1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,060 What tips do you have for employees? 2 00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:05,540 But I want to do it in a situation where supposedly 3 00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:07,180 I'm the one who's being bullied. 4 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:10,960 Maybe my boss is a bully. 5 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,540 Maybe my supervisor is a bully in a way 6 00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:16,740 where they're continuously nagging me 7 00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:19,660 about doing stuff right or something of that sort 8 00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:21,020 in a non-healthy environment. 9 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,820 How would I deal with it? 10 00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:24,140 Okay. 11 00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:26,540 When you're applying boundaries, 12 00:00:26,540 --> 00:00:28,180 the first thing you need to recognize 13 00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:31,260 is what belongs to you and what does not. 14 00:00:31,260 --> 00:00:34,560 So I like to use the yard analogy. 15 00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,440 So you think about your yard. 16 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,600 What's in your yard are your thoughts, feelings, and actions. 17 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,800 What is on the other side of the fence 18 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,100 in your neighbor's yard, which does not belong to you, 19 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,740 are your neighbors, which could be anyone 20 00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:48,900 that you're in a relationship with, 21 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:50,660 could be your boss, could be your coworker, 22 00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:53,820 in their yard are their thoughts, feelings, and actions, 23 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:56,220 which you are not responsible for. 24 00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:58,980 So when you're looking at this scenario, 25 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:02,100 you look at your feelings and your thoughts, 26 00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:04,900 knowing you have a right to these. 27 00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,060 And if you cannot let them go, 28 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:08,860 let's say it's happened as repetitively 29 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,620 and you're just really bothered by it, 30 00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:13,220 these come in form of intrusive thoughts. 31 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:16,380 So then you have the responsibility to yourself 32 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:19,860 and quite frankly, to your boss and to the office as a whole 33 00:01:19,860 --> 00:01:23,620 to approach your boss who's being a bully. 34 00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:25,540 And when you're practicing healthy boundaries, 35 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:27,900 you know that however he, let's say he, 36 00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:29,740 could be he or she, but let's just say he, 37 00:01:29,740 --> 00:01:33,620 however he responds, it might make you uncomfortable, 38 00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:34,780 but it does not belong to you. 39 00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:36,940 It is not your job to manage his emotions. 40 00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:39,860 It's not your job to make sure that he doesn't get upset. 41 00:01:39,860 --> 00:01:42,420 Those are his feelings on the other side of the fence. 42 00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,580 So when you acknowledge these things, 43 00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:47,220 it gives you the ability to diplomatically 44 00:01:47,220 --> 00:01:50,940 and respectfully approach your boss and say, 45 00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:53,100 can we please have a brief conversation? 46 00:01:53,100 --> 00:01:55,300 There was, we had a discussion the other day 47 00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:56,860 that really bothered me. 48 00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:59,500 I would just like to share with you my thoughts on it. 49 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,540 And so when you're going into that scenario, 50 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:02,660 when you know number one, 51 00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:05,500 you have a right to your thoughts and feelings. 52 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:06,780 If you can't let them go, 53 00:02:06,780 --> 00:02:09,500 then you have a responsibility to communicate them 54 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:12,740 in a respectful way because your behavior belongs to you. 55 00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:15,860 And also when, like I said, 56 00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:19,780 we are not owning how the boss is gonna respond. 57 00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:20,780 And so if he responds, 58 00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:23,620 if he starts yelling and screaming and carrying on, 59 00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:27,220 we can simply watch him as if you would watch a neighbor 60 00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:29,780 in their yard on the other side of the fence 61 00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:31,020 and you just watch them. 62 00:02:32,260 --> 00:02:35,140 Okay, those aren't your feelings. 63 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:36,540 You're not responsible for those. 64 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:37,580 You didn't cause those. 65 00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:38,500 You can't control them. 66 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,700 You can't cure them. 67 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:41,420 They don't belong to you. 68 00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:44,060 Technically his feelings are in his brain, just saying. 69 00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,940 So when you do that, 70 00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:47,900 then you can have your conversation. 71 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,860 Then he knows how you feel. 72 00:02:50,740 --> 00:02:52,620 Then you can, and you repeat that 73 00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:53,660 and then you kind of go back 74 00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:55,660 because a lot of these problems in the workplace 75 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:59,060 happen repeatedly because we're too scared 76 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:01,860 to tell the person how we feel. 77 00:03:01,860 --> 00:03:04,140 We're terrified they're gonna come screaming at us. 78 00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:05,740 They're gonna yell at us, call us names, 79 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:07,260 cuss and carry on. 80 00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:08,380 We're so scared of that 81 00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:10,820 that we just keep it all to ourselves. 82 00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:12,940 They can't read our mind. 83 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,980 They don't know how we feel. 84 00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:17,300 So it's our responsibility to communicate it 85 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,620 if we can't let that go. 86 00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:22,260 Yeah, that is very powerful, Dana. 87 00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:25,900 What would you say in this scenario 88 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:28,700 if someone is afraid maybe for, 89 00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:30,660 they might get fired or they might, 90 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:35,620 and they don't know if they wanna feed all those things 91 00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:37,860 if they don't wanna confront someone about it, 92 00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:40,020 how would they get out of that situation? 93 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:44,980 Well, and I like that you use the word confront 94 00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:49,020 because a lot of people assume that setting boundaries 95 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,300 and practicing healthy boundaries 96 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,900 involves being confrontational 97 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,340 and it absolutely does not. 98 00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:59,580 As a matter of fact, the most peaceful, calm people I know 99 00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,820 are the ones that are very clear 100 00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:04,380 about what belongs to them and what does not. 101 00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:06,380 So when we understand that, 102 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,740 we can approach someone very calmly 103 00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:11,220 and you'd be surprised or maybe not 104 00:04:11,220 --> 00:04:15,020 how often when we approach someone very peacefully 105 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:18,220 and very calmly, we keep our tone down, 106 00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:20,460 we slow down the volume 107 00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:24,300 and we slow down the tempo of our speech. 108 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:27,620 The other person, their body calms down as well. 109 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:30,140 Like as I'm talking to you right now, 110 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:32,380 I'm bringing my volume down, 111 00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:35,500 I'm slowing the tempo of my speech down. 112 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:38,380 Do you feel the change in your body 113 00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:40,780 as I'm changing how I talk? 114 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,540 When we approach people like that, 115 00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:46,980 it's very difficult for them to come back 116 00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:49,540 in a very angry defensive stance 117 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:54,020 because your voice modulation has impacted their body 118 00:04:54,020 --> 00:05:13,020 to relax it down.