0:00
[Intro Music Plays]
0:02
Dr. Rebel: Welcome to the Rebel Daydreams Podcast, where we have the best
0:04
queer and absurd skits in the Milky Way galaxy, but not 
0:09
the Virgo Supercluster. 
0:10
For example, there's this one. 
0:14
Frederick: Thanks everyone for joining Cynthia and me at our very first
0:19
gender reveal party. 
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Mimi: I'm so excited to learn what my grandchild's genitals will look like.
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Cynthia: And we can't wait to project dozens of assumptions onto our 
0:30
baby, who is currently the size of a grapefruit. 
0:33
Frederick: Oh, I love our family, and I can't wait to add 
0:37
another person. 
0:38
Cynthia: Oh, I love you, Frederick. 
0:40
Frederick: I love you too, Cynthia. 
0:43
Mimi: Hurry up and cut that cake, then we'll find out what 
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the gender of my grandchild is. 
0:49
Frederick: Great idea, Mom. 
0:51
Here we go. 
0:53
[Aggressive yell] 
0:55
Cynthia: It's Genghis Khan! 
0:57
Mimi: What? 
0:59
Frederick: That's right! 
1:00
Our baby's gender is Genghis Khan! 
1:03
Genghis: I am the punishment of God! 
1:06
Mimi: Do you mean the baby's gender is male? 
1:10
Cynthia: No, Mimi, the gender is Genghis Khan. 
1:15
You know, the founder of the Mongol Empire? 
1:18
Mimi: I know who Genghis Khan is, but what does that have 
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to do with my grandchild? 
1:24
Frederick: The baby's gender is that Ter is Genghis Khan. 
1:29
Mimi: Ter? 
1:30
Frederick: Right! 
1:31
The baby will go by Ter, or Ted nar. 
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The correct Mongolian pronouns. 
1:36
Genghis: The greatest happiness is to drive your enemy before you, to 
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see his cities reduced to ashes. 
1:44
Mimi: I don't even know where to begin. 
1:46
I can't believe you paid an actor to impersonate Genghis Khan. 
1:51
Cynthia: Oh, this isn't an actor. 
1:54
Frederick: Right. 
1:55
We found Genghis's remains, brought him back to life, and taught 
1:59
him English. 
2:01
Cynthia: This is the real Genghis Khan in the flesh, here to 
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teach our child how to act like the appropriate gender. 
2:10
Mimi: Okay, setting that ridiculous story aside, how is someone with the 
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gender of Genghis Khan even supposed to act? 
2:19
Cynthia: Well, at the age of 3, we'll begin the horseback archery 
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lessons. 
2:23
Mimi: That sounds terribly unsafe. 
2:26
Frederick: Then we'll have another baby, a brother specifically.
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We'll adopt one if we have to, and ted nar will kill 
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him when ted nar is 8 years old. 
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Mimi: I can't believe this. 
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Cynthia: But the most important thing Ter will do is unite the 
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warring factions of the Mongols to tear across the steppes 
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of Eurasia on horseback. 
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Mimi: But what did the ultrasound show? 
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Frederick: It showed our child plundering the wealth of Eurasia. 
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[Mimi sighs exasperatedly]
2:59
Mimi: Frederick, why couldn't you just have a normal gender reveal party 
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like everyone else? 
3:05
Frederick: Mom, are you not enjoying this party? 
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Mimi: Why would I be? 
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This is ridiculous. 
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Cynthia: What is so ridiculous about our baby's gender? 
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Mimi: Genghis Khan is not a gender. 
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Cynthia: What? 
3:22
Cynthia: That's like saying blue is not a color. 
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Mimi: Look, there's male and then there's female. 
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Those are the genders. 
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Cynthia: Oh, how out of touch. 
3:34
Frederick: Mom, this is what makes our baby so special. 
3:38
We're founding a new gender with Tednar. 
3:41
Genghis: Conquering the world on horseback is easy. 
3:44
It is dismounting and governing that is hard. 
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Mimi: I think you're putting a lot of expectations on this baby. 
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What if the baby's a girl? 
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Are you still going to expect her to behave this way? 
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Cynthia: Obviously the baby won't be a girl because Ter-Gender will be 
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Genghis Khan instead. 
4:06
That's the point of this whole party. 
4:08
And what is the purpose of a gender reveal party if 
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not to set everybody's expectations about our new child?
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[Genghis grunts]
4:17
[Frederick gasps, gurgles]
4:20
Mimi: You just shot my son in the chest! 
4:23
Frederick: Ouch! 
4:24
Oh, Genghis! 
4:26
Genghis: Bow before me, you weakling! 
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Mimi: Don't bow, Frederick! 
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Frederick: Yes, Genghis, yes, we must do as the Khanate commands us. 
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Mimi: This is shameful, Frederick! 
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We have to get you medical attention. 
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Cynthia: Oh, we don't need Frederick now. 
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Our baby will have a new father. 
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Genghis, of course. 
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Mimi: So that's what all this is leading up to. 
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If you wanted to divorce my son for this schmuck, you 
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should have just done so. 
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You, "Genghis", you humiliated my son in front of the entire 
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family. 
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What do you have to say for yourself? 
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Cynthia: No, Genghis, don't answer her. 
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Instead, answer me. 
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What do you have to say to our new child? 
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Genghis: With heaven's aid, I have conquered for you a huge empire, 
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but my life was too short to achieve the conquest of 
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the world. 
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That task is left for you. 
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[Frederick gurgles, gasps]
5:27
Frederick: It feels so good to be dominated.
5:30
[Podcast theme plays]
5:32
Dr. Rebel: Oh, I- Oh my goodness, I, uh- I didn't see you 
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there. 
5:37
[Chuckling]
5:39
Well, uh, you might think from that sketch that I'm Genghis Khan,
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but I assure you I am not. 
5:45
Instead, I am Dr. Rebel, the creative director of Rebel Daydreams. 
5:51
And here's a tiny bit of context before we jump into 
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the next skit. 
5:55
So as I said before, we create queer and absurd skits. 
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Occasionally we do one-act plays also, but I mostly think of 
6:02
those as collections of skits. 
6:04
And, uh, the content is frequently filthy. 
6:07
We have a show about, uh, pegging in hell, for example. 
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And, uh, if you don't like that, then, uh, the door's 
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right over there. 
6:16
Oh shit, I said it. 
6:17
Yeah. 
6:19
Anyway, uh, we've been creating audio content since about 2023, and 
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up until now I've been releasing the skits individually, and this
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is kind of weird when some of my shows are an 
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hour long and some of them are literally 3 minutes long. 
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People didn't know what to expect, so I'm re-releasing it with 
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half-hour sketch shows, and the one-act plays can be up to 
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an hour long, and I will tell you at the start 
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of the show if it's a one-act play that will take 
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a long time so you can plan your day. 
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Uh, for skit shows, the timestamps are in the show notes, 
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so if you want to skip to the next skit, you 
6:57
can do that. 
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It is my goal to release the 5 hours of skits 
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that have already been released before into 30-minute shows as quickly as possible.
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We'll have at least one release every week on Tuesdays at 
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8 AM Central, and maybe more. 
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Check back on Tuesdays. 
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Once we've caught up on the backlog, we will release at 
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least once a month on the first Tuesday of the month. 
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And hopefully the third Tuesday of the month we'll have another 
7:23
release. 
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But that sounds hard to maintain, so I don't know if 
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we'll end up doing that, but we'll certainly have material on 
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the first Tuesday of the month at 8 AM Central. 
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And I'm also creating a YouTube channel for behind-the-scenes footage and 
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previews of upcoming shows. 
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Most importantly, I wanted to share that all of us have 
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so much fun making this, and I really hope that you 
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have as much fun listening to it as we have producing 
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it, because then you will have a very good time indeed. 
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All right. 
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Without further ado, here's one of my alter egos. 
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[Pompous intro music plays]
8:00
Hwallace: Patrons of the arts, it is I, Hwallace Hwimberrly Hwilliam Hwillington.
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I am here to introduce masterpieces into your earholes. 
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Presenting Disasterpiece Theater. 
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The disaster is if you don't fully appreciate it. 
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And also, the best way to enjoy it when you talk 
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about it with your friends is to barely say the word 
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theater. 
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And so, presenting Disasterpiece "hea-tuh"!
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Also, this particular Disasterpiece is called Kool-Aid Dracula, so that's some 
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context for you. 
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All right, Kool-Aid Dracula, here we go. 
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[door opens]
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Harker: Count Dracula, I presume? 
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Dracula: Oh yeah. 
8:55
Harker: Congratulations on your newly purchased estate in London, sir. 
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Sign here. 
9:00
Dracula: Not yet. 
9:01
Harker: Ah, you wish to review the documents. 
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Very good. 
9:05
I must say, sir, that I am not used to speaking 
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to a pitcher full of liquid. 
9:09
Why are you almost empty? 
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Perhaps you would like some of this wine I brought with 
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me? 
9:14
Dracula: I don't drink wine. 
9:17
[Wolves howling]
9:20
Children of the night. 
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What beautiful music they make. 
9:24
Oh yeah. 
9:26
Harker: You're very enthusiastic, sir. 
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I'll see you in the morning. 
9:30
But I didn't. 
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Instead, I woke up days later in a hospital in Budapest. 
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They said I was anemic. 
9:37
Van Helsing: I learned of Harker's ailment sometime later.
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In a case that would prove to be related, my student, 
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Dr. Joan Seward, asked me to diagnose an ex-fiancée of his. 
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Seward: What do you think, Doctor? 
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[Grunting in pain]
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Lucy, what's she saying? 
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She hasn't spoken since she's fallen into this stupor. 
9:59
Lucy: Ch- ch- 
10:01
What is it, Lucy? 
10:04
Lucy: Cherry, grape, straw - berry. 
10:09
Seward: God, what does it all mean? 
10:11
Van Helsing: Well, she is certainly anemic. 
10:15
But I've heard of strange happenings lately. 
10:18
Seward: Can you tell me more? 
10:20
Van Helsing: I don't have enough information to say conclusively at this point, 
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but just to be safe, you should board up the walls 
10:28
of this room. 
10:29
Seward: Board up the walls? 
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But they're made of solid rock. 
10:33
Van Helsing: Trust me, John. 
10:35
It may be a lot of work, but it might just 
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save her life. 
10:39
Seward: I did as my old professor said. 
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But her mother thought the boards to be unsightly and removed 
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them. 
10:45
Dracula: Lucy, wake up, Lucy, yeah! 
10:50
Lucy: Is it you? 
10:53
Dracula: Invite me in, Lucy, and see. 
10:56
[Lucy groans in pain]
10:58
Dracula: You gotta invite me in, Lucy, or I can't come in. Yeah. 
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Lucy: come - come in. 
11:05
[Wall breaking] Dracula: Ohhh yeah!!! 
11:09
Dracula: I'm nearly empty, Lucy. 
11:11
Let me drink of you. 
11:13
Hell yeah! 
11:15
Lucy: Do as you wish. 
11:18
Oh, ouch! 
11:21
Dracula: Now I'm full of Kool-Aid that is also possibly blood. 
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I won't tell you. 
11:28
Lucy: You took too much, Count. 
11:30
Dracula: Drink of my Kool-Aid and you will rise again. 
11:36
Lucy: That's not enough, Count. 
11:37
I'm going to pass on. 
11:39
Dracula: Worry not, Lucy. 
11:41
You will live eternally under the stars and moon with me, 
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your father in blood. 
11:49
I'll be back later tonight, baby. 
11:51
Seward: Lucy? 
11:53
Lucy, are you awake? 
11:55
Dracula: Oop, time to make like a bat and beat it. 
11:57
Seward: What? 
11:58
Seward: Get out of here, you terrible creature. 
12:00
Cynthia: Shoo, shoo! 
12:01
[Bat squeaks]
12:05
Seward: Lucy? 
12:07
Lucy? 
12:08
Lucy!!! 
12:09
Van Helsing: What happened, Seward? 
12:11
Seward: She's dead, Professor. 
12:14
Van Helsing: Worse than that, John. 
12:16
She's undead. 
12:18
Seward: How do you mean? 
12:20
Van Helsing: My worst fears have been confirmed.
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Look at the puncture marks on her neck. 
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No. 
12:28
That wasn't a bat. 
12:30
That was Dracula. 
12:32
Kool-Aid Dracula, to be precise. 
12:35
Seward: He's some sort of killer? 
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But Kool-Aid is one of my favorite drinks. 
12:40
Van Helsing: Not just a killer, a monster.
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He is a walking pitcher who fills himself with the blood 
12:47
of the living. Through some alchemical process,
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The blood turns to Kool-Aid as soon as it hits his 
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lips. 
12:56
Seward: That seems scientifically impossible.
12:59
Van Helsing: That doesn't matter now, Dr. Seward.
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We must drain Lucy of all her bodily fluids. 
13:05
Otherwise, she too will become a glass pitcher that feeds on 
13:09
human blood. 
13:10
Seward: That would be very disrespectful. 
13:13
Van Helsing: You could hem and haw some more, but see now, at 
13:17
this very moment, her skin is becoming more and more Translucent. 
13:23
Seward: But that's just consistent with anemia.
13:25
Van Helsing: Damn it, man! 
13:26
Do you want another pitcher that bursts through walls running around? 
13:30
It's terrible for property values. 
13:33
Seward: All right, Professor Helsing, we'll do it. 
13:37
But how do we get rid of the devil Dracula? 
13:39
Van Helsing: He must cool himself with ice from his homeland. 
13:44
Without it, he will eventually dry out, no matter how much 
13:48
blood he drinks. 
13:49
He must have hidden caches of ice coolers all around London. 
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We must find them and destroy them. 
13:57
Seward: The professor and I destroyed many an ice chest throughout the 
14:00
city. 
14:01
We went to destroy the largest store of Transylvanian ice in 
14:04
Count Dracula's residence in Piccadilly. 
14:06
Dracula: You fools! 
14:08
You know not what power you've awakened! Yeah!!!
14:12
Van Helsing: Get out, devil ! 
14:14
Dracula: Okayyy!
14:17
Seward: Goddammit, I missed! 
14:19
Van Helsing: I believe we drove him out of London at least. 
14:22
But the vampirism in Europe will only be stamped out if 
14:27
we cut the head off the snake. 
14:31
The Kool-Aid snake, specifically. 
14:35
Seward: After a long journey, we traveled to Count Dracula's castle in 
14:38
Transylvania. 
14:39
Here we are. 
14:41
But even after traveling all this way, I still don't know 
14:45
how we'll slay the devil. 
14:46
Van Helsing: I have a trick up my sleeve, John. 
14:49
Trust me. 
14:50
Count Dracula, your end is nigh! 
14:55
Dracula: More victims! 
14:56
Oh yeah! 
14:58
Van Helsing: Take this! 
14:59
[Hair dryer turns on] Seward: A hair dryer? 
15:02
Van Helsing: This will melt the ice and evaporate the remaining fluid. 
15:06
Then we can just shatter the pitcher 
15:09
Oh nooo!!! 
15:12
[Hair dryer turns off] Seward: Wow. 
15:13
Seward: That was surprisingly fast. 
15:16
Van Helsing: That's because this is a holy hair dryer blessed by the 
15:20
priests in St. Paul's Cathedral. 
15:23
Seward, he is dry now. 
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Crack him open. 
15:26
[Crack]
15:27
Seward: Ha! 
15:28
Take that, you piece of shit. 
15:30
Van Helsing: And so we put the devil to rest. 
15:33
But even to this day, I still have trouble drinking the 
15:38
Kool-Aid. 
15:40
Especially the cherry flavor. 
15:41
Sometimes it tastes metallic. 
15:47
[Pompous music plays]
15:49
Hwallace: Well, wasn't that a masterpiece?
15:51
Or should I say disasterpiece??? 
15:56
Anyway, if you enjoyed this disasterpiece, you can show off 
16:01
your good taste to your friends by sharing the episode, or 
16:05
you you could subscribe to the channel, or you could leave 
16:09
us a review. 
16:09
I don't understand what those last two things are. 
16:12
I'm a thespian, not a content creator. 
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But nevertheless, simply by enjoying this media, you are better and 
16:22
smarter than all of your friends. 
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So good work. 
16:28
[Spooky intro music plays]
16:30
Acererak: Welcome everybody to the very first episode of Kill Them All. 
16:36
From the Tomb of Annihilation in the Jungle Peninsula of Chult, 
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I'm Acererak the Undead Wizard. 
16:44
We'll talk more about my qualifications in a minute, but first, 
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what is Kill Them All? 
16:51
Simply put, it's a monster interview show. 
16:56
It's a podcast about world domination. 
17:00
If, like myself, You are interested in raising an army of 
17:03
the undead to ravage an unsuspecting world. 
17:07
You belong here. 
17:09
If, like others, you want to extract as much fortune, fame, 
17:12
and wealth as possible from the unwashed masses, you belong here 
17:17
too. 
17:18
And if you want to feed brains to a gigantic brain 
17:21
you worship in your basement, we have room for you as 
17:24
well. 
17:25
Or if you just want to kill everyone, we named the 
17:27
podcast after that desire specifically. 
17:30
Kill them all! 
17:31
Now, who am I? 
17:33
As I alluded earlier, I'm an arch-lich, an undead wizard. 
17:38
For your mind's eye, I'll share that I typically enjoy wearing 
17:41
purple robes, my trademark spiky hat, and a walking stick with 
17:46
a skull on the end. 
17:48
Despite my best efforts, part of my left cheek has rotted 
17:51
off, but my eye sockets gleam in a menacing way. 
17:56
And I've trapped the souls of thousands of naive adventurers out 
17:59
to get me. 
18:00
But we all have to start somewhere. 
18:03
Today I'm interviewing a new player on the block who at 
18:06
this point only has a lifespan of 11 days. 
18:09
But I'm sure she'll soon be beyond life and death and 
18:13
we'll be colleagues for centuries to come. 
18:16
Please join me in welcoming Meepo the Kobold! 
18:20
Meepo: Thank you, Acererak! 
18:21
It's an honor to be here. 
18:24
Acererak: Tell the listeners at home what you look like. 
18:26
Meepo: Oh, I'm just your standard kobold, I guess. 
18:29
I'm a 2-foot-tall reptilian humanoid. 
18:32
I have molted purple scales and an alligator's jaw. 
18:37
I'm wearing pink nail polish on my claws and my horns. 
18:41
Acererak: Tell us what you're all about, Meepo. 
18:43
Meepo: Well, it's much more humble compared to the stuff you're getting 
18:46
up to. 
18:47
I'm new to the business, you might say, but I have 
18:50
about 100 children and they're all hungry. 
18:54
So I really didn't mean to get into villaining. 
18:57
I was kind of forced into it. 
18:58
It's hard out there for a single mother. 
19:01
Acererak: But you do enjoy being a villain now, correct? 
19:05
Meepo: Oh, Asmodeus, yes! 
19:07
There's nothing like getting the better of some stupid farmer who 
19:10
thinks they're tough enough to come into your lair. 
19:12
Acererak: Boy, do I know that feeling. 
19:15
Tell us about the most powerful adventurer you ever killed. 
19:19
Meepo: Oh, that would definitely be Yatiba Hindeldorf, a halfling cleric of 
19:23
Helm. 
19:24
She had this glowing flail that turned purple every time it 
19:27
drew blood. 
19:28
Acererak: Ugh, these magic weapons. 
19:30
Always with the blood stuff. 
19:32
Meepo: She actually came alone, which was bold of her. 
19:35
Acererak: A lone cleric. 
19:37
Interesting. 
19:38
Meepo: I was out of spells for the day, so I knocked 
19:41
her upside the head with a sharp rock. 
19:43
Then I put her into a loincloth and tied her up 
19:45
to my altar to Balrigg the Dragonlord. 
19:48
Acererak: A classic choice. 
19:49
Meepo: I thought so too, but she complained about it, saying it 
19:54
was sexist and old-fashioned. 
19:56
So I tied up a few male prisoners in the same 
19:59
way next to her before I sacrificed them all to Bolrig. 
20:02
Acererak:That was progressive of you. 
20:04
You said you were out of spells. 
20:06
I didn't know you were a fellow spellcaster. 
20:09
Meepo: Oh, it's not much. 
20:12
I mostly just light things on fire. 
20:15
Acererak:You know, As the centuries have passed, the more I learn 
20:18
about spellcasting, the more I respect a good, simple fire. 
20:23
Meepo: Oh, that's good to hear! 
20:25
That I'm on the right track! 
20:26
I like the way it sparkles. 
20:29
Acererak: I enjoy the scars it leaves on my enemies. 
20:31
I like burning down temples and orphanages. 
20:36
Ah, there's nothing like the smell of human fat roasting in 
20:39
a raging inferno. 
20:41
Not that I can smell much these days. 
20:44
Meepo: Oh, I've never burned down a temple before. 
20:47
Acererak: You haven't? 
20:48
Oh, I'm excited for you. 
20:50
You never forget your first temple burn. 
20:53
Anyway, tell us about your plans for the future. 
20:57
Meepo: Well, I mentioned Bolrig the Dragonlord before. 
21:00
I worship him, but I also actually know where he lives, 
21:05
and it's not too far from a little smuggling operation I 
21:08
run. 
21:09
So I offer him tribute from time to time, and we've 
21:12
been getting chummy. 
21:13
Eventually, I'm going to ask him if he will turn me 
21:16
into a dragon. 
21:17
I've heard that's how kobolds can extend their lifespan. 
21:21
Acererak: Good thinking. 
21:23
You know, villaining is really a meritocracy. 
21:26
If you deliver Bolrig the head of the nearest mayor or 
21:28
something, I think you have a good chance of becoming a dragon.
21:32
Or he'll burn you to cinders for asking. 
21:35
Meepo: He's actually a green dragon with poison breath, so I'm going 
21:39
to wear a respirator when I ask. 
21:41
And if that goes well, from there I'll have a good 
21:44
750 years of life before I start having to think about 
21:48
death magic. 
21:49
Acererak: I know most dragons look down their nose at magic that 
21:52
brings you beyond life and death, but I can't recommend it  enough.
21:57
I've never felt more alive. 
21:59
Or dead, I suppose. 
22:02
Meepo: Yeah!  If turning into a dragon doesn't pan out, I might have
22:05
to pick your brain on becoming an undead wizard. 
22:08
A lich! 
22:09
Acererak: A kobold lich. 
22:11
There's a first time for everything, I suppose. 
22:14
I needed a good 30 years to understand the magic that 
22:18
made me immortal, but perhaps you're a quicker study than I 
22:21
was with your short lifespan. 
22:23
Meepo: I'd really like to escape the cold embrace of death. 
22:27
I'm pretty sure I will go to the Nine Hells after 
22:29
I die. 
22:30
Acererak: I remember those days, fearing
22:33
divine retribution, extending my lifespan with
22:36
one potion or another. 
22:38
You know, sometimes I miss that. 
22:42
It's all so easy now. 
22:45
Meepo: Well, I only have 11 days left of my natural lifespan, 
22:49
so I better get cracking. 
22:51
Acererak: We'll let you get back to it, Meepo. 
22:53
You know what, I'll have my people send you some notes 
22:55
on how to trap adventurers' souls. 
22:58
You can use those to live longer. 
23:00
Meepo: Oh, I would be so, oh, so grateful for that. 
23:05
Acererak: Not a problem. 
23:06
We'll see you later. 
23:09
Now, wasn't that something? 
23:11
[Outro Music]
23:11
You've got to admire that little lady's courage. 
23:15
There are so many adventurers that could split her skull in 
23:17
half, but does that stop her? 
23:20
No, she presses on, irrespective of the danger. 
23:25
I guess as a single mother, that's what you have to  do.
23:29
Like Meepo, this podcast has humble beginnings.
23:33
An arch-lich interviewing a kobold? 
23:36
Some would find it ridiculous. 
23:39
But in this show, we hope to catalog all sorts of 
23:41
perspectives on what it's like to be a villain. 
23:44
Contrary to what some I think there's more than one right 
23:47
way to do it. 
23:48
So if you're a villain bent on world domination, or an 
23:52
orc marauding through dwarven mines, or even if you're just a 
23:55
mayor with a mean streak, we want to talk to you. 
23:58
Until next time, remember: Kill them all! 
24:07
[conspiratorial intro music]
24:10
[Unknown]: I have fabulous news for you. 
24:13
This is True Conspiracies, where we unravel hoaxes left, right, and 
24:18
center. 
24:18
I'm your host, Rare Nadir. 
24:20
Rare Nadir: I know everything, you know nothing, but I'm going to transfer
24:23
that information right now. 
24:25
Here's one hoax for you. 
24:27
It's about the impending candy corn crisisss-
24:31
-sssSSSSsss-
24:33
 Oh, that's so annoying when I do that. 
24:35
Yes, right into your ears. 
24:38
Nathan: Congratulations, Madam President. 
24:40
President: You did an excellent job in the last administration, Nathan. 
24:43
You'll remain the director of the FBI as long as I am president.
24:47
Nathan: Thank you, ma'am. 
24:48
President: Is there anything I need to know on my first day  in office?
24:51
Nathan: Yes, ma'am. In fact, there is an impending crisis.
24:56
Seward: Well, don't leave me in suspense. 
24:58
Nathan: In 45 days, America will run out of its candy corn  reserves.
25:04
There will be none left for Halloween. 
25:08
President: Uh, what? 
25:08
Nathan: I know this is shocking news. 
25:10
Please try to stay calm. 
25:13
President: I have several questions. 
25:15
Nathan: You see, all the Kenny Corn on Earth was produced in 
25:18
the early to mid-'80s. 
25:20
President: Nobody's made any since then? 
25:22
Nathan: The formula was written on a piece of paper, which the 
25:25
KGB stole. 
25:26
Then their plane was shot down in international waters. 
25:29
President: Okay. 
25:30
Nathan: The Navy has sent many submarines to the area where it 
25:33
was shot down. 
25:34
But nobody's been able to find the formula, and nobody's been 
25:38
able to replicate it ever since. 
25:41
President: If that's true, we should have run out of candy corn 
25:44
in the '80s. 
25:44
Nathan: Ah, there's a secret stockpile we've been drawing down from, but 
25:48
very soon it will run out. 
25:51
There have been North Korean candy corn experiments as a show 
25:54
of power, but they are unable to replicate it, as are 
25:58
we all. 
26:00
President: Can you tell me why this matters? 
26:04
Nathan: Why does it matter? 
26:06
President: Yeah, I mean, who cares about candy corn? 
26:09
I have more important things to do with this administration. 
26:12
Nathan: Who cares about candy corn? 
26:16
President: Help me understand. 
26:18
Nathan: Madam President, without it, our psychologists at the FBI project at 
26:22
best mass hysteria. 
26:24
At worst, the citizens will revolt and we may be unable 
26:28
to resist the revolution. 
26:31
President: Even if that's true, we have the largest, the best military 
26:35
in the world. 
26:36
What revolution could possibly happen? 
26:39
Nathan: 80% of the population is projected to join the Candy Corn Revolution.
26:44
4 nations will join them. 
26:46
President: This is ridiculous. 
26:47
Nathan: No, ma'am, it is deadly serious. 
26:51
President: Who cares that much about candy corn? 
26:53
Nathan: Madam President, how could you say such a thing? 
26:57
President: I just don't understand why this is so important. 
27:00
Nathan: What will become of Halloween? 
27:02
That sacred American tradition will be ripped apart, and the delicious 
27:07
candy that we all crave will be gone forever, and people 
27:11
will revolt. 
27:14
President: Can't somebody just make a substitute?
27:16
You know, something similar to candy corn? 
27:18
Nathan: Oh, they'll know. 
27:20
They will know. 
27:21
We can't keep this secret under wraps for long. 
27:24
President: I mean, candy corn doesn't even taste very good. 
27:28
Nathan: Whatever you do, ma'am, don't share that opinion with the public. 
27:31
You'll be impeached immediately. 
27:35
President: Nathan, I hate to say this, but you're off your rocker. 
27:38
I don't need to know about this. 
27:40
There won't be mass hysteria and people won't revolt. 
27:44
If this is what you think I need to know, I 
27:46
have serious doubts about your abilities as an FBI director. 
27:50
Nathan: And I have doubts about your ability as a president. 
27:54
President: We won't be needing you in the new administration. 
27:57
Nathan: Oh, but you will. 
27:58
You will. 
27:59
When the world runs out of Candy Corn, Pandora's box will 
28:03
erupt. 
28:04
Anarchy will reign. 
28:05
The flame of revolution will ignite the world and burn it to a cinder.
28:10
And after the end of civilization as we know it, there 
28:12
will be only one currency. 
28:14
One. 
28:15
Not Bitcoin, not the American dollar, not even gold. 
28:20
It'll be candy corn. 
28:22
Candy corn. 
28:24
President: Nathan. 
28:26
Nathan: Yes, ma'am. 
28:26
President: Get out of my office. 
28:28
Nathan: Yes, ma'am. 
28:29
President: Nathan. 
28:30
Nathan: Ma'am. 
28:31
President: Before you turn in your badge and leave the White House 
28:33
forever, tell me one thing. 
28:35
Nathan: Anything to serve my country. 
28:37
President: Are we going to run out of gummy bears? 
28:40
Nathan: Sit down, ma'am. 
28:41
I have so much to tell you. 
28:44
[Conspiratorial music plays]
28:46
Rare Nadir: I've been Rare Nadir with True Conspiracies. 
28:50
If you enjoyed unraveling this hoax with me, share it with 
28:55
a friend. 
28:57
Or you could subscribe to the channel, or leave us a 
29:00
review, or all three! 
29:03
Together, we will turn the sheeple into the people! 
29:12
Dr. Rebel: Thanks for that shameless plug, Rare Nadir. 
29:15
Uh, yeah, so this was the first episode, and keep checking 
29:18
back Tuesdays at 8 AM Central. 
29:21
I hope you had a good time.