[Intro Music Plays]
Dr. Rebel: Welcome to the Rebel Daydreams Podcast, where we have the best
queer and absurd skits in the Milky Way galaxy, but not
the Virgo Supercluster.
For example, there's this one.
Dictator: In the year 70 billion, humanity was on the brink of
the verge of the precipice of the final frontier, but we
were brought low by forces of chaos.
I, the dictator divinity, I am the last hope for the
human race.
Selective breeding, genetic engineering, and other moderately racist practices brought about
me, the dictator divinity of all mankind.
I bring about the battle mallet to the forces of chaos.
It's Battle Mallet 70 Billion.
Colonel: Who are you talking to, Dictator Divinity?
Dictator: Myself, obviously.
Colonel: That was an extremely expository monologue.
Dictator: Colonel Space, to what do I owe this impertinence?
Colonel: Apologies, Dictator Divinity.
Dictator: Report on the southern flank.
Colonel: There is no southern flank in space, Dictator Divinity.
Dictator: Report on that one flank we're having problems with.
Colonel: The chaos rattlesnakes are at the space gate, dictator.
Dictator: Nuke them from orbit.
Colonel: They'll just burrow underground.
Dictator: Nuke the core of the planet.
Make the planet explode.
Colonel: Then they'll launch their spaceships.
Dictator: Nuke the entire solar system.
Colonel: Sir, yes, sir.
Dictator: Very good.
Was there anything else?
Colonel: Sir, I have a crush on someone and I don't know
how to tell them.
Dictator: What?
Why do you come to me with this?
Colonel: As the divine dictator of all humanity, I thought you would
have good advice.
Dictator: To be honest, Colonel Space, I am in the same boat.
Colonel: You?
The dictator divinity of all humankind?
Dictator: They didn't cover flirtation at dictator school.
Colonel: But you are the greatest of us all, literally engineered to
be perfect.
Who could resist your affections?
Dictator: Alas, I have no time for personal intimacy.
Colonel: Your IQ is 7,000.
Your flowing hair and luscious lips call out to us all.
Dictator: Thank you, Colonel.
Colonel: The gorgeous color of your eyes contrasts perfectly with your rich
and dark facial hair.
Dictator: Colonel Space?
Colonel: Yes, sir?
Dictator: Am I the person you have a crush on?
Colonel: Yes, sir.
Dictator: Excellent flirting, Colonel.
You were very brave telling me.
However, duty calls, and thus I, the Dictator Divinity, rejected the
advances of the one person who crushed on me, whom I
also totally had a crush on.
Humanity's HR department would not condone a relationship between myself and
anyone else due to the power imbalance.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
I also just had no time between all the important decisions
I was making.
Colonel: Dictator Divinity?
Dictator: I was monologuing.
Did you need another decision?
Colonel: Yes, I-
Dictator: Nuke them from orbit.
Colonel: We shall, Dictator Divinity, but that's not our only problem.
Dictator: Nuke whatever the other problem is from orbit.
Colonel: But Dictator, how do I nuke my own hurt feelings from orbit?
Dictator: With extreme prejudice, that's how.
Colonel: Yes, sir.
I will snuff out my emotions.
Dictator: That is the Battle Mallet way.
Dismissed.
I was alone at last.
I, the dictator divinity of all mankind, was first in tactics,
first in strategy, first in nuking problems from orbit.
But I was last, dead last, in love.
That is the grim, dark, gritty, onerous, gloomy future of Battle
Mallet 70 Billion.
Colonel: Sir?
Dictator: I'm monologuing, nuke it from-
Colonel: Yes, sir!
[Intro Music Plays]
Dr. Rebel: Yes, this is the Rebel Daydreams Podcast, where we are a
skit sweatshop.
Yes, children are working in extremely unsafe conditions to produce the
sketches that you hear today and skits.
And you should feel bad about that.
You should really feel guilty and upset.
You know, these children, many of them die in this situation,
but obviously that isn't a thing you care about, so moving on.
Today we have Cakenstein, which answers the age-old question: what if
Frankenstein's monster was made out of cake for the Is It Cake show?
Dr. Rebel: I mean, I know I think about that constantly.
Don't you?
Yes, yes you do.
That's the answer to that question.
We will round the show out with Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage.
The fanciest garbage people in the world.
And then we have two other skits that I don't know
how to describe them.
Like this next one, for example.
If you're not aware, our skits are frequently filthy, and this
one is extremely filthy, so enjoy it, you heathen.
Or if you're listening with your family or something, check the
show notes and you can skip this skit and go straight
on to the next one.
As a comedy friend of mine sometimes says, uh, nobody is
obliged to like anything, and so just check the show notes
and skip if you're not having a good time.
By the way, shout out to Dan Warren, danwarren.bandcamp.com, for providing
me with this ridiculously awesome theme music.
He does most of my music for free.
Yay!
Dr. Rebel: All right, here's the skit.
Sam: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Jake the Snake Johnson faces off against Paul the Tiger Potentop.
You'll pay for your seat, but you'll only use the edge of it.
Ben: Cut!
Great work, Sam.
Sam: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I, the voice actor Sam the Clam Smith, appreciate you, my
director.
Ben, the pen, Bennett.
My jaw is on the floor from gratitude.
Ben: Uh-huh.
All right, that's it for today.
Pack it in, everybody.
Sam: Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Sam the clam bids farewell to you, the crew professionals.
We smashed that ad into tiny pieces.
Ben: Sure, Sam.
Sam: Honey, honey, honey, I'm home!
The clam leaps into action to help his wife with dinner.
Bunny: Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, your honey the bunny is so excited to see you.
You won't believe it, but dinner is already prepared.
Sam: Oh, it's so tasty, tasty, tasty.
The bunny smashed all my expectations for this dinner into a
fine powder.
And now the clam is hungry for something else.
Bunny: Oh, let's move to the bedroom, bedroom, bedroom.
Oh, you won't last long in the ring with me.
Sam: That's right, I'm coming, coming, coming.
The clam releases a stream of liquid into the Bunny!
[Protracted Orgasmic Yelling]
Bunny: And now I'm pregnant, pregnant, pregnaaaant!
[Intro Music]
Dr. Rebel: Look, I told you it was filthy, all right?
If you're upset now, I, I don't know what to tell
you, all right?
But if instead you really enjoyed that bit, I bet you'd
like our other stuff too.
So remember to smash that MF subscribe, share, and review button.
There may not be a review button.
Look, just share this with people, please.
We work hard on it and we have a really good
time, and I want more people to have fun enjoying it.
Without further ado, a guide on how to drink water.
You didn't know you didn't know how to do this.
I'm here to save the day.
Cynthia: Wow.
That was a great jog.
You're such a wonderful workout buddy.
I worked up a sweat.
Think I could use a glass of water.
Ashley: Oh, I'm sorry, Cynthia.
We're actually out of cups right now.
They're all dirty in the dishwasher.
Cynthia: Well, that's no problem.
I can drink out of a dirty cup.
I'm pretty thirsty.
Ashley: Oh, no, that's unacceptable.
No guest of mine is going to drink out of a
dirty cup.
I'll just run the dishwasher real quick.
The dishwasher is broken.
Cynthia: Oh, I can just hand wash a cup from the dishwasher.
Ashley: Oh, let me do it.
Let me do it.
You're my guest.
Nothing but the best for you.
Cynthia: Oh, thanks.
[Glass shatters]
Ashley: Oops.
I'll clean up the broken glass later, but let's try again.
Cynthia: Wow.
Cynthia: Looks clean.
Thank you so much.
Ashley: Oh, don't.
Don't drink the tap water.
There are so many contaminants.
I have a water filter, the X96-4000LP.
It's top of the line.
Cynthia: Oh, I can't wait to try it.
I'm really thirsty.
Ashley: It's right over here.
It'll be worth the wait, I promise.
Gourmet water makes me feel so alive.
I want that for you too.
Cynthia: Well, that only took half an hour.
Ashley: Oh, it's not done yet.
Let's boil it.
That'll remove any of the remaining impurities.
Cynthia: All right, you boiled the water, so now it's ready.
Ashley: Sure, but you should wait for it to cool down.
Cynthia: Right, right.
Contestant: While it's cooling, we can talk about how to really appreciate
it.
Have you had gourmet water before?
Cynthia: No, I guess I haven't.
Ashley: When I run water through the X96-4000LP, I like to look
at the water first to admire how clear it is.
Cynthia: Wow, so clear.
Ashley: Then I like to smell the water.
Usually I can't smell anything, but if I do, I know
to run the water through the filter again.
Cynthia: I definitely can't smell anything.
Ashley: Then I gently touch the water to feel how wet it
is.
Cynthia: Oh, it's nice and cool, ready for drinking.
Ashley: Fantastic.
Now Put some of the water in your mouth, but don't
swallow.
Just feel it in there.
Oh, Cynthia, spit it out.
Spit it out.
There's a way for this water to be even more pure.
Will you go on a journey with me?
Cynthia: How could it be even more pure?
Contestant: I'll show you.
I'll show you.
[Wind howls]
Keep climbing.
If we get to Everest Peak, we can harvest the ice.
It's the Holy Grail of water sources.
Cynthia: Ugh, climbing is making me really thirsty.
Ashley: Hold on, hold on.
Cynthia: All right, we're here at the top.
Contestant: Great.
Now we just have to wait for this to melt, go
back to my apartment, run it through the water purifier, boil
it, smell it, see it, touch it, and drink it.
Cynthia: Are you sure there isn't any more pure way to enjoy
water?
Ashley: Oh, there is, there is.
Cynthia: Did we really need to go to space?
Ashley: Cynthia, the Sun produces all the elements on Earth, including oxygen
and hydrogen.
Water vapor comes from the Sun.
There can be no purer form of water.
The moisture collector is almost full.
Only one drop of water, but one drop of this stuff
is all you need.
Cynthia: And then we have to take it back to your apartment
to purify it?
Ashley: No, no, the water purifier is built in.
You don't even need to boil it.
Cynthia: I'm drinking that drop of water.
You can't stop me.
Ashley: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
It's all yours.
Cynthia: Frankly, I prefer tap water.
[pompous intro music]
Hwallace: Oh my goodness gracious.
What incredible filth that was.
Well, I, Hwallace hwimberly hwillington hwill- [coughs] - I will rescue you from
this terrible, terrible media with media that makes you smart and
clever.
All you have to do is listen passively, sit there and
let the sounds get into your ear holes, and you will
become a genius.
This upcoming show is called Cakenstein.
What if Frankenstein's monster was made out of cake?
You don't know what that would be like yet, and soon
you'll find out.
Host: Welcome to Is It Cake?
The show where expert bakers make cakes that look like common
objects.
I have your nativity scene behind me, and your job, contestants,
is to pick out what's cake.
John: I got this one.
Host: Meet your judges, Guy Fieri and Gordon Ramsay.
Gordon: I'm not happy to be here.
Cake is the lowest form of culinary art.
Guy Fieri: Open your mind, Gordon.
Flavortown, it's, it's a state of mind.
Host: Okay, now tell me, what part of the scene is cake?
You go first, Ashley.
Ashley: I think the little baby Jesus is made out of cake.
Host: Get your knife and cut that Jesus open, just in case
he's cake.
Ashley: Oh boy, I get to cut open our Lord and Savior?
Host: Chop chop.
Ashley: Aw.
Guy Fieri: Sacrifices must be made to get the flavor fill.
Host: Jesus was not made out of cake, Ashley.
He was flesh and blood.
Human being, just like us.
Can somebody come mop up the blood?
John: Oh, oh, I know, I, I know.
Host: What do you think is made out of cake, John?
John: Mother Mary.
Host: Yes, come slice open the Virgin Mother.
John: This is incredibly offensive to many people.
Host: I don't care about that, John.
All I care about Is it cake?
Try cutting her open and see.
[woman screams]
John: Ah, damn it!
Gordon Ramsay: Of course he guessed wrong.
Look at him.
Host: No, John.
Mother Mary is not cake.
What were you thinking?
John: Okay, well, you know what, wise guy?
What is cake then?
Host: Behold!
Ashley: No!
John: What?
Oh, what are you doing with that knife over there?
Hey, hey, don't hurt yourself, alright?
Host: It's me!
John: Oh God!
Host: My father, Victor Cakenstein, cobbled
me together from day-old pastries, creating
an ungodly abomination- myself.
Ashley: But you're talking to us.
You can't be cake.
Host: Cut me open more to see.
Ashley: I don't want to.
Host: Ashley, you ditzy bitch, you just chopped open Jesus.
The blood of Christ is staining our studio floor.
Someone should at least drink it.
Now get over here and cut off one of my fingers.
Ashley: Mmm.
Host: If you don't cut me, you will have killed baby Jesus
for no reason.
Ashley: Oh, okay, geez.
Host: And that's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am made out of
cake.
Black Forest, to be exact.
John: Hey, whoa, hey, what kind of ungodly creature are you, huh?
Host: That's right, folks.
Even though I yearn to be accepted as one of you,
everyone is repelled by my physical form.
Ashley: Oh, the humanity.
Host: And now there's only one thing to do.
Contestants, here is your challenge.
To win $20,000 and cure my existential ennui, Bake for me
a companion, also made out of cake.
Preferably one with lady parts, so that I can fill her
donut holes with my actual human penis, which is not cake.
John: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
But then you would like have children and shit, huh?
Ashley: Oh, your progeny would haunt us forever.
Host: All right, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like our contestants are
too horrified to get the job done.
So you know what that means.
John: No, we, we do not.
Host: It means it's time for me to beg.
I exist, damn you.
Everyone finds me repugnant, and I just want a friend.
Make one for me, please.
Please.
Ashley: No, you're disgusting.
Host: The contestants both refused to continue the competition.
I guess that's it, folks.
There's only one more thing to do before we wrap this
episode up and send everybody home.
John: Oh, thank God.
What is it?
Host: It's time for horrifying violence.
Ashley: Wait, what?
John: Oh, whoa, whoa.
That's right, cake lovers.
These bakers wish to doom me to an unending loneliness.
Well, that means I get to send them to hell.
Take this.
Guy Fieri: Oh, now that is the opposite of Flavortown.
Host: Come back next time when we find bakers who are willing
to do what needs to be done.
Now that I exist, I don't want to be here.
Ashley: Oh my God, it's cake!
It's cake!
It's caaake!
Host: If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear.
Hwallace: Well, what a disaster piece that was.
If you weren't aware, this is part of Disasterpiece Theater, where
the disaster, if you don't fully appreciate it, where the disaster
is when the disaster- look, this is a disaster.
This discussion right now that I'm having with you, it's a
disaster.
Oh my, oh my goodness, gosh, golly, wow, how embarrassing.
Anyway, I have one more disaster piece for you.
It is called Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage.
I wish I could roll my Rs.
That would be much more impressive.
Alas, I cannot.
Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage.
Here we are.
Winnifred: Oh, hello.
Good day to you, Alphonse Potentop Nobbin Bobulary Esquire the Third.
How are you?
Alphonse: And a good day to you as well, Winifred Glockenspiel, House
of Humble Betty.
Winnifred: Oh, I say, your monocle is expertly adjusted today.
Alphonse: And your petticoat is ruffled impeccably.
Winnifred: Fancy some Earl Grey this morning?
Alphonse: Indubitably.
Winnifred: Yes, oh, it's delicious, Earl Grey.
Alphonse: A perfect way to start the morning, perhaps with a Cuban
cigar if I'm feeling bold.
Winnifred: Well, are you?
Alphonse: What's that?
Winnifred: Are you feeling bold?
Alphonse: Not likely, but it's a glorious day and I am chuffed
to bits to be a garbage man this day.
Winnifred: And I'm grateful to be a garbage woman.
Alphonse: Well then, tally-ho.
Winnifred: Alphonse, I never thought of it before because we are such
friends, but you know, we are of the opposite sexes.
Alphonse: True.
Winnifred: And we don't have a chaperone on these little outings.
Alphonse: Indeed.
Perhaps my good friend Whittleshire Fawzenfitz III would serve as a
chaperone.
Winnifred: He's come into quite a bit of land, what with the
death of his great-uncle Cornelius Biddleham, Ah, our first quarry.
Alphonse: Go and nab it for us, would you?
Alphonse: With pleasure.
Winnifred: Oh my goodness, there is something quite heavy in this garbage
bag.
Alphonse: Well, don't strain yourself, my good woman.
Perhaps we can employ the old divide and conquer technique.
Winnifred: How so?
Alphonse: Open the bag and divide its contents into smaller packages.
Then throw each smaller part into our fine vehicle here.
Winnifred: Oh, very good.
Alphonse: Yes.
Winnifred: Oh my, my, there's a dead canine in this bag.
Alphonse: Oh, good heavens.
Alphonse: That's right out.
Winnifred: Oh, we certainly can't let this noble beast go into the
landfill.
Alphonse: I should say not.
Luckily, I have a shovel.
Winnifred: Oh my, its corpse is bleeding all over my petticoat.
Alphonse: Nothing a little vinegar won't fix, Winifred.
Alphonse: This is, after all, our civic duty.
Winnifred: You're right.
It's a trifle, really.
Alphonse: I must say, digging in the dirt to bury a strange
dog on my garbage collection route is not how I pictured
this morning.
Winnifred: But it's a glorious calling we have, and thank God our
skills are respected for what they're worth.
Alphonse: True, it's just quite hot.
I am beginning to perspire, and that won't do around a
lady.
Winnifred: Would you like help?
Alphonse: Ha!
Alphonse: What nonsense!
This sort of manual labor is a gentlemanly duty.
I wouldn't want your petticoat to become even bloodier.
Winnifred: Quite right, quite right.
Alphonse: My darling Winifred, I hope you do not think it too
forward, but Do you mind if I take off my coat?
Ashley: What?
Alphonse: I am not insensitive to the shocking nature of this request.
However, as I said, I am beginning to perspire.
Still, I imagine you are not accustomed to being around gentlemen
who are in their shirtsleeves.
Winnifred: Perish the thought, Alphonse!
Alphonse: As you say, as you say.
My goodness, the smell of this corpse is caustic.
Are those maggots?
Winnifred: Indeed, yes.
Although this is not the first time we've discovered maggots on
our garbage route, Alphonse.
Alphonse: Oh yes, I recall the time somebody threw away 50 kilograms
of rotting pig heads.
There were maggots all in the eyeballs.
The stench was horrible then too.
Winnifred: Buck up, my good chap.
Alphonse: Yes, yes.
One moment, my lady.
The smell, it's overtaking me.
[vomiting]
Alphonse: I do apologize for the mess, madam.
Luckily, I was able to aim the vomit into this shallow
grave here.
Winnifred: Yes, yes.
The last thing we would want is to create More filth
and waste.
Alphonse: Well, I would estimate that this hole is deep enough for
the corpse in question.
3, 2, 1.
[splat]
Oh dear, the vomit splattered onto your petticoat.
I do apologize.
Winnifred: Oh no, no, think nothing of it, my dear.
That was a good throw.
Excellent.
Why, With that athleticism, I shouldn't be surprised to see you
at the next Gainsbury-Batham Hampshire Games.
Alphonse: Winifred?
Winnifred: Yes?
Alphonse: I know this job is our civic duty.
I know that.
And indeed, I find it to be my calling.
But do you ever find yourself occasionally questioning it?
Winnifred: Whatever for, Alphonse?
Alphonse: It's just that vomiting up my Earl Grey tea onto a
maggoty dog corpse in a shallow grave I dug myself out
in the heat- well, it's not my idea of luxury.
Winnifred: It's true, there are other options available for those of means
such as ourselves.
If you change vocations, my dear Alphonse, I will change with
you so that we can still spend time together.
Alphonse: Why, that's touching, Winifred.
And I can tell you've thought about this.
What other vocations should we consider?
Winnifred: We could work, um, at the sewage treatment plant.
Alphonse: I think not.
Dictator: Pip pip and tally ho once again.
Hwallace: Well, wasn't that a masterpiece?
Or should I say disaster piece?
Anyway, if you enjoyed this disaster piece, you can show off
your good taste to your friends by sharing the episode.
Or you could subscribe to the channel.
Or you could leave us a review.
I don't understand what those last two things are.
I'm a thespian, not a content creator.
But nevertheless, simply by enjoying this media, you are better and
smarter than all of your friends.
So good work.