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Hey beautiful, welcome to my podcast, Queerly Having Issues.

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I believe we all have our issues because we all have a story.

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My name is Jafeth and it's time to tell you about mine.

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Welcome back to another episode everyone.

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Today I'm diving into the issues of my dating life and a little bit of homonationalism and

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trust me there's a lot to unpack here.

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But before we get into it, I have a quick favor to ask.

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If you enjoy listening to my episodes, please take a moment to rate this podcast five stars

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in your app.

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It is a small action on your part, but it makes a big difference as by doing so you

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will help me reach more people who might benefit from it.

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So as I mentioned, today I'm going to talk about dating.

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As often I get the question, why am I still single?

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Or I think to myself, how come I'm still single at 35 and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying

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it's a bad thing to be single.

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It also definitely has its pluses.

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But at the same time, I would love to experience love and share my life with someone.

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So you know, I have moments where I'm totally fine with it.

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And then there's moments that I'm like, I really would love to be with someone that

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I can get to know and that I can share my life with.

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Growing up, I had this picture in my mind that by the time I would be 35, which I am

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now, I definitely be married living a monogamous life basically following the script that was

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laid out to me by the heteronormative society and Christian influences that I grew up in.

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So yeah, here I am 35.

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And let's say things haven't exactly gone according to that plan.

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Since my early 20s, I have started this journey of evolution and rediscovering myself and

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while doing so deconstructing beliefs or ideas that no longer serve me.

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I'm still on that path and probably always will be breaking away these layers day by

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day.

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In this episode, I'll be sharing my experiences and ideas from my own specific viewpoint.

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That is a white gay man living in the city of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, and hopefully

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by doing so, we'll be able to find some common ground.

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Let me just start off by saying that Amsterdam is often thought of as a queer capital and

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as I've mentioned in my previous episode, criminalization is on the rise and the line

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of acceptance seems to be stagnant in the last few years.

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When I mention criminalization, you can think of attacks against queer people, whether it's

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an actual crime or whether it's harassment, which could be verbal or physical, and these

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attacks have grown over the last few years.

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And next to that, there has been some recent political developments here as well.

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Our political landscape has taken a strong turn with the rise to power of a right-wing

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party that holds strong anti-Islam and anti-queer views.

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The party's leader has been vocal in his criticism, targeting what he describes as gender insanity

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in schools, and he's been expressing negative views on transgender individuals in particular.

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And I'm not going to repeat what he said exactly, as this way of speaking not only separates

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people but also hurts our society, and I think especially those who belong to multiple marginalized

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groups.

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Beside that, this party has also refused to endorse the Rainbow Agreement, which is a

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pledge for queer emancipation, and alongside of that, their campaign was empty of any queer-positive

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proposals.

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In my opinion, this sends a chilling message about the direction of their intended policies,

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and I'm really curious to see how this will develop in the nearby future.

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What is also interesting is how the party leader uses queer rights to criticize Islam.

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In 2017, for example, he claimed that the freedom fought by for the gay community, such

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as the rights to kiss in public, marry and have children, go against Islamic beliefs

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completely.

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He's also been involved in events like Gays for Trump, in which they express similar views,

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and this strongly shows how our rights can be used as a political weapon.

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And that is what is called homonationalism.

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This is a term that's been used when nationalist beliefs align with queer support in order

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to promote racist, xenophobic and discriminatory agendas.

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Homonationalism usually relies on unfair assumptions, often painting immigrant communities as naturally

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homophobic, and this spreads a misconception that our so-called progressive Western values

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are in conflict with those so-called regressive, non-Western cultures.

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In my opinion, this is deeply concerning, particularly in the context of the Netherlands.

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This really shows how the real fight for equality and acceptance can be used to make other vulnerable

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groups like Muslims and queer people of color, for example, feel even more excluded.

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As a gay white man, I do recognize my position of relative privilege within this conversation,

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and my heart goes out to those who, on top of navigating the challenges associated with

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their sexual orientation or gender identity, must now also confront racism and Islamophobia.

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During these times, it's crucial that we stay watchful and support each other, and I think

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it's important that we do not let anyone use our rights to create divisions among us.

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And I think instead, it's important to stand united and to promote a society that respects

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and values all aspects of who we are.

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I've already seen a few comments of white gay men underneath posts about the political

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situation that's happening in the Netherlands and how quite a few of these men suggest that

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this party's leader is gay-friendly and he's standing up for our rights.

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And I think that already shows how this is creating a division among us as the queer

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community.

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In my use of this podcast, one thing I hope to continually highlight is that we are a

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very diverse community.

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We are a diverse group of individuals, each with our own unique sexual orientations, gender

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identities, ethnic backgrounds, and cultural experiences.

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And it's crucial that we acknowledge and respect this diversity and understanding that while

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our experiences may be different, they are all valid and important.

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As I mentioned in my very first episode, it's important to remember that 62 countries still

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criminalize homosexuality, and I think by now it's even 64-65.

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This is a strong reminder that many within our community are forced to navigate oppressive

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systems and living in environments where simply being themselves is punishable.

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And then on the other side, there are those among us within our community who enjoy the

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privilege of living in societies where our identities are not just tolerated, but mostly

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accepted and, best case scenario, even celebrated.

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And within this society, if I look at my position here in the Netherlands, we have the freedom

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to read and talk about books like The Velvet Rage or The Ethical Slut.

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And these are the kind of books that speak directly to our experiences and challenges.

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This morning I stumbled upon a post on a gay meme account on Instagram that asked, why

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are the majority of us gay single?

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Serious question.

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It was funny because it felt like the universe was aligning considering I was preparing to

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record this very episode.

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So I got inspired by that post because there were a lot of comments and there were a few

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in particular that struck a chord with me.

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I use these comments sort of to talk about the issues of my dating life and the things

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that I feel might be the reason why many of us are single these days.

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And again, I'm not saying that being single is necessarily a bad thing.

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So the first comment I want to talk about was how monogamous relationships and marriage

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are seen as social constructs that serve no real purpose for us.

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I recently read an article on how the media often portrays these ideal queer couples as

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monogamous, well-off and white.

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And this article talked about how there seems to be a preference for queer individuals to

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conform to the traditional idea of marriage and to sort of be similar to heterosexual

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relationships.

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And this viewpoint opens a conversation about societal expectations and the different responses

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within our community.

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I've spoken to people that are more radical or politically active and often they seem

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to challenge the idea of mirroring straight relationships.

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They often say things like wanting to conform to traditional norms is limiting to our creativity

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and it keeps gender inequalities alive.

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But then there's also those of us who want acceptance by following societal norms.

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And yet, I don't think we can overlook the tangible benefits that come with marriage

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equality.

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There's legal recognitions and protections that are crucial and I think it's important

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to advocate for the option to marry to ensure that everyone has the right to choose.

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When it comes to myself, the idea of getting married has never really been a driving force.

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The idea was there, as it is for many I think, because these ideas are shaped by societal

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expectations since childhood.

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But personally, I've never felt a strong pull towards it.

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Though I do maintain a never-say-never attitude because you never know if I meet someone who

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really really really wants to get married, I think I might be able to compromise.

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Then the second comment pointed to the paradox of our digital age.

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It mentioned how technology has brought us closer together, but at the same time it has

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also led to short-lived relationships that can leave us feeling more alone.

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This conflict seems to lie at the heart of modern dating.

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If I look around me and I listen to the stories that people tell me and if I look at my own

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experiences, I read an article about how the abundance of choice presented by dating apps

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creates this continual sense of the grass might be greener.

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And it spoke about how this idea of the grass might be greener is leading many of us to

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wonder if there's something better and we just keep on swiping.

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And I think there's even this term called doom swiping.

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Somebody mentioned it the other day and I was like, oh yeah, that makes sense.

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When you go to bed or when you wake up, you just don't want to think about anything.

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You just sort of use it as social media and you just sort of swipe away and just use that

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to just not think, to just distract yourself.

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I've been there as well.

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I'm trying to be more mindful of how I use Tinder at the moment.

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I will explain that to you in a bit.

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There's also research that suggests that dating apps are designed to keep us engaged and to

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keep us swiping and ironically keep us single.

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So the underlying business model thrives on our ongoing search for connections and it's

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making money from the fast nature of interactions rather than creating lasting relationships.

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And for me that makes total sense as the apps are often free.

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And that's the modern paradox.

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What we are dealing with these days that these platforms promise to bring us together, but

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basically are designed to keep us coming back for more.

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And for a while I thought like, okay, yeah, should I use these apps then or should I just

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not use them and just hope I'm going to meet someone in real life?

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But I think you, well, at least I cannot be blind to the role that apps like Tinder play

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in our lives today.

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And I think it's a tool and like any other tool, I think it's all about how we use them.

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So my approach is that I try to swipe with intention and on my profile I'm being clear

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about what I'm looking for.

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And then I will engage with those that I match with and I try to limit the amount of matches

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as well to give things a chance.

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If a conversation doesn't flow, I just take it as a sign to move on.

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I lean more towards the idea of real life encounters over digital ones.

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I think there's something about meeting someone in real life that apps cannot quite provide.

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And I've been in these situations where I've met people in real life.

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Once I met a guy at a coffee shop, you know, the ones where you actually drink coffee.

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He was waiting in line to order and I was already sitting with my coffee.

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And then we locked eyes like two or three times so then I asked him like, hey, how are

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you?

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I said, if you want, you can sit next to me.

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So then he came and sit next to me and then we just chatted.

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It was a nice conversation and you know, flirting a little bit and then we exchanged numbers

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and then we separated our ways.

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And I was like, oh, this exciting, this sounds like it might be a nice beginning of a good

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story.

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But then on a certain moment I was like, maybe I should ask him if he's single.

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That would be a good start on my part.

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That's what I'm looking for at the moment.

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Someone who's also single.

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And then he said, no, I have a boyfriend, blah, blah, blah.

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And I was like, okay, interesting.

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And that happened to me another time when I was working in a store and during COVID customers

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had to leave their phone numbers.

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If there would be an outbreak, we would have to call them and tell them about it.

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So he wrote down his number and he walked around in the store and I just felt like,

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okay, something's going on here.

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A little bit of flirting.

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And then before he left, he said like, you have my number, so feel free to send me a

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message.

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And I was like, oh, this is cute.

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And I sent him a message.

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And on a certain moment, I asked him again this question, if he was single and then he

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was not.

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That was the end of that as well.

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I do believe in real life encounters, but until now they have been a little bit depressing,

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to be honest.

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But I try to keep the hope and I try to keep the options open.

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I might meet someone in real life.

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I might meet someone via the app.

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It's all fine by me.

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This idea of always looking for the next best thing.

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I feel like that is not exclusive to the queer community.

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It seems to be a widespread challenge.

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Even many of my straight friends, they mentioned similar frustrations and many, many people

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seem to be single these days or seem to struggle to find someone.

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And besides that, I also think that another thing that influences our modern dating scene

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is that our modern society places a strong emphasis on individualism.

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We're celebrating personal achievement, autonomy and self fulfillment.

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And even though these values aren't necessarily always a bad thing, I think they empower us

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to pursue our personal goals and happiness.

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But I think they can also lead to this mindset where compromising in a relationship might

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be seen as sacrificing one's own needs or desires.

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And I think in a culture like that, it might be hard to find a balance between personal

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fulfillment and the mutual compromise that is necessary for a healthy relationship.

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I can also relate to that as I've been single for quite a long time.

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And I think that because of that, it strengthens this individual feeling.

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Sometimes I'm worried that it might make it even harder to compromise.

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And then my brother sent me this quote the other day and it said, I've been single long

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enough to be scared that someone is going to come along and mess up what I have with

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myself.

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And I sort of felt that.

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So after I released my previous episode about the Power of Chosen family, I had a nice chat

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with my classmate, his name is Eric and he's from Hong Kong.

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I told him that I wanted to do an episode on the issues of my dating life.

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And we sort of spoke about the struggles that we might experience in finding connection

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and love in our community.

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Then he also mentioned how our sense of belonging might intervene with our dating lives, which

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is a theme I unpacked in my latest episode.

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There I explored the concept of chosen family and how they play an important role in fostering

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a sense of belonging and I was drawing from Brene Brown's wisdom and I mentioned that

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according to her, true belonging doesn't ask us to change who we are, rather it invites

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us to be our most authentic selves.

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So we spoke about the added difficulties many of us encounter and not only in finding love,

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but also in dealing with the obstacles from society and our personal identities.

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And especially for those of us who have faced rejection from family or society due to our

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sexual orientation or gender identity, the scars might run deep and these experiences

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might distort our sense of belonging, which in return might intervene with our dating

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lives.

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And I think recognizing these challenges are a part of modern relationships as well.

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It also includes understanding that not everyone is skilled at managing the responsibilities

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and compromises that come with adult life, especially when you're dealing with past trauma

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and difficulties.

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I also had this dating experience that I was with someone who, you know, it didn't work

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out and I genuinely felt sad for him that he wasn't able to speak about his feelings.

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And I'm not saying that I was the better person in this story, I could just relate to it,

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I just felt empathy for him and his situation and I understood.

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Luckily there seems to be a silver lining in how our society is evolving.

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Today there's a growing openness around discussing our emotional well-being and mental health

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and for more of us, myself included, we have embraced therapy as a tool to work through

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these difficult experiences and nurture personal growth.

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For me that's about unpacking these years of pain and find a space where we can be vulnerable

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again to let someone in without fear and I think that's a very good and important basis

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to have before we get involved with someone romantically.

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And I'm far from perfect, but I do believe that when someone openly acknowledges that

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they are going to therapy, that's a sign of strength and for me it signifies a commitment

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to self-improvement and the courage to confront and heal from our past.

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So when someone talks to me about their experiences with therapy, that definitely for me is a

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green flag, but it's also not just a personal step forward, I think it's also an invitation

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for others to see vulnerability and self-care as a good thing.

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That's why in my opinion therapy can be helpful, it shows a commitment to growing personally

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and being emotionally strong and it's not about being perfect but about aiming for a

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healthier more confident self and therapy can lead to better connections and makes us

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worry less about what other people think and I guess that might help us build deeper intimacy

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and relationships.

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So if you're on this journey of healing and self-discovery, I think that's a very brave

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thing to do and I think any form of seeking support shows a desire to grow and heal and

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that is very brave and beautiful.

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And then there was another insightful comment under that Instagram post that said, we like

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people who don't like us back.

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And I was like damn, that really reminds me of something that I've explored during my

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own therapy sessions.

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During one of these sessions I've delved into the difficulty of falling in love and the

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repetitive pattern of being drawn to individuals who don't treat me well and you know, I was

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like why can I not fall in love with people who are really sweet and care about me and

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then when I do fall in love often it's people who don't necessarily respond to my love,

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if that makes sense.

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And then my therapist, he said that this inclination might be rooted in childhood experiences where

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safety and love were not consistently provided by my caregivers and this insight resonated

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with me deeply.

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This concept of wanting those who do not want us back can be viewed through the lens of

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attachment theory which is a framework that suggests that our early interactions, especially

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with our caregivers, create internal working models influencing our adult relationships.

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For example, if as a child your caregivers didn't consistently provide a sense of safety

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and belonging, you might unconsciously seek relationships that mirror those early dynamics.

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So my experience of struggling to fall in love or being drawn to those who don't answer

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my love, according to this theory, aligns with potential anxious or avoidant attachment

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styles.

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So, basically, my early experiences shaped my expectations and behaviors in romantic

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relationships.

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And, for me, recognizing these patterns has been a vital step towards breaking the cycle

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and understanding these dynamics helped me to develop more self-awareness, it helped

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me to understand my needs, and also because of that I can more consciously now choose

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relationships that align with my values and in my case that would be relationships that

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provide the emotional support I deserve and I think because I'm more aware of that it's

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also easier now for me to recognize when I'm in a situation where that is not the case

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so I can just effectively communicate that and get out of that situation.

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So it's been a transformative process and it has been really helpful for me to be grounded

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in my present needs rather than the past experiences.

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I've mentioned this before but there's this guy on Instagram at YourDiagnonsense who shares

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a lot of helpful relationship dating sex insights that I really appreciate so maybe you do as

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well.

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Check it out.

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And then there was another person who said that the reason why we're single is because

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we're not always kind to one another.

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And to add a deeper layer to this conversation, the book that I mentioned in the beginning

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called The Velvet Rage by Allan Downs explores the psychological impact of societal norms

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and pressures on gay men and it's particularly focusing on issues related to shame, internalized

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homophobia, and the pursuit of an authentic self.

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And Downs argues that many gay men experience a sense of shame as a result of growing up

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in a society that stigmatizes homosexuality and one aspect of the shame and internalized

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homophobia is the tendency for gay men to repeat negative behaviors towards each other

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and this can manifest in various ways including competition or judgment within the gay community

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itself rather than fostering a sense of solidarity and support.

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Some gay men may engage in behaviors that perpetuate the cycle of shame and isolation

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among their peers.

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Back in the days when I would go out more, I could also really feel that.

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Of course, that's just a part of the gay community that's, you know, you're just out and about

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and yeah, it wasn't really this friendly vibe that you might expect, especially the stories

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that I've heard from immigrants or refugees who come to the Netherlands because they're

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looking for a community.

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It seems to be really hard for those people to find good and healthy friendships or have

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this beautiful experience of a community that they were so desperately looking for.

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So I think that's very sad to hear.

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It's been a few years that I've read this book and I remember that a friend of mine,

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she read an interview in which this book was mentioned and then she just ordered two copies

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and one for both of us and that was really sweet.

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This book essentially serves as a guide to overcome the pain of growing up gay in a world

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that often deems our identities as unacceptable.

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And while I found certain aspects of the book to be really, really American at times, you

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know, it was a bit over the top, but the core idea is resonated with me.

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So this book is basically structured around three stages of emotional development that

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gay men often experience and the first one is the feeling of being overwhelmed by shame.

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And I think he speaks about the time where he was still in the closet and dealing with

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this shame that he felt about who he was as a person.

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I think it's something that many of us know all too well, that we are still like hiding

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our true selves.

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We are fearing intimacy and sometimes even avoid dating altogether to not have to experience

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this pain of rejection.

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And this stage can be tough.

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It has a lot to do with internalized homophobia and a battle for self acceptance that, you

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know, can deeply affect how we connect with potential partners.

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And then there's the phase of compensating for shame.

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That is where, according to him, we find ourselves striving for perfection, obsessing over our

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looks, our social standing or our achievements, all in the hope of finding love and acceptance.

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And I think nowadays with social media, that's even more present, but it also feels like

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that is not necessarily something that only is about gay men.

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I think many people in this day and age are concerned with our looks and our social standing

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and achievements.

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But I think what he means is that often we end up in relationships that are more about

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maintaining this image than about genuine connection.

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And that might create a cycle that can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.

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And then according to him, there is light at the end of the tunnel as we move towards

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the authentic self.

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And this is where the magic happens, guys.

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It's about letting go of the constant need for approval and starting to embrace our true

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selves.

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Vulnerability, fears, flaws and all.

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And as we reach this stage, dating can take on new forms.

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It can become more about seeking partners who love us for who we are and not for the

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masks that we wear.

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And that, I think, is where healthy, lasting relationships are born.

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But it's not this like smooth journey.

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Personally, I feel there's always these obstacles that we have to navigate.

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There can be discussions around monogamy or open relationships.

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There's the impact of dating apps and social media.

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And I think these challenges can test our honesty and self-awareness and above all,

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our ability to communicate effectively.

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Overcoming these obstacles, it starts with personal growth and self-acceptance and developing

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our emotional intelligence, hopefully finding strength in our community.

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And sometimes we might even seek professional guidance.

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But I do think that cultivating this sense of self-worth that isn't tied to someone

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else's approval is key to building fulfilling relationships.

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So the question of why I'm single or why many of us in the queer community might be is definitely

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not something that can be answered simply.

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In this episode, I tried to share with you some of my own experiences and some things

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that I think might be helpful.

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And I know we're all very different when it comes to this.

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So I hope there's at least something that has given you some food for thought.

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Even though sometimes it might be a little bit depressing to be out there dating as it

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comes with obstacles.

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I do think if I look at my own experiences, even though in the moment it hasn't always

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looked that way.

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But now when I look back on the things that I've been through, I feel that these experiences

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have definitely enriched my life.

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It has taught me about being resilient and the power of vulnerability and the beauty

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of finding someone who will appreciate us for who we truly are.

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And I think it's important to keep an open heart and keep being committed to your self-growth

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and remain optimistic about the future.

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I think it's important to mention this again.

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As I wrap up this episode, remember that we are a diverse community and we each have our

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unique experiences and I think it's important to acknowledge and respect this diversity.

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And hopefully we will be able to strengthen our bonds and build a community that's more

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inclusive, empathetic and resilient.

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Thank you so much for joining me today.

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Until next time, take care.