1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,720 Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity. 2 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:13,720 I'm Michael. 3 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:14,720 I'm Noe. 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:15,720 And we are the Knights of Entertainment. 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,840 We got a couple more Reddit stories for you today from today I fucked up. 6 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,560 Oh, that's the story? 7 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:23,560 That's the category. 8 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:28,040 They put the go-in on an actual tangent like, okay, I fucked up today. 9 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,240 I didn't kick anything today, so. 10 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,120 Oh, I should be breaking legs. 11 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,760 This is all from today I fucked up on Reddit. 12 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:36,760 Oh boy. 13 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:41,920 First one we have today I fucked up by going on Omegle. 14 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,480 I just seem to flow well. 15 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,120 Today I fucked up by waking up this morning. 16 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,880 So I went on Omegle, uncensored, to do what people do on there. 17 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:52,880 What's Omegle by the way? 18 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:53,880 It's that chatting service. 19 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:54,880 Like cat roulette? 20 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,880 Like video. 21 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:56,880 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 22 00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,280 Man, I saw a lot of dick on that. 23 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,280 Man. 24 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:07,000 I saw, okay, with 99.99% dick, one pair of titties. 25 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,120 That's not a bad ratio. 26 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,400 No, it's still, still winning. 27 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:19,600 That made up for everything. 28 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,160 I was going around for a while before I connected with this girl and she added me on Snap, so 29 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,660 we face chatted there for a while. 30 00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:32,200 She was asking for lots of special media information from me to get to know me before we started. 31 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,760 I like that sound of that. 32 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:38,720 But I was vague on my social media accounts where, and all of them are private anyway. 33 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,640 One thing led to another and then I'm getting ransom for $500. 34 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,640 God damn it. 35 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,980 To have the video not sent to everyone I know. 36 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:48,840 The account called me back and suddenly there's a man's voice on the other end telling me 37 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:54,740 I need to, telling me to send screenshots of my PayPal or they will start sending the 38 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:55,880 pictures out. 39 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:59,940 They started sending screenshots of Facebook accounts and pictures of myself proving that 40 00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:01,400 they recorded the chat. 41 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:05,840 The best part is they didn't find my account, but some other poor so not related to me at 42 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:06,840 all. 43 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,440 So they started sending my wiener to everyone on that friend's list. 44 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,440 That poor son of a bitch. 45 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,320 Here's the thing. 46 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:19,760 The only way to prove like, guys, that's not me is by showing them your actual, even then 47 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,760 you're caught in a rock and a hard place, man. 48 00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:30,120 I made a fake Facebook account message him to apologize, but I have yet to hear back 49 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,120 from him. 50 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:32,120 I feel really bad. 51 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,320 He got stuck in this situation with me, but in the end there's nothing I can do about 52 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,320 it now. 53 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,760 He got very lucky and learned a valuable lesson today. 54 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,720 Don't send dick pics. 55 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,720 Have her take, well no. 56 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:50,760 Everyone has like nudes of somebody. 57 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,780 I mean it happens. 58 00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:57,040 But I mean, that's what I was trying to say in person. 59 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,040 If you know this person in person, by all means. 60 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,000 Don't do it online. 61 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,520 Some chicks like some chick who I'm due as an air quotes. 62 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,720 And then he fucked over somebody else. 63 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,560 He can't fucking prove him. 64 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,960 That's not his dick because he can't whip his dick out on Facebook live. 65 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960 I don't have a mole. 66 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:15,960 Man. 67 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:24,120 It reminds me of a guy that at retail one day, he had to, he bought one of those prepaid 68 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,240 cards but you have to register those cards. 69 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,680 He was adamant. 70 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,240 He was on the phone in the store with the manager and the company of the card and they 71 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,200 were trying to get him through the registration. 72 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,880 So you got to put your name, your address and all that. 73 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,680 He's like, I'm not putting my address. 74 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,720 You guys will be sending me bills and all this. 75 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,120 He was adamant about not putting any personal information, right? 76 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,000 So it's like, I just want to refund. 77 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,800 And the guy, the guy's like, all right, so just give us your name and address and we'll 78 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:50,800 give you a refund. 79 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,040 So either way he was fucked. 80 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,840 He's still giving you personal information. 81 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,040 He was so mad. 82 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,120 All right. 83 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,120 Next one is today I fucked up. 84 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,600 Thought I had to pass gas. 85 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,600 Guess wrong. 86 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:05,880 Well, there you go. 87 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:06,880 This happened a little while ago. 88 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:12,920 I was toying with posting but decided to have to tell somebody using a throwaway account 89 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,520 while vacationing in another country where food is known to make you gassy. 90 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:17,880 I fucked up. 91 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,000 I had just woken up. 92 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,360 My stomach was kind of rumbling as it sometimes does in the morning. 93 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:23,720 My partner was still asleep. 94 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,800 So I quietly get up to use the restroom. 95 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,400 I quickly realized that I could not hold the gas in until I made it down the hall to the 96 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,400 bathroom. 97 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,880 So I did the discrete, I did the whole pull your butt cheeks apart thing so I could do 98 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:35,880 a discrete boot. 99 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:42,240 I'm standing at the foot of the bed, bare ass holding my cheeks apart and it happened. 100 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,960 No air, just shit. 101 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:44,960 Right. 102 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,480 Wait, he just blows out his asshole. 103 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:55,040 He didn't even get a chance to clench or anything. 104 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,400 Enough to shock me. 105 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:02,360 Right there on the hardwood floor, just a bit without anything in the room to clean 106 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,360 up. 107 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,920 I quickly slipped my pants on and ran to the toilet where I was able to finish. 108 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:10,880 Thankfully, my partner didn't wake up during the whole thing and I was able to clean basically 109 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,200 everything up before she'd got up. 110 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,600 Never in my adult life. 111 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,840 If you feel like you got to fart, don't pull your butt cheeks apart. 112 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,440 Yeah, that's a rule. 113 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,880 Man, that's a feel the fart. 114 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:24,880 Don't pull them apart. 115 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:25,880 You can feel the fog. 116 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:26,880 Don't pull them apart. 117 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:32,040 Man, that must've been something because like the difference between a fart and an actual 118 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,720 shit is a muscle. 119 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,280 It's a muscle memory thing. 120 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,280 Yeah. 121 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,280 Like you are voluntary. 122 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:43,640 So if you're helping it out by spreading them apart, they're going to, it's going to blow 123 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:44,640 out your ass. 124 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:45,640 All right. 125 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:51,040 Today I fucked up by pulling by trying the fruit roll up. 126 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,040 Tick tock trend. 127 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,800 The fuck is that? 128 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:58,080 If you are familiar with the fruit roll up tick tock friend, you take a fruit roll up, 129 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:02,760 wrap it around your guys dong and like a flavored lollipop. 130 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,360 My husband is a trooper and we decided to try it after a few minutes. 131 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,360 Wait, hold on. 132 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,920 Her husband is a trooper. 133 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:09,920 Believe me, lady. 134 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:13,560 Anything you bring up, he'll be like, okay, you don't, you don't, you don't give up. 135 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,560 No questions. 136 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:15,560 Yeah. 137 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:16,560 He's a trooper. 138 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,560 Like, oh, like I had to really talk him into it. 139 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:22,560 You know, sure. 140 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:26,040 After a few minutes, it's sticky, gooey, delicious mess. 141 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,240 After I'm working from top to bottom, I noticed there is an excess of fruit roll up at the 142 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,240 bottom. 143 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:36,120 Me trying to be a sexy when I'm not clearly not latches on to the excess. 144 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,000 There's a look at her husband and tries to bite it away. 145 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,360 This is where I messed up. 146 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,120 The fruit roll up was so sticky. 147 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,640 It was stuck to his ball sack. 148 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:45,720 God dang. 149 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:50,720 When she bit down and pulled with a fruit, she pulled the fruit roll up ball sack. 150 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:56,040 The guy yelled out, she, she did his ball sack so hard he was bleeding. 151 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,040 God dang. 152 00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:01,240 We couldn't even take the fruit roll up off because it was so stuck on there. 153 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,620 It mixture of tears and laughing of five minutes. 154 00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:06,720 We got it off and decided we never would do that again. 155 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,880 Then she adds an edit. 156 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,880 Some of y'all are a bunch of whiny babies over some tick tock. 157 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:16,720 My trend that I decided to try and it was a bust. 158 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:17,720 You live and learn. 159 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,480 And then edit too. 160 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,920 What the fuck? 161 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:24,000 Don't put sugar on genitals was the quote. 162 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,520 I wasn't shoving fruit roll up down as your wreath right chill. 163 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,780 His ball sack is okay. 164 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:30,780 It was a bite. 165 00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:31,780 I didn't rip it off. 166 00:07:31,780 --> 00:07:33,840 Yes, I did sanitize it afterwards. 167 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:36,180 Good as new now. 168 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:40,240 So she's, she's mad because people are saying like, yeah, the fuck is wrong with you? 169 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:41,240 All the amounts of comments. 170 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,240 I like it. 171 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,240 I find it funny. 172 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,560 I guess I don't like, but I'd like, I guess I should say I like, no, what am I trying 173 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:49,560 to say? 174 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:55,800 Not like I'm astonished at the level of prudency people have online. 175 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,400 Like you're not all a bunch of fucking freaks. 176 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,920 Oh yeah, that's what I like. 177 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:02,920 The hypocrisy of it. 178 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:06,960 Everyone always fucking walks in like, my God, that's the most you nasty. 179 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:07,960 So let me sit. 180 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,960 Let me look at your search history. 181 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,960 All right. 182 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,600 Next one is a by a guadio complex. 183 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:17,960 Guadio complex. 184 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:23,000 It says that today I fucked up by, I fucked up by complaining about the music when a nurse 185 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,200 slash tech was rooting around in my bladder. 186 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:27,200 Okay. 187 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,800 So rooting around in your bladder. 188 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,120 So she was up your asshole. 189 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,720 That's the only way to get to your bladder. 190 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:39,160 Well, up the urethra, man, just go to the butthole. 191 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,160 No way. 192 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,720 No, that's just a massage to, I don't know. 193 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,640 My anatomy all of a sudden, right? 194 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,440 You can't get through the bladder to the asshole. 195 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,120 No, you can massage the bladder to the asshole. 196 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,040 No, that's prostate. 197 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,040 That's the prostate. 198 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,040 Yes. 199 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,040 Your anatomy is way off. 200 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,480 Oh, holy shit, that would explain the bleeding. 201 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,440 No, go ahead. 202 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,640 This person put soap like a year ago. 203 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:07,960 I went to the toilet one night and discovered I was pissing blood dismayed to say the least 204 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,360 that would I would be dead, man. 205 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,000 I would fucking pass out. 206 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,600 I went to the urologist and he's like, yeah, you need a cystoc, a cystocopy. 207 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,600 Yeah. 208 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,080 Jesus, what the fuck is that? 209 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,080 Cystoscopy. 210 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,600 Listen, we did the thing. 211 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,440 He found a tumor in my bladder about the size of a matchstick. 212 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,440 Jesus. 213 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,320 We cut it out, tested, wasn't cancerous. 214 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,720 Something called a pun lump. 215 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,560 I lived to find another day. 216 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:33,560 What a relief, right? 217 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,560 Yeah. 218 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:38,200 Well, I still have to get the goddamn procedure every three months to check to make sure the 219 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,640 tumor, it doesn't grow back. 220 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,720 It's called a cystoscopy. 221 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:48,440 Anybody who isn't familiar with that, it's an outpatient thing where they jam a camera 222 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,440 up your urethra. 223 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,480 Man, that just sounds rough. 224 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:54,480 Man. 225 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,520 Let's just say it's not comfortable. 226 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,520 No. 227 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,360 Well, you don't fucking say. 228 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:05,240 Well, this morning I'm there, the nurse or tech, whatever she's called, is up in there 229 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:06,240 looking around. 230 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,280 Just up in all my business. 231 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,920 For some reason she decides to turn on the radio. 232 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,000 I don't know why she does, but she does. 233 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,000 I like to be nice. 234 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,540 I'm a good support generally. 235 00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:24,440 So I don't say much. 236 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:31,400 But for some reason, everything that comes on the radio is just fucking ridiculous. 237 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,240 I think the first song was shake that groove thing. 238 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:45,440 Which obviously I'm thinking like my own thing during this followed by that's like a knife 239 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:54,840 by Brian Adams and if I could turn back time, but share then cold as ice by foreigner. 240 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:55,840 No tumor. 241 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:56,840 This time she yanks the thing out. 242 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:57,840 I'm relieved. 243 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:58,840 I leave. 244 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,360 I'm like, I can't be the only person on earth who doesn't like this. 245 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,040 Oh, well, life goes on. 246 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:07,840 Then I get a survey emailed to me from the urology company asking about my experience. 247 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,800 I think, okay, this is probably the forum for this sort of thing. 248 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,020 I leave a very lighthearted advice on the survey. 249 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,360 It's kind of weird to have share singing while you're getting your camera, getting the camera 250 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:21,600 jammed up your urethra or something like that. 251 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:26,840 Not two minutes later, just like 10 minutes ago from me posting this, the text boss calls 252 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,560 me and apologizes on behalf and says things were handled. 253 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,840 Oh man. 254 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:36,360 I insist that she did a great job and it wasn't even considering it and that it wasn't her 255 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,360 fault. 256 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,480 I'm just joking. 257 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:44,160 And that the hell did it mean things were handled? 258 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,840 It wasn't that big of a deal. 259 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,520 You know, like they killed her. 260 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,680 The boss tells me that they put her on indefinite leave of absence. 261 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,680 Damn. 262 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,400 And I'm like, what the fuck lady? 263 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,400 This isn't fair. 264 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,280 Is this something that's happened before? 265 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,640 Surely I can't be the only reason. 266 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:05,240 I'm not at liberty to say the boss tells me and then guess because I copped an attitude 267 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,560 whether she hangs up on me. 268 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,560 What? 269 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,560 You can't hang. 270 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:09,560 That's for service. 271 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:10,880 I feel terrible. 272 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:11,880 I'm angry. 273 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:12,880 My dick hurts. 274 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:13,880 Yeah. 275 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,360 I'm surely part of a masterclass on what the fuck not to do as a urology clinic. 276 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,960 God, that's weird. 277 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:25,540 That's the worst thing that to have beyond bad terms with a medical person that you deal 278 00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,560 with on a regular basis and somebody that shows a camera out there. 279 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,560 Yeah, I don't know. 280 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,560 It's like I couldn't do it. 281 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:33,560 I couldn't. 282 00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:36,560 Just give me the cancer. 283 00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,560 I'm gonna fucking die. 284 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,200 All righty. 285 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,640 Next one is by usual independence. 286 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,760 Three eight one usual independence in the post of one other unusual. 287 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,840 Yeah, I guess so. 288 00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:50,840 This is called today. 289 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,840 I fucked up by sticking my dick in crazy. 290 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,160 Ah, ah, a time. 291 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:56,720 A tale is old as time. 292 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:57,720 Yes. 293 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,440 Long story short, I hooked up with this girl I met online, showed her how to make a couple 294 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,920 of drinks for an upcoming party of hers, watched a movie and she asked me for a calf massage. 295 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,280 And then we went back to the bedroom so she could give me a back massage. 296 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,480 Took my shirt off so we could use lotion. 297 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,480 One thing led to another. 298 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:17,000 Yeah, I'm 24 and she's 40 something. 299 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,680 After we had sex, she wanted to spend the night and I said I wasn't comfortable with 300 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:21,680 that. 301 00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:22,680 What? 302 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,760 You know, whatever. 303 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,200 She was not happy about that. 304 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,520 I suggested we snuggle for a bit and then I'll take her home. 305 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:34,080 She wanted me to take her home right then, completely silent on the whole ride back. 306 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,080 Yeah, no kidding. 307 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:40,760 I wanted her to stay so you're like, oh, now you feel like you're now you're feeling awkward. 308 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:45,240 I said, sorry, I just don't sleep super well with somebody else in the bed because of stuff 309 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,400 in my past. 310 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,160 She said, I don't fucking care. 311 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,880 You're never going to talk to me again. 312 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:55,640 Man, she sure fucking let him know the line. 313 00:13:55,640 --> 00:14:01,520 I don't give a damn what she got to say to me. 314 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:05,360 As we were pulling up to her place, she said, you know what I'm going to do tonight? 315 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,360 I kill you. 316 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,360 Go to the emergency room. 317 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:08,360 I said, why? 318 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,360 Oh, no. 319 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,360 Oh, no. 320 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:11,360 You can think about that. 321 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,360 Have fun in jail. 322 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:13,360 Then got out. 323 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,960 Hey, man, they can prove that it was a what's it? 324 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:22,200 No, if it's no. 325 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,200 Believe her. 326 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,200 No, I'm going to jail. 327 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:32,680 No, even though I'm 100 percent confident in what happened in my actions, I'm still 328 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,160 paranoid at what she could. 329 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,160 Yeah. 330 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,160 You're going to jail. 331 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,240 Welcome to jail. 332 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,720 Don't fuck a random girl. 333 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:40,720 Yeah, especially. 334 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:41,720 Yeah. 335 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,520 At least talk to her for a while. 336 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,560 First, let's shit. 337 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,560 No, no. 338 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:47,560 Tell men, let her stay. 339 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,560 Let her spend the night. 340 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:50,560 Jesus Christ. 341 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:55,360 Is it worth getting a grave charge on you? 342 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:59,720 No, I don't think so. 343 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:04,960 Then then you'll get to go to the emergency room, one turn jail. 344 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:05,960 Yeah. 345 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,120 And it won't be a camera going up your urethra. 346 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:12,840 Yeah, they're going up your ass. 347 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,520 Next one is by Planet Lux 16. 348 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,800 Today, I fucked up by watching porn. 349 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,800 Oh, many a day. 350 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:25,600 I don't know why you just. 351 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,560 Yeah, like everyone's life happens all the time. 352 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:32,600 You know, you ever see that tick tock trend where they do the fucking the intro to a porn 353 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:33,600 hub? 354 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,880 Oh, and everyone pretty good. 355 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,440 They look at their phone like all of a sudden you can tell the freaks. 356 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,440 It's like, oh shit, basically. 357 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,440 Yeah. 358 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,800 All right. 359 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,200 This person puts throwaway account because my friends are on Reddit. 360 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:52,400 So today I was horny as a female and instead of going to that, what's that? 361 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,400 The 23 year old female. 362 00:15:54,400 --> 00:16:00,080 I mean, like if everyone gets horny, why is it going to be a matter of male or female? 363 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,080 That's they put. 364 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,080 I can see my face rarely ever. 365 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,080 Sure. 366 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,080 We'll go with that one. 367 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,080 Yeah, exactly. 368 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,880 They're just as much of freaks as guys are. 369 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,040 And instead of going with my usual porn searches, I tried something different. 370 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,040 A little background. 371 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:18,440 Me and my friends have been watching Game of Thrones, but my best friend watched all 372 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,800 of it last month. 373 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,400 My best friend, her boyfriend and me watched six seasons of it in one week. 374 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,400 Fuck it. 375 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:30,800 Well, while doing it in Marvel Cosplays, talk about crossovers. 376 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,360 We decided to watch the remaining episodes on our own. 377 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,840 So there was only two seasons left. 378 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:39,820 So I went home and watched two to three episodes more, but suddenly I got horny as one does 379 00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:43,140 after spending a whole week without any privacy. 380 00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:47,480 So Game of Thrones has been on my mind all week and thought to look up Pornhub to change 381 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,920 things up a bit instead of my usual searches. 382 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,400 You know, got to keep things interesting. 383 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,720 And I got spoiled hard. 384 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,320 No pun intended. 385 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,320 Never thought porn would get me there. 386 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,880 I clicked on a video of Daenerys and Jon Snow fucking. 387 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,880 I enjoyed it. 388 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:02,880 Don't get me wrong. 389 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,500 And only after the deed was done, I saw the title that said Game of Thrones, Daenerys 390 00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:10,160 and Jon Snow season eight spoiler. 391 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,240 Jesus. 392 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,880 So then I realized, fuck, I'm not even on season seven yet. 393 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:16,880 Spoiler. 394 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,460 Yeah, I'll give you a spoiler in its ass. 395 00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:23,520 So when they actually fucked or got together in the series, I tried to act surprised for 396 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,520 my friends. 397 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:29,120 We can see you later because, yeah, I can't really say I knew because I watched point 398 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,120 at the poor. 399 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,120 I saw Jesus. 400 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,120 So, yeah, I got fucked in all the ways. 401 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,120 That would suck. 402 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,160 So I'm going to watch porn. 403 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,200 It's spoiled the show. 404 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,840 It's just like it's ruined the show for yourself. 405 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:48,720 The next one is today I fucked up by making the women in my family think they had camel 406 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:49,720 toes. 407 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:50,720 All right. 408 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:58,720 This person put my family was at my parents house having a summer barbecue. 409 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,720 Auntie's uncles, cousins, grandpas. 410 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,440 It was a beautiful day and every night one outside was enjoying the sunshine. 411 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,440 I was a teenager at the time. 412 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:12,000 This is the summer the song camel toe came out, which is a good while back, I believe. 413 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,720 Never heard of it. 414 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,320 A couple of my aunties had heard the song on the radio. 415 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,400 It came up as a topic of conversation. 416 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:22,440 And as the only teenager present, they asked me what a camel toe is. 417 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:26,640 My grandmother, mom, aunties and cousins were all looking at me expectively, waiting for 418 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,080 me to share this knowledge with them. 419 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,300 Being a younger teen, a young teenager, I was embarrassed and I panicked. 420 00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:36,360 So I told everyone that a camel toe is whenever your second toe is longer than your first 421 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,360 toe. 422 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:45,680 The minute I said this, everyone looked towards the ground as if their feet were in the middle 423 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:49,040 of a game of hokey pokey. 424 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,040 I have a camel toe. 425 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,400 My grandmother said I have one too. 426 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,400 Auntie one. 427 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,400 Me too. 428 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,400 Auntie two. 429 00:18:55,400 --> 00:19:00,720 I realized the full magnitude of my error to my horror. 430 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:04,700 Every woman in my family proceeded to go say they had one. 431 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:08,240 One by one, loudly announcing whether or not they had a camel toe. 432 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,440 It wasn't until years later that the truth finally came out. 433 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,000 The horrific family secret. 434 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,520 During our Christmas or Thanksgiving, just to ruin the atmosphere. 435 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,000 It's like, look at a camel toe. 436 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,040 It's like, don't need to know that. 437 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:23,040 Sure. 438 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,400 As a teenager, I kind of get it. 439 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,080 I'm like, he had to change it. 440 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,880 They can't tell him exactly what a camel toe is. 441 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:30,880 Shit. 442 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:31,880 Everyone listen up. 443 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,880 I got a story to tell you. 444 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,440 I even put on here for people that are too stupid. 445 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:39,280 A camel toe is a front, a funeral frontal wedgie. 446 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,280 Yes, we all know. 447 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,840 We all know what it is, but he had to put the info on there. 448 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,520 Just in case. 449 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,360 Next one is by Dance of the Fires. 450 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,360 Okay. 451 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,680 Today I fucked up by shaving my bikini line. 452 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,000 This person puts, this week I fucked up. 453 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,840 I had potentially torn the meniscus in my knee and had an appointment with an orthopedic 454 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,360 surgeon who I've never met before. 455 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:07,240 I figured he'd look, he'd want to look at my knees and well, I swear since I hit my 456 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,680 thirties, my pubic hair has started spreading out from my groin area and down my thighs 457 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,920 like it's on a mission to reach my feet. 458 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:17,800 So I thought I'd save the doc from seeing my hairy bush peeping out from the sides of 459 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,440 my undies and shave my bikini line. 460 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,720 Fuck up number one. 461 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,800 Fuck up number two. 462 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:28,280 We used, was using my blunt as fuck razor that was already in the shower. 463 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,920 Shaved two days before my appointment. 464 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:36,200 Well, every single hair follicle immediately got infected or got angry red. 465 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,200 And talk about the itch. 466 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,640 Fuck up number three. 467 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,640 Cause I'm a dumb shit. 468 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,480 I continued my appointment two days later and instead of wearing loose pants that I 469 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:49,040 could just roll up, I tore, I wore tight leggings that of course she had to take all the way 470 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,040 off. 471 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:55,440 He got me on the table and did not give me a towel to place over my modesty. 472 00:20:55,440 --> 00:21:00,440 He did some leg exercises to me and I've no doubt he would have seen my angry crotch and 473 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,000 probably thinks I have STDs now. 474 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,280 Hey man, it's not his job. 475 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:06,280 I just work on these. 476 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,840 It's like, it's like, don't look, don't look. 477 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:10,840 It's fiery red. 478 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,840 When she had underwear on. 479 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,000 No, apparently not. 480 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,000 She wore leggings only. 481 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,000 Well, that's her fucking fault. 482 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,000 That's why it's fuck up number three. 483 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,000 God dang. 484 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,000 Three fuck ups in one week. 485 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,000 I've been there. 486 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:30,720 The continual fuck ups one leading to the other. 487 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,960 Next one is by a viable visa. 488 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:38,600 This person puts today I fucked up, had a quick witted funny response in class and was 489 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:39,600 asked to leave. 490 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,600 I guess I win. 491 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,600 Pretty much. 492 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:48,240 This happened while in uni in the UK. 493 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,200 So university for people that aren't British and can actually speak English. 494 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,040 I study English and eventually got my degree at a high level. 495 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,840 So must have been doing something right. 496 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:04,480 When we were in a seminar discussing the book that we had to read that week, I'm not sure 497 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:08,520 which book I certainly hadn't read it, but there was an element to the book that apparently 498 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:13,520 torched or excuse me, touched and torch to touched on prostitution. 499 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:18,200 The seminar discussion then turned into the related topic of legal, local prostitution 500 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:24,440 and the fact that the street adjacent to our campus used to be a notorious red light district. 501 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:28,800 Whether it was related to the book exactly or not, the female for context professor, 502 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:34,960 I asked the class, can anyone think of a reason why there has been a sudden change and that 503 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,320 one moment there was prostitution here and the next it was not. 504 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:42,760 I knew that the responses she was looking for were going to be related to police action, 505 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:47,440 law changes, economic changes in the local community, gentrification of the area, et 506 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:48,440 cetera. 507 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,080 Certainly I recall thinking of these things that would have been acceptable responses, 508 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,760 but I fucked up and said something entirely else. 509 00:22:54,760 --> 00:23:01,400 So as the first person to put my hand up in the class, when I was the only male out of 510 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:08,640 a dozen or so students, I said, perhaps they all just graduated and moved away. 511 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,960 I will see myself out. 512 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,800 The last that I was hoping for absolutely did not appear. 513 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,800 I bet it didn't. 514 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:21,480 Instead, I had every single person in my class giving me the look of disgust and my professor 515 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:25,400 suggested that if I can't take the subject matter seriously, I should leave. 516 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,000 So yeah, I left embarrassed and a little shell shocked. 517 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:33,040 If I'm honest, really, really have to read the room a bit more when making public jokes. 518 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:34,040 That's for sure. 519 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:36,280 It's a good response though. 520 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,240 Why are there not as many prostitutes here as there used to be? 521 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,200 They graduated and moved away. 522 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:46,880 Man, all the whores left. 523 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:53,800 Last one is from shiny divorce papers as opposed to what? 524 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,800 Doll divorce papers. 525 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:57,800 All right. 526 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,200 This person puts, um, I dead ass. 527 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,280 That's a good way to start. 528 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,280 I'm dead ass. 529 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:10,520 I did ask just had to call my dad and pick me up from school because I am ill. 530 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:14,120 I literally just blew up the toilet and the girl's washroom so bad. 531 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:18,320 I guaranteed that anyone who dared to venture in there within half an hour of the nuclear 532 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:24,000 shed had begun to develop several radiation induced genetic mutations. 533 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:30,000 I had been so thoroughly humbled by my organs in my 17 years of existence and the words 534 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,600 to properly and accurately describe the sheer and utter betrayal I am experiencing at this 535 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,320 moment escape me. 536 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:42,200 And I regret to say that the situation started above pails in comparison to the remainder 537 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,400 of this message. 538 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,400 Be warned. 539 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:48,120 This literature is not written to fall upon the mind of the faint of heart. 540 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:54,520 Mere moments before the diabolical dookie, which I permitted to lay waste upon the ever 541 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,720 undeserving ceramics, which we will call toilets, a young lass wandered unknowingly 542 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:05,120 into my new my newly founded radioactive decay zone. 543 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:08,360 The side eye, which he laid upon me, was all encompassing bombastic. 544 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:09,360 Why is side? 545 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,000 How would she say I'm in the toilet? 546 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:17,680 Apparently walking out after he just why is he in the women's bathroom, by the way? 547 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,240 A lot of questions. 548 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,760 A lot of questions that are coming up right now. 549 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:27,840 As the molecules of my shit brush the chemo sensory neurons that she had, I retreated 550 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:32,920 to the gender neutral bathroom back to where I hook ash to where two of my friends were 551 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:35,480 awaiting my imminent arrival. 552 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:40,880 Oblivious, the war crime I had just committed. 553 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:41,880 War crime. 554 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:48,600 As the pre class time drew to its end, I stepped out of the stall, still having not calm myself 555 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,280 from the horrific events prior. 556 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:56,320 My gut rich in fear grew as my eyes caught hold of the same lass which had witnessed 557 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,640 the crimes of my digestive issues. 558 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:03,880 There she stood once more bombarding me with that enveloping bombastic side eye. 559 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:07,320 Look manager loves quite the verbose wordage. 560 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:08,320 Yes, he does. 561 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:09,320 I fled. 562 00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:10,320 I am home now. 563 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,840 I am still shaken from these events and I do not think I will ever truly recover and 564 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:15,840 neither will that bathroom. 565 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:22,480 Now with that woman scarred for life, scarred completely for life. 566 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,840 But that is all the reddit that we got for this week. 567 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:29,680 Hopefully some of those were as funny as I thought they were. 568 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,040 And some people we learned have very verbose grammar so. 569 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:58,080 We'll see you guys on the next one.