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We are back with another episode of the real talking podcast with your hosts, Ash and JD
I'm starting to feel a little bit tired now, I'm not gonna lie mate, it has been a long day
I won't keep the details on the pod for all those illegal activities, doggy
But we did promise you last week that we were gonna start off with the correspondence
We just had a lot to catch up on last week's episode didn't we
So we will start off with a couple of them, then we'll chat she and then we'll get back onto both of us
To be fair there was a couple just saying where's the missing episode, he says two weeks and whatever
Just the usual bullshit
And by the usual bullshit I do mean James again
I might as well just get it up, it's on the earth
It's on the notes section
That was nice to see you have realised that you know it's eat our shite
But we're not a footballing podcast, we're not gonna talk about it
Also mate, just before we are talking about football
I'm sure I said to you, I think Chelsea will win the league
And you said you think Manu would finish the fourth Chelsea
Do you still think that?
At the moment obviously not
It's alright because Rudi will be in charge next week and it will be like our colleagues at the wheel again
But we won't talk about football
We've got another international break after this weekend haven't we
We're fucking crazy
They're so fucking boring in there
So it's this weekend of football normality and then after the internationals again
Just think before a second mate
Say you're a professional footballer on Ali Granda week
You don't get selected for your country
You're just fucking going away for five nights and you know
It depends on the manager though
You might want to still go over tactics but in general
I think a lot of them do before that break
So imagine the street that is like
Oh yeah you're laughing at it
You wouldn't even be asked about the fine from the school
Would you have to take your kids out?
I'm sure they can afford it
To be fair that ain't going to stop me when it comes to being
I'll tell you the secrets that I've seen as well
You've got to time it right
Count your bank holidays
And then do it as you take the kids away on a Friday and a Monday
They're not missing a full week because if you miss the full week
That's when you get the fine
And it's the fines per person per child order
So yeah I think it's 120 quid per person
So you'd be paying 240 pounds for COVID to miss a week of school
Yeah fuck that
I just want to pay it I've got it
Mate mate come get the money from me there
Or I'll be that cunt when you see the videos
And they just go and pay with pennies and that
I'd definitely do that
But correspondence anyway
We've got to keep the fans entertained
They are the ones that are sending us the lovely messages
Which we do appreciate
We always do yeah
Send them in at the realtalkingpod at gmail.com
Or onto the hotline 07 470 488 096
Links are in the description as always
Brilliant mate
Honestly he's not reading the paper
No I'm literally reading
I've got Laura's message ready to read
So yeah this is from Laura sorry
Yeah and it was a couple of weeks ago
So she said
Hey guys so with JD travelling the world
What has Ash done in the time up?
That is a good question what did I do?
I don't think you did anything to it
So for me it was
We had two child free Fridays
Which is when we normally did a recording
So with JD obviously working
And then having a child free Friday
It was just nice just to
I mean every Friday is a child free Friday for me
Yeah
Yeah so
House with just adults and the dog
I think not yeah
Did you go out one of the
No we went out for
Some Japanese food
I think that was the first one I can't remember
But the third week that we missed
I didn't do nothing then I was just
Yeah because I was trying to get over
That was a ridiculous long day
And then Saturday just didn't go to plan either
So for me it was just a chilled one
Like I didn't need it
Yeah well yeah thanks for asking me Laura
But she knows you're travelling the world graphic mate
Well that's all it was I think you know Germany for work
I mean to be fair the part of Frankfurt that obviously
I wouldn't recommend going there
I think it was just we was on the wrong side of the train station
So it was just homeless people
It is man when you think of like
When you're going away you always think you're going to somewhere better as such
Well it's not necessarily
Yeah because especially when I went to Poland last year
Well Poland's got its sorted though mate
Yeah you know what I mean
But before going
I had scenes of Russia in my head essentially
That it was like when you see it on the films
It's cold, dark and just really old fashioned and stuff
But I went there and it was all beautiful
It was old fashioned buildings and stuff
But some of the architecture was fantastic
You thought it was like Euro trip
And the guy gives him a dollar and he goes
Now I buy my own hotel or something like that
Yeah that kind of thing
Because you automatically go to what you've seen on the TV don't you
Now I know there was places like the more old rural towns and stuff
But the main city centres that we went to was fantastic
To be fair I've had a few people say Poland's really nice
But they are looking after their own so to speak
Yeah yeah
But the hospitality was brilliant
They all spoke really well English as well
I think you have to now don't you
Because I think it is the world's language
So you do have to don't you
Yeah and it was so cheap as well
It really was
But yeah I'd recommend Poland
Just where we was in Frankfurt and I sat at home with people and that
And you know when it's just run down and not a litre of rat
Well to be fair no sorry there wasn't a lot of litter
There was a lot of broken bottles and stuff
But that was just fucking piss heads
And when we were walking to the job
Their version of the London Exile mess of the suit
For the train station there was a pub
And very morning it was half seven in the morning
And there was already six geezers outside
They were already beded up
Proper lads
Yeah so at first I thought they were just still there from drinking all night or something
But it's quite a big working through the night culture there as well
So obviously they'd finish work at say probably about five o'clock in the morning
Then they're having their beers before going to bed then
But yeah it was
I mean the most interesting thing of the part that we were in
Was finding Team Rocket's headquarters
Yeah yeah yeah
That's where they're hiding
Yeah I mean unless it's
Yeah, Vanya, Viz Pasha
Fuck you, load of wheezing's in there
But yeah unless there's anything else more interesting
It'll probably be the thumbnail for this week's episode
But yeah it's
Yeah I wouldn't have suggested that bit
The work itself was sound
But the
Because it's not illegal to smoke in the buildings over there as well
So I'm working away everyone's smoking around
And it was just weird, it was hot, fucking sweaty, no breeze in the venue and that
And then with people smoking around me
It was, I don't know if it was all the pubs and restaurants
But the Irish bar we was going to, you wasn't allowed to smoke in there
So I wanted to sit inside most of the time then when we was having a beer
Because that was my breakaway from everyone having to smoke
So yeah it was quite an eye opener
Considering how things are over in the UK where
Well they're trying to ban smoking even in the beer gardens now
I don't know how that's going to go down
And I saw it the other week, well I think it was last week
That they want to potentially close the pubs earlier as well
So say it would be like 10 o'clock instead of 12 o'clock closing the pubs
I did see that as well
That would be ridiculous but I think that would just encourage people to start drinking earlier then as well
Yeah and then going back to the house and drink carrying on
It's strange, I don't know what fucking Keir Starmer's trying to do to this country
But you know what he's trying to do, he's trying to fuck it up
Yeah, there's already talks about him wanting to, well not wanting to
About him having to step down because of things that he's already doing and suggesting
There's bookies favourites for who's going to take over
It's just ridiculous
Anyone I know about there's no good, literally it's just fuck, fuck
Is he four of yours here? It's four of yours isn't it?
Yeah
It's just fuck now, four of yours, that's it
All your money's going abroad
Yeah, to all the foreign aides and well to their offshore accounts as well
Yeah, they get backhanders from it, 20 grand
Wait
It was just, mate, go on sorry
I know, we're not a politics podcast either
I know I said before, they should have a point system for these politics
No, they should
Where? It's like if they say something and then they've gone against it
It's like a point here, so if you say if we're in charge, we're not going to do that
Then you do it
So you get to a point, it's the point where I say you've took 25 points
Because that's still, if it's two points for every
Sorry, there's just a big squirrel in the garden
Massive one
Yeah, I could have
That boy's going to get it there, kid
He loves it
They're just after it, send them squirrels
They're always so sketchy
Great entertainment for the people who send them as well
He was like, Dave, I'll bring that
He's from that school
It was a grey one
Yeah
No, so what I'm saying is if there's like two points deduction for everything you've said something and then went against
And then you've hit like 20 points, sorry
That's 10 things you've said you wouldn't do and you don't
Literally just
Well, just sacked or another
Election or something
Well, I have seen a lot of traction from the reform team
Well, party rather
And the making waves, you know, they're saying all the right things for everyone
Obviously, unless they actually do come into power, we're not going to know if it's true or bullshit
But you know, they just seem to be getting a lot more people on side now
I can see being an election sooner than the five year term
Just because of the way it's looking at the moment
And I'm dreading it because they're on about doing this pay per mile system
When I did a budget or whatever it is next month announcing that
Now I roughly did the math
Do you have a week on 10 people per mile?
I'd be looking at paying off an extra three grand a year
Because they'll get rid of the road tax and then you pay 10 people
The most after cap it's so long. So like anything
I don't think they will
But the one I do it because they're not earning off of people with electric cars
Because at the moment
But that was the three
Don't pay a road tax and because of that now they want to do this paper mile
But so I roughly did it off a 10 people per mile
What I'm seeing at the moment now is they're going to do it as 15 people per mile
But if they do something like that, then there's going to be riots
Because people aren't going to be able to afford to pay for it for starters
Because you think well, the road tax on my band
It's like 260 for 12 months
So if that's going to go up by 10 times
People aren't going to be able to afford that
So it would mean taxi fare goes up bus fares go up train fare will go up
Not that it needs to but they'll be like well we're going to put it up because everything else going up
Delivery fees will go up
Trains will go up and train strikes not earning off
Yeah and then yeah
It will mean food prices go up again
Literally everything will keep going up
But then the wage won't go up not to compensate either
So people are just right
It's going to be an absolute deadlock
I've not seen much movement regarding people talking about strikes or anything
But I can imagine things like what we did see in France with the farmers and everything
I can see being like that
So over the next couple of weeks as it starts getting closer to this
What would you or whatever the fuck it's going to be
Once more information comes out I reckon obviously people start to come out
I actually watched the
We are going to get back to the correspondence in a minute
I told you this is what we're going to do
I love it mate
You know considering it's
Correspondent asking what you did while I was away
I spoke about being away
Politics and squirrels
Right
Squirrels
Wow, that's a bit of a troll
I watched an interesting one the other morning
Basically saying how you can not pay council tax
Right
And he was given the full outside the video
Because to be fair the missus pays the council tax
So she ain't going to stop it
But for the logs of you it would be a good one to give you the information for it
Basically it's like you write a letter saying
I'm happy to pay my council tax
As long as you can prove that it's not going towards terrorist activity
Because
It's like
Something like 25p for every pound
Goes to
Foreign aid which is linked to making weapons
So like
7-7 which was a London bombing obviously 2007
That got linked back to money that we give
To like Yemen or something
That then made the weapons that they did the bombing with
We need to stop the ball she was sending money abroad
And then like everyone's out of pocket
Just like I said
To get everyone inside
They can just do one thing and everyone be like
I fucking love that I've got more money
But it's not even with the winter fuel allowance
So I don't know say it was 25 million
That they've cut off for the winter fuel allowance
Yeah and then send 2 billion abroad or whatever
It's an extra blow over to Ukraine or whatever it was
It's all fucking up
So yeah essentially if you say to the council
If you can prove that it's not going towards terrorist activity
Then I'll happily pay
And then because they can't prove that it's not
Because they can't even though I know we spoke about it before
So you get a letter
With a pie chart saying what it's going to
Basically the section on the pie chart says over
That's what it is that's the funds going overseas
And then the council tax doesn't even actually pay for
The police and the fire stations or anything
That's still given by the government
So yeah there's a big loophole
And this geezer was like yeah I haven't paid it for 4 years
That took me to court but then they couldn't prove anything
So yeah there's a lot of people that are going to stop paying it now
How much is your counter tax?
I don't know as I say the missus pays it so I really don't know
Because Aziz why not call it a bit actually
I think Aziz is like just under one folly a month now
Will you pay for the parish riding?
Obviously you've got a parish you can pay to keep that up to date
I imagine that's probably incorporated in Monk's
I've got the church at the end of the road
I've got another you know it's almost like a community centre
But in Jews there's a lot of church as well
Because that's a proper African church as well
Gospel
You see I mean the full dresser
I want to go to a gospel choir
Oh did you with Daniel back in the day?
Did you?
Mr Asa Devonsen
I want to do it like you know when you see like
Remember Barra?
Yeah
When like the tour kit and everyone's got their hand in the hair
And you see that one geezer running around the church
I want that and then like you know when they go
He's like I want to be played
And then like the deer and he's like
I want to go to something like that
Well I'll tell you now I expected that
And I didn't get it
Because I was like 14, 15 whatever
And I'm thinking yeah I'm going to go in
And I'm going to praise the Lord
And I'm going to have all the fucking singing and dancing
Nah just sat there
There's nothing I was so gutted
Obviously that was just that church that we went to
There is a lot of them that do it
So after politics
If I remember I'll put the link in the video description
For the video of how to go about not paying the counter tax
Because he's got his website on it
So for anyone that does want to check it out
Because you know if it is
I feel like my counter tax was 120 the last time I passed the missus
But I really don't know
But yeah it all adds up
It's a fucking lot of money
And if you can get away with not paying stuff like that
I only found out the other day
Milk used to be free
And gas and electric used to be free
I remember milk used to be free for babies
Milk used to be free for everyone
It was Margaret Thatcher that says you've got to start paying for milk, gas, electric
Everything
So it was all given for free
And then the way they started doing it was
You're just going to put these meters in
Just to help monitor what's being used
Whatever, make sure it's safe and stuff
And then they started charging
So yeah it was literally Thatcher that fucked it up
The iron loader
So yeah thanks for that whatsapp Laura
Thank you for that
We've got one from Noah
And he says, he's asked a very interesting question actually
So if you could make up a phobia to someone
To impede their lives
What would you choose?
Ok
So obviously there's a lot of weird phobias out there already
Of people scared of balloons and all sorts of things
So it's how much of a cunt you want to be really
Because you could completely ruin someone's life
And say it's a fear of cars
Or fear of doors
Yeah, they can't open a door or anything
They can't look at one
That would have just been darkness all the time wouldn't it
I'd probably go for something stupid like
Fear of chocolate cake
So they can't ever go to a birthday party
Just fucking
Oh cake, that was scary
Or the fear of the birthday sock
So the letter is just like
Anytime that comes on in your head
Never go to a Chinese buffet
You know what I'm saying, you're out eating in some kind of
birthday like
I think that one's a very good one
Just to fuck with them
Because you never know when it's going to happen
I'd say anything
I think that would be worse
Than doing one that's actually just going to ruin their lives
That they can't physically do anything
Something stupid like that
Yeah
Like a fear of children
There's not always children around
But every now and again you just keep walking
Shit, there's a child
And I'll just freak out
I think everyone's got a fear of teenagers
That are the man there, man
That's what I'm saying
So you've got that little fear
We've gone over it before
They all just lack the fear factor
They're not scared of anything for anyone
They just need a good slap
That's what it is
I'll tell you one person
That these kids should be scared of
And we did forget to bring up last week
Phillips Gophild
Right, he's made it come back, innit?
He's fucking back, innit?
What show was he on?
Channel 5
I'm sure they called it Cast Away
With Phillips Gophild
I've not watched any of it
I've seen a clip where he's ranting
They've taken everything away from me
And fucking all this shit
It's been a nonsense
I don't get him
How do you get a girl, marry her, have kids
Then you saw a gay boy?
I suppose probably because
He grew up in a time when it was different
And frowned upon
It's a lot of the cock in your bum
Because a lot of them didn't know
The trial to live a normal
I'm not going to quote it again
Normal to most people's beliefs
And views, whatever
Style of life
So it probably was just that
That he kind of always knew
And then just thought, no
I've got to fight the demons
I'm going to marry a woman
I'm going to live a proper life
And then once it stayed
Becoming more normal
I just thought, fuck it
I'm going to get a fashion jade
I'll have to set a camera up out there
It's just wildlife
Get some robins in as well, we do
Have you ever had any hedgehogs?
No, I haven't seen any
I haven't had a hedgehog
For a while
Then I know her
Years ago with my old dog
Because again
During the night in the warm weather
I believe the door was open
I was going to go out for a wish
I remember one morning
Got up, gone downstairs
Because normally
As dogs do, she'd get up
Come for a quick fuss and that
Before going out for a walk
She was just lying there
I didn't pay attention at first
I've done whatever
I'm getting my trousers on
Ready to take a ride
She didn't want to move
I've noticed
She's got a fucking hedgehog
And it was a big bastard as well
Like, I don't know
Half the size of a football
Well, pretty much like a book
We saw his ball essentially
He was massive
So
It was her new friend
Basically
Fucking gone into the kitchen
I've got the other mid-sale
So I've had to pick it up
We weighed a fair bit more
In the garden
She spotted me outside
Because she's like, what are you doing with my friend
So I've had to fucking usher her back in
Shut the door with my back
Because I'm holding this fucking hedgehog
And then place it back on the floor
And then just waited a couple of minutes
And watched him get up and wander off
It was that big
I don't know how he got into the garden
It was massive
He was too under
And the hedgehog
Wee
Tough fancy
So, yeah, thanks for that message, Noah
Yeah, cheers
So, are we going with the birthday song then?
For me, I'm going to go with the birthday song
You're going to go
Sort of, any kid
Oh yeah, I'll change it to kid
Yeah, I'll say kids
Because that's not
It's avoidable
You can avoid being around kids
Unless you're into them
Because if you wanted to be more
You could be like any song
When you hear someone singing
But you're singing
Or buskers would be a funny one
Because you wouldn't be able to go into a town center
Someone banging out
Something like that
What phobia would you
Give someone, Noah
That's what I want to know
But yeah, Phillips
Goffield
There's no need
You're not going to see
Hugh Edwards with a
Castaway show in 12 months
So I don't know why
Phillips Goffield
But I saw Eamonn Holmes
He had a massive rant about him
Is it GB News that he's on?
Yeah, I think he's on GB News
Yeah, but it's not one of the main ones
Now anyway, but the co-host
Who was presenting
The show with him anyway
She's tried to half defend
Phillips Goffield for a second
And Eamonn's just switched on that
Because he was along the lines of
You know, because you grasped him in
And he was all
No, I defended
The children that he was trying to
Abuse essentially
Just because he's
Got away with it
Essentially
You know, what he did was wrong
He groomed a child
And then just because he was above age
When anything's ever happened
Didn't mean it wasn't wrong and illegal in the first place
He proper kicked off
I thought fair play
He's sticking to his guns with that one
So
Yeah, stand back from those
Phillips Goffields out there kids
Unless you want to be
Nonspoil or something like that
Each to their own
You know, the mod won it
Right, so onto another one
Of a
OG correspondent
Kirstie, the old public booker
I bet she thinks I'm a rogue dickhead sometimes
Well, why don't you keep bringing it up, John?
So
She says, I saw a video of
Some woman eating mayonnaise
With a spoon as if it was ice cream
Made me feel sick
Got me thinking though
Have you got any strange
Meals or snacks that you eat?
Strangest I think I do
Is dip my
McDonald's fries in the milkshake
I've done that
I've never done that
I'll tell you what I used to do as a kid
I used to eat sugar from the bag
Sugar? I don't know why
I used to get like
Remember the big spoon
The little one
The little one's a teaspoon
The big one's a table
I used to get the teaspoon
Put it straight in my mouth
You know the sugar rush
You was basically having a dip dab
But just the sugar
No lollipops
Then straight outside
I used to have like
Come in, I'm playing
Back when the nuns used to only look out the windows
Not on the computer screens
Stabbing the wrong house
Had a wanky on the dirt
The dip dab didn't I
Everyone used to say
Every dip dab
Yeah
His name was fucking Dave as well
But yeah
Sugar
Any meals now that you do
That you're like or used to do
So one that I used to do
Because just as a young age
With mum working
Several jobs
After she divorced
With dad's
My sister would be out all the time
So I used to do super noodles
And I'd have
The smash
So instant mash that you just added hot water to
I used to mix it together
Then as well
It just tasted nice
I do like the mash bit I often do
The instant mash
Yeah because it just
Sometimes if you didn't mash it up right
Mix it up right and you can just get that little powder
And yeah
It used to be just nice
What I used to do a few years ago
I used to get crusty toast
And put brown sauce on it
Just brown sauce
So you'd already toasted the crusty bread
Did you butter it?
No
Sometimes put that and then do it
But then sometimes just brown sauce
Say I've had a full on English breakfast
Because I haven't
I don't know if it's like an autistic sort of thing
But I have
An order the way I eat it
Well most of me cook in meals to be fair
So
I'll start with cutting the bacon up
Beans on a piece of the bacon
Eat that
Some of it will have a bit of egg in that as well
Then
It'll go around
And last bit
I'll have the yolk of the eggs
Have that with the sausages
So you know I'll cut the sausage into four
Cut the yolk into four
Fucking eat it
So then I'm left with
All the bean juice and the egg-yolk juice
And toast
Fucking yap it all up there
Because that's what the toast is there for
To fucking get it all in
So yeah if there's bean brown sauce on the side
I've got the toast
Scooped it up
But I've never
Just put brown sauce on it
Like into jam or something
So like when we used to go to this little
Cafe by work
One of the lads used to just have crusty toast with brown sauce
So I have every comp
It was used to sometimes just come and pull it sometimes
But then I started doing it in the house
Yeah I haven't had it for a while
But that was probably the oddest thing actually
Well again keeping on the weird
And since we've not mentioned him
I'll miss the Arthur the Huncy
He showed me one when we were kids
So instead of toast
Buttery bread
Whacking the microwave
So it was soggy buttery bread
Mate it was amazing
Yeah like
It's just warm buttery bread
Because obviously the microwave
Doesn't toast it
It just makes it
Well it got soggy because the butter's already on it
And yeah
I don't know why he
Used to do it originally because they had a toaster
But he showed him how
And I fucking had it and it was nice
You know the one thing that I do and I'm an absolute tank for doing it
I eat two biscuits at a time
No so
So look I get the chocolate
And chocolate touch it
So like I said I like a joydastic chocolate
Why not do it all the way round?
Because you want the chocolate touching your tongue you get more flavour
Just so it doesn't go in my hand
It's like a sandwich
You don't need to eat it slowly
I inhale them
That's my problem
But like two at a time just bam
Fucking tank
I did do it
Not for a long period but I did
At some point eat two biscuits at a time
But then I thought hang on go for the biscuits too quick
I want to enjoy these biscuits
Can you just tank through a whole pack of biscuits?
Oh yeah
I do it too, look sometimes it's too easy
I'm like what the fuck have I just done
Yeah I bought a pack
Of dark chocolate digestives
McVity's ones the other day
Well probably about two weeks ago
Because they were on sale
And uh
I've managed to
Eat the pack
In thirds
Because I'd easily eat a half pack
And then because you don't know how many
Biscuits are in the pack
It's hard to judge how many is half
So I had a couple more
Last night
And I was like well that's about another third
And there's about a third left
So I've managed to be good
With that, right I can't just have
A little chocolate bar
And just have one or two chunks
It's got to be fucking the whole lot
You know, even um
The little snack biscuits
So it's like a digestive
Rats in chocolate
They're literally called
Snack, bourbon and yellow
So the ones that I bought
The other week, they come as like a little
Two pack and they're only little squares
Like an after eight size
One pack's not enough is it
So three packs like that
Only six in a pack
I don't know anything about that
Fucking
Well I can't, well again
Because it's getting to that time of the year now
When people are starting to look at the quality streets
And the tins of roses and that
And then as usual you'll get some
Selection boxes and
Chocolate bars and that for Christmas
I can't just have
A little bit of a booking bar
That's why I try not to get
Biscuits and chocolate and stuff
I just came through
It's not quite for you, gotta be helpful
Get the celebrations out, I will just sit there
Hit them in order
I always have an order so it's like
I'll have a Bounty Twix, whatever
And keep going down that order and just leave the Mars bars
So you leave the Mars bars
You hate the bounties
I like a good Bounty, I hate Mars bars
Strange
Do you not like bounties? Nah
I remember eating one
When I was a kid and just
Not growing up, but just
Our bounties are nice
You know what else is nice? I know I've mentioned before
Drifters, remember a good fucking Drifter
Give me a fucking Drifter
Get any of a week
Got some caramel sticks
Just twixies
With a little bit of a tiner
Again, got two packs
Because of that small
So I'll have four single twixies
Fucking, gotta be good
I just can't do it, just can't have
A little bit, have a laugh
So
I don't even know how you got on to that
Is Kirstie asked about
Strange foods, yeah
So thank you for that Kirstie
Yeah
I mean I suppose
Probably just because I have done it, but
Dipping the fries in the milkshake
I don't think that's too bad of one really
It's got salty
Fries and then the sweetness of your milkshake
Just a nice little
One of them
Weird balances
I don't know what
Problem was, but they did a lot of
Weird food combinations
So like with a slice of apple
Put your salt and pepper on it
Or maybe just pepper
Makes it taste better
There's some little fruit thing as well
That like, you eat that
And it flips
Your taste buds around
So essentially
You're eating and then you can eat a lemon
As if it's an orange
So you don't have any of that sourness
And that
I don't know what it's called, obviously all the prep
Is always on this podcast
And we've got an interesting question
Again now, from Miles
He's asked
Do you ever think that you're being
Followed slash spied on?
No, not with my life mate
No
After the Truman show
I used to think sometimes
Is that based on me?
I think everyone did though
Where have I got this story from?
And look at like
My mum and dad and thought, no, they don't advertise
Any good food
And you wasn't living the perfect life
No, no, shit life mate
So no, that's how I found out
I think
I think they'd have to really try
And be good at the job to spy on me
Because
I notice when there's a car
That's like been doing the same
Roost as me for you know
Longer than two minutes, I'm like
Why are they following me?
They've been following me for three minutes now
What's going on?
I suppose
It's just because I'm always aware
Of like surroundings and that
You know, I'm always looking on the floor
In case someone hasn't picked up the dog shit
Always looking around
Making sure there's not an electric car
That I can't hear as I'm about to cross the road
So I don't get run over
By a fucking electric nonce
Yeah, so I think
I think they'd have to
Be doing a real good job
I suppose, you know, I have had it
Where I thought I'd been spied on
I've been accused of being a
Spying on a secret agent as well, haven't I?
You told the story on the pot
I don't know what episode it was
But just that weirdo sitting in his car
What are you spying on me for?
I'll press this and it lights up red
Means you're listening to me
Fuck it, we're having a conversation, aren't we?
Yeah
Again, I suppose
Because you're always getting
Followed or spied on
Yeah, and they're gonna do it
They're just gonna know, they can track you
And they're gonna put that on your phone anyway, can't they?
Yeah, I think the only main way
They'd be able to do it is
If it's one of these people
That we say is getting the bin with
When they're holding the phone up
And talking to it instead of holding it next to their ear
So if they're pretending to talk to it
And they're recording your ear
I suppose that's the only way that
I wouldn't obviously notice
Then again, I do notice them a lot
Because I think, why aren't you holding it next to your ear?
Fucking phone
They'd call it a face if you were
Meant to hold it and print your face
Fucking hell, I hate people
Not all you lovely listeners
I just hate people in general
Fucking weirdos
Maybe
I know it's
Gonna be the future anyway, Lopo
If you've seen the new
Video demonstrations
For these headsets
Who's the fucking
Facebook geezer
What's his name
Mark Zuckerberg
Because they launched that meta universe
The other year or whatever
So the new one that he's launching now
It's these glasses
That
They've got the hologram
System built in
So we could be sitting here right now
And we can play fucking cars
Ready player what?
Because they have another
Soon everything's going
Yeah, but it's literally
So you can still see
I can have them on now
But then I can fucking
Have Jeff sitting next to us as well
You'd be like
Messing with your eyes because obviously
It's pulling you in two different directions
I know it's in front of you
But obviously it's
For you to put your hand in front of your eyes
It's kind of like you are breaking up
But I can feel my weak or eyes straining
I imagine you would do
I suppose
I'd have to incorporate
Different strengths and prescriptions
Or whatever
But yeah, it was literally like the demonstration
He's sitting there, he pulls up
A text message on his phone
And I don't know why, but he's doing hand gestures
And that's responding
It's not like there was a keyboard
And he was talking on the keyboard
He literally says you can program hand gestures
To reply
I could be still talking to you
Reading text message on my fucking glasses
And just, I don't know, do fucking sign language
And I'd reply
Yeah, okay, put the dinner in the oven, bitch
We know that's not true
I'm the chef in my house
But yeah, it's just weird
Like
It's a mad time that we live in
Because
For our generation, we've grown up
With the best to be at the blockbuster
And all that, and proper game systems
Being playing out on the street
We're growing into
The future as well, where these
Like these things are gonna be
The norm, you know, in 10 years time
Or something, you know, cyberlink
And whatever that people are gonna have injected
Into their fucking heads
We're just gonna be like, oh, just give us
A 3310 back, please
You know what I find fascinating
That, and I don't know if everyone's
It's the fact like, you know, you've got an email
You just connect to like a random printer
That's pretty near, via Bluetooth
And you can just print
And it knows
Like even though it's on my emails
And downloads something, you know, like a return form
Or parcel
I always find that mad
Because it's not connected
I don't know why that always blows my little finger
I think that again, like what I just said
Because we grew up, you had to have a physical cable
From the PC
The desktop, not a fucking laptop
So it's a physical cable
To the printer to be able to
Eat, send the data
Because literally, when I have anything to print out
And I do that work with printer work
Literally just sitting in the kitchen
Just connect to it and just print it all out
It's just mad
It's crazy times we're living, to be fair
You know, it's like
We're
We're getting there but we're not there
We can see where
Not society wants us to be
What everyone's vision is with this metaverse
And we're just on the beginning of it
So I think yeah, because we're in the middle
Or it seems like the middle to us at the moment
And I don't know, in the next
Four or ten years, things are just going to be
So far ahead
I always think of cars when I think
Of technology
So like if you have like a 14 play car now
And then you have like
A 24 play
In ten years that
Has just come along so much
Digital cockpit
Everything's done by touch
It's where it used to be the old doors and everything
You know, ambient lighting
Everything, just
Speech, I know we had the speech thing probably
Did it? Maybe, but you get what I'm saying
Like, that progress is
Really quick and I always go after that
And there's me, I ain't even got
Electric windows or more of that
So yeah
But like, you get what I'm saying
The jumping it to every ten years in cars
Is just
It would have felt like
What's the next big thing going in a car
Like obviously someone's like, let's get that in there
Again
It's hard to imagine what else they can do
But there will be something though, I know
Yeah, yeah
I mean, I suppose
The next main thing is probably going to be
The self-driving
So I know they've already got it with Teslas
He's a possibility
I think my
Car's got that
Probably as well
On my car it's got options called driving
So when I'm on the motorway
I have the cruise control on
It's got like a little icon on my car
Then when I indicate, the lane will go
Green
So I don't know if the car will turn itself
Or I have to turn it
Because if I try to turn my
Car over like I would say, like on a two-lane
Carriageway
If I don't indicate to go
Around the car, the steering wheel is trying to pull me back
Yeah
So I would like to think
It doesn't do it by itself, I indicate and I turn
The wheel, but like it just lets
Me know when it's green I can
Move along into the lane
I think that's all it is at the moment because it's saying
Green is safe, you can go
But I've never tried it, I've always wanted to try
When it's quiet, just to see what
But like, I haven't gone around in it
Nah, I think
If you, when you get to that kind
Of point, you know, because again
Your car's got the automatic parking and all that
As well as any, you know
I think when you rely on stuff like that, then there's no point
The thing that my car's got
That I've like, who uses this option
Enter
So it's got
So it can parallel park itself
It can park into the bay itself
Or it can exit the bay itself
Now who has trouble
Oh mate, I've seen a lot of people
When I was on the phone too
With that learner driver
Oh my god
So he's banging the left
Then obviously he's coming to like
He took the
The road so wide
He's like almost coming to the curb on my side
Which is the wrong side
I couldn't believe it, and the driving structure
Just turned him to point, like no mate, get in
If there's a car or anything coming down
Just get him off the road
He's not ready
I was beyond one the other day
And it's not the learner
That I blame for stuff like this
It's the instructor
Because I'm behind
It's a 30 road
So they should be telling them to go
But he kept
What I'm saying here, the learner just kept
Dropping down to 20
And then they'd be like
Oh shit, I've got to speed up
So they'd quickly get up to the 30
So it's just
As the instructor, you just need to say
Just speed to the 30, just pay attention
Because they're obviously not paying enough attention
They're trying to
Complicate it in the red zone
Just pay attention to your speed
And just stick to it
It's the instructors a lot of the time
A lot of them just fucking pulling out
And saying, stop being a dickhead
Do your job, stop fucking rinsing off
I always think as well
When it comes to driving
And I don't know why no one's ever thought of this
Maybe it's when you take a crash course
And you're in a city
Where, you know like
I don't know, like an old racing track
That doesn't get used anymore
Put a line in the middle of that
And anyone that wants to learn
Just drive around the track
Make it a bit more city-like
With lights and everything
Couple cones, pro work
Just push people
People just standing there, high B's on
High B's on, yeah
Like 20 cones, one light for like
On the pavement
Couple of leds there
But I always think that, just fucking
Just get them out of the way
Move them there for an hour
Go off the road
I think they have to have them on
The normal roads for the experience
And not pay for the ride
Yeah, but I mean like the first few lessons
Like you know, use discies
So they can get up to speed, so that way there's no worries
By going up to third, because if you crash
Just going up on the track or anything
The filters used to do that, just go into lock and has the car parked
On a Sunday morning when it's empty
But I think these days
They don't now, just because
They can just get extra lessons out of them
When they're panicking
When I used to live somewhere else
I saw this girl
In a Honda Jazz
Honda Jazz
A few of them around born there
And I seen her
I have lessons she passed
I seen her trying to parallel park
Into a parking spot
For a lot of 10 minutes
I was watching out the window
I was just like, what is she doing?
So you know normally if you want to
Get into a parking spot, you parallel park it back
So you drive to the car, you reverse it
She's turning in
And her ass is sticking out
I couldn't believe it, she ended up going like that
So
To explain it
She's drove into the parking spot
Within 10 minutes her car was facing the other way
Purely from trying to
I don't know how long, I could not believe it
It is shocking
How so many people
Can't do the basics
And have got that license
Even again the other day
I've gone to us that
As always
I'm getting out the van after
Take my headphones out or
Take my phone off charge, whatever
Just get stuck to get out
And so as I'm doing that
The car
Has pulled into a spot in front of me
But
That much on the piss
The back left was over the left
And the front right
Was over the
Right back
And I've got out, because I was getting out anyway
And his skis have started to get out
His part, I went, you're not leaving
All that are you mate?
He's like what? I said, come on mate
Just use your brain, have a look
I don't know what you're on about
He said, look at your car
He's already standing in the right back at this point
Fair enough, he's lucky there's no cars parked next to him
But that's
It shouldn't be, because there's cars parked there
You can park
Just fucking pull him properly
And I was just shaking
I was like, mate you can't keep parking
That's horrendous
And he just fucking shook his heads
And then I went into the booth or whatever
And I just walked off
I'm not arguing
I've just got a point today
It's just stupid, you can't park like that
It's fucking horrendous
I suppose
Because
I'm so particular about how I park
And making sure that I'm in the
Lines, because if I park
On the piece, it's more likely someone's going to hit my
Vehicle then
So I like to make sure it's roads
And then with the missus, when she first passed
I made her
Reverse parking
Learn how to reverse park properly
And she can't
She'll struggle parking forward now
Because I've got it
Into the reds, you've got to reverse parking
You've got to know how to do it
And yeah I suppose
Just because of stuff like that, I have to make sure
It's proper roads
Just being a perfectionist as well
Being a proper driver
Real
They were
We just
We just rattled on
That comes from, are you being followed
And spoiled on? I don't know
We get to these places sometimes
But from
One strange extremity
To another
Got a little fucking ghost story
In it, aye? We love it mate
If anyone does have ghost stories
Or UFO or strange stories
Just anything fucking strange
Have you seen
Bigfoot lurking in your back garden
Or one of them
Aliens peeking over the fence
Looking through your window, want to know all of them?
Now I wasn't sure how to
Announce this moment already
So I don't know if it's Brie or Bray
B-R-E-I
That's Bray
I'd imagine so
Let's go with Bray
If I speak to pronounce wrong I do apologise
The start, the
Total and everything
Talking and sounds when I'm home
Alone
So, set in the sense
Yeah
The story starts back in 22
So, 2022
Home alone
And I heard a cart move
I don't know what cart is
Inside the house
But
I heard something move
I was terrified and froze
And from what I remember
I had seen one
Of the air ducts open a little bit
So, again
I'm assuming this is
It's one of them isn't it?
So, Ashley's pointing to
A little
So, on the windows in the UK
There's little
Bents that you can open up on the windows
I feel like this is
More American
Where it's like a blow heating system
Because obviously
The UK doesn't have
Aircon where
America and that
Oh yeah, so one of them
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What you see in the movies where people normally
And they're always clean
Yeah
Right, and then you've got the ones on the floor like that
Yeah, yeah, yeah
More like America
And the names a bit American
Bri
Bri Larson
Miss Marvel
Yeah
So, we've got the picture now, we've got the air ducts
One of them have moved
Yeah, open a little bit
After this though
Nothing comes out of the ordinary
Until now
Fast forward to the beginning of September
When I would be
At my PC
I would be, I would hear
Beeping all my fridge opening
Every time I checked it out
Nothing was there
Now to October the 2nd
So only a couple of days ago
I was at my PC
On my phone
And I heard what sounded like a little girl
Saying hello
I don't know if
To say it that well, I did that for a dramatic
Effect
And I checked the cameras
And didn't see anything
But it came from one of the rooms
I didn't have a camera
So I locked myself in my room
To be safe
As I was writing this, I heard footsteps
And the light switch being flipped
The
Encounter has ended
But I am hearing
Sounds
Other people in my family can't hear
I am also seeing
Weird things in mirrors
I don't know if these things are
Real or if I'm going
Insane
I will update this if anything else happens
That's a bit strange isn't it
With a, it's more the
The, the hearing someone
The little girl go hello
Hello
That would scare, that would
Imagine that though, you run your PC on your phone
You just, hello
Like you would be like, fuck yeah
I think there's a different approach
If you, if you was in your PC
On the hub, as you do
Whenever you get the laptop out, you're always on the hub
Because you're alone
Because if you're alone, you're a male, you're on the hub
Just before you
Other porn sites available
Just before you're about to search for your criteria
We don't discriminate
Big black cats
She-males
Whatever floods your bones
Midgets
What do you midget porn on
Yeah, literally anything
And then you're hearing a noise
What sounds like a hello
Or just a blown hello
From a child
What are you doing so
Firstly, wondering who's that
Kids in the house
I ain't got no kids
Yeah, you just fucking panicking
You're putting your cock away straight away
Because you're thinking of the kid in the house
What the fuck was that
I've done it enough times because
As you quite often do
You start like deep diving
You're flicking through TikTok and that
And then these ghost videos start coming on
I was talking about deep diving in porn
Always deep diving in that, mate
Balls deep diving
In my hand
But yeah, you'll be scrolling through
The ghost videos and that
And then you do, you start
Playing the tricks in your own mind
All the little movements
That lights flickering and stuff
Again, because we've moulded bedroom windows
Across the field
There's like an industrial estate
Or something
And the lights run throughout the night
So as the trees are moving with the wind
The lights do from shadows
In the bedroom and that
I've got used to that
Yeah
I suppose yeah
I'd just be fucking getting off from like
What the fuck, who's in the house and that
What Bree said about seeing stuff in the mirrors
I wonder if that's just like a corner of your eye
You know like when you think you saw something
You know what I mean
Well yeah
If you was
Brushing your teeth, looking in the mirror
And then you think you see it
Yeah
Again, because with my bathroom
My mirror
Shines, reflects straight
Into my bedroom
So if I saw something move
It would most likely just be
Like what just said, because of the light shadow
From the estate over the way
But otherwise if it wasn't that
Then someone's in the bedroom
So yeah
I'd have to fucking go in
Start throwing fists there
I think that's what we got
And I know I've said it before
The thing that pisses me off about ghosts
Once us, when they see or hear
Anything, they run away and I'm like
Mate, just fucking run
So that's why when we do one
We hear a noise, I'm being like
Ahhhh
You know what I mean now
And then you take the dildo out your arse
I wanna be like, where was that
And if you fucking go
Get out
You gotta be like, oi, this is what I'm here for
Come here, get on camera
Because unless the ghost
Then picks up a knife
And then comes out, yeah
It's not gonna do anything
A little roadman, like roadman
Ghost, fucking up
Trying to shank you
That's when you run there
That's when you're like, ahhh
The roadman ghost
Isn't gonna catch ya
Because they can't run with the ghost
Jogging bottoms all the way down their ankles
And the ghost boxers hanging out
And the lamp hatch
But no, please keep us updated
We do wanna fucking know
You've got a haunted
House
We are assuming it's America by the
Air ducts and everything
So yeah, do keep us updated
With that
And now we shall go on to
The confessions
Oi son
Oi
I don't know why it cracks me up every time
Right
Now I haven't read these
So I'm gonna try not to laugh
I'm trying to
But sometimes it just
Right
I'll read the first one
Again, briefly read the second one a little bit
But I'm trying to keep the natural reaction
Right
Come on, Bob Rash
Bob Jadie
Confession
I met a girl on Tinder
Felt a little bit catfished
But that's normal to be fair
So true by the way
So I was getting to know each other
On the day she said she'd play Sunday
League
And proceeded to invite me to the game
The next morning
I agreed and got there
While before kick off to see her
Warming up
The game started and I realised she was paying
Center back
Wait
I agreed and got there
While before kick off to see her
Warming up
Right, right, right, sorry, sorry
I agreed and got there while before
Kick off to see her warming up
The game started and I realised she was playing
Center back in a 4-4-2 system
I was initially taken back
But tried to push through
I reached my limit when she won a header
From a corner
Wait, wait
I reached my limit when she won a header
From a corner
I reached my limit
When she won a header from a corner
Bacon seeded
I waited for half time to make a swift exit
Like no other platforms
100% ghosted
I'm sorry
But any time it's like
Center back 4-4-2 system
Tin cat, like come on
I mean straight away
When you hear about
A center back
You're not thinking that it's a good looking lady
Well I've got a question for you
Right
So let's just say
You was on the market
You're in the dating game these days
And the lady
Says she plays football
What position would you want her to play?
Striker
I don't know why
Because she always scores
There we go, yeah
Yeah
Right, yeah
I reached my limit when she won a header
From a corner
Yes, they can see the corner
She's won the header, she's Harry Maguire-ed
That's it, she's literally
It just
I mean
Whoever put, you know, confession to serious
Obviously, it did tell the story
I do apologize for life
You know when there's Tinder
Catfish, Sunday League
4-4-2 system, center back
You can see it like honestly
It's a proper Sunday League
Old school formation
4-4-2
So yeah
You know, just ditching it half time
And that'll fucking
Mate, I'm just sorry, I've just seen like
A skunk on the second one, I've gotta try not
To fucking laugh on this one
Right
I only briefly read a little bit
So I'm looking forward to this one, mate
Right
But to the first one
You're not forgiven
You need to attend
The rest of the season
Of the females
Of the 4-4-2
And try and get with their center back
I think that's what you need to do
To relieve yourself of those sins
Know how it may or is
Just center backs
Does he mean if they're playing a 4-4-2 system, no, J?
No, the center backs in every formation
They're all gonna be
Fucking the same, ain't they?
Right
Next confession please
Father Ash
A few days ago, I started a job
At a home and the owner's wife
Is 28
And smoking hot
Well, she left me alone in the
House and I went through her panty drawer
It had so many
Fungs, I decided to take
Seven of them home with me
To jerk off with
She even had a few toys
In her drawer
I will return a few fungs
When I go back after the holidays
Today will be saturated
With my dried club
I also ordered her
A stainless steel upload
Which I will put in the back of a drawer
For her to find someday
I hope she will use it
So
Right
So
This reminder of like
American boy 2
You know when they work on the house
And they see that is he like a dildo
And the two girls come back
Yeah and then the
Magma kiss and that
So he is going to take
He took seven
Of the fungs home with him
To jerk off with
I wonder why he chose seven
One day of the week
I was thinking it was his
Favourite number or something
But then why is he just having one
Wank of that
Well
Then the fact that he is going to
Take them back
With his dry club
It is just asking to be caught
Like
Yeah like worth these
And then why a stainless steel
He did say stainless steel
Stainless steel yeah
Maybe that is why it is done nowadays
You would imagine that to be colder
Wouldn't you
But he is not the one using it
But maybe he logs the four of them
I mean mate let's be honest
He is a strange guy
I must say he is doing anything wrong
He definitely is
Well yeah it is theft
No it is not theft
He is just returning them
So he is borrowing them
They have got common don't they
If you are going to borrow something you have to return it
But then he is bringing a
Stainless steel book plug
So really she is gaining as well
But I wonder if she is going to
Enjoy the book plug
Stainless steel or not
She has got all her toys
In the drawer
But I am wondering if there are book plugs
In there as well and that is why he has got her
A new one
I mean stainless steel is that
Dishwasher safe I don't know
I suppose it is
Because nogs and forks are not any
Long same material
I just yeah
I mean so many questions here
But what would you want him to do for our project
Jadon?
Wash the f***ing f***s for starters
I think the next load that he
The next load that he steals
Before giving them a new load
I think he should wear them
While he is working there
Right
He is probably doing that to be fair
What I like about the two confessions
One he is so
In the dark
And two confessions
One he is so English
And one so American
The 442 system
F***ing up
To jerking off
Each to their own
We are not here to judge
Yeah
I don't want you to
Directly answer this now
Four
Which one four sorry
For the second one I am just wondering
Is he the kind of person that orders
The used knickers and panties and that
From these websites as well then
Well it looks like he doesn't have to
Just goes for this
When he is starting a job
You know
Yeah but say he is the one using
Have you ever done that
Wait you mean
Going through someone's knickers rules
Yeah pretty much
I don't mean like have you
Took them off and joked them off mate
Like in to them then took them back
Have you ever went through someone's
No you know when you are in a house
No I have never gone through
Any of the drawers
Or anything
I did have
A former work colleague that did
Do that
So it was on the counts where he was
And
So his nickname
Was Scouse because he was a Jordan
I thought so
No he was a proper fucking Liverpoolian
Probably fucking James
His dad
No no because James had a proper Scouse
But yeah
He used to call me
Electrical because I used to wear me
Combat trousers and obviously just
Green short orange man
I am not green the trousers are green
Thanks for clarifying
Well you know some of the listeners need to know
That I am not a green person
I am very much white
Not saying that in a racist way
But I am not just that many white ginger man
So anyway
On a job
Doing the rewire
I am downstairs in the kitchen
He is upstairs the woman is just
Like nicked out to go to the shop
So he starts shaking me
He is all coming out
So I have gone to the bottom of the stairs
He is standing at the top
He is in
Barreling panties
Waving a dildo above his head
So he has got this person
Out of his work clothes
And put on this ladies
Lausurer
And he is holding her dildo waving it above his head
Yeah
As soon as I have seen this
Fucking Scouse
He wasn't really a good looking man anyway
But as soon as I stood there
I started to laugh
The doors opened
Luckily it was our foreman
He is literally
Locked up
Guys put your fucking clothes on
It was only two minutes earlier
The woman left out the front door
To go to the shop
So obviously your arse goes straight away
Because you have been bashed by a purse
He was a funny character anyway
He would help himself to the food
At the bridge and shit
To have the balls
Not just to put into her knickers
But to fully get stripped out
Of your clothes
And put the whole fucking set on
Purple probably would have looked like that
I can't remember what she looked like to be honest
I just remember him wearing
A big pink dildo
It would have caused some damage mate
Not just to the fucking pussy as well
You hit someone over the head with that
Fucking out cold
So yeah, I've never done it
I've got more cup of tea
I wonder if he
Purchases the used
Laundry and stuff
I know some people do
And the tights don't they
It's a big thing in Japan
Is it Japan or China?
I think it is Japan isn't it?
You can bend the machines, you can use knickers and that
Fucking weird
Do you want to sniff
Pussy knickers and that
Fuck the rumblings mate
But like we said before, we're missing the trick
We should be selling socks and fucking stuff
And making a bit of extra side motion
I mean I don't know how much
Of a pair of dirty socks
Don't fucking advertise it as ours
You know, pretend
That we're a female
And then look
It's the woman that's wearing the socks
Yeah, I think we should start doing it mate
Yeah, only Dan's
So yeah, we've
There was still a couple of
Correspondents but we've
Smashed over and over again
Yeah, we can't keep going on about all this
Oil shit
We've gone on too many tangents today
But that's what they're here for
The lovey, that's why they keep coming back
And coming in fucking customers knickers
We shall
Crack on with them
We'll carry on
We've got some
What's wrong with you
We've got some of them rattled out with next week and that as well
So we will continue the ones that we didn't do this week
But as always
Keep sending them in
We appreciate it, send some more confessions
We need some more
Go stories
Just anything we're doing
Any more questions
I think that phobia one to be fair
Anything weird, strange, funny
Like that
And how long have you been doing this now? About 18 months?
No, a bit longer
Yeah, because I think it was
February 23
When we started
Still waiting for that one email to say
Used to ush you
Well, James has definitely said it
Yeah
Danny G
Again, was he just slagging me off
I think he was slagging you off, mate
He was a dickhead anyway
What have we done these days
Again, we did have that
YouTube comments as well
That we get on on the YouTubes
To be fair
I haven't checked YouTube to see if we've had any more
Comments
But yeah, if you want to go on the YouTube and drop the
Comments and that as well
We're for all of you want all of your interaction
We want you to send any
Little thing you want
So yeah
We shall leave it there
Peace!
So sly, their chemistry's electric
You can't deny