Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Real Talking Podcast with your hosts
Ash and JD. So, I thought I'd start off with something that's just annoyed me. The weather's
not too good outside. I know the other week we moaned about it was too hot, but it's not
too cold or anything, it's just raining. And I don't care about the rain, it doesn't bother
me. What bothers me is how everyone forgets how to drive in the rain and the snow. I'm
not discriminating against the rain, you know, it happens with the snow as well. But literally,
fair enough, there's a lot of surface water on the motorway. So, I understand not everyone
wants to go at 70, but if you're not going to go at 70, why not be in the left lanes
like you're supposed to be? I literally spent at least two minutes in lane one, so as you
know, the M6, four lanes for the majority of you. So, I'm in lane one and undertook
countless cars because they were in two, three and four, doing at lot 50 to 60. And I'm at
70 in lane one. No one, like I'm looking in the mirror, no one's pulling into the lane
behind me afterwards thinking, oh yeah, I should be in the left lane. But why are they
doing it? They're just fucking morons. It really does annoy me. These people have a
license and don't know what to do. They just shouldn't be on the road.
The worst when it's not raining and they're still doing that.
Yeah, you know, obviously these fucking space cadets are doing that on a regular. They're
just middle lane hoggers and I continuously see these signs over it saying, always keep
to the left when not overtaking. And you see people just ignoring it as well. Just completely
oblivious. And then as I've got off the motorway, this donor has fucking come from the road
lane to carry on on the M6 all the way across to get off at the junction. So he's put in
front of me. Yeah, he put his indicator on, but he done it late so he's over the boy lines.
And then as I'm going around and around about, he's dawdling. So I've overtook him, but I've
got in the lane still to go for my exit. And as I've looked, he's on his phone. So he's
on a holder, he's tapping away on it. And he knew that I saw him. So I slowed down because
I was going to give him a roll round and he's quickly put his hand down. He's not touching
his phone now. So I'll just give him a quick flag, like one cap and I pulled off. And so
he must have been readjusting his sat nav on his phone because even though he's in the
left lane, he's decided to do a full U-turn on the roundabout then as well. I know sometimes
we'll take the wrong exit or whatever, but you know, it's not hard to just follow, especially
if it wasn't a hard junction to be at. You know, you're on a motorway, it's not telling
to go off, stay on the motorway. If you've got off and you're confused, it will tell
you to go straight back on immediately. People are just idiots. Warm me up. Really grown
as more gears. So I kept eating soil for a little bit because obviously I've been here
for a little while doing more graft in this house of yours.
Yeah. But no, just going back, it is annoying on the motorway when people just doesn't,
well, don't pull over when you're behind it. It just, and there's the room, you don't
know on the take up and it's like, you don't want to, but you have to sometimes. And as
I said, it's the worst when it's not raining. So I remember, I can't remember where, wherever
he's going and two cars. So slow line, middle line doing 60, none of them's moving ahead.
I was literally just, yeah. And it's just sort of, what he's doing.
So the missus calls it lorry wars when they're trying to overtake each other. Oh yeah. Because
once the hit lock a bit of an incline, one will go faster than the other, but then they
get back onto a level surface and they're both doing the exact same speed. And neither
of them will just look either step back to go back in front of each other or whatever.
They just stay at the same speed. And the M 42 when he, once you get, I don't know what
the junction number is, but when it goes down to two lanes, when you're heading up to Tamworth
and that anyway, that's one of the worst motorways. I don't know why it's so class as a motorway,
but yeah, it's two lanes and they're always overtaking each other. And again, there's
signs at certain parts aside, no overtaking for lorries and yet they still do it. And
my brother's one of these dickheads, he actually does it and he's openly admitted. He barely
even looks in his mirror. He just whacks on the indicator app and if he's got enough room,
he pulls out. Obviously meaning the driver in the right lane has to slam on the brakes.
He doesn't care, he's a lorry wanker. So it's just really is a nuisance. So I've just had the van
fixed injector problem, whatever it was. So I had no power essentially struggling to get to like 55,
60. So I was staying in the left lane all the time and I'd still be undertaking people.
I just don't get, if your car can go up to the speed, I'll get it. If you're trying to
conserve fuel on a long trip, but most of these people aren't, they're doing the same 10 mile
trip on the motorway every day. So they don't need to conserve the fuel. If you can do 70 comfortably,
do it. Or at least 65 and just stay in the left. Read the road properly, understand when you're
about to overtake and it's fine. I always feel if you can't do 64 or 70 on the motorway, you
should maybe not just go on the motorway and just take the I-roads and just avoid motorways
altogether. Cause you probably be there at about the same time, how slow you go in. Yeah. Cause
it's, especially when there's less to do on the motorway, look, all you gotta do is just keep at
your speed and just make sure you're not going to hit into someone as you're overtaking, changing
lanes and just pay attention to the other cars. Oh, a day about to hit on the brakes, or better
be active in case this happens. No, it's not hard. No, it's not. And no, when I drive on the motorway
and I can see it's like whatever motorway I'm on, I can see it's pretty empty. I just whack on cruise
control. So much more is now out. Just, just that's it. And it's left line, takeover, cut back in.
If I need to go into the fast line, do it, cut back in. Yeah. It's really not hard. I do find it a bit
more easy to switch off when it is in cruise control though. Cause you, you find that you're not
paying as much attention because you're not touching the pedals for any reason. Oh, not that I drove
the worst car often, but cause that's got the cruise control and I'll do it. I'll whack on cruise,
I'll stick it on. And then because you, when I'm driving motorway, I'm always paying attention to
what speed I'm doing as well as looking at everything else. So you're a bit more aware
of the cruise control. The amount of times you just, you literally do just so now and then you're like,
oh shit, I'm here now. No, cause yeah, I think it's cause all you have to do is really just focus on
what's, you know, just the current front end, just if you need to just indicate, there's nothing more
to it than that. It makes it too easy. And you think of all these Teslas and that, no, where they
literally are self driving. So all you can do is just sit there, put your destination in, press go
and it goes. It's mental. So it's, and they actually work on the UK motorway. Oh, I don't know,
to be honest. Cause I know I've seen videos obviously in the US, Hololays. I haven't really
seen no one cause I assume you still could have your hands on the wheel. Well, I think it has a
function. You have to touch the wheel log every four seconds or so. So it knows it like you've
not fallen asleep. So literally you can just, yeah, just hold the steering wheel and then it still does
its job. Um, but I've always, I don't know too much, you know, we're reaching off the, one of those
top cars. What's the top Alex anywhere? Also, if I could afford a Tesla range car, I don't think
I'd get a Tesla. But you would get one. No, I would have. No, they're just not, I don't think
they're pretty looking. They look all right. It's just that they're not efficient enough as what
they should be because I know the price for charging the car, it's thought 70 odd pound,
but like three hours of charging at the services. Well, at a fast charge. Yeah. I know. And it's
thought you're paying that to get 400 miles out of a petrol or a diesel car anyway. So it's,
it's not efficient enough. Yeah. It's not for me, man. It's yeah. Hopefully it does get better.
I know what and also, sorry, it's a quick, you're there, man. They're more bad for the environment
because the, the, the, and now I'm on a bad lot for the batteries or the stuff to have to dig.
And it's big badly. Yeah. So you're going to put all these batteries that's bad for the environment
into a car. Yeah. Put these, all these cars onto a diesel, Lorry and puts them onto a ship that will
put some onto a plane. Yeah. It's just like, it's a massive carbon footprint. Yeah. It's just, just,
yeah. And I love it when you see one that's broken down and then they're using the diesel generator
or a diesel vehicle to recharge it back up on the side of the road. So you just defeated the whole
object. But the amount of these electric cars that I do see that are broke down just because
it's like a computer error essentially, the hazards of flashing all the lights are flashing
like they're an ambulance or a police car. And you just see the owners just standing next to them.
I don't know what's going on. And I love it. I've done it a few times. You drive past and you're
like, can't park there, mate. And you know, it's going to be an expensive fit. Yeah. You just know
it like anything like that. It's not just a matter of just like plugging it in, getting the diagnostics
and all. It's boring. It's everything. It's reprogramming and whatever. It's just, god.
That's why I'm happy with my van. You know, I would be happy with, well, I'd be more happy with it if
I had electric windows, but it's the price you pay for security. I don't know. It's all Fort Knox.
I was saying the other day, it was, it's, because I've got, even though it's a small van, I just have
everything in there. Well, it's, it's not Mary Poppins bag. Just running out everything. So I need that.
Yeah. I've got one out. Just move things around. There you go. That's it. Got it. All the graft in the bag.
The graph mobile. You know. It's just. The graph mobile. I know they used to call one the old
vans out there, man. But I never really got that one. I don't, I'm not one of the people that gives
their car or van a name. No, it's a bit strange. Yeah. My dad's, he's always give these, well,
I don't know if he's done it, the van he's got at the moment, but he used to call these vans,
well, after, you know, your players. So he's had gigs, scores, Beckman, all that. I don't know.
It's a bit sad. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously I appreciate them as footballing legends, but yeah, to,
to name your vehicle after them. Yeah. It was a bit strange, but he's never been the 40th
anyway, as I have, Frank. Yeah. Never been good at moving houses, ever, has he? No. Can't move that
furniture or anything. Can't pivot. That's it. So I know we took a bit of tangent from the quick
little rant that I had. Keeps the time moving. Keeps you entertained at home. No. And I'm sure
people have gone through the same experiences. Oh, they definitely would have. You know, if you've
got any driving pet peeves or anything that just winds you up really, you know, do send us an email,
realtalkingpod.gmail.com or tweet us at Ash and Jay D. Or even leave a comment on the YouTube
videos, real talking pods, you know, anything you want to have a moment about, we'll happily
talk about it and give our opinions on it as well. So we're moving on from that now then.
We haven't done it for a little while, so I thought I'd bring up some of the fest holes.
We'll see. Well, obviously I've read them. We'll see your opinion on it. Yeah. It's the fake. Some
of them, you just seem like obviously fake, but then it's like, is it that fake where it's real?
Do you know what I mean? Like it just no. Yeah. So, uh, first one I've got for us is I used to be a
pizza delivery driver and every time someone ordered a two litre fizzy drink, I shook it loads
just before I left my car. Buy your Fanta from Tesco like a normal person. I think that's true.
I think it's true, but what a nubbish thing to do. Yeah. It's just unnecessary. Yeah. Just absolutely
no need. Why is he hard? You're a delivery driver. You're getting paid to deliver the goods,
like pizza, whatever. And having a bottle of puff is just part and parcel. You get a meal deal.
Yeah. Why are you going to go to Tesco to get a drink? Yeah. And then order a pizza. You're not
going to do that. Especially as a sailor, you get these meal deals where you get a personal
size pizza and fries and a bottle of puff. So what's the issue with it? You're doing it
because you incentivise to buy that meal deal that comes with the bottle of puff. So just a nub.
Absolutely no reason, no need for it. So number one, when my husband is not around, one of our
cats sniffs his empty glass of water. Sometimes he sticks his face in and licks the glass.
I never say anything to my husband. So again. I don't think there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah. Well, one, it's a bit of a fucking nub thing for the wife to be doing. If you cat sniffing the
glass and licking it and that, just get the glass and swap it for another one, clean the glass.
And also I'm thinking, why is the husband using the same glass day in, day out without cleaning it?
And I was going to say on that basis then, surely the cat might do it when her glass is left.
The same thing. Yeah, the husband doesn't say anything. Yeah, then he doesn't say anything.
Yeah, so they're just both knobs to each other. So if that's the case,
they shouldn't be married really, should they? Or the perfect one in here.
They could be perfect for each other, but it's just, oh, I just don't get why the same glass
is just being left out. Cause I'm not going to use the same glass constantly for the same drink.
You know, I'm rotating my cups for all the cups of tea and coffee that I have.
Like if I'm at home and I'm drinking tea all day, I'm not going to keep changing a cup every time,
but I'm not going to use that same cup for like seven days in a row. It's going to go in the
dishwasher or if it's one of me wash cups that can't go in the dishwasher, it just gets hand
washed. What I'm just trying to do. So yeah, that one done my head a little bit. I thought I'd just
get that one out there. So another one, if there are three empty urinals, I will purposely use the
middle one simply to make the choice more difficult for newcomers that come in today.
Well, I don't know how I feel about that. So because there's right, there's urinal ethics.
Yeah. You go straight to the end one. Yeah. And then that way if someone else comes in,
you miss the middle one, then he should go to the other end. Yeah. That's just life.
Yeah. You've got to leave the gap because even if you walk into a toilet, there's three urinals and
there's man on the left, man on the right and the middle one's empty. Yeah. You wait, unless
you're completely desperate, you can't hold it in. You wait for one of them to be free or go into
a cubicle. So again, that's just another no-hair. There's just no need for it.
It is ignorant. I don't know if he's trying to think that he's got a massive slung and he wants
people to see or something. That's why he does it. Just no need for it. But no, I mean, well,
I would say no one looks, but I've known people. Again, yeah, there's someone from our group that
used to perps who do it the amount of times he'd be one of them. Yeah. And I've just seen him
trying to look over and I'm like, fuck off. What are you being a perp for? He was a strange
cunt anyway. I'm sure you know which person I'm on about. Not the listeners at home actually.
I think there's a bit of a thing with these ones to be honest. I didn't pay too much attention as
I said though. So lockdown 2020, a neighbour was having a 50 strong garden party. I didn't hesitate
to call the police. Within 30 minutes they arrived and shut you down, escorted everyone out and
subsequently found the owner. Life affirming moment for me. Again, what a knob thing to do.
I mean, some people took it way serious. Some people just took it not serious at all. So I think
just two neighbours on each ends. Yeah. I imagine that they don't get on anyway. I suppose it's how
you found it. Yeah. If someone's having a party during the day and that, yeah, there was the
restrictions. He was always meant to stay in a bubble of five and all that bollocks. But
if it's in the middle of the day, let them be. Let them have the little party or it's not
harm. They all get sick and die. That's on them. But if he went on to like 10, 11 o'clock at night
and that then yeah, fair enough. Have a little moment. But put a mask on, go knock the door,
say come on, you're taking a piece of it now. I'm reading in between the lines and he's just jealous
of that person. Jealous that he didn't get him foiled. Might be that. Yeah. You know what I'm
saying? Might have been seeing at home. I'd say six wanks. Couldn't get any more out. And yeah,
it was just real sad that he's got no friends. Can't even have four people around. So have a
little party or anything. Neighbours got birthday on the go. Yeah. He won one of them. Yeah.
Probably racist or something as well, you know. Logs being paid.
Get pissed off.
So another one here. Had the father-in-law over helping with a bit of groundwork. He has a
distinctive mole just at the top of his butt crack. The wife keeps asking, why are we gone off?
Doggy style. Why do you keep looking like that much to pull him off? Yeah. So I'll get that the
facts. Look, your man's there, he's working away and then the ass cracks popping out because it
happens when you're grafting away. Cheeks just like to say hello sometimes. But I don't get why
your man is thinking about his father-in-law's fucking ass while he's trying to have sex.
So that's his personal problem there. He shouldn't. Look, is his wife a similar shape
to be when she's bent over and he's trying to give her a good scene? Unless she's got a mole as well.
You should have put more detail on there, shouldn't there? Because I mean,
out of context, you shouldn't really make. Yeah. Because if you are doing that and there isn't a
mole there, it shouldn't pop in your head, ah, father-in-law's got a mole in his ass.
This is putting me off. So he's got some personal issues. Yeah. He has got some. He needs to
man up a bit as well to be honest. If your wife wants you from behind, give me that.
Slipper fingering. Yeah. I mean, it's not pegging for women, is it? It's just anal.
Again, this isn't me. This is a fess hole. Well, girlfriend always, lately, finishes herself off
after sex. Used to think it was hot as fuck, but now, a year later, I just feel sexually
inadequate. Right. I think you should do. I mean, it might just be one of them where she loves to
finish off that way anyway. Well, if he's not doing the job and she's having to do it herself,
he's not good enough, is he? Seems that way, mate. You don't have many comments on this. I
feel like this might be your confession now. No. Because obviously, it goes back to kinks and that.
So her kink at the end might be to finish yourself off. Yeah. But obviously, because he's broadened
up, it seems like it's a him problem. Yeah. But I'm about, just in general speaking, it might just
be a thing for her. But being that he's feeling that way, it must not be, I suppose. Yeah. I'll
get it that women, they're all different. It takes some different ways to get off. Not everyone
can get off through penetration. It has to be like stimulation through other ways and whatever.
But surely he should be thinking, I'll give you a hand. Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah. Or at least.
But you're only doing it before. Yeah. He's happy finishing and then letting her finish
herself off. Yeah. So why don't you just do the other way around? Yeah. So you go on him side.
Yeah. He should be getting her off first. So she finishes herself. So then that way he's not going
to feel inadequate. Yeah. No, just to look nice. This is a little lesson for the male listeners out
there. Well, all the females. From the top sugar. Yeah. Top sugar's a boss. Look, it's not a race.
It's not a race that you want to come first in. Literally. You want to finish second or if there's
a group, finish last essentially. You're having the most fun while coming last. Literally.
But what if you just want to get yours? Yeah, but that's selfish then though, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah. You're still going to get yours at the end. You've got to make sure everyone in
this situation is happy. Why? Again, you haven't got enough comments here. I'm not the self-reclined
top sugar. All I'm saying is you should just do it the other way around then. Yeah. And then that
way there'd be none of that. Yeah. But it was then maybe she can watch him loudly masturbate and come
all over himself or something. Whatever he's into. Make her feel sexually inadequate then. Yeah.
If you're out there listening and that was your first hole, give us more advice. Not advice,
sorry. Give us a bit more information. We want to know why you're so insecure about it and why
can't you? Pleasure you later. It's a bit of a shame really. I've got the tips for you, mate.
I love you, hey. Don't worry about that, kid. So another one here. I'm a heterosexual woman.
Use Twitter to watch porn. I find lesbian porn more erotic purely for the more female-centric
pleasure and literal stimulation is best for my orgasm. I think this was his missus.
My phone has branded me, my phone though has branded me as a lesbian and I'm getting targeted
as a lesbian. So there's a couple of things to read out of that. Fair enough, I get it that she's
seeing the women get pleasure so she can imagine it herself. Yeah, I think that's what many
girls do though, I can imagine. Yeah, because no one really likes to watch porn and then it's
like the camera spins to the man's face and he's there like, oh yeah, oh yeah, whatever,
fucking, you know, it's never enjoyable is it? You just want to see the good stuff. Right.
And the good stuff for us is the woman. So I'll get that completely. But it just stems onto how
the phones and everything are always listening to you. You know, there was something the other week,
so I've got my new TV, Amazon Fire TV, so it's already got a fire stick pre-built in
and obviously everyone knows you can get the hack for your fire stick. Yeah. And so I haven't said
it to anyone, I haven't looked at anything, I just had to thought, I wonder if you can do those same
hacks that you do on a fire stick straight onto the TV and as I'm scrolling through TikTok there,
I started seeing videos for getting codes for the fire, look, they're doing the fire stick thing,
got different download apps and that. I haven't even said it to anyone, I've just thought. Did
you not even search it? No, I've done absolutely nothing. It was like the day after I got the TV
as well. Just, yeah. I stored it on an old time and it was the next day after I'd finished,
I don't even think I had the TV switched on, just flicking through the phone and it's coming up with
the programs. That one's weird, isn't it? Because with her one, because she's watching it. Yeah,
because she's basically looking at it. And also, why is she going through Twitter to watch you?
Twitter's got everything though, hasn't it? Yeah, but I thought it'd just be, obviously,
to just easier, just obviously go on the hub. I don't know, because another podcaster that I've
listened to, he says that he does the same because it's like, it's little almost previews,
it's like two minute clips. Oh, so it's like. Like a lot of movies and whatever. So it might be just
that, she's like scrolling through and then, oh yeah, that one's interesting. I'll border that,
I'll find another one now. I suppose just similar to when we are flicking through TikTok and YouTube
videos and whatever. It's just a short quick burst or squirt, whatever she's doing. And then
onto the next one. But yeah, it's just the phones and everything. Obviously the electors and Googles
and all that are always listening as well. It's just, it's mad. I hate to think where it's going
to be in a few years time. You literally just kind of have a thought, oh, I need some milk.
Next thing there's milk man at the door. Not just a chef, but I thought it'd be a lot.
It's too much. They shouldn't be able to read your thoughts. Let alone just constantly,
continuously give you the branded ads for what you're looking at. No, but I think going back
to it, I do think that's a normal thing for a female. So it's just the thing that now the
lesbian ads are coming up. Yeah, it's unfortunate. But she's getting hers anyway. I reckon that's
the previous one's Mrs. You know, he's just not doing it for her. He needs to up his game.
I've only got a couple more now. So I've genuinely never understood the controversy surrounding
peeing in the shower. Literally wash it away as you do it. You wash yourself too. There's nothing
disgusting. And I'm always proud to be a shower pair. No, I thought I'd ask you this question.
Then I'll take it. You don't do this. I've never ever thought about doing it.
So do you ever look, say you start watering the grass or you wash your hands and you get the
feeling, Oh crap, I need to go for a wee now. So let's just say you get the hose out, you start
watering the grass and then because of the water flowing, it makes you need to go for a wee.
Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. So do you never have that feeling when you're in the shower?
No. And also I've never, because you know, pissing the pool and pissing the sea.
Oh, no, no. In a swimming pool or in the sea. No. Cause that's, I suppose to say it's probably not
as bad, but in a swimming pool, no, you can't do that. Cause there's everyone else, really
needs disgusting. Yeah. I mean, I've just never, I've just never thought, I've never put the two
together. I've never ever put the two together. Well, I think you should give it a try. It's
going to change it off. No, I mean, it's efficiency fucking, you know, you're in there and literally,
I'm not saying try and force the shit out, but you know, but no, it's just like, if you're in there
and then the sensation comes that you need a wee, you're not going to stop, get out, have a wee
and then get back in the shower. I've actually done that. That's just so, well, just the waste of time
that is. So clean of me. No, cause it doesn't matter, does it? You're making your feet dirty
again or getting out, having a wee and then getting back into the shower. No, you shouldn't be pissing
in the shower. No, because the pipe that comes from under the bath, where the water goes down,
that connects to the same pipe as the toilet anyway. So it just goes to the same place.
Well, it's just so quickly secret. But also, what we spoke about off the pod is when you come a
certain age, you like to sit down and have a wee. Especially in the night time. Yeah, because it's
quiet. You're not having to worry about trying to aim and miss the target and it's just comfortable.
You just fucking sit down, do wee and it's done. I know we've, like America's toilets, the water
level is quite high. So we've asked the water in the toilet is quite low, but America and I imagine
some other countries, it's a really high level. So they probably wouldn't feel the same because
you've got a big floppy dick and you're sitting down to have a piece and it's sitting in the water.
Boy, what do you mean? I don't know why, it's just their plumbing systems. I don't know why.
Do you remember the episode of symptoms where I think they went to Australia just to see if the-
Yeah, that was an old one where- Yeah, the toilets, well, was it the opposite way or whatever it was?
Yeah, I know flat earthers and that will disagree with his theory. But-
These guys, these guys.
Depending on if you're in the Northern or Southern hemisphere, the gravity essentially makes your
water spin in opposite ways. So for us, the water spins anti-clockwise where for Australia,
it's clockwise. I know it's obviously more science that I don't know what a technical
de-science is for, but yeah, it's literally just North and South, it just spins different ways.
No, but sitting down in the middle of the night to have a wee, it's acceptable.
Yeah, it is underrated.
Yeah, let's say you're not getting any mess and it's quiet. So if you try not to wake the other
up or, you know, apart from the flush of the toilet, which I know not everyone does for a wee,
which that cracks me up.
Sometimes after me, sometimes I forget in the middle of the night when I'm tired.
Like this or that. I can get it, like understand in the middle of the night not doing it, but
when it's during the day and it's like-
You're walking in this piss.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What the fuck?
But it's saving water. Who cares? Just, it stinks.
They're the people that piss in the shower, those ones that want to save water, mate.
Yeah, but I piss in the shower, not every time. And on, when I use a toilet for a number two,
I'll check to make sure every little bit has gone. And if it hasn't, sometimes it doesn't always
go away. You get a secret flow to come back up out of nowhere or there's still some tissue that just
hasn't gone down. So you give it another flush and then you check for any stains, give it a clean,
flush again. I'll flush fucking 10 times if I have to.
What's going on, Jack?
No, I'm just kidding. If I have to, I'll flush every time because I don't-
Double flush.
I don't, yeah, or say if it has to be three, four times, whatever, not just to get rid of the dump,
but if you haven't cleaned and then flush to clean the brush and then there's still something that
you missed, so you could give it a little clean and then flush it again.
Well, I have a thing. So when I'm done pooping, I flush the poop away and then start-
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, I don't think I've ever done that.
Okay, well, you would really.
Just so that's gone. Don't worry about it.
Yeah.
Next task.
Then you don't look at it either, do you? I'm not saying that I turn around and have a look,
but I know some of our people, our friends and our dude, I know that a lot of people listening
can relate to it when you open up WhatsApp and you see a poop.
What when your mate has a really big shit, does he feel the need then or a really runny one?
Yeah.
So then put it in the group.
It cracks me up, that does.
It's just like, it's just like, it's almost like sprayed.
Yeah, literally. They've sat down and it's just like,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
And then it's like, I need to take a picture now.
Oh God, Lord, that kind of sharing is not caring.
So it's part of the reason-
It's a ball in the head.
It is, it's fucking against more human rights, that is.
Lord, literally, it's part of the reason why I don't use WhatsApp
because I just don't like being in all the group chats and then just getting random pictures
and they're still saved to my phone.
So I'll open up the gallery sometimes and it just be a fucking shit picture.
Literally, it just cracks me up.
Fucking some of the stuff that gets put on.
Oh, oh God.
Yeah, not just from our group chat, but fucking so many other ones that I get put into.
I'll just leave most of them.
Whenever I do go on, it's just annoying.
I've got sense in the, well, you would have got it as well, but I've got the most gruesome video
and they're the worst ones.
You know, the ones that when you see it, they're just in your mind for a few days.
Oh my God, this one, I want to go.
It's just like, I didn't need to see that video.
I don't even look at most of them because I know that fucking something stupid's gonna come along.
And then there's always the obvious ones where it's like trying to bite you and then at the end it's the live walk music.
Because everyone has them, everyone knows they're a fag now.
So I've walked past someone and I've heard, you know, I didn't know it was my dunny mother there.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's not fun, it's not clever.
Well, you got any more?
Yeah, yeah, I've still got a couple.
I've got a couple.
So, I'm 45 and still can't tell the time with an analogue clock.
I'm a charlatan engineer.
So at the age of 45, I don't see how this man, well, sorry, I'm assuming it's a man,
how this person can't read a normal clock, an old school clock.
For anyone that is of the younger generations, it's a clock, usually on a wall that has
a big hand, little hands and then a second hand.
So it literally ticks away.
You've got your big hand pointing for the hour.
No, the big hand, sorry, fucking up.
I'm sounding like a fucking retard there.
Big hand is for the minutes, the little hand is for the hour.
And like, how can't they just know?
Right, you've got me, wait, is it that way around or is it the fuck, right?
Yeah, because the little hand is pointing at the hour and the big hand goes...
Yeah, and then the second, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Factual.
I know it can be confusing because everyone's got a digital clock always on the phone or
the watches, you know, your Fitbits and Apple watches and whatever.
It's always just saying the exact time of what it is.
So you don't really have to look at it for 45.
It's, I kind of get it if it was like a 16 year old or whatever,
but now that doesn't know how to tell the time that way because everything is digital.
It's only really older people that do tend to have a clock on the wall.
I don't have one because I can't handle fucking, you know, it's like a bum's going to go off
and crack me up.
Yeah, also, a sidenote, I don't know if it's with all Europeans, but most Europeans.
So, you know, for us, if we was going out in the night time, I said, yeah,
we'll be ready by seven.
You know, it's seven p.m.
You wouldn't go 1900.
Yeah, I feel like most Europeans have that way of approaching time.
So I remember one time I went to, we was in Turkey, but we were speaking to a German lady
and we wanted a taxi for four o'clock.
She was like 1600.
I was like, no, four o'clock.
She's like, you want in the morning?
I was like, no, no, four p.m.
It's like 1600, I was like, yeah, just like that.
Yeah.
So just your perception of.
Yeah, it's almost because we use it for the military.
Also, what do you America?
This is sorry, I'm going off here.
So we go date.
So die month.
Yeah.
So, but I got month die.
Yeah.
So I would go.
This is confusing.
Yes.
If it's the second of the second, it's locked.
So the second of February and the year.
But then if it's the if it's the 28th of February, it's it's to 28.
Yeah, it's it's it's like it literally is.
I don't know.
I've always fought this.
And I've fought ever since it was September 11th.
I've always got boys in September 11th, not 11th of September.
Yeah.
And it's and then when you when you grow old and you see where on the movies and they do like
I don't even know what you'd call it, like a date stamp on the movie.
Yeah.
And obviously it's always month die.
So surely that takes over.
So you then this tick off that tick off.
That's like how would not.
But audio leaders actually doing a great hand.
Yeah.
Try and explain.
So yeah, it just seems like if you if you think about it like logically, you would think
the day ticks, then the month would tick, then the year would tick, not having the date
stamp on the movie.
So you're saying the first one staying still and then the second roll or tick in does that
make you know what I'm saying?
Essentially, counting up in numbers, you've got zero, zero, zero.
Yeah.
On a three digit timer essentially.
As it goes up from the right one up to nine, that column goes back to zero and the middle
one goes up to one.
Yeah, you'd expect it to go through.
But that's that's it's always a British thing because that's how we've always done it.
We should be able to see it the way around.
Yeah.
The Americans, they love to do things opposite to us.
You know, they don't like spelling the words the same way, you know, they speak the same
language and even the way that they actually tell the time is long.
So we say.
And it's quarter two.
Yeah.
Where there's it's like it's two forty five or.
What's it?
I don't know.
I know that they say it weird anyway.
Where it's yeah.
When it's gone past the 30 minutes mark, so it's half past one.
Yeah.
And then it's quarter two.
But then it's 45 minutes past.
No, that's just it's an awkward way of saying it.
I always find it strange in America as well.
That when you fill up, you have to.
So when we filled up and when we went there, you have to go into the petrification,
give them the money first, then go out and obviously put the nozzle in and fill up.
So you pay first as we're here.
You you pay after unless you pay on your card.
And obviously, yeah, you know, I think that's more of a fucking shit.
British culture thing because well, not culture, but industry thing because.
You have people that drive.
Yeah.
You put them on, put the fuel in and unless it's one of the machines where you can say
to exact log price or later, which it's so hard these days to try and rattle it.
You get to know 98 pence and you try and flick it to get it bang on the zero.
And it's just so hard.
And also you think about it when you tap in it, you're not really getting
what it's saying is coming up on it.
So I just literally hold it and just let go.
They're not it.
So if it's like 29, like 87 or 30 pound 50 from trying to put 30.
You're triggering everyone's OCD.
No, literally, I just put it in, hold it, then round about just let go.
And if it's close enough, it's close enough because I think about it.
If you're trying to get you don't get in 15 pence worth of fuel.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't make a difference.
Yeah, but it's as I say, that's that's just an OCD thing.
Because if you've got 20 pounds in your pocket.
Oh, yeah.
No, if you're paying, sorry, if you're paying on your car, cash, sorry.
Yeah.
But you know, if you're paying on your card.
Yeah.
So you put your card details as annoying.
Well, yeah, if you're paying cash, oh, yeah, you will try to get bang on
because I'm one of them people that always has a couple of loose pennies in the bag.
So if it goes over by that one thing, I'll get it out and make a point of giving up the penny.
And then if I stop and it's at 99p and I'm thinking, I know I'm not going over by 2p.
I'll make sure I'll get that penny back.
Well, one of our mates, I want to say, he filled up, you know who it is, we'll tell the story.
He went on, just fill it up.
I'm just putting it in, I don't know.
So anyway, I'm watching him fill it up and he puts, it was like £27.89.
No, sorry, was it like that?
It was, anyway, it was like that.
And I was like, why have you put £27?
But he purposely did it, he didn't let go.
And he's walked in, paid, the man was like, funny number.
He's like, yeah, yeah.
So he's come out and I was like, how can we put that much in?
He's like, don't know.
Like, purposely, don't know funny number.
Just, so the next person comes and goes, huh?
It's like nowhere near a market.
Yeah, he's done that just because he's a gobshaw.
Yeah, I know you're on about and he always wants a bit of an attention of some sort.
So that's why he's done that.
But when I filled up yesterday, the person that was before me, it was £30.01.
And then I started feeling up, it was beeping up the road and the price was a bit higher.
So I didn't want to put too much in.
Then I wasn't paying attention because essentially I thought I'll put 20 in.
Then I wasn't paying attention.
So it had gone over 20, so I thought I'll stop at 30.
Yeah.
And I inflicted on him, I was like, what's going on?
So I inflicted on to £30.01 as well.
Why is it a common thing though, like an honour in the raw way, it has to end in a zero or five.
So it has to be 30 quid, 35 quid, 40 quid, 45 quid, you know, 25, 20, 15, 10, it can't be £30, 45.
Yeah, I think that's just down to people's unhidden OCP of one in round numbers.
But honestly, people try nuzzling if you're paying on your car, whack it.
And when you're done, if it's round about that number, let go, shake it.
If it's £20.89 or £30.15, it's all right, just let it go.
It's done.
People won't do that.
I know you're trying to give some real talk.
Just real talk, just real advice.
People ain't gonna hear that.
Don't worry about it, honestly, that 11p you won't see in terms of money.
So with my accounts, so if I did something like that, I've got it set up as round up.
So if you pay like 11p over a pound, that 89p is going to go into the savings account.
So I don't mind doing stuff like that because it's in my head, it's still rounding up to that pound,
to that solid number.
But for people that don't have to do all that.
Actually, sorry, that might be a good thing to do, to do that all year.
And see how much you've saved.
Because you think about how much you'll buy a can of Monster or whatever and it's £1.99.
So that penny is going to go straight into the account.
So yeah, it would be handy for some people to do that.
Because what I'm saying is obviously, if you was having a pension and you filled it or,
like say you got 29 pound, add in 9p and you round up to 30 quid, you won't see that 11p
different in terms of mileage.
But if you've done that throughout the year, and obviously you just, you know,
what you said you had one of those where it goes into a savings account.
Yeah.
Then you've got like 20 quid to whack in.
You'll see that, mate.
Probably wouldn't be 20 pound with, well, even if it was 20 pound,
the price of fuel are going up again.
So that probably ended up being like five litres.
It's just a joke.
It really, I noticed it yesterday, it had gone up.
And even last week, because as you know, I've got three petrol stations right next to me,
Asda, BP and Atexico.
Yeah, Asda's been on 144.
Now I know everyone sees it's 143.7 or 43.9.
I'll just round it up to the whole number.
So it's been 144 for about five weeks.
The BP and Atexico were having a bit of a war and went below the Asda.
That lasted on three days before they went higher again.
And then, yeah, last week it's gone up to 145, the Asda-Ras.
And now it's 148.
Yeah.
And it's just, I don't know how they're getting away.
They're putting these prices back up again.
Fuck disgraceful.
For the American listeners, that's litres, not gallons as well.
Yeah.
It does everything properly.
But then, what the fuck, that much?
I love seeing those memes where it's like the Americans would use anything
just to start working the metric system.
Oh, because they only use Fahrenheit rather than...
Yeah, Fahrenheit, the preferred kilometres and that.
And it's just stupid things.
It's like three tables long.
It shouldn't just be like 1.2 metres.
It's fucking...
They'll just do anything.
Fucking madness.
So I think this is more last one on the Festivals night.
Roy?
I had a drunken Tinder swipe, a swipe session a few weeks ago.
The next day I matched with my sister.
We have avoided each other ever since and still haven't spoken a word of it.
Roy, so a drunken Tinder swipe for me is
you would just quickly swipe right on everything just to get them all in.
I think that's what he must have done.
Because, you know, that's what...
When someone says that to me, I think...
Because you get so many swipes unless you're paying for the premium.
I don't know how it is these days.
Yeah.
It was literally early doors when I did use it.
I mean, we're looking at like 10 years ago or so.
I think when I did use it,
I think you could...
I don't know.
I've really done enough.
Yeah.
I think there was only swipes back in the day.
But at the moment, I think it's like early or something swipes
unless you pay for the premium.
Roy.
And then you can actually see who's...
There's a bit more to it.
I've never used the thing.
It's only because, obviously, when some of the lads used to use it.
Yeah.
And I used to say, you know, doing it on my own was like, no, I've run out.
So I would assume, because I've seen lads that just do fucking...
Yeah.
Swipe right.
I think swipes were, yeah, yes, he's...
Anyway, whatever yes he is, obviously, this guy has done it drunkenly.
Bash them all out.
Fuck it.
Whatever matches is a match.
I mean, obviously.
But the biggest question, why is his sister matching with him if he's drunk?
Yeah.
Look, was she drunk doing the same thing as well?
You know, it's...
I'm glad I don't have to do anything and all that.
It was such a fucking hardship trying to do...
To be fair, I had the same message that I just had copied and I've pasted it to everyone that was a match.
Now, do you have...
Well, it was just a generic one.
Oh, yeah.
It was, oh, yeah.
If you could have any animal as a pet in the world, what would it be and what...
What would it be and what... And you'd get just boring ones most of the time.
Be like, fucking...
Oh, yeah, just have a dog or just have a cat.
I'm like, no, fucking you can have anything.
And so, some people come out with, oh, yeah, I'd have a lion and blah, blah.
And I used to just always say I'd have a penguin because it was funner.
And, you know, I prefer it to be cold than hot because it's easier to warm up than it is to cool down.
And it's like, yeah, like Mr. Puppies Penguins.
Have you seen the TikToks where people are messaging girls on Tinder or whatever ones
and it's got like the football commentary over it?
It's like, where of?
When they get the number.
Have you ever seen one of their ones?
No, I've not seen their ones, no.
No, they're really good because obviously...
I'm sure now that you've spoken about it, my phone's going to listen and give me some...
So, as it starts off, you just see the screen, you see all these types,
and you see what she's saying.
Sometimes you're buzzed.
Obviously, you're always buzzed at the number at the end.
But, yeah, so you could tell by the commentary if it's a hit or miss.
It's a miss if it's the loan or miss if it's World Cup free kick one.
But, yeah, there's a Ronaldo and a Guerrero on it.
The score basically is a Guerrero.
And it's fucking funny.
It's fucking...
They'll come out with some outrageous stuff, like funny stuff that I would never even think...
Because some of them, you can voice now rather than just texting.
So I love them singing.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Well, because again, I know there's one that a woman has to send a message first as well.
Oh, is that...
Bumble or something?
Bumble.
So at least that...
Yeah, that gives a bit more of a feel to you.
No, I think I prefer that one, actually.
Yeah, because I used to remember...
You'd get a match and you'd send messages and you'd get no replies most of the time.
I said, well, why are you matching if you're not even going to reply?
Or the ones where it was a dead chat back.
I said, I'm trying to have a conversation here.
Yeah.
You're just not interested.
You're not investing.
So a lot of it, I just chained so many up.
But I saw a video the other day where this lady was challenged by a friend to pretend
to be a male.
So he'd give her pictures of himself to set up a Tinder profile and see what it's like.
And so she's set it up and she's all happy.
She's like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to be fine.
It's going to be great.
I'm going to speak to some girls.
The friend was a good looking male from what she says.
So yeah, it's going to be really easy.
I'll get all the hits and matches, whatever.
And it was day one.
I've not really had much success.
I've had a couple of matches, but not really spoke to anyone.
And it was day seven.
She was into it.
She's like, I'm getting tripped.
I've spoken to like shit.
No one wants to really talk.
And I've not been able to arrange a date or anything.
And I was like, yeah, you see what it's like for us.
That's what I said before.
To be a top shagger like I was back in the day.
It was effort.
We have to put in a lot of effort and work in to be able to get these ladies.
I've seen one of them wall back where, so this guy is that.
This guy is that.
He set up two Tinder accounts, both with him.
There was him 100%.
But one was like more of a good image in terms of, you know, just him with his dog.
You know, you know, and then the one was just like him, like topless, smoking, drinking whiskey.
And the nice one, he'll be polite and on the like the the other account, he'd be a bit.
A bit tightish.
Yeah, just well, yeah, it just a bit more assertive.
Yeah, yeah, like I'll be fucking in a while.
Yeah.
He had more matches and hits and dates set up with the one where he's being nasty to one
than the one where he was being nice.
I'll have to.
Yeah, I know some women like it that way when you are assertive and you say, right,
we're doing this.
Let's go.
Fucking you know, especially when it comes to just the basics of
you trying to plan a night out just for a basic meal.
Where do you want to go?
I don't know.
You need to just say, well, let's go to such and such.
We'll have a meal there, not have some drinks and whatever.
Preferring that way.
That's another little pet peeve.
My stop.
Just make your mind up.
Tell me what you want to do because you're not happy with anything.
So what do you want to do?
So you spin it around and say, we're doing this and then happy with that.
Yeah.
Plus enough.
Give me a little back ender.
Put that bitch in her place.
Wait a minute.
Don't condone violence.
Well, what was the first one to start laughing?
I fucking forgot.
Oh, is he sister?
Yeah.
Brother and sister.
That's if he was drunk, supposedly.
The same crown of his sister.
I'd say, yeah, she's picked a match as well.
So unless she was doing the same or, well, yeah, she must have been doing something the same
to have got that match because if it was a friend, because obviously we've done it before where,
look, we do the matches for a friend or whatever.
So if it was a friend of hers swapping through,
surely she'd know what her brother looks like.
Yeah.
So whether she's done it just as the wine door to see fucking what's happened.
But I don't know.
It's just fucking.
I don't know if that one's real.
If it was an accident, you just say, when you age block, sorry, sis, I'm fucking lagging.
Obviously I didn't look at your picture.
I just drunk and swiped.
Yeah.
I assume that you done the same.
Because all he was doing, sorry, so it's group again.
All he was doing, he had a few beers.
He went to get fucked.
Yeah.
Just smashed them through.
Open up one with much daring that quick message.
We, I don't know what you would say, but drop some Riz games to get called Riz now as well.
Yeah.
I don't know why it's called Riz.
Like, is it a person or something?
Who is and what is Riz?
I really don't get it.
It's like, fucking I don't see what was wrong with saying like you've got game.
Well, I used to like lyrics when they used to say.
Yeah, because that's relating to chatting them up.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's sound.
I don't know.
I'll just stick to the title of Top Shagger, ain't it?
Danny G knows.
Danny G.
Right.
So to be fair, we've gone on for a lot longer than expected with the Fess holes.
It was a lot calmer approach in today's podcast.
Yeah.
Yeah, just the randomness, you know, always the real talk as well.
Always mate.
And well, we've enjoyed it anyway, we've had enough laughs.
Also, yeah, you know, if you do have any questions or anything, you know,
just please just like follow, subscribe and email, just slide in those DMs.
We're just like, you know, nice and smooth.
Yeah.
You know, just.
Not too deep.
Easy in, be gentle.
You know, even if you know, if you want to say something nasty or whatever, just.
Yeah, just send us anything.
Yeah, we'll happily talk about it on the podcast.
Read any and all comments, emails, messages, whatever.
Don't forget to subscribe as well, though, because over,
but less than half the people that subscribe, sorry, less than half the people that download
are only subscribers.
Yes.
So if you're downloading, subscribe.
And again, if you're just listening in general, just press a little subscribe,
the like and the download.
It really does help.
You know, it's always appreciated.
Yeah, it just, it just for us, it just, it's more so we can tell how we're performing.
Yeah, we, we log, because, you know, we're not,
because, you know, if you're not going to take time out your own day and send us an email or
any comments or anything, then, you know, it's a way that we know that you are actually
enjoying it and appreciating us two dickheads chatting shit.
We're best part of an hour at least every week for you.
So, yeah, I know what to do.
And I say, if it's on the YouTube that you're watching, the socials and everything are on there.
Yeah.
Hope you enjoyed it.
We will see you next time.
Bye bye.
Peace.