share with me your first name, last name, where
you're located and the name of your book that
I see right now. Hi, Jovanka. I am Marcy Axelrod
and I'm in Westchester, New York, about 30 minutes
north of Manhattan. Yes. Yes. Well, thank you
so much. And so you're an author amongst many
different things, many, many different things.
But as I see right now, I see a book that says
how we choose to show up. Please share with me
a little bit more about that. Oh, absolutely.
So society lies to us about how we should show
up. Society lies to us about what we should value,
what matters, what doesn't matter. Lies to us
about what showing up actually is. And, you know,
I'll get into the story later about why this
is my calling, right? Not my job, not my career,
but my calling. But I felt that. Since we're
all doing it wrong and we don't really know what
it means to show up, there has to be a model
out there. There has to be a playbook that helps
us live life as nature designed us to live because
we are nature. So the book gives us a very clear,
simple model that I will actually show you. And
I'll send you these slides for the show notes.
But there's a model of how humans are designed
to show up. And there's a continuum. There's
a continuum. One, two, three. Low is barely there.
Level two is just showing up. That's what my
20 years of research show 80 % of us do 80 %
of the time called just showing up. Let's talk
about like improv life. You just walk in and
you hope it goes well. And then there's truly
showing up on the right at level three. And I
explain behaviorally. psychologically, through
neuroscience, through biology, through chemistry,
through physics, what it means to be barely there
or to be just showing up or to truly show up.
And I do call it nature's model of how humans
are designed to show up and to thrive because
Everything shows up. And by the way, the way
the tree does it right outside, the way the air,
the way social justice, the way your vote, the
way your weight, the way your habits, the way
everything shows up. It fits into the model.
And once you know it, it's like, wow. Oh, my
goodness. It's so much clearer to me. And then
it's really easy to show up the way that you
choose more often. So when you say choose to
show up, how we choose to show up. Tell me your.
your definition of choose oh absolutely wait
and i also just want to point out mel robbins
uh wrote the cover quote on the book so that's
pretty darn cool and and it's you know it's a
bestseller which i think is pretty obvious too
um so choose what i talk about is choosing the
you know where on that continuum that i just
showed you are showing up and what i really mean
is either before the moment or actually in the
moment, recognizing right here, right now, I'm
doing a bunch of things. Number one, I'm impacting
the world. Number two, I'm changing the lives
of those around me, the immediate people, but
also it flows out three levels deep. And I talk
about that. But really what I'm saying is recognize
right now. Whether you are in a calm body or
an alerted body, for example, in your nervous
system, whether you are in your head or your
heart showing care, these are the choices. Recognize
right now, how are you showing up and how do
you choose to be showing up? So that's the way
I'm using the word. And I separate the difference.
The book talks about defaulting through life.
Defaulting is not choosing. So what we're doing
is we are devoid of intent. We are flowing more
in the moment than being able to be up on the
mountain looking down and having that broad perspective.
So just really quickly to get into just some
of the neuroscience, we have two attention systems.
The left one leads us to grab and get. It's a
power over. This is the one that says feed me,
okay? The other one says, wait, I need to make
sure I'm not fed to something else. So the right
one is the like, wow, what else is going on?
Is there a predator there? Where are the kids
I'm supposed to keep track of in my tribe, right?
When you just show up, okay, and don't choose,
you're often in your left attention system, which
chops everything up. yeah there's a rabbit in
the woods i'm going to grab it and get it i don't
care if it just had baby rabbits and it's over
there because you are just control over left
hemisphere often controls the right arm this
is the work by the way of dr ian mcgillchrist
um who wrote thousands and thousands of pages
about this he's a psychiatrist from uh from the
uk and he explains how What that does when we're
focused in on a part of something is we're missing
everything else. The world is in pieces. And
this is what leads us to feel like individualized
selves. This is the whole faux self -care, self
-help, all of that. No, that's your mirror reflecting
you back. What showing up is about is doing this.
And I'm taking my hands with my mirror facing
me and I'm turning my mirror outwards. It's recognizing.
That the self is a large S self, which is part
of society, because we are absorbing all the
laws that are out there, all the like, yes, you
need to look a certain way and have a certain
job and title and car and garbage, as opposed
to we are here to care for each other. So truly
showing up is recognizing how am I attending
to the moment? Which attention system? Is it
the only one, Jovanka? is it the right hemisphere
that leads me yeah to feel you yeah yeah right
now and you know yeah what happened i've just
switched into my care mode now when i when i
i'm asking a question because i don't i want
to have understanding when you say default says
whatever happened before I came in, that's my
default and it's going to be delivered outward.
However, if I'm not utilizing the default and
I'm choosing whatever happened here, rather good
or bad, I can pull in, make that decision to
change and then send it out. Am I on the right
track here? You're definitely on the right track.
Okay. Yes. And I want to pick up on something
you just said, Javinka, about, you know, turning
toward others. There is not the distance and
the separation that people think. Right. David
Bohm, one of the foremost physicists of the 20th
century, who was trained by Oppenheimer, wrote
a book called Wholeness and the Implicit Order.
And it was published, I believe, in 1980. And,
you know, he was. Right up there with Albert
Einstein in terms of understanding the workings
of the universe. Everything that's here, us,
the leaves, the tree, everything in the past
and the future is a single system. And just because
people pop up like, you know, leaves on a tree
and we think we're a separate leaf because we
have somewhat of a separate life. We are not.
We are attached to the same branch of a single
tree. Maybe a bunch of trees, but. We're all
interconnected under the earth, right? And this
is research that was well shown. In fact, I think
it's actually on my desktop, like the actual
article. I referenced it in my book. Suzanne
Simard is the one who wrote it. Anyway, the me
and you really merges into a we, M -W -E. That's
actually a term of Dr. Daniel Siegel, who created
a field called interpersonal neurobiology. Because
he showed how when you and I are looking into
each other's eyes, in just seconds, the brainwaves
in your brain and in mine start to literally
resonate as a single wave. So we exist as one
mind in this between space. And what the model
of showing up talks about, it says you're not
just a self, but you're also a member of a situation
right now. Meaning how you think, feel and act
is largely determined right now by what's going
on around you. Is there a bottle of water? Maybe
you will lift it and drink it. If it wasn't there,
you wouldn't lift it and drink it. If you're
smiling at me, my chemistry is. You know, my
cortisol is going down. My adrenaline is going
down. Maybe some dopamine and serotonin are going
up. My oxytocin, the connectedness or love hormone
is going up. And therefore, what I think, how
I feel and what I say, what I do, I've been shifted
by you. yeah you are indwelling within me right
just like i am taking up inhabitants within you
your body your chemistry so we have a situation
member role and it's right here there's a model
self situation member societal member okay and
it's happening all at one time because why are
why are you maybe in an office why are you in
a home society has told us we're going to build
these things this is where people work this is
where people Everything around us is a creation
of the society and the culture. Why are we on
a podcast? Why does this laptop exist? So the
more we recognize we're in three roles at once,
and that's what's creating us. It's everything
that society has led us to be and told us. That's
what we believe about good and bad and do this
and don't do that. The moment right now. So I
really want people to be clear. You're a societal
member and a situational member far more than
you're a quote self. And don't fall into the
ego mirror in small S for self. We're a big S
for self, which is the integration of the three.
And I'm, you know, it might sound abstract, but
think about what, what are you doing and how
do you feel this moment? That model explains
it. Very matter of fact, explaining what's going
on in your mind, in your body and in your behavior
right now. This is what that's what choosing
to show up is about. That's what showing up itself
is about. I love it. I love it. And how you explain
it. There's so much passion in it. There's so
much passion in your research and what you've
done, what you're doing. So, of course, I would
not be doing my job if I did not eventually ask
you to. Tell me about your vision in this all.
Yeah, my vision is that everyone on the planet
understands the truth about showing up. First,
number one, you have choice. Number two, it's
reciprocal. If I want you to show up for me a
certain way, you know, I got to show up to you
a certain way, right? It's reciprocal and it's
symbiotic. Okay, there's a mutuality built into
this. The third thing about showing up that people
need to understand is everyone's on the continuum
at all moments, right? One, two, three, barely
they're just showing up or truly showing up.
And that gives you permission. It gives you permission
to default to the just showing up at some times,
but it also kind of calls you to choose. Anyway,
so my vision is that everyone understands this
and lives a truly show -up life, and we would
have much less war, much less division of haves
and have -nots. We would be kinder, happier.
We would consume less, right? Trying to have
our being needs met by having, it's not going
to happen. You have to have your being needs
met by being, which means what we're designed
for, which is we're here to care for others.
And, you know, that's my vision of the world.
That's why I wrote the book and that's why I
do all the speeches and blah, blah, blah. And
that's what that I think that's really big of
what you stated. We have to start being by just
being and not relating being to having because
having is could be quickly lost just as quick
as you gain it. It can be lost. Well, it doesn't
meet your needs. That's it. It's never going
to meet your needs to show up the way society
says, like focusing on how we look or what we
have. I mean, you know, meaning there's a meaning
crisis in this country. I also call it a just
showing up crisis. And, you know, this is where
all the, you know, anxiety and depression and
so many other things are coming from. You know,
the ill health is coming from the fact that we
aren't living as we're designed, which is. Being
the nature that we truly are and interacting
with each people as we're designed by nature
to do. So, of course, I'm going to ask, where
does this vision come from? When I was six, I
lost the ability to speak. And most of my first
20 years of life, I really couldn't get a word
out without someone just being so uncomfortable
and stuttering or just. you know, the vocal cords
were so locked. I said nothing. So that turned
my mirror outward, you know, on the blacktop
behind, you know, behind school, I would see
all these people not showing up, not choosing
how they showed up. And I couldn't stand it because
I, I knew how I wanted to show up and I couldn't
show up as I chose. And so I started to observe
everyone else throwing their show up choices
away. And then after, you know, a rehabilitation
hospital, you know, watching supposedly where
I was learning a way to speak fluently, which
wasn't effective, but I saw elders struggle learning
how to walk again and feed themselves again.
And they had experts by their side with well
-made plans and a lot of preparation. And I said,
look, these people with a lifetime of wisdom,
with experts by their side and with well -made
plans, they're still struggling to show up as
they choose. So I said, where's the blueprint?
Where's the roadmap? So at age 12, I started
to devour psychology and neuroscience and evolutionary
biology and everything that I could. And then
at age 29, I did my first global study of personal
effectiveness and what gets in people's way and
what helps them. And I've been doing this evergreen
research for the last 30 plus years now about.
showing up and what it means to people and what
gets in their way. So that's where it came from.
Do you speak about choosing to show up pretty
much wherever you are and to include social media?
Oh my goodness. So there are quotes in the book,
right? You carry yourself grounding everywhere.
right there's a skill for each role grounding
in yourself readiness for your situations and
connectedness with intent to serve in your societal
role there's actually a word for that called
all intelligence that we don't have time to get
into but it's pretty rare to show up you know
for one thing a certain way and then show up
right i actually have a research in the book
that shows a dot under you know most people say
well i truly show up more at work I kind of just
show up, you know, somewhat well to my parenting
and my kids, and then my spouse gets whatever
left, whatever's left, and that's down on the
left. Authenticity has come up a lot, and I give
speeches specifically about that because many
of us live in some version of fear, right? And
it comes in four forms. Number one, need to be
seen as. Number two, I'm lesser than, right?
Impostors. syndrome type stuff uh number three
i'm you know the flip side of that oh i'm better
than like i gotta prove myself or um what's what's
oh i deserve i deserve these are all kind of
fear -based insecurities and i call that and
that's described in my chapter on grounding in
yourself when you recognize those four things
everyone's showing up in some version of those
at all times um you you start to recognize that
really the solution is just being human to human
accept yourself javanka the moment i look at
you and i feel you as a human being Not as a
podcast interviewer or as a beautiful young woman
or someone who I really have a tremendous respect
for because of how you're living your life. The
moment you show up as a human, everything shifts
in me. I go from my head mode to my heart mode.
My voice shifts. My countenance shifts. We become
one. And this is truly showing up. And this is
what people need to do. That's what showing up
is all about. And actually, there's a quick continuum
that I want to put up here. I show the science
of how we go from just living in ourself to noticing.
And I'm moving my hand up the continuum. It goes,
first, you notice, oh, my God, your bank is there.
And then tuning in. Wow, I'm sensing her emotion
now. And then I'm feeling with. And then I enact
care. And that is how you move up. And I've got
a lot of research behind this that I quote on
the pages about how this happens. The opposite
also happens. If I show up feeling, oh, my God,
I'm lesser than this interview is not going to
be as good as the 50 she did before. People aren't
going to feel. Anyway, whatever that fear is.
Javanka, do you know what happened? And this
is the research of Suzanne Jacopio. And what
she explained, if I'm in fear, your face to me
reinforces that. And I feel threat. Oh, my God,
this isn't working. I literally will feel a threat
from a friendly face. Because I'm showing up
a certain way to you to the moment. This is my
situation member role. How am I showing up to
the moment? Right. That's our point of contact
with reality. And I have a choice of fighting
against it or of merging with you human to human.
So I've kind of lost sight of your original question
and gone and gone. I really think it's important
for people to understand these things. Authenticity,
yes. Brings us back to authenticity. Thank you
for being here today. I'm really happy that you
tuned in to Vision Pros Live. I'm looking forward
to seeing your reactions as these episodes continue
to move forward. This is going to get more and
more fun. We'll have more and more engagement
as well. We'll invite people to participate in
the show. And thank you for giving us your time
and attention. Have an excellent time building
out your vision and becoming a vision pro yourself.