1 00:00:00,024 --> 00:00:01,849 [Intro Music Plays] 2 00:00:01,955 --> 00:00:04,825 Dr. Rebel: Welcome to the Rebel Daydreams Podcast, where we have the best 3 00:00:04,825 --> 00:00:09,073 queer and absurd skits in the Milky Way galaxy, but not 4 00:00:09,073 --> 00:00:10,515 the Virgo Supercluster. 5 00:00:10,852 --> 00:00:12,423 For example, there's this one. 6 00:00:15,805 --> 00:00:20,951 Dictator: In the year 70 billion, humanity was on the brink of 7 00:00:20,951 --> 00:00:25,776 the verge of the precipice of the final frontier, but we 8 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,902 were brought low by forces of chaos. 9 00:00:29,511 --> 00:00:33,680 I, the dictator divinity, I am the last hope for the 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,466 human race. 11 00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:43,705 Selective breeding, genetic engineering, and other moderately racist practices brought about 12 00:00:43,801 --> 00:00:49,142 me, the dictator divinity of all mankind. 13 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:54,900 I bring about the battle mallet to the forces of chaos. 14 00:00:55,654 --> 00:00:59,648 It's Battle Mallet 70 Billion. 15 00:01:00,642 --> 00:01:02,853 Colonel: Who are you talking to, Dictator Divinity? 16 00:01:04,312 --> 00:01:06,299 Dictator: Myself, obviously. 17 00:01:07,436 --> 00:01:10,016 Colonel: That was an extremely expository monologue. 18 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:15,176 Dictator: Colonel Space, to what do I owe this impertinence? 19 00:01:15,865 --> 00:01:17,275 Colonel: Apologies, Dictator Divinity. 20 00:01:18,189 --> 00:01:20,208 Dictator: Report on the southern flank. 21 00:01:20,352 --> 00:01:22,884 Colonel: There is no southern flank in space, Dictator Divinity. 22 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:26,505 Dictator: Report on that one flank we're having problems with. 23 00:01:27,484 --> 00:01:29,859 Colonel: The chaos rattlesnakes are at the space gate, dictator. 24 00:01:30,614 --> 00:01:32,315 Dictator: Nuke them from orbit. 25 00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:34,482 Colonel: They'll just burrow underground. 26 00:01:35,268 --> 00:01:36,777 Dictator: Nuke the core of the planet. 27 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,831 Make the planet explode. 28 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,885 Colonel: Then they'll launch their spaceships. 29 00:01:41,270 --> 00:01:43,501 Dictator: Nuke the entire solar system. 30 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:44,576 Colonel: Sir, yes, sir. 31 00:01:45,636 --> 00:01:46,871 Dictator: Very good. 32 00:01:47,289 --> 00:01:48,621 Was there anything else? 33 00:01:48,910 --> 00:01:52,280 Colonel: Sir, I have a crush on someone and I don't know 34 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:52,986 how to tell them. 35 00:01:53,403 --> 00:01:53,981 Dictator: What? 36 00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:55,715 Why do you come to me with this? 37 00:01:56,373 --> 00:01:59,889 Colonel: As the divine dictator of all humanity, I thought you would 38 00:01:59,889 --> 00:02:00,740 have good advice. 39 00:02:01,591 --> 00:02:05,991 Dictator: To be honest, Colonel Space, I am in the same boat. 40 00:02:06,633 --> 00:02:07,668 Colonel: You? 41 00:02:07,693 --> 00:02:10,230 The dictator divinity of all humankind? 42 00:02:10,759 --> 00:02:13,746 Dictator: They didn't cover flirtation at dictator school. 43 00:02:14,661 --> 00:02:17,969 Colonel: But you are the greatest of us all, literally engineered to 44 00:02:17,969 --> 00:02:18,988 be perfect. 45 00:02:19,237 --> 00:02:21,068 Who could resist your affections? 46 00:02:22,207 --> 00:02:26,119 Dictator: Alas, I have no time for personal intimacy. 47 00:02:26,793 --> 00:02:28,461 Colonel: Your IQ is 7,000. 48 00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:32,694 Your flowing hair and luscious lips call out to us all. 49 00:02:33,832 --> 00:02:34,891 Dictator: Thank you, Colonel. 50 00:02:35,292 --> 00:02:40,471 Colonel: The gorgeous color of your eyes contrasts perfectly with your rich 51 00:02:40,564 --> 00:02:42,748 and dark facial hair. 52 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:44,255 Dictator: Colonel Space? 53 00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:44,993 Colonel: Yes, sir? 54 00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:47,943 Dictator: Am I the person you have a crush on? 55 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,064 Colonel: Yes, sir. 56 00:02:49,643 --> 00:02:51,646 Dictator: Excellent flirting, Colonel. 57 00:02:52,111 --> 00:02:54,290 You were very brave telling me. 58 00:02:54,675 --> 00:03:02,047 However, duty calls, and thus I, the Dictator Divinity, rejected the 59 00:03:02,063 --> 00:03:06,454 advances of the one person who crushed on me, whom I 60 00:03:06,614 --> 00:03:09,066 also totally had a crush on. 61 00:03:09,595 --> 00:03:15,861 Humanity's HR department would not condone a relationship between myself and 62 00:03:15,989 --> 00:03:19,691 anyone else due to the power imbalance. 63 00:03:21,295 --> 00:03:24,055 Heavy is the head that wears the crown. 64 00:03:24,568 --> 00:03:30,007 I also just had no time between all the important decisions 65 00:03:30,023 --> 00:03:31,233 I was making. 66 00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,135 Colonel: Dictator Divinity? 67 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:35,445 Dictator: I was monologuing. 68 00:03:35,894 --> 00:03:37,788 Did you need another decision? 69 00:03:38,365 --> 00:03:38,975 Colonel: Yes, I- 70 00:03:39,424 --> 00:03:41,124 Dictator: Nuke them from orbit. 71 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:45,633 Colonel: We shall, Dictator Divinity, but that's not our only problem. 72 00:03:46,628 --> 00:03:49,950 Dictator: Nuke whatever the other problem is from orbit. 73 00:03:50,415 --> 00:03:56,789 Colonel: But Dictator, how do I nuke my own hurt feelings from orbit? 74 00:03:57,156 --> 00:04:00,398 Dictator: With extreme prejudice, that's how. 75 00:04:01,633 --> 00:04:02,131 Colonel: Yes, sir. 76 00:04:02,532 --> 00:04:04,025 I will snuff out my emotions. 77 00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:07,668 Dictator: That is the Battle Mallet way. 78 00:04:08,470 --> 00:04:09,610 Dismissed. 79 00:04:10,476 --> 00:04:12,017 I was alone at last. 80 00:04:12,547 --> 00:04:18,370 I, the dictator divinity of all mankind, was first in tactics, 81 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:24,274 first in strategy, first in nuking problems from orbit. 82 00:04:25,157 --> 00:04:30,451 But I was last, dead last, in love. 83 00:04:31,558 --> 00:04:38,858 That is the grim, dark, gritty, onerous, gloomy future of Battle 84 00:04:38,858 --> 00:04:41,232 Mallet 70 Billion. 85 00:04:41,938 --> 00:04:42,404 Colonel: Sir? 86 00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:46,835 Dictator: I'm monologuing, nuke it from- 87 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:47,541 Colonel: Yes, sir! 88 00:04:48,222 --> 00:04:50,610 [Intro Music Plays] 89 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:55,118 Dr. Rebel: Yes, this is the Rebel Daydreams Podcast, where we are a 90 00:04:55,245 --> 00:04:57,237 skit sweatshop. 91 00:04:58,039 --> 00:05:02,903 Yes, children are working in extremely unsafe conditions to produce the 92 00:05:03,578 --> 00:05:05,616 sketches that you hear today and skits. 93 00:05:07,189 --> 00:05:09,389 And you should feel bad about that. 94 00:05:09,437 --> 00:05:11,684 You should really feel guilty and upset. 95 00:05:12,503 --> 00:05:16,969 You know, these children, many of them die in this situation, 96 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:21,322 but obviously that isn't a thing you care about, so moving on. 97 00:05:22,061 --> 00:05:26,897 Today we have Cakenstein, which answers the age-old question: what if 98 00:05:26,897 --> 00:05:30,724 Frankenstein's monster was made out of cake for the Is It Cake show? 99 00:05:31,153 --> 00:05:33,194 Dr. Rebel: I mean, I know I think about that constantly. 100 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,178 Don't you? 101 00:05:35,619 --> 00:05:36,503 Yes, yes you do. 102 00:05:36,583 --> 00:05:37,692 That's the answer to that question. 103 00:05:37,884 --> 00:05:43,071 We will round the show out with Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage. 104 00:05:44,371 --> 00:05:47,679 The fanciest garbage people in the world. 105 00:05:48,562 --> 00:05:50,328 And then we have two other skits that I don't know 106 00:05:50,408 --> 00:05:51,371 how to describe them. 107 00:05:51,772 --> 00:05:53,346 Like this next one, for example. 108 00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:57,263 If you're not aware, our skits are frequently filthy, and this 109 00:05:57,392 --> 00:06:00,811 one is extremely filthy, so enjoy it, you heathen. 110 00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:05,098 Or if you're listening with your family or something, check the 111 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:08,293 show notes and you can skip this skit and go straight 112 00:06:08,293 --> 00:06:09,063 on to the next one. 113 00:06:10,299 --> 00:06:13,397 As a comedy friend of mine sometimes says, uh, nobody is 114 00:06:13,509 --> 00:06:17,939 obliged to like anything, and so just check the show notes 115 00:06:17,939 --> 00:06:19,977 and skip if you're not having a good time. 116 00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:27,360 By the way, shout out to Dan Warren, danwarren.bandcamp.com, for providing 117 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,517 me with this ridiculously awesome theme music. 118 00:06:32,608 --> 00:06:34,871 He does most of my music for free. 119 00:06:35,513 --> 00:06:36,445 Yay! 120 00:06:36,653 --> 00:06:38,644 Dr. Rebel: All right, here's the skit. 121 00:06:40,506 --> 00:06:42,529 Sam: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! 122 00:06:42,915 --> 00:06:48,052 Jake the Snake Johnson faces off against Paul the Tiger Potentop. 123 00:06:48,502 --> 00:06:52,259 You'll pay for your seat, but you'll only use the edge of it. 124 00:06:53,559 --> 00:06:54,057 Ben: Cut! 125 00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:55,165 Great work, Sam. 126 00:06:55,887 --> 00:06:57,525 Sam: Thank you, thank you, thank you. 127 00:06:58,055 --> 00:07:02,887 I, the voice actor Sam the Clam Smith, appreciate you, my 128 00:07:03,112 --> 00:07:03,754 director. 129 00:07:04,814 --> 00:07:06,677 Ben, the pen, Bennett. 130 00:07:07,062 --> 00:07:10,643 My jaw is on the floor from gratitude. 131 00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:12,895 Ben: Uh-huh. 132 00:07:13,469 --> 00:07:14,850 All right, that's it for today. 133 00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:15,893 Pack it in, everybody. 134 00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:18,719 Sam: Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 135 00:07:19,281 --> 00:07:23,649 Sam the clam bids farewell to you, the crew professionals. 136 00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:27,582 We smashed that ad into tiny pieces. 137 00:07:28,241 --> 00:07:29,948 Ben: Sure, Sam. 138 00:07:31,289 --> 00:07:34,286 Sam: Honey, honey, honey, I'm home! 139 00:07:35,216 --> 00:07:39,336 The clam leaps into action to help his wife with dinner. 140 00:07:40,217 --> 00:07:46,774 Bunny: Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, your honey the bunny is so excited to see you. 141 00:07:47,495 --> 00:07:52,801 You won't believe it, but dinner is already prepared. 142 00:07:53,490 --> 00:07:56,900 Sam: Oh, it's so tasty, tasty, tasty. 143 00:07:57,835 --> 00:08:03,109 The bunny smashed all my expectations for this dinner into a 144 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,328 fine powder. 145 00:08:04,954 --> 00:08:09,412 And now the clam is hungry for something else. 146 00:08:10,342 --> 00:08:14,929 Bunny: Oh, let's move to the bedroom, bedroom, bedroom. 147 00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:19,926 Oh, you won't last long in the ring with me. 148 00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:24,183 Sam: That's right, I'm coming, coming, coming. 149 00:08:24,616 --> 00:08:32,118 The clam releases a stream of liquid into the Bunny! 150 00:08:32,142 --> 00:08:40,585 [Protracted Orgasmic Yelling] 151 00:08:40,985 --> 00:08:45,344 Bunny: And now I'm pregnant, pregnant, pregnaaaant! 152 00:08:46,663 --> 00:08:48,560 [Intro Music] 153 00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:51,230 Dr. Rebel: Look, I told you it was filthy, all right? 154 00:08:51,968 --> 00:08:55,462 If you're upset now, I, I don't know what to tell 155 00:08:55,462 --> 00:08:56,830 you, all right? 156 00:08:57,322 --> 00:09:01,400 But if instead you really enjoyed that bit, I bet you'd 157 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,636 like our other stuff too. 158 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:09,540 So remember to smash that MF subscribe, share, and review button. 159 00:09:09,604 --> 00:09:12,413 There may not be a review button. 160 00:09:12,574 --> 00:09:14,548 Look, just share this with people, please. 161 00:09:15,062 --> 00:09:16,748 We work hard on it and we have a really good 162 00:09:16,748 --> 00:09:19,044 time, and I want more people to have fun enjoying it. 163 00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:23,587 Without further ado, a guide on how to drink water. 164 00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:26,104 You didn't know you didn't know how to do this. 165 00:09:26,616 --> 00:09:27,674 I'm here to save the day. 166 00:09:29,405 --> 00:09:29,878 Cynthia: Wow. 167 00:09:29,982 --> 00:09:31,345 That was a great jog. 168 00:09:31,809 --> 00:09:33,556 You're such a wonderful workout buddy. 169 00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,528 I worked up a sweat. 170 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,499 Think I could use a glass of water. 171 00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:39,294 Ashley: Oh, I'm sorry, Cynthia. 172 00:09:39,358 --> 00:09:41,057 We're actually out of cups right now. 173 00:09:41,282 --> 00:09:42,981 They're all dirty in the dishwasher. 174 00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:44,712 Cynthia: Well, that's no problem. 175 00:09:45,128 --> 00:09:46,427 I can drink out of a dirty cup. 176 00:09:46,827 --> 00:09:47,901 I'm pretty thirsty. 177 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,712 Ashley: Oh, no, that's unacceptable. 178 00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,732 No guest of mine is going to drink out of a 179 00:09:51,764 --> 00:09:52,485 dirty cup. 180 00:09:52,790 --> 00:09:54,281 I'll just run the dishwasher real quick. 181 00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:57,856 The dishwasher is broken. 182 00:09:58,577 --> 00:10:01,479 Cynthia: Oh, I can just hand wash a cup from the dishwasher. 183 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,665 Ashley: Oh, let me do it. 184 00:10:02,922 --> 00:10:03,467 Let me do it. 185 00:10:03,724 --> 00:10:04,605 You're my guest. 186 00:10:04,910 --> 00:10:06,064 Nothing but the best for you. 187 00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:07,427 Cynthia: Oh, thanks. 188 00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:08,141 [Glass shatters] 189 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:08,887 Ashley: Oops. 190 00:10:09,078 --> 00:10:13,231 I'll clean up the broken glass later, but let's try again. 191 00:10:14,866 --> 00:10:15,287 Cynthia: Wow. 192 00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:16,197 Cynthia: Looks clean. 193 00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,319 Thank you so much. 194 00:10:18,457 --> 00:10:18,858 Ashley: Oh, don't. 195 00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:20,477 Don't drink the tap water. 196 00:10:20,894 --> 00:10:22,433 There are so many contaminants. 197 00:10:22,947 --> 00:10:26,895 I have a water filter, the X96-4000LP. 198 00:10:27,216 --> 00:10:28,388 It's top of the line. 199 00:10:28,565 --> 00:10:30,668 Cynthia: Oh, I can't wait to try it. 200 00:10:30,892 --> 00:10:32,963 I'm really thirsty. 201 00:10:33,413 --> 00:10:34,055 Ashley: It's right over here. 202 00:10:34,295 --> 00:10:38,020 It'll be worth the wait, I promise. 203 00:10:38,357 --> 00:10:40,781 Gourmet water makes me feel so alive. 204 00:10:41,262 --> 00:10:42,177 I want that for you too. 205 00:10:45,034 --> 00:10:47,699 Cynthia: Well, that only took half an hour. 206 00:10:48,165 --> 00:10:49,128 Ashley: Oh, it's not done yet. 207 00:10:49,593 --> 00:10:50,235 Let's boil it. 208 00:10:50,412 --> 00:10:52,946 That'll remove any of the remaining impurities. 209 00:10:55,128 --> 00:10:58,801 Cynthia: All right, you boiled the water, so now it's ready. 210 00:10:59,379 --> 00:11:01,576 Ashley: Sure, but you should wait for it to cool down. 211 00:11:02,282 --> 00:11:03,533 Cynthia: Right, right. 212 00:11:04,608 --> 00:11:08,121 Contestant: While it's cooling, we can talk about how to really appreciate 213 00:11:08,121 --> 00:11:08,185 it. 214 00:11:08,602 --> 00:11:10,495 Have you had gourmet water before? 215 00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:13,110 Cynthia: No, I guess I haven't. 216 00:11:13,912 --> 00:11:18,499 Ashley: When I run water through the X96-4000LP, I like to look 217 00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:21,499 at the water first to admire how clear it is. 218 00:11:22,093 --> 00:11:23,892 Cynthia: Wow, so clear. 219 00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,446 Ashley: Then I like to smell the water. 220 00:11:26,992 --> 00:11:30,252 Usually I can't smell anything, but if I do, I know 221 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,099 to run the water through the filter again. 222 00:11:34,685 --> 00:11:36,837 Cynthia: I definitely can't smell anything. 223 00:11:37,512 --> 00:11:41,527 Ashley: Then I gently touch the water to feel how wet it 224 00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:41,736 is. 225 00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:45,414 Cynthia: Oh, it's nice and cool, ready for drinking. 226 00:11:46,008 --> 00:11:47,149 Ashley: Fantastic. 227 00:11:47,486 --> 00:11:49,798 Now Put some of the water in your mouth, but don't 228 00:11:49,798 --> 00:11:50,183 swallow. 229 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,526 Just feel it in there. 230 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,427 Oh, Cynthia, spit it out. 231 00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:57,502 Spit it out. 232 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,210 There's a way for this water to be even more pure. 233 00:12:01,756 --> 00:12:03,313 Will you go on a journey with me? 234 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:07,213 Cynthia: How could it be even more pure? 235 00:12:07,631 --> 00:12:08,128 Contestant: I'll show you. 236 00:12:08,433 --> 00:12:08,947 I'll show you. 237 00:12:10,427 --> 00:12:11,458 [Wind howls] 238 00:12:11,611 --> 00:12:12,558 Keep climbing. 239 00:12:13,152 --> 00:12:15,849 If we get to Everest Peak, we can harvest the ice. 240 00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:19,027 It's the Holy Grail of water sources. 241 00:12:19,412 --> 00:12:23,899 Cynthia: Ugh, climbing is making me really thirsty. 242 00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,325 Ashley: Hold on, hold on. 243 00:12:27,905 --> 00:12:31,175 Cynthia: All right, we're here at the top. 244 00:12:31,431 --> 00:12:31,752 Contestant: Great. 245 00:12:32,216 --> 00:12:34,796 Now we just have to wait for this to melt, go 246 00:12:34,861 --> 00:12:38,514 back to my apartment, run it through the water purifier, boil 247 00:12:38,563 --> 00:12:41,960 it, smell it, see it, touch it, and drink it. 248 00:12:43,114 --> 00:12:47,489 Cynthia: Are you sure there isn't any more pure way to enjoy 249 00:12:47,761 --> 00:12:48,194 water? 250 00:12:48,482 --> 00:12:49,989 Ashley: Oh, there is, there is. 251 00:12:52,507 --> 00:12:55,635 Cynthia: Did we really need to go to space? 252 00:12:56,293 --> 00:13:01,154 Ashley: Cynthia, the Sun produces all the elements on Earth, including oxygen 253 00:13:01,555 --> 00:13:02,341 and hydrogen. 254 00:13:02,854 --> 00:13:04,426 Water vapor comes from the Sun. 255 00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:07,410 There can be no purer form of water. 256 00:13:07,907 --> 00:13:10,121 The moisture collector is almost full. 257 00:13:12,399 --> 00:13:16,073 Only one drop of water, but one drop of this stuff 258 00:13:16,073 --> 00:13:17,019 is all you need. 259 00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:21,046 Cynthia: And then we have to take it back to your apartment 260 00:13:21,046 --> 00:13:22,330 to purify it? 261 00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:25,202 Ashley: No, no, the water purifier is built in. 262 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:26,839 You don't even need to boil it. 263 00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:28,668 Cynthia: I'm drinking that drop of water. 264 00:13:28,748 --> 00:13:29,711 You can't stop me. 265 00:13:29,967 --> 00:13:30,946 Ashley: Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. 266 00:13:31,074 --> 00:13:31,861 It's all yours. 267 00:13:35,166 --> 00:13:37,236 Cynthia: Frankly, I prefer tap water. 268 00:13:38,791 --> 00:13:40,346 [pompous intro music] 269 00:13:40,461 --> 00:13:42,194 Hwallace: Oh my goodness gracious. 270 00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:45,419 What incredible filth that was. 271 00:13:46,413 --> 00:13:54,104 Well, I, Hwallace hwimberly hwillington hwill- [coughs] - I will rescue you from 272 00:13:54,104 --> 00:13:58,672 this terrible, terrible media with media that makes you smart and 273 00:13:58,672 --> 00:13:59,120 clever. 274 00:14:00,098 --> 00:14:03,383 All you have to do is listen passively, sit there and 275 00:14:03,703 --> 00:14:08,847 let the sounds get into your ear holes, and you will 276 00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:11,059 become a genius. 277 00:14:12,348 --> 00:14:15,694 This upcoming show is called Cakenstein. 278 00:14:16,531 --> 00:14:19,297 What if Frankenstein's monster was made out of cake? 279 00:14:19,506 --> 00:14:24,052 You don't know what that would be like yet, and soon 280 00:14:24,052 --> 00:14:24,681 you'll find out. 281 00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:29,668 Host: Welcome to Is It Cake? 282 00:14:29,927 --> 00:14:33,208 The show where expert bakers make cakes that look like common 283 00:14:33,208 --> 00:14:33,722 objects. 284 00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:37,353 I have your nativity scene behind me, and your job, contestants, 285 00:14:37,787 --> 00:14:39,635 is to pick out what's cake. 286 00:14:40,788 --> 00:14:41,718 John: I got this one. 287 00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:47,860 Host: Meet your judges, Guy Fieri and Gordon Ramsay. 288 00:14:49,447 --> 00:14:50,666 Gordon: I'm not happy to be here. 289 00:14:51,131 --> 00:14:53,296 Cake is the lowest form of culinary art. 290 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:56,295 Guy Fieri: Open your mind, Gordon. 291 00:14:56,423 --> 00:15:00,064 Flavortown, it's, it's a state of mind. 292 00:15:00,914 --> 00:15:04,233 Host: Okay, now tell me, what part of the scene is cake? 293 00:15:04,682 --> 00:15:05,789 You go first, Ashley. 294 00:15:07,568 --> 00:15:10,935 Ashley: I think the little baby Jesus is made out of cake. 295 00:15:12,057 --> 00:15:15,872 Host: Get your knife and cut that Jesus open, just in case 296 00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:16,882 he's cake. 297 00:15:17,106 --> 00:15:20,649 Ashley: Oh boy, I get to cut open our Lord and Savior? 298 00:15:21,434 --> 00:15:22,172 Host: Chop chop. 299 00:15:22,428 --> 00:15:22,444 Ashley: Aw. 300 00:15:23,117 --> 00:15:31,982 Guy Fieri: Sacrifices must be made to get the flavor fill. 301 00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:35,845 Host: Jesus was not made out of cake, Ashley. 302 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:37,689 He was flesh and blood. 303 00:15:38,010 --> 00:15:39,919 Human being, just like us. 304 00:15:40,368 --> 00:15:43,223 Can somebody come mop up the blood? 305 00:15:43,961 --> 00:15:46,785 John: Oh, oh, I know, I, I know. 306 00:15:48,613 --> 00:15:50,908 Host: What do you think is made out of cake, John? 307 00:15:51,597 --> 00:15:52,287 John: Mother Mary. 308 00:15:53,907 --> 00:15:56,763 Host: Yes, come slice open the Virgin Mother. 309 00:15:58,078 --> 00:16:01,255 John: This is incredibly offensive to many people. 310 00:16:01,929 --> 00:16:03,276 Host: I don't care about that, John. 311 00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:07,143 All I care about Is it cake? 312 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,485 Try cutting her open and see. 313 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:10,801 [woman screams] 314 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:12,823 John: Ah, damn it! 315 00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:14,588 Gordon Ramsay: Of course he guessed wrong. 316 00:16:15,261 --> 00:16:15,663 Look at him. 317 00:16:16,529 --> 00:16:17,155 Host: No, John. 318 00:16:17,572 --> 00:16:19,096 Mother Mary is not cake. 319 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,765 What were you thinking? 320 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,706 John: Okay, well, you know what, wise guy? 321 00:16:22,947 --> 00:16:24,134 What is cake then? 322 00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:26,108 Host: Behold! 323 00:16:26,718 --> 00:16:26,814 Ashley: No! 324 00:16:27,857 --> 00:16:28,274 John: What? 325 00:16:28,819 --> 00:16:31,082 Oh, what are you doing with that knife over there? 326 00:16:31,194 --> 00:16:33,007 Hey, hey, don't hurt yourself, alright? 327 00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:35,572 Host: It's me! 328 00:16:36,614 --> 00:16:37,127 John: Oh God! 329 00:16:38,201 --> 00:16:40,882 Host: My father, Victor Cakenstein, cobbled 330 00:16:40,906 --> 00:16:43,587 me together from day-old pastries, creating 331 00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:46,360 an ungodly abomination- myself. 332 00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:48,973 Ashley: But you're talking to us. 333 00:16:49,326 --> 00:16:50,769 You can't be cake. 334 00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:53,750 Host: Cut me open more to see. 335 00:16:54,392 --> 00:16:57,357 Ashley: I don't want to. 336 00:16:58,303 --> 00:17:02,230 Host: Ashley, you ditzy bitch, you just chopped open Jesus. 337 00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,923 The blood of Christ is staining our studio floor. 338 00:17:05,549 --> 00:17:07,266 Someone should at least drink it. 339 00:17:07,619 --> 00:17:10,795 Now get over here and cut off one of my fingers. 340 00:17:11,148 --> 00:17:13,009 Ashley: Mmm. 341 00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:17,149 Host: If you don't cut me, you will have killed baby Jesus 342 00:17:17,149 --> 00:17:17,999 for no reason. 343 00:17:18,272 --> 00:17:20,582 Ashley: Oh, okay, geez. 344 00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:30,096 Host: And that's right, ladies and gentlemen, I am made out of 345 00:17:30,096 --> 00:17:30,385 cake. 346 00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:32,392 Black Forest, to be exact. 347 00:17:32,472 --> 00:17:35,956 John: Hey, whoa, hey, what kind of ungodly creature are you, huh? 348 00:17:36,904 --> 00:17:37,835 Host: That's right, folks. 349 00:17:38,429 --> 00:17:40,773 Even though I yearn to be accepted as one of you, 350 00:17:41,464 --> 00:17:43,808 everyone is repelled by my physical form. 351 00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:45,510 Ashley: Oh, the humanity. 352 00:17:46,923 --> 00:17:48,770 Host: And now there's only one thing to do. 353 00:17:49,508 --> 00:17:52,254 Contestants, here is your challenge. 354 00:17:52,543 --> 00:17:57,006 To win $20,000 and cure my existential ennui, Bake for me 355 00:17:57,278 --> 00:18:00,166 a companion, also made out of cake. 356 00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:04,546 Preferably one with lady parts, so that I can fill her 357 00:18:04,738 --> 00:18:09,904 donut holes with my actual human penis, which is not cake. 358 00:18:10,032 --> 00:18:11,412 John: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. 359 00:18:12,294 --> 00:18:14,620 But then you would like have children and shit, huh? 360 00:18:15,085 --> 00:18:18,005 Ashley: Oh, your progeny would haunt us forever. 361 00:18:18,935 --> 00:18:22,336 Host: All right, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like our contestants are 362 00:18:22,481 --> 00:18:24,518 too horrified to get the job done. 363 00:18:24,983 --> 00:18:26,459 So you know what that means. 364 00:18:27,693 --> 00:18:29,633 John: No, we, we do not. 365 00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:32,806 Host: It means it's time for me to beg. 366 00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:34,553 I exist, damn you. 367 00:18:35,210 --> 00:18:38,688 Everyone finds me repugnant, and I just want a friend. 368 00:18:39,217 --> 00:18:41,284 Make one for me, please. 369 00:18:41,797 --> 00:18:42,887 Please. 370 00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:45,451 Ashley: No, you're disgusting. 371 00:18:46,285 --> 00:18:49,058 Host: The contestants both refused to continue the competition. 372 00:18:49,635 --> 00:18:50,901 I guess that's it, folks. 373 00:18:51,253 --> 00:18:54,122 There's only one more thing to do before we wrap this 374 00:18:54,122 --> 00:18:55,965 episode up and send everybody home. 375 00:18:56,366 --> 00:18:57,922 John: Oh, thank God. 376 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:58,436 What is it? 377 00:18:59,575 --> 00:19:03,265 Host: It's time for horrifying violence. 378 00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:04,292 Ashley: Wait, what? 379 00:19:04,629 --> 00:19:05,463 John: Oh, whoa, whoa. 380 00:19:06,490 --> 00:19:07,821 That's right, cake lovers. 381 00:19:08,158 --> 00:19:11,367 These bakers wish to doom me to an unending loneliness. 382 00:19:11,864 --> 00:19:14,560 Well, that means I get to send them to hell. 383 00:19:15,217 --> 00:19:15,907 Take this. 384 00:19:19,004 --> 00:19:24,263 Guy Fieri: Oh, now that is the opposite of Flavortown. 385 00:19:28,061 --> 00:19:31,298 Host: Come back next time when we find bakers who are willing 386 00:19:31,346 --> 00:19:32,836 to do what needs to be done. 387 00:19:33,413 --> 00:19:36,009 Now that I exist, I don't want to be here. 388 00:19:36,538 --> 00:19:37,612 Ashley: Oh my God, it's cake! 389 00:19:37,836 --> 00:19:38,413 It's cake! 390 00:19:38,621 --> 00:19:39,070 It's caaake! 391 00:19:41,362 --> 00:19:44,663 Host: If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear. 392 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,797 Hwallace: Well, what a disaster piece that was. 393 00:19:53,616 --> 00:19:56,715 If you weren't aware, this is part of Disasterpiece Theater, where 394 00:19:56,715 --> 00:20:00,472 the disaster, if you don't fully appreciate it, where the disaster 395 00:20:00,472 --> 00:20:05,113 is when the disaster- look, this is a disaster. 396 00:20:05,434 --> 00:20:08,083 This discussion right now that I'm having with you, it's a 397 00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:08,709 disaster. 398 00:20:09,111 --> 00:20:13,029 Oh my, oh my goodness, gosh, golly, wow, how embarrassing. 399 00:20:13,863 --> 00:20:16,974 Anyway, I have one more disaster piece for you. 400 00:20:17,856 --> 00:20:22,138 It is called Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage. 401 00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:23,742 I wish I could roll my Rs. 402 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,859 That would be much more impressive. 403 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:27,495 Alas, I cannot. 404 00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:29,596 Pride, Prejudice, and Garbage. 405 00:20:30,702 --> 00:20:31,280 Here we are. 406 00:20:34,696 --> 00:20:35,241 Winnifred: Oh, hello. 407 00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:42,041 Good day to you, Alphonse Potentop Nobbin Bobulary Esquire the Third. 408 00:20:42,089 --> 00:20:42,650 How are you? 409 00:20:43,853 --> 00:20:49,896 Alphonse: And a good day to you as well, Winifred Glockenspiel, House 410 00:20:50,088 --> 00:20:51,194 of Humble Betty. 411 00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:56,677 Winnifred: Oh, I say, your monocle is expertly adjusted today. 412 00:20:57,158 --> 00:20:59,610 Alphonse: And your petticoat is ruffled impeccably. 413 00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:04,018 Winnifred: Fancy some Earl Grey this morning? 414 00:21:04,371 --> 00:21:05,221 Alphonse: Indubitably. 415 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:09,292 Winnifred: Yes, oh, it's delicious, Earl Grey. 416 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:14,426 Alphonse: A perfect way to start the morning, perhaps with a Cuban 417 00:21:14,426 --> 00:21:16,486 cigar if I'm feeling bold. 418 00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:18,295 Winnifred: Well, are you? 419 00:21:19,215 --> 00:21:19,957 Alphonse: What's that? 420 00:21:20,731 --> 00:21:22,441 Winnifred: Are you feeling bold? 421 00:21:22,909 --> 00:21:26,620 Alphonse: Not likely, but it's a glorious day and I am chuffed 422 00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:28,685 to bits to be a garbage man this day. 423 00:21:29,298 --> 00:21:32,639 Winnifred: And I'm grateful to be a garbage woman. 424 00:21:33,413 --> 00:21:35,108 Alphonse: Well then, tally-ho. 425 00:21:37,515 --> 00:21:43,735 Winnifred: Alphonse, I never thought of it before because we are such 426 00:21:43,831 --> 00:21:47,021 friends, but you know, we are of the opposite sexes. 427 00:21:47,518 --> 00:21:47,710 Alphonse: True. 428 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:52,952 Winnifred: And we don't have a chaperone on these little outings. 429 00:21:53,465 --> 00:21:54,026 Alphonse: Indeed. 430 00:21:54,331 --> 00:21:59,268 Perhaps my good friend Whittleshire Fawzenfitz III would serve as a 431 00:21:59,316 --> 00:22:00,374 chaperone. 432 00:22:00,438 --> 00:22:03,853 Winnifred: He's come into quite a bit of land, what with the 433 00:22:03,869 --> 00:22:10,506 death of his great-uncle Cornelius Biddleham, Ah, our first quarry. 434 00:22:11,084 --> 00:22:12,607 Alphonse: Go and nab it for us, would you? 435 00:22:13,970 --> 00:22:14,772 Alphonse: With pleasure. 436 00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:22,870 Winnifred: Oh my goodness, there is something quite heavy in this garbage 437 00:22:22,870 --> 00:22:23,223 bag. 438 00:22:23,993 --> 00:22:27,184 Alphonse: Well, don't strain yourself, my good woman. 439 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:32,268 Perhaps we can employ the old divide and conquer technique. 440 00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:33,390 Winnifred: How so? 441 00:22:34,497 --> 00:22:38,648 Alphonse: Open the bag and divide its contents into smaller packages. 442 00:22:39,242 --> 00:22:43,185 Then throw each smaller part into our fine vehicle here. 443 00:22:43,634 --> 00:22:44,628 Winnifred: Oh, very good. 444 00:22:44,692 --> 00:22:45,028 Alphonse: Yes. 445 00:22:45,237 --> 00:22:49,196 Winnifred: Oh my, my, there's a dead canine in this bag. 446 00:22:49,324 --> 00:22:50,350 Alphonse: Oh, good heavens. 447 00:22:50,447 --> 00:22:51,120 Alphonse: That's right out. 448 00:22:51,489 --> 00:22:55,031 Winnifred: Oh, we certainly can't let this noble beast go into the 449 00:22:55,031 --> 00:22:55,544 landfill. 450 00:22:56,298 --> 00:22:57,436 Alphonse: I should say not. 451 00:22:58,061 --> 00:22:59,968 Luckily, I have a shovel. 452 00:23:00,385 --> 00:23:04,569 Winnifred: Oh my, its corpse is bleeding all over my petticoat. 453 00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:08,198 Alphonse: Nothing a little vinegar won't fix, Winifred. 454 00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:10,770 Alphonse: This is, after all, our civic duty. 455 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:12,596 Winnifred: You're right. 456 00:23:13,389 --> 00:23:14,504 It's a trifle, really. 457 00:23:17,674 --> 00:23:20,893 Alphonse: I must say, digging in the dirt to bury a strange 458 00:23:20,990 --> 00:23:24,543 dog on my garbage collection route is not how I pictured 459 00:23:24,543 --> 00:23:25,073 this morning. 460 00:23:26,310 --> 00:23:30,327 Winnifred: But it's a glorious calling we have, and thank God our 461 00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:33,063 skills are respected for what they're worth. 462 00:23:34,094 --> 00:23:36,405 Alphonse: True, it's just quite hot. 463 00:23:36,966 --> 00:23:40,497 I am beginning to perspire, and that won't do around a 464 00:23:40,513 --> 00:23:40,882 lady. 465 00:23:42,021 --> 00:23:43,224 Winnifred: Would you like help? 466 00:23:43,866 --> 00:23:43,979 Alphonse: Ha! 467 00:23:44,669 --> 00:23:45,407 Alphonse: What nonsense! 468 00:23:45,888 --> 00:23:49,386 This sort of manual labor is a gentlemanly duty. 469 00:23:50,204 --> 00:23:53,574 I wouldn't want your petticoat to become even bloodier. 470 00:23:54,136 --> 00:23:55,323 Winnifred: Quite right, quite right. 471 00:23:56,077 --> 00:23:59,768 Alphonse: My darling Winifred, I hope you do not think it too 472 00:23:59,768 --> 00:24:04,080 forward, but Do you mind if I take off my coat? 473 00:24:04,962 --> 00:24:05,507 Ashley: What? 474 00:24:06,484 --> 00:24:10,026 Alphonse: I am not insensitive to the shocking nature of this request. 475 00:24:10,651 --> 00:24:15,154 However, as I said, I am beginning to perspire. 476 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:20,618 Still, I imagine you are not accustomed to being around gentlemen 477 00:24:21,243 --> 00:24:23,855 who are in their shirtsleeves. 478 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,435 Winnifred: Perish the thought, Alphonse! 479 00:24:27,157 --> 00:24:29,016 Alphonse: As you say, as you say. 480 00:24:29,882 --> 00:24:34,787 My goodness, the smell of this corpse is caustic. 481 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:36,246 Are those maggots? 482 00:24:36,775 --> 00:24:37,720 Winnifred: Indeed, yes. 483 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:41,904 Although this is not the first time we've discovered maggots on 484 00:24:41,904 --> 00:24:44,004 our garbage route, Alphonse. 485 00:24:44,389 --> 00:24:50,064 Alphonse: Oh yes, I recall the time somebody threw away 50 kilograms 486 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,468 of rotting pig heads. 487 00:24:52,965 --> 00:24:55,594 There were maggots all in the eyeballs. 488 00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:58,399 The stench was horrible then too. 489 00:24:59,474 --> 00:25:00,982 Winnifred: Buck up, my good chap. 490 00:25:02,041 --> 00:25:02,875 Alphonse: Yes, yes. 491 00:25:03,388 --> 00:25:04,383 One moment, my lady. 492 00:25:04,993 --> 00:25:07,254 The smell, it's overtaking me. 493 00:25:08,011 --> 00:25:11,289 [vomiting] 494 00:25:12,452 --> 00:25:15,548 Alphonse: I do apologize for the mess, madam. 495 00:25:16,479 --> 00:25:20,136 Luckily, I was able to aim the vomit into this shallow 496 00:25:20,248 --> 00:25:21,147 grave here. 497 00:25:21,516 --> 00:25:22,334 Winnifred: Yes, yes. 498 00:25:22,719 --> 00:25:26,634 The last thing we would want is to create More filth 499 00:25:26,746 --> 00:25:27,388 and waste. 500 00:25:28,014 --> 00:25:31,256 Alphonse: Well, I would estimate that this hole is deep enough for 501 00:25:31,256 --> 00:25:32,412 the corpse in question. 502 00:25:33,246 --> 00:25:35,300 3, 2, 1. 503 00:25:35,611 --> 00:25:37,151 [splat] 504 00:25:38,928 --> 00:25:42,619 Oh dear, the vomit splattered onto your petticoat. 505 00:25:42,940 --> 00:25:44,417 I do apologize. 506 00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:47,996 Winnifred: Oh no, no, think nothing of it, my dear. 507 00:25:48,236 --> 00:25:49,376 That was a good throw. 508 00:25:49,938 --> 00:25:50,499 Excellent. 509 00:25:50,820 --> 00:25:54,883 Why, With that athleticism, I shouldn't be surprised to see you 510 00:25:55,059 --> 00:25:59,218 at the next Gainsbury-Batham Hampshire Games. 511 00:26:00,294 --> 00:26:00,921 Alphonse: Winifred? 512 00:26:01,836 --> 00:26:02,173 Winnifred: Yes? 513 00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:05,802 Alphonse: I know this job is our civic duty. 514 00:26:06,380 --> 00:26:07,199 I know that. 515 00:26:07,745 --> 00:26:10,346 And indeed, I find it to be my calling. 516 00:26:10,796 --> 00:26:15,629 But do you ever find yourself occasionally questioning it? 517 00:26:16,657 --> 00:26:18,825 Winnifred: Whatever for, Alphonse? 518 00:26:19,563 --> 00:26:23,908 Alphonse: It's just that vomiting up my Earl Grey tea onto a 519 00:26:23,908 --> 00:26:28,927 maggoty dog corpse in a shallow grave I dug myself out 520 00:26:28,927 --> 00:26:34,683 in the heat- well, it's not my idea of luxury. 521 00:26:35,340 --> 00:26:40,134 Winnifred: It's true, there are other options available for those of means 522 00:26:40,166 --> 00:26:41,417 such as ourselves. 523 00:26:42,090 --> 00:26:46,227 If you change vocations, my dear Alphonse, I will change with 524 00:26:46,259 --> 00:26:49,678 you so that we can still spend time together. 525 00:26:50,673 --> 00:26:52,375 Alphonse: Why, that's touching, Winifred. 526 00:26:53,242 --> 00:26:54,848 And I can tell you've thought about this. 527 00:26:55,394 --> 00:26:57,417 What other vocations should we consider? 528 00:26:59,488 --> 00:27:04,097 Winnifred: We could work, um, at the sewage treatment plant. 529 00:27:04,626 --> 00:27:05,461 Alphonse: I think not. 530 00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:07,565 Dictator: Pip pip and tally ho once again. 531 00:27:18,034 --> 00:27:20,170 Hwallace: Well, wasn't that a masterpiece? 532 00:27:20,925 --> 00:27:23,944 Or should I say disaster piece? 533 00:27:25,357 --> 00:27:29,837 Anyway, if you enjoyed this disaster piece, you can show off 534 00:27:29,837 --> 00:27:33,306 your good taste to your friends by sharing the episode. 535 00:27:34,093 --> 00:27:36,710 Or you could subscribe to the channel. 536 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:38,493 Or you could leave us a review. 537 00:27:38,910 --> 00:27:40,853 I don't understand what those last two things are. 538 00:27:41,238 --> 00:27:44,881 I'm a thespian, not a content creator. 539 00:27:45,747 --> 00:27:51,412 But nevertheless, simply by enjoying this media, you are better and 540 00:27:51,460 --> 00:27:53,948 smarter than all of your friends. 541 00:27:54,573 --> 00:27:55,360 So good work.