Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment.
We got a couple more Reddit stories for you today from today I fucked up.
Oh, that's the story?
That's the category.
They put the go-in on an actual tangent like, okay, I fucked up today.
I didn't kick anything today, so.
Oh, I should be breaking legs.
This is all from today I fucked up on Reddit.
Oh boy.
First one we have today I fucked up by going on Omegle.
I just seem to flow well.
Today I fucked up by waking up this morning.
So I went on Omegle, uncensored, to do what people do on there.
What's Omegle by the way?
It's that chatting service.
Like cat roulette?
Like video.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Man, I saw a lot of dick on that.
Man.
I saw, okay, with 99.99% dick, one pair of titties.
That's not a bad ratio.
No, it's still, still winning.
That made up for everything.
I was going around for a while before I connected with this girl and she added me on Snap, so
we face chatted there for a while.
She was asking for lots of special media information from me to get to know me before we started.
I like that sound of that.
But I was vague on my social media accounts where, and all of them are private anyway.
One thing led to another and then I'm getting ransom for $500.
God damn it.
To have the video not sent to everyone I know.
The account called me back and suddenly there's a man's voice on the other end telling me
I need to, telling me to send screenshots of my PayPal or they will start sending the
pictures out.
They started sending screenshots of Facebook accounts and pictures of myself proving that
they recorded the chat.
The best part is they didn't find my account, but some other poor so not related to me at
all.
So they started sending my wiener to everyone on that friend's list.
That poor son of a bitch.
Here's the thing.
The only way to prove like, guys, that's not me is by showing them your actual, even then
you're caught in a rock and a hard place, man.
I made a fake Facebook account message him to apologize, but I have yet to hear back
from him.
I feel really bad.
He got stuck in this situation with me, but in the end there's nothing I can do about
it now.
He got very lucky and learned a valuable lesson today.
Don't send dick pics.
Have her take, well no.
Everyone has like nudes of somebody.
I mean it happens.
But I mean, that's what I was trying to say in person.
If you know this person in person, by all means.
Don't do it online.
Some chicks like some chick who I'm due as an air quotes.
And then he fucked over somebody else.
He can't fucking prove him.
That's not his dick because he can't whip his dick out on Facebook live.
I don't have a mole.
Man.
It reminds me of a guy that at retail one day, he had to, he bought one of those prepaid
cards but you have to register those cards.
He was adamant.
He was on the phone in the store with the manager and the company of the card and they
were trying to get him through the registration.
So you got to put your name, your address and all that.
He's like, I'm not putting my address.
You guys will be sending me bills and all this.
He was adamant about not putting any personal information, right?
So it's like, I just want to refund.
And the guy, the guy's like, all right, so just give us your name and address and we'll
give you a refund.
So either way he was fucked.
He's still giving you personal information.
He was so mad.
All right.
Next one is today I fucked up.
Thought I had to pass gas.
Guess wrong.
Well, there you go.
This happened a little while ago.
I was toying with posting but decided to have to tell somebody using a throwaway account
while vacationing in another country where food is known to make you gassy.
I fucked up.
I had just woken up.
My stomach was kind of rumbling as it sometimes does in the morning.
My partner was still asleep.
So I quietly get up to use the restroom.
I quickly realized that I could not hold the gas in until I made it down the hall to the
bathroom.
So I did the discrete, I did the whole pull your butt cheeks apart thing so I could do
a discrete boot.
I'm standing at the foot of the bed, bare ass holding my cheeks apart and it happened.
No air, just shit.
Right.
Wait, he just blows out his asshole.
He didn't even get a chance to clench or anything.
Enough to shock me.
Right there on the hardwood floor, just a bit without anything in the room to clean
up.
I quickly slipped my pants on and ran to the toilet where I was able to finish.
Thankfully, my partner didn't wake up during the whole thing and I was able to clean basically
everything up before she'd got up.
Never in my adult life.
If you feel like you got to fart, don't pull your butt cheeks apart.
Yeah, that's a rule.
Man, that's a feel the fart.
Don't pull them apart.
You can feel the fog.
Don't pull them apart.
Man, that must've been something because like the difference between a fart and an actual
shit is a muscle.
It's a muscle memory thing.
Yeah.
Like you are voluntary.
So if you're helping it out by spreading them apart, they're going to, it's going to blow
out your ass.
All right.
Today I fucked up by pulling by trying the fruit roll up.
Tick tock trend.
The fuck is that?
If you are familiar with the fruit roll up tick tock friend, you take a fruit roll up,
wrap it around your guys dong and like a flavored lollipop.
My husband is a trooper and we decided to try it after a few minutes.
Wait, hold on.
Her husband is a trooper.
Believe me, lady.
Anything you bring up, he'll be like, okay, you don't, you don't, you don't give up.
No questions.
Yeah.
He's a trooper.
Like, oh, like I had to really talk him into it.
You know, sure.
After a few minutes, it's sticky, gooey, delicious mess.
After I'm working from top to bottom, I noticed there is an excess of fruit roll up at the
bottom.
Me trying to be a sexy when I'm not clearly not latches on to the excess.
There's a look at her husband and tries to bite it away.
This is where I messed up.
The fruit roll up was so sticky.
It was stuck to his ball sack.
God dang.
When she bit down and pulled with a fruit, she pulled the fruit roll up ball sack.
The guy yelled out, she, she did his ball sack so hard he was bleeding.
God dang.
We couldn't even take the fruit roll up off because it was so stuck on there.
It mixture of tears and laughing of five minutes.
We got it off and decided we never would do that again.
Then she adds an edit.
Some of y'all are a bunch of whiny babies over some tick tock.
My trend that I decided to try and it was a bust.
You live and learn.
And then edit too.
What the fuck?
Don't put sugar on genitals was the quote.
I wasn't shoving fruit roll up down as your wreath right chill.
His ball sack is okay.
It was a bite.
I didn't rip it off.
Yes, I did sanitize it afterwards.
Good as new now.
So she's, she's mad because people are saying like, yeah, the fuck is wrong with you?
All the amounts of comments.
I like it.
I find it funny.
I guess I don't like, but I'd like, I guess I should say I like, no, what am I trying
to say?
Not like I'm astonished at the level of prudency people have online.
Like you're not all a bunch of fucking freaks.
Oh yeah, that's what I like.
The hypocrisy of it.
Everyone always fucking walks in like, my God, that's the most you nasty.
So let me sit.
Let me look at your search history.
All right.
Next one is a by a guadio complex.
Guadio complex.
It says that today I fucked up by, I fucked up by complaining about the music when a nurse
slash tech was rooting around in my bladder.
Okay.
So rooting around in your bladder.
So she was up your asshole.
That's the only way to get to your bladder.
Well, up the urethra, man, just go to the butthole.
No way.
No, that's just a massage to, I don't know.
My anatomy all of a sudden, right?
You can't get through the bladder to the asshole.
No, you can massage the bladder to the asshole.
No, that's prostate.
That's the prostate.
Yes.
Your anatomy is way off.
Oh, holy shit, that would explain the bleeding.
No, go ahead.
This person put soap like a year ago.
I went to the toilet one night and discovered I was pissing blood dismayed to say the least
that would I would be dead, man.
I would fucking pass out.
I went to the urologist and he's like, yeah, you need a cystoc, a cystocopy.
Yeah.
Jesus, what the fuck is that?
Cystoscopy.
Listen, we did the thing.
He found a tumor in my bladder about the size of a matchstick.
Jesus.
We cut it out, tested, wasn't cancerous.
Something called a pun lump.
I lived to find another day.
What a relief, right?
Yeah.
Well, I still have to get the goddamn procedure every three months to check to make sure the
tumor, it doesn't grow back.
It's called a cystoscopy.
Anybody who isn't familiar with that, it's an outpatient thing where they jam a camera
up your urethra.
Man, that just sounds rough.
Man.
Let's just say it's not comfortable.
No.
Well, you don't fucking say.
Well, this morning I'm there, the nurse or tech, whatever she's called, is up in there
looking around.
Just up in all my business.
For some reason she decides to turn on the radio.
I don't know why she does, but she does.
I like to be nice.
I'm a good support generally.
So I don't say much.
But for some reason, everything that comes on the radio is just fucking ridiculous.
I think the first song was shake that groove thing.
Which obviously I'm thinking like my own thing during this followed by that's like a knife
by Brian Adams and if I could turn back time, but share then cold as ice by foreigner.
No tumor.
This time she yanks the thing out.
I'm relieved.
I leave.
I'm like, I can't be the only person on earth who doesn't like this.
Oh, well, life goes on.
Then I get a survey emailed to me from the urology company asking about my experience.
I think, okay, this is probably the forum for this sort of thing.
I leave a very lighthearted advice on the survey.
It's kind of weird to have share singing while you're getting your camera, getting the camera
jammed up your urethra or something like that.
Not two minutes later, just like 10 minutes ago from me posting this, the text boss calls
me and apologizes on behalf and says things were handled.
Oh man.
I insist that she did a great job and it wasn't even considering it and that it wasn't her
fault.
I'm just joking.
And that the hell did it mean things were handled?
It wasn't that big of a deal.
You know, like they killed her.
The boss tells me that they put her on indefinite leave of absence.
Damn.
And I'm like, what the fuck lady?
This isn't fair.
Is this something that's happened before?
Surely I can't be the only reason.
I'm not at liberty to say the boss tells me and then guess because I copped an attitude
whether she hangs up on me.
What?
You can't hang.
That's for service.
I feel terrible.
I'm angry.
My dick hurts.
Yeah.
I'm surely part of a masterclass on what the fuck not to do as a urology clinic.
God, that's weird.
That's the worst thing that to have beyond bad terms with a medical person that you deal
with on a regular basis and somebody that shows a camera out there.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's like I couldn't do it.
I couldn't.
Just give me the cancer.
I'm gonna fucking die.
All righty.
Next one is by usual independence.
Three eight one usual independence in the post of one other unusual.
Yeah, I guess so.
This is called today.
I fucked up by sticking my dick in crazy.
Ah, ah, a time.
A tale is old as time.
Yes.
Long story short, I hooked up with this girl I met online, showed her how to make a couple
of drinks for an upcoming party of hers, watched a movie and she asked me for a calf massage.
And then we went back to the bedroom so she could give me a back massage.
Took my shirt off so we could use lotion.
One thing led to another.
Yeah, I'm 24 and she's 40 something.
After we had sex, she wanted to spend the night and I said I wasn't comfortable with
that.
What?
You know, whatever.
She was not happy about that.
I suggested we snuggle for a bit and then I'll take her home.
She wanted me to take her home right then, completely silent on the whole ride back.
Yeah, no kidding.
I wanted her to stay so you're like, oh, now you feel like you're now you're feeling awkward.
I said, sorry, I just don't sleep super well with somebody else in the bed because of stuff
in my past.
She said, I don't fucking care.
You're never going to talk to me again.
Man, she sure fucking let him know the line.
I don't give a damn what she got to say to me.
As we were pulling up to her place, she said, you know what I'm going to do tonight?
I kill you.
Go to the emergency room.
I said, why?
Oh, no.
You can think about that.
Have fun in jail.
Then got out.
Hey, man, they can prove that it was a what's it?
No, if it's no.
Believe her.
No, I'm going to jail.
No, even though I'm 100 percent confident in what happened in my actions, I'm still
paranoid at what she could.
Yeah.
You're going to jail.
Welcome to jail.
Don't fuck a random girl.
Yeah, especially.
Yeah.
At least talk to her for a while.
First, let's shit.
No, no.
Tell men, let her stay.
Let her spend the night.
Jesus Christ.
Is it worth getting a grave charge on you?
No, I don't think so.
Then then you'll get to go to the emergency room, one turn jail.
Yeah.
And it won't be a camera going up your urethra.
Yeah, they're going up your ass.
Next one is by Planet Lux 16.
Today, I fucked up by watching porn.
Oh, many a day.
I don't know why you just.
Yeah, like everyone's life happens all the time.
You know, you ever see that tick tock trend where they do the fucking the intro to a porn
hub?
Oh, and everyone pretty good.
They look at their phone like all of a sudden you can tell the freaks.
It's like, oh shit, basically.
Yeah.
All right.
This person puts throwaway account because my friends are on Reddit.
So today I was horny as a female and instead of going to that, what's that?
The 23 year old female.
I mean, like if everyone gets horny, why is it going to be a matter of male or female?
That's they put.
I can see my face rarely ever.
Sure.
We'll go with that one.
Yeah, exactly.
They're just as much of freaks as guys are.
And instead of going with my usual porn searches, I tried something different.
A little background.
Me and my friends have been watching Game of Thrones, but my best friend watched all
of it last month.
My best friend, her boyfriend and me watched six seasons of it in one week.
Fuck it.
Well, while doing it in Marvel Cosplays, talk about crossovers.
We decided to watch the remaining episodes on our own.
So there was only two seasons left.
So I went home and watched two to three episodes more, but suddenly I got horny as one does
after spending a whole week without any privacy.
So Game of Thrones has been on my mind all week and thought to look up Pornhub to change
things up a bit instead of my usual searches.
You know, got to keep things interesting.
And I got spoiled hard.
No pun intended.
Never thought porn would get me there.
I clicked on a video of Daenerys and Jon Snow fucking.
I enjoyed it.
Don't get me wrong.
And only after the deed was done, I saw the title that said Game of Thrones, Daenerys
and Jon Snow season eight spoiler.
Jesus.
So then I realized, fuck, I'm not even on season seven yet.
Spoiler.
Yeah, I'll give you a spoiler in its ass.
So when they actually fucked or got together in the series, I tried to act surprised for
my friends.
We can see you later because, yeah, I can't really say I knew because I watched point
at the poor.
I saw Jesus.
So, yeah, I got fucked in all the ways.
That would suck.
So I'm going to watch porn.
It's spoiled the show.
It's just like it's ruined the show for yourself.
The next one is today I fucked up by making the women in my family think they had camel
toes.
All right.
This person put my family was at my parents house having a summer barbecue.
Auntie's uncles, cousins, grandpas.
It was a beautiful day and every night one outside was enjoying the sunshine.
I was a teenager at the time.
This is the summer the song camel toe came out, which is a good while back, I believe.
Never heard of it.
A couple of my aunties had heard the song on the radio.
It came up as a topic of conversation.
And as the only teenager present, they asked me what a camel toe is.
My grandmother, mom, aunties and cousins were all looking at me expectively, waiting for
me to share this knowledge with them.
Being a younger teen, a young teenager, I was embarrassed and I panicked.
So I told everyone that a camel toe is whenever your second toe is longer than your first
toe.
The minute I said this, everyone looked towards the ground as if their feet were in the middle
of a game of hokey pokey.
I have a camel toe.
My grandmother said I have one too.
Auntie one.
Me too.
Auntie two.
I realized the full magnitude of my error to my horror.
Every woman in my family proceeded to go say they had one.
One by one, loudly announcing whether or not they had a camel toe.
It wasn't until years later that the truth finally came out.
The horrific family secret.
During our Christmas or Thanksgiving, just to ruin the atmosphere.
It's like, look at a camel toe.
It's like, don't need to know that.
Sure.
As a teenager, I kind of get it.
I'm like, he had to change it.
They can't tell him exactly what a camel toe is.
Shit.
Everyone listen up.
I got a story to tell you.
I even put on here for people that are too stupid.
A camel toe is a front, a funeral frontal wedgie.
Yes, we all know.
We all know what it is, but he had to put the info on there.
Just in case.
Next one is by Dance of the Fires.
Okay.
Today I fucked up by shaving my bikini line.
This person puts, this week I fucked up.
I had potentially torn the meniscus in my knee and had an appointment with an orthopedic
surgeon who I've never met before.
I figured he'd look, he'd want to look at my knees and well, I swear since I hit my
thirties, my pubic hair has started spreading out from my groin area and down my thighs
like it's on a mission to reach my feet.
So I thought I'd save the doc from seeing my hairy bush peeping out from the sides of
my undies and shave my bikini line.
Fuck up number one.
Fuck up number two.
We used, was using my blunt as fuck razor that was already in the shower.
Shaved two days before my appointment.
Well, every single hair follicle immediately got infected or got angry red.
And talk about the itch.
Fuck up number three.
Cause I'm a dumb shit.
I continued my appointment two days later and instead of wearing loose pants that I
could just roll up, I tore, I wore tight leggings that of course she had to take all the way
off.
He got me on the table and did not give me a towel to place over my modesty.
He did some leg exercises to me and I've no doubt he would have seen my angry crotch and
probably thinks I have STDs now.
Hey man, it's not his job.
I just work on these.
It's like, it's like, don't look, don't look.
It's fiery red.
When she had underwear on.
No, apparently not.
She wore leggings only.
Well, that's her fucking fault.
That's why it's fuck up number three.
God dang.
Three fuck ups in one week.
I've been there.
The continual fuck ups one leading to the other.
Next one is by a viable visa.
This person puts today I fucked up, had a quick witted funny response in class and was
asked to leave.
I guess I win.
Pretty much.
This happened while in uni in the UK.
So university for people that aren't British and can actually speak English.
I study English and eventually got my degree at a high level.
So must have been doing something right.
When we were in a seminar discussing the book that we had to read that week, I'm not sure
which book I certainly hadn't read it, but there was an element to the book that apparently
torched or excuse me, touched and torch to touched on prostitution.
The seminar discussion then turned into the related topic of legal, local prostitution
and the fact that the street adjacent to our campus used to be a notorious red light district.
Whether it was related to the book exactly or not, the female for context professor,
I asked the class, can anyone think of a reason why there has been a sudden change and that
one moment there was prostitution here and the next it was not.
I knew that the responses she was looking for were going to be related to police action,
law changes, economic changes in the local community, gentrification of the area, et
cetera.
Certainly I recall thinking of these things that would have been acceptable responses,
but I fucked up and said something entirely else.
So as the first person to put my hand up in the class, when I was the only male out of
a dozen or so students, I said, perhaps they all just graduated and moved away.
I will see myself out.
The last that I was hoping for absolutely did not appear.
I bet it didn't.
Instead, I had every single person in my class giving me the look of disgust and my professor
suggested that if I can't take the subject matter seriously, I should leave.
So yeah, I left embarrassed and a little shell shocked.
If I'm honest, really, really have to read the room a bit more when making public jokes.
That's for sure.
It's a good response though.
Why are there not as many prostitutes here as there used to be?
They graduated and moved away.
Man, all the whores left.
Last one is from shiny divorce papers as opposed to what?
Doll divorce papers.
All right.
This person puts, um, I dead ass.
That's a good way to start.
I'm dead ass.
I did ask just had to call my dad and pick me up from school because I am ill.
I literally just blew up the toilet and the girl's washroom so bad.
I guaranteed that anyone who dared to venture in there within half an hour of the nuclear
shed had begun to develop several radiation induced genetic mutations.
I had been so thoroughly humbled by my organs in my 17 years of existence and the words
to properly and accurately describe the sheer and utter betrayal I am experiencing at this
moment escape me.
And I regret to say that the situation started above pails in comparison to the remainder
of this message.
Be warned.
This literature is not written to fall upon the mind of the faint of heart.
Mere moments before the diabolical dookie, which I permitted to lay waste upon the ever
undeserving ceramics, which we will call toilets, a young lass wandered unknowingly
into my new my newly founded radioactive decay zone.
The side eye, which he laid upon me, was all encompassing bombastic.
Why is side?
How would she say I'm in the toilet?
Apparently walking out after he just why is he in the women's bathroom, by the way?
A lot of questions.
A lot of questions that are coming up right now.
As the molecules of my shit brush the chemo sensory neurons that she had, I retreated
to the gender neutral bathroom back to where I hook ash to where two of my friends were
awaiting my imminent arrival.
Oblivious, the war crime I had just committed.
War crime.
As the pre class time drew to its end, I stepped out of the stall, still having not calm myself
from the horrific events prior.
My gut rich in fear grew as my eyes caught hold of the same lass which had witnessed
the crimes of my digestive issues.
There she stood once more bombarding me with that enveloping bombastic side eye.
Look manager loves quite the verbose wordage.
Yes, he does.
I fled.
I am home now.
I am still shaken from these events and I do not think I will ever truly recover and
neither will that bathroom.
Now with that woman scarred for life, scarred completely for life.
But that is all the reddit that we got for this week.
Hopefully some of those were as funny as I thought they were.
And some people we learned have very verbose grammar so.
We'll see you guys on the next one.