Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite or none of
movies, games, crime, books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
Let's go ahead and get started.
So growing up, I used to, I found this show at IFC back when IFC was cool.
And it was just a random channel in the middle of all these other like major channels like
USA Network and TNT and TBS.
And it was just tucked away, a little nothing channel called IFC.
And they had this little sketch show that came on that was bought from a different company
or a different channel.
It had transferred over to IFC called The Whiteest Kids You Know.
And it was basically just a sketch show with the same troupe throughout five seasons.
I didn't know the show actually ended at five seasons, because I actually watched the show
when it started in season two.
It started in IFC in season two.
And season one was on a different channel.
So they just had those shows like a rerun until the new season started.
So I actually watched the whole series all the way through until it was over.
But back then, 2010 or whatever it came out, I can't remember, I didn't have much access
to the internet.
And you can't just like, is my show canceled?
When is it going to come back?
There's not that level of like, what's the word I'm looking for?
There's not that level of just like information out there.
Like you were in the dark.
Yeah.
Like is my show coming back or not?
Like back then, I don't know how I kept up with South Park, because I never had the internet.
Like when the South, you just had to watch the channel.
And one day it would say like new season of South Park coming on in April.
So I just watched IFC all the way through.
And I always wondered like, I wonder how about the show?
It never came back on.
And it just ended, you know, it's run.
And I recently just rediscovered it on Tubi.
All five seasons and a movie that they did.
And I forgot how much I love the show coming up.
And so I figured I would watch, there's five seasons on Tubi, 10 episodes a piece.
So I'd watch five episodes.
And from every episode, I would give you my favorite skit that I've rediscovered.
And because The Boys is coming out June 13th, I'm also going to do, so I'm going to do five
episodes of White's Kids You Know, and the newest episode of The Boys.
But unfortunately, it doesn't come out to the 13th.
So we're just going to do White's Kids You Know for now.
The first five episodes of season one, my favorite skits of every episode.
And maybe some bonus stuff along the way.
So the cast, or the troop, I guess, because they were called The White's Kids You Know,
consisted of Sam Brown, Zach Krieger, Trevor Moore, Darren Trumeter, and Timmy Williams.
And yes, they're all white, if you're wondering.
They were all black, you know.
That would be pretty funny.
The whitest black that you've ever met.
Oh, it's Keon Peele.
Out of all of them, they're like in their early 40s.
They're not that old.
And unfortunately, Trevor Moore died a couple years ago at 41.
He just had some accident out of his house, and he just fell out of his second story window.
And he had blunt force trauma that killed him.
So wasn't drugs or anything at least?
Alcohol.
I guess he got super drunk or something.
I don't know.
I can't remember the story as well.
I mean like overdose, is what I was saying.
No, no.
I guess he got a little tipsy and just tipped over.
Maybe he was looking out in the sunshine.
And he just fell over.
And I remember watching when he died, because I was like, oh yeah, the Whites Kid, I remember
that show.
And I was watching some videos a couple years back when he died, because it was on YouTube.
And the four of them were doing live streaming and reminiscing about their time as the Whites
Kid You Know.
And then of course, you know, after that little tribute, I moved on.
And now we're back to the Whites Kid You Know on the show, on Tubi.
Tubi's a great fucking streaming service.
It just popped out of nowhere.
I guess it just has so much gems.
Well, you know, to be fair, for it being a platform that you have to watch commercials
and stuff, it still has more of a diverse set of shows than Netflix.
Right.
Like it just has so much to watch, the stuff you like, you would not even think of watching.
But you also know that movies like Black Adam did horrible.
If they're on Tubi.
And they're already on Tubi.
And they don't let them.
They stay there for months and months.
And that's the good stuff that takes for a couple days and then leaves.
Plus, I mean, the people that let their stuff get distributed on Tubi, like they're getting
that money through commercial reimbursements and all that.
Like all the money they're making.
Well, that's an advertising.
Well, I've said it for years.
I'm willing to watch a commercial if it's free.
You know what I mean?
Like how Hulu, they still make you watch commercials, even if you're paying for the shit.
So OK, so the first five episodes of the Whites Kid You Know.
So we start with episode one.
And my favorite sketch of that one was basically set in like the after the Civil War.
And it's Hamlet.
So it's Sam.
I'll give you the names of the people in the plot in the actual skit.
So Sam and Timmy are on stage and they're doing the Hamlet's play, you know, the Shakespeare
play.
Except there's a twist on it.
And like Timmy's like, OK, Hamlet, we're going to figure out how to defeat this vampire
army.
And Hamlet's like, of course, of course.
So Timmy gets off screen and comes back like, oh, Hamlet, I got bit by a fucking vampire.
I'm dying.
And his I guess her ratio or something.
He dies.
And the Hamlet's like, damn it.
And he walks off and he turns it back to Timmy's dead body.
And Timmy reanimates as a vampire and starts sticking up behind him.
And you hear someone off screen say like, oh, shit, oh, shit, Hamlet, look out.
Oh, Hamlet, you got a vampire behind you.
And so Trevor, who's playing playing a character named John and Darren is playing his his wife.
They're in the audience and they're getting upset or John's getting upset because this
guy up on the balcony is, you know, talking through the play.
And he finally said, like, sir, could you please be quiet?
And like, I don't know who the fuck said that?
Which one you lame pieces of shit said that?
And it goes up to a balcony.
It's fucking Abraham Lincoln.
Which one you motherfuckers said that?
Was it you, string bean?
It's funny because throughout the whole argument between the two of them, at one point, he
says like, John says something to him and then Zach's like, what?
What?
Just fully dressed up as Abraham Lincoln.
What?
Like, hey, guess what?
And John's like, what?
And for whatever reason, they decided to because Trevor Moore or Trevor Moore was six foot
four and like super lanky.
They probably weighed like one hundred and five pounds.
So throughout the whole shit, it's like, you fat piece of shit, you fucking tubular.
They just call it your fucking beached whale.
I'm like, what?
Because it made no sense.
But that's what made it funny.
Yeah.
So he keeps escalating.
And eventually, I should I'm going to do what I should have done the first when I or when
I first he said something I can't remember.
Like, I should have done this when I at first or something.
I can't explain it properly how he said it.
But he gets a hammer.
He goes up there and Abraham Lincoln comes to the balcony.
What you doing, you fat piece of shit?
What are you going?
So basically, he gets up to the balcony and starts fucking smashing him with his hammer.
Right.
And Abe's like, don't stop hitting me in my butt.
Don't break my butt.
And it cuts to Timmy and Timmy and Sam.
And he's like, that's right.
Historians were too afraid at the time to tell you how Abe Haley can really that it
turns out that Trevor was John Willis Booth.
And he's like how he really died.
He got hammered in the ass so hard he died of a broken ass.
So that was the cinematography of it because they have a point where the balcony is up
on the background, right?
And it's slanted up and you have Trevor's face in the foreground and you just see fucking
Zach going what?
What?
Like pulling his hands out.
What?
In the distance.
It's fucking hilarious.
It's a perfect scene that I love.
And I remember it ever since.
Like when I first saw it again, I'm like, oh yeah, my favorite scene.
Just the way it was laid out.
And so yeah, he got hammered in the ass like don't break my butt.
Don't break my butt.
He's breaking my butt.
And you just see Trevor fucking racking him on the ass.
All right.
I don't know if somebody really did die like that.
I mean, I meant to get your fucking ass broken with fucking heart.
Like your fucking tailbone just fucking shattered.
It's like, well, I can't shift for I got to shit through his hose.
I mean, guess we'd have to ask Tom Holland.
He's all right.
He can take a could be.
He got his ass broken in.
I mean, broken in, not broken.
What's the difference with that one?
And like, you know, it's elastic.
It comes and it pops back.
Once it's broken, it's like completely irreparable.
All right.
So episode two, it's the very last skit and it's got Sam, Trevor and Zach.
And it starts with this like really heartfelt music.
And it's like one of those war movies where it's like, oh, three brothers sent to war
on the same platoon.
Right.
Yeah.
And you see the scenes like first it shows Sam, he's smoking a cigarette.
He's got that thousand, a thousand yard stare.
Like he just survived a really brutal battle.
It's got Zach throwing a gun over his head and looking over the camera.
Right.
And it's got it's got Trevor like putting a helmet on like all serious.
And then it cuts to them moving around in formation in the woods.
And they start doing that stupid brother stuff where they start hitting each other like,
stop.
They start punching each other like one hits one.
Right.
And they're like, I got to hit you back because we got to be even.
We have to be even.
So they start beating the hell out of each other.
Right.
It's not even.
I got to hit you back.
It's not even.
And eventually it escalates to Trevor grabbing Sam's grenade pin and pulling it off.
And he and Zach's like, don't pull his grenade.
And the shit just blows up and fucking like just blows up Sam's stomach.
And he just lays there screaming his guts out.
And they're like, be quiet.
We're going to get in trouble.
Be quiet.
You're going to get in trouble too.
Be quiet.
Like we're going to take your pants if you don't be quiet.
So they start taking his fucking pants off.
He's like, I'll take my pants.
So it stays on that scale of like absurdity.
Like brother like juvenile like, oh, his brother got hurt.
So you try to keep him quiet so that when mom don't find out, he's over here.
Fucking guts spilled out.
Be quiet.
We're going to spit on you.
Don't spit on me.
They fucking start spitting on him.
It was such an absurd scene, but I loved it.
Episode three.
Now, a few times there were these scenes that with Zach, because in the show he had shaved
head, it wasn't a buzz cut.
Cause or no, it was a buzz cut.
It was cause he wasn't fully shaved, but it was a buzz cut.
It was like as low as he can go.
And there were skits that would show up in the episodes that were him with really long
hair like shaggy hair, like kind of like shaggy.
Yeah.
Like actual like Scooby Doo shaggy hair.
And I'm assuming they were stuff he did on his own that they were able to put in the
show once the show got picked up.
Cause it was only him and some of these, him and Trevor.
And they knew each other since college.
So they might have been done little skits, like random stuff.
And they felt like, oh, let's show these old stuff on the show that we now have.
So as Zach comes out of the fucking bathroom screaming and crying and begging for help,
right.
And he's just pissing all over the floor and he's like, and then it stops suddenly.
He's pissing, right.
And he's like fucking great.
Cause he had been pissing nonstop for 10 minutes.
So he had run outside to get some help.
And the minute he goes outside, he stops pissing and all the people in the office are watching
him, right.
Be a fucking absurd.
He's like, oh, there's the girl I like.
Did you like me before this?
And she's like, yeah.
Would you like to go out with me now?
Like, no.
He's like, fuck.
So just go out fucking pissing yourself.
I mean 10 minutes of nonstop pissing would be a little terrifying.
I don't know if you have that much water in your body.
Apparently he did.
He had 10 minutes and 30 seconds cause he came out there screaming for help.
And he just stopped pissing once he got outside.
But I mean, would you run outside begging for, I guess I would, I don't know.
No.
You just keep pissing till it's over?
Just to just accept the fate.
You just fucking pass out of dehydration.
All right.
So we move on to episode four.
It was the same one as another Zach one of him just with his shaggy hair.
It's him and Trevor.
It's a really close up camera and it's just their upper torso.
They're both tall as fuck, like six two and Trevor's six four.
And you don't know that when you watch the show, if you ever met them in person, they're
fucking huge.
Yeah.
And it's just them on the fucking on the street and it's fucking freezing cause you can see
their breath.
Zach's like, I tried to eat a white castle cheeseburger through a straw yesterday just
to see if I could.
It's the darkest day of my life.
That's all it was.
They just fucking cut away.
I mean they are crazy burgers.
I don't know why it was such a dark day because I guess his life is so dull.
That was the most exciting.
Try to suck up a cheeseburger.
Trevor just looking at him with wide eyes like, whoa, he didn't say one word.
I guess it was a, I guess they do a bonus skit on that one because they were having
a courtroom debate or a courtroom murder trial and Trevor's character's name was named lawyer
Steen.
They just took lawyer and that's the trophy.
I guess there's a bonus one on episode four with Zach and Darren and Trevor.
Trevor's a waiter at a restaurant.
Zach is the boyfriend and Darren plays a woman a lot.
You're going to find that out real quick.
He just fit, I guess that he's almost like the stray man sometimes in the show.
He must've been really good behind the scenes, but on camera he was more like the just the
regular guy.
So he's the girlfriend and Zach tells him that he just found out he has a brain tumor.
So they start fucking bawling because he tells Darren, I was going to tell you because I
was afraid you were going to leave me and they start crying, I'll never leave you baby
and they're just crying their fucking eyes out to the point that it's absurdly comedic.
It's not serious.
You get to that point where you have to make sure that it's funny.
If it was too serious, I feel terrible, but they did that absurd level of crying where
you're like, wow.
So they can't even speak English anymore.
The waiter comes out, Trevor, he's like, would you like to hear today's specials?
And like, I guess fucking, fucking Zach's wiping his face and he's like, well, if we have a
delicious salmon with a white wine sauce, it's very popular tonight.
We have a clam chowder that cures brain tumors.
We have a, and then he says something else, right?
And it's funny because Zach had a brain tumor and the fucking clam chowder cures brain tumors
and says, wait, go back.
What'd you say?
So I go, the salmon with the white wine sauce?
No, the second one.
I go, clam chowder that cures brain tumors?
And Zach just stands there for a second.
Well, I want that one.
He's like, it'll cure my brain tumor.
Does it work?
He's like, yes, it works sufficiently well.
So it's not as funny, but it's just random.
So clam, like they solved it.
Zach had the brain tumor, the clam chowder cured it.
They're okay.
Number episode five, not as funny.
There's something, there's one with a ghost and Zach.
Zach goes to this medium who's Darren and he wants to find out if he's going to get
the promotion.
It's not like comedic, but to me it's funny.
It's fun because of the continuity.
So he finds out that there's these ghosts around because he's got this special aura
that ghosts love.
And so he wants to, so he's all excited.
Oh wow.
Then he finds out that one of the ghosts is teabagging him the whole time.
So he fucking flips the fuck out and like he tries to use it.
He just like, he trying to like, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta figure out how to deal with this bullshit.
So don't you want to know if you get the promotion?
I don't give a fuck about the promotion.
This motherfucker's on my, ball sack on my head.
So he leaves.
And like a, like two skits later, Timmy's, the whole gang's in the same, I love when
the whole group's together.
The whole gang's in a boardroom and Timmy's like trying to like, trying to teach them
how to like get their sales up, right?
Like how you gotta do is you do this, you do that, you do that and bam, you fire your
secretary, save all that money.
And Timmy gets fired.
So he's like, bam, just like that.
And he fucking walks out the room, right?
And Sam is laughing at Zach and Zach's like, oh, you can see them, right?
You have the vision.
These fucking ghosts had their balls on my hat for six and a half weeks.
And you find out that Sam's laughing because Zach's got a little piece of food in his teeth,
not because he can see the ghost.
Then he gets the promotion.
It's like, oh, I love your fucking outburst.
Your, your outside thinking, you get a promotion.
He starts jacking off the ghost.
Zach starts to go, thank you, ghost.
And the fact that they continued that like, you didn't realize it was a continuation until
like the, like you have the vision, huh?
You can see them, see them with the balls on my head.
The fact that they can, it was continuity was funny to me.
The only thing that would have been better is that they started that skip first, the
one with the medium.
And then the, the, the, then the second sit at the end of the episode, like, oh yeah,
that's like, it was like a longer callback for the ones that were really paying attention.
But like, but it basically was the medium, another skit, and then the skit with the,
him getting a promotion.
That's the only thing that really drew me off.
Just put like, you should have seen it the whole episode.
Yeah, like they should have looked at them.
Yeah.
Cause that would have been like, you know, if you're paying attention, like it's, but
it's more of a treat for the Easter eggs, like I have fishnados like myself.
Yeah.
But other than that, I just love the continuity.
Plus I love Zach's delivery.
Oh, you can see them.
You have the vision, do you?
You're deadpan serious.
And the other guy's probably thinking, no, I see something.
He's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
So that is the first five episodes of season one of the whitest kids you know, we'll be
moving on to the boys season four, episode one and part two of season one for the next
week.
I'll make sure to watch the boys, the day, the morning before we get to the record.
Are they doing it serialized?
Yeah, they do it once a week.
So they're not just dropping it all?
No, I know.
At least let's me catch up to season one through three though.
Yeah.
I can watch that catch up to this week.
Be ready for it next week.
You can go back and see what's his name.
Is it what is the, the, the water guy in that?
The deep.
Oh yeah.
There are some fucked up scenes with him.
All his scenes seem fucked up.
She just starts shoving her hands into his gills.
I think it actually hurt him, didn't it?
Yeah.
Where he's like, stop, stop.
No, I like this.
I don't like it.
Where he got to fill it out.
Pancakes, pancakes is my say for pancakes.
Would you really use that if you said it for pancakes?
No.
You almost thought us.
And you fucking lied to us.
My say for it is Selena Gomez.
Selena Gomez.
Random as fuck.
I'm not a fan.
This is the randomest name I can think of.
What would be the Taylor Swift?
I heard you turn it turns out she's a Swifty.
You like Taylor Swift?
No, it's my say for it.
Please pull the dildo out of my asshole.
The two dildos.
Fucking dildos.
One of those fucking things that they use at doctor's where they spread butt cheeks.
The things that they can look down your asshole.
What the fucks?
It's like what was it?
Oh fuck.
I am horrible with words today.
Oh, you see him do you?
You have the sight.
I do.
I do have the sight.
I love that.
That delivery was beautiful.
Oh, you see them do you?
He was over after six and a half weeks.
More than six and a half weeks I'm trying to like exercise him and meet other meat you
know what I mean?
Dude.
He's got to deal with it.
Just fucking knowing that there's balls on his fucking, on the bottom of his head.
What would you do?
I don't feel them.
I don't care.
No, if you just knew that they were there.
If you didn't feel them but you knew.
I wouldn't give a shit.
I can't do nothing about it.
I can't see them either.
Unless I got those tingles you feel on your top of your head sometimes.
Wait a minute.
That was what that was?
You sons of bitches.
Somebody tea bagging your head?
Just for, it's for eternity.
That would suck so bad.
It's just that Ryuk up there doing that to you from death note.
Just tea bagging you endlessly.
Hey human.
You got any apples?
I got two of the size.
Say how about a hang?
Uh.
Well, time for a transition into another segment.
Into another segment?
Alright, well we got two things to cover today.
Bamboozled.
Two things to cover.
The first one we'll go over is decently short but it is Green Arrow.
It was a comic book set called Quiver.
Or a volume called Quiver.
It's a porn series too.
Of course it is.
Called Quiver.
Because she's empty and she wants her arrows.
Shaking Quiver.
Alright, this was in, the series started off in April of 2001.
Publisher obviously is DC Comics.
Publication date was from February through November of 2001.
It was Green Arrow's titles 1 through 10.
So it covered 10 comic books.
The main characters are Green Arrow, Mia Dearden, Hal Jordan, and Black Canary.
The writer was Kevin Smith.
Kevin Smith huh?
My boy.
I got a few of his books.
Do you?
Yeah.
Penciler was Phil Hester.
Anchor was Andy Parks.
Letterer was Sean Kinnott.
And the colorist was Guy Major.
He had like the most military name there.
Guy Major.
I killed 50 men.
Alright, so basically the story starts off having learned of Green Arrow's recent death
during his return to Earth in the final night crisis.
Hal Jordan revives Green Arrow from the dead.
Because he had been killed before, like before Hal Jordan knew about this.
But the resurrection Green Arrow, this is a story that's been told by the rest of the
series.
The resurrection Green Arrow, the resurrected Green Arrow only possesses Oliver's memories
up to the events prior to the Longbow Hunters.
Which was one of Green Arrow's stories.
Okay.
With an examination of his body revealing that he is missing several old scars sustained
after that point though.
So that's how they figured out how old or what place he was revived from.
The resurrected Oliver Queen tries to figure out his place in this new world aided by the
seemingly benevolent Stanley Dover who took him in after he was rescued Stanley after
he rescued Stanley from a mugging.
He interacts with important people from his past including Black Canary, the Justice League,
Batman, and Roy Harper.
He also takes on a ward Mia Dearden who becomes the new Speedy at this time.
So that's how we get the female Speedy instead of Roy Harper.
I don't know there was a female one.
Before the new 52.
Before the new 52 ruined everything.
As turned out though Green Arrow was revived in his body but not soul.
So his soul was never returned to him.
He got no soul?
No.
Since Oliver Queen himself preferred to remain in heaven.
He's like I ain't leaving.
But recognized his friend's need to bring something back.
Basically Hal Jordan.
He just throw some random soul into his body?
No it's soulless.
So it's a body with no soul.
So it's just Sam Winchester?
Kind of yeah.
I think that's probably where they got the idea from.
The old Kevin Smith pro storyline?
Yeah.
Was he more efficient as a hunter?
When he was soulless?
Yeah because he didn't think about anything.
Damn fucking robot.
Yep.
The body's memory stopped when they do because Oliver felt that things went wrong for him
after he took a life whenever he killed a rapist.
It'd be alright.
But that's why his...
I wouldn't mark it as a kill.
Why just a serve?
Just a serve.
You deserve that.
But that's why his body doesn't have the scars after that point because it resurrected his body from before that happened.
The results in him being attacked by Etrigan the demon.
Due to his status as a hollow.
A soulless being who can be used by some demons to gain access to earth.
Or is it you go when you need them?
Exactly.
He's soulless.
Oh yeah.
Jordan.
Hal Jordan.
Damn when did Bleach come out?
Now I'm wondering who got whose ideas?
All of a sudden.
That sounds way too close.
Unless the writer did that on purpose.
The one that would do a recap?
Could be.
No no he was considered a hollow in the actual book.
Oh.
That does...
That starts raising a lot of questions now.
I'll have to look to see when...
Holy shit.
Yeah.
Jordan as the specter transports Oli out of Etrigan's reach and brings him back to heaven to talk with his soul.
So he brings the body back to talk to the soul even though they both have minds.
So what's up bro?
However whenever the soul prefers to remain in heavy.
Oliver is heaven.
Oli is sent back down to capture to be captured by Dover.
The guy that had rescued him at the beginning.
The person named Ben?
Yeah he's a...
Ben Dover?
Ben Dover.
Yes.
What was it?
Dover is really a practitioner of the black arts who intends to transfer his soul into
Oliver's body.
And that was the whole plan all along.
That's a long guy.
Because he already knew that Oliver didn't have a soul.
You just feel it like I see that there's one right there.
Or if you're messing with black arts and stuff I think he kind of knew.
A spell only possible due to Oliver's lack of a soul.
And then he uses the JLA watchtower monitoring system to track down the beast with no name.
A benevolent demon he summoned to grant himself immortality.
Well someone is Steven.
Don't be so fucked up.
Was that his ID?
My name is Steven.
With no name aka Steven.
As Connor Hawk fights to save his father.
You know who Connor Hawk is?
Yeah I'm assuming it's Green Arrow's son.
But he was also acting Green Arrow when Oliver had disappeared.
So.
The house being protected by a blood seal that prevents anyone from entering if they
are not related to the inhabitant.
So.
It's actually kind of smart though.
Except for the fact that Connor Hawk has Oliver's blood.
So.
You know.
Dover makes contact with his soul while Dover attempts the ritual to take control over Oliver's
body.
Convincing the soul to leave heaven and rejoin with his body to save their son.
So he's like you know what.
Fuck it.
Goddamn kids even when I'm dead they need me.
Because you see him he calls for Hal Jordan.
Since the Hal Jordan is the specter at this point.
And asks him to send him back to his own body.
So he does.
With the two Green Arrows having fought off Dover's demons.
They are saved by the beast with no name.
Which returned them all to the hell dimension whatever where they were summoned from.
The beast subsequently devours Dover.
Just eats.
Completely eats him.
Who leaves Oliver and Connor in Dover's house.
Revealing that Dover left everything to Oliver.
Back whenever he believed he would be inheriting Oliver's body.
So he transferred all his wealth into Oliver's name.
That dumb son of a bitch.
Yeah.
And encouraged Oliver to use Dover's house and resources to fight evil in Star City.
Since this was a benevolent name.
He's like you know what.
Yeah.
Just use this shit.
Here you go.
That's how it ends there.
To Nike 47.
So basically they tried to take Oliver's body.
It didn't work out and.
He got eaten.
Wonder how well Kevin writes these type of stories.
He's more known for his like slice of life.
New Jersey-esque stories.
So I wonder how he does it.
What other ones has he written?
I think he's written some for Kato.
You know Green Hornet Sidekick.
Oh okay okay okay.
I forgot about Kato.
It's been a long time since I've even seen that movie.
That was a horrible movie.
Kato?
No.
Green Hornet.
Oh yeah.
With Seth Rogen.
I thought I liked it.
It appealed to me.
I thought it was a little too on the comedic side.
Yeah maybe.
Not like too much but just a little too much.
You'll need to find that perfect balance as well.
Maybe it just says Rogen wasn't the right choice for it.
I know the guy who played Kato was.
Why Cameron Diaz was it I'm not still not sure.
That was a random choice.
Hmm.
The villains were okay.
Especially the final action sequence.
Their car just goes through it.
I'll never forget the final sequence.
Their car just goes through the ringer.
I think it makes it all the way up to the very end.
And then they finally have to use an escape pod to get out.
And it looks like the manga for Bleach was started in 2001.
August 7th 2001.
The same time?
Yeah.
They just have like a mutual idea.
That's crazy.
The phenomenon exists where there's a mutual like.
Mutual kind of idea.
Yeah.
Like it's both like developed differently but it's still the same.
Yeah.
Weird.
A little bit ain't it?
It's wild.
I mean I know that Kubo the writer for Bleach.
He had been writing stories and developing the characters when he was in high school.
So but like the actual publication started in 2001.
It's fucking wild.
He also had the idea of hollows and solas.
I know isn't that weird?
It's kind of cool in a way.
Because as soon as I read that you know like because I still have the graphic novel that
has the collection of all ten of those comics on it.
But it's like huh.
That's I didn't expect that but okay.
It's like sure.
The other thing that we have today is it's going to bore the hell out of no way.
But we have the the overview of who the specter is.
Okay.
Like from beginning to end.
It's a little bit longer than one that we just covered.
If you're listening to the podcast anyway because it's going to be its own standalone
episode regardless.
Obviously the specter is from DC Comics.
First appeared in more fun comics in February of 1940.
So a while back he's a pretty damn old character.
He was created by Jerry Sagal and Bernard Bailey.
Jerry Sagal was he one of the supermen?
I believe so yeah.
His real name is Aztar the angel.
Quite the choice.
Yeah.
Aztar.
Of course he's went by other names since like the like you only find out his name kind
of fairly recently before the New 52 though.
But he's always went by the names of his various hosts that he had.
He has been associated with the Justice Society of America, the All-Star Squadron, the Archangels,
Justice League and Justice League Dark.
He's had partnerships with his human hosts Jim Corgan, Hal Jordan and Crispus Allen.
And let's see here.
Notable aliases.
He has went by the Spirit of Vengeance, the Spirit of Redemption, the Avenging Wrath of
God, the Ghostly Guardian and the Man of Darkness.
So it's got a good set of aliases here.
The Man of Darkness.
There's gonna be a Batman one there.
I think that's it.
Yeah.
And an alternate story.
He's been associated with Oliver Queen from the Arrowverse where Oliver Queen became somehow
the Spectre.
In the Arrowverse?
He did?
It was stupid.
Stupid and wild.
And that's the whole reason I'm combining these two in this podcast.
Did you have Green Arrow?
Yeah, that was part of the B.I.D. Universe too.
He wrote a few stories for The Flash.
Yeah.
And he had the actual characters of him and JSI and Lov in there.
Remember that.
I think that's why they incorporated the Spectre into that.
Because he had a huge contribution to the Redemption arc of Spectre.
Alright, starting off with Golden Age.
The Spectre debuted in Morphin Comics in February 1940 with a hard-boiled cop Jim Corrigan on
his way with his fiance Clarice to their engagement party.
He's murdered by thugs who stuff him into a barrel filled with cement.
Which, Jesus, that got dark quick as fuck.
Which is then thrown into a body of water.
It's never specified as the what body of water.
Could have been a river, could have been a little lake, pond, nobody knows.
They just throw him in some...
They just find some fucking backyard with a block.
Ah, bitch!
Corrigan's spirit is refused entrance into the afterlife and is instead sent back to
Earth by an entity referred to only as The Voice to eliminate evil.
The Spectre seeks bloody vengeance against Corrigan's murders in grim supernatural fashion.
And that is one thing, like the old books and the ones from the early 2000s with the
Spectre, they were very gruesome.
He just takes a whole bunch of change, right?
And he magically levitates it up to someone's ass and they come out with rolls of coin.
Like a full roll of...
Just with body parts wrapped around it.
No, like actual rolls of coin.
It was all supernatural, like what the fuck.
One of them is turned into a skeleton upon touching him.
Corrigan then soon creates his signature costume, breaks off his romance with Clarice,
and continues to live as Jim Corrigan.
Assuming that...
I can't date you in the spirit of vengeance.
Get off of you whore.
Assuming the secret identity of Spectre whenever he is needed.
He eventually turns down an offer to relinquish his mission to destroy all evil.
The Spectre is soon awarded charter membership in the first ever superhero team,
The Justice Society of America, in all-star comics.
Jim Corrigan is resurrected in more fun comics, January 1942,
after which the Ghost...the Spectre's ghostly form enters and emerges from Jim Corrigan,
functioning independently of him.
During the mid-1940s, the popularity of the superhero comics began to decline,
and the Spectre was reduced by playing the role of guardian angel
to a bumbling character called Perseval Pop, the Supercop.
Perseval Pop? The Supercop?
I have never seen...
I've never heard of that.
Or sorry, Perseval. Perseval.
Perseval Pop.
The Supercop.
That'd be a hard fucking name to say all the time.
Perseval, you dumb son of a bitch.
He first appeared in More Fun 74, December 1941,
when Corrigan enlisted in the military and...
By the way, the comics declined that quick from one year to the next.
Yeah.
He debuted in 40, and then by 41 it was always declined to superhero comics.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
I know. Quick.
I thought I'd touch your best fan was low now.
Well, it was because of World War II.
I thought they liked comics more because they had nothing to do overseas.
They were just shipping out comics like by the fucking truckload.
So when Corrigan enlisted in the military and departed to serve in World War II
in More Fun Comics 90, April 1943...
That sounds a lot of fun. More fun.
More fun.
Even more fun. World War II.
The Spectre became permanently invisible,
becoming a secondary player in his own series.
The feature finale installment was in issue 101, February 1945,
and the Spectre made his last appearance in the superhero group
the Justice Society of America at roughly the same time
in All-Star Comics number 23, winter 1944 through the 45.
Damn.
So that was a golden age original Spectre.
Yeah.
The one that was the wrath of God, but...
It had that kind of golden age setting for him.
He had some gruesome things, but not what you would expect.
Mostly from now.
He wasn't licking skulls like Blackest Night.
Silver Age.
In the mid-1950s and 60s, Silver Age comic books,
DC Comics editor Julius Schwartz revived the Spectre
and returned him to the role of a venging undead spirit.
Beginning in Showcase 60 in 1966,
underwriter Gardner Fox and penciler Murphy Anderson,
his power was vastly increased,
and at times he approached omnipotence.
In 1987, magazine retrospective on the character said
that this revival had been initially...
God, if I can even fucking talk.
This revival had been initially announced
as a team-up with Dr. Midnight.
After a three-issue tryout in Showcase,
the Spectre appeared in the superhero team
Justice League of America number 46 through 47
in that year's team-up of the titular group and its 1940s
predecessors, the Justice Society of America.
A few months later, he co-starred with the Silver Age Flash
in The Brave and the Bold number 72.
The Brave and the Bold.
He actually appeared with the Flash in that Batman series.
Mm-hmm.
It's the most iconic voice so far.
No, Kevin Conner was gray,
but just the guy that did it was so hilarious.
It was a lot more fun than we went.
The Spectre was given his own title premiering in 1967
while simultaneously making another appearance
in The Brave and the Bold in 75.
This time teaming up with Batman,
which that kind of actually fits though,
Batman and the Spectre.
Well, he was in the show too, I think.
Come to think of it, that Batman, Brave and Bold?
Yeah, with The Phantom Stranger.
Yeah, I forgot about that.
Where they had a bet between the two of them.
Mm-hmm.
On what way I think Bruce would go.
Wow.
The vengeful way or the forgiving.
I'm sure you're well.
It's like he's in the middle.
A little bit.
More skewed toward vengeance.
In The Spectre, the creative credits varied widely
over the 10 issues published with introduction
of the then newcomer to the comics, Neil Adams,
who drew issues two through five and wrote issues four through five.
For its final two issues, the comic book became
an effective horror anthology,
with the title character being a little more than a narrator
in several short stories.
I'm the watcher. I watch all.
Basically, that's kind of what they turned him into.
The Spectre.
I never interfere.
That was a bit of a pervert, actually.
That's the watcher, though.
The watcher's a fucking pervert.
I watch everything.
Shit.
But it'd be fun.
It's like, I watch everything.
Damn near everything.
They all nasty.
Just let the universe get erased.
The Spectre title suffered from the same problem
that affects the Golden Age series,
writing meaningful stories using a character
that is virtually omnipotent.
The end of this area came to add a climax
of another JLA-JSA crossover
when Dr. Fate frees the ghostly guardian from a crypt in time
to block a collision between Earth 1 and Earth 2
caused by an alien device planted in Red Tornado.
The Spectre's body is torn apart when Dr. Fate
creates a massive explosion to destroy the device
and return the colliding Earths to their own dimensions.
So basically, he suffered the same issues
that he did in the Golden Age,
where they didn't know how to use him.
Same with Superman?
Kind of, yeah.
Was that about throwing planets at one point?
Yes.
He like fucking...
Sneezed planets away.
God dang it.
So it's even worse than what you'd think.
I guess they kind of balanced him out in the Superman now.
He's still like Superman, but not like fucking Superman, you know?
Because, man, he was fucking something else back then.
Well, um...
What was the one where, um...
Manchester was the main villain, I think.
I'd hate to be the cat.
Like, you got to write the Incredible Hulk comic.
Fuck!
I know. I would think it would be hard.
Like, trying to find...
Like, you have to go instead of doing, um...
Like, everything they can do,
show things that they can't do in the comics.
Would be my thing.
Like, showing, like, how do you handle
dealing with this kind of thing
that's not, you know, a world-shattering event?
Because generally Superman can do those kind of things.
Right.
I think that's why a lot of the...
Even the Batman the Animated series,
or, yeah, whenever they had Superman join in
and had the...
What was it? The new adventures of Superman?
Yeah.
Like, it wasn't all about him only fighting.
It had other issues in there.
I think they actually did it pretty well.
Like, a day of just him dealing with Mr. Mixbillick.
Like, just fucking him over all day.
And then you have Mr. Mixbillick going back,
just pissed off every time he says his name backwards.
Like, they at least had to try.
Now it's like...
They've ruined so many things.
Superman's not even funny.
Moving into the Bronze Age in the 1970s,
DC revived the Spectre again.
Superhero anthology series.
Guess who's back?
Back again.
He's like Eminem, you know, he just kept coming back.
Guess who's back?
Back again.
Only this time in adventure comics.
So they tried to bring it back again.
Editor Joel Orlando explained that this was the Earth One version of the Spectre,
though some at DC said otherwise.
Later stories explain that the Spectre had moved from Earth to
and taken over the body of Jim Corrigan of Earth One,
beginning with the 12 page The Wrath of the Spectre,
in issue 431.
Um, let's see here...
It became controversial for what was considered gruesome,
albeit bloodless, violence.
Hmm.
Which is kind of weird to say.
Gruesome yet bloodless.
It's weird for someone to be upset with the violence.
Yeah.
If you're usually upset with nudity,
then I saw some titties.
I can't stand that.
In the series letter column,
some fans indicated uneasiness with the depiction.
Uneasiness?
Yeah.
I can't joke off to this.
Google shows,
apparently it was because Jim Apparo's art showed criminals being transformed
into everything from broken glass to melting candles,
but they were quick to point out that the most bizarre plot devices
were lifted from stories published decades later.
So they just come recopying?
I think so.
I don't know.
But that's not like turning somebody into glass and then breaking them?
Yeah, it doesn't seem that fucking bad.
I mean, that'd be a horrible fate, but...
Like, I wouldn't like it. They would just like shatter, right?
Yeah.
Like, would their fucking organs just pop out?
Still normal?
Like, imagine the outer shell's glass, right?
Right.
So when it falls, just the fucking organs just fucking spill out.
Like, oh, fuck!
Well, remember, it's bloodless. Sorry.
So there you go. See? Nothing happened.
No.
Let's see. The series was canceled with three scripts written,
but not yet drawn.
So several years later, these Romanian three chapters
would be penciled by Apparo, lettering and inked by others,
and published in a final issue of Wrath of the Spectre,
a four-issue miniseries in 1988 that reprinted the ten original stories
and their first three issues and three newly drawn stories in the fourth one.
Flesh Rantz stated that...
I'm fucking big with these damn comics.
Like, are there that many stories? Or how much more short were the stories?
Probably short.
Damn.
I would assume.
Flesh Rantz stated in 1980 that the only two scripts...
that only two scripts were left undrawn.
The Spectre also made a guest appearance in the Doctor 13 feature in Ghosts,
number 97 through 99,
and would go on to periodic guest appearances in other DC titles,
such as The Brave and the Bold, DC Comics Presents, and All-Star Squadron.
So he was more of like a cameo character at that point.
A new Spectre series was planned for 1986 with Steve Gerber as writer.
However, Gerber missed the deadline for the first issue
so that he could watch the last day of shooting on the film Howard the Duck.
Wow. Great, great choice.
And DC canceled the series in response.
Watch that fucking garbage.
As opposed to write a story.
Yeah, so they canceled the series for that.
By the way, like, they were so...
Howard the Duck was so nonchalant about BC Audi.
Yeah.
I can't fucking get over that fact.
Among the many changes made to DC Comics characters during the later half of the 1980s,
following the Crisis on Infinite Earths miniseries,
the Spectre fought the Anti-Monitor, largely depowered.
So basically, like, whenever he was arm wrestling him.
Who was depowered? The Anti-Monitor or the Spectre?
The Spectre.
Okay.
Prior to this, the Spectre was revealed to be a guardian at the entrance to Hill and Swamp Thing,
which...
I'm gonna need to see your passport.
Swamp Thing.
I'm gonna need to see your passport real quick.
Then, in the conclusion to Moore's American Gothic storyline in Swamp Thing,
the Spectre is defeated by the Great Evil Beast.
Next, in the last days of the Justice Society of America special,
the Spectre fails to resolve a situation and is punished by God for his failure.
How do you fail at?
I think saving them.
I tried.
And then, in his fourth solo series and second self-titled comic, the Spectre,
underwriter Doug Monick...
Doug Dibidone.
Corrigan became the central figure in the storyline of an occult-oriented private detective agency.
The Spectre's powers were significantly reduced there,
and even the act of emerging from Corrigan's physical body being painful to both.
I deal with the supernatural, so you don't have to.
This run ended with issue number 31.
A few months after this, the Spectre had a cameo in writer Neil Gaiman's
The Book of Magic, a former issue miniseries starring many DC occult characters.
So basically, Neil brought him back.
Again.
But like as a little side cameo character.
But that also ties him in with Lucifer and a bunch of other
like now canon DC characters and stuff like that.
Then we move into the modern era.
So, three years after the cancellation of Doug's version,
the Spectre was again given his own series,
this time written by writer and former theology student John Ostrander,
who chose to re-examine the Spectre in his aspects as both the embodied avenging wrath
of the murdered dead and as a brutal 1930s policeman.
Ostrander plays through the other night of October 7th between 715 and 922.
I'm the Spectre.
That's so weird.
Like an old cop from the 1930s movies.
Yeah, see.
I'm gonna catch him, see.
And when I do, he's gonna feel the wrath of the Spectre, see.
They're still looking for the mobsters.
They're just trying to find the pool that they lost.
Court.
Once they find that pool, they can find his body.
The body we can find, maybe some prints.
So Ostrander placed the Spectre in complex, morally ambiguous situations
that pose certain ethical questions.
One example being, what vengeance should be wrought upon a woman
who killed her abusive husband in his sleep?
Uh...high five.
Other notable dilemmas include the nation of Vlatova.
Vlatova, great choice, Mr. Writer.
Vlatova, you sounded the most realistic fucking...
You couldn't fucking find a real fucking country.
The history of which was an endless cycle of civil war, ethnic cleansing,
retribution, and blood feuds that had endured for centuries.
The Spectre responded...
That's right.
Does nothing fit all of them.
I don't think so.
The Spectre responded by judging the whole nation guilty,
raising the land and killing the entire population except for two opposing politicians,
one of them the civilian super villain, Count Vertigo.
Count Vertigo.
That's where Count Vertigo comes from.
Damn.
The Spectre destroyed the entire country.
Why did he leave them to?
Probably to show what happens whenever two political sides are fighting.
You get everything destroyed and you're the only one standing at the end.
With nothing.
Like Vertigo hits him, he's like, I'm dizzy for some reason.
And he just leaves.
I'm slightly dizzy.
I'm just slightly dizzy.
Weird.
And he fucking walks off.
I finally got buzzed.
Then another example was the pending execution of a wrongfully convicted man.
His death sentence was commuted to life imprisonment after the Spectre threatened to kill the entire population of the state of New York in retribution,
arguing that if the execution was carried out, the people of the state of New York would become guilty of murder in his eyes.
What the fuck did I do?
I'd be kind of fucking mad.
And then another one was a 90 year old woman who had spent her entire life trying to atone for the single murder she had secretly committed in the 1920s.
The Spectre found her on her deathbed.
She was the one that dumped that body into the fucking cement.
She was the one that carried it.
Ostrander also added several new aspects into the Spectre's history he revealed that the Spectre was meant to exist as the embodiment of wrath of God and Jim Corrigan was was but the latest human spirit assigned it assigned it assigned
assigned to guide him.
While he existed in on earth it was also shown that the specter was a fallen angel named as tar
Who had participated in Lucifer's rebellion?
But then repented and that sir serving as the embodiment of God's anger was his penance
Damn, so it kind of makes sense why?
He has to do everything God says at all times
Furthermore the specter was not the first embodiment of God's anger
But was a replacement for the previous minor DC character eclipse of eclipse. Oh
I wish it was added to the day of engines. Yeah, there's a little like I guess her connection to him to the specter because she was the first one
hmm
Ostrander chose to portray this as a distinction between the specter's pursuit of vengeance and eclipse those pursuit of revenge. Hmm
Because vengeance and revenge are different
Not by much, but they are different and a historical context
Eclipsa was responsible for the biblical flood while the specter was the angel of death that slew the firstborn Egyptian children
damn
Because think about it a clip so is the one that is like destroying everybody
Mm-hmm, but then specters coming through as the vengeance spirit and only killing those responsible for death
Where eclipse would destroy it every time?
The specter and eclipse though have battled numerous times throughout history, but neither entity can be fully destroyed
So the specter is stronger, but he can't destroy
Eclipso because eclipse it was like one of these beings created from God that
He can't destroy
The specter also played a pivotal role in the crisis of an infinite earths and zero hour crisis in time in both cases in the final
struggle against the main villain the anti-monitor and
Parallax the specter is the only hero capable of withstanding against the villains directly
Allowing other heroes time to put a plan out of action that would destroy the villains once and for all
Although all of these very versions are usually considered to be from the earth to of the pre-crisis DC multiverse the same
Continuity started during the golden age. So at this point in DC's history
The specter is considered still the golden age specter. He's the same
Being same character. Yep. Oh, so like how
Just the Society of America had a Superman and Batman from Earth to I think is what it was. They're not the same
Like they're different worlds where this specter is literally the same
character, okay
And earth one version of the specter was shown to team up with Batman and Superman on a few occasions at that point
Then after that we go into the how Jordan spirit of redemption arc
So eventually Corrigan's soul finds peace and he's done being the specter
He relinquishes the spirit of the specter force and goes to heaven
The role of the specter is later assumed by how Jordan the spirit of the former Green Lantern during the day of judgment storyline
written by Jeff Johns
When a fallen angel attempts to gain the specter's power
Corrigan is asked to come back but refuses as he has found peace the specter force
Chooses Jordan as a new host because Jordan seeks to atone for his universe threatening actions as the villainous parallax
So he's like you want to redeem yourself
Be my host. You basically let me use your spirit
His next appearance was in a four-part story arc and legends of DC Universe
And number 33 through 36 in the series the specter written by JM de Mattia
Demetrius
Jordan bends the specter's mission from one of vengeance to one of redemption and makes appearances elsewhere in the DC Universe
such as advising Superman that
during the Emperor Joker storyline or
Helping Wally West keep his family safe by erasing public knowledge of his true identity. That's nice. Yeah, so he erased everybody's
knowledge of who Wally West was because he I think he had to reveal himself like to show his true identity at some point or
Can't remember that storyline very well, though
Kind of like how what was it that dr. Strange basically did the same thing for Peter Parker? Yeah, it's basically the same storyline only earlier
And 2001 green arrow storyline quiver, which we talked about earlier
And he they revealed the specter how Jordan is aware of the crisis on the infinite earth
He is one of the few DC Universe characters with this knowledge though
Because whenever DC reset itself after crisis on infinite earth's
Specter was one of the ones that actually retained everything from before so he still has pre crisis abilities powers everything
Where Superman did not Bruce Banner forgot?
The Spider-Man the Hulk didn't you ever seen that little panel? It was in the comic books apparently everyone
It was the same thing as the the the spider-man movie
Yeah, where they the race everyone's a knowledge of Peter Parker being spider-man. Mm-hmm, but apparently
The Hulk remembers Peter Parker spider-man really? Yeah, I'll remembers Hulk remembers. You owe me $50 to yes
Oh, you're so angry. Yeah
You still hold resentment. So Bruce Banner doesn't know he's Peter Parker, but the Hulk does we're here. Yeah now
Yeah, cuz I guess Bruce Banner doesn't have the memories of a Hulk for everything. Huh? I
Never think about that
You know his dick stay the same size when he turns into the Hulk so he's so mad
Yeah, little dick bullshit
Cuz it's not a muscle so doesn't you think
How could be fucking living?
Just a little
Especially like proportionally my god
Like a fucking micro penis
That's why folks perpetually mad cuz the bigger it gets the smaller it looks you see it's even madder
the never-ending cycle
That's my secret captain I'm always angry that's a perfect line for you though in it
All right after the specter volume 4 was cancelled Jordan was forced to return temporarily to the specters mention of a mission of vengeance
Following a confrontation between the New Justice Society of America and the Spirit King
The Spirit King had managed to resurrect the ghosts of all of those the specter had damned to hell as
How's attempt to return to turn the specter's mission to redemption?
weekend and his hold on the dam basically started to
like his
Specter's ability to keep damned people in hell started to wane
So while how Jordan was trying to turn him into a redemption character it forced his power over hell to kind of
Wayne yeah
so
inadvertently how Jordan fucked it
inadvertently how Jordan fucked it yeah, you think there's a group of people or a person and and like the headquarters of the
places mm-hmm that has the full
Like I guess authority over continuity
No, well you think like in my head like if I owned a massive fucking
series that
Hinges on continuity. I would have like a special like division department in my fucking company of like eight or nine people that have
The job of having to read every fucking comic book within which is what you would expect right and then they have to keep all
the information written down on some computers and like double like fucking copied and like
The writers and have to call in like I got a cock on a call the fucking archive and they fucking put it
Hey, when did Batman then it was a issue 1719 for that'd be cool though. Well, you know that was you but you can tell that
They know that's why they have to retcon so much. Yeah, that's not sucks
That's always the way it is. I
All right, the spirit King had managed to resurrect these ghosts
As how's Jordan it had changed the specter's mission the JSA attempted to keep the spirits contained
But ultimately they were only defeated whenever how accepted his original mission of vengeance
So instead of being a redemption
Superpowered creature. Yeah, okay. Well, they go back to vengeance fine
Concluding that his goal of redemption was only about helping himself
So he realized it was only like instead of going on add against the natural order. He was doing it for him personal reasons. Hmm and
Green Lantern rebirth written by John's the specter force decision of choosing
Jordan as its host was retconned into not being because of Jordans worthiness but as an effort to destroy the parallax entity
Which was an affecting Jordan soul
After the specter force was able to purge parallax from Jordan it departed to move on to the next recipient of its spirit
Then we move in into day of vengeance is when we say I'm next vengeance
Yeah, that's when he was eating have like a guiding soul. So he's kind of like I'm losing his mind
Well, that was after losing how Jordan right after that. Okay, like that's the continuity. Anyways, uh, he
how Jordan had
Went to heaven or like found peace or whatever is that was going on?
And then this is with him like even years later
No host at this point
So without a human host the specter force becomes unstable and goes on a vengeance fuel rampage
to say least
Not only is he killing murderers he also kills people from minor crimes such as petty theft it's
Motherfucker are you jaywalking?
Like there was a care I think it was a little girl that stole money out of her mom's purse
Yeah, like you're out of your knees and shit. Yeah, I remember that
That's one that pops up the most out of all of them. It's so fucked up. It's ingrained in my memory
It's lack of human host deprived it of the ability to effectively judge the specter force
The ability to effectively judge the sins and their appropriate context as detailed in the missions mini series day of vengeance
Gene lorraine is transformed into the new eclipse. Oh the one that had killed fucking elongated the demands
His wife. Yeah, or some webber have or was her or was it adam?
Because she was married to somebody. Yeah. Yeah, because it was in that uh, the identity crisis storyline
It clips out explains to the specter that all things that follow the rules of physical universe follow god's law
Anything that breaks those rules this breaks god's law and is therefore evil
Consequently as magic breaks the rules of the physical universe. It is an originating source of it from a second
But you know what you're spitting facts right now
Makes so much fucking sense to me right now
But you're right. It's like a whining him up
Um, that's basically this line of logic makes sense to the unstable specter force the specter destroys magical constructs
Institutions that teach magic and magical dimensions. Okay, devastated hogwarts harry potter have his recover since
The nine and three force platform is gone. He's like a specter patron
In one such dimension he acts his acts include the mass murder of over 700 battle-hardened magicians damn
His actions cause havoc to very powerful magic based characters as well. This is the phantom stranger
He gets turned into a mouse
Doesn't have like a long time to recuperate himself back. Yeah. It took him all the entire series almost
But he didn't kill him much a while. No, he didn't have enough juice basically the time. Okay
Because he would have needed the full support of the presence to to erase him since the presence is the one that created the phantom stranger
Uh kind of like how he can't technically destroy eclipso
same type of thing
Black adam he fights the specter whenever the spirit invades the the kingdom of the khan dak and causes plagues of destruction
And the midst of the rock didn't like that. He imprisoned dr. Fate and is inside of his own helmet
Oh, yeah, I remember that which is fucked up
He destroys madame zanadu's eyes
He couldn't make it incapable of her uh make it incapable of restoration through magic
Uh to prevent her from reading her magical tarot cards
He stole the actual rabbit out of her harry houdini's hat
like fuck
Uh
He made it so that raven can no law no longer properly control her powers and hold within
Trigon. Hmm. So like she couldn't do anything anymore
Uh, despite the intervention of the champion captain marvel. He killed shazam shazam
And the specter also destroys the magical fueled kingdom of atlantis during his rampage i'll go back what the fuck did I do
That's what it's like
Aquamanus devastated
They sure changed that in the in the movies it was more like technologically based
Yeah, but in the comic books for a long time. It was magic based
in the day of vengeance infinite crisis special one, which is the thicker book that
I actually still have but you've read it, too
Uh, the specter kills nabu the last of the great lords of the ninth age and the president's attention is finally drawn into actually
choke slam on to a rock
Yeah, like a fucking like a ww choke slam. Well, you had they were fighting I think in egypt
I think it was or like an ancient city and uh, you have uh nabu where he grows to like
Proportional size like gigantic. Yeah and grabs the specter and then the specter is like
I've done that since to begin since before you were born and just like the size of the fucking planet
It's funny remember that little bit didn't the seven deadly senses came too. Yeah. Yeah. Yep
uh, and basically
Nabu's plan the entire time was to make the specter bark so loud in his words that the owner comes and gets their dog
Shut your goddamn voice down there and he gets, you know pulled out of that. Yeah
Nabu reveals before dying that originally he and the other lords had been working towards forming the perfect host for the specter
But those plans were cut short
because of eclipsing
Uh the text of the story is unclear on who the great lords were nabu introduced in
1942 as the powerful entity responsible for ken dellison becoming. Dr
Fate was one of the lords of order the specter had apparently killed the others
Along with their counterpart parts the lords of chaos with the exception of mordrew and amethyst whom he battled on gymworld
amethyst is among those gathered by the phantom stranger to aid in rebuilding the rock of eternity and survives to into the 10th age
alexander luther also revealed that he was indirectly responsible for the specter's actions in day of vengeance
Under alex luther alexander luther's orders the psycho pirate had given eclipses diamond to jean loring in prison good job
Making her manipulate the specter for so that magic could be undone and used as fuel for luther's multiversal tower
So it was alexander luther's fault that damn really the specter went out of control basically. That's wild
Uh, then we have the little short segment with chrispas alan
So in gotham central number 38 chrispas alan is killed by a corrupt policeman coincidentally named jim corrigan
Not the same corrigan
That the form really was a formally associated with as a major drag then yeah
Uh while alan's body is in the morgue the specter force is forced against its will into to enter chrispas alan
Taking alan as its new host so this was right after day of vengeance basically the presence shoved the specter force into chrispas alan
Into chrispas alan. Hmm. It's like they're fucking there's your body you son of a bitch
Uh, then we move into the specter having uh taken place in events with the blackest knight
Uh during the 2009 2010 blackest night storyline
Black hand reveals that the specter must be moved out of the way in order for the universe to be at peace for that
He uses the black lantern pariah who unleashes more black rings which laps themselves onto chrispas alan's body
Who was killed by eclipso?
Uh turning him into a black lantern and sealing the specter force inside of its host changing into a giant version the black lantern specter
Declares that it wants howe jordan back
Kind of vaguely remember that yeah, it's a weird concept for the specter
Uh, the phantom stranger and blue devil worked together and I want my bow back
Because apparently howe jordan was the best. Yeah of all the the hosts that it had had
um
Blue devil and phantom stranger worked together in an attempt to distract the black lantern specter from seeking out howe jordan
The phantom stranger manages to temporarily free the real specter only for the black lantern to repress it again and discard the fan
Discard the stranger and blue devil
Uh leaving them to carry out its intention to cast vengeance on howe jordan
It's like you left me
You ghosted me you left me on red
It's not my bitch
In co-city howe jordan encounters the black lantern specter using the real specter forces power to protect itself
It is rendered immune to the combination of emotional light and that usually destroy black lanterns
Knowing that the specter is afraid of parallax
Jordan allows himself to be possessed by the fear entity once more
Even though he had his redemption arc just so far back
The powers of the specter also become an interest to the red lantern corpse leader atrocious
As he senses the specter's real nature despite being influenced by the black ring an embodiment of rage and vengeance
Atrocious desires to harness the spirit's power for the black corpse or sorry
To harness the spirit's power for his corpse and uh his own vengeance against the guardians of the universe
Parallax tears into the black lantern body freeing the real specter force and destroying the facsimile
Atrocious attempts to turn the specter into an own his own rage entity but fails
The specter telling him that he is god's rage not mortals
Hmm, so like he can't be controlled by just a rage ring
It's not enough to contain his his divine. I don't like red. I like green and he fucking dips pretty
I don't know where he's like, you're not my boo
And the two
And of the true rage entity and warning him not to trifle with it
Parallax then attempts to destroy the specter who uses his own fear of the entity coupled with the spirit
Hold with the love kiro fairer kiro ferris feels for hell
To separate parallax from its host the specter then confronts necron the master of the black lanterns
But discovers that necron is without a soul and is thus immune to his powers
The specter is then removed from the battlefield by necron to part unknown
Damn, yeah, so necron was a little more powerful than
You would think yeah
Like he couldn't destroy the next one. There's some just like just tiny one of those little blue aliens. I
I don't think so. I think he was actual demon
I think i'd have to go back and look again though in the blackest night series
Uh, then we go into brightest day and the brightest day storyline the specter resurfaces again with crispus alan as a toast
In the hills of montana on the trail of the butcher the red lantern entity
The specter confronts atrocious once again
Whenever the two locate the butcher who is about to possess a man whose daughter had been killed by a death row inmate
Despite the specter's attempts to stop it the butcher proceeds killing the criminal
Damn, the butcher then attempts to possess atrocious revealing that atrocious had a wife and a chill and children
Who were killed in the main hunter's attack, which we kind of already knew
With the specter's help atrocious wards off the butcher and imprisons it within the power battery
The specter attempts to judge the man that the butcher possessed but atrocious
uh argues that his method of judgment is flawed
The specter calls off his judgment and is unable to judge atrocious discovering that his mission is a holy one
Although he warns atrocious that this will not last forever
So atrocious being the rage lantern technically what he's doing is holy
Like he's only killing people that have done
tremendously evil things
It's like uh, that won't last forever though. Don't you don't don't you worry i'll come for you next time
uh, then there was a short little stint in uh
rising of eclipso the specter later appears in james robinson's rise of eclipsal storyline in justice league of america
And the story eclipsal captures the angel zariel and begins to torture him to draw the attention of the specter
The plan succeeds with the specter traveling to the moon to rescue zariel only to be ambushed by jade
And the members of the justice league reserve roster
I don't know how that really works because that makes it look like he's a little pussy
Justice league reserve roster the reserve roster d-listers pretty much uh, i'm our man
Like really but I took my pills 49 minutes ago. So I got 11 minutes. We got 11 minutes. Let's get this on
Eclipsal then absorbs the specter's immense powers
Which then uses uh, he uses to shatter the moon with a single blow from a sword before attempting to use them to fulfill
His sinister agenda. I did the eye shot of the moon once with luigi
In luigi's mansion did you yeah?
Uh, then he appeared in the new 52 whenever they retconned him and they depowered him completely and then somehow he also accuses the phantom
Stranger of betraying him and all that kind of stuff. He was my brother. I didn't get it was weird like i'm to be fair
I'm not even going to go through the new 52
It's currently there. I
It's a horrible slope
No, you don't have to it was bad because it was back to jim corrigan again
But like like can I get some fucking peace?
Getting quiet of course. He's like losing his shit
Yeah, like because i'm exhausted because the whole thing was corrigan and his girlfriend are killed by the kidnappers that uh kidnapper
And uh, he has then transformed into the specter who accuses the phantom stranger of betraying him
As the specter is about to detect the phantom stranger the voice intervenes and sends the specter off to inflict his wrath on those that are
most deserving of it
It's like it's a it's a weird what the phantom stranger did
That's what i'm saying. I don't know the phantom stranger really didn't do nothing
Like they changed all the characters that I liked right before the new 52. They started messing out
um
Wonder what he did. I guess we'll never know
Yeah, i'm gonna think of it wasn't the new 50 had those weird like origins for all those characters. Yeah
Was he like narcissus or something?
It didn't he was like think I can't remember. I I think he was cain
He is something like that. Like he was the the first one judith scarrett
Yeah, that was a weird concept like the phantom stranger's whole thing is that you're not supposed to know who he is
He's just like that's why he's the phantom stranger. It's
I want to play the question in the new dc universe
I think she have questions. Just give me a chance dc. I'll be the perfect question
Is like sort of like a comic relief character, but i'm not fully comic relief character
I would never have on my own main episode my own my own main movie, but i'm in everyone else's movies
I'm always there questioning wondering
You do have a lot of good questions asking the right questions at the right times. I got a question dark side
Why are you such a bitch?
Frightened before he kills me
Sorry, he'll send you over to skis
With his old mega beams. No, you remember skis skis. Yeah, the one that was uh getting big barda and superman to bang
Oh, yeah, he'll send you over there as an acolyte being as like a slutty movie
All right you to a star
Let's think of things last three things for the specter. We have uh, the how he is characterized in the dc universe
Uh, so basically within the dc universe the specter is widely regarded as one of the most formidable beings often considered to be
Among the most powerful superheroes in this universe. The specter is often portrayed by using other characters possess
Here's how you beat him donno. There you go right here
Including dr. Fate the wizard shazam nabu etragon and uh captain marvel or shazam as he's really known shazam
Since they they changed his name from the fucking wizard to the character now
Shazam as an agent of the presence the inspector also demonstrates the ability to neutralize or undo forces created by his master
Such as the lords of chaos and order
His powers at the peak of his abilities the character is recognized as possessing near omnipotent magical and physical abilities
Making him capable of virtually any feat
Which we kind of already knew yes, so he still catches his hand
And that would be as a question. You can still catch his hand
Do you remember that uh, there was that panel from a superman comic where he flew directly?
At the specter because the specter is blocking him from something. I can't remember what maybe the source wall or something
But superman flying at it like maximum speed and just bounces off of the spectrum
He's like really?
really
um
Making him capable of virtually any feat including the ability to control space time reality and matter
So he's got four of the stones right there
Just on general
He also possesses an extensive mastery over of other other basic superpowers such as energy manipulation
Superhuman strength flight and possesses extensive mental capabilities capable of inducing illusions and hallucinations
Even when depowered by the presence the specter remains widely regarded as the most potent spirit on earth possessing a diverse range of abilities
These include the capacity to become intangible animate and possess objects intrude upon an individual's mind and soul
And draw others into his own being where he reigns supreme
So he's the sorcerer supreme as well
Still got two hands for him
And the only weaknesses that he has like he's too fucking
That would be hilarious
You can buy me these hands. Oh shit
the spirit of destiny
That is the most widely known one yet interesting because it uh, where is it? Anyway, the spirit who has it at the moment?
Uh the dc universe i don't know. Mm-hmm. I was kind of curious actually like I don't know if you should do a list of like like
Um artifacts in dc from dc. Yeah, see where they're at at the moment. What like the helm the helmet the spirit destiny
I need to find some of those don't I?
Go through and show where they're currently at. Yeah, what are the good stuff is out there?
Yeah, well the only reason that damn
Wrong place
Uh, the only reason that the spirit of destiny even damages the specter at all
And the only reason it's able to kill divine creatures is due to it being bathed in jesus's blood
Bathe man, I thought it was just a tip
Like a gush gallons out jesus christ
And this being basically since the presence is like the abrahamic god
And jesus being god
Yeah, only the presence itself possesses true control over the specter's abilities and that's the only thing that can actually kill him
The spirit destiny the spirit destiny, huh? I know I haven't even seen that in a long time either
Just grab this home bitch go get it from constantine throw it. No, what's his constantine that has he probably does have it
He's got the spirit destiny still somewhere in his fucking trench coat
Where the bloody is it? Here it is
you've seen that uh
um
Like they've tried to redo the the constantine movie again and they can't get him to
what
Kenner is
No kiana wants to do it
Like he's been saying that for a long time because they asked him what movie would you want to do if you could choose a matrix?
he's like
Constantine I want that rule again bill and ted
He did that already even more excellent adventure
Didn't they redo that already once? Yeah, they did a third one
I don't know. I don't know. It was hell on a fanfare when it first came out. That's what I thought
And then like it came out then like it kind of just died away
Yeah, I didn't see anything else. It doesn't make me wonder sometimes like you hear all this hype before a movie comes out
The movie comes out and then there's no more fucking trailer for the movie. Yeah, it's weird to me
I guess they let it I guess there's only so much like funding you have to do like, you know
Yeah, i'm sure like the really good movies
Mm-hmm, uh that make a lot of money that they can they can continue to funnel more. Uh,
Advertisement, yeah
So they that's why you keep seeing them in things like you see like shit like like you watch the avengers trailer for like fucking
Six months after the movie came out. My god dang. Yeah, that was crazy there
But yeah, like something like I guess it just depends on how much money they have for budget
Because like a lot of it goes into like like a lot of like, you know, the pre-production post-production
You know pre-production and production post-production and then that you have the fucking like actual advertising
Yeah, the marketing and that that takes a chunk of the money too
well, usually they say whatever the movie costs to make double it and then that's the
Price of the movie because marketing alone is expensive as fuck nowadays. Yeah, or maybe not me just put that shit on youtube
you would think blast that shit all over youtube and facebook and twitter and
Instagram and you know pornhub launch it everywhere make a fake only fans for it
All right ready for some reddit I am
All righty
First one is by thick men tutu. I'm liking my man. If I like anything about my man, it's them. Yeah
With four C's
It just rolls up
That's person put
uh
My and my girlfriend live in two separate houses your grammar's atrocious
This is what I mean, but yeah my my girlfriend and I took out the ages just so that way
You can already tell you my and my girl. Yeah that that that sounds wrong. Yes, my and my girlfriend
live in twos two
Separate houses. They didn't even spell it out. Oh
the number two
Jesus christ bro. Come on now and then approximately with the approximate symbol
Damn, not even trying 30 minute walk instead of 30 minutes walk 30 minutes walk
Away from each other though. We spend some nights together or most nights together. What else uh, you're dating
Plus I we just hold hands and then get home to eat separate houses. We're mormons
We went to swig and then went home
Oh shit, I eat potatoes raw
Oh
Last night she went out with some friends for a fancy meal and then clubbing
Instead of going back to hers. We agreed she could come to mine so we could wait say that line again
What was the line?
Like last night. Yeah last night she went out with some friends for a fancy meal and then clubbing
Instead of going back to hers
Comma, we agreed. She could come to mine so we could be together the next day. Okay. Okay
Just make it because it's almost like they weren't there together
Yeah, but then she went clubbing like what's the one where you at? Like I was also with her clubbing
The way it's written. Yeah, like it's what it sounded like in front of it. They realized like he's saying it
But just the word structure of this whole thing.
It's fucking hurting me.
At around 2 a.m.
He writes 2 a.m. with the T-W on staff.
The number this time.
We were texting and I said I was about to go to sleep,
but then she could ring me to wake me up.
Yeah, that always goes, but who the fuck is ringing at 2 fucking 35 a.m.
She said that was great. I left my phone next to my head on the pillow and went to sleep.
I wake up and notice daylight.
Seven years old? You can't stay awake long enough to let her come home?
That's like, why would you follow that? That's absurd to me.
Well, it was around 2 a.m. when they were texting.
I could have been fine. I could have waited.
Well, not him.
I'll be a slave. Make sure you wake me up. Ring the bell softly.
I wake up and notice daylight, meaning it's morning already.
Stay away.
I was surprised as I expected to be woken up around like 3 a.m.
Then I look at my phone and I have hundreds of messages from my girlfriend trying to get here.
Hundreds? I hope he's exactly...hundreds!
She called me so many times that I did not wake up once.
Damn, bro. You must have put that shit on silent.
She was out there for over an hour before I'm assuming she went home.
Were you with some fucking serial killer who snatched her up?
I know she would have gotten an Uber to mine,
but I don't know if she would have walked home, which would have been dangerous.
Half an hour. That's a long time.
I then check my phone, angry that I didn't wake up.
Did it actually rain? I set an alarm for...
God, this is horrible grammar.
I set an alarm for N2S time.
So bad it...
Hurts my ears.
I don't even know what the fuck he's trying to say.
It's gonna be vertigo.
Sure enough, it makes a no...
I set an alarm for like a two second later time.
Okay.
And sure enough, it makes a noise.
Was he trying to test his phone?
Yeah, to see if it was ringing.
Did it knock the fuck out?
I am so angry at myself for sleeping through it.
I should have set an alarm.
I have one that gets increasingly louder until you do...
Until you do maths to turn it off.
It just...
This grammar is...
It's hurting my fucking...
Sense of like sitting structure.
For like an hour after going to sleep just in case.
So now my girlfriend is presumably furious at me.
She's still asleep.
And to be honest, I'm furious at myself for letting her stand outside my house in the cold for over an hour.
And even though...
And even then not waking up.
Does she not like... I would have been screaming like the...
Hey!
Banging on the window.
Yeah, I mean something.
What is like all he did when he did like after all that, right?
He just said, hey.
Can I start off?
Yeah, no, just hey.
Hey.
You up?
Be like that SNL skit with Eli Manning.
What's up?
How you doing?
What's up, girl?
Just random text messages.
Making it go back home.
I've been seeding in this for over an hour now and don't know what to do.
Well.
Just apologize.
So you feel a slave man.
You've been fucking slaving.
I got fucked up when you went out clubbing.
I wanted to participate, you know.
Not with you, but like I want to feel how you felt.
So I got a fucking shit face to have my house.
Oh shit.
All right.
Next one is by not banker.
Not bankrupt yet.
Give it time.
But it's bankrupt.
All right.
This person puts.
I swear.
Just let me explain.
May 26th, 902 a.m.
I'm having a problem with my side wheels.
Please contact shark customer care for more help.
Yes, I own a shark.
It's basically the same fucking thing as a Roomba.
Because this is this.
But today I fucked up ignoring my Roomba's cries for help.
And now it's missing.
So the first time I sent a message saying, please contact shark customer care for my wheels.
Jesus.
826 the next day.
I'm having a problem with my side wheels.
Please contact shark customer care for more help.
Because it's sending these message.
I'm fucking dying over here.
OK, great.
It'll probably solve itself like it did every did every other.
She just fucking blows up or something underneath the fucking couch.
The lights on fire.
1039 of the 1039 of the same day.
My brush was on fire.
My brush roll is stuck.
Please remove all hair and debris from my brush roll.
At this point, I haven't checked my app for the thing, nor do I particularly treated formerly known as shit head per se on my app.
With much respect, at least not where it's due.
543 of the next day.
My battery is close to zero.
Please place me on the dock.
Contact customer service care for more help.
Jesus.
This was shit heads final message.
Fast forward a week later.
My parents come in asking me if I've seen shit head.
The Roomba.
Yeah.
I said, no, it's probably under my bed.
I'll go check.
I go check to see if shit head may have been under my bed.
Per chance.
But nothing.
We checked the other two bedrooms.
Also nothing.
We start panicking and searching every corner of the house.
Absolutely nothing.
Panicking for what?
Today I'm an object.
No, no, trying to find it.
Apparently I wouldn't be panicking.
It's like, I think it was theirs.
They want it back.
And those things hurt.
Are they?
200 bucks, 300 bucks.
I mean, but it's still monetary.
True.
But still, it's probably like, fuck.
Next day we look at the app and see that shit head in its last moments was cleaning for 81 minutes and cleaned a grand total of zero square feet.
Was he fucking stuck on a fucking wheel or a mess of being going in circles or something?
Or just stuck.
Yeah, somewhere.
We are starting to come to desperation as I am too lazy to clean my house without the help of my godforsaken Roomba.
Eventually I'll have to.
But not before I become one with the couch or the bed.
Whichever one I choose not to get out of.
We have come to these last few explanations as to what may have happened to my dearest shit head.
Number one.
Shit head planned an escape mission and ran out of the house with nobody looking.
Down a 50 foot long driveway and into the road where someone either ran shit head over, disposed of the body, and then fled or shit head continued to drive himself down the road for the next approximately 0.3 miles before landing in a ditch still squirming until he died.
That's a very verbose.
I'm stressed right there.
I don't know what's going on.
Number two.
Shit head may have been stolen from our house in the dark of night without taking the docking station.
Fuck.
They want to steal our fucking Roomba.
Or three. Shit head may or may not have no clipped through reality and hid inside the back rooms.
Whatever the fuck that is.
The back rooms, huh?
It's like a video game thing.
Well, it's not really.
It's a YouTube short film series called the back rooms.
Yeah.
Now like a major motion picture.
Yeah.
I feel like a terrible parent, child and son to this godforsaken Roomba and we ignored shit heads attempts of desperation and pleads for help before succumbing to its inevitable death.
What the fuck do I do?
Just me.
That's what I want to say.
That's what it is.
Then we find the update though.
Oh, they found it.
Turns out thankfully.
Let's see.
I found shit head.
Well, kind of.
Okay.
So he goes through the recap.
Turns out thankfully it was none of those things that we mentioned.
Shit head.
Yes.
I fucking name my room Roomba shit head pronounced.
Shathead.
Magically appeared in a spot that we had already checked.
For some more context, my parents aren't the most tidy beings on the planet.
So their room tends to get messy.
Not only that, but for the past month, our doors have been closed specifically to keep shit head in.
My parents have a blue little rocking chair that they used in...
God.
They used a fucking...
No!
Use a fucking grammar check.
Like bam.
Grammar is a dying art.
I'll try to correct this as I go.
My parents have a blue little rocking chair they used to lay in sometimes.
Lay in?
Are you laying a rocking chair?
And somehow this foot wide asshole shoved itself through piles upon piles of cords, bags, and whatever the hell.
Including a giant dog.
Then it proceeded to wedge itself so far into the two fucking inch gap in between the couch and the bed and stayed there for ten days.
I could see that.
I wonder if it had enough recharge from being inactive that it popped it back out.
Yeah.
Like that's...
That's not really you fucking up though, it's more of like just technology in general.
I guess he just blames himself for not listening to what it needed.
But by the way, don't they have like a fucking app that lets you know where it is?
I just fucking looked forward to do that.
That's what it did, it kept sending the messages.
But like, I know the messages, but like your actual location.
Yeah, it sends you the location we look for.
They would have found it then.
But apparently he didn't delete...
Delete...
I don't give a shit.
Right, next one is...
In this terrible story that I wish was just a fantasy, buckle up for angst, hurt, no comfort, and possible character death.
Damn.
The exposition.
I'm an avid chocolate milk connoisseur.
That's all I need to hear.
What did you just say?
No, I'm gonna tell you some horrific shit.
I will slurp that shit all day, all night, when I'm sleeping, when I'm shitting, when I'm crying, on a chair, lying down, standing up, throwing up, you name it.
Alright, just fucking talk to me.
When I pass the two fish.
In fact, I hadn't drunk water that week in favor of my choccy milk.
God.
Just so like, yo doc, you got diabetes for that fucking sitting alone.
At this point, you might consider the possibility that I am hydrophobic and have a page dedicated to me in the DSM-5, but no.
The brown nectar of the gauze is just too potent of a drug that water holds a pale, distant second.
Plus, it's final weeks of my college, so all thirteen of my reasons for not only being filled but exceeded, so at this point, I'm living on autopilot.
I haven't even noticed just how dehydrated I am.
Are you going to fucking stand up and pass out?
We've read those two before.
God.
Or how my PCP is already prepping in order to order my dialysis machine when my kidneys inevitably fail.
Shit.
So he knows.
How much fucking choccy milk is he drinking? Holy hell.
The rising action.
It's a sweltering California day with my city cosplaying the sun during a perennial heat wave. I've been carrying my bronzy beverage.
Perennial.
My bronzy beverage.
Of choice all day, taking careful sips so as to last a bottle the entire 24 hours.
Daddy, like.
This sip and that shit.
It's now 3 a.m.
Choccy milk and the syrup can hide the taste of spoiled milk.
Yes.
Alright, I feel like that's where this is going.
Yeah, I think so it can.
You also know why they're made.
Never mind. I'll tell you off.
Yeah, the blood. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why they make it.
I remember.
It's now 3 a.m. and I wake up with my throat parched, burning in hoarse.
It's giving me Dante's Ninth Circle.
It's giving me late stage strep mixed with your pick of orithopi.
God, I'm going to fuck that word up.
Orithophilological disease.
God, hey.
It's giving me Mojave Desert.
Sojave Desert.
So I reach for my mahogany colored dessert in the hopes of, am I already, God, a fucking big word person here.
Ameliorating my midnight torture, although it's at those 3 a.m. so that ain't midnight.
You know, semantics, you know, you're choosing all these other words, but you just fuck up the time.
I pick up the bottle lying next to me and give a desperate twist of the cap.
It hisses. Air rushes out of the bottle.
It hisses.
It's like a light, what are you fucking, it starts with a cap.
Kind of super psyched.
Ow, my fucking hand.
Oh, that's so fucked up.
My next clue should have been the smell.
But alas, my brain is as unwrinkled as a fleshy pressed sheet of linen.
So I proceed to tear open the cap, staring into the brown abyss of my beloved Chucky.
Almost like a finger comes out and just like whips through the, pulls him forward.
The climax.
No, the climax.
I take a swig of my chocolate milk.
It is not chocolate milk.
He's missing the false victory right before the climax.
It is not chocolate milk.
It is spicy.
Spicy? What the fuck is he eating?
It tastes like the Basco sauce?
It tastes like the toilet water from the last doll in a girl's bathroom.
Oh, damn, that girl's nasty.
It tastes like Shrek's dirty swamp water.
It tastes like it could be biblical punishment.
I choke and sputter my not-so-chocolate milk, sprained from every orifice that could exit.
Jesus.
It's on my bed, in my hair.
It covers my vision and coats my mouth.
It smells like a Home Depot porta potty.
Hmm. Oh, God.
Never seen a Home Depot porta potty?
The ones they rent?
Oh, Lord. They rent porta potties?
Imagine being the employee to clean that shit out.
Get out there, Timothy.
No, it's only my second day, because I was on a fucking thousand-yard stand smoking cigarettes.
You smoked, Timothy? I started.
I started after yesterday.
I started after fucking cleaning his fucking bowel.
Infested fucking bowel. I can't even imagine.
The resolution.
I realized my chocolate milk had curdled, and I had taken a swig of pure, rotten milk.
Nasty.
I'm no longer in the mortal realm.
I should have realized it was chunky.
He only took a sip. He didn't chug it.
Started chewing it?
Uh-oh.
I am no longer in the mortal realm.
I changed my Pinterest from live, laugh, love to dead, dying, deceased.
I think I might actually have rabies after this.
I am a mere shadow of my already dork and soul.
If finals week was my thirteenth reason this has allowed me to take my next rebirth.
The conclusion.
Yesterday, I went to buy more chocolate milk.
Done and done.
I stared at the bottle for a minute, wondering where my hesitation had come from.
Why wasn't I gulping down my hazel-toned ambrosia like before?
I reached for the cap and hesitated.
It slowly dawned on me that I have traumatized myself from drinking any more chocolate milk.
I will now have to seek therapy.
I've had bad pizza before. I still have to stop eating bad pizza.
You're eating bad pizza?
It takes a lot for the food to have to be fucking absolutely horrific for me to stop eating it.
Well, alrighty. Next one.
So, I was at a sleepover with my friends and saw a can of spicy Cheeto puffs.
And they looked bomb. So I ate some.
Hell yeah.
Those little devils are so good, they're spicy and taste just like cheese I couldn't stop eating them.
The spice.
I ate the whole can.
Spice bitch.
When I left, I went to the store and ended up getting two more cans of them because yum, they're delicious and I eat them both.
I'm fucking banging.
After I devoured both cans.
You know what those fucking Cool Ranch Doritos?
Yeah.
They come in the little Pringles cans now.
Yeah, I've seen that.
They're fucking way better than the ones in the store.
Yeah, I guess because the concentration is on a smaller scale.
The surface ratio.
Yeah, it's fucking, my mouth's watering thinking about those fucking delicious Doritos in that can.
Fuck the bags. Get the cans.
They're all like the bottom of the bag?
Basically, yes, they're fucking delicious.
After I devoured both cans of those delicious things, I went to church.
Bad idea, homie.
I could feel my stomach.
Satan.
Devil.
It's all his stomach.
Be gone, demon.
The fucking preacher's like, I sense a devil in here.
I can smell his foul odor.
Be gone, Satan.
It's just the fact that he put a bad idea on me.
You know what's the make-up for me?
They can't fucking real serious with that.
Get the show on.
So that way, I'm like, fuck, you see?
Pitching mine makes me stomach-way.
You know what he's doing to church, you see?
I can feel my stomach gurgling the second I stem to him.
Grind you.
Be gone from here.
God was trying to give him that.
Not an unnoticeable gurgle.
A gurgle as I could only describe as an earthquake in my stomach and instantly got a hot flash.
God dang.
He bypassed, just whispered the metaphor.
I sat in the pew and sweated the entire time.
I probably looked like I was going to get Satan ripped out of me.
You boy, the devil has made his home in your very asshole.
Oh shit.
It was so bad and my stomach was yelling extremely loud the entire time I got at least four weird looks.
You fool.
The old lady's like, oh my God, that boy possessed.
But if he's at a cello church.
He's just fucking soaked in sweat in his fucking black hoodie.
In his fucking khaki pants.
His fucking death-shitty.
He has no smell.
He's fucking like, just like his vans are just fucking buckets of water.
Oh shit.
In the middle of the pastor preaching, I felt it.
The unsubstantly bowel movement of 50 little spicy cover cheese balls moving through me like a speeding truck.
I've never gotten up so quickly and had to clench the entire weight of the bathroom in a church.
Just get some hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.
The moment I sat down, I unleashed demons.
It was toe curling.
Those type of shits are terrifying because the second your ass hits the seat, that shit blows out.
It was toe curling, hand gripping, forehead sweating, knee shaking, mouth agape, eyes rolling, knuckles wide, pale face kind of unleashing.
Jesus Christ, man.
That shit must have been insane.
I looked out of the toilet.
It was blood red.
Every inch of it.
I thought I was dying and my ass has experienced the seven levels of hell all at one time.
You know that scene from the mummy where he makes that sand and it's like his face?
Yeah.
That's the shit.
For just a second, you see a face come out.
The demon?
Yeah.
Every demon was expelled out of me and I shakily walked to my car and laughed.
Hallelujah.
Knees just trembling.
Just fucking just soaked in sweat.
All right.
Next one is by NTG7C.
You know when the best sweats are to me?
After you had a good shower and you go out about it, maybe you're doing some workouts or you're just working in general and you have that sweat, but it doesn't feel like a bad sweat because you're sort of clean.
I don't know why, but I like the shower after sweats as opposed to the not showered all day sweats.
Like dust blowing on you.
Yeah.
The shower after sweats feel clean.
The shower before sweats, the sweats before showers feel dirty.
I don't know why.
And then you got to go take another shower after you do it anyway.
Not really, man.
You go home to your girl and you guys just banging out, be sweating all over each other.
It's like.
And she's like, what's that smell?
You know what it is, girl.
All right.
This person puts, I own my own business.
I have business insurance.
I recently reviewed said business insurance because it was that time of the year to do so.
Pretty straightforward.
Well, if I don't renew my insurance online, it will say my license is under suspension.
I had a new client that I had checked my license and then reached out to ask why it's suspended.
I, equally confused, reached out to my insurance broker and asked the same question.
It was up to them to report my insurance to the licensing board.
So somewhere along the lines, there was an oops.
This is where the FF happened.
I would like to add here that I was extremely caffeinated at this point in time.
So I was also a little lighter for my actions.
I'm responsible.
What happened after that?
I was under the influence of caffeine.
The two consecutive days leading up to the incident, I had eaten as its total hole in the wall.
Mexican place near my house.
No regrets would do it again.
But let's just say I had some flatulence.
Was it means well, you fried beans and rice?
Well, I call it my insurance agency, got the receptionist pound a case.
So we can fucking chips.
You eat so much of those chips and cheese, but when the food gets you like fuck.
They got those big old round fucking gallon sized cups of soda.
And if you ever see the way they make it in the back, it's like, you know why it gives you the diarrhea.
But man, like once the food gets to you, like, man, I got more stuff to eat.
I fill up on the soda and the fucking chips and cheese.
And when my food gets there, I'm like, fuck.
I don't want no one else.
I'm not hungry anymore.
That's why they give you this.
Well, that bullshit about how they fucking make it steaming by fucking throwing water on the fucking fajitas.
Yeah.
You bastards.
I thought they were flaming high.
No.
She said you look into it.
A few minutes of her looking into it goes by.
And then she asks if I would rather wait on the line or get a call back.
As this was an urgent matter, I opted to wait on the line.
I had my phone on speaker and every now and again I would hear a little typing typing back as.
I say this because looking back, I was not on hold.
I just just kept waiting and waiting.
And after about 10 more minutes, where's the fucking music?
I had another urgent matter come up.
Last night's Mexican food.
Oh, no.
He just muted it.
Unless he's also on a phone.
I had to take the whole phone to the bathroom with me.
I had hold my hand over the fucking speakers.
And I did long that bitch out.
I had literally been 10 minutes at this point since I had heard anyone on the other end of the line and suddenly had to take a number dose.
Here's how I wish these stories would work, right?
So he said he was a business, right?
Let's keep it going.
It's actually what I actually work for is a church and I'm on the business side of, you know, making their transactions and everything.
Anyway, so I had to go to the bathroom.
So as I'm walking out, this little cello comes out covered in sweat from the bathroom.
I go past, you know, they continue from the last door.
That would be hilarious.
Oh, shit.
It was so sudden and urgent, but everything else went out of my mind.
And I made a beeline for the toilet, sat down and let out the most blood curling explosion you've ever heard from the bathroom.
Jesus.
It was violent.
It was laughing.
I wanted to fight all this.
He was sitting there in the stall next to the other dude.
It was impressive to say the least.
I let out a sigh into my cell for so I thought, oh, God, it was at this exact moment that I realized my fuck up.
I had brought my phone with me to the bathroom and no sane person would obviously mute themselves.
No, not I.
I immediately muted the call at my moment of clarity.
A mere 10 seconds.
That is a point now.
A mere 10 seconds after my gasp was let out of the reception and spoke for the first time in 10 to 12 minutes.
She said, thank you for continuing to hold.
She knew saying as you shit yourself.
Dad, I attempted to cover my fuck up by just being overly active.
The rest of the call really acted.
He's doing stuff.
God, the last call lasted 30 minutes.
And I went and banged around in my car and kept saying, oh, God, an attempt to make it seem like I've been doing something different the entire time.
Did you buy my act?
No, I had to try though.
The call lasted an agonizing 30 minutes.
It was brutal.
I have to talk on the phone with them a few times a year.
Hopefully the receptionist finds a new job and don't have to endure the shame of this memory each time we talk on the phone.
He's hoping she loses her job.
If it ain't the shitter himself calling back.
Yeah, you got a shit.
And the next one is by empty lunch.
Six, five, 20.
This person puts if I ever had a story worthy of the subreddit, it is this one.
I like to preface this by saying I have always had a strong stomach.
I don't often get sick and I can pretty much eat anything without the usual consequences people face.
So foods like Chinese, Mexican, Italian, et cetera, do not typically affect me.
What about Indian food?
I heard the usual suspects.
What about the true?
How about the Thanos of foods?
The world breaker itself.
The originator of all of them.
The abridgator of all sin.
The true breaker of man's Indian food.
Most of you get two tiers up in the spiciness.
Oh, man.
And especially authentic Indian food when they're fucking beating hands.
Yeah.
They're just like squatting down around a bunch of food.
I'll have to show you a couple of these videos I've seen earlier.
Oh, yeah, same thing.
We're just like, oh, just got to throw your toes in that shit.
OK.
Damn.
That kind of food, huh?
So last night I decided I want some burritos for dinner.
I hadn't made them in a while and I had to cook them.
So I figured why not?
As I was throwing them together, my situationship texts me and asks me to come over.
I hurry up and eat.
Situationship.
Ain't we fucking 21st century?
We don't know where we are, but we know where we are something.
Something.
We haven't figured that out yet.
I know that my thing fits in their thing, so that's all I care.
It's a situation.
Unless he's dating the situation from Jersey Shore.
That's a situation.
I hurry up and eat, take a quick shower, and head over.
I get to her place in a few minutes, come in, and we start hanging out.
The night flies by.
We do the usual hooking up, take some shrooms together, smoke a blunt, and pass out.
All is well.
Jesus Christ.
Let's backtrack to the fucking shrimps.
You fucking start tripping balls.
The night, until I wake up to the sound of my own ass ripping gas.
At two in the morning.
I have never farted around this woman and I don't want to start now.
So I quietly hopped out of bed and go to the bathroom.
And where you loudly fuck your shit yourself.
I flushed the toilet three times.
I said, let out another long one.
It took three flushes.
First of all, you'd have to hold it between flushes.
They don't fucking flush in right after the other.
You let the water fill up first in the tank in the bag.
So he had to fucking fart hold it.
Wait for the water to fill up and fart again.
And I could drink a couple of minutes.
Yeah. Oh Lord.
Ain't no damn perpetual toilet flushing.
Not that I know of.
No.
After this, I feel better.
I think all is back to being kosher.
I go lay down.
I'm out cold until 3 48 a.m.
Awoken again by the sound of my southern cheeks.
Just flapping.
Jesus.
This time a wave of pressure comes with it.
Uh oh.
It's game time.
I need to make a choice.
Go home and deal with this now.
We're attempting to decompress in the bathroom again.
I go with the latter.
I get to the bathroom, shut the door, flush the toilet and let it go.
I swear to you, Red, I farted for a full 40 seconds.
It's a long fart.
It was winded after it.
I'm not headed.
It took all my air.
It was one long, loud, continuous line.
No matter what I did, I couldn't stop it.
Just it's like that.
Sometimes you got some windy days.
It had come out.
I couldn't believe that much gas could exist inside of me.
You'd be surprised.
As soon as it was over, I was hit with the urge to open the floodgates.
I knew I couldn't do anything.
I couldn't do it there.
There was no way in hell she'd ever have me over again.
So I went back to her room, woke her up to say bye.
Absolutely shocked she slept through that.
Just pretending.
That's all that is.
Gave her a quick kiss and out of the door sprinting to my car.
I mean, fuck the car.
I just ran straight on.
I made it over to care of business.
Today I got a text from her asking why I had left early last night.
I told her I was tired and sore and my dog had to be let out.
She FaceTimed me after and she thought I was mad at her because I had never
woke up around her before.
So I had to shit so hard before.
That was horrible.
It was like, this shit's going to hit.
At that point, she just took a shit there.
I mean, she was so dead asleep.
I'm going to have to fucking let that shit out.
I'm going to fucking turn the shower on.
I haven't taken a shower.
Turn the fucking music up.
Do something.
Oh, man.
Next one is by ComfortableSir2283.
It's first in puts.
I never thought I'd be in this situation.
I lost three of my four friends because I called one of their babies ugly.
She said it wasn't an intentional insult, but she said it.
On the ass, man.
My friend, Elkhorn Elizabeth, she's been posting pictures of her baby all over
Instagram.
All I did was a little eww underneath the fucking picture and all of a sudden I'm the asshole.
To put it bluntly, her baby isn't very cute.
His nose is very big and he has big puffy eyes.
Oh, my God.
At first, it was cute and I was happy for her, but over time, the constant flood of baby photos started to wear on me.
During the group hangout, no one talked about anything other than Elizabeth's baby.
I got tired of losing my appetite every time I saw his pictures.
I already was in a bad mood, and this made it worse.
Out of frustration, when she was showing the ass the photos that she had already posted on her Instagram, I blurted out,
Not every baby is cute and honestly yours isn't.
Damn.
So straight to it, huh?
I meant it more as a comment on the constant oversharing, not an outright judgment of her baby, but
You said exactly what you wanted to say.
You knew what you meant.
You said what you meant very vainly.
But it came out of completely wrong.
Not every baby is cute, especially yours.
So that's what you said.
That is what you said.
Exactly what I meant.
That's exactly what you meant.
Everyone went silent and my friend was visibly hurt.
The waiter in the back dropped all his plates.
What the?
Oh, shit.
Since then, she hasn't spoken to me.
I tried reaching out to apologize and explain, but she blocked me.
Three of my friends called me a jerk.
What? You're ugly ass.
Three of my friends called me a jerk and said that they didn't want to talk to me.
Elizabeth decided to kick me out of their WhatsApp group.
She is the admin.
That sounds like it's all women.
Yeah.
Those guys that have been like, you know, your baby's ugly.
Well, maybe it's yours.
You're ugly as fuck.
There would have been a comeback.
Yeah.
Now only one wants to hang out with me.
I feel terrible and I regret my choice of words.
I miss my friends and I wish I could understand where I was coming from.
I hope they forgive me and let me hang out with them.
That is pretty wild.
Like just that and it ruins fucking years of friendship.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
Because I take it as a personal insult.
It is a personal insult.
Does it mean you can't be friends?
I just don't like your child.
Keep that spawn of Satan away from me.
Then we go into this one from throw RA 454342.
It's a long ass fucking user name.
It's a bot.
This person puts a week back.
Hell, you ain't a fellow human.
This person puts a week back.
I made a post on the Reddit.
Am I the asshole?
Turns out yes.
About advising my coworker, Sarah, we'll call her, to lose weight in order to be taken more seriously in our workplace.
Oh, Lord.
After all my comments, I realized that I was in the wrong.
My comment was inappropriate and hurtful and I needed to apologize to Sarah properly.
So I approached Sarah again.
I admitted I was wrong in saying what I had said and I was deeply sorry for hurting her.
In the course of the conversation though.
What the fuck did that person say now?
I accidentally suggested for her to start going to the gym.
God dang.
So in the process of apologizing for the thing that you got in trouble for, you double down on the thing you got in trouble for.
She wanted to fuck me.
I said it again.
I immediately regretted saying it again.
She started to cry.
I tried to apologize, but the damage was done.
The next day I was called into the HR for a meeting.
Sarah had reported the second conversation to them.
HR told me any remarks about my coworker's appearance were considered harassment and the fact that did it more than once was completely unacceptable.
Bitch.
That was all the...
Like he's full of playin' all night that he doubled down on the funniest shit to make.
In the process of apologizing.
I'm sorry, but would you like to go to the gym?
They then told me that I was fired.
Sarah.
I was shocked.
Fuck.
Again?
I never got into any trouble at work.
I didn't expect to get fired so suddenly.
With no warnings or anything, I genuinely thought I was helpin', Sarah.
Well, hell, you generally were wrong.
I would never hurt her intentionally or anyone else.
I feel so terrible.
In the back of his mind, like she needs to live away.
I feel so bad at the same time this other woman won't be my friend anymore because I said her baby was butt ugly.
My whole life's gonna sham us.
Sarah blocked me.
So I reached out to her friend to send my apology letter to her.
But she blocked me too because I said her baby was ass ugly.
Thank God.
The friend told me Sarah was still very upset and hated me.
Hate's a strong word.
Maybe dislike.
This job was so important to me, I don't think I will find another one like it with as high of a salary.
Being a hot dog vendor was my only dream.
And now I took it away from you.
That doesn't make any sense in the structure to me.
It was somebody that worked with the hot dog factory.
It's like stop eating the hot dog, Sarah.
She's eating them all.
Process hot dogs, man.
They're the best food to eat.
But they're good.
They're fucking good.
Two weeks ago I was talking to them about the possibility of promotion and now I'm unemployed.
Damn.
I guess I learned my lesson the hard way.
He makes one of those little hobo like little hobo little kit and then on a tight on a fucking piece of rope or no on a stick he just walks away.
You know those little hobo things they have where they put all their belongings in a fucking rag.
They tie them to the end of a fucking stick and just walk out.
That's him leaving the fucking office.
And this last one is I think more of a fetish confession than it is.
So this is by Lincoln Taos.
I know a lot of people don't.
This is how it stars.
Tarantino.
He's on Reddit now.
That's his thing.
This is by DeBouse4.
This person puts I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now.
We were in my room smoking some weed.
This sure is prevalent throughout these fucking posts is that the consumption of mind altering drugs.
That's why I don't like them.
Personally you can do whatever you want in your own home.
But I mean I just do hardcore cocaine.
I don't know what the deal of the need is.
The recreational.
Black tar heroin is my fucking choice.
That's my jam.
I've never had an orgasm from a blowjob before but this time I felt the intense buildup of that and usually feel right before.
So I told her I was about to.
She kept going and I had the most intense orgasm I've ever felt in my life.
It felt so euphoric like my soul and my body came back.
Came back.
Where did they go?
Left and came back.
The weed like drifted away his soul.
Then the sudden realization.
I peed in her mouth.
How the fuck did that change from one to the other.
It's hard to figure out.
Took me a second to realize what had happened.
First of all when there's one salvo in the fucking the fucking chamber.
Yeah it's not going to fucking give another one.
No no.
I don't know.
Listen I didn't know if I should play it off and act like nothing had happened or be mortified.
I started coming to my senses whenever my girlfriend started gagging a little bit and asked her why it was so watery.
I told her I peed in her mouth and by accident started apologizing profusely.
My bad.
She was mad for a little bit.
Went to the bathroom to wash her mouth out.
Man that girl's a trooper.
Mad for a little bit.
She was fine about it after she got her some sweets and kept apologizing.
I'm more surprised that she managed to swallow it all like a champ.
Felt like a never ending waterfall was flowing out.
That's why I said it sounds more like a fetish than it does.
How long did he?
Exactly.
I'm just a little worried.
I don't know if I should get my prostate checked or something.
Only 24 years old.
This has never happened before during sex.
I've heard that it's usually not possible to pee whenever you're about to orgasm.
So I was just saying.
The first comment.
For the record you are not supposed to be able to, oojakass.
Great answer.
You helped me a lot there sir.
That apart from me could happen.
With the hands like that.
But incontinence during sex is extremely rare.
God dang.
You might have cancer.
Just fringing this poor guy out.
It's times like these that you need to have Mentos.
I remember this guy one time came into my retail store.
He was clearly homeless.
He was freaking out.
He had this huge ass cut on the top of his eyebrow.
Almost down to the bone.
He was like, you got some cream that can fix this?
I'm like yeah.
At the fucking hospital.
Does it hurt?
Yeah it hurts a lot.
Maybe it's starting to get infected.
That's an open wound.
He's like, oh my God.
You're telling me I can't go to the hospital.
You don't cream on help.
I'm trying to convince this man to go to the fucking hospital.
Oh my gosh.
Then some customer was walking by.
He said, hey man, is that true?
If it starts hurting real bad, it might be getting infected?
The guy completely ignored him.
He said that must mean it's true.
He started freaking out into the night.
He just ran out into the night basically.
Crack ass for you.
He was trying to get some fucking Neal's porn or some shit.
There's no fucking way.
That shit was a massive fucking cut across your fucking dome.
No, even whenever I obfuscate my own arm, Neal's porn helps a little bit,
but it doesn't help all that much.
What are we going to do?
Just wipe it into his fucking horn?
Just rub that shit in there.
I don't know what the fuck he did, but that shit looked terrible.
Yeah, he's going to probably need stitches.
Yeah.