Hello and welcome back to reddit insanity 11 I'm Michael and we are the Knights of Entertainment
and we have some more funny reddit insanity for you to those three people that watch these
we appreciate it we do all right first up we have from emergency strike seven five seven
what categories are they it's from a couple of categories here mostly today I fucked up
but I fucked up I slept the cop that's that's the whole entry and I got shot all right from
him we have the last weekend was one for the history books I should warn you there's a
not a happy ending where everybody laughed and hugged oh fuck and it was and is humiliating
and no grace has been extended to me and I'm still in jail not that bad enough I have IBS
everyone bouncing them right yes what is that exactly basically to where your your stomach
is like uncontrollably aggravated all the time so like little things set it off where
you have to use restroom just like that mm-hmm I thought I had that just from having massive
shits I was wrong man well for him specifically is diarrhea yeah that sucks no idea what causes
it but I've had it since I was 16 if I know I'm going somewhere with limited private toilet
access I can usually head it off the head off the diarrhea by taking a modium man that's
so you like you just can't like can't do anything about it and like you can you go out you go
out in public you have to worry about man anybody with IBS knows it becomes second nature
to playing around bathroom access where you're when you're away from home Jesus Christ we
have all we have all the tricks down the I need to run to the store or I think I'm gonna
throw up can we stop at a gas station this last weekend I went on a short trip to my
in-laws run down one bedroom cabin one bathroom cabin sorry oh I made steak in a podium but
I forgot we got there I realized I realized we were a solid 25 minutes away from anything
45 minutes from an open store after 9 p.m. I did my best to avoid food but was pressured
to have a drink or two while playing cards that evening I felt the rumble and went right
to my old bag of tricks I think I'm gonna take a shower and head to bed and it was an
odd timing within the game but no one really said anything a shower is generally a good
technique it muffles the sound creates them to carry the smell out of the bathroom with
a fan and gives you an extended period of time alone I get to the bathroom and I'm ready
to explode your body knows when you're close to a toilet and yeah it does yeah well those
ass cheeks at the fucking toilet seat like a fucking shock the shower was old and confusing
and I didn't have time to turn it on I sat on the toilet and loudly released I was worried
I was heard but there really wasn't an alternative at the moment after I finished I noticed there
wasn't any water in the toilet and I panicked I opened the back of the toilet and it was
dry too oh here's a great trick actually for that is grab a bucket of water right and just
dump it into the the the bowl not nothing back just the ball like it just creates his
own suction no need to panic people this is a turning point where I could have made a
better decision and simply announced that I had an issue instead I just ate the shit
I didn't have any choice would you imagine it's like people think of the like when they
don't have a panic right yeah they think of the worst fucking decisions so I hit the shit
in the fucking top of the toilet in the fucking the back when you flush it more shake it was
my only option my first reaction was anger how the fuck hadn't anyone use the toilet
in two hours did they did they know it didn't work I got got over it quickly and began solving
the problem I took my in-laws toothbrush cup after removing their toothbrushes and carefully
scooped out the shit and put it in the tub to rinse it down the shower that that's basically
what I just said a panic decision yes there was a lot of way that's you just ruined the
cup in hindsight I would have one use shower water to flush the toilet or two at least
ensure there was an actual shower with water in it spoiler the shower did not work at all
at all bone dry and the white tub is bathed with shit splattered from the cup I did not
I did not carefully pour it out instead I had bailed shit like it was a boat sinking
in fairness I thought that this hadn't been a toilet issue and was confident I could easily
rinse it away there was no way to scoop it out of the bath and using a towel was a recipe
for a disaster after five minutes of staring at a wall I tried texting my wife she didn't
respond I decided I'm going to crack the door and yell out the yell that the shower isn't
working that was the extent of the plan and I hoped it all worked out and they didn't
work out at all as soon as I yelled my father-in-law who was right next to the door unbeknownst
to me walked in and saw everything he screamed for fuck's sake what the hell happened were
you playing with your shit what would you woman that caused my brother and sister-in-law
to walk in and both dramatically scream and dry heaving like they were trying to win an
Emmy it's honestly a blur to me from here I yelled that I was really that it was really
fucking complicated doesn't his wife know he has IBS yeah oh gee he drove off though
in a weird panic leaving my shit literally behind I recognized that that was not the
best decision turns out they had simply forgotten to turn the water back on after winter I
my father-in-law missed that missed that specific valve they were furious that I used their
cup and my wife was mad but she had to stay there and clean what the shower couldn't come
on baby apparently the smell lingered that's what it's what couples do they clean each
other shit I agreed via text to just go home and she'd get a ride with her parents we haven't
talked about it since except that she told me everyone was really mad and grossed out
hey man man's gonna deal with man's gonna shit the moral of the story don't panic you
know the more always panicking that shit ain't going nowhere the family already hates you
enough as it is I just need that one little thing you know but they nail in the coffin
you always panic with in-laws because you're trying like it's like you try so hard to an
extent that it becomes like counterproductive to the relationship they're trying to build
right like you like you try to so like you try so hard to be friend to the father of
the wife that you're banging right like and then you do it with such a bad extent yeah
so he's got no choice it was gonna end in disaster and like you said it did not end
in a family it takes like ten years to get to that point and then the relationship with
them in with a family that you're just you don't give a fuck anymore yeah you can always
tell the newlyweds to the the veterans in a family dinner when when the the wives husbands
the the son-in-law are trying overly hard and the ones that are just like I'm part of
this family fuck you Karen all right next one we have is from ghost 2689 the guy from
metal modern warfare I don't know he writes stories already in between his fucking killings
well this would be a horrible thing to add but sure already done enough as it is this
person puts I used the icy hot on my back a couple of days ago and left into the bathroom
counter it's the same size and shape of my toothpaste the colors on the tube even looks
similar with a rainbow color streak near the title and both using red and blue on the white
colored tube I was gonna have a patch okay yeah not a patch it's a little too the tube
okay it was turned around so only the back of the tube was showing I'm also dumb as
fuck and that's not even something remotely what would happen yeah I'll be like this isn't
my fucking that's it I don't know some people are just like really they're like highly unobservant
the toothpaste bottle was stored in the cabinet so I mistakenly in a rush to get ready grab
the icy hot and squeezed a white paste on my toothbrush my toothpaste is also a white paste
needless to say my lower face through the back of my throat went numb pretty quickly
and it's still numb an hour later my duck has my dick hasn't been hard ever since thought
about calling poison control but I didn't swallow any and wash my mouth out extensively
so I'm gonna tough it out hope it won't make for another today today I fucked up post another
well yeah if you had to go to the hospital well today I fucked up I didn't call the poison
control when I shut up today I fucked up and died that's the first thing you need to do
because you don't know like okay like if you get toothpaste in your eye right yeah you
know you know what to do rub it with fucking water it may sting for a while because of
the men to bed but you'll be okay you'll be fine but if I'm gonna eat fucking icy hot
I'm gonna call the fucking police like hello I thought I was drinking that blue mountain
do but it was it was Windex I'm fucking stupid yo what do I do we've heard of those people
that do that right what that drink stuff specifically so they can go to the doctor the masochist
what's the word people that love doctors so much and always have something wrong with
them just so they'll marry chemicals and shit I know what you're talking about I don't know
the specific term for it but there's a disease like a mental disorder that makes you do that
it's like hypochondria isn't it mmm or something similar similar but I don't think it's hypochondria
but they have a like there's a whole thing with the reverse that glass fucking hate going
to doctors nobody likes doctors or at least they shouldn't want to always go to the doctor
I guess we should say we don't like which is like it's something like man just tell
me what I got wrong doctor damn just get it over with oh yeah I don't want to go through
the whole list of shit just tell me what's wrong be done you squeeze you squeeze my balls
hard enough just tell me what's wrong it's like that's the issue you're squeezing my
balls too hard next one we have is from throw away ra fish sticks they put I'm so effing
embarrassed I'm posting on my alternate account it's so bad this isn't even my actual account
it's not as bad as they're making it out to be but still I'll be the judge of that today
I was walking my dog at the park at park and saw another dog pooping on the sidewalk so
I kind of waited to see if the owner was going to appear and pick it back up he did appear
later he approached the dog and played with him a little bit I say hey your dog pooped
over there and pointed at it the guy didn't answer and my dog wanted to leave so we just
left and I assumed he had picked it up my dog decided she wanted to go back to where
we were before and we passed the same spot for the shit still decorating the sidewalk
I saw the guy with the dog in the distance talking with two other women I'm super fed
up to other women to two women okay I'm like he's talking with two other women like there's
him and then two other women but he's not well the person that's writing this is a woman
okay so two other women she should have specified yeah I am a woman if he was a fuck out of
me I saw the guy with the dog in the distance talking with two other women I'm super fed
up because I'm from a place where dog poop is an actual problem because there's a lot
of people who don't pick up after the dog after it shits I pick up the poop approach
the guy quickly put the bag in the guy's hand and say there since apparently you've got
back problems I did half the job for you now you only have to throw it away in the trash
hell yeah go me then I look at him he profusely beat the shit out of him then I look at him
he was very obviously mentally handicapped okay job woman one of the other ladies he
was with probably was too the third lady was an older lady who maybe took care of them
as soon as I realized they had this I effing ran home because I needed a process what's
just happened how much of an asshole am I where should I walk my dog now to never meet
these people again and how the hell am I supposed to live with this knowing there's no coming
back from the shittiest thing I've done in quite a while pun not intended it's unfortunate
but I don't think it's so bad you don't have to put it on that's why you need to you know
something you need to mind your own business yeah I wish a lot of people would it's just
it's not your problem sew this shit on the ground I'm sorry to walk around it or if it's
bothering you so much just throw it away basically yeah like I know like I know I understand
where she's coming from like it's that person's responsibility but I mean if it's bothering
you that much and then they're not gonna just leave it and if it's bothering you that much
you picked it up like if there was a dog taking the shit right in front of my fucking car
like where I have to walk to my car my to my driver's side yeah then I have like you
pick up the dog shit every time I walk to my fucking car there's a fucking trailer
shit right but like I mean it's a public park if I saw a guy's dog taking a fucking fat
dump and he didn't he just left her I'm like well fuck there's a fat shit right there walk
around yeah but if they did it on my lawn I'm like hey what the fuck yo yeah that's
a little different or if there was no other person that had ever left the dog shit there
you might say hey I'm like number one that's that's the first one that but I don't know
if you went through the hassle of picking it up and then yeah you just might as well
toss it yeah like just chalk it up is like he's an idiot don't be don't be Batman so
if you pick up your dog shit I'll put your face in it just smash it that's a bad boy
he fucking grabs the guy by the face that's a bad boy fucking hits him with a newspaper
and dumps him in the trash can that would be fun you imagine Batman hey you gonna pick
up dog shit or not fuck I throws a bat around in his eye and fucking blinds him that's what
you get for not picking up his shit that would be some shit Batman would do what the fuck's
wrong with you fucking find he'd fucking find him back at his house but to his fucking window
you son of a bitch where is this bag of shit I walked all the way over here and fucking
throws it in his face like you walked 50 miles to my house just to throw shit in my face
you broke into my fucking home but yeah I don't think it's so bad I don't think it's
so bad you have to post to an alternate account for that it's not that bad next one is from
purple maiden they put I get socially anxious and very easily for example if I'm getting
my hair cut and it doesn't look the way I want I can't say anything because I don't
want the person cutting to feel bad I feel like that sometimes you just want something
you don't want to say something right the inability to say something got me into a weird
situation yesterday I was driving on the highway headed home I noticed there were a lot more
cars than usual for that time of the day and they were all going super slow I figured it
was a track like traffic for construction or something after about a mile of this I
was still in very slow line of cars moving and following each other the car started getting
off the highway at my exit so I followed them it was at that moment that I realized I was
in a funeral procession the cars started approaching the intersection at the exit the police blocked
it off so that the procession could stay all together all the cars were turning left at
the light but I needed to go right to go home they go home as I approached the police for
just waving everyone the same direction I rode down my window and started to speak but
the officer didn't hear me and just tell it kept yelling this way keep up moving along
just keep moving along I decided just to go left with the rest of the cars I couldn't
get out of this procession and I wound up following them all the way to the home they
were going to somehow I ended up being a pallbearer too carry the coffin all the way to the people
near the home were helping other people find parking spots and once again a gentleman that
guided me and my car into a spot damn man man I was too anxious to say anything my car
was completely boxed in on all sides after waiting about 30 minutes in hopes I'd be able
to drive home I got out of the car and started heading towards the house with the other grievers
Jesus man come on now everyone was dressed in super nice except for me in a tie-dye shirt
and athletic shorts I walked into the house everyone was staring at me but no one said
anything I don't know what to do at this point so I ate some of the food for the for the
guests Jesus that might be not saying something going too far yeah well it gets even farther
eventually this woman started talking and making an announcement turns out her father
had passed and we were in his house Jesus Christ you had to go you you lead you too
she told everyone in her siblings that her and her siblings had gone through most of
the stuff in the house but needed everything out in a few days because new tenants were
moving in they told everyone from the funeral to take anything they wanted that was left
any furniture decorations pictures etc people started going through this guy's stuff and
taking what they wanted I saw a few things I liked and I took them I brought them back
to my car when other people started leaving and now I have this random guy's stuff from
the funeral I wasn't supposed to be at I thought you had to give a you a eulogy up at barn
I've been fucking hilarious I don't know my you look familiar but come on up here give
a you like oh I didn't know this man personally but I knew of him could you wing a eulogy
that would be hard it was a good father an even better husband that would be very hard
to do though he died doing what he loved what did he love doing not dying trying to turn
into like a joke eulogy no nobody's that would suck too next one is from
oh boy sorry for any typos or fat formatting errors I'm dumb that's a good way to start
it off I'm not what you call the brightest person in the world I was watching some certain
videos when I saw an advert for a fairly well-known adult video website pornhub there's that's
the only one when I looked at it I saw they had a deal going on where you could get seven
days for just one dollar and so I thought fuck it fuck it it's only a dollar and I
can instantly cancel it so I don't get charged at the end of it here's where the trouble
starts I go into my accounts page and there's information on my subscription and when the
next billing cycle date is but no option to manage my subscription I take to Google to
discover how to cancel my subscription and the answers I'm presented with aren't true
the buttons I said or it should be there simply aren't I'm getting a bit worried as this is
not I bet they they they disable them until you're like your next bill cycle probably
now what you can you can get out of the free seven-day thing yep and after navigating
the website a bit more I found a small button at the bottom of the page that seemed to be
what I was looking for clicking this took me to another website and it became apparent
that in order to cancel I would have to either call customer service support or talk to somebody
live via live chat service hey y'all I need to can't there ain't not enough midget porn
on here I need to cancel this subscription you guys offer you guys advertise a lot of
bestiality but ain't none on here it's like a random machine but you nasty I opted for
the latter since since I couldn't stand the shame of talking to an actual person over
the phone what was the letter the live chat live show you just like texting yeah that
just seems well that is but it's easier to where you know there's not the shame hello
I'm this is customer service yes sir what can you do for you I just want to cancel during
the live chat I had to give a bunch of information before it would connect me to a real person
why do you like to watch frequently but once I was connected things they get any black
babes we could not find oh you know there's plenty of those I do know because I have resource
all of it the person on the other end would constantly leave me for extended periods of
time before replying but every couple of minutes I would be prompted to type yes I want to
continue the chat otherwise it would be closed I assume a tactic to make the cancellation
process as hard as possible no pun intended after making some progress the person on the
other end starts offering me deal after deal to get me to keep my subscription despite
me turning them down and telling them I am not interested in any deals now hold on here
what kind of deals we talking about I'm all about the deals what are we talking about
here once the deal barrage ended they started the slow reply game again forcing me to play
the type yes quick time event for a little longer before eventually canceling my subscription
lesson learned don't spend money until after the deed is done so he did this before any
of it so he did all the he didn't even get to do anything damn I would be I'd be stressed
out after that it's not even worth it anymore exactly next one is from flame 1808 MK okay
flame 1808 MK so this happened last week after the weekend I got away got to work on Monday
as usual but the whole week I had been in the office with a with college that I really
that I really do not like so I decided I will go to work for three days and then go home
and since I do not have many vacation days to waste like this I decided that I will go
to a get a doctor's visit pass for two days the fuck is he talking about apparently does
he go to college go to work with both yeah that's very vaguely confusing yeah my butt
in general he's trying to get a doctor's pass basically like a doctor's visit thing
I'm gonna break both your legs after your pass so Wednesday evening comes by and I'm
calling my boss that I can't go to work since I have a stomach flu and diarrhea and that
I will get a doctor's pass for two days saying that I can't work he agreed and wish me to
heal fast okay horrible typing I said to myself and made myself a I'm gonna eat a vegan dinner
this will be important later I am not a vegan but from time to time I'd like to eat vegan
food for about a week or so for health reasons as you know vegan food is plant-based and
so it's easy to digest next day at 7 a.m. me and my girlfriend hit I get up from bed
she was going to work around 11 and that day so we decided a nice morning coffee together
would be nice and after that I call my doctor and say that I'm sick and I already got the
it's so he ain't a plant-based meal that's easy to digest right which means it's quick
to go through then he ate a coffee that's an accelerant yeah accelerant for shitting
yeah basically he's a dumbass yeah so he calls his doctor saying that he's sick and he needs
a two-day pass basically and that he doesn't need a checkup so she agreed that she would
give him the pass later at 1030 he stepped out of the car and proceeded to go to the
doctor's office this is the fuck up as they say the day before he had vegan food away
why why do you already change it to a third person there was I I'm having to correct some
of these words otherwise it makes no sense so okay I'm correcting as I'm reading editing
as you're fucking ready you know how difficult that shit yeah there's so many spelling type
when they're like typing errors and stuff and I already can't speak for the life of
me he's like I must be must have affected his fucking mental capacity apparently all
right so this is the fuck up as the day before he had some vegan food and then he had black
coffee that morning not only coffee the black coffee yeah the strongest version you could
possibly have he says I had the urge to fart and I didn't feel any pressure or anything
he was still outside on the street and nobody was there so he did his thing instant regret
as he felt liquid stuff pouring into his pants so he got the pass from the doctor and then
walked home in shame so I still got the the pass from the doctor so that's the doctor's
office yeah he had to walk home for 30 minutes through the whole city and browned pants Jesus
got home showered trashed his underwear and jeans started thinking if it's possible that
real karma exists I would say yeah so he got a pass to fake diarrhea and he believed me
what he was doing he blew his ass cheeks out yes he did don't eat vegan food and then drink
black coffee the next morning you know blow that shit out immediately I mean not unless
your body's used to it like not unless you're a damn hippie the kind of Cartman hates other
than that your body ain't gonna be used to that mmm that's a double barrel boom boom
just run down your leg I've never I can't even imagine how uncomfortable that would
be just having a fucking a load of shit just a load of shit in your ass cheeks with it
with it nowhere to go 30 minutes walking and just fuck it okay actually scraping it
oh it'll be like that one that we read a long time you can hear the bubbling too and you
can feel the fucking like we're you can smell it like that one reddit that we read about
that one some homeless guy going like yo you shit yourself yo this man shit himself like
the other guy starts chasing after you change yourself he's got that one crazy guy while
he's following you this man took a dump in his fucking drawers everybody and his pants
turned brown they were not brown before wow they still walked out like that for 30 minutes
I can see the shit say to you I don't know why you sound like a pimp from the 1970s then
why not I was in Dallas recently and yeah like there's a few of us what the fuck you
doing you a nasty motherfucker you know I got lost three leaving more shit on the ground
literally man yeah that's that's horrible so we opened up with diarrhea we closed the
diarrhea we always do you know what's funny there used to be this one specific food like
I narrowed it down being a detective every time I ate this one specific food from this
one specific Chinese restaurant I would blow cheeks like it was nobody's business to a
painful degree oh like four or five shits just boom boom boom boom and I got like a
12-hour span fuck and I was like man it three times it happened and I was finally it's this
fucking food it's the only fucking equation or the only component of the fucking equation
that I couldn't account for to my like you know yeah three times same food three fucking
diarrhea spells I don't know what the fuck I don't know what the fuck they do with their
food that shit would just blow through me too much vegetable oil maybe I see that fuck
it in or injected in every fucking egg they would just they would just fucking it would
just go like I would eat it right and I two hours later I dumped it all out seven times
oh that would suck yeah Billy hope you like just burning like I'm hot ass shit no more
and guess what you gotta ship them some home but that is everything we got for Reddit insanity
this week and we will see you on the next one okay hey diarrhea