Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Real Talking Podcast with your hosts
Ash and Jay and Dee. So this week we thought we'd switch it up a little bit and get the
emails out of the way first. We've had our favourite female email us back again, little
Kirstie. I thought you were going to say Danny Dan. No, no, no. Danny's waiting for fucking
David's reply, isn't it really? Yeah, so Kirstie, she says that you guys kill it, I don't know
what we've killed this time but I'm guessing she's happy with whatever we said. So she's
asking, she says, so now that I'm single, have you got any date and advice? So considering
I'm married and you're basically married, I suppose. She's come to drive people. Yeah.
I'd say the main thing really is just be yourself. There's no point trying to act differently,
put on a fake personality, persona, whatever, when you start to think to someone and going
out on dates, just be honest, don't make anything different. Don't try and be someone you're
not because when it all comes out afterwards, it's just going to be a drama then. So the
way I was when I first got with the missus, I basically laid it out on the table and thought
look, I'm a cunt, I'm not going to change, this is how I am and that's it. And she puts
up with me. So yeah, there's no point fucking. She puts up with me. She definitely has to
these days. But look, because I know a certain person, one of our friends, they try and keep
their different groups apart so they'll keep the family separate, friends separate and
then partners separate. And then work life. Yeah, so it's like, you can't beat all that
because your partner's going to end up being involved with everything that you do. So if
you're trying to be a different person around them, as opposed to when you're with your
friends or anyone else, you need to just be the same because it's just going to cause
arguments and that in the long run. We've had plenty of friends over the years where
they're trying to come out for a drink or whatever, but then they're having to lull
into the missus and they just have arguments, dramas and split up and they're back together
and fucking. It's just because they're not being honest and having the real talk about
that. They're not having this real talk. Yeah. They didn't ask us for the address. So I'd
say that's more in my mind at body sport really. No, yeah, no, I agree. Mine's just
sunk similar. Oh, we're just, you know, you're only going to take your time. You know, don't
rush into it, but also don't be blind if someone does come and you do feel the connection there.
Don't be, you know, I'm having some time to myself. You know, don't be blind for you.
Well, don't be blind to it if it's, you know, if the feeling's right, but if the feeling's
not right, just keep moving. You know, there's no rush. There's no, it'll come and then,
you know, then hopefully you do find someone that you don't have to adapt, not adapt because
I suppose everyone will have, everyone adapts to some way from being a one person to a couple,
but you know, there's compromise there. Yeah. Cause once, once you do start to settle down,
you will, as you say, compromise. Yeah. It's not compromise makes it sound worse than what
it is. It's more of just agreeing with each other to bond just the right balance. Yeah.
I mean, you know, it would be just, it could be just something trivial like, you know,
I love pizza, you love Chinese, let's get Italian food instead then. And it's like me
and my partner, she told us the whole house and I felt the towels compromised. Yeah. You
know what I mean? And I'll clean the lampshades. No, but yeah, don't rush it, but don't be
blind if it happens sooner than later, but don't push for it. And then, you know, when
it's there, hopefully, hopefully it's going to be the right one in the long run. And I
would say if there's a lad that you've got friends with and they want to start going,
like taking you out on a date or whatever, just be honest with them. If you don't see
them as relationship material, just tell them. And it might end the friendship, but it's
worth it in the long run. Because if you get friend zoned or if you're putting someone
in the friend zone, it's a drama to happen. Well, do you think Kirsty should do what happened
to you on your stag do and suck a dildo and then go around the club show and random people
it to see? I suppose that would work if she wants to have one of the stans. Don't know
how good that would be trying to find a partner for life really. Otherwise, if that kind of
thing works, I probably would have settled down 20 years ago. Yeah. Also, if you don't
know what Kirsty's full personality is like, you know, trying not to sound rude, but. We
know she's into dolls. That's one thing we've established. Yeah. We don't know if she's
a complete slag or if she's a quiet girl that doesn't really do much. Yeah. Don't be afraid
to take up the arse with your new boyfriend as well. Well, she's young. She's young. So
you know, she's probably already done it. We've established that, you know, this new
generation of doing some wild stuff. So yeah, little freaks. Yeah. Yeah. But it does help
being exploratory with the sexual. You know, I suppose we'll get onto it later, but you
probably should not everything, but try a few things once. I suppose in summary, just
be yourself. Don't push it, but don't ignore it. Yeah. You know, also, I will always sound
about that enough because we've never really. Yeah, Tinder was early before. It was early
because before I got rid of Mrs. I was on it and what was he? Plenty of fish was on
that. Is that what's that one hinge and boom is the thing hinges one. And there's one where
you can leave voice notes. I don't know if all of them can do it now. I don't know. I
think there's bumble isn't that? I really don't know. There was a few back then as well.
So we touched on this. I think it was after part where if someone does come up with a
good, if you do, if you do go, sorry, if you do go on Tinder or you aren't hinged, cursed
it and someone does drop a good pick up line, don't ignore it. Yeah. Remember because you
remember what we spoke about before. Yeah. Cause it is disheartening as a man when you're
putting in an effort to start a conversation and then you get in next to nothing back,
especially if it is Tinder where you're both matching and that's how you can start talking
to each other. Then don't just wait for them to send the first message and then if they
do, unless it's something stupid where they're trying to send a big picture straight after
back with barely even. Yeah. Oh, hi, hello. Yeah. Yeah. Just try and have the conversation.
Don't just ignore me. But as I, yeah, if they're coming out with a stupid comment, try to wait
then just be like, nah, don't worry about it. So yeah, I don't know enough about the
dating apps and that these days to really know. I mean, we're, it's not that we're past
it. It's just that we're settled everywhere. You know, we're both, we don't need it. Yeah.
We don't, we don't. Ain't got enough time anyway. Fucking hell, if I ever split with
my mom, this is, I really don't know how to find the time to fucking find another person.
Would you not just do that like dangerous swipe on Tinder where you just swipe. No, because
I've been catfished before, man. So I wouldn't want it fucking being dangerous. Or I've got
some fucking, oh, the fucking, that trans person that everyone keeps slagging off. Where
it's the man, that's the woman. She's now a woman, but big fucking junkie, fat face
and all that. You've got to see some of the clips. I know who you want to talk about.
I just don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking horrible teeth and all that
as well. I saw her click the other day. There was a few people reacting to it. So she's
in the back of an Uber or whatever. And it's like, guys, I've had to leave the club because
all the men are being shit. And so she's left a lot of time, 10 o'clock and it's like, no
one's fucking try talking to her and that. But she's just a state anyway. Yeah. I know
who you want to talk about. Yeah. She's been on that one where it's like no response or
whatever, where it's the couple of lads and they're all like, I know there's loads of
them. They have a group of girls in and it's like, they're just trying to, it's just like
it's flying in. Yeah. It's that same thing every week. Yeah. I know how much you want.
Let them fucking say, oh yeah, well I deserve to do your OnlyFans or whatever. Yeah. But
you do that and then no man's going to want to be with you. Yeah. Do you want a husband
and all that. But I hate that. And then one's a shit. Some of the comments are funny, the
back and forth with them. The way that the women don't like the answers. When they just
lay down facts and that where it is like mild depression and fucking. Yeah. You want equal
rights, but you expect the man to earn more money and fucking you wouldn't date someone
that works in McDonald's and whatever. It's not that I love watching them and that, but
it's funny watching their reactions when they haven't got anything to say. Now I'm not going
to date someone from McDonald's where a man doesn't give a fuck what you do. As long as
you fucking going to be loyal to her. Yeah. Be loyal to us and fucking say, we'll give
you as much as we ever can. And that's all we'll ever fucking draw and do it. Cause another
bit of advice for you here first now. It's so easy to keep a man happy and I don't know,
it's literally like three things. So well fed. Cause a fucking hungry man is an angry
man. But if the bed is full, always going to be happy. Good sex life. Now don't get
me wrong. I know that like you have your monthly times and you're not always going to be in
the mood, but regular release is always going to keep a man happy as well. Cause basically
he's getting at home. He's not going to be looking anywhere else. He's not going to fucking
accept any advances from girls showing dildo gagging videos while out in the club. And
it's just going to keep him happy. And then the third one I'd say is just a bit of assurance,
just appreciation. Just saying, yeah, I'm glad you've done this for me this week or
whatever. Thanks for getting the car washed. Just a little thanks every now and again.
It's nice just to say I appreciate you this week. There's probably more to it than that,
but I'd say at least the first two definitely. You're always going to keep a man happy. As
I say, blowjob every now and again doesn't go out of miss either. Well, he wouldn't know
who would make it worse. Would he? No, no, no. And I mean, again, we don't know if you're
a spirit or a swallow up, but just taking it is a bit of a ways out. Because it definitely
came to the right place for this advice. All the best advice. And all the real talk. It's
only ever real talk. That's why we named it. Yeah. We do need a guest think about it. And
we need lucky guest. Yeah. Well, to be fair, if any of you people that do listen, want
to come on and have a conversation, even if it was just going to be a phone call, a fucking
video chat or whatever, then we can arrange that. Just to have a chat. I mean, again,
I mean, not enough for you to send an email is really all it is. So we're just, you know,
only three of you at the moment. It's a bit fucking disrespectful really. Remember the
day when we used to get zero. I'm still chuffed when we get one. Honestly, when JD does all
the emails, when he tells me we've got an email, honestly, he just makes it worth it.
So thank you for emailing. No, yeah, we appreciate it. Honestly, obviously, taking time out just
to do an email means a lot to us. Yeah, yeah. And we hope that a voice will, you know, give
you the relationship. Yeah, hopefully we've not put you off with some of our stupid comments
there. But in general, when we were being serious, you know, it's actual advice. And
then yet for anyone else that does want to send an email, it's realtalkingpod at gmail.com
or twitters at jd. Again, on the YouTube real talking pod, you can always leave a comment
on the video there. So yeah, hopefully, because it's happened with that. She should be at
that was some good advice there, Joe. So we've done a lot of other advice anyone else could
ever give that would be any better. Really. So some wisdom that just came down. Yeah.
I mean, apart from where do we get from winning like a ticket, there's not much else you can
achieve. I'm afraid is that then get a good man. Well, she's listening to a good podcast.
So that's two good men. Yeah. So you've almost Yeah, you can't have us. We just ruined her
down. Yeah, sorry. First, but onto the next theme. Oh, no. So Danny G did email him. Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I love how we subject to talk. So obviously, he's listened to the
last one. He's, he's appreciating the self proclaimed title of top shag. And he's gonna
keep the stories coming then JD. Well, she got actually something embarrassing this time.
So when I read this the other day, there was a few that came to mind. But the standard
one. So I won't give too many details on people that I was with. Basically, I was chatting
to this girl a good few years ago. It was fucking feels like 18 or 19. So yeah, a good
few years ago. And the conversation ended up being oh, yeah, having a few people around
more and having a drink and that little fucking come around there. Oh, yes, sweet. few beers
went round. And it was just me and his other lads. Her, her cousin and her mom. And we're
all sitting in the living room watching fucking X Factor or pop oil or whatever it was back
then. No, to be fair, it didn't bother me too much because I knew fucking what I was
getting at the end of the night. So I'm like, yes, I'm having a drink and that having a
chat with everyone. And the lad that was with because we're watching pop all over. Yeah,
yeah, JD sings as well. And fucking I weren't in the mood for it. But yeah, the mother starts
bedroom and she's asking me to sing fucking James Blunt's fucking good ball model. So
to be fair, I've had a good couple of tins at this point. So you know, the brave juices
doing its job. But I don't know the whole song. And I'm there looking at this one. You
let you down. Fucking by my lover. So pretty much I've stopped after the first chorus.
But while I'm singing, I'm looking at the mother. She's crying. I'm not either. I'm
fucking angelic to her right now. Look, the voice is that beautiful that she can't hold
the tears back. Well, she's mentally disabled. So that's a bit of a lot. So I was like, you're
all right. Because yeah, it's just we buried that dog to that song. So they had a dog funeral.
And as he's getting fucking put into the ground, it was James Blunt's good ball model. But
what a strange song to be fucking having when you're burying your dog. She probably taught
me more details about it, but I can't remember the full details. So she was asking me to
sing it again and again and again. I was like, I'm not singing anymore now. Because I'm just
feeling so awkward. If it would have just been like, yeah, I just love that song. Yeah.
But now that I know it was- And every time, obviously she cried every time you was to
sing it. Well, she would have done if I sang it a second or third time. It was literally
just that once. I didn't do it again. So yeah, it was a bit awkward for a half an hour or
so at that point. But me just being a man, carried on drinking anyway. And it was not
a strange set up as a house, but you're walking through the front door, you're straight in
the living room. Then you had like a dining room, then the kitchen and then the bathroom
was at the back of the house. So I've gone to the toilet just to have a wee, not a poody
stop. And then as I'm walking back through, I've grabbed myself another drink out of the
kitchen and the mother was coming through at these points and she stopped me and she's
grabbed me to try and kiss me. And I've just fucking shit myself. I've grabbed her, I'm
like, what are you doing? She's like, I just can't help myself. And I'm not trying to fucking
beat myself up or anything, but yeah, she was full on trying to fucking grab me. Don't
get me wrong, she wasn't a fucking unattractive woman or anything. She was probably mid-40s
or something at that point. So she looked all right, but I'm there to bang her door
to run off. So I'm just fucking, I couldn't get out of the kitchen quick enough. So I
quickly got out and I've just sat there all just fucking nervous and that. And a couple
minutes later, she's coming, the mother has, we just sat down, nothing's happened. So God
knows how many times she's tried fucking doing that. So that was the embarrassing part of
the story because after that I banged the door upstairs and then. Strangely enough,
that's not the only time that's happened to him.
That's happened again?
I don't know if that was before or after this point, but back when I used to do the couch
rewires, it was the first week of working for this company. I got put on this house
and the chap that was also new to the firm that was put with me, he was a real mad bastard,
fucking proper Jamaican. He would chase the walls with an axe, not a hammer and a chisel,
with a fucking axe. So the mess was just ridiculous anyway, but he'd be drinking, he'd have a
big two litre bottle of coke and he'd have rum or something in it. So he'd be drinking
that throughout the day. He didn't drive, so a couple of times he asked me to take him
to the shop and he'd be full of fucking old four cans and whatever. He'd be drinking
them the rest of the day as well. So on the Friday morning, as I've gone to the yard
to get the last of the materials and whatever, the bullman's pulled me to the side and he
was like, Jack, you're not in trouble but I've got to ask you a question. To be honest,
I can't remember the chap's name, but he's so and so drinking on the job. I said, well,
not on the job that I know of, but I've took him to the shop, he's got some cans and he's
very protective over his fucking bottle of coke. But I think he's drinking the cans around
us all because he never actually drank in front of me, but he's buying them and I didn't
see him putting them back in the fucking van as I dropped them off at the yard or whatever.
So I ended up carrying on to the job. They've sacked him fucking as he's turned up. So a
couple of the lads say, so fucking how do we get the fucking job finished? So when he
gets towards the end of the day then, the lady at the house was like, oh, it's a shame
you're going to be finished today then. Because I can't remember her daughter's name. She's
really fancy, she's like, fuck off, fuck off. All embarrassed and that. I've come out with
some bands that whatever I did, top jagger boards. Top jagger roots. All the roots back
in the day. And so again, the more of us just slow the fucking, yeah, we'll grab a little
bit of a house party later if you want to come round. Not yet, so. Fucking. So after
I'd finished, fucking went home, had a shower and that, grabbed a slab of fucking carly.
So 24 cans that was. Fucking drove there. And so I'm sitting there, I'm not, so more
people turning up? No. Fucking it was just me, the mother and the daughter sitting there.
The, I think it was just the mother's boyfriend, he stayed in the bedroom playing his fucking
X-Facts or something. So I didn't even get to see him. I don't have a conversation. So
sitting there fucking drinking away and that. Probably was fucking watching X-Factor or whatever
again, to be honest. I really don't know what I was watching. But yeah, drinking away. The
youngins had a fucking phone, I say youngin, she was like 18, 19, fucking, yeah she wasn't
a child. I ain't into that. So she's had a phone call from a friend and I can hear a
friend fucking crying down the phone or whatever. So some bullshit, she had a night with her
friend and she's like, I'll be back in half an hour. So she's left to go and fucking sort
her friend out. And again I'm just fucking sitting there, we had a conversation, whatever.
And then she's got up and literally just fucking straddled over me on the sofa. I didn't fucking
hold back on this occasion. So she's kissing me, I'm confused as fuck and scared at the
same time. Because obviously a fella's upstairs playing the computer, he can just walk down
at any moment. Fucking. So that's happened for like 30 seconds or whatever. Then she's
got off me, gone into the kitchen to make another drink. And as soon as she walked in
the kitchen, the daughter's come back home then. So just missed out on that. I'm not
fucking out, my heart's racing. And then, I don't know, sat down and had a light rumble
in my bath, she's like, yeah I'm gonna go to bed now. So again the daughter's gone into
the bathroom to go to the toilet and the mother's fucking straddled me again. And I'm fucking
trying to push her off of these footnags. I'm like, nah, fucking she's there. The other
daughter at home, as soon as I got her off me, she's fucking come out of the bathroom
then. I must have been read or something with embarrassment. Because I was fucking shitting
myself. Yeah, so she's gone up to bed, fucking again, done the deed as you do. Wrapped the
world. And then in the morning as I was leaving, the mother's like, I'll just have a quick
chat with you. And she was saying sorry about what she'd done. I was like, don't say anything.
Fucking, yeah, never ended up seeing that girl again after that. I don't know what.
But yeah, I was fucking, my arse was twitching, man. Literally, I was saying, he's upstairs,
he could come down at any point. Even though he was playing a lot of the computer, it's
not like he was making noise, he wasn't shouting. I suppose it was really before headsets and
playing online and that. So I don't know what he was playing. So literally, he could have
come down, I wouldn't have heard. So I was just scared, man. Oh yeah, it was a good night
to be fair. Yeah. Yeah, I had a last drink. And there wasn't many counts that I took back
home. But yeah. So yeah, it happened twice. There is more stories, but hopefully, Dan.
I was going to say, there's a few. There's one that makes me. I know your way to that
story. It's not my story to tell. Nah. But I'm going to fucking. It's like, there's next
level. That's like JD holding back. Yeah. I feel we're going to save that story for
a special episode. Because to be fair, there's a lot of detail in that story. Even just the
build up for it. There's a lot of details that need to be told. I can't just fucking
roll into it. We need to build up. Yeah. Baby steps. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, thanks for that,
Dan. Hopefully that's suffice for this week. Do you reckon Danny Drew is a top shagger?
I think he needs to tell us. Cause like he's once, no, it's like, I don't know if he's
like, he's giving off a bit of Virgil vibes. I don't know if it's just like seeing if your
competition to him, like is he like, does he think he's a top shagger? There's no competition.
I'm married. I need to know. Yeah. All right. He might be my book like back in the day top
shagger. I don't know, Dan, you need to get some more information on yourself. And you
married single with someone. Hey, do you need relationship advice? Yeah. Right. Can you keep
it up since you asked me that last week as well? Cause that's what it was. You must have
done it a few times. Oh, he did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That must, that's probably why, you
know, he's the one that done that vessel, which isn't on last week's episode. That's
a bank episode for people, but yeah, maybe he's the one that can't keep it up. But watches
his Mrs. Fucking twine go ahead. So maybe, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for your mind. Yeah.
Thanks for that. Um, David, uh, you need to go as well. Yeah. I think that we might not
listen to him. He's just a scroll with a left. Yeah. Um, but again, yeah. Uh, anyone that
does want to send in any emails, any questions, uh, you want to give some banter to Danny
jail or else he's asking for it. And he wants something, man. He wants some attention. Yeah.
He's already done. Yeah. So I think we should move on again. Now. Yeah. I think it kind of
leads in to what we've, well, what all the corner can speak about. Anyway, we touched
on it the other week. Kinks. Yeah. Well, this is, this started because I said I'd rather
get pissed on then get pecked. And you said you'd rather get pecked and pissed on. Yeah.
Which for me, so that just says like, obviously people have weird, not weird, but different,
obviously different tastes. So, you know, we're just thinking over fetishes are there
like that, you know, ignore the dog in the background. Yeah.
It looks like, yeah. It's all right. People don't mind the dog barking in the background.
It's organic. Yeah. Real, real, real, real, real dog. It's a cat. It's a cat. It's a cat barking.
So yeah, it kind of sounds to thinking what all that. Yeah. Well, before we start,
what would be your limit in terms of, so you'd get pecked. No, it's not that I would, but I'd
prefer that to getting pissed on. So yeah, any bodily functions, so getting pissed and shit on,
I wouldn't be able to do that because I'm just, I think I'd throw up everywhere. I'm not into
the dominate tricks. Yeah. Sorry, you're going, sorry. Yeah. So I'm not into anything like that.
You know, I'm getting old, I ache enough as it is. So I don't need anyone fucking like whipping me
or stamping on my buttocks or anything, which that is an insane one. Lord, how men enjoy getting the
balls fucking stamped and kicked and whatever. Oh God, it's just strange. And like getting walked
around like a dog as well. You've seen when they do all that. Yeah. So what I've seen, the majority
of the men that do that, where they're like high flying business people. They're literally
because they're always in control and they're telling everyone else what to do, that they
need that reverse. That's what they have to do. Yeah. They have the dominate tricks to get them
on the lead and fucking do all that. Because there's another weird one at the moment. I say it's weird.
I think it's just because it's a younger thing or something, but I don't know what the name of it
is, but basically these women get paid by, I'm assuming mainly men anyway, to just be nasty to
them. So it would be like, yeah. So it'd be sent like 50 quid and then they'll send a voice note
saying, you're a cunt and fucking you're an ugly prick. You've got a little dick or whatever.
Seen fucking print screens where they're getting hundreds and hundreds of pounds just to get,
just to tell someone that they're fucking a piece of shit or whatever.
I don't, I wouldn't fucking want that. I mean, someone can pay me. Yeah. If someone wants to
fucking send us some money. I mean, we'd be happy for the money anyway. But yeah, if you just want
us to slag you off, I know we've been giving top banta and top advice for free. What's your
charge cost? You have to do things about it. Yeah. You owe us two more emails.
Get someone else to subscribe and listen to us. We need more fans.
But yeah, there's, there's a lot of fucking, there's a lot out there. Yeah. I don't want to
say nasty and say, you know, it's just not your taste. People are fucking weirdos. Yeah.
So I suppose my limit, I'm a bit vanilla really when it comes to that. You know,
see, cause I like to just keep it basic, you know, sex is sex. Fucking, you know,
I don't really even do any fucking role play. I suppose if the missus wanted to fucking dress
up and whatever, then we do that. But no, I'm not going to fucking get a boy, but breaking
butt plug and let her in charge of the fucking remote while I'm doing the shop as or anything.
You know, fucking not more puppeteer. Now, there is a lot out there, isn't there? In terms of all
the stuff. Yeah. Obviously you want to be pissed on. So what's your limit? No, no. And I reckon,
you know, the listeners would agree. You'd rather get pissed on than get pegged. Like that's how I
see it, but obviously you're sitting the opposite way. But for me, you get pissed on in the shower,
then you shower. Yeah. You've got to be in the bath or shower. If you've been pegged, you've been
bummed. It's like some things went up there mate. And I did the poison trigger up there one time and
I was bad enough. Yeah. That was because you couldn't get things out. And then yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's a, you're probably the idiot. You never have that problem again there. Loosen your butt.
I haven't had it since. Fucking got to put lube on that glove. Fucking loved it, didn't you?
Best orgasm of your life. Of the American pie. Is that actually a thing? It must be a thing.
And it is meant to be. I reckon you will try that mate. No. You've mentioned you love pegging.
I've never done anything like that. Because again, not that I know of any way of anyone in our friend
group, but when you hear of other groups of lads and the way that they'll sit there and watch porn
together and the first one that gets hard is gay. I know it's always been a stupid thing.
And then the way you hear them say they've fucked the sofa and whatever. I've never
even tried anything like that. Especially when you go through puberty and all that,
you're a young lad fucking, you want to just come and come everywhere. But I never looked at my
fucking sofa when I was a kid. Looking at the cream leather sofa and thought I'm going to stick
more dick in that. Never crossed my mind. Because it just wouldn't have felt nice. It would have
fucking... Sweaty leather that everyone's already been sitting on. Feet all over it,
hands all over it, whatever. What would I want to stick my dick in that? They're not going to
clean it afterwards then as well. I don't see the obsession with people. But again,
younger generation might be different. I don't know. The thing that I've never understood is
lidy boys. Because they're not lidy boys. They're just men with tits. They're not girls with a dick.
There was born my own and just had... Yeah, the breast implants.
Yeah, that's literally it. That's what I want to be.
But it's just something that I've never understood. The fast go tall and lidy boys.
Because it's... Do you remember the Jeff video? I don't know if it was an arm.
Oh, sure it was an arm.
And it was like, Jeff's going to be the dick of it. That was funny.
It was funny, yeah.
You don't go...
Yeah, it's not for me. But again, that's because we're just...
Not that we're out of the towns or anything, but we've just always been heterosexual men.
We don't... Well, I know I don't, personally. Anyway, fans always about same-sex relationships
or whatever. Again, I know it was around when we was kids and that, but it wasn't something that we
wanted to do. It was always just... Only had eyes for girls, basically.
That's just our inclination. Now, I know for a vast majority, it is different. Obviously,
we've covered it numerous times on previous episodes. We're not going to go down a tangent
now, because if you do want to listen to those rants, listen back to previous episodes.
We've grown.
It's not that we've grown. It's just we've ranted enough about it.
I mean, I know there was a lad that was... I'll say a lad. Another trans person I was
speaking to the other week, and he was saying that his niece is in a relationship with
a non-binary or something. Even he was saying, I just feel like she feels pressured to have to
be in this relationship to be accepted by everyone else that she's around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hope that's not the case with a lot of these people these days. But I wouldn't be surprised
if it is. They're trying to fit in, so they're doing something that they're not comfortable with.
But as I say, we're not going to get into a rant about it. I'm fucking sick of all these
fucking queers. Jokes. I am joking.
Now, yeah, as I say, we've gone over it. The opinions are out there. Sam Smith's a dickhead.
But yeah, I'm not going to get pissed and shit on. You're not going to get pegged.
So let's talk about some other strange kinks that we've seen.
Let's do.
Let's do. Now, some of these surprised me actually when we ran through them.
Yeah, so I wouldn't have necessarily known most of these, to be honest.
And they've all got weird names.
Yeah.
So who makes the names? Look, if you're into something, who then decides that name for that
thing? Do you know?
I don't know. I mean, it was probably a man that made the name because that was always the way
it was. Most of the lady parts are named after men. That was just, you know,
bond as keepers sort of rules, weren't it?
Like when you find a plenty.
Yeah, you got to call it after yourself, ain't it?
That's it.
Real talking, funny.
Real talking.
So literally the first list that I clicked on, we've already had a quick read and this is why
I'm going to fucking go through it now because this is just baffling somebody's stuff.
So the first one on the list, I'm pretty sure everyone will know, but it's a necrophilia.
So it's a razzle to corpses.
But how would you, sorry, but how would you know you get a razzle to dead bodies without seeing it?
I don't know how you figured this out.
Yeah, how do you know? Like, oh, that's what I mean, sir.
Yeah, I can only imagine that initially it would be just from watching films and
that character.
Yeah, like when they're doing the autopsy or something.
Yeah. And so then you feel yourself get a bit fucking aroused.
A bit twingey.
Yeah, get a bit stiff.
A bit keen.
Yeah.
I don't know.
But then to actually act on it as well.
But there's only a few jobs, literally a few jobs that you'd be able to do that.
And I'm on about jobs.
Yeah.
You know, obviously you can kill someone and then defeat Jeffrey Dahmer style.
But, you know, literally you've got to work in a hospital or a morgue or a funeral home.
That's pretty much it.
That's it. So you get your kicks.
Well, I mean, it must be harder for women to have that fancy, like that kink fetish,
because unless the corpse is died after having some Viagra or something, it's just a fucking
soft little cock anyway.
But it's just like the visual of it though. They don't want to...
I don't know.
So I know that...
I'm asking like, you know, my...
Yeah, yeah. I've got all the details on it and all.
I know that we've, men have been arrested for it, because it is illegal, necrophilia.
It's because they know that they've done it because as they've done another autopsy,
they've found all the semen in there and that's how they've trapped it to the person.
Again, slowly going off topic. I don't know if it was on the radio or if I read it somewhere,
but there was a lady that had been in a coma for, I don't know, say three years or something.
Yeah.
And she fell pregnant while in this coma.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was like, I don't know if it was like the maintenance guy or...
Oh, no, that one was a nurse.
Yeah, it was one of the nurses.
Yeah, so it was a nurse that had fucking, well, you know, essentially raped her.
Yeah.
She's not consenting.
I'm sure it was the person, I don't know what you'd call him, you know, where they change,
change him obviously, because then they change him and stuff like that.
Is it a cat?
No, fucking hell.
Yeah, we know what we're trying to get at.
It's one of those people that just, you know, changes the clothes, whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So that happened. I know there was another story where...
Hey, how do people, some people's word, like...
Yeah, it is different word.
Just to see someone just like in a coma.
I suppose with that, it's just thinking that you're going to get away with it.
You just spoke about the fear of getting caught.
Can you imagine the fear?
Well, I suppose that's probably a part of it, isn't it?
Maybe just a part of the thrill.
I don't know.
But again, I know there was another story where there was multiple cases over years and years.
With the dead bodies, finding out somehow that they'd been sexually assaulted as the corpse.
And it ended up being the maintenance man.
So he'd be there changing old clothes and that, and then like,
oh, another dead body, I've lost my dick in that. And then it weren't literally until like he was
about to retire that he got caught and then he got locked up. So literally he worked all his life.
And then as he's about to retire, gets fucking done. So spending the last of his life in prison.
I don't know what sort of sentence you'd get for that because they're already dead.
I don't know. Yeah, what kind of life sentence?
Obviously.
On life sentence? I probably should. Well, I say I probably should,
but I wasn't planning on telling that story. So, you know, maybe next time I'll do a bit of research.
So necrophilia, wrong. I don't avoid classes of fetish, but don't do it.
That's not a fetish, that's just illegal.
It's wrong.
It's disgusting. It's disgusting.
The next one is coprophilia, which is the arousal to feces.
So as we've already touched on poop.
Yeah, I'll start some more. I want to get shit on.
This might be a bit funny as well.
Yeah. Do you remember when two girls drunk up was a thing?
Yeah.
And you know, being kids and fucking actually listening to everyone clickily.
I couldn't even watch it as well. I watched fucking beats and then go
because whoever you weaved a lot. No, no, it's finished now. You look again.
And there's fucking another bit of shit being called into a glass or whatever.
It's like, that is disgusting.
But to even fucking do that in the first place.
I want to know.
This is so like, who thinks of that? Who thinks they're going to record it?
And who thinks I'm going to ask this person that I like doing this with shit?
And I go, yeah. And then you ask another, you know, three people.
Well, you ask three people and you film it or whatever way around it was.
How do you is that a community for that?
There's got to be someone. I mean, I imagine there is, yeah.
Because if there's a community for fucking people to share pictures of kids, then
also a community of that.
Would you get paid then when you take a dump
and put it in there and show them you're done just like that or just need to be in person?
Well, would be a bit of a strange audition, wouldn't it?
Mm hmm.
Just one. Just go on out on the floor there and see what you got.
But you know, all the senses from me, the smell.
I don't know if any of you is out there listening.
It just works.
Obviously, it's a shit plan.
Let us know. Tell us what you find fun.
It must be hard. There must not be many people into that.
I bet it's bigger than we expect.
Yeah.
I don't want it to be.
I don't want to even think about it.
I can imagine.
I can say like out of every thousand people, there's like fucking probably like 120 that like it.
I wouldn't want it to be that high, but I would not be surprised.
This one's for all the Japanese people out there.
Konnichiwa.
Throterism, which is the arousal of touching a stranger in crowded places.
Why is that like for Japan now?
Because that's what a lot of them do on the because with the trains and that literally pushing them in
just so they can shut the doors.
And that's where a lot of these girls get all felt up and fucking finger out and all that.
I don't know how you fucking love.
Because it's not like you can fucking really do anything to try and get your dick in and that.
Because you're that squash thing.
So to me, I don't know how to fucking really enjoy it causing someone fucking his comfort,
his pleasure.
But again, that's just obviously personal preference and didn't worry.
You know, I'm not fucking out there to fucking hurt people and that kind of thing.
Not willingly.
You know, I'm all do with words sometimes, but to be fair, if you're offended by anything, I'll say
just give you a red a bubble, any.
So next one on the list,
Leufophilia, which is the arousal to stone and gravel.
That's a lot.
Why are you walking across the walking on this train?
There's a fucking stone and gravel.
Fuck you know.
Look at the curves on that.
I have seen a lot of people walking around barefoot, not just lightly, but you know,
fucking you think about it over the years.
You just see someone walking on the street with no shoes and that.
And they're harmless people.
My no, the fucking love of videos.
Also going to be.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it's one thing to enjoy the fear of the sanding your toes when you're walking on the
beach.
No, hot sand.
Yeah, that ain't fucking making my dick hard.
Well, yeah, plus I don't walk barefoot on the beach.
Yeah, no, not for me.
Oh, gravel.
It looks like a bag of gravel.
We think so.
Oh, you got to rub your fucking dick on it.
Oh, God.
No.
Acritice is the arousal of the sun's rise.
A lot of vitamin D there.
Kid.
Too much debt.
Like Spain, Morocco.
Fucking Australia.
Fucking behind all the time.
I could have walked out the door, keep your guard in your clothes.
Vampire.
Stop.
Because we've got a bit of sun.
Sunshine.
Sunshine, Gary Neville.
So we've got a bit of the sun out today.
And you're just walking down the road.
Everyone's walking past you and you're there fucking teasing all over the place and you
are in your pants.
Imagine if you got that one and the gravel one.
So you're outside in the sun.
Just in heaven there.
Orgasmic.
I bet there's not a ginger person with that one though.
I can't be out in the sun.
This is giving me a bit of sun on my arm.
Imagine if there was.
It's all billy sway.
You're getting fucking hard because you're getting sunburned.
Getting cancer.
Sunburned willy.
Fuck that.
That'd kill.
I got burnt off as a cube.
I would not want that.
I'm more Neville Regions.
I'll tell you though, sorry.
To go back on that one, I suppose if you did like the sun you would be a nitrist.
I suppose.
You know what?
I may be going with the other one as well before that maybe.
Yeah.
I bet that there is a fetish of people getting sunburned.
I bet people love that.
Because as much as I didn't like getting sunburned, it was a nice feeling pulling the skin off.
So I bet there's some people that fucking jizz all over that as well don't they?
I've got a weird fetish.
But not a sexual one.
You've let all the listeners down.
I know.
Bruise pain.
My partner has a bruise. I can't help but push it.
But I don't bruise easily.
I haven't had a bruise for a good three years.
But every time I get a bruise, I just spend the whole time pressing it, pressing it, pressing it, grabbing it, squeezing it, squeezing it.
And the pain, I like it.
I kind of get what you mean.
It's a nice pain.
Depending on where I get a bruise, whether there's a bit of a satisfaction of the little pain or not.
Because the amount of times I've swatted my shins, that's not a nice bruise to press.
Because it hurts.
But I get it if you've whacked your arm and you've got a bruise on your arm.
It can be.
Again, I'm not getting hard over it.
I get what you're saying.
I'm just because we're on about weird things.
And this is real talk.
So we've got to give you our real opinions.
But again, similar to the bruises, if I've got a cut on my leg or my arm, when it scabs over, do you pick the scab off?
No, no, no.
I've never done that.
Not Lord Compton every ten minutes as soon as it's dropped.
But I'll sit there and pick the scab off.
No, I've never crossed my mind.
Because that's a nice feeling, it's peeling the scab off.
I know you've got a scab on your knee at the moment, Lord.
Not if it's continuously bruising, but when you're just exposing the fresh new skin underneath, it's just fucking feels nice, man.
Yeah.
So back to the fetishes.
Sexual.
Zoroophilia, which is the arisen of wood.
You see it, Trey.
Yeah, so that sort of makes you think about all the fucking tree huggers back in the day and that, Lord.
Save the rainforest.
That can't be a thing.
I mean.
What's the...
I think it's like rule 34.
If someone's thought of you, there's a porn of you.
I know.
That's a word.
Right, they're all straight.
Yeah.
Jerem Toffia is arisen to elderly people.
So someone's going round to your nan's house.
Not us personally, but going round to a nan's house.
Oh yes, Deirdre.
Go on, get that jumper on.
Go on, girl.
Get the biscuits out.
That's it.
Shortbread.
Well, that's original.
Yeah.
Oh, that reminds me.
Those fucking sweets, come on, people.
You know what we're like with our fucking tangents.
Those sweets were called Campinos.
Them fucking sweets.
Oh, right, yeah.
We couldn't remember them the other week.
So they were like a fucking yogurt, strawberry.
Yeah, I was reading them on Starbucks.
Campinos.
But yeah, so going to the post office, seeing the elderly there,
working in an old people's home, and then cruise ships.
That's probably one of the few things that you can get the most out of that.
I don't know if we spoke about this on another podcast.
Maybe so, I can't remember.
So you know, when you're on cruise ships,
an upside down pineapple means you're swingers.
Yeah, so pineapples are a...
And a cruise ship is one big massive swinger party.
Depends on which cruise ship you're going to.
Like an adults only one.
Yeah, it's adults only.
Some of them will have speed dating or whatever.
But yeah, if it's a family cruise ship, where there's kids running around,
it's after 9 o'clock.
When I went to a cruise, and I don't know if it was done on purpose,
because it's a pineapple upside down, right.
So the pineapple's upside down.
Because there's different meanings for which plane you have it.
I think a pineapple upright is just soft swing,
so you're just fucking in front of other people.
But when it's upside down, it's full swing, so you swap.
And I don't know, so when I went to Greece last,
there was a Lila, there's a pineapple upside down,
right outside the door.
So to do it, you'd have to hold it up and close the door.
So when you pull the door, it'll just fall forward then.
And I thought, that's strange.
They had all this space to put it obviously next to the door,
even in the fucking room.
So when I saw one of them, I was like, I know what you used to do.
That's where my mind took me with that.
I didn't knock on.
No, no, just wall train.
Short straddle.
With pineapple short side.
Yeah, I know that a lot of people have just gone to the club
with a little pineapple pin,
and that'll start the conversation with people as well.
I mean, pineapple in general, don't even love pineapples.
Especially not a pizza.
No, no.
Fuck you if you love that.
Ham and pineapple pizza.
It's got to be the worst pizza, ain't it?
Yeah, fair enough.
If you're into that kind of thing, give it to yourself.
We don't care.
Don't email us about that, please.
Well, pineapple and cheese on a stick is nice.
That's it, I just don't want pineapple.
I'm not even really a fan of the juice, unless it's in alcohol.
Rune.
It is.
Right, so we've only got a couple left of these.
Thanks for listening still.
Agal, agalmatophilia, I'll probably butcher half of these anyway.
Arousal to statues.
So again, you can just walk around in a museum in that look.
Yeah, look at that, fucking sitting there with his head on his fist, fucking getting
out of that.
But it can be a bit more understandable because you think of a lot of these ancient Greek
statues where it's the women with the tits out and fucking the men with the little fucking
cock hanging out and all that.
I suppose that can be a kickstarter to get your juices blowing.
I suppose before there was porn and porn on mags.
Yeah.
There's no page three no more.
Yeah, there wasn't much to...
Oh God.
Sorry, I know we're going off again, but I think boring must it have been?
It was bad enough when we was kids and you had to fucking hope that there'd still be
a page three from the sun left, that you could take that left.
Remember they have Cedars, they have some time on the page three to be ripped down and
stuff.
Yeah.
And so you've got to try and fucking use that for your imagination because we, as growing
up, we had internet, but it wasn't as easy as fucking what we've had.
Couldn't survive like today's.
Nah, fucking...
I mean, I've got stories about that to say for another part anyway, like the old MSN
days and stuff.
But yeah, you couldn't, it took like five minutes to load a picture.
So if you tried to get a fucking porn video on there, well, they didn't exist.
They probably did, but not for fucking the old diadop.
Put that on the phone, I'm trying to speak to my mate.
God, shit that is, man.
So yeah, fucking how bad must it have been to fucking have to rely on sneaking past the
statue just to see some fucking little dips or a fucking little dick to try and remember
that.
To run back home and fucking just blast one over.
Oh God.
So glad that fucking we have technology.
Until it takes over that is.
Formicophilia, arousal to insects.
No, no doubt.
I don't know why someone would be sitting there looking at a fucking spoiler on the
cobweb in the corner that they haven't cleaned up.
To be fair, I don't know.
It's just like...
To be fair, I probably should have done it in reverse order because we've gone from extreme
to...
Yeah.
I mean, this is still fucking just stupid.
Let's say, look, while you're looking at it like a fucking insect and thinking, oh yeah,
all them fucking legs all over me, fucking getting me.
Fucking imagine if you say a centipede.
Fucking 100 eggs.
Fucking overdrive.
Fucking super blast.
Right.
And then the last one on this list.
There was plenty of websites.
If you want to fucking Google it and that yourself, have fun.
There's some strange ones out there.
Stoichophilia, arousal to the thoughts of hellfire and damnation.
So literally someone, they've just been a knob or whatever.
And then you turn around and say, fuck off, go to hell.
That's just got them off.
It's weird.
What would you fucking think about...
You never put the cooker on me.
Yeah, I suppose not.
Never been around a barbecue.
No, can't smoke.
Yeah.
Why did you smoke it so it just go...
Fucking strange.
Literally thinking about permanent torture and that in the afterlife is getting you hard.
I don't know why these things exist.
I don't know what is the name for it.
There's obviously more than one person for it to become a conversation.
And then, yeah, have a title.
And obviously we're talking about it right now.
So send us in your kinks what you'd like to do or have done to you.
How many times you want to wank over a statue.
I mean, you might be into paintings or something.
I bet that's one as well.
There's one for insects.
So, yeah, to all you little fucking weirdos or freaks out there.
Kirsty and Danny J.
David.
David, don't even know.
David, stop listening to that episode.
No, I don't, mate.
Yeah, fucking hell.
Yeah, you probably have some subscribed now, haven't you?
Yeah.
Dan's fault, that is.
Scared him.
Just didn't want to be, did it?
So, yeah, send us in your questions, emails, your thoughts on any of the weird shit we've just gone through.
Any of some weird shit?
It was a bit deflated, I think a few of those to be honest.
Fucking, I need to go home and cry or something.
But I'll have a drink instead.
That's it.
I need to throw it out.
Not when you're going to be listening to this, but at least for us right now.
Because that's how things work.
So, we record, edit, post.
Well, I don't.
Yeah, enjoy and we'll see you next week.
Bye for now.