1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000 Tell me about your vision. 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:04,800 My vision is that 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,280 people 4 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,400 understand themselves better, 5 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:15,560 understand what drives them as my book is titled and the way that I 6 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:20,960 talk about it in the book is using the metaphor of a car to 7 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,720 represent a family and 8 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,040 we 9 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:32,760 We sit in this car whether or not your family had a car is irrelevant, but we all sit within the confines of a family 10 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,080 system that is like a car and 11 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,160 the power of 12 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,200 the influence of the behaviors in that car when we grow up 13 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:49,000 Really have tremendous amount to do with shaping the people that we become 14 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,160 and so 15 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:55,920 we all grow up with some stuff that works really well for us and and 16 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,880 most of us have stuff that doesn't work really well for us and 17 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:07,000 my book is helping people to be able to increase their self-awareness about 18 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:12,000 Themselves and about about their family members 19 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:16,240 and mostly to increase self-compassion 20 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:22,400 so my vision is that we would live in a more compassionate world and 21 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,280 When people have self-confession 22 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,600 Compassion, they're able to look honestly and truthfully at themselves 23 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,720 understand their areas of challenge and understand their strengths and 24 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,120 When we can do that compassionately we then get to be 25 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:46,840 More purposeful in trying to make changes that might serve us better 26 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,680 So we all leave our cars 27 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:59,000 When we grow up and then we go on to create new cars if if we have a partner or have children 28 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,360 But even if we're on our own we create a new car 29 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:10,280 And so what happens in the car when we're growing up and I'm gonna tell you a little bit about myself because I think it will 30 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,760 Explain my journey and how I got here 31 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,520 I grew up as an only child and 32 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:26,280 My mother and father got divorced when I was a baby and I didn't really know my father very well 33 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,400 but my mother ultimately remarried and 34 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,480 That man is the man that I consider to be my father 35 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:38,680 The reason why I tell you that is because if you think of our little family 36 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,880 Think of our little family in the context of a car 37 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,960 The father in my family was in the driver's seat 38 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:53,240 My mother was in the front passenger seat and my seat was in the back seat by myself 39 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,040 now 40 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,840 When I was 18 months old and my parents divorced 41 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,240 The father 42 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,040 All of a sudden was gone from that driver's seat 43 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,960 Basically never to be spoken of again until I was much older 44 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,400 And my seat changed as happens 45 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:16,760 very much when families are when there's the death of a parent or divorce of a parent 46 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:23,880 Or separation of a parent my seat then became to be in the passenger seat beside my mother 47 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,920 So in my very young life 48 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,960 I had three people a driver and a passenger and I was in the back 49 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,880 and I stayed in the back for seven years until my mother remarried 50 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:44,360 And at that time a new driver came in and my mother moved back to the passenger seat and I moved to the back seat 51 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:49,720 And my role in that back seat the rule in our car 52 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,520 Was that little girls are to be seen and not heard 53 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:59,160 Which was a very common rule back in the day that I grew up 54 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:05,720 And so because my car had had been had changed so much in my early life 55 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,520 My goal when I got this 56 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:13,160 New father in the driver's seat was that I was not going to rock the boat 57 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,080 I was just going to try to follow the rules and be a good girl 58 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:23,320 And what that meant for me was that I spent my entire childhood as an only child 59 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,960 By myself in the back seat of my car trying to be quiet 60 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:34,760 Trying not to have any needs trying not to disrupt everything and just keep everybody happy 61 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,400 So I learned good things from that 62 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,920 Like I'm a really independent person 63 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:47,240 Like I know if there's something I want that I'm gonna get it 64 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,360 I'm not gonna wait for someone else to get it for me 65 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:55,560 I learned that I'm industrious that I can be friendly 66 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,600 I can outreach to people they can come to me 67 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:05,160 But I also learned to sit quietly and most importantly not have a voice 68 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:10,760 So I grow up learning that what I had to say didn't matter 69 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,880 That my feelings weren't important 70 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:19,800 And that I was just supposed to sit and look nice in this car 71 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,880 Because that was another rule of the car is that you always 72 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,880 Looked your very best 73 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,520 And so as an adult 74 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,560 Some of those things are really helpful 75 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,560 I'm still highly independent 76 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:37,560 My family just laughs at me that I just don't ask for help 77 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:41,560 Because I was trained not to ask for help 78 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:48,680 But I also as an adult have had a very very hard time and still do in many ways 79 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,320 Having a voice 80 00:05:51,320 --> 00:06:00,280 And so the way that I decided to have a voice in my adult life was to have two different occupations 81 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,080 That required to talk 82 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:10,360 That required me to be myself and be with people and say what I needed to say 83 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,840 One is being a therapist 84 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,360 People pay to hear me talk 85 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:25,640 And the other is that I taught social work students graduate students at the University of Michigan for over 20 years 86 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:31,000 And again, this is a whole class full of people that came to hear me talk 87 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:37,800 So I have been able to get my stuff out there 88 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:43,160 However, when it comes time to saying something negative to a family member 89 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:48,040 I'm probably not going to do it. Yeah, because or if I do do it 90 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,040 I'm going to apologize for 10 minutes before I finally say what I need to say 91 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,480 Because that training in me that fear 92 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:04,120 That you just can't do it is still in me. My body owns it 93 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:10,760 And our bodies carry all of this learning that we do 94 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:14,040 In as we grow up within our families 95 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:22,680 So I came up with this concept while I was teaching social work students about how to work with families 96 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:28,920 And it became a really valuable thing a lesson for them for their own lives 97 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:34,520 And also learning about what's happening with this family that i'm working with 98 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:40,040 And as my book has come out and people have read it 99 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:44,280 Just the what I hear about people that read it 100 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:50,440 They're able to say of now I get why I do that. I hate that I do that 101 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,520 But I understand that it was taught to me and it's my default behavior 102 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:02,200 I talk a lot about what's default for us what just comes out of it 103 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:11,480 And oftentimes what comes up is not really a thing that we would do or say if we were truly being intentional about something 104 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,040 But our bodies just react 105 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:22,040 So my vision is a vision of people who understand themselves who 106 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:28,760 Take ownership of who they are and what they do take ownership of their relationships 107 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:35,560 Especially primary relationships like being a partner or being a parent 108 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:40,680 These these are just life with lifelong results 109 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:47,080 And I believe that if we had a society that had self-compassion 110 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,960 And other compassion 111 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:55,480 That it would change everything it it changes everything 112 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:59,880 It would change everything it it changes us as individuals 113 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:06,060 It changes how families operate so that one child isn't the scapegoat 114 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,600 so that one child 115 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:17,000 Isn't just the good one that nobody can catch up to and leaves the rest of their siblings kind of in their in their trail 116 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,640 So that a child can feel 117 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,860 Seen and heard and worthwhile 118 00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:26,380 And the problem that happens in the workplace is 119 00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:30,860 people get into workplace teams and assume 120 00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:37,100 The role that they have always played without this kind of 121 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,040 Um 122 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,040 Intentionality I would say 123 00:09:41,980 --> 00:09:46,000 And so the one who sat in the back seat that nobody noticed 124 00:09:46,540 --> 00:09:51,020 Is likely not going to be the one with very smart bright ideas 125 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,700 at a meeting 126 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:54,700 Because they have been trained 127 00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:56,540 that 128 00:09:56,540 --> 00:09:58,540 Not to do that 129 00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:00,540 And so it would take 130 00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:04,620 Um a manager or a boss who understood this person 131 00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:13,020 To be able to get them to part fully participate in a team setting to not be afraid that they would be ridiculed 132 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:17,020 By suggesting something not be afraid to ask a question 133 00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:21,260 And also to be considerate of the other people on the team and 134 00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:26,540 What what their roles were and their cars and how those roles are coming out? 135 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,620 And is this really helpful for our team? 136 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:34,220 Or is it just people acting? 137 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:41,500 Rotely because they just don't have the awareness for the self-compassion to act differently 138 00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:43,900 and 139 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,900 Um, thank you for sharing that 140 00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:52,140 Would you say when what was the age or when when did you realize that this is something you had? 141 00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:58,460 And something that you realized that hey, oh my gosh. This is something that's been going on in my mind 142 00:10:58,460 --> 00:11:02,700 I need to fix it or change it or overcome it. What when was that? 143 00:11:04,140 --> 00:11:09,340 So it happened at in various stages in my life my mother used to talk about 144 00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:13,820 That they couldn't take me anywhere. She used to say we'd go to a restroom 145 00:11:13,820 --> 00:11:16,860 Anywhere she used to say we'd go to a restaurant and sit down 146 00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:22,940 And before in a minute i'd be up out of my seat making friends with the people at the next table 147 00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:30,380 And my mother would say it kind of teasingly to me. I don't think she really liked it, but she didn't stop me 148 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,820 But that tells me that even at that early age 149 00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:39,820 I was seeking way more than just being the one child in the back seat 150 00:11:39,820 --> 00:11:45,980 And I do remember in grade school being in my friend's cars 151 00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:51,980 Literally cars with their family their families and their cars were so noisy 152 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:59,020 And these kids were all interacting and being upset with each other and being mad at each other and 153 00:11:59,340 --> 00:12:03,900 Laughing with each other and joking with each other and I noticed even then 154 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:10,700 You know before I was a teenager even that other people just did not have it the same way I did 155 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,100 With this very quiet 156 00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:18,140 You know perfectly acting threesome in this in this car 157 00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:23,020 and another another thing that influenced my life is it 158 00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:27,420 Very coincidentally both of my parents were also only children 159 00:12:27,420 --> 00:12:33,660 And so it's not like I had a cherished aunt whose house I spent a lot of time at 160 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:39,580 So we were really alone a lot of the time there was not extended family 161 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:46,220 And so I began trying from the time I was very young to make a lot of friends 162 00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:48,540 to gather people around me 163 00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:51,180 um and to and to 164 00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:55,900 Be a part of something bigger than just myself 165 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,420 myself 166 00:12:57,420 --> 00:13:01,980 When I went away to college a thing happened to me. It really changed my life 167 00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:07,360 Um a girlfriend and I went to talk to the head of the person in the dormitory 168 00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,300 because we were 169 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:16,860 Upset not about the dormitory but just we were sad and she was talking to us about our families and 170 00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:20,400 I just remember her saying to me something 171 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:27,280 When I had said something about my parents or they don't want me to do that or they're just really 172 00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:29,520 criticizing me 173 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,200 She looked at me and she said I just can't imagine 174 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,720 How parents wouldn't just be so proud of you? 175 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,840 and that was just 176 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:44,720 Like here's this person who hardly knows me who sees my value 177 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:52,240 And yet I I really never got a sense of that in my house growing up. I never got a sense of it 178 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,240 so 179 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:59,840 At various stages of my life I came to understand I would say 180 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,400 Um, i've had a lot of therapy. I needed a lot of therapy just 181 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,640 To be able to be this person and know who I am and not have to 182 00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:13,200 Apologize for myself and understand that I do have worth 183 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:20,720 Because I just didn't think I had that and so in my 30s and 40s. I really began understanding 184 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:27,760 This concept and understanding that this vision that I had of myself that I was 185 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,520 Worthless and a disappointment and that I didn't matter 186 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:39,200 That that was really much more about my parents than about my actual value in the world 187 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:44,400 And and with that understanding and lots of work 188 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:51,760 I was able to come to a much more self-accepting place and a much more 189 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,680 compassionate self-compassionate place and 190 00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:03,040 Ultimately, the real gift in that was being able to have compassion for my parents 191 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,120 or the 192 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,160 for the 193 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:10,400 Faulted people that they were who were only trying their best 194 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,960 That didn't work out for me 195 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,400 but 196 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,960 That was just a major thing was to be able to develop compassion 197 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,920 For that. Thank you for being here today. I'm really happy that you tuned in to vision pros live 198 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:29,120 I'm looking forward to seeing your reactions as these episodes continue to move forward 199 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,600 This is going to get more and more fun. We'll have more and more engagement as well. We'll invite people 200 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,960 To participate in the show and thank you for giving us your time and attention 201 00:15:36,960 --> 00:16:03,920 Have an excellent time building out your vision and becoming a vision pro yourself