WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.299 Tell me about your vision. Oh, my vision. It's 00:00:04.299 --> 00:00:10.919 broad and deep. My vision, if I go from the perspective 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:14.880 of my book, which is really the key topic today, 00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:23.260 is we all have a story. And sometimes it's really 00:00:23.260 --> 00:00:26.539 hard to share those stories. But in my case, 00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:30.269 it was a story that kept popping up those whispers 00:00:30.269 --> 00:00:32.409 that keep on telling you you have to do this 00:00:32.409 --> 00:00:36.329 and people come into your life that give you 00:00:36.329 --> 00:00:40.350 the guidance to help you do that. So part of 00:00:40.350 --> 00:00:46.950 my vision is about the ability to listen to yourself 00:00:46.950 --> 00:00:53.469 and each other and to be able to look at your 00:00:53.469 --> 00:00:58.500 own life story and back into those foundational 00:00:58.500 --> 00:01:01.579 relationships which is exactly what my book is 00:01:01.579 --> 00:01:04.739 about and how those foundational relationships 00:01:04.739 --> 00:01:09.280 shape you and then the choices you make as you 00:01:09.280 --> 00:01:13.340 move forward tell me more about that um where 00:01:13.340 --> 00:01:16.819 does it apply to you how how the dolls all come 00:01:16.819 --> 00:01:21.939 about I'd love to hear more well um I say on 00:01:21.939 --> 00:01:26.480 my title that I'm a mother and At the end of 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:28.819 the day, that's my first priority in my life, 00:01:28.900 --> 00:01:31.659 my kids. I bring these human beings into the 00:01:31.659 --> 00:01:34.680 world. It's my job to raise them to be the best 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:41.299 human beings they possibly can. So I had a rather 00:01:41.299 --> 00:01:45.280 unusual upbringing. I'm British. I went for career 00:01:45.280 --> 00:01:50.840 reasons and chasing the American dream from London 00:01:50.840 --> 00:01:53.640 to America. I was in the ad business. I was with 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.019 Saatchi & Saatchi, the biggest advertising agency 00:01:56.019 --> 00:01:59.079 in the world at the time in the 80s and 90s. 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:06.819 And I had to walk away from that career for a 00:02:06.819 --> 00:02:14.060 while. But I was able to do that. Because I grew 00:02:14.060 --> 00:02:19.460 up with a mother who always told me, you can 00:02:19.460 --> 00:02:21.580 be and do anything you want with your life and 00:02:21.580 --> 00:02:24.500 never allow yourself to say no. But it was a 00:02:24.500 --> 00:02:30.319 very unusual upbringing. And my mother, a week 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:33.979 after my 16th birthday, came home from school 00:02:33.979 --> 00:02:39.159 and she said, I'm done. I've given you and your 00:02:39.159 --> 00:02:42.840 dad 16 years of my life and I'm done. I'm leaving 00:02:42.840 --> 00:02:46.280 tomorrow. Which, as you can imagine, is a rather 00:02:46.280 --> 00:02:48.419 shocking thing to tell your 16 -year -old child. 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:53.340 And the next morning I went to my Saturday job, 00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:56.259 as we did back then when I was growing up in 00:02:56.259 --> 00:03:00.120 the late 70s. And, you know, we all started at 00:03:00.120 --> 00:03:04.879 14, basically, in our Saturday jobs. And came 00:03:04.879 --> 00:03:09.680 back from that. Walked into my house, no message, 00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:16.120 no number, nothing. Race around the house, realize 00:03:16.120 --> 00:03:20.180 it's really happened. She's really done it. So 00:03:20.180 --> 00:03:23.659 what do I do? I go next door to the house she'd 00:03:23.659 --> 00:03:27.099 bought a couple of years before and she was renting 00:03:27.099 --> 00:03:31.050 to college students. She answers the door. invites 00:03:31.050 --> 00:03:33.889 me in for a cup of tea, as you do, to discuss 00:03:33.889 --> 00:03:38.430 anything in the British household. And she said, 00:03:38.509 --> 00:03:42.990 I'm done. I'm leaving. And I think moments like 00:03:42.990 --> 00:03:48.689 that in your life, in your teenage years, really 00:03:48.689 --> 00:03:53.669 are those tipping points. And the worst of it 00:03:53.669 --> 00:03:56.030 was, first of all, she was moving in with three 00:03:56.030 --> 00:03:58.810 hot college guys, which, you know, was kind of 00:03:58.810 --> 00:04:02.509 nice for me, but very strange for me. And she 00:04:02.509 --> 00:04:07.270 didn't tell my dad. I had to tell my dad. So 00:04:07.270 --> 00:04:11.210 that story is something that when my daughter 00:04:11.210 --> 00:04:17.120 was in her teens at college. I was having my 00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:19.860 own marital issues, as you often do when your 00:04:19.860 --> 00:04:22.439 kids are going off to college or you've been 00:04:22.439 --> 00:04:24.819 married a long time. You're going through all 00:04:24.819 --> 00:04:26.899 these changes. You're looking at your life. What 00:04:26.899 --> 00:04:29.800 am I going to do for the next phase? My children 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:33.120 are grown. What am I going to do? Which is what 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:36.279 my mother's situation was. So you see these patterns 00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:41.160 reflecting or repeating themselves. And my job 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:44.360 was to make sure I didn't repeat that pattern 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:48.639 in the same way. And from that came the book, 00:04:48.779 --> 00:04:51.879 because there was a lot of self -exploration, 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:59.540 self -reflection. And it really was a journey 00:04:59.540 --> 00:05:03.480 in writing a book where you have to go so deep 00:05:03.480 --> 00:05:08.959 and try and understand your own foundational 00:05:08.959 --> 00:05:14.920 relationship with your parents and how. that 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:21.899 has shaped you in this world and how there are 00:05:21.899 --> 00:05:24.600 some decisions and many things they gave you 00:05:24.600 --> 00:05:30.279 that have really made you strong or successful 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:38.319 or brave or fearless. But there are other things 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:43.759 that. you still hold deep within that you need 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:46.480 to be able to let go of and move on to have a 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:48.399 successful life. And that's where when I say 00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:54.600 choice, choice is very important. And not to 00:05:54.600 --> 00:05:58.360 dwell in any negativity, particularly in the 00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:03.040 world we live in. And how can we have a better 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:10.480 relationship and learn the lessons of mutual 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:15.959 respect and interaction between parents and children 00:06:15.959 --> 00:06:22.240 so that we again can speak truthfully and have 00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:26.139 a good relationship. I couldn't emphasize enough 00:06:26.139 --> 00:06:32.220 on how important an influence of a parent is 00:06:32.220 --> 00:06:37.000 in a kid's life. At the end of the day, I firmly 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:39.519 believe that you can't control what your kid 00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:43.420 can do. You can, to a degree, influence what 00:06:43.420 --> 00:06:46.040 they're able to do. But at the end of the day, 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:50.220 it's your example that they see, that they breathe 00:06:50.220 --> 00:06:54.740 in every day, that they are eventually going 00:06:54.740 --> 00:06:58.279 to probably lean towards or lean away from what 00:06:58.279 --> 00:07:02.480 they want to do. Like for my case scenario, there's 00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:05.220 certain things that... I grew up in, I was born 00:07:05.220 --> 00:07:11.300 and raised in India, in like a joint family -ish, 00:07:11.519 --> 00:07:14.939 very dysfunctional, very dysfunctional. I think 00:07:14.939 --> 00:07:19.240 most families are, that's the truth. And we choose 00:07:19.240 --> 00:07:23.199 which family we come into, to be born into. Exactly. 00:07:26.250 --> 00:07:28.970 during that time there's a lot of lessons i learned 00:07:28.970 --> 00:07:30.490 and there's a lot of things i learned that i 00:07:30.490 --> 00:07:33.310 don't want to do with my family good or bad there's 00:07:33.310 --> 00:07:35.750 there's certain things that i'm like and at the 00:07:35.750 --> 00:07:38.610 end of the day um i still believe to this day 00:07:38.610 --> 00:07:41.029 that it was the example of my parents that make 00:07:41.029 --> 00:07:43.790 me go towards something or make me lean away 00:07:43.790 --> 00:07:45.730 from something i definitely don't want to do 00:07:45.730 --> 00:07:49.529 in my life so those i um but i want to shift 00:07:49.529 --> 00:07:53.970 focus on on your story now how did uh the book 00:07:54.459 --> 00:07:57.160 comment about it and like what was the when did 00:07:57.160 --> 00:07:59.000 you start the journey of being an author in those 00:07:59.000 --> 00:08:00.600 case scenario and what made you write a book 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:04.160 about those experiences and my guess is it's 00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.660 about your book like the book is about your experiences 00:08:06.660 --> 00:08:11.420 that you've had with your own mother yes um it 00:08:11.420 --> 00:08:14.800 was a book that i i was involved and still am 00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:19.079 in a lot of female empowerment and working with 00:08:19.079 --> 00:08:23.699 young girls um helping them find their voice, 00:08:23.980 --> 00:08:29.439 move through hard things. And every time I would 00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:32.679 do a workshop and if someone was stuck, I would 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:35.320 tell the story, you know, how my mother moved 00:08:35.320 --> 00:08:38.320 next door when I was 16 and got on with her life. 00:08:39.720 --> 00:08:44.279 And people would laugh because I would tell it 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:47.240 in a typical British fashion, which is with humor, 00:08:47.340 --> 00:08:53.649 which is actually how I write the book. And the 00:08:53.649 --> 00:08:57.190 more I talked about it, the more people asked 00:08:57.190 --> 00:09:01.850 me to write the book. And so I sat down and actually 00:09:01.850 --> 00:09:06.590 I was also asked to, excuse me, do a treatment 00:09:06.590 --> 00:09:11.649 for a movie. And I started to do that. But I 00:09:11.649 --> 00:09:14.470 realized in Hollywood, everyone wants to change 00:09:14.470 --> 00:09:18.960 a story. And a very good friend of mine. A producer 00:09:18.960 --> 00:09:21.720 actually said to me, write the book first, because 00:09:21.720 --> 00:09:25.980 there will always be the truth in the book. And 00:09:25.980 --> 00:09:28.820 the book will lead to many more things. And so 00:09:28.820 --> 00:09:33.559 I started writing the book. And to do so, I had 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:37.179 to go really deep myself into my own memory bank. 00:09:37.700 --> 00:09:43.519 I went back to England, saw old friends, met 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:47.639 with my sister many a time to... you know, try 00:09:47.639 --> 00:09:50.600 and understand different stories about my mother. 00:09:51.279 --> 00:09:55.559 Why did she do the things she did? What was her 00:09:55.559 --> 00:09:58.159 perspective? And I write in the beginning of 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:00.759 the book, you know, I have a half brother and 00:10:00.759 --> 00:10:03.919 sister from my mother's side, the family, and 00:10:03.919 --> 00:10:09.200 I have a sister from my dad, because The other 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:12.220 part of this story, which has many, many layers, 00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:16.600 which as you go into your own story, you discover. 00:10:19.360 --> 00:10:24.220 My mother was 45 and my dad was 60 when I was 00:10:24.220 --> 00:10:28.100 born, which was very rare at that time. So they 00:10:28.100 --> 00:10:30.279 had to bring these two teenage families together. 00:10:31.139 --> 00:10:36.190 So. As I got into her story, I started writing 00:10:36.190 --> 00:10:40.090 the book one way, just simply from more my perspective 00:10:40.090 --> 00:10:43.370 and the years I grew up. But then I realized 00:10:43.370 --> 00:10:45.629 the importance of putting the whole backstory 00:10:45.629 --> 00:10:50.370 of how she grew up. Because when you understand 00:10:50.370 --> 00:10:53.730 someone else's story and put yourself in their 00:10:53.730 --> 00:10:57.029 shoes, you understand their behavior and how 00:10:57.029 --> 00:11:00.269 their behavior often is nothing to do with you. 00:11:00.809 --> 00:11:04.190 but it's about their experience. And so that 00:11:04.190 --> 00:11:07.730 was a really important thing. And also I realized 00:11:07.730 --> 00:11:12.750 my mother, and I knew this to your point about 00:11:12.750 --> 00:11:15.929 how they model. My mother was fearless. She was 00:11:15.929 --> 00:11:23.490 doing things and living her life on her terms 00:11:23.490 --> 00:11:28.629 at a time when women weren't. And she was in 00:11:28.629 --> 00:11:32.870 her 60s. She was 60 when she left, 61, to start 00:11:32.870 --> 00:11:37.389 a whole new life. Now, however painful that is, 00:11:37.470 --> 00:11:41.409 to your other point, that showed me how she was 00:11:41.409 --> 00:11:46.649 being so truthful. Now she had felt she had taken 00:11:46.649 --> 00:11:49.809 care of her motherly duties, let's call it that. 00:11:49.950 --> 00:11:54.389 She wanted a new life. And she wanted her career 00:11:54.389 --> 00:11:56.990 back. She wanted to go and do the things she 00:11:56.990 --> 00:12:00.210 wanted to do, which she couldn't do with my father. 00:12:00.309 --> 00:12:03.409 They weren't the right match ultimately. And 00:12:03.409 --> 00:12:06.370 so that taught me about living life in my truth. 00:12:06.970 --> 00:12:14.269 That taught me fearlessness. And so as I wrote 00:12:14.269 --> 00:12:17.909 the book, however. And there's always elements 00:12:17.909 --> 00:12:21.590 of anger or pain or whatever that you're still 00:12:21.590 --> 00:12:27.929 feeling that you don't even realize you are that 00:12:27.929 --> 00:12:31.990 come out as you write. So I would be laughing 00:12:31.990 --> 00:12:36.450 hysterically at some of the stuff, angry, yelling 00:12:36.450 --> 00:12:41.190 at her, crying at times, thinking how lucky I 00:12:41.190 --> 00:12:46.269 was to have. such a loving, grounding father 00:12:46.269 --> 00:12:51.789 who was there, but also thinking how lucky I 00:12:51.789 --> 00:12:54.029 was to have a mother who taught me how to fly 00:12:54.029 --> 00:12:58.809 and take chances. So there were so many emotions 00:12:58.809 --> 00:13:03.669 that came up, so many new things I learned, and 00:13:03.669 --> 00:13:07.649 it helped me. I found... Well, it helped me understand 00:13:07.649 --> 00:13:10.909 a lot of things, but I found this whole new respect 00:13:10.909 --> 00:13:16.210 and compassion for her. And it really led me 00:13:16.210 --> 00:13:20.070 to that point of then with my own daughter creating 00:13:20.070 --> 00:13:23.070 Mothers and Daughters Unfiltered, our intergenerational 00:13:23.070 --> 00:13:27.950 conversation podcast, but also creating some 00:13:27.950 --> 00:13:31.149 workshops for mother and daughters so daughters 00:13:31.149 --> 00:13:37.340 can see their mothers as women. as people who 00:13:37.340 --> 00:13:40.600 had dreams before they were born, dreams still 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:43.519 while they were raising them, and have aspirations 00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:49.200 and dreams after they've left the coop. So I 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:53.039 think we all get something different out of writing 00:13:53.039 --> 00:13:56.679 and looking into our story, but it's that first 00:13:56.679 --> 00:14:01.159 step of owning it, self -reflection, and being 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:05.629 willing to do that. And give someone a break 00:14:05.629 --> 00:14:07.909 because often we don't give our parents a break. 00:14:08.690 --> 00:14:14.809 I think it's so true because we are so, and I've 00:14:14.809 --> 00:14:17.149 been guilty of this in the past for sure, that 00:14:17.149 --> 00:14:22.470 we are easy to blame and we are last one to take 00:14:22.470 --> 00:14:27.250 responsibility of our own actions. But I believe 00:14:27.250 --> 00:14:31.590 in most cases, not all, but most cases, if we 00:14:31.590 --> 00:14:33.370 were living the lives our parents were living, 00:14:33.789 --> 00:14:37.230 and we were in the circumstances that they were 00:14:37.230 --> 00:14:40.070 in, I believe we will make the same choices that 00:14:40.070 --> 00:14:43.629 they did. Yes. You know, that is such an important 00:14:43.629 --> 00:14:48.570 point, Harry, is understanding. And in our workshop, 00:14:48.690 --> 00:14:53.990 we have a section in what context did your mother 00:14:53.990 --> 00:14:56.809 become your mother? Who was her support system? 00:14:57.070 --> 00:15:00.279 How did those around her view motherhood? what 00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:02.740 was going on in her life, in her community, in 00:15:02.740 --> 00:15:06.519 society as a whole. I mean, every generation 00:15:06.519 --> 00:15:09.820 changes. My mum had been through the Second World 00:15:09.820 --> 00:15:16.559 War, lost a child, but she still had the ability 00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:21.379 to bring more children in the world. Have a positive 00:15:21.379 --> 00:15:23.860 outlook and not give up. Thank you for being 00:15:23.860 --> 00:15:25.799 here today. I'm really happy that you tuned in 00:15:25.799 --> 00:15:28.440 to Vision Pros Live. I'm looking forward to seeing 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:31.500 your reactions as these episodes continue to 00:15:31.500 --> 00:15:33.200 move forward. This is going to get more and more 00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:35.519 fun. We'll have more and more engagement as well. 00:15:35.539 --> 00:15:37.460 We'll invite people to participate in the show. 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:39.620 And thank you for giving us your time and attention. 00:15:39.940 --> 00:15:42.559 Have an excellent time building out your vision 00:15:42.559 --> 00:15:43.940 and becoming a vision pro yourself.