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Hey beautiful, welcome to my podcast, Queerly Having Issues.

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I believe we all have our issues because we all have a story.

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My name is Jafeth and it's time to tell you about mine.

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First of all, thank you all so much for the lovely responses that I've got on my first

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episode and I'm very thankful that a lot of you have shared the episode on your social

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media.

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As you know, sharing is caring and that is the best way for my podcast to reach the right

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audience.

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So just know that I really appreciate it.

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So welcome to the second episode.

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In this episode, I want to elaborate a bit more on my own personal journey in which the

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theory of religious trauma as an individual experience will become clearer.

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If you missed the first episode called religious trauma in a nutshell, it would be a good idea

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to listen to that one first in order to make sense of my story.

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I will leave a link in the description.

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I want to start off with something that I once wrote in my journal.

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I said, I have no idea why, but one thing I know for sure.

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It feels like my life is on hold.

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And that was really what I was feeling in that moment that, you know, my life was on

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hold and that nothing was really happening.

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Of course, now I know better as I got to learn more about the impact that growing up gay

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in a heteronormative society and a non-affirmative environment has had on my mental health.

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However, in the past, I've been looking everywhere for answers.

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And more importantly, I've been looking everywhere in order to find myself.

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As I just left religion, I felt this deep need to be safe and lovable and to feel good

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enough.

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And I was doing everything in my power to get to that place where I could experience

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this feeling, this inner peace that I was so desperately longing for.

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As I explained in the previous episode, it's very hard for people like me who leave toxic

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religious environments and who want to free themselves from the indoctrination to feel

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safe because once you leave, you feel like you are not safe and you are not a good person.

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And that is the impression that the people around you give you as well.

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However, the more I was searching, the more confusing it all seemed to become.

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I was wondering if maybe I was too easily influenced by other opinions.

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Like I started doubting myself.

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And even though obviously now I know that had been the effect of growing up with this

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idea that we owned the truth with a capital T. And once I started having feelings for the

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same sex, suddenly that wasn't so obvious anymore.

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It maybe felt like I didn't have my own opinion.

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And I was secretly still looking for that feeling that would affirm this is the truth

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with a capital T. And sometimes it feels like as long as I'm not going to find that, which

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obviously I won't because I now believe that it doesn't exist.

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I'm not going to experience that inner peace anymore, which maybe is a weird thing.

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But of course I will have periods where I will feel calm and content and relaxed.

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And at other times I might feel a little bit more anxious about the future or, you know,

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it's just maybe the process of surrendering to the unknown, which I now feel like that's

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a very important thing for human beings to experience.

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I believe that the truth is something that we create ourselves.

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And I believe that our egos like to have a kind of certainty.

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And as soon as we let go or are pressure to let go, all hell breaks loose basically.

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So for me, I felt like I was there in hell alone.

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And as a result of that, I desperately started looking for answers because I was hoping that

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there would be some truth out there for me as well.

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If God really existed and he was so creative and omnipotent and majestic, then I was just

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hoping that he would still have a place in his heart for me.

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So everything I built up my life to be until that moment where I left and started deconstructing

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suddenly fell down beneath me.

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Also it's important to explain that when I told my family that I was struggling with

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my same sex attraction and in this period I was still a Christian and I still thought

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that God would heal me and that I would, you know, that it would be a phase and every year

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when it was my birthday, I was like, okay, maybe next year I will wake up on my birthday

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and I will be straight.

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So when I told my family this struggle, some of them started crying.

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And of course I understand that it came from a good place.

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I mean, they loved me and for them it also felt like, you know, this was a big struggle

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and probably they cried because they loved me and they didn't want to see me hurt.

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But at the same time, unconsciously, it gave me the feeling that something was wrong and

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that I needed healing.

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But at that time, I of course experienced it differently because I was also very much

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still into the theory about how people become gay.

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And so on a certain moment, I started feeling this inner conviction that, okay, I feel like

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if God exists, then he created me this way and he wants me to be my gay self.

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In this process of slowly starting to accept myself, I remember that family members would

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suddenly want to talk to me to ask me questions about the how and why, asking me if I still

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had these feelings.

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And I remember even once I was asked that if Jesus would come visit me and offer me

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healing if I would take it.

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And these conversations would mostly take place in the situation where it was me against

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two other people who were on the other side of the spectrum who basically didn't agree

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with what I was doing or didn't agree with my newfound ideas and my newfound identity.

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Now when I look back at that, I feel like I put myself into situations that I shouldn't

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have put myself in in the first place, but then you do it out of love and out of like

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it's family and you're not that aware yet of how this will affect you in the future.

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And as long as I tried to be strong and confident about his love for me, regardless of my sexuality,

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even though inside there was a boy just desperately wanting to be loved, but in return got a feeling

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of not being enough.

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And subconsciously I started feeling like there was something wrong with me.

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In my journal, I continued and I wrote down the following.

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It amazes me actually how they were so concerned about me.

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Maybe it was nice to project their own fears onto someone else, or this project kept them

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busy so they didn't have to face their own problems.

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You know, I've always felt loved within my family even though subconsciously it made

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me feel like I wasn't enough.

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And I think I was like 11 when I sort of felt depressed and a little suicidal because I

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felt like an outsider in the family.

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But then I couldn't really, you know, I was too young to understand why, which now, you

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know, when I look back, I realized that I already felt different.

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And of course I'm well aware that the motivation for them was that they loved me and they would

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rather not lose me and see me burn in hell and have a life without God.

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And I also see now how their environment has shaped them and has created their perspective

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and their point of view and the place from which they think and speak.

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I however went to investigate these beliefs that I had been spoonfed and soon came across

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many cracks.

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But yes, it did bother me that the people who said that they loved me didn't put in

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any effort to research the topic like I did to discover their own opinion on it instead

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of only reading books or listening to those who were going to affirm what they already

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had been taught in the first place.

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And I know this takes time, but for me, I always felt like I don't mind if you do not

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agree with how I live my life, as long as your opinion is formed because of genuine

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research and not because some pastor told you so.

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But at the same time, I now know, especially with my experience, but also the research

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that I have done when it comes to evangelical Christians, that for a lot of them, it isn't

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really an option to think for yourself.

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Plus the ingrained idea that maybe they would lose their faith if they would, you know,

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like I did.

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I guess in their eyes, I was losing my faith and my foundation on which I had built my

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life, but for me, it felt like the complete opposite, like my foundation was gone and I was

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there alone.

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But then again, who decides when someone loses his or her or their faith?

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I mean, obviously that's another construct made by the same people who like to keep us

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in their power.

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I remember that I once sent a movie to my family and it's called 'Prayers for Bobby'.

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And it's about this evangelical family.

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This boy is growing up in this family.

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He has to deal with all the indoctrination.

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And if you haven't seen the movie, spoiler alert, but Bobby, he commits suicide.

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That is the moment that his family starts doing research and starts looking for answers.

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And then the mother of Bobby becomes this very LGBT+ activist, which of course is

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great, but also it's too late because Bobby is already gone.

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So I always felt like, okay, so is that what it takes for people to really start thinking

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about the impact that it has on a family member or a friend?

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I think it's really important to do your own research.

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It wouldn't be fair for me to not address what happened in my family that on a sudden

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moment two family members, they asked for forgiveness.

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Of course, this was many years later, which was very emotional and I'm very grateful for

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these moments.

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As I know that many of us are longing for that moment of acceptance and forgiveness.

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Sadly, I know that for some of us, that moment might never come and we have to find a way

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to have peace with that.

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However, the damage was done.

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The wound was already there.

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I mean, in the years between the hurtful conversations and the moment where they asked for forgiveness

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they were moving on with their lives while I was there hurt.

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While I was doubting myself, holding the pieces together, finding ways to cope, ways to survive

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and find acceptance and belonging and love.

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And I guess that's why it felt like my life was on hold.

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Like I missed out on years in which I could have chased after my dreams, developed myself

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in other areas of my life, but instead I had to try to come to terms with who I am as a

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person.

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Adam Cohen, who is a psychotherapist, he speaks about a so-called second adolescence as a

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developmental life stage that we queer people might need to grow through in adulthood after

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navigating our first adolescence in an anti LGBTQ world.

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And as a result of that, a lot of us can feel underdeveloped.

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We can feel so behind, so uncomfortable still in who we are.

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And it's like we need to have a second adolescence when we grow up in a world that doesn't allow

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us to fully and safely have our first.

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And this period can often be messy, terrifying, exhilarating, but ultimately it can be a healing

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chapter in our own post coming out lives.

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Cohen proposes that for many of us, this second adolescence at its core is about gifting our

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younger selves the experiences that we missed out on and to heal the wounds that we have

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and that we may still be holding within us.

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Even now, often when I'm dreaming, I'm being confronted with dreams about my family and

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hurtful conversations, or, you know, I just dream that we are having arguments or fights

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and or that I end up crying.

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You know, you have this book, 'The Body Keeps The Score'.

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So I guess, you know, the body stores all these memories and all these things.

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But even though we haven't had such conversation for years, it still can come back sometimes

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in my dreams, which is really crazy.

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But that is the reality.

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You can imagine the effect that it has had on me as a person.

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If even after all these years, even that now we are on good terms, I feel loved and respected

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by them.

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Still, it haunts me in my dreams, basically.

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I think as a family, we've grown immensely.

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Like I'm just happy that if I have a boyfriend, he is welcome.

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You know, that people would ask me how my boyfriend is doing.

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I'm just happy that I created that space for myself.

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While at the same time, I feel like we don't really talk about this at all.

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Vulnerability is very important within relationships.

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And I think that because we have such different points of view on life and that we might not

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or at least I might not show my vulnerable self because of course I've been hurt in the

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past.

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So it's also sort of a self protection.

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But also knowing that we have such different ideas that it's just good to sort of keep

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the peace.

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I think with your family you don't necessarily have to have this very deep bond.

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So yeah, I think that once that isn't there, the relationship will be a bit shallow, even

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though we love and respect each other.

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And I think that's a very good place to be.

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I saw this post on Instagram by Todd Baratz, who is called yourdiagnonsense on Instagram.

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I really love his stuff.

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So go check it out.

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The other day he said, as adults, we don't need our family's approval.

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The harder we try to force it, the further away we get from ourselves.

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This is the loss.

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Work through it.

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And give yourself the approval and validation you need.

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Do so by developing deep relationships with like-minded people and communities.

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Life begins in childhood, but happens in adulthood.

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And I thought that was very pretty.

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I could very much relate to it.

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And I think, you know, a lot of us queer people can relate to that and even non-queer, but

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I think often the chance are higher being queer that you have to deal with rejection

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from the family.

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Regardless of everything I read and heard and regardless of how it convinced me more

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and more to go my own way, to really put that into practice, that took me a long fucking

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time, honestly, for me to really believe in my own convictions.

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And which is probably the reason why it has felt like my life was on hold for quite some

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time while actually I was healing and growing and learning with ups and downs.

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And even today I find it difficult at times and it makes me feel anxious often, which

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is the impact of religious trauma and just the effect of growing up in a non-affirmative

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environment.

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Like I said in the previous episode, it feels like my body continues to say in this fight-flight

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mode, even though there's no reason for me to feel unsafe.

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So I remind myself, I don't have to fight anymore.

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It's okay.

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And that is what I tell myself.

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Breathe in.

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Breathe out.

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Thank you so much for listening to this episode.

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I hope that in some way you could be able to relate or learn something from it.

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Please do share it if you feel like this episode could benefit someone you know.

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If you have any questions, you can always send me a DM on Instagram at QueerlyHavingIssues

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and don't forget to click the follow button so you'll be notified when the next episode

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is online.

226
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Take care.