We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
All right guys, so we're going to start up with finishing up season three of The Wise
Kids You Know, episode six through ten of my favorite skill from every episode.
Before we do that, I wanted to say that the NFL recently made history within their sport.
There was that game on Thursday on Amazon Prime, the Giants versus the Cowboys, and
it is the most streamed NFL game, regular season NFL game of all time.
It had 16 million concurrent viewers, and I was like, I was one of those 60 million just
hoping and praying the Giants would pull it out of their ass.
And they didn't.
They did not.
They didn't throw it into double coverage and have it fucking picked off at the end.
I've almost lost my mind.
But at the highest viewership peak, they reached 18 million viewers.
I'm like, man, how the hell did Amazon Prime not crash?
Did it crash together?
You trying to watch TV?
Paramount Plus crashed on the Super Bowl like eight times.
But Amazon Prime somehow held it together?
I would hope so, but I know that they're regular like Fire TV.
That shit crashes all the time.
Well, yeah.
They have the extra service for Thursday night football, that's for sure.
All right.
So on episode six, there's a skit where it's a show called We Just Got Mustarded where
these people just go around dumping mustard on the unsuspecting people.
Or like this prank show.
And the funny thing about it was that they picked this one specific little town to do
all the stuff in, right?
And they're now running on their third year of production in this town.
And the townsfolk are getting interviewed and say like, they've been here for three
years.
They've mustered it everybody in town multiple times.
Like they are just completely fed up with the show.
But the nation loves it because it's got the highest ratings.
And it just goes into different interviews of like the people living there like we can't
deal with this anymore.
We're just trying to live our lives.
You can't even go outside and do anything normal without fear of being mustered.
And like, you know, this guy goes up to order a hot dog.
You want mustard with that?
Like, whoa, no mustard?
No, like no.
The guy even selling the hot dog.
I'm not one of the mustard guys.
I swear because everyone panics to me if they hear mustard.
And they're hoping the show will finally be over, right?
But the show's won like four Emmys apparently.
And they announced during this little interview that they've been re-signed for four more
years.
So the town has to struggle another four years with this mustard show.
Not only is it that terrible, but at a certain point they switched over from mustard to yellow
ink because it was cheaper.
So it wasn't even mustard anymore.
And one of the people interviewed was like, I remember when they made that change.
That was horrible for a whole nother reason.
He never said why the yellow ink was worse.
It was devastating to him.
That reminds me of how Cheaters used to be.
The Cheaters show used to be in Dallas.
Fucking massive.
You know those people in Dallas is like peeking around the corners and shit.
It's like there should have been no cheating at all in Dallas because of that show.
Because you know you're going to be on TV for cheating.
Yeah, they're going to catch you.
You're going to end up stabbing the host one day on a fucking boat for some reason.
Alright, episode seven.
Right off the gate it was the first skit.
Timmy finds a little lamp and he finds a genie.
And you think like oh a genie.
The genie's like you get three wishes little guy.
So just whatever you wish, make sure you make a good wish because it's going to change your
life forever.
So the first wish he wishes is for the genie to kill his teacher.
And the genie's like he does not want to.
But he's like I guess I better just he threatens to unwish all genies right.
So the genie's like damn it.
So you would think like it's funny because you think it's going to be a magical thing
he does right.
But it's not.
The next it cuts to after he says like I want you to kill my teacher and he has to agree
to it.
The next it jumps to them in the bushes and the genie has one of those rifle guns for
the scov and he's like okay you sure you want to do this kid?
Like yeah.
So Timmy's got the he's drinking the little juice box and the genie's Sam one of the actors
is the play the genie he's all in blue.
And he does that thing where you breathe really hard before you do something and he fucking
shoots her boom and then he looks away.
He's like dude I get her and he's like oh you got her.
So wish two Timmy wants to hook up with the hottest girl in because I guess he's supposed
to be like a teenager.
He wants to he's a freshman.
He wants to hook up with the hottest girl in school this senior.
So instead of making him magically fall in love with her right.
He just the genie goes up to her house and he's like hey you know Timmy what do you think
of Timmy like do you like him or he tries to like set up a date right and she just slams
the door in his face.
So then it cuts to the genie has her kidnapped and like a van pulls up and he opens the door
and Timmy's standing on the street and like Timmy get in I got her.
And like you get what happens oh lord.
You see Timmy smoking a cigarette yeah.
You know exactly what happened and it was not consensual at all.
And so they just start like what do you want now kid.
The genie is just fucking devastated with what his consequences of his actions.
And now Timmy wants to be the president of the United States.
He's like kid that's going to take a long time.
For one kids aren't even allowed to you know run for office and all this and that right.
So it starts going into a little montage of the genie.
First he's trying to get a law passed in the state to allow kids to run for office.
Then it's wanting Timmy to be like city councilor then mayor then senator and then he gets all
the way up to president right.
And they're watching the election day and like a lot of one of the other geniuses helping
him out because there was another genie before Sam that came out of the bottle and Timmy
didn't like him so he sent him back and they sent out different genies until he got Sam
and he makes him president.
And that's pretty much the skit ends with Timmy becoming president after assaulting
a girl and having someone murdered.
And the genie is devastated.
My doctor says I have ulcers.
I'm addicted to smoking or he says something like he just like his life is ruined and Timmy
is like bye genie.
And that's it for that.
But it's funny that they do everything practically.
Well I think we're slowly that was the funniest part to me.
Like I knew when they cut to him holding that gun I'm like oh this is going to be something
odd.
You know there's no I guess so he doesn't have magical powers he's just a guy in his
bottle and he's got to do it.
He's got to do it literally practically.
Basically it was the weirdest thing.
All right so episode eight we have this funny skit on it's in a courtroom.
Apparently some guy murdered another guy at a strip club called the Dancing Clam.
And they're trying to like it's got Trevor as a judge Sam is the prosecutor.
No Darren is a prosecutor and Sam is a defendant or the defense for the defendant.
I forgot what they're called like the public defender I guess or I don't know what they're
what I know a prosecutor I don't know what a public defense defense is it just a defense
defendant.
Yeah it's not like the person getting defended.
That's what I like do they even have a name for the other side of the.
No prosecutor is the plaintiff.
Right.
And defendant is the defendant.
So he's defendant defendant.
That's weird.
They have a cooler name because you got you got prosecutor.
Defense attorney is all that's just the name of them.
That's weird.
They don't get the fancy name of prosecutor.
Right.
It'd be like you'd be like calling me the accuser accuser.
Weird.
The defense attorney is what you'd call.
Right.
OK so yeah so Sam is a defense attorney and there's a stripper on the stand who's given
her her eyewitness testimony because she saw the guy get murdered.
And so like how did you see the guy and basically she bent down over her underneath her legs
right when she was going to move on the pole and Darren is like objection and the judge
is like really.
And he's like oh well objection.
How can she see because basically she's got she's wearing her full clothes like a whole
like a pants and all that.
And they wanted to strip down to show how to react to reenact how it actually was.
And the stripper is like really judge and the judge like yeah yeah.
He's all for it.
So then the whole skit is them trying to get her to do the wildest thing they could see
she can do like first like she bends down right.
She's in her underwear now.
She bends down but the guy doesn't feel like it was at the at the strip because I had a
pole and the driver's like where because I'm going to dip hole in here.
And so Timmy comes out because he's one of the like the one of the cops the bailiff.
Yeah he's a bailiff right.
So we got no we got no poles here.
And he looks up at the pole with the flag on it.
So you use the American flag and then Timmy rips the flag off the pole and fucking puts
the pole in the middle of the fucking courtroom and she dances on the pole right.
And she's like so I bent over like this and I saw him get like stabbed or whatever or
shot and then I got up and turned and as I turned he the the the deceased landed on me
and then Sam's like how did he land on her and he landed he tried to reenact the landing
by then he just started motor burning her breath.
He's like and then Darren comes up the prosecutor's like was it was it really like that was it
more like this and he does the same thing to her too.
So then Trevor the judge calls him over right and he's like it's funny how it's something
about when it's real quiet people talking real quietly but you can kind of hear it.
Yeah it's so funny I don't know why.
He's trying to get get get her to kiss another girl for whatever reason.
Yeah.
Like there's no reason in this this little like discussion right.
Right and he's like they're all looking around like there's no other girls here he's looking
like what about the jurors and like all the guys in the jury are fucking loving the reenactment
of a stripper but except for the women they're mad as hell.
So they they decide like I don't think that's a good idea a judge is like oh you're right
right.
So he's like he has to leave but then he's like wait come on come on come on.
He's like could you get her to and he starts trying to do something with like his like
like trying to reenact like he wants to see I guess her vagina or something and he's like
he's trying to like point down like a V on his crotch right.
He's like just get her to and he doesn't say what it is what he wants and then someone
comes in from outside opens the door and they all fucking panic they all look up you know
the judge is standing up and putting a V over his own crotch.
So it looks like if it was bad like when someone catches you masturbating or something like
you're not supposed to be doing or I guess not not not not supposed to be doing but just
a little embarrassing.
Yeah something you want to do but not get caught doing and so the judge is like well
we're busy in here.
It doesn't matter to fucking knock around here anymore and that's how the skit ends
with him trying.
He's so weird so surreal.
Imagine if he got stuck in one of those situations though.
That'd be awesome.
In episode nine we have this is a really like simple skit it's it's just it's just Zach
Craigor and Trevor Moore and it's casual Friday so you can wear whatever you want and I forgot
what Zach's character's name was so I just call him Zach but Trevor's name in the skit
is Brian and like Zach comes in like you wanted to see me I guess Brian's the boss.
He's like oh yeah Zach please come sit down.
He comes in he's got a shirt that says F this job and F Brian and he sits down like and
he tries to ask Zach like Zach what's going on what's with this shirt and like he's trying
to get to the bottom of it right.
Right.
It's just a shirt you know it's casual Friday whatever.
No but like why that shirt you know what's like and then like he just says he's like
is this about the vending machine again and it turns out that eight months ago Zach went
off site of the job right on his lunch break to a different vending machine in a different
building and tried to get a Mr. Pimp and the money the freaking machine took his money
and for eight months apparently for whatever he blames Brian for this now like think about
that in your head how would you blame someone you went off site on a vending machine that
doesn't belong to the company it took your money eight months ago and you're to this
day you're still mad.
Still pissed yeah.
And Brian's like I've given you many many quarters since then I haven't bought you a
six pack of Mr. Pimp and what do you do you bring a shirt that says F this job and F Brian.
I'm Brian.
So he gives him seven quarters and then Brian Zach just leaves and I'm like what the what
the fuck that's some real shit because the person would do that they would blame someone
else for some shit that has nothing to do with them you just see it every day just because
they're your boss or something you're like what the fuck because F this job and F Brian
the way Trevor said F I'm Brian why would you have me.
So he's giving this man like fucking I guess now he's giving like fucking hundreds of quarters
at this point is what it sounds like.
Like hundreds of dollars worth.
Yeah and like he's bought him a six pack of Mr. Pimp what the fuck are you so mad about.
And like he's like please change it please as Zach is leaving Trevor's like please turn
your shirt inside out and Zach flips him off on the way out.
So I guess he I don't know he doesn't fucking blames Brian for losing the quarters on a
Mr. Pimp.
I could say that is something that would actually happen in real life though.
But yeah probably just some random like his anger for no reason.
All right episode 10 the final episode of the season we have Darren and he's a news
anchor and he's like they're following a report of a bank robbery and a high speed chase on
the highway and the helicopter driver reporter is Trevor and he's following the car and he's
like oh this is insane like the guy's going 80 miles an hour he's weaving in and out of
traffic like a regular news report right.
Yeah.
And then he gets quiet like that's it's a baritone.
And he sees his wife's car on the highway which is impossible because his wife said
that she was going out of town to visit her grandma for some birthday or something right.
So he's like he starts having like like on the phone on the news they just have it like
oh I can't believe once a cheater a whole easy cheater I guess.
And so Darren tries to cut the feed right.
And Trevor flips out I don't you cut this feed cut this feed I'll slam this fucking
helicopter into the news station.
You know I will.
He's like damn it.
So they keep the feed on right.
And then Trevor calls his wife and he's like are you doing all right.
And he goes under his breath like he calls like how are you doing you bitch.
And she's like what.
I said how are you doing honey.
And they're talking right.
And she's like how's your grandma.
And she's like she's fine.
Put her on.
Put her on the phone.
So she somehow the segues into not putting her on the phone right.
She's like oh I got to go I got to do all this and then he's like I love you Meredith.
And she's like okay.
It's like Meredith.
Meredith I love you.
She's like oh hey bye.
She hangs up on him.
He is just fucking tweaking at this point.
He's like seven years of sobriety down the drain.
You hear him open up a bottle of beer and a little can of beer and a little fucking compression
breath.
He starts fucking drinking.
And then Meredith calls Darren at the at the anchor table and you find out that they're
the ones cheating together.
And she's like I think he suspects something.
He says yeah he suspects but he's fucking following you in the helicopter.
And this kid ends with him fucking slamming the helicopter into the fucking Meredith's
car.
And him yelling.
Right before Trevor slams like hits her he yells Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars.
It just blows his car to the ground.
Instead of Allahu Akbar.
The Admiral Ackbar from yeah the fucking fish guy from Star Wars.
Yeah.
Because I think that's why he yelled something like that right before his fucking ship blew
up or something.
I was going to say you know what the Allahu Akbar is right.
Yeah I know the whole thing.
The whole race is or not race but the whole terrorist bullshit.
See that's why it's funnier if he was saying the name of the guy.
Yeah Star Wars.
Because he was trying to say what they say but he doesn't know the actual words.
Maybe or maybe just some Star Wars thing.
I was hoping.
Unless they were making a play on the terrorist yell.
But I don't think so.
But he was saying a different name instead of saying what they actually say.
Yeah.
Because he doesn't know what the actual words are so he just goes with whatever sounds closest.
So basically the skit ends with like the skit ends after he hits her with the helicopter
because you never see any of it.
It's all vocal.
Yeah.
It's all audio.
It goes back to Darren.
He's all fucking like oh shit.
Well she's dead and so is he.
And then it cuts to like the movie of the week and it goes to Timmy and he's like some
bullshit invisible dog movie.
And that's how the skit ends.
Something that has been like it's completely.
And she's not even like she's like because he's playing a girl.
And he's just like fully into it.
It's great like doing all those dog puns.
Yeah.
Like pause the movie.
I give it four pause up.
And it's like completely like disassociated with the fucking horror that just happened
of a man just killing his wife and himself.
Like she didn't even hear her.
I don't know why she did not like even register.
You know what I mean?
Like if it was just a regular fucking news story or news segment.
I'm like what the fuck.
I guess I made it a little bit funny because like Darren's on the other side just like
fucking shocked look on his face.
While she's over there giving her review.
Yeah this shitty movie.
I can see that really on a news station now.
They just ignore.
They just skip it.
Yeah.
Alright.
Go straight from that to something that nobody cares about really.
Unless you want to see fucking invisible dog.
Yeah.
So that is season three.
We got two left.
So four episodes of The Wise Kid You Know left.
It's going to be the end of an era.
Hey you know what's good is that even though we're what season three.
In the season three.
There's still funny skits within the show.
Like they didn't kind of fall off.
Like some of the other kind of.
It actually got better with the more like more freedom I guess.
Yeah.
You know what I mean though.
Like Saturday Alive.
I started off decently funny kind of went downhill.
Like it just there was never that same level of comedy in it.
I think it's hard for that because that's just been around for a long time since the
70s.
I know that's what I'm saying though.
Like even though that was around for what five seasons.
Like I don't know even Mad TV there's a couple of seasons that weren't necessarily that funny.
Or peak.
Yeah.
But this at least is kind of at least sustaining.
Consistently.
Like there's a certain level of.
There's one season four that really the first time I actually like.
I remember those two these scenes right.
But there's one I see the four that I've never seen before.
And I actually burst out laughing for the first time.
I was like it was just so weird.
I'll get into that one when it's time.
Is it going to be in the first half or the second half.
I can't remember where it was.
I just watched all ten of them in a row.
Okay.
And for anybody that still complains about the the widest kids you know.
Where you can watch all these episodes for free on YouTube.
On YouTube.
And to YouTube?
Yeah.
Cool.
Every episode's on there.
By the way Tubi's raised their fucking.
They haven't raised their prices because it's free right.
Yeah.
They sure raised their commercials.
Yeah they did.
It's like six out of six now.
My god.
And each one's like almost two minutes.
Well 30 seconds but that's basically.
You've been getting darned.
I've been getting two minute what?
You must be watching some good shows.
I'm watching the absolute bottom of the barrel.
Where they don't care about the revenue for it.
Watch this little marijuana minutes.
Oh god.
Yeah that's definitely one of the bottom of the barrel.
Where it didn't take much production cost to make it.
Oh it's an indie movie.
Oh okay.
So see that's why.
I watched a lot of like I watched a lot of obscure stuff because you never know what
you might find some gems.
Yeah.
Love dealing with that.
Or some unexpected nudity which is always the best.
You're like hell no.
I was in this movie called Mrs. Dalloway.
Boring as fuck.
And Cersei's in it.
You know Lena Headey.
Yeah.
And she for some reason she's like hanging out with her.
It's set like in the right after World War I I think.
So you know like oldish.
And it's set in England.
And it goes back.
It shows this woman as an old woman.
Then she goes back and shows her as a young woman.
Right.
Like and all the and as well as all the people that she knew.
And because they're the main story at the beginning or the main story for the old woman
is a dinner party for everybody.
And then I don't know what the main story of the flashbacks were.
Because I wasn't really paying attention.
I told you it's one of those long slogs.
And at one point Lena Headey says like oh she's having a sleepover with her friend.
And she's like oh I forgot my hairbrush or something in the bathroom right.
You dare me to go get it.
And she fucking strips butt naked like this.
And I'm like what?
Let me go back.
So basically she dares to she just dares herself to go get it butt ass naked.
Her hairbrush.
It's a little dark.
You only really see like just one breast real quick and her ass.
And she's running down this long ass hallway.
This old lady a maid in the building or a maid in the house comes out of one of the
side doors right.
And she's like what the fuck.
The butt ass naked girl walking through here.
A 22 year old Lena Headey.
I can't remember.
But yeah stuff like that.
You never know.
You catch some titty.
So watch everything.
There might be a random boo somewhere.
Yeah.
It would be the whole reason to watch the movie again.
It was just a random like I guess I can guarantee.
Well I know it's a book right Mrs. Dalloway.
And I'm a big reader so I read everything.
And so I want to see if that's in the book or they just like can we show some titty in
this movie.
Just to liven it up a little bit.
Or you get the reverse.
In the book it goes into a lot more graphic detail.
You can get either way on that.
I guess that's true.
It might be like even more graphic.
Like the scenes in Stephen King's It.
Where they gang bang at the end.
Good geez I'm glad they didn't add it to the movie.
Oh lord.
That's one of the funniest things is that I don't care about the politics of Stephen
King whatsoever.
But every time he says something it's always funny whenever you see the comment.
So what about It?
What about the gang bang scene?
Hey man cocaine's a hell of a drug all right.
I just find it funny that there's that one thing that you can find from a lot of artists
where it's like so what about that one time.
I want to know why that was the editor was like you're right Stephen King that's what
we need.
I know.
And I'm like bro you're fucking insane.
Or the question is.
They're fucking 11 years old.
The question is though is that do they even read it at that point?
Does that just show that the publisher never read it?
They have to because they always have to go through like their typos and stuff.
I've seen a book with.
Who overlooked it?
Or who liked it?
I don't think anyone overlooked it.
I think that's a go right there.
It must have been Jared Fogle from Subway.
He must have been the editor.
He's like I love that shit.
I need more of that.
That was a horrible scene.
Something that you don't want to see in like adult writing.
Like it'd be different if a kid wrote it as you know like a kid.
It still wouldn't be.
That'd be not something we would think about.
I would hope not.
They wouldn't write that.
Now for the gangbang.
I'm 12 years old.
I mean like what?
Hey look last week in Reddit we found a 13 year old that created a butt plug out of Legos.
So we think.
We don't know if that's true or not.
Could be some 45 year old man telling us a story.
Could be but I don't know.
Might not be.
I was 13.
Bullshit you were 45.
Oh what if.
You're telling what he did last week.
Yeah retelling it in the frame of a childhood story.
Because he's a creep.
Yeah I can see that.
That could definitely make some sense.
It's hard to verify a story like life stories because unless you're there you don't really
know.
Yeah look you told me a story earlier.
It's like it wouldn't make.
Oh you wouldn't be believable.
Exactly.
If you guys wonder what the story was I'll tell you me and my cousin went to go eat at
this burger place right.
I had come to his house and we went.
We left my house at his house.
I left my car at his house and we drove in his car and to the burger place and we're
like I'm like cool I'm starving.
I just got off work and I was fucking dead hungry and we're pulling in.
I'm like why are we pulling into the mechanics place and he's like oh I'm gonna drop my
car off and I'm thinking cool you drop your car off.
When we're done eating we'll pick it up right.
And he's like no I'm gonna drop it off overnight.
And I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown.
I'm like what the fuck are you talking about.
We are miles away from your house.
Why the fuck didn't you say we were gonna drop your car off.
I could have followed you and mine.
He's like oh yeah that would have been a good idea.
And so we end up leaving his fucking car there because he doesn't want to fucking take it
because it's fucking acting up.
And so we go eat burgers and then we get out and then we have to leave the car there.
And so we call everybody and his phone was dead and mine was at 3% and I had an old iPhone
5c and so it didn't hold the charge for more than 45 seconds.
And so it was at 3% and we were calling everybody.
We called one cousin and this was like 5 or 6 o'clock in the afternoon right.
We called one cousin and he's like if you guys are still there by 9 or 10 I'll go pick
you up.
I'm like 9 or 10 what the fuck are you talking about.
And so just a level of stupidity to this day.
I was actually angry when we started the podcast just reminiscing the story.
So we ended up getting picked up by his mom like an hour and a half later.
Like 730, 8 o'clock at night we're just sitting on a bench outside of Walmart.
To preface this if anybody knows Oklahoma this is a Walmart off of Reno Avenue where
there are homeless people everywhere.
Like think of like a zombie horde.
The horde.
So you got lucky.
I didn't get lucky.
I had a milkshake that I ate my like destroyed my asshole to.
They were like you want that milkshake to go?
I'm like hell yeah and I ate it and my stomach was fucking rolling.
The whole situation was dumb as fuck.
I'm like why the fuck didn't you just say so so we could have driven behind you.
What goes on in people's heads sometimes.
So that's why I say there's things that you wouldn't believe that do happen to me.
There's a lot of things that happen that you would never believe.
Yeah I guess that's true.
Alright what you got for us?
What do I have huh?
From our fucking rage.
We like this stuff.
Alright we got two different things today.
We have our normal breakdown that we'll do after this and we have our character spotlight
as normal.
Today the character spotlight that we have is DC Comics Etrigan the demon.
So basically Etrigan son of the demon Belial was summoned by the wizard Merlin his half
brother unable to gain the creature's secrets he bonds the demon with Jason blood.
A knight in King Arthur's Camelot.
Oh so he's that old?
Yeah he's really really old.
This renders Jason immortal.
Which he alternately considers either a penance or a curse.
He doesn't look at it as a benefit.
So in modern times Jason blood resurfaces as a prominent demonologist in Gotham City.
Jason is called to the crypt of Merlin and discovers a poem that causes him to switch
places with Etrigan.
And then he appears to transform into Etrigan.
To this misfortune he is followed by the long-lived Morgan Le Fay who lusts for Merlin's secrets.
That leads to Etrigan's first major battle.
Over the years Etrigan both clashes with and occasionally aids Earth's heroes guided by
his own whims and Jason's attempts to turn his infernal power to good use.
So since he was a knight in Camelot he still has some chivalry of wanting to do good even
though Etrigan does not give a fuck the entire time he doesn't give a fuck.
It'd be funny like this was a school bus right it's like teetering over a bridge and Jason
bloods like we gotta save these children and Jason's like man fuck those kids.
Sometime after his first appearance Etrigan begins speaking in rhyme due to a promotion
in hell.
I bet you like at the first read the writer's like hell yeah and then after like a couple
like six or seven issues the writer's like fuck.
I'm having to write it in iron.
Fuck.
You fucked yourself over man.
All because of the promotion of hell.
I'm like man god damn.
Be like racking my brain trying to rhyme for every kid.
You probably see him talk less and laugh.
He just can't do it no more.
Writing in limericks.
I better burn myself out.
Though he is not limited to rhyme he leads the forces of hell on the great battle against
the great evil beast and is in brief contact with the entity and its questions about his
nature he barely survives the attempt.
His high rank would also see him guide dream of the endless from hell's gates to lucifer.
So during the whole sandman series.
He was in sandman?
Okay.
Yeah but he's one of the ones that leads dream to lucifer.
Sometime after this Jason blood and Glenda mark attempt to separate him and Etrigan.
An event which leads to bloods ally Harry Matthews being devoured and later turned into
a pillow by Belial.
Jeez.
Yeah.
At the end of these things.
Yeah a pillow and a college dormitory.
That woman will ride the hell out of you.
Be a bunch of dudes.
Dormitory or a college sorority.
You said dormitory though.
Fuck.
They're gonna fucking put me like gonna fucking squeeze me and sick they're taking me to
a private life.
Exactly.
You fucked yourself on that one.
They have to be a fraternity wouldn't they?
Yeah.
But you just said dormitory that could be dude or women.
Guess I gotta swing both ways.
I'm a pillow.
You get fucked and then you get wrote.
At the end of these events Etrigan and blood are separated.
Both begin to age and during the event known as Cosmic Odyssey they are reunited.
After the re-merging a relationship between blood and Etrigan becomes even more contiguous
drawn to hell by the archfiend Astaroth.
Etrigan stops Astarastra if I can even talk again.
Astarastra's attempt to sacrifice Glinda Mark, Randu Singh and Merlin and blood himself.
In hell blood and Etrigan were at the time separated.
Etrigan followed these events by overthrowing the leaders of hell Lucifer, Belial and Beelzebub
and taking the symbol of authority in hell the crown of thorns for himself.
Crown of horns sorry.
Separated from blood via the crown's power and about to destroy him Merlin reminded blood
of his own power.
Jason blood spoke the incantation and re-merged with Etrigan and they were drawn back to earth.
There he fought Lobo, Clareon the witch boy and his gang and was drawn into the realm
beyond where he met the thing that cannot die and was reunited with his older brother
Lord scapegoat.
Is it a brother?
Lord scapegoat.
Remember in the Hellboy and Hell series and you found out that Hellboy was the son of
I guess Satan and on his mother's side he's actually the last descendant of King Arthur.
So Hellboy is actually the rightful heir to England.
Really?
Or the rightful king to England yeah.
He can wield Excalibur.
Oh really?
And the brothers his brothers on his dad's side meet up with him like well if it isn't
the favorite son or son they beat the hell out of him.
So he has to fight his whole fucking family down there in hell.
That was a great writing like making him one side the son of Satan so like one of the princes
of hell and then on the other side the last descendant of King Arthur is a fucking wild
idea.
Yeah.
To where he's both good and evil in one.
Just that one guy that's you know always like one side of the family is the other.
Hey everybody's got that side of the family.
Yeah.
Which like you got the evil side and the life-virtuous side.
All right upon escape from the realm beyond Etrigan and Blood agreed to work together
and teamed up with Batman and Robin against the Howler.
Soon after Etrigan was chosen as political candidate for president of the United States
and nearly seceded and securing a Republican nomination from George HW Bush.
Maybe a random issue.
Yeah.
I threw you off a little bit.
Maybe a little bit.
After his political run he attempted to gain Superman's endorsement but was denied it.
I say no I'm apolitical.
When Jason Blood's daughter was born he decided to destroy Etrigan and hired hitman Tommy
Monago to help him.
After a battle against both Merlin and Etrigan the two of them rescued the baby and Blood
was able to steal Etrigan's heart essentially neutralizing him and binding him to Jason's
will.
At the end of the battle Jason left the child Catherine Mark with his mother or with her
mother Glenda Mark.
Catherine told Glenda before he had left take care of our daughter.
I think it would be best if she never knew about her father.
Blood then skipped out on paying Monago the two million he had promised.
You're not getting all child support from eight deuces.
A deuces woman deuces.
And he f**ked it disappears.
Etrigan became listless and ceased to rhyme.
With Monago needing an edge against the demon Maulzear he calmed Blood into returning to
Gotham and using Etrigan to retrieve the Ace of Winchester's.
And I didn't know Dean and Sam were in DC Universe.
An anti-demon rifle.
There you go.
It must be an Easter egg for the series.
Probably.
From hell all while preparing to face the demonologist to let the monster out.
Again it is a gun.
Winchester is a gun model.
So it might not even be.
It's hard to tell actually.
With DC and stuff.
With just like Easter eggs in general especially when specific names are like so.
Ubiquitous.
The f**king Winchester like you got the famous supernatural characters.
But then you have the extremely famous gun too.
The Winchester.
It's like god dang so which one is it?
I'd go with the fact that it's probably just a play on both of them.
Could be.
The gun and the you know the supernatural Easter egg.
Despite the risk that Etrigan would kill him in vengeance Monago traded Etrigan his heart
for the Ace of Winchester's.
Once more forcing.
Winchester it has to be yeah because it's two Winchesters.
Ace of Winchester's.
So it has to be the the supernatural.
Oh boy.
Once more forcing blood to have the full burden of their merging and returning Etrigan to
his full strength.
Though Etrigan reneged on the deal and tried to kill Monago anyway.
I don't remember.
What if.
They'd be surprised that the deal actually went through smoothly.
They'd be like oh okay.
So you you give me like you know fame and fortune and I give you my son and then they
actually have it right and the devil's like oh that was okay.
And like the guy that got the deal too is like oh yeah I did get to be like I would
like to be like all right make me rich and famous and then when I die you can have my
soul and the demon's like bad and then when you're like a hundred and seven years old
that he like I'm here.
So go home and like you die right.
You had your whole life he didn't like come at you like two years later.
The way they did in like supernatural.
Right.
They always had that little fine print somewhere.
Like no like a like a solid fool like you had like your own demon lawyer looking over
like yeah this looks pretty good okay.
So the deal is actually like upheld for real.
And like Johnny Blaze whenever he made the deal with Mephisto or was it was it Mephisto?
I don't know.
For Ghost Rider.
Oh I don't actually it had to be.
I think it was Mephisto wasn't it?
Shit I don't know.
Because there is no Lucifer in.
No.
Or I take that back I think there is a Lucifer in Marvel but I think Mephisto is the more
prominent one out of like the the demons that there are in.
There's that one story you that comic book you let me borrow one time where this truck
driver makes a deal with a devil that was going to take a baby that if he could drink
like eight cans of fucking gasoline.
Oh yeah.
I was like god dang.
Oh I need to find that one again.
He fucking drank like eight fucking cans of gasoline or motor oil.
And then he got lit on fire.
And he fucking did he?
Yeah.
He just died.
No he got lit on fire after that.
But she didn't take the baby so the deal is a deal.
Yep.
I'll have to find.
That was a good story.
I'll have to find that book again.
I know which one you're talking about.
I can picture it.
I can't remember what the title of it was.
Cause he was all fucking had that like that dizzy symbol over his head because he was
fucked up from that motor oil.
Just over there drinking fucking gas.
I like the fact that he didn't try to fight it right.
Yeah.
He was just an old trucker.
He was you know he would never be the actual demon.
Right.
So he's like fuck it if I can drink these fucking cans of gas like I don't know how
many was but he drank a lot of them.
Yeah.
Like you can't keep it like it's one of those things where you like it's not it's more cerebral.
Right.
Instead of just physical combat which I like.
I can find that one.
He's just like a brr brr brr and he just fucking dies.
Cause if I can find it we'll talk about it.
Yeah cool.
If I can find the actual story to it.
Alright.
Despite Blood's own doubts about himself whenever the Justice League vanished during their attempt
to rescue Aquaman from the past, Batman's emergency program designed to assemble a substitute
Justice League in the event that the originals were killed.
Fucking B-Team.
Selected Blood as the team's magic expert.
A pre-recorded message Batman had left for Blood assuring the Sorcerer that he would
not give Etrigan the keys to the watchtower unless he was able to unless he was certain
that he could be controlled.
While working with the team Jason spent some time reinforcing the watchtower's magical
defenses during the subsequent fight with Gemma-Nay?
Hang on.
Gemma-Mna?
I guess is the way you pronounce it.
Jason sacrificed himself to freeze Atana from her control.
Although he later escaped its spell its quagmire spell thanks to the Martian Manticore's telepathy
pumping.
Giggity.
That's kind of what it reminds me of.
You're probably in his transformation into Etrigan.
The crisis resolved Jason handed his duties as the League's magic expert over to Monito
Raita.
Bullshit.
These are duties.
You nasty motherfuckers.
What if it's like a literal demon so if you like I accept these duties and he just gives
you a actual bunch of bullshit.
But what the fuck.
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and he brings a fucking horse carcass.
You're like you motherfucker.
I can't say shit around you.
You literal asshole.
And he's like no I'm not actually a literal asshole sir.
I'm a full being.
Like oh you know what I mean.
You an asshole that follows literal metaphors.
Because if you call him a literal asshole he'd be like what no I'm not.
Because he wouldn't actually be a literal asshole.
Right but like where he takes everything that you say literally.
The crisis resolved Jason handed his duties as League's magic expert.
Now I can't get over it.
Who gave it to who?
He gave it to Jason gave it to Monito Raven.
So he just gives him a fucking bag of shit.
Newly arrived in the present before departing.
Departing.
He just leaves it at their house with a bag of shit.
Lights it on fire.
The series Blood of the Demon plotted and drawn by John Bearon and scripted by Will
Pfeiffer began in May 2005, Etrigan apparently loses the restrictions imposed upon him by
the wizard Merlin which turned him from evil.
Caused by his murder.
At the exact moment he was transformed from his human self Jason Blood into his demon
self.
It turns out that the incident has resulted in Jason Blood being able to exert some will
over Etrigan's violent nature.
Whereas previously the two remained separate.
Only one existing at a time.
Blood of the Demon ended in issue number 17 in July of 2006 though.
I think that show the Brail of Batman brave the bold.
They had a good characterization of estrogen if I remember.
Estrogen.
My bad.
Estrogen.
I guess the G's a little bit.
It's spelled the same.
It almost smells in my head.
But estrogen.
I guess it would.
There is no S at the beginning.
There's not.
Etra.
Oh yeah I guess at the end.
You said estrogen.
But Etrigan he has like a good characterization in Batman brave the bold.
Yeah.
I think they make them rhyme all the time.
Yes they do.
Like in limerick.
Yeah.
I think Shakespeare.
So Etrigan later attempts to use the trident of Lucifer to take control of hell.
A makeshift shadow pack team successfully takes the trident from him and flees to the
supernatural oblivion bar.
Etrigan follows and battles the team inside the bar.
He is petrified with magic pistols and used as a hat rack before being returned to normal
by sunrise.
Damn they fuck him off.
They turn him into a hat rack.
Yeah.
Like a petrified version of himself and then they just hang their shit on him.
Etrigan takes part in the war for control of hell on the behalf of Neron dueling blue
devil.
Later during the effects of the magic drug satanus has infested hell with he was transformed
into a soulless physical human a perfect duplicate of Jason blood.
Blood meanwhile has taken steps to interfere with any possible attempts of Etrigan's to
reemerge.
Because he doesn't want to reemerge with him.
During the blackest night event though blood's body is possessed by dead man who invokes
Etrigan's transformation using his flames to hold back the black lanterns.
Etrigan briefly appears in the prelude to the JLA JSA crossover during the brightest
day event.
Etrigan travels to Germany to find a crashed meteorite that contains an unconscious jade
and confronts the Justice League after attacking a squad of German superheroes.
Not Zenazis either.
German superheroes.
Super soldiers.
See how that's a little weird.
He mocks the league by claiming they are inferior they are an inferior team of substitutes but
is ultimately defeated by Donna Troy using her lasso of persuasion to force him back
into Jason blood's form.
Not lasso of truth lasso of persuasion.
Jason apologizes for the trouble he caused and departs from the scene but not before
warning Batman and his teammates that the meteorite possesses supernatural qualities.
The meteor is later revealed to be Starheart a legendary entity that has the power to possess
metahumans with magical or elemental abilities.
Which we talked about before the Starheart with Alan Scott the green lantern.
Oh he didn't have an actual green lantern he had like a special.
Yeah I think that was part of that.
Etrigan is shown aiding the JLA during the mission into hell where he helps Hawkman defeat
the demonic beast.
He also was the guide to the secret six in their trip to hell and led Catman to see the
fate of his father.
All the while amused at the confusion and pain they were suffering as a result of their
visit.
That must be a big shitty irregular human in this world.
You know hell's real you know heaven's real.
The fucking watcher or not the what else the anti-monitor.
The monitor.
I'm like god dang I'd be fucking therapy must be fucking at a premium in this world.
Just to cope with the reality of like everything is real.
Everything in our world that's like suspected.
Yeah.
It's just real.
It's real.
That universe yeah.
See what I didn't like about that Lucifer show is actually took Michael out of it.
Michael the Archangel.
They replaced him with a minideel.
Like why?
Did you change the names here?
Maybe they had a reason.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't know if it was because of rights or something that they couldn't or maybe possible.
Then we have him during the new 52.
So the psyche part of DC Universe.
In the new 52 the 2011 reboot of the DC Comics universe his past and origin were largely
changed of course.
Before the dark ages Etrigan was a rhyming demon who served Lucifer before leading the
rebellion against him.
Kind of the way Lucifer led a rebellion against him.
I was like oh you motherfucking.
You think you can do this to me?
Those are the downs of Washington training then.
I'll put cases along you motherfuckers.
Jason of Norwick had been sent to Camelot as a scribe to Merlin and was growing frustrated
with life believing he was meant for greater things than suffering from rages.
A prophecy showed that if Jason did not have some sort of quest to force him to heal himself
his rage would grow and cause him to kill his love, Madame Xanadu.
Like how they're.
Wait what?
I'm confused.
Yeah.
He has a.
Wait what?
So Jason is not a knight of Camelot the way he was before the new 52.
In the new 52 he's a scribe.
Well but I don't understand what do you mean he's to heal himself or his rage will be so
fucking overwhelming he'll kill his wife or whatever.
I'm confused at that.
What does that mean?
A prophecy showed that if Jason did not have some sort of quest to force him to heal himself
basically I guess his mental health.
I guess.
His rage would grow and cause him to kill his love, Madame Xanadu.
So how are you Anakin Skywalker?
Because he suffers from rages.
Yeah man I get mad too I'm not gonna fucking kill my wife.
During the fall of Camelot Merlin bonded Etrigan to Jason in an attempt to provide this quest
for him.
But thanks bro.
Now immortal Jason and Etrigan came to an agreement and share their existence.
Madame Xanadu began traveling with Jason only to find Etrigan had now begun falling for
her as well and would slaughter innocents if he thought that she and Jason were happy
together.
To placate the demon she pretended to be in love with him and uh cuck holding Jason.
Damn girl.
You're doing too much.
It's funny because when I read the research they actually use the word cuck holding.
Cuck holding yeah.
It's funny that it's so ubiquitous in our nomenclature now that you can actually use
the word cuck.
Over the centuries Jason began known as Jason O the Blood and Etrigan continued to practice
his rhymes.
By the dark ages he and Etrigan began this uh became the center of a ragtag team of adventurers
the Demon Knights.
Jason and Etrigan, Xanadu, Vandal Savage, Shining Knight, the Horsewoman.
It'd be funny if Vandal Savage was just like in every team known to man because he just
has so much time on his hands.
You just see him in every picture.
You see him with the Justice League, the Justice Society, the Green Lanterns, the fucking Shadow
Page.
He's like is that Vandal Savage?
Like where's Waldo?
You'll find Vandal Savage in this picture somewhere.
And then he became a bad guy so it was like the fucking League of Doom.
It's just every team.
The Secret Society.
Every team known to man.
You go you read a you put up a book of Spider-Man you see him in the sinister six like that
Vandal Savage?
He's just in every team there is.
So uh the Horsewoman, Syracan inventor Al-Jabbar, the number in Arabic, and the Amazon Exoristos,
the Exile in Greek.
They first fought Mordru and the Questing Queen's army to a standstill before tasked
by the city of Al-Saram to return Merlin to life at Avalon.
Etrigan plotted to betray his teammates Sols and Avalon itself to Lucifer and curry his
favor.
Fucked up bro.
While he successfully manipulated the knights into letting hell invade Avalon and secretly
felt guilty about his treatment of Xanadu, he was he was himself captured and used by
the Questing Queen to gain access as well.
Lucifer believed Etrigan had done this deliberately and condemned him.
Outraged the demon refused to serve anyone again.
At the end of the battle Jason was tasked as a member of Avalon Stormwatch but neither
he nor Xanadu wanted to serve Merlin after having Etrigan forced on them again.
Jason vowed to not let the demon out so often.
In the present Etrigan's body lies buried in London.
It is explained that he was sealed there by his own friends because of his betrayal of
them but magic emanating from it is able to possess persons above, eventually freeing
the demon who promptly attacks Midnighter and Apollo.
The entire Stormwatch then battles Etrigan but after being defeated he is able to possess
a host and fleas.
During the Trinity War storyline Etrigan is among the superheroes who fill the disturbance
in the magical plane when Shazam picks up Pandora's Box.
When the timeline of the new 52 features in, Zatanna is romantically involved with Etrigan.
So she's getting that demon dick.
Which is weird.
The new 52 doesn't fit very well and no wonder it got rebooted again.
Some of the powers that Etrigan has, even among demons, Etrigan is considered to be
extremely powerful.
He was mystically enhanced super strength to a degree that he can stand up against other
powerhouses such as Superman, Wonder Woman and Lobo.
Superman?
I'm actually surprised to know he was that strong.
He has a high degree of resistance to injury and can project hellfire from his body, usually
from his mouth.
So he has that like demon breath basically.
Sometimes if he gets a tackle bow from his ass.
Exactly.
Flames just shoot out of his asshole.
He has a very high command of magic.
Other powers include mystically enhanced fangs and claws, enhanced senses, super speed, agility,
telepathy, energy blast and precognition.
His nature basically allows him to enjoy pain as if it were pleasure.
So at that point it's just pleasure.
Sadomasochistic?
Maybe.
Yeah.
Making him generally fearless in the face of combat and torture.
He loves that.
Twist my nipples even harder.
He loves that BDSM.
He revels in it.
His healing factor can handle an incredible amount of damage, allowing him to recover
from wounds that have removed large sections of his body.
He also has pyrokinesis and cryokinesis enabling him to manipulate fire and ice.
He's got one more CDL license.
I would add random shit on that on purpose.
He also possesses a CDL.
He can pour cliff drop where he wants to.
Jason Blood on the other hand, which is the other half of Vetrigan.
Jason Blood is a highly skilled hand to hand combatant, including mastery of swordsmanship
because this is pre-New 52 so it was whenever he was still part of the Knights of Camelot.
So of course he's gonna be.
I don't know what a find it is.
I always wondered about like old martial arts and stuff.
It's very crude because it's being invented at the time, right?
From what I understand, it's actually really-
I wouldn't want to see a boxer from now fight a boxer from 1910 because that boxer from
1910 is a fucking has-be.
It becomes so highly fine tuned like the sports that someone from a different era would not-
they maybe would stand a chance.
Maybe if it was not that far back like Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier could redevelop into this
newer, I guess new level of performance.
But if it was way back, back in the era when it first started, man.
If the football players from back in the 1930s played on the NFL team right now, they'd be
fucking destroyed.
The only thing that I'll push back with that, they also had less safety things back then.
Safety don't matter if you can knock the-
Imagine one of those big motherfuckers from back then playing now.
Remember they used to play with leather helmets.
I'm talking about how big?
They were giant.
Size, we had like six foot nine guys, like 400 pounds.
Yeah, they were just as big back then.
I don't know, maybe one or two, but not like a consistent row of linemen all fucking pushing
600 pounds.
You always had that one or two guy that was like the oddity, like fucking George Washington
being six foot two.
Yeah.
But now that's just normal.
Yeah.
I would be like, man.
I would agree with sports on a lot of things like that, but with swordsmanship, I would
assume it'd probably be better back then and martial arts too.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
And the only reason I say that is because there's a lot of people that still practice
the exact same way they did back then.
I'm going to talk about the training that was different.
Yeah.
Like the level of physical abilities, like a higher standard now.
I wouldn't want to go against fucking John Jones.
I don't think anyone in-
No, no, no.
Not with like mixed martial arts.
Even if it's like something like military level, like Navy SEALs are fucking Navy SEALs.
I don't think an Apache warrior would stand a chance against a Navy SEAL if they fucking
sniped from 600 miles away.
Yeah with modern equipment.
Yeah.
I'm just saying like that's the thing.
Like they got no chance.
A physical ability though.
I don't care getting his con coming in from the back and getting his fucking head caved
in by a random fucking Marine.
An RPG just boom, yeah, I got him.
My only point is that like with specific things like swordsmanship, of course they're going
to be better with swords than what we would be now.
Because they had the techniques down, like that's what they grew up with is swords and
daggers and stuff like that.
We don't have any of that now.
You might be able to train a little bit, but you're not going to have your entire life
divested into it the way they would.
I can beat them.
Give me like two years of actual specialized training.
I can beat anyone with a sword.
Back in the day.
I'm fucking bring them back in a time machine.
I promise you I'll whip the hell out of them.
Okay, we'll do that.
In fact, you know what I would do?
I'd fucking turn it over, right?
I wouldn't even need a fucking sword.
I just need a club.
If I could ring his fucking helmet, he'd be like, oh fuck.
We'll ring the shit out of him with a baton.
He would be dizzy as fuck.
My shit would be padded, right?
For like sound concussion, his would not.
I would knock his fucking ears off.
He'd be like, oh, I can't fuck.
I can't.
Welcome to modern medicine.
Understanding the human body.
Boom.
Hit him again.
You're going to have a bunch of people in the comments saying, oh fuck.
I ain't wrong.
Look it up.
If you hit someone with a metal helmet in the head with a fucking like blood object,
I promise you it'll ring the fuck out of them.
Jason's also adept at magic and is often called upon to act as an advisor or investigator
in occultic matters.
He has limited precognition and telepathy.
Jason is technically immortal due to his connection with the demon, Etrigan.
He has the combined experiences of Etrigan since he was bonded with the demon.
Jason blood shares all of Etrigan's weaknesses though, which include, uh, like he picks up
a fucking Bible and it fucking cuts his, like burns his hand.
Holy powers.
Well, damn.
Holy water and iron.
With his command of magic is strong, while his command of magic is strong, it is considered
to be less than half of his father, Belial and half brother Merlin.
Additionally, Belial granted the power of Etrigan to both Merlin and another son, Lord
Scapegoat.
Uh, he also is helpless against those with magic strong enough to control him, such as
Morgan Lafay.
Uh, he is also said to have a strong, uh, frailty for sound effects as well.
Like venom?
Kind of, yeah.
Certain sounds.
Like kind of with caps and like the comb.
Yeah.
So I heard it's like, it's like fucking a fork on a blackboard.
Now I feel bad watching those videos, the cats fucking gagging on a fucking comb.
Cause they, they were in the comb like, like it fucks up their like hearing.
Yeah.
I don't like that.
If it's the equivalency of like a fucking fork on a chalkboard.
Oh.
Like, ah.
The other day I had to move a pallet from the back on to outside, right?
And I, I didn't want to pick it up cause it was all fucking wood and like all fucking
miss formed.
So I slid across and the fucking nail, I was like, ah, I was trying to hold myself.
Fucking teeth in place.
Cause I thought they were going to fucking blow out of my fucking mouth.
I was like, ah, cause for some reason it hurts my front teeth.
I don't know why.
Yeah.
It doesn't hurt at all.
Oh, car.
So I'm just like pushing it.
I'm like, and I'm like, you saw me there about to gag completely.
Yeah.
I'm like, oh, how much faster do I got to slide this way?
I thought once I got into concrete, it wouldn't, it wouldn't sound even fucking worse.
Yes it does.
I know exactly what you're talking about there.
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, and next up we have, uh, the rest of our deep dive for the, um, the day princes that
we started last.
Hell yeah.
I'm gonna buy me an Xbox and get the Merowind game of the year edition.
I've been playing Merowind for 50 years.
So we left off, uh, last week we finished with, uh, Harmaus Mora, my boy, uh, forbidden
knowledge man.
Yep.
Next we have is Herseen.
Herseen?
Sounds familiar.
So Herseen known as the huntman, Lord Hunt.
A master of beasts.
Dardy motherfucker up on that Island.
Can't stand that motherfucker.
And the master of the chase is a Daedric prince whose spear is the hunt, the sport of Daedra,
the greatest game and the chase and sacrifice of mortal.
His realm is an oblivion is called the hunting grounds and endless forest where the prince
and his huntsman hunt great beasts, people, and even other Daedra.
Herseen is typically portrayed as a great spear, uh, pictured with a great spear and
either the head or skull of an elk.
The latter of which Khajiitimith say belong to Yafir's champion, the great Grot elk.
If I remember right, you had like a three, you had to fight him three times.
Once as a wolf, a bear, and then a deer.
Yeah.
If I remember, I never got to the boss because believe me guys, Merowind, if you didn't have
a strategy guide, you didn't know what the fuck was going on.
You were fucked basically.
Like what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Herseen is one of them.
Yeah, I can tell you like the perfect example.
So in the main quest, you have to go to this Dwemer, uh, Dwemer ruins outside of this town,
uh, Balmora, I think if that's what it's called.
Like it's like one of the main hubs you, you visit at the beginning of the game and you
go to this little town and then you go to this ruins, you, you open up the place and
you got to find this Dwemer cube that's supposed to help you, uh, decipher something.
Right?
I shit you not.
I go into this fucking ruins like I finally, after I finally find it, cause they tell me
it's right before the fucking Imperial garrison up on the fucking mountain.
I get past the garrison.
There was also not so many of those location markers either.
Like there was in Skyrim.
You didn't have that shit in Morrowind.
You didn't have like a marker that would tell you what, how just to follow this little beacon.
You actually had to listen to the directions that people gave you.
So I go into the Dwemer ruins, right?
And I kid you not, I go into the fucking bowels of this fucking place.
Like, like the deepest and I can't find this shit anywhere.
And like I'm looking everywhere for like, and I just kept getting deeper.
Like this place was massive.
I just kept getting deeper.
And once I hit the fucking like lava of every, like this is fucking, I'm in hell.
I went back.
I went back cause I was fucking done.
And like, uh, I just did other missions and stuff.
I never did the main quest.
And then I got, I got the strategy guide one day.
My cousin just randomly bought it somewhere and I, it was the whole game of the year edition
version too.
I go to the quest again, right?
I read it.
I shit you not.
It says it's on the table to your left, right at the gate.
When you first go in, I go in and it's like, mother of it is sitting right fucking there
after you went through the town to the bowels of hell depths of hell.
And that bitch was like fucking like you right at the beginning of the fucking ruins.
I fucking lost my shit.
I fought so much random shit in there.
Yeah.
Fucking Dwemer ghost and their fucking little soldier robot bullshit.
Anybody that's played Skyrim, you, you know nothing about the Dwemer ruins and more wind
the drummer, horrors and Merlin.
Good God.
Massively annoying.
So we're fucking status effects cause I didn't know how to heal stuff like back then.
So we just fucking be red marks all over my fucking status.
Yeah.
I'd be like, I'd be like over and comer cause my stress went down to zero for some reason
and I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know how to heal it.
People that play only Skyrim.
So it would look like I would just have like a disease for the rest of my life in the game.
Oh, you could get diseases easy.
Yeah.
I was like, fuck.
Mostly with like one of the vampires bitchy or something like that.
And one of those tombs just randomly.
The vampirism is the worst.
Yeah.
Cause there's nowhere else you can leave.
Like you can't like go back and like they know you're like, they just started, the guards
started going right after you.
Yeah.
Like they don't do that in Skyrim.
Like they're like, you took the weird about you, but I can't put my finger on it.
Yeah.
And that one like that, that's a motherfucking vampire right there.
And they automatically attack.
And like there, so all the towns were closed.
You can play the vampire missions in that game, but like they just cut it too off from
the entire game after that.
Yes.
Like you couldn't go to a town.
You couldn't go into other quests.
You just had to, and you had to find a way to heal yourself.
You could do like the whole vampire quest and then you go back to reverting to human.
But I was, I never wanted to do that stuff.
Fucking sub quest anymore.
Yeah.
No, it was annoying.
Cause like you had to, you had to fucking walk everywhere cause you couldn't teleport
or and the worst fucking disease was rock joint.
He did that shit.
Oh yeah.
Rock joint.
You couldn't move at all.
Like you're moving like extreme, like as slow as you move in a Skyrim, whenever you have
like encumbrance and stuff, take another like 10th of that speed away completely where you're
just at that one, the 10th of that speed is like just slow motion.
You can't fight.
You can't do shit.
All because of that fucking rock joint disease.
So if I get marijuana again, I have to get the strategy guide.
Yeah, you're going to have to.
I'll try on my own, but you know, when you can't, you can't.
All right.
Her scene is one of the more widely worshiped Daedric princess and Tamriel, despite never
actively seeking worship or reverence.
His appeal lies in his fear, which encompasses the thrill of the hunt, though this can be
taken to extremes.
His advocacy advocacy for sportsmanship is another lure as the law of fair hunt, which
he holds to, which he holds to prohibits cheating prey referred to as the hair out of genuine
chance at escape.
He admires the hair that overcomes whatever is thrown against him.
No matter the odds.
For example, one who turns the game on its head by hunting the hunters who may earn the
prince's respect.
Finally, he is straightforward in his desires.
He often seeks people out, tests them and rewards those who are able to prove themselves
worthy with a boom.
As the progenitor of Lycra Lycra pantheon, God fucking so that's the motherfucker that
made it.
Okay.
Yes.
Here scene is recognized as the father of manbeasts.
I know I saw a werebear once in Merwin, but no one believes me because I don't think they
were supposed to be in the game.
Yeah, they are.
They're in.
Are they?
Yeah, they're in.
I jumped by one of those motherfuckers one time.
They're in Solstheim.
There's an entire pack of them.
Okay.
Just making sure he serves as the guardian of where creatures which are often referred
to as his children.
The condition is called here seems gift by those who view it as a blessing and here seems
curse to those who consider it an abomination.
Here scene is quite prideful of lycra pantheon and resent those that receive it willingly
but have come to regret it.
He's known as having he's known to have ingrates slain to rid them of their misery regardless
of whether they worship him or not.
Here scene will typically claim the souls of skinshifters and they will spend eternity
in the hunting grounds.
The Demi prince Dirola is here since daughter.
There's a brief belief that here scene is allied with my runes day gone though.
I ran the foot killer claims that there is no such agreement at all that exists.
It would be obscure outside their own circle here scene has Daedra lords that manage some
of his subspheres and report to him such as Lord of fishing.
He may also be associated with the Daedric Lord hollow Jack.
Ibar is an enemy to here scene so he doesn't like him here.
Here scene 17 day is the fifth of mid year then we have next up is Athelia or Athelia
known as the prince of paths the mistress of the untraveled road the unseen the fate
changer the dark reflection the last tomorrow and she who saw and wept is the Daedric prince
of paths.
It is said that prisoners exist by her will.
She supposedly has the ability to shape destiny alter fate and rearrange its strands according
to her whim.
Consuming considering this power a threat to the order of the universe.
Her mass more erased all traces of her memory from existence in order to preserve reality.
Sir her mass more destroyed her when moved for him can't control fate and just fucking
destroys her.
The way he speaks.
If you pass that's kind of how he sounds when he talks.
It's almost like gandalf.
I mean that scene in the original Lord of the Rings where sermon had him right.
Yeah they just had fucking Ian McKellen just spit it in a fucking circle.
You know it's just CG that no CGI he's like.
Yeah.
He's so fucking disrespectful looking back at it like God I got this enough with spinning
in a circle.
If only I left behind her loyal servant.
Torvus art as a contingency plan for her absence as of the second era of five eighty two she
was known to the academic community.
The next one we have up is a jiggle lag.
Which you remember jiggle like don't you.
Yeah he's the ruler of the jiggle.
The juggalos.
Oh yeah.
What did I say the jiggle.
The jiggle.
Yeah the juggalos.
I guess if he was a jiggle.
I actually didn't mean the juggalos but I said jiggle by accident.
The jiggle lag the prince of order is a daydream prince whose fear represents logical order
and deduction.
Yeah just like a juggaloo.
His great library once contained a logical prediction of every detail in the world and
every action that would ever take place on Mundus or oblivion long before they actually
happened.
That's boring.
He was cursed and antiquity to become the prince of madness Shale Gorath.
Oh wait so he became.
He is Shale Gorath.
OK.
After the events of the last gray march Shale Gorath and Jiggle Lag are no longer the same
daydream prince.
However they are still connected in other ways.
It is said that the daydra fear wisdom and order and for his similarities to Jiggle Lag's
principles they fear the sotha-sil above all others.
Apostles of sotha-sil noted that of all the daydra only the great prince of order knew
his nature and went mad in the knowing.
Though many ada have ambitions they learnt their lesson from banishment and tend to keep
them within their own spheres lest they suffer the same fate as Jiggle Lag.
Jiggle Lag commands his own daydra the knights of order which are spawned from obelisks summoned
by his followers the priests of order.
Together they constitute the forces of order.
He is viewed as stern, bleak and colorless with him and his soldiers like in originality.
Alright.
Yes.
But he was basically Shale Gorath basically in the second era I think.
So in Morrowind they were the same prince.
Basically they drove Jiggle Lag to become mad and he became Shale Gorath.
That's wild.
The prince of madness.
Yeah.
Next up we have Malacath the daydra prince of lies, deception and hypocrisy.
The god of curses, daydra prince of the bloody oath, lord of ashenbone, lord of monsters,
oathbreaker, creator of curses, he who speaks sideways, the furious one, the keeper of the
bloody curse and the defender of the betrayed.
Also known as Maloc.
Just imagine now like him saying it sideways.
Is that sideways he's talking?
Like Rick Grimes from fucking Walking Dead.
He's known as Maloc to the orcs.
Orcay in Nordic tradition, Orca to the Khajiit, Maluk to the giant goblins and red guards,
Malak to the dunmer and Maluk the blue god.
Are there orcs in Tamriel?
You don't remember the orcs?
Shit no.
Remember you have the orcish weapons?
Oh yeah there is.
In Skyrim yeah.
The green ones.
Damn I completely forgot about them didn't you?
Like entirely.
It just seemed like it's something that, because it's such a generic fantasy character.
I didn't imagine them to be, I forgot about the orcs.
They also have those fucking bases.
Like those strongholds.
Yeah like the strongholds.
So you completely forgot about one of the, just completely erasing that race?
Yeah like completely from my head.
He's basically is a Daedra prince whose fear is the patronage of the spurned and ostracized
and keeper of the sworn oath and the bloody curse as well as conflict, battle, broken
promises and anguish.
Malacath has been described as a weak but vengeful Daedra by some.
And he fittingly given his fear is allegedly not recognized as a Daedra lord by his peers.
However Azura considers him among the powerful princes as he was the one of the eight to
sign the cold harbor compact.
The prince rules over a realm in Oblivion known as the Ashpit and he counts the oversized
but dull witted ogrim as his servants.
Malacath was created whenever Boethiah ate the Aldmeri ancestor spirit Trenimac.
Although Malacath himself says that this tale is far too literal minded.
Additionally Trenimac's most devoted elven followers were transformed into the Osmer.
That's what they're considered as and Morrowind is the Osmer.
Not the orcs but the Osmer.
That's why it wasn't yeah.
Yeah the Pariah folk and Aldmeri's.
Or that motherfuckin umber in Morrowind.
I never died in battle but if I could find someone, have you ever found him?
Yeah.
I don't know if he's the most powerful he's not like he seemed like the most powerful
character in the game but like he wants to die in battle and he doesn't want to just
die of old age.
Yeah.
So you find any beast of shit out of you.
Yes.
Well the the black knight I think is the most powerful one.
In Morrowind?
I was thinking in just in Eldersfield.
In general?
Yeah.
Um.
I knew how powerful he was when he fucking hit me once and I fucking buckled.
I was like ah you know when he drops your knees like I'm like uh oh it's gonna be a
long fight.
You better know this cheat code.
And you get right back up and he fucking buckles you again.
However some orcs cling to the belief that Trinimax still exists and Malacath is a separate
entity.
Goblinkind worships the blue god whom they venerate with sacred idols of Malacath painted
blue.
Remember what the goblins were right?
In Skyrim?
Those little things that were you didn't play Solstheim very much.
A little bit.
They were the one like in Solstheim where they're little itty bitty goblins.
Aren't they like in Morrowind too but they're blue?
Yeah they're the same thing.
Okay.
Yeah.
Malacath is considered the first of the four corners of the House of Troubles in Morrowind.
Though other sources say he is an ally of Mephala and an enemy of Oberon.
Um.
Fucking House of Troubles I remember them.
It was Daggathur's house I think.
Some consider him an enemy of Ebonarm.
His summoning day is the 8th of Frostfall.
Trollfad is consistently used as an element in rituals intended to summon Malacath.
Next up we have Mehrunes Dagon.
The exalted and most puissant lord.
Jarrant of Dagon.
Also the Blight Daedra lord.
Lord of Change.
Prince of Ambition.
Prince of Disaster and Destruction.
Master of Razors.
Sovereign of Destruction.
The Flame Tyrant.
The Father of Cataclysm.
The Golden Flame.
The Flame Father.
The Prince of Being Defeated.
And the Mere Pride's End.
He's the Daedric Prince of Darkness and Destruction.
He's the one that is in Oblivion.
The guy with the multiple arms and stuff like that at the end.
Who Sphere encompassed.
He's the one that attacked...was that Tamriel?
What was the country in Oblivion?
Tamriel.
Okay, he was the one that went to war?
Yeah.
Any reason why or just a little lost?
Well Tamriel is the continent and then...
Cyrodiil?
Cyrodiil, yeah.
Was the actual country within...
Didn't...oh because the king died so it broke the bond that held him back.
The Time Dragon.
What is the god's name?
The dragon god though.
Larry Bowen?
No.
But yeah, it's the one that basically allowed Mehrunes Dagon to come into the world.
It was like, guess who's back?
I'm back again.
He just immediately fucking evaded.
Like the second he heard the dude, he's dead.
You can get on that.
Whose Sphere encompasses destruction, change, revolution, energy, and ambition.
The Lord of Fire and Blood is associated with natural disasters like fires and earthquakes.
Flash floods, thunderstorms, and other natural disasters have been linked to communications
between him and his cultists.
The prince is also said to be the author of the Mysterium Xarxes, which is a book that
you find in Tamriel.
I know, Tamriel.
They're all about books.
Mehrunes Dagon has an insatiable hunger for destruction.
Zevele Moath and Phaedra Shardai are Dagon's adoptive children.
There is a belief that Mehrunes Dagon is allied with Hircine, though Lyranth the Fool Killer
claims that there is no such arrangement that exists.
It would be obscure outside of their own circle.
Enemies of the Prince of Destruction include Ibranarm, Akatosh, and Malagbol, with whom
Dagon shares a bitter rivalry.
The two have been known to meddle in each other's schemes whenever the opportunity arises.
It is also rumored that the prince hates Nocturnal.
Hates Nocturnal?
Yeah, you remember Nocturnal?
The Daedric Prince that the Thieves Guild worships.
Oh, the check?
Is it a check?
Yeah.
Dagon's protonymic is Legolach, and his neonymic, and I am not going to pronounce this, so I'll
just post the words above here whenever this goes onto YouTube, because I'm not going to
fuck up that name.
What is it?
Is it bad?
No, I just...you pronounce that shit.
Which one?
It's the second line of bold lettering.
Damn.
Let me see here.
Jekakilaho.
Dahiv Effenhausenfan.
Yeah, I fucked that up.
First one was Jekakilaho.
Jekakilaho?
That's basically what I just said in the first one, which I'm pretty sure is what he was
trying to say on purpose.
That's hilarious.
If I knew what fucking language it was supposed to be, like in the fucking terms of our fucking
planet, I could at least figure it out.
Jekakilaho?
Like, is it Latin?
Is it fucking Arabic?
You know, like, give us a frame of reference.
But some people just like to mash words together that make no fucking sense.
That's kind of what that looks like.
The Princess Semonine Day coincides with the Warriors Festival, the 20th Assault Disc.
Next up is Mephala.
Mephala.
Mephala is a Daedric prince whose association with murder, lies, deception, sex, and secrets
is always weaving a web of intrigue and terror, also called Hannibal Lecture.
Though it is a...
Fuck me.
If you see that movie, my god, I'd mostly be so sorry.
I can't believe he's the fucking same guy that plays the police chief in Monk.
The guy that played Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.
I was like, is that fucking...
I forgot what his fucking name was in Monk.
I couldn't believe it.
Same character.
The same actor.
I'm like, what the fuck, man?
All right.
Though it is stated that her sphere is obscured to mortals, Mephala is known as the web spinner
plot weaver, androgyne, the spinner, and the spider, the teacher of the secret arts, the
queen of the age shadows of murder, the silver spider, the spider god, the dark one, the whispering
lady, the lady of whispers, and the queen of oblivion.
Mephala is the one in Skyrim where the kid goes and listens to that door, where it speaks
to him through the door, but you get that long sword where if you kill a comrade, it
gains power.
That's fucking insane.
Yeah.
She is also referred to as the princess of secrets, and she who weaves the sordid web
of human affairs.
Long, thin, silver hair is a trait associated with Mephala's champions.
Mephala interferes in the affairs of mortals for her own amusement and does nothing without
purpose.
Mephala thinks of the affairs of mortals as a weave, pull but one thread and the whole
thing unravels.
To her, the web of Orbis, Orbis, I guess, yeah, Orbis, is an interconnected system of
action and consequence, and she spends new threads to influence outcomes.
In an essay analyzing the Daedric Prince, Dvaeth fear posits that Mephala likely doesn't
see mortals as mere playthings, unlike some of her fellow princes do.
She's actually trying to interfere because she wants to interfere instead of just on
a whim like the rest of the Daedric Prince.
Just to fuck shit up.
It's a Saturday and there's no football on today.
It's called Fuck Some People's Lives.
The web spinner deals in secrets and hidden lore.
She and her worshippers value secrets and mysteries above all else.
Those who stumble upon one of Mephala's shrines or a place where an artifact of hers is hidden
may find Mephala whispering forbidden secrets in their ears.
Hermaeus Mora, the demon of knowledge, is sometimes referred to as Mephala's sibling.
Hermaeus Mora collects knowledge of all sorts, but Mephala cares only about knowledge that
is obscure and undisclosed.
Not only is she secretive, Mephala also cares very little for the safety and well-being
of mortals.
The spider takes great pleasure in strife.
A ruined marriage, two peaceful factions erupting into bloody warfare over falsified evidence
of treachery.
She finds all of these things amusing.
So she runs a freaking Jerry Springer-esque realm.
Mephala is purported one of the strongest of the recognized spirits that emerged soon
after Akatosh.
That's what I was thinking of the dragon god Akatosh.
Formed time and began.
Mephala's enemies include Ebonarm, so nobody likes Ebonarm at this point, and Peri-ite.
Remember Peri-ite's the one of diseases.
She was also allied with Malakath at one point prior to the warp in the west.
The ancient Khajiit considered her an ally to Azura, Boethra, and Lor'kha.
I remember reading a book in Skyrim talking about that other continent outside of Tamriel.
I don't know if they were hinting on what the new races were going to be, but they had
some weird ones like lions and-
The dragon people or snake people?
The snake ones too, yeah.
I was like, oh, they're trying to hint at maybe making some new races in the game.
I guess we'll wait and see.
But I guess in my head, if they go to, let's say they've said it like a thousand years
in the future, the continents went to war, and then eventually they made a peace.
That's how the two races now-
You get both continents people-
Easter mingling.
Yeah.
That way there's no actual conflict.
If it's just like, if you got to pick one race and now you're at this fucking continent,
and you can't move the other one without getting attacked, would make no sense.
This is why I see them are like, maybe Tamriel conquers this new place, and they set up a
huge bunch of cities there.
All these people now are on the new continent, or maybe they come and conquer some of Tamriel.
I think that it would be the other way, where the people come and conquer parts of Tamriel.
We just play whatever country they conquered.
It's been a few years now, so there's a peace and all this.
Because I know they were at war in Skyrim with the high elves, and that war was not
going in the Imperial favor, if I remember correctly.
No, not completely.
So we don't know what happened.
Plus, with the Civil War in Skyrim, that just depleted the resources of the Empire.
Yes.
That's why, morally, who would you choose between the Nords or the Imperials?
You go with the Imperials because then it ends the war quickly, and then you can focus
all your attention on the actual enemy.
Yeah.
The freaking high elves.
Was it the Aldmer?
I don't know what they were called, but I can't remember the exact name of them.
It's been a long time.
They were powerful.
All right, next prince that we have is Meridia.
You remember Meridia?
Oh, that was that chick with the orb?
Yeah, the one that nobody wanted to find?
Yeah, you never wanted to find it.
Your second place, you're like, please don't let me find that orb right now.
And then whatever level, it had a specific level lock.
So once you got to that level, there it is.
No matter what the fuck it is.
Any chests that you open?
It would eventually just pop up one day.
And you're like, what was it?
You're like, fuck.
Mortal, you have found my beacon.
The beacon fucking says 600 miles into the fucking sky.
Meridia's beacon is what it's called.
All right, so Meridia, lady of infinite energies, the bright lady, the strict but fair arbiter
of inner luminance, the sun fire, the radiant one, the keeper, the lady of light, the red
star, the harbinger of dawn, a goddess who holds a mirror of the lie.
And the prince of life is the Daedric prince of life and light associated with the energies
of living things.
Though it is stated that her sphere is obscured to mortals, the sunburst is her symbol.
She has a great and everlasting hatred for the undead and will greatly reward any who
eliminate them from the world.
And she really did hate the fucking dead in Skyrim.
With fervor, she reveals purity within chaos, aiming to abolish false life so that Mundus
may be reforged with the fire of a new light.
As such, Meridia has a reputation for benevolence and one of the few Daedric princes who is considered
not holy to be evil.
Her day of summoning is the 13th of Morningstar.
In spite of this, she is referred to as the Glister Witch or the Lady of Greed by those
who view her less favorably.
With a habit of collecting live human specimens to satiate said greed, to her enemies, Meridia
is known for her violent loathing of disorder as well as her obsessiveness, self-righteousness,
irrational anger towards entities that seem impure, and hatred of mortal free will and defiance.
She believes that free will should be surrendered to passion, destiny is fulfilled for the vessel.
As with most princes, Meridia sees mortals as assets primarily for use as means to an end.
Meridia can bestow upon mortals immortality at the cost of their free will, becoming those
known as the Purified, slaves to her command, cleanse of disease, death, and free will.
People who join the ranks of the Purified are both those that willingly pledge to serve
Meridia and the unwilling such as those that defy her.
Meridia also granted immortality to her champion, Umaril the Unfettered, and the ancient Aelid
enemy of Pelennil Whitestrake.
Her Aurorans and Umaril returned during the time of the Oblivion Crisis to seek vengeance
on the divines.
Her sphere of energy and life often brings her into conflict with many of the other princes
of Oblivion.
She most notable examples of this include the feuds that she has in an internal battle
with the Daedric Prince of Domination, Malak Bol.
She can't stand this person because he created the vampires.
During the waning days of the Aelid Empire, Meridia would be responsible for the destruction
of Mola Gabal Worshiping, Aelid city of Abagarlus, commanding her knights in the Meridia Worshiping
Aelid city of Dilidil to invade after discovering a great and terrible weapon known as the Mortum
Vivictus was gifted to Abagarlus by the Lord of Domination himself.
This feud would continue well into the second era where Meridia's assistance was instrumental
in stopping Malak Bol's plane milled.
Whenever they tried to merge them during the Elder Scrolls Online.
He tried to merge the two worlds into one.
I remember that was when they used to have those weird circles in the sky.
Yeah.
Those big ass anchors would jump down and almost smash my skull.
They should have landed right next to me.
Yep, that's what I was talking about.
Okay.
The denizens of Malak Bol's realm of Cold Harbor refer to Meridia as the Shining Bitch.
Damn.
Tell me how you really feel.
Her worshippers are often locked away and tortured in the lightless Obelit.
Her other notable enemies include Nocturnal, who once invaded Meridia's realm in her quest
to rewrite reality and Eberarm, the god of war who dislikes most Daedra Princess.
Next one up we have is Malak Bol.
He's a Daedric Prince whose fear is the domination and enslavement of mortals.
His ultimate desire is to harvest the souls of all mortals, bringing them within his sway
by spreading seeds of strife and discord in the mortal realms.
To this end, he obsessively collects soul gems and even dragged pieces of Nern into
his realm to satisfy his insatiable desire for conquest.
The more souls he collects, the more he wants.
Malak Bol values patience and cunning.
He often deceives those he deals with and has no trouble waiting exceedingly long periods
of time for his plans to come to fruition.
He also takes great pleasure in the suffering of mortals and often has them tortured for
his amusement.
Those who fall into his clutches are first to labor ceaselessly for his benefit.
The Prince has a penchant for necromancy, often employing the use of the risen dead
and forcing his followers to serve beyond the grave.
He is capable of preserving live mortals far beyond the normal lifespan to prolong their
suffering.
Malak Bol is acknowledged as the father of several children, though it is unclear what
those relationships mean to him.
His son, Oza Zakhar, who is the Daedric Titan, has a daughter named Malagrunda and a winged
Twilight who took the lowly frost Akronok Nomeg Gwe as her consort.
Malak Bol did not approve of the relationship and had them both banished to Oblivion so
that he could punish them for eternity.
A persistent legend about Haemon Cameron claims that he is a progeny of Malak Bol and Breton
woman.
So he claims to be the child of the two.
Malak Bol's enemy include Ebonarm, Bumweithia Meridia, Lamebol, and Arkay.
Arkay is the god of funerals and stuff like that.
How you always find the priests of Arkay in Skyrim where they attend to the dead and the
crypts and stuff like that.
He was at one point allied with Azura.
His summoning day is during Sheila on the 20th of Eveningstar.
He appears before his cultist in the guise of a mortal whenever invoked on these dates.
Then we have Nymeria.
She's one of the most disgusting ones.
Nymeria is the Daedra prince whose fear is the ancient darkness.
She is also known as the Daedra prince of hunger, the mistress of Decay, the lady of
Decay, the spirit Daedra, and the goddess of the dark.
Nymeria is the ruler of sundry dark and spirited shadows and is often associated with slugs,
spiders, and other things that inspire mortals with instinctive revulsion.
The symbol of a bat is featured on her emblem.
The Khajiit believe that all creatures who feed on rotten flesh are her spies.
She is the Daedra prince of spirits and shadows as well as a patron of vermin and squalor.
Nymeria also appears to be associated with beggars and the beggaring gifts of disease,
pity, and disregard.
Nymeria and her shadow endeavors are often recognized to bear some association with eternity.
Someone in line with this, the Khajiit believe that she has a spirit of infinite realms.
Nymeria sees herself as an outright ruler of all spirits.
In some cultures and creation stories, she is responsible for corrupting Lorkhan or making
a deal with him during his endeavor to create Mundus.
Mortals who become ensnared by this spirit are tortured until they forget who they were
and know only Nymeria.
Ancient Khajiit knew her as Ur-Dra, a term also used to describe Nyturnal.
It implies that the owner of the title is the eldest and most powerful of the Daedric
princes.
Hermes Mora is similarly called Ur-Dra or Elder than Ada.
Nymeria's followers and the priesthood of the Arkay have clashed on multiple occasions
in the past.
Nymeria counts Azura, the Twilight Cantor's, Ekin-Arthi, and Eberon arm among her enemies.
Her summoning day is Murkos Day, the ninth of the second seed.
I only got a couple more here.
Well, I say a couple.
About four more.
We'll go ahead and save them for next week though and do that as a part three.
The first one we'll start with next week is Nocturnal.
Nocturnal?
Yep.
They sure are missing that time.
Yeah.
Because you look like you're getting ready to go night and night.
Alright moving on to the last segment that we got today.
Are you ready for some Reddit?
Yep.
You ready to hear all these stupid sons of bitches from Reddit?
Alright first one we have is by TerribleLog1701.
This person puts.
Simple story.
Context.
21 year old man.
Some friends and I were renting an AirBnB and it was the last day before leaving.
I was sweeping the kitchen and my friend was leaning against a wall.
I reached the spot she was standing at and didn't want to make her move since I literally
was just going to do it quickly in one sweep and move on.
Not wanting her to move I said, spread your legs I need to get in.
In my mind I was just asking her to quickly spread her legs, widen her stance basically
so that I can sweep between them and leave.
But I suppose that wasn't communicated fully in my statement.
She goes, whoa and then starts bursting out laughing.
I'm confused.
She laughs like a mad man.
Stammers away making her way to the group.
Or she repeats what I had said to the entire group bursting out laughing at me.
It's then that I realized how what I said could be taken in a different way.
I just continued my sweeping as everyone laughed at me.
I just sweep it like all sad.
Spread your legs let me in.
I said now.
Alright next one is by Kayla with one two three four five six seven eight nine threes
in a row.
Damn.
Apparently Kayla was a very common name on Reddit.
Nine threes?
How much is that?
Nine times three is what?
Twenty seven.
Maybe she's just her age.
Twenty seven.
At the time yeah.
I've been friends with benefits with somebody for a decent bit of time now.
Long story short without delving into intimate details I made him give me eye contact during
fellatio which apparently overwhelmed him emotionally and he passed out.
Damn he's like hey look at that damn sharing gun and his brain collapsed.
He kept saying no.
I kept asking him for eye contact or I wouldn't continue.
I just wanted some emotional intimacy and to play with him a bit.
I ended up calling 911 and they wanted to take him to the hospital because he was still
out out of it whenever he got there.
She took his fucking soul.
It turns out he had mild syncope.
What's that?
I'll explain here in a minute.
I stayed with him all evening and stuck with him and let's see I stayed with him all evening
and stuck him with a fat medical bill.
The entire evening in the ER not fun and on top of that I feel so guilty for breaking
his bank.
Of course we live in the US.
He says he's okay with it but not really a fun evening.
Feels awful for me.
So basically I didn't know what the hell that even meant.
So you go down to the comments and somebody actually explains what the fuck it is.
Syncope is caused by a decrease in blood flow to the brain typically from low blood pressure.
I guess his blood is elsewhere.
Dick must have been fucking rock hard.
And then he bent down to stare at her and passed out.
He's like here's my eye.
Somebody put the impaired blow job she literally sucked the life out of him.
Imagine getting taken to the hospital for that.
I'm like handed from getting my dick sucked.
We go from that one blow job to another.
Next one is by border melancholy.
This person puts my fiance and I got some weird alone time and wanted to make the best
of it.
We have super busy schedules lately so finding time to be intimate has been difficult.
We discovered very quickly that we were out of condoms.
He went to the store as fast as he could and grabbed the first box he could see and came
back home.
When he put it on.
There we go.
When he put it on.
I heard first box he could see.
I know.
You got some random bullshit.
Not the dollar tree once.
The dollar once.
We'll see what he got.
When he put it on he said it felt a bit tight after a few seconds.
He said that it was going soft.
He was going soft.
I figured I should be a good fiance and help him out so I had him lay down and gave him
head until he was hard again and then a little longer for good measure.
He didn't take the condom off so we didn't have to deal with him trying to put it on
again and potentially going soft so I just sucked him off with the rubber on.
Damn girl.
Latex shit must be nasty though.
We successfully had sex and then almost immediately afterwards I realized I couldn't feel my
lips or tongue.
How is one of those numbing cream ones?
Or those like stamina ones that numb his cock?
He said his lips felt a little tingly too.
We didn't know why.
He decided to check the condom box to see what they were made out of.
They don't fucking reverse because that should only be on the inside for him not for her.
Apparently whatever he bought had some kind of numbing stuff on it to make the guy last
longer which adds up because it took him absolutely forever to finish.
So whenever I sucked his dick I got the numbing stuff all over my mouth and didn't realize
it because she was so far into the foreplay in sex.
And then whenever she kissed him during sex she transferred some of the numbing agent
to him and made both of their tongues go numb.
Wait why is it on the outside?
Well whatever it unrolls I mean.
Well no because it's gonna spread.
Maybe I don't know.
It's gonna spread.
It's gonna be like some sort of weird like maybe you put it backwards.
How do you put it on backwards?
You can put it on reverse.
Wouldn't unroll.
It would unroll every way you want.
Once it's unrolled you can put it inside out.
But you'd have to go through a hell of a lot of trouble to do that.
Right but something about it just seems odd.
Like that should not be on the outside at all.
It should only be on the outside.
It's the same thing whenever it says that it has internal lubricant but it's still on
the outside.
The numbing agent would affect her vagina too which would make no sense for her.
She doesn't need to be numb.
But it may not be like it only may be a little bit.
But then she says she was going to town too.
What is she fucking like uh the inside.
I'm real confused as to why the numbing agent is on the outside and the inside.
It makes no fucking sense to me.
I'm confused.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Maybe I don't use enough condoms.
Maybe I have no idea.
She says I couldn't drink water without dribbling it for a good 20 minutes and even slurred
my speech a bit because I couldn't use my tongue to properly speak.
That's what happens whenever you know you suck on a numbing agent condom.
Weird.
Uh next one is by uh Far Promotion 5010.
This person puts.
This has been bothering me and I need to vent.
I have a wide array of interests whenever it comes to adult content.
I was on a reddit group involving moms and sons.
I was fully aware.
At least a man is honest.
I was fully aware that it's not real and that's the point.
It's a dumb fantasy that I like sexy mature women.
While on the group I followed a link to a discord chat a discord group that I believed
would basically be a cougar milf type group.
So you're looking for milfs.
You've been there you know.
Whenever I joined the discord every channel was locked requiring registration on a website.
It seemed strange to me.
Like a possible scam.
So I closed the window and went on my way without ever receiving access to the group.
The next day I received a message saying I was locked out of discord for three days because
the discord contained content involving minors.
Holy shit ya fuck up bro.
I was horrified and disgusted.
I want nothing to do with kitty.
I can't.
You say the two words together you're going to get blocked on YouTube.
Kitty pool.
Yes.
Close enough.
Kitty corn.
There you go.
Why'd you get banned on YouTube?
And now even been that close to me is haunting me.
Yeah you shouldn't follow those.
This person puts the first comment building that alibi.
Nice.
That would be a terrifying thing.
Because all you do is want to get some actual honest adult content and you run into something
like way B like uh oh.
It makes me wonder how pedophiles do it.
They just seem to find that shit everywhere.
And you got to do everything you can to avoid it.
The guy actually responded to that.
He's like joke all you want but whenever I saw that message from discord telling me
I was temporarily banned it made my skin crawl.
Like it was the actual poster that actually commented underneath it.
They're trying to build more of that alibi.
But it's like building that alibi.
Nice.
It's like calm down Diddy.
They don't believe you anyway.
Get your freak hops on.
Like nobody knew Diddy was doing this shit.
Come on man.
Everybody knew Diddy was doing.
Diddy was dittling.
We knew.
Diddy was definitely down to dittling.
His mom was in some of those freak hops.
I know.
I was like god dang Diddy.
You've been in the family huh?
He was like dude.
Like days long session that the performers would be so exhausted.
They had IV dribs to get rehydrated.
Like they had to be hooked up to IVs.
Ain't that fucked bro.
I was like what the fuck.
You're so fucking tired.
They got to put you in an IV to get your fucking fluids back up.
They had to give him like basically heroin and shit to get him active again.
Heesh man.
That's just how he was as a person.
He just had the money to do it.
And then there's a bunch of people going back now looking at the videos that he was in and
stuff for rap songs where he's just looking at the other dudes ass the entire time and
stuff.
Oh diddy was looking even back then.
There were the rappers that were running away from it.
It just shows you uh.
Well you gotta get right with yourself I guess.
As a person right.
You gotta understand yourself as a person.
Yeah.
Because if you ever had access to that level of money you don't know.
You hope you know what person you'd be.
If you had money I could see you throwing free calls.
No.
Why would I throw a free.
Why would I want a bunch of people in my.
Get the fuck out of my damn house.
Over a thousand bottles of baby oil.
I want to build a cozy home where like you know for a nice family.
I don't want some nasty ass fucking mansion.
But that's what I'm saying like all these people are like you know what.
Because that was him.
He just like once he had the money he got to do it.
But he always wanted that.
He always wanted the free calls.
Yeah.
He just didn't have the money to do it.
Now he did.
So you gotta wonder like uh.
You gotta fit yourself out before you get rich and famous because you never know.
What's funny is that there's even those memes where he chose Diddy and Lyman and they've
got the next thing where it's the Costco lady looking at the bottles of baby oil.
It's like uh uh.
That'll be eighteen thousand seven hundred dollars fifty three cents.
I got you.
Sometimes I hope that I'm a good enough person not to be.
Because like money does not change anybody.
It just makes you you.
It just exacerbates what you've already got.
Or what you already are.
So he was always a freak and now he just had the money to do it.
So he had he had the money to do it because that shit was insane.
Yeah.
All the video.
When that when that prosecutor said they had video footage I'm like oh Diddy done.
They got him on camera.
All right next one is by accepts compliments.
This person puts.
So I'm currently on a trip to Spain staying in a hostel.
I was in a shared kitchen on the first night and wanted to make myself a cup of tea.
But some guy was using the kettle.
No issues.
Me.
You know whenever you're done him.
Why me.
I'm just looking to make some tea him annoyed.
Why.
So I can fucking drink it.
What do you mean me.
I just feel like making a cup of tea.
What's the issue.
He turns to me clearly very irritated and says the word again more enunciated.
At which point I realized he wasn't saying why he was saying wait in a very strong accent.
How.
White.
Huh boy.
I feel like an asshole after that.
I'm sorry.
At this point a group of people standing nearby are staring at us.
One is amused.
One is giving me a dirty look.
Well the third is rolling her eyes.
I realize I'm looking like a Karen.
Like an American woman.
God dang it.
I go red and try to explain that I misheard the guy.
But before I could get enough words out he cuts me off really angrily.
And one of the girls from the girls from the group goes leave him alone and have some patience.
He will be done soon.
Who the fuck are you talking to.
This is American.
It made no fucking sense.
So anyway I walked away embarrassed.
Didn't get my tea and I am seriously considering just booking a whole new hostel.
That sucks.
TLDR.
I repeatedly misheard a guy and looked like an obnoxious Karen.
First comment though.
That's not your fuck up on your part.
All dude had to do was say yes.
But he didn't know because he said wait so I was like why.
Why.
But if you're saying it like I don't understand you.
But he didn't say she didn't understand.
Like could you say that again.
He didn't assume it was why.
Well the person below them too is like yeah or add some extra words shit.
Instead of saying why.
Nah I would just be like.
And why have somebody said that if they wanted to use it why would you say that even.
Like why would that be a response of wait.
Because he's using it at the moment.
Or you bet you would.
I wouldn't say it in that way.
Like if somebody said hey.
We don't know his level of English so if that's all he knew was wait.
He's trying his best.
But I'm thinking if he's.
But if you mishear it in such a way that it sounds like why.
You would at least think that he'd be probably what English or Australian.
No because we don't know if he speaks English.
She never said he never said who he was.
No.
It could be like a fucking like.
Do you think Spanish people say wait.
Why wait.
Like why.
Yeah.
Actually.
Why.
Yeah.
That's exactly his buddy Hispanic.
Ass away.
It's like a just a misunderstanding to me though.
Not necessarily a true fuck up.
I mean make it yourself look like a Karen.
Yeah.
But.
All right next one is by why it's jackfruit.
9 1 4 5.
This person pits.
Well if there was ever a case for bad timing bad luck and bad sex.
This would be.
The whole Trinity.
Yeah.
If I met a woman on Tinder and after some time talking invited her over to my place
for some dinner and to play some games on Mario Kart.
A man of true culture.
Yes.
I mean they're in the mid 20s.
So we added a twist that where for each race a person loses they must remove one article
uploading a true man of culture.
I mean you know it wouldn't be Mario Kart because I can't stand Mario Kart.
Mario Party.
Yeah.
But we have to make the rounds less than because you can get some like 50 round game like God
dang.
Yeah.
Do like 15 rounds.
Yeah.
You got to make the games go quick.
Yeah.
More clothes come off faster.
But at the same time we get so competitive like OK.
I'm losing this fucking map.
She's got nothing on your fully clothed.
I mean it's to be like I win again get the hell out of my house.
But it ended up in and it always has to be Mario Party 2.
That's my favorite one.
Mario Party 2.
See I play Smash Bros.
You got to play a competitive game like that.
Yeah but I don't know.
I said Mario Party is my game.
My jam.
What ended up ensuing was multiple competitive rounds.
But in the end I won.
From there things escalated very quickly and progressed from making out.
This fight.
It goes completely wild.
Yeah because that would be the actual escalation.
You lose that baby like you.
Progress from making out to both our clothes coming off eventually reaching the point of
us having sex.
Here's where the fuck up of the fuck up comes in.
In the middle of things we were rough and heavy and she starts to say that her lips
are getting itchy.
And while this is happening I can see her breasts thighs and many other parts starting
to turn red.
What the hell did you feed her?
We stop and she asks me if the dinner if the dinner we had had any sort of seafood in it
and that she was severely allergic to fish.
I had I was it was not in the dinner but and all of a let's see but in all of that I remember
that I had salmon for lunch and I kissed her in many spots on her body.
So you fucking killed her bro.
I tell her what happened after which she immediately gets dressed back up grabs her bag and immediately
runs to the car and speeds off presumably I think to the hospital.
She's got to leave at least go with her.
She didn't even give me a chance to say anything.
I tried calling and texting her but got no response to both.
More than anything I want to make sure that she was okay.
Yeah exactly.
And if it was a bad allergy attack to the point of anaphylaxis I was willing to go with
her and drive her to the hospital considering this whole situation was my fault.
After three days she texts me a short paragraph basically saying I'm a sweet guy but she wasn't
feeling a spark.
I feel horrible about this.
I feel like me causing the allergy attack probably contributed to her decision.
Ouch.
The first comment so long and thanks for all the fish.
She just booked that shit out of there.
How long does salmon stay in your mouth bro?
Damn brush your fucking teeth.
I know.
Did he not clean his mouth at all?
I think he did not.
I was going to say I was from the pussy he ate early.
He had that tuna.
Okay.
Next one we have is by Daniela the Pielanist.
The fuck is that?
I have no idea.
It doesn't say pianist it says Pielanist.
Pielanist?
What the fuck is position?
What does she do?
First and first.
So tonight I made pasta for dinner.
I love spice.
So put so many chili flakes in my pasta.
Little did I know.
I watched this TikTok video of this mom and her little daughter and she was asking what
did your dad put on your telescope?
It was peanut butter right?
And he was supposed to put cinnamon on it for flavor and he mistook the bottle and he
put chili powder on it.
So the little girl is like chili powder?
My dad made it.
They fucked up her fucking toast.
I was like I don't know.
Did you get the two confused?
That bad.
It's like they're both spicy.
And when you look down at her fucking hand you see the fucking toast right and there's
a fucking bite out of it.
You're like oh damn.
She's like oh I've got that fucking chunk of chili powder.
She's like this doesn't taste right.
She'll learn to at least.
She'll learn never to let her father cook for her.
Exactly.
Alright so let's see here.
Little did I know that I put way too much.
Also the chili flakes were spicier than I thought they would be.
And I'm also dealing with a canker sore so that's fun.
God dang.
Great.
She's going through it huh?
I have high spice tolerance but even I can get a little too confident about it.
Anyway I started to eat my pasta and it tastes delicious but I can barely eat it because
my mouth is on fire.
Also it's 11pm at this point.
I eat at weird times.
So I ultimately decided to order in some late night McDonald's to curb my hunger.
After the pasta.
Fucking what is it what are they called?
The people that deliver food?
The Door Dash?
Yeah Door Dash?
Yeah.
At 11 o'clock I'd be like at 11 o'clock I'm a fucking McBang you want a Big Mac?
With large fries and a diet coke at 11 o'clock at night.
Damn.
Alright so I'd be that guy that would just be making that money.
Yeah.
Midnight 1 o'clock I'll get paid.
As for the pasta.
I hate wasting food so I put the rest of it into the fridge and I'll eat the rest of it
whenever it's cold tomorrow and we'll see if that helps tone down the heat a bit.
After all I wanted some heat but not a mouth full of lava.
Yeah that'll stop the heat.
How the fuck is still in there?
What do you mean the cold?
That's not gonna stop shit.
The spice is still in there.
It'd be like saying yep the hot Cheetos are gonna get less hot after I put them in the
fridge.
You know how insane Mexican food cuisine is?
They have ice cream that's spicy.
Yes I know.
Does that not ice cream?
Yes.
That's sweet.
Yes.
They have beer that's spicy what are you talking about?
That was what we do man.
Chilala?
You gotta come into this game you gotta be ready for everything.
You gotta be waiting for that asshole to be burning the night.
Our candy is spicy our freaking ice cream is spicy.
Look at that.
Look at the lettuce spice.
I stay thirsty my friends.
Literally that's why they have the suckies.
But man that spicy fucking ice cream tastes good so you know it hits the spot sometimes.
Is it mango spice?
Yes.
See?
It's fucking delicious.
I've seen that they sell it at Costco.
Yep give it a try man.
Next one is by let's see Pokésatsu96.
Spurs and Puts.
More than 96 I'm guessing.
For context I'm a very hairy man and have been a bit insecure about my body.
Welcome to the damn club bro.
God damn Wolverine without a shirt on.
You're in the complex of Wolverine with no shit fucking hairiest motherfucker.
He doesn't look like you Jackman.
I also have a tendency to involuntary twitch.
I don't think it's Tourette's but I've never been tested for it before.
Anyway I've been reading online that some men feel more confident after manscaping their
nether regions so I think you all see where this is going.
It looks weird as fuck when I did it.
I'm like damn what the hell.
I've been shaving and trimming my beard with a beard trimmer that I have also used to trim
my head whenever my hair gets too long.
I thought to myself if it works for my hair and beard I don't see why it wouldn't work
for what I'm going to do down under.
So up here right is a regular forest in America.
Down there my friend is the fucking Amazon rainforest.
It is way stronger.
Those hairs are a little shorter.
So I take my pair of trimming scissors I use for my beard and I was being extremely careful
whenever cutting the hair length down there so it's easier to shave it off.
After I was done I used my electric trimmer.
Well my body decided this seems like a perfect time for a twitch.
And I ended up accidentally cutting my hot dog.
Ouch that would hurt.
I painted it one time with a razor with that though the electric razor.
I never shaved again.
And I ended up accidentally cutting my hot dog.
Thankfully I didn't hit a vein but was left with a stinging pain needless to say I'm going
to buy a proper tools for the next time I decide to trim the hair downstairs.
Because you use the hair trimming ones.
They make specialty ones for a reason.
Manscaping.
Yes.
Manscape.
Can we have a sponsor's sponsorship?
I'm going to shave every inch of my fucking body from neck down.
They'll film it all for OnlyFans for you.
As long as you give us the money.
Alright next one is by Mr. Dream Thief.
It's a person Pits.
I've been seeing this woman for a few months now.
At our age, middle years, it's more about learning about each other, understanding each
other's past and predilections rather than the bounce and the tickle.
Why are you too boring?
The bounce and the tickle is the foundation of a good relationship.
When the sex is bad I can guarantee it seeps into the rest of your life.
It's been a learning process for both of us because we both own our own homes.
My kids are all gone and her eldest moved out a few weeks ago.
He means middle aged middle aged.
Middle aged middle aged.
Probably like 50s.
Yeah.
She has a daughter at home who needs special care.
We've been enjoying the journey so far.
To help out I do handyman chores that she can't do.
She's a wisp of a woman barely 90 pounds soaking wet but she has a big home with a
lot of fucking phrase.
Soaking wet.
I just shut the fuck up.
There are certain phrases like after a while they just grind into me and I can't anymore.
That's one of them.
Yeah like soaking wet.
I got to just.
I don't know why.
It's just so like I don't know like stereotypical.
What's the word like just.
Common.
Yeah like it just like just fucking drives me crazy.
But she has a big home with a lot of little chores to keep her busy on Saturday morning
and early afternoon.
When she comes to my place we play cards cook watch movies and enjoy our enjoy my gardens.
Today my garden's not garden.
I'm like garden.
I got 17 gardens.
He's rich.
He's got gardens.
He had the s to it and so.
Today however maybe the last time she ever has me over at her place.
With her son gone she asked me to remove the air conditioner unit from the window in his
room to the wall.
I told her it wouldn't be a problem.
The room was on the second floor of her house and she stayed on the porch drinking coffee
while her daughter and I checked out the AC unit.
It was small about 30 pounds and would be easy to take out of the window.
I pulled off the insulation surrounding it and tried to pull it out but there was a screw
holding the L bracket on the side that the son had installed.
So that way it doesn't fall out.
Common sense tells you that.
Thinking it was just a safety precaution I got my screw gun.
Just a drill.
And the screw came out easily.
As it fell to the floor.
Fuck it fell.
I thought it would fall backwards.
As the screw fell to the floor the AC unit fell out the window.
Okay it did fall backwards.
Trailing his power cord with it.
Uh oh.
It fell to the roof of the porch below with a rather unsatisfying sound of noise and screaming
by the little girl.
Uh oh.
My friend screamed as well and she said curses I hadn't heard since breaking up a fight between
a couple of drunk teamsters.
Of course I'll pay for the damage repair and buy her a new air conditioner but she is still
pretty mad at me at this point.
You know accidents happen.
Well I guess it's only been four months.
That's her first comment.
Maybe it's time to try a little bit more of the old bounce and tickle.
Uh yeah.
If you don't know how to really do handyman stuff don't try it.
Wonder why she reacted so unfavorably.
Felt her a wreck.
Yeah but I mean like no one got hurt.
Like if I don't understand like if like the kid like got fucking smashed.
He doesn't say if Riot did though.
Like he's just like oh I just felt like material stuff like I'd be like ah well fuck this.
Like if I came outside and like my my current girlfriend actually broke my fucking car window
like god dang.
But I wouldn't be like what the fuck is wrong with you.
Shit happens.
Yeah you just have to prepare for it.
If you can fix it you'll be alright you can't fix the fucking body if it's beyond repair.
Yeah.
And you can't replace a person either.
No.
So I'd be like I'd be like if if it was the reverse right and the girl was the handy person.
Yeah.
And she fucking dropped my fucking AC to the fucking ceiling.
Like oh shit.
And if I killed my cat it'd be a whole different story.
Like what the fuck.
Get the fuck out of my house.
But if it just smashed like we just went to the roof.
And be like well shit happens.
Yeah can't really do much.
It's happened already.
Time to pull out that fan from the fucking attic.
It's gonna be real hot in this motherfucker.
On a hundred and two.
I get my AC bought a new AC bought.
All right next one is by the outsider 711.
No my daddy tried to fucking repair that AC and that shit will blow up in a fucking house.
It's like it's fixed it.
It fixed it how.
Old man it went it felt three stories.
Fixed it how.
It works.
It just blows up in his face.
All right this person puts.
I woke up early with my wife this morning to see her off to work.
She works weekends so I have a lot of time alone and decided I would experiment a little.
The look on her face like oh shit.
Like fucking jack off.
Well we have experimented with sounding.
The fuck is sounding.
Shit I don't want to hear anymore.
I don't want to learn anymore than weird shit.
I'm inserting objects into my urethra.
And that was it for dreaded today everybody.
We'll see you on the next one.
And I recently purchased a box of these silicone sensory toys that are these brightly colored
silicone noodles.
They were not designed to be sex toys.
They were about 12 inches long.
Can I tell you whether it's a will or a way.
Welcome to human injury.
If I can find a way to fuck it I will.
They were about 12 inches long and maybe five sixteenths of an inch thick.
Really stretchy and soft I thought hell I bet these will feel interesting.
Hell.
So I tried it out.
Long story short the noodle was long enough to breach my bladder.
Which is fine.
Then I started losing my erection and it caused to slide it deeper in until I couldn't grab
it and it completely disappeared.
I tried to bid to massage it out but it kept going further until I couldn't feel it at
all anymore.
Panic set in a bit and I went to see if I could still pee.
All was well.
Decided to bang one out for science.
And came just fine.
Okay the thing has got to be in my bladder.
I spent the next hour thinking things through.
Googling it and concluded that I had to go to the ER.
Text my wife and explain what happened.
Hey hun I gotta go to the doctor.
So I had this thing and I shoved it all the way up my pee hole.
That bitch is gone.
So I gotta go to the ER.
About two hours later we were at the ER.
My wife was great and did most of the talking.
I was pretty embarrassed and tripped over my words so it was nice letting her get the
ball rolling.
Overall everyone was really nice.
They treated me respectfully and only had a few questions about the why and how.
The why and how.
You know the fucking why.
You can guess the how.
Ended up having a urologist go in with a cystoscope and pulled it out.
It was actually not bad all things considered.
Anyways if you ever plan to do something in your body.
Plan to put something in your body.
Make sure it can't get stuck in or sucked in.
Pretty basic.
And then the first comment.
First comment.
This is a sign for me to get back to work now.
I've seen enough from Reddit.
What?
How big is his fucking pee hole?
He must have stretched that motherfucker out enough that he can just comfortably pull shit
out and put it in.
Cause I would be fucking screaming.
I think I pulled it into my pee hole and it had to be yanked out.
And he's like it's no big deal man.
I put shit up there all the time.
I put all my fucking loose change up there.
The second comment is.
The trick is to keep it about three inches wrapped around your finger and for added fun
yank it out like you're starting a lawn mower.
What the fuck.
What level do you reach in your own body that you get bored of the fucking just regular
might as well just start shoving shit up my pee hole.
What the fuck are you talking about?
See this is the most you've been fucked up since consensual and non-consent.
I don't understand why.
You don't want to do this?
Why?
What is the sexual gratification of shoving shit up my own pee hole?
It's not designed as a hole to be entered.
No.
I mean you could ask the boys.
Then they get an asses in but people want to do anal.
But I mean a pee hole is different than an asshole cause it's fucking minuscule.
Yeah.
Remember on the boys.
The guy that shrunk down.
Yeah.
Go to the you know get to the prostate.
Yeah.
I don't understand it either but you know.
Alright next one is by Ok Chemist 8162.
This person puts.
I a 26 year old male feel horrible about something that happened this evening.
Walked into a small stall to buy a packaging bag for some goods.
I had in my hands and the shopkeeper probably in her 40s was breastfeeding openly while
chatting with another group of people.
Mostly women.
I saw her look at me in the eyes and cover herself up before getting me the packaging
bag and that's when I realized the fuck up.
I had glanced at her chest those millisecond long glimpses and she obviously noticed.
Ma'am you have your tits out in public you can't blame me.
On the eye directs her something like unnatural in public.
Yes.
Like if you see something it's where you're gonna fucking like glance to.
Yeah.
I noticed that I did this after I'd already done it and it happened like an instinct.
I feel horrible but apologizing wasn't really an option.
It would only make things more awkward especially since there were a few other people in the
stall.
Not sure what to do with myself.
First comment though.
You did nothing wrong mate.
Don't feel bad.
You didn't go stare at.
You know they're from Australia.
Hey mate.
Don't feel bad.
You didn't go staring or anything of the sort.
She's fine to cover up her if she wants to but she's the one that had her boobs out.
That's what everybody put on here too.
It's not your fault.
It's not your what is it.
What is he fucking Robert Williams in Good Will Hunting?
It's not your fault.
Then seriously dude you're a heterosexual male you're gonna look.
It's bare boobs.
What if he's like what if it's like no I'm actually homosexual.
Oh never mind then.
That doesn't work then.
But it does work because it's something like if someone's ball was hanging out of their
foot.
You would notice.
Yeah you'd be like oh shit.
I saw that at the Olympics.
Right when his fucking dick glanced off the fucking pole.
I know that and then during that opening performance.
That one guy.
The ball was just hanging out.
Yeah people noticed.
He didn't notice.
He didn't but other people did.
He noticed the fucking breeze.
He's like oh damn it's kind of chilly out here.
And last one for today is by Flaccid Sheepdog.
Weird.
His first place.
I know.
My girlfriend and I made some jalapeno poppers and game day food the other day.
The poppers were wrapped with bacon which means they were super greasy.
Well we brought them up to our room because she lives with roommates and started eating
them while the game was still going on.
I used napkins to wipe our hands between bites and wasn't sloppy but there must have been
some jalapeno juice on my hands when one thing led to another and I started fingering her.
She said she felt it right away but tried to power through.
She tried to pally a fucking trooper.
But whenever we started having sex it really started to burn so we stopped and she took
a shower.
Killed the mood but it's a nice story to tell our kids one day.
No no it's not.
I figured your mama and you know.
I hope he's being joking there.
I want to be honest with all my children.
Here's what I'm gonna tell them.
Very fucking horrible decision I've ever made.
Well your choice.
And then the first comment is quotes.
I killed the mood but it's a nice story to tell our kids one day.
What story?
TLDR.
I started playing jalapeno poppers with my girlfriend and started fingering her but her
vagina started to burn so we had to stop.
I'm sure that's a story though Treasure.
Also you said girlfriend.
You know we don't know if you're getting married.
Exactly.
You're gonna tell them the story of a strange woman you had once?
Exactly.
What your mother?
Yeah before I met your mama you know I fingered a girl with jalapeno fingers.
I was like well shit.
And now you're gonna be ruined by the new thing that you've learned sounding.
Not really.
I just get over stuff quick.
Consensual non-consent?
That one had you fucked up for a few weeks.
Hmm just what a lot of stuff does but it's just it adds to my fucking reservoir of fucking
knowledge I've acquired for no reason.
That you don't want to learn.
And this is all from reddit people.
I think put it on four and uh forbidden knowledge and put it in the back of my head.
Yeah.
Things you don't want to learn in the future.
I wonder why it's called sounding.
Because usually it's with metal rods I think.
Where it's ding.
And all he did was rub it.
The vibrations.
And then for him to say it made it to my bladder which is okay.
He was like huh?
He was so fucking chill about all of it.
I know.
And I finally cut my dick open and grabbed it.
There it is.
And then I kept massaging it and it kept going farther up.
Like bro what are you doing?
And it didn't block anything which is crazy.
He pissed and he came at both just fine.
Weird.
My guess is it made it all the way into the bladder.
Just fucking sat to one side.
I guess this is my new home now.
Somebody put on their yeast infections.
All these exclamation marks on it.
Crazy.
People are wild.
Yep.
So now everybody knows a new thing.
And with that anything else dad?
No more than we do.
Like that was sounding shit.
I did that when I was seven years old.
Now I'm 45.
I'm way deeper into weird stuff.
People are getting into some weird weird shit now.
Maybe not.
Maybe it's always been like that.
It's just more excessively known because of the fact.
It used to be called a fetish.
Now it's just out there.
This is just an everyday thing.
Yeah.
Like eating ass is standard now.
But it used to not be.
Maybe it was.
We don't know.
Because we don't know.
Like I don't think human nature changes as much as technology does.
But now that we have access to ways of talking to each other.
Now people don't consider it to be weird like they would have at one point.
That's my point.
It used to be like taboo to do certain things.
Now it's like everybody does it.
It ain't taboo no more.
Eating ass.
St. Paul has been eating ass.
We just have access to you know areas to discuss it.
Anything else dad before we hit out tonight?
I don't know.
I'm pretty much tapped out right now.
And with that we will see.
I've got a lot to think about.
And we will see you guys on the next one.