1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,280 So go into detail because I'm sure, you know, 2 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:06,440 those that probably watched the last one will need to know 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,400 more about your business and what you do. 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,120 Yeah, absolutely. 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,960 So I work in a field called the behavioral science 6 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,440 of attraction, which is really looking at what is it 7 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,880 that you are unconsciously attracting into your life 8 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,840 from a relationship point of view, 9 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,160 and what do you need to be attracting into your life 10 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,720 to be happy long-term, and how do you go about doing that? 11 00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:31,160 So a lot of the work that I do is really rooted 12 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:35,160 at looking at what's going on in the subconscious, right? 13 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:38,160 And essentially, the outcome is helping you 14 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:41,280 either fix your marriage, transform your relationship 15 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:45,000 for the positive, or find healthy love. 16 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,240 So I work with people who are either single 17 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,080 and looking for that special person 18 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,000 to ultimately spend their life with, 19 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,400 or people who are already in that relationship, 20 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,960 but maybe it's not going the way that they want it to go. 21 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,440 So maybe they're feeling disconnected, 22 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,080 maybe they're feeling a bit lonely in that dynamic. 23 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,240 I see that a lot. 24 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,360 Maybe they're feeling unsupported, 25 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,960 and they don't really want to drag their partner 26 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,080 to marriage counseling, which we actually know data shows 27 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,200 that 38% of people still end up divorced anyway, 28 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,560 not necessarily a silver bullet. 29 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,080 And they don't want to do tons of therapy either, 30 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,080 because it's slow, right? 31 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,680 Therapy is pretty slow. 32 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,400 They want answers now, they want to get clarity now, 33 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,040 and they want to fix things. 34 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,880 So really, that's my specialization. 35 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,160 And the way that I do that is through this methodology 36 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,680 that I call the Successful in Love Method, 37 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,320 which I built myself based on my own trajectory 38 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:37,000 of going from a really unhappy engagement 39 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,000 to being happily married. 40 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,480 And all of that is really work that you can do yourself. 41 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,880 So it's not something that you have to drag your partner into. 42 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:47,000 It's not something that you have to kind of do as homework, 43 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,960 and no one's ever doing it. 44 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,880 It's really stuff that you can do on your own 45 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,480 with your own time. 46 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:55,720 It doesn't even take that much time. 47 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,880 All of the people I work with are very high achieving, 48 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:58,680 busy professionals. 49 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,040 They're really looking at 15 minutes a day. 50 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:05,200 And it's stuff that you can do within 90 days to six months 51 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,480 to really turn things around. 52 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:08,440 I love that. 53 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:09,160 I love that. 54 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,840 And as I mentioned to you before, 55 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:17,600 I am super shocked that this is something that you work with, 56 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,800 because you do find a lot of, you said high performing, 57 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:28,440 and I'm thinking of C-suite high up in their job working 58 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,440 pretty much 80 to 90 hours a week. 59 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:36,200 And either they are missing out on love, 60 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,320 household is affected by the work. 61 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:42,160 But I love the fact that you are touching 62 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,920 this specific audience or specific client tail. 63 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:50,280 Because if they're so successful in their business 64 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,960 and lacking that in their relationship, 65 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,840 it just sets their life off for a lack of balance, 66 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,320 which I believe we all have. 67 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,760 But I believe there's this innate need to feel and be 68 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:01,600 loved. 69 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,800 And so I love that you're working on that with them. 70 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,840 One of the things that you mentioned 71 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:11,640 is counseling therapy could be slow. 72 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,640 And the first thing that popped in my mind is we have an hour, 73 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,520 and you have them sitting there looking at the time. 74 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:20,840 Right? 75 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,480 Like you said, people that don't have much time and want to, 76 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,240 I don't say want to fix it, but want to answer sooner than later 77 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,760 to where they're going, this is definitely an option for them 78 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,160 to be able to work on that. 79 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,040 So when you do dive in and you get into this 80 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,960 with your clients, what's the biggest transformation 81 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,320 you've seen in your clients recently? 82 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,240 Yeah, it's so lovely. 83 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,960 I mean, I was saying to my husband this morning, 84 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,600 I got two bits of client feedback. 85 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240 They were like, I'm so grateful. 86 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,360 Like you're changing my life. 87 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,360 And it's like the loveliest thing to wake up to. 88 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,440 Truly is. 89 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,280 It's the best. 90 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,440 The biggest transformation that I see, 91 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,560 and I'm going to speak specifically about people 92 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,640 who are in relationship, because the people who are single, 93 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:06,600 I mean, biggest transformation is 94 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:07,840 to get into a happy relationship. 95 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:08,480 Right? 96 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,360 It's like it's pretty obvious. 97 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,320 Or I will say I've had a couple of clients 98 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,600 who they actually come to the conclusion 99 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,600 that they don't even need a relationship, 100 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:19,200 that they're actually so fine and happy on their own 101 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,560 after doing this inner work. 102 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,200 And funnily enough, that's when the relationship comes as well. 103 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:23,680 Right? 104 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,640 When you can really let go because you're feeling so good. 105 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:31,120 But the people in relationship, the biggest transformation 106 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:32,040 is typically this. 107 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,680 So the person that I'm working with, 108 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:34,960 whoever in that relationship it might be, 109 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,880 the male or the female, whatever it is, 110 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,640 and they will start doing the inner work. 111 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,400 They will start feeling that transformation 112 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,680 and start to kind of take that responsibility 113 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,760 over their side of the street, what they're 114 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,560 bringing to the table, their blocks, their patterns, 115 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,640 their projections, their communication style, 116 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,560 their triggers, their emotional volatility, 117 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,120 because we all do that. 118 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,480 And they start to, on an unconscious level, 119 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,080 regain control of it. 120 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:58,600 Right? 121 00:04:58,600 --> 00:04:59,960 So we're kind of clearing the triggers, 122 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,680 we're clearing the blocks, and making sure 123 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,880 that everything is being taken care of. 124 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,840 And they can feel that they have done everything in their power 125 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,520 to transform that dynamic. 126 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:10,760 They have a clean conscience. 127 00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,560 And so they're doing this work. 128 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,200 They typically start to become very securely attached, 129 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,880 if we're not attached to theory. 130 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:21,680 They become very kind of stable, calm, grounded, at peace, 131 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,240 happy, confident, all the good things. 132 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,720 The partner will obviously feel this, 133 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,000 because the dynamics shifted now. 134 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:28,520 Right? 135 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,960 The person's not getting triggered anymore. 136 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,080 They're not yelling at them anymore. 137 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,680 They're not being passive aggressive. 138 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,160 And so the partner will feel it. 139 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,080 And it's so funny, so often the partner will actually 140 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,400 freak out. 141 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,080 Because they're like, this is a new person. 142 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:41,680 What's going on? 143 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:42,400 Are you having an affair? 144 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,520 Like, what's happening? 145 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,400 And that is actually where, very often, the client 146 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,600 will actually admit to their partner that, you know what? 147 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,840 I've been doing some relationship coaching. 148 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,480 I've been working with Katharina. 149 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,160 And they kind of open up on their work. 150 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,800 And that's when the other partner will very typically 151 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,200 be quite shocked at how bad things have got. 152 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,960 And that's almost like the kind of the wake up call 153 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,160 that they need. 154 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,720 And they're going to see their partners 155 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,920 in doing all this incredible work and really leveled up. 156 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,120 It's inspiration for them to do the same. 157 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,640 There's no nagging. 158 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,440 There's no dragging them to the therapist's office, literally 159 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,200 from a place of inspiration. 160 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,040 And so what happens then is that the partner, 161 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,680 the opposing partner, will either actually step up, 162 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,240 get their own help, their own support, and do the work. 163 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,200 And the whole relationship will change for the better. 164 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,600 Or they don't. 165 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,360 They don't, right? 166 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,800 And that's what happened to me twice, 167 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,160 that the partner just didn't step up. 168 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,440 And the client realized that this 169 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,480 is kind of irreparable, that now that they're securely attached, 170 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,160 now that they're feeling good, that they can actually do better. 171 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,000 They deserve more from that relationship. 172 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:48,800 And so they've left. 173 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,160 But their leaving has always been 174 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,240 from a place of confidence and clarity. 175 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:54,960 So the transformation is pretty big, right? 176 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,520 It's saving the marriage or getting something new. 177 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,480 So it is significant. 178 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:02,280 Very important. 179 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,400 I think that is so interesting because I'm 180 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:09,240 a firm believer in trying to work things out, 181 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,680 a goal of not fixing, right? 182 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,720 Because fixing means just a whole different ball game, 183 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,800 but working things out and making sure 184 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:23,040 that I hold myself accountable first and then there figure out 185 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,040 what's going on with me. 186 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,800 Like you said, subconsciously, what's going on with me, 187 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,920 so then that I can give a different reaction. 188 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:34,480 So as you mentioned, so it's either a better relationship 189 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:38,600 or they see that they deserve or want more. 190 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,440 And I think that that happens a lot when 191 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,320 it comes to therapy, one person. 192 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,640 And I like that you're doing it individually, right? 193 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,680 You're not working on both at the same time 194 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,680 because I see that conflict. 195 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:54,160 Disclosingly, I've been in couples counseling. 196 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:58,800 You feel like one side's being taking more or the other side 197 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,800 or you're really speaking to them and not necessarily me. 198 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,080 So you have, Ketanita, you have the opportunity 199 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,480 to just focus on one person thereafter once they're 200 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,240 aware of what they're going through 201 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,240 or what part they played, they can now 202 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,600 help educate the partner. 203 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,840 So have you found that some of these partners 204 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:24,080 are not receptive in a negative way? 205 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,920 They feel that their partner has done better, 206 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,400 but they've done it without them? 207 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,720 Yeah, really good question. 208 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:38,240 I've not found the partner to be negative towards the work. 209 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,960 I will say that I have a couple of clients 210 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,600 who haven't disclosed to their partner 211 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,440 that they're doing this work because they're 212 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,800 afraid of the reaction, which I can understand. 213 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,760 And to that end, I'm such a believer 214 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,720 that transparency and honesty are fundamental foundations. 215 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,240 And yet, you don't have to, when it comes to mental health, 216 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,840 when it comes to doing this inner work, 217 00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,720 I do believe that you are entitled to your privacy 218 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,800 until you get to that safe and solid ground where 219 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,040 you have that free will decision of, 220 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,320 I feel safe now to disclose this information. 221 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,720 And even then, I don't think you have to go to the nitty gritty. 222 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,760 You get to work on your own in a landscape, whatever 223 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,800 you need to do, as long as the outcome is ultimately 224 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,600 for the greatest good of yourself 225 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,400 and the relationship. 226 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,240 So I can imagine one instance, for example, 227 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,360 that I'm working with right now that the partner wouldn't 228 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,520 receive it well. 229 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,320 But hopefully, that doesn't happen, right? 230 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,040 Yeah, and you can, in my mind, I'm 231 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,680 just thinking what that looks like. 232 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,680 And I'll describe it as me feeling so happy, 233 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,280 almost like a rebirth, right? 234 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,520 That I'm working with you, and I'm exploring, 235 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,720 and I realize I can do better. 236 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,520 And when you feel like you can do better and you do better, 237 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,360 and again, like you said, those questions 238 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,600 might come up with a partner. 239 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,680 Are you cheating? What's happening? 240 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,440 Aren't accepting of you doing the work alone? 241 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,560 But that proudness of like, hey, I did the work. 242 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:05,600 Now I'm coming back to you. 243 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,240 We can do this. 244 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:07,600 We can do this. 245 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,400 Or that person changes and says, I 246 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:18,240 don't know if I like the happy, accountable, accepting person 247 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,280 and who I am. 248 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:22,960 So I just think that it's a dynamic that 249 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,920 is imperative to work on self and then 250 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,080 the subconscious thoughts to work through these things. 251 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,200 I guess just the thought of knowing that it could possibly 252 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:32,720 end. 253 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,240 Yeah. 254 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,840 And you know what? 255 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,840 It's such an important point that you're making. 256 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,720 Because if we take success to be the greatest 257 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,560 good for both parties, right? 258 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,360 Sometimes that doesn't mean the relationship's 259 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:46,320 going to have to end. 260 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,960 Because the foundations upon which that relationship was 261 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,480 built were very insecure. 262 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,600 It could be that you are very vulnerable, 263 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,160 that you are very needy. 264 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,560 You are very anxious when you got into that first relationship. 265 00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,120 Maybe you didn't know what was compatible with you, 266 00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,360 which most people don't. 267 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,600 Maybe you were young. 268 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,840 And now as time has passed and you've matured and landed 269 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,240 into your own skin and you've developed confidence 270 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,600 and self-love and you know your worth 271 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,040 and you look at your partner, it's completely fair 272 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,800 to say that sometimes it's not good enough. 273 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,840 That's what happened to me, ultimately. 274 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,160 As I started doing this work in my first engagement, 275 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,440 I realized that we are fundamentally incompatible. 276 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,160 And actually to stay together is a disservice 277 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,840 to me and to him. 278 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,080 It's not fair on either of us, right? 279 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,080 There's nothing bad. 280 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:27,920 It's a good thing. 281 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,520 11 months later I met my husband and it's 282 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,000 a whole different dynamic. 283 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,440 And I would like to think that he will meet someone else too 284 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,720 if he hasn't already. 285 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:37,600 It's like there's an element of freedom here. 286 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,760 Freedom to level up and be your best self 287 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,160 and see what happens. 288 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,880 Do you come back together? 289 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,400 Do you make some time apart to both work on yourself 290 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,600 and level up and then come back together? 291 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,800 Yeah. 292 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,640 Every relationship is going to be unique here. 293 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,000 And just forcing it to stay together 294 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,240 is by no means an indicator of success. 295 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,320 Yes, yes. 296 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,840 And the fear of the unknown when you do 297 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,000 begin to work on yourself and then you 298 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,240 find out all these things about yourself, 299 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:10,600 it is scary to be going through this life like, 300 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,160 will I find someone else? 301 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,400 And disclosing and being transparent, 302 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,880 I am in my third marriage and happy. 303 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,280 However, I have no regrets. 304 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,240 No regrets of the two other marriages 305 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:28,400 because if we don't take ourselves accountable, 306 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,360 reflect, and see what we've done differently, 307 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,200 not the blaming game. 308 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,400 What could I have done differently in that marriage, 309 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,800 that situation to make it a more positive experience, 310 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,160 not only for myself but the other person. 311 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,120 So that's the considering someone else 312 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,600 and doing it unselfishly. 313 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,880 I believe some of my therapy was based off 314 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:56,200 of trying to figure out where I was and where I was going. 315 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,120 But also, we don't realize how much this 316 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:04,680 sets us up for an amazing, more engaging 317 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:08,440 and intimate relationship in the future. 318 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,160 But the fear of the unknown is super crazy. 319 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:16,760 Not to mention, you are working with individuals that are, 320 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,800 if I may do air quotes, are super successful. 321 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:25,080 So then they get to this point where the unknown for them is, 322 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,400 are they with me for my money? 323 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,080 Oh, yeah. 324 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,360 Are they with me for my fame? 325 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,680 So how would you work through that for someone now 326 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,360 is scared, is like, OK, what happens now? 327 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,200 Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. 328 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,280 And that's such a valid fear, right? 329 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,960 Ultimately, it comes down to learning to trust yourself. 330 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,720 It's not about trusting the other person. 331 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,600 It's about trusting yourself to pick up on the signs 332 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,200 and read the room and read the other person 333 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,400 and make the right decisions and take action on that. 334 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,360 One of the biggest things that I have a podcast 335 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,400 that's said on this is we often get at our instinct. 336 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,320 We often feel intuitively that this isn't right 337 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:06,200 or maybe this person should be suspicious of. 338 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,120 And there are two instincts we can have. 339 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,560 One isn't a real instinct. 340 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,160 It's just fear kicking in. 341 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,960 And it sounds very convincing. 342 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,760 And you drop down through that. 343 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,560 Then you have the real gut instinct, 344 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,200 which is typically from the lower belly. 345 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,120 And it's much deeper and insidious. 346 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,600 And it feels expansive and true. 347 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:28,800 When you have that, if you don't take action on your instinct, 348 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,280 you are literally eroding your own self-trust 349 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,480 because you are unconsciously communicating to yourself, 350 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,600 I'm not listening to you. 351 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:36,160 Yeah. 352 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,960 What you just said isn't important, right? 353 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,400 And that's where it starts to get really tricky. 354 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,160 And so such a big part of the work that I do 355 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:46,440 is teaching people how to trust themselves, 356 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,360 how to trust their body, how to trust their instinct, 357 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:53,640 and cut through the noise of the anxiety, which 358 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,640 may have wisdom behind it, absolutely, 359 00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,760 but sometimes may just be an old past projection 360 00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,400 that's kind of running on loop. 361 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:03,360 And that's the only way that you can really know, right? 362 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,040 And you know that word trust. 363 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,680 It's so funny because most people use the word trust 364 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,720 as trusting others, right? 365 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,320 But the big thing that you just said is trusting yourself. 366 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,720 And I don't think we put a value or even a thought 367 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,960 about how important it is to trust ourselves. 368 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,640 And once we understand what that feels like, 369 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,680 I think that's when we can start gauging the room 370 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,680 and trusting other people. 371 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,320 So now my head is just going all over the place 372 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:36,680 thinking that trust is far beyond trusting someone 373 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,720 you don't know, right? 374 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,680 Because they can present to you trust. 375 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,880 And then you can gain it or you decrease it, 376 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,680 and then you decide what to do with that relationship. 377 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,520 What do you do with yourself? 378 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,640 It's not like you can gain more trust, 379 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,520 or you have to just at least have 380 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,000 the basics of the foundation of trusting. 381 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,880 So how do you have that discussion 382 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:03,000 to tell people when it is safe to trust themselves? 383 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,000 So a big part of the practice that I teach 384 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,520 is learning to work with the body, 385 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,040 some of mine is on this teacher as well. 386 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:13,160 And it really comes down to learning to discern in your body 387 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:17,240 what is the response when it's a fear or an anxiety that's 388 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,760 coming from the past, right? 389 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:19,880 Like when it's a past projection, 390 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:20,680 where does it live in the body? 391 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:21,480 How does it feel in the body? 392 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,160 Get really familiar with that. 393 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,720 And then getting familiar with what is a gut instinct? 394 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,040 What is it in a knowing? 395 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,960 They're going to be two very different sensations. 396 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,000 And ultimately, you want to get to a place where it starts 397 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:33,440 to feel very automatic. 398 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:34,720 And then you feel that gut instinct. 399 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,640 And you know this is a message, and I'm 400 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,160 going to go listen to it, and I'm actually 401 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,840 going to do something about it. 402 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,760 And then it's kind of like an experiment, right? 403 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,320 Like the first time you're doing this, 404 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,480 you're starting out, absolutely. 405 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,240 Try acting on it in a kind of small way. 406 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,680 If it doesn't seem like the right thing to do, then sure. 407 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,240 Maybe you haven't figured out that instinct yet, right? 408 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,080 A bit more practice is needed. 409 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:57,840 Start small. 410 00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,080 Like if you have an instinct, oh, maybe I 411 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,960 didn't lock the door in the car, right? 412 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,040 Go back and check. 413 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,640 If you haven't locked it and the instinct was flaring, 414 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,440 then absolutely, well done. 415 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,680 You can now trust it. 416 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,880 It's going to keep building. 417 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,120 It's not that you have to make a big decision of, 418 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,960 I'm just going to leave my partner on the back of doing 419 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,160 this once. 420 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,520 It's a little micro, micro movements, micro actions 421 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,360 over time that build that muscle and kind of develop evidence 422 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,240 that you can trust yourself. 423 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,640 And I love that you use the word micro, which is baby steps. 424 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,400 Oh, yeah. 425 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,280 One degree shift. 426 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:33,040 Yeah, don't go big, right? 427 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,640 Talk about the car door first. 428 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,320 Don't talk about money decision or relationship decision. 429 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,760 Being your marriage, yeah. 430 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,000 Let's go small. 431 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,560 So with all of this, and of course, 432 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,240 like I stated, this is our second visit. 433 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,680 Tell me about your vision in this all. 434 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,240 Yeah, and it's such an interesting question 435 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,200 because I actually started my career, well, 436 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,920 the second half of my career was in philanthropy. 437 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,200 My big mission was international development, 438 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,600 international aid, helping people at scale. 439 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:06,680 And I burnt out. 440 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,000 I burnt out, right? 441 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,920 And now I've kind of pivoted since I moved 442 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,200 into behavioral science to I truly believe that the world 443 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,880 will be a better place. 444 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,840 Things like climate change, animal cruelty, racism, 445 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:25,080 like global hostility, wars, et cetera, 446 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,920 they are going to be diminished when 447 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:32,680 we learn to be more in love with ourselves and with others. 448 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,520 It's just a fact, right? 449 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,960 The more healthy and secure and loving 450 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,120 that you can be in your day to day with yourself 451 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,320 and with your beloved and with others, 452 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,240 the happier you're going to be, the nicer you're going to be, 453 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,200 the better the planet's going to be. 454 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,160 And ultimately, the high performance that I work with, 455 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,880 you're probably going to be in a position of power, right? 456 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,520 You're going to be in a position of power. 457 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,120 You're not saying you have to be a CEO, 458 00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,160 but you're going to have a lot of leverage. 459 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,600 So let's make that leverage good. 460 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,000 Thank you for being here today. 461 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,480 I'm really happy that you tuned in to Vision Pros Live. 462 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,120 I'm looking forward to seeing your reactions 463 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,360 as these episodes continue to move forward. 464 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,040 This is going to get more and more fun. 465 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,960 We'll have more and more engagement as well. 466 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,000 We'll invite people to participate in the show. 467 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,360 And thank you for giving us your time and attention. 468 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,080 Have an excellent time building out your vision 469 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:26,720 and becoming a Vision Pro yourself.