Rare Nadir: Citizens, how are we all doing tonight? You sound happy. I couldn't
be happier myself. I mostly have tapes for y'all, like we've been hearing,
but every so often I want to break it up with an interview. My own Deep
Throat, if you will. Except I have several. The first one I'll call Big Uvula.
Big Uvula: You can just call me "U" for short.
Rare Nadir: I'm glad. I'm glad. Uvula is hard to say.
Now, you. You work for Astroglide, is that correct?
Big Uvula: That's right.
Rare Nadir: And you're here to tell us a secret. A
secret that Big Lubricant doesn't want us to know.
Big Uvula: The best lube is not Astroglide.
It is not KY Jelly. It is not even Horny Goat Weed. That's for
butt stuff. But even for butt stuff, there is something better.
Rare Nadir: Don't leave us in suspense.
Big Uvula: It's grape juice. Grape juice is the best lubricant.
Rare Nadir: Whaaaa?
Big Uvula: If you have sex just right and you use grape juice to
lubricate, you get wine and then it's already up in your bits.
Rare Nadir: Then you'll be drunk and having sex all at once. Fabulous, that.
Big Uvula: And if word gets out, my company,
Astroglide, will go out of business tomorrow.
But I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer. The American people deserve to know.
Rare Nadir: Tell me what kind of grapes we're using.
Big Uvula: Well, personally, I prefer red in the back, white in the front.
Rare Nadir: Oh, you're a freak, Uvula.
I wonder what happens when you use a Hitachi while you're fucking with grape juice.
Big Uvula: It becomes sparkling wine.
Unless you're in the Champagne region of France. Then -
Rare Nadir: Yes. Yes, I think we all know what happens
then. If you go for long enough, does the wine turn into vinegar?
Big Uvula: Oh, nobody's fucked long enough to say.
Rare Nadir: That sounds like a challenge.
Well, that's cover up number one. Grape juice is the best lubricant because
it turns into wine when you have sex. This was covered up by Big Lube
and we blew the lid off of it. Here on True Conspiracies. Now here's
Trish with the weather. After the weather, I'll just play some more tapes.