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Hi Nova.

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Hi Fox.

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How are you?

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Good.

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It's good to see you.

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Yeah, good to see you too.

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I'm excited.

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Why are you excited?

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Because this is our first of a new kind of episode.

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A brand new kind of episode?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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It's called, we're going to call it Crowdsourcing.

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Crowdsource episode time.

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Yeah, we want to hear from people other than us.

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Yeah, you've heard a lot from us.

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Yes.

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It's exciting.

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And now we want to know what other people are doing.

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Yeah.

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So, we're going to be doing a little bit of a live stream.

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Yeah.

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So, we're going to be doing a little bit of a live stream.

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Yeah.

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So, we're going to be doing a little bit of a live stream.

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Yeah.

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I can't wait to share it.

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One thing to note before we get started is that some people wrote in answers instead

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of recording them.

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So, you will hear my voice and Fox's voice throughout the episode and that's not necessarily

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our answer, though we're just reading other people's responses so that they can get mixed

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in there.

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Right, yeah.

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Not everyone was able to have access to a recording studio or equipment and...

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Or let us throw a microphone in their face.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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The question we asked all these wonderful people...

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Yes.

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...was, can someone make you feel something?

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So, let's hear what they said.

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Yeah.

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The question is, can someone make me feel?

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And I would say yes, given most every other movie that I have ever seen in my life and

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the tears that come pouring out of my face at any kind of emotionally compelling story.

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If it's something compassionate beyond all measure or just heartbreaking, then yes, I

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weep out of empathy for what that person is going through, what that character is going

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through.

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There are relatable details in storytelling, so yes, people can make me feel something.

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I think yes and no.

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So because of what I believe is that everything happens because of something or some things

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that happened before it.

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So by definition, I guess yes, someone can make you feel a way because the way you're

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feeling results from other things that have already happened.

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So if I do a thing and then you feel a way, the thing that I did contributed to your feelings.

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So in a sense, I did make you feel that way, but I think maybe the more important question

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is what do you do with that feeling?

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Like how do you respond?

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It almost doesn't matter whether people can make you feel a certain way or not.

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If you have mastery over how you react to your feelings, then people can't make you

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people can't derail your day or at least not as easily.

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Right.

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So I guess in a sense, it's kind of irrelevant whether people can make you feel a way if

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you can let it roll off your shoulders and move on about your day.

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If they made you feel a bad way or they didn't make you feel a bad way.

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You're feeling that bad way and you have to deal with it regardless of someone else made

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you feel that way.

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Can someone make you feel something?

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Physiologically speaking, yes.

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Our bodies are designed to respond to external stimuli in a variety of ways.

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If you were to pinch me, my nerve endings would convey a pain response to my brain.

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If you were to jump out from behind a door at me, my brain would release cortisol and

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my heart would beat faster as part of my fear response.

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With both physical and emotional responses, external stimuli can in fact make your body

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respond in certain ways.

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It's a survival adaptation and it comes down to a very basic set of mechanisms.

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Good feelings, such as happiness, contentment, safety, as well as good physical sensations,

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come from our desire to seek out pleasure.

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If someone makes you feel good, they must be good to be around.

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Bad feelings, fear, anger, distress, etc. and sensations come from our desire to avoid

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pain.

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Given the right stimuli, other people can make you feel whatever they want you to.

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However, no one can make you react to feeling things.

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Knee-jerk responses may be based purely on instinct and almost impossible to override,

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but what you do with that response is entirely your own decision.

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You pinch me, I feel pain, and then there are a number of things I could do after that.

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You have no say in whether I decide to pinch you back, or walk away, or ask you not to

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do that again.

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If you're able to move beyond the impulse and sit with your feelings and sensations,

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you can control how you respond to those stimuli, and that's more important and powerful than

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any initial experience someone can make you feel.

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No, I would say not.

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People can instigate or something can happen that is supposed to make me feel, but an individual

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can have different reactions to anything that can happen.

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It's... we all have emotions tied to specific things, and they don't always know what that

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tie might be.

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You get trolls on the internet trying to push an anger thing, but you don't know that you'll

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react.

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Or you get someone trying to be kind to you thinking, oh, if I do this thing that's nice,

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maybe they'll like me more, but really, it's completely up to you, not in a sort of sense

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that you have a choice of what that feeling is, but more sort of inside yourself how you

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feel about it.

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It's never a choice, but you don't always know what that feeling is going to be, basically.

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No, I don't believe that they can.

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I believe that they can definitely catalyze you to feel something, sort of like a chemical

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reaction.

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Like, it has that catalyst that changes the things, but I don't think that somebody can

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actually make you feel a thing.

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And I kind of feel that way because people react differently to different things constantly.

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So it's hard to say that you would get the same response to me.

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I feel like you would have to be able to repeat it over and over again and get the same response,

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and even the same thing twice may not elicit the same response.

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My take is yeah, I think they can, or at least they can play the largest and possibly an

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overwhelming factor in it.

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I think we have control over actions and behaviors, and I think through those we can influence

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our overall emotional state.

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But I think feelings are a largely reactive thing.

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Like, I don't think you can make yourself feel something or not feel something, at least

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not in the immediate moment.

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Your feelings are a response to your environment, and they're informed by your emotional state.

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So I think the best you can try to do is understand your feelings, process them, and over time

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alter your perceptions or approach.

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I think that can change the way you react to things and thus your feelings, but I still

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think of them as a reactive thing.

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Put another way, I think that's one of the reasons we like stories, movies, songs, books,

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etc.

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They can all be interesting in their own right, but for the ones you really like, it's because

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of an emotional response you had to it and how it made you feel.

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And the author or actors or whatnot, they're the ones that made you feel that way.

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I mean, you probably wanted to and were looking for it, but it's still someone else making

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you feel something.

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On the darker side of it, concerning manipulation, jealousy, anger, resentment, I think other

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people can trigger those feelings in you for sure.

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But I think those kinds of things are or can be a fleeting thing.

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You can still have much more influence over your own emotional state.

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So while someone else can make you sad, they can't make you depressed unless you let them,

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unless you sacrifice that control over it.

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I had a friend for since about 1999, about an over 20 year friendship.

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And something I initially didn't like about this friend was that he was so, his humor

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was so biting.

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And at first that was annoying to me, but then I got that it was coming from a place

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of that it's almost like kind of like a defense mechanism.

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It's like if you can get on board with my humor that has language that would make you

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feel bad if you took it literally, if you can get on board with that, then you understand

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sort of like my love language or sort of kind of thing.

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So we had this really close friendship for 20 years.

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And we hit definite rough spots in that friendship.

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And I'm the kind of person that I'm a very empathetic person.

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And so I take on, I take on other people's feelings in addition to my own, which my own

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are the worst because I will think through something way and go over it and over it and

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over it way more times than I need to.

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And this particular friend, whenever we got into like sort of rough patches or whatever,

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it was never, it was never his fault.

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And it's the kind of thing, I guess you would call it a way of gaslighting because it would

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be like, what, I don't understand why, I don't understand why you feel this way.

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It's like, that's not the way that I see it or that kind of thing.

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And so I would take on the emotions like, did I, am I handling this wrong?

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Did I say that the wrong way?

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Am I the one that's caused all these problems?

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And I would have conversations with my wife and she'd be like, no, you're not the problem.

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He's totally the problem in this situation.

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But I couldn't help thinking like, but I probably could have handled it better.

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I probably could have said things in a different way.

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I didn't need to get defensive with this response.

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And so as far as somebody making you feel something, it was almost like he did.

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Sure, I had the ability to not let it affect me, but that's kind of impossible with my,

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I don't know, with my makeup, my emotional makeup.

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I'm very, I very much take on more emotional responsibility than I need to in almost any

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given situation.

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So it is tricky.

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Like I felt sometimes I was forced into feeling a certain way by this person.

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But again, he didn't make me feel that way, but he certainly pushed me into feeling that

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way.

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I mean, that's what I thought of when you said, when you asked the question, can somebody

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make you feel something?

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I think that humans have so much power over each other and certain people really know

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how to use that power.

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So I really do believe that people can make you feel something.

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And in this case, this is, this is feeling negative things.

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So that's kind of a balance that in the past year that I've been trying to strike with

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my own, my, my own, so like self-talk and what goes on inside my head is how much I

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allow that influence in that would change the way I feel about something.

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I don't think someone can make you feel something.

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It's your own personal responsibility to manage your reactions.

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However, if someone is consistently acting in a purposeful manner to elicit a specific

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negative response or feeling from you, it may be time to set a boundary or distance

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yourself from that relationship.

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In my personal opinion, I do believe that others can make you feel the shared experience

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of previous events can be triggered by new experiences and ones that old friends and

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people that you know, bring you into.

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These feelings can come from shared auditory experiences, shared visual experiences or

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shared vibrational experience that then cause the stimuli to allow you to feel and move

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you into a space where the conglomerated experience that previously aligned you then aligns you

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again.

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So yes, I do believe that others can make you feel.

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This came up recently with my newest partner who actually apologized to me saying it was

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never her intent to make me feel jealous.

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And I had to explain that I had done that all on my own.

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So while I don't think you can make someone else feel something, I do think the concept

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of intent is relevant.

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So more on that later.

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First, how could my new partner know that sharing what she did would stir jealous feelings?

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Because the same action can result in a variety of feelings within different people.

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So for example, pinning someone down.

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That could cause feelings of fear, anger, arousal, or for a wrestler, excitement at

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the opportunity to show off their skill set and maybe get out of a hold.

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I think of the brain as this complicated machine with all of these cogs and whistles turning

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and spinning about.

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And if you know someone really well or you know what societal norms they were exposed

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to, you can learn what lever to pull on the machine to fairly predictively result in a

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particular feeling.

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So in a monoculture, saying certain things to your partner about someone else's attractiveness

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often results in jealousy.

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But the person pulling the lever didn't design the machine or create the lever.

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They just pulled it.

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And if the person being triggered accumulates additional life experiences or adopts a different

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cultural framework or does a lot of therapeutic work, pulling that same lever in the future

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might elicit a very different feeling because the design of the machine has now changed

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and the neural pathways now lead elsewhere.

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So to both parties, it might appear one can make the other one feel something by pulling

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the lever, but in the end, it all depends on the design of the machine, which is not

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to absolve someone from the accountability that goes with knowing perfectly well that

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when they pull a particular lever, a certain feeling will likely be elicited.

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That is where I think intent comes into play and defines whether the person is being manipulative

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or even emotionally abusive in pulling that lever.

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If people couldn't make other people feel something, musicians, artists, writers, actors,

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and anyone else involved in the arts would have a lot of explaining to do.

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I suspect this question is trying to create a conversation around the question, when is

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it reasonable to hold other people accountable for your own feelings?

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And when is it reasonable to hold yourself accountable for your own feelings?

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I think there's great utility in recognizing the personal agency a person has with their

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own feelings and how that informs their actions.

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However, I think moving too far in that direction severs meaningful human connection in the

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pursuit of an emotional fortress of solitude.

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Consider, what is the prerequisite of betrayal?

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It depends on the person as in me, I guess, because then yes, absolutely someone can make

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me feel something because I'm extremely open to the idea of someone being able to hurt

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me because it's very easy to do.

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Like, literally one of my friends said something very casual to me the other day and I just

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started crying because it made me feel something.

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So, can, yes, I mean, yes, yeah, people can make, they can try all they want and then

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sometimes they don't even have to try.

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But yeah, people feel.

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People make people feel.

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Hey!

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It's us again.

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Yes, we're back.

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This is the end of the episode.

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Welcome.

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What'd you think?

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That was pretty cool.

250
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Oh my gosh, that was awesome.

251
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Yes.

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Oh my gosh.

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I was blown away by the answers we got.

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Yeah.

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Holy cow.

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Like, I kind of hoped that's what the kind of stuff we'd be getting and I was not disappointed.

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Yeah.

258
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Yeah.

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I am really impressed by the thoughtfulness of the people that we know, the people in

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our lives.

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I feel very lucky to know all of these people.

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Yeah.

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And I know going into this, I had my own idea of what I would have answered and I think

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that some of these responses we got really gave me something to think about.

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Yeah.

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It made me explore my own answer in a different way and consider some more layers of nuance

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to it.

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Yeah.

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So it's continuing to evolve.

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Yeah.

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And I hope that's true for our audience as well.

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Right.

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Because I don't want to necessarily think of myself as completely set in stone.

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Yeah.

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I'm still open to new things.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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I feel the same way.

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And also, I really just wanted to thank everyone who participated because that was amazing.

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You are so wonderful for, like we had this, we stuck a microphone in your face and asked

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you a big question and you all agreed to do it.

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And that was so cool.

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Very cool.

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I'm blown away and feeling very grateful.

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Me too.

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Definitely.

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And we're hoping to do this again next season.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Well, thanks for joining us.

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I hope you guys liked this new kind of episode and hearing some other opinions and voices

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than ours.

293
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Yeah.

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So this was almost the end of season one.

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Yes.

296
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:29,160
Yes.

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Oh, that's right.

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What's coming up next?

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There's only one episode left.

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What are we going to do?

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Well, that's also kind of going to be a special episode.

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What we were thinking is we do kind of a recap of season one and open up the audience mail

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bag and answer some questions and read some comments.

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Here's some feedback of how season one went and share some of our plans for season two.

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See you then.

306
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Yeah.

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See you next time.

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Bye.

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It's okay.

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Be kind.

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Right now.

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You're just a spirit having a human experience.

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Do it right now.

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We all make mistakes.