Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noé.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment podcast covering your favorite or none of the movies,
games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
If you'd like to support us on BuyMeACoffee.com, it is BuyMeACoffee.com forward slash K-O-E
podcast.
Let's go ahead and get started.
All right.
So we are back to The White-Eyes Kid Juno, one of my old, I guess, favorite sketch shows.
I didn't know how nostalgic it was until I started rewatching the whole season again
on Tubi.
And it's like, wow, this is highly enjoyable.
It's also funny how much you remember and how much of stuff like, oh yeah, I remember
that some of the gross stuff you don't like.
So we've done the first two seasons.
This is not a clip show, by the way.
Don't tell us you've been had in the comments.
This is a talk show where we talk about what we enjoyed.
And this does not go for anybody listening on a podcast because you guys aren't getting
video anyway.
Right.
Some dude is on the fucking YouTube channel.
I've been had.
And then me too.
Like how many of you have been had if those fucking videos are only 28 minutes long?
The episodes are 24 minutes on their own.
So I just matched five episodes at fucking four times speed.
Is what you're telling me?
These are fucking brains for once.
I swear, man, dumb people make me mad.
All right.
So this is season one, episode one through five.
So it's going to be a talk about my favorite skits of those particular episodes.
And out of the group, Sam, he had out of like the five episodes, he has three on here.
Oh really?
Of his skits.
He had a banger after banger for three straight episodes.
I'm like, wow.
Like Sam really hit a peak on these first five episodes of the season.
So in the first episode, there's a commercial called Feline Delights about how this new
food for the cat would make your cat more amorous to make it more amorous or more receptive
to your affection.
So basically this woman's fucking her cat after the cat eats the Feline Delights.
It starts like a regular cat thing, like a regular cat commercial.
And then it gets creepy right when they start banging the cat.
I'm talking about like cowgirl riding a cat.
Oh my God.
You don't see that.
You see the girl riding.
You don't see anything underneath her because of the VCR.
But that's the implication there.
And so the commercial, it's got another main cast in it.
It's like two actresses.
So it cuts from that to a woman and a cat sitting on their couch.
And like in the commercial, the woman was all dressed up in lingerie, looking all sexy
and all that.
And in the cut to the house, the cat and the woman, she's like doing her pajamas.
It's like a regular night in watching TV.
And the cat looks over at the, after watching the commercial, looks over at the table in
the kitchen.
So you can see it from the couch in the living room.
And you see the box of Feline Delights.
And the cat gets mad and leaves.
And the girl tries to explain, like, I didn't know about the commercial.
I didn't mean that.
Don't lean.
Like she puts her hand on her head because she knew she fucked up.
So then she's gonna have to figure out how to explain to the cat.
You know what I mean?
It made it seem like a relationship trope.
Well, like there's trouble in the relationship.
Yeah, but it's like the relationship trope and the cat lady thing.
Yeah.
And I was like, what the fuck is going on in this first episode?
All right.
So on episode two, this is, it is Trevor and Timmy.
Trevor is playing the straight character.
By that I mean it's the one that's not the comedy relief.
Like a straight character in Bits is the one that kind of heightens the comedy by being
like the normal reaction.
I guess that's hard to explain comedy sometimes.
How do you explain comedy really?
Yeah.
So he's a straight character and Timmy is the comedy character.
And for whatever reason, they always put Timmy in a shirtless seat.
He's always fucking shirtless because he's just like, he's got this fucking, like, he's
like, he looks like he's thin, right?
Arms are thin, legs are thin, face is thin, but he's got like a beard gut.
Like he's got a gut on him.
That's like, God dang, Timmy.
So Trevor's saying that he's playing a doctor and Timmy is there for the checkup.
And he asked Timmy, cause they had just got the blood work bag and he's like, Timmy, how
many, in a single day, how many hot dogs would you say you eat?
And Timmy's like, in a single day, hot dogs?
So yeah, like he tells him like, let's go through a little like exercise, starting with
the morning and going into the night.
Let's go hour by hour and tell me how many hot dogs you think you eat in a day.
And he's like, I don't know, maybe seven, seven hot dogs.
Yeah.
Is that high?
It's a little bit high.
Like, why don't you like, and then they go through a little exercise.
So for breakfast, I eat, you know, I wake up, brush my teeth, you know, take a shower before
we eat two hot dogs.
And they're like, okay, two hot dogs for breakfast and he writes it, Trevor writes it down.
And he's like, yeah, two hot dogs for breakfast.
And then I hop into work and wait, wait, Timmy, before you go into work, does anything happen
on the way from your house, job?
He's like, well, on the way to the subway, there is a hot dog stand and I get another
hot dog.
Oh, so three hot dogs.
Well, yeah, you know, cause you know, cause that was my first hot, no, you had hot dogs
for breakfast.
And I was like, well, those don't really count.
This is like a snack hot dog or you know, he's trying to like, trying to justify hot
dogs.
So then I was like, all right, so what goes on Timmy?
And during work, sometimes I work, I work so hard and so long, so many hours that sometimes
I just completely blow through lunch.
I don't even have anything.
So I really, Timmy, well, I think I did that one time.
Like, all right, Timmy, so what do you eat for lunch at your job?
And he's like, you know, a salad or, you know, a healthy chicken sandwich or something.
And like, really Timmy, is that what you eat?
No.
What do you eat for lunch?
How many hot dogs Timmy do you eat for lunch?
And I don't know, man, one to three or four, three or four, huh?
It better is better go with four.
So four hot dogs.
Well, I don't know Timmy, it's lunchtime and we're already at seven hot dogs.
You really think you did?
Is that you sure?
You said seven hot dogs in a day, but you're already at seven and it's only lunchtime.
He's like, yeah, that number's probably a little low.
So he must be fucking just down in hot dogs.
I love the fact, to me, I love the fact that he eats so many fucking hot dogs, it showed
up on a blood test.
You know what I mean?
Like he's just consuming hot dogs like an animal.
Because aside from like, we're like the only creatures I can think of that needs like a
diverse diet to stay healthy.
A dog could eat the same fucking dry and wet dog food for the rest of his life and be fine.
Bears?
That's not the only thing I can think of.
It's not in my head anyway.
But man, like lions, they just eat me.
I guess if you count the type of animal they eat.
I caught a boar today, yesterday I caught a, we actually got a hippo.
It took the whole pride to catch a hippo all the lions.
I mean, we've only been eating antelope for a while.
You know, we finally got us a hippo.
A couple of hyenas we caught.
They even eat them their own actually.
When there was a battle between males one time in some brutal ass video.
These three lions jumped one male lion and one of them broke the male lion's spine and
he fucking passed on the ate him.
I'm like, God dang, nature's wild as fuck.
And yet we have vegans that think that cats are vegetarians.
And fuck no, they will eat you and not give a fuck.
They will eat your baby in front of you and not, you can't, they will fucking kill you
without a second thought.
This ain't a Disney movie.
No.
It's a movie that might not kill you as a dog.
Right.
And I said, they like you or is there just that nature?
Like, uh, like, uh, what was the dog's name?
A Hachiko from Japan.
You've heard that story.
I'm sure one that stayed on the fucking train tracks, the subway to like that was a, that
was a loyal dog.
Right.
But your cat don't give a fuck.
I mean more like wild animals.
They would not care at all.
I just, I mean even domestic.
You think that cat care, let that cat not eat food for a few days.
Probably eat your fucking hair off.
Exactly.
I do love cats though.
All right.
So episode three, uh, this is the beginning of the, the Sam run.
Uh, he has this, he starts trying to develop telekinesis just with his mind, like to move
objects with his mind.
And he starts with a simple pen that at first moves just a little bit.
And then over time he gets to go up and down like considerably.
Yeah.
And you can like, you can truly tell he's got telekinesis and what did he do with his
great fucking power?
He fucking jacks himself off.
I didn't even think that would, you know what I mean?
It's one of those things you never thought about.
Like when you do, you're like, oh yeah, I guess that would be a, it's funny cause he's
laying back in bed, right?
So someone had to actually go up and down on the pillow on the blanket cause he's got
the blanket covering and just stroking it up and he's like, Oh, Oh yeah.
Hell yeah.
All right, so on episode four, we have two of his, cause they were that good.
I didn't, I didn't know which one to pick.
I guess the second one's better, but the first one's kind of unexpected.
So it's called scapeful, the skip.
And it's basically Sam just fucking eats it after trying to do this little trick on a
skateboard and like he fucking just, he just, he's screaming, he's crying.
He's mad.
These two teenagers run up to him and see if he's okay, right?
They don't say anything to him.
And then he just started saying all this stuff that I'm done with this shit.
I can't stand this fuck, fuck skateboarding, fuck all that.
And he throws his skateboard out in the fucking parking lot and he fucking goes to his car
and his fucking wife and kid are in the car waiting for him.
And he's a grown ass man, skateboarding with a bunch of teenagers.
He's like, I can't stand this shit anymore.
And he fucking drives off.
He's still cussing and swearing and the teens look at each other.
You think he'll be back?
He'll be back.
They can't feel like they can't get rid of him apparently.
He'll be back.
He's going to come back tomorrow.
Try again.
The next one is his better skit.
It's called The Most Loveliest Bride.
He dresses up as a woman and his husband, Trevor, is like, they dressed up more now.
He's got a gray wig, a gray mustache.
So they dress up more like a different character than they used to.
They used to be like an implied different character, like a slight mustache maybe.
And Trevor's mad.
He's driving the car.
Fucking Sam's in the trap adj.
He's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just excited to tell, right?
Because they're going to go see The Most Loveliest Bride.
This movie that came out.
And she's having the ball and he's fucking upset because I guess his wife's unbearable.
It sounds like it just by listening to her just go, yeah, all the time.
They have a car accident and fucking Sam wakes up from being knocked out because she got
thrown from the car and the car is all fucked up.
And she's like, I gotta go see The Most Loveliest Bride.
She starts dragging herself to look for her husband and only finds his head.
He's like, no.
And he throws the head away.
Like, I gotta go see The Most Loveliest Bride.
And Zach comes in as a paramedic and tries to stop her from moving around, trying to
hurt herself even more.
And Timmy has to come in and help him subdue her.
He's a cop or dressed as a cop.
And they sedate her.
And she just keeps going, I gotta go see The Most Loveliest Bride.
It fucking knocks her out, you think.
And then when Timmy and Zach untense themselves, she fucking springs up and with her mouth
rips out a piece of Zach's neck.
She's like, somehow grabs Timmy's gun, gets up and she's like, nobody move.
I'm gonna go see The Most Loveliest Bride.
And no one's stopping me.
And she just fucking runs off into the fucking darkness.
And then it cuts to her in the theater watching The Most Loveliest Bride.
She is fucking cut up.
She's got blood everywhere.
She's eating popcorn.
And she's like, oh, she's laughing at The Most Loveliest Bride.
She is The Most Loveliest Bride.
It's fucking randomly absurd.
Her husband's dead, bear in mind, not like 30 minutes ago.
And she's over here watching a movie while The Most Loveliest Bride.
That movie had to have been good.
Yeah, it's The Most Loveliest Bride.
Most Loveliest Bride.
I love the fucking title to The Most Loveliest Bride.
Dramatically horrible.
Yes, but it's adorable.
Number five, again, we got Sam.
Sam is working now, episode five, he's working as a dominatrix.
So he's a fugitive.
And Trevor's her trainer.
And Zach is the subject, I guess.
And he's tied up in one of those X type, you know, those X bars?
Yeah, they tie one hand and one hand together and the legs on the other end.
He's just hanging there.
And he comes in, Sam and Trevor come in, and Trevor's trying to explain how you do things
in the dungeon.
And fucking Sam just goes up to Zach and fucking socks him in the face as hard as he can,
hits him so hard he forgets his safe word.
I don't remember my safe word.
You punched me so hard I forgot my safe word.
And he starts fucking screaming, help, help me, I don't know mine, because now he wants
to, but he doesn't remember his safe word, so they're not going to stop.
So Trevor's like, you can't, you have to like, you can't just hit him.
And you got to like surprise him or, you know, do all this stuff.
It's got to be pain and pleasure.
So he goes back up and punches him again.
He's surprised.
He's like, ahhh.
Fucking Zach cut his soul in so well.
He's like, oh my God.
So then he's like, no, you got to like, you know, first you slap them and then you tick
their, tickle their nipples, something fun.
Oh, and then Sam, they play, they made Sam look like a, Sam look like a, he's like, oh
good.
Goes back up and fucking socks him for the third time and then kisses him on the cheek
and he's like, ahhh.
Just, just, the funniest thing about the skit is he just walks up and fucking punches him
in the face and Zach's like, I'm done, I'm done.
You can just fucking cut me down.
It was like, that was the, imagine if that didn't happen with the dominated tricks people
where they just go up and just smack them.
I'm done.
Pepper corn and they just cut me down.
That's my save word, peppercorn.
Pepper corn.
Cut me down.
There's a bonus one to episode five with just Trevor by himself.
He's a dad, he's mowing the lawn and he runs over something with his lawnmower, like bad,
like the fucking, you know, with the lawnmower, like he just goes.
He's like, oh shit.
He pulled, he fucking licks it.
Let's go to the little bar.
The lawnmower turns off and he fucking pulls it out of the way.
We never see, cause we're only looking at it from the POV of the lawnmower.
So we're looking up at Trevor.
So we never see what he sees when he pulls it up.
He's like, oh shit.
So then he goes to his son like, hey son, you might get the dog and come down to dinner.
Your mom's calling us for dinner.
So go find the dog.
And the kid goes and finds the dog and he finds the fucking dog hanging from a noose
with a no saying that he killed himself.
Cause Trevor had ran over the dog and made it look like a suicide.
He's like, what the fuck son?
I told you you gotta feed the dog.
He killed himself.
Are you happy with yourself?
He just fucking gas lit his son.
Then he just walked away.
That's fucked up.
It is fucked up.
It's fucked up and it's funny.
Yep.
So that is it for one through five of season three.
We'll do season three, five or six to 10 and next week.
Hope you enjoy the way it's going to know.
I know I do.
That's all I have.
All right.
Well, apparently you've already seen this book before, but we got a couple of things
from it.
It's called, I memorized it.
The complete worst case scenario, survival handbook dating and sex.
Wait, let me see if I remember this.
Is there one where like if you feel so bad from flatulence and you bend over in the bathroom
and you just fucking blow it out.
It tried to give you like normal stuff like, oh, eat some peppermint.
But then like he just said, if you got no choice, just go to the bathroom, get on all
fours and stick your ass up and just blow your cheeks out.
It's kind of like that.
I don't know if that exact one's in here, but there are some crazy ass ones in here.
It was by a book by David, uh, Morgan itched, uh, Joshua Piven and Ben H. Winters.
It's not like a fucking fantasy writers name.
My name is Ben H. Winters.
I wrote the, I wonder what wrote the everlasting series.
I chose a couple of different little categories here.
Like one of them is, um, the most inappropriate music for sex.
These are songs that you do.
These are songs you don't play.
Is it one of them?
I don't know.
The clown musical.
No, the first one is a puff.
The magic dragon.
You don't want to play that.
You want to play a Scooby Doo.
Where are you?
Why not?
The super Mario brothers theme.
The Imperial March, the Star Wars one.
Yeah.
Imagine trying to fuck.
It's so horrible.
I would be the weird nerd be like, uh, baby, I took you out to dinner.
I was Anakin taking you to bed.
I'm Darth Vader.
She fucking leaves that night.
Fuck this.
No word spoken.
I just see her in the car, peel out of the parking lot.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
You don't want to play that.
You don't want to play the Star Spangled Banner.
That might not be great.
You might be patriotic.
How dare they?
Assume.
You don't want to play.
Oh, sad.
We both get up from a butt ass and they get their hands over our hearts.
That shit would be funny though.
That would be hilarious.
You want to play Old McDonald had a farm.
What if we were banging on a farm?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I guess so.
Who let the dog?
That would be a fun song.
Who let the dog?
But what if she's like a play?
What if, you know that one song like you and me, baby ain't nothing but mammals.
That song.
Let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.
Getting horny now.
You don't want to play.
It's a small world after all.
That would suck.
Achey breaky heart.
Don't tell you.
Isn't that Billy Ray Cyrus?
Yeah, the Miley Cyrus is the hat.
My angel brain.
You don't want to play All By Myself?
You do want to play that when you're masturbating.
Don't wanna be.
You remember that Mummy movie I told you about?
Yeah.
The song is in there.
Oh, god.
I think it is.
By the way, it's not on Disney Plus.
Oh, no?
You can only get it on DVD or VHS.
Of course.
That's the only movie they've purged from their fucking files apparently.
I don't know why.
You can see everything else.
Just not that one.
I don't remember.
I wonder if I even looked it up to see where you could see it.
That's the reboot.
The 2023 remake.
Okay, that makes more sense then.
You don't want to play The Final Countdown?
It's like right before.
The Final Countdown.
You gotta let her know when it's time.
You don't want to play You're Beautiful by James Blunt?
No.
You don't want to play The Most Annoying Song Ever?
You don't want to play the song Bad Day?
Mad Day?
You had a bad day.
You don't want to play Tie the Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Old Tree by Tony Orlando?
Never heard of that.
You don't want to play Puttin' on the Reds?
Oh, Puttin' on the Reds.
By Taco?
You also don't want to play Love Will Keep Us Together?
That would be kind of awkward.
You don't want to play Together Forever?
Together Forever.
By Rick Astley?
And you don't want to play You're Having My Baby by Paul Anka?
I don't know, some girls might be into that.
Some freaks.
The breeding ones.
The ones that are into breeding.
Yeah.
Alright, next one we have from this book is How to Survive the Walk of Shame?
I don't even know what that is.
So the first thing, locate all of your belongings before vacating the premises.
Two, replace missing clothing.
So if you are lacking pants, put your legs through the sleeves of your shirt and tape
or staple the neck.
How is that surviving the walk?
That's completely emphasizing the walk of shame.
That man's wearing fucking pants.
He's wearing fucking shirt pants.
If you are missing your shirt, use your socks as a bikini top.
This is for women.
Well, it's for I guess either, but...
I don't have a bikini top.
Why would I need to cover my titties up?
That would be funny though.
Wouldn't you feel embarrassed to get it?
Held in place with shoelaces from your running shoes.
One lace goes through the top of each sock and is knotted at each end.
That lace will go around your neck.
The other laces go through the heel of each sock, is knotted at the end and becomes the
strap that goes behind your back.
Adjust for proper fit.
Three, dumb down your evening garments.
So remove any showy clothing or jewelry and wash your face to remove any trace of heavy
makeup.
Wear a hat, sunglasses, and drab clothing if you have the option.
Avoid crowds.
Leave home very early in the morning when there are fewer people on the street.
If you wake up late, do not cross campus during peak class times.
It's a heist of college day.
Yep.
Walk briskly.
Don't take your time.
I thought I'd fuck out of Dodge.
Match the gait of other passerbys but do not run.
The faster you walk, the less likely you'll be noticed.
Walking fast also cuts down on the amount of time and thus the number of people to whom
you will be exposed.
Be aware though.
Arrange in advance a single bird call to get your roommate's attention whenever you arrive
after hours with no keys.
And be aware to prepare and practice excuses and explanations for parents, boyfriend, and
others you may encounter.
Wow, so just added the cheating element to it.
Yeah, we just added the cheating element to it, yes.
Next one we have from this book is how to disguise a fart during sex.
Oh, it's during sex.
Yeah.
So we have, first thing, make a loud exclamation.
Yeah.
At the moment you pass gas, emit a vigorous moan, scream, or exclamation of pleasure.
I don't know what type of end this is for but my bowels would fucking erupt to such
a fucking decimal that it would take nothing.
That would be the only noise you'd hear from three blocks away.
The examples they give you is wow, whoa, or bam.
It's like who's saying bam in the nest?
Bam, bitch.
Bam.
I'm God Pierce.
Bam.
And it says continue moaning or screaming until the fart has concluded.
Do not scream or moan so loudly that it sounds like you're reaching orgasm.
Wait, because you're sweating, right?
So it's going to be all fucking.
Yeah, a soppy one.
Like all wet.
Okay you can also cover the noise with loud physical action.
So pound on a head, border violence, or squeak the bed springs when you're over white-ubley
and knock a lamp or face on the bedside table.
Or just pick up a lamp and throw it.
It's all fucking good.
It fucking farts right?
Did you feel it hits the fucking wall?
You know you're not going to time it right though.
You're going to be fucking shitting and farting at the same time.
Be like that one guy that drops a book and the book hits the ground and then he farts
right after.
Yeah.
You can also cover the noise with less objectionable bodily functions such as a cough, clear throat,
or sneeze at the moment of your farting.
You do like a dainty cough.
Mask the smell with sexually aggressive, sexually suggestive smells.
So immediately after passing gas before the smell becomes pervasive, jump up and light
scented candles.
That won't come off as weird.
Or introduce a smelling foodstuff such as melted chocolate, scented liqueur, or camp
array cheese.
This guy assumes that everything is at the ready.
Yes.
When you're going to fart, you're going to fart now.
Or you can pretend it was the dog.
If your dog came out of the room, say he must have run away after farting.
Must have fucking blown cheeks to the left.
That nasty motherfucker.
Or you can distract from the fart with something more outlandish.
As you feel the need to fart a protein, start making a loud farting noise in your mouth.
Keep making the noise until after you actually fart.
If questioned about the noise, whether in the moment or after sex, explain that you
have a thing for motorboats.
So you're saying motorboat instead of...
And then the last thing, laugh and keep going.
Just...
Ah!
I shit myself.
We don't have time to keep bugging and knocking it out.
And then you end up with a bed like that one dude where the shit stains all over it.
Lord.
It reminds me, talking about all this bodily stuff, they put on TikTok the golden boy.
You remember I told you that weird character?
Golden boy?
The anime?
Oh!
The poorly sexualized man.
Yeah, yeah.
They're doing reactions to it.
And they showed that scene I told you about where I'll show you.
You have to just see it.
Like he fucking legit...
He's like...
And she just repeats the fucking stomping.
Because she was stomping him out, right?
She stopped to spit on him and he's like...
And then she goes back to stomping him out.
Didn't change at all?
No, like he took no damage from her kicks to his head.
She almost looks like that one character, Mai Valentine, from Yu-Gi-Oh!
Oh yeah.
She kind of looks like that.
That's where they got the inspiration.
What boy?
I think golden boy came first.
And what, that's Joey?
Joey Miller?
I don't know.
Hello?
Fuck him.
Free.
He's so...
That man took an ass with him, right?
Yeah.
And then she spit at him to show her level of disgust toward him.
And he fucking cleanly in his fucking mouth.
Yes.
He's like...
As if nothing had happened.
And then she went back to kicking his ass.
Oh.
That is the thirstiest man.
And it is such a fucking...
It is one of those...
I forgot about it because I saw all those episodes.
I rented them at Blockbuster.
I didn't know I was watching fucking Peak.
Yeah.
Until now, that everyone references the fucking golden boy stuff.
Like, oh yeah, I saw all those fucking DVDs.
Such a...
Maybe that's why I'm such a...
You're a freak.
I learned up to golden boy.
He's my Gylku.
Gylku was never the hero.
He was always the villain.
And Freeza was the racist.
Damn, damn, Michael.
All right.
Next thing we got from the book is anti-aphrodisiacs.
Anti-aphrodisiacs.
Black licorice.
Is it?
Black licorice tastes nasty for some reason.
It contains...
Certain types of black licorice contain glycokizirin, which reduces testosterone levels.
No wonder I felt so...
I got such fucking round titties.
Gin and tonic.
Gin and tonic, really?
Alcohol beverages both diminish the sex drive and a key ingredient in the tonic is quinine.
So they both reduce that.
Salt.
Causes high blood pressure, which can result in erectile dysfunction.
Soy.
Promotes estrogen increases in a subsequent testosterone induction.
That's why there's that meme about soy boys.
Oh, that's why.
Soy.
Sugar.
Testosterone levels can be reduced by as much as 25% on blood sugar spikes.
Damn, I can't have nothing.
Too much food.
Oh, get down.
You're gonna break.
Overindulging causes blood sugar levels to go out of balance and devote blood to the
stomach.
I just completely...
I stop eating, right?
Just to get a land I keep passing out halfway through the fucking interactions.
Then we have strange animal mating habits.
Okay.
Bonobo apes.
They're humans.
I know, they're just strange in general.
Just everything that we do.
Bonobo apes.
They use sex or sexual behavior to resolve all disputes rather than fighting.
They're lovers, not fighters.
With each other?
What?
Yeah.
Flatworms.
Flatworms are hemaphrodites in hand.
They fence each other with their penises the loser has impregnated.
Chlorose.
Porcupines.
The male urinates on the female.
If she wants to mate, she will expose her quill-free underside.
If not, she will shake off the urine.
So you know, pee diddy and...
Why did diddy do it?
McCall or...
I guess that's McCall's?
Let me see.
M-A-C-A-Q-U-E-S.
Q-U?
I think that's McCall's.
McCall's?
McCall?
Or Mechacall's?
Well, I think that is McCall's.
We'll pay with fruit to get a look at the female McCall's hindquarters.
Oh, yeah, the McCall.
Yeah, it's a monkey.
McCall?
Seahairs.
Also from Aphrodite's, this sleeve slugs mate in a chain forming a sex circle.
So a fucking circle-stark?
Yes, or like the boys.
You know, where it's just the whole chain of dudes.
Yeah.
And they got pink eye.
That's more masturbation, really, because it's the same guy.
Alright, next thing we have from the book is how to bring up your fetish or kink.
The fuck did I do?
I just rang up a whole bell.
I think I woke up everything in me.
Number one, do your research.
Don, bro.
The X-Video is...
I'm a top editor.
So know as much as possible about the fetish, including safety issues, equipment requirements,
the cost before you bring it up to your partner.
What do this cost me?
You can articulately answer any questions he or she may have.
Two, choose a good time.
Wait until your partner is in a good, relaxed mood, perhaps after sex.
Do not bring it up right before sex, and definitely do not bring it up in the middle of sex.
I was watching the show Two Broke Girls, and this girl had fantasized about her next door
door for fucking seasons.
I don't know if it was season one or season two or three, but eventually they hooked up,
and he was on top of her.
They were doing all this stuff, right?
She was like, I guess it's my turn.
What she meant was that it's time for her to be on top of the cowgirl, right?
He was like, oh, your turn?
And he was like, okay.
And he goes to his fucking drawer and pulls out this fucking strap on it, throws it at
her.
He goes, let's get to work, and she's like fucking so caught off guard.
He's like, hey, hey.
I'm like, dang, bro.
I can see what they mean by that because he caught her completely off guard.
Yeah, don't bring it up, Daring.
Number three, test the waters.
So say, oh, I had the craziest thought, or I had the wildest dream about you, and explain
that she was participating with you in a surprising or unusual ex-sexual act.
Four, try a joke.
Wouldn't it be funny?
But the kink and the fetish and the context of wouldn't it be hilarious if?
Or you know what would be so funny?
I wonder how I can't come up with something so fucking outlamish.
I hear mine's a little wheeling now though.
Like, I'd be like, I'd be like, just sit, like, be joking like, hey, you know how funny
a clown would be naked?
People have those fetishes though.
Have every fetish.
That's true.
Number five, introduce by example.
Do come out like a butt naked clown?
So watch for opportunities to segue into the conversation, such as the kink being mentioned
in a TV program, film, or actively seek out how such a show or movie and see how he or
she reacts.
Be watching nothing but Batman.
What do you think about Harley Quinn?
Six, be honest.
Now that the subject has been open, tell him or her honestly and specifically what it is
you want to do and what his or her role will be.
So you're a circus performer.
And on that line, you just can't tame.
Seven, make it a two way street.
Find your partner to tell you if they have anything unusual or out of the mainstream
that he or she wants to try.
Do not freak out though when they tell you theirs.
What was that one?
What was that group?
Those two guys that were land tamers in?
Oh yeah, the gay guys.
One of them got like attacked.
Malled.
And then like all these fucking stories came out.
I'm like, that was like a flood gate of like all this horrible stuff that was going on
behind closed doors.
I'm like, what is happening?
It was so weird because like one of them got mauled, right?
And just all this like drug abuse stories, abuse stories, physical abuse, emotional abuse,
bad like mistreatment of animals.
All this stories came out.
I'm like, what the hell?
Where the hell did this come from?
What the fuck happened?
They almost had like the lion on Oprah Winfrey telling his fucking story.
He was on Maury.
Yeah, he's like, they treated me like shit.
I finally snapped.
And last of these, the number eight for this is have a sense of humor.
You know, it'd be funny as you a clown.
On the first few attempts at acting out your fetish or kink, allow yourself and your partner
to have some embarrassment or awkwardness about the new activity.
I like the hunky nose.
And what goes along with that is here are, here's a list of unusual sexual fetishes.
Oh God.
What did you be like super vanilla to me?
First one.
Uh, I got, uh, a goal motor and full.
Uh, God, I fucking even fucking read, uh, agile model for affiliate sexual obsession
with statues or mannequins.
No, uh, uh, chill on off of a channel of philia obsession with turtles.
Oh, the fuck teenage mutant ninja turtles, call her affiliate.
That's the one you were just talking about clowns.
Yep.
Really?
I'll just make it a joke about you because they call her affiliate ever since fucking
Harley Quinn came into the picture.
Everyone's been like, well, you know, it's not that bad.
That's a sexual obsession with the way it's like, they, they feel like it's accepted now
by the mainstream.
I know.
So now they can come out.
Yeah.
Uh, we have a Morty in one of the episodes of Rick and Morty, I shit you not.
One of the Mortys was like, I wish a incest to porn was more mainstream or some weird shitty
say some fucking weird shit.
I'm like, what the fuck that Morty?
And it was an offhand fucking comment.
And like, they just completely breezed by it and they never talked about it.
I'm like, Morty, what the fuck are you talking about?
I mean, look how common it is though.
Like, yeah.
Imagine if they're going to stop, they're going to drop the step.
Yeah.
It's just going to be just sister or brother.
Basically.
Yeah.
We have dendrophilia.
Teeth?
Uh, sexual obsession with trees.
Yeah.
Something like tree-ophilia.
Dracophilia.
It's an obsession with Drake.
Dragon.
Oh, I thought it was Drake the rapper.
I know Drake.
We already seen what came out with all that.
He's got an obsession with minors.
Especially Milly Bobby Brown apparently.
Yeah.
Uh, apructophilia.
I guess not anymore because he's too old now.
Here's one for you.
Apructophilia.
What?
Sexual obsession with flatulence.
I don't find that sexually obs...
Uh, extraophilia.
Sexual obsession with aliens.
Hmm.
I do like Mass Effect.
The video game.
Who wouldn't find sexual attraction toward flatulence?
Think of the smell.
I mean, we already covered the whole thing of you trying to hide it.
But this part, if somebody has apructophilia, you ain't even got to worry.
Right, man.
It's a rip.
Exactly.
Like the fucking Beyblade.
Let her rip.
Ha.
Meeple.
Uh, we have, uh, phonoophilia.
Sexual obsession with watching animals mate.
I thought you said...
I thought you said tana...
I thought you said tannos.
Uh, when trying to perfectly balance a universe.
Oh, here's one for you.
Uh, formicophilia.
Sexual obsession with insects crawling around your genitalia.
Why would...
Those people that they're into, why would I be into bugs?
You don't want to be into bugs.
Oh, here you go.
Hobophilia.
Hobophilia?
Fucking hobos?
Yes.
That is what it is.
Hardly.
What do you have around everywhere you go?
It doesn't mean I want to have a sex with them.
Uh, let's see here.
Uh...
Cacorhophilia.
It says...
It says something, right?
And it makes no fucking sense when you say what it is.
I know.
Sexual obsession with failure.
It's all masochist.
Yes.
Uh, mecanophilia.
Mecanophilia.
Sexual obsession with cars and other machines.
See, that one sounds like it would be, you know, mecanophilia.
Yeah.
It's, you know, Mac's machine.
Plushophilia.
Plushophilia is sexual obsession with stuffed animals and people in plush costumes.
Hmm.
So, if you're into, uh, like the furry costumes.
Tunaphilia.
Are you into tuna?
Uh, sexual obsession with cartoons.
Oh, tune.
Tune.
Hentai?
Basically hentai.
Yeah, I guess I basically wished I were that.
Uh, side-row dramophilia.
What is that?
Sexual obsession with trains.
You know, people like Thomas.
Fuck the train.
Maybe like if you wanted to fuck on a train it would make sense.
But this is with trains itself.
Right.
Spectrophilia.
Sexual obsession with ghosts.
You know.
Uh, taffylia.
Sexual obsession with being buried alive.
Good lord.
How would they even like, it might be like those people that like, like in the movie,
like in my head I'm trying to figure out what would lead to this fetish.
Like what would be like the steps that would slowly build, like if you said Tunaphilia,
right?
I would imagine as a kid you saw fucking Jessica Rabbit.
Yeah, I could see that.
And you're like, you know, just like, you know, develop from there into more different
characters.
But like what, one day you were like stuck underneath your blankets, like and you just
started checking off, like I like being so confined.
Like I feel like I'm, I want to feel like I'm being buried alive.
I know that would be weird wouldn't it?
Like how does it build?
Is that what they made those weighted blankets for?
I don't know.
Like I'm just like, I'm trying to like build, how does it slowly build into your fetish?
I don't know.
That's weird.
Uh, the next one is uh, trypsilagnia.
It is a sexual obsession with having your hair shampooed by somebody else.
I must love hair salons.
Does someone say it's like they're just creaming themselves while they're there?
Apply the lotion again.
Uh, let's see here.
God, that is a long fucking word and I am going to fuck up this word.
So don't worry.
Uh, ursusagalmatophilia.
You fucking bitch, you don't want to spell out?
Summon a fucking demon.
Puss back down, butt droughter.
It's actually, well, I understand like the Ursa part of it because it makes sense, but
it's a sexual obsession with teddy bears.
Why?
No, I'm going to stop asking why.
You're going to ask the question and it isn't going to answer it.
And last thing that we'll give you from this book today is called, uh, pick up lines to
avoid or use.
They have to add that in parentheses.
So the first thing is, uh, the first pickup line.
The human body is 90% water and I'm real thirsty.
So is this only 70% or like between 50 and 65, I believe.
Well, nobody said you were smart if you're using these.
You know, I can't help myself.
These people are saying you just need that extra 10% because you're thirsty.
Although for you, you know, you're really thirsty.
The human body is made up of 30%.
Thirsty is mad.
Uh, next one is, can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Well, that won't get your ass beat.
The next one is, uh, with a mane like that, you must be a Leo.
It's not even a good one.
Which of these, none of these is so far hard.
But next one is, uh, do you have a mirror in your pants?
Because I can see myself in them.
I've heard of that one before.
Next one is, are your legs tired?
Because you've been running through my dreams all night.
I had a guy hit on me at work once.
Oh God.
Those glasses really fit your face.
I'm like, okay, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Put a puff of your stuff on the ground.
Probably.
He's like, oh, I do.
I'm like over here trying to look sexy.
I try to pull him down to my nose.
Do that.
Do that, man.
Next one is, is your father a thief?
He stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
And he starts freaking out like, oh my God, he fucking did.
Oh my God, he did?
He's a fucking mad scientist.
How did you know?
Next one is, I really like that outfit.
I would, it would be at the end of my bed or on the floor of my bed or somewhere.
It would look good crumpled at the end of my bed.
Next one is, what do you like for breakfast?
Oh, good, I have that.
Next one is, I know they say milk does a body good,
but damn, how much have you been drinking?
There's a few complies I can see driving you.
How much milk you got, you a cow.
He fucking slapped in the face.
Next one is, so are you legal?
Yeah, that'll work.
Sure.
Next one is, I have cable TV.
Officer, what did I say that was so offensive?
If I told you that you have a lovely body, would you hold it against me?
I want to try that one, yeah.
Did the sun just come out or did you smile at me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Erasmatase.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to...
Believe in love at first sight.
After she walks away?
After she walks away.
She just pick up the fucking karaoke.
After she walks away.
Hey, I lost my phone number.
Can I have yours?
This one's...
Can I borrow your phone so I can call my phone?
Yeah.
I won't sack you.
Next one is just stupid.
If you were a burger McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.
Good Lord.
I'd be in contention with McDonald's and I'd be like,
my fucking double mac.
They gave me half a mac.
I'll never forget to this fucking day.
I hope I become rich and famous enough that I can be on a talk show one night
and talk about my fucking half a mac story.
They fucking do me right.
My fucking double mac.
You owe me.
Next one is, hi, my name's whatever it is.
Slim Shady.
But can you call me tonight?
Next one is, no wonder the sky is gray today.
All the blue is in your eyes.
She let my eyes are brown.
It's like, no wonder the pond looks clear.
All the brown shit's in your...
All the mud's in your eye.
What's your name?
Or should I just call you mine?
Oh, Lord.
If I could arrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.
I wonder if you, William Shakespeare, write something.
Look at all the...
Look at you with all those curves and me with no brakes.
I like that one.
I fuck...
I guess you're using that one.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make a bedrock.
Oh, God.
Do you have any raisins? No?
How about a...
You probably never heard of Fred Flintstone.
Who the fuck's that?
She's like, who?
I'm gonna call you a bandaid,
because I skin my knee whenever I feel for you.
Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa
what I want for Christmas?
She's like, Santa's not real.
He's like, Santa's not real?
He frees out.
My bed is broken.
Can I sleep in yours?
So you had that problem?
What?
What, that bed?
Oh, yeah, my bed from my bed was fucking breaking.
My fucking back.
Can I sleep in yours?
Like fucking Bane.
I'm feeling myself tonight. Can I feel you?
Or, hi, my name is...
Remember that.
You'll be screaming at later.
Oh, not that one.
Is that a ladder in your stockings
or the stairway to heaven?
I may not be the best looking guy in here,
but I'm the only one talking to you.
That's really fucked up.
You got no other options.
Oh, I can see this one for you, too.
I definitely can see you using this one on a bar or something.
I can put my finger and wipe it on her shirt.
Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
Are you stupid?
But I can see you using it.
What, the fucking lick of my finger
and I just put rub it on someone's fucking clothes?
Get fucking tasered?
Hey, I got a good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
Two minutes after you do it,
I'm just over there on the ground.
Get a rest after a few seconds.
I don't know, I just got to keep your hands to yourself.
Put them in your pocket.
You jerk off that way.
I thought you were going to go and start singing that song.
Which one?
Can't keep my hands to my sail.
I'm trying to fucking see this damn fight on UFC.
Yeah.
But they won't fucking update to see who won.
That's not surprising.
It's still too early.
All right, next thing that we got,
we do not have a comic character spotlight tonight,
but I got a couple of little poll things, right?
So these were posted by Comic Panel
and also by one other channel, I believe.
These were polls put out on a who would win fight, right?
So we'll go down a couple of these
and see if we agree or disagree on these.
The first one is Beast versus Gorilla Grodd.
Beast versus Gorilla Grodd.
Who are you taking?
Huh, that's a good point.
Beast versus Gorilla Grodd.
I'd probably give it to Gorilla Grodd.
I agree with you.
Polls also agree with you.
56% of people said Gorilla Grodd.
Next one we have is Tarzan versus Craven the Hunter.
I'd probably Craven the Hunter.
Yeah, 82% of people agree with you on that one.
Tarzan surviving against some fucking Master Hunter.
Absolutely not.
Next one is Black Canary and Green Arrow
versus Black Widow and the Hulk.
Like, that's a no-brainer.
You want Hulk?
The Hulk's so low without him.
Just like a fucking joke pose.
Next one is Sentry versus Superboy Prime.
Personally, I'm probably going with Superboy Prime
because he fucked up the multiverse.
And Sentry, I don't think gets as much play.
I don't really see. I don't know much about him.
Well, he's basically Marvel's Superboy.
So I'm just going with Superboy Prime.
79% of people agree with that.
This is a good one though.
Galactus versus the Anti-Monitor.
Um, still have to tell.
I don't know their real...
I don't know their limit basically.
Like, I don't know like their full potential.
Like, I don't know what Galactus can do.
But I've seen him defeated by regular means.
Silver Surfer has defeated him a few times.
Right. I don't know the Anti-Monitor.
Well, the Anti-Monitor is multiversal.
Like, remember, he's the one that created
the entire Crisis on Infinite Earths.
And the only person that was able to actually
fight against him was the Spectre.
Maybe just go with Diggle-Galactus.
He's got all his hands.
I can't catch both these fucking hands.
72% of people disagree with you on that one.
72% of people chose the Anti-Monitor.
Next one is...
This is...
The next one I would...
I don't know. To me it seems pretty easy.
Rhino versus Killer Croc.
Probably a Rhino.
Yeah. 67% agree. I agree with that too.
And definitely I do.
Next one... Black Panther versus Batman.
Uh, probably wouldn't Batman if it's a Paul.
Yeah. What about what you would choose, though?
Death Battle. Probably Black Panther.
Thanks, sir.
No, I don't know if there's prep time or not.
You know, the trope of prep time.
Give me 77 hours.
I'll fuck them all up.
Prep time, obviously, I probably would go with Black Man.
But if you're just, like, a straight-out fight...
What if Batman just calls the police? He's black.
He's black? He's a black man.
He's been following me for three blocks.
I'll be fucked up. I'm funny.
And he's a rich white guy.
Yeah.
Right there, Mr. Wayne.
Money.
That's the superpower.
So fucked up.
Uh, next one's a little bit, uh...
I would assume a little bit closer, but I know who I would choose.
Rogue versus Wonder Woman.
Rogue versus what? Wonder Woman.
66% of people agree with that.
Because I think Rogue, didn't she absorb Captain Marvel's plan...
Captain Marvel's planet?
Captain Marvel stole her planet?
Rogue took her powers, though, didn't she, at one point?
But I don't think she would be able to take Wonder Woman, though.
Like, maybe, but Wonder Woman would fuck her up in the process.
Wolverine versus Denji.
Denji? Who's Denji?
Chainsaw Man. It's an anime.
Most people chose Wolverine.
Yeah, he's got adamantium.
Even if he tried to cut through him, he wouldn't cut through him.
Well, uh, Denji is a character that fights demons.
So, it's a little...
It's not like a normal chainsaw.
Now I know who the chainsaw guy is.
Yeah, with the chainsaw coming out of his head and stuff.
Yeah.
Uh, let's see here.
I don't know this character, though.
Tempest Foggenant versus Watu the Watcher.
Little Fogger's Tempest what?
I don't know who that is.
Apparently, though, in the polls, he won 56%.
So, people know him better than I do, apparently.
Uh, next one is a pretty good one.
Blade versus Hellboy.
Yeah.
I'd go with Hellboy. He's my boy.
Yeah, 70% of people agree with that.
I think he'd fuck Blade up pretty good.
I wouldn't say, like, he'd fuck him up, but, like, he'd be...
Give him enough time, though.
Yeah, he'd win.
Hellboy's got super strength.
He's got accelerated healing. He's got that hammer.
Like, Blade's good.
The hammer with the right hand.
The right hand of Doom.
Uh, what about this one, then?
Dr. Doom versus Black Adam.
Dr. Doom.
I mean, I would probably go with Dr. Green.
Well, yeah, Dr. Doom is like Dr. Doom, but, like,
if we're looking at, like, overall, or, like, just physicality.
Like, overall.
He'd probably be Dr. Doom. He'd probably figure something out.
Yeah, 81% of people agree.
He's a sorcery.
That's what I was thinking, is that he's gonna use sorcery.
Anyway, his powers.
Basically, Black Adam versus Shazam.
Like, look who's fucked up now.
Here's a good one, though. Deadpool versus Lobo.
Deadpool versus, like, Lobo.
Yeah, I don't know.
Like, as much as Deadpool, he's not, like, at that level of physicality.
Well, on top of that, Lobo literally cannot die.
Yeah.
Superman can't kill Lobo.
Like, motherfucker, I wish I could say you die alone,
but it's one of God's best jokes. You can't die.
Did you see Hugh Jackman's interview?
He's like, I really did have more lines in that
than I've ever had in a movie.
Like, a couple of his movies
actually had more lines in that monologue.
You know what's funny about that scene
is when he says, like, it's one of God's best jokes,
he punches the ceiling.
Yeah.
God's best jokes.
A little nuance that I like.
Like, the little, like, detail.
That was a great monologue, though.
We're fighting now.
Oh, are we?
Get smacked in the face.
He's like, what the fuck? You punched me in the face.
They beat the hell out of me.
Popeye versus the Hulk.
That's a meme.
59% of people agree with you.
Uh, Homelander versus Batman.
Homelander versus Batman.
They don't even put prep time.
I know. They don't say if there is or not, so...
Um, yeah. Homelander's a fucking psycho.
He's a psychopath.
And he's not gonna be like, uh, like, stop.
He's gonna fucking laser him in the face.
Right. But do you think Batman would be able to have a plan ahead of time?
If he knew about him, sure.
Like, if they're in the same universe anyway?
Yeah, like, if he was planning how to beat him?
Yeah. You think Batman could win that one?
I mean, 78% of people do think that he could, so...
I don't know, like...
I mean, he has plans for Superman.
There's no script tonight.
No? But then again, Homelander has never survived a nuclear bomb either.
They say he can. They say he can survive anything.
They say. But there's never been any proof of it.
Why the fuck would Batman get his nuclear bomb out of a nuclear bomb?
I bought it from a Russian. Money.
That's his superpower. He's gonna want it.
That's his Russian.
So are you choosing Homelander or Batman on that one?
Probably Homelander.
Go against the polls?
Something about that just feels... like if it was that universe.
Right. Yeah.
What if Homelander came into the DC universe?
Then Superman would beat his ass.
What are you doing, boy?
Watch, I hope I didn't try to laser Superman and just bounce this off.
Just fucking cut his cable like, you motherfucker.
My mama sold that for me.
What about Vandal Savage versus Immortal from...
What do you call it? Invincible.
Oh, Immortal?
Be Immortal, because he's actually like...
Superpowered? Yeah.
Surprisingly, people voted for Vandal Savage.
And I'm just old.
That's what I was thinking too. His superpower is money too.
Yeah, basically.
Here's a good one, and you already know who I'm going with this.
Ghost Rider versus Spectre.
Yeah.
Do you know who I'm going with?
Ghost Rider.
The polls actually would have been with you if you chose Ghost Rider.
Really?
77% of people think Ghost Rider.
This is more recognizable, really.
I think that is the biggest reason.
Nicholas Cage.
Yeah, because if you're going by comic books, yeah, Ghost Rider is strong, but...
What's his most powerful ability? Penance Stare?
Would that work, Spectre?
No, but he doesn't have guilt, because it's God's judgment.
I don't have a soul either.
No.
Takes a soul, doesn't it?
Yeah.
Can't remember.
And this is just Spectre. This is not...
He tried to do it to Spider-Man's, but I'm like, I'm dizzy, but he didn't get affected at all.
Right. You're basically going against God's vengeance.
Spider-Man checks off?
Yes. You know he does.
What? Like, does he have the time?
I mean, he's pitiful enough sometimes.
A pity wake?
He's just wearing his v-
Because like, okay, because like, we have normal lives, right?
Yes.
And we go about our day, and every once in a while, he's going to fucking jerky.
That's just the normal state of your life, as a regular human being.
You know Peter Parker has a pity wake every once in a while?
No, like, because he has like, far beyond our own fucking- like, he's got a shitty job, sure.
Yes.
Sometimes he doesn't have a girlfriend, but he also has to be Spider-Man all the time.
Like, I just don't imagine him stupidly to the level of the angel-
He's not being a fucking professor?
Yeah. I can't envision that as part of his routine.
I could.
As pitiful as he is sometimes, yeah.
Like, as a normal guy, right?
Yeah.
Like, you clean yourself off with one of your old dirty whatever, like, shorts or-
He doesn't need to clean himself off, he just puts his suit back on?
Like, no, like, what if he used his shirt one night, like his suit, right?
And he just throws the pant legs into the fucking, the bin, the laundry bin, he goes back to bed.
That early morning, something happens, and he goes and fights.
He puts his pants up like a cum stand across the side of his thigh.
Like, see, I don't-
He doesn't notice, and he just goes out like-
I can see it, though. His life sometimes is that bad that he would do that.
He seems so wholesome that he would never sphynch to do that.
Oh, I can see it. He's not an old person?
Oh, no.
Over there thinking about Mary Jane is like a pity wank, like-
I can see it.
I just can't see it for Peter Parker.
Like, he goes against his whole character.
Like, have you ever seen that comic panel where it's got Black Cat,
and she finds out that Peter Parker is underage, and she goes and throws up?
Yeah.
And then he went home and had a pity wank?
Did he?
No, I-
Oh, that's what you're assuming.
He thought he was going to get some help from Black Cat.
He was only 15, though, so she-
I know, exactly, a pity wank.
Or she fucking vomited.
What are we talking about?
All right, next poll. The D creator versus the one below all.
I don't know, either one.
One's DC's, like, Ultimate Evil, and the other one's Marvel's Ultimate Evil.
Mephisto?
No, but even worse than him, though.
Because you know-
Mephisto?
Well, you know the one above all? This is just his reverse.
Right. I don't know. Neither.
Polls, obviously, they say the one below all, because he's more commonly known.
He just sounds cooler, the one below all.
Instead of the D creator.
Some guy in the- yeah, like, he'd D create the one below all.
Okay, here's a good one, though.
Lucifer Morningstar versus God of Stories Loki.
God of Stories Loki, that's my boy.
Mm-hmm. I'm going Lucifer.
Going. I love stories. I could listen to his stories all day.
The reason I choose Lucifer is because he is the, like, in the chain of DC comics,
he is, like, the third most powerful being in all of creation.
And Luke, God of Stories Loki is-
Right below Batman.
He's right below-
Uh, polls went with Lucifer on that one, though.
What about Kingpin versus Bane?
This is a very lopsided poll.
Why? It's very lopsided.
Why do I want Bane?
Yeah, Bane, 87% of people agree with that.
He made fucked up Batman. He's back pretty bad.
Why did he break fucking Kingpin's back so Kingpin's not on a fucking wheelchair?
Which version of Kingpin? The one from fucking, uh, that new Spider-Man with the mouth more elegant?
The big motherfucker.
Yeah, he's the big dude.
He's, like, his head was so big, like, it was almost like his belly button.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Like, his fucking hunchback was so high. You remember how he looked?
Yeah.
His design, his head was so fucking low. I was like, God dang.
Yeah. Now, this is the original Kingpin.
He's still a big motherfucker, too.
All right, out of this, two pairings. Batman and Iron Man versus Superman and Captain America.
Mm. Mm.
Probably only Captain America.
Yeah, I would assume that's, I mean, one's superpowered and...
I mean, technically, if we're being honest, there's Superman, Settlers, without any help, but...
Unless Batman brings that kryptonite with him.
But then you got Captain America.
Here's one for you, though. Rocket raccoon versus detective chimp.
In an actual fight, probably Rocket raccoon. He's a better fighter.
Think so?
Yeah. He's got a bunch of gadgets.
Yeah, apparently nobody knew who he was in this poll, though, for detective chimp, so...
Interesting.
Rocket raccoon, 170 to 30 on that one.
All right, uh...
Must have been before Guardians of the Galaxy.
Because if it was now, they'd be like, who the fuck is detective chimp?
Now, this is another very long-sighted poll, but, uh, Homelander versus Doomsday.
Doomsday?
Doomsday just fucking him up completely.
Like, massively. 94% of people chose Doomsday.
What I want to know is who chose Homelander in this situation?
Like, he's a never-fought...
A true believer.
...in Homelander.
Uh, let's see here. Green Lantern versus Nova.
Interesting. Probably Green Lantern.
Yeah, that's where the polls went to. 74%.
Uh, Power Girl versus She-Hulk.
Them titties?
Versus...
Them muscles on that ass.
Polls went for Power Girl. Uh, 87%.
Uh, here's another one with your boy Hellboy, though. Hellboy versus Constantine.
Hellboy's kind of immune to that stuff.
Is he?
Well, yeah, because he's also a demon. Well, he can get sent to hell, but he'd be back.
He's actually half-human.
I guess he's back, motherfuckin'.
Polls leaned very heavily. John Constantine's favor, though. 79%.
I'm sure they did.
Uh, Dermamu versus Necron.
Dermamu...
...versus Necron.
And I think this poll leaned a certain way because people don't know who Necron is.
I'd probably go with Dermamu because I don't know who the guy is, either.
Necron's the guy from The Blackest Night.
Oh, that one guy that licks that fucking skull?
No, the guy that's above him.
Like, the actual, like, god of death, basically.
Cool.
But yeah, Dermamu won that one.
Lobo versus Ghost Rider.
Probably still Lobo.
Yeah, apparently he lost this poll, though.
I think the reason being is because...
From Men in Stair?
Yeah, but, like, Lobo doesn't feel guilt about the people he's killed.
He didn't give a fuck.
He's happy about it.
Killer Krog versus the Lizard.
Spider-Man's Lizard.
Yeah.
I don't know.
That's a close one.
You think so?
Yeah, that's a real close one.
I'd probably go with Killer Krog.
Yeah, that's why the polls led to.
Here's a four-way one, right?
Ooh, I love me a four-way.
Three dudes, one girl.
The ultimate devil's quadruple instead of a triangle.
Damn permutative triangle.
The devil's...
My girl in the middle.
Good lord.
First of all, you guys have to fuck each other, and the one with the most stamina gets to fuck me.
What?
I will see myself out.
All right, this is the best captain.
No fights.
Like, there's no fighting involved.
Just who is the best captain?
Or the person with the captain in their name, right?
Captain Jack Sparrow?
Captain America?
Captain Marvel or Captain Adam?
Same again?
Captain Jack Sparrow.
There it is.
You choosing that one?
Yeah.
You know who won that one, though?
Who?
Captain America.
Captain Corse.
It's America's ass right there.
Superman Prime One Million versus Rune King Thor.
Magic versus age.
I still go with Superman.
Yeah, that's what 81% of people went to.
Rune Skin Thor?
Rune King Thor.
He's an interesting character.
Yeah, he is.
Wolverine versus Lobo.
That'd still be Lobo.
Yeah.
Actually, it's pretty...
Basically just Wolverine just amped up in the superhuman level.
True, true.
Odin versus Highfather.
Odin.
That's what most people...
Most people didn't choose Highfather at all.
All right.
Thrag versus Homelander.
You know who Thrag is, right?
It'd still be Thrag.
93%.
There's still that 7% that's rooting for Homelander there.
It's just he never has...
In the invincible world, they're always fucking fighting, so they're only getting better.
What's that word?
Iron...
Iron sharpens iron.
Right, so they're always getting...
But he's never had...
The one time he had an equal fight was against fucking Soldier Boy.
And he almost got fucked up.
Right, and then he got jumped by fucking Huey and Butcher, and they almost beat him.
Yeah.
And it took the fucking Hulk level rage to fucking push him off and fly out of there.
Yeah.
So the first time he actually got challenged, like he was having trouble.
When Queen Maeve started to fight him in season three at the end...
She was actually able to get a few licks in.
Yeah, she fucking bloodied his nose up.
Yeah.
So the minute he gets a real fight, he's like, like, fuck.
He didn't know what to do.
He just like, he's more powerful through intimidation than actual skill.
I agree with that.
Just his power levels just makes him dangerous.
In his world anyway.
Right.
Yeah.
Moon Knight versus Azrael.
Um...
Probably Azrael.
Moon Knight won this one.
80%.
That's right after the show.
Probably.
Falcon versus Vulture.
I still like Falcon.
That's what most people like.
The Vulture, nah, not so much.
Hulk versus Gotham.
Hulk versus Gotham?
Who wait, who's Gotham?
DC character, combination character, I believe.
Huh.
Still go with Hulk.
91% of people agree with that.
Fucking Gotham.
Oh, here's a good one.
Cable Boy, Cable Cable Boy.
You're like Cable Boy.
Cable versus Booster Gold.
I like Booster Gold, but I probably Cable.
Cable on that one.
Yeah.
Brainiac versus King the Conqueror.
Take me my Brainiac.
Surprisingly, I actually lean to Brainiac.
I would assume that, you know, with the people knowing who King the Conqueror is more so now than Brainiac.
Here's a good one, though, because it's two planets.
So it's Ego the Living Planet versus Mogo.
I go with Ego.
I'm going with Mogo.
I go with he's more popular from the fucking Kurt Russell.
What's up, baby?
But you know who Mogo is, all right?
Mogo actually won this one, surprisingly.
Even though most people don't even know who he is, like popular culture anyway.
Like, obviously, people that read comic books know who Mogo is.
It's a planet that's a Green Lantern.
Oh, that guy.
OK.
Yeah, Mogo.
Except by something else.
Who were you thinking of?
Something else.
No, Mogo, the Green Lantern.
Like an Ego version of a DC character, like another planet, because I could have sworn.
Was there another one?
There was an evil one that was just a planet.
Like some other planet, level entity.
Yeah.
No, this is the Green Lantern planet.
The little guy, yeah.
Where he hits a planet that literally is a Green Lantern, which is fucking crazy.
Here's a good one.
Bullseye versus Deadshot.
Deadshot, because of the way he was in Arkham Origins as a fucking lethal motherfucker.
And in Arkham City, the way he could just assassinate people with angles.
Yeah, true, true.
Who's the one with the Sinister Six or the Rogues?
You know, I love me the Sinister Six.
They my boys.
There still hasn't been a proper.
Like, I wish I was famous enough, a writer, that I could be like, hey, call them Marvel.
Hey, Marvel, let me do a mini-series.
12 issues.
Let me do the Sinister Six.
They'd be like, bet.
Bet.
Who is this, by the way?
Who's calling?
Ultron versus Cyborg.
Ultron.
You think so?
Well, Cyborg's smart.
So if he was able to like, well, like, that's the thing.
Isn't it Apocalypse Technology versus, or was Cyborg given Apocalypse Technology?
He was in the comic books.
But in the comic books?
Or was it just cybernetics?
He was just cybernetics, I think.
OK.
But like, because I guess I could start going to like a storytelling type format in my head.
Yeah.
Like, I can't just be like this.
Like, it would be like Ultron, right?
And like, maybe like he's able to control a bit of like, he'd like, they're fighting, right?
And Cyborg wins the fight.
But like, Red is fighting like Ultron whispers in his ear or something, right?
And it's like a verbal virus that affects Cyborg's cybernetics.
Yeah.
And they start slowly possessing him throughout the little storyline.
Because I can't help myself.
But I can see it working that way, though.
And then like eventually has to fight off the virus.
Like he starts getting like the flu-like symptoms.
Like, I don't understand. I'm cybernetic. How am I getting sick?
Yeah.
Because like maybe he destroys Ultron, but he doesn't destroy Ultron.
Right.
And then eventually like a baby Ultron comes out of his ass.
I'm kidding that part.
But it wasn't through that storyline where Cyborg cybernetics actually ripped themselves away from him.
I don't know.
And became its own character, basically.
That would suck.
Whereas like a villain.
Because they're only like half of, you know, like fucking like the head and the arm.
Yeah.
Like the shoulders.
He's like, wait, don't leave me.
How about Mephisto versus Trigon?
Who?
That's a good one.
I love Trigon, though.
He's so cool.
I know. Yeah.
He's just so powerful that you don't even want him in your planet.
Like there's a lot of debate even between if Trigon could beat Darkseid.
Because Trigon is like a extremely powerful entity.
Right.
And Trigon won the poll, though, surprisingly.
75 percent.
Which is really surprising considering that most people know more about Mephisto than they do Trigon.
I know.
Well, after the Teen Titans show, I don't think so.
I think Trigon is a bit more on the mainstream.
Yeah.
They did have a TV show, didn't they?
Yeah.
And that was a big thing when fucking Raven and like, oh my God.
We were like, oh, it's funny.
The kids were coming like, oh my God, who is Trigon?
He's so dangerous.
He's so powerful.
He even had Slade under his possession.
Yeah, that's true.
He even fucking Slade killed himself to help him.
It's like, oh my fucking God.
Then they fucking cancel the damn show.
I know, which sucks.
And then they brought it back in your type of way.
Teen Titans Go?
God.
They go to the movies.
I wonder if...
I guess they did have that one movie where they go to Tokyo.
Yeah.
The actual Teen Titans characters.
Yeah.
They had that weird guy that was like painting shit.
Can't remember, it was weird.
Yeah, it was...
I think Robin kills one or like, it looks like he kills one, but he didn't.
It was just like a fucking clone or like a robot or something.
Yeah.
He had some brutal fight and it looks like he fucking kills him and breaks his fucking neck.
It's like, oh my God, a kid shot.
I broke his fucking neck.
What about Wonder Woman versus Captain Marvel?
I still like Wonder Woman.
Yeah.
I think most people do.
Nobody likes Captain Marvel at this point.
I'm a minder, right?
Just, you know.
She's a bland character though.
That is the problem.
They need a better writer.
Here's a good one though.
I probably shouldn't say that.
Sorry about that writer.
They did their best.
No, no, cut.
You're a cuff.
I don't want to shit on other writers.
You're the one coughing, it's not me.
Every time you say it, they're just the underlying cough.
No.
You gotta respect people's writing.
You might not.
They're not gonna know if it's you or me, then?
It ain't me.
I'm just saying.
They're not gonna know if it's you or me, then?
It ain't me coughing.
What about Kratos versus Gore?
Kratos versus Gore?
Yeah.
Oh.
Gore the Godbutcher.
That's a cool one.
Yeah.
Still be Kratos though.
I think Kratos still.
Got that beard, man.
Another one for your homelander people.
Oh, God.
Homelander versus invincible.
Homelander versus bubbles from Powerpuff Girls.
He still got his socks.
He still got his ass beat.
Like, no joke, he's done.
But I still get a shit.
Like, no joke, he's done.
But I still get a shit out of him.
That would be hilarious.
Versus invincible?
Yeah.
He's still losing.
That kid is...
Yeah.
He fought his own dad.
His dad beat his ass.
I think we found homelander ceiling though in this, which is 11%.
It still won't kill a homelander.
Damn.
Roadrunner versus The Flash.
Oh, probably still The Flash.
I could go through time.
Yeah.
Roadrunner's like, meep, meep.
People are like, meep, meep.
He's gone.
Wait, does that mean he's using the speed force?
This is The Flash.
I call all speedsters.
We need to, like, because they have to like, maybe like, something happened to like the
speed wheel or whatever.
Yeah.
So he needs all the, every speedster to enter throughout the entire Marvel or DC universe.
And then you just see fucking the Roadrunner in one panel.
He's running towards you.
Say, do you see Jay Garrick?
Do you see, you know, Wally West, Barry Allen?
They just little...
Now that would actually be a great cameo though in the background.
Yeah.
Speedy Gonzalez.
Godzilla versus Doomsday.
Doomsday versus Godzilla?
Doomsday.
Like actual Doomsday, like from more than DC?
Or is it Godzilla?
When he just go up his asshole and like, just draw his organs from the inside?
Like, I'm like, I'm just dead being serious.
Like, he could punch in like a bullet.
And guys are like, ah, ha ha ha.
You got fucking a sass take.
Oh, what the f...
Have you seen that new comic series where it's the JLA versus Godzilla?
I've seen it.
Oh my god.
I'm like, huh.
Like, they really like just combine.
Maybe because they're both Warner, aren't they?
I think, yeah, I think so.
And on top of that, that really Justice League's gonna lose to Godzilla.
They did.
Like really?
Like, come on, really?
Superman alone would fuck up Godzilla.
Godzilla like you thought.
Surprisingly, Godzilla won that one.
I know, I heard.
Oh, I thought you meant the other one.
He did win the first fight, apparently.
What about Blade versus Katana?
Katana?
What's good?
DC?
That little...
That Asian girl with the sword?
The girl that played, that's actually, that's Kimiko from The Boys.
Yeah, I know.
I remember that, yeah.
Probably Blade.
Think Blade on that one?
Well, because like, if they were equal, like even if there was a light disparity, right?
Let's say Katana has got better martial arts skills.
Right.
He could trump it with higher level physical ability.
Yeah.
Like, let's say, it's like basically...
Like he can make a few more mistakes and still be fine.
Right, because he's got superhuman abilities.
Right, reaction speed.
It'd be like me, being me, right, fighting a heavyweight boxer.
Yeah.
Like, I might be equal level skill, but he's gonna beat my ass.
You know what I mean?
Or I could be a better skill than him and he'd still beat my ass.
Yeah, it'd be like you fight Mike Tyson and he's like, it's a thing that can go your way.
Like, if I was like a fucking championship level flyweight, fucking 112 pounds, I guess...
You're still losing, yeah.
...and he's still just butter-beaned, and like I can dodge a move, right, but he can
still hit me and I'm...
And one hit and you're gone.
Like, I could land like 100 punches to his three and I still get knocked the fuck out.
Yeah, I can see that.
Ant-Man versus Adam.
I like Adam, so...
I agree with that, and he actually won the poll surprisingly.
Let's see here.
Piccolo versus Martian Manhunter.
He's playing Martian Manhunter.
Well, actually, I don't know, because I don't know the gauge of...
The DC versus like Dragon Ball.
Dragon Ball Z, right.
I don't know like their level.
Like, where are we at for them?
I know like the level of physical abilities with DC characters.
Like, Superman can fucking throw a planet.
Right.
And basically, like in the What Is It to Fight with Goku versus Superman, it's extremely
comparable just because they're like multiversal level abilities and stuff, but Piccolo is
not, so...
The only thing I'll give Martian Manhunter probably the edge on is he's got his mental
abilities, so he'd fuck up Piccolo mentally.
Piccolo, who the fuck's in my head?
What?
But like, strength-wise, I don't know, suit...
Because I don't know, like, they never talk about their actual levels of power in the
character, and like, actual like strength and speed in DC and Dragon Ball Z.
Yeah.
They're just powerful.
That doesn't explain anything.
But it doesn't correlate really to anything.
Like I know that fucking March Man can throw a fucking building.
Yeah.
Like I've seen him throw one in Black Knight.
And you know that he can go toe-to-toe with Superman for a little while.
Right, and I know Superman can fucking throw a planet, so I understand that power level.
Yeah.
Like, I understand DC or Dragon Ball Z characters are powerful, but I don't know like...
Like, holistically what power that is.
Like in comparisons to like DC and Marvel.
Yeah.
Like I've never seen him do stuff in the real world.
Right.
I've seen him flight in fucking desert, barren fucking wastelands.
Right, and planets that are non-living.
Right, or like fucking Namek was fucking barren as fuck, like little villages.
Like I've never seen him throw a fucking like, fighting a...
Like if I saw Batman and Bane fighting in a fucking house, right?
Right.
Like what would they do?
They would fucking tear this house apart.
Yeah.
If I could rip through the fucking walls and doors and everything.
Yeah.
I'd understand that.
Because like if I can't do that, if I went through a wall, I'd fucking cut myself up.
But you know there would be...
Yeah, there'd be damage.
That's why a lot of people brought that up with Home Land or two, is that yeah, he's
super powerful.
But like him fighting Soldier Boy really didn't do shit to the house.
Not really, no.
Like what you would expect wise anyway.
What about Iron Man versus Blue Beetle?
Uh, Iron Man.
You don't want to go Blue Beetle on that one?
I don't follow...
I'm not going to be like, just because he's Mexican, I'm also going to...
I don't give a damn.
This is an easy one though too.
Jean Grey versus Starfire.
I'm going Jean Grey on that one.
I don't even...
I'm not even a Marvel fanboy, but I know.
I love me some aliens.
Alright.
Starfire is just so sexy.
And last one that we'll do for today is a duo.
Batman and Deathstroke versus Captain America and Winter Soldier.
Damn going Batman and Deathstroke on that one though.
Yeah.
Cause Deathstroke is like, yeah Bucky Barnes is ruthless.
Well basically Deathstroke is Winter Soldier.
They have the same level of physical, cause he's actually a super soldier.
Yeah.
Batman is not, but if we go by the death battle, he beats Captain America just through ingenuity.
Well on top of that too, there was a comic whenever they did the crossover between DC
and Marvel, when they had Batman and Captain America fight each other, where they fought
for three days straight in the sewers.
And it was a draw.
They probably fucking stank.
Alfred must have been like, sir, what the... if you'd be so kind as to fucking...
What the fuck is this?
Yeah.
Okay, he comes into the van and just fucking vomits.
Alfred just throws up.
Oh my god, could you imagine being covered in sewage and sweat in three days?
Oh, B.O.
That would be horrible though.
You know my, you know the muffler on the Mini Cooper was fucked up, right?
So we went to go get it, or took it somewhere to get it fixed.
Now I'm in the white car.
The white car's AC is broken.
So if any one fucking thing, it's another.
It works, but the AC doesn't work.
They're saying either the band's broken or the fucking Freon's gone or something.
Cause like, if I press a little button for the AC, it flashes, then it shuts off.
It's always just blowing air.
I'll check it before I leave.
If you want to, you don't have to.
I'll help you out here.
But man, I'm so tired of fucking everything, every car I get, there's always something
wrong.
The Mini Cooper's muffler, like the AC was terrible on the Mini Cooper.
But then the muffler fucked up.
Now the fucking AC's terrible, damn white car.
Well, since we're talking about things that have been happening to you bad, let's go into
our Reddit series and talk about some Today I Fucked Ups.
First one we have here today is by JL.
Oh, my whole Today I Fucked Up is like, Today I Fucked Up by waking up.
I know somebody needs to just, I'm sure it's been posted though.
The first one is by JL Adv, ADV.
JL, space, ADV.
Spurs and puts, I met my now husband about 15 years ago.
I decided that I needed to cook for him a good dinner for him to impress him with my
grilling skills.
After perusing several recipes, I decided to make beer can chicken.
If you don't know what that is, you basically shove a can of beer up the bottom side of
a chicken and use the legs and beer can on a tripod to keep the chicken stable on the
grill.
Cool.
Because it basically cooks it in extra heat.
I made a great rub and coated the chicken in a little olive oil and all the good spices.
I was so excited for dinner.
Now the thing is with beer can chicken, it's a set it and forget it kind of meal.
You're not supposed to take the lid off of the grill because it loses too much heat.
Okay.
So things were going well.
Chicken is on the grill.
I make some delicious sides.
Now husband comes over and I tell him I have great plans for us tonight.
Chicken should be ready.
I walk outside, take the top off of the grill and the chicken is crispy.
Good to go.
I go inside, grab a platter.
He follows me out.
I take the top off the grill.
Whenever I let it, when I tell you that chicken burst into flames.
Like it was ascending to hell.
God dang.
I am not kidding.
Now husband practically dies laughing.
I practically die of embarrassment.
We ended up ordering pizza.
Man.
That bitch lit.
Why did it catch on fire?
Because it was so hot when you take it off it allows extra air to come into the grill
and with all the fat dripping down just boom.
Jesus.
And on top of that the title is today I fucked up by not understanding what indirect heat
meant.
So it left it directly over the flames the entire time.
Damn.
Next one is by hot vaseline.
Yesterday my family and I stopped at a high end semi famous bakery.
I got my favorite thing there.
A huge almond croissant or croissant as these French people like to say.
So good that it will stop your heart.
My favorite part is the almond extract infused whipped cream.
I ate half last night then half for breakfast today.
After I finished I noticed a white and puffy glob on my leg.
I wasn't about to let any of that fabulous whipped cream go to waste.
So I popped it in my mouth immediately.
On a sad related note I'm being treated for a bacterial vaginitis.
Jesus.
It involves inserting a clear gel every night which apparently oxidizes white.
I spent the next five minutes crying and rinsing out my mouth.
It did not taste like almond extract.
It was the medicine.
Jesus.
The person the first comment is Jesus Christ what a day to be literate.
I don't know what vaginitis is.
Just reading something random is like oh lord.
Next one is by Chloe Fairy Dust.
This person puts.
So I recently decided to surprise my boyfriend by cooking a fancy romantic dinner.
I'm not exactly a master chef but I figured I could handle a nice steak with some fancy
sides.
I found a recipe online that included a red wine reduction sauce.
It looks simple enough so I thought why not.
Everything was going well until I got to the sauce.
I'm not much of a wine drinker so I didn't realize the bottle I grabbed from the back
of the cabinet had been opened for well months.
I poured it into the pan finished up the meal and proudly served it to my boyfriend.
He took one bite made a weird face and asked if the sauce was supposed to taste like that.
I tasted it and nearly gagged.
It was awful.
That's whenever I realized the wine was way past its prime and had turned into vinegar.
I might as well have poured battery acid on the steak.
We ended up ordering pizza instead and now he lovingly teases me about my fancy cooking
skills.
So the first one fucked up a beer can chicken and then this one fucked up.
Damn.
All these girls trying to cook and they can't.
I once thought it'd be a good idea to fucking cook a salmon right.
Over the sew top.
Right.
And just pour lemon juice all over it.
Oh.
Yeah you can already tell.
I was.
Shella sour.
It's like good lord.
Who's supposed to put lemon on the end.
Not wild as a man.
I was like.
Next one is by Hot Honey.
H-A-U-T-E.
Hot.
Oh God.
This person puts.
I a 24 a 23 year old female have IBS have had tummy issues and G-E-R-D since I was nine
years old.
Currently writing this on the toilet and a hot liquid pain.
Nowadays if I take my medication on all I have to deal with is a few days of constipation
once a month.
Trigger foods change randomly so I eat what I want whatever I want and usually only have
about a day of constipation if I take my protocol fast enough whenever I notice a lack of bowel
movement.
My protocol is a half cup of Miralax and a four ounces of prune juice clears me out nice
and easy but this time oh this time I was backed up today noticed it took a half cap
drank my four ounces nothing.
Frank Frank for more I guess supposed to be drank four more ounces on and on all night
and it finally hit.
There's not a solid to be found inside of my colon it's hot shit water and oh it burns
I'm on hour one of sitting on the toilet expelling my insides I may pass away here do not do
what I did give laxatives time to work and it will.
Godspeed friends.
She fucked up pretty bad you know mix Miralax and prune juice.
What was that fucking Sunday after we hung out with that shit.
Fucking four what did I say four times on Sunday and three times on Monday yeah like
I ate an orange at 9 a.m. Sunday and I shit that out at 1130.
Like it was still a whole I've been shit on a whole orange.
Like I don't know what happened that Saturday we hung out but I was fucking that pizza from
the flakes must have tore me over his honor what the fuck happened.
I'll never forget that never because I can drink us all these little bits.
I'm thirsty.
Something must have been wrong.
I know it was that stuff that you ate that sat out.
Yeah the chicken wrap that we call chicken wrap.
Exactly.
And the two week old tuna.
Fucked you well.
Yeah.
Next one is by specialist mud 511 spurs and puts.
Today I fucked up but by giving it to peer pressure at work.
I 25 year old male was at work in the break room whenever I noticed a bag on the table
with what looked like to be habanero peppers.
I'm not a pepper enthusiast and I don't know a lot about them.
My co workers noticed me checking out the bag and told me I should eat one.
I was hesitant at first but eventually they convinced me to do it.
I've eaten jalapenos before and I didn't think a habanero would be much worse.
I cautiously took a small bite.
It was pretty hot but not unbearable so in an attempt to look cool I took a big chunk
and popped it into my mouth.
It was hot as I was chewing and as I swallowed I realized I fucked up.
It started getting hotter and hotter and even hotter.
My co worker started laughing and said congratulations you just ate a carolina reaper.
Oh god.
Suddenly my mouth was on fire.
I throw burning.
As the minutes dragged by my stomach began bubbling and I began to desperately look for
milk or anything to help with the pain.
Nothing worse than your stomach bubbling and popping.
My co workers started frantically looking for anything to help.
I can feel tears running down my face but I don't dare to wipe my eyes.
After not finding any milk I end up eating four popsicles and a muffin to ease the pain.
Just to clarify the hottest thing I have eaten in months was a meatball sub with jalapeno
on it.
My body was not ready for this.
I'm now sitting here on the toilet seven hours later taking what is undoubtedly the most
painful unholy apocalyptic shit I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
And to edit.
Just to clarify I wrongfully assumed it was a habanero.
They just didn't correct me.
They didn't trick me into eating it in my opinion.
I should have been more cautious about what I eat and yes I know it's pure pressure.
Cause they misspelled pure pressure in the title which they put pure pressure.
What is it?
Peer pressure?
Peer.
P-E-E-R.
P-E-E-R?
Like your peers.
Oh.
Isn't it P-E-E-R?
P-E-E-R.
That's how it's supposed to be spelled but in the title he put P-U-E-R.
P-U-R-E.
Pure.
Pure pressure.
It was just pure pressure.
That's what it felt like anyway.
It was just pure pressure on my bowels.
This one is by Thub.
Today I fucked up by trying to help a stranded motorist with one arm.
I'm driving home from my lunch break and I see a car on the side of the road with a hood
up.
I live in a pretty rural area and I am proud to say we generally look out for each other.
I pull over and ask what's wrong.
The woman is in the car said it had just shut off while driving.
When she gets out I notice that she only has one arm and get to looking over her car.
I soon notice the wire has rattled loose from the battery terminal.
I found the missing nut and put it back on and the car fires right up.
She's super thankful and we chat for just a couple of minutes.
She offers money and I declined and inadvertently say something along the lines of you look
like you'd use a hand so I just wanted to help out.
I registered as soon as I said it.
I tried to fumble an apology and she's missing an arm.
She tried to brush it off and act like it didn't bother her but I could tell it did.
I feel so stupid.
She's all sad now.
How did she drive with one arm?
She was driving with one arm.
You could.
I guess.
I feel the safety of my second one just in case.
I drive with one hand all the time so that's fine.
As long as you're holding the steering wheel fine.
I could never drive it ten in two.
That's what it's ten in two.
It's always like you drive with one hand and you've got to do a sharp turn like I'm going
to use two.
Yeah, whatever you've got power steering.
But man, I've never had power steering so you know you've got to fight every damn four
arms like a fucking the Hulk.
That Mini Cooper is the fucking hardest.
I'm trying on a god dang Titanic.
Next one is by Oh Wonder.
So I usually do a few leg stretches before weightlifting and at the end I always do the
splits.
Once with the right and once with the left.
I guess like stretch out.
Today the right went completely fine.
When I went to do the left as soon as I got low as comfortable as low as comfortable my
entire leg snapped crap will popped.
Yeah, that must hurt.
I'm not even kidding from my toes to my hip.
The entire thing adjusted.
It was like cracking your bag but times 100.
The sound was so loud.
I heard it clearly even though where I'm wearing earbuds.
Damn, it's I'm still in the splits mind you watching with watching this happen.
My leg completely spazzes out with all sorts of directions.
I was able to slightly lean and get the other leg back in front of me.
But the feeling of my hip is so weird now.
Initially I felt okay and the cracking did release some pressure.
But now I can't even touch my toes without feeling uncomfortable or pain.
This did actually happen today.
So maybe some sleep and swimming tomorrow will help.
Part of me thinks it's just my body getting used to the adjustment or at least I'm hoping
it's not getting anything worse.
She is by who doing the splits though.
Oh, it's a crack.
So I couldn't I couldn't even pretend this blitz.
I couldn't even think about doing this.
This is fucking everything in my head.
I can't even think of it.
You can't even picture yourself doing it.
I'm boss I just ripped in half thinking about it.
Next one is by bellic4862.
This person puts.
So I normally don't drink milk as I'm mildly ever so slightly lactose intolerant.
However I do indulge sometimes in some strawberry milk.
Well instead of getting a small bottle I decided it'd be cheaper to get a half gallon of milk
and buy the syrup separately.
It sounds weird to me because he said like he's lactose intolerant right.
So I wouldn't even have the temptation of having milk in my house.
But he's like I'm gonna buy the whole day and some syrup.
I mean it's regularly drinks.
This is their end is the fuck up.
I made the milk and I realized it was really good.
So I ended up chugging a half gallon in 10 minutes last night.
I have God dang.
I wake up this morning and I have not been able to stop the onslaught of noxious gases
coming out of my back end.
And I mean they are rank.
The unfortunate part is I am currently in a homeless shelter and my bunkmates next to
me are getting the full force of it.
The next day the room is just dead.
Got a bio.
They got to recording off the whole fucking session.
The hazmat suits have to come in to remove the body.
It just killed the whole bottle.
Like imagine they didn't have enough beds.
They got to be like two little beds.
They sleep like foot to face.
So he's just fucking falling.
And it's just going into his sleep.
It's like sleeping in the carbon monoxide and you just fucking die in your sleep.
Only you two smell this.
Carbon monoxide at least.
He just dies in his sleep.
He dreams about drowning in a fucking landfill.
He dreams about dying the way that happened in medieval times.
The Earphers.
Or he fucking would be in a World War I with the mustard gas.
He just fucking dies in battle.
And he's just throwing up in his own sleep.
That's how he dies.
He doesn't die from like the fumes from throwing up in his own bowel.
He sees Hitler in the distance.
He about to take a shot.
And he misses.
Like he dies.
So if I can kill Hitler I can stop World War II.
That's so fucked up.
You ever heard about that legend?
Which one?
Hitler had Adolf Hitler in his sights during World War I.
And he just decided not to shoot him.
Really?
Yeah.
I've never heard that.
That one guy fucked this all up.
Pretty much, yeah.
Or maybe he didn't.
Maybe he made America number one because of World War II.
It's true.
But he just, he had him in the sights.
You know, Allies versus Axis.
They weren't the Axis then but they were still Germany.
Had a fucking 19 year old.
I don't know how old he was.
But it was like, you know, young Adolf Hitler, young enough to be recruited.
And he just fucking put his gun down.
And Hitler was looking right back at him.
Just streaming out Nazi stuff.
Which led to us dropping two sons on Japan.
Man, wild shit.
The same thing with that fucking wrong turn.
That archbishop that took a wrong turn and got shot.
Oh yeah, I remember you saying that.
Yeah.
Just a random shit.
You never know, it's weird.
Yeah.
Real life is weird sometimes.
Maybe we are in a simulation.
Only that shit would work in a fucking movie.
No, it'd be too, like if you seen that in a movie, it's like, that's fucking the corny
shit.
That's the corny shit I've ever seen.
Yep.
Next one is by Zorg, Zorg Galacticus.
This person puts, my friend and I have this weird tradition.
Is it Zorg the guy from Parinch?
Or is it Zordon?
Zordon, okay.
Yeah.
How, how fucking, uh, Brian Cranston?
In the movie was Brian Cranston?
Yeah.
He didn't fit the character very well.
At all.
I mean, like I understand why because he was in, wasn't he one of the first episodes, like
his voice?
Yes.
Was one of the bad guys?
Yes.
Right.
So he did a lot of the, well, he did a bunch of the Power Ranger villains and stuff.
Did he?
Yeah.
It wasn't just one, he did it a few times.
And they're like, well now he's fucking Walter White, might as well.
Yeah.
They take that publicity and add it to their movie.
Right, to the movie.
But that Megazord sucked though.
Horrible looking.
And even Goldar, it's like dang Goldar.
Uh, all right.
Uh, it says, my friend and I have a weird tradition where we will, uh, when we spot
each other in the store or somewhere, we'll yell moo.
Okay.
Like a cow.
We both know how to make realistic cow sounds.
And it's hilarious seeing the looks of people's faces when we do this.
He's got a job at Sonic.
Didn't tell me yet.
I look up and see my friend on the microphone.
So I pushed the button and moo at him.
We were sitting on the booth right next to rather than this rather large woman with the
tallest ice cream cone I've ever seen.
She was really going down on that truck.
Then I hear moo coming from the speakers next to me.
He belts out a couple more moves before I can push the button and tell him he's got
the wrong booth.
Damn.
He had allowed, he had been loudly mooing at the fat lady with the gigantic ice cream
cone.
She was furious.
He got fired.
She demanded to speak to the manager.
So I am the manager, ma'am, man.
He came out and with tears in his, tears in his eyes.
He came out and with tears in her eyes.
She shouted, he's making fun of me because I'm fat, mean ice cream.
Needless to say, my friend no longer works at Sonic.
I bet he doesn't.
Moo, bitch.
Banna sucks.
That's so fucked up.
I mean, I'd never talk to my friend again.
Yeah, yeah, fuck you, bro.
But apparently, imagine doing that like just anywhere though to each other.
Right.
They've probably gotten each other fired from like this.
They're at their funeral.
He's like, man.
Moo.
Moo, bitch.
All right.
And the last one for tonight is by choice swimming 6-8-6-5.
Choice swimming.
So this person puts.
Guess it finally happened.
I lost my virginity.
Today is the day I couldn't hold in my shit.
What day do you always hold?
Wait, so from that context, he means like he's been trying to hold in this shit his
whole life.
And he just finally, finally came all out in one go.
Just for context, I have IBS and I am recently recovering from COVID.
COVID has been giving me diarrhea and I still haven't been able to keep any food in for
the past week.
Well, it's Friday and I felt like treating myself after work.
So my boyfriend and I decided to go to this Thai place for dinner and in hindsight, thought
it was a great idea to order spicy green curry.
Why is it always a story like that?
I just said fuck it.
Let me eat some fucking lava.
It's always the same fucking thing.
Well, it's like a common stroke at this point.
I ate a piece of the sun and all of a sudden I couldn't stop shitting.
If you see enough of those.
Maybe it's still like that.
They get so tired of because it's constantly having to, you know, like nitpick their diet.
They're just like fucking and then fucking I'm going to eat it and then just fucking
ruin their whole fucking week.
After we finished dinner, we drove to the mall to do some shopping.
Once we got to the mall, my stomach started to hurt.
It started hurting on and off.
So I tried to look for the washrooms, but since the mall was undergoing renovations,
which I did not know about because I haven't gone to this mall in a long time, they only
had porta potties in parking lot.
Porta potties?
Since I didn't really want to use the porta potties, I had I thought I could just hold
it until I get home like I've done many times before.
That sucks.
Well, looking back, I should have just used the porta potties since our drive home took
about 35 minutes due to traffic.
On our way home, I really couldn't hold it anymore and just let it all go while apologizing
profusely since it's my boyfriend's car.
And it all came out.
Is that the song?
It all came down.
That's the song playing as she's fucking shitting herself.
So I had to sit in my pile of diarrhea for 20 minutes while stinking up my boyfriend's
car.
I want to know like what kind of...
Once we got home, boyfriend was very understanding and helped me get the plastic bags and extra
clothes so that I didn't have to drip diarrhea everywhere on my way into the house.
I then bagged and threw away my soiled clothes, took and cleaned the leather car seat covers,
took a shower and called it a day.
Now really hoping the car doesn't stink tomorrow, but damn, that was not a fun experience.
First comment, I have a few pantshitting stories I can share.
Shitting his britches like it's going out of style.
The comment is, whenever I was a kid, my father liked to gamble on the horses.
In New York, they had off track betting, facilities where you could go and bet on a horse.
He was supposed to be taking me and my two brothers from the grandfather's house to my
uncle's house a few blocks away, but the betting was on the way and being a horse race gambling
addict, he couldn't help but stop.
He led us in the car.
I was probably six and my brothers would have been four or three.
He said he'd be there in a minute.
Probably 30 minutes later, I felt the turn of the building.
I managed to fend off a dozen or so heaves, but they were getting stronger and more frequent.
I imagine his ass like, hold this fucking line.
He puckered his motherfucker.
Hold this motherfucking line.
Finally I couldn't hold it back any longer and I shit my pajamas.
I was watching this movie last night with John Cena called Jackpot on Prime, where in
California because of the recession, the year is now 2030, so in 2026 they made this lottery
that if you win the lottery, you are now legally immune or like, what's the word, legally,
I can't speak the right word for it, but you are now no longer protected under the government
or any type of law.
If anyone tries to kill you within that day that you won the lottery, they have until
sundown.
They get that lottery.
You have to survive.
If you get a little chip card and you put your thumb on it and you're now eligible for
the lottery, and the main character, Awkwafina, the actress, she just went from Michigan to
California because her mom just recently died and she wanted to go back into acting.
She used to be a child star.
She's doing an audition and the woman, her Airbnb host lent her some clothes and one
of her cards was in there and she accidentally put the thumb in print so now she was registered
into the lottery.
She won, everyone starts trying to kill her.
John Cena decides to help her because he's like a lottery protection agent.
He gets 10% of her $3.6 billion jackpot and he protects her for the whole day.
At one point, he needs help from a higher, like a bigger company because he can't protect
her and they realize that the company's like, they secretly kill the contestants and take
the money and they realize that so they're whispering to each other and at one point,
the guy that plays them is the guy that played Chang Li or Chang Shi, the 10 Rings guy.
They were both in the movie together, Awkwafina and-
Yeah, they were, weren't they?
He's like the bad guy in this movie and she tells him, because his name is Luis, it tells
him that, oh, I'm sorry, John Cena, he just sharted and the guy just like, I forgot the
guy's character, I forgot John Cena's name in the movie, but he's like, just fucking
clutch your butt cheeks, what the fuck's wrong with you?
Clutch your ass cheeks, be a man.
Be a man, clutch your cheeks.
Because apparently him and John Cena and Luis used to be mercenaries and John Cena left
the team because he couldn't do all these horrible crimes, they were basically doing
crimes like war crimes and he couldn't, now he was trying to pay it forward by helping
as many people as he could and so he needed that money from helping the lottery people
and so when they, they're old fucking rivals because they used to be teammates, now they're
rivals, so the way they talk to each other, they've known each other for years, just fucking
clutch your butt cheeks shut, Jesus Christ man, just like, clutch your butt cheeks shut,
because he sharted himself, clutch your butt cheeks shut, I've never heard that.
I've never heard that before.
Clutch your butt cheeks shut.
Imagine trying to do that, where he's like, oh.
You know what only works when you have to shit?
Yeah.
Like if you try to clutch them now, they wouldn't feel right, but when you got to shit, you
feel them clenching in.
You start sweating.
Oh man, but man, when you hit that toilet, like a fucking punch coming through, fucking
a kung fu fucking bah.
Yeah that was a good, it was, I wouldn't say it's like the greatest movie ever, but you
know, I watched it from fucking 1 a.m. to 3.44 in the morning, so I must have liked
it.
I hope you wonder, like I guess her main, I guess it's a starring role.
And John Cena is a delightful character.
And you know, the actor, wasn't it like something Lee?
I feel like it's Steven Lee, but I don't want to be racist.
The Shang-Chi actor?
But yeah, like he's in the movie too, it's really good.
It's a good like quick popcorn movie.
Yeah, like if you're not expecting anything crazy anyway, yeah.
How everybody goes into some movies expecting them to be the greatest thing in the world.
I think that's how it ever fucking lived, which is why movies like Endgame and Avengers
Infinity War are a problem because they're going to watch the big thing next time.
See Mulu.
Yeah, so he was the one playing the bad guy.
Wearing all white too.
Just fucking clutch your butt, see, shut.
Just clutch him.
Jesus Christ, he's so mad at him.
That's it today.
Another podcast down.
I was just glancing through this one.
Six thousand fucking subscribe.
We don't have anybody.
I was glancing through the rest of that post.
Oh my God, he has shit himself a lot.
Like three or four more times listed just like shit, dude.
Like he's literally shit himself.
Professional shitter.
So what you gonna do next time, okay, when you shit yourself this time?
That's why I wear three layers of pants.
That's why my underwear are the kind that are sealed.
Like a rubber pants.
He puts rubber bands on his legs.
So you were spilling down.
That's the worst part.
Like the shit would just fucking frail on your fucking legs, Lord.
Hard have mercy.
All right.
Well, with that, we will see you guys on the next one.