Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment.
We've got a couple of stories here for you from Reddit.
If you liked the last one, you'll probably love these two.
I don't know if we can top the last one.
I don't think we're going to burst out laughing, almost burst into flames.
I don't think I'm going to laugh that hard at these, but they're still funny.
Okay.
Like I couldn't make it through the last one.
So I couldn't read the last one either.
All right.
The first one is from Redditor Stop Fowling Jeff.
Okay.
So you got to stop selling Jeff.
The title of it is a wet, hot, embarrassing summer.
Okay.
All right.
He starts off when I was in sixth grade.
My parents talked me into going to a week long church camp.
Oh boy.
Here we go.
I'm feeling it coming.
I knew of, but didn't know personally any of the kids going, but they told me that everything
would be praising Jesus, riding horses and having a good time.
Praise the Lord.
I decided to go.
Uh, it was like a six hour drive in one of those big white fans quickly.
Everyone started whipping out their CD cases and exchanging music.
I'm sorry.
I'm childish.
I'm sorry.
Um, and I instantly went like, fuck, I had two CDs, Britney Spears, baby one more time
hit me, baby one more time and ever clear.
Oh, ever clear.
I was a really weird kid.
Even admitted.
Hey man, if you like what you like, just like it.
Everyone was trying to talk to me about music and I had honestly never heard of any of the
bands they were talking about.
I just wanted to jam some Britney to myself.
So naturally I went the elitist route said that I had all of that music and I was listening
to stuff I knew from the underground private shit they hadn't heard of.
Oh boy.
Stay in those holes.
Huh?
Uh, once we get to camp, uh, all I'm thinking about is let's find some friends quick because
I can't talk to these kids anymore.
I go to the pool and make friends with a few older kids.
There are three girls, two guys and me.
They were in eighth grade, so obviously they were really cool.
Plus I thought the girls were really hot.
I figured this would be the best time if any to get my first kiss.
Their windshield wipers were turned to maximum with all the sixth grade game I was spitting.
We decided to leave the pool and walk around the camp until we all had, uh, we all had
to meet up in a group meeting.
The cabins separated by grades.
So they said they would walk by the sixth grade cabin and pick me up.
Okay.
First thing I do is put on my freshest outfit.
I'm just drip it right now.
Great time to break out my fresh white t-shirt.
Can't forget my jeans shorts.
This is pre-faded denim also.
Oh boy.
So this is the industrial bright blue jeans shorts.
Jesus.
Some bright blue shorts.
It's summertime in Texas, so might as well top the outfit off with knee high white socks.
Damn, he must've been fucking boiling.
And of course for the bitches, Doc Martens.
God dang.
I look like a weird red neck lumberjack.
So I walked out and they're like, what the fuck?
But whatever.
It's kiss time.
So we start walking and one of the older guys parts and all the girls laugh.
Boom, found my way in by farting.
My friend Travis and I had been making far jokes for quite some time.
So I'm up to speed on the area of humor.
Bam.
The other guy farts and all the girls laugh even harder.
Got him.
Now I'm thinking all I have to do is drop the biggest fattest fart in Lillie.
Oh no.
Let me shit my pants right now.
I got you.
I can already tell.
My brain just puts the pieces together.
Oh, sorry.
Oh no.
I can just tell where the story is going.
Oh shit.
All righty.
Then I feel it.
I start squeezing my stomach as hard as I can.
I'm walking like a newborn deer.
Jesus Christ.
That's horrible.
Yeah.
Got one big one ready.
So instead of just just dropping it out and laughing, I wanted to make a big show of it.
Sorry.
This is hilarious.
It's okay.
It's the most childish humor, but it's hilarious.
I love it.
I run in front of the group squat down, turn my head around.
He runs up to him, fucking squashed down and just blows out his ass cheeks.
I haven't been the same since.
Forcefully shit himself.
Forcefully?
God damn.
She just blew out the back of his pants.
Unrepairable jeans.
Oh shit.
Yeah, exactly.
Literally.
This was all out diarrhea.
God dang.
If you don't know, this before early nineties denim is the least forgiving fabric in the
world.
Everyone knew I shit.
It started running down my leg being soaked up by my knee high socks.
Instantly, I just react and start running.
Yeah.
Kicking up shit like mud off a truck.
God dang.
Man.
I've never been to this camp before, so I'm just running for anything.
I'm never getting one back since.
I find a bathroom, toss the socks, boxer's shirts.
Excuse me.
Boxers, shirt.
But I can't drop the jorts.
And jorts are jeans shorts.
I can't just walk across the church camp naked.
Might as well you shit yourself.
Plus at this point, I'm thinking maybe they didn't really see it.
Oh no.
I was really confident in my speed at the time, so I was thinking I could say that's
my thing.
I drop giant farts and then run.
You did before the smell catches me.
Before the radioactivity kills us all.
Come to find out, not only were the five people I shit in front of outside the bathroom waiting
for me, but there were like 25 kids.
God dang.
Instantly.
I just ran in my docks and jorts combo back to the cabin.
I was staying in with the other kids chasing me, yelling shit pants.
Damn.
I run to my bed and where my bed is and find all the music nerds I rode up with going through
my CD case.
It only has two CDs.
They're like, what the fuck?
I thought you had tons of secret music, bro.
Damn.
Wait, did you shit your pants?
Wait, so not only did he shit himself from random people, the people that he initially
met with also fucking found his life.
Jesus.
Look at two hitter.
So yeah, that was about four hours into a week long trip.
Wow.
That was only four hours.
I lost my favorite pair of jorts and pride that day.
I bet he did.
Jesus.
Alrighty.
Next one does not have a user listed on here, but the name of it is Louisiana hot sauce.
Oh boy.
It's not, it's not as bad as you think.
All right.
I have a number of job interviews recently that went poorly and did not result in securing
employment.
I started to think I needed something to do during an interview that really made me stand
out, be impressive, unique and highly memorable.
I thought it could be risky, but it might work out.
I came up with the following idea after concluding the interview, after the handshake, et cetera,
and stuff like that.
I wouldn't leave in the room.
I'd turn around and say, there's one more thing you need to know about me.
Then I'd pull out a bottle of hot sauce down the entire bottle, slam it on the ground and
say I can handle the heat.
Don't do, don't do that.
Never do that.
Now confidently and then leave the room.
I imagine that they would be really impressed and wowed by such a performance.
Well, didn't pan out like I thought it would.
Like coughed that shit up or hit his eye or something.
It was only a small bottle of hot sauce.
I figured it would be no big deal to actually do it.
You know, just small bottle.
I should have tested it at home first, but I didn't.
I was nervous as a bitch ass during the interview.
Should have watered it down or something too.
But I had determined to follow through with this plan.
I pulled out the hot sauce bottle, almost dropped it and started to open the bottle.
In my head, it had all been one quick confident motion, like an electric Indiana Jones film.
But instead I fumbled around and had a tough time getting it open.
It felt like a nightmarish eternity, but as probably it was only about 20 seconds, but
to him it felt like an eternity.
Yeah.
Enough time for one of the interviewers to ask, what are you doing?
Oh boy, there's more than one person there with him.
Fuck.
I didn't answer directly instead.
After I got the bottle open, I repeated, there's one more thing you need to know about me.
Stuttering it.
Then I guzzled down the entire bottle of hot sauce.
I instantly regretted that.
My mouth and throat felt like lava were swirling around inside me.
I immediately started to gag and cough loudly.
I was crying involuntarily.
Damn.
Tears hard-cored down my face.
I was sweating like a terrible fool.
I desperately tried to scream, I can handle the heat.
I can't handle the heat.
I just kept coughing before I could get anything out.
The interviewers were all standing up looking at me in horror and confusion.
A few seconds before, I threw up all over the floor.
Damn.
I knew it would happen.
But I tried to hold it back.
I couldn't.
I threw up all over the floor.
It hurt as much on the way out as it did on the way in.
If not more so.
The vomit felt like flaming barbed wire straight in its way through my neck.
I should mention, a disturbing amount of fiery mucus was also leaking out of my nose at this
point.
After I finished throwing up, I could not bear to look at the interviewers.
I hoarsely mumbled an apology and started to stumble my crying and mucus-faced ass.
Should have cleaned his face and be like, I can handle the heat and walked out the door.
I've never been more ashamed in my life.
I didn't get the job.
Did he get the job though?
Jesus.
Fucking dumb.
Don't chug hot sauce.
Yeah, don't chug hot sauce.
What the fuck?
Louisiana hot sauce?
Fuck.
Like it's not hot hot.
It ain't warm though.
It's not hot hot.
It ain't warm though.
It's also mostly vinegar.
Oh damn.
Vinegar, chilies.
Damn.
So yeah, it just fucking rolls in his stomach.
Oh, and it's coming back out.
Fucking snot coming out of his nose.
Just hot sauce out of your nose?
No thank you.
Alrighty.
And last one.
It's a little long as well.
This one is called Noah the Red is the user.
Noah.
And the title of it is called just Kevin.
Kevin the Red.
Soka what you call it?
Just Kevin.
Oh boy.
Alrighty.
It starts it's no uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve
in certain aspects.
Dumb as we say.
Yes.
But proves 99.9999 percent of the time they're keen on something.
They may not understand how to identify a noun or what theme it is.
But they somehow know how to make a mean plate a nachos.
Okay.
You know they do not do something.
I see what you mean. Yeah, you learn pretty quick to not judge a fish
For their climate their tree climbing ability, you know
I thought this was a rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Oh boy
Kevin must have been the dumbest
Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway
Oh boy
Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching
He came to my classroom with a very little show for his academic past
He had moved a few times and this was missing a lot of typical test scores that would they would use to try to ballpark
Their ability don't worry. It was a ballpark
We didn't make decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with the student for a bit
So, you know, they're not just judging automatically and I based it on actual
What's the word study, right?
They put I thought
That's fine. I'll do a I'll do just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up
One-on-one with Kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything
Jesus in a freak if not impossible
amnesia incident
There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the second grade and now he was in the ninth grade
What happened for seven fucking years
Flabbergasted I figured we need to get more serious with this if I was going to if he was going to be in my class
I decided to meet with him his guidance counselor his parents and another teacher to see what was really going on
This is where it all became clear
It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off of the face of the earth years ago
Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine
Intervention that saves his family every time it represents itself
Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of that null achievement
even my
instructional lead a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a balrog
Failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today, and it must be the dumbest motherfucker to several is
every single one of them
So here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that God exists and he's laughing uncontrollably
All righty number one
Kevin frequently forgot when where class was on more than one occasion
I had to retrieve him from other classrooms, so we just randomly walk into a different class and say there
Do they just thought that was the class?
number two Kevin ate an entire pack of
24 crayons
Puked and did it again the next day. This is ninth grade. I have no idea where he got crayons wait wait
Let's be clear here. He's not mentally
disabled is he
So he's just really that dumb
Jesus Christ
Number three Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me his English teacher
This was a public school
There's no tuition. Oh yeah
Yeah, public school when I gave it back to Kevin avoided to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is public school
Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at a 7-eleven after school
He's smart enough to do that then so
Number four
Kevin threw his lunch at the school resource officer tried to run away ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him
Number five
Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it it rang he denied that it was ringing
Not that it wasn't his not that he didn't steal it. No he denied the phone was actually ringing
He tried three more times before the end of the year to steal her phone. Yeah
He's just a
Damn, I don't know what the number six
Well number six out of 20
Number six Kevin called the basketball coach a motherfucking bitch during gym
Basketball tryouts where that afternoon Kevin tried out. It didn't go well. I imagine that
I don't imagine someone a fucking dumb level intellect has very good hand-eye coordination either
With their brain just doesn't have enough energy to get down there and move. That's right. You fucking breathe
All righty number seven
Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to she missed several meetings
Because she drove to other schools Christ none of which he ever went to
Starting to hurt your head a little bit
Like no one could be that fucking stupid and still be you know functional in society number eight
Kevin tased himself in the neck before a school a football game. What do you got taser from?
What the fuck?
number nine
Kevin kept a bottle of orange Kool-Aid in his backpack for about four months
He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up. Yeah
Number 10 Kevin would say the n-word. Oh boy a lot
Kevin was white
The high school was 84 black
Kevin got beat up a lot. Oh, I thought they let him go because he's just that fucking dumb
number 11
Kevin stole another kid's iphone and then tried to tell it back to him. This is recent then if it's an iphone
I think like some 1999 or something like that
Jesus christ number 12 Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests quizzes homeworks class works and every other thing that there is to do with school
So what he just assumed he was gonna grade just by showing up. I guess so
number 13
Kevin spit on a girl and said you should get out of those wet clothes. The girl was a spanish student teacher
Damn, he tried to get that riz going with it
He was trying to get that riz going with it
I don't think he's just dumb. I think he's just an asshole. Number 14. Kevin didn't know that dogs and cats were different animals
No, he's dumb then. Yeah
Never mind
You gave him too much credit. Yeah, I did
Number 15 Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library at the circulation desks
While he was logged in
God dang Kevin
Number 16 Kevin asked the teacher if he could download porn on the computer and he did
Number 16 Kevin asked a girl to prom
He was in ninth grade and freshmen don't go to prom by asking for her number and then texting her his address
Hmm, that's how he tried to invite her. He just come over to my house
Kevin got gum in his hair
constantly
What the fuck?
number 18
Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over grabbing one of them off the ground before she could get them
And then writing his name wherever he could on there. Oh my fucking god
There's no fucking way
Number 19
Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were
Oh wonderful. They were very concerned that the holiday party. It's high school. They don't have those
would have peanuts
When they finally got a doctor's note, he was allergic to a moxicillin
moxicillin
Yeah, what the fuck is a moxicillin
Hey, uh, what do you call it?
Uh antibacterial
Like for if you're sick and stuff like that a moxicillin
It's like, you know what penicillin is, right? Okay
It's just like the another version not it isn't penicillin, but it's another type of pill
Just another type of a medication. Yes, so he's allergic to that. Yeah
Yeah, not peanut. Yeah, they wouldn't they don't have that they wouldn't just be giving him a moxie. Whatever a moxicillin. Yeah
What the fuck?
Yeah, and last number 20
Kevin and his parents took a trip to nassau
Uh, how the fuck they ever got an airline ticket. I will never know
Yeah, because they don't seem to be able to function and forgot all their luggage at home
I didn't believe him when he told me
Until his mom who had told me this the first time she had seen me during the next bi-weekly meeting
So they just they just went on a trip and just left all their shit at home
When did they realize it when they when they were on the trip probably like oh we're now in this where where'd they go?
To nassau where's that?
N-a-s-s-a-u and that's i've never heard of that place
Let's assume it's a different country. It would be i'm assuming but then again if they go to a different country
They might not be able to come back. Yeah, because they were like no one speaks english here dad
So I know something but hey here. So basically this is a story of an entirely uh inbred retarded family
Is what this was inbred. Yes
But then he he's still physically normal
They usually start looking real weird after inbreeding
Man and the whole family is not very bright
I mean you got the dad mailing tuition checks to a public school to the english teacher. Yeah, this is the random woman
She's just going to schools that he's never been to you got a fucking
Student that's eating crayons two days in a fucking row in the ninth grade remember this yeah ninth grade
This isn't kindergarten. So you're not a child. Well, you're not well, you're a teenager. They're trying to figure out where the fuck you got crayons
It's ninth grade
You don't have crayons in ninth grade
You don't have crayons in ninth grade. I had crayons in ninth grade
I'd have drawn something
Get me through the menial bullshit of school
But that uh, that is the last of the uh, the reddit story. She quit her job after that. She couldn't redeem kevin
I would assume so see
There's a problem with that though is if it was just dumb
right
It's like okay. He's just a dumb kid, right?
But the fact that he's also malicious like calling people motherfucking bitch and they're trying to steal phones, right?
He also has a bad streak and dumb and bad streak are not a good combination
Leads to at least a murder real quick
You don't have the faculties to realize that your consequences will be jail. Yeah
So most likely kevin's in jail right now
I don't know how his parents aren't in jail. I'm I'm they probably go in and out of jail all the time
I probably don't know what school he's at
Fucking go find him a juvie. It's probably where he's at
Man that's a dumb family
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um, i've talked to some dumb people before it's it's mentally taxing i'm gonna be honest with you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry. All right
But if you're done with some people if you're on a level of intelligence, i'm not saying i'm a genius
But if you're just average, yeah, like if you if you met a person of just like that just
real like
bogged down
Like mental capacity. It's hard. It's hard like jeez. I'd be like are you fucking stupid?
See i'm smart enough to know what I don't know
Right, like there's plenty of things. I have no idea about anything and i'm more than happy to admit. I don't know them
And don't know exactly at least I know what I don't know. At least you don't have to eat fucking crayons
Two days in a row. Yeah two days in a row no less
He's not even smart enough to realize like an animal if they touch fire in their hearts
They will never touch fire again, right? This motherfucker ate crayons once and threw up and said maybe it was a bad bet
Yeah, you fucking ate some more. He also drunk uh, four months
Probably fucking uh
it probably uh
What's the word? Uh
I'm sure it had molded it. Yes, exactly. They probably molded over i've seen that before in the drink
I had a friend that I never hung out with anymore who had dog food that he left out for weeks, right?
What's fucking maggots inside? Oh god, never hung out at his house again
Gave me bed bugs twice
I had to throw my furniture twice
That dirty son of a bitch make sure not to hang out with nasty ass people
Yeah, is the the lesson of this and also don't eat crayons. Don't eat crayons
Wash your ass too
I don't know why I gave that one, but just wash your ass. Well, i'm assuming kevin didn't know how so god
Can you imagine his fucking salty ass underwear?
Jesus
His teeth must have been fucking horrendous
I would assume that he is pretty bad
You know what the dentist for the first time just a couple of like last year was my first trip to the dentist
Yeah, I only had two cavities
I say that's not bad. Well, I always always brush my teeth regardless
But I mean I was always uh, well, I didn't want to waste money on a dentist
I'm fucking i'm borderline poor
But I mean i'm getting older so I had to take care of my teeth
So, you know I took a little last trip like no no cavities. I'm like hell yeah
But people that are like they never think about that stuff, right? Yeah, their teeth just look horrendous
Yeah, that's true
What i'm saying is always have proper hygiene
Yes, it doesn't it doesn't it won't kill you get a bar soap take a shower every day
I mean brush your teeth. Look, we already had one story where he shit himself. Yeah, but that was an accident
But he fucking blew his asshole out
He wasn't because he was dumb it was just because
He he miscalculated as one would say we've all miscalculated a fart before like oh fuck
He trusted it a little too much yeah
Yeah, if he hadn't squatted if he hadn't squatted down, maybe he wouldn't have been as bad
He was like let me stand
And fucking blew the back of his fucking jeans out
His jorts his jorts jean shorts good old jean shorts
But with that we are uh at the end of this episode and we will see you on the next one
We will see you next week. Bye