Hello and welcome to Reddit Insanity.
I am Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment.
We have a couple of Reddit stories for you guys here today.
Number one is by RGBow.
This is posted nine years ago.
I think.
And they put, we were camping, two girls, two guys, and we all slept in one big tent.
At some point, one of the girls wanted to pee and was too scared to go out into the
dark alone.
So, I went with her and the other guy and the other girl followed us for some reason.
Anyway, all is good and well.
We get back to the tent.
A raccoon jumps out with a big bag of chips and runs into the bush.
No big deal, I guess.
We check the tent to make sure there isn't another one running around in there.
Nada.
We get back inside and play cards.
Sometime later, we start hearing noises outside of the tent.
We had a window flaps on both sides.
We open them and we see 10 pairs of eyes just watching our tent.
Jesus.
While some of them were probably fighting over the remains of the bag of chips.
Luckily, one of the girls had a lock on her, so we decided to put it on the entrance.
As soon as we put it on, one of those suckers tried to break in.
Fuck.
Friends couldn't sleep the rest of the night.
Raccoons just stayed and stared.
I slept like a baby.
What?
Raccoons just watching them?
Fucking perverts.
They thought there was going to be something else going on.
Probably.
That wasn't a fucking start, yo.
Alrighty, next one is by Alien Cricket, eight years ago.
Alright, this is the first time I ejaculated.
We're starting hot as fuck on this.
Out the gate, the first fucking time I jerked off for the first time.
I was 13, I was at summer camp.
I was wearing jorts.
We went over what jorts are before, those are jean shorts.
We sure have, once someone shit threw them.
As was the style at the time.
We were doing the indoor rock climbing wall, and I was about halfway up when my partner,
who was belaying me, asked if she could tie me off so she could go to the bathroom.
So I'm swinging back and forth up there in those really tight rock climbing harnesses
over jorts.
He wants to be like, God dang this fucking feels amazing.
And then there was friction.
Yeah, you know what this is going.
Barely had time to process what was happening before my balls felt like they were sneezing
and then it was over.
The harness never returned my phone calls though.
Jesus.
It's a weird way to have your first time.
It's just, ahhh, while you're hanging in the middle here.
And you're trying to replicate it and it's never the same.
Alrighty, next one.
More random thoughts posted by you wise carrot four or five one.
Okay.
They put on here.
I can't tell you how many times I've been trying to make my way down an aisle and someone
will put their cart on one side and themselves adjacent to the cart, blankly staring at the
shelves for minutes on end, blocking the entire aisle.
Then as soon as you get directly next to them, they seem completely unaware that you're
right next to them and trying to get past them.
Then you have to ask them to move or when two people are having a conversation and we'll
sit side by side blocking the whole aisle.
Then look at you like you have eight heads.
Fucking can't stand that.
Do that shit at the end caps.
It's just fucking annoying.
Blocking the whole God dang way.
I'll tell you one of the places that has the worst people to get in your way like that
five below.
Really?
Like a motherfucker.
God dang.
Get the hell out the damn way.
They just fucking stare at you like I can't understand English.
I don't understand what the fuck you're saying.
Jesus.
It's like but it's all middle aged mom.
Oh yeah.
It's like 99% of like Dollar Tree.
Yeah.
And a dollar store customers.
Yeah.
It's like women.
To be fair, Dollar Tree, Dollar Store has their carts lined up because they never put
anything up.
Yeah.
They don't give a damn.
There's been some dollar stores where like it looks like a fucking hurricane.
There's just shit everywhere.
You're just walking in like God.
You gotta squeeze around the U-boats and stuff.
Like a fucking the kids that looks like a fucking catastrophe.
All righty.
The next one is by Boris the Adventurer from five years ago.
I put, I don't give a shit if this gets buried.
I hesitate to call it embarrassing because it was funny then and it's funny now.
Anyway, I was having sex with my ex in the shower.
Okay.
When I-
Were they exes at the time or was when they were together?
This is when they were together.
Okay.
He didn't specify that.
Like we were fucking one last time.
No.
Me and my ex.
When I decided to use a little trick I had learned from Reddit, apparently pinching the
tip of your dong while you're edging can help you prevent ejaculation.
Allowing you to continue or some bullshit.
I was getting close so I pulled out and I pinched that fucker instead of preventing
me from letting loose.
It built up high pressure and blasted my ass in the chin.
Why would you listen to anything Reddit tells you to do?
For the lulz?
For the lulz, baby.
I would take advice from these people.
We've already read so many, we've had people shit in their jorts.
We've had people cum in their jorts.
I wouldn't listen to any advice.
One advice I do give is don't buy jorts.
Pretty much, yeah, because you're always going to cum into some kind of issue.
Apparently, yeah.
Any fecal or fluid.
Any bodily fluid?
Yeah, in jorts just multiplies it by ten.
Next you're going to have somebody that pissed themselves in the home.
Good God.
I once went to the bathroom and I blew the shit out of my zipper.
Trying to zip it back up and just fucking, like, I can't anymore.
I had those pets for like two years.
So then I always got work too.
So I was like, manager, I need to stay at the register for the rest of the day.
I can't do anything else.
And I just stuck, pretty much just shoved it up against the counter so no one could
see.
But I had a female friend, close friend, one would say too close, who kept, once she found
out she kept staring at it, at the fucking burst.
I don't know what happened.
My G just exploded.
Say?
My fucking, fucking, my khaki pants and the fucking zipper just blew out.
This dog was too much apparently.
All righty.
Next one is from 11 years ago by Mitt Romney's platform.
How the fuck, how long have we been around?
Jesus Christ.
For a while.
This is from 1993.
This is from 1962.
Already back when it was a book format.
All righty.
They put, I finished early and dozed off at my desk with my head resting on my arms.
That sounded way different.
I finished early and I just knocked out.
Like damn, you jacked off that quick and passed out.
The position also forced my butt to be aimed outwards at the people behind me.
I in the midst of my slumber, I proceeded to let loose a fart that reverberated through
the classroom.
God dang.
This startled myself quite a bit and I was instinctively jolted awake.
The next few seconds for spin pretending I was asleep and hoping no one knew it was me.
You wake up and the whole fucking classroom is looking dead at you.
That's like one of those like school nightmares.
Yeah.
That and then coming to school with no pants on or.
Man, one of the worst is like in my dream I was just sitting at a desk, right?
Yeah.
And I'm like, if I don't move around, no one will realize that I'm butt ass naked.
And that was like, in my head, I was having inner monologue of it myself in my dream.
Like in my dream in my dreams head, I was like, damn, I'm butt ass naked.
If I don't move, they won't know.
How the fuck do I get out of this situation?
And then I wake up, I kid you not wake up, I'm like, oh God, I'm not butt ass naked.
That's like just a nightmare.
Yeah.
So pretty much.
I think everybody has it, but for the most part.
It's so weird.
Like it's so surreal.
Yeah.
And this poor bastard thought it was how he was hoping it was a dream.
Like a blue cheeks.
Like no.
Fucking wakes up in half the class looking at you.
And once he used the word reverberating.
I mean, Jesus Christ, the fucking just, did the desk just start fucking rocking all the
way down like a wave?
It's like my, the teacher's like, my God, I haven't had a fart like that in 15 years.
Alrighty.
Next one is by um, Cloquetray.
Okay.
I believe that's how it's pronounced.
Close enough.
Four years ago.
They comment later.
It's actually this.
It's pronounced this way.
Okay.
This one is I worked at the entrance gate for a theme park.
Our season pass holders used a biometric scan on their right index finger.
So they're fancy.
I'm probably like Disney or something.
Ooh, Disney with their bullshit to verify their identity.
One day a little girl walks up with her family who only spoke Spanish scans her pass and
places her finger on the scanner.
I say, can you use your right?
Your right finger, sweetie.
Then her finger raises a girl's arm to show me she doesn't actually have a right hand.
How far probably quit that day.
Seem to be due to a birth defect rather than a horrific accident.
However, her left finger keeps getting rejected.
So I call the lead over to override the old scan and redo it.
He then proceeds to say the same thing to the girl followed by her mother raising the
arm again.
Oh God.
It was definitely more awkward for me than the family, but it got, it gets worse.
About three months later, it happened again.
The same girl.
Absolutely mortifying.
Three months later, Jesus, that would suck so bad.
So he was that little girl did not fix the left handed thing.
Apparently they might have, but I don't know.
Unless it's just like whenever they scan the pass, you know, instinctively they went to
go put the left finger.
So he's probably like, it needs to be your right hand.
And she's like, I ain't got no right hand.
We covered this three months ago.
That would suck so bad.
I should tell you this being in retail, I don't know, would that be considered retail
sorta?
Not really.
Well, customer service, I guess.
Yeah.
But being like retail customer service, the customers who just meet you.
Right.
And you know, then they go about their day.
They don't realize that you've meet hundreds.
Right.
On a weekly basis.
So they're always like, Oh, what's up?
How you been?
I'm like, I don't know who the fuck you are, but how you been, sir?
I mean, the only way that I just assume that you're going to remember them like for like
fucking minute, whatever interaction you have with them to the minute, minute is detail.
The only way that that makes any sense is if you're like daily and you see the same
person over and over and over.
But if it's like one person, like six months apart.
Yeah.
You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
It's like, I really don't remember you, dude.
There's this one guy, this older guy, he comes in like, are you doing me boy?
You been good?
I'm like, Oh, here we go.
He comes in regularly.
Let me shake your hand.
I have a good Christmas.
Like my ear.
Like I could a hundred percent tell he's trying to hit on me.
I'm like, I'm not, I'm the wrong.
I'm the wrong.
I'm not into dudes, which I apologize.
That's my premise is all the ladies, but he's so fucking just so one of these days of panel
for him to come up and get stuffed into probably.
I don't know.
Like you see so like, you can just tell the desperation.
Don't you?
It was like, you got a strong body on you.
It's gonna work out.
You're like, no, I'm just, I was just naturally strong.
Just like me.
Like a rips his shirt off.
Look at these fucking days.
Like I try to be nice, but what are you telling you?
What do I tell this guy?
Just don't take any food or anything offered by him.
Have this, have this fucking Bill Cosby Kool-Aid I made or not.
What are you like?
He has me a drink.
Like I got this recipe, some milk Cosby fucking pass out.
I don't know.
It's just weird.
These are the joys of retail.
Or I have like the worst interaction like this lady's, her fucking, one of these, one
of these gallons of water was fucking smashed down the top, right?
So I'm yanking on him like, and I couldn't, I'm like, I'm sorry, man.
I couldn't get it up for you.
I said that word for word.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
I couldn't get it up for you.
And I'm like, oh, why did I say it like that?
I just couldn't get it up.
It's like you might need to see a doctor.
Another time this lady was like, I was, I was just standing there and she's like, Hey,
you, oh yeah.
Can you do me?
I'm like, I started looking around.
She meant to say, can you tell me?
Yeah.
She said, can you?
And she knew she fucked up.
Because she tried to start a conversation to kind of run.
Let me ask you a quick question.
It's too late, ma'am.
Should have steered in my memory.
That feels like creepy dude.
Hey, can you do me?
I don't know.
You know what the weirdest part is?
He asked because I had, I had switched shifts.
I was working on a different shift and he asked like, Oh, I've been asking around.
Like, I thought you were gone.
I'm like, Oh, here we fucking go.
We might actually make an episode of just the retail experiences that we've both had
in our history.
Oh yeah, I mean a long ass fucking list.
Yeah.
I'm kind of.
I don't have dudes hitting on me.
Hey man, all I ever get home by old ladies and I had this old lady want me to take her
home.
You take my grocery back to my house with me.
I'm sorry.
I mean, she was like legit pissed that I couldn't.
I think I've said this story before.
Like, no, I'm where I worked till I worked till 10 o'clock.
I can't.
I can't do it now.
I can't.
I can't do it.
That's the expression she gave.
Are you mother?
Sorry.
I'm just messing with this thing.
All right.
Last story that we have.
It's by Tyler life.
The only life I live is Tyler life.
And this was placed under the Reddit fuck up of the month.
Oh man, he must have fucked up something fierce.
And I'll leave a link in the description for that goes along with this.
Okay.
All right.
So they put a little backstory.
When I first started having sex, I researched into ways to be better at it.
That's a good man right there.
I always try to be better.
As though the little stiff pun intended and pretty much had no idea what I was doing.
I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm in order to make a better
performance.
No, no, no, don't do that.
No.
You see this, that guy that's been all over fucking tick tock.
I searched lovemaking songs and started slowly creating a playlist in which I was comfortable
matching the rhythm.
There are a few songs in my playlist.
However, there is one song in particular, which I know exactly who they've written on
him all over tick tock across the fucking planet.
Yeah.
Which actually happens to be my favorite that my girlfriend hates and says, turn off in a
major way.
It turns her off in a major way.
I don't understand why it has taken her two years to tell me that she hates that song.
It's a good lovemaking song with good rhythm.
That's why she doesn't like it.
I feel the way I fucked up, I fucked up as I could have possibly asked her previously
if she likes to playlist or any song she'd like to add or change, but to leave it for
two years thinking our sex life is great, but in her eyes has been ruined by my music.
Oh yeah.
You should always communicate by the way.
Don't be lagging on for two years and then fucking blow up at a family kitchen.
You can fuck like a bitch.
Just ruin the whole family get together.
Ruined by my music has left the whole situation feeling awkward and I'm a bit annoyed.
I pretty much played this tune every time.
So the amount of time she must have not been enjoying it, but I thought the complete opposite
is annoying, but also embarrassing in ways not to mention my previous partners.
However, they never complained about the song.
So maybe it's just her.
It's fucked up.
It's fucked up the relationship to be honest because sex feels awkward now.
The other day we were having sex with no music, but I still kept the resting to the tune playing
in my head.
Oh boy.
I recognize this and asked me to stop.
Damn.
Got a fucking muscle memory.
I thought this song was perfect and I always stressed along with the tune and I feel like
gives me the perfect rhythm for doing the deed.
I usually busted this song, find it embarrassing.
She hates the song.
No kidding.
I'm gonna let no hate her with the song is and I'll leave a link in the description.
I think I know a hundred.
The fucking entirety of take time.
This man is a shit.
They probably haven't shown his face in 15 years and it's only been like two.
It sounds like a fucking clown song.
So shit that Joker listens to fight on his fucking ringtone.
The fact that he remembers the rhythm, right?
Right.
The fact that she remembers the rhythm even with no music is a horrendous fucking thing
as well.
The funniest part, there's comments on this relating to the Reddit story.
Yeah.
It's like a person, a moment of silence for the poor woman suffering two years.
Yeah, that is a legendary Reddit story.
See how certain songs just get thrusted into your life.
He quit the words, man.
And then the next one, the drop hit me like a sack of wet mice.
God.
Or my favorite thing about this song is that I always forgot how it goes.
So by the time I listened to it again, I must have laughed.
Or keep in mind, this is the song he decided to share with us.
This is his most favorite song.
That's a good point.
Yeah.
What was the rhythm to the other ones?
Why would you choose that song?
I don't fucking hear.
Oh, cause didn't he say, cause that was the one he knew he could thrust him.
Yeah.
Like the weirdest rhythm.
Yeah there it is.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
You can, you can a hundred percent tell.
Yeah.
No one's you got fucking.
Yeah.
You can a hundred percent notice that in any position.
It's bad though.
You're going to have to play the song and she knows what you're playing.
Oh fuck.
That is brutal.
And he got another comment that says, I played this for my boyfriend the other day before
we were going to do it.
We both broke into laughing and couldn't even breathe after.
Yeah.
Imagine that.
This song is like, whenever you feel like you're going to sneeze, but then you can't.
Kind of disappointed.
That's how it feels like.
It's like, Oh, I thought about the sneeze.
Yeah.
You can a hundred percent.
There's no way bro is tearing up those cheeks.
What's the name of this song?
It's going to be famous now.
The name is clapping cheeks.
It is a sea bass.
Sea bass.
What?
From 11 years ago.
Jesus Christ, bro.
Of all the songs in all the world.
This person, but there's no way bro is tearing the cheeks up to two singles.
Having an argument.
It's supposed to be.
Oh yeah.
It sounds like.
I'm going to be a little bit of a
man.
What is going on in that man's head?
His music tastes.
His love making tastes suck.
He found a horrible rhythm.
And that is so embedded in his brain from two years that any chick that hooks up with
him.
And he started like, are you that guy?
That kind of be like, yeah.
As long as he's stuck into the rhythm.
And we will talk to you guys on the next one.
What the fuck, yo.
Adios.