1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,080 Let's go into detail about the five components of love. 2 00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:05,080 What exactly are the five components? 3 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,720 A quick brief overview. 4 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:07,440 Absolutely. 5 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,800 The first one is grief. 6 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,600 And that's a strange place to start. 7 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,800 People very often react to that one about you're 8 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,000 talking about love and you start with grief. 9 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:23,440 Yes, because you talk to someone who has put up emotional walls, 10 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,920 keeps people at arm's length, fails to connect with even 11 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,560 people who love them. 12 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,520 These are people that have been hurt. 13 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,720 These people will tell you a story of heartbreak. 14 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,920 And when we go through these tough times in life, 15 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,680 when we go through divorce, when we go through a terrible breakup, 16 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,960 when someone close to us dies and where our heart is broken, 17 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,360 we have a tendency to want to avoid that pain. 18 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:49,400 And so we put up emotional walls that keep people out of our life. 19 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:53,160 We distance ourselves even from the people we love most 20 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,240 and end up damaging and even separating ourselves 21 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:59,080 from the relationships that we could have. 22 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,320 We're not going to get through life without scars. 23 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,440 Life is going to be painful sometimes. 24 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:08,640 But what I try to, the message that I want people to hear is that, yes, 25 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:13,520 there is pain in life that is so heartbreaking it can leave a hole 26 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:14,720 in your heart. 27 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,360 But you can live a really good life with a hole in your heart. 28 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,120 And that's what I want people to see. 29 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,360 That you're not going to escape pain, but we 30 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,760 can learn to make those connections, those emotional 31 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,480 connections, those connections of love, despite the hole in our heart. 32 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:35,480 We can live that good life anyway if we learn how to grieve those hurts of life. 33 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,200 So the first component, the foundational component 34 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,040 that keeps us engaged in love is grief. 35 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:42,760 The second one is emotion. 36 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,520 This is the bubble gum and butterflies. 37 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,760 This is the connections that we all think about, the sweet and beautiful, 38 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:52,560 those wonderful connections that we make that are the connections of the heart. 39 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,760 And for some people, that comes really easy. 40 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,320 Other people are not as emotional. 41 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,600 They don't know how to express their emotions as much. 42 00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,720 That's OK. 43 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:00,920 It's a practice. 44 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,920 We practice the components of love. 45 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:08,840 And so even if love, maybe if you came out of an abusive background, 46 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,720 the word love may have bad connotations to you. 47 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,680 Say things like, I appreciate you. 48 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:17,320 Find ways of expressing emotion. 49 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:20,120 The third one is practicality. 50 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,560 I always say that emotion brings us together. 51 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,040 Practicality keeps us together. 52 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,800 The practical side of love is learning how to deal with finances 53 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:33,240 in your relationship, in your family, in your marriage. 54 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,360 Dealing with communication skills. 55 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:36,400 And it is a skill. 56 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,400 We can learn how to communicate. 57 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,600 Dealing with mental health issues. 58 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,280 Mental health is key to a relationship. 59 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,640 And it condemns so many relationships that could be salvaged 60 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,600 and could be thriving if we got help with our mental health. 61 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,680 And that's a practical matter, just like getting help 62 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,760 with our physical health if we have an ailment. 63 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,960 Mental health is treatable as well. 64 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,040 And so if we take care of our practical issues, 65 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:07,680 our practical matters of life, we thrive in our relationships 66 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,680 because we can stay connected. 67 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,560 We sometimes hear people say, I love them. 68 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,760 I just can't live with them. 69 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:18,840 And that's when we know that the practical side of love has failed. 70 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,600 The emotional side is still there. 71 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,920 But practicality has fallen. 72 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,080 The fourth is acceptance. 73 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,720 And of course, we have to accept people as they are. 74 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,120 People are not going to be perfect. 75 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,680 But that's a small part of it. 76 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,320 What we're really talking about in acceptance 77 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,720 is learning to love and accept ourselves. 78 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,040 Brene Brown has done some tremendous research on this. 79 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:45,680 Many people don't realize you cannot love other people more 80 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,120 than you love yourself. 81 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:47,960 That's the limit. 82 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,720 That's as far as you can go. 83 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:55,240 You have to love yourself because love is not a commodity like money. 84 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,840 If you need more money, you can get a second job. 85 00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:58,880 You can take out a loan. 86 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,240 You could steal money. 87 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,680 I don't recommend that last one. 88 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,320 But you can get money in a lot of ways to give it away. 89 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,280 But love is organic. 90 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,800 It has to be grown. 91 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,600 And it has to be grown within us. 92 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,440 And so the only way you can love other people more 93 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,800 is to love yourself more. 94 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:19,320 And finally, the fifth component is passion. 95 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,600 When we say passion, we often think about intimacy 96 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:22,760 and romantic relationships. 97 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:23,720 That's part of it. 98 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,880 But it's not the whole story. 99 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,800 We're talking about a passion for life, being 100 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,800 able to enjoy the life you have. 101 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,240 That's the wind in your sails. 102 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:32,480 That's the fuel in your engine. 103 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,680 It gets you going in the morning to see what life's going to bring. 104 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:41,200 And the way to have passion in life is fun, to keep life fun. 105 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,760 Now, of course, life is serious. 106 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,600 That's why practicality is the third component of love. 107 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,080 And yes, there is tragedy. 108 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,760 That's why grief is the first component of love. 109 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,600 But despite those things, learn to have fun. 110 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,120 Keep fun as part of your life. 111 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,360 That keeps passion in your relationships. 112 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,800 It keeps passion in every area of your life, what you do for a living, 113 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,320 your connections and family, your connections and community. 114 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,200 Go to the job. 115 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,800 Have fun with your coworkers as much as you can in life. 116 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,280 When we do those five things, when we know how to grieve, 117 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,160 we know how to connect emotionally, we know 118 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,880 how to live life in a practical matter, to make life 119 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,440 livable with each other. 120 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:22,800 We love ourselves first, and we keep life fun and keep the passion in life. 121 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,840 You can build healthy relationships, even if you've never 122 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:47,200 known how to have one before.