Hello and welcome to Reddit and Sanday number 13.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
We are the Knights of Entertainment.
We have some more Reddit for you today.
This is more by today.
I fucked up.
Alrighty.
So first one is by Zombie00.
My god, it's suspension zero.
So this person puts, I'm going on a four day tour holiday with one of my classes to
the city that has a guy friend of mine.
I want to meet him and who knows where that could lead.
And if it does, I want to be prepared.
I've been doing better skincare routines, exercise, better sleep, and also wanted to
shave my taco.
I've been heavily dedicated to this and searching everything up for the trip just in case.
And I've never shaved before, so I went into the depth about how to do it properly.
The only thing I didn't do was use a new sharp, clean razor like they said you should.
I thought it wasn't necessary and that it was just for a cleaner cut and didn't know
to do it later as I'd have to buy a new one.
So I do it and I was cleaning up the lips with the blade.
It took a piece of the lip off.
I tell you now, I don't scream bloody murder.
That should hurt.
Just listen to that.
Jesus.
Because I was sitting on the edge of the bath, I jerked from the pain, slipped, hit my head
on the toilet, and to top it all off, my dad heard me scream and like the hero he is, he
came running in to rescue me.
What's wrong if I'm OK?
I was still dizzy from hitting my head, so I didn't answer immediately.
So I started frantically asking if I was OK.
I got frustrated and in the pure moment shouted at him that I had cut my vagina off.
Dead silence.
Well, time to go back to my dad.
After the realization hit me that I had just told my dad what I was doing, I was still
in immense pain as a chunk of my lips was off.
That should hurt.
Sounds painful.
And my dad just silently backed out of the bathroom door and I heard him go to his room.
I got out, took a while and cleaned up my crime scene.
I just went to bed.
Not 10 minutes later, my dad knocks on the door and he just says, we've all been we've
all been had been through it.
And walks away.
Cut pieces of our body.
I'm getting it.
Tell you, I'm trying to impress someone else.
I want to kill myself after that.
Still can't close my legs right now without pain.
Well, that was her plans.
I don't know what's next.
So bad.
Just Nick and entire chunk off.
Fuck.
What did she never come back?
I don't think it was that bad, but it probably felt that bad.
Yeah.
Imagine giving yourself a circumcision.
No, thank you.
All righty.
Next one is zero for orgy.
So you're you're oh and you're zero and one to work.
I'm confused.
You never went in orgy.
I don't understand.
All right.
This person puts a cow.
Say it again.
What's his name?
The zero for orgy.
Never mind.
I thought it was zero.
Like like like the speed zero to 60.
Yeah, like he's zero to orgy.
Like he was like a normal zero.
It's immediately an orgy.
Well, shit, I told him all of a sudden I'm in an orgy.
I don't know how this could happen to me.
I just saw myself.
This happens every time.
This person puts a couple of nights ago, my girlfriend was supposed to meet my friends.
I've been to I've been delaying the process for months friends because I knew I have to
be I would have to have an uncomfortable conversation first.
I met my friends at an orgy.
My roommate at the time.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
You met your friend.
How the fuck?
Like in between fucking rounds, you guys sit down and talk.
My roommate at the time asked for my permission to host an orgy at our flat.
I said yes.
Fuck no.
As long as my room and my dumpster in the back with the freak that you are.
As long as my room and my belongings were off limits and the flat was properly cleaned
afterwards.
There's no cleaning after that.
My plan was to spend the night in my mom's house and be out of everyone's way during
the orgy.
My roommate encouraged me to stay and participate.
Fuck all that.
I was still a virgin back then and thought of sleeping with one person was overwhelming
enough, let alone a group of people.
A little 57 of them.
However, my roommate eventually convinced me to take part.
I was added to the group chat with all the people who were going to be involved in the
orgy.
All of them made me feel really comfortable.
Fuck all that.
That being said, when the orgy finally happened, I wasn't able to have sex with anyone.
My anxiety won.
Everyone was understanding, though.
Life went on.
The connections I made with the people of the orgy also developed into friendships.
We're still friends now.
My girlfriend didn't know my history with them until earlier this week when I finally
had the courage to explain the orgy story.
Not origin story, but origin story.
That's a whole different take on the hero and villain.
The origin story.
The orgy story.
She was shocked and disturbed, asked if I lied to her about being a virgin when we met.
No, baby.
No, she struggled to believe that a virgin guy would walk away from an orgy with his
virginity still intact.
Believe me, if you can't get your dick cut, you can't get your dick cut.
It happens.
My girlfriend made it clear that she was no longer interested in meeting my friends.
She said she didn't.
Oh, don't you air call me.
She said she didn't know how she could be in a relationship with somebody who has friends
with people who shared him.
I asked my girlfriend if she was breaking up with me and she said she was going to need
some time to decide on what to do.
Last night she decided our relationship is over.
Well, damn, damn girl.
You were fine before.
What changed?
She found that out.
But I mean, she's like, give me some time to think about it.
Okay, we're done.
No more thinking.
You know what her thinking entailed, right?
She went to all her friends like he went in an orgy.
Nasty motherfucker.
You dumped that motherfucker now.
That's exactly what happened.
And the worst thing about it is she probably has some guy on the wings.
Oh, yeah.
They always have some guy in fucking reserve.
That's in the friend zone area.
Just waiting.
Man, that was, I saw an Instagram of a friend date this woman took with this guy.
It's like, oh, a dinner, a helicopter ride, a horseback riding, you outdid yourself.
And you're the best friend.
You taught him.
This is how a woman should treat a man or a man should treat his woman, right?
Yeah.
You're my best friend.
Like he was so hard in the friend zone that he did all that.
He did fucking dinner, a movie, helicopter ride, horseback riding all in one day.
And he was still in the friend zone.
Like he's hard in the friend zone.
You showed me.
Literally.
Yeah.
You showed me what it means for me to be taken care of by a man.
Or you set a new standard for the man.
I'm like, bitch, everything I did.
Don't you see?
Actually, it's not her fault.
It's his fault for doing that stuff.
And on top of that, because you know you're going to be in the friend zone still.
Like unless, I don't know, you're not going to get out of the friend zone unless you actually,
if she wants you to be.
And if you're still simping over somebody for that long, you're going to be well over
like probably 500 bucks.
There's going to be some girl out there that's going to appreciate that much more.
And you're not going to have to go.
But it won't be her.
It won't be her.
Please.
You're going to be like Superman with a 15,000 year wait.
Man, he'd probably bust another so hard for the blue balls.
He's going to get passed out.
He's like, I got it.
I got no choice.
Okay, jeez, blow out the zipper.
After that long wait.
Yeah, he just passes out his friend.
No, Dan.
Oh, shit.
All right.
The next one is from.
Friends don't suck.
That's what I'm.
You've been there.
I can tell.
No.
Hey, man, if it fit now.
No, Kevin sent that hard.
Not really.
No, not really.
You're not at all.
I mean, you know, you buy a girl like a piece of pizza or that's not simply here's a here's
a book that I like.
Do you like it, too?
Like I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna give you the date of dates girl.
Fuck all that.
I wouldn't be doing all that.
No, no.
Like if you're asking somebody if they share the same interests, that's a little different
than.
Or like a small thing.
You should be allowed to have a friend that's your opposite, you know.
Yeah, you should be able to.
But man, you don't do all that for your friends.
You go have it.
You go have.
Now, if you were doing it for yourself and hey, you want to come with.
Oh, yeah.
That's a little different.
I love fucking escape rooms.
I'll take everybody who wants to come on now.
That's a little different, though, than like if you're doing it for yourself and just bringing
somebody with you.
Like we're at that point where it doesn't matter who the friend is.
Just basically.
Yeah, that's different.
But if you're spending that much money, dude, on a girl that you that you love, but that's
like, you know, like you're like a brother to me, bitch.
Like I saw another one where this guy was like they were both dressed up as Mr.
Mrs. Incredible.
Right.
And he's like, well, look at us.
We're like, Mr. Mrs. Incredible.
And she's like, no, more like Dash and Violet.
I see you like a brother.
I'm like, well, friend zone then.
The leader off of Facebook is what he should have done.
Should have.
She was so quick to make sure that response.
Yeah.
God damn it.
Right.
With that bullet in the chamber.
Yeah.
That's the biggest thing.
I don't think you can be a simp that hard for anybody.
It's not worth it.
Say that now that tomorrow.
I'd be like, please.
Please.
Next one is by Helinthia and Honey.
Helinthia Honey.
OK.
At least that's how I'm pronouncing.
I'm probably mispronouncing that word by a long shot, but we're going to go with that.
This person puts.
Last night I was extremely horny and reading some BDSM forums before I typically.
Yeah, that shit went right out the gate.
Damn.
BDSM like immediately like that's that's his norm.
If that's his baseline.
Well, if that's her baseline, my God, if that's that's the baseline.
OK, listen to me, people, if that's the baseline, you can't even imagine.
Like usually that's a build up.
That's the kink of your stuff.
Right.
If that shit is your baseline, when you start, you start.
Holy shit, bro.
Get some insurance.
Those are the issue, but I typically get off on comments and words for smut, etc.
Oh, you know, you know, a word like me.
I love me some word.
Maybe not.
Maybe not the sexual words.
I love me some delicious vocabulary.
That shit from fucking in like Thanos.
Yeah.
From Endgame.
You could not live with your own failure.
Where did that bring you?
Back to me.
She puts, well, I came across a forum with lots of people saying they put toothpaste
on their clit for a thingy cooling sensation.
And that sounded awesome.
Here we go.
Hospital visit to me.
So I did it right before she went to the shower.
It honestly felt great.
I did my answer baseline.
I'm sure the freak.
Like I'm assuming for a woman, a pillow, it would be like the normal baseline.
But if your baseline is let me put some toothpaste on my vagina.
That's man.
She's deep in there.
I just realized like people growing up with like access to pornography now, their baseline
must be way above our hours.
What hours would have been.
Yeah, but I can only imagine how bad it is now.
I wonder that's that nasty step brother step sister shit is so prevalent.
That's their baseline.
My god.
I'm seeing some titties with a baseline.
Yeah, not now.
That's like that's not even an appetizer.
No.
Yeah.
BDSM is baseline now.
Jesus.
She puts.
I also use really hot water down there too.
And then had sex and it seemed fine.
Well I woke up this morning with a burning sensation that wouldn't go away.
And not only is it really uncomfortable and mimics UTI pain, but also whenever she wipes,
there's faint blood coming out too.
She does what you pay us apparently.
That's just a common thing.
I think it's somewhat common.
But okay, if BDSM is her baseline, there has been things shoved up there that should not
be.
Yeah.
So it's so now I don't know if I gave myself a UTI or just damaged myself.
I bought some Azo.
I don't know what the fuck is Azo.
I have no idea.
And I'm going to see how I feel a bit later and hopefully I won't have to go to the doctor
and tell them what I've done.
TLDR.
Don't put toothpaste on your private parts or you could end up peeing blood.
T.L.A.
You need to go to the hospital.
What are you talking about?
If UTI pain doesn't bother her.
Fuck.
Is this part of the BDSM?
It's like this just more torture.
I like it when I feel pain.
Apparently.
Good God.
I don't know what that brought.
That brought a Spider-Man noir from the across the Spider-Verse.
Yeah.
Where Nick Cage, that's the voice.
Yeah.
I like that light matches.
Let him go all the way to my fingertips.
I can feel something.
I don't know why it reminded me of that.
So he likes the light matches and let him whittle down all the way to his fingertips.
And it does, right?
And instead of doing some grandiose, he's just like, oh, this is a kids movie.
Which is sad.
Which is hilarious.
The subtly for us.
That's the greatest kids movies.
When it's a baseline kids movie and in that little kids stuff, there's stuff for adults
where they're like, oh, you son of a bitch.
See, again, that's why I will always go back to the Batman, the animated series.
It had a bunch of that kind of stuff.
He hit women too.
Yes, he did.
He didn't mind.
He was equal rights all the way back then.
He said that in the episode.
Equal rights.
Now, what do you say?
Like, justice knows no gender.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking punches that only in the face.
It's like, boom.
I was like, God damn it.
Justice knows no gender.
I mean, look, he hits poison ivy all the time and stuff.
He's lucky it was an actual old lady.
Fucking crippled her for life.
Just spurt her out.
Robin was like, yeah.
Oh, Batman, he is just he's like, he's not even like a guy.
He's just like, not even he's like just above that.
Yeah.
Batman, but I damn it.
What was it?
Batman Beyond.
There's this one scene where apparently somebody is trying to like hack into his mind to get
him to believe like hallucinations or something.
And what's the what's the Batman Beyond character's name?
Terry McGinnis.
Yes, Terry.
He's like, how did you know that you weren't going insane?
He's like, I just know I'm not.
He's like, but how did you know that it was somebody else?
He said, because he kept calling me Bruce.
I'm Batman.
Well, he said, so what do you call yourself?
He just gave him that look.
He calls himself Batman.
Yeah, but he does.
I'm not Bruce.
I'm Batman.
If I remember correctly, he banged Talia Al Ghul with a mask on.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
When he had Damien.
Yeah.
Batman, you freak.
Well, also, they're from the same thing with Batman Beyond.
Apparently Rosal Gould took over.
Oh, Talia.
And he was like, just making out with him.
He's like, she kissed me.
My God.
Oh, shit.
All righty.
Next one is by Captain White Lighting.
I hope this doesn't turn her horrifically racist.
I don't think so.
They put that so I have recently become a father.
My son is a week old and I have been home with mom and baby the entire time.
Needless to say, I was getting a little restless at home, even with the lack of sleep that
comes with the new kid.
For obvious reasons, for obvious reasons, my wife and I couldn't pass the time in the
bedroom as normal, mainly due to the expected impact of childbirth.
My son's huge head didn't help things.
It's that fucking head.
It ruined it all.
So I decided to not bother my wife and sleeping baby a baby and slipped off to the bathroom
with phone and lotion to discreetly take care of business.
Perusing my go to site, I found the video of choice.
Baseline media, sir.
First thing that pops up is an ad of a girl yelling, oh, baby, with the volume on my phone
at full blast.
You dumb bastard.
You amateur.
I quickly turned it down and proceeded to the business.
I returned my wife in a living room and all I see is shock on her face.
She holds my son looking worried.
I ask what's wrong, fearing she is mad at me for taking care of business solo.
She looked at me dead serious and said something whispered, hey, baby, to our son after you
left and I'm freaked out.
I'm sure it's nothing for some background.
My wife believes in ghosts and spirits.
Oh, fuck.
That's crazy as it sounds.
She told me about seeing odd things in our house and believing she heard people talking
before.
So this did not help and she even she is even more worried with the new addition.
She is currently burning sage throughout the house to remove the spirits.
I don't have the heart to tell her I was just warning as she overheard me watching
more.
TLDR.
I tickled my pickle.
No volume discipline.
I tickled my pickle.
I had a plane where the actress said, baby, now my wife thinks our house is haunted and
ghosts want to take our baby.
Well, you got to keep that lie up the rest of your life.
It's all I can tell.
Yeah, it was good.
Yeah.
All righty.
The next one is by might as well not fuck.
This person puts I started having sex in my mid teens, but stopped having sex in my early
20s specifically after my first real relationship came to an end.
I was 22.
I never thought it would affect me as bad as it did for as long as it did.
But from 22 until recently, I've been avoiding relationships, even casual hookups.
As you can imagine, I did what most people would do alone and horny.
I masturbated for six years.
A few weeks ago, I finally said enough is enough and decided to start dating again.
After several unsuccessful dates and almost reverting back to my antisocial ways, I managed
to make a connection.
She was cute, funny, covered in freckles, and I loved it.
Towards the end of our first date, we continued.
We agreed to continue our fun at her place.
Based on body language, sex was definitely on the table.
One of my biggest fears was was exploding almost instantly due to the six years of zero
sex.
However, the opposite became my biggest challenge.
Wasn't that all?
I got a marathon, man.
I could practically see the seasons change as we were.
Jesus Christ, that's how long it felt after thrusting longer than I've ever thrusted in
my entire life.
My back gave out.
My hip popped out of place.
I pulled out and apologized to my date.
She seemed as relieved as I was to stop.
She's like, yeah, we were both complaining about being sore.
I explained my six year situation and made it made her understand that she did nothing
wrong.
It was all me.
She understood.
And she said it must be death grip.
Never heard of it before.
But when she explained it to me, it made sense.
I Googled how to overcome death grip.
And the number one treatment plan was masturbate less.
Well, what do you know?
I opted for not masturbating at all.
That reminds me.
So the guy that wrote the Godfather novel, he, he didn't know he was tasked or approached
to write the screenplay for the Godfather.
One, he did, but he was afraid because he didn't know how to write a screenplay.
But he did it.
And he did another way.
He did the second one, part two, and he won two Oscars.
And after winning those two Oscars, he decided to get better at screen.
Like he was pretty much haphazardly doing it.
So he decided, hey, let me buy this book on screenplay writing to get me a little bit
of information on how to do it.
Fucking chapter one, it says watch and study Godfather part one.
He's like, son of a bitch.
So I think he apparently got a natural gift for screenwriting.
Or he had, I don't know how he's probably dead by now.
Just watch it and copy it.
He did it.
He did it like half-assed.
And then later on, he tried to learn how to screenwrite for real.
And he come to find out he's telling him just to watch the shit he already did.
Half-assed or half-hazard.
So what the fuck?
It just reminded me of that.
That would suck.
All righty.
Let's see.
I opted for not masturbating at all.
And guess what?
It didn't help.
My money shot, or no money shot.
My God.
I had sex with the same freckled face girl for three weeks.
And I think her vagina fucking hates me.
Yesterday.
Blew her back out.
It was so bad.
The next day we were supposed to meet up, but she called me to tell me she's no longer
interested in seeing me because I've made it uncomfortable for her to walk properly.
Damn.
I masturbated this morning to see if I can still shoot a load.
And the answer is yes.
I've literally trained my junk to hate me and to hate sex.
And now I seem to have lost a potential girlfriend.
TLDR.
Avoided sex and masturbated for most of my 20s.
And now I'm unable to bust during sex and I'm losing potential relationships in the
process.
Then there's an edit.
She came.
Holy fuck.
I didn't think that the information was relevant until I summoned the council of annoying female
pleasure seekers in this thread.
Oh, they were wondering like what happened to her?
So what you did let her come?
Apparently she did.
Good.
Yay.
We wrote it in all caps.
You know who that guy is?
Jeff Bezos, a billionaire now.
That's what happens.
You can't do it.
You make billions of dollars.
You ain't got nothing else to do.
All right.
Last one by granny go away.
This is a throwaway account to that didn't sound right.
This person puts last night, I managed to convince an attractive girl to come home with
me.
I was in the end.
It was the end result of a successful first date.
Well, successful ish.
As soon as the two of us were naked and in bed, she froze and asked if I lost a loved
one recently.
That question caught me off guard.
Well, I'm trying to put my clothes back on and go home.
What the fuck?
The question caught me off guard because my face was buried between her legs at the time.
I didn't answer at first, but she asked again.
The second time she literally made me stop eating her out so I could respond.
For the record, she did mention that she had a sixth sense when we were getting to know
each other.
But we never discussed it in detail.
To answer her question, I said my grandma passed away not long ago.
My date nodded her head and said she sensed my grandma's presence.
I said I didn't believe in ghosts to continue eating her out.
I would have been like, I'm going home fuck all this.
My date said my grandma had a message for me.
At that moment, I was doing everything I could in her Gucci eating department to distract
my date from talking about my dead grandmother.
But sadly, my oral sex game did nothing to prevent her from telling me that grandma wanted
me to forgive my brother.
I stopped what I was doing and asked my date what she meant.
A few years ago, my brother hooked up with my girlfriend, my ex now.
I hated him afterwards and our relationship basically became nonexistent.
No, you don't think?
I don't think so.
I never shared the information with anyone, let alone a girl I had just met, but somehow
she knew.
When I asked my date how she knew, she said my grandma.
She knew my grandma's name, which was another detail I never shared.
As my skepticism began to fade, I asked my date if my grandma could actually see what
I was doing and she said yes.
God dang it.
You couldn't show the code?
My penis automatically disabled its erection function.
Yeah, I'm not going to die.
My deck has been soft ever since.
Sex is no longer possible for me when I imagine ghost granny not watching me during sex, but
also feeding my partner sensitive information about me from beyond the grave.
I didn't sleep at all.
My first proper date of the year and I was getting fucking haunted during sex and granny
blocked.
So no more sex for him, huh?
I wouldn't either.
You know who that was?
Elon Musk.
He's now a billionaire.
The white whale.
Oh man.
You've seen those memes of people making fun of him whenever he was out on a boat?
No.
We had no shirt on.
Just pale and like look like a beluga.
I'm sure he's fine.
Well, he's rich.
You don't care.
Yeah, I doubt he gives a fuck.
He can still get any girl he wants, any model.
Apparently not.
He wanted Amber Heard and she wasn't having it.
It was Amber Heard.
Yeah.
She wanted to shit in his bed.
I want to beat his ass too, apparently.
Did she want to beat him up?
No.
No, she wanted to beat up.
Johnny Depp.
She fucked him up.
I think she was trying to bang Elon one time while he was still seeing Johnny Depp.
Oh God, what a whore.
And Elon Musk was like, girls, I can't do that to Jack Sparrow.
He didn't want to hurt her shit in his bed again.
Man, how do you?
And then blame the dog.
How do you have a conversation with a person that's willing to take a fucking dump on your
bed?
You can't talk to her as a rational human being.
You shit on my bed.
I mean, what am I supposed to say to you?
What can I say to you?
You shit on my bed.
My Spider-Man sheets are fucking ruined.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to tell people?
Your Pokemon blankets.
My fucking Pokemon bed sheets, Pikachu, they're shit all over his fucking face.
There's a brown streak.
God.
At least you miss Sansha.
Like, I don't know, like, how do you like?
I've never been in a situation where I had to deal with someone that was like that level
of not stable.
That level of crazy?
Like just mental instability.
On the hotness crazy scale, she's not even there.
She's hot though.
She's not on that level of hot.
Yeah, she is.
Not the shit in my bed.
I could wake up with my pubes on fire like, Amber, why?
Because you wake up beside that douche.
If I had to, I'd be like, oh man, let's get out of here and shit on my bed again.
No, like real talk.
How do you even talk?
Like what if you actually care about that person and you wanted to keep a relationship
going but she's just insane.
Throwing bottles at you?
She's throwing bottles at you.
She's physically assaulting you.
And then saying if she calls the cops that you'll be the one arrested.
Yeah, like I'll be the one arrested.
I'm five foot three.
You're going to arrest you, not me.
She's like six, she's like five, nine.
I'm not getting arrested.
Just the shit on the bed.
No, no, no.
She probably keys me in my car, deletes all the contacts on my phone or resets my iPhone.
I'm just like Amber, why?
Why?
Do you not have like...
I don't know.
It's weird.
I couldn't deal with it.
I couldn't deal with that at all.
She comes to the movie, said drunk, doesn't want me to do the sex scene with the fake sex
scene with the new...
Like I'm pretending I'm an actor.
Like I'm Johnny Depp right now.
Have you seen how happy he looks?
He looks pretty damn happy now.
He lost like 15 years off his...
Like he was 45 now he's like 39.
He's like, oh thank you.
I'm done with it.
The way he speaks.
I'm just done with it.
Like he's just exasperated.
I thought he talked like Jack Sparrow.
Look at my part of dirt.
I can't deal with Jack Sparrow.
I can't deal with yours.
Man.
She cusses at your mom on the phone like Amber, why?
Yeah.
You'll never be able to figure that one out.
It's not so much like trying to figure out...
Well, I guess I am because like people get in relationships, right?
How they're so effectively able to hide their crazy until you're at a point where you can't
escape it.
Yeah.
It's like God.
Yeah.
Couldn't be me though.
Could not be me.
But that is everything that we got for Reddit.
Anything else to add before we head out?
Just all over my Pokemon pillowcases.
Talk to you guys next time.