Hi everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Real Talking Podcast with your host
Ashley from Jayad. So we're going to start off with another email questionnaire. So we've
got a new person, Danjir, we've got a bit of competition there kid. We've got an email
from David. David boy. David boy. Dave, little Dave, big Dave, don't know who you are, how
big you are or anything. It's ironic, who's will I? So he's asked, he's emailed just this,
love the poo stories. Have you got any more? Doesn't have to be about poo, just something
funner. Right. Okay, yeah. So I'll go to story and it's, we touched on a bit last week where,
you know, you know, when you had good numbers going out. Yeah. So every now and again, we
used to go to Buster a full night out and I don't know why we did because we never used
to stay in the hotel, we just sleep in the van. And yeah, we had a couple of chaotic
nights like that. Yeah. So this one night in particular though, is the lad that was taking
us down, he had his big sprinter van. I won't say his name, just in case or whatever. But
yeah. So if I remember right, we had three in the front, obviously driving the two and
pastures in the front of the van. And I want to say there was about six or five or six
in the back of the van at the time. I know which not you run up, babe. I can't remember
how many there was. I don't, because I think there was about eight of us in total. Yeah.
So yeah, there would have been about five because no one else drove there. No, no, that
one particular time was just, yeah, just the one vehicle because we was meant to say someone's
house, wasn't we? No, not that night. Not that night. I thought we was, that's why we ended
up sleeping in the van. No, no, no, not this night I'm on about. Maybe that was another
night. We had a few occasions like that anyway. Yeah. But this night, because I remember this
night, you was, you got fucked. So anyway. I was pretty much every time. I don't think
there was a time that we went out in Worcester and I wasn't completely retards. Yeah. Yeah.
So literally, I remember we were all confirmed going out. Ain't no one of us were going and
I had to get rid of it, all every was. So I remember thinking, well, I'm going to do
it because I know we're going to end up sleeping there. That's what we've done. My old bed
a bed underneath my bed in case someone stopped over. Yeah. So I just took the mattress from
that and put in his van. And I remember thinking, no, I'm going to get fucked tonight. Went
up the road, brought a lamb brine, a bottle of lamb brine. Do you remember that? Like
£2.74 over to Cherry Flavour. You know. Yeah. Cause we used to get the bottles of Jacks
as well. Yeah. Yeah. So we obviously that's the part where I wouldn't do it now. What
the fuck would I see in the back of a van? Getting fucked with the fire alarm. So anyway,
so. Lamb briney girls. No, but I wanted, I wanted to be, when we walk into the club,
be already on the, on the bus. Yeah. So I remember I put my chinos on, that's how long
ago we was, even though they're making a comeback. I still wear mine from time to time. I'm not
going to go out. I've just got them. Yeah. And I just don't always feel like wearing
jeans. I like wearing chinos now. When we go out, that's what I wear. Cause I feel,
anyway, anyway, anyway. We'll set it to fashion tick you off for the rest. So, you know, we
should do our own just to fuck about. Anyway, so back to the story. So went up the shop,
Lamb briney feeling it. Anyway, chinos on, pair of hands on, I don't know, whatever
t-shirt was the time ready to go. All of us in the back, three of us in the front. And
on the way there, I remember all of us just sitting on my mattress, just talking shit,
drinking. Went out. It was good, good, good enough. No, I remember you and the driver
though was smash. So one of the other lads had to drive back. Now see, I can see you.
So, yeah. Yeah. So cause to be fair, when me and him were always out together, it's
not that it was a competition, but it was, well, we used to egg each other on to drink
more. And we'd get rounds together. Um, which there'll be a story for another episode really
of those kinds of antics. But yeah, we almost force feed ourselves. Yeah. You chose to
outman each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, yeah, long story
short. So in the club, we went on to seven bottles, seven pound bottles of champagne.
It was a club called Trump's. I don't know if it's still there or whatever. So you have
more to rooms anyway. Yeah. Cause there was like five rooms in there. Yeah. So you had
that strange spiral staircase. Yeah. How did not many people fall down that or up here?
I can imagine some people did and to have that good view of everything where you could
do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, good night, usual back to the van, but this is
always different. Normally we still sleep in the van or get an hour or two, then drive
back. But the one that does like now I'm going to drive on the driver. So back in the van.
So much of it now, I think, I think there was only two in the, no, there's a two in
the front. Anyway, anyway, there's two or three in the front, but the lad that was driving
is now in the back. I remember him and you being absolutely spashed. I can't say what
he was saying. It was just on, was it the usual banter that we had together? Yeah. It
was just, it was like you used to together. I used to love that experience because I know
it was good night. You know, when you cheeks hurt from laughing. Anyway, all of a sudden
the lad gets, he's had a fear for you to drink himself. First turn curbs it. Boom, boom. Curbs
you on the wire. So he set the tone. So anyway, as he's gone and slot the I rode the mine road
out of there, it quickly bright. So all of us in the back went flying into the front
of the van. Boom. Yeah. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. But he was doing that on purpose.
He said no burning. He done that on purpose. So I remember them, we all put the matches
at the back and we was trying to like. Just brace ourselves. Yeah, brace ourselves. So
when he done it, because literally imagine a van going 70 miles an hour and then breaking
like obviously gravity just does its thing. Yeah. All them G forces. That's it. So, so
he's been doing this for about 20 minutes now. And then I remember this one time he's
done it. And it's like the only way I can describe it. It's from the scene from guardians
see to where yonder is just broken out the cage with Rocky. And he's, he's killing all
the people with the arrow and that he's walking normal, but everything else around him is
going really slow. And he's got that, uh, the giant American song. Uh, anyway, I'm trying
it. Yeah. Yeah. And a little cafe at the border. That's anyway, that, that's a song that's
playing on the movie at the time. So just like that in my vision, everything's going
normal, but everything's going really slow. So the lot of different fronts quickly, the
breaks on. And I've just seen one, the lab literally legs go underneath him to a complete
one. I'll it. So he's vertical upside down now. Literally in an instant, like, like, like,
like he's being possessed. So he's flipped upside down, straight into the, um, I don't
where we're smashing. So we're still petition. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He did the petition and
strung his head forward and he was like, ah, ah, anyway, we stopped the van got him all
that. Anyway, I put him in the front. He was falling and that's pretty much, you know,
cause he thought he broke his arm. Yeah. We thought he broke something. Yeah. And, you
know, he's just the only way I can describe it is literally it was standing up Roy and
then just, he was upside down. Like literally within an instant, his feet replaced his head.
Yeah. And he was just straight into the back. That's it smashed into your head first thing.
And anyway, it turned out the lad says, all right, it's a good job that he done that because
we was on a drive to Western super mayor. Cause he was, we was planning to go to McDonald's
the one up near to us at 24. Anyway, but that was going to park, go to Western super mayor
and find a McDonald's there and then we'll stop there. But yeah, I thought that was just
a funny story because literally we were just there, like six men up in the back of a van
smashing off this barricade of the war. And then the one time it's illicit, just flipped
like he was possessed upside down into it. It was inevitably going to happen though.
Cause he was fucking around standing up anyway. Yeah. We're trying to ride it. Yeah. And it's
not how no one really got properly hurt anyway. I don't know. You wouldn't even think about
doing that now. Well, no, it's, uh, I mean just the fact that we were just drunk and
the, uh, drove and he started to carry on driving back instead of, uh, just getting
his head down for a few hours. It's not, not except what it's not condoned. No, but we
used to fuck about up there. We used to go back to the van to just talk. I saw the vans
for about two hours. Yeah. Cause I know sometimes we'd still have a bit of a lot of pre drinks
in the van. Then we'd carry on drinking afterwards. Wouldn't we? Yeah. Cause I remember on the
one occasion, we grabbed a McDonald's and whatever. And, uh, the one lad was waving
his food outside of a tramp who was sitting on the floor hoping for a bit of change. He
just waved his bag of, like his Big Mac or whatever right in his face. Nasty. I'll tell
also a funny story. What just comes to me when I was a kid, I went to the shops around,
um, on break and as I was walking back to school, I've been drove past and he had a
McDonald's milkshake and he threw it up. Why would anyone do that? Why? I've never looked.
This was like a grown man. I mean, like it was probably about our age. And that's like
35, like going up like 35, 40, like a man milkshake. Like a 40 year old kid. Like what
the fuck man? You've not enjoyed a simple pleasure there. Thank you. Cause I've done
that before. I've not launched a milkshake at someone, but I've drove past like a group
of school kids and a lot of people, a lot of shaggy little wankers or whatever. Cause
it's just funny just to see the reaction. But it wasn't even a group. It was just me
and the other lad walking back into school from guns to shop. And I mean, his gazes and
passionate side aren't like half out, like, like torso out the van. Why? I'd say that
one of the funniest times of something along them lines was in the van with a builder I
used to work with, I think it was around star bridge. And we've the, not that it's sunny
at the moment, when the sun's out, people ought to get the guns out. But these lads,
he was, he was just a skinny lad. You know, one of the ones that thinks that the lot hens
and that. So he's got his big old walk on him thinking he's the fucking dog's bollocks.
And the builder is just, as we're driving past, his wolf whistled a lot at him out the
window and going, all right, gorgeous. And this lad, his face just corrupts. And he tried
not running at the van, not even though we're driving up the road, he just tried running,
you're fucking puffs and whatever he's shouting. He just ruined his day because he's thinking
he's a geezer and he's fucking, like women are driving past and they're all getting
pissed or something. That's all wrong with that geezer because he's so, he hung up on
a big comment there. He just said that. He definitely says something along them lines
there. So wrong. But he, he, he. He should know better. He was probably about 12 years
ago. So yeah, it was acceptable though. Definitely acceptable to be a queer basher. So my story
is a little bit different. It does involve drink really, because the night before, as
most weekends, we was always on it, Friday, Saturday and occasional Sundays as well. So
to be fair, I don't know where we would have went or who I would have been with or anything
that I thought, just know I'd had a right to drink. And I've been roped into working
on the Saturday for the sound builder, actually. He got in with his architects and we ended
up doing a lot of footballers houses. And this was the first one that I've worked on.
So the whole job we was doing the kitchen and whatever extension work and stuff. But
I was absolutely hanging. Ed was banging. I hadn't had a breakfast or anything.
Oh, she's hungry as well.
Yeah, I was hungry. I grew up next to the bank as well. So I had to get a bucket of
water and washed that away. And got to the point then, stomach starts to go a little
bit, not for another seat, but the other end, I need to go for a dump. But the builder,
he just used the toilet downstairs and he cleared out the whole of the ground floor
basically anyway. He just stunk it out and I was not going to go into that toilet.
Well, after this, I've got a story about you as well.
I know what you want to go through.
Yeah, sorry. So the builders stunk at the toilet downstairs.
The rest of the lads, they're trying to ride through it, but they've all gone out for some
fresh air. But I needed to go to the toilet as well. So I've done the next best thing.
I've gone upstairs. First bedroom I've walked into, gone into the ensuite.
So was there not a toilet upstairs that you could have used?
There probably was, but I wasn't going to start opening all the doors.
Oh, so you wanted to go in the ensuite.
Yeah, I just knew it's a rich person's house. Every room is going to have an ensuite.
And I just so happened to walk into a bedroom, saw the ensuite there, so walked into it.
Started to let loose. Next thing, phone starts ringing and it's you that's called me up.
And I don't know if I told you I was working the night before or whatever, but you was like,
what are you doing? I was like, I'm having a shit.
You'd asked me whose I was at and I didn't know what footballer's house I was in at the time.
I just knew I was at a footballer's house.
So once I'd finished the business, wipe my ass, which there's a right way to wipe your ass.
I'll say that for another time. I've heard too many people.
There's been discussions on other podcasts I've listened to over the last few weeks of people not wiping their ass right.
I don't know why.
In what way?
I don't know. I've had skids in the boxes afterwards.
I know accidents can happen when you trust the fire too much and a little bit of the seat's got to be out or whatever.
But you've got to wipe right.
I don't get boy, particularly men, don't wipe their ass right.
You've got to make sure everything's gone.
Do you stand up to wipe your ass?
No.
I do both. I style off sitting down.
We'll have this conversation now. I'll come back to the story.
So I have tried standing up. I find that you can't get everything off.
I know you folder or scruncher.
You can't scrunch.
See I'm a bit above mate.
No. So, right.
Excuse this conversation for a few minutes.
If you're eating, pause it, finish your meal and then press play again because it's going to get a little bit graphic now.
So on the initial wipe, I'll get two sheets.
Now, it's always this is always dependent on the quality of the toilet roll as well.
You can't do this with as the special home brand of sandpaper.
You've got to have a good quality, you know, puppies on a roll or a shadow or something.
If you really if you can afford it because they're expensive.
Well, to be fair, a lot of these ones that everyone's seen on TikTok where it's 60 odd rolls for 12 pounds and that.
I'll show you the other month.
Wasn't on TikTok. It's from Amazon.
But that's good stuff.
Triple quilted and that.
So the initial wipe, you get two sheets off.
So two squares put together.
So fold it in half.
It looks like one square, but it's double quilted.
So if it's triple quilted, you've got six quilts on there.
You do your initial wipe because especially if it is a bit of a messy one that you know you've got to get the toilet brush out.
You can give it a clean afterwards.
You gain a good coverage and you're not going to have the accident of your fingers slipping through or anything.
So you give it a wipe.
And why do people look at the tissue after the first book, even though they know there's stuff on there?
It's the first boy.
Right. So I don't look at it too.
Luckily, but look, you know, there's stuff on that first board.
Everyone knows there's stuff on there.
Unless it's a ghost one.
Those are amazing when it's a ghost one.
Boys, and the ghost book ones, it's when you're pooping.
Yeah, it just comes out and there's no evidence.
It's like you never had a shit.
A fart mott in the toilet, but there's no evidence.
So, yeah, I don't look at it to see what's on there.
I do the wipe and I fold it.
And then I give a second wipe.
You double it on the same what?
Reuse the thing twice.
This is something you need to remember.
I'm fucking tight.
And with every with all this crisis going on, everyone's got to save the pennies.
So take notes.
This is how you save on toilet roll at home.
So, yeah, do the first one.
Fold it in half.
Give another wipe.
Let it drop into the toilet.
OK.
And then it's one square at a time.
Why? Yeah.
So then you give a wipe back out, fold, give another wipe.
So you do that for as many times until you've got the initial poop from around the hole in between your bum cheeks.
If you've got a hairy ass, you know, any clinging onto the hair and that until that's all gone.
Then the last couple of sheets with the square again, just a little tease.
Just I mean, I was going to say, do you stick anything?
And I mean, you just piercing into it.
You're not playing with it.
Yeah, you're not doing the job.
If you touch your first knuckle, you've gone too deep.
You literally you don't even want you don't even want to feel your fingernail.
You just want a little bit of insertion.
So you do it on one corner.
Rotate the paper.
Do it on the.
But if people like getting pecked, then they should.
Yeah, you definitely need to go to the knuckle.
If you enjoy being pecked, you should be douching anyway.
So you're cleaning your ass in that sense.
So you give three little pokes and you check after the first two to see how much residue is on there.
And you do that on a step until it's all clean.
So you're just seeing pure paper left.
You don't want to see any brown stains whatsoever.
And that is the most convenient way to clean your bum.
Right.
All right.
Now we've.
Now I've had it before where I was on a building.
So we convert a load of houses and I had to go.
There was no toilet roll, but I was right next to a sink.
So I have had to use my hands.
But I did wash my hands afterwards.
To be fair, that's a cultural thing that do the back side of that.
Yeah.
Several Asian countries.
And it was kind of eye opening.
Not because I think.
And that when you do with a bidet.
Yeah.
So which that's something that I do want to get actually, because there's I think the product is called Tushy.
So it's like a little attachment that goes onto the toilet.
Gives a little squirt just to help clean.
But yeah.
So anyway.
Back to the toilet.
The story in question.
So yeah.
Finished wiping.
Back to our door.
Not clean.
And what I ended up doing was finding a picture.
And I had to send it to you.
This was before WhatsApp as well.
So I've literally.
As I've left the ensuite, I've realized I was in the master bedroom.
And it was a wedding picture.
And I'm not going to pro evo because that would be like.
Risk, crunt.
Because the pro evo is now.
Former West Brom captain at the time as well.
Chris Brunt.
I was in his and it's his wedding picture that I'd sent over to you.
And then within seconds of you receiving it.
Phone started ringing again.
And all I've heard.
As soon as I've answered, he's just pure loud laughter.
Which was too loud for my hangover at the time.
So I couldn't even hold the phone next to me.
And you're in between your laughs.
You're trying to get out.
It's Chris Brunt's house.
You've just had a shit in Chris Brunt's house.
Yeah.
It was only was it just his house.
He was on sweet.
I remember being in the car with a few of the other lads.
And I saw them.
What you said.
I called to see if he's coming.
But because obviously for God that you had.
Yeah.
Anyway, we was just joking about.
I've seen all the lads.
So when it came, when you send the picture.
Obviously.
Yeah.
She couldn't get the words out because he was just funny.
Yeah.
And because I remember I was in his garage at some point during the job as well.
There was a man of the match.
Bottle of champagne.
Playing against Man United.
Which I did want to steal that to be fair.
Because that would have been an expensive bottle of wine.
But champagne, sorry.
But that sort of started a bit of a running theme then as well.
I worked in several footballers houses after that.
Matthew Lawson, who was playing for Aston Villa at the time.
Absolute fucking wanker.
Apologies for going off the stories now and going on to a bit of a rant.
But what a lazy piece of shit he was.
And his missus.
So we got there.
They're on holiday.
I don't go to these houses to see the...
I didn't go there to see the footballers or anything.
It was just to do the work.
But he's gone on a holiday.
They've left dirty clothes all over the place.
Dirty nappies and everything.
Not just in the bathroom, but in the kitchen where we're working.
Left them light for the cleaner to come and sort out.
You've got people coming in your house.
Have a bit of decency.
So we ended up doing all of his house up and that as well.
When he'd come back on the last day, we'd already finished.
I was sitting in the van waiting to go.
And he's pulled up.
Top of the range, Land Rover and that.
And he meets his missus and the babbys got out of the car.
And them two wouldn't even look at us.
As I say, I'm not there to have a conversation.
I'm not a Bill of Fan.
I'm not a Layton fan.
I'm not trying to get a conversation and have an autograph or anything.
Just fucking crack on.
To throw it out. I want to go home.
But the fact that they wouldn't even look to say hello.
And the child was probably not free or something.
He's walking around and he's like, Hiya, he's trying to say hello to us.
And the mother's just grabbed him.
Get away from them. Get away from them.
I don't even want to speak to you child either.
Just fucking, just have a bit of respect.
Absolutely ignorance.
Jamie Vardy was saying, his missus wasn't.
Did you poop in his arse?
I did yeah.
In his underwear?
No, it was the downstairs toilet next to the kitchen.
And utility that we were doing for him.
Because we conveyed his double garage into his games room.
And that was just before they won the Premier League as well.
Because that's where they celebrated.
Yeah.
Winning the league.
I imagine you can probably get it on YouTube.
But the party they had after the celebration are winning the Premier League.
Yeah.
That room.
They watched, was it the Tottenham Chelsea game in Vardy's house?
And obviously I think if Chelsea won, obviously Leicester became champions.
And that's where they were watching the game.
Yeah.
Jamie was saying, we had a skip on his drawing.
And he had a McDonald's wrapper or something.
And he's throwing it, trying to throw it into the skip.
But completely missed.
Us being men just laughed at him, took the piece.
Sticked to football you dickheads.
And he's like, fuck off.
But again, he's missed his ball, miserable fucker.
He did study.
He doesn't live in his house anymore anyway.
So what was a converted life?
Half of it was their bedroom, the ensuite.
The other half was what we made into a walking wardrobe.
And there was 17 different compartments, all just for shoes.
Just absolutely ridiculous.
And there and on, this is before he was earning good money.
But don't get me wrong, he was only earning good money.
But obviously when they won the pre-election, he started earning I think 75 grand a week or something like that.
So yeah, just absolutely ridiculous.
I nearly got the chance to work at Bale's, but I didn't get to go there.
But again, I've heard stories about that.
I don't know if it's still the case, but he used to pay his brother-in-law 50 grand a year just to pull his cars in and out of his garage every couple of days.
Perfect job, isn't it?
Take my Ferrari for a spin for 10 minutes.
Just up and down the country.
Jewelry service.
I know at the time he was having his garden landscaped into an 18-hole golf course as well.
Nice.
Yeah, not bad.
The daughter's Wendy house was bigger than most average three-bedroom houses as well.
They had a horse riding paddock around it.
To be fair, he was on 600 grand a week.
Yeah, something like that.
It's nothing.
Pocket change for him.
Yeah, fucking...
So that was my funny story.
David, I hope you enjoyed that.
That was a good question, thank you.
Speaking about the builder stinking out the downstairs, I remember another time we went to Worcester.
And we went to McDonald's in Worcester.
Yeah, so this was one of the occasions that we actually did go to sleep after being eight or nine.
Yeah, so I think the McDonald's opened about five o'clock.
It was early anyway.
He went at 24.
Was he at 24 or 7?
That was all day.
So anyway, I had a little kid.
He needed his shit.
And one of the lads was like, I don't want anything.
So anyway, he comes in about four minutes, walks in and stands next to me.
I can't remember if I've just finished my food or just got my food at this point.
He walks in and goes,
the fuck's that smell?
Fucking stinks.
And I went, mate, that's JD.
And you've literally just come out of the toilet stand.
And I remember him being so angry.
Look, he just turned away and went back in the van, didn't he?
He went, eh?
And I remember him going to me after.
Was that really JD?
Yeah, he was like, fucking disgusted.
I remember that.
Oh yeah, it was a wave.
Literally.
It's like,
I remember at one point going outside and coming back in.
And as soon as you got in, and I mean, the toilets were at the back.
Yeah, yeah.
Because where the counter was, you could order the food.
Because back in the day, you used to have to go to the counter.
There wasn't these screens to order your food.
You physically went to the counter.
And he was to the right of that, wasn't he?
He was to the right.
Because you had a door on the left to go into the kitchen.
Or the doors on the right were for the toilets.
So I can imagine people smelling it.
And then progressively, as they were to order food,
getting worse.
Oh, it was so hard.
Oh my God.
I remember obviously sitting there.
I'm already smelling it because it's coming out of there.
But these gays have come in,
and they've opened the door like, what the fuck?
He's gagged a little bit.
It's so horrible.
And then he's walked up.
So it must have been as he's come in, that's just opened the fucking cell.
Yeah, just like.
And allowed the smell to escape.
I can't describe it to you.
But it hit.
And when it hit, it was like the back of your throat.
Yeah, for the male audience of legal age that does like a bed,
it's your typical pure alcohol induced load.
Because nothing was started, let's be honest.
Nothing.
And so it's a mixture of all the different drinks.
You know, the beers, the shots and fucking everything.
That just all come out.
They would have had to open all the windows and doors for a good few hours to air that out.
Because that was horrendous.
Which as we all know, McDonald's can't do that.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
So that must have stayed in there for good while.
I mean, I reckon people about three hours later would walk in and be like, oh.
The problem DJ.
It was a bad one.
Yeah.
It's the worst smelling shit of smell.
And I didn't even in the cube.
I went even in the toilet.
That's how bad it was.
I was in the restaurant, a bit like a restaurant.
I was in the restaurant having my McDonald's premium breakfast meal.
And I went in the toilet, sat on the cubicles and it smelled bad.
The problem with most of them McDonald's toilets,
because I remember that one being the same anyway,
there was like two urinals and one cubicle.
I see it was tight.
Yeah, so it's already a small room.
There's not much space for that gas to escape.
It was just there.
You've got to go.
I've done enough damage to toilets over the years.
Also, even though this one meant to be a poop question,
we talked about it.
Look, it didn't have to be poop, but there's a lot of poop involved.
Yeah, I mean, look, I've got loads of stories that we could go on and on about.
We'll save them for other occasions.
If anyone else wants to email in and ask us questions, ask for other stories.
Yeah, yeah, just anything, just advice.
Yeah, yeah.
He's given you advice how to wipe your ass.
That's the best advice I've learned this week, I tell you.
Hi everyone, it's me, this is me, Face.
Just want to remind you, we want you to send in any questions that you might have,
any topics you want us to talk about.
Email us at realtalkingpod at gmail.com.
Tweet us, it's Ash and JD.
That's the Twitter handle.
So literally anything that you might have, just tell us.
Literally, doesn't matter to us.
Send them in.
See ya.
That's for those who don't know.
It's always been a bit of a touchy subject as well, the toilet roll issue we pay.
Because...
I know who he's going to say.
We can't say.
I don't get why so many people have to waste toilet roll.
So I won't say any direct names or anything,
but there was a time where I had guests staying over at mine,
and I had to take my personal good toilet roll out of the bathroom
because it was just getting wasted.
The time before when they had stayed over,
two rolls were used within the space of a day.
So let's just say I'd gone to work in the morning,
come back ten hours later,
and it was like...
Say it went from four down to one and a half that was left in the pack.
I'm like, how has it all gone?
No one's shitting that much.
Between three people in the house, no one's shitting that much.
So on that second occasion,
I took my puppy's own roll out of the bathroom,
I went to ASDA, bought their fucking sandpaper,
and left it in there.
And over the space of two days, six rolls were gone.
Two days?
Yeah.
Well, it might have been three days, but still.
Yeah, look, so like Friday to Sunday, point-of-point, yeah.
Yeah, it's just not acceptable.
I don't get why some people have to get the roll,
wang it around the hand several times,
like they're trying to make the fucking mummy hand or something,
just to wipe.
Awesome. Yeah, awesome.
I know we're not going on this theme, but we're doing it.
When we went to Cyprus, yeah,
obviously you can't put your toilet paper down,
obviously the pan in it.
Some countries...
Yeah, so like Greece, Cyprus, nothing Turkey.
The sewer system doesn't allow it.
Yeah, because they literally are
that ancient of sewage systems.
The pipes aren't big enough to be able to cope with
toilet roll and other stuff to go down along with poop.
So what you're meant to do is wipe
and put it in the bin.
Oh, it's just...
Yeah, well, I remember when we were in there,
you had a shit, I was like...
Did you flush, and you were like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, you weren't supposed to, and you were like, fuck up.
But that bin, so it's like...
It was just a tiny bin.
How long?
How many? Six of us in this fucking villa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So six people's worth of fucking shit tissue.
Then who gets that bag then?
One of us would have had to have taken that bag out
and put it into the bin.
I think we all flushed it, and he just flushed it down.
Yeah, because obviously we just informed you about McDonald's
or something, so I'm not going to put everyone else
through that throughout the whole day,
especially when we're trying to have a drink
around by the pool and fucking having a barbecue and that,
and you're just smelling shit coming from the bathroom.
Fuck that. It was a lead-on living, but still.
Yeah, but yeah, I mean, for a question that didn't need to be
she'll be out, spoke a lot of shit.
We have got other stories, they're not all peer-related,
but do promise that.
You'll hear about them over the time, you know,
but we're planning on doing a lot more podcasts
in a few jacks, not just a few poop episodes.
I think we should lighten the load a little bit now.
Excuse the pun.
So if we go back to some Would You Rathers,
which I say go back to, it's on one of the last episodes
that we couldn't salvage the footage for.
Yeah, and the controversial one on that one,
which would you rather, what was it,
would you rather be completely hairless?
Yeah, so completely hairless, so no hair on your head, arms,
eyebrows, nothing completely bald, or as hairy as a gorilla.
Yeah, and all the way bald, no hair,
and you went hairy as a gorilla.
Yeah, and you really dug down on that.
Just because the minds of that, it's just,
you'd have to spend about two hours a day,
because you'd have to shave people, all of that.
No, but that wasn't the point of the question, though.
It's just, you're just hairy.
Hair all over you, buddy.
Yeah, I'm already hairy in that video.
Yeah, but you haven't got hair everywhere.
But I have.
You've only seen me Nike three times.
So yeah, I'd be hairy, Ash would be bald.
Yeah, so it's a shame we lost that episode,
because I thought he was over it.
Yeah, because on that as well, we'd had a couple of drinks on that one,
which we are planning on doing another episode
where we've had a few beverages.
Maybe that would be the same, with some would-you-rather questions,
and probably quiz questions or something.
Because it was a shame, because both them episodes were good,
because for any new listeners, that was over the Kings Coronation weekend.
We did two episodes in one day, and the first one,
we had a little flag up, and we had little bags and stuff,
and we spoke about the King and his sausage fingers,
and we had some funny...
Yeah, we had some facts in one, yeah.
...British facts and strange British traditions.
Yeah.
Which, again, we want to do that on another episode.
Also, I think when you think about it, some traditions are dying,
because you remember biscuits on a plate, what your nan used to do.
I still get that a lot.
I just eat it from the pack now, but people put biscuits on it on a plate.
Oh, that miles me, actually.
I went to have a couple of biscuits last night,
some posh Fox's cookies with chocolate in the middle,
and I grabbed a fucking orange.
I didn't look at the pack properly.
Orange chocolate?
Yeah.
As soon as I opened the pack, I could just smell the orange.
Don't you look at it?
No, I don't like orange chocolate, I don't like Jaffa cakes or anything,
I just love chocolate.
Well, Jeff, are you a cake?
I put the salt next to the biscuits.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Yeah, I was absolutely gutted,
so that means the missus has got some cookies.
I bought them for a treat for myself as well,
just some cookies, posh cookies.
But yeah, sometimes, mainly, yeah, if I have biscuits,
I'll eat straight out of the packet,
which is what I went to do last night.
But no, to be fair, it is mainly the older customers,
when they do offer to make a cup of tea,
they'll put a plate of biscuits.
And they have hard sweets.
Oh, yeah, the Wervers originals.
Yeah, hard, bold sweets.
Yeah, chocolate eclairs as well.
I want that snack.
They're little sweets.
But to be fair, I barely, look, if I have any biscuits or anything,
I'll eat them as a treat for myself from time to time.
What was that bold sweet where strawberries and cream,
what was that called?
Oh, because it's like a swirl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My dad was fucking nice.
We don't know about that.
They don't do them anymore.
No, no, it was on about the drifters and stuff last week.
I think the late two Wervers were called strawberry cream.
What was the strawberry cream?
Frastis, do you remember that?
They're a bit newer.
But those...
Yeah, they're little, they were like, just a jelly with sugar on them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm never much of a fan of them, to be fair.
But the strawberry and cream ones,
they look like Wervers' original but with strawberries and cream.
Yeah, it was the same shape, but literally was just a swirl of...
What was that called?
...white and cream.
I feel like strawberry swirls or something.
Swirlies?
Probably, yeah.
Swirlies.
Oh.
It's going to come like two o'clock in the morning.
Yeah, if any of yous know what we're on about,
I mean, I imagine you'd have to be...
Of a certain age.
Yeah, if you're in your teens or your early 20s,
you're probably thinking what are these dickheads on about.
But yeah, if you do happen to know,
it might be a part of the Mandela effect,
they probably never existed at that.
No, but it's not like opal fruits.
Starburst, that's what opal fruits are.
They were originally opal fruits and then they changed to starburst.
But there was loads, like...
Remember flake snow?
Yeah.
Flake with white chocolate in the middle.
Really nice chocolate.
It was nice.
Most of them just don't do anymore.
Rob?
Yeah.
We're going off on a tangent again.
So we've got some would you rather questions.
If you've got an opinion of your own,
then feel free to email it to us,
realtalkingpod at gmail.com
or tweet your opinion at ashandjd.
So I see you're dying to ask you.
Yeah, so just two easy ones, which, well, I think they're easy.
Would you rather lose your sight or lose your hearing?
So as a person that's sure of both.
What was that?
Exactly.
So I am actually half deaf in my role there.
That's just negligence over the years from not wearing ear defenders
with the power tools over the years.
And then also...
Also, sorry Jack, you talk about Graff so much.
Why don't Salco sponsor us?
You know what I mean?
Salco, we know you're listening.
You told the story when you used to get the free sandwich.
Yeah, you used to get a free bacon sandwich or a sausage sandwich.
Salco, how cool.
Just drop us the email.
We're ready to share you out with the sponsors.
I'm sure they'll love that.
Yeah.
So...
So we do think of it.
Yeah, so I know this is another tangent again.
I was actually having a conversation the other day
because my cousin's daughter has got to start wearing glasses now.
She's only seven, I think.
So you think it's going to be quite a common thing now
because we're guilty of it anyway.
Always phone in hands or watching the TVs.
So you think all the kids know that are just literally told to stay quiet,
put with a tablet in their hands, watching stuff.
So imagine most kids are going to grow up wearing glasses now, aren't they?
I wonder if evolution would like...
I don't know how long he was like.
Adapt to be made.
Yeah, so I don't know.
Would that...
Would he make your eyes more open
in terms of...
Or would he make your eyelids more...
Well, I know what some of you are thinking out there, it's land's off it.
But that evolution was down to...
From the snow and in the face of the road.
Yeah, from the wind to the sand and everything.
But what I'm saying is obviously...
Because after so long when you squint, you squint kind of like...
What's that?
So I'd...
I think I'd rather go deaf.
I think so, because you can still...
I think seeing stuff visually is more important than hearing stuff.
Yeah, and as someone that loves the food,
you can't hear how good your meal is going to be,
but you can see how good it's going to be.
Yes.
Obviously, again, when it comes to TV,
you've got all the subtitles, which a lot of the time goes too quick.
I'm sure to read some of it.
But at least that way you can still enjoy it.
And again, when watching a football,
most of the time I don't listen to the commentators.
I'll happily sit there with TV muted,
and I'll listen to my own commentary, like Mark Goldbridge or someone.
So, yeah, I'd rather go deaf.
Right, and then do a quick one.
Would you rather have a living chef or a living cleaner?
Well, for me, the living cleaner, just because I do enjoy cooking.
Yeah, see, mine would be the opposite.
I don't mind cleaning, but...
Well, your missus is actually a lot of cooking as well, compared to mine.
But no, I do...
I told you off the pod, I got myself a stand mixer last weekend,
and I've been doing a lot of bread throughout the week, homemade pizzas and stuff.
I just enjoy it, especially...
I love cooking a Sunday roast.
So I've got some pork ready for this Sunday.
But it's just nice, you know, if there's football on, I'll watch the game.
Depending on the time I kick off, I'll do the prep before, watch the game,
or watch the game, then we'll start cooking.
It's just very beauty.
You can just have a couple of drinks, do all the meal prep,
get the meat in the oven, and the smell...
Oh, God, it's just great.
But you can still get the smell of someone else cooking it for you, mate,
and you can still have a beer.
Yeah, but I just enjoy doing it.
It's just...
A roast dinner, I mean, it's a staple meal of a British home anyway.
But I grew up having the best and worst of it, really.
So with Mum working most weekends,
my sister used to cook the Sunday dinners on the weekends.
Obviously on Sunday.
But then when I'd be at my dad's, I'd have some of the worst roast dinners ever.
Who used to cook for your dad?
It was that mum.
Now, I get it.
I appreciate when there's six kids that you're trying to share out a fucking chicken,
and dad's always got to have the legs.
But you can't always get a good portion of chicken,
but it has to be cooked properly.
And to have burnt sausages on the dinner as well.
Oh, God.
Back then as well, because I never used to eat any other veg,
so it literally would just be some mash, a couple of roasters,
and a Yorkshire pudding or two on the plate.
So there was nothing to enjoy on one of those dinners.
But at least when my sister cooked, big sister, they had a nice dinner.
The mash was always nice and buttery,
and the roasters would be cooked nice and crisp, soft on the inside.
And you're actually getting a portion of meat, no burnt sausages.
So it was from then, really.
I mean, because I'm pretty much from the age of 14.
Sometimes I'd get home from school and I'd have to cook for myself anyway,
do my own washing or whatever.
So I think it just stems from that.
Because I've had to do it, and then I just enjoy doing it.
And especially when I started trying new foods and getting used to different foods
and actually eating more healthily,
it's just a nice way to cook something that you don't like
to a way that you will enjoy it.
Yeah, not have a clean up.
Another one that I find, could split opinions.
Would you rather be the most overdressed or the most underdressed guest at a party?
I sometimes have the thing where you go somewhere,
not so much hours or something, but sometimes you turn up wearing shorts
and everyone else is half decent.
So which one would you rather be?
Would you rather be the most overdressed or underdressed guest at a party?
Well, for the watchers on the YouTube videos,
you'll mainly see that I don't really care what I'm dressed as.
So I'd be the underdressed.
Unless it's a special event, a wedding or something,
I just don't see the need to have to put on an appearance for people.
Not all on the same, underdressed or whatever.
Even with my wedding, I'll say to everyone, dress how you want,
and then they could have bought a change of clothes,
changed into shorts and t-shirts or whatever afterwards if they wanted to.
I even plan to do it at some point.
I'd prefer everyone to be comfortable.
So yeah, it's just underdressed.
That's the way I'd be.
I've got another one interesting here.
Would you rather know the date you would die in the future or the cause of your death?
So I have heard this one a few times.
For me, I'd rather know the cause,
because if you knew when you was going to die, it's just like a big count there.
But if you knew you were going to die in a plane crash, you would have never gone on a plane.
Yeah, but that's where you can't be as specific as that.
Because if it says you died because of a plane crash,
that plane could be not failing.
You could just be driving on a motorway, going from A to B,
and a plane crashes into you.
So you wouldn't be able to live that way of avoiding death, because it could be numerous ways that could still kill you.
So what one would you rather...?
I'd rather know what's going to kill me.
Because you've got a bit of a thought in your chance.
But again, with most of the things these days, it would probably just be something boring or cancer or something.
Yeah, I'm looking. But yeah, you're going to die of cancer.
Here's an interesting one actually, a bit more, but actually keeping on the same.
Would you rather die before your spouse or after your spouse?
That's a hard one, because...
I think it depends on what age you're at, really.
Yeah, but obviously in that person,
you know, either you'll have to go through that torment of losing, obviously, your partner.
Yeah.
Or would you rather them go through that pain?
So that's why I think it depends on age, because if you're old, you know,
if we're lucky to get to the age we're known to, and then you die at that age comfortably, naturally,
then it's not too bad, because you're expecting it, you're old, you're waiting for that to come, really.
But if it happens within five years, and either yourself or your partner's still got another 30, 40 years to live
with that pain on them, then that'd be a lot harder.
So if it was a lock around now, I'd rather them go.
No, because I'd rather be selfish and not have to put them through the pain.
OK, and would you be allowed to move on?
Yeah.
I'd be back to being a top shagger again.
It's a hard one, I don't want to hear that one.
But it's just keeping on the morbid sort.
Yeah, I'd rather have to go through the pain than put them through the pain.
Yeah, I do agree with that one.
Another one, which I think me and you are going to agree on,
would you rather arrive super early or super late in an event?
Early.
Why do people so label this one?
No, again, it's going to seem like I'm bashing my wife a bit again today, like episode four.
It's not going to be anything as bad as that, even though I still haven't had a birthday present.
Oh my God.
We're in July.
So yeah, I don't see why.
So I have to lie to my missus.
So let's just say we're going to the cinemas and the film starts at half 10.
I have to say it starts at 10 o'clock.
So it gives me a fighting chance to be there at quarter past 10 because it's like always in the reds.
I'm going to leave it until the last minute.
And especially if it is not the cinema, you haven't got to get dressed up.
You don't even need to put any fucking make up on or anything.
But no, it's make an effort, drag everything along.
I'll go for a shower at quarter past nine, knowing that we've got to be at the house in 45 minutes.
Fair enough, I live two minutes away from the cinema.
But it's not the point.
And I know, yeah, it might say it's half 10, but it would be 11 o'clock.
But I just want to be there.
I want to.
So whether it's the cinema, the pub or whatever.
If it is, especially if it is, you're going from here or something, you're getting a good seat.
You're getting a nice time.
You've got to get comfortable because especially if it is a party, you're arriving an hour or so late and you've got nowhere to sit.
You're standing up and you just know about that.
I've got to be comfortable.
Yeah.
Fucking hate it.
Because of the ambience, right?
Yeah.
And especially if you know, it probably is just mainly because we've got the drink thing in our heads.
But you want to go out, you want to have a good time and enjoy it.
So we'll get there late and miss most of the stuff.
Yeah.
Then catch up.
You can catch up on it.
Just be there the whole time, if not earlier.
But that's what I'm trying to do.
So yeah, it's all right.
I'm going through some of them and some of them are not that great.
So I'm just trying to find one way we can get a little bit divided about.
Well, I've got a little one here.
Well, you're trying to find another one.
Go on then.
Would you rather have a time machine or a teleporter?
So obviously the time machine, we all know the laws of physics.
The time machine will take you forward or back in time, but the teleporter would take you from A to B in an instant.
Well, that is a good one actually.
Let me just process that.
Oh, mate.
That is a good one.
I actually, I think we'd go for the teleporter.
Yeah.
Just because of the unknown I've gone in the past.
Yeah, because if you've got a time machine, I know you can go back in the past,
but you'd have to be so careful not to change anything.
Like, you know, the butterfly effect and all that.
Literally, because if you go in the past,
your main thing that most people are really going to go in is to try and find that big winning lottery ticket numbers.
That's what everyone's going to do.
But if you're not going in the future, then come back.
Yeah, if you're doing that, you're changing the future then as well.
So you don't want to do that because you don't know what wave you're going to do.
I just think a teleporter is just, you could just go, do you want to go away?
Yeah.
But again, sticking with that money thing that I got in the eight,
teleport into the bank with all the monies, get yourself a couple of hands full,
teleport back out, in and out, no one knows, done.
Yeah.
Yeah, so it's win-win, really.
That was a good one actually.
Yeah.
No, yeah, teleporter.
Is it, yeah, speaking of the gender thing,
because there's more, well, would you rather be a kid or an opposite gender for a month or non-binary,
if you wanted to be non-binary for a month?
Yeah, I think you've got to go for the opposite gender because why would you want to be a kid again?
Why would you want to?
No.
What do you mean?
No, because you've got to think of it practically,
so we'd have to go to work as the child, because you can't just not go to work,
so we've also got to learn our money.
And you can't, you're losing your physical strength,
so I say that because with me and yourself, we wouldn't be able to lift stuff
and not use the tools properly and that if we're a child again.
And it's not like everything is just going to be free because you're back to being a child,
at least if you're the opposite gender, you're still capable enough of living that month
and doing what you need to do.
Plus, you know, as a man, I'm sure women would do the same as well if you could swap just for a temporary man, Tom.
You're going to have a good life.
I think every female, that if this was like, there was like, yeah, I'd be a man with helicopters straight away.
But that's if they've been given a big enough dick to be able to do it, because how gutsy would you be?
If that was in your head as a woman, you want to be a man for a week or a month or whatever,
you think, yeah, I'm going to do that.
But how gutsy would you be?
Janie, yep, there you go.
You swapped over. You got a micro dick.
You got a mushroom sticking out.
So you can barely even flick it, let alone fucking get a bit of a swing on it.
No, look, Mr Chai, you fucking, the hand go over.
Imagine it's like that small so that you literally can't do anything.
You'd be gutsy, wouldn't you?
At least, if it's the other way around, male to female, you've still got the box to play with.
You're still going to have some form of breasts to play with as well.
I think it's only the men that are going to be the winners in that situation.
It's always going to be harder the other way around.
So yeah, did you have any other ones?
Yeah, I mean, there's a few, but I'm trying to find the good one.
I don't know if you want to do some of those.
Have you got any good ones there?
Well, to be fair, there is loads.
We could go on for another hour or so doing them, but we are at the hour point now.
I think we need to find a proper adult one.
Some of them are just a bit cliche, if you will.
Yeah, one we would have heard before.
I mean, there's even one here, would you rather hop all the time or squat?
As you walk in, you've got to do a lunging squat or you're hopping around.
Yeah, I'd have to go for squat really, because if I'm carrying stuff,
could you try and imagine you walking up in with a cup of tea in your hand?
At least if you squat or do a lunging squat, you've got a bit more control.
If you're hopping around, you can play with the food, food's going everywhere.
If you're lunging, you squat in.
So I'm thinking of the practical sort of things there.
But yeah, we've gone over an hour again now.
So just a reminder again, we appreciate questions coming in.
Please do send any more in.
So as we say, it's realtalkingpod at gmail.com, Twitter is Ash and JD.
So tweet, send a DM, whatever.
We should know more of what to do.
We're getting old.
We're too old for this technology malarkey.
On the YouTubes, Real Talking Pod.
The links will be in the description as you click on the podcast as well
for any of those.
The downloads, it does make a difference with the stats.
With the downloads, I can physically see how many are downloaded.
And it does no harm.
It takes up next to no space on your phone or laptop, whatever you're listening on.
And I think with Spotify, after 30 days, it automatically deletes itself anyway.
So you're not continuously storing all your memory on your phone.
Plus everyone's got unlimited memory on the phone.
It's very radiant.
Millions of pictures and all sorts.
Like the cloud and whatever.
So it's no large hit.
Say, log in, share it, tell everyone.
If you've got a friend or colleague or family member that you think,
they'd enjoy listening to us more bits.
And just tell them, give a little nudge.
Say, yeah, mate, I've listened to these.
Really do appreciate it.
Yeah, thanks again, David.
Danny G.
You know, slacking a bit there now, ain't you, kids?
Another messaging, another email.
Roper for everyone.
Please do get in touch.
We'll see you next time then. Peace.