Welcome back to Vision Pros. This is going to
be a very interesting conversation. Today, we
have Jonathan Asley, and he's calling in from
Los Angeles, California. Jonathan, welcome to
the show. I'm so glad you're here. Would you
please introduce yourself? Sure. Well, thanks
for having me, Sue. I appreciate it. So my name
is Jonathan Asley, as you just shared. Professionally,
I'm a dating and relationship coach, but I really
emphasize the importance of individual empowerment.
more as the crux of a healthy, happy relationship.
So while I tend to guide men and women in finding
and keeping the right relationship, it really
starts with finding and keeping the right relationship
within yourself. So that's where I spend more
of my time, even though I talk about online dating
and all the different issues that people are
faced with when it comes to meeting and keeping
a relationship. That's incredible. That plays
right into what I would love to ask you here
is what is your vision for those that you're
serving? I know today in the dating world, this
is crazy stuff compared to anything that's been
there for the past 20, 30, 40, 50 years. It's
happening a lot differently now. So given today's
climate, who are you helping? What problem are
you helping them solve? What is your vision for
serving these people? Well, that's a really big
question. So let me try to parse this out in
a couple different ways. You know, it's interesting.
I was watching a video the other day. It said.
The 80s are calling you back. And this was 1985
and how the world was so different before the
Internet, computer and smartphone, at least accessible
to the general public. I mean, they'd been around
for a while and how the world has changed so
much, particularly in the area of connecting
and meeting people. And it's interesting that
in the last 10 plus years. online dating now
represents about 65 % of all new relationships.
And let me reframe that, the internet, because
there could be other chat rooms and other ways
people are connecting. But 65 % of all new relationships
seem to begin with some sort of online connection.
Wow. And why this is so pivotally important is
that you know for the most part we're meeting
total strangers unlike you know 50 100 plus years
ago we made it within our tribes we made it within
our communities we made it within our culture
and that sort of thing so things have changed
dramatically And I think because of that, there
is so much confusion. There's so much frustration,
quite frankly, because it now invites in people
who are emotionally unavailable. It invites who
would like to have some level of connection,
but not fully committed relationships. As one
example, it invites in scam artists, invites
in people who are players and users. So there's
a lot more filtering. involved than maybe we
had done in the past, because we we often we
for the most part, we always connected with somebody
that knew somebody that knew the person we were
connecting with. There was like no degrees of
separation. So, OK, so why am I sharing this?
My vision has always been the vision I've served
is helping humans become way more discerning
in the process. And I don't mean like. filtering
out you know and making it complicated but to
be more intentional in the process of human pair
bonding to have grown -up conversations and and
sue let me say why i'm i'm saying grown up because
men and women oftentimes operate from a fantasy
perspective when it comes to human pair bonding
or worse well actually Fantasy would be worse.
The other is that chemistry equals relationship
success. And sadly, we've adopted fantasy or
chemistry equal relationship success as the barometer
for who you're going to invest time in. And my
vision is to be the wake up call. My vision is
to scream at the top of my lungs. Look, first
off, we are all emotionally messed up. It's just
a matter of degrees for some people. But if you
haven't worked on your own stuff, the idea that
a relationship is going to heal that is going
to be the furthest thing from the truth because
it's going to trigger relationships. By the way,
I think dating and relationships trigger the
number one emotional health issue I think most
people face. And that is I'm not good enough.
I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. And so so my
vision has always been to encourage. intentionality,
to encourage discernment, and most importantly,
to encourage self -love. Because when we operate
as more of a sovereign being, we can show up
to be in relationship in a more healthy way versus
the unhealthy way most people have operated.
So, I mean, and I can keep going. By the way,
Sue, I can keep going. So, if you have any questions.
within that i'm letting you this is incredible
i feel like you have your work cut out for you
jonathan there's so much i didn't realize these
statistics but it makes sense and my goodness
there's never been a time where we needed this
a little bit more anybody who's out there trying
to find you know another human to bond with and
to pair off with it's it's crazy out there um
And you sound like you might be the voice of
sanity to help. Well, you know, it's interesting
because unlike many of my contemporaries that,
for lack of a better word, sell false hope, I'm
kind of the Piper going, look. it's the hunger
games out there it's a mess i mean we humans
are radically dysfunctional but i don't know
if you remember in the hunger games there's something
about like they said um may the odds forever
be in your favor and there and there were even
little people there were people that could help
put the odds in your favor well a really good
coach a really good um mentor or confidant in
your life can start putting the odds in your
favor and the most important person is to recognize
that it's not about finding another human being
to to at least in my mind let me put it that
way Your happiness shouldn't be predicated on
finding someone to be partnered with because
it really is about finding the relationship within
yourself We can go to the mirror and have an
amazing relationship with ourselves that can
absolutely fulfill us Okay, but if you're seeking
and a lot of people Unconsciously do this they
seek relationships with other people to fulfill
their life And what's the definition of insanity
for a lot of people that's doing the same thing
over and over again, expecting different results.
So a person like myself that screams at the top
of their lungs and saying, look in the mirror
and work on your own stuff. My hope is my message,
my vision is getting coming across as encouragement.
And again, I can be very bombastic at times.
I can be sarcastic. I can be righteous and all
of this when I share. But what I think. My vision
has been to really to encourage individuals to
take personal empowerment within their lives,
particularly in the area of dating relationships.
How do you think that could change the world?
Because it sure seems like it could. What happens
if, you know, some double the number of people
who act like they show up in the world like that?
Like you're saying, taking personal responsibility
and working on themselves first. What if that
doubles? What would that be? What might happen
in the world? No, that's an interesting question.
I think globally. Well, OK, let me speak here
in the United States because I can't really know
other parts of the world. I do believe we are
being called to emotionally, for lack of a better
word, grow up. OK. And and unlike about 100 years
ago, I'll say women in particular were very dependent
upon men for survival. And thankfully, we've
evolved to a space in humanity, at least again
here in the United States, that women have their
own empowerment. They are no longer in a space
of dependency. And I think that's an amazing
place to be. And so relationships are not so
much about, you know. survival per se. And there
is an element of certainly paying your bills
and that sort of thing. I mean, that's important.
And for some relationships, it might be that
there's a hierarchy in that. But I think relationships
nowadays, if it's no longer about survival, then
it's really about emotional maturity to some
degree. And I think we humans have weak emotional
maturity and poor relationship skills. So if
we have weak emotional maturity and poor relationship
skills, it's one of the reasons why divorce rates
for second and third marriages equal 65 to 75
percent. OK, let's take the first marriage. But
the second and third, that that tells us I believe
that tells us that humans are not good at this.
So. I mean, come on. I mean, you're right. We're
not good at this. I mean, it's not good. Yeah.
I mean, by the way, would you get on an airplane
that had a 60, you know, a failure rate of 65
to 75 percent? Not knowingly. Yeah. So so I think
if it doubled, if and I'm I'm the reason why
I'm talking about the second and third marriages.
is because I speak to a demographic called midlife,
which is after baby, what I say is after baby
making years and before retirement. And roughly,
and this is anecdotal, 75 % of people over 45,
50 years old most likely are divorced if they're
single. I mean, we have some widowers in there
and we have some non -married. And that's anecdotal.
I mean, that's not an absolute number. I don't
think they've tracked it. If all of a sudden
we improved, you know, on an emotional maturity
level, on a relationships level, I think we would
start to see a bit more joy and happiness because
I believe it was Esther Perel who said the quality
of our life is predicated by the quality of our
relationships. And so you think about it, you
can if you're in a miserable relationship, you're
going to have a miserable life. If you're in
a happy relationship, you're going to have a
happy life. So so if we learn these skills, we
would see a lot more joy from people. I think
that's a beautiful vision. Bring it on. Well,
let me ask you this question, and it kind of
goes hand in hand, but it's a little bit different.
What's your vision for your business? This is
a huge mission that you're on. To move that slider
a little bit further, to create that ripple effect
that would go in from people having satisfying,
deeply enjoyable, whole, healthy relationships,
that would change a lot of things. But how about
your vision for your actual business? So it's
kind of interesting because I'm in a state of.
What's the word I'm looking for? Reinvention.
I'm in a I'm in a unique state. And I think it's
I think it's important I share a little bit of
my backstory to kind of give you a little inkling
into where I think I'm going. So coming back
to divorce 20 years ago, my now. uh ex -wife
and i filed for divorce and and during that time
i had lost my high -end corporate job literally
the same month we had filed for divorce i lost
my high -end corporate job and then shortly thereafter
there was the market crash of 2008 and my identity
was pummeled i mean my identity was pummeled
and interesting enough uh besides drugs and alcohol
online dating was my other drug of choice Unbeknownst
to me, it prepared me for this for this evolution
in my life of becoming a dating and relationship
coach. And there's way more to that story. I
can share it another time. And and I've been
in the dating marketplace for the last, you know,
up until the last 20 years or up until the last
six months. I've been in the dating marketplace
much like my clients, and I've had two significant
relationships during that time that didn't work
out. But I had a tremendous amount of growth
emotionally. I had a tremendous amount of awakening
to my own sovereignty, to my emotional maturity
and my relationship skills. And now I find myself
in what feels like for the first time in my life,
a secure relationship. What I mean is I'm deeply
care for someone. I'm very much in love. I believe
she's in love with me. And I can. I know she
is, but I just want to say it with a little reservation
because she's not here sharing it. And I kind
of achieved my goal. I think I for the last 20
years, I've wanted that life partner. And now
I have it. I'm like, you know, teaching about
dating and relationships has a different tone
to it because I was in the trenches with everybody
else. And now I have what I want. And I'm like,
well, then what do I really want for my life?
And I've been wrestling with this. In fact, she
and I just this past weekend, we're having it
like, what do you really desire? What's your
vision? Because for the longest time I taught
from in the trenches and if I'm in a happy relationship.
And then I've been sitting with something for
a very long time. I started a membership program
about eight years ago. And I realized that it
didn't really take off the way I wanted. And
because of it, I kind of didn't give the kind
of attention that I'd hoped for. And the idea
was to be able to share wisdom, to be able to
speak from a place of experience at a relatively
low entry point financially for people, because
I've spent. tens and tens and tens of thousands
of dollars on personal development, self -help,
spiritual work and therapy, probably close to
six figure number over the last 20 years. And
I'm very grateful for the investment. But I know
a lot of people don't have the resources to get
that kind of help. And reading a book. And by
the way, behind me, you can see a bunch of books.
And this is just a small segment of my library.
I believe there's so much wealth in books, but
there's also the benefit of having a coach, having
a mentor, having a confidant to help you. And
yet for so many people, that's difficult to obtain.
So I'm in the process of revamping my membership
program so I can hit the key areas of life, loving
yourself, loving other human beings. loving life.
And that's kind of the umbrella I'm working towards.
And I still don't even know the pieces of this
puzzle yet. And I want to share with you about
not quite a year ago, I was burnt out. I was
just like, God, I am so burnt out on all of this.
I feel like I'm pushing the boulder up the hill
and just feeling really burnt out. And I felt
a little bit of the pressure to perform. I felt
the pressure to make money. I felt all this pressure
because on some level, I don't want to say I
stopped loving what I did, but I recognize that
it's a real big behemoth to, let me reframe that.
There's a lot of dysfunctionality in the world.
even watching the news is so painful at times
that i'm i'm struggling to watch the news and
even watching my social media feeds uh can be
draining and i reached a point where i'm like
god you know i'm just i don't want to say i want
to give up but i was just feeling burnout and
but i i've been here before In fact, I've been
here two or three times in my life in this same
space. And in the past, I would literally be
pushing the boulder up the hill. And yet things
seem to work out. So I really began adopting
a feeling of trust, of faith. And I don't mean
blind trust or faith. You know, I don't want
to make it just that. But really just faith in
myself that an answer would reveal itself. And
you've literally caught me at a moment in my
life where these are starting to percolate in
front of me. I've been feeling kind of down for
a while, not depressed or anything like that,
but just not my excited self. But a few things
just literally, literally, even in the last few
days, things have been percolating. And I'm just
in a place of trust that I can birth something
new. And my my vision is to make a difference
in people's lives. My my vision is to, you know,
help someone say. I really love getting my I
love getting messages through my social media.
You made a difference in my life. You made a
difference in my life. And that fuels me a little
vanity in there a little bit. I'm going to be
candid, but it fuels me to know that something
I said and I'm even I hoping this conversation,
you know, person goes, God, I mean, you're encouraging
me to to step outside of my comfort zone. And.
there was a quote i heard 20 years ago it's a
walt disney quote and it's it's it's rather simple
it's only three words but it's it's been the
driving force in my life and it's just simply
it's keep moving forward and i know that's so
simple and for some people might seem trivial
but there's just something about just even one
little step forward in whatever you're doing
one little step Can start to start that snowball
effect. And and so that's kind of been my mantra
is just keep moving forward. Keep with this vision
of making a difference in people's lives. I love
that. I think that is so exciting. There's so
much room for. what this could turn into who
knows you know but having that driving passion
to to make an impact in people's lives and this
deep body of knowledge and expertise that you've
built in an area that people are really hurting
i can't wait to see what happens next we're definitely
going to have to continue this conversation for
sure you know it's interesting i i have a 29
year old son and um and i've i've encouraged
him to To seek me as his wise counsel. For the
last decade, I've been and he's always been good
about seeking advice from me. But I've noticed
that he doesn't come to dad anymore like he used
to. And and and I happen to personally know two
other people that he seeks counsel from one.
a clinical psychologist who encouraged him to
get his doctoral program and my son just started
his doctoral program to become a clinical psychologist
and then another is his his boss who runs an
intervention company my son works within the
organization and both men I've I've recently
just seen them physically we live near each other
And I said to them both separately, I go, I can't
begin to tell you how much I appreciate the guidance,
the care, the love you give to my son. And they're
both like, you have a great kid, even though
he's a man. In my eyes, he's still a kid. But
you've got a great son and we love helping him.
Why I'm sharing this is we all, I... I completely
believe that we all could use a good confidant
or two or three in our lives. I mean, a really
good, solid mentor confidant in our lives because
we, you know, this thing called life isn't like
we, I mean, there isn't necessarily a book per
se. Some people would say the Bible's the roadmap.
And to that degree, if that works for them, that's
great. But this thing called life is not easy
to navigate. and going to people who are a little
bit older a little bit wiser and and that's what
i feel like i am i've been around the block a
few times and i like to share wisdom in that
confident kind of way because when we have a
confident in our life we feel safer to open up
on the sometimes things that bring us down and
i'd say my other vision is to encourage people
to open up because if you stuff it all in It's
going to that's where disease comes from. And
if we can and I and I know you're the same as
I am. You know, if we can encourage that opening
up that that place of growth, I think people
will live more fulfilled lives. I think you're
right, Jonathan. That's so cool. All right. Where
can people find out more about you and working
with you? By the way, I had to write something
down. That's why I looked down. I wanted to write
something. So where you can find me, my name
is listed here, Jonathan Asley. You can cut and
paste that, put it in Google. The first thing
that will come up is my YouTube channel. I'm
very proud. I have over 200 ,000 subscribers
on my YouTube channel sharing about relationships.
I have a couple sub channels related for helping
in different facets of your life. Certainly my
website, JonathanAsley .com. is listed there
my social media pages and you can go to amazon
to get my book it's right behind me called what
the heck is self -love anyway a journey of personal
development self -help spiritual work and encouraging
therapy for those that um want if if i i believe
we're all seeking a level of inner peace and
And emotional health is one of the greatest challenges
we're faced with. And if we can work on ourselves
a little bit each day, you'd be surprised how
life can be better once we take personal responsibility
for our choices. I love that. Thank you so much
for being here. That's fantastic. My pleasure.
Thank you. Thank you for being here today. I'm
really happy that you tuned in to Vision Pros
Live. I'm looking forward to seeing your reactions
as these episodes continue to move forward. This
is going to get more and more fun. We'll have
more and more engagement as well. We'll invite
people to participate in the show. And thank
you for giving us your time and attention. Have
an excellent time building out your vision and
becoming a vision pro yourself.