1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Hi. 2 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,000 Hi. 3 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,000 Mindful Poly. 4 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Yeah. 5 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,000 Welcome back. 6 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,000 We missed you. 7 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Is this your first time? 8 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,000 Hello, nice to meet you. 9 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,000 This is not your first time. 10 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,000 You're looking really nice today. 11 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,000 I mean. 12 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,000 What? 13 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Yeah, whoever you are. 14 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,000 I'm into it. 15 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Oh, you look awesome. 16 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,000 Yes. 17 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,000 Yeah. 18 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,000 Keep it up. 19 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,000 We're so happy you're here. 20 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,000 So today we're talking about coming out. 21 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,000 Yeah. 22 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,000 Specifically at work. 23 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,000 Yeah. 24 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,000 We're going to be doing a lot of work. 25 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,000 We're going to be doing a lot of work. 26 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,000 We're going to be doing a lot of work. 27 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,000 So this is coming out. 28 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,000 Yeah. 29 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,000 Specifically at work. 30 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,000 At work. 31 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,000 This is part of our coming out series. 32 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,000 So you recently had an event at work. 33 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,000 Mm-hm. 34 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,500 That was sort of felt like a coming out moment for you, right? 35 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,000 Oh, the open house. 36 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,000 Yeah. 37 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,000 Yeah, it really was. 38 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:50,700 So after remodeling the new facility and putting lots of time and money and effort into it, 39 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:51,700 they want to show off. 40 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:54,920 So they're like family and friends night, bring your families. 41 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,760 You can take them around and show them all the cool stuff in our new facility. 42 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,920 And you're like, I have one of those. 43 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,560 Yeah, I have a family. 44 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:08,720 There's also going to be trunk-or-treating because this was around Halloween sometime 45 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:09,780 in October. 46 00:01:09,780 --> 00:01:14,600 So I thought, oh, Sunny might also really enjoy that. 47 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,600 Yeah. 48 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,600 So. 49 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,600 She loves her some candy. 50 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:25,560 So I asked if you wanted to be my date basically to this family gathering at work. 51 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,360 And how did you feel about it when I asked you? 52 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,360 I was excited. 53 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:30,360 Yeah. 54 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,360 Yeah. 55 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,240 I mean, my company is even smaller than yours. 56 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,280 And we'll talk a little bit about my experience soon. 57 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,800 But my company never does things. 58 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:45,360 I don't ever get to bring people to a thing or invite people to a thing. 59 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:50,840 And so to get invited to a thing, like it's just, I hear about other companies doing, 60 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,600 and I hear about other people getting to go to their partner's things. 61 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,680 And I just don't get to do it very much. 62 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:01,400 And if you had done something with Elliot or for Elliot's job, it would just be normal 63 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,720 because you're married. 64 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,680 Well, I would still feel, I don't know. 65 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:06,480 I think it would feel exactly the same. 66 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,640 Like I would feel excited to get to go to a thing. 67 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:09,640 Oh, wow. 68 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:10,640 Okay. 69 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:11,640 So this is just a rare occurrence at all. 70 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:12,640 In my life. 71 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,640 In general. 72 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,640 Okay, cool. 73 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:15,960 I don't think I was quite aware of that. 74 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:16,960 Oh, yeah. 75 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960 I just don't, yeah. 76 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:25,200 Neither I nor partners that I've had have had companies that hold events and invite 77 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,480 families. 78 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,480 But it was amazing. 79 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,840 It was so much fun. 80 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:34,560 Most people were just like, had no idea that anything was going on because the way I chose 81 00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:40,400 to handle it was I would introduce you as my partner. 82 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,760 And this is your, I didn't say it was my daughter. 83 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,760 I said this is your daughter. 84 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:45,760 Did you say that? 85 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,240 I mean, I don't even feel like you introduced, you just, I don't even think people asked. 86 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:52,440 I think we just like went around and they were like, oh, hey, you look happy. 87 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,500 For the most part, if you see someone you don't recognize walking around with someone 88 00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,440 you do recognize, you assume they're family. 89 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,440 Yeah. 90 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,680 I think that's how most of the interactions felt to me. 91 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,680 Right. 92 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:02,680 We played mono on TV basically. 93 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,680 Yeah. 94 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:04,680 Yes. 95 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:05,680 Yes. 96 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,680 Everyone was just assuming we were a family. 97 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:11,000 Just to clarify that term, that's like a phrase we like to use. 98 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,760 I don't know if it's a widely used one, but- 99 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,760 Playing mono on TV. 100 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:14,760 Yeah. 101 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:16,280 Like I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. 102 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,280 Right, right, right. 103 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,280 Yeah. 104 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:19,280 I'm not mono, but I look like- 105 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,280 Well, it's passing. 106 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:21,280 I can pass it. 107 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:22,280 Yeah. 108 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,280 We definitely passed for a family unit. 109 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:24,280 Right. 110 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,600 The tour was fun. 111 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:26,600 I gave a really good tour. 112 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,600 Yeah. 113 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,880 Sunny was excited and wanted to see parts of the building again. 114 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,720 I want to go up to that window. 115 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,840 She started out really shy, which is usually her way. 116 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,480 And then when you started showing her around, I think it kind of clicked for her that you 117 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:42,240 were sharing this important part of your world that she hadn't seen before. 118 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,440 And I think she got pretty into it. 119 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:45,440 Yeah. 120 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:51,040 The big moments that happened for me were introducing you to a couple people. 121 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:56,920 I think I at least got something out of it, even though they didn't seem to react. 122 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:02,040 They didn't know they were meeting someone super in strange circumstances, because we 123 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,720 didn't announce to anyone that you're my partner. 124 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:10,360 But my supervisor, who gave me curtains for my new apartment and knew I had a divorce 125 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,760 recently, was just like, oh, hey, nice to see you. 126 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,600 They're just totally normal, totally great. 127 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:23,640 But when we were ready to go home, I wanted to say goodbye to my boss, who happened to 128 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:31,040 be standing next to the CEO and owner of the company, respectively, the very powerful people 129 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,040 at my job. 130 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,840 The VPs. 131 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:42,680 And then Sunny got shy again. 132 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:49,200 I don't know if Sunny knew they were like the bosses. 133 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,440 She might have read your vibe. 134 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,440 I don't know. 135 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:52,440 You think? 136 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,440 Yeah. 137 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,680 She's a pretty intuitive kid. 138 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:03,320 And the thing that we talked about so much afterwards was Sunny hid behind me and kind 139 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,800 of held onto my legs. 140 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:14,120 And my secret fear of most interactions when we are in public and I'm spending time with 141 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:21,080 you and Sunny and even you and Sunny and Elliot is someone's going to figure out that I'm 142 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,000 not her dad. 143 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,240 That I'm, I don't know. 144 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:34,080 I have that anxiety the most when I am spending solo time with Sunny and like we're go pick 145 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,600 up Chinese food or something. 146 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,600 And then they want to tell me how cute my daughter is. 147 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,840 And I'm just like, well, thank you. 148 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,440 They just most some people not correct them. 149 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:43,440 Right. 150 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,440 Not correct them. 151 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:48,720 And I had the anxiety way more earlier on when Sunny and I were still getting to know 152 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:55,180 each other and building that trust initially because I just thought it was like at any 153 00:05:55,180 --> 00:06:03,240 moment it could crack and they could choose to cry and make a scene and then say something 154 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,840 about you're not my real dad or you know, like, like you've seen in movies, right? 155 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:10,360 Like those are just awfulizations in my mind. 156 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:15,800 Just anxiety dreams that aren't real haven't happened, but I'm just worried that it might. 157 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:21,400 And then I have to explain that no, but I am dating their mother and their mother knows 158 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:22,920 that I'm taking them out to get food. 159 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,160 And this is all like a, everything's okay. 160 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,880 Everything's okay. 161 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:34,240 But this time when I went to go talk to my boss and my CEO and the owner, all Sunny did 162 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,720 was this small body language. 163 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,000 Oh my gosh. 164 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,560 Like I I'm tearing up about it right now. 165 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:51,120 Like telling the story again, because it meant so much to me to have Sunny's trust that way. 166 00:06:51,120 --> 00:07:04,800 And it made me feel safe in front of these people that have some sway over my livelihood. 167 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,800 Yeah. 168 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:12,120 They could just fire me if they decide they don't like my monogamy because we're in a 169 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,480 state where that they don't have to give a reason. 170 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:20,840 I mean, and we're not really a protected, we're not really a protected group. 171 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,560 Like if someone fires you because they don't like non monogamy, like I don't know what 172 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:27,720 recourse you really have. 173 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:30,480 We'd be blazing that trail. 174 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:36,740 We're sharing our experiences about coming out at work, not so that you feel badly because 175 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:38,600 you haven't. 176 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:43,440 This is not something that's expected or that anyone needs to do. 177 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,500 It is purely, it felt right to me. 178 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:51,120 So I decided to go and do it at the time. 179 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:55,440 We and we and we we thought through the you know, you and I both together talked about 180 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,240 the pros and cons of this idea. 181 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:02,520 I mean, I think anyone considering coming out at work kind of has to take a moment and 182 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:06,880 consider like what what are the good things that could happen as a result of this and 183 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,440 what are the negative things that could happen? 184 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,520 So that was one that we talked about. 185 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,480 Like, okay, let's let's just worst case scenario this. 186 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:21,240 I like to short circuit my awful izations by thinking about like what what's the worst 187 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,080 that could happen and the worst that could happen in this situation is that you lose 188 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:26,080 your job, right? 189 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,080 Yeah. 190 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,080 I mean, the pretty bad. 191 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:30,080 Yeah, which is a big deal. 192 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,080 I mean, for anybody. 193 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,080 And I was very nervous. 194 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,080 Yeah. 195 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,080 Doing this. 196 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,080 But so we talked about that. 197 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,080 We talked about what would happen. 198 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,080 Okay. 199 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,080 Let's say you lost your job. 200 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,920 Well, you probably would have trouble affording your apartment. 201 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:43,920 Yeah. 202 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,320 And then you you know, we talked about that you could come move in with me until you get 203 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,400 back on your feet or however long you need. 204 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:55,320 And that kind of I don't know, I think sometimes just thinking that through it can kind of it's 205 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,480 not like you're going to be homeless. 206 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,000 It's not like you're not you're going to go hungry. 207 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,200 You know, you have that safety net there. 208 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,560 Like there are protections in place. 209 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:04,560 Yes. 210 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:08,200 I was very fortunate, very thankful to have those. 211 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,200 Yeah. 212 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,760 And I think what I think was probably other than just where I'm at in my journey after 213 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:22,240 four year or say six or seven years in nominogamy and like four years dating you and building 214 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:30,080 up this polycule, that felt like the math worked out this time. 215 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,440 Like at this point, I reached a tipping point where I felt safe enough that I just went 216 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,440 ahead and did it. 217 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:38,720 I think if you'd asked me three years ago, I would have probably hesitated more. 218 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,720 Yeah. 219 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,720 Not known if I could have done that. 220 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:41,720 Yeah, totally. 221 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:42,720 Yeah. 222 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:47,680 And one of the whole reasons to do this at all is that we were both interested in is 223 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:56,840 the just being a positive advocate for nominogamy for polyamory, like being good examples and 224 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:04,160 using our relative positions of safety to like just be more visible in society because 225 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,680 we're trying to normalize it. 226 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:06,680 Yeah. 227 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:07,680 Yeah. 228 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:11,240 And we're in a unique position where we can, you know, if we need to take a hit, we could. 229 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:17,720 So like this is a powerful opportunity to like make it known, get it out there. 230 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,160 Like someone you know might be polyamorous. 231 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,440 So we've talked a little bit about some of the pros and cons. 232 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:25,440 Yep. 233 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:26,440 Okay. 234 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:33,760 There's the really blatant one, which is you get legitimately fired, but just as big really 235 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:38,880 would be like lower level things that you might not be able to pick up on. 236 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:45,120 So it might be that someone knows you're poly and kind of passes you over for a promotion 237 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,400 opportunity or soft rejection. 238 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,400 Yeah. 239 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:53,360 Treats you differently in the workplace or stop inviting me to lunches. 240 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,360 Yeah. 241 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,360 Right. 242 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,360 Right. 243 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,360 Yeah. 244 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:02,240 It would have been very disorienting and painful to realize that my relationships had changed. 245 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,240 Yeah. 246 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:04,920 Because of this new information they learned about me. 247 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,280 And I think it'd be harder to pin down to, it'd be harder to push back against because 248 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,560 you might not, you know, if you get passed over for a raise, it's like, well, is it just 249 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:16,160 because I, you know, really wasn't up to par or- 250 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,240 It's hard to prove. 251 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,840 Is there something more going on there? 252 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,080 Yeah. 253 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:25,840 But on the pro side, to balance that out, I mean, there's like- 254 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:26,840 Living your authentic life. 255 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:27,840 Yeah. 256 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:34,840 And I also think one thing I experienced in my own story was the chance to build a stronger 257 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,120 connection with the people. 258 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,920 You spend a lot of your day with these people that you work with. 259 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:40,920 Yeah. 260 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:46,840 And like when you're vulnerable enough to share something personal like that with them, 261 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,160 then it gives you a chance to build a little stronger connection and build a little bit 262 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,160 more trust. 263 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:57,080 And I mean, if it goes well, it's an opportunity for those things, which is pretty valuable 264 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,360 too. 265 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,840 So I also had a chance recently to come out. 266 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,600 This is part of why we picked this as a topic. 267 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:03,600 Yeah. 268 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,600 So we both had something to share. 269 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:05,600 Yeah. 270 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,200 So we have a client that we've been working with for a while, mostly me. 271 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,400 It's mostly me that's been working with them. 272 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,240 And so yeah, I've been working with them and have a really great relationship with them. 273 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,000 They really, really love the work I do. 274 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,120 And they are having an anniversary party also. 275 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:25,240 So you know, I got the invite and in my mind, I'm immediately thinking about all the people 276 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:29,400 I'd love to bring, you know, if a big picture world, I'd bring you, I'd bring Elliot, I'd 277 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:34,600 bring Stevie, you know, like, I think that'd be amazing. 278 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,960 And you really get the opportunity to RSVP for so many. 279 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:43,600 So I pull it up and it allows me to RSVP for three. 280 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,600 Wow. 281 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,600 And I'm like, opportunity. 282 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,600 What? 283 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,160 Like, this is unheard of. 284 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,200 Like you always just get your plus one, but I get a plus two basically. 285 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:57,640 Well, the plus one is so steeped in monogamous assumption. 286 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,960 And I don't know, I still don't know why they offered this, but I immediately thought, oh 287 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,120 my gosh, like it would be so, I would love to take Fox and Elliot. 288 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,120 I could bring two dates. 289 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:07,640 That would be a dream come true. 290 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:13,160 I would love, I mean, to get to share this fancy dinner that I, you know, so rarely get 291 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:18,620 invited to with these two people that are so important to me, like, it would be incredible. 292 00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:23,840 So I decided to, especially since this is a client, this isn't actually my company itself. 293 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:28,800 I think that'll be a little bit more straightforward, but since it was a client, I kind of felt 294 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:35,940 like if I want to get to the place where I feel okay accepting this invite with two partners, 295 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:43,440 then I need to also come out at my actual company first and verify that they aren't 296 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,680 concerned about the impact that would have with this client. 297 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,520 And so this is something that, you know, I think would it be something to think about 298 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:56,520 if you're going to have this kind of conversation where you're coming out to really anyone, 299 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,920 but we'll say at work. 300 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:03,560 I wanted to be very intentional about how I presented this information because I know 301 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:07,200 there have been times in the past when I've come out as other things come out as like 302 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:12,120 an atheist or come out as, you know, things that I'm worried about being accepted about, 303 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,040 like having tattoos or things that are, I don't know, culturally people have feelings 304 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:23,560 about and sometimes I in the past would present it as like, well, you know, there's this thing 305 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:29,520 I want to tell you about and I'm immediately in my demeanor and energy. 306 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:35,240 I'm just offering like that I'm shamed that I'm expecting this to you to not take this 307 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,240 well. 308 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:37,240 Yeah. 309 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,240 Yeah. 310 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,580 And I'm almost, I think without realizing it, you can almost be like telling someone 311 00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,320 how to feel when you give them that you kind of leading the witness. 312 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,320 Yeah. 313 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,800 I think I can recreate what I said for the most part here. 314 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:54,080 So I came in there and I was like, and my boss asked if I was going to go to that event 315 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,080 and I said, yeah, I definitely am. 316 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,200 I've already got a sitter lined up for Sunny. 317 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,900 But I noticed that I'm allowed to bring two people instead of just one, which is kind 318 00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,080 of unusual. 319 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:11,240 And this hasn't really ever come up before because we don't really have events here for 320 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:17,400 family, but Elliot and I are not monogamous and we never have been. 321 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:22,080 And we've spent many years now building a family of people that we really care about. 322 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,360 We make meals together, we go on trips together. 323 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,580 And I have one partner in particular I've been with for over four years that I would 324 00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:32,320 also like to bring to something like this. 325 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:40,680 And I recognize that this client is more traditional and that this is a less traditional lifestyle 326 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:46,400 choice that I've made, the way that I'm structuring my family and leading my life. 327 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:50,760 And so I said, I just want to be sensitive to the fact that they are a little bit more 328 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:56,960 traditional and I want to be respectful of how they might feel about something like that. 329 00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:04,080 And I would like your opinion on how best to approach this. 330 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,480 So that's where I left it. 331 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,680 That was a tricky needle to thread. 332 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,960 I think you did a really great job with your statement. 333 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,160 I felt really good about it. 334 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:16,640 I feel like if I were going to give people advice about coming out, I think if you present 335 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,760 it in that way where you're like, here's this perfectly normal, happy, healthy thing I'm 336 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:27,240 doing, it's harder for them to react negatively. 337 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,140 I think you give them less window. 338 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:35,800 So to finish that story, the advice he basically gave me is like, I think you're thinking about 339 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,200 this really well and I think you should do what you think is right. 340 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,200 That's a great reaction. 341 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,200 Thanks, boss. 342 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,200 I know. 343 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,000 I think I felt that sort of as a... 344 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,400 Also he went away and thought about it for a little bit and then came back to you and 345 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,400 said that. 346 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,920 I thought, that's nice too. 347 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,280 He really considered it. 348 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,760 He did. 349 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:59,800 And so I have decided to do it because there's a lot of reasons why. 350 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:05,000 One of them is kind of like what we were just talking about is like when you present it 351 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:10,360 in a way where it's hard to get upset about, then I think that just... 352 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,440 I don't know. 353 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:17,080 What people are going to see at this event, I'm imagining in my mind, is like three people 354 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:24,320 who are totally comfortable together, very happy, very relaxed, clearly having a good 355 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,320 time. 356 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,320 Dressed amazingly. 357 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,320 Yeah. 358 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,320 Looking dapper. 359 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:39,320 I can't imagine seeing that and not just thinking that, okay. 360 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,960 I think anything you might think like, oh, I'm worried about this person or did they 361 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:48,320 get coerced into that or is someone here unhappy? 362 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,200 Everything you would see would counteract any of those fears you might have. 363 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:58,140 Do you want to share a recent story you had about coming out on a more one-on-one level? 364 00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:04,560 There was a conversation I was having with someone I consider a friend, like a real friend 365 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,680 at work. 366 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,920 They work remotely and they were visiting that week, so we don't have a lot of in-person 367 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:11,920 time. 368 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:16,080 But we were excited because we're also chess-playing partners. 369 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:21,680 I will often send screenshots of our latest games to each other and be like, check out 370 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:22,840 this win. 371 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,040 And we're encouraging each other to learn the game. 372 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:30,360 And then I saw him talking to another coworker about chess. 373 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:36,400 And then I joked with him directly, oh, so you're like cheating on me with other chess 374 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,400 players? 375 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,600 And he's like, well, if I was polyamorous, it wouldn't be a problem. 376 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,800 And I'm like, actually, it's funny you say that because I am polyamorous and it isn't 377 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,800 a problem. 378 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:44,800 And he goes, oh, that's great. 379 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,920 I know someone that's like that too. 380 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,200 I would be if my partner was into it. 381 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,160 I'm like, oh, okay, cool. 382 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,800 He was just like so... 383 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,080 We didn't skip a beat. 384 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:58,760 We had our rapport down. 385 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:04,960 And so this little revelation about my personal life was just, he's like, oh, okay, cool. 386 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:05,960 This is normal. 387 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,800 Which, I mean, and kind of going back to that idea of the more we normalize it, I mean, 388 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:14,240 part of why it was normalized for him is that he had already interacted with someone else. 389 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,240 Yes, exactly. 390 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:21,320 I mean, he was right there with a poly joke, even though he's not poly. 391 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,960 Coming out of work. 392 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,760 Tell us in the comments how your experience went. 393 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,120 Did you have something similar happen to you? 394 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,880 Yeah, or what is your pros and cons list? 395 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:32,880 Yeah. 396 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:33,880 What's your math look like? 397 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:34,880 Yeah. 398 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:35,880 I want to know. 399 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,320 So thanks for joining us. 400 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:43,080 This has been Mindful Poly, an episode about coming out of work. 401 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,080 I'm Fox. 402 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:53,320 I'm Nova. 403 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,320 Bop bop bop bop. 404 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,520 I'm sounding good in my ears. 405 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,120 I am fashioning a coaster out of tissues. 406 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,120 Classy bitch. 407 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,320 I'm so classy. 408 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:15,680 And now we are good to go.