1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:15,720 Hello and welcome to Reddit insanity I'm Michael I'm Noe and we are the Knights of Entertainment 2 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,040 and we got some more funny and crazy Reddit stories for you. 3 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:21,040 Yeah. 4 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,480 What was that last one? 5 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:28,760 I can't remember the funky I can't remember the rhythm. 6 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,040 The song that is notorious at this point. 7 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,320 Alright, first one we have is by Mr. Taku. 8 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,120 He sounds familiar. 9 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,560 This person puts, I live 27 kilometers away from my school. 10 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,760 Okay, we know he's not in America. 11 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:49,920 Every morning I wake up at 6 to take the train to the nearby town where I used to go to school. 12 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,640 Today I was particularly stressed because I had a lot of homework yesterday and went 13 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:54,640 to bed late. 14 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:55,640 Damn. 15 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,080 I had no test today I wanted to skip school just for one day. 16 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:04,360 In Italy you don't feel comfortable going to school you can skip it. 17 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:05,360 What? 18 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,760 It's a law for students that hardly anyone knows. 19 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:14,200 So I get off the train and go with my friends to the park. 20 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:18,480 The train stop is in the middle of nowhere and our school is a hundred meters away from 21 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,480 it. 22 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:25,240 However, while we were walking to the park I saw an upside down plastic bag and because 23 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:32,240 I was stressed I decided to kick it like fucking Cristiano Ronaldo on penalties. 24 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,800 Inside of it were three brick blocks. 25 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:34,800 God dang. 26 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,400 I broke my foot. 27 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,040 The closest medical office was the one at the school. 28 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:44,000 So my friends carried me there and the doctor laughed at me for like 30 minutes. 29 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,400 He said I'll cover it in about a month. 30 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,400 Jesus. 31 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:52,600 Rule, don't ever kick a bucket, a bag or anything that you don't know the content of. 32 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,640 You don't know what's underneath it. 33 00:01:55,640 --> 00:02:03,240 I kicked that bag and turned out it was a landmine. 34 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,240 You don't know. 35 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,040 Why would you rule? 36 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,000 Don't ever go kick something. 37 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,000 Look at Aragorn. 38 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:16,320 He kicked that fucking helmet and Lord of the Rings he broke his foot. 39 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,800 The actor really broke his foot. 40 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,400 Don't kick shit. 41 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,480 There's all those memes going around too where people fill like basketballs and soccer balls 42 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,280 with like concrete and shit. 43 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:29,280 Why? 44 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,000 And then have somebody go kick it and then they break their shit. 45 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,000 Jesus. 46 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,000 Don't kick shit. 47 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,320 I saw two guys on YouTube. 48 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:43,800 They had a game where they were kicking a fucking bowling ball. 49 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,040 Oh my God. 50 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,680 So the guy drops the bowling ball in between both of them right? 51 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:54,800 The first guy, I don't know what the second guy did, but he caused the first guy to get 52 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,960 kicked by the ball, like on his fucking shin by the bowling ball. 53 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,800 And he's like, oh, he's out. 54 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,920 And then the guy slowly rolls it to the goal. 55 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:04,920 That's the second guy. 56 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,400 Because the first guy is already fucked over. 57 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,080 He's like, oh. 58 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,560 That's why you don't kick shit. 59 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,240 Don't kick hard shit that can break your bones. 60 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,320 And then you have to see, stop kicking. 61 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,840 How many knees, how many shins have been shattered? 62 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,040 That's the funny thing. 63 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,760 It's been the kicker that's shattered their chin. 64 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,600 Not the kicky? 65 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,600 Yeah. 66 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,480 Anderson Silva, Chris Weidman both shattered their fucking shins. 67 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:35,040 And don't go kick something like Cristiano Ronaldo. 68 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,560 I'm talking about, they kicked it. 69 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:42,080 Anderson Silva kicked Chris Weidman's knee because Chris Weidman was using his knee to 70 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,520 block the kick. 71 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:50,680 His foot went all the way around Chris's leg and touched his own foot. 72 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,040 So yeah, that's how far it wrapped around. 73 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:56,240 His own foot wrapped around and touched his own shin. 74 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:58,360 Yeah. 75 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:02,360 It was so fucking disgusting. 76 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:05,120 And just from growing up, you don't want to hit your shins. 77 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,120 No, that shit hurts. 78 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,120 All right. 79 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:15,200 The second one we have is by second illustrious236. 80 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,800 This person put, I was scrolling through discord with my friend, trying to find something funny 81 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,800 to send. 82 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,720 I was feeling a bit mischievous. 83 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,000 So I decided to search for something questionable and random. 84 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,080 Maybe a fish sucking on a needle. 85 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,120 What would represent a phallic object? 86 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,480 I thought it would be hilarious to send to my friend. 87 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,640 So I eagerly begin my search. 88 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,000 Without thinking, I clicked on the first link that popped up on Google. 89 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:41,440 To my shock, it was Pornhub that linked to fish pornography. 90 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,440 My heart dropped. 91 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:47,120 I immediately tried to delete it, hoping to erase the evidence, but it was too late. 92 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:52,280 My parents had an app that alerts them if I visit any adult websites and it gives them 93 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,480 all the information about the URL. 94 00:04:54,480 --> 00:05:01,440 My mind raced as I imagined my parents getting the notification and thinking I was watching 95 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,560 fish pornography. 96 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:07,160 I'm not sure which would be worse, if they thought I was watching regular porn or fish 97 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,160 porn. 98 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,160 I haven't seen my parents since. 99 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,120 Either way, I knew I was in trouble. 100 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:16,680 I confided in my friend about what had happened, hoping they would give me some advice. 101 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,880 They suggested that I create a story saying that I was researching marine biology for 102 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,720 a school project and accidentally stumbled upon the content. 103 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:24,720 And lied, son of a bitch. 104 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,560 At first, I thought it was a terrible idea, but the more I thought about it, the more 105 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,280 I realized it was my only way out. 106 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:36,640 I spent the next several hours researching marine biology, trying to make it look like 107 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,000 that's what I was really doing. 108 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,360 I put together a convincing presentation, complete with graphs, charts, and images of 109 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,360 different fish species. 110 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,360 I did. 111 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,360 I've just finished the presentation. 112 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,360 What should I do? 113 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:47,360 Jesus. 114 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,360 I heard a cover. 115 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,360 He's trying to give me a great murderer. 116 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,360 He went all out. 117 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,360 Graphs and charts. 118 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:57,360 Geez. 119 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:58,360 Hey, man. 120 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,360 You gotta lie. 121 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,360 You gotta lie. 122 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,640 I mean, imagine having your parents with a notification though. 123 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,640 Shit. 124 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,640 Yeah, I'd be. 125 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,640 Yeah. 126 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:11,560 It's talking about phallic objects, right? 127 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,000 I saw this video earlier today on Twitter. 128 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,040 Like, I like to watch, I don't know why I like to watch people fist fight. 129 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:21,840 It's like if they're guilty pleasure, I was like, watch me fist fight. 130 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:22,840 Yeah, like it kind of is. 131 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,960 I mean, you don't want violence and all that. 132 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:25,960 Yeah. 133 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:30,640 But sometimes just watching two morons beat the shit out of each other. 134 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:35,280 And these guys, this one guy called this other guy gay. 135 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,520 So the second guy beat up the first guy, right? 136 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:39,520 Right. 137 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:44,120 Beat him up, knocked him to the ground, started sucking his dick. 138 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,120 What? 139 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,120 Yes. 140 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,080 That's exactly what happened. 141 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,720 For like a couple of seconds, he blew the first guy, he beat up. 142 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:59,320 The guy that was called, the guy that called him gay, he is so now, now he's arrested for 143 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,880 rape and a sexual assault. 144 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:01,880 Oh my God. 145 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:02,880 What the fuck? 146 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,880 So the guy that was called gay blew the other guy. 147 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:06,880 So he was gay? 148 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:07,880 I don't know what the fuck. 149 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:08,880 I can't even, how does the other guy? 150 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:09,880 You know what? 151 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:10,880 It pits me off, but I'm going to prove you right. 152 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:11,880 How does the other guy going to, how does he feel? 153 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,880 Yeah, I bet you he's, is that ruined his whole fucking life? 154 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:13,880 Yeah. 155 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:29,520 It reminds me of Roger from American dad, where everything turns into that. 156 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,920 Oh yeah. 157 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,320 It was such, it was such a graphic, like you don't see the actual action. 158 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,320 Right. 159 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:40,880 Cause the cameras behind the guy, he's going, oh, but it's like, I was so, I actually shut 160 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:41,880 the app off. 161 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,120 Well, I'm done for today on the internet. 162 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:44,120 It's like, I've seen enough. 163 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,120 Yeah. 164 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,720 Like it's like, that's enough internet for today because it was, it's so left field. 165 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:49,720 Right. 166 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,560 You're just like, what in the fuck are you doing? 167 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,800 And the other guy just kind of like, he was like, he gets up, pulls his fucking shorts 168 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,800 up and he fucking just walks away. 169 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,800 Like, I don't know what the fuck happened. 170 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,600 Well, I ruined that guy. 171 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,560 Now we can see the more you know, go over. 172 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,920 Basically, man, that video was wild. 173 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:15,960 I don't, but nobody, I wasn't looking for first. 174 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,920 That was God saying, you don't even get that shit. 175 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:26,160 Apparently I should watch actual professional boxing matches or like those videos where 176 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,360 the guys fight and the guy gets knocked. 177 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,360 This was like in Africa. 178 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:32,880 The guy gets knocked down and to wake the guy up, they started checking him. 179 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,680 You ever seen that? 180 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:38,120 I was like, what the fuck? 181 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,120 It's weird. 182 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,840 The internet is weird. 183 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,640 Very much so. 184 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,920 Next one by West Coast Ninja. 185 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:52,060 They put on here, well, there's no point in making this anonymous since most of my friends 186 00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:56,300 and family already know I've been dealing with a case of painful hemorrhoids that have 187 00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,280 tended to come and go over the years. 188 00:08:58,280 --> 00:08:59,280 Ouch. 189 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,340 This time I wanted to do something about it because they have been affecting my quality 190 00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:03,340 of life. 191 00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:04,340 I travel for work anyway. 192 00:09:04,340 --> 00:09:07,340 Oh, that was, oh man, that sucks. 193 00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:12,960 Anyway, I went to my doctor and he gave me some cream, but it didn't help a ton. 194 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,880 They produced a lot of blood and I've even had to go home once because there was a tiny 195 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,960 blood stain that seeped through my pants, leaving a small blood stain where my anus 196 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:21,960 likely is. 197 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,360 Jesus Christ. 198 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,120 I tended to get a good look. 199 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,760 I needed to get a good look at it to see what I was dealing with. 200 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:33,760 So I went to the bathroom, stripped naked, propped my leg up on the bathroom stool, Amazon, 201 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:40,080 and took a few close up glamour shots of my anus with the flash on. 202 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,160 After looking at it, I cleaned up and went about my day. 203 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,720 Fast forward a week. 204 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,920 I finished doing dishes last night and apparently- 205 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:47,920 Hold on. 206 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:48,920 Hold on. 207 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:53,280 Is his shit connected to a cloud service? 208 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,280 Jesus. 209 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:55,280 Somewhat. 210 00:09:55,280 --> 00:10:00,240 This is a week later. 211 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,800 I finished doing the dishes last night and apparently used my wet hands to put my phone 212 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:04,800 away. 213 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,000 While putting my phone away, I must have accidentally posted it in the photos. 214 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,000 I took a week ago. 215 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,480 I woke up this morning expecting to have a relaxing day. 216 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:17,640 Instead, I woke up to dozens of messages, calls, and a Facebook ban. 217 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:18,640 Great. 218 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:22,640 They banned me on Facebook. 219 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,360 He apparently posted it to Facebook. 220 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,360 With a wet hand? 221 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,360 What the fuck did you do? 222 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,000 Why was it number one picture on the phone? 223 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,880 It's like post, post, post. 224 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:41,600 It sounds more like he's trying to find a reason of why it was posted now. 225 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:47,240 I would be like, yo, how is it that 15 pictures posted at once would be my fucking question? 226 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:50,600 I gotta delete some photos. 227 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:54,040 You know what? 228 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:56,480 Next one is by Mediocre Life Man. 229 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,040 Sounds like my life. 230 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,180 When I was younger, I really liked this girl. 231 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:07,840 We used to call on the phone and I'd often have a kebab and chat over FaceTime as she 232 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:08,840 went about her day. 233 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,840 He eats kebabs a long way. 234 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:15,040 He's just gagging himself right here. 235 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,080 She never had an issue with this. 236 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:22,720 She didn't eat at college or school, so I naturally assumed that she had the same views 237 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,720 as me. 238 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:31,040 I'm a meat eater who all honestly couldn't stand vegetables because of sensory issues. 239 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:35,680 One day we're out and about and I just say to her, hey, let's go to KFC. 240 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,960 As we're in there, I didn't notice how long she was looking at the menu, which should 241 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,680 have been a bit of a red flag, but just assumed she was unfamiliar. 242 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,120 I ordered a snack box and she got one too. 243 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:48,400 She picked out her food and took a bite of the chicken with a little hesitancy, leaving 244 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,560 half the meal but enjoying her chicken. 245 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:54,920 Once we went by, I take her to McDonald's restaurants their entire time and watching 246 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,360 her eat half her meals. 247 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,160 This man is amazingly quite the man to date. 248 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:04,880 Taking a McDonald's and killing all the fat people. 249 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:05,880 She was like, fuck. 250 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,160 I cut him off, man. 251 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,320 Put some effort into it. 252 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:15,240 And sometimes she literally vomits and I assume nothing and one day she says to me, remember 253 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,720 when we went to KFC? 254 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,720 No. 255 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,720 I'm vegetarian. 256 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,720 Oh. 257 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:20,720 I'm just anxious to tell you. 258 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,960 So she ate the chicken anyway? 259 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,160 And then threw it up. 260 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,360 I'm still mortified and feel guilty to this day. 261 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:32,440 I can't believe she was so genuinely anxious that she just failed to tell me that she doesn't 262 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,440 eat meat. 263 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,440 Yeah. 264 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,240 She literally ate meat because she didn't want to upset me. 265 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,720 Damn, that's a keeper. 266 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,520 Now does that include all meat in her, Jeff? 267 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,880 That's what I was about to... 268 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,680 That is weird. 269 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:51,680 Like I mean, if that's your lifestyle choice, how the fuck do you... 270 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,560 Like, oh wow, I'll just eat it anyway. 271 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,560 Yeah. 272 00:12:55,560 --> 00:13:00,600 And for the people that do it just for like, because of animals, like they don't want to 273 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,240 eat an actual animal. 274 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,440 How would you go and then eat an animal? 275 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,440 Okay. 276 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:06,440 That's weird. 277 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,280 You got to speak up. 278 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,960 Next one is by Overdoughnut4955. 279 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:19,600 This person puts, I, a male 65 year old Indian guy, am recently retired and have started 280 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,400 going to the beach in the morning. 281 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,600 Where I go, there aren't many people, so it's a very relaxing time. 282 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:26,600 Hell yeah. 283 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,720 When two days ago and there was no one in sight. 284 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,240 Something I always wanted to try was burying myself naked under the sand. 285 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,320 How about we don't do that while you're by yourself and the fucking hide tie comes and 286 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,320 you're drowning, Dad. 287 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:43,800 So I quickly dug a hole and got buried, my plan was to be there for five minutes and 288 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,800 get out. 289 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:51,720 I think I dozed off because while I was there, these two very attractive girls in red bikinis 290 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:56,880 came up to me, one holding a volleyball and kindly asked if I could move a bit. 291 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,680 Apparently I was in their volleyball space. 292 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,800 I looked over, I saw a bunch of girls sitting up in it. 293 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,880 This whole fucking beach, you go somewhere, I mean your space. 294 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,640 I'd be mad as fuck. 295 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,800 What do you mean this whole damn beach? 296 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:13,800 Just remember though, he's buried. 297 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,400 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. 298 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,120 You guys see me here, I was here first. 299 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,080 Go find somewhere else to play volleyball. 300 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,040 I'm butt ass naked. 301 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,200 The two girls gave me their hand and I grabbed and they pulled me up. 302 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,200 Oh no. 303 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,840 And I just heard a scream followed by a laugh. 304 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:29,840 Oh my God. 305 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,960 I had forgotten I was naked. 306 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,480 I quickly covered myself with my hand as I grabbed the towel. 307 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,920 I wrapped myself with it, got my things and just ran to the car. 308 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,520 Actually they would probably think that it was pulled off as they were pulling them out. 309 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:44,520 That's what I would think. 310 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,520 Right. 311 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,320 I looked over and saw the girls laughing. 312 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,800 I wanted the world to swallow me. 313 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,600 That's why they're laughing because that's what they think happened. 314 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,600 Uh huh. 315 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:52,600 Yeah. 316 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,600 Well that's not that bad. 317 00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,600 I mean it sucks. 318 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,600 I'd be like, well I'll see you ladies later. 319 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:58,920 And just walk off triumphantly, ass naked. 320 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:04,840 But the question is were they laughing because it was funny that he lost his shorts or for 321 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:05,840 other reasons? 322 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,280 No, it's funny because it's something unexpected. 323 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,280 True. 324 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:10,280 It's a fucking random dick. 325 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,280 That would suck. 326 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:17,880 It would be worse if it actually happened that way. 327 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,160 I brushed myself off, right? 328 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,120 I brushed the sand off my dick. 329 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:26,160 I'm like, so what team am I on? 330 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,560 Next one is by Angry South American. 331 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,760 Oh boy. 332 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,400 The question is, do you know what an Edgar cut is? 333 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,120 A hairstyle. 334 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,240 I am thinking. 335 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:45,440 Where it's kind of like, it faded on the sides with the bow haircut on the front. 336 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:51,440 You mean the typical Mexican haircut that all my cousins have? 337 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:52,440 Yeah. 338 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,440 Where it's like lined up? 339 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:54,440 Yeah. 340 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,440 Like a fucking bow cut. 341 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,880 Faded on the side? 342 00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,200 Every motherfucker had it. 343 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,200 Except for me. 344 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,080 Because I was not a fucking idiot. 345 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,280 Apparently it's still a thing. 346 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,440 Yeah, it is still a thing. 347 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:12,000 This person put, so I accidentally got an Edgar cut and my self-esteem is never going 348 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,000 to recover from that. 349 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:14,000 No, it won't. 350 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,520 You look dumb as hell. 351 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:22,080 I had a mid-length wavy hair with a low fade on the sides. 352 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,720 Basically a wavy modern mullet. 353 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:28,000 It went to the barber because it was getting too long and the fade was almost gone. 354 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,480 So I'm at the barber getting my haircut. 355 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,720 He's just finished fading the sides. 356 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:33,720 It's clean as fuck. 357 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:34,720 I'm not going to lie. 358 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:35,720 Fucking immaculate, sir. 359 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,560 And he asks, what do I do for the top? 360 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,120 I say take two fingers length off the front. 361 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,080 Thinking I had more hair than I actually had. 362 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,080 Oh shit. 363 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,080 He cuts it in. 364 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,080 Bam. 365 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:52,880 All the curls and texture are gone and I'm left with a straight Edgar ass fringe and 366 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:56,960 homicidal thoughts even though it's modern mitten ass. 367 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,160 He would kill himself. 368 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:05,000 It is a horrendous haircut. 369 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,760 Worst part, the back is still curly and long. 370 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,760 Wow. 371 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:14,080 It's going to be at least three months of hats now. 372 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,280 I can't get a bus cut because my head looks like a fucking egg and my hairline isn't as 373 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,400 strong as either. 374 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:24,560 I'm so glad that when I went bald, I had a nice shaped dome. 375 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,600 I don't get mad as hell. 376 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:35,040 It's like stuck with the egg or a cat or an egg, an egg hairline and even great. 377 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,040 Damn. 378 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:44,840 Well, oh shit, you can't get the buzz cut because this fucking dome fucking fucking. 379 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:45,840 What's his name? 380 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:46,840 Humpty Dumpty. 381 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:47,840 It's an egg. 382 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,520 Unless he wants to go full bald, I guess. 383 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,040 And then still an egg man. 384 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,640 How about the new razor? 385 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,640 Right. 386 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,200 I've got two round ones that are designed for the scalp. 387 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,160 It took me at least 40 minutes before with the normal one. 388 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,160 I was done in five. 389 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,160 All the way around. 390 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,880 Did you get a towel and squeaky clean? 391 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,920 I can do a wet. 392 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:17,080 If I use actual gel, what is it? 393 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,080 Shaving gel? 394 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,080 Yeah. 395 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,080 Because it works with shaving gel. 396 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:24,760 I haven't tried it yet, but man, I just slap some alcohol in it. 397 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,560 You're like, you're like, that's the freshness you need in the morning. 398 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,160 All right. 399 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,760 Next one is by snoo crickets. 400 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:32,760 Five seven eight one. 401 00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:33,760 Jesus Christ. 402 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:38,640 People can be getting original context. 403 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,040 I sleep naked alone. 404 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:43,840 Done and done and get hot as shit during the night. 405 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,440 Jesus man. 406 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,920 I love to eat fruit roll ups. 407 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,540 Harry man. 408 00:18:48,540 --> 00:18:52,000 If you're not familiar, it's the flat and sticky fruit snack that is rolled up into 409 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,720 a very sticky plastic wrap. 410 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,040 Yes, we all know what fruit roll ups are. 411 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:00,560 I was hungry before bed last night, so I snacked on one and just threw the wrapper to the side. 412 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,840 Not a total slob, just comfortable in my bed. 413 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,840 Here comes the fuck up. 414 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:10,440 When I woke up, I noticed I noted my dick feeling super strange, confused. 415 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:14,840 I threw open the covers to reveal that the plastic wrap that the fruit roller was in 416 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:21,880 had fused to my dick, making it the most eldritch horror fruit roll up imaginable. 417 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,240 The worst part was the pain of tearing it off. 418 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:29,640 It was similar to the sensation of waxing, but for your dick. 419 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:30,640 Lesson learned. 420 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:31,640 I'll throw my shit away next time. 421 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,640 I thought you threw it away. 422 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,640 How did you throw it in the edge of the bed? 423 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,640 Oh, that's even lazier. 424 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,640 I'm going to toss it on the floor. 425 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,360 That's how I ended up on him. 426 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,520 It's weird having to peel that shit. 427 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,760 Managing to pull hard. 428 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,440 First one's by GeminiTiger74. 429 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,720 This person writes, last night, actually, my wife and I have always showered with the 430 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,960 door open ever since we started living together. 431 00:19:58,960 --> 00:19:59,960 Okay. 432 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,120 Recently, for reasons known only to them, our cats have become obsessed with the shower 433 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:07,200 and started to come through the shower curtain while we were showering to pat around on the 434 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,360 wet floor. 435 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:11,560 Our apartment is adapted to accommodate a wheelchair user, so there's nothing to climb 436 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:12,560 over. 437 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,200 This wouldn't be so bad, but their paws get wet and then they go to the litter box and 438 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,800 they leave little white footprints all over the apartment. 439 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:19,800 Those bastards. 440 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:24,360 The other thing about our shower is that the water takes a long time to get hot. 441 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:28,080 Last night, I needed a shower, so I went to the bathroom, closed the door behind me, started 442 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,040 the shower, and got naked. 443 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,680 It was then that I realized that I had another pressing matter to attend to, and immediate 444 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:34,680 poop. 445 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:42,680 Now, to get personal, but generally, I prefer to poop before a shower, given the choice. 446 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:47,040 The door was already closed and the water wasn't hot yet, so why not take care of business? 447 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,240 So that's what I did. 448 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,800 The normal before shower shit. 449 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,520 Hey man, we all have those. 450 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,520 You don't want to shower. 451 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,520 You want to take a shit after you shower. 452 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:56,520 Then you want to go take another shower? 453 00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:00,360 Then you smell like an old man. 454 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,040 I sat down and started the job. 455 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,400 It was about a minute into the proceedings. 456 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,920 What are you, having a court case? 457 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,920 What's your shit? 458 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:15,800 And not yet halfway done, when my wife, thinking the door was closed, the closed door and running 459 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,680 water meant that I was in the shower, entered the bathroom to tell me something. 460 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,240 We locked eyes, and she looked appalled. 461 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:26,760 At her intrusion, I think it's not like she doesn't poop too. 462 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,880 And to make it worse, while I was staring at her, things were still happening down below. 463 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,480 You're taking a dump that she's talking to a person? 464 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:37,040 In two and a half years of living together, we've seen each other in some compromising 465 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:42,120 positions, but this is a whole new level of embarrassment for both of us. 466 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,640 After what was probably a second and a half, but it felt like ten minutes, she disappeared 467 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,240 and closed the door behind her. 468 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,400 We haven't talked about it, but I think we'll be knocking more often now. 469 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,320 Oh, and to make matters worse, she forgot to close the door so the cat still got in. 470 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,720 That's got to stay. 471 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,760 I mean, you guys are married. 472 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,240 There's very little married couples do not see of each other. 473 00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,400 True, but if he was sitting there grunting. 474 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,320 Hey, man, you still got to shit. 475 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,800 I don't want to see my girl shit. 476 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:10,800 I wouldn't care. 477 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,600 We'll blow that bathroom is what I'd be worried about. 478 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,800 Do I got to call a plumber? 479 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,120 That would be weird. 480 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,560 Like, I mean, you're married. 481 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:25,800 I mean, that's pretty much you see each other's shit, whatever. 482 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:26,800 Have her wipe your ass. 483 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:27,800 Oh, God. 484 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:28,800 I don't know. 485 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:34,320 That was like, it's like, it's like, that's not the worst I've ever heard. 486 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,720 Like a roommate thing, not a couple thing. 487 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:37,720 Yeah. 488 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:38,720 Yeah. 489 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,240 That's not the worst I've ever heard from Reddit. 490 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,480 Next one is no way that was hummus. 491 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,000 That's the user. 492 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,000 Oh, no. 493 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:53,440 So this person is, it says, so I, a 39 female, had a son, 15 year old male, and he brought 494 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,440 a friend around today. 495 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,440 They immediately went to their room. 496 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,280 She's 35 female, right? 497 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,280 Had a son. 498 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,280 39, 39. 499 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,440 39 female, had a son. 500 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,440 That's 15. 501 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:04,440 So, you're a male. 502 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:05,440 I would say, exactly. 503 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,640 You didn't have to add the male part. 504 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,640 I kind of got it. 505 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,640 It's a son. 506 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:14,920 Well, well, to be fair, today's day and age, you never know. 507 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,120 Hey, man, you tell me you're a son, you're a son. 508 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,160 They immediately went to their room and I assumed that they were just playing some video 509 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,600 games or whatever. 510 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,400 So I was totally fine leaving them. 511 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,400 Wait, who? 512 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,200 Her son brought a friend over. 513 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,200 Okay. 514 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,200 Another guy, a kid. 515 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,200 I'm assuming. 516 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:35,880 It was about 30 minutes in, whenever I was walking past, I heard sounds such as, oh my 517 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:37,440 God, that's so good. 518 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,680 And it's so good with that in it. 519 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,880 And various mmm sounds. 520 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:47,160 It really sounded like they were having gay sex. 521 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:53,880 I couldn't hold it in. 522 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,440 I was like, there's no fucking way. 523 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,480 I was super weirded out by it. 524 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:00,480 No kidding. 525 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,400 He literally went downstairs and waited for his friend to leave. 526 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,200 When his friend left for an hour or two later, I asked my son what they were doing in his 527 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:12,640 room because although I don't mind him being gay and I know it's normal for teenagers to 528 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,240 have sex, a condom really should be used. 529 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,680 So I planned to confront him about it. 530 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,260 However, the answer shocked me to my very core. 531 00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:22,640 They weren't having sex. 532 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,840 They were eating hummus. 533 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:25,840 I was shocked. 534 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,840 That's a damn lie. 535 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:27,840 That's a damn lie. 536 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,400 And initially I didn't believe it. 537 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,040 We were we have we had never had hummus before. 538 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,440 And I asked him to show me the hummus if it was true. 539 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,440 So we did. 540 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,560 And I had hummus for the first time. 541 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:43,000 And oh my God, it was good. 542 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,400 We experimented with different things in it like bread and carrots. 543 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,400 And it was great. 544 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,200 Apparently, his friend had heard how he had never had it before. 545 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:53,280 So he brought some over whenever they played video games. 546 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:58,840 First of all, the only thing you bring over for your friends is the first blunt of weed. 547 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,640 Not hummus, not hummus, bro. 548 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,240 What the fuck kind of. 549 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,840 But now, oh my God, it's so good. 550 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:06,840 Oh my God, it's so good. 551 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:07,840 I just need it in my head. 552 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:08,840 So good with it. 553 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:09,840 Yeah, bro. 554 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:10,840 What the fuck? 555 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,840 You know, God damn it, they're probably putting hummus on their dicks. 556 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:21,320 That was a good excuse. 557 00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:22,320 She bought it. 558 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:23,960 I mean, he had the evidence. 559 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:31,360 Just because you have the hummus doesn't mean you're using it for all around his mouth. 560 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:38,400 I'm missing the back of his underwear. 561 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,480 Next one is by I.S. 13799. 562 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:49,160 One three seven eight six seven eight six seven five three oh nine. 563 00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:50,160 Yeah. 564 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,160 Yeah. 565 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:52,160 Yeah. 566 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,160 Yeah. 567 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,160 Yeah. 568 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:55,160 That was for his gums girlfriend. 569 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:56,160 Yeah. 570 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,160 Flat out. 571 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,160 All right. 572 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:03,760 This person put so this particular fuck up did not happen today. 573 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,760 It happened last week. 574 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,440 OK, I spent a week in Tokyo for some hard earned vacation. 575 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,440 Hell yeah. 576 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,200 It was fucking lit despite this fuck up. 577 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,640 If you haven't been to Tokyo, put it on your bucket list because it's one of the most unique 578 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:16,640 cities out there. 579 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,520 Trust me, it's worth there. 580 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:19,840 So night one of the trip. 581 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:24,440 I realize I realized I had yet to try the buttons on the Japanese toilet in my hotel 582 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,720 room. 583 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:30,800 If you are unfamiliar with the glory of the average Japanese toilet, you should feel bad. 584 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,920 Look at the days they are insane. 585 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:36,960 Heated seats, but cleaner and dryer, bowl cleaner. 586 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:37,960 It's a real throng. 587 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:38,960 Dryer. 588 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:40,920 You can try your asshole to. 589 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:41,920 I'm there. 590 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,520 That's my generic US toilet and it's fucking place. 591 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,160 Here's what I don't understand. 592 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,560 Here's what gets me right about the days. 593 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,040 How do you know it's clean, though? 594 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,040 I don't know. 595 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,040 I don't trust. 596 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,720 I get that it's wet and you can dry it. 597 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:56,720 Sure. 598 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:57,720 Right. 599 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:02,440 But unless I put paper to ask and see if there's any stains, how do I know? 600 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,440 Exactly. 601 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,200 You're you're you're hoping. 602 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:07,360 Right. 603 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:13,960 But you never see shit stains in those Japanese porn movies. 604 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:14,960 I hope not. 605 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,960 You haven't looked hard enough. 606 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,040 At least there's no shit stains on their butt cheeks. 607 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,600 So that means that it's clean. 608 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,480 Yeah, but so is every other porn. 609 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:25,480 Right. 610 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:26,480 But they use bidets. 611 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,120 In America, we use toilet paper and then you bleach your ass. 612 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,080 You dip the toilet paper in bleach. 613 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,880 I don't know. 614 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,360 That's why I don't. 615 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:37,600 Yeah, I wouldn't trust it either. 616 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:38,600 I would not trust it. 617 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:39,600 I'm sorry. 618 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:40,600 My ass cheeks are dry now. 619 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:44,400 Like you don't have to have the toilet paper to make sure to, you know, make sure the kill 620 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,080 has been made. 621 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,400 So this person puts I had to poo and went to the bathroom to see the wondrous invention 622 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,760 of the Japanese of the Japanese toilet. 623 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:59,840 Now I'm no chicken, so I was determined to try every button on that glorious machine. 624 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,440 This is where the fuck up really started. 625 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:02,440 Oh, God. 626 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,160 After the deed was done, I began playing with the buttons. 627 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,920 I pressed one that looked like water shooting into the butt. 628 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,160 And to my delight, it did exactly that. 629 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:14,840 Yeah, a soft stream of warm water graze my biscuits, washed away all the nasty. 630 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,480 So you think? 631 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:21,800 In hindsight, the machine was simply lulling me into a false sense of security before what 632 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,800 was to come next. 633 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:29,160 What kind of fire hose level stream of water? 634 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:34,440 I decided to try the Gucci cleaner, thinking it was going to provide my delicate flowers 635 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,320 with a nice rinse. 636 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,840 Good God, I was wrong. 637 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:43,960 Immediately after pressing the button, a boiling steam of high pressure hell water pummeled 638 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,200 my unsuspecting nuggets. 639 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,880 To say I was in a little pain would be a lie. 640 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,480 I was in fucking agony. 641 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:56,200 I have broken many bones and even snapped a few tendons and nothing has come close to 642 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:01,200 the sheer pain I felt from this absolute violation of my man muffins. 643 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:02,640 God dang. 644 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,980 It felt like tiny salt particles were sanding my soldiers. 645 00:29:06,980 --> 00:29:09,520 My poor eggs were being scrambled and seasoned. 646 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,480 It was awful. 647 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:16,600 After the initial seconds of shock, I began to yelp like a toddler whose iPad had just 648 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:22,240 been revoked and I realized my best friends since puberty were being fondled by their 649 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,160 overly aggressive toilet wand. 650 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:29,800 I immediately slammed the toilet's button off, but the water demon simply did not want 651 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,320 to go down without a fight. 652 00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:40,880 As the wand proceeded into the toilet, the wand let out a little puff of talcum powder, 653 00:29:40,880 --> 00:30:02,840 and then it was a fiery anus in my twig and berries sort of blaze that simply killed over. 654 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:04,240 Then it charged me money. 655 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:08,800 As I fell to the ground, I grasped what was left of my manhood. 656 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:13,240 They were tender like never before, but it might have been a loving touch to reassure 657 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:16,920 them that it would all be alright, became sheer pain. 658 00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:18,920 Jesus, he just fucked his testers up. 659 00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:22,440 They were wounded and I feared I would never be able to save them. 660 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:28,040 In retaliation, I kicked my aggressor, pain shot through my pinky toe in the toilet glass. 661 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:30,440 He had another victim. 662 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:32,400 He broke his fucking pinky toe. 663 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,360 Well, he said, don't be kicking hard stuff. 664 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,120 We're not coming this way. 665 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,360 I hobbled to the bed and grabbed a mirror to see the damage. 666 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:45,720 After gently laying my pearls on the generous bed of hallow and ice, I angled the mirror 667 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:46,720 to take a look. 668 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,360 There was a fucking horror shot. 669 00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:56,520 They were dark red and some of the hairs had been singed off. 670 00:30:56,520 --> 00:31:00,360 God dang, how was that water? 671 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:01,360 They had shriveled. 672 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,000 They had shriveled. 673 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:07,320 It looked like they were the aftermath of a Satan blowjob. 674 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:10,680 It was not a pleasant sight in total. 675 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,640 The toilet definitely won. 676 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,520 It fucking decimated me. 677 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:17,640 I couldn't sit comfortably until today. 678 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:23,800 Thanks to the roasting of my sphincter, have a very broken toe and my gonads will probably 679 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,640 never be the same. 680 00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:27,640 So that was for a vagina. 681 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:31,240 Anything fucking no rough on it. 682 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,240 Holy shit. 683 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:39,960 Must be great for them, but not too much for us. 684 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:40,960 A Satan blowjob. 685 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,960 Man, that must have hurt. 686 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:44,960 Yeah. 687 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:49,920 You don't want anything to aggressively spray. 688 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:50,920 No. 689 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,520 The acid right in my balls. 690 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,520 That's basically what he's saying. 691 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,200 And then he tried to get retaliation to broke his fucking foot. 692 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,440 He's going to toilet, that's smart. 693 00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,560 You won't see one man break a toilet. 694 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:06,040 That's Joaquin Phoenix in the movie. 695 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,040 In a movie. 696 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,040 He's arrested, right? 697 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:12,320 And he's locked in the cell. 698 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:14,580 Philip Seymour Hoffman's in the other cell. 699 00:32:14,580 --> 00:32:16,500 And this was unscripted. 700 00:32:16,500 --> 00:32:21,160 He turns around and he just fucking kicks the shit out of my toilet. 701 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:25,800 Breaks all the porcelain and just fucking wrecks the toilet. 702 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:32,320 And Philip Seymour Hoffman, he's still trying to act, but he's like, God damn it. 703 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:36,320 So again, as you reiterated earlier, don't kick shit. 704 00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:37,760 Yeah, don't kick hard shit. 705 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,080 Because it might hurt you. 706 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,080 Mostly if you're barefoot. 707 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,080 Yeah. 708 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,800 Plus you don't have the strength to your nuts are caved in. 709 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,240 You got the God damn Casino Royale James Bond treatment. 710 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:50,960 You ever seen that movie? 711 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:57,000 He's just in that chair and the guy's just like, boom, boom, hitting his nutsack. 712 00:32:57,000 --> 00:33:02,440 And then he hit his nutsack so bad, that man was in a wheelchair toward the third half 713 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:03,440 of the movie. 714 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:04,800 I remember that. 715 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:08,920 I was like, I would have told that man everything he wanted to know. 716 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:16,680 There's a guy that makes YouTube videos where it's, if a person that, what's the name of 717 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:17,680 it again? 718 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:22,200 Where if a real person was in a torture chamber, it's like they said the guy gives a whole 719 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,480 speech and then at the end, he's at the speech. 720 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,680 The guy's like, yeah, I'll tell you whatever you want to know. 721 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:28,480 But I did the whole speech. 722 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,880 Like, I don't get to do anything. 723 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:32,480 It's like, no, why would I not tell you? 724 00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:36,080 You're like, why the fuck would I get tortured? 725 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:39,960 I'll tell you whatever you want to know. 726 00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:43,040 But come on, hold out for like a minute. 727 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,400 It's like, no, I'll tell you whatever I'll write it down to for you. 728 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:48,080 And I've seen some of those torture devices. 729 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:49,080 They are horrendous. 730 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:51,400 I'll tell you whatever you want to fucking know. 731 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:53,040 There's one that they put in your mouth right? 732 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,040 Yeah. 733 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:58,440 And as they turn it, it gets, it opens wider and widest opens your jaw wider and eventually 734 00:33:58,440 --> 00:33:59,440 cracked your jaw. 735 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:00,920 And it cracks your fucking jaw. 736 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,480 Then they put it right up your butthole. 737 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:05,640 They crack your butthole too. 738 00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,360 There's that one where it's like a, it's like a diamond. 739 00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:08,360 Oh yeah. 740 00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:09,360 Where you sit on it. 741 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:10,360 Yeah. 742 00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:11,360 And then they put weights on either end. 743 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:12,360 Yeah. 744 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:13,360 And then it just fucking splits you in half. 745 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:14,360 Oh. 746 00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:15,360 The long way. 747 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:19,280 See the worst that I can think of is a flame. 748 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,760 My nose is stuffy. 749 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:22,760 Yeah. 750 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:23,760 I would not want that. 751 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:27,840 Where they take your skin, pill it and then go under it and take your skin off. 752 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:28,840 They take your skin off. 753 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:29,840 So some salt on there too. 754 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:30,840 You used to be a dick. 755 00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:31,840 Lemon juice. 756 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:37,360 There's one where they, they, they put you on a pole, right? 757 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:38,360 But but whole first. 758 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,240 Say, but it's, it's like a blunt. 759 00:34:40,240 --> 00:34:42,040 It's not like a spike. 760 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:43,040 It's an actual blunt. 761 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:46,560 It's just a, I will in today's day and age, there's some people that probably might want 762 00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:47,560 that. 763 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:49,560 Not, not with your body weight putting you down. 764 00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:53,560 So it pretty much goes up your fucking stomach. 765 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:57,440 There's some freaks out there and they don't want freaks to death. 766 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:58,440 Well you can necrophilia. 767 00:34:58,440 --> 00:34:59,440 So nevermind. 768 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,560 But that is everything for Reddit insanity this weekend. 769 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,200 We will see you guys next time. 770 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:06,360 God, I'll tell you everything. 771 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:18,640 Just don't torture me.