Hello. Hi, Fox. Hi, Nova. Hey. We're back. Yeah.
It's been a while. Oh, my gosh. Longer than normal.
Yes. So what had happened was normally you'd
be hearing season three of Mindful Poly around
this time of year. Yeah. But some things happened
last year that were exciting and pushed the schedule
a little bit. Yeah. One of them being moving
houses. We're recording from a new space right
now. And the other is putting on a conference,
Midwest Love Fest. Woo! The first Midwest Love
Fest was last August. Yeah. Okay, so. We are
here to share a recent experience we had. We
did go to Southwest Love Fest. Whoa. Which was
Fox's first time there. It was my first Southwest
Love Fest. What'd you think? Oh man, it was great.
Yeah? Yeah, I was very excited. I'd heard good
things from you the past couple times that you
went. And so obviously my expectations were high.
But they were met. I had a great time. Met many
amazing people. Some of whom you will hear from
here in a minute. So I was set up at a community
vendor table in the hallway and I brought our
podcasting set up with me. And I asked anyone
who would stop and listen to our spiel, hey,
what are your thoughts about this question? And
I can say that I think just because of the venue
and the setting that I was constantly running
across such thoughtful, introspective people.
And it was. adorable how I mean and inspiring
really but like I just loved how like I mean
obviously a lot of people were nervous to get
in front of a microphone but they really wanted
to share something worth sharing like a majority
of them wanted to think about it and come back
later yeah we definitely got accused of making
a picking hard questions questions that made
them think about it As I was editing, because
I wasn't always there for all the recordings,
as I was editing it, it felt like I was stitching
together a bit of a love letter to this time
and this place and the people we shared it with
in a way I hadn't fully anticipated going into
it. But it was beautiful. And I just always...
Love the people who come to events like this
and are just like you said, so thoughtful, so
caring, so introspective. They're such good people.
And to be able to capture the audio of that time
and that place and the things that they were
thinking about is really special. And I'm excited
to share it. One thing that was unique about
this experience that's different from our other
crowdsource episodes is that you'll notice some
background noise because this was just. like
a hallway that we were recording in. And the
other thing is some of the people who shared
their responses were responding to things they
learned about. So you might hear them reference
a session that they went to or something they
learned about that way. So let's get to it. Okay.
So the question for this special bonus crowdsource
episode was, what is one thing you learned recently
that changed the way you think about relationships?
And here's what they said. Okay, so what I learned
recently about relationships is they're very
fluid. They go however you choose that you want
them. There could be romantic ones. There can
be platonic ones. But anyone could be your soulmate
if you feel that connection. There's not just
one. Multiple people can love and be a part of
your life if you want it. It just depends on
how you feel about that person and if you let
them into your life and want them into your life.
I find that I used to be very rigid in the way
I thought and conversations almost felt like
more of a explain myself. And when I started
listening and experiencing other people's perspectives
from a goal of understanding rather than to be
understood, and these things are not mutually
exclusive. The more I incorporated the way other
people see the world, the more I was able to
understand myself. I recently attended a discussion
about personality disorders and non -monogamy
and the stigmas faced by people who clinically
cannot exemplify the qualities that we associate
with healthy polyamory. And it was a really enlightening
discussion that was validating for a lot of people.
I learned that a lot of therapists don't even
bother dealing with people who have BPD or similar
disorders. And a lot of the literature focused
around how we talk about healthy relationships
basically doesn't have a consideration for people
whose trauma or personality conditions for whom
the literature is not helpful in that regard.
And that's taught me to have a lot more empathy
and to think more carefully about how I use certain
language and how I promote certain stigmas. One
thing I've learned recently that's changed the
way I think about relationships, I found some
language recently to help me understand reasons
that I struggle in conflict. And the way that
I think about it is we kind of... the state that
we're in can exist on a spectrum from connecting
on one side to protecting ourselves on the other
side and I think that the price of admission
into connection is vulnerability and like this
idea of intimacy and allowing parts of ourselves
to be seen that feel very scary and the price
of admission for protecting ourselves is often
disconnection and Being able to ask myself where
on this spectrum am I right now helps me think
about if I'm in the right state of mind to be
addressing conflicts in a way that is connecting
as opposed to disconnecting. And it explained
a lot for me about sometimes getting into conflicts
that feel like trigger spirals where one person
goes into protective mode and it almost triggers
the other person into protective mode and now
no forward progress can be made. healing whatever
rupture has happened. And on the flip side, I
think knowing that I'm able to like in a place
where I'm able to be on the connecting side of
the spectrum and stay there, even if the other
person is feeling protective, can sometimes invite
them to start to slowly move towards connecting.
And that has just been an overarching framework
that has helped me think about how I can do better
in conflict in a way that's healing for my relationships.
One thing that I have recently learned about
how I think about relationships is that I can
form different bonds and get different things
from different people. And I can have significant
interactions that feel right with one person
and feel a different way about the other person.
And those are both important and loving ways
to share my time with those people. Love exists
to the bounds to which you allow it, and you
are infinite. The one thing I've learned is that
I was very apprehensive about poly, but the fact
that I can share my life and share my other parts
of me with other people as well as my significant
other or my nesting partner, I guess that's a
new term I've learned, but it's one of those
you have to share. I mean, sharing is caring.
I mean, that's the weird part about it. That's
definitely the weird part about it. But I haven't
crossed that line. But if that person ever pops
into my life, then all the better for me. One
of the things that I've learned over the last...
Well, okay, it's kind of twofold. Something that
I've learned over the last year regarding relationships
is that partners do not exactly have to look
like that Hallmark Disney fairytale ending that...
Every piece of media ever sells us. Like you
can really cultivate and craft a partnership
that works for you without it looking like a
traditional partnership. And that's okay. Like
it's a beautiful thing. And the other thing is
that when it comes to relationships. found family
can be just as important and just as impactful
as the family that you grew up with, if not more
so. Especially for those of us who didn't grow
up with supportive families, the found family
that I have been so blessed to cultivate over
the last year has really been an incredible glimpse
into what a loving, supportive community. and
network of people is supposed to look like. And
it's also okay that that doesn't look like a
Hallmark Disney movie either. So one thing I've
learned recently that changed the way I think
about relationships, that question is hard for
me because I'm a very thinky kind of person.
I tend to intellectualize stuff. And I know a
lot and I think a lot. Something that I wrestle
with is sort of knowing something, but like intellectually
in my brain, but and believing it to be true.
But like my nervous system doesn't know it also.
So I know it, but I don't feel it. And I think
a lot of. The stuff that especially like this
weekend that has come up for me, I'm like, yes,
I know this. Yes, I know this. Yes, I know this.
Right. Like I know a lot of this and I don't
feel it. And so I'm kind of just hoping like
overexposing myself and just continuing to talk
about things and to experience things and hear
other people's perspectives and experiences will
help me so that. Eventually it will like get
ingrained enough where I feel it and I know it.
I think I learned recently that you can't depend
on experience. I have been in relationships for
going on a couple, two or three decades now at
this point. And I think I'd reached a point where
I kind of expected that I'd seen it all. And
I definitely did not. give some of my more recent
relationships the attention to the uniqueness
that they deserved. There were things that were
unique about those relationships that I should
have given the space for, and it was a blind
spot for me. So that's the thing that I'm acutely
aware of, is every relationship that I find myself
in, there's some level where I'm starting from
absolute square one every single time. And I
think that's important for me to know. So I'm
definitely a person who struggles a lot with
anxiety and FOMO or the fear of missing out.
And so being in a poly relationship, I witness
my partner with a lot of other partners or at
least other partners that have a more serious
side to them. And the one thing that I learned
when my wife... first started to have a serious
partner is I felt a lot of anxiety that I put
on that partner I let that anxiety change the
way I thought about that person making it almost
like it was their fault that I'm feeling this
and eventually I started to not like that person
just in general and make excuses for different
reasons to not like him and then my wife got
another partner who was also my friend. And he
didn't act the same way as that partner, the
previous partner. And he treated me the same
way he treats my wife. He treats my kids the
same way he treats all of us. He treats all of
us very fairly and respectfully and tries to
show that attention. And so with that relationship,
I still got anxiety. So the one thing that I
learned was that my anxiety that I feel is my
own. It's not because of a certain person. It's
not because somebody else is doing this to me.
It's something that I'm feeling because of something
that I'm going through. And so it's something
that I need to work on. Some people can help
me with it, and I can let them know that I'm
feeling that anxiety. But it's not their responsibility.
And it's not their fault. That's the main thing
that I took away. And so I'm looking at that
first relationship a lot softer now. I'm reevaluating
how I feel about that person and trying to treat
them with the same respect that I treat the other
one. So when I was divorcing my kid's dad and
coming out as polyamorous at the same time, I
had a lot of friends who really showed up for
me in amazing ways. And they would come over
and cook dinner or they would read bedtime stories
with my kids. And these are not people who are
romantic partners in any way. But having them
show up and then also having my kids tell me
how much they started to see those people as
family and to love those people really changed
the way that I think about relationships and
about having a network of love. beyond the idea
of sexual or romantic partners, but into this
entire web of people that support us and love
us and are a part of our lives and that we can
think of as our family and that are the network
that makes us whole and happy and makes the world
a beautiful, happy place. I've been non -monogamous
for many years, and this is not a thing I ever
thought I would do, but it's amazing. And just
in the last few days, it was broached about how...
my metamorph values the relationship with our
shared partner and with me and would like to
have some kind of kind of commitment ceremony
and I've been with my nesting partner my spouse
for you know 30 plus years and this is something
that would have been pretty jarring to me years
ago about someone else having this kind of strong
connection with my partner, feelings of jealousy,
or did they want to take over my role? And then
I realized that I did not feel that way about
my metamor, and that she was so important to
my life and a part of our relationship. Like,
we don't have an intimate relationship. We're
two arms of a V. But I love her as a family member,
as a friend, as a sister, sometimes as a daughter.
And I'm actually kind of looking forward to participating
in this. And not a thing I ever thought I would.
But to reaffirm and... our connectivity um in
a non -monogamous and loving way the one thing
i've learned recently about poly and it's something
that i'm learning again is i've been poly for
about four years five years is you never stop
learning and it's a really simple thing but I
had a massive breakup. It was one of my first
big connections. It was really hard, and I didn't
think I could do it anymore. Then I literally
had all this whole questioning if it's for me.
So coming to the idea that I now have another
partner and someone I can say I love you again
was both a surprise and something that terrified
me. So realizing that, again, you hear the caveat,
you never stop learning, but it really is true.
And we're back. Welcome back. Hi, Nova. Hi. What
did you think of those answers? You know, I think
what hits me every time we do a crowdsource episode
is that there's the intimacy that comes with
someone sharing their answer to a question like
the kinds we come up with. And then there's sort
of like an extra layer of intimacy of just. hearing
just their voice and focusing on them and what
they're sharing. And the combination of both
of those feels very, I don't know, magical to
me. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, when I was listening
to these, I was struck by just how much, and
I know we were specifically asking them about
something they learned recently. So I don't know
why. Was a surprise in any way, but I was really
struck by how seriously these people are taking
their learning and growth journey. Yeah. Yeah.
Such, you know, thoughtfulness and care and attention
is going into coming into a space like this and
like exposing themselves to new ideas and new
information. It was inspiring. It was for sure.
So that was the special bonus crowdsource episode
of Mindful Polly. Thank you so much for joining
us for Mindful Polly. Yeah, thanks for being
here. It was special to share this. See you next
time. All right. Bye. Bye. You remember our music?
Of course. We just heard it. I know. I missed
it.