1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,920 Welcome to our podcast, The Why in the 20s. 2 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:09,920 My name is Viv. 3 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:10,920 And I'm Nat. 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:16,520 We are two counselors in our mid-20s navigating our adulthood away from our home country, exploring 5 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:22,880 the why questions we encounter relating to relationships, identities, and uncertainties. 6 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:27,840 So whether you're listening to our podcast while going for your walk or doing your chores, 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:38,160 welcome on board and let the journey begin. 8 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:41,040 Welcome back to another episode, The Why in your 20s. 9 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,040 Yay! 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:43,040 Yay! 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,480 I heard that you have exciting news to share with us, Nat. 12 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,480 Yes. 13 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:54,440 It's very different from last week because last week we, I mentioned I failed my driving 14 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,680 test and I immediately booked another one. 15 00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:58,680 And I passed! 16 00:00:58,680 --> 00:00:59,680 Yeah! 17 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:06,360 It's like the flip side of last week, but it really matched with what we are talking 18 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,360 today. 19 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,520 That is very true. 20 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:13,600 I think we think of this topic because of my current experience of failing my driving 21 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:14,600 test. 22 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,120 Yeah, mainly you thought of this topic. 23 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:17,120 Yeah. 24 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,560 And obviously, you know, when I'm sad and I start rambling and ruminating. 25 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:25,480 And then I think during the midnight of that day, I failed my test. 26 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:30,880 I opened the Google drive where we have all the potential topics that we will talk. 27 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:36,520 And I just keep typing on like potential topics that we can talk. 28 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,600 And I think it's the good side of it. 29 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:43,080 Like, even though I have bad experience, at least I have some inspirations. 30 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,080 That is very true. 31 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,080 Yeah. 32 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,080 I'm glad you experienced that. 33 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,040 I'm not sure if I just said that. 34 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,360 I'm not glad you experienced that. 35 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,560 I'm very happy that you were able to pass your test. 36 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,560 Yeah, thank you. 37 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,120 I'm very glad that you. 38 00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,120 Yeah. 39 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,640 So it really connects to what we're talking about today. 40 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,800 And today's topic is why am I so harsh on myself? 41 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:11,040 And sometimes I think we as human beings or as ourselves, we are very harsh on ourselves. 42 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,040 Yeah. 43 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,360 Especially ourselves, not on other people, but ourselves. 44 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:15,480 Do you think that way? 45 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,640 I think so. 46 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:21,000 I don't know if it's my personality or I think that's like a bite. 47 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:27,240 It's like a cognitive bias that we tend to focus more on the negative events more than 48 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,040 the positive. 49 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:32,240 And I think that's how I think as well. 50 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:37,000 Even though I have experienced positive and negative things, I still feel the negative 51 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,320 event is more significant. 52 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:39,320 Oh, yeah. 53 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,320 Okay. 54 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:46,920 But I think it's like a combination of negative bias and also how you manage your thoughts 55 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:47,920 and feelings. 56 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:48,920 Yeah, that's true. 57 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:56,280 And it's hard to think of the things that like the positive sides. 58 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,120 Can you think of one at the moment? 59 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:03,800 Like what is one of your proudest moments in your life or maybe recently, depending 60 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,120 on what comes to you first? 61 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,680 I think that's what makes it interesting because I can think a lot of failures, but 62 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,720 I think it's a struggle for me to think of a proud moment. 63 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:19,800 And if you really need to ask me, and I think that's maybe years ago, but not any recent 64 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,120 memories. 65 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:26,080 I think one of the most significant proud moments I can think of is when I was in high 66 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:30,760 school and I was doing a, it's like a singing contest with the class and then we got the 67 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:31,920 first place. 68 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:37,720 I think because I've put so much effort in it and it's been a roller coaster journey 69 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,120 planning and executing that performance. 70 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:45,160 It's just when we got the first place, it's like, oh my gosh, it's not like I recognise 71 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:50,920 all the effort that me and my friends put it in, but I'm also very proud that I can 72 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,080 actually do it. 73 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,080 Yeah. 74 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:57,080 And I think when I was thinking of other proud moments, I can think of, you know, I got this 75 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:03,880 job or I get into this role, but then it's not really that proud because I feel like 76 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,400 that's what I need to do. 77 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,000 It's part of my responsibility. 78 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,880 So I think that's part of being harsh on myself. 79 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:16,640 I'm saying I won't recognise that as a proud success moment, but more my responsibility, 80 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,440 if that makes sense. 81 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:19,440 Yeah. 82 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,920 What did you do when you felt proud? 83 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,720 Like, did you want to share with someone or did you want to celebrate or like what kind 84 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,520 of thing did you want to do when you felt very proud of yourself for achieving something 85 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,960 that's well, it's obviously something that matters to you. 86 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:38,520 I think I'm proud just not for myself, but like the whole class is just purely happiness 87 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,520 at that moment. 88 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:44,320 And of course, now I look back, I don't dare to rewatch the video, but it's just, no, 89 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,040 I remember clearly how happy I even cry. 90 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:49,720 It's like very touching moment. 91 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:50,720 Touching moment. 92 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,720 Yes. 93 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:52,720 Yeah. 94 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,680 Similar when I, for me personally, when I grew up, my grades weren't great. 95 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,600 It was very, it's not that it's not great. 96 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,600 It's very poor. 97 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:06,240 It's very poor and I barely passed. 98 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:10,280 So it's really not my Asian way of thinking that it's average. 99 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,280 It's actually very below average. 100 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:15,280 And it's okay. 101 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:21,960 I think I just didn't have that ability to achieve what everyone else was achieving. 102 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:28,000 But when I actually, the proudest moment, I think for recently is that I was actually 103 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:34,960 able to maintain my grade for my master's degree. 104 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,240 And I didn't expect that I could do it. 105 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,880 I expected, for example, the first semester I got 6.5, yay. 106 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,720 And then I was like, oh, it's just lucky. 107 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:48,160 And I think that goes back to the, like, I'm being very harsh on myself, but I felt like 108 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,200 everyone got it. 109 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,480 So then it doesn't matter anyways, especially his master's degree. 110 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,520 No one cares about the grades. 111 00:05:54,520 --> 00:06:00,120 But then I think I was very proud because I was able to maintain that, maintain that 112 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,160 grade throughout the two years. 113 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:08,680 And it was like a roller coaster kind of thing because I got a few bad grades in my last 114 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:14,240 semester and I tried really, really hard to pull it back up in the last assignments. 115 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,840 So yeah, I was pretty proud about that. 116 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,920 And how do you feel that proud? 117 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,120 Is it happiness or? 118 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:29,640 I think it's more about I put in the effort and it reaped like my seeds that were, that 119 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,560 I put in, it actually reaped. 120 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,320 It made something out of it. 121 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,320 I like that. 122 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,320 Another analogy. 123 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,320 I love it. 124 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,320 It's actually pretty easy to draw too. 125 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,960 You just have to draw like a little seed and it reaps. 126 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:43,960 Yeah. 127 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,560 Well, that's the analogy for this episode. 128 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:47,560 You're welcome. 129 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:52,880 Did your parents congratulate you like when you did your singing contest, when you were 130 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,280 done with your singing contest and got the first place? 131 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,040 Well, I'm a quite rebellious kid. 132 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,640 So it's teenager years. 133 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,840 I barely talk to my parents. 134 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:06,560 So I didn't even tell them in person that I got first place. 135 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:11,960 Oh, and because, and I'm not here like blaming my parents or anything. 136 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:16,200 And I'm sure they want the best out of me as every parents will do. 137 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:22,320 They do want me to focus on academic because it's closer to the public exam. 138 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:29,940 And I do spend a lot of time preparing for that singing contest, even during exam period. 139 00:07:29,940 --> 00:07:37,000 So I think internally, I would assume, assumed my parents won't be happy for me because that's 140 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,260 not what they want me to focus on, which I get it. 141 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:44,920 And I wish I focused more on study at that time, now thinking back. 142 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,480 But yes, I don't think they congratulate me for it. 143 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,480 Yeah. 144 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:51,480 What about other stuff? 145 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:55,360 Like today in general, reward you on certain things? 146 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:01,600 I think I'm the same as a lot of Asian parents or like parents in general. 147 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,520 I shouldn't categorize that. 148 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,760 You need to earn your reward. 149 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,880 Like it's doing good is not enough. 150 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:13,320 You need to be work hard, earn the achievement. 151 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,640 Then there's a reward. 152 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,920 Like when I was a kid, you know, they have dictation. 153 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:24,040 I will get those tiny toys if I get five full marks in a row. 154 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,280 So you can't just simply get the toy. 155 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,280 You need to earn it. 156 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,480 You need to at least do something, do some household chores or like help your parents 157 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,520 or even at school, you have like stickers book. 158 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,200 So you need to get five stickers in a row to get a prize. 159 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:43,440 So I think that's what we grew up learning is you need to earn the reward, but punishment 160 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,920 is very easy. 161 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,240 You did one thing wrong and you're out. 162 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:51,440 Like punishment is on the way. 163 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,520 You agree with this or it's different from your parents or your school? 164 00:08:55,520 --> 00:09:00,640 I agree as very stereotypical Asian parents and even other parents. 165 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,640 Yeah. 166 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:06,640 But for me, I think sometimes I feel that way, but sometimes it's not like that. 167 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,560 For example, previously I did not feel that way. 168 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,920 I felt like just good enough is okay. 169 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:12,920 Yeah. 170 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,560 I don't have to, let's focus on grades for now. 171 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,320 I don't have to get the highest grade to earn my parents' love. 172 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:25,600 But when I got the high mark in my masters, the reaction that they gave me felt like- 173 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,160 It means the whole world. 174 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,400 Yes, to them. 175 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:34,880 And it just felt, I was happy still, but at the same time you feel that, oh, it's only 176 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,080 when I get that grade, then they will be so happy. 177 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,160 They will be so proud of it. 178 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,760 And they were just waiting for that moment. 179 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:48,880 Is there some moment that you wish they had the same feeling of proud, but you didn't 180 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:49,880 get it? 181 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:50,880 Yeah, that's the thing. 182 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:56,640 I think my parents are not very stereotypical Asian parents where they reward me for other 183 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:57,640 stuff as well. 184 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,260 It's not only academics. 185 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:03,440 Maybe because I wasn't very academically gifted. 186 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:10,720 But for example, I had a lot of extracurriculars, like basketball, chess, just different things 187 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,480 in general, but piano and all that. 188 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,240 So I don't think I had to do those things to get a reward. 189 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,720 I felt like even if I don't do it, it's okay. 190 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,280 It's just I need to give them a reason, like a good enough reason. 191 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,680 You can't just say, oh, it's too hard and I give up. 192 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,080 That's not a good enough reason, I would say. 193 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,360 But it's more like I've tried it, it doesn't work. 194 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,360 And then I give up. 195 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,200 Then perhaps that's a good enough reason. 196 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:43,160 I think it's interesting because sometimes we learn through people's reaction as well. 197 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:48,880 And I think for your master results, that the reaction that they give it to you might 198 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:55,320 subconsciously wire some thoughts that you have that you feel like academic is linked 199 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,760 to parents' love. 200 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,680 For example, but not in your case, but for some people. 201 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,840 I think definitely. 202 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:10,040 And I don't think even when I got a bad mark or did something not horrible, but like a 203 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:15,720 kid would do like breaking your toys or breaking someone else's toys. 204 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:19,200 I don't think they criticized me on that. 205 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,880 Did they criticize you? 206 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,280 Well, yes, I definitely remember. 207 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,920 And again, I'm not here. 208 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:29,440 I think it's a very important mindset when we are talking about parenting. 209 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,720 That's no perfect parenting. 210 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:36,280 There's only good enough parenting and as I said, parents try to do their best and give 211 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,920 the best for us. 212 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:43,040 And also there's negative bias we mentioned in the beginning where we focus on the negative 213 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,160 more than the positive. 214 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:49,200 So it's actually quite normal if you have more negative memories than positive. 215 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:53,240 But yes, I do remember it's like a lot. 216 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,280 I'm not blaming my parents. 217 00:11:55,280 --> 00:12:02,160 We're mainly discussing about the impact of it and they are both positive and negative. 218 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:07,400 I think for this episode, because of the phrasing of the question, we do focus on the negative 219 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:08,400 side. 220 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:12,480 There are a lot of positive things that my parents have taught me and I'm sure they have 221 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,480 taught you as well. 222 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:17,040 It's just for this episode that we're focusing more on the negative side. 223 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,680 Yeah, that's a good reminder. 224 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:19,680 Okay. 225 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,800 Going back to the question, did they criticize me? 226 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:27,200 I think I remember one time I got the exam paper. 227 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,760 I think it's liberal studies. 228 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:36,840 It's not called liberal studies, but like it's a subject around news and everyday life. 229 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:37,840 Social studies? 230 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,840 Social studies? 231 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,040 Yeah, something like that. 232 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,240 It's not science or like, don't know how to explain. 233 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,240 Anyway, what subject doesn't matter. 234 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,360 What's more important is the story. 235 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,360 So I got 95, I think. 236 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:53,080 Oh, which is pretty good. 237 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,080 Out of 100? 238 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,080 Yeah, yeah. 239 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,080 I was like quite happy. 240 00:12:56,080 --> 00:13:01,160 I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy on my marks as well because my study is actually 241 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,640 quite average as well. 242 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:07,640 So I went home, I give it to my mom and she's at first, she's like happy. 243 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:12,880 Like you can see she's not like angry face or like stressed face. 244 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,960 And then she's like, I taught you this before, the exact same question. 245 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,520 How do you get it wrong? 246 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,000 And I don't think she is trying to scold me or anything, just pointing it out. 247 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:29,400 But I'm just really scared and sad on, or why don't you focus on the 95% that I got 248 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,760 it right instead of that 5% that I got it wrong. 249 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:37,760 Yes, I think that's one of the most remarkable memory that I have. 250 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:42,760 So it's like even getting a 95%, she kind of displayed like some kind of disappointment 251 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,080 in that one question that you could have gotten it right. 252 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,200 Yeah, you could have got 100. 253 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,200 You could do better. 254 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,480 Yeah, and you then learn from your mistake. 255 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:57,320 Yeah, I think that's, it's not, I would say that's a criticism, but yeah, I think in general 256 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:03,000 how I've been brought up is there's more criticism than praise because as I said, praise equals 257 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:07,240 to your responsibility in doing good. 258 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,920 That is not a good thing to praise, it's what you need to do. 259 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:11,920 Right, right, right. 260 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,000 And when you did it wrong, that's criticism. 261 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:21,360 So I would say that's more criticism than praise growing up, even at school. 262 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,360 Yeah. 263 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,120 Well, like when they criticize you, when you do something like quote unquote bad in their 264 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,520 eyes, like what kind of punishment do you usually get? 265 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:36,160 I think in our generation, like hitting is still considered an acceptable punishment. 266 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,160 Yeah. 267 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,400 It's not really acceptable now, but back then it was, right? 268 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,000 I think hitting that's a must. 269 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,680 But I think it changed growing up when I was in teenagers, they don't hit me and my sister 270 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,680 anymore. 271 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:53,840 But yeah, I think there's a change when I was young, of course, it's like verbally scolding 272 00:14:53,840 --> 00:15:00,360 us to getting older, you kind of see disappointment on their face. 273 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:04,480 They don't even need to voice it out, you can already sense it. 274 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,480 I think that's a change in that. 275 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:07,480 What about you? 276 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,240 How will your parents criticize you? 277 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:17,400 I think when I was younger, it's very hard to think of like a moment they criticized 278 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,600 me, but punishment definitely. 279 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:25,400 I can't think of a specific incident, but what they usually do is that they also hit 280 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:30,600 us, but less on me because I was the younger one and they realized, they knew it didn't 281 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,360 work on my sister. 282 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,200 And I truly believe they don't want to hit us because they're parents and it hurts them 283 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,200 as well. 284 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,200 Yeah. 285 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:40,200 They don't actually have to hit us. 286 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,640 I think the fear of getting hit is worse than getting hit. 287 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:48,320 For example, when my dad brings the skai mo so. 288 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:49,320 We call it hantiu. 289 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,320 I don't know the English. 290 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,320 It's like a stick. 291 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:56,320 Let's just imagine it's similar to a clove hanger. 292 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,320 Yeah. 293 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,320 Okay. 294 00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,840 Like for example, a clove hanger or something to hit with. 295 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:06,120 My dad just has to take out that thing and then hit it against the wall. 296 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,120 I know. 297 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,480 Oh, the flashback. 298 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,800 I'm so sad that we have to bond over this. 299 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:18,040 Like that noise, it only creates enough fear that we stop whatever that we're doing. 300 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,040 Yeah. 301 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,040 I agree. 302 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,040 It's like this, doesn't have to hit the wall. 303 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,040 It's just like the wind sound. 304 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,040 The wind sound. 305 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,040 Like, woo, woo. 306 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,040 Yeah. 307 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,040 Oh God. 308 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,040 Yeah. 309 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:33,880 I think just that fear of getting hit, it actually, I think that was the punishment 310 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,200 itself already. 311 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,520 And they don't, they didn't have to hit us. 312 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:42,240 I think when I got hit once or twice in my life, eventually they didn't have to do that. 313 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,800 It's just more about creating that fear. 314 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,080 I don't think they, that was their motivation. 315 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,120 Their motivation is to put us in the right path. 316 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,840 I think at that time, that's how they knew how to do it. 317 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,840 And that's what their parents do as well. 318 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:56,840 I'm assuming. 319 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,920 I'm assuming their parents did that as well. 320 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,200 Cause it's even more acceptable in their generation. 321 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,200 Yeah. 322 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:08,520 But then what, if they criticize me by words, I wouldn't say that much. 323 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:14,160 Or maybe it's just so like, if your parents criticize me, I would consider that as very, 324 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:18,920 a very big thing that I think I would just try to forget it. 325 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:19,920 Yeah. 326 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:24,080 Cause I think it's just very hurtful if it's coming from your parents, coming from someone 327 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,920 you, someone you love. 328 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:26,920 Yeah. 329 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,640 I think it's definitely what you said is true. 330 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:36,320 And I do realize, you know, when you're young and your parents criticize you and you're 331 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,000 sad and because that's what you learned when you're growing up. 332 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:44,920 So when you, I can just say on my behalf that when I reached teenage years, it's already 333 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:52,720 wired strongly in my mind that when my parents do the opposite, it's actually a punishment 334 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:53,720 to me. 335 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,880 What it really means for say, I didn't do well in the subjects and they say, well, you 336 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,760 really try your best, that's okay. 337 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,080 And I can, I see that as a disappointment. 338 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:07,400 I see that as a criticism on myself. 339 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:15,140 And it's so interesting to see how your upbringing can change how you believe now. 340 00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:19,280 So when I grew up, when I was like in teenage, they no longer hit me. 341 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,000 They no longer scold me. 342 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,880 Well, sometimes still do if I did something wrong, but like, if I'm focusing more on the 343 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:30,640 academic side, I think even they do praise me. 344 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,000 I can internalize it as criticism. 345 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,000 Oh, wow. 346 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,000 Yeah. 347 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:40,760 Can you think of a specific incident that they praised you and you internalize it as 348 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,720 a criticism? 349 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:50,160 I think maybe I don't really remember the exact wordings, but maybe it's just for say, 350 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:54,320 it's okay if you didn't pass the public exam. 351 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:59,600 I don't know if it's like family genetics, but we are not really good in Chinese. 352 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,600 That's what I want to believe. 353 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,600 Okay. 354 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:02,600 Sure. 355 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:03,600 It's our genes. 356 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:04,600 It's our inner genes. 357 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,600 Yeah. 358 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,680 And then because if you fail the Chinese, then you cannot get into better uni in Hong 359 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,680 Kong. 360 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,560 So they say, oh, you can go overseas. 361 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,480 And it's just like a statement. 362 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,160 There's no positive. 363 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,160 There's no negative. 364 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:22,400 Am I that bad? 365 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,400 You know, go on that spiral. 366 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,640 I used to be good in academics. 367 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,640 Now this always go downhill. 368 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,040 And partially because at that time, my mental health is not that great. 369 00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:38,000 Plus the things that I learned when I was young and that self criticism goes into me 370 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,000 at that moment. 371 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,000 Yeah. 372 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:46,320 I think also like when they said it, it feels like, I don't know if that's the intention, 373 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,560 but it almost feels like they expected you to fail. 374 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:50,560 Yeah. 375 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:51,560 Yeah. 376 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:56,200 No, it's like track. 377 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,840 I didn't tell them I failed my driving test. 378 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:04,080 And I got a message yesterday saying, when did you reschedule your test? 379 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,800 And I'm like, how do you know I failed my driving test? 380 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:12,120 Do you just assume that I would fail for the first time? 381 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,720 So I asked that I was like, why do you think I failed? 382 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,280 And then my dad said, well, you didn't let us know the results. 383 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,480 So I just assumed you fail. 384 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,680 I think fair assumption to be honest. 385 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:23,680 Yes. 386 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,200 It's not a negative assumption. 387 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:31,080 I think it's just an assumption because if you don't share it, it must be a bad news. 388 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,440 That's the thought that I have after I calm myself down. 389 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:38,280 At that moment I'm like, do you look like I failed? 390 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,840 Do I look like I'm someone that bad at driving or I didn't work hard enough? 391 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,840 But yes, that's just the first thought that I go to. 392 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,640 That explains this topic that we're talking today. 393 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:56,520 But also like failing your driver's test, it wasn't because you weren't trying hard 394 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,520 enough. 395 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,520 It's more about the nerves. 396 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,160 Well, we can talk about that later. 397 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,720 And it's okay to fail on your first try guys. 398 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,720 Yeah. 399 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,360 Does your sister have driver's license? 400 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,360 Yes. 401 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,840 Did she pass on the first try? 402 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:10,840 No. 403 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:11,840 Oh, yeah. 404 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:12,840 She also failed? 405 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:13,840 It's genetics. 406 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,840 Did your parents know that? 407 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:17,840 Yeah. 408 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:25,080 Because of my sister, she's very open in sharing her stuff, I assumed, whereas I'm not very 409 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:32,240 good at texting, which I'm still actively trying to improve, but it's very hard. 410 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,440 Anyway, she did let my parents know. 411 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,680 She let me know as well. 412 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:42,000 So maybe it's an expectation that if, you know, like comparison with my sister, if my 413 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,240 sister failed, maybe I would fail as well. 414 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:50,320 Did you compare yourself when you failed your test, did you feel like, oh, it's okay because 415 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,280 even my sister failed, like it's okay for me to fail? 416 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:58,440 I think that's one of my thoughts that is, well, my mom failed. 417 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,920 She still haven't get hers. 418 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,480 Well, my sister failed the first time. 419 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:04,480 It's okay. 420 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,320 It's okay to fail for the first time for myself as well. 421 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,360 It's one of the ways of talking myself out of that spiral. 422 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:13,360 Yeah. 423 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:18,480 Simply that thought doesn't help, like that's most of that need to pull myself out. 424 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,960 But yeah, I think sometimes I do compare with my siblings as well. 425 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:23,960 Do you? 426 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,760 Because I know you have a sister as well. 427 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:31,640 I'm throwing the ball at you. 428 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:40,160 I think, I think since young, I don't compare myself with my sister, especially with academics. 429 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:47,360 Like I never compare it or even other aspects because I feel like she's always been my role 430 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:52,560 model and she's very academically gifted, I would say. 431 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:53,560 And she likes studying. 432 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,560 People like studying, I seriously. 433 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:03,360 She likes studying and like she's on such a different level that it's so hard to compare 434 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,800 myself with her. 435 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:09,760 If I continuously compare myself with her, I would be like nothing because in comparison 436 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:13,760 she's so high up there already that I feel like there's no use in comparing. 437 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,280 Like it's too far to reach. 438 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,280 Yeah, exactly. 439 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,280 Like I always use this example. 440 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:22,160 It's like if there's Albert Einstein is right next to you, would you compare yourself with 441 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,160 him? 442 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,160 No. 443 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,160 Exactly. 444 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,920 I would not, that's the same way that I would not compare Albert Einstein. 445 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:32,000 I will not compare my sister because it's not on the same level. 446 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,400 It's why would you do that to yourself? 447 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,400 Interesting. 448 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:39,680 And then I've told my sister this and then my sister was like, no, I'm not that smart. 449 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:45,560 I feel like I'm putting her on a pedestal, but she is really that. 450 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,520 I think she is really that great. 451 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,560 But do your parents compare you to? 452 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:56,440 They don't, perhaps they do, but I think they, the way they compare is that they focus more 453 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,640 on, okay, she's very academically gifted. 454 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:02,160 She's book smart, but you're street smart. 455 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:03,160 Yeah. 456 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:08,680 Like I'm better at puzzle chess, like all that logical stuff. 457 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:13,240 I'm better at reading people's emotions, reading the room and stuff like that. 458 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,640 So they focus more, you're good at that stuff. 459 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:19,440 They don't say, oh, you're not good at academics. 460 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:24,800 I think the way you phrase it or the way you compare it is very important and it makes 461 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:25,800 a very big difference. 462 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:26,800 Yeah. 463 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:32,520 I think your parents focus more on the positive side, the strength base. 464 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,520 Strength base. 465 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:35,520 Yeah. 466 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,520 Your parents have strength base approach. 467 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,520 Yeah. 468 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:44,600 There was one specific incident where I felt like my dad was very disappointed with me. 469 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:49,360 I don't remember what was, what I did and obviously, but he was like, oh, you're just 470 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,600 like that kid. 471 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,520 And that kid, it was someone that we know is like a little brat. 472 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,320 Oh, that must be hurtful. 473 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:59,600 And then I was like, I'm so sad. 474 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,000 I was so sad at that moment. 475 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:09,080 But other than that one specific incident, not really comparing with like other kids. 476 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,080 Yeah. 477 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:15,600 I know some people experience this like comparing, oh, that kid is great at academics. 478 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,840 Why can't you be more like them kind of thing? 479 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:20,320 Have you ever experienced that with your parents? 480 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,700 Well, honestly, now I'm doubting my memory. 481 00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:24,700 And that is true. 482 00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,400 Like our memories are not a hundred percent accurate. 483 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:31,920 But I don't think my parents ever say, you're not as good as that kid, but they do say that 484 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:37,920 when you talk about other kids and you feel like it's a comparison for say, oh, you know 485 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,240 that that kid is doing blah, blah, blah. 486 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:48,280 Maybe they didn't mean to compare you with that kid, but just what they said, I can internalize 487 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,280 this. 488 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,920 Oh, are you saying I'm not good enough than that kid? 489 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:52,920 Yeah. 490 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,560 And of course, I don't think that way when I was a kid, you know, it's just what you 491 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:57,560 think in your mind. 492 00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:58,720 But now I reflect back. 493 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,920 Maybe that's what I'm thinking at that moment. 494 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:01,920 Yeah. 495 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:02,920 Yeah. 496 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:07,920 I think parents sometimes do compare siblings with each other or with other kids. 497 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:15,160 And the siblings is, I think it's a very delicate situation to handle because there might, it 498 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:21,560 brings out some sibling rivalry, which I think I see in like other families. 499 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:27,800 And I feel it's just so important to have that relationship with my sister, at least 500 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,000 for my case is very important. 501 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:36,520 Any kind of failures that I experienced, the first person I always go to is my sister. 502 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:41,120 I always share with my sister first and talk it out with her. 503 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,080 And then I will go to my parents. 504 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,240 Like it was something more important. 505 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,200 It was just like something very minimal. 506 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:52,680 Then yeah, I won't go to my parents, but then if it's more important, I feel then I will 507 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:53,680 go to my parents. 508 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:54,680 Okay. 509 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:59,200 So one thing it's, I think it's not like really a failure, failure, but at that moment, 510 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,800 I just felt very stupid. 511 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:07,920 It was when I first came to Brisbane early last year, it was very stupid. 512 00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:08,920 Okay. 513 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,640 I brought, it was orientation week. 514 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,640 So a few of us went to orientation. 515 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:16,680 It was raining that day. 516 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,080 Like I didn't have a big backpack or anything to bring my stuff there. 517 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,280 I don't know why I was just being stupid. 518 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:23,280 So yeah, it was very clumsy. 519 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:28,080 I had to bring my umbrella, my phone, like everything, like free stuff as well, getting 520 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,840 from the orientation. 521 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,720 And I brought my earphones, my earbuds. 522 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:34,720 I can see where they're coming from. 523 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:35,720 I lost it. 524 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,960 The thing is I didn't lose the whole thing. 525 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,160 I only lost the buds. 526 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:44,920 So I think the case opened in the middle and then it just fell. 527 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:46,720 So I still have the case somewhere. 528 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:47,720 Why? 529 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:48,720 I don't know. 530 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,520 I feel like it must be useful at some point. 531 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,120 Like what are my current one? 532 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,120 I don't know. 533 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,120 Anyways, I just kept it. 534 00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:56,000 You kept the earphone but lost the case. 535 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,000 No, I lost the- 536 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,000 Now I mean like just in case. 537 00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,000 Oh yeah, yeah, just in case. 538 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,360 Yeah, just in case I lose my case in the future. 539 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,720 So it was like my first week here and then I lost it. 540 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,040 I just felt so stupid. 541 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,720 It's like, you could have done that. 542 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:09,720 You could have done that. 543 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,240 You could have done better. 544 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:17,240 So I still, even though I said I would share with my sister immediately, I waited for like 545 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:25,760 a week, two weeks just to, just to, I don't feel a bit better about the whole situation. 546 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,200 And then I shared it with her and she was just so supportive. 547 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:32,680 It was like, oh, it's actually time for you to get a new one. 548 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:33,680 I love that. 549 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:39,720 And then she was like, oh, and it's going on sale because new ones are coming out. 550 00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,760 So the galaxy buds are cheaper now and stuff like that. 551 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:43,760 Yeah. 552 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:44,760 Just being very supportive. 553 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:48,040 Actually to this moment, I still have not told my parents about it. 554 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,560 What's up you? 555 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,880 At that moment, I feel like they would scold me. 556 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,560 Saying, why can't you be more careful? 557 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,520 What I did to myself is that you should have done better. 558 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:03,000 You should have checked everything before you move to another place. 559 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:08,640 So you're in that spiral for like two weeks. 560 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,840 Oh no, I was in and out from that spiral. 561 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:15,440 I can completely avoid it and then go back to it. 562 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:21,000 I think it's mainly like when I'm alone in my room, then I actively go to that spiral. 563 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:25,360 Well, that's a really funny story. 564 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,360 It's very sad. 565 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:29,360 I'm not down there orientation. 566 00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,000 Hey, no, I don't think I'll go if it's raining. 567 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:36,720 No, no, I don't think I knew you very well. 568 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,760 Oh, actually, no, you do. 569 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,960 Not very well, but you do know me. 570 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,960 Yeah, I went to your place before that. 571 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:45,960 Yeah. 572 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:46,960 I'm sad now. 573 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:51,120 Yeah, I think you were just you were just not there. 574 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,120 Yeah, I probably won't go if it's raining. 575 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:58,680 Yeah, I don't think we didn't want to go either, but it's because we had a briefing or like 576 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:01,920 something like that for our placement. 577 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,600 It was on Zoom, but we were like, okay, why don't we just go to uni and do it and then 578 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,400 perhaps get some free stuff as well and get our student card as well. 579 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:11,960 Oh, maybe I'm working. 580 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,760 Yeah, I don't think we even asked you though. 581 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:15,760 Yeah. 582 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,160 That's even sadder. 583 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,920 We're always busy. 584 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,480 I don't think we asked at all. 585 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:22,480 Yeah. 586 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:23,480 Well, not anymore when placement started. 587 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:24,480 I got a bit more time maybe. 588 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:25,480 Yeah, I don't think we hung it. 589 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:26,480 Whatever. 590 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:27,480 It's okay. 591 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:28,480 That's what I'm doing. 592 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:32,800 But do you aware that you are criticizing yourself at that time? 593 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:33,800 Yeah, I know. 594 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:36,800 I think it's not about the action itself. 595 00:30:36,800 --> 00:30:39,160 It's more about because I'm very cheap. 596 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:42,640 I'm just like, oh, how can you lose something? 597 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,680 Like you can lose anything else. 598 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:45,880 It's so much better. 599 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:51,480 Lose your go-kart, like lose everything else, but not your something more battleable. 600 00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:54,080 But do you enjoy that process of self-criticism? 601 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,080 No. 602 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:56,080 Who enjoys it? 603 00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:02,680 Then just like what, I'm wondering why you allow yourself to keep going on or you just 604 00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,320 don't know how to pull out? 605 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,760 I didn't allow myself. 606 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:09,000 It's like sometimes it's just hard to pull out. 607 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,480 But to a certain point, I did pull myself out. 608 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:12,480 How so? 609 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,320 Just thinking it's okay. 610 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:15,320 Just get a new one. 611 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:18,600 No, I was thinking, okay, I cannot get a new one. 612 00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:20,080 I'm just going to live without earphones. 613 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:21,080 So you're punishing yourself. 614 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:22,080 But it's okay. 615 00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:23,080 Like I can get like a cheap one. 616 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:24,080 Like it's okay. 617 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,080 Okay. 618 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:32,120 Like I can still live with it as long as I'm like, honestly, I didn't need it because well, 619 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:34,760 you don't need to listen to music when you're out. 620 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:35,760 You don't need that. 621 00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:36,760 But you can. 622 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:37,760 Yes, you can. 623 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:40,960 So it's already not a punishment. 624 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:42,880 I'm still listening to music. 625 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,600 I have earphones. 626 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:47,120 But then now it doesn't matter. 627 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:48,120 My phone doesn't have earphones. 628 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:49,120 I told you, right? 629 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:50,120 Yeah. 630 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:51,120 I brought earphones. 631 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:52,560 I thought I was so smart. 632 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,000 I brought my earphones out because my buds were not working. 633 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,000 They weren't charged. 634 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:58,000 Yeah. 635 00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,000 And I brought it out. 636 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,080 I said, oh, there's nothing to attach them. 637 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,080 Yeah. 638 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,940 That's so funny though. 639 00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:07,600 So what do you do with that even? 640 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:08,600 You can't use it anymore. 641 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,600 No, I can still use it on Mac. 642 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:11,600 Oh yeah. 643 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:12,600 Yeah. 644 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,240 I can still use it when I forget to charge my buds. 645 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:16,240 But I'm not doing that. 646 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:17,240 Yeah. 647 00:32:17,240 --> 00:32:19,680 So you do actively try to get out of it. 648 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:20,680 Yeah. 649 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:21,680 Yeah. 650 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:22,680 So like I would talk to friends. 651 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:27,640 I just put my mind out of there, not thinking about this incident. 652 00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:31,440 So yeah, it just takes, sometimes it takes time to get over it. 653 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,240 Not get over it, but to process it. 654 00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:34,240 Absolutely. 655 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:35,240 Yeah. 656 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,000 Do you have any feelings that comes to mind? 657 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:42,280 Well, that's a very recent one that I failed my driving test. 658 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,120 And that's how we see this topic today. 659 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:50,720 Because I'm so ready in Queensland, we need to call it a hundred hours if you're under 660 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:57,280 25 and a hundred hours is a lot and it takes a lot of time and lessons to accumulate to 661 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:58,280 that. 662 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,200 But I think that's a need for it because once you reach a hundred hours means that you are 663 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,140 capable of driving most of the time. 664 00:33:05,140 --> 00:33:09,720 So my instructor and even myself feels like I'm already ready. 665 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:11,100 I feel I'm confident. 666 00:33:11,100 --> 00:33:15,080 I can have like chat with the driving instructor while I'm driving. 667 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,520 It's not like I'm scared and cautious. 668 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:21,280 Well, I'm cautious, but like anxious all the time. 669 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:27,760 So on the exam, the first time I failed and as you said, you know, my parent, my mom and 670 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,120 my sister failed to the first time, so it's okay. 671 00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:35,560 But I think what makes it hard is I failed in the first minute of the test, but I was 672 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:42,960 so scared that my brain just freeze and the examiner asked me to turn left at the light. 673 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:46,280 I was on the right lane trying to turn left. 674 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:50,560 So of course the examiner stopped me and say, well, he didn't say head back, but I know 675 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:51,560 we are heading back. 676 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:55,120 And I was like really sad. 677 00:33:55,120 --> 00:34:00,760 And as what you said to me, my instructor told me as well saying, well, it's an unfortunate 678 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:01,760 fail. 679 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,320 You know, it's the brain freeze for sure. 680 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:06,320 It's okay. 681 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,640 We can take it again, but it's just being angry at myself. 682 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:16,800 One that I failed, but the second half is why am I being so harsh on myself? 683 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:18,760 I know what everyone is telling me. 684 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,360 It's just a brain freeze. 685 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:22,080 You know, you're scared. 686 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,760 It's the first time that's okay. 687 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,760 I keep telling myself that as well. 688 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:32,120 And you know, like comparison with family members for saying my sister and my mom failed 689 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,120 the first time. 690 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:38,000 It's not just your family members, a lot of other people do fail on their first try as 691 00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:39,000 well. 692 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,000 Yeah. 693 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,960 And I, the instructor said, why? 694 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,240 I think you're being very hard on yourself. 695 00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:50,880 And I just like burst into tears and like, and he probably think I'm sad because I failed 696 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:57,920 the test, but I think that's a combination of sad plus that's what I needed to hear that 697 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,840 I've always been so hard on myself. 698 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:07,280 And I'm just angry because I failed plus I'm angry why I need to hit myself, stay in this 699 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:11,280 uncomfortable moment of blaming myself. 700 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,440 I think that's leads to the burst into tears moment. 701 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:16,440 Yeah. 702 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,040 I think that's my recent fail. 703 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:19,040 Yeah. 704 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:24,320 So it's more about the recognizing that, oh, you are actually very hard on yourself. 705 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:30,120 You have a lot of expectations of yourself and you're asking yourself, why are you like 706 00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:31,120 this? 707 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:32,120 Yes. 708 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,600 And that's why you burst into tears more about that. 709 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:35,600 Yes. 710 00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:39,200 Partially about failing the test as well, but it's more about the reflection that you were 711 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:40,200 doing. 712 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:41,200 Yeah. 713 00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:47,200 I think it's, as we said, a lot of time awareness, sometimes having that awareness is good, but 714 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:52,520 I think at this time I'm having the awareness that make me add an extra layer on. 715 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:53,520 Yes. 716 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:54,520 Why I am doing this? 717 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:59,280 Like, why can't I have more self-compassion to myself? 718 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,800 And of course there's extra steps that I can do to fight over that. 719 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:09,160 But I think at that moment is I have the awareness, but I also maybe don't have the mental capacity 720 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:16,000 to do the next step can be fighting over myself criticism for say, how can I make this mistake 721 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:23,280 in I can instead turn into, well, now I know that I failed this test because I beat myself 722 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:24,280 up. 723 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:25,840 I was too anxious. 724 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:30,600 Maybe next time before the test, I can do something to calm myself down either talking 725 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:36,520 to someone or just like doing deep breathing or just keep telling myself, just drive as 726 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:39,560 normal as what I normally do in a lesson. 727 00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,280 But again, I think self-compassion is very important. 728 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:46,080 All these things just happened in the first two hours of I failed the test. 729 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,080 So it's actually normal. 730 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:54,440 And so as your experience in that earphone that we might need some time to process it. 731 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:56,360 And that's part of awareness as well. 732 00:36:56,360 --> 00:37:01,000 I don't know if you do, but when I was like crying, I do tell myself it's okay that I 733 00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:04,800 feel this way because it's still very fresh to me. 734 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:05,800 Give yourself some time. 735 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:12,320 If it's still last for two, three days, then maybe seek help. 736 00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:17,320 I wouldn't, but like do something else. 737 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,280 But at this moment, just give yourself some time. 738 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,280 I would say. 739 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:22,280 Yeah. 740 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:29,640 Actually that's a very good summary of how we can pull ourselves back from the self criticism 741 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:32,520 that we tend to go to. 742 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:36,320 But I think at the same time, like when you were trying, when you were saying, oh, like 743 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:39,600 how I can do better next time, how I can improve next time. 744 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:46,300 And I think there's a lot of belief, at least I felt that way, that there's, it's always, 745 00:37:46,300 --> 00:37:47,300 it's never good enough. 746 00:37:47,300 --> 00:37:48,300 We have to improve. 747 00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:53,000 We have to keep improving whether if it's a good or bad thing that happened, we have 748 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,520 to continuously improving it. 749 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:58,240 And sometimes I was just reflecting on it. 750 00:37:58,240 --> 00:37:59,240 Yeah. 751 00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:03,360 Like just now it's okay for an experience just to be an experience. 752 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:05,840 You don't always have to improve on it. 753 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:06,840 Yeah. 754 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:07,840 Yeah. 755 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:12,120 Which is again, easy to set them down, but it's a very good approach to it as well. 756 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:13,120 Yeah. 757 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:14,120 To certain things. 758 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:15,120 Yeah. 759 00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:16,120 Yeah. 760 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:17,120 And I think it goes back to like, why are we so harsh on ourselves? 761 00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:21,160 I think we want to, I think as human beings, we want to keep improving. 762 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,280 We know we can, we feel like we can do better. 763 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:26,520 That's why we want to improve, keep improving and do better. 764 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:32,840 And I think self criticism is not negative, but sometimes it can be positive that push 765 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:34,880 you to learn and grow. 766 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:42,640 But I think they can go into counterproductive in going down to that spiral and or like down 767 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:46,280 in that rabbit hole and go to like opposite pathway. 768 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:47,280 Yeah. 769 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:48,280 Yeah. 770 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:49,280 For sure. 771 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:55,280 So it's like a nice summary of what we talked today, how to be not so hard on yourself is 772 00:38:55,280 --> 00:39:01,240 again, very cliche self, self-compassion, but I think it's very important and having 773 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:08,400 that awareness of noticing you doing this, but also allowing yourself to do that, giving 774 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:15,800 yourself that space and observing how painful it is that you go down that spiral, but also 775 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,320 letting yourself know to fight back or talk back to yourself. 776 00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:23,400 That is only a short period of time that you will get out of it. 777 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:24,400 Yeah. 778 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:25,720 Is there something else that you want to add? 779 00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:26,720 Yeah. 780 00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:31,040 I think again, awareness is something that we continuously talk about. 781 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:36,120 Just something to add on to that is also what we keep talking about is the balance between 782 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:41,680 the two, your high standards for yourself and low standards of yourself and setting 783 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:42,680 a realistic one. 784 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:43,680 Yeah. 785 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:49,160 That you're able to achieve, it's not a constant thinking of, oh, I have to improve, I have 786 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:54,640 to do better, but it's just setting a realistic one that it's not so overwhelming that you 787 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:55,800 cannot achieve it. 788 00:39:55,800 --> 00:40:01,000 And sometimes people, I don't know, I'm just projecting my thoughts to general people. 789 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,000 Okay. 790 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:08,360 But sometimes I was scared of self-compassion because I'm like, I'm allowing myself to slack 791 00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:12,620 off that I'm not doing good enough, that I'm not. 792 00:40:12,620 --> 00:40:16,600 If I give myself self-compassion, then I'm lowering my standard. 793 00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:18,680 But I think that's the opposite. 794 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:24,120 I think there's research showing that it's actually makes you more productive and better 795 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,120 performance. 796 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:30,200 But I think that's my, sometimes my thought goes to self-compassion is I'm scared of giving 797 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:32,200 myself permission for that self-compassion. 798 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:33,200 Yeah, definitely. 799 00:40:33,200 --> 00:40:34,200 Yeah. 800 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:39,640 And again, the awareness can, you can increase your awareness by actually having this conversation 801 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,640 with another person or with yourself. 802 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:42,640 Yes. 803 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:50,160 So if you resonate with us, you can share this podcast with your friends, or you can 804 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:58,220 share it to your social media, or you can follow us on Instagram, the wineinyour20s.podcast. 805 00:40:58,220 --> 00:41:05,160 We will upload some information about every episode or some of our beautiful analogy that 806 00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:09,800 we might post on, well, they do not approve. 807 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:10,800 No, no, it's really pretty. 808 00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:11,800 Honestly, it's pretty. 809 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:16,520 But I do appreciate you giving me that space to be creative. 810 00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:19,360 That's today's appreciation to you. 811 00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:26,760 But anyway, well, I hope you all have a great week ahead and we'll see you guys next Wednesday 812 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:29,560 at 4am EST. 813 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:34,680 Thank you for sticking around and we will see you next week. 814 00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:47,800 Bye!