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Let's go ahead and get started.
Guess what?
We're back.
We had quite the hiatus, but we're back again.
Just like Herpes.
We cycled back into your life at the least expected times.
At the worst possible time.
Graduation photos.
All right, so I'm going to start with a personal, well, I guess all I have right now is a personal
story for my, I forgot how we did this actually.
Segment.
Yeah, my segment.
So instead of like some movie or The Wise Kids You Know, which will be next week, I
have a story because of the fucking Canelo fight on fucking Mexican Independence Day
that I went to go watch at my cousin's house and the absolute fucking atrocious tribulations,
I guess.
Is that a good word to say?
Trials and tribulations I suffered to get there, to get to a fucking fight.
This is your underground railroad.
Maybe not that bad.
So it started as funnier for this.
So basically it started as a normal day.
I had to wake up early and go to work and open the store at nine.
I bumped up the management, so I'm no longer a cashier.
So hooray for me, I guess.
It's also the reason why we haven't been.
And so I just ran the store and I was going to be off at 430, you know, my eight hour
shift and it didn't happen that way at all.
Not only did it not happen.
Okay, so I had to leave at 430.
That's when I was supposed to leave.
But also I need to get to the south side and pick up my cousin at the flea market because
he was there taking care of the place by himself and he doesn't have a car at the moment.
So I'm basically his chauffeur all over the fucking south side.
I'm like an Uber, but like a Mexican Uber.
So hombre, hombre.
And so I'm like, okay, I need to leave at 430 because it takes me like an hour to get
to the flea market from where I'm at.
So if I get out at five, because I still have to do all this stuff in the office and then
I can leave.
So I'm like, all right, if I leave at five, I can get to him like at 550.
And then we just go straight to my cousin's house, our cousin's house, and we can watch
the fight, the Canelo fight.
And they have all this food, right?
And for some reason, no one came to relieve me, no other manager.
And I'm like, it's fucking, you know, 533.
And I'm like, I started free.
I was like, okay, I gotta go pick up my cousin, right?
I told him, can he wait until 630?
He's like, if I have to.
Freaking, watching him sit at the curb of the street with the shops closed and he just
sit on the sidewalk and he's just sitting there like, oh, well, okay, I guess he's coming
one day.
And so the time just keeps rolling and rolling.
And I'm like, okay.
So then I had to call my cousin because it was like 610.
I was like, I don't think I'm going to make it.
So I called him at 610 and I'm like, you might have to find a ride because I can't get out
of here for some reason.
He's like, thanks for fucking up.
It's his family, right?
I guess I better walk the 20 miles to my house.
You're not going to ride, you should watch your friends who lie in sacca.
And so it's fucking the time keeps rolling on.
I'm like, okay, if I can't make it to the fucking pick up my cousin, can I at least
make it to the beginning of the fight?
Right?
So I'm like, okay.
And then it's like, fuck it's 645.
And I'm like, you guys had to be fucking kidding me.
So the time just keeps fucking rolling.
Yeah.
And now it's like fucking 715 and I'm fucking flipped out in the office.
I punched the desk.
I was so mad.
I had to fucking, I guess, redrift my aggression somewhere.
So then I fucking sent a scathing text message to the group chat, our like our sore group
chat.
I'm like, well, I didn't say anything too bad, but I was just saying how upset I was.
I told them, I may have lied and said to my cousin, I had to walk home.
He didn't really have to walk.
No, I had a responsibility to pick up my family.
You ruined my whole day and all this and that.
And I just said all that.
And if I'm expecting to come in on my time when my schedule's up, I expect someone to
come in on their time when their schedule comes up.
Or at least be able to notify.
I'm fucking flipping out.
I'm people in the group chat.
Yeah.
So then everybody, and then all of a sudden everybody starts calling me and I'm fucking
hanging up on their phones.
They're starting to strike the voicemail.
I'm so fucking angry.
So then it gets to 8 fucking 30 and I'm like, wow, I've been here for 12 fucking hours.
And here's one, another problem was that I was so excited that I thought I was going
to get off early.
Like I can hold my hunger until 4 sometimes, right?
But I had not eaten since 7 a.m. that morning.
So that was just like, and for some reason I didn't feel it at all the entire time.
And eventually I get a phone call and he's like, well, we got two options.
We can get this guy from another store to come in, right?
But he's like, he said the bus broke down at McDonald's.
So he's not going to be able to.
Then he wants me to come pick him up in El Reno.
And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
So you're going to go pick up some random guy from another store.
At 830 in the evening.
Right.
And we close at 10.
Right.
So I started having like a fucking like and the other option is to just, you know, you
stay the extra hour and a half and then, or I guess, I guess it would be like, would it
be an hour?
Yeah.
An hour and a half.
And then, you know, and I'm fine.
But here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to close this fucking store down.
But I want her to jack shit from anyway.
You lose everyone lose my fucking numbers.
You want to go?
That's how fucking mad I was.
No one fucking speak to me for the rest of this fucking weekend.
So I was going to fucking stay there.
And then all of a sudden someone showed up at 840.
The person I fucking scolded, the one that told me like, you got two options.
You get this guy from because he didn't want to go pick up the guy, which I don't blame
him.
The guy was acting shady.
Not only was the guy, the car broke down, his phone wasn't working.
So he was giving my coworker kept getting random phone calls from random numbers.
That was a guy because he was borrowing everyone's phone and fucking bus stop.
So he left him there.
Right.
Yeah.
And he come to find out that he wanted him to pick him up.
And he also had his bike with him, his bicycle, and it would not fit in his tiny car.
So it would have been a terrible situation.
And the icing on cake to that situation was the guy that he didn't pick up was so mad
he blocked his number.
And I'm like, what's that going to do to you, bro?
He doesn't think I'm going to affect him at all.
No.
So I'm like, finally I get to leave.
So I leave like at 845 and I am fucking pissed.
And I make it to my cousin's house, but I forgot where he lives.
So I got lost.
So I call him up and I'm like, where are you?
Like the most ghettoest of ghettos.
Looking for this fucking house.
And I kid you not, I think I went up the one street, right?
Yeah.
I skipped history, went up the other street.
So I went around his house without even noticing.
So I finally make it to his house.
I'm like, finally, where do I park?
Because there's cars everywhere.
Yeah.
I park and I park so bad that my cousin has to come out there and repark my car for me
because I'm a shit driver.
We go in, right?
There's fucking pizza.
I'm eating a shitload of pizza.
There's pozole.
If you know what that is, I'm eating that too.
It's like a soup with hominy seeds and or hominy peas, I guess, or what are they called?
Hominy corn?
Yes.
Yeah.
You know, you got some beef in it.
It's a green stew.
It's delicious.
And I'm eating all that, right?
We're watching the fights.
We're all having a good time.
And like my stomach just gets tight.
And like the Canelo fight is starting, right?
So I'm like trying to like and I had just drank not only did I eat the like five pieces
of pizza, a bowl of pozole, I drank two bottles of water.
And I'm like, I can't get comfortable in the fucking seat because I feel like I'm leaning
but like my stomach is getting pressed on real fucking hard.
So I fucking stand up.
My cousin's like, you good bro?
And I'm like, I'm fine.
I walk to the back and I fucking vomit all over the fucking backyard.
I'm like fucking I just blew chunks everywhere.
Like because like here's the water bro.
Take the water.
It's so fucking lemon squeezes in your fucking eyeball.
The randomest fucking Mexican remedies.
I think just full lime up your asshole.
I have this fucking blowing chunks like all the pizza I had, the soup and at first it
was those dry heaves.
Oh, and you feel it like the piece of pizza like slide back out your mouth and in like
crumbs.
But it was funny because like when I leaned over when I went to the backyard, I was like
I was just like I looked up at the sky and just let it go.
I looked up at the sky and I'm just like just let it go.
And I'm like because I didn't want to fight the vomit, you know, it's like that single
tear coming down your face like fuck because a lot of people like I can't throw up.
I can't I'm just like I'm just like just let this shit go.
You can't hold it like that.
I'm just like not unless you're standing in the middle of a group of people then it's
like okay, I'm going to try to fight this.
I was in the middle of a group of people.
I'm at like inside like indoors.
I wasn't there.
I vomit in his bedroom actually.
Now we were outside.
We had put up the projector and put up a screen and we watched the fight on a big ass screen
with no fucking volume because he couldn't get the fucking speaker to work.
It was quiet as hell.
And some motherfucker was mowing his lawn next to us because I guess he was mad at the
noise.
And then like we get barely enough to hear a lot more of that one.
About late at night.
Yeah, it was like 11 o'clock at night.
But it was our fucking screen the fucking speakers when we got it to work was so fucking
loud.
That's all you could hear.
Yeah.
For like fucking I think it was so loud that the fucking cops came and they watched the
fight through the helicopter because you can see it from the angle.
That fucking helicopter that fucking police chopper was fucking going back and forth all
over the fucking streets.
Yeah.
So after I threw up I'm like you think like oh it's done you know Canelo wins the fight.
He was five foot seven.
The guy was six foot two but he still beat his ass because he's just a better fighter.
Yeah.
I'm like I guess I can take you home cousin.
He's like bet.
So but they wanted us to the UFC fight the Shane Mo the shuttle Malley fight which was
apparently a snore fest.
So we saved time there because I was fucking exhausted.
I was starving.
Here's here's here's here's how you get through a bad day.
Pick something right.
Something simple.
And then if you can get to that simple thing at the end of your day you'll make it.
When I when I after I finished throwing up after the fight as exhausted I was I had to
drop drop off my cousin back to the south side all the way back to the south side.
The one thing I never stopped thinking about was if I could just get home and eat this
fucking orange I had on the counter.
Everything is going to be OK.
That's all I was I just want to go home and eat my fucking orange and that's all I wanted
to do.
So we leave and there's just it was fucking Mexican Independence weekend.
There was fucking crowds everywhere on the south side.
I'm like God dang fucking fucking Mexican flags on hoods of cars for the flags on the
bed of the fucking trucks fucking flapping in the wind.
I'm like Jesus Christ.
There was just so much fucking like chaos on the streets right.
And there was people walking everywhere with no fucking blinkers no fucking indicators no
nothing.
Ironically the next morning there was a black guy in the middle of street break dancing
with no shirt on.
Like he was just fucking tweaked the fuck out right down the street from my cousin's
house like he was just fucking like bam bam bam and just fucking you know those fucking
like just dance moves or whatever.
You know doing that doing the pop lock.
Basically yeah with no fucking belt and his pants kept dropping so he had it his belt
he had it was on his pants with one hand no shirt on and just fucking popping and locking.
Anyway so back to that night I dropped him off at his house.
There's a guy in the middle of the fucking street fixing his fucking bike.
There's one other guy that has a bike with a fucking wagon attached to the end of it.
Yes.
Okay so I'm like bro what the fuck you doing?
So I fucking drop my cousin off I leave as I'm leaving right the guy's like flipping
back over his bike and his wagon because he finally fixed it.
And on the right side of him to my right of the street there's two people riding their
bikes down that side with barely any blinkers on.
I didn't see him until the last second.
I'm like what the fuck is that shadow moving?
Like there's two people riding their bikes back down the street.
So I get off the I guess the neighborhood under the main street and I get down all the
way to the fucking and I'm just like this is it I'm fucking done.
This better be the last of this bullshit.
And I'm driving and I'm close to home right and this fucking homeless guy that I did not
see I kid you not I did not see him until I almost fucking killed him.
He was standing in the middle of the fucking street right underneath a tree with nothing
on right.
It's probably black as night.
So it was even darker in that one fucking shade spot right there where like the moon
was not hitting him.
Yeah.
And he was fucking I guess he just taking a shit on the sidewalk.
He was fucking pulling his pants up.
I don't know what the fuck he was doing but I barely saw him and I fucking swerved to
the left.
I had swerved so hard into the other car's lane if there had been a car there I would
have fucking smashed into that car.
Yeah.
I almost wanted to stop the car.
I fucking pulled my window and I'd be like are you fucking that's how that's the that
was my limit right there.
I was like are you fucking stupid.
Like he was just standing in the middle of the fucking street.
All his shit was on the ground right.
Yeah.
Fucking pulling his pants after he fucking finished jerking off.
I don't know what the fuck he was doing.
Like who the fuck sits and stands in the middle of the street in the blackest spot of that
fucking street.
They always do that though.
That was the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my fucking life.
If I because I was so fucking geared into not hitting him.
Yeah.
Had I had more forethought I would have honked my horn loud as fuck on him.
Yeah.
Just to fucking wake his dumb ass up or something.
But I had to stop at the end of the street right and I know a crazy motherfucker like
are you hooking and making any fucking run to my car.
So I'd have to back up and run over him anyway.
So either way I would have had to kill him.
Homicide either way.
Not homicide.
Manslaughter.
If he's fucking running at me I'm gonna run his ass over.
I'm gonna have to have manslaughter.
We'll go with that.
Not manslaughter.
Just different degrees depending on which order it actually happened in.
It wasn't premeditated.
But man I got home and I ate my orange and I went to bed.
So you actually got your orange?
Yes.
I was waiting for you to say I got home and the orange was just.
Shit was just fucking gone.
It was hollow on the inside.
It was dry.
That was the only good thing that happened that fucking day.
The orange.
Fucking hell man.
It's like you planned something right and just fake as fuck that it shoves a fist up
your ass.
Yeah.
And then the arm to the shoulder?
Geez I was like this can't keep fucking.
How is this like you just can't fucking compounding.
I was just trapped in Murphy's law all fucking day long.
You know that is one thing I do not miss about retail in any way shape or form.
Is having to rely on other people to come in.
Yeah just for you to go home.
Yeah.
It's fucking ridiculous.
I mean whenever I worked with a.
Whenever I worked at a car parts place.
Happened all the time.
Where you know you'd be there at seven o'clock in the morning which I don't mind coming in
early it's not that big of a deal for me.
But then hey.
So and so is not coming in.
Can we get you to work till close?
It's like I'm not even making enough for it to make a difference at this point.
What time do they close?
Ten.
Jesus fucks from seven to ten?
Yeah.
She's like what 13 hours?
Yeah you're stepping all the time.
I didn't mean like.
Hey where my employment right now I come in at six o'clock and get off at six or six thirty
every day.
There you go.
I get my four hours of sleep.
I don't think I can survive.
Well I have four.
I don't think I can survive four hours.
Every day.
See that's the challenge for everybody.
Four and a half hours of sleep every single day.
You go to bed at 12 get up at 430.
Yeah when you shoot up the fucking post office.
Let us know.
Because you fucking started having hallucinations of a dog telling you we gotta shoot the post
office.
You know the son of Sam you listen to his dog.
What the fuck.
Like if it just like just ringing in your ear.
Your dog talking I guess that would be insane.
Your dog just started talking to you.
Yeah.
Hey man what's up you gotta shoot the post office.
I will say though that there has been a shooting at the place that I've worked at that I do
work at not at our place but in the country.
It has happened before.
Shit I shoot the post office man.
I don't know why you sound like a fucking stoner.
Hey man I'm your dog man.
Hey man.
Just gonna play fidget man.
Catch the ball man.
Then you shoot the post office.
Is that right man?
I'm like what?
Go back real quick.
We go for a walk you know.
Give me a bad shoot the post office and then we gonna take a nap.
What?
Stop for the first two ways.
The third one.
What's the third?
With me?
What's it mean?
No they put up at my place where they put up parking lot monitors.
So it's these giant solar powered camera systems that have like scrolling text across
it where it's like parking lot surveillance.
It's like fucking Robocop level shit.
We always see you.
Oh man but yeah it was a fucking day I had.
It was trials and tribulations.
Trials and tribulations.
Now what was the moral that you learned at the end of the day?
Eat food throughout the day.
Don't wait.
You will vomit if you eat too much at once.
Don't eat soup.
Don't eat five pieces of pizza.
Drink two bottles of water and a fucking bowl of soup or you'll fucking blow that shit out
your fucking mouth.
It's all because you didn't think that you were hungry all day and then.
That was weird yeah like I was just working all day and I was like man I can't believe
I'm not hungry yet.
And then you know shit just hit me.
But just people not like I don't know if it's if you've noticed it too but for me even
it's an issue now where just people don't want to fucking come and do their damn jobs.
It's not a hard like my job is not necessarily the hardest job in the world but like fucking
come into work like I don't feel like it today.
I've never had that mentality of like I just can't do it today.
I don't want to do it.
I've had like what were you like you started screaming in your oh.
Then you go right into work.
But you go into work still.
He felt the difference.
I don't know like it's getting worse and worse and worse.
Retail has always had a problem with it.
Retail is just retail.
It's just kind of just slowly went off.
It's one of those societal front lines where you're just in the constant state of dealing
with on the entire spectrum of humanity.
I'm like God dang what fresh hell today.
But the one thing I will recommend never ever ask what else could go wrong because don't
ever say like real quiet today.
Then the fucking horn from the walking den will come in.
But if you ever like that's a lesson to anybody ever listening or anything don't ever ever
ever ask what else could go wrong because the universe will show you you know what.
Yeah the fuck I shut the computers off and then I got to fucking somehow tell every customer
they got to leave the store till we reach till when I fix it and they almost fucking
lynch you.
I'm just pacing the fucking front store with pickaxes and torches like my God.
Fucking got to get my fucking cashiers M1 Garanz from World War II.
Hold this fucking line and they'll get through till we fucking fix this computer.
Calling the Abrams tank to come and defend it.
Fucking cashiers all of a sudden dressed up in World War II uniforms.
Sweating buckets.
Six thousand fucking customers outside it's like they're getting ready to storm the beach
in Normandy.
Or hold the beach like they can not.
That's what I'm saying.
Oh God.
That's what I'm saying the customers are getting ready to storm the beach.
We got to hold the line.
Might not be the best thing to be fucking preaching Hitler stuff.
It's still funny regardless.
It is still funny.
Imagine being all you have to do is replace the retail store with that with the beaches
of Normandy and they're getting ready to storm it.
Say my God.
Fuckin me and one cashier and like fucking six thousand customers.
That's my point though where they take you by surprise.
It's like now you know how the Germans sold.
It's the same level of like oh fuck.
I guess like you relate well no not really I guess not really relatable not morally relatable
no but like just the sheer panic like fuck.
And just like my I hate when they come in and they try to rip the door open like ten
minutes before the store opens.
Yeah they look around like what the hell and then they see like oh no they see when we
open.
They never understood what the cost of the time for.
It is true though they used to do that where I worked there like when I still worked in
retail where they come in and just shank the doors like no open why.
But they grab the trash can as I'm flinging through the fucking door.
And if we had a employee that closed the night before and you know how those doors they have
the locks that you push up into the top and then at the bottom if somebody forgot to lock
that top one if I got smashed right into it it's like the fucking door.
Well when they go to the pool on the two doors you see the top part bend a little bit it's
like oh damn.
Uh oh.
It's like they're breaking they're getting ready to break in.
Like squeezes in the gap.
Those old ladies do that shit.
You gotta go close the door and they even talk and they just squeeze in.
The old ladies my god.
They're good at it.
They're good at just being like shoppers I guess.
Yeah.
They'll be there like fucking 8.59 ripping the door off the hinges.
I got shit to do.
And god forbid you open it at like 8.01.
They're knocking on the door real hard and stuff.
Like a minute late my guy you get a call from the fucking corporate.
Hi this is the CEO.
What's going on?
Your store's so close I see.
That fucking huge fucking wall monitor of like doors with green lights and the ones
that are red are the ones that are closed and he fucking presses the button and calls
them.
Yeah weird ass CEO.
Then we're probably getting to that point.
That door's that store's not opened.
Here give me the central time please.
Give me 3.901.
My god.
He fucking rings the fucking store phone.
What the fuck's going on?
Imagine like Mickey calling you.
Like I'm dizzy.
What the fuck you been doing?
I hit some buttons and the phone blows up in my hand.
Replace them with this clone.
We have a clone when they sign the contract to work for us.
You signed the employee handbook.
They took your DNA off of it and replicated you.
That's why they need to scrape my ass off.
Weird.
I wondered why they needed to see it.
This needs an odd one.
Oh man.
So yeah that was my story for a while.
Next week is episode, season 3, episode 6 through 10.
The whitest kid you know?
The whitest kid you know.
See why you were going through all that kind of stuff.
I hear I was enjoying myself in Chicago and Indianapolis.
I was here fighting a good fight.
Trying to hold the fucking white walkers in bay.
That's bad.
That is what it is.
I feel like the more, like if it stays calm right like your entire career.
The minute one snag happens you're like.
You panic basically.
You fucking douse yourself in gasoline.
You fucking light yourself.
And you light yourself.
But when it just happens all the fucking time you're like well.
Yeah well see that's the one thing I do recommend that I think that everybody should have to
work a retail job for at least a year.
Just to become accustomed to stress and panic.
And just like how to deal with people.
Yes that would be like if that became a requirement that you have to work in retail at some point
in your career.
Remember this woman came up to the, she called me at the threshold of the back room.
And she's like excuse me I'm looking for this item and she had an item in her hand.
Could you look in the back and see if you can find it.
And we both turned right.
And just all fucking mounted.
It's like well I can look but it might take me a few days.
And she's like well never mind.
It's just boxes stacked up high.
It was funny because she said like do you happen to know if you have this in the back.
And like because I turned and I was like well.
And I just look over the fucking.
It was like a fucking movie scene because it was perfectly timed.
Yeah.
And I just look at this item and I just turn and I'm like wow.
And it's like you can hear like.
It's like a fucking Grand Canyon of fucking.
Did you see the wind whistle on around.
Yeah I was like gosh.
It's like well never mind.
Give me five minutes man.
I can jump into them.
And eventually you almost get to that point that where it's like oh yeah it's right over
there.
It's like you just see it.
It's like that far away travel that you got to get to.
Well the easiest way is to work on the truck to unloads.
You just see everything that comes on like you and they're like they're asking like no
we ain't got it.
No we ain't got it.
No.
I got a good memory so if I see something I will remember it.
Yeah.
You happen to have this shampoo from 1947.
Used to tickle my titties.
I really enjoyed it.
It's like I got the brand right here.
Ha ha.
Just start twirling your mustache.
I got your snake oil.
I'm going to chain her to the train tracks.
I see the low rage you would never find you now.
Ah ha.
Oh man.
Well what you got for it?
We do have a couple of things to thank.
I know I promised Independence Reno that I would get Golden Time done and I will put
out a stand alone video for you specifically.
Golden Boy?
Not Golden Boy.
Golden Guy.
They're two totally different kind of animes here.
I'm watching Golden Boy on Crunchyroll.
Golden Boy's a freak.
He's actually pretty tame.
Compared to me.
You gotta look at the comparison.
Compared to you man.
Whenever he's going ahhhhhh.
And then he's got to spit in midair.
Exactly.
Where Golden Time on the other hand is more of a slightly more romance comedy type show.
Romance?
Being Golden Boy?
Loves him some toilets to rub his face on.
Almost as much as your favorite anime of all time?
One Piece?
No.
Oh wait.
Case Closed actually.
No no.
Your other favorite anime.
The one that's standing in a hospital room jerking it.
Oh fucking Neo Genesis Evangelion?
I don't understand that shit man.
I don't know why I keep watching it once a year.
Maybe one day I'll truly understand it.
It's a tradition just to push yourself off.
I think it is.
I don't know what it compels me.
It'd be different if it was like Akira right?
Which is like, consensus-sly good.
Everyone knows it's good.
Everyone's seen it and it's good.
But it's a split anime.
I'm like that asshole that's like, eh shit.
And then one day I finally watch it and I understand.
I've done that with Neo Genesis and I'm like it's still fucking garbage.
I feel like the guy that wrote it was like, my god.
He thought his whole body was on fire as he wrote it.
And I'm just like, bro this is the dumbest shit.
One of those guys is so grandiose and he's like in his own fucking genius.
He's like, it's just so good.
He doesn't understand the actual, I don't know.
He just doesn't understand people or how they function.
That's the core of the story is the interactions of people.
And he just like, it doesn't make any, it's just a shy kid and some redhead girl and then
some other bluehead girl.
It's supposed to be his mom that he has a crush on.
It's a clone of his mom and then some other older chick.
I'm like, what are you doing?
Like where's the actual, I see the plot right?
The plot is what you're watching.
It's those angels attacking trying to recover Adam or Eve.
I can't remember what.
That's the plot.
The people don't remember the plot really.
They remember the story.
The story is what is the story?
What is the one thing you're trying to tell me in this story?
Is it a kid trying to overcome the shadow of his father?
Is it a kid trying to gain his father's trust, his love?
Is it a kid trying to, you know, a tradition for purity to adulthood?
What's the story?
And he never told me the story.
Right.
All he told me was that he likes to watch little boys jack off on the little girls in
the hospital.
I'm like, what the fuck is the story?
Because even for a lot of shows like say Digimon, right?
Digimon.
It actually had a plot.
It had a plot, but it also had the story inside of the actual plot.
So you got to know the characters themselves and the way they interacted.
Like you knew Ty and Matt hated each other at the beginning.
They eventually became friends towards the end.
But like there's those interactions that you remember rather than just the overall plot.
Apparently neon Genesis hang out that.
No.
What the fuck they got?
He got stuck in the plot and he forgot the story.
That's why some movies last forever and other ones are fade away.
Yeah, that is true.
He couldn't get the inter human like dynamics.
The relatability of the characters was never there for me.
Yeah.
I can see that there.
That's why it's got everybody split 50 50.
It's literally an anime that is split almost 50 50 on those that approve of it and disapprove
of it.
I don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
That shit makes no fucking sense.
Like think of something grandiose like interstellar and how like the science, the sci fi stuff
was so fucking like profound, right?
But at the end of the day, the story was a father trying to get back to his daughter.
No matter how long it took.
There you go.
That's the father.
I just told you how to tell stories in fucking 30 seconds.
The plot was them trying to save humanity by traveling into space to find some information
that some alien race left them allegedly.
The story was a father trying to get back to his daughter.
Right.
There you go.
I just like don't take any fucking classes and master storytelling.
I just fucking told you a master for fucking free.
I guess if I wrote a fucking story that was a fucking masterpiece, then you'd believe
me.
So I guess I better work on it.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Watch my only fans.
You can find my stories there.
If there's no I wrote the grandest pornography.
And they're like, damn, man, he goes out to tell a fucking story.
Like they don't remember whatever happened.
They just remember the story.
How good the story was.
It's like it's so good that they zip themselves up.
It's like, you know what?
It's a good story.
It's fucking profound.
Wipes himself and wipes his cock off.
He puts his band-sack on.
But not really, because if you're in this context, whatever context you're in, you have
to appeal to that context.
So if it's porn, it has to be pornography.
But it'd still be funny.
I feel like they came for only the story.
Right.
But I guess the story would have to be, well, the human sexuality, I guess.
And how freaky we are in the end of the day.
Which reminds me of P. Diddy.
I guess P. Diddy did it.
I'm trying to tell him something hilarious, but I can't come up with it.
Did you ever see the baby oil thing?
Did you see it?
It's like a thousand gallons or some shit.
Over a thousand bottles?
Jesus Christ, man.
How dry.
For his freak-offs?
I'll try your fucking days-long freak-offs.
I guess Diddy's done.
And they put him in the exact same prison as Epstein.
Watch him fucking hanging from a fucking noose like Epstein was?
Exactly.
No, no, remember Epstein killed himself.
He sure did.
You know, cameras went off, guards were asleep.
He did all that.
Don't worry.
The diddler.
They finally caught the diddler.
There's already people that have made those AI pictures of him with the riddler suit,
but the diddler.
Oh man, what a wild fucking town he'll be living.
Whoever's writing this episode for these shows, my God.
All right, moving into our character spotlights.
We've got three that all have the same name.
This is your character.
It's called Hourman.
Hourman?
Hourman.
They call me the Hourman.
What's our name?
It only lasts an hour and he's never getting back out.
All right, so Hourman is also known as Rick Tyler.
He first appeared in 1985 for the second one anyway.
Okay, I was like, damn, he's younger than I thought, but I thought that was a really
old one.
No, this is his son.
The golden age one doesn't have a whole lot of info, basically.
Oh really?
That's wild.
Like, there's some info about him online, but nobody's ever wrote up like actual research
stuff that I could go through.
Right.
So, Rick Tyler, he was born the child of Rex Tyler, who was the first.
Rick and Rex.
Yes.
Aren't you Rick and Rex?
Yeah, I'm like, wow, he had a fucking great dad.
Who was a successful hero and businessman.
However, Rex wasn't a very good father, something he later admitted and regretted.
Beat the hell out of his son.
One hour to talk.
With our interviews.
One hour on, one hour off.
Oh yeah, you know, I'm going to watch that movie, The Grey Zantini, where he bounces
the baseball off his son's head.
You know, you're going to cry.
You're going to cry.
I'm like, wow, it's more brutal than I thought it was.
Oh really?
Because like you see the parodies, right?
But the real one, you're like, fuck, this guy's a fucking asshole.
So when Rex wasn't spending time with business, he was out doing his superhero work.
As addicted to it as he was to the substance that powered him, Miracle.
Wow, steroids.
This meant that Rick rarely saw his dad, even on his birthdays.
And eventually, Rex wasn't even sure of the age of his son.
How old is your son?
11, 12 and 37.
Oh really?
Damn.
It was no surprise that although Rick would develop into a well balanced team, he was
consistently looking for his father's guidance and approval.
Yet Rex could not see the role model Rick really needed.
And he tried to push Rick's education to his limits, an endeavor that Rick didn't
wish to pursue and he constantly felt inferior to his father.
It's one of those kind of things.
Yeah.
Feeling inferior and everything.
Rick became the second hour man whenever the crisis on infinite earths threatened all of
reality and he used one of his dad's Miracle pills to save the life of Beth Chapel, whom
he grew quite fond of.
His father strongly disapproved of Rick's actions, knowing the addictive effects of
Miracle and tried to prevent Rick from taking up the hour man mantle.
Nonetheless, Rick ended up trying to join a team of other second generation heroes known
as Infinity Inc.
Rex was able to temporarily convince his son not to, although Rick continued to try to
persuade him.
Matters became worse, however, whenever Rex, along with his teammates in the Justice Society
of America, sacrificed themselves to fight eternal Ragnarok in Lumbo.
Oh yeah, we've covered that story before in one of the other characters.
Yeah, with Wildcat.
Wildcat.
I love boxing for the rest of his all the time.
I didn't hear no bell.
We had 6,000 years.
He's still just fighting.
And the other guys were like, damn, God dang, man.
Can't you just need a break?
I was like, nah.
These hands don't need a break.
Well, these hands do need a break.
They need to break some faces.
I didn't tell them.
Instead of like, they don't need an actual like quitting break.
They need to break.
They start shaking, but they don't break.
When North...
I have an addiction actually.
I started going to a factual like psychological.
I never knew my father.
He used to... my mother hated me.
She was a drunk.
He was like, no, I have an addiction.
You know, like you, hour man.
I'm like, what the fuck?
My addiction is breaking.
When the hour man like run out of pills eventually, he would think, well damn, I got no pills.
I'm like, do you fucking shitting out the same capsule?
It's just re-digging it.
Yeah.
So fucked up.
Ew.
When Northwind and Beth Chapel came to tell him of the news, Rick ran away in grief.
Rick ran.
Rick ran?
He was later kidnapped by the new group Justice Unlimited, themselves...
Eventually Rick rolled.
Just dark cook.
Just run anything, Rick.
And he was never going to give you up.
Themselves former members of the Injustice Society used as a hostage against Infinity
Inc.
Rick was able to escape, but in the process, seemingly killed the wizard.
Damn.
Scanned off.
He killed him.
You're going to sock him in the face and kill him.
God dang.
He knocked him out.
Rick had a hard time forgiving himself, although it would later be revealed that the wizard
was in fact still alive.
He came back and gannot the white.
No way.
He got killed right.
Came back and gannot the off white.
It's not true white.
It's off white.
It's your white.
It looks like it's pearl white.
Because every white color, every time you kill him, he comes back with a different white
shade, arctic white.
He's like, God dang.
Every color that you can find a car in, it just comes back with that color.
Rick gave up the hour man identity almost as soon as he assumed it, as he angrily unmasked
himself before a press photographer.
Luckily, Leta was able to prevent the photo from being taken and took Rick away trying
to console him.
Nonetheless, Rick wore his hour man outfit another time to attend the court hearing for
the villain Mr. Bones.
Which is such a stupid man.
Although Rick feared he was just as bad as Bones as well, fearing that the Miracle Obe
Hills had simply worked on an already violent urge whenever he killed the wizard.
Although, eventually though, Rick returned to becoming hour man wearing an outfit similar
to his father's in honor of him.
Shortly afterwards, Infinity Inc.
disbanded.
Eventually, Rex and the rest of the JSA returned from limbo and he and Rick were reunited.
In the meantime, Rick had contracted leukemia due to the prolonged exposure to Miracle Obe.
With the help of Rex's old teammate Johnny Chambers aka Johnny Quick, both Rex and Rick
learned to tap into their superhuman powers without the use of Miracle Obe and instead
using mind focusing techniques.
So the chemicals were there for?
Yeah.
And just dormant?
Apparently, yeah.
Like you could change it by will basically.
It's kinda cool.
It's like, nah you gotta take that pill no more.
It'd be like you know all the people that need Viagra if they just didn't need Viagra
anymore.
They just had a will that has to cock this.
The pills are dormant.
The chemicals are there.
You just gotta wake them up.
Father and son would only spend a short time together whenever the villain X-Tant killed
Rex and some of his allies from the Justice Society during the event known as Zero Hour.
Tragedy kept on striking.
Whenever shortly after his sweetheart Beth Chapel as Dr. Midnight 2 was slain by a eclipse
of... well damn.
Rick remained retired from the superhero business for a long time and in that time he met the
new android hour man.
The android had been engineered by his time traveling father from Rex's own DNA.
Although Rick intensively disliked the new hour man, he was saved by the android whenever
he transported Rick into the time point, a place where time stands still, so that he
would be able to be spared from unidentified alien illnesses.
The two would grow closer whenever the android, whenever Rick cured of his cancer and bestowed
him two gifts.
Due to a Techeon enhanced hourglass, Rick was now able to occasionally see one hour
into the future, as well as being given an hour with his dad in the time point.
The hour man android had plucked Rex out of the time stream before he was killed fighting
X-Tant, placing him in the time point, an area outside of time, for an hour.
Whenever Rick was not in the time point, time stood still, but whenever he entered he could
interact with his father for advice or simple questioning or conversations.
It's actually kinda...
Fuckin' depressing for his dad.
Depressing for his dad.
Trapped forever.
I'll have to see his fucking huge...
In one hour loops.
That would kinda suck for his dad.
When the hour and the time point would be up, Rex would be sent back in time, one hour
just to see the image of my own failure, where he would fight and die.
The transportation of the time point would be activated by a button in Rick's hour man
gloves.
Now cured of his illness, Rick assumed the mantle of hour man, adopted a new costume
in the process, using a non-addictive form of Miracle, and joined a makeshift JSA in
defeating the Ultra-Humanite after he stole Johnny Thunder's Thunderbolt.
Rick taking a brief visit to the time point to get his father's advice on how to defeat
the powerful Genie, Rick remained with the JSA after this battle and began growing closer
to Jesse Chambers, who was the JSA's business manager and also the superheroine Jesse Quick.
JSA had a business manager?
I dunno.
Like press conferences and...
They didn't just have Bruce Wayne funding it all like a JLA?
Yeah, they got an invention, you know.
Comic cons and stuff?
Butt razors and what not?
Rick is still close to his mother, and has a strained relationship with his cousin Rebecca,
who runs his father's company, Tyler Co.
I don't like the...
What do you mean, strained?
A strained?
Oh, a strained.
I'm like, a strained from what?
Yeah.
A strained from all my cousins.
We weren't too fine.
When the JSA traveled with Hawkman to the Middle East, or the Middle East country of
Condact to stop Black Adam, Rick was severely injured by one of the Nemesis swords.
Realizing that he would die from the massive blood loss unless he was quickly operated
on, Rick saw no choice but to transport himself to the time point where his father was.
Rick quickly swapped places with his father, and the time point held Rick and his wounds
and stasis.
Rick was returned to the regular world and was left with no means of returning to the
time point, or how he could save his son.
So he took the long way, right?
And he had to go back and get his GED, then he had to apply to community college, and
then like, you know, a four-year college, and then he got up to medical school, and
then he got all the surgeries, and then he went back like 25 years later, like, I'm back,
son, I'm a surgeon now.
The answer once again came in the form of the android human, the android hour man, who
transported Rex and several other JSA members to the time point, amongst them the latest
Dr. Midnight, Peter Cross, who was able to save Rick's life.
The time used to save Rick also meant that Rex's time was up, and that he would have
to return to the fight with X-Tent, back in time.
Rick, however, tried to take his place so that his father could live again.
Instead, the android hour man sacrificed himself so that both hour men may live.
So the android sacrificed himself?
So he got you, Russ.
Rex retrieved the damaged hour man's parts, and is trying to rebuild him while Rick continues
to operate with JSA.
While returning in once more to Condact to face the Spectre, Rick's friend, Jacob Thunder,
tried to trap the Spectre inside of his magical pen, but was instead himself thrown into the
fifth dimension.
Rick, Mr. Terrific, and Stargirl ventured into the fifth dimension and rescued Jacob
from the thralls of Quisp.
Quisp?
Q-W-S-P?
Quisp?
Quith?
You know who Quisp is?
No.
He's one of those fifth dimensional imps, the way Mr. Mixy Spiddalick.
Yeah.
Mixy Spiddalick.
And Batmite.
Yeah.
But he's that other, like, weird looking one, like where he looks like a little, he looks
like an imp almost.
Like an elf, kind of.
Probably just like the little alien from the Flintstones, the little green alien.
Where nobody else could see him.
Basically.
So one year later, Rick is part of a newly formed Justice Society of America and is married
to Jesse Chambers, now going by the name of Liberty Bell.
Why does Jesse Chambers sound like a porn star name?
Because you're thinking Jesse Jane?
No.
I guess it's Chambers.
Chambers?
Yeah.
Then he sounds like a horn anchor?
I don't know.
I just think he rings like a porn star.
How's darling Jesse Chambers?
47th Avil Street.
Part 17.
Of the Uplog of 200?
Bang bus 99.
They were responsible for bringing damage into the Justice Society of America and the
trio defeated Captain Nazi.
In the Watchmen sequel Doomsday Clock, our man appears with the Justice Society after
Dr. Manhattan undoes the experiment that erased the Justice Society of America and the Legion
of Superheroes.
So, if that's the last time you see him.
Damn.
I'm just gonna retire.
Yeah.
So, like the original Our Man, Rex Tyler Rick, Rick imbibes the drug Miracle, granting him
super strength, speed, agility, reflexes, and durability for exactly 60 minutes.
His weather didn't ever tell you it's a suppository.
You find that out in Panel 9.
It's just a scene that you just gloss over.
You don't notice it.
They don't ever tell you again.
He's just like, huh?
The nature of Miracle's effectiveness has changed in the explanation over the years.
You know how many Coke cans?
Yeah.
As big as one of them.
They just shove it up there.
I guess it probably would go by, you'd probably make it more, it would like go into system
faster wouldn't it?
If it goes so vainly.
A suppository?
Yeah.
Like, boom.
Could be.
I got powers for 92 hours now instead of 60 minutes.
Just like to shove the whole bottle up there.
So the explanation has changed over the years at times being described as a megavitamin,
a steroid, a chemical enhancement, metagene enabler, and a placebo covering the release
of metahuman potential.
The latter, proposed by Johnny Quick, was generally dismissed by the Tylers.
The effectiveness of the Miracle varies based on the subject's age, physical conditioning,
and frequency of use.
Quick's description of his abilities rarely matched their depiction.
While he described his strength as the combined effort of five Olympic level athletes, he
was shown doing considerably more.
Just like that one guy that jumped over the thing and his cock hit the fucking pole.
And they think, what are the five right?
You know what's funny about characters, right?
Now that I've been reading more storytelling books from writers and stuff, like Stephen
King, and I started thinking about how I would take a character that was in mind and what
I would do with it.
So he gets his powers, he takes a pill, and one of the side effects is addictive, right?
Yes.
So I would have to add that.
If they gave me a fucking 12 issue run with the hour man, right?
And I would look at his mythos, and then I would build from that.
Look at his family life.
I have to look at his story.
What's his actual story?
And then I can build a plot around that.
And I probably have a story where hour man would be like a real, he would have maybe
like a cabal of villains.
When they find out that he only has the powers for an hour, so they decide to attack him
one day.
They'll find his identity, but they just trap him somewhere.
And so now he has to, the minutes keep ticking off in the panel, like one hour, 40 minutes,
right?
And he's fighting and he keeps trying to escape, and he keeps fighting and escaping, and then
he's out of no choice.
So he's got to take a second pill right off the back of the first one.
So now he's out of powers again.
But now it's like a little strain, but nothing too grievous.
But then they keep hitting him again.
You know that nightfall where Batman kept getting attacked?
Yeah.
It would be like that.
But then he takes a third pill, because now it's been three hours.
And they just keep hunting him and they keep fighting him.
And now like six hours in, he's six pills in.
Now he is fucking tweaking.
You know what?
That's what I would do.
I would push his character to the limit of what his mythos is.
Right.
He's just fucking tweaking his boss.
He's like, I have six pills.
And he's just fucking ripping.
He's already killed two villains.
And now he's like, he's really fucking going off.
That's what I mean.
That's what writers should do.
They should take someone else's mythos and see what you can push it to.
Because they did that with Batman.
They have done that with him already before.
You know what I mean?
Right.
If they haven't done it with a character like our man.
Right.
Because I just picked some random like.
Yeah.
If you do like a writing process or a writing exercise and no one's going to see it.
Just write yourself a 12 issue fucking a script, you know, 12 issue script of a character or
some random learn as much as you can about a Marvel character or a DC character.
Not a main one, a small one.
Learn their entire mythos, their entire story or their entire plots or not their plots because
you make the plots, their story core.
Then expand from there.
Like what they what they've done in their past, like what their family ties are and
then you build your own story from that.
That'd be kind of fun.
Yeah.
Because I would have fucking Iron Man just fucking blowing a gasket, six pills and six
hours fighting like his fucking like muscles are just fucking like bulging from the pain,
right?
Yeah.
Of consistently being powered.
Man, he'd probably be like, I'd probably leave the last issue of him in a wheelchair
and just fucking ruin everyone's fucking day.
12 issues in, fucking Iron Man in a wheelchair because he overdosed on fucking drugs.
No happy ending for you.
Don't real dark with it.
Maybe he got a pinch like Betty Ford trying to get off of the pills.
Based on the depictions under hit under its effects, Rick experienced the ability to live
or press 10 tons run at speeds of 60 miles an hour.
I wouldn't make him that strong though.
So 65 they run at speeds of 65 miles per hour.
See that's that's I doubt I would add, but the 10 tons is too high.
The ability to leave from windows as high as three stories that I would keep reflexes
enough to spar with super speedsters.
No, I guess I want to keep it in almost realistic and the very like the real like just scraping.
Yeah.
Uh, deception of the suspension of disbelief.
Yeah.
And the durability to withstand superhuman blows.
Yeah, but not like Superman level right now.
Like let's say you get hit by a bus and you fucking crash it into a fucking coffee shop.
It just gets up like, like he's like, damn, that hurt.
Yeah.
Like his ribs are cracked.
Yeah.
He's not fucking dead.
Uh, generally Rick's used a single miracle uphill for action based on the dosage created
by his father.
However, the drug is more potent and larger doses.
He goes, also he wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to keep making him stronger than if he keeps
taking more as he keeps getting jumped.
Yeah.
So I guess I would have to compound his abilities.
So I guess I would take, I guess I would add up to 10 tons where he just punches one of
the villains and kills them and instantly.
Yeah.
And see, this is another thing that to that too, though it lasts a fraction of the time
of a single pill.
Oh, so it gets shorter.
Yeah.
Damn.
So I would have some fun with that.
Go down to like fucking like 20, like 15 minutes or something.
Yeah.
During an attack on the Android's hour man, a dual dose lasted Rick only 10 minutes, but
enhanced the regular effects of his, uh, substantial margin allowing him to keep up with the Android,
albeit temporarily.
So for them two pills, 10 minutes.
I'd have to expand that to more like 45 minutes.
You couldn't cut it down that fast.
No, I don't think it would be like 20 pills for 20 seconds.
Yeah.
It'd be fucking dead.
His heart would be fucking pounding.
Once the hour time period is over, the drug metabolizes using the, uh, into the user's
system.
Repeated dosage have limited if any effect until approximately 23 hours have passed,
at which point the drugs effects return to full potency.
I'm by just erased that part.
It just happens.
Well, no, it doesn't say that you can't use anymore.
It just says the effect is not as strong.
So like when you're saying he's taking more and more and more, he's having to take more
pills within the shorter timeframe.
The entire time.
His powers.
Mm hmm.
Uh, Rick, like his father, Rex often noticed that usage carried psychologically addictive
properties.
Perfect.
Yep.
Even then physical addition, uh, even if physical addition addiction was not an issue, uh, because
of the rush from having enhanced abilities, especially whenever in conjunction with a
superhero lifestyle, the period following usage was coupled with the feeling of disappointment
and security and an eagerness to reach the next effective dose.
So level of withdrawal.
Rick struggled with this until joined in the reform justice society.
After reconciling with the Android hour man from the future, he was given a special hour
glass, which caused him to experience random visions of one hour in the future.
The visions were extremely detailed and gave him information covering approximately one
hour of time taking place one hour in the future.
This process was temporarily painful, but granted a strategic advantage and allowed
Rick to, uh, to time his doses more effectively, allowing his hour of power to cover the entirety
of the hour of power.
I'm like you've got to the hour of passion.
Hey baby, you ready for the hour of power?
It's like, Oh Rick, please don't be crap to cover the entirety of the crisis contained
in the vision.
The hourglass on his chest was once able to take him to limbo, the limbo time point where
his father was without Miracle.
Our man is no more powerful than a regular human.
He can only use one dose of Miracle per day as a longterm abuse may prove detrimental
for his health.
So it's not that he doesn't take it because he won't have an effect.
It's that I'm going to fuck his life up.
Yes.
I'm going to leave my life support issue.
Our man's Miracle is dispensed directly into his bloodstream by the hourglass ambulance
is bedded into his costumes, gauntlets.
So it's fucking a inject.
Oh shit, man.
Come on.
That's fucking Matt.
What kind of crack cocaine you take straight to the fucking veins.
Yes.
That's how his girlfriend would find his like secret.
Like she would think he's taking meth.
Yeah.
She sees him fucking, uh, you know, tying his wrist up or his, uh, his arm and she's
like Rick.
And he doesn't want to know.
He doesn't want her to know his identity.
So he just goes, goes along and says he's a heroin addict.
So fucked up.
So yeah, our man, you could, you could take that to, to some extremes.
I'm going to have some fun later.
Writing fun stories for myself.
Uh, then we also have the Android hour, man.
So the Android hour man was created by Grant Morrison and Howard Porter.
Its name is Matthew Tyler.
So it's an Android.
Yes.
And it's just as powerful as our man.
Yes.
And I guess what?
I just make an evil scientist, make a robot equate his powers.
Yeah.
And just be like, never stop chasing him.
So instead of having a cabal, just be the Android.
Yeah.
Like overwhelming, overwhelming him for six hours.
So this hour man, the hour man of the 853rd century is an Android.
Though it describes himself as an intelligent machine colony constructed by Tyler, uh, Kimmel
robotics formerly Tyler Co.
Although he is an Android, he possesses the full range of emotions and human flaws that
an ordinary human does.
Nonetheless, the technology with which he was constructed is far more advanced and beyond
anything conceivable in the 20th century.
While the Android was built or why the Android was built is unknown.
Although it seems likely that he was in fact commissioned by the new God, Metron.
So who sought to make it as a replacement and apprentice, uh, Rex Tyler, who served
as a biological template for the Android spent time in the future and it was evolved as construction.
I wouldn't have him in the future though.
Get no point.
So shortly after its construction, Metron appointed our man as his heir and entrusted
him with the war log.
The war log is before you even ask.
I'm trying to think like, what the fuck does that mean?
The war log is an ancient artifact containing a map of space time from creation until the
end of the universe in miniature form.
The war log is a, uh, in form of a stone.
I love the, I love the seat.
Let me in the writer's head.
Let me see.
Let me find some cause it does not roll off the tongue at all.
The war log.
I'm like, bro, come on.
Words have to like roll well.
That does not like, that's why I can't stand those fifth dimensional imps.
Like Mr. Mix, mixy spittle it.
I can't bet.
Mike's the only one that rolls right.
I always remember writers.
You got to roll right.
If it sounds awful, like, uh, maybe like if someone wrote the fuck like an Indiana Jones
movie, right?
Indiana Jones and the 15,000 terracotta Chinese soldiers buried in China.
Third 17th century.
I'm like, the title so fucking old.
Just be like, wait, if you play Indiana Jones in the, uh, the terracotta invasion or something,
you know, just roll it off right.
Even if it sounds bad, if it doesn't roll off, you know, yeah, that's true.
That's very true though.
It's kind of like a Eve and the anime overlord.
There's a, there's one specific item.
Everybody always mispronounces.
It's a gununga gap.
Can Nunga gap.
Yeah.
That even said roles, right?
You can get it in the gap, but it's a thing from Norse mythology.
Like it's an actual like name, but it's like as crazy as that is war log.
Just so much.
It's so much worse.
The fucking heck of Tunker is the wildest spelling I've ever seen.
And that rolls perfect.
The heck of Tunker is.
Yeah.
This is war log.
The world like dog.
Get on that world and burn.
So in the form of a stone has been lost for centuries on earth until it was an unearthed
by Lex Corp, right?
Request requisition team and was dubbed the right requisition team.
And dubbed the philosopher stone.
Lex Luthor, not fully understanding the stone, used it to manipulate the alien gym with his
injustice gang against the justice society of America.
The justice league, notably Batman, Martian man hunter and Superman defeated Lex Luthor
as Superman stood ready to destroy the war log.
It temporarily a temporal.
God, if I could even fucking talk today, a temporal split was created when Superman
where Superman to seemingly destroy the stone, the villain Dark Side would be able to conquer
and subjugate the earth.
The corrupt Metron of that future traveled back along the timeline to gather a group
of justice leaguers that would search for the stone so that it would, unknown to them,
fall into the hands of Dark Side.
A timeline in which Superman did not destroy the stone, however, did remain and the counter
corrupt.
The counter to the corrupted Metron, our man himself, also traveled back in time searching
out the leaguers that were searching for the stone.
He was able to convince Green Lantern Kyle Rayner of the terrible future that would follow
if they found the stone and he convinced his teammates Aquaman and Flash, Wally West Flash
Aquaman that fucking quadrillionaire, trillionaire you motherfucking.
To try to stop Dark Side.
Just pay him buddy.
Just pay him off yeah.
Now the three heroes ended up in the alternate timeline in which Dark Side had won and with
the help of their surviving teammates were able to travel back along the timeline themselves
to get a telepathic message to the Martian Manhunter who stopped Superman from destroying
that stone.
The only thing to say is that you're a bitch.
You disappeared back in time.
Martian Manhunter was like what the fuck.
The warligog was handed to the real Metron who passed it on to our man who thereby outgrew
his role as apprentice and became the master of time and hyper time while retaining his
membership in the Justice Legion A. And then our man would later be instrumental in the
organization of the celebrations for the return of Superman Prime to the 853rd century.
Our man would use the warligog to transport the Justice League A into the past to meet
the original Justice League and would then send the Justice League into the future to
participate in the form of Super Olympics.
What?
Yes this is.
Fuck what's going on.
This is the wildest time that I played a detective game.
A Japanese game in my bare mind where I ended up having to go undercover at a school and
I ended up having to work with a fucking dance troupe and make sure they win the finals and
I halfway through the game like where the fuck did the murder stop.
The investigation stopped and I kid you not I was helping these girls work on their dance
routine so we can win the regionals.
I'm like when did I stop trying to solve this fucking murder.
Now I'm trying to fucking win the regionals and the motherfucking dance off.
I will never forget it.
It didn't click right until I was playing for like three hours and I forgot wait this
is a murder mystery game.
What the fuck am I doing?
I'm like popping and locking.
You're over here trying to help become idols.
I'm making fucking choreography like dance choreography for each of the girls and I'm
like what the fuck am I doing.
What about the murder?
That's what I was like what about the fucking murder?
Now it's more important to win regionals.
When Japan gives you side quests my god.
They're deep.
They're deep as fuck.
They're a whole fucking game.
Alright so it went according to plan except for the inclusion of the old villain Solaris
who placed a virus dubbed the hour man virus in the androids body that disabled his time
traveling abilities the moment he reached the past.
Now the legion was stranded in the past and the legion in the future or the league in
the future.
So you have the the legion of superheroes and the league of justice league switch places
basically.
Oh okay.
So the hour man virus spread to the justice legion and then to the rest of the world which
affected both humans and machines.
The medic human population became hostile to the legion as a result and they also had
to do with vandal savage.
It turned out that the virus was the core programming of solaris and the legion would
have to create a body in the 20th century for solaris so the virus could be downloaded
into the new body.
Hour man was paralyzed by self-pity.
I've always loved vandal savage because he became super intelligent right?
Yeah.
Way before early humanity right?
So he all his friends and family and they're all just dumb and he's like fuck man.
Having to live through that for centuries and thousands of years.
You finally met some actual intelligent people but man it must have been a grind.
You're talking about like you know like the the star systems and like philosophy and they're
just like oh god boo.
So you're the dumbest motherfucker I've ever met in my fucking life.
I hate to call you my brother but here we are.
It's you and me.
You know there's people out there that feel that way.
It's like oh why the fuck are we family?
So nonetheless the hour man virus was overcome and hour man control back into the future
and as such he and the legion could witness the defeat of solaris by the hands of superman
prime superman m and green lantern because it's superman prime and then superman one
million.
During the celebrations I wanted to be like gold superman.
Yeah okay.
Hey gold superman.
During the celebrations hour man reached into the past seconds before krypton exploded and
created a duplicate of the planet in the two eight and created a duplicate of the planet
in the 853rd century.
He then reached back and plucked the population of krypton from their world in the seconds
after the launch of Kal-El's rocket and before krypton's final destruction.
All this created a world of new krypton where superman prime could live amongst to other
superpowered kryptonians including his parents as a gift from his comrades in the justice
league and legions.
Okay.
So they created a krypton of the future basically.
After the celebrations had finished hour man felt inadequate since he had been used so
easily by solaris as a carrier of the hour man virus.
Deciding that he needed some more personal growth he traveled back to the 20th century
since there he could truly grow unlike in the wondrous 853rd century.
Thus he arrived at the justice league watchtower where he would serve as a replacement for
martian man hunter who was on a temporary leave of absence.
Immediately upon his entrance he made somewhat of a temporal snafu by asking if he had arrived
before or after the invasion of the fifth dimension.
He arrived at the justice league tower having signaled ahead that he was coming.
He did not truly fit in with the league however and used his time vision on multiple occasions
to skip over conversations he deemed unnecessary.
Wow.
I would be an introvert's best fucking weapon.
Do I have to deal with people today?
Yes.
I guess I won't go outside then.
Eventually a few members of the league decided to call on him and decided that batman would
be best to talk some sense into hour man.
What you doing?
What's wrong with you bro?
Although annoyed by their interference he explained to him.
I would find it funny that every time batman talks to you right?
Yeah.
The first thing I'm batman.
Okay here's what we're going to do.
I don't know what it is.
The first thing I'm going to do is say I'm batman.
That's funny though.
They're annoyed by their interference.
Where it's like batman's like fuck this shit I don't want to have to do this.
I'm batman it's some bullshit right now I'm batman.
But he explained to hour man the worth of thinking before acting.
Hour man took the advice rather literally and used time vision to learn the history
of the justice league through batman's experiences.
All the time he's a cattle woman and all.
From those experiences hour man decided the best person to guide him through his personal
growth was a former mascot for the league the normal human snapper car.
Snapper car.
Hour man and the league found snapper waiting for them at happy harbor cafe.
Thanks to hour man's unconscious manipulations of time snapper had received a premonition
and knew that he would need to help him out.
Snapper named the android Matthew Tyler and took him under his wing and the two of them
headed off perfectly.
After hour man met the android amazo hour man was convinced that he was even more of
a liability than before.
Snapper helped hour man understand that he was having problems fitting into the normal
world because of the power he wielded.
He was practically omnipotent and could manipulate time as he wishes never learning from his
mistakes and that was what was hindering him not his lack of experience.
Just as impulsively as he had acted before hour man concentrated on breaking down the
warligog the source of his almost omnipotent power scattering its components.
He still retained the ability to use his time vision and time travel abilities for an hour
out of every 24 so that he was truly an hour man now.
He also kept the permanent abilities of uh Miracle's strength and speed.
So it's like you know what I'll knock myself down to where I'm only one hour powered but
I keep my strength and my speed.
So amazo is just a regular guy?
Yeah.
Or is that super strength and speed now?
Yes just not the the time abilities he can only use those for an hour 24.
Oh so that's how they can be calmed down.
Now he really is the hour man.
That was not the only effect his confrontation with amazo had on hour man though.
His fucking evolution of character is him being father time.
Yeah.
That's how it ends for him too.
Now you take the mantle of time.
He asked himself if amazo was the first android and thus atom of the androids.
Were they inherently meant to be evil?
To find the answer to his dilemma hour man sought out professor Ivo the creator of the
amazo android.
In his hour of power he learned how Ivo and professor tomorrow had created the android
tomorrow woman who had broken her programming goal of killing the league and instead died
as a hero.
He revived her and for the last 50 minutes of his hour of power he continued that he
she continued that existence cementing her status as a hero as she saved lives and lived
her life to the fullest.
She taught hour man what con live laugh love huh yes like the epitome of it.
She taught hour man what consequences his actions can have.
In that short time the two formed a connection that ultimately when tomorrow woman disappeared
at the end of the hour hour man left hour man with a hole in his non existing heart.
Non existing heart.
So while fighting alongside the justice league in the war with the fifth dimension hour man
met the justice society of america and thanks to the feelings and memories of the original
hour man that he possessed he felt a kinship with him.
When asked by Jay Garrick he attended the funeral of Wesley Dodds the original sandman together
with the others presence.
He also dragged into the battle for the future doctor fate.
At the end of the adventure he joined the justice society during this time he often
was simply referred to as Tyler.
When hour man met Rick Tyler son and heir of the original hour man they fought.
They would eventually make amends whenever Amazo disguised as a future version of hour
man cures Rick of the disease he had contracted thanks to his miracle addiction.
After spending some more time with the society hour man left to explore the time stream more
but not before giving Rick two gifts the first of which was a tachyon filled hour glass that
would give Rick the occasional vision of the future that would take place in the hours
time.
The second of these was another hour with Rick's father which we talked about already
before a recreation of Rex's old lab.
Using a special gauntlet Rick could travel to and from the time point to talk to his
father with time not existing for Rex while Rick was absent.
Once an hour had elapsed Rex would have to leave to fight X-Tan and meet his preordained
death.
He recently returned at the behest of the society whenever Rick was stranded in the
time point mortally wounded.
Rick was saved although Rex's hour in the time point was up and now either Rick or Rex
was going to die facing X-Tan.
Instead Matthew gave his life and took their place impersonating Rex with a hologram.
This is how the android leaving them with the hourglass in his chest to allow them to
return home.
Whenever Rex told our man that he was alive as any of them despite being an android our
man replied that he appreciated that more than Rex could ever know and asked Rex to
give his wife his love before he returned to the battle with X-Tan.
His broken pieces were retrieved by Rex who attempts to rebuild him and as a short time
later Rip Hunter said during the team up with the JSA that the android hour man would be
gone for a relative year indicating he may return.
So you get that like hope that he'll come back at the end of it.
And then the last part we have with this is in the new golden age the android hour man
is revealed to be the buyer that wanted to purchase the lost children from a time scavenger
called Childminder.
This is when we're getting into the newer comic books so.
Our man tells Childminder that his owner will not be pleased with the setbacks that she
suffered.
He and the Childminder later hear the sonic boom that boom caused.
Boom is the character this caused both of this causes both of them to leave the child
collectors to recapture Red Arrow boom Sparky Pinky the Wiz kid secret and the dine Dan
the dynamite.
I'm fucking a random contenders this upon those with Red Arrow.
I think Red Arrow is the only one that I would know.
It's like speedy almost.
Okay meeting up with Stargirl.
There a wave cherry bomb ladybug little miss redhead quiz kid Robbie the robot dog and
Salem the witch girl.
What the fuck is going on.
Yes.
Everyone does Stargirl is subdued by our man as he claims that he is trying to save the
lost children from the complete obliteration.
It turns out that the hour man android was working for an adult version of quirky Baxter
called Time Master.
During Stargirl's fight with Time Master boom removes the hour man's android brain so that
she quiz kid and Robbie the robot dog can reprogram it.
Once the hour man android was reprogrammed he blasts Time Master back into the time portal
and sends wig back to his own time as he can't allow the lost children to return to their
own time due to paradoxical reasons.
The hour man android brought the lost children to Stargirl's time.
Sometime later hour man's accompanied Stargirl and boom to the JSA headquarters where flash
and Jacob thunder comment on what could have changed following their fight with per degaton.
Stargirl and boom stayed to flash and the JSA members present but the hour man android
shed some light on the time related questions.
So the last little part just delete from your memory because it's just stupid.
The rest of it made sense for the most part.
I don't understand like I told you whenever they start redoing shit they start messing
stuff up.
But yeah he basically he can control time fairly easily compared to everybody else.
Like the robot android version of hour man is like way overpowered compared to them.
There's no album of power.
No fucking pill tweaking either.
He stuck over there on that crack injecting it with your dollops your gloves.
Can't fire from your job because you've been taking chemicals to make your pills.
Rick I need you to see me in the office.
I need you to sit down please.
I caught you on camera here.
You might tell me what's going on and you see regular stuff and shit in his fucking
pockets.
Fucking just bottles of fucking chemicals and shit.
I'm just I.
Rick are you a drug addict?
No.
I mean like if like the word drug an addict yes but like not the way you think.
See I'm a superhero Rick you're fired.
He would say like I'm a superhero then he gets fired.
Well I'm a superhero see Rick you're fired.
Clean your desk out get out by 5 p.m. please.
By 5 p.m.
You know you want to throw him out at the gate.
I would.
Give him a chance.
Kick his bucket off.
Call security.
Rick starts fucking flipping out.
He has to pick up a desk.
It's like a 300 pound fucking oak desk that the boss owns.
See if I take this pill I get super strength.
It was like maybe he hasn't tweaked the chemical right so that one's a dud.
So it doesn't really work.
I was like get security in your place.
Rick please tell you that.
That was my father's desk.
It was a gift before he died.
One of those fucking thick ass fucking.
God dang red oak fucking trees made into a desk.
I got 800 pounds.
I had to open up the window.
The skyscraper they had to put it in through a helicopter.
Let's see.
All right that is all I got for the character spotlight though this week.
So it's going to be hourglass.
Hourglass.
Hour man.
Hour of power.
Just call it the hour of power.
Just I'll title it hour of power.
For our breakdown or our deep dive I guess is if you want to call it.
We're going to Elder Scrolls.
Okay.
We're going to be talking about the Daedric Princess.
At least half of them this time.
We'll do the other half next week.
So to start off Daedric Princess also known as Daedric Regents, Daedric Lords, Daedric
Lords of Misrule, Lords and Ladies of Oblivion and the Second Litter to the Khajiit.
They're called the Second Litter.
That's what they're known as to the Khajiit.
Interesting.
Or Khajit whatever you want to call them.
Are the most powerful of the Daedra and thus most commonly worshiped as gods.
Each has a particular sphere which is said to govern.
In fact Demi Prince Fa Nguyet Hien stated that a broad and well-defined sphere of influence
that enables clarity of purpose and focused expression of will is what made a prince a
prince.
So them controlling a sphere is literally what makes them a prince.
The various Daedric Princes and their spheres are listed what we're going to be going through.
So Daedric Princes may assume a typically masculine or typically feminine form, sometimes both.
They are usually referred to as princes regardless of what gender they are and they appear most
frequently as.
In all there are 18 powerful princes known to mortals.
And we're going to be covering, let's see, one, two, three, eight of them today.
So eight of the 18 basically.
So we'll be covering Azura, Boethiah, Clavicus Vile, Harmaus Mora, Hercene, Ethelia and Jigalag.
Each Daedric Prince with the exception of Jigalag is said to have their own plane of
oblivion over which they have control.
Proper oblivion realms such as the main realms of each prince is said to be infinite in scale.
The realm of each prince is said to be fundamentally shaped and curated by their will and purpose.
And changed to accommodate through slight swim.
To the extent that it has been said some of the princes and the realm and some of some
of the prince is the realm and the realm is the prince.
So like the Daedric Prince themselves are their own realms.
Like that's literally what the realm is, is them.
Quite the philosophy right there.
Yeah, a little bit.
So for most Daedric beings creating a realm is an enormous undertaking and it requires
enormous will and power.
The Daedric princes are said to possess such might that in ages past they formed vast and
practically limitless domains around the initial seed of the realm.
As such some of them are known to also have sway over adjunct realms or border realms
such as the infinite archive of Apocrypha which lie within their planes greater fabric.
Some of these border realms have been described as having extensive or infinite scale and
not lying within the same time and space as their prince's main plane.
The limits on their planes, powers and influence are not readily understood as there are over
37,000 other planes in the Elder Scrolls universe such as the Sol Cairn, the Chimera of Dissolution
that's...
Quite the airport there.
Fuck.
Quite the fucking LaGuardia Airport and a lot of planes.
A lot of planes.
The kind where they're just flying in and out constantly.
I'm just doing a play on words.
Over which they are not known to exert control.
And indeed there exists far more than that with accounts from the Daedra describing the
minor realms of Oblivion as overall being infinite in both number and complexity.
The planes of Oblivion are said to exhibit infinite variation much like the Daedra that
inhabit them.
Thus it is said that they share little in common being the very definition of change
in variation manifesting all possibilities and validating all understanding and misunderstanding.
Indeed it is said that what the mortal senses perceive while in an Oblivion realm is crafted
from illusion and metaphor the result of their mind attempting to make sense of the surrounding
chaos.
Because of this phenomenon things like the grass one might perceive while in an Oblivion
realm are actually just a memory of that thing as interpreted by the mortal mind.
The smaller planes are said to often twist into hypergenial paradoxes in an attempt to
resist any sort of order being imposed on them or wink in and wink out of its existence
making it difficult for Daedra to gain a foothold there.
The term pocket realm is another...
It is said to refer to any minor plane of Oblivion whether it is autonomous from the
rule of a Daedric prince, semi-autonomously under the rule of a prince appointed functionary,
or fully incorporated by a prince.
The realms comprising Oblivion are described as being part of a different universe or a
different dimension in relation to Mundus which is the mortal Aedra controlled realm.
The Daedric princes seem to view Men and Myrrh as little more than minor amusements occasionally
applauding the actions of mortals whenever they exceed their expectations.
They do not know the mortal sense of good and evil and usually have extremist tendencies
which is why Myrrh and Men fear them greatly.
However, several princes do seem to take genuine pleasure in tremendous acts of devastation,
in particular Boethiah, Malagball, Verminna, Mehrunes Dagon and Pyrrhaite.
Although the beings are considered evil by most, they are widely worshipped in the realms
of Tamriel.
Elaborate shrines are created to honor the Daedra as gods.
They often take a keen interest in their worshippers and it is speculated that this is either because
of the obvious ego gratifications of being somebody's god or because the Daedra like
to keep an eye on potential future subjects.
Assuming some of the demonic disposition enter Oblivion after death, that is, there are many
afterlife theories and religions in the world of Tamriel.
Mainstream religious authorities discourage Daedra worship and often mount witch hunting
expeditions to drive Daedra worshippers from an area.
During these encounters, they are often surprised by the marginal sanity that comes from worshipping
the Daedra princes.
For the most part, however, dealing with the Daedra, one gets the distinct impression of
being amused over as a person peering under an upturned rock may momentarily wander at
the lives of the bugs living ignorantly there.
The Daedra princes can be summoned and there is a popular notion that the summoned lords
will then give the summoner a quest or task to fulfill that the quest, once completed,
will make the questor richly rewarded.
Which you know.
I think in Merwin if you find the statues of specific Daedra princes, because Merwin
was a bit more, well, hardcore and not as hand holding as Skyrim, you really had to
go out of your way to find these things.
Because I found one accidentally when I was playing a game and this huge fucking text
box popped up and I'm like, what the fuck?
And I heard whispering, like on my, because the Daedra prince was whispering in his own
language or whatever, but I didn't know what it was saying.
And that huge text, because it's all done in the same language of the game, you gotta
pretty much pull out the meaning of what they're trying to tell you to do.
And then you go to your journal and it finally tells you like, oh you gotta go here and do
this and do that.
And you get this sword or something.
But it was trippy finding it on your own.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
And mostly if you found one that was populated with the worshipers.
Yeah, assholes were always angry.
Always well armored, always getting ready to just destroy you every time you go in there.
But I didn't know that until later that I had activated the statue that had the Daedra
prince talking to me.
I was just like, what the fuck is this statue talking to me for?
So yeah, it does story.
Like you said, Morrowind was a much more hardcore game than Skyrim.
Skyrim is more forever, are you on?
You just, here's where the statue is.
Here's a fast travel.
You don't have to go to a mage in this specific town to fast travel.
That was the one thing that bothered me a lot, but it's like it was part of the game
that you had to do.
Where you had to go to the mage's guild every single fucking time.
You had to sail right here.
Or had to fight those big ass fucking ubers.
Yes.
Basically like those bugs that look like fleas.
And they tried to bring those back in Stolstein where they had the stilt rider.
If I haven't played Stolstein that much, my cousin's dead.
You can use the travel of a stilt rider.
It's like, you're really trying to bring this back from Morrowind, aren't you?
Or you'd be a dumbass like me and you kill one in a specific place.
So you can teleport, you can travel to that one, but you can't travel out of that one.
Because I killed the stilt rider.
I killed the guy.
But see, you could do that though in Morrowind.
You could fuck up your entire gameplay to where...
Yes, I know.
I was like, fuck man.
And he never came back.
You can't do that really in anything to do with Skyrim.
They always drop to their knees like, uh huh.
And then stand right back up.
Like, well I feel better.
See, Morrowind would let you kill, old freak.
Look, they killed Vivec too.
Yeah.
Killed the god of that world.
Or like the mortal god of the world anyway.
Took everything you had to.
But you could do it.
You could definitely do it.
However, this is probably not true of most Daedric summons, and the summoner would do
well to consider the consequences of his actions in advance.
A consecrated shrine is the most reliable conduit for contacting a Daedric prince, though there
are other ways to make contact with the powers of oblivion.
With Adra and Daedra are precisely defined, while Adra and Daedra are precisely defined,
there are still some beings who challenge this dichotomy in their respects.
Malacath, who legend holds was once the Adra Trenimac, is particularly hostile to other
Daedra.
He even created Scourge, Bane of Daedra.
According to Mancar Comoron, Lorcon is a Daedric prince whose sphere is Tamriel, which was
from Morrowind.
However, this is uncorroborated and little is known of the mysterious trickster deity.
While some stories suggest that Lorcon was impervious to death, similar to Adra, he is
also credited with helping to bring about creation.
In fact, from many sources, it was allegedly his idea.
Obscure stories also question the origins of Meridia and Maroon's Dagon.
Just like with other beings, each reality along the many paths contained its own version
of each entity, be they mortal or Daedra.
Even deities such as the Daedric princes have their own alternate versions within the realities.
These alternate versions are said to be reflections of one another, different in some ways like
images of a cracked mirror but originating from the same seed.
However, there is at least one reality where concepts such as magic and Daedra do not exist
at all.
The first Daedric prince that we have is Azura.
Azura of the Crimson Gate, also known as Queen of the Dawn and Dusk, the Mother Soul, Moon
Shadow, Moon of the Rose, Queen of the Night Sky, Twilight Queen, the Rim of All Holes.
The cosmic server called Azura by the Khajiit, with an H instead of just ending in an A,
is a Daedric prince whose fear is dusk and dawn, the magic in between realms of twilight,
as well as mystery and magic, fate and prophecy, and vanity and egotism.
Azura is one of the few Daedra who maintains the appearance of being good by mortal standards
and reportedly feels more concern for the well-being of her mortal subjects than other
Daedric princes.
It is said she wants their love above all else, and for her worshippers to love themselves.
It pains her whenever they do not.
This attitude leads to an extremely devoted following.
She is also one of the few princes who constantly maintains a female image and is perceived
accordingly.
In Khajiit creation myths, Azura is credited with introducing Moonsugar to Khajiit, and
this belief is also told within tales aimed at Khajiit children.
Yeah, I know Moonsugar was illegal.
I don't know if it was a shopkeeper or a cop that I talked to in the game, like one of
those guards.
But when they found out I had Moonsugar on me, I think the shopkeeper wouldn't make business
with me or something.
He would not barter with me if I had Moonsugar on me.
I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, bro?
He said, you carry the sugar.
I'm like, what the fuck is sugar?
Because I didn't know it was fucking illegal.
No one tells you when you first play the game, especially because it was dropped on the Xbox.
That was the first type of game like that on a console.
I had never even played Daggerfall.
I never played that.
It was on an older system of computers and stuff.
I didn't know anything about this.
Like Morrowind was my first experience with Elder Scrolls.
Like a deep-seated RPG.
And it drew you in automatically.
But yeah, I didn't know about Moonsugar either.
It's like you go through, you get caught, it's like, you got Moonsugar, huh?
Fuck.
You're like, when we're going to stand here and make you eat all of it, like, oh no.
You get fucking high as a kite.
Aw.
Looks like OE Lost.
What?
OE Lost.
Well damn.
It's live.
All right.
The Five Songs of the King Wolfharth claims that Alondra Sol is the immortal son of Zura.
While Zura is considered one of the Good Daedra by the Dunmer of Morrowind, elsewhere she
has been known to be allied with Malag Bal, who is known to the Dunmer as one of the Four
Corners of the House of Troubles.
The people of the Iliac Bay region believe that Zura bewitches some of her followers
to become her lovers and virtual slaves.
Her followers acknowledge that she is cruel but wise.
In addition to being one of her many Sorbacues, Moonshadow is also the name of Zura's realm
in Oblivion.
Zura's star, the Twilight Star, is visible at dawn and dusk, low on the horizon below
the constellation of the Steed.
Her summoning day is Hoggathum, a festival of the 21st of the First Seed.
Then we have Boethiah.
Boethiah.
Sounds familiar.
Or Boetiah, I guess is how they want you to pronounce it, but I've always known it as
Boethiah.
I'm, I'm, I speak English.
I'm not going to go out of my way for that one.
Yeah man, you say wine, then you say vineyard.
It's not that complicated.
It's many, it's also minute.
What's so hard about that?
They're spelled exactly the same.
Exactly the same.
Or tear and tear.
Yeah.
Read and read.
I hate that one too.
It's all about context, I guess.
Yes it is.
In our language.
So Boethiah is also known as the Prince of Plots, the Daedric Prince of Cruelty and Torture,
the Dark Warrior, Deceiver of Nations, Queen of Shadows, Goddess of Destruction, Hunger,
and Fount of Inspiration.
That bitch.
He who destroys and she who erases.
Boethiah the Schemer, the Dark Mistress.
Being called Boethra by the Khajiit.
The Khajiit always have a fucking different name for these people.
So Boethiah is a Daedric Prince who rules over deceit, conspiracy, secret plots of murder,
assassination, treason, and unlawful overthrow of authority.
This fear is destructive in nature and Boethiah's destructiveness comes from inspiring the arms
of mortal warriors.
The Dark Warrior has been described as cold and impersonal, cruel, and one of the more
demonic of the Daedric Lords.
Worshippers are known to hold bloody competitions in Boethiah's honor, battling, even killing
each other for Boethiah is said to care only for their blood.
In Morrowind, the Daedra known as the Hunger, foul creatures that are eternally bone thin,
are associated with the Prince.
Tills like green I think.
I think so yeah.
The dinosaurs if I remember right.
Because they weren't scams.
No they weren't scams.
That and those fucking birds.
God.
The cliff breakers.
Yeah the cliff breakers.
I'd probably kill like six billion of them.
Then they'd be fucking extinct.
That's what happens when they put it with them.
They reproduce so fast.
Jesus they must.
They have to.
Boethiah sees battle as a blessing and is frequently depicted as a great caped warrior
often in a stoic pose while sometimes described as a male.
Boethiah is often is also commonly referred to as a female sometimes within the same text.
Notably female with a swinging cock.
Exactly.
Boethiah is usually depicted as a male in Morrowind but is also known for taking the
form of a Dunmer warrior queen.
She rules from the realm of attribution share.
Boethiah often manifests using trickery, unpredictable avatars who can appear as male or fawn.
Or female of any race.
These avatars become involved with important or momentous events working behind the scenes
to achieve an outcome that serves Boethiah's will.
They will often challenge mortals seeking to test the mettle of heroes and commoners
alike.
After a trial ends the avatar is likely to vanish leading to strange and mysterious stories
and legends among the participants.
Despite the dark undertones of Boethiah's fear and influence of Tamriel the prince was
considered in Morrowind as one of the three good Daedra and the anticipation of Almexia
by the old tribunal temple and one of the reclamations by the new temple.
The prince of plots has a psion, the demi prince Fa Nuit Hinn.
Despite this the information broker Madame Wim believes that the demi prince did not
actually originate from Boethiah while also stating that Boethiah supports their claim
of psionship.
In the same interview Wim would describe how Daedric princes have been known to adopt psions
in the past.
In the five songs of King Wulfharth Lorcan states that the Nerevar is the son of Boethiah,
one of the strongest paramaics.
But it is unclear how literal the statement was.
Malek Baal as one of the corners of the house of troubles is considered Boethiah's arch-enemy
in Morrowind and they are in a perennial fight.
Boethiah can be summoned on Gauntlet the second of sun's dusk.
So she's got a thing going against Malek Baal.
I hate each other.
Then we have one of the I think one of the better Daedra Clavicus Vile.
So the guy with the scarlet sacs there?
No that's not the crazy one.
Clavicus Vile is the one that you get the mask of Clavicus Vile where he's got the horns
with the dog.
Clavicus Vile also known as the prince of trickery and bargains, the consummate politician
of oblivion, the master of insidious wishes and god child of the morning star.
So you know who they based this off of.
They based him off of Loki or off of Lucifer.
Again he makes deals.
He is a Daedra prince whose fear is the granting of power and wishes through ritual invocations
and pacts.
He is seen as one of the more sophisticated of the Daedra princes and often appears in
the guise of a jovial scaphen, a race of horned Daedra that inhabit the fields of regret,
his realm of oblivion.
Clavicus Vile is also known as Nykot.
According to some, this name was created by the mortal Nykotic cult, who didn't have
the knowledge to properly read the Daedric alphabet, misreading the first five letters
of Vile's Daedric name as Nykot upon mistaking the runes for Tamrielic letters.
However, the name was used by the scaphen to refer to Vile over 300 years before the
cult's prominence.
Clavicus finds eternity to be boring.
So he finds entertainment watching mortals occasionally meddling in their affairs.
He has been known to be the patron of vampires, gracing them with social stature, reasoned
and savvy, allowing them not only to live among regular mortals but to hold powerful
positions in society.
However, not all of Vile's machinations are necessarily insidious.
He has been known to reward those who, on his direction, eliminate threats to the general
public, while still serving his own interests.
So Vile is rarely seen without his loyal companion Barbas, the dog that he wants you to kill.
Barbas typically assumes the form of a dog, but is also known to appear as a scamp named
Creeper.
The two are so close, Barbas is almost universally depicted alongside his master in artwork and
statuary.
In fact, Vile has been known to store up to half of his power within Barbas.
These facts have led to speculation that the pair are in fact two halves of the same being.
It is said Clavicus Vile is the most carefully neutral Daedric Prince, though he has at times
created alliances such as his role with the Triad.
He is also the enemy of Eboronarm.
Clavicus Vile's summoning day coincides with the New Life Festival, the first day of Morningstar.
According to some sources, Vile views himself as a playful and fun-loving god who basks
in the sun alongside his favorite companion Barbas.
This mindset is said to be reflected in the idealistic form his realm takes, making his
domain less a normal place like one would find in Nym and more of a state of mind.
Despite the view of himself, Vile's games are noted as being dangerous, making caution
necessary whenever approaching him.
He's basically like if you combine Lucifer, Loki, like a kid, where he wants to be carefree
even though he's not necessarily carefree.
And last one we'll cover for today is Noe's favorite, Harmaeus Mora, sometimes known as
Harmaeus, Hormaeus, Humus, Harma Mora, Daedra Prince of Forbidden Knowledge, the Demon of
Knowledge, the One Who Knows, the Master of Tides of Fate, Gardener of Men, Prince of
Fate, Lord of the Secrets, the Keeper of Forbidden Knowledge, the Golden Eye, the Golden...
The Great Eye, Ur Daedra, Abyssal Seferal Arch, Old Ante-Settent, Scryer, he who records
all knowledge and inevitable knower, Lord of Fate and Knowledge.
He's on a fucking list of titles.
So that ooze one?
Yes.
Okay, that tentacle one?
Yep.
Okay, I didn't like him.
I like the book stuff though.
Yes, that's why I said, you know, your favorite one.
Also known as...
I'd be like, bro, you're fucking spitting on me.
You keep talking to me.
You're spitting all over me, man.
Oh, he's always like slushed over.
Yeah, basically.
Also known to the ancient Edmorans in Bosmer as Hermamora, the Woodland Man, or that which
speaks in the Wastes, to the Alyds, Hermamora and the Khajiit as the Tide King and Hermora.
And the Daedric Prince...
Also known as Little Wayne.
And his fear is forbidden knowledge, hidden shoals...
Really?
This is fear?
I think he would love that shit.
Forbidden knowledge.
Yeah.
He's afraid of that?
Weird.
Hidden shoals, whirlpools and sudden squalls, destiny and the scrying of the tides of fate.
Weaving his way through the past and future as red in the stars and heavens and in whose
domain are the treasures of knowledge and memory.
His curiosity is insatiable and he seeks all knowledge and not to change but to observe
so that all becomes known.
He weeps cold tears at the plague of ignorance where knowledge is forsaking out a fear of
misuse and seeks to enlighten all to all mysteries that have ever and will ever exist.
Then after my own heart...
You become Hermasmo.
Yeah, basically.
The whole game just leads up to you taking this mantle and then he retires and into oblivion
and...
Oh no.
The benevolence presented by his followers may be a facade as Mora is said to hoard his
knowledge and give nothing away for free.
Like all danger princes, he's not to be trifled with but he is subtler than most of his ilk
and ensnares mortals with secrets.
He may seem cruel at times but he's not irrational.
Mora hoards and safeguards any knowledge that could potentially endanger reality.
Always lurking, he is the void that is ever seeking eyes.
Mora has been called the wisest of the danger princes with a mind as old as Tamriel and
a body of slime.
Though he describes himself as the riddle unsolvable, the door unopenable, the book
unreadable, the question unanswerable.
I don't know what that means, Batman.
Who did it?
The diddler.
He's covered in diddler's baby oil.
It's me, the riddler.
That's why he's so slimy.
He's covered in diddler's baby oil.
And KY jelly and asshores is done.
He is a tentacle monster.
He's anti-tentacle for sure.
Unlike most princes, Hermes Mora typically does not take on humanoid form, manifesting
instead as a black cloud of very grotesque assemblages of eyes, tentacles, and claws
or a featureless purple vortex known as the wretched abyss.
Though according to some sources, he occasionally took on a form resembling that of a mortal.
He speaks with a thundering bray.
That's what you call it.
I call it a shard.
Thundering bray.
Are you a horse?
That would be a nay, wouldn't it?
Oh yeah, I guess it would be a nay, not a bray.
He resides everywhere and nowhere but tastes glee and torments the mortals from his realm
of an oblivion, the plane called Apocrypha, an endless library where the infinite pages
of countless books containing all forbidden knowledge are found.
Each book sports a black cover.
Lo and loads into those fucking books.
I'm just putting them back on the shelf.
They're covered in slime already, son.
Well yeah, I guess that's what he's been doing too.
He's like fucking, boo!
That'd be so fucked up.
You go to a library, right?
You buy a book, or no, you rent a book, you go home and you open it, right?
You get to one page where it's stuck, and you fucking creak it open, and you just, that's
all fucking cum stain, and you're like, what the fuck, am I sick?
You know, me just saying that, more than likely with the amount of people out there, somebody
has done it.
Someone just fucking dropped a load into a book in a library.
No, I would not doubt that one bit.
Put it right back up on the shelf.
If he was smart, he'd do a magazine instead.
That really looks fucking different.
Just leave a wet stain.
Just a fucking, like, wrinkle stain.
You're like, how the fuck did this get wet?
It's in the middle of the book.
You know what the page is messed up?
It just looks like it's got a weird fucking crust to it, too.
Each book sports a black cover without a title, and the realm is reported to be haunted by
ghosts forever searching for knowledge.
His servants include Daedra, such as the Seekers, the Lurkers, and the Watchers.
But it sounds like he's some kind of pedophile or something.
The Seeker, the Lurker, and the Watcher.
The fucking pedophile ring.
It's three of them on the fucking trio.
He's got the Seeker, he finds them, the Lurker follows him.
The Watcher looks at him like he's watching them all the time.
So the Watcher watches them, right?
The Seeker gets them, and the Lurker...
What does the Lurker do?
Follows them?
But the Seeker already, I guess...
Right, right.
So the Watcher finds them, right?
The Lurker follows them home to find out where they live, and the Seeker goes and gets them.
Perfect.
It's funny that it comes out like that.
But he is known to have mortal worshipers too.
Sailors and seafaring folk refer to Hermaeus Mora as the Tide King, Master of the Seas,
and one whose tentacles rise from the deep, as a being who lurks in the oceans and pulls
vessels down into the abyss.
So kind of like the Kraken almost.
Fucking terrifying.
Similarly, the Khajiiti, Hormora, controls the tides and lives in a vast library under
the sea.
Hermaeus Mora is tangentially related to the origins of the Murog Tong by association with
his sibling Mephala.
Mora's enemies are said to be Urbanarm and Vermina, and his summoning day is the fifth
of the first seed.
And next week we will go over the rest of them.
Yeah.
We'll start off with the Hercene.
Hercene.
Hercene will be the next one.
I remember just walking around with those fucking fat ass black books.
Couldn't even fucking read them.
I know.
No title or anything.
Damn.
It's a lovely, I just love like, that would be my career if I lived in like the Eldritch
Rolls.
Yeah.
Would be an antique book collector.
An antique book collector.
Hell yeah.
Like you're finding like an old, like the first volume of a book deep in the fucking ruins
of an old temple.
Yeah.
Like I forgot the book and I take it back to my appraiser.
It's like, my God, this is the seventh volume of Ceridius Pluton.
And he told me, he spoke of astrology and astronomy.
He was a genius at mathematics too.
And I'd be like, oh cool.
And I just fucking flipped through it.
It's just like, oh fuck it.
You just do a dick for some reason.
I wonder what this bitch is.
She just got bored.
Or they're interpreting something completely different from the book than what it is.
Like that's a cock.
That's a solar ring.
That's a cock.
That's a cock ring.
Or sneak into some fucking mansion from some rich guy that instilled what his rare volume
of like some fiction story written by some author.
Yeah.
Just, at least it would add like more book stuff.
Yeah.
If I got my Scaram, I'd probably mod the fuck out of it to include every book from the other
games.
Yeah.
That's not in the...
Because there are a lot missing, right?
Yeah.
They always have like a general library of what they all get.
And then somebody gets like a specific book, like a specific listing of books that only
came out in Oblivion, only came out in Merwin.
I think there's some that are from Daggerfall.
And then what was the first one, Arena?
Yeah.
I don't know if Arena had all that extra stuff.
I think Arena was just a straightforward boring game.
Right.
Just regular...
Not really a true, true RPG game.
And I don't think so.
Then Daggerfall wasn't really that true an RPG game either.
But you can go like damn near everywhere.
It's all over Tamriel, but it was all just generic fucking generated like backgrounds.
Morrowind was the first one I think that actually had the lore and everything associated with
it.
But man, just I would add every book to Scaram from the original stuff to missing.
Yeah.
Just be looking for all of them.
If I had a backpack like probably 800 pounds, it's just books.
You get your encumbrance?
Of course.
It's all because of books.
So I leave this one.
I got to read this one first and I just drop it.
All right.
Ready to move into some Reddit for today?
Yeah.
I know everybody's missed Reddit, sir.
The stupidity of these people.
All right.
First one is by DeadDoolash.
DeadDoolash?
Uh-huh.
It's first in puts.
Recently, my TV broke, so I decided it would be cool to replace it with a projector.
Burn my house down.
I know.
A few days ago, the projector arrived and I spent a few hours setting it up and playing
around with it.
Then I had the bright idea to put it on one of those videos made for cats, the ones with
insects, lasers, and mice, etc.
To see how my cat would react.
She fucking loved it.
Ripped it to shreds.
She fucking loved it.
Naturally, I let her watch for about an hour before turning it off that night.
She protested a little, but nothing too serious.
The meowing?
Yeah.
At least not compared to what was coming.
Over the next few days, I foolishly let her watch the projector a few more times, thinking
it was hilarious how she got excited about her new toy.
However, as soon as, however, as time went on, she started to get a bit more vocal, growling
and meowing to me to get my attention.
I soon realized it was because of the ads.
She was throwing tantrums because she couldn't stand waiting for the ads.
Everyone else?
Now she complains whenever I turn it off.
Or if she gets interrupted in bonus points, my YouTube now thinks I'm a cat.
So the title of it is, Today I fucked up by turning my cat into an iPad kid.
Jesus man.
Even they can't stand the ads.
They got ads in the fucking pause when you pause the damn video.
Yeah.
Ads and ads.
Yeah, but you don't pay for YouTube bread though, do you?
Nope.
It used to be called YouTube bread now that I think it's what a YouTube premium.
I can space out for a few seconds.
See, I did it for the YouTube for Google music because it was a bundle thing for a long time.
Cool.
All right.
Next one is by Shroom Talk.
This person puts, I guess I'll put the part that you hate the most, the 19 year old female.
Had no plans Friday night and decided to take a edible and go see the last showing of Aliens
Romulus at 1030 PM.
By myself.
Fucking genius, bro.
When that fucking seven foot nine goddamn alien fucking creeps out of the fucking corridor
by trip balls.
By myself, like any sane and normal person would do.
I'd say I made it about halfway through the movie till I tapped out.
The chairs at AMC are really comfortable by the way.
I can't sleep.
Anyway, I wake up at the most confused state of my life.
Takes me about 30 seconds to realize that a the movie's over.
B it's about 1 30 AM and C I'm all alone in the building is completely shut down.
Not an employee inside.
Wait, then don't they always go in and check the after wandering around this liminal space
while being absolutely baked.
I finally found an exit door that takes you out to the back of the parking lot out of
the back of the building.
I keep walking around the exterior of the building for what feels like a decade trying
to find the entrance.
Jesus.
Then all of a sudden I see what I think is at least the last three employees getting into
the cars to leave.
This story wouldn't be as funny if it wasn't for coming across them and hearing them talk
to each other about how they were swear they checked the back seats of every place everywhere
because of her walking around.
No words were exchanged between us as I walked past and shambles just complete silence.
Anyway, that experience alone was scarier than the movie itself.
Could not stop laughing about it on my way home though.
Edit.
Just to clarify to those who are concerned I live in a college city where places are
walkable driving is not the only means of transportation.
So she walked home right because people were probably putting in the comments like really
and you drove after all that shit.
Because people are stupid.
All right next one is by a CGI for ants.
Okay.
First of all, I am an incredibly oblivious person.
My own parents once switched up a rug I love to lay on and it took me over half a year
to notice it.
So anyway, as I've gotten older I started to drink coffee.
As I've gotten broker I went from a Jollica 50 cans to a Starbucks instant coffee and
then finally I began questioning why I was sticking with this brand whenever which was
small that I couldn't always find in a store.
I saw a large container of coffee it looked cool enough and I'd gotten gone through two
batches of this over the past year.
While I didn't drink coffee ritualistically there was still an entire 365 days of me not
realizing anything was up.
Around this time I started hearing more people talk about getting Keurigs which I thought
were strange since you could just use instant coffee and a kettle.
I just thought it was one of those new trendy things which they kind of are but you know
the Keurig instant pot little coffee makers.
Little like one shot to...
Yeah.
So here's the routine I stuck to.
Add coffee then add boiling water and maybe creamer.
I mainly needed it to wake up and over time the bitter flavor, hot water and the crunchiness
grew on me.
I just thought the Starbucks coffee was extra nice and that's why it was so smooth and
that this was what people meant whenever they brought up instant coffee.
I've heard of coffee filters before but they were for whenever you were using fancy whole
beans or making Christmas snowflake decor.
Eventually, just as I was starting to feel done with the game of waiting for the coffee
grounds to sink and avoiding whatever side of the mug had some floaters, I came across
a TikTok hack.
It mentioned mixing creamer in cold water or cold water into the instant coffee so that
it dissolves smoother.
Dissolves.
But I thought it was only then that I realized that instant coffee was supposed to dissolve
and that coffee should never come out with extra crunch.
What I had been drinking for the past year was coffee grounds, raw and unfiltered.
What's in all?
I didn't even question it.
He said crunching.
I'm like I didn't even realize that you don't start the crunch in your coffee.
Yeah.
It's a liquid.
Yes.
Because I don't drink coffee at all.
So he's just been eating fucking coffee.
So he's been getting like Folger's coffee.
Yeah.
He's just been getting tubs of it, pouring some into some water thinking that it's dissolving
partially.
Right.
But it is brewing because hot water brews the coffee obviously.
But it's the coffee grounds he's drinking those things there.
Wow.
Getting that little fucking extra jolt of energy I guess.
Fucking chewing it like fucking tobacco.
Alright, next one is by Afraid Stick 2161.
This person pits.
A few years ago I saw some advice online.
Someone had posted a meme about feeling like they had a brain crayon up their ass because
no matter how much they wiped the TP was never clean.
Oh yeah like those fucking endless wipes.
The worst is when you have no friction like you know it's gonna be a bad one.
Even a little bit of friction because you know you're rubbing shit off.
When you don't feel nothing like oh no.
The worst is when it's like clean.
And then on the second wipe it's dirty again.
Man what the fuck.
We've all been there.
Someone left a helpful tip in the comments and it went something along the lines of pro
tip.
Spread your ass cheeks apart whenever you sit on the toilet.
The seat will hold them open so your butthole points directly at the water and you won't
have to deal with shit stuck between your cheeks.
Really cuts down on the TP usage.
Okay.
So for the past seven years I've been doing just that.
And it really does work.
I've been counting on one I can count on one hand the amount of times I've been stuck with
the endless wipe.
But alas that was a mistake.
For the past few days my butthole hasn't been feeling right.
It's uncomfortable and sometimes even painful to sit shit or wipe.
I use my phone camera to take a picture.
Look at my mildly prolapsed ass.
Jesus man.
Also he's just been like you've keeping it like it's been pushed out because of the way
he's been sitting on it.
Yeah.
I don't take anything or anyone up my ass.
I don't frequently strain to poop.
I can't think of anything else that could have caused this apart from exposing my asshole
to the porcelain throne one too many times.
I guess the human body simply isn't meant to shit like that.
I defeated the I defeated the curse of endless wiping but at what cost?
My poor butthole is suffering.
I've read your butthole open as of what clip the cost.
I'm too embarrassed to schedule a doctor's appointment.
I've made my bed of pristine toilet paper and now I'm just laying in it.
They've seen way worse.
It's never been bad to go to the doctor.
Yeah.
You can have a fucking crayon stuck up there.
You really got a crayon huh?
But then they have an edit and it says thank you to all those who are more medically knowledgeable
than me.
I didn't know that a thumb roast hemorrhoid was.
I thought it was a I thought there had to be blood for it to be a hemorrhoid.
Still sucks but at least I can try the preparation H and it's not a prolapsed anus.
So they scared themselves basically.
Yeah.
They just got a hemorrhoid.
But they put the whole thing about how they spread their butt cheeks first.
Yeah don't do that.
You spread your cheeks apart and stuff.
I mean man what you said I go so what you do you grab a piece of tape you put it on
the end of your butt one butt cheek and then you stretch it across to your fucking thigh.
There that's one that cheek spread.
Take the other fucking cheek you do the same thing and then you sit on the toilet.
Now you got both your butt cheeks spread.
It's basically like the same damn shit he's trying to say.
Yes.
Don't do that.
I'm sorry.
The next one is by adeptbuffalo3874.
This person puts.
Today I moved the last bit of stuff from my old apartment and after having a long day
I wanted to unwind.
So I sat down by my laptop by the only table I have and went to my ordinary site for adult
content after searching through the cardboard box to find my setup and after zipping and
getting down to business I realized that the bed sheet I've been placing to cover the one
massive window in my new apartment might not be enough to cover my private areas.
How did this epiphany come to me at this moment you may ask?
Well I had left the window slightly open since it gets incredibly hot in here and I heard
my new neighbor on the other side of the lawn with a balcony facing me say I think he's
masturbating.
I would just fucking move because you can never go outside and see this person face
to face you know.
You've just been fucking whacking your shit off and they fucking I bet she's fucking
choking on that.
And then thereafter another voice speaks.
Oh fuck.
It's two of them.
So now I gotta kill two people.
Yeah you can see the silhouette.
Oh my these just fucking.
Over there the hunched over like schmigel.
Time to fucking get a night job so they never see you in the day.
I quickly stopped what I was doing.
He's in the last line.
I haven't been hard since.
Well the funny part is to picture this though.
You see the person just looking towards the silhouette and he's just going to tell you
talking to your friend.
Like yeah I think he is masturbating.
I guess I can see his silhouette.
And then you just see the silhouette stop.
That's super quick.
So I guess he's done.
Does he even put I quickly stop.
They stealing his thing.
Who's that?
Stop what I was doing and now I am sitting here in my one room apartment wide awake among
cardboard boxes Ikea bags and garbage bags full of clothes and contemplating my life
decisions.
Unfortunately I can't move one once more.
Whatever I just newly arrived here.
And then the TLDR is I almost rubbed one out of my neighbor saw my silhouette through the
window.
Make sure you know why is he backlighting himself.
That's the weird part.
That's where he put the one lamp.
Oh yeah put that I guess yeah you got to put it the other way.
Put it in front of the curtain and then it wouldn't silhouette you at all.
But hey man he's not a cinematographer so he's lost his house.
Fuck.
No this one's just weird.
This person puts whenever I was 13 or 14 I didn't know how to masturbate.
Who does?
A dude.
I used to put objects up my ass for pleasure.
It begins with it began with pins marbles etc.
I really wanted a butt plug but my mom regularly checked the online purchases and there was
no way I was going to buy a physical sex shop.
So again this is when he's 13 or 14.
I would do yeah.
Nobody's gonna let you in there dumbass.
You look like you're looking 35 looking.
You probably look the oldest fuck looking.
You got a 45 year old man.
I used to have a huge box of Lego in my room so I figured dude.
I just built my own fucking build up.
I could go and make my DIY butt plug toys.
I made some long cylinder shapes that I would put in my butt.
An oil container that I used to put cooking oil in.
It uses lube.
And the most important the butt plug.
I used a ball shaped Lego part that was supposed to be a rock and a circular part for the base.
I even put glitter glue based at the edge of the base to make it feel more real.
Crafty fucking masturbation.
Geez these are going fucking cool.
I know with Lego and shit.
Now I have learned from my previous mistakes whenever I almost lost a marble up my ass
so I secured the base so that it would not fall off.
I used to have this plug in all the time from whenever I was going to parties, the beach
or walks etc.
Jesus Christ.
Again.
Quite the freak.
Dude he's already a freak at this age.
Well you don't know like how far the history goes into the future.
That's what I'm saying.
Like he said he started at 13, 14 but he must have like progressed to like probably in his
20s now.
Maybe.
He's going out to parties and you know.
No apparently not.
The night before summer break in 7th grade I was having a shower and had left the plug
laying on the pants on the floor.
Suddenly my mom barges into the bathroom and says something that I don't remember and she
looks at my pants on the floor obviously seeing the butt plug and awkwardly telling me to
remember to pick up my pants.
I went to bed immediately after the shower embarrassed as hell and the next morning I
destroyed my butt plug and made another Lego butt plug toy and every other Lego butt toy
that I had ever made.
So he made multiples of these motherfuckers of Legos.
It's a goddamn Mark 27 like fucking Iron Man.
After that day my family started to tell me from time to time that they support me and
whatever I am whatever gender I love they have barely ever talked about that before
this.
Like I'm not gay and I am still not.
Hey some guys love butt play.
And then there's an edit where it says anyone know any websites that I can recreate it?
What a fucking Lego why don't you just make another one?
He's wanting to know where he got the parts.
The Lego parts apparently for old stuff.
Where's the old Lego parts I need to make my own fucking doodles?
I was taught Legos were fucking hard like rough shit like shaped you know like edges
and shit like how the fuck did he get a fucking smooth one?
Yeah well there's an edit too.
What if that shit down?
To clarify whenever I used to take it out it usually had poop on it and that was the
state my mom saw it in.
Yeah.
Then the first comment is I'm the one who decided to open Reddit today it's my fault
for saying it.
And now everybody else has to hear it too.
Next one is by I swear not a fetish.
So it's a fact.
About to get some wild fucking shit we're about to hear.
Well wild but I guess not the craziest you've ever heard from this.
Spurs and Pits I am currently in complete disbelief because I really never thought this
could happen to me.
I mean for one I never have wet dreams and two to have one during a 10 minute nap is
crazy in my opinion.
God dang.
So earlier today I got off work late.
Must have been touched by Afrodyte herself.
Yeah by who?
Yeah like he's like er er er er.
Fuck him.
You know you wake up from a child's course like that's amazing with his pleasurable version.
So earlier today I got off work late and then I had to run some errands grocery shop and
what not leaving me pretty tired with not much time to sleep let alone beat it.
In fact.
Beat it.
In fact that's kind of how things have gone from the gone for the last week.
So I slept for about 5 hours before coming into work and woke up exhausted.
This is going to be your story.
Wake up fucking tired as fuck.
For the moment I woke up I knew I was in for a tough time at the job.
I drank my coffee and energy drinks but really I was looking forward to my lunch break.
I knew at lunch I could sneak off to my car and grab a nap.
So at lunch I hop into my car throw a jacket over my head and lay there for 15 minutes
without a second sleep.
A second of sleep.
Now my mind turns to thinking into a pretty lady I know and some of her features and before
I know it I'm asleep.
I had myself a great dream.
Very restful sleep until I wake up to the sensation of me cumming my pants.
Well you just did the Zipper just fucking tears he said.
Truly horrifying because I wear black pants.
I wore black pants today.
So it was pretty obvious what happened at least in my opinion.
So I text my boss and let her know that I have to run home because of an emergency.
So I go home and change and come back.
C-U-M.
Come.
Back.
A round trip taking about an hour.
For some reason I thought it was some acronym for something.
I wasn't even paying attention.
I just went by the way.
I think I'm fucking falling asleep too.
I just told you.
I wake up and I just.
What the fuck.
What if it's like a verbal trigger in men's brains.
So he had one and now there's a specific series of words he used.
Now pre-programmed in our brains.
Where everybody will.
Like every guy is just like oh what the fuck.
Anytime we take a nap we just fucking bust a nut.
So I go home and change and come back.
A round trip taking about an hour.
And return to an employee improvement plan.
I guess it took too long.
Employee improvement plan wow.
Yeah.
Because he took too long yeah.
Yeah because he busted a nut in his pants.
I don't want to just go I'm right back at the work.
So I had some you know it's a tartar sauce.
It's tartar sauce.
I ate fish in my car it's tartar sauce.
You have to come up with an excuse of some kind.
Hummus.
It just smells.
I just spilled hummus.
Plus he made it sound like he fucking dumped a fucking bucket load.
Like I'm pretty sure like a quick little probably just a little splatter.
Like he made it sound like he fucking just fucking let out a fucking.
He might have.
I don't know maybe he did.
Maybe it was a good dream who knows.
Maybe the shit was so powerful that shit just blew up.
I guess it was like back backage.
From all the other side because he was been too busy to do it at all.
Yeah.
So it wasn't like the fucking back age of like a backage.
The fucking nuts were just fucking all swollen up.
All right next one is by twinkle toes 171.
It's person puts.
So it's Labor Day which is basically a national holiday for doing absolutely nothing.
I woke up that morning feeling well rested and ready to tackle some serious couch time.
But as soon as I rolled out of bed I noticed a slight tweak in my neck.
No big deal right.
I figured it was just one of those things that would go away with time.
Like the questionable burrito I ate last week.
Spoiler alert it didn't.
I mean I woke up with it like where your neck is like kinked or whatever and throughout
the day it's like it just free sets itself.
Yeah.
Fast forward three days the pain levels turned taking a turn for the worse.
I finally decided I need to address this next situation.
I was optimistic as I walked into the urgent care thinking they'd probably just be like
just tell me to stretch a bit and send me on my way.
Instead I got you got AIDS.
What.
Instead after a quick examination of spinal X-ray the doctor drops the bomb.
Your C3 vertebrae has slipped.
Slip from fucking what.
From the fucking that way.
Cue the dramatic zoom in on my face as I mentally replay all my activities the day before the
pain started.
How did I cause a vertebrae to slip.
Being a like a confused stiff neck detective I'm just staring at the doctor while he's
explaining my options.
Don't ever twist your body while you sneeze that shit will fucking kill you.
You know when you're stretching you fucking sneeze all of a sudden in a weird angle your
fucking just body just like seizes.
Have you ever sneezed though so hard that your back just pops.
I sneeze so hard I've almost bruised a rib.
Remember when my back was killing me.
Yeah.
I was like if you sneeze and my body's like if you sneeze you're gonna fucking kill yourself.
All right.
See.
All right.
While he's explaining my options.
Steroid shots pain meds the whole nine years yards.
I barely registered the sounds around me as I start going down the what could I have what
could have caused this rabbit hole.
But I was so desperate for relief from the pain that I just said yes to it all.
Finally the doctor asks me with repeated urgency.
Can you think of anything unusual that might have happened the day before that could have
led to this.
At this point I'm racking my brain like I'm on a twisted episode of the price is right
and then it hit me or rather it slipped right into my mind a well timed a well aimed frisbee
that caught me totally off guard.
With realization surfacing I flashback to my earlier solo excitement sessions specifically
the epic stretch of a marathon two hour session fueled by an embarrassing mix of clitorature
and my go go gadget.
Joe Joy toy.
You see in my favorite quest for personal achievement I might have forgotten that my
body has limits and whenever I was getting spicy with my imagination I was also tensing
my neck with impossible fierceness that would have had people believing that I was she hawk
lifting the Empire State Building.
So here I am sitting in the urgent care feeling like a fool trying to figure out how to explain
to my mother whom I have been complaining to about my neck pain for days that I didn't
just injure myself but I literally slipped a vertebrae due to a hardcore self pleasure
session.
Yeah right like I'm taking this one to my grave.
I'm sure the doctor could see the wheels turning in my head I honestly have no idea I said
half laughing at the absurdity of it all but deep down I knew the truth I and the most
ironic sense of the phrase fucked up.
Moral of the story if you're going to engage in some heavy self love maybe take a break
and give yourself a stretch in between.
Keep it spicy folks but not so spicy that you end up in the urgent care not having to
dodge and explaining that vigorous activity caused your vertebrae to shift and remember
not every Labor Day needs to be the labor intensive.
Stay thirsty my friends.
It's kind of how it ended almost the same way.
Next one is by excellentad7332 this person puts.
About 13 months ago or so I underwent a sleeve gastrectomy which is where a surgeon cuts
out the majority of your stomach so that you can't eat a lot of food anymore.
That's for very obese people.
This is a pretty big surgery and they put you through a lot of tests before you're allowed
to have it.
Once these tests one of these tests is a gastroscopy yeah.
That's whenever they sedate you and put a camera down your throat to look at your stomach.
Or it's like a GI an upper GI thing yeah.
I was walking to the hospital whenever I realized that I had to maybe have a walk more you wouldn't
have to walk to the hospital.
It's true very true.
So I was walking to the hospital whenever I realized that I had to have a big and long
meeting with the toilet but that wasn't anything new since I always had the urge whenever I
got a bit nervous.
Happens before every job interview as well.
So I think yeah I can do this after the gastro gastroscopy.
I go to the room lay down then get sedated.
An instant later to me I wake up and was ushered into the wake up room since my gastroscopy
was over and they found no issues.
I sat down in the wake up room and waited.
That's whenever I feel my behind was very wet and muddy.
Wait he shits himself some more?
He shit himself while he was under.
Yeah.
An instant later oh sorry if we rate the consistency on a scale of one to five which one is a stone
and five is pure water.
I would rate it a two and a half.
Imagine mashed potatoes.
That's more like a three.
Mashed potatoes is not solid at all unless you have like full fucking potatoes still
in there.
Naturally I quickly jumped over my seat and lo and behold my pants even left a wet stain
on the chair.
Jesus man.
In the end I walked to the nurse.
Didn't the doctors notice?
Apparently not.
They just laid out on his back I guess.
In the end I walked to the nurse told her what happened and asked her where the toilet
was.
I fucking shitted myself.
The nurse looked very weirdly at me and directed me to the toilet.
How come while you're a nurse you've seen this shit all the time?
I cleaned everything up as well as I could and went home.
So he sat in mashed potato consistency shit.
Mashed potatoes is more like a thing I swear it's more of a three.
Maybe like fucking a stone red would be like a pine cone.
Then two would be like a smooth stone and then three would be like mashed potatoes.
Four would be a fucking like a soup with like rice in it.
So what's a five then?
Five is a fucking puddle.
Like you know that nasty water you see on the fucking side of the road after a heavy
rain the next day?
Yeah.
So he did that.
He's fucking straight fucking water.
So what the four stone has chunks?
What?
Four stone has chunks in it and five is just pure fucking liquid.
I think that's a good description there.
See exactly so it would be a three because it's still kind of solid but it's not too
solid.
Yeah.
And two is like you know still like one is a fucking rough pass.
Like just pure fucking dry fucking logs.
Fucking fire would be running through your asshole.
So two and a half should technically be a perfect shit.
Yes.
You don't want it too hard or you don't want it too wet.
Yeah.
You need the perfect moisture.
But if it's too if it's too fucking wet you'll get hemorrhoids or you'll get anal fissures.
If it's too hard you'll get anal fissures.
But that perfect fucking the mix of wet and dry like like dog food that perfect wet and
dry.
Tiger II I guess we want your shit to be.
So that way you don't destroy your hole.
Exactly.
All right and last one for today is by depth 187 187.
This person puts I work as a prep cook for a southern based seafood restaurant in northwest
Louisiana and we do brunch on Saturday and Sunday mornings.
I make three sheet trays of bacon but I place raised grills on them so the bacon is crispy.
Smart.
Well my screw up occurred whenever I got the last tray out and turned to put it on the
table.
Due to the raised grill the bacon grease splashed off the tray and onto my left arm.
Ouch.
It hurt.
So I dropped the tray and ran water over the spot but after my supervisor saw what happened
he immediately said to go to the emergency room.
Eat the hell out of me.
I'm currently in the emergency room getting painkillers and burn cream.
Probably going to be off a couple of days to recover.
The weird part is it smells like bacon in here.
I might have flash fried my arm.
I have pigs if the sub will let me post but it's already blistered and popped so it's
pretty gross.
Also fuck brunch.
Jesus man he burned that quick?
Yeah.
That'd be like just a quick little burn you know.
No he poured grease.
Oh it fell on this okay.
Yeah it's not.
It like splashed a little bit like when you fucking cook some shit on you.
No it's just.
You gotta back up a little bit.
He says the grease splashed off of the tray but I'm assuming it was probably.
It must have been a good chunk of it.
Yeah like a good pour.
Yeah ouch.
It's like he flash fried your arm.
Yeah.
There was one time where I think I told the story before where I had the water on that
hot tube for too long and I went to go wash my hands and it was like why is this cold
but like not cold.
Yeah.
And I was like oh yeah I'm burning my fucking hands.
That's how hot it was.
Yeah.
And it didn't register as hot at first.
It registered as cold.
Yeah and I was like wow what is wrong with this water.
It's almost the same like the opposite can be true too where you can get something so
cold it feels like it's burning.
Yeah.
So yeah your mind plays like when your mind is like what the fuck is this.
I don't understand.
Yeah I could definitely see that.
Fucking limbo.
And then like then like then like it finally like like I guess it like stunted my fucking
nervous system because it took a second like then when I reached my brain I was like this
is fucking hot and not hot hot this is fucking boiling hot.
Did it leave any kind of blisters or anything.
No I moved my hand too quick.
The mad shit fucking hot.
Just enough.
Yeah I didn't have any problem.
Probably left a red mark though at least.
Yeah that was fucking bright red.
I'm like damn that fucking hurt.
And Reddit they post some stupid shit.
Reddit Reddit.
You sit and mash potatoes.
You teach your cat to be a spoiled child even more than what it already is.
Because cats are little fuckers as it is.
You find out about Lego pieces and their ability to transform into anything.
You can make anything your imagination can come up with.
Their motto of build your imagination is.
Oh I sure will.
And next you're gonna see a Lego blow up doll.
Just cut yourself all of them.
They probably put like a fucking like actual like flesh light in the middle though.
I don't know.
So it would lock in place.
It would lock in place.
Don't put it past some of these people.
They'll build anything.
If you build it I'll fuck it.
That should be the new scientist motto.
If we can build it we can fuck it.
That would be fucking insane.
We'll build it.
Would you fuck it though?
Anything else to add before we head out tonight?
No I guess I'm good.
Cool.
Time to hit the hay.
Again sorry guys for the couple of weeks that we've taken off but we're back now.
We're back and we're better than ever.
We're sorry if you didn't mess us.
If you didn't mess us guess who's back.
Your worst nightmare.
Alright well with that we will see you guys on the next one.