Welcome to our podcast, The Why in the 20s.
My name is Viv.
And I'm Nat.
We are two counselors in our mid-20s navigating our adulthood away from our home country, exploring
the why questions we encounter relating to relationships, identities, and uncertainties.
So whether you're listening to our podcast while going for your walk or doing your chores,
welcome on board and let the journey begin.
Welcome back to another episode, The Why in your 20s.
Yay!
I heard that you have exciting news to share with us, Nat.
Yes.
It's very different from last week because last week we, I mentioned I failed my driving
test and I immediately booked another one.
And I passed!
Yeah!
It's like the flip side of last week, but it really matched with what we are talking
today.
That is very true.
I think we think of this topic because of my current experience of failing my driving
test.
Yeah, mainly you thought of this topic.
Yeah.
And obviously, you know, when I'm sad and I start rambling and ruminating.
And then I think during the midnight of that day, I failed my test.
I opened the Google drive where we have all the potential topics that we will talk.
And I just keep typing on like potential topics that we can talk.
And I think it's the good side of it.
Like, even though I have bad experience, at least I have some inspirations.
That is very true.
Yeah.
I'm glad you experienced that.
I'm not sure if I just said that.
I'm not glad you experienced that.
I'm very happy that you were able to pass your test.
Yeah, thank you.
I'm very glad that you.
Yeah.
So it really connects to what we're talking about today.
And today's topic is why am I so harsh on myself?
And sometimes I think we as human beings or as ourselves, we are very harsh on ourselves.
Yeah.
Especially ourselves, not on other people, but ourselves.
Do you think that way?
I think so.
I don't know if it's my personality or I think that's like a bite.
It's like a cognitive bias that we tend to focus more on the negative events more than
the positive.
And I think that's how I think as well.
Even though I have experienced positive and negative things, I still feel the negative
event is more significant.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
But I think it's like a combination of negative bias and also how you manage your thoughts
and feelings.
Yeah, that's true.
And it's hard to think of the things that like the positive sides.
Can you think of one at the moment?
Like what is one of your proudest moments in your life or maybe recently, depending
on what comes to you first?
I think that's what makes it interesting because I can think a lot of failures, but
I think it's a struggle for me to think of a proud moment.
And if you really need to ask me, and I think that's maybe years ago, but not any recent
memories.
I think one of the most significant proud moments I can think of is when I was in high
school and I was doing a, it's like a singing contest with the class and then we got the
first place.
I think because I've put so much effort in it and it's been a roller coaster journey
planning and executing that performance.
It's just when we got the first place, it's like, oh my gosh, it's not like I recognise
all the effort that me and my friends put it in, but I'm also very proud that I can
actually do it.
Yeah.
And I think when I was thinking of other proud moments, I can think of, you know, I got this
job or I get into this role, but then it's not really that proud because I feel like
that's what I need to do.
It's part of my responsibility.
So I think that's part of being harsh on myself.
I'm saying I won't recognise that as a proud success moment, but more my responsibility,
if that makes sense.
Yeah.
What did you do when you felt proud?
Like, did you want to share with someone or did you want to celebrate or like what kind
of thing did you want to do when you felt very proud of yourself for achieving something
that's well, it's obviously something that matters to you.
I think I'm proud just not for myself, but like the whole class is just purely happiness
at that moment.
And of course, now I look back, I don't dare to rewatch the video, but it's just, no,
I remember clearly how happy I even cry.
It's like very touching moment.
Touching moment.
Yes.
Yeah.
Similar when I, for me personally, when I grew up, my grades weren't great.
It was very, it's not that it's not great.
It's very poor.
It's very poor and I barely passed.
So it's really not my Asian way of thinking that it's average.
It's actually very below average.
And it's okay.
I think I just didn't have that ability to achieve what everyone else was achieving.
But when I actually, the proudest moment, I think for recently is that I was actually
able to maintain my grade for my master's degree.
And I didn't expect that I could do it.
I expected, for example, the first semester I got 6.5, yay.
And then I was like, oh, it's just lucky.
And I think that goes back to the, like, I'm being very harsh on myself, but I felt like
everyone got it.
So then it doesn't matter anyways, especially his master's degree.
No one cares about the grades.
But then I think I was very proud because I was able to maintain that, maintain that
grade throughout the two years.
And it was like a roller coaster kind of thing because I got a few bad grades in my last
semester and I tried really, really hard to pull it back up in the last assignments.
So yeah, I was pretty proud about that.
And how do you feel that proud?
Is it happiness or?
I think it's more about I put in the effort and it reaped like my seeds that were, that
I put in, it actually reaped.
It made something out of it.
I like that.
Another analogy.
I love it.
It's actually pretty easy to draw too.
You just have to draw like a little seed and it reaps.
Yeah.
Well, that's the analogy for this episode.
You're welcome.
Did your parents congratulate you like when you did your singing contest, when you were
done with your singing contest and got the first place?
Well, I'm a quite rebellious kid.
So it's teenager years.
I barely talk to my parents.
So I didn't even tell them in person that I got first place.
Oh, and because, and I'm not here like blaming my parents or anything.
And I'm sure they want the best out of me as every parents will do.
They do want me to focus on academic because it's closer to the public exam.
And I do spend a lot of time preparing for that singing contest, even during exam period.
So I think internally, I would assume, assumed my parents won't be happy for me because that's
not what they want me to focus on, which I get it.
And I wish I focused more on study at that time, now thinking back.
But yes, I don't think they congratulate me for it.
Yeah.
What about other stuff?
Like today in general, reward you on certain things?
I think I'm the same as a lot of Asian parents or like parents in general.
I shouldn't categorize that.
You need to earn your reward.
Like it's doing good is not enough.
You need to be work hard, earn the achievement.
Then there's a reward.
Like when I was a kid, you know, they have dictation.
I will get those tiny toys if I get five full marks in a row.
So you can't just simply get the toy.
You need to earn it.
You need to at least do something, do some household chores or like help your parents
or even at school, you have like stickers book.
So you need to get five stickers in a row to get a prize.
So I think that's what we grew up learning is you need to earn the reward, but punishment
is very easy.
You did one thing wrong and you're out.
Like punishment is on the way.
You agree with this or it's different from your parents or your school?
I agree as very stereotypical Asian parents and even other parents.
Yeah.
But for me, I think sometimes I feel that way, but sometimes it's not like that.
For example, previously I did not feel that way.
I felt like just good enough is okay.
Yeah.
I don't have to, let's focus on grades for now.
I don't have to get the highest grade to earn my parents' love.
But when I got the high mark in my masters, the reaction that they gave me felt like-
It means the whole world.
Yes, to them.
And it just felt, I was happy still, but at the same time you feel that, oh, it's only
when I get that grade, then they will be so happy.
They will be so proud of it.
And they were just waiting for that moment.
Is there some moment that you wish they had the same feeling of proud, but you didn't
get it?
Yeah, that's the thing.
I think my parents are not very stereotypical Asian parents where they reward me for other
stuff as well.
It's not only academics.
Maybe because I wasn't very academically gifted.
But for example, I had a lot of extracurriculars, like basketball, chess, just different things
in general, but piano and all that.
So I don't think I had to do those things to get a reward.
I felt like even if I don't do it, it's okay.
It's just I need to give them a reason, like a good enough reason.
You can't just say, oh, it's too hard and I give up.
That's not a good enough reason, I would say.
But it's more like I've tried it, it doesn't work.
And then I give up.
Then perhaps that's a good enough reason.
I think it's interesting because sometimes we learn through people's reaction as well.
And I think for your master results, that the reaction that they give it to you might
subconsciously wire some thoughts that you have that you feel like academic is linked
to parents' love.
For example, but not in your case, but for some people.
I think definitely.
And I don't think even when I got a bad mark or did something not horrible, but like a
kid would do like breaking your toys or breaking someone else's toys.
I don't think they criticized me on that.
Did they criticize you?
Well, yes, I definitely remember.
And again, I'm not here.
I think it's a very important mindset when we are talking about parenting.
That's no perfect parenting.
There's only good enough parenting and as I said, parents try to do their best and give
the best for us.
And also there's negative bias we mentioned in the beginning where we focus on the negative
more than the positive.
So it's actually quite normal if you have more negative memories than positive.
But yes, I do remember it's like a lot.
I'm not blaming my parents.
We're mainly discussing about the impact of it and they are both positive and negative.
I think for this episode, because of the phrasing of the question, we do focus on the negative
side.
There are a lot of positive things that my parents have taught me and I'm sure they have
taught you as well.
It's just for this episode that we're focusing more on the negative side.
Yeah, that's a good reminder.
Okay.
Going back to the question, did they criticize me?
I think I remember one time I got the exam paper.
I think it's liberal studies.
It's not called liberal studies, but like it's a subject around news and everyday life.
Social studies?
Yeah, something like that.
It's not science or like, don't know how to explain.
Anyway, what subject doesn't matter.
What's more important is the story.
So I got 95, I think.
Oh, which is pretty good.
Out of 100?
Yeah, yeah.
I was like quite happy.
I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy on my marks as well because my study is actually
quite average as well.
So I went home, I give it to my mom and she's at first, she's like happy.
Like you can see she's not like angry face or like stressed face.
And then she's like, I taught you this before, the exact same question.
How do you get it wrong?
And I don't think she is trying to scold me or anything, just pointing it out.
But I'm just really scared and sad on, or why don't you focus on the 95% that I got
it right instead of that 5% that I got it wrong.
Yes, I think that's one of the most remarkable memory that I have.
So it's like even getting a 95%, she kind of displayed like some kind of disappointment
in that one question that you could have gotten it right.
Yeah, you could have got 100.
You could do better.
Yeah, and you then learn from your mistake.
Yeah, I think that's, it's not, I would say that's a criticism, but yeah, I think in general
how I've been brought up is there's more criticism than praise because as I said, praise equals
to your responsibility in doing good.
That is not a good thing to praise, it's what you need to do.
Right, right, right.
And when you did it wrong, that's criticism.
So I would say that's more criticism than praise growing up, even at school.
Yeah.
Well, like when they criticize you, when you do something like quote unquote bad in their
eyes, like what kind of punishment do you usually get?
I think in our generation, like hitting is still considered an acceptable punishment.
Yeah.
It's not really acceptable now, but back then it was, right?
I think hitting that's a must.
But I think it changed growing up when I was in teenagers, they don't hit me and my sister
anymore.
But yeah, I think there's a change when I was young, of course, it's like verbally scolding
us to getting older, you kind of see disappointment on their face.
They don't even need to voice it out, you can already sense it.
I think that's a change in that.
What about you?
How will your parents criticize you?
I think when I was younger, it's very hard to think of like a moment they criticized
me, but punishment definitely.
I can't think of a specific incident, but what they usually do is that they also hit
us, but less on me because I was the younger one and they realized, they knew it didn't
work on my sister.
And I truly believe they don't want to hit us because they're parents and it hurts them
as well.
Yeah.
They don't actually have to hit us.
I think the fear of getting hit is worse than getting hit.
For example, when my dad brings the skai mo so.
We call it hantiu.
I don't know the English.
It's like a stick.
Let's just imagine it's similar to a clove hanger.
Yeah.
Okay.
Like for example, a clove hanger or something to hit with.
My dad just has to take out that thing and then hit it against the wall.
I know.
Oh, the flashback.
I'm so sad that we have to bond over this.
Like that noise, it only creates enough fear that we stop whatever that we're doing.
Yeah.
I agree.
It's like this, doesn't have to hit the wall.
It's just like the wind sound.
The wind sound.
Like, woo, woo.
Yeah.
Oh God.
Yeah.
I think just that fear of getting hit, it actually, I think that was the punishment
itself already.
And they don't, they didn't have to hit us.
I think when I got hit once or twice in my life, eventually they didn't have to do that.
It's just more about creating that fear.
I don't think they, that was their motivation.
Their motivation is to put us in the right path.
I think at that time, that's how they knew how to do it.
And that's what their parents do as well.
I'm assuming.
I'm assuming their parents did that as well.
Cause it's even more acceptable in their generation.
Yeah.
But then what, if they criticize me by words, I wouldn't say that much.
Or maybe it's just so like, if your parents criticize me, I would consider that as very,
a very big thing that I think I would just try to forget it.
Yeah.
Cause I think it's just very hurtful if it's coming from your parents, coming from someone
you, someone you love.
Yeah.
I think it's definitely what you said is true.
And I do realize, you know, when you're young and your parents criticize you and you're
sad and because that's what you learned when you're growing up.
So when you, I can just say on my behalf that when I reached teenage years, it's already
wired strongly in my mind that when my parents do the opposite, it's actually a punishment
to me.
What it really means for say, I didn't do well in the subjects and they say, well, you
really try your best, that's okay.
And I can, I see that as a disappointment.
I see that as a criticism on myself.
And it's so interesting to see how your upbringing can change how you believe now.
So when I grew up, when I was like in teenage, they no longer hit me.
They no longer scold me.
Well, sometimes still do if I did something wrong, but like, if I'm focusing more on the
academic side, I think even they do praise me.
I can internalize it as criticism.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Can you think of a specific incident that they praised you and you internalize it as
a criticism?
I think maybe I don't really remember the exact wordings, but maybe it's just for say,
it's okay if you didn't pass the public exam.
I don't know if it's like family genetics, but we are not really good in Chinese.
That's what I want to believe.
Okay.
Sure.
It's our genes.
It's our inner genes.
Yeah.
And then because if you fail the Chinese, then you cannot get into better uni in Hong
Kong.
So they say, oh, you can go overseas.
And it's just like a statement.
There's no positive.
There's no negative.
Am I that bad?
You know, go on that spiral.
I used to be good in academics.
Now this always go downhill.
And partially because at that time, my mental health is not that great.
Plus the things that I learned when I was young and that self criticism goes into me
at that moment.
Yeah.
I think also like when they said it, it feels like, I don't know if that's the intention,
but it almost feels like they expected you to fail.
Yeah.
No, it's like track.
I didn't tell them I failed my driving test.
And I got a message yesterday saying, when did you reschedule your test?
And I'm like, how do you know I failed my driving test?
Do you just assume that I would fail for the first time?
So I asked that I was like, why do you think I failed?
And then my dad said, well, you didn't let us know the results.
So I just assumed you fail.
I think fair assumption to be honest.
Yes.
It's not a negative assumption.
I think it's just an assumption because if you don't share it, it must be a bad news.
That's the thought that I have after I calm myself down.
At that moment I'm like, do you look like I failed?
Do I look like I'm someone that bad at driving or I didn't work hard enough?
But yes, that's just the first thought that I go to.
That explains this topic that we're talking today.
But also like failing your driver's test, it wasn't because you weren't trying hard
enough.
It's more about the nerves.
Well, we can talk about that later.
And it's okay to fail on your first try guys.
Yeah.
Does your sister have driver's license?
Yes.
Did she pass on the first try?
No.
Oh, yeah.
She also failed?
It's genetics.
Did your parents know that?
Yeah.
Because of my sister, she's very open in sharing her stuff, I assumed, whereas I'm not very
good at texting, which I'm still actively trying to improve, but it's very hard.
Anyway, she did let my parents know.
She let me know as well.
So maybe it's an expectation that if, you know, like comparison with my sister, if my
sister failed, maybe I would fail as well.
Did you compare yourself when you failed your test, did you feel like, oh, it's okay because
even my sister failed, like it's okay for me to fail?
I think that's one of my thoughts that is, well, my mom failed.
She still haven't get hers.
Well, my sister failed the first time.
It's okay.
It's okay to fail for the first time for myself as well.
It's one of the ways of talking myself out of that spiral.
Yeah.
Simply that thought doesn't help, like that's most of that need to pull myself out.
But yeah, I think sometimes I do compare with my siblings as well.
Do you?
Because I know you have a sister as well.
I'm throwing the ball at you.
I think, I think since young, I don't compare myself with my sister, especially with academics.
Like I never compare it or even other aspects because I feel like she's always been my role
model and she's very academically gifted, I would say.
And she likes studying.
People like studying, I seriously.
She likes studying and like she's on such a different level that it's so hard to compare
myself with her.
If I continuously compare myself with her, I would be like nothing because in comparison
she's so high up there already that I feel like there's no use in comparing.
Like it's too far to reach.
Yeah, exactly.
Like I always use this example.
It's like if there's Albert Einstein is right next to you, would you compare yourself with
him?
No.
Exactly.
I would not, that's the same way that I would not compare Albert Einstein.
I will not compare my sister because it's not on the same level.
It's why would you do that to yourself?
Interesting.
And then I've told my sister this and then my sister was like, no, I'm not that smart.
I feel like I'm putting her on a pedestal, but she is really that.
I think she is really that great.
But do your parents compare you to?
They don't, perhaps they do, but I think they, the way they compare is that they focus more
on, okay, she's very academically gifted.
She's book smart, but you're street smart.
Yeah.
Like I'm better at puzzle chess, like all that logical stuff.
I'm better at reading people's emotions, reading the room and stuff like that.
So they focus more, you're good at that stuff.
They don't say, oh, you're not good at academics.
I think the way you phrase it or the way you compare it is very important and it makes
a very big difference.
Yeah.
I think your parents focus more on the positive side, the strength base.
Strength base.
Yeah.
Your parents have strength base approach.
Yeah.
There was one specific incident where I felt like my dad was very disappointed with me.
I don't remember what was, what I did and obviously, but he was like, oh, you're just
like that kid.
And that kid, it was someone that we know is like a little brat.
Oh, that must be hurtful.
And then I was like, I'm so sad.
I was so sad at that moment.
But other than that one specific incident, not really comparing with like other kids.
Yeah.
I know some people experience this like comparing, oh, that kid is great at academics.
Why can't you be more like them kind of thing?
Have you ever experienced that with your parents?
Well, honestly, now I'm doubting my memory.
And that is true.
Like our memories are not a hundred percent accurate.
But I don't think my parents ever say, you're not as good as that kid, but they do say that
when you talk about other kids and you feel like it's a comparison for say, oh, you know
that that kid is doing blah, blah, blah.
Maybe they didn't mean to compare you with that kid, but just what they said, I can internalize
this.
Oh, are you saying I'm not good enough than that kid?
Yeah.
And of course, I don't think that way when I was a kid, you know, it's just what you
think in your mind.
But now I reflect back.
Maybe that's what I'm thinking at that moment.
Yeah.
I think parents sometimes do compare siblings with each other or with other kids.
And the siblings is, I think it's a very delicate situation to handle because there might, it
brings out some sibling rivalry, which I think I see in like other families.
And I feel it's just so important to have that relationship with my sister, at least
for my case is very important.
Any kind of failures that I experienced, the first person I always go to is my sister.
I always share with my sister first and talk it out with her.
And then I will go to my parents.
Like it was something more important.
It was just like something very minimal.
Then yeah, I won't go to my parents, but then if it's more important, I feel then I will
go to my parents.
Okay.
So one thing it's, I think it's not like really a failure, failure, but at that moment,
I just felt very stupid.
It was when I first came to Brisbane early last year, it was very stupid.
Okay.
I brought, it was orientation week.
So a few of us went to orientation.
It was raining that day.
Like I didn't have a big backpack or anything to bring my stuff there.
I don't know why I was just being stupid.
So yeah, it was very clumsy.
I had to bring my umbrella, my phone, like everything, like free stuff as well, getting
from the orientation.
And I brought my earphones, my earbuds.
I can see where they're coming from.
I lost it.
The thing is I didn't lose the whole thing.
I only lost the buds.
So I think the case opened in the middle and then it just fell.
So I still have the case somewhere.
Why?
I don't know.
I feel like it must be useful at some point.
Like what are my current one?
I don't know.
Anyways, I just kept it.
You kept the earphone but lost the case.
No, I lost the-
Now I mean like just in case.
Oh yeah, yeah, just in case.
Yeah, just in case I lose my case in the future.
So it was like my first week here and then I lost it.
I just felt so stupid.
It's like, you could have done that.
You could have done that.
You could have done better.
So I still, even though I said I would share with my sister immediately, I waited for like
a week, two weeks just to, just to, I don't feel a bit better about the whole situation.
And then I shared it with her and she was just so supportive.
It was like, oh, it's actually time for you to get a new one.
I love that.
And then she was like, oh, and it's going on sale because new ones are coming out.
So the galaxy buds are cheaper now and stuff like that.
Yeah.
Just being very supportive.
Actually to this moment, I still have not told my parents about it.
What's up you?
At that moment, I feel like they would scold me.
Saying, why can't you be more careful?
What I did to myself is that you should have done better.
You should have checked everything before you move to another place.
So you're in that spiral for like two weeks.
Oh no, I was in and out from that spiral.
I can completely avoid it and then go back to it.
I think it's mainly like when I'm alone in my room, then I actively go to that spiral.
Well, that's a really funny story.
It's very sad.
I'm not down there orientation.
Hey, no, I don't think I'll go if it's raining.
No, no, I don't think I knew you very well.
Oh, actually, no, you do.
Not very well, but you do know me.
Yeah, I went to your place before that.
Yeah.
I'm sad now.
Yeah, I think you were just you were just not there.
Yeah, I probably won't go if it's raining.
Yeah, I don't think we didn't want to go either, but it's because we had a briefing or like
something like that for our placement.
It was on Zoom, but we were like, okay, why don't we just go to uni and do it and then
perhaps get some free stuff as well and get our student card as well.
Oh, maybe I'm working.
Yeah, I don't think we even asked you though.
Yeah.
That's even sadder.
We're always busy.
I don't think we asked at all.
Yeah.
Well, not anymore when placement started.
I got a bit more time maybe.
Yeah, I don't think we hung it.
Whatever.
It's okay.
That's what I'm doing.
But do you aware that you are criticizing yourself at that time?
Yeah, I know.
I think it's not about the action itself.
It's more about because I'm very cheap.
I'm just like, oh, how can you lose something?
Like you can lose anything else.
It's so much better.
Lose your go-kart, like lose everything else, but not your something more battleable.
But do you enjoy that process of self-criticism?
No.
Who enjoys it?
Then just like what, I'm wondering why you allow yourself to keep going on or you just
don't know how to pull out?
I didn't allow myself.
It's like sometimes it's just hard to pull out.
But to a certain point, I did pull myself out.
How so?
Just thinking it's okay.
Just get a new one.
No, I was thinking, okay, I cannot get a new one.
I'm just going to live without earphones.
So you're punishing yourself.
But it's okay.
Like I can get like a cheap one.
Like it's okay.
Okay.
Like I can still live with it as long as I'm like, honestly, I didn't need it because well,
you don't need to listen to music when you're out.
You don't need that.
But you can.
Yes, you can.
So it's already not a punishment.
I'm still listening to music.
I have earphones.
But then now it doesn't matter.
My phone doesn't have earphones.
I told you, right?
Yeah.
I brought earphones.
I thought I was so smart.
I brought my earphones out because my buds were not working.
They weren't charged.
Yeah.
And I brought it out.
I said, oh, there's nothing to attach them.
Yeah.
That's so funny though.
So what do you do with that even?
You can't use it anymore.
No, I can still use it on Mac.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I can still use it when I forget to charge my buds.
But I'm not doing that.
Yeah.
So you do actively try to get out of it.
Yeah.
So like I would talk to friends.
I just put my mind out of there, not thinking about this incident.
So yeah, it just takes, sometimes it takes time to get over it.
Not get over it, but to process it.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Do you have any feelings that comes to mind?
Well, that's a very recent one that I failed my driving test.
And that's how we see this topic today.
Because I'm so ready in Queensland, we need to call it a hundred hours if you're under
25 and a hundred hours is a lot and it takes a lot of time and lessons to accumulate to
that.
But I think that's a need for it because once you reach a hundred hours means that you are
capable of driving most of the time.
So my instructor and even myself feels like I'm already ready.
I feel I'm confident.
I can have like chat with the driving instructor while I'm driving.
It's not like I'm scared and cautious.
Well, I'm cautious, but like anxious all the time.
So on the exam, the first time I failed and as you said, you know, my parent, my mom and
my sister failed to the first time, so it's okay.
But I think what makes it hard is I failed in the first minute of the test, but I was
so scared that my brain just freeze and the examiner asked me to turn left at the light.
I was on the right lane trying to turn left.
So of course the examiner stopped me and say, well, he didn't say head back, but I know
we are heading back.
And I was like really sad.
And as what you said to me, my instructor told me as well saying, well, it's an unfortunate
fail.
You know, it's the brain freeze for sure.
It's okay.
We can take it again, but it's just being angry at myself.
One that I failed, but the second half is why am I being so harsh on myself?
I know what everyone is telling me.
It's just a brain freeze.
You know, you're scared.
It's the first time that's okay.
I keep telling myself that as well.
And you know, like comparison with family members for saying my sister and my mom failed
the first time.
It's not just your family members, a lot of other people do fail on their first try as
well.
Yeah.
And I, the instructor said, why?
I think you're being very hard on yourself.
And I just like burst into tears and like, and he probably think I'm sad because I failed
the test, but I think that's a combination of sad plus that's what I needed to hear that
I've always been so hard on myself.
And I'm just angry because I failed plus I'm angry why I need to hit myself, stay in this
uncomfortable moment of blaming myself.
I think that's leads to the burst into tears moment.
Yeah.
I think that's my recent fail.
Yeah.
So it's more about the recognizing that, oh, you are actually very hard on yourself.
You have a lot of expectations of yourself and you're asking yourself, why are you like
this?
Yes.
And that's why you burst into tears more about that.
Yes.
Partially about failing the test as well, but it's more about the reflection that you were
doing.
Yeah.
I think it's, as we said, a lot of time awareness, sometimes having that awareness is good, but
I think at this time I'm having the awareness that make me add an extra layer on.
Yes.
Why I am doing this?
Like, why can't I have more self-compassion to myself?
And of course there's extra steps that I can do to fight over that.
But I think at that moment is I have the awareness, but I also maybe don't have the mental capacity
to do the next step can be fighting over myself criticism for say, how can I make this mistake
in I can instead turn into, well, now I know that I failed this test because I beat myself
up.
I was too anxious.
Maybe next time before the test, I can do something to calm myself down either talking
to someone or just like doing deep breathing or just keep telling myself, just drive as
normal as what I normally do in a lesson.
But again, I think self-compassion is very important.
All these things just happened in the first two hours of I failed the test.
So it's actually normal.
And so as your experience in that earphone that we might need some time to process it.
And that's part of awareness as well.
I don't know if you do, but when I was like crying, I do tell myself it's okay that I
feel this way because it's still very fresh to me.
Give yourself some time.
If it's still last for two, three days, then maybe seek help.
I wouldn't, but like do something else.
But at this moment, just give yourself some time.
I would say.
Yeah.
Actually that's a very good summary of how we can pull ourselves back from the self criticism
that we tend to go to.
But I think at the same time, like when you were trying, when you were saying, oh, like
how I can do better next time, how I can improve next time.
And I think there's a lot of belief, at least I felt that way, that there's, it's always,
it's never good enough.
We have to improve.
We have to keep improving whether if it's a good or bad thing that happened, we have
to continuously improving it.
And sometimes I was just reflecting on it.
Yeah.
Like just now it's okay for an experience just to be an experience.
You don't always have to improve on it.
Yeah.
Which is again, easy to set them down, but it's a very good approach to it as well.
Yeah.
To certain things.
Yeah.
And I think it goes back to like, why are we so harsh on ourselves?
I think we want to, I think as human beings, we want to keep improving.
We know we can, we feel like we can do better.
That's why we want to improve, keep improving and do better.
And I think self criticism is not negative, but sometimes it can be positive that push
you to learn and grow.
But I think they can go into counterproductive in going down to that spiral and or like down
in that rabbit hole and go to like opposite pathway.
Yeah.
For sure.
So it's like a nice summary of what we talked today, how to be not so hard on yourself is
again, very cliche self, self-compassion, but I think it's very important and having
that awareness of noticing you doing this, but also allowing yourself to do that, giving
yourself that space and observing how painful it is that you go down that spiral, but also
letting yourself know to fight back or talk back to yourself.
That is only a short period of time that you will get out of it.
Yeah.
Is there something else that you want to add?
Yeah.
I think again, awareness is something that we continuously talk about.
Just something to add on to that is also what we keep talking about is the balance between
the two, your high standards for yourself and low standards of yourself and setting
a realistic one.
Yeah.
That you're able to achieve, it's not a constant thinking of, oh, I have to improve, I have
to do better, but it's just setting a realistic one that it's not so overwhelming that you
cannot achieve it.
And sometimes people, I don't know, I'm just projecting my thoughts to general people.
Okay.
But sometimes I was scared of self-compassion because I'm like, I'm allowing myself to slack
off that I'm not doing good enough, that I'm not.
If I give myself self-compassion, then I'm lowering my standard.
But I think that's the opposite.
I think there's research showing that it's actually makes you more productive and better
performance.
But I think that's my, sometimes my thought goes to self-compassion is I'm scared of giving
myself permission for that self-compassion.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
And again, the awareness can, you can increase your awareness by actually having this conversation
with another person or with yourself.
Yes.
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No, no, it's really pretty.
Honestly, it's pretty.
But I do appreciate you giving me that space to be creative.
That's today's appreciation to you.
But anyway, well, I hope you all have a great week ahead and we'll see you guys next Wednesday
at 4am EST.
Thank you for sticking around and we will see you next week.
Bye!