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Hello and welcome back to reddit insanity 11 I'm Michael and we are the Knights of Entertainment

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and we have some more funny reddit insanity for you to those three people that watch these

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we appreciate it we do all right first up we have from emergency strike seven five seven

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what categories are they it's from a couple of categories here mostly today I fucked up

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but I fucked up I slept the cop that's that's the whole entry and I got shot all right from

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him we have the last weekend was one for the history books I should warn you there's a

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not a happy ending where everybody laughed and hugged oh fuck and it was and is humiliating

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and no grace has been extended to me and I'm still in jail not that bad enough I have IBS

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everyone bouncing them right yes what is that exactly basically to where your your stomach

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is like uncontrollably aggravated all the time so like little things set it off where

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you have to use restroom just like that mm-hmm I thought I had that just from having massive

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shits I was wrong man well for him specifically is diarrhea yeah that sucks no idea what causes

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it but I've had it since I was 16 if I know I'm going somewhere with limited private toilet

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access I can usually head it off the head off the diarrhea by taking a modium man that's

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so you like you just can't like can't do anything about it and like you can you go out you go

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out in public you have to worry about man anybody with IBS knows it becomes second nature

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to playing around bathroom access where you're when you're away from home Jesus Christ we

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have all we have all the tricks down the I need to run to the store or I think I'm gonna

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throw up can we stop at a gas station this last weekend I went on a short trip to my

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in-laws run down one bedroom cabin one bathroom cabin sorry oh I made steak in a podium but

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I forgot we got there I realized I realized we were a solid 25 minutes away from anything

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45 minutes from an open store after 9 p.m. I did my best to avoid food but was pressured

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to have a drink or two while playing cards that evening I felt the rumble and went right

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to my old bag of tricks I think I'm gonna take a shower and head to bed and it was an

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odd timing within the game but no one really said anything a shower is generally a good

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technique it muffles the sound creates them to carry the smell out of the bathroom with

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a fan and gives you an extended period of time alone I get to the bathroom and I'm ready

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to explode your body knows when you're close to a toilet and yeah it does yeah well those

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ass cheeks at the fucking toilet seat like a fucking shock the shower was old and confusing

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and I didn't have time to turn it on I sat on the toilet and loudly released I was worried

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I was heard but there really wasn't an alternative at the moment after I finished I noticed there

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wasn't any water in the toilet and I panicked I opened the back of the toilet and it was

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dry too oh here's a great trick actually for that is grab a bucket of water right and just

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dump it into the the the bowl not nothing back just the ball like it just creates his

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own suction no need to panic people this is a turning point where I could have made a

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better decision and simply announced that I had an issue instead I just ate the shit

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I didn't have any choice would you imagine it's like people think of the like when they

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don't have a panic right yeah they think of the worst fucking decisions so I hit the shit

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in the fucking top of the toilet in the fucking the back when you flush it more shake it was

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my only option my first reaction was anger how the fuck hadn't anyone use the toilet

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in two hours did they did they know it didn't work I got got over it quickly and began solving

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the problem I took my in-laws toothbrush cup after removing their toothbrushes and carefully

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scooped out the shit and put it in the tub to rinse it down the shower that that's basically

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what I just said a panic decision yes there was a lot of way that's you just ruined the

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cup in hindsight I would have one use shower water to flush the toilet or two at least

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ensure there was an actual shower with water in it spoiler the shower did not work at all

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at all bone dry and the white tub is bathed with shit splattered from the cup I did not

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I did not carefully pour it out instead I had bailed shit like it was a boat sinking

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in fairness I thought that this hadn't been a toilet issue and was confident I could easily

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rinse it away there was no way to scoop it out of the bath and using a towel was a recipe

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for a disaster after five minutes of staring at a wall I tried texting my wife she didn't

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respond I decided I'm going to crack the door and yell out the yell that the shower isn't

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working that was the extent of the plan and I hoped it all worked out and they didn't

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work out at all as soon as I yelled my father-in-law who was right next to the door unbeknownst

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to me walked in and saw everything he screamed for fuck's sake what the hell happened were

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you playing with your shit what would you woman that caused my brother and sister-in-law

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to walk in and both dramatically scream and dry heaving like they were trying to win an

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Emmy it's honestly a blur to me from here I yelled that I was really that it was really

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fucking complicated doesn't his wife know he has IBS yeah oh gee he drove off though

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in a weird panic leaving my shit literally behind I recognized that that was not the

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best decision turns out they had simply forgotten to turn the water back on after winter I

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my father-in-law missed that missed that specific valve they were furious that I used their

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cup and my wife was mad but she had to stay there and clean what the shower couldn't come

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on baby apparently the smell lingered that's what it's what couples do they clean each

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other shit I agreed via text to just go home and she'd get a ride with her parents we haven't

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talked about it since except that she told me everyone was really mad and grossed out

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hey man man's gonna deal with man's gonna shit the moral of the story don't panic you

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know the more always panicking that shit ain't going nowhere the family already hates you

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enough as it is I just need that one little thing you know but they nail in the coffin

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you always panic with in-laws because you're trying like it's like you try so hard to an

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extent that it becomes like counterproductive to the relationship they're trying to build

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right like you like you try to so like you try so hard to be friend to the father of

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the wife that you're banging right like and then you do it with such a bad extent yeah

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so he's got no choice it was gonna end in disaster and like you said it did not end

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in a family it takes like ten years to get to that point and then the relationship with

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them in with a family that you're just you don't give a fuck anymore yeah you can always

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tell the newlyweds to the the veterans in a family dinner when when the the wives husbands

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the the son-in-law are trying overly hard and the ones that are just like I'm part of

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this family fuck you Karen all right next one we have is from ghost 2689 the guy from

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metal modern warfare I don't know he writes stories already in between his fucking killings

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well this would be a horrible thing to add but sure already done enough as it is this

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person puts I used the icy hot on my back a couple of days ago and left into the bathroom

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counter it's the same size and shape of my toothpaste the colors on the tube even looks

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similar with a rainbow color streak near the title and both using red and blue on the white

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colored tube I was gonna have a patch okay yeah not a patch it's a little too the tube

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okay it was turned around so only the back of the tube was showing I'm also dumb as

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fuck and that's not even something remotely what would happen yeah I'll be like this isn't

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my fucking that's it I don't know some people are just like really they're like highly unobservant

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the toothpaste bottle was stored in the cabinet so I mistakenly in a rush to get ready grab

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the icy hot and squeezed a white paste on my toothbrush my toothpaste is also a white paste

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needless to say my lower face through the back of my throat went numb pretty quickly

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and it's still numb an hour later my duck has my dick hasn't been hard ever since thought

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about calling poison control but I didn't swallow any and wash my mouth out extensively

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so I'm gonna tough it out hope it won't make for another today today I fucked up post another

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well yeah if you had to go to the hospital well today I fucked up I didn't call the poison

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control when I shut up today I fucked up and died that's the first thing you need to do

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because you don't know like okay like if you get toothpaste in your eye right yeah you

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know you know what to do rub it with fucking water it may sting for a while because of

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the men to bed but you'll be okay you'll be fine but if I'm gonna eat fucking icy hot

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I'm gonna call the fucking police like hello I thought I was drinking that blue mountain

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do but it was it was Windex I'm fucking stupid yo what do I do we've heard of those people

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that do that right what that drink stuff specifically so they can go to the doctor the masochist

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what's the word people that love doctors so much and always have something wrong with

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them just so they'll marry chemicals and shit I know what you're talking about I don't know

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the specific term for it but there's a disease like a mental disorder that makes you do that

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it's like hypochondria isn't it mmm or something similar similar but I don't think it's hypochondria

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but they have a like there's a whole thing with the reverse that glass fucking hate going

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to doctors nobody likes doctors or at least they shouldn't want to always go to the doctor

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I guess we should say we don't like which is like it's something like man just tell

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me what I got wrong doctor damn just get it over with oh yeah I don't want to go through

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the whole list of shit just tell me what's wrong be done you squeeze you squeeze my balls

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hard enough just tell me what's wrong it's like that's the issue you're squeezing my

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balls too hard next one we have is from throw away ra fish sticks they put I'm so effing

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embarrassed I'm posting on my alternate account it's so bad this isn't even my actual account

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it's not as bad as they're making it out to be but still I'll be the judge of that today

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I was walking my dog at the park at park and saw another dog pooping on the sidewalk so

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I kind of waited to see if the owner was going to appear and pick it back up he did appear

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later he approached the dog and played with him a little bit I say hey your dog pooped

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over there and pointed at it the guy didn't answer and my dog wanted to leave so we just

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left and I assumed he had picked it up my dog decided she wanted to go back to where

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we were before and we passed the same spot for the shit still decorating the sidewalk

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I saw the guy with the dog in the distance talking with two other women I'm super fed

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up to other women to two women okay I'm like he's talking with two other women like there's

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him and then two other women but he's not well the person that's writing this is a woman

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okay so two other women she should have specified yeah I am a woman if he was a fuck out of

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me I saw the guy with the dog in the distance talking with two other women I'm super fed

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up because I'm from a place where dog poop is an actual problem because there's a lot

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of people who don't pick up after the dog after it shits I pick up the poop approach

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the guy quickly put the bag in the guy's hand and say there since apparently you've got

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back problems I did half the job for you now you only have to throw it away in the trash

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hell yeah go me then I look at him he profusely beat the shit out of him then I look at him

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he was very obviously mentally handicapped okay job woman one of the other ladies he

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was with probably was too the third lady was an older lady who maybe took care of them

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as soon as I realized they had this I effing ran home because I needed a process what's

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just happened how much of an asshole am I where should I walk my dog now to never meet

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these people again and how the hell am I supposed to live with this knowing there's no coming

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back from the shittiest thing I've done in quite a while pun not intended it's unfortunate

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but I don't think it's so bad you don't have to put it on that's why you need to you know

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something you need to mind your own business yeah I wish a lot of people would it's just

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it's not your problem sew this shit on the ground I'm sorry to walk around it or if it's

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bothering you so much just throw it away basically yeah like I know like I know I understand

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where she's coming from like it's that person's responsibility but I mean if it's bothering

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you that much and then they're not gonna just leave it and if it's bothering you that much

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you picked it up like if there was a dog taking the shit right in front of my fucking car

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like where I have to walk to my car my to my driver's side yeah then I have like you

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pick up the dog shit every time I walk to my fucking car there's a fucking trailer

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shit right but like I mean it's a public park if I saw a guy's dog taking a fucking fat

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dump and he didn't he just left her I'm like well fuck there's a fat shit right there walk

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around yeah but if they did it on my lawn I'm like hey what the fuck yo yeah that's

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a little different or if there was no other person that had ever left the dog shit there

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you might say hey I'm like number one that's that's the first one that but I don't know

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if you went through the hassle of picking it up and then yeah you just might as well

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toss it yeah like just chalk it up is like he's an idiot don't be don't be Batman so

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if you pick up your dog shit I'll put your face in it just smash it that's a bad boy

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he fucking grabs the guy by the face that's a bad boy fucking hits him with a newspaper

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and dumps him in the trash can that would be fun you imagine Batman hey you gonna pick

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up dog shit or not fuck I throws a bat around in his eye and fucking blinds him that's what

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you get for not picking up his shit that would be some shit Batman would do what the fuck's

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wrong with you fucking find he'd fucking find him back at his house but to his fucking window

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you son of a bitch where is this bag of shit I walked all the way over here and fucking

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throws it in his face like you walked 50 miles to my house just to throw shit in my face

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you broke into my fucking home but yeah I don't think it's so bad I don't think it's

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so bad you have to post to an alternate account for that it's not that bad next one is from

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purple maiden they put I get socially anxious and very easily for example if I'm getting

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my hair cut and it doesn't look the way I want I can't say anything because I don't

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want the person cutting to feel bad I feel like that sometimes you just want something

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you don't want to say something right the inability to say something got me into a weird

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situation yesterday I was driving on the highway headed home I noticed there were a lot more

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cars than usual for that time of the day and they were all going super slow I figured it

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was a track like traffic for construction or something after about a mile of this I

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was still in very slow line of cars moving and following each other the car started getting

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off the highway at my exit so I followed them it was at that moment that I realized I was

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in a funeral procession the cars started approaching the intersection at the exit the police blocked

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it off so that the procession could stay all together all the cars were turning left at

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the light but I needed to go right to go home they go home as I approached the police for

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just waving everyone the same direction I rode down my window and started to speak but

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the officer didn't hear me and just tell it kept yelling this way keep up moving along

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just keep moving along I decided just to go left with the rest of the cars I couldn't

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get out of this procession and I wound up following them all the way to the home they

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were going to somehow I ended up being a pallbearer too carry the coffin all the way to the people

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near the home were helping other people find parking spots and once again a gentleman that

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guided me and my car into a spot damn man man I was too anxious to say anything my car

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was completely boxed in on all sides after waiting about 30 minutes in hopes I'd be able

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to drive home I got out of the car and started heading towards the house with the other grievers

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Jesus man come on now everyone was dressed in super nice except for me in a tie-dye shirt

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and athletic shorts I walked into the house everyone was staring at me but no one said

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anything I don't know what to do at this point so I ate some of the food for the for the

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guests Jesus that might be not saying something going too far yeah well it gets even farther

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eventually this woman started talking and making an announcement turns out her father

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had passed and we were in his house Jesus Christ you had to go you you lead you too

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she told everyone in her siblings that her and her siblings had gone through most of

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the stuff in the house but needed everything out in a few days because new tenants were

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moving in they told everyone from the funeral to take anything they wanted that was left

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any furniture decorations pictures etc people started going through this guy's stuff and

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taking what they wanted I saw a few things I liked and I took them I brought them back

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to my car when other people started leaving and now I have this random guy's stuff from

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the funeral I wasn't supposed to be at I thought you had to give a you a eulogy up at barn

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I've been fucking hilarious I don't know my you look familiar but come on up here give

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a you like oh I didn't know this man personally but I knew of him could you wing a eulogy

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that would be hard it was a good father an even better husband that would be very hard

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to do though he died doing what he loved what did he love doing not dying trying to turn

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into like a joke eulogy no nobody's that would suck too next one is from

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oh boy sorry for any typos or fat formatting errors I'm dumb that's a good way to start

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it off I'm not what you call the brightest person in the world I was watching some certain

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videos when I saw an advert for a fairly well-known adult video website pornhub there's that's

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the only one when I looked at it I saw they had a deal going on where you could get seven

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days for just one dollar and so I thought fuck it fuck it it's only a dollar and I

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can instantly cancel it so I don't get charged at the end of it here's where the trouble

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starts I go into my accounts page and there's information on my subscription and when the

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next billing cycle date is but no option to manage my subscription I take to Google to

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discover how to cancel my subscription and the answers I'm presented with aren't true

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the buttons I said or it should be there simply aren't I'm getting a bit worried as this is

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not I bet they they they disable them until you're like your next bill cycle probably

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now what you can you can get out of the free seven-day thing yep and after navigating

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the website a bit more I found a small button at the bottom of the page that seemed to be

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what I was looking for clicking this took me to another website and it became apparent

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that in order to cancel I would have to either call customer service support or talk to somebody

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live via live chat service hey y'all I need to can't there ain't not enough midget porn

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on here I need to cancel this subscription you guys offer you guys advertise a lot of

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bestiality but ain't none on here it's like a random machine but you nasty I opted for

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the latter since since I couldn't stand the shame of talking to an actual person over

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the phone what was the letter the live chat live show you just like texting yeah that

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just seems well that is but it's easier to where you know there's not the shame hello

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I'm this is customer service yes sir what can you do for you I just want to cancel during

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the live chat I had to give a bunch of information before it would connect me to a real person

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why do you like to watch frequently but once I was connected things they get any black

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babes we could not find oh you know there's plenty of those I do know because I have resource

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all of it the person on the other end would constantly leave me for extended periods of

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time before replying but every couple of minutes I would be prompted to type yes I want to

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continue the chat otherwise it would be closed I assume a tactic to make the cancellation

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process as hard as possible no pun intended after making some progress the person on the

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other end starts offering me deal after deal to get me to keep my subscription despite

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me turning them down and telling them I am not interested in any deals now hold on here

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what kind of deals we talking about I'm all about the deals what are we talking about

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here once the deal barrage ended they started the slow reply game again forcing me to play

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the type yes quick time event for a little longer before eventually canceling my subscription

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lesson learned don't spend money until after the deed is done so he did this before any

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of it so he did all the he didn't even get to do anything damn I would be I'd be stressed

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out after that it's not even worth it anymore exactly next one is from flame 1808 MK okay

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flame 1808 MK so this happened last week after the weekend I got away got to work on Monday

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as usual but the whole week I had been in the office with a with college that I really

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that I really do not like so I decided I will go to work for three days and then go home

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and since I do not have many vacation days to waste like this I decided that I will go

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to a get a doctor's visit pass for two days the fuck is he talking about apparently does

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he go to college go to work with both yeah that's very vaguely confusing yeah my butt

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in general he's trying to get a doctor's pass basically like a doctor's visit thing

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I'm gonna break both your legs after your pass so Wednesday evening comes by and I'm

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calling my boss that I can't go to work since I have a stomach flu and diarrhea and that

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I will get a doctor's pass for two days saying that I can't work he agreed and wish me to

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heal fast okay horrible typing I said to myself and made myself a I'm gonna eat a vegan dinner

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this will be important later I am not a vegan but from time to time I'd like to eat vegan

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food for about a week or so for health reasons as you know vegan food is plant-based and

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so it's easy to digest next day at 7 a.m. me and my girlfriend hit I get up from bed

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she was going to work around 11 and that day so we decided a nice morning coffee together

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would be nice and after that I call my doctor and say that I'm sick and I already got the

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it's so he ain't a plant-based meal that's easy to digest right which means it's quick

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to go through then he ate a coffee that's an accelerant yeah accelerant for shitting

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yeah basically he's a dumbass yeah so he calls his doctor saying that he's sick and he needs

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a two-day pass basically and that he doesn't need a checkup so she agreed that she would

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give him the pass later at 1030 he stepped out of the car and proceeded to go to the

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doctor's office this is the fuck up as they say the day before he had vegan food away

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why why do you already change it to a third person there was I I'm having to correct some

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of these words otherwise it makes no sense so okay I'm correcting as I'm reading editing

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as you're fucking ready you know how difficult that shit yeah there's so many spelling type

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when they're like typing errors and stuff and I already can't speak for the life of

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me he's like I must be must have affected his fucking mental capacity apparently all

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right so this is the fuck up as the day before he had some vegan food and then he had black

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coffee that morning not only coffee the black coffee yeah the strongest version you could

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possibly have he says I had the urge to fart and I didn't feel any pressure or anything

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he was still outside on the street and nobody was there so he did his thing instant regret

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as he felt liquid stuff pouring into his pants so he got the pass from the doctor and then

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walked home in shame so I still got the the pass from the doctor so that's the doctor's

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office yeah he had to walk home for 30 minutes through the whole city and browned pants Jesus

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got home showered trashed his underwear and jeans started thinking if it's possible that

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real karma exists I would say yeah so he got a pass to fake diarrhea and he believed me

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what he was doing he blew his ass cheeks out yes he did don't eat vegan food and then drink

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black coffee the next morning you know blow that shit out immediately I mean not unless

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your body's used to it like not unless you're a damn hippie the kind of Cartman hates other

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than that your body ain't gonna be used to that mmm that's a double barrel boom boom

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just run down your leg I've never I can't even imagine how uncomfortable that would

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be just having a fucking a load of shit just a load of shit in your ass cheeks with it

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with it nowhere to go 30 minutes walking and just fuck it okay actually scraping it

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oh it'll be like that one that we read a long time you can hear the bubbling too and you

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can feel the fucking like we're you can smell it like that one reddit that we read about

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that one some homeless guy going like yo you shit yourself yo this man shit himself like

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the other guy starts chasing after you change yourself he's got that one crazy guy while

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he's following you this man took a dump in his fucking drawers everybody and his pants

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turned brown they were not brown before wow they still walked out like that for 30 minutes

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I can see the shit say to you I don't know why you sound like a pimp from the 1970s then

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why not I was in Dallas recently and yeah like there's a few of us what the fuck you

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doing you a nasty motherfucker you know I got lost three leaving more shit on the ground

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literally man yeah that's that's horrible so we opened up with diarrhea we closed the

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diarrhea we always do you know what's funny there used to be this one specific food like

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I narrowed it down being a detective every time I ate this one specific food from this

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one specific Chinese restaurant I would blow cheeks like it was nobody's business to a

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painful degree oh like four or five shits just boom boom boom boom and I got like a

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12-hour span fuck and I was like man it three times it happened and I was finally it's this

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fucking food it's the only fucking equation or the only component of the fucking equation

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that I couldn't account for to my like you know yeah three times same food three fucking

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diarrhea spells I don't know what the fuck I don't know what the fuck they do with their

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food that shit would just blow through me too much vegetable oil maybe I see that fuck

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it in or injected in every fucking egg they would just they would just fucking it would

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just go like I would eat it right and I two hours later I dumped it all out seven times

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oh that would suck yeah Billy hope you like just burning like I'm hot ass shit no more

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and guess what you gotta ship them some home but that is everything we got for Reddit insanity

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this week and we will see you on the next one okay hey diarrhea