WEBVTT

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Rare Nadir: Citizens, how are we all
doing tonight? You sound happy. I couldn't

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be happier myself. I mostly have tapes
for y'all, like we've been hearing,

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but every so often I want to break it
up with an interview. My own Deep

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Throat, if you will. Except I have
several. The first one I'll call Big Uvula.

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Big Uvula: You can just call me "U" for
short.

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Rare Nadir: I'm glad. I'm
glad. Uvula is hard to say.

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Now, you. You work for
Astroglide, is that correct?

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Big Uvula: That's right.

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Rare Nadir: And you're
here to tell us a secret. A

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secret that Big Lubricant
doesn't want us to know.

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Big Uvula: The best lube
is not Astroglide.

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It is not KY Jelly. It is not even
Horny Goat Weed. That's for

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butt stuff. But even for butt
stuff, there is something better.

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Rare Nadir: Don't leave us in suspense.

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Big Uvula: It's grape juice. Grape juice
is the best lubricant.

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Rare Nadir: Whaaaa?

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Big Uvula: If you have sex just
right and you use grape juice to

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lubricate, you get wine and
then it's already up in your bits.

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Rare Nadir: Then you'll be drunk and
having sex all at once. Fabulous, that.

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Big Uvula: And if word
gets out, my company,

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Astroglide, will go out
of business tomorrow.

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But I just couldn't keep it a secret any
longer. The American people deserve to know.

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Rare Nadir: Tell me what kind of grapes
we're using.

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Big Uvula: Well, personally, I prefer
red in the back, white in the front.

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Rare Nadir: Oh,
you're a freak, Uvula.

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I wonder what happens when you use a Hitachi
while you're fucking with grape juice.

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Big Uvula: It becomes
sparkling wine.

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Unless you're in the
Champagne region of France. Then -

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Rare Nadir: Yes. Yes, I
think we all know what happens

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then. If you go for long enough,
does the wine turn into vinegar?

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Big Uvula: Oh, nobody's fucked long enough
to say.

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Rare Nadir: That
sounds like a challenge.

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Well, that's cover up number one.
Grape juice is the best lubricant because

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it turns into wine when you have
sex. This was covered up by Big Lube

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and we blew the lid off of it. Here
on True Conspiracies. Now here's

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Trish with the weather. After the
weather, I'll just play some more tapes.