Oh, that's just too slow.
That was just too slow.
All right, let me get the other one.
I got us like a fart.
This bourbon smells good.
Not the fart though.
Yeah.
Did you fart?
All right, Mr. Producer, are you recording?
Are we rolling?
Yeah, we're rolling.
Thumbs up.
All right.
All right, this is the Armenian music.
This is pathetic.
It's fantastic.
Are you playing that with your dick?
What's going on?
No.
I am an accomplished pianist.
A penis?
P-I-N-S.
I'm an accomplished pianist.
Dang it.
All right, that's good.
All right.
So we haven't quite hammered out the intro music.
Yeah, well, it needs to be done like that.
But we are live on this Wednesday night edition.
Yeah.
Why are we doing Wednesday night?
Because you couldn't make it last night.
This is your fault.
And we have a guest tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Introduce yourself, sir.
What do you want to call me?
Oh, wow.
You son of a bitch.
There you go.
Start there.
Just call me S-O-B.
What do you think, son of a bitch?
That's Brian.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
Welcome.
Thank you for inviting me.
All right.
I made it through the two and a half hours of the last one.
It took me a couple of days.
Wow.
Yeah, we've...
See, a couple of days.
Well, he takes short shits.
So...
Yeah, we've kind of rethought that attempt.
And we're breaking these up into smaller chunks.
So we have 90-minute podcasts.
We do two in a night.
Yeah.
We're doing a pre-post show.
It's basically like pre, which means, you know, we're getting a little seasoned.
And then the post is kind of like, yeah, we're primed.
Yeah.
There we go.
It's when Sean gets saucy.
Yeah.
Where everything gets loose.
There you go.
Just Sean.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
All right.
Yeah, we didn't make it last time.
We had a little bit of a CT going on.
Yeah?
And it turns out he didn't have a concert.
Oh, what?
The concert happened, but he didn't go.
Oh.
You skipped your concert, Mr. Producer?
He wasn't feeling well.
He went to the doctor today.
And just to let you guys know, he's COVID-free.
Oh, that's reassuring.
The doctor said we had no problems with that.
He's going to a back-to-school note.
So he's good to go.
So you guys are freaking out.
Well, it doesn't matter to Paul anyway.
He's got antibodies for six months.
I'm immune for life.
Is it six months?
I thought it was like three.
Yeah, three.
Well.
I thought it was for life.
No, it's for life.
We're talking about Paul here.
Wow.
I have super antibodies.
Do you?
It's for life.
Really?
I don't know about that.
Yeah.
I did an anal swab.
Did you stick your finger in your ass and smell it?
And I smelled it, and I couldn't smell it.
Wait, wait, I could.
Is it could smell it or couldn't smell it?
Well, if you stick your finger in your butt, you cannot smell it.
Then you've got COVID.
Oh, shit.
Was it a three-knuckle?
Were you a...
I didn't stick my fist up my ass.
If you stick your finger in my butt and smell it, then you're just gay.
Okay, I'm not testing you for COVID, dumbass.
Were you constipated or something?
No.
Is that what you do when you constipate?
I really, I didn't do an anal swab.
Did you pop that hole?
No.
But if you guys have seen that...
If you've seen that little plunger.
If you've seen that little thing up your ass so you can poop.
Rooter, rooter.
If you guys have seen that stick figure meme, if you haven't seen it, you need to go see
it because it is a damn funny...
Is that the farting hot dog thingy?
No.
That is stupid.
And that's TikTok.
That was high brow entertainment.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, you're talking about the little stick figure dude that smells his fingers?
Yes, it's an anal test.
Anyway, all right, moving on.
All right, so what's the bourbon we're partaking in tonight?
All right, what we got here is the...
This is our first one.
I'm surprised it's taken us this long to get to this.
It's four roses.
It's just the standard small batch.
So we got that.
Very nice.
Have you tried yours yet, Paul?
I haven't.
I've tried four roses before, but...
Four roses is one of these...
I want to say it's not, but it's one of these...
Oh, look at this.
How unprofessional.
The wife is calling.
So you don't...
Turn your phone on?
Yes.
I put mine on mute so y'all wouldn't hear my text.
All of us are grabbing our phones and muting our phones.
That's how prepared we are.
I already did.
That's how professional we are.
I did.
Oh, you did not.
I turned it up actually to play Paul's theme song.
It's like Nadia's theme.
It's Paul's theme.
Is it?
Yes.
That's special.
All right, so this four roses small batch is typically something you'd see on the top
shelf at a restaurant or something, but I don't get it because I think it's personally
overpriced.
It's an elegant bottle.
It's got an elegant name, and it does have a...
It's a fairly good bourbon.
Did you know that it is...
Well, how much is it?
$30.
Yeah, it's like $30.
That's for the mid size.
Is that a.75?
No, no.
Yes, yes.
$750.
That's all we buy.
Yeah, that's all we buy.
So the mash bill of this, it's actually a blend.
Did you know that?
Oh, I did not.
Interesting.
Four roses is actually a blend of two mash bills.
Oh, it's actually smooth.
It's hardly any bite at all.
So this is a blend of...
One is 75% corn, 20% rye, and 5% malted barley.
That's a high rye.
The second one is 60% corn, 35% rye, 5% malted barley.
Hold on.
What are you telling me?
Well, I just list off two different mash bills.
Which one are we drinking?
I just told you.
It's a blend.
It's a blend of two different...
Oh, two...
I'm sorry.
I missed that.
When you blend something, you put two things here, you make it, and then you put it together.
Slow down.
Walk me through this.
Easy, guys.
Not so fast.
So you take two things...
Watch my hands.
Okay, hold on.
Blend them together.
I'm not getting it.
I'm just not getting it.
Here's the church, here's the steeple.
What?
That's right.
You blended it.
So anyway...
We just added a third person to make fun of me.
That's all we did tonight.
This was actually one of the first bourbons that I bought as I was starting to get into
bourbons.
Okay.
After you get past the Jim Beam, the Jack Daniels, and the flavored shit and stuff like that,
and the true first bourbon I got was actually this Four Roses.
Okay.
And then it kind of exploded from there.
It's solid.
It's a solid bourbon.
I like it.
It is.
And one day, I'd like to go to the distillery for this.
And it would be in Kentucky.
Correct.
Okay.
Is it part of the Heaven Hill?
No.
You know what I'm talking about?
No.
The Heaven Hill family of distilleries?
Yes.
It's its own thing.
You sure?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.
We can look that up later, but I'm pretty sure that's part of a broader family of bourbons.
It might be.
It's the Kieren Brewing Company.
They may brew other types, too.
Kieren.
K-I-R like...
Kieren Ichiban.
Kieren Brewing Company.
That sounds like a venereal disease.
Kieren?
Yeah, I know it's not, but...
I guess that's how you say it.
Kieren Ichiban.
K-I...
Well, that's a Japanese beer.
My bond itches.
So if you found a venereal disease, that's what you would name it?
I'd call it Ratchikakov.
Is that Bulgarian?
That's that new Yugoslavian.
No, Slovak?
Slovakian.
We're back on Slovakian.
Ratchikakov.
Okay.
Yeah, I like it.
I think the mix is good.
They did a good job with it.
Right.
Yeah, I think...
I don't know.
It's a good experience.
Yeah?
Would I buy it?
Yeah, I'd buy it, put it on the shelf.
Would I drink it every day?
No.
Is it a standard 80 proof?
It is 90, I believe.
I think it's 45.
Okay.
Yep, it's 90 proof.
So it's a step up.
It actually tastes like they dumped it down a little bit, because it does...
It's 90 proof, but it's still...
Well, they have a...
There's no bite.
There's a small batch select, and I think I've read the only difference is the proof.
Okay.
So it's the same mash mill, same everything, but the select is a higher proof.
Probably 100, I guess.
With all the different bourbons out there and the ability to blend and mix them all,
it would be a very long exercise to find the perfect blend.
You've got to be very careful, too.
You know what I mean?
There's so many variables.
Yeah, different amounts of each.
There's billions of variations.
I think that the individual, like the mash mill for this particular one,
they pick their own mash mills.
They've developed both of them.
It's not like they took Jay Beam and Jack Daniels and mixed them together.
I think some do that.
What is that called?
They make a standard bourbon, a generic bourbon is made out of MG...
MGP is actually a distillery, it's a granary.
So it's the base.
That's where a lot of the distilleries, not all of them, but a lot of them,
you'll hear it's an MGP bourbon or a whiskey.
And it's a granary, it's either in Illinois or Indiana.
It's a standardized mix.
Yeah, and they buy it from there and they'll age it.
They have different mixes and shit like that, but it'll all come from the same place.
There we go.
In the beginning.
All right.
Well, that's the bourbon of the night.
My bourbon knowledge, that's about the extent of it,
and I don't think that's 100% correct all the time.
You're past me.
Yeah, that's how it matters.
I like it.
Well done.
It's good for tonight.
You're better than me.
It's good for tonight.
I like it.
I don't think I would like this on a...
I think it'd be too light with a cube.
If you put a big ice in there, I think it'd be a little bit too diluted.
Too diluted.
I don't know if that's an example.
I don't know if that's because we have reached that point where we're just fucking losers
and we can drink it.
Like we just drank a...
We did a starter of Captain Morgan's and we're kind of like, boom, that wasn't all right.
It was like nothing.
It's like cream soda.
Yeah.
This is nothing.
I mean, it was still...
We felt it, but God bless.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, I had like 12 cans of cream soda.
I don't feel so good right now.
All right.
So our first topic tonight, we're going to talk about the canines in our life.
Okay.
And...
Man's best friend.
And I think all of us here at this table have a dog or have had a dog in their life.
Probably multiple ones.
I've had several.
And my current one is a German Shepherd.
And...
Lady.
And she's got her issues and stuff like that.
She's very...
Neurotic.
Yes, is one of us.
She's a very good dog.
Chaotic.
She's extremely loud.
There is no soft bark.
I don't know if there is on a dog.
Hurtful.
Not to be confused with hurtful.
Hurtful.
Yes.
She likes to herd.
So her bark is extremely loud and it's just bombastic.
And she...
I think she has some separation anxiety.
And she's a herder and she doesn't want people to leave.
Specifically, which is weird, are teenagers.
How can they tell the difference?
I know that seems like a stupid question.
But they very clearly...
Your dog very clearly has a different response to...
I mean, Mr. Producer is what? 18?
Yeah, he turns 18 this year.
Right.
18?
I mean, it's not a child.
Dogs can sense that.
I mean, I've always heard about dogs protecting little kids.
You know, whenever they're around little kids, they become protective.
And then whenever, you know, say you go in to discipline them,
the dog kind of steps in the way and may growl at you.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, even cats.
I mean, just cats.
Even pets.
Oh, man, there's been several stories where cats have stepped in.
Like when a dog comes up and tries to attack a little kid,
and the family cat will come out of nowhere.
They got these little memes.
My cat used to.
I had a cat.
He lived for 19 years.
And he was essentially my cat because he was a royal pain in the ass.
And if me and the boys were wrestling when they were growing up
and stuff like that, here comes Elvis, the black cat.
He would jump on and...
You know...
Like claw or like...
Just swat at the boys, right?
And be like, enough of that.
Enough of that.
Yeah.
That's funny.
You guys are too loud.
We're screaming and having fun.
You know what's cool about...
I've never met Elvis,
but one of the things that Jeff shared was that his cat would pee in the lavatory.
He would go to the restroom.
He would.
He'd get up on the toilet and he'd...
For real?
For real.
He taught himself that.
Drop his nuggets right there.
I remember there was a stretch...
Would you teach him to flush?
No.
I would like to.
But there was a stretch where I would find piss on the floor.
And I would blame the boys because they were three, five at the time.
And I was like, they keep missing a toilet.
And it didn't smell like cat piss or anything like that.
So I'd clean it up, clean it up.
And finally one night I woke up...
Did the cat deuce in there?
No, never crapped in it.
So what did the cat deuce?
He deuced either outside or in the cat litter.
Cat litter.
It's a thing, right?
I've never owned a cat.
I hate cats.
But if you put kitty litter,
if you put a thing underneath the toilet seat, kitty litter,
they'll get used to going there.
And then you can take the kitty litter away,
and they'll drop the dually right in the toilet.
Really?
Yeah.
And you have to get some type of mechanism to get them to flush.
I mean, you'd have to do some contraption.
Wow.
You just blew my mind.
That seems like a lot of work.
Well, it's called training.
Yeah.
But anyway, during the middle of the night, one night,
I woke up and the half bath, the powder bath, is outside my bedroom.
And I just hear this...
Sounds like someone was taking a leak in the bathroom.
And it was like two o'clock in the morning.
I was thinking, well, why are my boys down here?
Right.
It was two o'clock, pitch blackout.
I go in there and I flip the light on in the bathroom.
And there's this black cat sitting on the edge of the toilet,
and his eyes get real big, and he's just like,
eee, peeing in the toilet.
Were you, like, stunned?
I was just like, yes, I was.
That would freak me out.
I was like, that's incredible for one thing.
And then I was like, ah, so that's how that piss gets all over the floor.
Right.
Because, you know, he thinks he's sitting on the toilet right, and he's not.
Right.
Sometimes his ass is over the bowl.
Other times his ass is not over the bowl.
You know what?
I bet you it was your wife was training him to pee in there.
Could be.
And, you know, she just couldn't get him turned right.
So anyway, so he did that up until the day he died.
So he trained himself to do that.
I didn't do it or anything like that.
So it was...
It was...
Well, again, it would cause a mess on the floor sometimes,
but he got better at it the more he did it.
He got better at it, and I didn't have to clean it up.
But like I said, it didn't smell like cat piss.
That's amazing.
That really is amazing that they're smart enough to do that.
Yeah.
So my dog, you know, going back to her,
what she does to her is she'll grab your feet.
And it's a little... she's a big dog.
That's kinky.
Big mouth.
And she does it to adults every now and then, if there's so much going on,
and she doesn't want you to leave.
She's done it to Tara a couple times.
And it's not specifically to the teenagers,
but every now and then she'll grab your foot.
Like she doesn't want you to leave is what it is.
And it kind of freaks you out a little bit.
Well, like you said, it's hurting.
I mean, it's not about not wanting you to leave.
It's wanting you to stay within the circle that she can control.
Could be.
And, you know, she'll come barking at you.
It sounds like she's going to maul you.
Yeah, she's pretty scary sounding.
Yeah, it's loud and intimidating, but she's a good dog.
I mean, she's laying right here right now.
She's a dinosaur. She's a big dog.
Yeah, she's big.
And Brian, you've got two like monster mean dogs, don't you?
Yes.
Coco weighs all of over 16 pounds now.
Susan, it's a fat little dog.
We've got shih tzus.
Shit zoo?
Yeah, shit zoos.
Excuse me.
Well, what we tried to do was made a bulldog and a shih tzu and get a bullshit.
Didn't quite work out.
No, it didn't work out.
No, we got two shih tzus.
One's Oreo, 12 years old.
Dog's psychotic, but it'll love you to death.
I mean, now she's having problems seeing and hearing and getting old.
So then, you know, I broke down and Susan, we got this other one's Coco.
She just turned, I think, two today.
Two years old.
Big ass shih tzu.
That thing's got some energy, man.
Has she stopped peeing when she meets people?
Well, she'll get excited on you.
I don't know about you.
She gets excited about it.
All animals like to pee on me.
So musk.
My musk.
Your anus produces a special oil that the dogs like.
Really?
Yeah.
Musk.
Oh, that's fantastic.
It's a vanilla excretion.
I could devorize it and make millions.
I think you really ought to bottle it, Paul.
That's what I'm talking about.
So the male dogs get like the pink rocket going and hump your leg?
Oh, better mind it.
It's all in fun.
They're just being friendly.
They just laugh?
Yeah.
Wow, you big dog.
They leave a rubbed spot.
Okay.
You know, there's always the guy that takes it over the top.
And there he is.
And from behind.
But what Coco likes to do is trip you.
She gets all exciting.
She gets all tangled in your feet.
And you know, you've got a 16-pound bowling ball going in between your legs.
She's not...
I'm always worried that I'm going to like step on her and break something.
No, I've stepped on her before on purpose.
And then she didn't get around my legs anymore.
That's how you stop that.
But no, she's a smart dog.
She's actually pretty good.
But you know, Susan, here we go.
We'll get a vet story.
All right.
Now when you go to the vet, you just hand the dog through the window because, you know,
COVID and all this stuff.
So and I didn't go, but Susan handed Coco in there.
And this was, I don't know, six or seven months ago.
And the vet called her up on the phone while she's sitting in a car and said, Hey, you know,
Oreo looks great, but Coco's a little overweight.
What do you feed her?
Susan goes, I don't know.
No, she asked her how much she how much do you feed her?
I don't know.
She goes, That's not the answer I want to hear.
Susan was getting scolded by the vet.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
She goes, That's not what I want to hear.
This dog's overweight.
So what does Susan do?
She goes out and gets low fat food.
Okay.
The dogs gain two pounds.
I said, Susan, it's not the low fat food.
It's portion control.
Bingo.
It's the amount.
It's the portions.
Right.
And I said, how much do you, you know, does the dog have like a like a, an unlimited supply
of one of those little containers?
It's not a feeder.
No, she puts what it is is now say Oreo psycho.
She won't eat out of a bowl.
You got to put it on the ground and then she scratches at it and pulls one away and then
goes and eats it and comes back and scratches it away.
Well, that's one way to control your weight.
Well, but what Coco does, speed of eating.
Yeah, it takes eight hours to eat a cup.
But what Coco does is she'll eat all the stuff on the ground.
Of course.
Knowing that Oreo is good.
And then she won't.
She'll eat out of the bowl.
She just sits there and she'll run.
So she's eating for two.
Yeah.
She'll run by, eat a couple of nibbles and then run over here and then run back by, eat
a couple of nibbles.
I said, just quit filling it up.
There you go.
Now, she blames me because in the morning I'll fix breakfast for my daughter and we'll
have eggs and bacon and everything.
But I put a piece of bacon up, split it in half and then I split that in half and that's
all they get.
So it's just a little taste.
That's like 1800 calories to a dog.
I know.
And that's and you know, my wife's telling me, well, that's why the dogs overweight.
No, no, no.
That's what she told the vet.
That damn bacon.
That's my husband.
Yeah.
Feeds a bacon and eggs every morning.
Yeah.
Feeds him a pound of bacon every day.
I know.
Well, you've got a turtle too, though.
We have a tortoise.
Tortoise.
Yeah.
We have a tortoise.
You know what?
Don't be so ignorant about reptiles.
Lucy is sleeping in the bathtub.
She has not been moving much.
It's cold outside.
Well, yeah, but we've got her in the bathtub because we didn't want her to dig a hole out
there.
But she's, I don't know, maybe she'd be about that big.
I mean, it's hard to see on a podcast.
A foot, a foot, probably a foot diameter.
Yeah, a foot.
So, but in the, during the summer, spring, summer, she lives out in the backyard.
We'll take some lettuce and, you know, just feed her every day.
During the winter, she doesn't eat anything because she's kind of hibernate.
I was going to say, don't they typically hibernate during the winter, right?
So that's why she's not moving a whole lot.
Well, normally, but see tortoises, the cicada, that's the brand type she is, down close to
the equator, so it never gets cold.
So see, they never hibernate, but here it got cold.
So last year, she's, she's still roamed around.
We've got a heat lamp and then a sun lamp, but she stays in the bathtub in the winter.
There's some friends of mine that have, in the middle of their house, they have a courtyard
that's exposed to the elements.
So it can rain and snow in there.
That's so cool.
And they've got a.
Komodo dragon.
They have a.
Giraffe.
Small, small little pool for.
Rhino.
Some large goldfish.
Let's go bigger.
You can't.
Is there goldfish in there?
Or would they have like piranhas?
It's goldfish.
Gar.
They have a gar.
They don't have.
Alligator gar.
Enough.
You're not going to outdo this.
It's not like you can go out there and sit.
It's just out, you go out there to feed them, but you can see through the windows because
there's windows around the whole area.
And the point I'm getting at is that I was explaining, well, you know, it's fucking 20
degrees outside.
And she says, yeah, they just sit.
They don't do anything.
You don't feed them.
It says you're not supposed to feed them.
It said you're not supposed to feed them when they're when it's that cold, because when
it's that cold and you feed them, it can kill them.
Well, now let me ask you this.
How deep is it?
Because I mean, if it freezes solid, won't that kill them?
No, no, no, they just flash freeze.
It's Dallas.
It immobilizes them.
It's Dallas.
OK, so hold on.
I was so I was so wrapped up in the in trying to top Jeff's ideas of the big animals in
the courtyard.
Is it goldfish?
What are we talking about?
Yeah, they're large.
I couldn't even hear it.
It was an arcatuthis.
No, an arcatuthis.
I've been waiting all night to say that.
Yeah, those don't like cold water.
Well, they definitely don't like cold water.
Actually, they do like cold water, but it's deep.
I think it was not even two foot deep.
OK, do they have a heater of some sort?
It could freeze at the top of it.
I don't recall if there's a heater in there or not, but the area is quasi-climatized
because it's right next to the house.
It's getting heat through the windows.
It's surrounded all four sides.
Well, plus you don't get the wind, which makes it colder and stuff.
But my point is, and I think this may carry into the tourists as well, is that maybe they
don't eat a whole lot during the summer or the wintertime because their bodies shut down
when they're hibernating, and they can literally kill them.
So how does that work?
Is that specific to goldfish?
Because when you go ice fishing, you're catching...
Goldfish.
Yeah.
Koi.
Well, those are gaming fish.
That's what I mean.
So there's a difference between that and a goldfish.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I don't see us going ice fishing for carp, and I think the goldfish are in the
carp family, aren't they?
I don't see myself going ice fishing.
Really?
I would not mind doing it one time.
No.
But it's nice fishing.
It's fantastic.
I mean, it's kind of like golf.
I'm not going to play whenever the temperature is below my age.
Well, get the fuck out of here.
I know.
It's too cold.
I invited Brian to go golfing one time, and it was apparently too cold.
It was cold.
So, boy, when you get in your 80s, you're going to be like...
Well, then I guess I'll be doing something else.
I can fish.
I can fish in the 80s.
Yeah.
You'll be sitting in a warm bathtub.
But the other pet we've got is a tarantula.
Spider.
You've got to...
Oh, that's...
It's called...
It's a pinky.
Pinky?
Pinky, the tarantula spider.
Couldn't remember.
Yeah.
Creepy.
Dr. D, we'll go over there.
And you buy crickets.
Yes.
That is probably the easiest pet to ever take care of.
You know, you pour a little water in a bowl, and then maybe you get six crickets every
month, but after that, it makes no noise.
You don't have to clean it.
It doesn't bark?
No.
Do the crickets have to be alive?
Well, what about barking spiders?
Yes, the crickets...
But you can't get...
The thing is, you can't get crickets whenever it's molting, because then the crickets could
actually kill it whenever it's molting.
But whenever it's molted, it looks like you've got two spiders in there.
Hold on, hold on.
The dead skin...
The crickets can kill the spider?
Yeah, whenever it's molting, you can't feed it.
The spider, that extra skin that's caught in the spider's throat.
Yeah.
But whenever you look in there...
So what's happening in that scenario?
Hey, Paul.
Whenever you look in there, you see double vision.
You see double vision?
I had to get the foreigner in there, get the double vision, that means it's molted.
You take that out, it looks like a perfect...
It looks like another perfect spider.
Do you keep them on your desk?
And it's cold as ice.
Actually, Sue...
My wife...
Place them around the house?
Actually, my wife put one in a thing and took it up to school and showed up.
I could have brought it tonight.
It's in a nice little aquarium.
You should keep all the molted skins and place them around your house for people to find
and freak out.
Of the crickets?
No, of the spider.
I got confused too.
You're not saying the crickets are molted.
Exactly.
That's what I thought too.
Well, I didn't make fun of you.
No, you didn't.
I didn't think you did.
Several years ago...
We're friends.
No, we're not.
My daughter put her on a bush and all of a sudden...
I'm sorry, you said what?
The tarantula got out.
Put it on a bush and it ran underneath the dishwasher.
Okay, it's gone.
It's gone forever.
Okay, it's gone.
It's gone forever.
Well, and then back then on the...
It's gone forever.
What the hell?
The pest control guy...
That was a song.
The pest control guy came and sprayed.
I said, oh, it's for sure dead.
Oh, for sure.
Two weeks later, he's upstairs in the game room on the wall.
Abdomen was about an eighth of an inch.
He was looking for crickets.
I don't know how it lived.
So it was hungry.
That's a small ass little tarantula.
Well, don't worry, once it ate some crickets, it fattened back up.
So I just got it on my hand, put it back in there, put some crickets on there.
Whenever it eats, it's pretty neat because it just sits there and the crickets just hop
around, you know, stupid crickets.
And then it just jumps on them and then it raises up.
And then you can just sit there and watch its front.
It just gums it to death.
God, that sounds awful.
Gums it.
Yeah, it gums it.
That sounds like a horrible way to die.
It's very barbaric.
Well, doesn't it chew it full of like its venom and like disintegrates or digests it
and then they kind of suck it out?
I don't know.
They had tarantulas that had venom?
Yeah.
I mean, if you get bit by one, then, you know, I mean.
You're dead in minutes.
No, no, you're not.
Your skin just sloughs off.
You're there eating breakfast, eating your rice krispies.
Next thing you know, playing with your little tarantula.
We had a pink toad.
Next thing you know, your face is in your rice krispies.
A pink toad tarantula and another one.
And then we had a divider.
Pink toad?
Yeah, it was a pink toad.
It was a little smaller.
And then we had the red hair, which is kind of what we've got now, which is the big one.
OK.
And somehow it knocked down the divider and all of a sudden my wife goes over there and
goes, hey, there's only one spider here.
I said, no, look underneath the other one.
It killed it.
Oh, no.
See, that's no fun.
When one pet kills another pet, it's just not a fun family experience.
Well, you had a dog that killed another dog.
That's not.
Yeah.
That's I mean, it's not conclusive.
That's an unconfirmed report.
Yes.
But I believe it.
You had a dead carcass of a dog in your backyard.
No, I didn't.
It was all bloated.
No, stop.
It buried in the backyard.
So it's been there.
It was like baking in the heat.
Oh, God.
He went over there, took a knife and stabbed him.
You are mixing dog stories.
How did you get a dog in the backyard that's dead?
OK, you're mixing stories.
Were you shooting squirrels and you accidentally shot a dog?
No.
And you pulled it in the backyard and said it was attacking you so you wouldn't get arrested?
I had an overweight beagle that was a pain in the ass.
We got out of the yard and he was in the front.
And I had no idea he was in the front.
Cops found a condom in his butt.
And a...
Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
That is the end of that story, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow.
What the hell?
Why would you even go there?
Who thinks about stuff like that?
I don't know.
I mean, if you had a dog...
Let's take a left turn here and get into the mind of somebody that says something like that.
Well, for a dog.
I mean, if it was a sheep, maybe that'd be different.
Sheep?
God Almighty.
Does that make it better?
Well, I've heard stories.
Anyway, it was actually a horrible story, right?
It was in the middle of summer.
It was super, super hot.
I'm not saying it was you.
It was super, super hot.
Yeah.
And the dog was out in the front.
I didn't know it.
Right?
And then he was apparently sitting by the front door, like, trying to get back in because he was really, really hot.
So I go out there later that day.
Yeah, later that day, you know, wondering where the dog was.
And there he is laying down next to the neighbor's house.
And I was like, something was right.
You know what I mean?
I was like, this is not normal.
He was busted out, wanted to go on a walkabout.
He was old anyways, wasn't he?
No, no.
I mean, not that old.
But didn't you say he had like tooth marks that you lined up the other dog's mouth?
No, no, you're mixing stories.
Oh, so the dog killed more than one.
Yeah, I killed all sorts of dogs.
So you've had multiple dog murders.
No.
So this one was lying by the neighbor's house covered in flies.
You've got to speed these stories up.
Because you had a myriad of dogs that have died in your house.
No, that's not true.
Just two.
So you like terrific things.
You've had two dogs die.
You know, dogs can sense death.
Oh, great.
They could smell it too.
What the hell does that mean?
Well, this could be a good segue into your my current dog.
Yeah, your three legged Cobra dog you got now.
It could sense death.
You run away.
So then it then it tells the story, please.
Oh, so you think that's why it ran away?
Yeah, because it could sense death.
All right.
Their dog died.
And then yes, my 10 year old perfect dog.
My 10 year old perfect dog.
Actually, he was 12.
I didn't know that.
We found out later.
How?
We because we the SPCA, we asked them.
Did they cut him open and count the rings?
They counted tree.
Yeah. Yeah.
How can you?
I wonder how you could tell maybe by the teeth.
They counted his anus rings.
Oh, seriously.
You guys were a mess tonight.
What's wrong with you guys?
Anus rings.
Yeah, I didn't say anything about dogs.
They pulled the condom out and counted the anus rings.
Really, dude?
I can't get over that comment.
That really disturbed me.
OK.
Anyway, our dog died.
The wife decided that, you know, we need to get another rescue dog.
So which for the record, I totally disagree.
Yeah.
No, you disagreed every step of the way.
Yeah.
I just think you guys need time to heal.
Yeah.
Do something.
Wait a second.
And my wife said the same thing.
Did everybody?
I said, look, you just need some time to decompose and rest.
Decompose.
You're talking about the dog in the backyard?
No, it's a different dog.
Anyway, so I got overruled.
The wife said, we're going to let's go look at dogs, which means we're getting a dog.
And, you know, COVID changes everything.
You can't walk along the stalls and just kind of know.
So the selections.
They have to bring them to you, right?
So they're bringing these dogs in.
And while she's like talking about how great the dog is, the dog is humping her leg and stuff.
And I'm like, you can probably stop talking and take that dog away.
That's not going to happen.
So we went through three or four dogs and then she brings this one eyed dog.
Hey, Mighty.
Is that what the dog says?
Yeah, it's amazing.
How did you know that?
The way it barked was.
Arr, arr, arr, arr.
It came with a patch over time.
No patch.
Oh, it didn't come with a patch?
Oh, is that true?
Do you want to hear the damn story?
Yeah.
That was a dad joke right there.
Yeah, it was.
That was bad.
Yeah.
So the dog comes in, Shelley loves it.
We get the dog.
So we fill out all the paperwork.
We're taking where the dog's in the car.
By the way, you'll see a picture of the dog.
Dudeslikeus.us.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Or you get.
Go ahead.
OK, sorry.
We pull into the backyard.
It's on a leash.
It jumps out of the car.
She's got it on the leash.
My son comes out to meet it.
She's you know how some dogs, they don't want to be leashed.
They want to be able to back away.
So she's like, OK, well, I'm going to give the dog a little bit of freedom.
We're talking 20 to 30 seconds.
She lets the dog off the leash.
It sprints to the gate.
And I have this metal gate that can, you know, opens in the middle and you can wobble it.
She jumps up against the fence, wobbles it, realizes she can squeeze through,
and puts her head in and boom, out the gate.
And we're like, oh my god, oh my god.
I hadn't even pulled the car into the garage.
And I'm hearing, I remember my wife, he got out the gate, he got out the gate.
And I'm like, how is that even possible?
Like I haven't even pulled the car in.
So did you have the conversation with her about the whole thing of taking the dog off the leash?
Well, again, she explained it to me later.
I was kind of like, what were you thinking?
What was the explanation?
And well, you know, when people are approaching a dog and you've got it on a leash, it's feeling cornered.
So she wanted to let it off the leash in our backyard, no big deal.
Fenced in backyard.
And let it kind of move around and sniff around and be on its terms.
Wow, what a mistake.
Yeah, I think it smelled, I think it smelled the dead beagles that you had buried.
Smelled death, maybe.
Buried in the backyard.
It smelled all sorts of stuff because it hauled ash to that gate and got out so fast.
You know, Paul saw all kinds of stuff.
Was it like dead squirrels on the inside?
I don't know.
Rabbits on the front?
None of that is true.
I think it looked at it.
You're trying to tell me you weren't shooting squirrels off your fence?
Yeah.
With a BB gun?
Okay.
I wasn't saying with a Beretta.
And none of them killed it.
I mean, they never killed any of them.
How do you know?
You could have winged it.
I hit one.
It might have looked...
I hit one and made one bleed and it still ran off.
So the dog ran off, disappeared.
The dog was gone for two days.
Four.
Four days?
Four days.
I thought you said it came back.
It was cold.
So we chased it and it will never come to us and it hauls ash.
And so we're like, okay, this isn't going to work.
Why did you chase it?
Why don't you just sit down and see if it'll come to you?
They're supposed to get down on their level.
Okay.
Thank you, Brian.
I didn't know you were the dog whisperer.
In that situation, we were panicked.
Okay.
Anyway, so 24 hours later, Shelley looks out the window.
It's walking up the alley.
That's the first thing.
24 hours later.
You're not supposed to panic.
Right.
Well, and so Shelley very...
Now she's very calm and come here, come here.
Boom.
Takes off again.
Okay.
Smells death.
So over that four-day period, I was on this Facebook group that lost pets.
Next door.
Yeah, I saw it.
Next door and Facebook.
Yeah, I saw it next door.
And people were like, I saw your dog at the corner, blah, blah, blah.
So three different times during those four days, we raced over somewhere and saw her.
I mean, how often does that happen?
Right.
Hey, you know what?
I wish I had known that because I would have sent you all over Frisco.
Thank you.
Dogs hanging out at the end.
Yeah, it's in South Dallas.
Come down here right now.
No, no, no.
I think it's over here.
It's over here.
You've probably gone through about three or four tanks of gas.
Yeah, you're an ass.
You would have done that.
So each time you saw it, it would see your car and just bolt.
Hall of ash.
No, no, no.
We'd be out of the car.
And then we were like slowly like we were holding out pepperoni.
And I mean, but the damn thing's 50 yards away.
It's not going to be like, oh, do you have pepperoni?
And it has one eye.
The dog doesn't even fucking know you.
You're like nobody.
Bingo.
She's like, what the hell?
We knew the dog for 30 seconds.
Whenever you had it the first time, why didn't you have some food there?
Probably thought, OK, these people aren't going to feed me.
We were totally unprepared for what was going to happen.
So there's a compilation of errors.
So just nonstop.
OK, anyway, so after four days, I was like I knew what was going to happen.
It was either she was going to be exhausted because she hadn't eaten.
Right.
And she was going to basically collapse in somebody's arms, which would have been perfect.
Or she was going to get hit by a car.
And then sure enough, we get the call because she's been chipped.
And like they know who she belongs to.
Got hit by a car.
So we go over to the animal hospital.
I tell you, when I found out the dog got hit by a car, this is going to sound horrible.
You're going to feel horrible in the future when we get to know this dog.
Dick.
I was I was kind of selfishly for you thinking, God, I hope the dog doesn't make it.
I mean, I get it.
It sounds fucked up.
But at the same time, I'm like, what a mess you've got yourself into.
And this is going to sound horrible.
But we're on our way over to the animal hospital.
And we're like all we know she's been hit by a car and dogs don't do well when they get hit by cars.
Right.
So I'm thinking, OK, well, I mean, if it is savable, I can't I'm not going to spend a thousand dollars.
I mean, you know how it is.
You can spend a thousand, two thousand, three thousand dollars.
And I'm like, we don't even know this dog.
I don't want to spend money.
I just drove this car off the lot.
And that's crappy.
Right.
I thought you were going over the animal thing to get your refund.
Well, no, no, but it because it is your 20 bucks back.
Anyway, son of a bitch.
Next time, keep the dog money back.
Yeah, we got to give me a run.
We got a really defective.
I'll tell you what, we'll give you money back.
Give us back the leash.
God, it's so bad.
So bad.
Anyway, so she had a shattered femur and they had, you know, basically they said they're going to have to remove their leg.
So we took her home with a shattered femur and that was fun.
Tried taking care of a dog for any length of time with a shattered femur.
How long did you have to keep her before the next stage?
Before the surgery?
Yeah.
A weekend?
Oh, it's like no way.
Like Sunday.
Yeah. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
She was pretty much on hydros.
Oh, yeah.
No, I was giving her.
Yeah, I was giving her pain meds and stuff.
Drinking bourbon with her.
I was completely shift.
How were you giving the dog the medicine?
You just, you know, open their mouth and kind of shove it down their throat.
Yeah.
But I found a much better way to do it.
I saw you popping some pills.
Were those the dog pain pills?
I was topping everything.
It was a nightmare.
The dog had little shots of little things.
He'd pop his black butt luge in it.
Yeah, for sure.
All right, so then we do the, we move the leg.
Oh, butt chugging, that's what I meant to say.
Yeah, chugging.
Thanks.
Yeah, we can just go right over that.
That's OK.
We don't have to relive that.
So anyway, so the dog leg gets removed.
We have the surgery.
She's all stitched up.
She's, you know, high on meds.
She's bleeding everywhere.
And I'm like, can we wrap her in like some, no, no, we want the wound to be open so it'll breathe.
OK, so she bled for three weeks.
Three weeks.
So I had to put down beast towels and old sheets and I was washing them like twice a day.
And I mean, bleeding everywhere.
Like a murder scene.
If you walked into my house with a blue light.
Dead carcass.
You absolutely, it was a murder spree.
Absolute murder spree.
Anyway.
It's natural.
So a week into this, we'd know it was like a newborn.
No sleep.
I'm carrying the dog outside to go potty.
I'm doing pain meds around the around the clock.
A week into this, my wife and I get covid from the dog.
I told you it's a three legged dog.
It's a three legged dog.
We got dog probably from one of these assholes.
Wasn't me.
It wasn't me.
No, your wife had covid.
Yeah.
And I was in the house.
I didn't get covid.
I think you got covid.
You probably did.
You got covid from the dog.
Don't need a swab tonight.
Yeah.
Anyway, so we get covid.
We get covid and we're down with covid for almost two weeks.
So now we have a bleeding dog.
We got covid for two weeks.
It was and you rent your back.
Oh, carrying the dog in retrospect.
It was probably my back out that you guys had covid.
No, I didn't know that.
It was probably the best thing because you guys were able to spend that quality time all in bed.
You all three of you in the bed with the dog for over a week.
Yeah.
I mean, so that was a bonding and thank God.
Thank God.
My middle son, everyone is off, you know, was off to college.
You know, the one that's friends with your friends, right?
Right.
Your sons, your sons.
He was a champ and we had some good friends bring over some food over here, brought over some food.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah.
Time stamp.
Time stamp that.
Oh, yeah.
Can I go?
I had friends.
I had friends that brought over some food like spaghetti with our guest sauce on it.
Oh, freshly whacked.
Well, I whipped up some sauce for him.
Hey, it brought him out of the coat.
Whacked up some sauce.
Whipped up some sauce.
I bet you did.
And then in two days, I talked to him and said, man, you sound good.
He goes, well, that spaghetti was good.
That's good.
I don't know.
I healed up real good.
Yeah.
Rubbed it on my nipples.
What the?
I thought it was spaghetti.
What do you think's in the vaccination?
Oh, Jesus.
So anyway, that's my story.
That's my story.
The dog's all healed up.
It's a kangaroo dog now and hops around with this one eye and three legs.
So it has one eye and three legs, and we met the dog for the first time over the weekend.
And she was doing good, it seemed.
She gets around just fine.
She's super, super affectionate, super smart.
She's going to be a good dog.
I think so, too.
I don't think she's going to win any races, but you'd be surprised.
Like a Greyhound race?
She could probably beat you.
Well, that wouldn't be fair to put it up against a four-legged dog.
That's true.
You know, maybe put it up against a two-legged dog.
The Para K9 Olympics?
Para K9.
Is that a thing?
Para Olympics, right?
Speaking of Olympics.
Is that insensitive?
That's insensitive.
Wow, that is insensitive.
It is.
Damn, I didn't mean it to be.
So you're a racist.
So there's a lot of three-legged dogs out there.
That automatically slips in.
Let me ask you this.
So now the dog can go in and out of the back, in and out of the house, and no problem?
In and out of the doggie door, whenever she wants.
And she goes down to the gate.
And I'm watching through the window.
Can I adjust to the gate?
You help me out?
Yeah.
I had adjusted the gate so that there was no way that I thought that she could push
it apart, right?
And she's down by the gate a lot.
She stands there and kind of sticks her snout through the bars.
And I'm like, oh, that's how the other half live.
Yeah, exactly.
But I'm just like, I'm waiting.
Does she push on it?
Nope.
She has shown no intent on leaving.
And she's smelling the whole yard.
I mean, she's making it her home now, right?
I hope so.
I don't know.
Well, I think she's scoping out perimeter weaknesses.
Yes.
She's like a velociraptor.
She's never testing the same piece of defense.
She's hunting in packs.
Yeah.
Right.
There's a pack of three-legged guanine dogs around the corner.
Those are the most dangerous kind right there.
They keep running into each other?
This is the house.
They keep killing the dogs and burying them in the backyard.
This is hot.
Anyway, that's my story.
That was kind of long.
Sorry, I tried to make it a little shorter.
So you had a really fun month of January.
It was awful.
Yeah.
Well, 2021, what a good way to end the shit.
Yeah, no shit.
After a horrible 2020, that's the way I start 2021.
Unbelievable.
Well, look at it this way.
It can only go up.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Biden's in office and the COVID is going away.
Things are already turning around.
Yeah, bless.
Yeah, I think Des—
All those executive orders saved the day.
Hallelujah.
Well, you know what?
Since he signed those executive orders, you notice Des start coming down.
I mean, if you watch the CNN timer, it's going backwards.
They took it off entirely, I thought.
No, it's on there, but it's going backwards.
The COVID tracker disappeared.
You know, like people are just coming back from life.
Coming back from life, yeah.
Yeah, I don't watch CNN.
No, I don't either.
I'm not watching anything.
I'm not watching TV either.
I'll tell you what.
I did—I took a break for lunch today and sat down and put on YouTube, and there was
a little blurb of The Five from Fox News.
You miss them, don't you?
I do.
And it was the first time I've seen The Five.
And—
Since before the election, right?
Yeah.
I mean, after that, I was like, I haven't watched it.
That was the first time, you know, Dana Perino was—she didn't look very good.
And then they had—
Really?
I think she's so cute.
Oh, she is.
Oh, hold on.
Of course, she's smoking hot.
Beautiful.
I love her.
But this one, she looked like she wasn't—you know.
She's like, we have no viewers.
Life is going down the tubes.
Probably.
I remember back whenever they had that tall brunette that sat on the end.
Oh, hold on.
I was about to get into that.
There's a—there's—
This is a—
They brought in the hottie.
There's a Campanio—what was her name?
Emily Campanio?
Emily Campanio, yeah.
Is that who you're talking about?
I can't remember her name, but she was hot.
She's the Oakland Raiders cheerleader that turned lawyer.
And she is not only smoking hot, she is one of the smartest people on there.
Yeah, she's very intelligent.
She's able to conjure up information just on a whim.
It's so funny you say that.
I know who you're talking about, and I've never seen the five.
Well, I haven't seen her on the five.
Well, she's not on there anymore.
And then you have—what is the—
C-A-M-P.
There it is.
Yeah, or you can just pull up the five cast.
Well, it's been on for a very long time, so it's going to be a bunch of people that—
Yeah, do they rotate people?
It's been consistent for the last couple years.
Well, there's another one that was on today.
I forget.
Papalich, I think is her last name.
Pavlovich.
This chick right there.
Pavlovich.
No, that's not her.
She was kind of tall, too.
Yeah, Katie Pavlovich.
Katie Pavlovich.
But yeah, I mean, they've had a lot of people on there.
But the usuals are—
Perino.
—Gregg Gutfeld, Perino.
Jesse Owens.
Juwan Williams.
Did that Democrat—
Was that name Jesse Williams?
Jesse Waters.
I said Jesse Owens.
And then they kind of rotate the fifth person.
Donna Brazils is on there sometimes.
She is terrible.
She needs to go away.
Who was the funny Democrat?
Honey child.
That's what the—
Oh, you're thinking of—
She's from Louisiana.
He's kind of a heavyset guy.
She's sweet, but—
He was a Democrat.
He was kind of funny.
He was a liberal.
You used to—
Was that Dom?
Dom Delahue?
Yeah, Sean Hannity and Alan somebody.
Combs.
Alan Combs.
Yeah, Alan Combs.
Hannity and Combs.
Candice Owens was on the five?
Back to the left one more time.
She's probably been on it as a guest.
All these people have been on it at some point.
I tell you what, I have high hopes that Candice Owens steps up.
And I'll tell you one thing I was a little disappointed in,
one of the little blurbs I was about to get into—
Excuse me—
is that they had Trey Gowdy.
Wow, that was juicy.
Yeah, that's a little acid reflux going on.
You throw up on your microphone?
I felt like it.
Now you're smelling it, really.
Wow.
Why don't you just go ahead and lick it all?
No shit.
He's picking the meat out of the microphone.
So Trey Gowdy was on as an air personality, not as an interviewer.
He was fucking an air personality.
I was kind of tripping out.
Who was?
Trey Gowdy.
Oh yeah, no, I like him.
Well, no, after he retired from Congress.
I wanted him to run for office.
I wanted him to run for presidency.
Who's saying he's not at some point, but he's out of politics right now.
I tell you what, he was a badass, too, when he was there.
He didn't put up a show?
When he was in like a senator, right?
Senator to senator.
No, he was a congressman.
Well, I mean, either House or Senate, but I thought he was a senator.
I don't think he was a senator.
I don't know.
He was tough.
I do know he was tough.
Like in his hearings, it was his questioning time, you know, and he'd be like—
Oh yeah, just like Jim Jordan is today.
You know, Jim Jordan is kind of picked that up.
He's just straightforward.
Just comes right out in the house.
He's said to beat around the bush.
Very blunt and very rational.
I love it.
Yeah, but I think Fox has hurt.
They are big time hurting.
I also saw that—basically, everyone's ratings are down.
CNN's down, I think.
I saw 44, 45 percent since Trump left office.
MSNBC's down.
Because those people wanted to see them bash Trump.
And now they don't need to anymore.
There's only 400,000 people that watch MSNBC and CNN.
I mean, how much lower can you go?
I watch One American News.
Yeah, I watch that.
I watch news.
Actually, I haven't really picked up any news yet.
I've watched Newsmax a couple times, but I haven't gotten back into the routine of watching it because I'm not ready for it.
Well, the thing is with One American News, I mean, if you watch an hour of it, then they just repeat it.
But they just report the news until you get to the evening.
Yeah.
And then you have—what is it?
The opinion pieces, the opinion notes.
Well, you have something with Stephanie Hill.
Now, this is a good-looking blonde chick.
And we call her—Susan and I call her perfect hair because it's blonde.
And then it turns, and then it's darker on the inside.
And it's always like—and it just weighs perfect.
So we call her perfect hair.
And then you go back through another hour, and then you have Real America with Dan Ball.
And he's right.
I mean, he was an ex-Air Force Academy.
I mean, he just says it like it is.
You know, the fact that you watch that show is highly offensive.
I know.
I mean, remember, there was a coach that almost lost his job because he wore a T-shirt that said OAN.
Well, yeah, he had to give back a million dollars a year of his salary.
So I can't believe you're even admitting on air that you listen to that.
Oh, yeah.
And you watch it.
Well, sometimes.
If I want to get some news, I do.
That's bullshit.
It takes me to—
We've already been over there.
I mean, I don't get any—
It's ridiculous.
I mean, I don't get any news from Andy Griffin, but that's just good, whole, hard, you know,
wholesome comedy.
Wholesome family entertainment.
That's right.
Yeah.
Agreed.
You know, help you raise your kids.
You know what?
There really isn't much of that anymore.
How many shows are out there that you would consider wholesome family entertainment?
South Park.
I don't know what your family's like.
Goddamn.
I don't know.
I did not do that.
That's a joke.
I mean, maybe Last Man Standing, I don't watch it, but I mean, I hear that's a good show.
Well, that's a good show.
It's a right-wing show, though.
Well, it's a little more than the others, but it's not all the way there.
But yes, it is.
Unless you start getting into, like, the Hallmark Channel and stuff like that, that's kind of—or
maybe not even Lifetime, but the Hallmark Channel, because they have several.
And that's where you find your wholesome good shows these days.
All movies.
They end all exactly the same way.
I mean, you watch one movie, and the next one, they just have a couple other characters.
The girl gets the girl.
Now there's their snow.
So I'm going to share a few things about some of the shows that are coming out right now
without getting specific with the actual names of these shows.
But like, I'll just say like Netflix.
It's like there's a criteria on all these shows that say, hey, man, we have to have some diversity going on.
We have to have a couple of kissing.
We have to have a couple—whatever.
We have to have some women kissing, guys kissing.
Bunch of sticks.
Wait a second.
What happens if you had an African-American woman that's a lesbian and an African-American man that was gay, and they kissed?
Then that's five stars.
Automatically five stars.
My point is they're making these movies.
And look, I don't care.
I don't have anything against gay people.
I love them.
I have some of those friends.
I don't give a shit.
They do not affect me in any—it's just unrealistic.
It's unrealistic to have this diversity thing that they're punching down on everyone's throat.
But they're trying to normalize it.
They're trying to make it seem for the rest of America that it is normal, completely normal.
And not only normal.
They're making it unnormalized by shoving it down everyone's throat.
Right.
Let's let grandpa die.
Let's let grandpa die with all his horrible feelings going on about gay people and black people bashing.
You know, those generations will eventually just go away.
So there's no sense of bringing it up.
You want to get rid of racism.
You want to get rid of this blackballing of different things.
We'll just stop talking about it.
Stop talking about it.
Yeah.
Stop talking.
Stop making an issue.
In my opinion, just treat everybody equally.
And everybody's going to treat everybody equally.
But there are people that disagree with us.
You know, they want to push the minority and they want to push their views on you.
Just like you dislike the next door.
The next door thing thing.
You know, a lady or the next door app.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
You don't mind.
I have to believe this.
But, you know, our subdivision is called Plantation Resort.
That doesn't mean talk about the plantation.
Yeah, that came up in one of the city meetings.
That was bull.
I don't know, but some lady put it on next door.
And she's offended.
Well, one of our friends sent it to me and said, you live in a racist neighborhood.
I said, what?
And she goes, well, that name really offends me.
And I've only put one comment on there.
And I read it and she goes, well, she did a survey.
Well, 95 percent of the people said, no, we're not going to change it just because, you know, the five percenter want it changed.
And I just wrote on there.
I said, look, if it bothers you, there was five percent people that objected to it.
No, 95 percent people said, keep it like it is.
But five percent said, no.
Yeah. Change the name.
Interesting.
Yeah.
So I basically put my one comment on there.
I said, look, the name offends you so much.
Won't you sell your house?
You'll make hundreds of thousands of dollars and you move somewhere else.
But I said, don't push your views because it bothers you.
It's a name.
It's just a word.
You know, you knew what the name was when you moved in here.
Yeah.
Well, that's that's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
If it offended you, you never would have made it.
It offends you.
It offends you now.
Back then, it's not like a marquee on the fucking front.
You know what?
You can make two or three hundred thousand dollars off your home.
Go move somewhere else.
But you know what?
I'm reflecting on actually what her post said.
And it wasn't that she was offended.
It was in the spirit of being woke.
No.
Yes, it was something.
It was something like this.
It was something like, hey, guys, what do you think if we do the right thing?
Because, you know, plantation has negative connotations.
What if we do the right thing and we and we change?
You know, we change the name.
No, you know, getting swept up in the wokeness.
No, no, she said she didn't say it offended her.
Yeah, she said it bothered her.
You know what?
I've got to and she is, you know, she was.
That's what this one point nine trillion is.
I know it's a bailout.
Democrat things.
I am both, you know, I mean, I don't need the fourteen hundred now.
I already bought me a boat with the other twelve hundred I got.
There you go.
I didn't get it.
I bought it for a hundred bucks.
Well, you know, it went in.
I mean, why did I get I said Paula, you made too much bullshit
because you're rich.
No, I'm not thinking white privilege, rich.
You probably you probably did get money.
White privilege.
It went into your bank account.
You just saw it.
They go my bank account.
That's what I mean.
It went into a bank account.
And speak speaking of that, that came up the other day about my wife goes,
well, did we get a stimulus check?
I said, yeah.
She goes, well, I didn't see any evidence.
Well, it went into buying a boat.
Did you just go look out the window?
You should look out the window.
There's your stimulus check.
She goes, well, you know, half of that's mine.
I said, well, whenever we pay taxes, I said, I said, whenever I have to pay
taxes at the end of the year, I said, I don't come to you and say,
hey, well, you pay your half.
I just pay it.
Yeah, she just kind of and ever since there's been turmoil in your house.
No, no, actually, I did.
Well, we get six hundred bucks one time and then something else the other.
So, you know, no, she just said, well, where's my, you know, of course,
you know, my wife retired in October from school district whenever Shelley
went to work.
Yeah.
And your wife retires and mine starts a career and I get screwed on this deal.
I'm doing laundry and running the dishwasher.
You had a day taking care of the dog, taking care of the dog.
You had a total role reversal.
Total.
You know, and speaking of that, I'm walking around with an apron on Zoom calls.
You know, and now now your wife, you know, Paula, call and say Paula caller
and say, hey, you know, such and such.
And, you know, kind of like when Sean took a phone call, you know, you have to
say, hey, why are you calling me?
I got shit to do.
Yeah.
You're the man.
Deal with it.
I wear the phone with the phone in this family.
I don't know when I'm going to be home, but it better be hot when I get.
Yeah.
Hand her the hand.
Hot.
I like that.
I like the confidence, man.
And you got to count.
I'm going to call bullshit, but I like the confidence.
Oh, no.
I do it.
I do it to my wife all the time.
Hand her the baby issue as soon as she walks.
It's your turn.
I get one finger up.
I need a massage.
Actually.
Those days were the worst.
When the kids were little tiny babies and like, you know, it's your turn to.
Everything was every request had like this devil thing to it.
Like when the baby's crying, it's hard to carry the baby around.
Well, I think I think babies wet.
It's hard to get a diaper.
I did it all day.
Yeah, I was like, why can't you just talk like a normal human?
Hey, honey, do you mind?
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, it was always like, right.
You know, you know, you know, you know, who told me those five things was and he's
he's a great friend of mine and everything, but we were at a Christmas party and he
was he he used to work same company I did and he was head of a inside sales and all
that.
And he was making a speech and his wife was sitting right next to me and I hung up one
finger and his eyes got about as big as the bottom of that beer can and he's shaking
his head.
So like, don't you even go there with the one to you know, why are you doing?
Oh, the famous five things he talked to.
But it gets man.
My wife will break my finger off and shove it up my ass.
Hold on.
Pull it out.
Hold on.
You done?
Yeah, sorry.
I was doing a beer out of the cooler.
Well, if you're going to make all that racket, why don't you pull another one out?
It was like you went digging.
I know.
It's like you went mining for coal.
Over there.
God.
I'm sorry.
Obviously, he's not found his way around the kitchen yet.
We need to get a little fridge up here.
A little fridge could sit right there.
There you go.
That way we don't have to deal with ice or anything like that.
That would be nice.
All right.
So hold on.
So what were the five things?
I just told you.
Well, we only saw one figure.
That was the one thing that I told you.
Why are you calling me?
Oh, okay.
I got shit to do.
You're the woman.
Deal with it.
No, I don't know when I'm going to be home, but it better be hot when I get there.
Wow.
Those are the keys to a long, successful marriage.
Paul's wife does the opposite.
You're the man.
Deal with it.
Those are going to be listed on your epitaph as she whips your ass.
Yeah, no shit.
No, actually I don't see that ending well in most marriages.
Well, when you wear the pants in the family, it doesn't really matter.
Oh, I like that.
You're so full of shit.
Paul wears the skirt and the thong.
So full of shit.
I'm waiting for the call.
Hey, man, do you have any extra room at your house?
Paul actually wears it.
Yeah, why?
Susan won't let me sleep here.
Oh, he said it in the wife's name.
I gave her all five at once and she just couldn't handle it.
Yeah, Paul actually wears the Daisy Dukes at home when he's working.
I wear the thong, man, the safari thong.
Your ass cheeks are kind of hanging out.
She digs it.
Oh, Harry.
Oh, she digs it.
You know what?
That bike gets in there and makes segues, which is a man manicure.
Oh, yeah.
Probably ought to do something.
Very nice.
You probably ought to do something with that hairy ass.
Maybe shave it.
Yeah, one of the topics we wanted to cover tonight was male manicuring.
Yeah.
And the...
And what's an automatic part of the routine?
Yeah, the different things that men do to just keep themselves groomed.
And it could range from anywhere from just trimming the nails
to waxing the balls and stuff like that, right?
So let's just start from the top.
Well, I mean, now today, you know, with COVID,
really it might just be just take a shower.
You know, if you don't go out of the house for a week,
you know, you might have a couple of days,
you know, you know what, I might need to take a shower.
It's funny you say that.
When you work from home full time, it's amazing how you can become like
Cro-Magnet.
Grizzly atoms.
Yeah, you can become Neanderthal like in weeks.
Oh, yeah.
It's amazing.
You know, when you're sleeping and your legs are kind of sticking together,
you know what, I think it's about time.
Yeah, it's like, you think to yourself,
when was the last time I showered?
I think I need to take a shower.
Yeah, I'll get the message from Sean.
I haven't showered in like four days.
Give me a minute.
I need to go shower.
I don't go four.
You know, it's funny.
So my boss, my boss is like, he's like militant.
He wakes up.
It doesn't matter that he works from home full time.
He's up at six.
He does his physical therapy or his workout or something.
He takes a shower.
He gets dressed and all this kind of stuff.
And then, you know, I just fall out of bed, crawl over to the computer.
You know what I mean?
God, I woke up.
I took a phone call at 8.32 this morning and I just woke up.
I was like, hello?
Right.
Right?
How embarrassing.
And so that's me.
I'm like polar opposite of what he is like.
But the problem is 11 o'clock we'll roll around and he'll be like,
hey, you want to meet for lunch?
And you're like, you're ripe.
And I'm like, I got to trim my nose hair and shower
and scrape this shit off my stomach and whatever.
Oh, don't go there.
Whoa.
What's up with that?
That sounded so bad.
So many levels.
First of all, is he talking about shit or is it shmeg?
Seriously, that shit, that may be the grossest thing I've ever inadvertently said.
So is that why?
That is the grossest thing ever.
So during a Zoom, you don't have your video on, right?
You definitely don't stand out.
If I do, I have a shell using your belly button as a saddle.
Grinding that thing in there.
OK.
I don't know what you're doing there.
So you're going to do like the gown CNN?
I don't know where that came from.
It sounds so gross.
It's all matted hair kind of stuck together.
That's kind of what I, no.
It's kind of like hair gel.
It's like hair gel.
You can mohawk your belly hair.
So what do men normally shave?
So wait a second.
Let's get back to the top.
So he has little dingleberries hanging off his belly.
I tell you what, if I keep working from home,
he may get to that point.
It's like a freaking Neanderthal, man.
It's bad.
Are you going to get one of those belly button rings
or something or what?
No, I'm good.
I don't really need that.
You couldn't see it.
Buried in there.
It's all matted.
No.
No, but as far as grooming, I think we all shave.
I shave really once a week now, Wednesdays.
And I'll trim up on Mondays.
And then Wednesday, I let it go until Monday.
So I really, and I just kind of use the electric razor
on Monday.
Then I do the hardcore razor blade on Wednesdays.
And I'm done.
That's it.
God, you know what?
I think I may invest in it.
Are the electric razors getting better?
Well, I tell you what.
Steven got me dialed in onto the little Gillette thing,
the little green thing.
And it looks like it would completely eat your face up.
But it does a decent job.
It's not going to get you like a razor,
but it does a pretty good job.
And I think it's Gillette that makes it.
And it does good.
You can go both ways.
Does it have to go a certain way?
Oh, Paul, you'll like that.
Go on both ways.
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, the point is that shaving is a hassle.
Excuse me.
It's very hardy.
It's a good burp.
Is it garlicky?
Remind me, never use your microphone.
Oh, well, do.
Ever.
The things that we did to your microphone when you weren't here?
That's just wrong.
No, it wasn't us.
It was some, I don't know who was up here.
Listen to me.
So yeah, let's skip that.
It's like next to my mouth.
That's disgusting.
It's an electric razor.
It's all shit on your belly.
What the hell are you talking about?
All right, so those electric razors,
I wouldn't mind getting one of those because if they actually
work, because I don't know anything about that.
Oh, it's Phillips Norelco.
That's what it is.
That thing right there.
This is new to me.
I have one of those.
I don't have a thick beard, but it's difficult to shave.
I mean, I shave every day.
I mean, I don't right now, I'm like you,
I have to shave like three times a week.
And if I had one of those, I could shave every day if it was
just...
It's easy.
And that has the one I...
Is it a rash or anything?
No, not at all.
And that comes with an attachment that you can set the
length and do your goatee as well.
Really?
Yes.
So I recommend that.
They're not expensive, 50 bucks or whatever they are,
35 bucks, depending on what attachments.
The heads themselves are about...
What is the power, the battery, the supply?
It lasts forever.
The battery does.
So it's a battery.
It's a battery rechargeable.
It comes with a little stand.
I can go four months before I have to charge it again.
My only fear about...
I use it once a week.
I have clippers.
We have like a little bucket under my sink.
It's a collection of clippers.
Well, the only thing is that you've got like my son...
He shaves his ass crack with it.
Dude, I mean...
What?
Not just him.
Your son comes over and they shave each other.
No, no, no.
Yes, they do.
What?
Ass cracks.
Yes, they do.
They shave each other's asses.
We are over at...
Okay, this is a problem.
We are over at John's...
Well, Preston's...
Are they swimmers?
Is yeti.
So are they just...
They're shaving their whole body?
They're swimmers?
No, no.
It's just...
I'm pretty sure you can shave your own ass crack.
Okay, I don't give a shit about that.
My point is that...
Do you use a blade?
I mean, I hate to cut.
I use a specific one for my goatee.
It's a straight razor.
They are using mine.
So I use a hedge clipper.
I have to frickin' go and buy a new one like every other month.
And so they keep adding up and I'm throwing them away.
And it's just like, dude, that's a good idea.
I'm throwing them away and it's just like, dude, that's disgusting.
Stop.
Well, you get it and then you hide it.
So you're basically putting their ass razors on your face.
No, I'm not.
That's why I have to throw them away.
Oh.
Well, you hide it.
Are you smelling?
If my boss says something...
Why do I need to hide my own shit in my own fucking house?
Because of the boys.
I've had to do that for different things.
Your booze?
Yeah.
Well, no, not the booze, but...
You got to save...
I tell you what, save in your pantry.
You know what I have to fucking hide?
You know what I have to hide?
What?
I have to hide coke.
Coca-Cola?
Yeah, because sometimes I want a Jack and Coke or bourbon and coke, and they go through
the soda so fast, I have to hide it in the fucking beer.
Why don't you get a soda stream?
You know, I thought about that.
I've got one you can have.
I can have it?
Yeah.
You just don't use it?
We don't use it anymore.
You can have it.
You can take it with you tonight.
I had one.
We just gave it to Preston.
We just gave it to the boys.
Is it good?
Yeah, it works.
It's the exact same thing.
Can you make it like half the sugar that you normally would?
Or you buy the diet?
I don't want diet.
You make it to taste.
You say, okay, then it only takes a cap, you pour it in there.
If you want half a cap, you can do half a cap.
Really?
Sure.
So I can make a sugar drink, but I can make it with as much sugar as I want.
Well, as much.
It's a syrup.
You get syrup.
It's a syrup.
Okay.
So they have that.
I think I will take it.
You can have a pump.
If you don't mind.
We had this up at that filtered coffee shop at Don Tom McKinney.
We would make these Italian sodas and we would make them with what is it called?
The soda stream?
The soda stream.
So we would make our sodas with soda stream.
So we would literally, when people would order an Italian soda, we would have like all these
different syrups.
What flavors would you like?
And they get overwhelmed.
Like, oh my God, I got like a fucking 50 syrups.
It's the same thing.
You do like do three pumps in one soda and you're done.
So if you want like two pumps or one, or one just lightly flavored, God bless.
Yeah, it's be like, hey, it'd be like coke flavor.
Because I'm trying to wean myself off of coke.
But I because I want that sweetness, right?
And I can't stand diet drinks.
I won't do it.
Oh, yeah.
I can't do it.
I mean, it's not exactly like it's the soda stream version of Coke.
Like, I think Julie, like right now I'm drinking Dr. K or whatever.
You know, Mr. K or whatever.
You're getting a lot of sugar.
You can buy Coke a ton. I'm getting 30 38 grams of sugar in a can.
I mean, it's not good.
So, yeah, you can control how much you put in.
So if you really, really want it, you can put like four cups of it in there.
Yeah. But, you know, it tells you how to do it.
And you just have to buy the bottles.
I think I'm talking about the thing about the soda stream.
The soda stream program are the actual CO2 canisters that you have to purchase.
And I still have some left.
So there's one in there.
You don't have to buy one.
And what you do is you go to Target and you exchange it.
A brand new one is like 30 bucks.
If you go to the customer service counter and say I have an exchange, it's like 15 bucks.
Is that like a well-kept secret or something?
I don't know. That's we figured out.
So why? So you guys are just done with soda?
Like you that's why you don't always stop doing it, right?
Because the one that Julie was using, they either stopped making it.
So she stopped drinking it.
Oh, that that particular flavor.
So she liked a particular flavor.
And so it's like they stopped it or they changed something about it.
She didn't like it.
So we stopped using it and we just haven't picked it up again.
I like it. I'll give it a shot.
Yeah, try it.
You just have to pick up the syrups and a couple of bottles.
So back to back to the original question.
I'm now I have to hide the syrup.
Paul, they're going to drink it straight.
Why don't you just drink Jack straight and then you do eliminate the Cokes.
And well, I do. I do that.
I do drink. I do drink, you know, cube with a cube.
Right. But there are some times I just I just want that sweet bourbon and coke.
Yeah, you see when you have part.
And then I go and then I hide one in the fridge and I go to the fridge
and frickin my son took it.
Well, we've got and I get angry to the local pub up the street.
We watch an 80s band or something like that.
And we'll go out. We'll do a bunch of three bourbon and Cokes tall.
Yeah. And God, man, the next day, it's not it's not the alcohol.
I mean, we do get her. It's the sugar.
It is. It's it's so caustic. It's so unhealthy.
I feel terrible when we do the whole Jack and Cokes all night.
Yeah, I feel bad.
Yeah, it's different. I feel great.
Well, maybe you're used to it, but I'm just saying, yeah, Cokes.
But it's not good for you. I know that it's not just the bourbons.
I mean, we get drunk, but I don't I don't really feel that bad the next day.
I do until you until you text at four o'clock. I still feel like shit.
Yeah, no kidding. Just last podcast.
Well, that was different.
Well, actually, no, it wasn't. It was when you came over.
It's when we were drinking on Saturday night and you had a ton.
I remember. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's right. I do remember that.
So, yeah, you get to SodaStream and like parties and stuff.
You can just make I drink as much as you want.
Yeah, I bet you did. Of Noah's Mill.
No, that wasn't that night. It was the drink.
Half of my body.
It was the one that had the oak spire inside. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, that's right. You started sucking on the stick.
I didn't suck on the stick that night. You wanted to know.
Well, actually, I kind of did, but Paul took it out and plunged him into his rectum.
And I was like, yeah, lots of plunging rectums tonight.
Really? I know lots of that talk.
I'm sorry. If you did want me to share it, then you should tell me.
I did not stick anything up my ass that night.
The next night, somebody did.
I pulled the spiral out of the garbage.
It's actually look, let's back up a little bit because this is disgusting.
What we're talking about. But actually, the bourbon that we that we have,
the bourbon I was drinking that night, I forget the name of that.
You want to say oak spire?
Oak Eden or something.
Ethan Oak Inspire.
Whatever. Really? Yes.
I got one out there if you want to look at it.
Actually, it's in the collection.
Yeah, well, I really enjoy it because it's a weeded bourbon.
And so I like the weed. I like weeded bourbon.
And we found out it's blended.
Well, it's from NGP. It's a basic stock bourbon.
They do not distill it themselves. They just. Right.
They take other people. Flavor it.
Yeah, they take other people's bourbon.
Oak and spire.
They just they flavor it.
P-I-R-E.
Oak Inspire.
Yeah, so it's a bourbon.
It does say oak and Eden.
Yeah, it does. You were right.
Actually, you're right.
It's oak and Eden.
Boom.
Told you, Paul.
I can't believe it. I can't believe I was right.
So they have a toasted oak spire in there.
I don't know what a spire is.
It's basically a stick of oak that they put.
It's like a spiral key bacteria.
Yeah, that is. Yeah.
It's for, you know, additional flavor and color.
It works.
It's very oaky.
Kind of like the worm with the tequila.
I don't think that's for color or flavor.
What the hell is.
Why do they put a worm inside of tequila?
That's a great question.
I'm sure one of our listeners knows.
I do not.
I know.
Well, because you get a treat at the end.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
Are you supposed to eat the worm?
I've eaten it.
It's full of all kinds of stuff.
It's got like carcinogens and magnesium.
Well, it cleanses your body.
I'm sure it does.
It's got a conjoin.
Because after you eat it, you purge like a motherfucker.
God.
Well, you look at it this way.
So it says the worm is actually added for flavor.
It's the claim that all worm using mezcal producers make.
The worm will give you powers around the globe of ours.
And the powers are those who believe they are drinking a spirit
that contains the essence of a certain animal.
OK, that website has absolutely no credibility.
Hey, what type of worm is it?
I mean, it's not an earthworm.
Oh, it says it's a larva of a moth referred to as a gusano.
It changed the flavor back in the 1940s.
It was a mistake, but he found out that it changed the flavor
to something better.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Jacobo.
I don't know.
Paez.
Well, whatever.
So basically, this guy was making tequila,
and he was kind of like, son of a bitch,
you didn't clean out the fucking bottles again, did you?
All right, scarface.
Yeah.
I'm just saying he was probably talking to one of his kids,
and he was like, yeah, you didn't clean out the bottles.
There's a fucking worm in here.
What's wrong with you?
And so he was like, oh, my God.
Did he say the F word?
This worm is fantastic.
Oh, he probably said beochie.
Probably.
Paul, that's why we're growing an agave plant.
I mean, we're going to come out with a.
You're growing an agave?
Is it a blue agave?
Well, we're going to make our own tequila.
Very nice.
I mean, from one agave, how much tequila can you get?
I think it's a shot.
Yeah, three ounces.
Three ounces?
Look at the agave plant he has.
It's very dangerous looking.
It's a.
Hey, trust me, I've been stabbed.
It's like a cactus.
Well, no, it's got like blades.
You have one?
Yeah, we've got one.
We've got one big one in the back,
and then we started having little offsprings over here
and over there.
So we took those.
Are they like, oh, you transplanted?
Nice.
Look on that picture right there, that agave tequila
picture.
Tequila.
Yeah, those are those.
You got to tell yourself.
Yeah, I saw that.
A tequila.
Tequila.
And then an A at the end of the line.
Back we line.
Tequila.
I don't know what to say.
That's why you have all the sharp sharp points,
because it's connected.
It's it's protecting the bud.
That's where the tequila is.
Because that's what you dig the whole plant up, I think.
Yeah, you dig the whole plant up, and then you chop off
all the top, where they get the tequilas from the bottom
underground.
Well, they ferment that.
Really?
Yeah.
Look at you, Mr. Tequila-nologist.
I saw it on TV.
Yeah, I was going to say.
It's a documentary.
Commercial.
Yeah.
I like watching documentaries.
Yeah.
I do as well.
I'm huge on documentaries.
I love documentaries.
I would I would watch them.
I just don't.
You know, it's not a choice.
It's not on my list.
When I go to my parents, my dad's always watching how
things are made.
That's a fun show.
I mean, he always watches that.
So, you know, you learn about a lot of stuff.
You know, it's funny because our children are getting
more and more disconnected from real world.
Like all they do is go to a grocery store and they pick
up a package having no idea where it comes from, how
it's processed.
Producer, can you can you turn off the fan?
Are you cold?
My nipples are getting harder.
Are you getting nipple blades?
That's adorable.
Yeah.
Hard nipples.
Sean, are you getting excited?
You've been talking about pulling the ass and everything
going up.
He's been talking about a spiral thing that he shoves up
his ass.
Well, Sean typically gets naked while he's doing this
podcast.
The first thing that happens is your nipples get hard.
The first thing I do when I get up here is I take my
shoes off and then my pants.
He's done that.
He did a podcast without his pants on.
Really?
Yeah.
So he just kind of loosens them a little bit.
So we protested the whole time.
Unsticks the ball sack from the leg.
What is your obsession with the words ball sack?
That's another one you say.
You say all nude and ball sack.
That's how I got my...
It's like finding...
I got my favorite football team based on my ball sack
sticking to my leg.
It's called bat wings.
Well, he said it.
Yeah, see bat wings.
Whatever.
Our listeners could go through every podcast doing
like a Where's Waldo game, like a drinking game.
Every time Jeff says...
You got to say puba.
Yeah, every time you say puba.
Puba and ball sack.
I've never said puba.
Puba.
You said it last podcast.
Pupa is like one of the stages that a butterfly goes through.
Yeah.
And what's interesting is the way you change your
inflection when you're talking about something.
You're like, oh, you know, when you're shaving and you
get your puba.
It doesn't make sense.
It's like so forceful.
Ball sack.
All right.
So have you ever shaved your ball sack?
You're looking at me?
Yeah, Paul.
I have.
Paul.
I think we have.
I shaved it with a straight razor too.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm a brave muscle.
Why would you do that?
It was a...
I don't know.
You dare?
No, I just fucking did it.
Did you nick it?
So you squirted shaving cream all over your balls?
Yeah, I just...
In this conversation, did you dry shave?
The word squirt.
Did you kind of like stretch your...
Squirt it all over the place.
Did you have to stretch your ball sack out really far?
There it is.
There's ball sack.
I did.
You stretched out your ball sack and shaved your pubes.
Dude, if you get a certain age, you could take your...
Your balls are like...
It's like a can of Silly Putty.
You could just stretch that shit out.
And stand on it?
Oh, yeah.
So you basically...
You could put it on a newspaper?
So I could have a small can of...
And then you could stretch Beetle Bailey's face?
What have you been doing down here?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Look at this.
Look at Beetle Bailey.
I got into the cartoons again, honey.
So you just made yourself the bald eagle just for no reason?
Gross.
You know?
If you're going to do it, you got to have a reason.
I mean, whenever I did it, I was getting fixed.
Well, the first time I...
Whenever my wife was eight months pregnant, she took me in there.
We had sex, and it was kind of cool because it was different.
But after, like, the hair starts growing back...
Yeah, I think it's pretty painful.
Well...
It's itchy for the woman?
It's a little itchy.
And it's a little barb... barbary.
Barby.
She had like a big rash on her forehead.
Was that where Barbary Pirates came from?
Yes.
I don't know.
Shave scrotums.
That's why the Barbary Pilots...
You guys didn't catch that.
I'm not going to repeat it.
What's the name of our new band?
What's that?
The Shaved Scrotums.
Yeah, we've come up with some pretty interesting band names over the years, haven't we?
Of course, we have no band, but it's still fun to have band names.
Well, we're getting the equipment to offer something.
No, we're really not.
We've talked about this for years.
No, we're not.
We're not going to learn instruments and be a band.
That's called the Shaved Ball Sax.
Well, this is to play guitar hero.
And then Paul came up with the record cover of the... you know what that was.
Oh, God.
I don't remember.
Two penis heads that were cut in half.
No, no.
That's on you.
That is on you, Jeff.
You just found that.
That is ridiculous.
Don't even...
Brian, I don't know if you could pull that up.
I know the producer could find it.
No, no, we're not picking...
We're not pulling up anything.
It's basically they show two penis shafts with the head and the tip of the head was cut
in half.
I don't need to relive this.
And they took the two penises and pushed them together so they were infused.
Oh, my God.
One was hugging the other.
And then you had two.
So it looked like a skateboard.
So there was the left lip kissing the right lip of the other dick.
It was horrifying.
It was awful.
It was.
I've never been in a texting situation where I get pictures that really affect me.
Like, it's awful.
What did you call it?
Are you saying pics from our buddy that sends Jim Brown everywhere?
You know, the African American that has the long don't?
No, that's Wood.
We call that BBD, big black dick.
That gets around a lot.
That meme is like exhausting.
Yeah, but they are finding super creative ways to just insert it into everything.
It's amazing.
The best one I ever saw was a radar, a weather report.
I've seen that one.
And the radar and then the big BBD floats in.
I'm like, really?
I get nailed on it a lot.
I like the Zoom meeting that he populates on one of the screens.
mittens, but you're looking at that everywhere now.
Wow.
This is good, guys.
They also did it on the NFL draft last year.
This took years to figure out how to edit for this one.
There was a picture.
So the NFL draft had all the fans.
And then he plays it like abandoned family reunion.
You saw him in one of the things.
This is so cool.
Did they really?
Oh, come on.
Oh, wow.
It's cool, man.
So bad.
Look at that here.
See, that's why I never turn my camera on.
Look at that.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah.
So the new one is the Bernie meme.
side note, I got to tell you,
his little mittens but you're seeing that everywhere now.
The one that made me laugh out loud.
B-E was our Hawkenstong or whatever it is.
Oh, was that?
Hawkenstong or whatever it is.
Gangnam style.
Gangnam style or whatever it is.
I don't know.
Gangnam style.
Okay. Do the meme of him doing the Gangnam style.
What the hell is it? I don't know how to say it.
G-H-A. There was a picture of that.
He looked like he was sitting up there in the Green Bay Gang.
I don't know.
Just hit that.
It's not Gangnam.
There it is.
All the way on the left.
I laughed 100% out loud.
That was great.
That is great.
So they got a picture of what is that guy's name?
What is his name?
I don't know who's saying it.
The Korean dude.
And he made a ton of money.
Well, he was actually on Star Search.
It was like someone's got talent.
And he went up there and he was fucking horrible.
But he had so much showmanship and so much energy.
They were like, fuck it, man.
Give him a contract.
He made that video.
I don't know if it was tied to a show.
He made the video.
What was it?
Click on that again.
It was huge.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
What?
Bagan...
Gangnam Style.
Oh, yeah.
Help me here.
It's Psy.
The guy's name is Psy.
Gangnam Style.
Play the song.
That's him.
Play the song.
No, if I want to.
We're not going to recognize it unless you play the song.
If I want to listen to a Korean sing,
I'll just go to my parents' house because next door,
they sing K.R.I.O. and I have not recorded it yet.
But it reminds me of Rush Hour, whenever they're singing K.R.I.O.
That's not it.
You got to do the real one.
Or it reminds me of A Christmas Story.
Y'all were talking about that.
Oh, that's it.
And they were singing Farrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrahrah.
They were not.
Oh, yeah.
One guy, my mom says, is really good.
Everybody instantly knows what this is.
This guy is a multi-multi-millionaire because of this one video, one song.
All right.
So what's his name?
His name is Psy.
Yeah.
So we need to get a start.
He got to start on a talent search.
Bernie Sanders' head right there.
That'd be funny.
And it's just him doing that little stupid dance.
Look, he's in America.
He ought to be speaking English.
He's not.
He's a Korean.
I know.
Yeah.
It's pretty damn funny, man.
All right.
Even my dad knows this.
You got your own version of that at your parents' house.
Oh, at your neighbor's.
And you're talking about, man, they can fill up like three trash cans of beer.
The producers are probably not where you got to start.
I need to go over there and I'm just going to video them.
But whenever it gets about 2 or 3 in the morning, it's not too much fun.
You have to go out there and tell them.
But I mean, they've got a crank in there.
And I'm not being racist, but in general, Asian Americans or Asians in general,
they love the karaoke, man.
Oh, yeah.
They love it.
And Sean, you should know this, right?
You did karaoke for years and years and years, right?
Yeah.
Were there a lot of Asians?
Or maybe that's what?
There were not a lot of Asians.
But let me tell you, there are a lot of Asians that do karaoke.
They just never really showed up at my show.
The ones that they did.
They do it at home, maybe.
Well, the thing is is that there were some that went out there.
But I'm trying to think.
There was this one Asian dude.
He was saying fantastic.
But there was a song by Peter Frampton that he would sing.
It was like, ra ra ra ra ra.
It was funny.
I wasn't sure if he did it on purpose.
Are you talking about the one with the guitar that sounds like a human voice?
Yeah.
He's using the Voxbox, right?
Well, no.
The lead singer for Journey now.
What is he?
He's Filipino.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
I found that dude on YouTube.
It's crazy, right?
He did sound good.
Oh, he did?
He sounds good.
I saw him in concert.
He was good.
Yeah, we did.
So hold on.
I was there.
Yeah, you were trying to fight with the people behind us.
No, I was trying to stop them from fighting.
I don't know about that.
I did stop them from fighting.
I don't know.
I'm the ultimate peacemaker.
Everywhere I go.
He spent half the concert turned around.
No, I didn't.
He was jawing.
That's not true.
Of course, you couldn't hear him because the guitar was so loud.
That's right.
It was horrible.
I know.
What, the concert was?
Now that I can remember.
All right, so Def Leppard opened for Journey.
They were good.
Def Leppard was amazing.
Awesome.
Amazing.
And Journey sucked horribly because all the mic, all the
sound was focused on the lead guitarist who's the original
guy.
Neil Shown.
And you couldn't even hear the guy.
It was horrible.
So the mix was bad.
That's correct.
The soundboard, the sound people.
I think we might be at the halfway mark.
We are at the halfway mark.
Journey Live was good with Steve Perry.
We saw it back in the 80s.
You actually saw Steve Perry live?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's true.
My wife and I, we saw Journey.
And yeah, it was with Steve Perry.
You know, when we come back, let's talk about our best
concert.
Let's open with our best concert when we come back.
All right.
We are at the halfway mark.
So we'll see you at the next podcast.
Bye-bye.
Sure thing!