Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite and unknown
movies, games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
Let's go ahead and get started.
All right.
So recently on Tubi, I was watching the original Hellboy live action movie from 2004 with
Ron Perlman as Hellboy.
And I wanted to discuss a few of the interesting things that I fell in love with from the movie
was mostly the lore and a few also random stuff that I noticed rewatching the movie.
If you guys don't know, Hellboy is originally a dark horse comic book read by Mike Bignola
years ago about a demon that was born on earth from a human mother and a demon father.
And he was raised by a human named, I forget his first name, but his name is Broomhold.
And he gets conscripted into this organization called the Bureau for Paranormal Research
and Defense, so the BPRD.
And for 50 years from the 40s all the way until the early 2000s, Hellboy would fight
supernatural threats as a federal agent basically.
And so the show, it was finally popular enough.
Well it started in 2001, the issues, but his lore history is all the way from the 1940s.
They decided to make a movie, 2004, written by Guillermo del Toro and directed by Guillermo
del Toro.
If you guys know who that is, you know who Guillermo del Toro is.
And so I wanted to talk about some of the cool stuff that I like from the lore.
I was like adding little history stuff for like lore, because I just love lore and lore
history within a series.
Like it can be completely made up.
That's why I've always enjoyed the Warhammer 40,000 books.
It is just fucking steeped.
You got that in like the D&D and stuff like that?
Yeah like 600 fucking books of Warhammer, 40,000k or 40k I guess they call it.
And I've read a few of them, like at least eight of them.
And you can just tell there's so much history, like if you start from the beginning.
It's almost like Elder Scrolls 2 where there's like long like just lore history.
A lot of history yeah.
So one of the funny things is that the Hellboy, one of his partners, Abe Sapient, who was
a fish man, he was found back in like the right, he was found the day that Abraham Lincoln
got shot.
So they named him Abe and they just had to sapient to the end of it.
And they go to the museum in New York to, it's also, so it's all supernatural, you know
demons, monsters, stuff like that.
But it's a lot of like, it's lighthearted comedy too.
So it's not super serious.
So it's kind of like a mixture.
It's like a typical action movie.
You balance the romance, the comedy, the horror, the action.
You balance it perfectly, you get a good movie.
Well I guess horror is for, you wouldn't have horror and die hard.
Maybe random as hell with demon popped out.
John McClane's like what the fuck?
You'd be kind of like, you get jigsaw coming out.
You want to play a game?
And John McClane's like no, why don't you fucking shoot some of that in.
It just ends right there in the whole movie.
Oh he killed him.
Uh oh.
You got Pennywise coming out of the sewer right there.
That would be yeah.
Hey John McClane, want to float?
No.
So Hellboy goes into the, another thing about his personality is that he was raised as a
human so he wants to so badly identify and be considered ordinary.
Yeah.
That's one of his things.
He files his horns down to better fit in with people.
Even though it doesn't make him fit any better.
No, he's red as fuck.
He's got a big ass right hand made of a hammer.
And so he's a demon.
And in the comic books he actually has like hooved feet.
I guess it wasn't practical for live action.
He just regular boots.
Which you know, because when I first saw him in the movie, and then I saw the shit in the
comic book, I'm like damn, what the fuck's up with his feet?
Shit's like fucking two fucking toes.
Look like fucking Ninja Turtle.
Although he has like clothed feet like an actual demon.
And so I thought he had some scrawny ass legs too when I first saw him in the comic book.
Like all upper body.
Yeah.
No fucking legs.
No leg day, you know what I mean?
Some artists actually fleshed out his legs for once.
Because I think Mike Manoli gave him some real scrawny legs when he first wrote the
character.
When he first drew it.
Trying to give him those goat legs?
I guess so.
But he was like, you can't hold up all that fucking body with those fucking chicken legs.
There's some cows that I've seen like that where they have so skinny of legs, but they're
gigantic cows.
How does that work?
I guess it distributes all four of them.
If they had one leg, it'd break in half.
Or like that real fat guy with those little legs.
It's like how?
How does that work?
And so okay, so they go to the museum because there was a disturbance there.
And they find a statue of someone named St. Dionysius, the Areopygite.
I hope I ever said that right.
The Areopygite.
He who wards off demons.
And they realized that inside was an actual prison.
It was a big bottle and just full of sand.
Or what I thought was sand, but it wasn't sand.
And apparently what I thought was sand was actually salt from the tears of a thousand
angels that was used to restrain the essence of Samael the Desolate One.
Also known as the son of Nergal, the Hound of Resurrection, Seed of Destruction.
Apparently this demon was so fucking powerful that they couldn't kill it.
They had to contain its essence.
Well, Samael is also the name of Lucifer.
So that's who it was supposed to be?
Like Samael is the angelic name of Lucifer.
Cool.
I guess they repurposed the name for here.
Because it's kind of like a hound demon, like a hell hound.
And Hellboy, every time Hellboy fought it and killed it, I don't know if it had that
ability because it's called the Hound of Resurrection.
Because it doesn't make any sense how they did it.
So Hellboy kills it.
The essence, because it's a green little flame, and once he broke through the angels' salt
tears I guess, the flame rose up and it re-formed into like it went from bone to flesh to blood
and all that back in Samael.
Like Hellboy kills it and from the carcass of the body one of the flame goes up and then
it splits into two.
But then they started I guess mating too because they're like fucking rabbits.
So once Samael started mating with itself, it was having all these little eggs, like
thousands of them.
So it was becoming like a freaking army.
And so would that have happened had Hellboy not killed it and contained it instead?
Or would it have been able to asexually reproduce?
No, I think if it would have been able to contain it, it would have been just contained.
Just the one?
Yeah.
Because at the end of the movie he was fighting like 50 of them because they find out that
it was reproducing and they realized how dangerous it was.
So they go back into the New York subway system because it needs like a warm damp wet area
because it's almost like aquatic too.
And so yeah, because they can't handle fire.
When Hellboy beats it once, he uses this electricity off of the railroad tracks, you know, like
when it's electrified after the train runs through it to like cause electric current
to go through him and then light the Samael on fire.
And Hellboy's fine because he's fireproof and Samael's not.
Or at least this version of I don't know like the rest of his actual lore history in the
real world.
Yeah.
So yeah, Hellboy, so it starts having all these little eggs.
But so when Hellboy, because he fights it twice before the, I guess he fights him three
times.
But in the second fight, he fights it again, just a single one because he only fought it,
he used fighting the single ones only.
He kills this one, the same thing happens.
The flame goes up, it splits into two, but then the eggs, it cuts to the eggs and the
eggs awaken two more.
So like wait, so how does that work?
Do they actually grow on their own or do they only manifest when one of them dies?
That would make it only be one at one time.
There would never be two.
Right.
So it's either the eggs, cause like, cause Hellboy kills him, so when he kills him the
first time, there's two of them.
When he kills him the second time, there's four of them.
Right?
So, but they all come from the eggs, except for the first two that they did not come,
they just materialized from their death.
Like I'm real fucking confused as to somehow, that is a weird, like I'm real confused how
he like manifests.
Right.
Like I understand the splitting, but I don't understand the eggs.
Yeah.
Has it ever mentioned?
No, they don't.
It's one of those like, they never really, if you read the comic books, they never go
into deep detail.
Cause like, me being, you know, a hard science scientist sometimes, I'm like, okay, so, or
at least logical, like a linear.
I'm like, so how did the fucking eggs work?
So when he, when he got killed the first time, they formed into two.
So maybe they were able to mate and create the eggs.
And when he killed, when he killed him again, when the flames burst again into two, why
didn't it activate two of the eggs?
Why did, why would the flame just not reform itself into their body?
Cause it's also known as the hound of resurrection.
Yeah.
So it just keeps coming back to life.
So the only way to kill it toward the end, cause hellboy was getting his fucking ass
beat, like it was like, he can handle one, maybe two, but when it was like 50 on one,
like it was like, I did look desperate.
Like, oh, and the, the CGI, the fight scene was great too.
Cause you can see hellboy, he is stronger than them and he knows it.
So he's like, he's holding his own.
Like he's tossing them around.
He's pushing them off.
He's fucking breaking their jaws and stuff.
But like they're over slowly overcoming cause there's so many of them.
Yeah.
So there is Liz Sherman who is hellboys love interest, uh, she's a pyromaniac or pyrokinetic
like she has pyrokinesis and she couldn't control it as a kid.
And she killed a bunch of people by accident.
And when she finally goes back into the BPRD, uh, she goes into the, uh, the final, uh,
I guess, uh, the final scenes of the movie.
They either go to this like weird, like catacombs or something to face off against Rasputin.
Uh, and, uh, she's able to kill all of them at once with her fire.
So, uh, I guess, so I'm still not understand.
So fires is only weakness, I guess the, I don't know why the angels didn't notice that
instead of crying to beat them and building a fucking mountain of tears of salt, why they
didn't realize fires is weakness.
Like it's cool.
It's, it's cool, but there's not a lot of like, sometimes it confuses the hell out of
me.
Yeah.
So as a fire, as a pyrokinesis, is she creating flames out of nothing or from her body?
Okay.
So they are like generated from her.
Yeah.
It's like a fire bender.
Yeah.
It was thinking, cause there's the other type of a pyrokinetic like, uh, uh, what's it?
Isn't his name pyro, the mutant.
Yeah.
Where he controls, he needs like an actual, he needs an actual fire to do it.
That's what I was trying to figure out.
Generates it from her own body.
So maybe they're, but hers is blue.
I was going to say they're probably like a spirit flames more so than maybe like general
flames.
So maybe that's why they're able to hurt it.
Cause they fucking lit him the, well, they lit all the Samaels up and the eggs.
So it was over.
So that was, so that, that I guess her special fire.
Cause I thought he could, he got burned before by Hellboy on the railroad.
But those would have been practical flames.
So I guess hers is special powered.
That's the only thing I can think of anyway.
Right.
So another interesting thing is, uh, the Nazis were losing that this is beginning the movie
that it was in the war.
So Adolf Hitler and his genius decides to hire a Rasputin to conduct some experiment
on some lonely Island in Scotland, uh, to turn the tide.
And Rasputin was going to awaken, uh, the entities called the Agdru Jihad, uh, who are
just these, just these like beings in space or either, either a space or some other dimension
and they're just like in this, these like crystallized prisons, just waiting to be awoken
again.
And so he's going to wake them up.
I mean, Rasputin's plan is to destroy the world.
That's the same thing in the comic book.
It seems like, because like, there's no way that he's going to wake in the, you're going
to wake in, awaken the Agdru Jihad and have them just win for the war for the Nazis and
leave they're going to destroy the whole planet.
Right.
So he must have lied to out Adolf Hitler.
And so in doing, in doing the, uh, the ritual cause that they mixed, uh, black magic with
science like a lot of technology to open the portal, uh, Broomhold and a squadron or a
platoon of American soldiers, uh, ambushed them.
They destroyed the teleporter, but it was open just long enough to let something through
the thing being Hellboy.
And his right hand is apparently a key to open the portal to the Agdru Jihad.
So I guess in this series, a little bit different than in the comic book.
Yeah.
And, uh, his real name is actually, uh, it's a real, it's Hellboy's real name.
Anugun Rama.
Yeah.
That's his Hellboy's real name.
And so, um, so I've had to fuck.
I lost my train of thought.
His arm is a key.
Yeah, like his big ass red arm is a key to open the portal.
Yeah.
And, uh, Rasputin.
Oh, that was what I was going to say.
So if he was, if he arrived in the Scotland by nationality rule laws, uh, Hellboy is technically
Scottish is what I'm thinking.
Like I just realized, you know, he was born in Scotland basically.
That's actually funny.
I realized like, wait, so he was born in Scotland.
So he must be Scottish by birth and American by, uh, translocation or birth, but nurture,
I guess.
Cause he was raised in American basis.
Yeah.
So he's a very, he's a dual citizen.
Yeah, basically.
So anyway, I was loving the, the, the movie so much that I was like, this is why I forgot
cause I had forgotten.
Cause you know, like you kind of move on.
Yeah.
So I was like, why I wanted to, uh, cause I had read the convicts before, but I hadn't
gotten into deep detail.
So I was like, man, I need to go back.
And now that I have a platform to talk, I was like, I'm going to go back and collect
the old issues and start talking about the Laura stuff again of the convicts or maybe
also the movies and stuff, but they're not really canon to the convict.
So basically I just ordered, uh, the omnibuses of some of the, I got the volume one of Hellboy
seeded destruction, so I'll cover that, uh, but I have to really research them this time.
Cause I, when I try to do one piece, I couldn't get into it because there was so much to catch
up on.
Yeah.
But I can just start slowly with Hellboy cause the Hellboy is done.
Yeah.
I don't have to catch up to anything.
Like we're, we're good.
His, his series is actually, his main series is over.
Right.
After all these years.
Now he just makes appearances.
Well, now he does like a Hellboy and the BPRD 1963 cause he had been working with the PBRD
until 2001 when he quit the agency.
Yeah.
So Mike McNullough has 50 years worth of like content.
He can just like do like prelo, uh, prequels for the rest of his career.
Like as long as he doesn't touch any of the, uh, the newer stuff.
Yeah.
Cause that's, that's the history is over.
That man's a fucking genius.
Just having like all these, you can have hundreds of issues and hundreds of mini series.
Just covering the time between, uh, 1944 and 2001.
And as long as you don't have a bigger, like a bad guy, I guess you'd call it.
Right.
Something that wouldn't offset the whole, the whole original series.
Yeah.
So I have, I'm going to start with the, I have volume one and two of the completed short
stories, the collective short stories because they're quicker to read.
Yeah.
We'll, we'll, we'll go through each one slowly, like one issue, one story at a time.
Then we'll cover the bigger mini series.
Then we cover the BPRD.
Uh, one of the ones that I've always wanted to read that I never got around to was the
plague of frogs, which was a very interesting attack.
Something that, uh, it's what started, started, it's what kind of like set the seed for the,
uh, the Ragnarok that was coming from Rasputin was the plague of frogs, at least from what
I remember.
Yeah.
And, uh, there's also like a mini series of Rasputin, his origin, why he went about, why
he wanted to start.
Cause in the comic book he wants to bring about Ragnarok and restart the world.
In the movie, he just wanted to awaken the Ogdru Jihad.
Right.
And he wants to bring about the world.
So it's a different, uh, like there's an actual reason for why he wanted to do it then.
There's also a Kosh, Kosheshe, something, the, the, the deathless, uh, there's the sledgehammer
44.
There's the, uh, I bore me and there's a, there's a blade.
There's also like, sort of like a Excalibur sword.
Uh, there's also a 19, 1890s Sherlock Holmes type called a Sir Edward Gray, who was a paranormal
investigator back in the 1890s.
There's Lobster Johnson in the thirties, which was a superhero that was a myth to Hellboy,
but turns out was true.
It was real, a real person, a real vigilante that we used to burn.
Uh, then it was Lobster Johnson.
He used to burn a fucking lobster symbol on their forehead.
That way the devil knows what set you.
There was some shit like that.
So there anything within the Hellboy universe, I'm gonna try to get collecting cover.
Uh, Abe Sapien had his own like, uh, three omnibuses.
Uh, Lobster Johnson has one.
Hellboy has like his whole series all the way up to Hellboy in Hell, which is my favorite
run is Hellboy in Hell.
Yeah.
Where he actually uses his demonic powers.
Well, no, it's just him.
It's him dying and going to hell.
So I guess I'm home because after, uh, what was the, what was the fucking, uh, there was
a big one.
Uh, the fury was, was when Hellboy died.
Yeah.
And, uh, man, I was, I was quite the death and like, like, does it like he, when he's
dead, he's dead, uh, there is, uh, hell on earth, which was the final, uh, the last series
before the, the series ended where Hellboy returns to earth to finish the job, apparently.
Yeah.
So I guess he also brings people back to life.
Mike Magnola just like DC and Marvel.
Just not in the same way.
Yeah.
His, his is final DC Marvel.
It's okay.
They're back.
Uh, so yeah, we'll be covering a Hellboy for the foreseeable future.
A lot of lore.
So I gotta get my study on, make sure that I actually know what I'm talking about from
now on.
Be the foremost authority on Hellboy.
That was actually issue 37 page 19 paragraph two.
You can be the guy that's actually.
Actually.
Fuck you, sir.
I know what I'm talking about.
And then get your fedora and tip it.
Actually, Mike Magnola calls me like he's correct.
I guess I get calls from Mike Magnola.
Oh, do you remember?
You're actually wrong, Mike Magnola.
It was actually page 17.
You gotta have the list though.
I got to have it.
I'm sorry.
Or I would have to call a slush.
Actually.
Like as if you're wearing braces.
Oh man.
Actually.
Oh God.
So I didn't cover the Hellboy, the first one so well, I will be covering the comics a lot
better because I will be able to read them over and over again.
I'll be able to pick up on things.
And so cool.
We'll be good to go.
And you were saying that about Hellboy 2.
There's a reason why you didn't like it as much.
Okay.
So Hellboy 1 is it follows the tradition or the template or the theme or the genre.
I don't know which one is the best fit for it.
Oh, the Mike Magnola series, the gothic supernatural horror stories.
Hellboy 2 follows the Guillermo del Toro interest, which is the urban fantasy.
You can clearly tell the difference in both of them.
One is solid gothic supernatural horror, like in the tradition of the old gothic stories
like the vampires and the werewolves, like the old Edward and Ellen Poe type stories,
the real gothic stuff.
And then the other ones like the Guillermo del Toro, Pan's Labyrinth, where the fairies
and the elves and the dwarves and stuff and goblins.
And I'm like, man, that took quite a...
That's why when I was younger, I didn't realize I didn't have enough understanding of the
differences.
And sometimes I didn't like it, but I just saw a huge difference.
And I was like, well, that's...
Like two different themes, basically.
Yeah, like in Hellboy 1, right, they're going to this cemetery to awaken a dead body so
that they would tell them the location of this cathedral or like this hidden city, right?
In Hellboy 2, they go to the troll market, which is a mythical place that no one's ever
been to.
And you have like little...
You have two fairies.
So you're getting more into like a Harry Potter style fantasy.
Yeah.
And I'm like, I never knew that when I first...
But that's the Guillermo del Toro, down to a T.
Yeah.
That's his interest.
And then there was the second one, the golden something.
The golden army?
Yeah.
Okay.
I was making sure that wasn't a third movie that I didn't know about.
Yeah.
No third movie.
At least not under Guillermo del Toro.
Yeah.
But I'm wondering why he took his chicha, the vast difference.
That's not necessarily a 180 turn, but that's a good...
That's a huge left turn in the...
Yeah, like a whole different genre.
Yeah, that's definitely a left turn.
It's not supernatural anymore.
It's more like...
High fantasy almost.
Yeah.
It's like the underground cities and stuff.
I was gonna say...
On top of a regular human civilization.
Yeah, I was gonna say high fantasy, but that'd be more like Lord of the Rings.
But yeah, urban fantasy.
It'd be like the elves living on the fucking subway system underneath the subways.
Like a Harry Potter.
Like it's...
I was like, that's...
Because you're combining modern stuff with...
With old fantasy myths and stuff.
The old tokens type stuff.
Yeah.
Like dwarves and elves and goblins.
Right.
Or I was gonna say more of like urban legend type stuff.
Because like how there's always been elves and fairies and stuff and like Irish lore.
They even tell you like the lore of the tooth fairy, which was like the little tooth fairies.
They would actually...
The way they really darken them up, they would eat people's bones and skins and stuff, but
they would enjoy the teeth first because they love the calcium.
Yeah.
So that's how they became the tooth fairies.
Yeah.
And they romanticized them for kids.
Like, oh yeah, you know, you put your teeth underneath the thing, the tooth fairy could.
But the real lore is the dark fantasy lore.
Yeah.
So it's more dark fantasy than actual urban.
Yeah.
Like a mix of dark and urban.
But kind of like grim.
But not supernatural.
It's not like a demon, like being in prison.
Like in like...
Like a Hellboy story would be like a demon chained up by like the baptized chains of
some priest like St. Dionysus, like trapped in the cellar of a cathedral.
Right.
That would be a Hellboy story.
Or something that's been trapped there like during the Inquisition periods or something.
And like Gilmore stuff would be like, you know, the elves slowly fading from history
because their culture is being pushed back by technology and stuff.
Yeah.
So it's an interesting...
That is a definite 90 degree shift.
Yeah, I totally agree.
I was like, when I saw them like back to back, I'm like, what the fuck?
This is nowhere near what the other one was.
And that's why I said not a one, because a 180 would be like just going straight scientific.
Yeah.
But it's a good, hard 90 degree turn though.
Totally different genre.
So yeah, I was like a little bit confused.
I guess Mike Manolo just gave him the go ahead.
That is surprising.
It's still his property.
Maybe he had no control of the live action.
It's possible.
After the second one.
Or there are set standards at least.
Like you have to have certain things in the movies.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
Prince Nuada.
Because I know JK Rowling, like she had full control over her movies and stuff.
They were pretty faithful to the books, weren't they?
More or less.
Aside from like little things like eye color and stuff.
Yeah.
But not anything major, major.
But she, yeah, she had definitely control over it.
Man.
So yeah, like if you guys watch one and two, you'll see a drastic difference.
Isn't it a little bit brighter in coloring too?
Yeah, that's another thing.
Like it's more color popping.
Yeah.
Than the original.
Like just the cinematography of it is brighter.
It's just more like fantasy-ish.
Yeah.
Is it a grittier?
Yeah.
It's wild.
It's a wild difference when you can see a complete difference in the whole thing.
There's been a few movies, I'm trying to think of another example of it because I know there's
a bunch out there.
I'm like, huh?
Huh?
I'm going back and forth between the both of them.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Because it's not like whenever they made the Lord of the Rings series where they were all
basically the same style.
The Hobbit did differ a little bit for it, but not in a true 90 degree fashion.
I mean maybe the TV show, but that's a different-
A little, yeah, I can't forget there's a TV show.
The Rings of Power.
Yeah, I can't think of anything that like changed so vastly from one to the other.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, that movie is like a completely, it's almost like a soft reboot.
That is weird.
It's just the direction they took, I guess.
Yeah.
I mean-
Not to mention the third one was supposed to be something even stranger.
Really?
I think Hellboy's girlfriend from the first one, Liz, was pregnant and then maybe they
were supposed to be the Antichrist, the babies, or he was supposed to be the Antichrist.
I can't remember what Hellboy was supposed to be.
Yeah.
He never got made there?
The third one, no.
He never got enough funding.
I remember the 2019 one.
Rebooted everything.
I was like, it tried to be too crass, like on purpose, like Raiden R. so fuck yeah.
The character of Broomhold was always a refined Englishman.
Yeah.
So he was like, him swearing and saying, like, he didn't fit the character.
Kind of like how they did Alfred in the comic books eventually, like whenever they DC rebooted
it.
They made Alfred, he'd always been-
So fucking SAS agent now?
He's always known how to fight, but never like, they weren't pushing that.
They were trying to push Alfred as being like, he was secret service for, or like a secret
service anyway for the English, but he's past that age to do much.
You know what I mean?
He should have been more knowledge than like practicality or physicality.
Right.
And then they turned him into a fucking like, were he still buff as fuck?
It's like, oh, oh, he looks like, he's like fucking butcher from the fucking, the boys.
Oh, oh, oh, Bruce Wayne, it's me Alfred.
Fuck these guys.
I would have you ran him as fuck.
Oh, Mr. Wayne.
Even Zack Snyder's Brad Alford.
A Brad cup of tea, Mr. Wayne.
Fucking nose busted from getting a fist fight at the supermarket.
I fought for these.
That would be fucking weird if it was fucking Carl Urban as fucking Billy Butcher as fucking
Alfred Bettyworth.
It would be fucking hilarious.
So instead of saying, oh, Huey, oh, Brucey, we need to go get the Joker.
Joker's a real crazy mate, ain't he?
Let's go fuck him up.
Somebody's always a word burned, don't they?
That would be so fucked up.
It would be funny.
It would be fucking hilarious.
Like all the memes with the actor that plays Butcher where it's like Lord of the Rings.
Where it goes to every character that he's playing.
He's just, oh, yeah, just like, because I just, that's just the finest career.
That's his like, it broke.
That's his like breakout role.
Instead of, oh, hey Frodo, oh, Frodo, look at that ring of those Mountain Mowdaw, don't
you?
That's what he was known for before is Lord of the Rings.
Like everything else that he had played after that, it was always compared to the Lord of
the Rings role.
And now it's like, no, he's going to Billy Butcher.
No matter what he does anymore now.
I love it though.
That role, like he just, that's just his role.
He owned it.
It did fit him very, very well.
Or he just fit that character to a T.
They casted the role very well though.
Yeah, they did.
Don't you worry, Huey Me Boy.
Like what did you say?
Don't you worry Huey Me Boy.
Daddy's home.
Don't you worry Huey Me Boy.
I can't even say it fast enough or slow enough.
Don't you worry Huey Me Boy.
Daddy's home.
Imagine him saying that to Bertie.
I was, I was going all, I was, I was doing that shit forever.
Daddy's home.
Don't you guys worry.
Daddy's home.
And everybody's like, Oh God again.
He comes in his glass burlap on his shoulder.
Don't you worry, Boosie Boy.
Daddy's home.
My sheen out by daddy.
Beats the hell out of the Joker.
Boy, she did to my boy.
Well there's that run where like Alfred supposedly is the one that set up everybody.
Set him up?
Like he's the one that.
Made him all rich or something?
Well, set everything up for Bruce Wayne to be Batman.
Like where he's the one that created the Joker, the Riddler and all of them because they were
all friends of his.
Wasn't he like the one that was like, there was one where he was like dressing up as the
Joker?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
I remember kind of like what made me remember that.
Like that was the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
You seen that new comic book about Batman where he has that big ass fucking symbol and it
turned out to be an ax?
Yeah.
It is a series I was telling you about where it's more grounded in earth, but where Batman
is a, he's a construction worker or something like that.
He is?
Yeah.
He's not even rich.
What the fuck?
Wait.
Absolute Batman.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
And he's just an ax.
Yeah.
Wouldn't a sledgehammer fit better if he was a fucking construction worker?
And then Superman is grittier.
Wonder Woman is grittier.
Like it's.
There was one person that, and it was so poignant.
I was like, wow, I hope that's true.
So basically he was saying his theory about the absolute Batman and that huge bat symbol
was that throughout that issue, throughout that run, Batman suit will get more beat up.
The little stuff will get more scratched until eventually toward the very end, it'll, it'll
get shrunken down to the actual bat symbol.
I was like, that would be fucking phenomenal.
It's like, it would start as that huge thing, right?
Yeah.
And then as he like, you know, fights and, you know, triumphs and fails and it slowly
becomes Batman, Batman, right?
It would become the actual Batman symbol.
Like it would just break it.
That would be just like cut down itself from all the fucking battles.
Yeah.
And that the final issue, it just be the original.
The original symbol.
Like it would be like, like, uh, just like, uh, damaged into it, the original symbol,
right?
And I was like, beautiful.
And that's what he was saying was the theory.
And then it just starts off being fucking ax.
Like, well, fuck, I fucked them up there.
Cause the depth theory sounded better than what the shit drives into a baby.
I'll fucking ax on his fucking chest.
That's stupid.
If I, if I had read that as the writer, I'd be like, fuck, that's a good idea.
Let's go ahead and make a few adjustments.
Let's fix that.
So that turns into the actual bat symbol at the end.
No, no, let's do something really stupid.
Cause it was not, it does not look like the best one at all.
Right?
No, it don't.
And that's what he was saying.
Like it sounded like made sense, right?
Like it's fully morph into the symbol toward the end.
I'm like, it's beautiful.
Like, so he becomes Batman.
Yeah.
Like he's not Batman throughout the whole thing until the very end.
Where he's just a vigilante.
Right.
And then like, it just, it just like, he gets cut down into Batman, Batman.
But no, it's just a big ass ax.
Well, he's like, he's like, he must've been so sad.
I think some intelligence, right?
To think of that.
And he was like, cause he's like, he's fucking red, like fucking a war and peace.
And he's like, it's going to be beautiful.
Just like, just like Moby Dick.
We probably read a lot of Batman stories too.
And he was just hoping.
And then he was like, oh, that's not what I wanted.
That's the dumbest shit.
And then apparently Superman's not the, like the boy scout Superman.
No, no.
He's like where he will kill people.
It's like, that's not like the heart.
Really Superman.
No.
The thing about Superman is that he's held to a standard that nobody else holds.
Cause Superman.
Yeah.
Like it had always been a, uh, where Batman and Superman were the same people, just different
side of the coin.
So Superman was the boy scout and his mentality and the way he treated people and the way
he was like all bright and happy.
And then Batman was the boy scout.
And the fact that he was always prepared, always had the equipment, knew how to do stuff,
but they were the same like person almost just different sides of the coin.
The dark and the light side of it.
Now it's like, ah, they're both dark sides.
It's cool.
One kills them past and then one kills them.
I hit them with a fucking ax.
And then you got Wonder Woman just want to be there.
So I want to fight too.
And she fucking shaved some deuce skull in.
Which she already did Maxwell Lourdes.
Remember she flipped his neck around and the way, the way the panel, the way she fucking
twisted it three or four times.
Cause this shit looked like a fucking twisted.
This fucking my God, how many times did you twist his fucking neck?
She spun it once and it just spun.
Like I guess because you see it contort like around like a fucking spring.
And I'm like, that's spun at least twice.
She didn't bend that neck one time.
She spun around the castle.
She went like crank, crank that motherfucker crank crank twice or three times.
Which is so fucked up.
That's what it looked like to me when I saw it.
Yeah, that's what it looked like to a lot of people.
It's like, Oh, oh, that's what she fucking grabbed him by the head and just fucking kicked
his shoulders.
He just spun.
And he just, his neck just fucking started to twist.
Just holds the head in place.
It spins the body with a kick.
That'd be a horrible way to die wouldn't it?
A little bit.
Hopefully it's quick.
No one, no one DC is fucking survived and he just, he's just in a fucking hospital bed.
Like I'll get my revenge.
I think Maxwell Lord is alive still in the comics.
Of course.
I can't kill a DC and Marvel comic characters.
It's like one piece.
How many people can you possibly kill him?
You can't just let him die.
He sure can't kill.
I think he's only killed like two or three characters.
Yeah.
If I think about it, right?
Maybe more.
I mean, even fairy tale killed off more than that.
And fairy tale was not known for like fairy tale is what it's a good anime, but it's a
friendship prevails over all type of anime where your enemies eventually become your
allies type thing.
Be dumb as hell.
But there's actually been people that have died in the anime.
We're friends now.
But you're gonna have to fucking kill me.
Yeah.
Three times.
Now not every villain becomes an ally.
But like a joker just one day like, I want to be a good guy.
No.
I'm the crown prince of the clown prince of justice.
The clown prince of crime.
Bam is that what the fuck ever.
I thought you joker fucking there.
So messed up.
So get ready for Hellboy.
Well look forward to that then.
I got my issues coming this week.
You'll be the lore expert on it.
I will be.
Give me three months.
I'll be the smartest Hellboy fit man ever.
I was gonna say be the strongest Hellboy in the universe.
I'll be Hellboy.
Just get one of those.
Get a cinder block and put it on your arm.
It's like what now?
Start beating the shit out of people with it.
It's just be random as hell.
The average justice knows no sex.
Just flip out your tits like there's the hammer.
Just fucking hit someone in the face with a fucking sledgehammer for no reason.
Justice.
I mean Batman's got axes so.
Of all the weapons too an axe.
For a kid that's never killed anybody.
I know.
I guess they're gonna try to do something with that.
It's like with Leonardo and the fucking blades.
Yeah.
You know damn well Ninja Turtle killed some people.
Two fucking swords.
Mostly with Raphael.
Also had the fucking side.
The side?
Yeah I'm like come on now.
And with Raphael's anger.
You know he stabbed somebody through the throat.
You can't tell me Michael didn't cave someone skulling with those nunchucks.
Yeah.
But.
Like oh.
Oh shit.
Oh my god.
They fucking freak out like they're like 15.
They kill somebody for the first time.
They go back to Splinter's house and they don't say a word.
It's like how was it?
How did it go my sons?
It was fine.
It was good.
Why you got the rat just stroking his beard?
No one's dead.
Really?
And then he just drags the body out?
What is it?
Who is this?
Oh shit.
Thank god.
That would be fucked up.
Fuckin' Fugito Key.
One day he comes into the fucking den and just throws a Playboy on the table.
Who's this?
It's like uh.
It's just box turtles.
It's a fucking Playboy Lola Rabbit.
It's segue now.
Alright well I guess moving into our character spotlight this week.
We go from one demon of being Hellboy to Trigun from DC Comics.
He's a demon?
Yeah.
So he's an alien.
Alien demon.
Interdimensional demon.
Yeah.
His first appearance was in New Teen Titans number 2 in December of 1980 as a cameo.
And then the New Teen Titans number 4 in February of 1981 as a full appearance.
So he made a cameo a year before he actually appeared.
Before.
You betcha people were like what the fuck is that guy?
So basically Trigun is a sadistic, cruel, dangerous, and powerful demon of inter and
extradimensional origin.
Okay.
Trigun is a result of the mating between a female member of a mystic sect and the god
that they worshipped.
That sounds about right.
Yeah.
A side effect of this pairing is that their child was filled with the cast off evil energies
of the inhabitants of Azerath forming him into their personification.
So even though he was born of this god and lady, he basically absorbed all their emotional
energy from this entire society of Azeroth.
At birth Trigun killed everyone around him including his own mother.
At the age of 1 he ruled an entire planet.
At the age of 6 he destroyed an entire planet.
At the age of 30 he held dominion over millions of worlds in his dimension.
At the age of 33 he retired.
There is some confusion regarding the origins of Trigun as he claims to have existed as
formless energy since the beginning of his own universe while the energies cast off by
Azer and Azeroth simply allowed him to take physical form roughly a thousand years before
DC's present day.
So he claims to have existed kind of like a unbodied entity basically.
Now he has a body so he possessed some random kid.
Right.
Arela was a depressed woman who decided to join a cult known as the Church of Blood that
was trying to summon Trigun.
Where the ritual was performed Trigun disguised as a handsome male emerged and married Arela.
After making love Arela discovered Trigun's true nature after seeing his true form.
Trigun sends Arela back to earth and Arela is pregnant and at the brink of suicide when
she is found by an extra dimensional cult and is brought to Azeroth where she gives
birth to their daughter Raven.
He gives a fucking letter in the mail.
Chiles is born.
What the fuck.
He's like what the fuck is this.
The worst thing he's ever seen in existence.
Bitch I wore a condom.
I'm gonna throw this shit down.
And it was an extra dimensional one.
The best kind.
Extra loose.
Raven is brought up to control her emotions to suppress the control and the demonic powers
she inherited from Trigun.
During this time Trigun was aware of his daughter's whereabouts but rarely intervened.
I keep confusing Trigun with Trigun.
Oh Trigun.
Yeah.
Instead of Trigun.
Yeah.
It's pretty close.
I can't help it.
Except whenever a wild stampede.
What the fuck was his name?
I think he was a wild stampede.
The most deadliest villain ever.
You know it was all because he was just clumsy as fuck the entire time.
It wasn't because he actually tried to destroy stuff.
Wasn't he actually like a badass though?
Yeah.
But he wasn't trying to destroy anything.
It just happened.
He also had a weird like a, cause it was supposed to be like a colony.
Sent to a different planet to colonize and they ended up on this desert planet by accident.
They never really expanded on that at all.
No they really didn't.
That old western fucking country that our planet they lived on from now on.
So well we live in the desert everywhere, desert everywhere left and right.
No explanation really about it.
He was animate to have some random origin that's never touched on a vine again.
It probably does.
Or in the manga somewhere buried deep.
I feel like this is how it all happened.
Yeah like it was a fucking, I swear it was a colony, a space ship.
They crash landed on accident on this planet and they never talked about it.
No other planet.
No other fucking ship ever came looking for them or anything.
Like wherever they were going.
The earth is just somewhere out of the middle of nowhere.
Yeah it was a weird concept.
But he never did explain it.
Cause I'm guessing in the writers head he couldn't conceptualize it on earth.
But he wanted it to be the future.
But he wanted it to be the old west.
So the only way he could like allow it is for it to be on a different planet entirely.
Yeah you couldn't do it really with.
At least in his head is what I'm saying.
Yeah.
I mean they kind of did that with Fallout where you have kind of a western-ish feel.
New Vegas was like immediately went straight back to Cowboys.
That's our natural state.
Cowboy.
Go back to Cowboy.
At least a while.
No fucking pack animals arrived though.
No.
But you sure had to fucking walk everywhere.
Cowboys.
Without the donkeys.
And no fucking horses or nothing.
Cowboys.
Red Dead Redemption without the horses?
Basically yeah.
You got the horses or everything.
And a few technology pieces.
Yeah.
A lot actually.
Yeah.
They had assault rifles and robots and all sorts of bullshit.
Cowboys.
And a cowboy hat.
Go back to that's our natural state though.
Alright.
Except with the renegade monk named Juras attempting to cast Raven as an infant into
another dimension to avert her potential threat.
Trigun struck him down at the moment of the deed and allowed the cult to keep her safe
for the time being.
Raven learned of Trigun's intentions to conquer the earth and failed to stop him.
She initially approached the Justice League but they refused her on the advice of Zatanna
who sensed her demonic parentage.
So Zatanna's like fuck this.
No I'm good.
I don't even want to fuck it.
No.
In desperation she reformed the Teen Titans with several new members to fight her father.
The Teen.
Yeah.
The Teen was eventually able to defeat Trigun and seal him into an interdimensional prison.
However Raven still had to fight her father's influence as he was not completely destroyed.
Trigun eventually escaped and came to earth taking control of Raven and destroying Azerath
in the process.
The Titans came together and tried to fight Trigun but were contaminated by his demonic
influence and killed Raven.
This allowed the souls of Azerath to possess her and use her as a channel to kill Trigun.
The demonic possession had been part of a plan to defeat Trigun as the Titans would
never have killed Raven on their own.
Blasting him out of existence with a beam of purifying light, although Trigun was gone
his followers led by Brother Blood have tried to revive him several times.
So wait they destroyed him out of existence?
Yeah.
You know the end of that panel should have been like Raven should have been like Trigun
who?
Yeah.
He just never existed.
Yeah that's the whole point.
Not existing means not existing.
Yeah.
Or does that mean like him existing from this point on?
I think from this point on.
Okay because I would have just been like Trigun.
It would have been really cool though to do that.
Because like I would make it to where like if even a fucking smattering of his essence
or existence of his belief is enough to germinate enough of his entity to start reforming.
So even if someone even like you like even mentioned his whisper of his name or you know
what I mean?
So if you completely just take him from all of existence so no one even knows he's real
or no belief in him at all.
Right.
Or kind of like taking the concept of American Gods.
Yeah.
Or taking it completely off and like he's gone forever.
So if Trigun who would have been fucking the coldest line in DC comics.
But no they can't do that.
Hey DC I'm available.
All I do is write mostly pornography.
So we have the sons of Trigun right?
So Raven notices that Trigun has returned and is responsible for the recent attacks
on past and present members of the Teen Titans.
The cause of his resurrection from the dead has not been revealed but the motive for his
renewed attacks is that a war with rival demons has spread Trigun's forces too thinly
and left him desperately weak which forces him to turn his focus on Earth in hopes of
creating a new power base.
So why would you?
Why would you try to?
You're fighting on another friend you can't you're losing right?
Yes.
So let me go to the one so densely populated with meta humans.
Yeah.
This will be the one I can conquer.
Three of Trigun's sons Jacob, Jared and Jesse.
Wow great names.
JJJ?
Yeah.
They play a significant part.
The fact that they're just regular human sounding names.
It's just the most human of everything.
This is Jacob.
Raven isn't even less human than these.
It's very nice.
Hers is an exotic name.
Yeah.
But fucking Jacob, Jesse.
Jared.
This is Jared.
Last name Fogel.
Recently out of prison.
Trying to reform himself.
Perfectly because he was born of a demon.
They play a significant role in his return to life.
The brothers can respectively induce the seven deadly sins of wrath, lust and envy in the
others.
They attempt to attempt to open the portal to Trigun's realm but then betray their father
and steal what little power he has left.
This actually makes Trigun proud of them for proving to be just as evil as
he is.
He's like, I'm proud of you son.
As he holds their fucking dismembered head, I'm proud of you son.
You almost got me.
He throws it in the pile of other heads.
You almost got me.
The trio leave thinking that they have gained great power and Trigun is left trapped in
his realm.
However, the three brothers then return and corrupt Raven making her their ally.
Eventually they are defeated by Raven and the Titans.
Then we have the new 52 version of Trigun.
You know how the new 52 always fucks stuff up.
It's been a thread throughout all of these.
The new 52 does something stupid.
They do quite the curve on these characters for sure.
Yes.
So in September of 2011 the new 52 rebooted DC's continuity.
In this new timeline, Trigun makes his post-Flashpoint debut in issue number one of the Phantom Stranger.
In this incarnation, Trigun has an extra set of eyes, giving him six in total.
So originally he didn't have six.
He has struck a bargain with the Stranger to return his offspring Raven, living under
the assumed name of Rachel Roth, to him.
In return he pledges to spare Earth from his armies that were ready to search the Earth
for her.
He's about to build a relationship with his daughter.
Make up for lost time just to see her.
He's bargaining that he won't destroy the Earth if he can just spend time with her.
That would be the funniest shit.
He's at the coffee shop.
He's like, so you like your coffee?
She wants to do nothing to do with him.
He's like, I'm just trying to be a good father.
I know I'm going to have to for a millennia.
A literal millennia?
Give me a chance.
Fuckin' change.
He wanted to take her to go play laser tag.
Fuckin' disintegrates the other players.
Not with actual laser games in his eyes.
He's like, I'm gonna raise him.
So having already destroyed Azeroth years ago, in the new 52 it is revealed that Trigon
has at least four children or Raven is the youngest.
Her older brothers are named Belial, Ruskoff, and Suge.
Boring.
Who are the other originals?
Jesse James?
Jesse, Jacob, and Jared.
They're all porn star names.
Jenna Jameson.
Belial is the oldest and the most civilized according to himself, of three brothers.
Oh yeah.
I tied myself up too.
Later Trigon returns to Earth, feeling confident in having swayed Raven to his side during
their time together in his demonic realm, where time flows differently.
Trigon is shown to be the ruler of six kingdoms known as the Underrealms, a collective title
for the planets and dimensions he's conquered, although he has since grown bored with the
dull responsibility of ruling over them.
At first he ruled through his own power, then through conquest on the battlefield, and finally
through Sutterfridge.
His ultimate goal is to unite all seven realms and pass the mantle of leadership to Raven,
whom he believes will mold them in her own image, something only she can do as she has
a capacity to love and emotion Trigon cannot feel or comprehend.
If anybody says all this stuff about Raven, right?
Him wanting her to take his mats and all this, right?
Right in front of his fucking sons?
Oh wow, thank you.
As part of the DC Villains Month, Trigon replaced the Teen Titans as the main characters in
their book for one issue, with Deathstroke taking over the next one.
The Teen Titans book resumed publishing after Villains Month concluded, though unconfirmed
the Villains Month event leaves Trigon's origins in questions.
Long ago in another universe, a trinity of beings called the Divine attempted to eradicate
evil using the Heart of Darkness.
Whenever the Divine returned to a world they believed liberated, they find it in other
chaos along with the being they believe to be responsible only because he appears not
to be one of the planet's inhabitants.
As they have done billions of times before, they sentence him and his two guards to the
Heart of Darkness, hoping that it would consume the evil within them.
However, they were horrified whenever the stranger not only resisted being consumed
by the Heart of Darkness, absorbing the evils of billions of worlds and mutating them into
a being that would be known as Trigon.
Now driven by an insatiable hunger for evil, Trigon moves slowly from universe to universe,
spreading corruption and sin among the worlds he finds to sustain himself.
Much later, Trigon encounters a woman wearing a suit of armor specially crafted to counter
his immense powers.
Though neither is able to slay the other, Trigon is forced to retreat, swearing that
members of his blood would return in their thousands to destroy the wearer of the silent
armor.
Trigon has since set his plans into action, only to run into the problem that most of
the mothers of his children being unable to survive mating with him.
I don't like going into a so much darker area.
Leaving Trigon with only three sons, all of whom he considers failures.
You know, you're not my daughter.
You're all fucking useless.
Unlike her, she's worth something.
Even one day, he has brought a human woman from Earth, Arela, who gives him his first
daughter Raven, the most powerful of Trigon's children.
And the Conquest-
My favorite daughter, by the way, sent you three pieces of shit.
This goes- they would be- they'd just go talk this shit on all three of his sons day and
night.
And the reason why Trigon not targets Earth for Conquest, and the really fucked up part,
is that during the DC rebirth event, which is after the New 52-
Did it say that in the really fucked up part?
I'm adding the fucked up part.
Trigon was killed by Bizarro.
What?
Killed?
Yeah, by Bizarro, and the DC reaper.
I can see that.
Wait, what up his asshole?
Came out of his mouth.
What the hell?
Well, what's funny is that Trigon is one of the few that can actually go toe to toe with
Darkseid.
Like the true essence Darkseid, not the one that Superman fights on a regular basis, but
like the real, like, the godhead.
Not to get these hands, Darkseid.
No, not that one.
The actual Darkseid.
His powers and abilities.
So Trigon is one of the most powerful demonic beings in the DC universe.
He possesses superhuman strength, speed, agility, reflexes, stamina, senses, durability, and
intelligence.
Trigon is strong enough to gut Ares, the god of war, and knock around the members of
Superman's regime.
Fast enough to keep up with the likes of Superman and the Flash, and is virtually impervious
to most methods of attacks, having shrugged off attacks from the Teen Titans and reality
warping imp Mr. Mxpitalik.
He can also fuck at a superhuman level.
Apparently.
And form failures.
Very useless children.
He can fly, teleport himself and others to various locations, and even break through
the barriers of other universes with enough power.
His ability to belittle his three sons is astounding.
He can break you down mentally too.
These failures.
I'm not a parent right?
So I don't know how to do it.
But they were just those buttons right?
They're just hitting that one spot.
Like oh.
I just devastated you for the rest of the week.
It was like oh.
Why can't you be like your sister Raven?
She's actually important.
She's useful.
His common methods of attacks are his energy and hellfire blasts.
His energy blasts are powerful enough to one shot both the Teen Titans and the Justice
League and his hellfire blasts were strong enough to burn Mr. Mxpitalik.
So fifth dimension imp.
He also likes to attack his enemies with energy blasts fired from his eyes.
He also attacks his son with snide comments.
Every opportunity he can.
He's also skilled using telekinesis.
Being able to catch.
Being able to catch his friends.
Being able to use it on such a scale that he can manipulate the fundamental forces of
the universe and distort the space time continuum.
He can additionally manipulate matter transmute elements and warp reality to the point where
he's able to effortlessly turn the earth and all its inhabitants into stone.
Bring people back to life as skeletons and dissipate the atoms of his minion Simon through
light while allowing him to remain conscious.
He lacks the ability to turn his sons into anything useful.
That's his weakness.
The Trigon can also create, summon a materialized dark energy, shapeshift and manipulate his
size to become as tall as a skyscraper or as small as an average man.
Being a demon, Trigon also has a habit of devouring souls but has once devoured the
souls of an entire universe on a massive scale.
Also in the New 52 Trigon devoured the evil heart of darkness artifact which causes him
to be hungry for evil and allows him to grow stronger in the presence of evil energies
or beans by feeding on their evil.
He's also a master of sorcery.
Being able to fire blasts of mystical eldritch energy at opponents, mind control thousands
of beans or break them down mentally.
Well, his two three sons.
Cast powerful illusions or even temp-
He's not powerful enough to make his sons- make him love his sons.
Really?
He's either to all of them known fucking hilarious.
Or even temporarily or permanently grant other beings with superpowers like the time he transforms
an ordinary guy into someone with vast psychic powers.
Except his three children.
Can't do shit with them.
No, he can't.
When Trigon gets hurt, he has a powerful healing factor to fall back on which allows him to
regenerate from virtually nothing.
He can't heal the pain of having three or less fucking sons.
The speed at which he can heal is unknown.
Alongside this, his mind is unblocked by the entire universe meaning he has extensive knowledge
of events before they will happen and often notice his opponent's next move before said
enemy even decides it and is aware of practically everything that is going on in the plane of
existence he's in.
Except for being able to-
He can't predict the absolute absurd-
It has failed your nose?
Level of imb- imb- I can't even say the right word.
He can predict the entire scope of the existence except for how awful his three sons are going
to be.
The imbecility?
The imbecility of their actions.
He can't predict that.
He's dry.
It doesn't work.
So I bring him to the Heart of Darkness and I got a dad and he fucking tripped and breaks
it right in front of him like, oh, you dumb mother-
That's the first thing I've got to do.
You stupid, second shit.
If I didn't love your mother as much as I did, I'd fucking kill you.
And I hated hers.
I can't even stand her.
But I hate you more.
And it's out of that little bit of love I had for her.
But I don't kill you now.
Jeopardy?
I wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy.
All three of you.
Superman couldn't say that.
He could do that.
He could do that to Halifax's children early on.
You can just picture the things that he says to them.
Why he looks at Raven like this goddess.
She can do no wrong.
That's his little princess.
Like you'll say, that's basically what it would be.
It would be the dad with three sons and one daughter that he fucking holds above on a
pedestal.
There is no wrong that she could ever do?
In his eyes, right.
There's no right they could ever do.
They grant him a million universes.
They give him a hole.
They have Superman beaten to death.
He was weak by kryptonite.
You guys didn't do shit.
You couldn't even get him without the kryptonite, could you?
That's exactly what he would say.
So say we paired one demon for another.
We had Hellboy and then we got Trigon.
Last week we had Etrigan.
Yeah, this is a demon weekend.
Everybody's on demon time as it is.
All right, moving into our part three and final part.
The last four Eldritchs.
Yep, last five.
Five.
So this week we start off with Nocturnal.
Nocturnal is a Daedric prince or Daedric princess whose fear is the night, darkness and mystery.
She is also known as the Lady of the Night, which is-
What the fuck?
How the fuck does he fucking say it?
I am the thing that I fear.
What the Lady of the Night is in a prostitute?
My thought was like, she's afraid of the night.
How is she the Lady of the Night?
She's not afraid of the night.
Is that what it said?
No, no, she is the darkness.
She is what darkness is.
I thought it was like afraid of darkness, lol, this is stuck.
I guess I misheard that.
Whose fear is the night, darkness and mystery.
Whose fear?
Sphere.
I didn't mishear it.
Yeah, not fear is.
Right.
If I hadn't learned how to enunciate, we wouldn't have this issue.
I do want to pay attention.
The Mistress of Shadows, the Unfathomable Mistress of Shadows, the Shadow Thief, the Unfathomable,
the Empress of Merk, the Shadow Queen, the Shadowy Hag while donning her cowl.
They have to put that in, it's like that-
While donning her cowl.
Otherwise she's not a hag.
The Lady of the Twilight, the Daughter of Twilight, the Lady of Shadows, the Mistress
of Mystery, the Mother of Shadows, Lady Luck, the Night Mistress, the Prince of Night and
Darkness and the Saint of Suspicion.
Ah Lady Luck, you fickle bitch.
The most prestigious title Nocturnal goes by is the title Ur-Dra, which implies that
she is the eldest and most powerful of the Daedric Princes, and is a title which the
Imperial Geographical Society claims nearly all the royalty of Oblivion recognize.
The title was also used by the ancient Khajiit to describe Nymeria, the eldest spirit.
While this belief conflicts with Nocturnal's claim over the title, it does compliment her
claim that she is part of the original void, in that she came from the Black Blood of the
Dark Heart or Lorkach, which is a piece of the primal void.
Nocturnal herself claims that before Oblivion there was Nocturnal.
Armaeus Mora is similarly called Ur-Draea, who is the elder than Ada, is what his title
means.
Ada.
We see that again.
For Ephraim, which others apparently still hate.
Meridia because the light one, the Meridia's Beacon, Meruun's Dagon and Azura.
She doesn't like any of them.
But Nocturnal is also one that's over the Thieves' Guild.
So like thatMAN!!!!!!!!
So, like that grey cowl that you can wear, I bet was hers.
Then we have Piraite.
Piraite.
Perite is one of the seven daedric princes that dwell within the realm of oblivion as the daedric prince of pestilence
His sphere of influence includes tasks natural order not to be confused with the perfect order of a jiggle ag
Because jiggle ag is perfect order. This is natural order. Well, he's not trying to control shit
Jiggle ag run. Yeah
contamination and pestilence
contamination
pure I
Herpes
Yeah, that's basically what it is. Here I'd sphere is described as ordering the lowest orders of oblivion
He is also known as the Daedra of pestilence and plague the taskmaster
the taskmaster
the blighted Lord
Figuring father the Lord of an affection and pestilence to bring her of disease and pestilence the Lord of natural order
The master of tasks instead of the taskmaster
The taskmaster and the Lord of abundant pus and bountiful vomit. I know
You know what happened today?
Lord I already tell you no
so I get called at work to one of the aisles and apparently I get there and
And they never tell you what's going on to get around the corner of it
Of course, but they're like, oh this kid threw up all over the toy section and I'm like, yeah like oh man
I don't want to have to deal with vomit today. So I do mind the little neck
We got a fucking battlefield and I got to get around the corner and the the moms clean up the vomit and she's
distorted into a box and like thank you Jesus and
So I take the box I throw it outside they clean it up with the like
Disinfectant spray and all this stuff. Yeah, they wipe it down. So
I'm like, oh, thank God
So I get I go back to the counter because it's busy
it's a busy day and I help on the register and the mom and I guess it was two moms and
The kids come to my register, right?
and I had get to them I have get I had gifted him the disinfectant spray or like the
like it's just it's a spray bottle of like just chemicals like a
multi-purpose cleaner, I guess yeah and
And some paper towels they could have for cleaning up the mess. Yeah, let him have it and
Who the kid just turns and I?
Was up all over the the front of my counter
Vomit number two, but they have to clean up again
I think that the cleaner the favorite already. Yeah, they have the
Multi-purpose cleaner
I get to clean you better take that kid to the damn hospital
I'm now if he's throwing up tap any times like and he's just please don't I just fucking spewing too
Oh, how did he have so much left in him from the first one?
It was a fucking chunk of stuff. Oh
How about your math I remember no you found out today no, yeah
I'm chunky and white. Oh, oh, it's even worse
All right, a pair I blesses his worshipers with diseases
Here's some crap, you know, I love each
It is considered one of the more destructive princes
He has depicted typically depicted as a green four-legged dragon and often takes a form of one of one
With the likeness to akatosh, which is the lead God basically within Skyrim and elders
So interesting choice a dragon. Yeah, but he's trying to copy akatosh because akatosh is the one that comes up in oblivion
We're the divides. Yeah, the divine. Yeah, I read one again around think I read one of the books in the in Skyrim
Yeah, the divine religion and I you join join them join the church. I mean, no, thank you
But akatosh is like the one that actually fought my runes dig on and
Oblivion at the end of it. Mm-hmm, like when you actually fight interesting. I gotta play oblivion. Yep. I'll be a cool battle scene to watch
And the graphics aren't as great as you play but yeah, look for the time it must be like
It was for the time. Yes, cuz he's like the like he literally like you summon the god again
GTA 4 came out and that was like these graphics are great
So maybe they didn't do as well as they should have now for that anyway, like for an RPG game
It was great. Even Skyrim is like, yeah the graphics are you know until you got the mods all blocky and still yeah
They don't look that like realistic. Then you play like then you play the Witcher. It's like oh, he's nice
So with the likeness of to akatosh seen as some primordial and curious jest
Period occasionally appears as a ghost apparition of a vermin such as skeevers
The coiling snake like dragon and the skeever are to appear its most sacred symbols the Nordic goddess Kain
Which is the one that you fixed the tree for in Skyrim?
But chose the tree. Yeah where you get it to heal
Does like I plant like a new seed or something? Well, there's two ways to do it
but yeah, that's one of no clean fight the new seed or you can die go up there and
Like attack the tree with the little dagger. Oh, I didn't know that part
Yeah, and you get you basically kill all the people in that cave. Oh because of it
But kind is said to give period the souls of skeevers whenever they die
Period is considered one of the weakest princes though, which he doesn't know. Yeah. Next one we have up is sanguine
Sanguine known as known to his worshipers as the Lord of revelry
the blood made pleasure
You know, yeah, and this is the one and he who tastes the shaven fruit
Like everybody knows what that means
All right, he has the danger prance whose sphere is
hedonistic revelry the pottery wild orgies and passionate indulgences of darker natures he did he say you
Sanguine
He took human form on their planet he's got a thousand bottles of baby oil
As the danger prints of lust perversity and unnatural sexual relations
I'll just throw that a great idea for you guys for a mission in the next the next elders rose game
Have sanguine but make it look like he got me and then when you go to his realm, there's just bottles every
Empty bottles and we won't say what it actually Emily on the way
You don't have to say that it's like they don't have to look like bottles of baby baby oil, but like a little pots every
We get it
Like we'll understand
Anything anything in excess is his motto
So his PJ sanguine is depicted as a portly yet muscular crimson skin man with demonic hidden horns tusks
Usually with a bottle in his hand or a whore under his thumb a bottle is got that baby oil or a whore under his thumb
It's p diddy. All right. Yep. He is thought to control thousands of small realms called the myriad realms of revelry
That's p diddy for sure
Yeah, just thousands of rooms in his mansion
for memory
Next one up we have is share gore. I wish it was P. D. Last
Show gore. That's the danger prints of madness fourth corner of the house of troubles the scum a cat
We Lord of the never there
Lord of the never there raver
Comforter of men the trickster come to a call
Yeah
So that man man love and
sovereign of shivering aisles where you meet Jigalang and
The shivering isle that's all will be in is that
That's that's a bloomin. I mean, yeah
It was one of their DLC is do ya his fear is madness and creativity and his motives are said to be unknowable
He has sometimes referred to as the mad star the mad Lord mad one the mad God
Or damn dog and uncle shio
Uncle among other things his realm best known as the shivering aisles has also been called the madhouse
Yeah, that's for sure
The band it's been made a cameo or like a reappearance in skyroady. Yeah, where you go to his realm
Yeah, but everybody assumes that it was the main character of oblivion that became she agorath really yeah
Oh, it's like that's like the the leery. Yeah, like not like hardcore lore, but the theory type lore
It's believed that those who go there lose their sanity forever of course only the mad god himself may get lucid I never had
Of course only the mad god himself may decide who has the privilege to enter the Golden Saints or
Orioles and dark seducers or a maskeen or his servants
The mad god typically manifests on Nirn as a seemingly harmless well-dressed man often carrying a cane a guy so prevalent
He has often been coined gentleman with a cane
Fearful obsidians of shio gret is widespread in Tamriel and he plays an important part and done Mary religious practice
Shagor a summoning day falls on the mad
Pelagius's day you remember who pelagius's
He's the one that you have to grab that hip bone for him in skyrim the Chester. Yeah
Well not Cicero
Oh take when you find the hip bone of Pelagius and you said it in a certain spot
I can't remember where but uh, that's when you're like you walk into the portal for shagor. Oh, oh
Did you find pelagius's hip bone? Oh, it's just
weird
So stupid you gotta find the funny bone
That'll give you to my realm
Next one is verminah
I called the prince of dreams and nightmares the gifter the mistress of nightmares and dark portents the lady of nightmares the weaver of
dreams the queen of nightmares weaver of the
panoply
Daedric lady of corruption and decay the dream weaver and the dark lady is a Daedric prince whose sphere is the realm of dreams and
Nightmares and from whose realm evil omens is she forth as well as corruption and decay all mortals come under her sway as they
Sleep she is considered one of the more demonic Daedra and that she she is destructive for the sake of causing destruction
Her method being torture. She is disguised disgusted by mortals who?
Maintain a moral compass instead of taking the light and those who commit outrageous sins or are unafraid to kill in pursuit of power
Laymen know her for her reputation as the Daedric prince of nightmares and evil dreams
For main verminas plane of oblivion is quagmire could not get any quite. I
was a giga to be said
From my first thought is giga
Described by observers by a nightmarish land it is said verminah
hungers for the memories of mortals collecting them from her citadel at the center of her realm and
Leaving them with visions of horror and despair every few minutes reality shifts and becomes even more horrifying
It is not known what verminah does with these memories, but it is also it is assumed to be malevolent
So we don't know what she does with what the fuck she does with them, but it's just assumed
She's doing some bullshit. She does a real fuck that shit with him. We don't know for sure, but we know for sure
What can I say from past experience and knowledge what one would do
Remain as said to be the enemy of everyone the same one that everybody's a fucking enemy of
Man, we're going to give hands to everybody apparently
Boethiah she doesn't like her she doesn't like peri-ite or peri-ite
The disease one and she doesn't like him. She doesn't like her meas mora. She doesn't like the STDs. No, but she is an ally of sangui
She is also at odds with Azura her summoning day coincides with the murder of the
Suns height suns height suns height so at the the day when the sun's out the longest
That's the day you summon her because people are less scared since there's not as much nighttime sleep. Yeah
Yeah, that's all of the Daedric Lord's 18 of them. I believe in total. Why is a lot of them?
Yeah, then no pity was on the list but go figure Pete diddy. I know he did he's even in it like nobody assumed that
Everything with his baby oil
There's so many of those memes going around with other the cops when they got to Peter's house or just slide
Here's your IV get your fluids back up
Cleaned them. Yeah, that is fucked up though
People freaks and this weather called free calls with that with enough fucking money
You can do whatever you want to pay for it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
And this weather called freak off with that was enough fucking money. You can do whatever you want apparently
You want to be a freak and be a freak and it made it those guest list
Kevin Hart is that you?
what was it can't believe I've had a joke a long time ago in the
The the pimp Chronicles when he wore the green suit and everything where he's like, there's some places you go to and
You look in a room and you see two dudes kissing. They like that you be duty
Like you knew about it before yeah, yeah, that's tough what's been happening for years and years
Yeah in years and the way he used to yes, but imagine what he did to Justin Bieber in years
Well, no, it was baby
Hey, this sucks though. Yeah, there's a fuck away from pd. Yeah
I fuck that one rapper where he's running from him. He's like now we party or like
When pd used to say daddy, I like it when you act like that. It's like what?
That's why 50 cent keeps good. There's so many jokes from 50 cent. They're like ragging on him forever now. I
Told y'all I told y'all
I told you he was this way don't listen to you
He'll listen to the truth
What have I ever lied?
Compared to everybody else. He really seems to be not lying very much just on Texas. Hey, man, don't we all exactly?
All right, rain moving some reddit. Yeah, and you know, I thought about it
I missed the opportunity to get a bunch of funny credit in there because the last episode number was 69
I was yeah, then we're at the 69 69. I'm gonna be in Sanities and insanity. Yeah, we're up to number 70 today
I'm going to take a nap
First one is by name about potatoes
This person puts I am definitely going to delete this later. I'm posted this under my anonymous account
Here we are
I'm just hoping that maybe there is some other people here who've done something similar or nurses that can tell me worse stories
About our work to make me feel better about myself or at least maybe a little mockery will turn this from being humiliating
Story to a funny one. You know today I had an egg retrieval operation in the hospital as part of an egg donation
This is a surgical procedure in which a needle is inserted into the vaginal wall of the ovary collecting mature eggs to be fertilized
Oh damn. Yeah
The retrieval is done under anesthetic while I'm going to blame which I'm going to blame for all of my poor decisions
What the fuck happened? What do you do? Everything was going swimmingly until I woke up for about 10 minutes
I was totally fine. Then I felt like absolute shit
I've done this before I've done this once before but it didn't hurt this bad. It felt like period pain
If you're confused, they were the ones doing the so that she was a nurse
No, or he was I don't know wait, so she was she she was getting the operation done take the eggs out of her
Yes, because she was donating eggs to a hospital. He only donates so many eggs though
Apparently they made it to where you can get 25
Damn, they can make 25 and then we got like a billion. I got a bill you're from right now
Yeah, cuz I skipped over the short little part because it I don't think it'd be relevant, but I'll go ahead and add it
It says while normally you you only have one injections are administered for about two weeks beforehand
To increase the number of eggs matured in one cycle in my case. There were about 25 eggs. Jesus. Hey, that's a lot of eggs
Yeah, imagine had she was pregnant 25 babies old man. Oh, yeah stomach would burst. I
Don't even think it would work. No, it wouldn't work. I think but what that I'll talk to mom
Was this close? She got to fucking die and she had like eight babies in her. Yeah, Jesus imagine that pussy after oh my god
What do you mean? She can't poke him at the asshole at that point?
We got the vert that we got to divert the flow
change the river
So switch the tracks this one can't take it anyway tunnels done came in
Time to come out the apple
You got to coming out same time Jesus hey, there's a lot though. Yeah, I don't know she was gonna fucking die
Weren't they all born premature to
If I have to be so they can all come I there's not enough nutrition for all of them
They were fighting for scraps
How was she eating to keep them all alive
She's over here in 40,000 calories a day. Jesus. I just realized how fucking logistically insane that is. It was very crazy
All right, uh, we'll see then I felt like absolute shit I've done this before but it didn't hurt this bad
It felt like having period pain. It was like having 25 particularly bad period pains at once
Ouch, the cramps were so bad. One of the first things I did once it hit was roll over and throw up
Oh damn, I had fucking gas cramps the other day
I can't imagine period cramps. You know when you can't fart you're like, oh
That's what I'm saying like if that hurt I can't even imagine period pain
Although I'm my bubblegum although to be fair women do not know what blue balls feel like
Yeah, they're not that I never had in that bad. No, you can't get them though. Yes. I'm just lucky
I hear that has truly fucking brutal
There was an IV in my left arm
So I didn't want to curl up onto my left side on top of it and tried to curl up on my right
But that left my eye that left my left arm in a very uncomfortable position, too
So I opted to roll onto the feudal position while lying on my back
That is where my knees are lifted into the air against my chest and my calves and feet hover in parallel to the bed
This did what this did help with the pain a little whenever I realized later
I was recreating this position at home later was it was very difficult to get the blank to actually cover the backside
Entirely like this and the hospital blankets
What is this detail on this fucking? Oh, it's a lot
And the hospital blankets are not that big so I'm reasonably sure that in trying to alleviate my pain
I was also displaying my ass and genitals to all of the attending staff three nurses and
Possibly others in the recovery room as well. I've seen it all
One of the nurses went to fetch some of the good opioid to help with the pain
Apparently she knows what good opioid is good opioids
While this was happening. I was acutely aware of the intense ache in my vulva and my pelvis
for the men in the subreddit who are not in the know masturbating helps with period pain and
I was still reasonably sure that the blanket was covering me and explain
Entirely nobody would know so in my delirious state
I did so I decided to rub the offending anatomy and try to reduce the pain
One of the nurses closed the curtain surrounding me and then told me he was going to give me a second blanket for warmth
You fucking freak
What they wanted to say if?
When he returned to that whether he placed it a little lower on my body covering my lower body and legs
I didn't really put what this meant together until later to their credit
They took it very well and didn't actually say anything and it was possible. They didn't see it by seeing that too
They play they they they say so they pull back the curtain some 95 year old man just gone
Going through first thing in a 90
Then Goku screaming Frieza
For context
Goku had beaten Frieza like it was done
The reason was one half of a body like he had gotten his tail chopped off his lower half at one of his arms
mm-hmm, and so he was dying so Goku gave him some of his power and
Maybe I should give credit to Frieza for being like such a hater
So he really was basically dead Goku came with some of his energy and so he could survive because it could survive in space
Yeah
He can survive with unaided in space as long as he can get away because Nemo was blowing up
Because he decided to blow up the planet like a moron and so yeah
I guess cuz he could survive in the other vacuum of space, but Goku couldn't and so Goku dips and
Frieza gets up and he's like
He like you just see the level of racism, you know, goddamn we are monkeys
Leave me that yeah
So he uses the energy that go give to hit him with a blast and Goku just turns around like you
Any fucking hit some back?
It's the last time you see free
At least in that thing before after the before the Android Saga
Yeah, but that show is fucking hilarious. Goku was like you must be actual mother
But those damn monkeys basically he was mad as fuck you just keep cussing him out
All right, uh where was I
I to their to their credit. They took it very well and didn't actually say anything and it is possible
Possible that they didn't see it but reflecting on their reactions and the chain of events in the clear hindsight
I'm pretty sure they did to be fair if any of them were present for the surgical procedure
They would have seen me while I was unconscious as well, but it's a different thing whenever I'm awake. Well, you know
Jagan it if you're gonna check it out
Anyway, now that I'm recovering in bed at home the pain has went away, but the embarrassment has only increased
At least I humiliated myself for a good cause and I'll probably never see these people again
What are those it doesn't matter if you never see him again. It was like 20 years. Maybe like our
It was just ruin your day one day you're just walking down the street and you remember all this shit
Well such a fool
It's almost you want to make a list of all the people you you messed up with
Yeah, random people just trying to find them again. I'm not really that person and they just you just made it worse
Because they would they're like, let's go down the list like my name is Earl
Yeah
Cuz basically yeah
but of all the stuff you've done by accident that you try to like redeem yourself on or some bad like you said you said
Something the wrong way and you realize it late the day they're like days later
Or like years later, you know, man. Oh, those do hit to it's like oh, yeah, they hit hard to the worst time, too
Hey, you'll be having a great day. It's like remembering you did like your swim with the foot
You can fucking punch in the gut and buy some memory. He hits hard
It's like, oh, you'll be oh, you'll be laying in bed. Be like man. I called my plans for tomorrow
First like you're excited to go somewhere it's like
Remember the last time we went like oh no, it's like the random mission member
And I'd be like no one would remember but you right it's usually how it is
he'd be like that movie is super bad you ever seen super bad and
Freaking Jonah Hill's character is like you remember he was telling David Frankel scared
They remember you pissed your pants and that was in the third grade that people don't forget
The Jonah Hill is the memory like the memory reminding you but other people wouldn't even care right?
But yeah, they do hit pretty damn hard though
And it's always like it usually has nothing to do what you're doing. Yeah, like you might just be it's like, you know what?
I've had a great day
Like go home get ready to eat some food everything
It's like that time you throw up in front of the whole class. Yeah, when you try to do your public public speaking
No, it'd be more like never that time
Oh
Sorry, just Devon you're like just like 45 years old you're like, oh
So how it's gonna affect you now, right you get a motor in the boardroom you like
Oh, yeah, they call you they call you up to the fucking desk. I got like, uh, Daniel
Can you please go to the board and slow us show us the the next next year's physical cycle?
Yeah, we're gonna go up in sales
Can I just do it for my chair here? Get up there Daniel, please?
Then you get up with a fucking raging motor. There's Daniels that a motor you have right now. What the fuck?
I mean you were tackies. Yeah, I'm just excited for the next fiscal year
And then the bus like damn it that did see this man right here see how erect he is
This is what I want from all of you
What you rock fucking hard for this company?
That's the thing. It would be that way too. Daniel you get a $20,000 from a race. Thank you, sir
Get on my site you fucking freak
All right, next one is by
Snickdorym stick Dorium hope it's not a slur
a snake toward a snake toward room
Okay, snake to drum who knows
How I do it on chair? Yeah, I'm spurs and puts when my wife and I met she was about 135 pounds and I was 200
She's five foot eight and I'm six foot
I was very active and whenever we went to the gym about five times a week
Back then so I could pick her up and toss her around easily
That was ten plus years ago made easy to beat her ass
who was she
Since then I had a health issue that made me lose 25 pounds
I'm better now, but I obviously also lost a lot of strength from that. We've also had two kids
So obviously my wife has put on some weight from that and was wasn't able to lose it after all like she wanted to
My wife now weighs 160 pounds. So so great 25 pounds. That's it above what she was
And I want to make it very clear that I absolutely love it the extra 25 pounds all went to the right places
Oh a man after my own heart if you know what I mean if you know what I mean
I do not think she's fat or overweight. The law says you cannot touch but I see a lot of
I can't I can't I can't talk that from the always fits a magic mic. I see a lot of
Magic Mike. I see a lot of law regular. Well
I've never seen magic Mike. I've seen the clips. I've never seen the movie. I've seen that movie seven times. That's thank you
I'm trying to be able to strip
Just watching their movements to try to match it I recently found out that the pulse spin
I didn't know that I don't know why my brain didn't do the other yeah
That would spin or else you'd rip your fucking skin off
Twirling around that motherfucker. Well, they used to be greased
I guess now that apparently they spin them in the end plays which is a genius
I guess because they don't you don't see them moving, you know
Imagine the person that invented that that's like
every strip club
I knew they gotta be a little bit no more like hell. Yeah, the guy the guy tosses baby oil on the floor
What do you mean? They are you all up no more?
That's my only fucking job
And that's what did he became what he is like what the fuck
The night where he was the oil baby oil wipe down. He's like what the fuck?
So now I gotta find another job. Uh-huh better go back to my an wrap and then go back to having his freak off
I was gonna say oh, yeah
One of the best scenes ever to me was uh something from a show called p valley on star on stars
Where the stripper started stripping on the fucking ceiling on the fucking building? Yeah, I was like, uh, you can't do that
Yeah, so she she somehow lifted herself up up to the the ceiling and planted her feet on the ceiling and was danced
Torquing on the ceiling upside down. I'm like that. I gotta find that in real life
You gotta find one that's actually physically able to do that there
It's funny because like it showed the like it showed the the the people in the crowd go go and
Fucking buckwild because it's crazy scene to see right? Yeah, but then it cuts to her
like in her inner mileage
He's trying to you know, trying to hold like that shit must be fucking brutal
It would be hard and they cuts back to them and they're all yeah. Oh my god, and then go back there like oh fuck
I'm gonna fuck
Break my fucking ass
She won't be able to torque it no more. No more folks show
All right, so he puts I uh, I do not think that she's fat or overweight
I've never said that or even joked about it. I think she's the sexiest woman alive
So earlier this year, I got a dang lie
Our youngest started school so we could finally have 100% of them advise dolly parton
You know, you love your dolly pardon 99 years old 99 years young
I think he's what 77 or something like that 78. Is she? Yeah, so this ramble is great too for her age
She's like 83
Actually, I don't know how she'll she but they didn't get a whole bunch of botox or not botox but like um,
Facelift stuff, you know, like where it makes them look like a lizard
Maybe it stretches their skin too much. It does it looks unnatural very you can tell an unnatural face
What's funny is the people that get it don't think you can't
They're like I like being huh?
Just looks like that scene from uh, where it puts the lotion on his skin where he just wraps his face and skin
And then
Our youngest started school
So we finally had 100 alone time at home for the first time in years. Neither of us have a family nearby
So we started messing around throughout the house like just like we did when before we had kids
But I noticed I couldn't lift carry or toss her the same way I did whenever we first met
You better start working out bro. That's a you problem
So I decided it's time to go hit the gym again since it's been years
I only gained and I only weighed 175 pounds
I've been working out for six months gained 100 gained 10 pounds already and got a lot stronger
My wife noticed a muscle gain and we started started talking about working out and she asked why I decided to start again out of nowhere
So without thinking about how it sounds I told her exactly why good job, bro in my head. She's perfect
And me struggling to lift her is my problem. Not hers. She uh, but obviously she sees it differently
She's not super pissed or anything, but I can tell that she's a bit bummed out about it
She's a confident woman and she'll be just fine in a day or two
But I should have worded it differently or just made up a different reason. But whenever she asked me
It's like I went back to the gym lift. You're fat
Hey, you know, that's what she heard probably uh, you fat bitch
Why he just meant that it's like I want to be able to lift you again because I don't have the strength to lift anything really
Next one is by uh
Uh, naughty neptune naughty neptune, huh? And of course they had to go out of their way to spell naughty in a different way
in a uti
uti
It must have a uti. I know
All right. So this person puts uh, this was not the day. Sorry. It was a few weeks ago
I had an outdoor electrician plug. Uh, sorry
I had an outdoor electrical plug that had been on the fritz for a long time
If I had to guess i'd say I neglected getting it fixed for a couple of years if not more
Then I decided that I wanted to fix it
So I hired an electrician to come to my house and replace the outlet
He showed up the next day was very nice and understanding generally it wouldn't have required him to come into my home
But unfortunately, I wouldn't see an electrician going far in his career if he was a fucking asshole
Yeah, what are your fucking stupid fucking outlets at your piece of shit? Of course, it'd be nice and courteous
They should stupid motherfucker if you could fix this damn shit yourself. I wouldn't even fucking be
Damn bro, what the fuck did I do to you? Did you put a fork in it too motherfucker?
You look like the dumb mother fucker that I was
Uh, but unfortunately I don't have the fuse box labeled so I couldn't just go hit the switch
I had three cats however, and they like to hang out in my bedroom
I don't want to close the door to my bedroom because their food water and litter boxes are in the living room
The man went into the basement to get to the fuse box and the doorway to my bedroom with the door wide open
Just fucking pick that shit up and put it in the fucking bedroom and lock the damn cats in there, right?
It makes it all fucking complicated. I know
Uh, it's wide open is right by the door to the basement
He had to try a few switches before getting the right one and in retrospect
I wish I had asked him to help me get my fuse box labeled that aside
He turned off the power to my bedroom at some point, but that wouldn't really do anything, right?
Well, I found out that no that would actually do something
The guy finished up what he was doing outside went then went back downstairs to turn off the power turn the power back on
When he came back into the living room where I was he had a grin on his face
I didn't think much of it. I paid for a service and he left
After that, I went into the basement to check that none of my cats were down there after I passed my bedroom
I noticed my uh image led light
Had turned on whenever the power got restarted. I thought it was neat
I checked the basement then came back up the stairs. This time. I really looked into my room at the light
I was watching it change colors whenever I realized something
I was so used to it that I hadn't thought twice about what the light was placed
It was on a very dark room on top of a display case full of adult toys
I kept my room dark. So it was hard to see much but was obviously it was obvious that there was a case even in the dim light
That would have been bad enough. Unfortunately, that was not all
I air dry my toys after cleaning them by putting them on top of the case
In front of the light was a large dragon dildo
In front of that was a second larger
dry
Next to that was what we call giganto
A true monstrosity of my filters
They called the she-brick
They called the she-brick calling three men in existence
And I own two of them. Diddy owns the third one. He said he uses baby oil. A lot of baby oil
I understood why the electrician smiled at me the way he did. He saw and the way he put saw on. He's like girl
I gave him five stars in life with the zero comments
Awesome, I would I would have put it in the bottom. Do you see anything? Yeah
And then there's a uh, uh, it's like it says uh, like correction thing i'm a grown man in my 30s. Oh
That's why he's like man's a beast
With dragon dildo
Giganto
It's like that was a little bit of a twist, you know, i'm a dude I like anal play
All right, next one is by long run 6500
It's person puts I have a microsoft office 365 account for work
One time probably two to three years ago. I was trying to transfer a spreadsheet from my work account to my home computer
So I logged down to my microsoft account on my phone. I immediately logged out afterwards and my work requires me to change my password every three months
There is zero reason for my phone that it should still be connected to my work account
Well, I read on reddit sometime in the last few days a few years that bings a video search engine with safe settings off is really good for porn
So is google what is that man? They want it bing they want it bing
I know out of all things bing bing is only good for finding out how to murder people
Because the first thing on their list is that number one murder
Then you go down like the 50th or 16th page to find that obscure way to kill somebody
They were right i've been using it as my primary porn search engine ever since
This morning I logged on to my work computer and they did a system upgrade
Oh
Oh, everything we had customized on our desktop was reset and they removed all browsers aside from microsoft edge for whatever reason
Imagine my surprise when I right click the address bar and my entire search history is visible
Those are the moments where like the character right they they like it it daunts them right and they take their glasses off
Um, you see like you see like you see from so
Where the camera or no, where's the uh, the the the computer at this point, right?
Yeah, so we're we're uh facing him and you see his like you see bars of taste across his face
And it's just like it just goes and goes because he's like you just get some more and more hard like shell shocked
I don't know. You can look at the day. Can I talk to you on the off the day?
Yeah, can I talk to you? You know you say?
I need to speak to you in hr, please. That's probably how we thought. Oh my fucking god
So my entire search history was visible on my work computer
1743 searches later
The worst part about it
Is that I only ever use bing for porn. Oh
So there's nothing else to like offset it
You know what I mean? Like 800 searches and like three for porn and then another
Daniel Daniel, can I speak to you please?
You know, I gave you that race you had that hard on but now I see like you're
Here harder maybe not for the business but more for pornography daniel
I immediately went to the browser settings and cleared my history only to be told I don't have permission to do that. Oh
I know
I therefore punched the shit out of my monitor which did nothing
So I had to smash my fucking tower
My coworker was standing next to me helping me to get it set up whenever I opened it and he would not let me live it
down
He now won't stop talking won't stop talking making digs about my fetishes and showing me pictures of attractive latinas
And asking if their body is big enough for
She even phantom the absolute fucking shame of having to go to work every day next to this
this motherfucker. Be like you just cuz he's probably has a number right he's a
co-worker it's just a random fucking gifts he gives he sends you shaking
booties or something like three in the morning. It's double worse because we
recently had a Latin secretary and had a fling with that nobody really knows
about the people talk. God dang it never ends does it? Shit this is just worse and worse. I'm terrified I'm going to be accused of
looking at porn on a company computer. Motherfucker you were! What do you mean accused?
Well it was on his phone but he used Bing to connect to his word computer. You
dumb bastard. So it was Microsoft that did it to it? Microsoft you evil
motherfucker you're supposed to come around our tracks. That's the deal Microsoft. I have
no idea. As long as it's consensual or adult and everything the deal is you
delete that shit for all time. Because this is how it clarifies I have no idea
why my work account is still getting fed info from my phone. That would fucking
suck I'd break my phone in half. I want to crawl into a hole and never come back.
That would be that would ruin my fucking life actually. First comment this
fuck up this today I fucked up brought to you by Bing. So Bing from his phone
is connecting to his work office. Yes. For whatever fucking reason. Because he had
three Microsoft 365 on his computer his like work computer. Yeah. And to log into
the Microsoft account he used his one that he had on his phone so his actual
Microsoft account. Right. And it continuously fed Microsoft account
information to his work computer. But isn't Bing. Because he thought they were tied. Right but isn't Bing
its own thing? No Bing is Microsoft. Oh it is? It's owned by Microsoft. Oh they do
some shitty ass fucking. You know like how YouTube stuff always goes through Google? Yeah.
It's the same thing. So Google stuff goes through Bing? Or the other way around?
No no I mean like. I thought it was a different search engine altogether. No no
I meant like how Google and YouTube are the same. Yeah. Bing and Microsoft are the
same. So I made two different browsers. What's the point? What do you mean?
Isn't it multiple web browsers? Bing is a search engine. Right is it Google the
same thing now? No they're not. I'm not saying those two are the same I'm saying
like what YouTube is to Google, Microsoft is to Bing. Where they're two
separate companies. Not connecting Microsoft to Bing. For whatever reason I'm
connecting Google to Bing. Because Google is everything. Right it's like they're
both separate companies but Microsoft owns Bing and then like Google has
Google search engine. Wait so what the fuck is Google? Is it just a search engine? Well it's
its own company too. It's not Microsoft right? No. Okay. Google has its own Google owns
YouTube. Google obviously. Half the world? Yeah. Gmail they have all that. Fucking
Google. That's why I mean everyone says like you know just Google. Google it
became an actual word of like something. It wouldn't be like Bing. Bing it. Fuck Bing.
Bing is like a for pornography. That's why he used it. Because it was used for pornography. Weird. He found all his
pornos through Bing. Well I mean who the fuck would use Bing? It's like using
what's that other search engine? Yahoo? Is that a search engine? Yahoo? Yeah.
Yeah it's its own search engine too. I remember Ask Jeeves. That was a search engine?
Yeah long time ago. And then you have DuckDuckGo as well. It's just like it's
just Google. I guess Google is just the one that came out on top. It's the same
like McDonald's. McDonald's burger. There's still other McDonald's burger places.
Even if you say you want to go to Burger King. It's like hey you want to go to McDonald's?
Let's go. Right like McDonald's is the number one. Google's number one. But there's
still other ones I guess. I just don't accept it I guess. It's like Amazon. I'm sure
there's various other like you know online shop centers. But Amazon's Amazon.
Weird. Some of these comments are still hilarious though. The next comment under
that I think this is still some new marketing strategy for Bing. No stone
left unturned. And then the one under that. You think it's it's an accident
that they named it Microsoft Edge? Comment right below that. Not at all.
First you Edge then you Ready then you Bing. So brought to you by Bing. Brought to you by
Bing. So if you have any kind of Microsoft. Brought to you by Google. So you
go to you go with Google instead. We'll hide your barns. No they actually have
all your history. You know that right? I don't care. Like you can actually find it
too. You can ask to see your full history of everything ever. Cool. And you can get
it printed off because they sent it to the government every year. It's fine with me.
They know I like big titties. Well apparently he likes big Latina.
Yeah it is what it is. And now he's got a co-worker that fucks with him every day.
Imagine that like helping somebody set up a computer though like to run new
things. They're like like all the things that just pop up on it. Like his face is
like oh well. The IT guy's face drops and he takes the glasses off like my god.
I haven't seen this level of pornography since 1977. And the guy that's actually
it's gonna be his computer where he's like fuck. Or like you're the new guy in
work right? So they give you some old some old co-workers computer. Yeah. And
you go through it it's just like you just hit the fucking button. It's like one of
the hacker scenes from like the Matrix or something. It's just lines of code.
Oh lord. Alright next one is by Captain... Captain Planisimium. Captain
Simien. Yep. Spurs and Pets. Still gotta watch the Plenty of
Apes movies in order. Yeah. From the old 1969 one all the way down up to... That's a
lot of movies too. It's only four five six. Is it? Maybe it's less than nine.
The nerd's like less than nine I'll make it. How fun be fun? It's one godfather.
That's true. Alright this person puts this happened about an hour ago. So I'm still
awaiting the consequences. Nothing nothing like a consequent awaitment to
leave a level of a fucking anxiety in your soul that would crush you
more than the actual consequences. But to be fair this is just as a... It's like when I
go to the dentist every day before the dentist I'm like oh my god I'm gonna
fucking kill me on this one. And then I come there and it's over.
Yeah. They didn't kill me. Just fucking kill me. If you gotta do it just fucking do it.
Cuz they gotta put a camera down your fucking throat right? Yeah. Do it? Once a
year. No not down your throat like it's in your mouth. Yeah. And like... They make you gag on it.
Cuz like they want you... It's like it's thick it's fucking big as fuck. You can't make a mouth
fucking sized one with a rubber ball that you bite down on. It's this
fucking thick ass fucking piece of plastic. And like open wide. Wider.
And they put it down your fucking mouth like on the one side of your
fucking cheek. They make you bite down as hard as you can. You can. It's fucking
big as fuck. And so on the first bite it's fucking tiny. And then they put it
closer to the opening of your mouth. So it's like left side back, left side front,
right side back, right side front. And so like they gotta take them once a year. So
I had one on the 28th of August was my last dental appointment. And I'm just
like... I always bite harder on the second one just to get it over with.
The first one I don't. It's just by nature I guess. But man I hate that shit.
No. Then they do the cleaning right. And you know your teeth are strong when they
fucking you just fucking grind as hard as fuck on them. Then the
rest of the day you're just like playing with your teeth. Because it's fun after
they clean them. And now apparently I'm a candidate for a teeth bleaching.
Because I haven't had cavities in like three years. I only had one or two and
they took them out. I haven't had them since. So I got $150 for brightening
some white ass teeth next time you see me. And then I wasn't even thinking
about it. Like oh man what does that entail? Because when they did the
fucking when they took my cavity out right. I can't stand needles right.
So imagine people having a needle shoved into your fucking mouth. And like oh man
they fucking hit me with the novocaine. And I was just like... And they were...
You know how much how bad it was? They were grinding the cavity down so low
right. That once it got to my actual nerve and not the cavity I actually
started to feel it. And I was like I wonder how this would feel like without
the fucking painkiller. Yeah. Because it was starting to hurt with the painkiller.
I was like oh my fucking god. And I could hear I can smell the smoke too. I was like
oh yeah it's a weird smell too. Like it's a smell that you know when you smell it.
But ever since they used that stuff that once they put on a UV light it
hardens immediately. Like an epoxy stuff yeah. Yeah so my shit is fucking perfect
now. Hopefully this never falls out. If I bite down hard it hurts. I guess
it's just normal. Because it's pressing on the nerve. Yeah. It's like oh that hurt.
But not like though like it's gonna break it. Right. It's one of those things like if
you bite hard down hard on any of your teeth it'll be like oh that fucking hurt.
Yeah that's true. And so yeah moral of the story is get your teeth checked out
every year. Or every six months like I do. And they don't make like your dental
and then do what I do and fucking fret the whole week beforehand. And then you
get there nothing happens. That you haven't had happen before. But man what
I'm saying is anxiety fucking kills. Worse than the actual consequence.
It's true. And I'll give a heads up this one is not the worst story in the world.
I just thought it was a somewhat funny story. So you know it's not like
life-ending consequences. Right. First in Pitslow. My wife got up early very
early this morning to make cinnamon rolls for a friend who is visiting us
and left this morning. There were leftovers and she told me that they were
in the kitchen if I wanted any. After waking I went to the kitchen and grabbed
a roll, tossed it in the toaster to rewarm it, then opened the fridge to
grab some of the cream cheese icing she made. The last time she did I had
mentioned the recipe was a little too creamy cream cheesy. So she tried a
different recipe this time. There it was in a glass measuring cup on top of the
shelf. At this point it was cold and hard to spread so I popped out a few
tablespoons and put it into the hot roll and let it soften and then spread it
around. I sat down. You're a technician over here. I know. I sat down on my work computer and at my
let's see I sat down on my work computer and at my roll I guess I think it was
supposed to be I and ate my roll but they put and at my roll. Eight is I'm
assuming what it's supposed to be. Well checking emails and messages. That makes
sense now with the rest of the context. Yeah that's why it's like left off a
letter but okay again I read these verbatim from the way people write them at
least to my best abilities. As I ate I noticed the icing wasn't particularly
sweet but also didn't taste like cheese at all but it was a little bit smoky a
little bit smoky or maybe that was a cinnamon roll. What is he, f**king wax? Either way I
was hungry and finished my roll and my first morning meeting curious about the
icing I asked my wife if she had used the recipe my sister had sent us
yesterday and she said she had. I noted it was a bit smoky and not
very sweet and she was confused. I mentioned where I had pulled the frosting
from and she cackled. That's not icing that's bacon grease. So I responded in.
I beat the hell out of her. Why does it look like icing? Where is the icing?
Apparently the icing was on the counter still in the mixing bowl. Where's the
icing you b**ch? As I write this my stomach is occasionally gurgling. Baking
bacon grease man that must be quite the taste to it. I guess it's not bad bad but
it's not that I want to eat. I mean you can recook stuff with it like you know eggs and
stuff like that but like on a cinnamon roll though it's like mmm. Being like eating
coke like what I did once and it was like it's pure coke like actual like
just chocolate yeah but it was like you know like it was not you know like when
you take that bitter yeah like when you take it when you grab a spoonful of
Nesquik chocolate mix yeah and you eat it like as a kid like oh that's
delicious this was like I tried that as an adult a couple years ago say oh I
found a box of it right and I f**king it was a f**king bitterish this is it
chocolate this is dirt. It tastes like dirt too. I could not believe like who the f**k eats this in this state?
I was assuming that's what it was the flavor yeah I don't know I guess what
what do you mix with it just actual just sugar or what? No no like actual
Nesquik yeah it's got sugar in it if you get just the cocoa powder yeah it's just
cocoa what the f**k is it for? It's for baking so. Oh well f**k me I guess I'm
too fat to know. Nesquik is a totally different thing. It was a Nesquik
bottle though right but it was just cocoa yeah like it's just like Nesquik
cocoa. Motherf**kers man. Yeah because actual like cocoa is like the kind that you bake
with yeah it looks exactly the same. Yeah sure f**king did. And you use it you can top
pastries with it like you can sieve it over the pastries because the pastries are
already sweet so you wouldn't notice. I don't trust that shit anymore.
But you also don't put that thick of a layer so then you bake with it.
That's how you make chocolate cake. Hit a f**king spoonful of it. Oh like have you
ever tried bitter chocolate like baking chocolate? Oh that shit is so bitter. I
remember one time I my mom and sister were going to Mexico so my mom and this
was when I was younger so she and I was still old enough just to be by myself so
we went to the supermarket to get a bunch of food for me while they left to
Mexico her and my sister I guess it was after my dad died so I guess I wasn't that young.
And I just bought a bunch of stuff like it I saw for some reason I saw
sourdough bread I didn't even read it I just saw bread. Yeah. So I take the bread
I take some was one of those Reese's it was Reese's peanut butter. Oh only
man. Oh some jelly. I was like yeah yeah. They don't go together at all. They sure as
f**k did not you don't want to see sourdough bread. I think you've told me
that story and I equated it to if you were having like a a grilled cheese on
like raisin bread. Cinnamon raisin bread. Oh god it was bad. Yeah I could tell.
This is weird. Sourdough is not meant for sourdough is for like soups. Yeah sure as
s**t wasn't meant for a f**king PB&J sandwich. No. My mistake. Sourdough is like
a savory like for savory stuff like a sandwich or something like a like a
deli sandwich or something. Not for peanut butter and jelly? No. The jelly
alone throws me off. Not for even Reese's peanut butter. It's Reese's. But man I
was like whatever. Reese's couldn't save that one. When I took that bite I was like this is not.
It'd be kind of like putting like balsamic vinegar on it. Something that don't belong on.
Good lord I was like man this was a bad idea. It's like well they're gonna be
eating separately now. Totally different. Ruin you completely on sourdough. And the
f**king Reese's peanut butter because I didn't know which was which was the
problem. I just blamed it on both of them. Both of these f**king balls. Alright so he
says that his stomach is gurgling like a thunderstorm on the horizon and my wife
is shaming me to her sister's and mine and everyone else she can get a hold of.
I expect in a few hours Grease Lightning will be shooting down my ass and my life
will be laughing outside the door. I'll die steadfast in my beliefs that
baking grease just looks just like icing and honestly didn't taste half bad on a
cinnamon roll. Oh I mean bacon they make bacon like bacon egg and cheese
sandwiches on different things too so of course it wouldn't taste the worst thing
in the world but like they even make breakfast sandwiches out of donuts now
like the sure f**king day so it's like that's not the worst thing I've ever
seen. This one's just depressing. Today I f**ked up though from sadinternet9771.
This person pits. I just woke up. It's about 4 a.m. I was drinking my while my
wife was at work. I don't remember going to sleep and she's asleep on the couch. I
can only assume she's pissed at me because neither of us particularly like
that couch. I don't know why I sleep why I keep doing this sort of thing drinking
till I forget the world but I keep get it keep doing it. Better for a while than I
f**k up and get drunk. I don't want to be like this but I keep finding myself in
the same place. Makes me wonder if I even want to actually be alive. I've had a near
death experience getting shocked bad enough that I was apparently unconscious
for a while and I saw nothing. I saw the world at 60 Hertz for a couple of
seconds maybe then everything narrowed to a tunnel and then nothing and it hurt
real bad. That's what they don't tell you about getting electrocuted. It hurts the
whole time. I don't feel that any great reward waiting for me after death. It
just sounds peaceful. It's also something I just can't do. Yeah there's
nothing after but there's also nothing that I know what there's nothing after
but there's also nothing after and that sounds pretty boring. So I guess my
question is how do I stop drinking myself to death? I don't want to die. I
don't want to hurt the people I love like this but I seek oblivion. I love the
moment whenever nothing seems to exist to matter when I can't remember. My wife
does not. I guess that's where the conflict stems from. I've got reasons to
be happy and I mostly am but whenever I'm alone and it's quiet I guess I'm
not and then I drink till I feel nothing. Then she gets home from a 12-hour shift
to a dopey drunk son of a bitch she was dumb enough to marry. I hate being this
way. Hmm weird. I don't really know how that's a truly today I fucked up story
but people if you have alcoholism please get help. It's about all I can say.
I mean very poignant though. Almost makes me feel it's just a short story. Yeah
that's why I figured I'd- The more well-constructed it is the more I don't
believe it. You see my ramblings. Yeah. You understand. Yeah. I've seen
bullshit you spouted before. It's just like something when it's really well
written and worded. I wonder if it's just a writer getting their you know muscles
working. Could be. Could be and mostly putting it into the today I fucked up
category. It's a my choice. Yeah. Then we go to this one. The next one is by X
Lupica Lupacura X. It's person puts. I had to get a colonoscopy and endoscopy and
neither twilighted me or put me under. I can't remember. Either way I was out. Well
whenever I first got there everyone was so kind and caring. My veins were
particularly tricky that day and they had to cover my arms with a hot towel
to get my IV in. Well the time came and they wheeled me into the room. They put
the spray down my throat and a tube holder thing in my mouth. Then they told
me to count backwards from 10 and I was out by 7. Now here's the fuck up. I made
it to 100. Now here's the fuck up. I think I was wild maybe. I
finally remember possibly yelling. I'm not sure but after I was fully awake
everyone changed their tune. The doctor and the nurses were very cold towards me
like I was annoying or the worst person ever. I have no idea what I said or did
coming out of the anesthesia. I just want to apologize for anything I did or made
them so angry or upset at me. Never had the chance. What in the world did I do?
I'm sorry to all the nurses and doctors out there if if and when I need to get
back under. It's like so what the fuck did he do while he was under? They were
happy when he went to sleep and pissed at him when he woke up. I love the whole
point of the whole phenomenon of anesthesia is that they know that people
are not themselves when they come out of it. So why would they be
indifferent toward him? Right. Or maybe that's just what he feels. Who
knows? Because the first comment they put is I've had let's see probably would
have been smart to ask if something had happened while you were there. Almost
most of the time doctors and nurses are used to anesthesia causing adverse
behaviors upon waking up so I can't see why they'd be rude. That's what I'm saying
like that's exactly what they that's what the whole thing about it is.
Over here saying it hail Hitler or something. Screaming the n-word or
something. I don't know. It's like oh it's like this racist motherfucker. What could he have actually
have said or done? I don't know that's what I'm trying to do. He just reaches for the
doctor. I'm paid daddy. I got the baby on the car. So what? I don't know that's a
weird like a weird story like what the fuck did you do? Like what could you have
done? That they had not seen or heard before. Right. Just completely turned all
of them off. Right. It's like it had to have been bad. I can't think of what
would you have said or done coming out of anesthesia. I don't know. I mean like
even why would they even believe you? Right. It was like I've been
saying some random bullshit. You know what folks they got my booty up. They got all of it.
I farted as hard as I could. I couldn't close my cheeks better than that. Big
daddy almost got me. So what the fuck did he do? Exactly. It's like if I was him
though you should have asked. Like I don't know. I wouldn't have told him
anyway. Probably not. Next one is by God I hate these people that put so many
fucking like weird letters and shit. Tire W live. Fucking I'll do it. Right.
This person puts moving to Hanoi with my girlfriend meant that diving headfirst
into new experiences especially whenever it came to food. Vietnam's famous for
killer seafood and I am a huge sucker for raw oysters. So when we hit up a
lively seafood buffet I was in heaven or so I thought. They had this oyster
station that just called out to me. My girlfriend's family was all about trying
everything so I didn't hold back. Round after round I kept piling them on my
plate. Must have knocked back about a dozen. They tasted like the sea and it
felt like a treat from back home in Canada. Fast forward to the next day and
oh man was I paying for it. Fever. The bathroom was my new best friend. My
stomach was an absolute rebellion. Turns out my oyster feast was a ticket to
misery town. Here I am still making bathroom runs and thinking about each
oyster like a betrayal. It's funny and awful in equal measures. I've learned my
lesson. Enjoy. But maybe don't go wild at a buffet. Next time I'm craving oysters
I'll enjoy them in moderation. And gotta say it's one of the one for the books
and definitely a story I'll be telling for a while. Yeah don't just you know
guzzle back a shit ton of oysters. Hmm. It's like I'm gonna eat them. It's like
you get some parasite or some shit. It's like nah these motherfuckers raw. One of my lives. One enough fight.
Next one is by thedayifuckedupbooty. This person puts. Throw away count for
anonymity of anyone involved. Let me start by explaining that before our
wedding my fiancee 34 year old and I at 28 year old were going to a pre-marital
counseling with our pastor who would be our officiant. This was more of a
formality than anything else as my partner and I aren't especially
religious but having a Christian ceremony would make our large families
happy and this was a pastor I've known well since I was a small child. So we met
up with him several times before the wedding to get mentally and spiritually
prepared for the commitment. As we were wrapping up one of our meetings the
conversation casually turns to the enormous saltwater fish tank in his
office. My partner and I also are aquarium people. I guess that's a thing
is aquarium people. And I was excited to show the pastor a new fish that we had
just added to our home tank. And as he's standing there over my shoulder in
anticipation of fish pictures I realize that there are other photos on my phone
from some kinky stuff. Kinky fun times my partner and I were having the night
before. I attempt to quickly scroll past those photos but accidentally open one
instead. They are on the screen burning into our pastors eyeballs. It's a very
explicit photo of my partner bent over, bit dangling and bussy popping.
He just tells him about to leave. I will emphasize. Leave this house of God. I take your
sin with you. I will emphasize this is not a picture of a fish. The bussy is not a
fish. Apparently some people think it might be. They were dead wrong. He made a
frightened oop and literally dashed to the other side of the room behind his desk.
I was mortified but he said nothing. He just kept talking about fish and
acted like nothing happened. But I know my partner knows and the man who is going
to stand at the altar of Marius has seen into the depths of our souls or at least
the depths of my partner's butthole. Damn what a day. This is a man who also knows
my father very well. A man that would never understand the kinds of things we
do in the bedroom to satisfy queer fantasies. I think that you know. The
wedding is soon. I really hope he still agrees to officiate and we didn't scare
him off. I'm gonna be standing at the altar thinking about my new husband and
the pastor certainly might be too. It's like it is gaping hole. What a day. That's
bad. What a day to be on Prate Pastor. It's like oop. Don't even see that. Oop. Oop.
It's a funny reaction.
Let's see here. Trying to send me to something else huh? Okay. We gotta go this
way. I'm not even gonna try to pronounce that word. I think it's supposed to be
cultist for Satan. Right. This person puts I have severe IBS.
I have Crohn's disease. I hate the eating because of it and I hate eating because
of it to the point that I'm rapidly losing weight as I write this. I
volunteer for homeless people and give them free food. Unfortunately the church
kitchen we use is out of commission so we have been working at home kitchens of
volunteers. I decided to have a little snack because even though I'm I hate
eating I hate being hungry more. Immediately my stomach hurts and I get
diarrhea. Damn. God dang. I mean god dang. I flushed in the toilet floods. My friends
are cleaning it up and I feel like a nuisance. We are shopping for a plunger
as I write this and I feel fucking guilty. We have used up all their towels.
Why the fuck wouldn't you be writing this as well? You wouldn't be writing. I'm gonna be writing. Get the fuck off the phone and help us clean our
fucking shit water. Motherfucker. I feel so terrible and guilty. We have arrived at
the campsite late because of me. I hate my stomach. I hate eating. Food isn't fun
anymore. I hate everything in life. You fucking throw them some in the ocean.
It's eating. It gives the fucking the shark fucking IBS. The shark is like damn man I can't eat. I can't. He's
right I'm writing this out of the sea. All right and last one for today is by
Blackest Heart. God I hate this. Brightest day of the blackest night. I'm gonna kill these motherfuckers that
think it's so cool. Let's add a six for a B. I like that.
Spurs and Puts. I had a gym membership and I moved out of the area pretty far
away. I tried to maintain it for a while. At a certain point I requested a new
debit card from my bank which came with a new number that did not supply to the
gym. I guess I had decided that I didn't want to continue taking the long commute
and paying the heavy price and it was a good opportunity to get out of the
membership. So you just want to just cancel it. So do you have to cancel this?
Oh you want to get in shape? I feel like some not even. Obviously this was the
wrong way to go about it and unfortunately I would continue to make
the wrong decision to try to rectify it. Over the next over the over the past
six months charges have been accruing on that account and the gym is
threatening to send the balance to collections. Trying to get out from under
this piling debt and not being able to be in the best state of mind one
morning during the traumatizing pain from having a catheter inserted during a
neurology exam the day before I called the gym as my brother and informed them
that the account holder me had passed away. Wow what what why what the fuck
kind of Seinfeld-esque bullshit are you going to tell me what kind of Costanza bullshit?
Just tell him you don't we just freaking tell him you know what the fuck is going on
with people sometimes. They express sincere condolences and offered to close
the account and reimburse the charges but I would need to prove provide his
death certificate. So this is a Costanza-esque because he wouldn't fucking get a
goddamn death certificate I guarantee it. I do not plan on photoshopping a death
certificate and continuing the charade but at this point I am lost on how to go
forward any advice would be appreciated. Just fucking say no thanks and then you
know can you close the account now? This person put the first comment is one does
not simply cancel a gym membership. Oh thank you fucking uh Laura Mare.
Another one below that chances are they know you're lying and they don't care.
Yeah why the fuck would they give a fuck? They're wage employees and they have
rules they have to follow just tell them that you need to cancel don't even bring
up the part about you being dead if they do laugh and say it was worth the shot
be firm necessary. Be firm but you can't be because you don't go to the gym you
flip a fuck. You will probably owe the old fees because you signed a contract
and you ignored the problem. That sucks contract. That sucks but consider
that lesson to take care of business faster in the future. It's like that's
all the comments like really bro really? Law this seems like you're in quite a
pickle. Kind of random shit is that? Haha you're so funny. Does your gym have an online
presence if so change your address to California address. California law
requires an easy online cancellation option. What the fuck bro what the
fuck are you talking about? You're making it even publicly too. Exactly. Well change the IP
address and move to Canada then you can cancel your subscription they have to
reimburse the fee. It's like it's a whole bunch of bullshit for being too big of a
pussy to just say yeah I want to cancel my membership. Oh you want to cancel your membership huh?
You piece of shit. You want to work out huh? What's funny is if you're a fucking chicken
athleks. What's funny is if you have trigon as a father it's not gonna
matter. I've heard worse. You get back home it's like cancel your
membership huh? Little bitch. It's like another failure. Another year of
failures. My fucking sons. You're more like your sister. I'm not gonna let that
go. That's hilarious. Every time it's like Graven she's better than you she's the
princess okay? You failures. And both the new 52 and the old
not new failures. They just have different names. They couldn't they change reality
there you can't say they can't change your fucking failings. Regardless you
fail at all universes. But that's all I got for ready today. Anything else to add
before we head out today? More Hellboy in the future. Cool and with that we will
see you guys on the next one.