Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity.
I am Michael and I'm Noe and we are the Knights of Entertainment.
We got some Reddit stories for you guys today.
And a wild ride of Reddit.
Yeah.
Alrighty, starting off, the title of this one is called Potato Juice.
Oh god, what the fuck is potato juice?
Alrighty.
We had a very attractive gym teacher back when I was in high school.
For some reason, yoga had been added to the curriculum and it was the first day for that
class.
Well, our teacher decided to show us her flexibility, so she touched her toes to demonstrate.
All of a sudden, both of her tits fell right out of the top of her shirt.
She covered herself quickly, but that was enough for one kid in the back.
He sat down and started jerking it.
Jesus, man, control yourself.
It was obvious what he was doing.
Nobody was stopping him.
What so?
Being the good person I was in the high school, I went up to him and told him to stop.
I also didn't know this kid had special needs.
Oh, okay.
I'm standing there telling him to stop and then he drops his pants and blows his load
right there on my shoes.
The teacher flipped out, called the cops, had him taken out of the class.
For the rest of my time in high school, I was called potato juice.
Potato juice?
Who would ever, whatever, whatever.
A starchy white fluid.
Yeah.
Jesus.
Alrighty, next one is by Curly.
He didn't say that he fucking disinfected his shoes, threw them away, buried them in the
boughs of hell.
It's a short little story.
But also a fucking tremendous story.
Next one is from a Reddit user named Curly Jackson.
Alrighty, story is, this story reveals way too much of my social ineptitude.
Any normal person would have seen this coming.
So I had the school teacher's gym, excuse me, I'll restart this.
Any normal person would have seen this coming.
So I had the school's gym teacher as my homeroom teacher and I saw him often.
Sometime during the first week of school, I caught him singing this song, I got you
babe at the top of his lungs alone in the gym.
I laughed at him.
He was a big tough sort of guy who you wouldn't expect to be singing a Sonny and Cher song
basically.
But performed a little impromptu duet with him.
It became our inside joke that I had caught him singing that.
And so when we would pass each other in the hall or gym or whatever, we would hum that
song and we would both laugh.
Anyhow, around Valentine's day, those stupid singing animal dolls start showing up and
on sale and I run across the pair of frogs that sing, I got you babe.
When I was out shopping with my mom, she worked at the school.
Yeah, that's a whole nother level of embarrassing and knew the gym teacher and the story and
told me I should buy those as a joke.
So for some reason I thought this was a good idea.
I showed up to school on Valentine's day, walk up in front of my whole classroom and
give him those stupid singing frogs.
And he just stared at me.
Didn't laugh, didn't make any sort of joke.
He then gave me the super awkward embarrassed smile, says, thank you, sweetie, pityingly.
And I realized in that moment, standing in front of my home room of at least 30 other
students that it looks like I'm confessing my love to the gym teacher.
Yeah, you should have thought that one through.
And those stupid frogs start singing.
And I just stood there mortified until they finished.
Not knowing what to do, I ran back to my seat.
Everyone stared at me, open mouth through the rest of them.
I ran straight to my mom's classroom and hid in there for a while.
She went and spoke to the teacher later and he told her that he had actually found it
quite funny and that he had totally gotten the joke.
Well then why didn't you say anything?
Anyway, yeah, people thought I had a creepy girlish crush on my gym teacher and it was
bad, but better than thinking that we were banging.
Yeah, well, there you go.
She at least figured it out.
Next one is from genuine gin.
Genuine gin.
Genuine.
There's a hard word.
A genuine gin.
Just started mumbling.
I'm on like four hours of sleep.
All right.
Story is first week at a new high school.
I've always been pretty awkward and I was really nervous, but my dad told me it was
a chance to reinvent myself and you don't get many of those in life.
My mom said if anything happened, just laugh it off.
So I bought a nice new shirt.
So I bought a nice new shirt, pinstripe with some metallic stripes running through it and
a pair of heels.
Got up early, ironed my new shirt and went to have breakfast in the cafeteria.
I must have ironed my shirt on too high of a heat and whatever the metallic strips were
made of, couldn't take it because I was making my way out down the center of the cafeteria
in front of everyone.
It ripped across almost my entire halfway down my back.
I was in such a hurry to get out.
I fell on my ass, ass over tits down the stairs.
Jesus.
Maybe some people might have not noticed, except in my panic, my mom's words were going
round in my head.
Just laugh it off.
So I made this really loud, snorting sound.
I don't think anyone missed that so much for reinventing myself.
Jesus.
All right.
Fuck yourself up.
Probably nobody would have even paid attention.
Right.
Laugh it off.
And then snort when you laugh.
All righty.
Next one is from Nixon on.
All right.
For this, I'll preface.
Do you know who the offspring are?
A band?
Close enough.
That's all I know.
They're the ones that sing that song, Pretty Fly for a White Guy.
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Yes.
I think so.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's the set up for this one.
Uh oh.
So this person says, I was sitting in geometry.
I had been listening to a lot of the offspring around that time.
Well, my teacher is rambling on about some prosculate or some shit.
I'm just sitting in the back.
Some dumb shit he's talking about.
I'm just sitting in the back twiddling my thumbs and wondering what it would be like
to have two penises.
Well, what the fuck?
That would be exhausting.
Which one do I have to pee out of this time?
Fuck.
Well, it's at this point that I hear my geometry teacher, old lady.
If you can go right and left, you can, you know, go both.
You rest on either side.
You don't have to worry about that.
Does that mean four balls or just still two?
Four would be too much.
Just a big old fucking meat sack of balls.
Imagine them getting twisted.
All four of them?
Shit.
Wouldn't be fun.
Uh, so she hears it.
So he hears it.
They're the same size, they're different sizes.
I can't let you go.
You're going to be something thinking like he was.
Now I'm thinking like he is.
He's driving me mad.
He's doing nicks.
Are they side by side or on top of each other?
Okay, that's the last one.
Well, it's this point that I hear my geometry teacher.
They're both working hard at the same time.
We're just one of them.
Okay, last one.
That's the last one.
And she says, I'm going to give, uh, give you the formula.
So instantly my mind switches to pretty fly for a white guy.
And I start singing, give it to me, baby.
Oh fuck.
You're fucked that up.
And it wasn't until it was out that I realized what I did.
Damn.
That would be so good.
A song playing in your head.
Yeah.
You sing it out at the worst possible moment with the song.
So for any other kids now that are singing WAP, I keep that to yourself.
Next story is by MTL Lucian.
All right.
A house full of ladies.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
A house full of ladies.
I have to go to the loo.
I thought it would, I thought it'd be a silent job.
It was, it went loud pretty quick.
Shit.
A loud and abrupt blast.
It was so fucking loud, like firing off a broken tuba in the toilet pan.
Zero to 11 in under a second.
You know, it's startling.
There was no way they didn't hear it.
My wife was holding back tears of laughter as I descended back down the stairs.
But the other ladies were too polite to say anything.
Yeah.
It's nice to have a list.
I give him credit.
At least he was in his own house.
Oh, it's his house?
I believe so.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Just his wife had friends downstairs.
Blowing a bathroom up with Pew company.
Oh God, no.
No.
I remember the American Pie scene where one of the characters, Stifler, gives another
character laxatives.
Yeah.
And because he always goes, during lunch, this other character always goes home to take
a shit.
So he figures if he gets some laxatives, he'll have to take a shit at school.
He ends up in the girls bathroom.
Yeah, you remember that?
He's like trying to, and he's like, can't hold it.
Cause there was a bunch of women in there, he's like, I can't hold it.
God, that would suck so bad.
I'm the kind of person I avoid public restrooms.
I don't like them.
Me neither.
Unless I have to.
And then again, it's just a pee.
I'm not going to take.
Right.
I don't want to go out there and just drop a big, like.
Drop a deuce.
Do you know how many times I have went into the restroom and you go in there, it's like
you turn right back around.
It's like, nope, I can hold it.
It's like, you hear the person and they're grunting.
So it sounds like they're going like a super second.
10.
Although I have walked into a bathroom where one person, I heard him.
Oh God, not now.
Yeah.
Taking the dump would be the worst sometimes.
Yeah.
But if not now, when?
Hey man at home.
But not yet.
Please.
All righty, next one is by a Reddit user BKB.
They put, I was 13 and I was getting dressed as my friend in the room.
My pants were off and I realized I had to fart.
So I said, Hey, look at this.
And when I squatted, turns out fart never came.
But a nice little Hershey kiss.
What the fuck?
You're telling me your best friend's room.
Nice little Hershey kiss.
I'm a turkey.
We never hung out again.
I started crying and we're hitting my mom.
Oh, his room.
Well, either way, it's a good dump on the floor.
Hey, look at this.
Yeah.
Don't squat down to fart.
If you feel a full of rumbling in your stomach, don't squat.
Yeah.
At least not go slot over a toilet.
Not anything else.
Next one is by Emperor Card.
Card.
Yeah.
Card.
Damn.
It's a complicated name.
Jesus.
I'm trying to read whatever you're laughing at.
So, alrighty.
So this person puts, okay.
So this is, this is recent.
I lived in Panama City, ground zero for Hurricane Michael.
So this is whenever Hurricane Michael happened.
What?
What did you do?
What did you do the hurricane for?
What did they do to you?
I didn't like Panama City.
Jesus.
Wrecked that shit.
Naturally, for a while there, I lived on MREs or more specifically, their shitty low sodium
cousins, ERMs.
You know, MREs are horrible for constipation.
And these are the shitty cousins, the ERMs.
What the fuck are ERMs?
Holy shit.
Did you just reverse the wording?
I guess.
MRERMs.
Emergency ration meal.
Oh.
I did for civilians or something.
I don't understand.
It's just the low sodium versions.
So that's just the better or worse.
I thought sodium was okay.
It is.
I think anyway.
Well, let's find out what happened with low sodium.
They gave me what will, will understate as bad gas.
I was working on pulling what was recoverable out of a house with some of the FEMA, Red
Cross, linemen, road responders were patrolling.
Coating houses with severe damage, questioning residents if anyone or if everyone in their
families were accounted for, et cetera.
Yeah.
I took a break on the porch to drink a bottle of water.
And while I was outside away from my family, I felt the telltale rumbly in my tumbling
and became a bit of a buildup.
So I leaned to the side to open the vent for maximum airflow and let it rip.
No cheek impediment, it was an abrupt forceful and silent whoosh.
That's not bad, I guess.
In public, nothing better in public than a beautiful.
Yeah, it's part of just.
Now we came next.
At first, nothing happened.
Then all the first responders got quiet.
The hell?
I looked up.
What the fuck happened?
I just like to call the nuclear fallout.
What the fuck did you do?
What are you farting?
What walkie talkie with the.
I looked at because beforehand they had been making quite a bit of a noise.
That's why I over.
That's whenever I overheard the new subject conversation, there were radians.
They're a coroner, they're a what?
They're a radio for a coroner and a canine unit to find a body.
Oh, as I detected what they believed to be the synonym decomposition.
Oh God.
They didn't find anything and I never told them what they were smelling.
Jesus.
So bad that when you're working for FEMA, they thought it was a rotting corpse.
Fucking you gotta go to a doctor, bro.
Look, the bars are so bad, they're knocking dogs out.
They call it the canine unit.
Yeah, Jesus.
And then a coroner to get the dead body.
And they're not even joking about it.
They're really serious.
So he farted that and the wind just lifted and they're just like, my God, smell a dead
body in here.
Oh, that would be so damn embarrassing.
All right.
You got two more stories.
OK.
From Big Puppa Pump.
Oh, God fucking Scott Steiner.
Holla, if you hit me.
Every Friday morning, I have to take my daughter to school, which is about a 45 minute each
way.
Usually by the time I drop her off.
I'm looking here, right?
That school better be two fucking minutes away when I'm a dead father.
There ain't no damn way.
Drop her off.
I have to go like clockwork.
For some reason, it hit me particularly hard one morning, so I'm driving and clenching.
I drop her off and dash to the gas station right down the street.
I ran in and started buckling my belt on the way to the bathroom only to find that they
are remodeling the men's room.
And the attendant told me that there's a porta potty out back.
OK, mind you, this isn't the dead of winter and probably somewhere between 15 and 20 degrees
outside.
Alaska or just here.
At this point, I do not care where I unload.
So so I make a mad dash to the Johnny on the spot.
By the time I get there, my pants are unzipped and ready to drop.
I closed the door and quite honestly didn't think I had time to even wipe the seat down
or I was going to blow.
It was early in the morning and there was very little light and thought to myself that
sitting in a few drops of pee would be much better than shitting myself around 45 minutes
from home.
I'm not sitting some man's pain.
I blow those ass cheeks all over the floor standing straight up.
As I sat down, I felt something squishy.
Upon instinct, I put my hand on my back side to see what it was.
It was shit.
Someone dropped a half runny deuce on the toilet seat that he said.
So he just sat on someone else's shit.
As soon as I realized what it was, I jumped up and started to drive as I turned around
the entire contents of my stomach unloaded into the port of John, which also caused an
explosion at the other end, which was pointed at the door.
It was 20 degrees out.
I had someone else's shit on my hand, just puked and shit down the back of my underwear
and leg.
Jesus, I was pissed and shit.
If you have ever been in one of these things, you realize that there's not much room to
move.
I wiped it.
I wash your hands either.
Is there this?
You should make one.
I wiped off the seat, took off my pants and underwear, tossed my underwear in the John,
cleaned up as much as I could and got the hell out of there.
The most miserable experience of my life.
Damn.
And the last one, shit, fisting potato.
Okay.
Now it has a title.
Yeah, that makes it way worse.
It doesn't have the person's name, though.
Okay, that's odd.
And they also put on here, here's a backup in case you get this in case this gets deleted.
How horrific is it?
It's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but not great.
All righty.
So here goes.
I'm an IB student.
Was that?
I have no idea.
I think it was irritable bowels.
So I have to spend extra time back at school on most days till like five ish.
Last year I was having a history to and went to go get a drink of water.
I walked down the hallway to go outside where the water fountains are when I heard some
sus noise coming from an empty room.
Some sus noise.
You can tell this is a person now.
The school was moving departments around at the time.
This noise sounded like an angry luffaric nose stroking one out on helium.
I stood there in fear for two minutes before the school janitor walked over and listened
to the horrid sounds with me.
At this point, I could hear a second fainter noise.
Also, finally, one of us moved and the janitor knocked on the door and the noise stopped
a full minute of deadly silence.
I wouldn't even bother.
I'll just leave.
Apparently they were in growth.
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
I got a little mystery as much as the next guy.
They're like, I'm just mind my own business.
It sounds like luffaric nose stroking one out on helium.
Fuck that.
You can only pretty much tell someone's fucking somebody.
Yeah, exactly.
A full minute of deadly silence passed before I looked up at the janitor and then I let's
see here and then the door.
He nodded as I reached for the door handle, the jiggle it and the door was locked.
The janitor pulled out his keys and unlocked the door slowly.
What the fuck mind your fucking business.
That room stunk like the waterways of Mumbai.
Jesus.
It's at this point that I should point out that my school has a special program and in
the middle of the room was two Down syndrome students, one elbow deep, fisting the other.
Jesus Christ.
There was a pool of water consistency feces on the ground around.
Not a single word was said before the janitor and I walked out, closed the door, looked
at each other, locked the door, each making an agreement to never talk about this again
and walked off.
That's why I say mind your business.
I never saw either of the two again and neither of the janitors spoke about it.
Jesus.
We just nod to each other when passing in the halls now.
Like fucking war veterans.
Jesus Christ.
So if you ever want to know what to Down syndrome people sound like fucking like loofing, no
rubbing one out on my business.
I did my business.
This is why you should not open doors.
You don't know what's behind there.
Right.
Like why?
If you hear some weird, if it's something like someone getting murdered, it'd be a whole
different story.
But if you know, they're clearly banging.
But if you're just go, it's not a zombie.
Just keep going.
The whole fist.
Oh, smash.
And all right.
Oh, the worst story you could ever hear.
Weird.
But that is all for Reddit this week and we will see you guys on the next one.
More one piece.
That makes no sense for this one, actually.
You're not going to find the one piece where he had his hand.
Maybe that's what he was looking for.
It's gotta be somewhere.
Digging for that trick.
Bye.
See you guys later.
Bye.