It's interesting that I find myself here again
You know, I think the last time that I Had a
day like today it's probably back in college
when I had that that day that a day after I met
Charlotte and hooked up with her and I was just
seems I was so smitten with her and Then I found
out that she you know didn't want anything to
do with me and ghosted me said that you know
the sex was that great whatever and then I just
felt so humiliated and I felt so let down I was
so angry because she was so hot whatever out
of the blue despite my best efforts to make it
right because you know I'm a schmuck and I I
haven't fully beat the beta just yet I uh I found
out that Reagan told me, hey, you know what?
You can't make it work and it's over, basically.
Despite all my best efforts, despite me trying
to make it up to her and be a good person, I
forgot that love is a form of warfare. And I
allowed myself to get got by trying to be a nice
person. In an attempt to cover my ass, my aftercare
go too far. The same way I let this experiment
go too far. Because that's what this initially
was. It was an experiment for me. But then like
a bad spy, I fell into my own role and behind
enemy lines to the point where I became almost
a double agent. I became the very thing that
I despised. I became the very thing that I once
despised and told myself I would never become.
And yet here I am, sitting down at my desk, consumed
with the duality of the man and the monkey at
war, again, fighting over my soul, fighting over
my mind. On the one hand, I miss her, and on
the other hand, I know it's a good thing that
she's gone. I know it's a good thing that she's
gone. Listen, my money is going to get spent.
I don't have any loyalty to anybody now. I don't
have to worry about her. I don't have to provide
for her. I don't have to do any of those things.
But on the other side of it, I'd been with this
person for a year, basically. And lived with
her for 10 months. Lived life with her every
day for 10 months. Traveling to multiple places.
It wasn't like... I mean, we stayed in the same
place. We went from Augusta and then went to...
I mean, we just traveled a lot. In every new
beginning, I had her. And now I don't. And on
one side of the aisle, I actually... Again, I
know this is a good thing for me. I know I'm
gonna win. I know at the end of the day, she's
gonna need me before I need her. But it's just
sad that... You know, I lost a friend at the
end of the day. I really did. And you can call
me anything you want and call me weak. I don't
give a fuck what you say about me. All I know
is when you live with somebody, it's just different.
It's not the same thing as seeing someone two
or three times a week. Instead of you sleep in
the same bed, you wake up every day next to them,
you live life with this person. It's different.
Now I never experienced that before and I have
now You know I Had a little micro I could see
in a microcosm why so many men get better hurt
damaged and Say fuck this shit and they leave
the system. I get it. I really do Because for
the first time, you know, we got a dog together
and now the dog's hers and lives with her. He's
not my dog anymore. I love that dog and I paid
a pretty chunk of change for that dog too. But
you know what the sad thing is? The sad thing
is I'm at war with myself and I'm not mad at
her. I'm not. At the end of the day, it is what
it is. Me being mad changes nothing. Me being
sad changes nothing. But again, my friends, I
found out what a lot of men find out the hard
way, which is women are loyal to their feelings.
They have loyalties to everybody else besides
you. Besides you. You are the last priority.
You are never the first priority. It doesn't
matter how much you provide. It doesn't matter
how much you give them Don't know any of that.
What matters is how they feel about you today.
That's what matters They feel like you're the
best deal today Do they feel like oh, he's my
best investment today and the answer ever comes.
No your spots in jeopardy you can have pookie
come by and If you lack in any order, if you're
not laying your pipe game down, you're not providing
correctly, you're not leading correctly in her
eyes, she gonna find a guy that does. She gonna
train the 90 or the 80 for the 10 or the 20.
And women are evil for doing this. This is just
what they do. I'm not calling them evil. I'm
not calling them sluts and skeezers. I'm saying
this is what it is. And anyone who's lived with
a woman, anybody who's been married, they know
this. They know this? And you kind of enter this,
not a role of subservience, but you take on this
person when you can't, it's hard to lead someone
and you don't understand them. So you make it
a goal to understand. But now that's backfiring
on me because now you're never the only guy.
I'm gonna let you know that the illusion that
you've been given is just that illusion and a
lie that's given to you. It doesn't exist. The
love itself might be real, but the love that
you think exists doesn't. The way you think it
should operate in movies and books and TV shows
and fantasy, no, it doesn't work that way. It
doesn't. I don't care what people say. Can you
have it for a month? Yeah. Can you have it for
two months? Yeah. Two weeks? Yeah. You can't
have it for a year. You can have it for over
six months. That's just not how it works. And
you could use any shaming tactic you want. Oh,
uh, you know, you know, I hit it right. Uh, you
were beta, you know, whatever you let yourself
go physically. You know, I didn't think of myself
as being beta whatsoever. I stood on business
most of the time, you know, and at the end of
the day, no one can pitch a shutout. I'm not
a perfect man. I'm not perfect by any stretch.
What I'm telling you, my friends is I had an
experience that I've never had before. I've never
been, you know, part of me thought, oh, this
is a good experiment. And I learned a lot of
things in the last year. I'll tell you that right
now. I have a whole new respect for people who
choose to be married as it is a sacrifice. And
ideally, you know, the sad thing about reality,
my friends, is I wish I could sit here and tell
you that marriage is great. Marriage is great.
And cohabitation is great. And all these things
are great because in theory they are. In practice
today, they're not. That's the problem right
there if they work the way they're intended to
work We'd have no issues and I'd be out here
championing it you could you could bet your bottom
dollar. That's what we're doing today But instead
Instead I'm not doing that For all I know one
day she'll hear it she'll listen to this But
my friends, it's very it's very sad Don't shame
yourself for having feelings Shame yourself for
what you do with them You know, I'm sitting here
only remembering the good things that went down,
but I know there was bad I know she wasn't perfect
and I'm by any by any stretch the imagination,
but you know what? Despite that I tried to make
it work which you could say you're stupid for
doing that. You know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I am I Lost myself
to my own experiment. I compromised myself because
I allowed my emotions to not be kept in check.
I felt the biological trap that many men before
me and men that are living today fall for. The
trick of nature. That's what love is. Well, no,
that's what lust is. Lust is a trick of nature.
Love is a choice and you have to make it every
day because if you don't, then it's over. And
today when we're living longer than ever before,
today when there's more options than ever before,
especially for women, whether they want to realize
that or not. I never said that there are always
good options. I never said that there were options
that were great in every respect. I'm talking
about maybe he's a good financial provider. Maybe
he's good at delivering the pipe. Maybe he's
good at talking to you when you had a rough day
and he wants to be in the emotional tampon. I
don't know, but everybody has a purpose to serve
and that's what a roster is for. That's what
people do, especially women because men are all
too willing to do that. And at the end of the
day, if you're going to let someone else make
your choices for you, you get what you deserve.
I don't care if you're man, woman, alien, doesn't
matter. You let other people make your choices
for you? you get what you deserve you teach them
that that's fine you teach them that they could
do that they have that power and control over
you and that you can't make a choice for yourself
either that or you're not strong enough to admit
that this is what you wanted you know make an
excuse because you're afraid of backlash don't
be afraid of backlash my friends no no no never
apologize for don't for pursuing what you want
and care about Don't try to spare somebody's
feelings by by giving them the bull crap of oh,
it's not me It's it's my mom or it's not me.
It's my dad. It's not me. It's my sister My brother.
No, no, man. Mm -hmm. No, that's just the excuse
That's just the excuse people do what they want
and they make excuses for what they don't You
can write that one down People do what they want
and they make excuses for what they don't My
friends if you've gone through with a really
hard breakup and you've been through some hard
stuff when it relates to When it relates to you
know Relationships let me tell you there are
so many people who think they know everything
about relationships and I try not to be one of
those people I really do But what I'll tell you
my friends is this We got a boss up we got to
do better It's so easy to just slip into that
beta provider. It is so easy. Oh My gosh, it's
so easy. But you know what? You've got to level
up as a man You need options and leverage because
when you don't you just look pathetic and you
just you ooze that Negative charisma and nobody
wants to hear that nobody wants to be around
that It's tough, man. Let me be totally honest
with you guys. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought.
It's kind of like a dull, you know, pain. It's
not like a sharp pain in my side or anything.
It's just, just a dull. It's like being in the
mental doldrums where you're waiting for a gust
of wind to carry you to the next port. It's kind
of what, that's kind of what it feels like. But
my friends, I would love to hear what you have
to say and I'll be expanding on this. We'll be
talking about this a lot in time to come but
I'm just sitting here at my desk and I needed
to I need to document this I needed to try to
work my way through it because It's really easy
To go hit the bottle. It's easy to hit the it's
easy to go smoke It's easy to go try to you know,
go on the rebound. That's easy to do That's like
having hair of the dog after you get drunk and
you think that it's gonna make you feel better.
Oh, it will for a little, but it's not gonna
treat the actual issue. It's not gonna help you
feel better. It's only gonna help you negate
the negative for a short period of time while
making it worse when it inevitably hits you in
the face. And my friends, I would encourage you
to avoid that. Avoid it like the plague. Don't
do it. I'm talking to you while I'm talking to
myself too. Because that's what we people do
we people don't want to grow they want to just
not feel the pain They want to numb themselves
to avoid what they need to do, which is grow
with a person They don't want to grow as a person
because they don't want to experience pain Let
me tell you was a guy who was six and a half
feet tall had a lot of growing pains when I was
a kid I Heard a lot, but you know what I grew
literally from it the pain that you feel that's
mental That is gonna produce results in the same
way that pressure produces pearls these hard
times will produce a hardened man somebody who's
going to be there to withstand the onslaught
that life will throw your way it's not going
to get easier it only gets harder my friends
wish me luck on this this new um transition that
i'm going through And if you want to laugh at
my expense, I accept that. It is what it is.
But if you want to talk about it, explain what
you've been through and how it's affected you
and your experience, let me share some stories.
I look forward to hearing from you all. Peace.