Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite and end of
movies, games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
Let's go ahead and get started.
Oh, we got it.
Alrighty.
We're going to talk about from last week where we talked about Dr. Light destroying Sue
Dibney's life.
Destroying fucking any level of escapism for people reading.
Yes.
So we're going to talk about the messed up, fucked up things that both Marvel and DC have
done.
And we'll start to have allowed to be written and drawn.
Yes.
Now some of these are not as fucked up as you would think, but some of them are.
They're kind of like the moments in comic books when you're reading it's like, huh.
You remember the three?
Well, it was because it's a trinity between Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman.
And two of those of the trinity had that really bad situation back in the 90s where Superman
got killed by Doomsday and Batman got his back broken.
You know, that was going to be a third story for Wonder Woman.
You've heard it, right?
Yeah.
Written by Mark Miller.
Yeah.
Real fucking bad that they never wrote, thankfully.
Yeah, they never wrote it though.
All right.
Is that on there?
No.
I guess because they didn't do it, it wouldn't be.
It wasn't actually in the comics.
It would have been fucking terrible.
Go ahead and describe it to everybody.
No.
You think it would go to themselves.
Look up Wonder Woman, Mark Miller.
And you'll find it.
Get demonetized.
That man has a fucking storytelling choice that he makes and he makes in every fucking
choice, every story.
And that's one of them.
Yeah.
That situation constantly happens in his books.
It's hard to be like it's a fetish for him.
I think it is.
Fucking freak.
All right.
He said, we'll start with Marvel first.
The first one's not too bad, but it's kind of instead of like, what the fuck moment,
more of like a, oh wow, I don't think they'd do that.
Maynardo.
I don't know.
I didn't know they had fucking balls.
Oh, did the Wolverine and his fucking whole skeleton ripped out?
Yeah.
You know, they did that on the show now.
Yeah.
I haven't watched it.
The new like.
I heard.
I heard about it.
Yeah.
So Maynardo ripped out the adamantine off of Wolverine skeleton and X-Men number 25.
How would that, how would, how though?
Like, okay.
So he tries, he rips the skeleton off of his like, no, off of his bones.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
He pulled the adamantine.
Adamantium out.
Off of his bones itself.
I thought like, like in my head, I thought like he just like somehow got the skin and
then he ripped up the whole skeleton.
No, no, no, no.
So basically Maynardo previously thought dead after the X-Men's fight with him on asteroid
M had returned, this time with a group of zealous mutant followers called the Acolytes.
When Maynardo disrupts the earth's electrical systems with a powerful magnetic blast, Professor
X leads a group of X-Men to Maynardo's orbital base known as Avalon to defeat him.
This strike team engages the master of magnetism in a brutal bout, which is nearly finished
by Wolverine whenever he stabs Maynardo in the stomach.
However, Magneto manages to survive Wolverine's vicious attack and enraged rips the adamantium
from Wolverine's skeleton.
Damn.
Just pulls the adamantium off of his bones.
See, Megan will basketball what he did with it.
This act drives Professor X to his breaking point and he wipes Magneto's mind clean, leaving
him in a catatonic state.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that part.
Yeah.
Like you give them a fucking lobotomy.
Pretty much, yes.
Because it's something that it's shown.
Apparently they've done it now on the X-Men show that is out.
But before that, they never touched that specifically and nobody understood why.
It's like, huh.
That's why it's kind of like one of those, fuck, they did that?
I guess because like they knew, well, in character, Magneto wouldn't be that violent toward a
fellow mutant, I guess.
And I guess I just pushed him to the limit.
Hey, will getting stabbed in your stomach?
I guess so.
I don't know.
He must have just been pissed.
I don't know.
I mean, they fought before.
And that's why we got bung claw Wolverine again right after that.
Yeah.
Right when we became feral Wolverine for a little bit.
Yeah.
Going out in the woods eating deer raw.
I know.
Or leersh.
I don't know what he was doing out in the woods.
Because apparently without the adamantium.
Butt ass naked.
He goes feral, which is weird.
Oh, well.
So the adamantium poisons him over time like in the Logan movie.
Yeah.
But if he doesn't have it, he goes feral.
But it wasn't feral before he had the adamantium.
It was James Cowlick.
True.
But I'm saying like this is like apparently progressive as time goes on.
He becomes more and more feral.
He's one like a fucking tub of dementia.
Probably.
So either dies from poisoning or dies like a fucking beast.
When does the healing factor heal that though?
I think it changes over time.
I can't remember how he became feral Wolverine.
I know that.
Well, they said because the pain was so intense he fucking lost his mind.
Yeah.
I mean, I would imagine so.
I mean, like for all we know, he pulled it out.
Like he pulled all the adamant out of his dick for all he just straight out of his fucking
asshole.
He's like ahhhh.
Like a kidney phone?
Jesus, you never know how he pulled it out.
Pulled it out of his fucking ears.
All his pores.
Oh, that shit.
I know that drove him insane.
He just ended up in the fucking woods until he healed.
Second thing, Bruce Banner's abusive father beat him and his mother.
Yeah, we gotta remember that.
Like I beat him like a stepchild.
Yeah.
So in this issue we see a flashback of whenever Bruce Banner was a young boy before he became
the hawk.
One Christmas morning when Bruce was still a toddler, he wanders over to the tree and
begins opening one of his presents, which turns out to be a mechanic set.
Yay.
So even at a young age, Bruce is brilliant and is able to put it all together himself.
However, when Bruce's father, Brian, comes down the stairs and sees his son's extreme
intellect, he flies into a rage and destroys the finished model.
What is this?
Fucking father stupid or something?
Like he's a man.
What did he beat him?
You're not smart.
Why are you smart?
He's a beastish gem.
So Brian believed that his years working in nuclear physics meant that Bruce was a latent
monster and seeing his advanced smarts proved his suspicions correct.
In his own mind.
And then hearing the ruckus, Bruce's mother, Rebecca, dashes into the room and tries to
defend her son, but Brian slaps her in front of him.
He just gives us a fucking double hand.
What if it wasn't as violent as all that?
What if it was like the South Park episode where like, I'm a slap you.
And he just does those little dainty slaps.
Or like whatever Cartman messed with that short midget guy.
Fucking fist fight.
Just laughing at him the whole time like he thinks it's the game.
That was the only time Cartman was not afraid for a fight.
Exactly.
He's been getting his ass beat his whole fucking life.
He knew he could handle that guy.
I had his little feelings.
He turned red like a strawberry.
Oh, Cartman.
Alrighty next one.
Nick Fury kills a prostitute Jean Grey.
Oh, was that the Knorr?
Ruins number one.
So in this bleak alternate universe, Phil Sheldon, a former reporter for the Daily Bugle,
interviews many figures who were main heroes in the main Marvel comics.
Oh yeah, like weird accidents happened to him instead of actual powers.
Yeah.
But are deformed and demented in this one.
Phil is working on a book to share with the world where precisely it is in history things
took a turn for the worst.
After meeting such heroes as Wolverine and Captain Mar-Vell, not Marvel, but Mar-Vell,
Phil interviews government agent Nick Fury, who's now a cannibal.
That's what the what there's never been any president that in the in the actual series
that you just didn't have a cannibal.
So the conversation is interrupted whenever Jean Grey wearing her classic green suit approaches
them and offers them a good time for $20 to fucking kills her.
Fury then casually guns her down, then state that he's going to take a nap and proceeds
to shoot himself in the head.
Hmm.
What a dark.
It's a real dark series.
I know.
I know the Spider-Man had a real messed up one too.
Like he was like an actual mutant spider.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Where it was Spiders Man.
Yeah, something weird about him.
Yeah.
And then like Thor was like some like homeless guy with dementia and he like actually got
hit by lightning or something and killed him.
And then like I think Bruce was the worst one because it was actually like what would
happen if he had real gamma radiation.
It's just the answer patients.
Yeah, just a just tumors all over his body.
Yeah.
Uh, the next one we have from Marvel is a Thanos dissects his mother while she is still
alive.
Damn.
That one was seven and Thanos rising.
So Thanos rising tells the story of Thanos, his early life before becoming one of the
most dangerous villains in the Marvel universe.
Whenever he is first born, his mother, uh, Sui-san was so disturbed by his unusual appearance
that she tried to kill him and it was ultimately sent into an sent to an institution.
Oh yeah.
I know about that part.
Yeah.
Young Thanos was a pacifist, but after a traumatic incident left in his friends, uh, that an
incident that left his friends dead, a girl had feelings for convinced him to get revenge.
Before long, he had become a serial killer who justified his tennis actions as scientific
quests.
My name is Dexter Morgan.
Eventually, Thanos reunited with his mother by strapping her to a table and dissecting
her while she was still alive.
No less to discover what made him a monster killing her in the process.
He's like, I think it's a little like a horror film.
Yeah.
Like a fun act, like a straight actual like a crime movie.
Yeah.
He's not even close.
Not even close to a fucking actual superhero epic.
Uh, next one we have is professor X's crush on a 16 year old, a Jean Grey.
Professor X, you nasty old man.
This is X-Men number three.
It's not a sin if, if you don't commit to it or if I have some rationale.
So the first team of X-Men, uh, Jean Grey, uh, Marvel, uh, sorry, Jean Grey, Scott Summers,
Hank McCoy, uh, Warren Worthington, the third, which is Angel.
Yeah.
And then we have Louis Drake are in the middle of a training session.
Whenever professor X interrupts them with an update about a new mutant, he has telepathically
detected and how to meet this person.
At that time, all the male members had a crush on Jean, but she only had feelings for Scott
and chose him to accompany her, accompany her on her, on this mission.
Professor X warns them to be careful, but Jean reassures him that they'll be fine and
that they shouldn't have to worry.
This prompts professor X to think to himself, don't worry as though I could help worrying
about her, but I can never tell her now while I'm the leader of the X.
Not if I don't want to go straight to a fucking jail.
Now while I'm the leader of the X-Men and confined to this wheelchair.
Oh my God.
So man, if he hadn't been in the wheelchair, he'd be fucking laying, laying pipe right
now with a 60 year old girl is what we're being told here.
Like this is legit what we're being told.
Yes.
Professor X, you nasty old motherfucker.
This one for anybody thought of do you think about it was you read Lolita way before that
fuck was he doing?
And the justification for marvelous Stanley previously wrote a lot of romance comics.
Stanley is not a pedophile.
He would never write such filth.
All right.
Should at least be a hard 18.
Yeah.
Next one is the Punisher parks a steamroller on Wolverine.
Oh yeah, that's not that bad.
That's why I said it.
Not at all.
Not even like Dave with a skeleton.
He wouldn't even crush his skeleton at all.
No, it's too strong.
He didn't roll over him.
It'd be like a fucking bumpy speed.
So basically after the Punisher Wolverine reluctantly team up to take down a mob of
little gangsters dedicated to removing the legs of criminals.
Little gangsters?
Yeah.
What, in midgets?
What?
I don't understand.
I'm confused.
It's the way it was described.
These children?
It's a group of delinquents, like 12 year olds.
It would be so funny, like Frank's like, with like justice, no age.
And they start fucking blasting off some kids.
That would be funny.
Just like Batman, like justice is equal rights.
What is Batman?
The hammer of justice knows no gender.
He fucking sucks a little lady in the face.
With play face?
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.
He just punches this little old lady, cleaning the mouth.
He's like, equal opportunity.
It's basically.
So the two anti-heroes get into a fight themselves.
First, the Punisher shoots Wolverine in the face, leaving him to spend the rest of the
storyline with his adamantium skull revealed as his skin slowly heals back over it.
How long does it take to heal?
Apparently back there.
It always does a weird fight.
It's either like instantaneously.
Instantaneously, yeah.
Like it is now or like, because it's like, it's like.
Back then, right?
Like it was a slower aging cool.
Like he used to age faster than normal, but now like that's not good enough.
So like they always have to up the actual abilities of characters.
Like back then Captain America was like peak human, right?
Like he was like the top level of human, what a human could be was capable of.
But in the MCU, he was well above that.
And because, you know, just peak human is not enough.
So you know, the Wolverines are now instantaneous.
But back then it would take like a couple days for like a gunshot wound.
I think so.
Like a couple hours for a knife wound.
It depends on like if your body part, like a knife wound, it only separates part of your
body that you already have.
Whereas like a gunshot actually knocks away part of your body.
So it had to regrow.
Kind of like how Deadpool's is now.
Like whenever he gets his legs chopped off, they grow back.
They take forever.
Like when he had the little baby legs and hands.
And his fucking dick and balls.
I don't know what a child's dick and balls look like on a crone ass man.
Or whatever the hell fucking Cable said.
He's like, oh, oh.
But yeah, like I was never like, I just like consistency.
I understand evolution in storytelling.
Because like for a film.
Now it's almost instant.
Because it's too cool.
It would be worthless without it being, you know.
Yeah.
Like Wolverine gets fucking shot in the heart and they're gonna give me a couple days.
Gotta slow the story down.
Where they have to skip to the couple, yeah, a couple fucking bus ladies.
Like, oh, finally.
He's back and they're working out because he can't again.
So after he shoots him in the face, the Punisher then shoots Wolverine in the groin knowing
full well that his parts will grow back with his regenerative abilities.
Hopefully bigger.
Now watch his smile.
I would be, I would be fucking living.
However, the Punisher needs to finish his mission without Wolverine getting in his way.
Wolverine decides to park a steamroller on his face and he yells mum-fold empty threats
back at him after that.
How do you get out?
I guess the police would like, you know.
Unroll the steamroller.
Yeah, like, oh my God, there's a body under there.
He gets rolled, they can roll him off of you.
But he fucking just gets looped away.
He'll port it back.
Yeah.
Well, on top of that, since Wolverine doesn't have super strength.
Right, like, he can't move it.
He's like, I think, well, he's pretty strong actually.
He is, but he's not.
I know like he can move around, like, I remember one time he fought Captain America and he
got kicked off of this fucking airliner.
Yeah.
They were flying in because they were trying to decide what to do with it.
It was like that A versus X storyline about what to do with Jean Grey, the Phoenix Force.
And like, it was cold as fuck and he killed a bear and he was just fucking having that
bear on the shoulder like a backpack.
The bear's like fucking 800 pounds.
But then again, there's a dude from Italy that I can't remember.
I think it was back in the like ancient, like, like the stories that come out from like ancient
Rome and stuff like that.
But where he started carrying a calf.
Oh, that's Hercules.
There was another like a person that actually did it though.
Carrying a calf from whenever it was real small and then carried it when it was bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And lying his ass off.
Be like, somebody if I post that on Instagram, that lying motherfucker.
No, somebody tried doing that recently too.
I don't know how far they got to where like.
I don't know, horse is heavy as fuck.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think that he was able to lift it once it got to like the main size, but he
did it for a while though.
So I'm assuming at least he can bench upwards of like 800.
So like slightly.
Like not super superhuman, but like enhanced at least.
Enhanced, yeah.
Because of his adamantum, his muscle, like his like, I guess like you're only going to
lift as strong as your muscles hold.
So because of his metal, he can actually lift more than a normal person.
His skeleton actually can withstand.
Yeah, like the actual force of holding something that heavy.
Yeah.
But he's not like level of, he's not like fucking MCU Captain America.
No, no.
Or he can just jump out of a plane and.
Or fucking, you know, lift a fucking like rip a fucking hole out of it.
Or like when he was running through that fucking office building, ripping doors out the fucking
engine.
Yeah.
That shit looked weird to me.
That scene was the weirdest one.
Yeah, there was a lot of those.
He was running so fast he was like breaking the walls and shit.
When he was trying to catch the soldier.
That was a weird scene.
Yeah.
He's way beyond what comic books base.
He's basically like, well, he's cause he's Marvel where he's the ultimate version.
The ultimate version was that strong.
Like he was like fucking benching a fucking Ford pickup.
Yeah.
Like they went with that one instead of the original Captain America.
Right.
It was not as strong as that.
Cause the original was just, I think it was, it was peak, right?
Yeah.
It was like the very like Batman level strength.
Maybe a little bit higher.
Which is still like, you know, fundamentally strong.
Yeah.
Like it's strong as fuck.
Feel like a fucking heavyweight lifter.
But it's not, it's not fucking MCU level.
Yeah.
MCU got crazy.
Like he, you can't, like he wouldn't be able to fight Iron Man full suit.
Like he did in MCU.
And it got so crazy that Falcon could get hit by a super powered person and still be
alive.
Oh yeah.
Like it's hard to do like, it's hard to do power scaling.
So you gotta like, let the fucking suspension disbelief stay holding.
A little bit.
Yeah.
Or be like, come on now.
Like have you ever seen that Family Guy thing where they're interviewing, like it's the
Avengers, but they're interviewing Black Widow where they're saying, so what do you
do?
I kick.
You can kick too, right?
Come on, Hawk.
You know you can.
I'm sorry.
I've seen you kick one time in the MCU.
But you can't beat any of the main characters, like the big, like the big guns or anything
like that.
Yeah.
She's like, it's habitor, you know.
You got fucking, you got Thor and Incredible Hulk.
They're already beyond powerful.
Exactly.
And they're not even to the max level of comic book level of strength that they have.
All right.
Next one we have, this is the top 10 part now.
So there's 10 of them.
Okay.
Number 10, Carnage kills the dog with a drill.
Fuck.
When he was a kid.
How?
Oh yeah, I forgot that kid was a fucking psycho.
He does.
So before-
As he is Clay, whatever the name is.
Cletus Kasady.
Became Carnage.
He was a disturbed-
No, he looks a lot like Woody Harrison.
He does.
I'm joking because Woody Harrison actually played him in MFDS.
But he does.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Even in the comic books he looked like that.
Does?
How much is he making a joke?
He does?
Yeah, he really does in the comic books.
He's talking a while.
He was a disturbed young boy who committed all manners of disturbing acts.
In Venom Carnage Unleashed, Cletus is having a session with a therapist, Dr. Camille Opazo,
who is trying to delve into what motivated him to dig up the graves of his mother and
his father.
Cletus dodges the question and starts talking about how he believes his mother loved the
family dog more than him.
The comic then cuts to a flashback to that incident when his mother catches him in the
basement with their dog dead on the floor in a bloody power drill in his hand.
Crazy kid.
Of course, Cletus simply tells the therapist that he was blamed for the dog's death and
then changes the subject with a devilish smirk.
So yeah.
That's kind of fucked.
I always had those like TikTok videos where like you'd see like a villain do something
right and then the comment's like, that's literally me.
Have you ever actually seen a conversation with a serial killer?
They are fucking beyond insane.
Yes.
None of us are literally them.
They are some truly vile human beings.
Yes, they are.
And people don't know.
People watch way too many of those.
They don't watch the show.
They don't watch the actual real people.
Yeah.
So people watch way too many of those like docudramas.
Or they watch like that scripted version of it, like the Dahmer stuff that people were
in love with Dahmer.
And then once you read the actual Dahmer stuff, you're like, God dang.
Yeah.
Like I work with a guy that, he's not that old, but he thinks he's a narco.
So he thinks he was this big time drug dealer.
Dude, you sold pot to a couple of your friends in high school.
What the fuck are you talking about?
They'll fucking throw you in a god dang barrel of oil and fucking light you on fire.
If like, yeah, you're going to mess up the cartels, go ahead.
Have fun.
Next one we have is Iron Man's armor becomes obsessed with him.
Like?
So Iron Man has frequently equipped his armor with cutting edge AI to help him control the
complex technology that powers his suit.
But sometimes that technology can backfire.
As fictional AIs do, standing regularity.
That is, yeah, dude, sure go fuck up all the time.
So after one of his suits was struck by lightning during a battle and gained full sentience,
it became obsessed with its wearer and even took the life of the villain Whiplash.
Wait, didn't it the one that left him a heart?
I think so, yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Whenever it started to act more like a crazed stalker.
Later on, it even tried to supplant Tony as Iron Man, leading to a climactic battle between
the hero and the iconic armor.
Yeah.
What?
Oh, is that the rest of the story?
Yeah.
Okay.
You looked at me like there was more in the old way.
I was like, okay, you just stopped so suddenly.
Yes.
Next one.
Spider-Man is abused as a child.
What?
No, he wasn't.
By who?
So Marvel has often tried to address serious issues like drug addiction and child abuse
and the results have been rather mixed.
No kidding.
No one wants to see that in their comic books.
Absolutely not.
In one story intended to raise awareness for child abuse, the web had revealed to a young
abuse victim that he himself was abused as a child when an old schoolmate named Skip
tried to touch Peter inappropriately.
Oh my God.
That's truthful.
We can't...
That's...
The story is well-meaning in its attempts to alert children to the dangers out there
and how to talk to your parents and friends about incidents like these.
But like a lot of these stories, it hasn't aged particularly well.
I doubt it did.
It's just that comic books are not the best place to meet your children.
And when you have the dude Skip saying, hey, why don't we do what's in the magazines?
And Peter's like, what magazines?
And that was in the picture.
Why don't we do what's in the magazines with each other?
Fucking weird.
Out of that room.
Comic books are just not the place for that stuff.
Absolutely not.
Have a fucking seminar at school.
Don't do it in a comic book.
Yeah.
Okay, now we're going to the next one.
It's almost close to that.
It's a...
Fuck.
Bruce Banner gets assaulted at a YMCA.
God dang it.
Why at the YMCA of all places?
What, did that beat his ass there too?
So, speaking of stories that have aged spectacularly poor lady, this unsavory scene from the 1980
issue of The Hulk saw Bruce Banner get assaulted by two stereotypically gay men.
Stereotypically?
What the fuck?
Unsurprisingly, for someone who spends a lot of time on the run, Bruce has spent a night
or two at a YMCA, right?
So during one such visit, he is confronted and nearly raped in the shower by two aggressive
men in a scene that positively reeks of the 80s gay pain.
Fucking Hulk no bottom.
Hulk no bottom.
He fucking just rips it out.
After he becomes a top?
Yeah, Hulk always top.
Hulk always top.
Good God.
That's what it's like.
All righty, number six.
Two, the deaths in Ultimatum.
Ultimatum?
Which was a...
Ultimatum?
Yeah.
That was the end of the Ultimate Universe wasn't it?
Yes.
Yeah.
So the first one is the blob eats wasp.
Fuck.
Yeah.
So following the death of his children, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, Magneto, Val, and Sparrow...
Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, the two siblings?
Yes.
The children?
Yes.
Okay, we just want to establish that they're brother and sister.
That's coming up.
Okay.
We go.
Yes.
So Magneto evals revenge against the entire human race and reverses the Earth's magnetic
poles causing massive destruction around the world.
The millions of deaths that ensue catch the heroes of the Ultimate Universe off guard
with many dying in the giant tidal wave that destroyed much of New York City while the
surviving heroes set out to rescue as many people as they can.
Hank Pym sets out among the devastation to make sure his wife, Janet, is still alive
with Hawkeye among... along to help.
However, not only do they discover that she's dead, but the blob is eating her.
Why?
Mid-mouthful, the blob remarks that she tastes like chicken.
That's a...
Why... why is the blob a cannibal?
That's no weird fucking choice.
Just chomping... he chopped her off her head first.
At least it was...
Just holding her...
Fucking... fucking painless.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
And then Yellowjacket gets his revenge on the blob.
So...
He fucking eats him too?
Yeah.
So Hank Pym having a pretty unhealthy relationship with Janet in the Ultimate Universe after
hitting her and spraying her with bug spray while she was in her miniature form...
Jesus.
He spent much of his time obsessively winning her back in this.
So whenever Hank discovered the blob eating her... eating his estranged wife, he did what
any caring husband would do in that situation.
He grew to sixty feet tall, picked up the blob, bit off his head and spit it out onto
the pavement, was seeking indisgust.
Hmm.
He was like, it's fun to eat people, huh?
Quite the choice, huh?
Jesus.
So he did the same thing back.
Now imagine if they put that into him.
Alright, next one we have is Craven's Last Hunt.
Okay.
Yeah.
So in this Grimm story, Craven, one of Spider-Man's villains, I think most people know who he
is, hunts down the wall crawler, beats him in combat and seemingly kills him.
While Spider-Man survived Craven's attack, he's been incapacitated and buried alive leaving
Craven to put on his costume and take over his crime fighting duties.
However, Craven's violent nature compels him to beat up criminals more savagely than what
Spider-Man ever did.
Nonetheless, Craven believes that because he defeated Spider-Man in combat and is more
effective in his own mind at stopping criminals, he is the superior Spider-Man of the two of
them.
Damn, superior Spider-Man before superior Spider-Man?
I know.
Little good old Otto Octavius?
Before it was Peter Parker began obsessing his own aunt with Otto.
His own aunt?
Aunt May?
Was he?
Otto was obsessed with her?
Oh, was he?
As Peter Parker, though?
I remember that.
Which was creepy as f- Weird.
So even when the real Spider-Man arrives for a final confrontation, Craven believes that
he's better than him and has achieved his ultimate goal.
Craven then reflects on his past lives and his greatest triumphs.
As a hunter, he places a rifle in his mouth and pulls the trigger.
Eesh.
Blows the back of his shit off, huh?
He co-mains it.
God dang.
What's the other guy's name?
Okay, Hemingway did.
Yeah.
So that's- I guess I win in the end, Spider-Man.
Yeah, because he thought he was better than Spider-Man.
I was like, what the fuck?
He's got the vomit in his suit.
In his mask.
He's okay.
To be fair, that's probably what Peter would say.
Fuck.
He's okay.
Flipping out, yeah.
The next one we have is Gwen Stacy's Affair with Norman Osborn.
Oh yeah, and those two weird ass kids that fucking grew up like fucking 15 years in one
day or some shit.
Yeah, you know exactly which ones I was talking about.
To this day, they're still trying to wreck on it.
Are they really?
That it didn't happen.
What, like it was a dream?
Or they never existed.
But like it's still part of the canon.
Fuck.
Oh, well the next one is gonna be fun.
In the Ultimate Universe, Ultimate is Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch.
They did a good old fucking Cersei and Jaime Lannister.
Yeah, so an Ultron-
Also had children too.
What do you know?
I know.
A bunch of disgusting inbreds.
So an Ultron robot has wrecked havoc and the Ultimates' lives to distract him in order
to kill Wanda as part of a larger scheme.
Wolverine meets with the Ultimates to tell them about his history with the Linshar family.
Some years earlier, Erik Mainito had recruited Wolverine to join his growing brotherhood
and even tasked him with killing his son, Petro, who he thought was too weak.
Wolverine, planning to simply scare Petro, but caught him off guard by Wanda's hexpower
and sends him running.
However, whenever Wolverine returns, he finds the two siblings engaging in a loving embrace.
What the fuck you doing, bub?
I'm not sure.
Wolverine's like, what the fuck?
See, Wolverine's story cuts off here, but it's easy from the art and the dialogue to
understand what's really going on between Wanda and Petro.
It's fucking nice, bub.
It's made it even more disturbing when, even before the love scene, Petro remarks that
Wanda is looking more and more like their mother every day.
Like I wiped his memory.
I bet you wiped Wolverine's memory.
He became feral.
Instead of like in the Ultimates universe, this is what made him feral.
He's like, ahhh.
Bum, no, bub.
The fuck you got your sister, bub?
To top it all off, Wolverine tells of how he first met their mom decades earlier and
had a relationship heavily implying that he's their birth father.
My old fucking kids, bub.
It's even worse, he's just stood there and stared.
What the fuck, like a deer caught in a headlight.
Alright, number two from Wolverine.
Hank Pym hits the walls.
Oh yeah, he used to beat the hell out of her in the Ultimates universe.
So after nearly botching a recent mission with the Avengers, the team arranges for a
court martial hearing of Hank Pym, currently in his yellow jacket identity, to decide what
they should do with him.
Hank is bitter about this reaction to what he believes was justifiable behavior and decides
to get back into the good graces by constricting a robot inspired by his earlier creation Ultron.
Because normally Ultron was created by Hank Pym, not by Tony Stark.
Yeah, I remember.
In the Marvel universe though, it's...
Well, they didn't have Hank Pym until they had no choice.
His plan is to unleash the robot on the Avengers and make it look like it was a random attack,
only for him to step in to stop the robot and convince the team to let him rejoin based
on his display of heroism.
You have no fear?
Oh, he was here.
The fucking Ant-Man is here.
Goddamn Premier Avenger.
However, whenever his wife Janet stumbles upon his scheme, she tries to get him to reconsider
but he angrily slaps her in a fit of rage, resulting in him being kicked out of the Avengers
family.
He's my fucking name, Ant-Man!
He just fucking slapped him in the face.
But here's the funny part.
According to the issue's writer, Jim Shooter, the fateful slap was intended to be an accident
but a miscommunication between him and the artist led to it being depicted as an act
of domestic violence.
Jesus Christ.
So like, he slaps her but he's trying to get his hand out of her way and he smacks her
in the face.
He has no problem.
He gets fucking cold cocks.
Just cold cocks and blah!
So it wasn't even supposed to be intentional.
Exactly.
It's fucked up.
It was supposed to be an accident, like where he's like doing something and his hand is
like just catching it across the fucking face.
But they turned it into domestic violence.
Domestic violence is not one fun thing to talk about.
And the number one is Carol Danver gives birth to her own rapist.
What?
Yeah.
How the fuck did this happen?
Well, so what were they thinking?
Fucking weird ass Terminator type ass fucking movie.
So after the Avenger Ms. Marvel became suddenly and inexplicably pregnant, she gave birth
to a baby boy who matured overnight into a man, Marcus.
Marcus then explained that he is from a timeless dimension called Limbo and gained access to
our world by impregnating Ms. Marvel with himself by briefly bringing her to Limbo and
using a machine to influence her mind, compelling her to sleep with him.
After this, even though this wasn't creepy enough, the Avengers even watched happily
as Carol and Marcus returned to Limbo together, even though he had just explained how he had
kidnapped and raped her.
Fucking weird.
When she finally returned, she let her supposed two mates have it.
Have it?
What, you beat the hell out of them?
You son of a bitch.
Just our fucking, just going in on everybody.
You let him take me there.
I wouldn't blame her.
Now we move into the mess of things from the DC universe.
Here we go.
It's a top 10, okay.
Number 10, the Joker wears his own severed face.
That's not that bad.
It's his own face.
Who else would wear?
Where the fuck did my face go?
So you don't get to be the Crown Prince of Climb, if I can even talk, you don't get
to be the Crown Prince of Crying, fuck, the fucking tongue twister, by being stable and
well adjusted.
But the shocking new look is extreme even for Mr. J. After being captured by Batman
and sent to the Arkham for the millionth time, the Joker had a villain known as the Dollmaker
remove his face.
After escaping and vanishing for a year, the arch villain re-emerged, stealing his preserved
face from the Gotham Police Department and crudely reattaching it to himself with staples.
Remember that scene?
Yeah.
Giving him a horrifying and grisly new look to reflect his more new aggressive and bloodthirsty
style.
Wasn't it like the sort of tagline was like, what if Joker stopped playing?
Yes.
And he just fucking went and he shit.
Yeah, becomes the extreme ass murderer that he could have been.
Yeah, or at least instead of playing the gimmicks and stuff.
Instead of like, chewing with Batman.
I'm gonna just kill this motherfucker.
I know he's Bruce Wayne and he goes to his house and shoots him in the face.
Next one is Superman and Big Barda.
Almost make a porno.
Oh yeah, I saw that somewhere because they were getting mind control.
Yes.
So with a few exceptions, the denizens of Apocalypse are a nasty bunch and aptly named
Sleaze is bad even under their standards.
Revealing into Pravity, he eventually got to be too disturbing even for Darkseid.
This is like your origin.
He's a fucking pervert.
He just fucking finds some weird ass porno underneath his bed.
Get the fuck out of my house.
This is like your origin story.
Fucking free.
Darkseid exi-
Like fucking just photos of Darkseid taking his shit or something.
Get out of my fucking house.
Doing some unspeakable things while he sleeps.
What the fuck.
That's where all the fucking whipped cream went to.
God dang it.
So Darkseid exiled him to Earth.
He's like, yeah, you fucking freak.
Go to the fucking planet I know.
There he managed to trap and brainwash Superman and Big Barda.
Not on Earth, but straight to Las Vegas and my bad.
The most so squeezy fucking place in this side of the fucking universe.
He does.
So he brainwashes Superman and Big Barda and nearly succeed in forcing them to make a sex
tape that he can sell on the black market.
Is that a bird?
It's a plane?
It's a cock.
Switching to a US cock comes in the frame.
Thankfully, Big Barda's husband, Mr. Miracle, intervened and stopped Sleaze before it was
all too late.
But he could have stopped Superman in time.
So Superman just fucking goes down.
Mr. Terrific.
Or what other the fuck his name is?
Mr. Incredible?
Mr. Incredible.
What's the other guy's name?
The hero?
Mr. Miracle.
He got a miracle, all right.
All right.
Next one is Hal Jordan and Erasea.
Okay, so Hal Jordan, one of Earth's Green Lanterns, is known for being a bit of a playboy,
at least in the older comic books.
And one relationship in particular is rather infamous.
Initially appearing as Hal's teenage sidekick, the young alien named Erasea developed a crush
on the older hero as they shared adventure and excitement as members of the Green Lantern
Corps.
But whenever Erasea revealed her feelings, Hal turned her down because of her age.
He's like, you're too young.
Erasea is in subconscious.
You're too old for me.
You look like Leo.
God.
So Erasea then subconsciously used her power ring to cause her body to age, eventually
leading to her and Hal becoming a couple in spite of the fact that she was still under
age.
So she had a 13 year old's mind with her.
Okay, Professor is like, I don't see anything wrong with this.
You can't stop love.
You should have made that shit weird as fuck.
That reminds me how bad love has no age requirement.
That reminds me though, have you seen that one movie?
I can't remember.
I don't know.
I can't not remember the name of it.
It came out recently though, but it's about a woman, right?
That has an infant's brain that has unspeakable sexual acts with a bunch of people.
And they think that this is normal.
Infant's brain?
What?
A baby's brain.
That was put into an adult woman's head and then it fucks people.
The baby does it?
Yeah.
The brain.
I have not heard that.
I'll have to pull it all out later and show you what I'm talking about.
Cause everybody was so happy because the actress, may have been Emily Blunt.
Oh, you're talking about that movie with, it wasn't, it's that movie with Emma Stone.
Emma Stone maybe.
Yeah.
And she's like, but it's about where they put an infant brain in her body.
I don't know if it was an infant brain, but it was a underdeveloped.
I don't remember because she was mature.
She was.
Yes.
No, like, I mean, like she mentally matured throughout the movie.
She wasn't like a child.
Yeah.
I swear to God though, it was about, it was like they took the brain out of a baby.
Let me look, let me see.
Yes.
We'll pause for this.
Well, I just fucking threw up.
I hate being so funny.
Apparently the character that Emma Stone plays, she leaps off of a fucking bridge and kills
herself.
So her doctor, husband or boyfriend, whatever takes her fetus's brain and puts it back into
her body.
And then the baby grows up into a different adult.
I don't know what the fuck, what is the dumbest fucking idea?
I don't know.
And then she fucking ends up working at a whorehouse.
She fucks like 50,000 people.
Weird.
All right.
Next one is a Nightwing is sexually assaulted.
God damn, why is everybody getting fucking assaulted?
The subject of male sexual assault is one that is very, very few pieces of media tied
to it, right?
And those attempts that have been made haven't tackled the issue very well.
Take, for example, the time that Nightwing, the former Robin, was sexually assaulted by
the vigilante Tarantula.
Hell.
After Nightwing's...
I hate Tarantulas.
After Nightwing suffered a nervous breakdown and entered a near catatonic state, Tarantula
forced herself on her.
See, it's always girl on guy.
That's...
And then that's like, people are like, it ain't that bad.
It was a woman.
Should still be though, like if you're not...
But then like, they don't show the actual guy on guy, which is the fucking traumatic
one.
Yes.
I guess they're both traumatic actually.
The details are...
The fuck am I saying?
They're both equally traumatic.
One, one hulking.
One hulking bottom.
No bottom.
The details are left to the imagination thankfully, but in theory, this scene could have been
used to address the issue, but instead, the scene is most likely played for shock value
and has rarely been...
Wait till the episode of Invincible comes out.
He gets assaulted by a woman.
Yeah.
That's in the books too, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's gonna divide a lot of people.
Yeah.
Number six, Rorschach murders a child killer.
That's not that bad.
But it's something that you don't see in a lot of them.
I remember when it happened in the movie.
We were like, God dang.
Well mostly because the fucking killer had fed the little girl's body to the dogs.
So when Rorschach got there, he lost his fucking mind.
Yeah.
Do you remember that Batman book that took on child abuse and everything?
Try not to.
But you remember.
That was way too close to reality for me.
Now see that book, nobody brings up.
I don't blame them.
It's just too real.
Yeah.
Where there's child abuse and stuff and Batman has to figure it out with child services and
stuff and...
That fucking got dark real fast.
That was a thinker for a while.
Yeah.
So Alan Moore's graphic novel isn't short on dark and disturbing moments like the infamous
scene where a so-called superhero, the comedian, sexually assaults the original Silk Spectre.
But even more graphic is the flashback scene in which the vigilante Rorschach recounts
his brutal murder of a child killer, an event which ultimately turned him into a more merciless
vigilante.
That's funny.
That's when he actually became Rorschach.
Yeah.
He was Rorschach in name, but not in...
Like actual...
In persona, I guess.
Yeah.
Because he was like on the edge.
He's like that good cop that has that dark edge that he never lets out.
Yeah.
And he realized that the only way to save the city is to get as dirty as the criminals
that infested him.
Rorschach.
Just Batman with a different look.
Because Batman's an alternate ego or an alter ego.
I smell like shit all the time.
Because he's got matches Malone, he's got Rorschach.
Oh yeah, he had matches Malone.
I forgot about him.
So while investigating the young girl's disappearance, Rorschach discovers that the man had fed her
to his dogs.
Yeah.
Which, yeah.
That's a good scene.
Rorschach then proceeds to kill the dogs.
My friend was actually asleep because he didn't like the superhero movie.
Yeah.
Fuckin' woke up for that scene.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Yeah, so that's a bad one.
Number five, the death of Aqua Baby.
Aqua Baby?
Yeah.
So most of the time the death of infants and young children is off limits, but considered
too shocking into that boo for all but the darkest storylines.
But that didn't stop DC writers from giving Aquaman's infant son, Arthur Jr., the axe
in a story that forever changed the Aquatic Hero.
After being kidnapped by Aquaman's archenemy, Black Manta, poor baby Arthur was killed by
asphyxiation, drowning on dry land where his Atlantean biology left him vulnerable.
That's fucked up.
Yeah.
This tragic event destroyed the marriage of Aquaman and his wife, Mira, and the setting
the hero down a darker path.
Even today, few stories have dared to go this dark again while it comes to children.
He became a hardcore heroin addict.
So the poop in the bed didn't make Aquaman leaver.
We'll find out.
Number four, the assault of Sue Dibney.
This is what we covered last week.
Well, then we can skip that.
I want to do it again.
We'll skip that one.
Listen to the last episode if you haven't heard of that one yet.
Sue Dibney's is pretty bad with the long gay did did did man.
Long gay did did did man.
Number three, Jason Todd's death.
He's all right.
Who hasn't been fucking beat all year near the death of Aqua Bar?
Am I right?
So it's still one of the darkest chapters in Batman's history.
The tragic storyline is made even darker when you learn the story behind it.
After being brutally beaten by the Joker and left to die, the fate of Jason Todd, the second
Robin, who's killed by the people he's sworn to protect, the second Robin was left up to
the readers to decide what happened to him.
That's the darker part of it.
Evil motherfuckers.
Would the boy wonder parish or live to fight another day?
I wish they had kept the information of who actually fucking agreed to the petition.
They just fucking released it on one of the issues.
Fans could vote via telephone hotline and the votes to end Todd's life nearly went out.
That's really my ass.
That's funny because in the article they put this one's on you comic book.
Yeah, that's what I say.
It's all your fault.
You made the red hood.
I don't need to be going off.
Did it go off?
No.
Huh, I guess that's how there's some charge on it.
Yeah.
How the hell does that shit keep falling off?
I don't...
Weird.
Number one, the fridgine.
Sorry, no.
Fridgie?
Mr. Fridgie?
It's a fridging.
No.
Number two, the killing joke.
That's not that bad already.
With the rape?
Well, it was a line, but I don't think Alan Moore actually meant that.
He was like, fuck, fuck me in a bit and I...
It got perceived that way.
Yeah, so he's like, fuck.
Since we all know the killing joke, it's been around for a long time.
That's a famous one.
But number one, the fridging of Alexandra DeWitt.
The fridging?
Yeah.
The one where she was fucking killed and stuffed in a refrigerator?
Yep.
And the fucking Cal Rainer's like, where the fuck's my ice cream?
Yep.
And apparently, it became known as women in fridges whenever the trope would happen
now.
Oh, fuck.
All because of that one...
It was a fucking...
It was like a...
I remember the scene, because I had that DC's collection of...
It was that encyclopedia of superheroes?
Yeah.
And that was one of his pivotal moments.
So I saw that scene in the book.
He just like...
He's like, he's fucking throws back.
He's all confused.
Because women put them hurt in the fucking freezer, just fucking like squishes like a
fucking pretzel.
Yeah.
Legs sticking out, arms sticking out.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
And apparently, it's a trope now.
When you find a woman dead in a fridge just to promote the male protagonist, it's called
fridging.
Like the good old Yamcha crater?
Kind of, yeah.
There's so many Yamcha references now.
I'm just getting fucking wrecked.
That was the first time apparently there was a woman in a refrigerator for a male superhero.
Really?
And they call it reverse fridging when it's backwards.
Where like the female character finds her boyfriend or love interest dead some way.
I would subvert the whole trope and have like the killer in the fridge when he opens it.
He fridged himself.
Oh my god, he fridged himself.
Imagine a Joker would do something like that though.
Fridges himself.
All right, ready to move on to some Reddit?
I am.
These are back to today I fucked ups.
So the first one.
This person messa17, right?
He puts, I accidentally walked in on my dad going down on my mom.
Tee-Tee-Loo-Sheek.
Got you right on that one.
That just happened like 15 minutes ago.
I am now a homosexual.
You did it so badly.
I was playing Fallout 4 for several hours and had no clue where my parents were.
I'm playing Fallout 4 right now.
I better keep my fucking doors locked and stay in my room.
Keep in mind that I also have a hearing deficit and I was not wearing my hearing aids at the
time.
Damn.
On top of that, it is currently very late where I live so I figured my parents were
in bed or something.
2.15 in the morning.
After playing Fallout 4 for several hours, I go into the hallway and see a small amount
of light coming from the gaming house.
Oh, here's some advice for you guys for Fallout 4.
If you just want to fucking play it on normal, right?
But still be OP, go to Vault 88, meet this woman outside named Cricket.
She might not be there but you'll have to wait around like little, there's like beds
or chairs you can sit in to wait for her to show up.
She's a traveling merchant and she has a gun called the spray and pray.
It is a fucking submachine gun.
It looks like a Tommy gun and it shoots, it does about 41 damage but it does an extra
15 points of explosive damage.
I guarantee you, all I do is just walk around and just fucking blow people up.
I'm damn near untouchable with this gun.
I have 3,000 rounds, I have $11,000 which is caps in the game.
I am just fucking living the life.
Like I would literally like, I would be robbing, like I'll be like going through like desks
and stuff for money while villains hit me in the back with their guns doing little damage
because my health is so high and like my damage, I'm wearing something called the Mechanus
suit so it has like 25, 30, like 72% damage or protection from projectiles.
So I'm just like getting hit with like pings of like damage and I fucking turn around and
they're fucking gone.
And I never change the difficulty, I'm just that strong now.
Level 30, I'm fucking killing Deathcrawl like it's nothing.
Pray and pray baby.
It's almost like the loophole with, well I wouldn't say it's a loophole but Elder Scrolls
Skyrim, if you never level up the entire time, you just, you play like as level 1.
Like if you don't go into the menu to choose anything on your, what is it, perks or anything
like that, leave it at level 1.
You can go to your main, like your item menu still but keep it at level 1.
Your stats won't be great the entire time but it's going to be level 1 opponents equal
to you basically since everything levels up around you at the same time aside from giants.
Oh yeah, like Bethesda is also Fallout 4 so yeah they do.
So they just can't handle me though.
So there's certain people though that will get all like the Dawnbreaker, they'll get
all that stuff at a really low level if you can.
I can't remember if Dawnbreaker is one of them but whatever.
Dawnbreaker should be.
I think it's like level 30.
Is it Sunder?
No Dawnbreaker's not.
No Dawnbreaker's I think at level 9, or not 90, level 30.
You have the hammer that's Sunder.
Yes.
No I think it was called Keening.
I think the other one's called Keening, the dagger.
Dawnbreaker is the one at Skyrim.
Yeah from Meridia.
I don't remember.
The one that can go up against like Undead?
Yeah but that's in Skyrim.
Yeah it is, that's what I said.
Oh I was thinking about Morrowind, sorry.
Oh yeah.
I was thinking about that in Skyrim.
Because everything levels at the same pace as you because they keep it the same type
of thing except for giants.
Giants are always I think called Lady.
They have that one attack where like if you're low level that's fucking bouncy off the fucking
ground.
Yeah.
So but if you, it's funny because there's a bunch of people that have done it now, but
if you stay level 1 and you go in to go fight what's his name, the dragon, Alduin.
Yes, Alduin.
But you go to go fight him right?
You start the battle and then you go into your perks menu.
You level up right before you.
Oh yeah.
I think I've actually seen something like that.
He just fucking wrecks Alduin.
Alduin's like wait a minute man, he was high in his power level.
Because what you do is you get up to what you would consider to be like level 70 or
80.
Alduin I think only goes up to like level 70 or somewhere in that vicinity.
And if you upgrade all at once, so you get all your one-handed attacks up, all your two-handed
attacks up, have all these weapons with you.
He's just like no.
You do it all at once and then it's like a couple of hits and Alduin's dead.
Because he's still at level 1.
To match your levels.
That's wild.
Because you can't, like the AI for the system can't figure out how to catch up.
Right.
It's like ah.
His scouter was reading 200.
Like it blows up in his face.
Ah fuck.
I used to love that when it just blew up in your fucking face.
That's a real bad design flaw.
Instead of shutting off, they just blow up in your fucking eye.
Because it basically means you're going to get fucked.
Yeah, like it's so weird.
I get it aesthetically it's fun for the shit, but like realistically you would hope it would
shut off where it blows up and it's from the side of your fucking ear.
It's a pop.
Alright, so back to the guy that walked in on his parents.
Playing good old Fallout 4.
Yes.
He got into the hallway to see a small outline coming from the gaming room.
I thought maybe something left the TV, somebody left the TV on and I went to turn it off.
I opened the door and lo and behold.
My father's head is between my mom's legs.
Where else?
Like six feet away from me.
I just shut the door and ran downstairs and outside.
I'm having a stuff crisis.
I became a little concerned about what would happen next.
My father came outside and I asked, how are you?
He said fine, but next time knock.
He caught him.
I explained that not only had I been unaware of where they were, but it was also late and
I thought maybe they were in bed.
Are you sick son of a bitch?
I also mentioned that I was not wearing my hearing aids and cannot hear anything behind
the door very well.
I also added on top of all that that I saw light coming from the gaming room and thought
maybe someone left the TV on and intended to turn it off.
Please try this.
I also apologized and said that I just made an honest mistake.
My father said everything was fine and I had absolutely nothing to worry about.
He said that on Fridays and Saturdays are the only two days that he has time to spend
with my mom.
So I should be more vigilant about opening doors on those days.
It's like, I think it will stop.
So, you know, just be more vigilant.
Next one, uh, this is by ADHD absurdity.
First and Pits.
Hi, it's me again.
Who is back?
I posted nearly a year ago about my disgusting scalp.
My comments were super helpful and positive.
Others called me gross, a gross human being.
Welcome to the internet.
Anyhow, as it turns out, many of you were correct.
I have psoriasis.
I wasn't washing my hair or scalp wrong like I thought I had.
I thought I had to scrape it basically like many other commenters had.
But I am not an unhygienic person.
Those fucking horse brushes, fucking comb your hair until your fucking hair falls out and
blunts starts fucking ripping up for your scalp.
After posting that, I started to develop dry patches behind one of my ears and around my
eyebrows.
No amount of washing or lotion would make them go away.
So yeah, turns out I wasn't washing myself incorrectly.
I just had psoriasis.
I guess even this update is basically another today I fucked up by thinking I am not washing
myself correctly whenever I just have a skin condition.
I know all about skin conditions.
I got eczema.
Fucking sucks.
Yeah.
And little things get clear.
Itches like a fucking monster.
Alright, next one is by Usualwater288.
My wife is a third grade teacher and has only been for two years.
This school year just ended for her and she has been talking about quitting because of
one specific kid in her class.
I'll refer to him as Cartman.
Because that's literally what he is.
I had obviously not met the kid but my wife would come home at least once a week and complain
about him.
I'll admit, from my side, this kid was hilarious.
You can't tell your wife that though.
No kidding.
My wife said all the kids hated him but he genuinely could knock your lips.
It's fucking Cartman for real.
He only wanted to entertain himself.
He was notorious for tricking kids and even adults into doing things.
For example, he had pulled pranks on every substitute that he had.
Once he even convinced the class that the fire alarm had rang while my wife was in the
restroom even though no one heard it.
After a panic from my wife, they were found almost immediately at the playground with
him on the swings.
Anyway, last week we had an end of the year party that I was allowed to show up to and
help with.
I got to meet this little demon face to face.
And he was funny.
In fact, I couldn't stop laughing at this kid the entire hour.
Geez, I imagine he was almost stalking your child.
I think it was because not only was he a total nuisance, he would just do a little giggle
every time one of the kids got mad at him.
Like Cartman.
He had zero people on his side and he just didn't care.
Weird.
He should probably test him for actual antisocial behavior.
Yeah.
He's got no emotions to being shamed or anything.
Here's where I fucked up.
When handing out the sodas, I just said to him, maybe being nicer would make you more
friends.
He stopped dead in his move and just stared at me.
Fuck.
Then ignored me and continued like as if nothing had happened.
The hour finished up pretty quickly and right as I was leaving, Cartman came up to me and
asked if I was happy about my new car, which I now know my wife had mentioned it a few
times.
I said I loved it and he just said, good.
It scattered off.
I knew something was up, but I couldn't figure out what.
My wife had tasked me with bringing home the leftover pizza boxes.
I placed the pizza in my passenger seat and whenever I got home, noticed a large pool
of grease on my seat.
This little menace had punched several holes in all the boxes.
Why that little motherfucker.
I was panicked at first, but I realized that I would have to get it cleaned anyways.
No one noticed him fucking messing with the pizza?
Yeah.
And that little fucker shook up all leftover soda cans to.
Aren't you a little smart motherfucker?
You like your new car?
Do you like a new enemy?
That is diabolical.
Cause there's nothing that's going to get the kid in like a tremendous amount of trouble,
but it's just enough that it would piss off an adult.
But it's just, it's like that level of like ingenuity to be like, let me shake up all
these sodas.
That wasn't a reason.
That was normal, right?
Like shaking up someone's soda.
That's a basic move to fuck with somebody.
Yes.
But punching holes in soda for the grease to fucking pour out.
Yeah.
That's a diabolical fucking choice.
And if you had cloth seats, not leather seats.
Oh, that would suck.
Cause you can't get that shit.
Cloth being smart enough to punch them all.
So that way any of them can just be at the bottom.
Exactly.
How greasy are those fucking pizzas?
Jesus Christ.
They just ooze in fucking grease, give them fucking kids cardiac arrest.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
It's just greasy.
Probably.
All right.
Next one is by your sister's ass.
Gross.
This person, I know.
Just an automatic rejection of it.
This person puts.
This happened last Saturday night.
I was out for dinner with my husband.
We were in an area that has several tables and a long wooden bench against a wall with
pillows.
Pillows?
To set the scene, this was a hipster fine dining sort of place.
Being a Saturday night, it was pretty busy.
Towards the end of the meal, I felt a bit of an internal turbulence that needed to release.
The restaurant is noisy.
So I figured no one would be the wiser.
I'm fucking let out some farts, huh?
She yes.
That's even worse.
That's the same.
Everyone has the same bodily functions.
Yes, but women are the ones that are embarrassed by it more.
I don't know.
I don't want to fart in public.
Yeah, but if you do be, I know you will.
I'd be fucking devastated.
What do you mean?
On the inside, but not on the outside.
Who the fuck farted?
I'd be the first one to blame someone else.
Pointing first across the room.
You nasty motherfucker.
I eased out a slow rumbler reminiscent of a late evening thunderstorm.
Late evening thunderstorm, pray choice.
Quite satisfying.
Too late, I realized that the man sitting about a foot away from me on the bench as
well must have felt the vibration.
So we got a fucking earthquake.
Now I know he had to have felt it because I'm guilty of doing this in the past.
Years ago, I was sitting on a wooden bench next to my niece at a clamshack and decided
to get my bowels a good airing out.
I thought I was being stealthy until my niece called me out on this misdeed.
You farted?
I suppose sitting next to your aunt and filling in the equivalent of a harlequin fire repeatedly
isn't exactly discreet.
You would think I would have learned my lesson.
I felt eyes slowly turning towards me and knew I was busted.
I could feel my face growing hotter as I attempted to arrange an expression of nonchalance.
Well, I haven't had a conversation with my husband.
Once we left the restaurant I shared with my husband when we went down, we had a hearty
chuckle afterward.
She's like, I didn't hear shit.
I didn't feel nothing either.
Like a tsunami.
Vibration.
The guy's just like, ah!
That was 5.9 Richter.
Like it knocks him off the bench.
Alright, next one is by LisaMJ514.
This person puts, I told my husband that I don't think that I'll ever be happy.
To go back a little bit, my dad died in November last year and it was an extremely difficult
loss for me.
Then when things sort of felt a little more normal, I got pregnant.
So many emotions came up that happiness, sadness that my dad will never get to meet him, I
ended up having a miscarriage about a week ago.
Fuck.
I'm still dealing with the symptoms and whatnot.
I'll admit that I have not been the most pleasant person to be around.
Now on top of this, my husband has an extremely stressful job and some other family issues
that I won't get into.
He's a spy.
I've noticed that he's been more angry and frustrated with work.
I try to just listen whenever he's upset but sometimes it's hard.
Mostly because I don't really understand what he's going through.
He has said multiple times that he feels alone, meaning he has no male figures left in his
life to look up to.
We were sitting and talking after he was done with work and he asked me if I was okay.
I gave my normal answer of saying I'm fine.
He launched into some story about work and how he's not happy with the company.
I was already in a weird mood and felt really down.
Not thinking and not even looking at him, I said, I don't think I'll ever be happy.
There was silence after that and I looked up since I had been zoning out and the look
of hurt on his face was something I haven't ever seen.
He pointedly asked me if I still wanted to be with him.
I said of course.
I tried explaining that it doesn't have to do with our marriage and that I felt like
I like purpose in life.
He knows I have a history of depression as well.
I could tell he didn't know what to say.
I felt awful.
He said that he can't imagine feeling that way and got teary eyed.
In all our years together, I haven't ever got to see him this emotional.
I wish I could explain better the look in his eyes.
I feel like I destroyed a part of him.
Oh damn.
I feel like such a jerk and no matter how many times I apologize, it doesn't seem to
matter.
I feel like he's going to look at me differently at this point.
I'm such an asshole.
You know, you're a little bit of...
Never gonna be happy.
Ever.
Hmm.
It's a depressing story.
So we go from a depressing one to one that's a little funny.
So this person, it's middle huckleberry23.
I'm your huckleberry.
Don't think I fucked up by pretending in a sign language.
You mean like every person that fucking goes on God dang live TV?
To be for a fucking hurricane disaster?
I know.
So let me explain.
I was at a local coffee shop trying to get some work done.
The place was bustling and I walked into a group of people, one of whom was deaf.
I noticed them signing to each other and couldn't help but be intrigued.
I've always found sign language fascinating and know a few basic signs from an online
course I took years ago.
So as I stood in line for a second cup of coffee, the deaf person approached the counter.
The barista seemed a bit flustered, struggling to understand the order.
I thought it'd be a good Samaritan help out.
I tapped the person on the shoulder and confidently sign, Hello, what do you want?
At least I thought that's what I signed.
His face lit up in relief and they began signing rapidly.
Here's the thing.
I only know a few signs.
They might as well have been casting spells.
Why didn't they just, I mean, I don't know.
Panic set in.
I nodded along with a bobble head desperately trying to piece together the few signs I did
recognize.
I managed to catch coffee and large.
So I turned to the barista and said, large coffee, please.
Why didn't they just write it down?
The person looked back at me, clearly confused and signed again.
This time more slowly.
I was in too deep.
I couldn't back out, man.
I tried to think it all.
I tried to respond with a little that I knew, but I was obvious.
I was floundering.
Eventually, the deaf person smiled sympathetically and signed, Thank you, before turning to their
friend for help.
I retreated to my table, my face burning with embarrassment.
Later, I found out that instead of signing, Hello, what do you want?
I sign, Hello, what are you?
No wonder they were confused.
I've had deaf people come to my store.
If I don't know what that is, give them a piece of paper and a pen.
And usually at the end, they'll do the thank you sign.
You think, but no.
No?
No.
I don't know if I'm being rude or not, but I mean, like, it's just, it's easier to just
tell me right down what you want and I'm good to go.
All right.
Next one is by solid us funk.
Solid is funk.
Like solid is snake.
Us us.
Solid us funk.
Yeah.
That'd be like actual from Metal Gear Solid.
This person puts this happened a while ago and my friends suggested I share it here.
On the way to taking my younger daughter to her grandparents, I noticed a blind man who
the support cane standing at the top of the flight of stairs.
Hello?
I asked if he was okay.
It's me.
Lotto Richie.
He's done a lot of that song.
I can see it in your eyes.
I asked if he was okay.
And he said there was a member of staff nearby, but I couldn't see anyone.
He said that he was trying to reach another train line.
I knew it was right down the stairs and offered to help get in there while him holding on
my right arm and my daughter holding on my left, we made our way slowly down the stairs
with lots of people who just exited the train were squeezing past us.
All my concentration was on my daughter who was walking slower than usual bumping into
everyone around us.
That's whenever I frustratingly said, will you look where you're going and hurry up?
Good job.
He said, I'm fine.
He starts crying.
But it was the guy I was helping who replied, sorry, excuse me.
After dying inside, I explained that you're fucking being dragged to heaven and made account
of my sins.
I went back to life to talk to him.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't talk to you.
I was talking to my daughter and he obviously had no idea.
That must be just as bad because I mean, you can yell your daughter like that.
Thankfully, he asked me how old she was and started laughing.
So at least you didn't take it personally.
Won't you pay attention to where the fuck you're going?
If I get smacked in the face with a cane.
Next one is by Tasty Side Bob.
So the side boobs side bob.
It's person puts.
So my girlfriend and I were making out on bed and it was clear that we were going to
have sex.
I excused myself to go to the restroom to wash my hands and brush my teeth.
And my cock.
Because she gets frequent UTIs and I want to minimize risk.
However, I went into the bathroom to discover that there was no soap.
Now I'm not incredibly smart.
Now I am not incredibly smart to begin with, even less so whenever I'm horny.
So I remember that there is hand sanitizer in the kitchen cupboard and my brain does
not make the next logical connection that putting hand sanitizer and someone's hoo-ha
is a bad idea.
So I go back and we start having sex.
As my fingers are in her, she is like, did you cut jalapenos?
It's burning down there.
And still did not make the connection.
It wasn't until about half an hour later whenever I realized my mistake.
She still loves my dumb ass, but was not impressed with it.
Me no smart.
Me horny.
I have trouble articulating feelings in words to communicate with loved ones.
Next one is by Massive Process 5124.
It's person puts.
I'm currently on the toilet while I'm writing this.
I usually have regular bowel movements every morning.
The past few days I've been eating a lot of sweets.
It's my birthday weekend and I haven't been drinking as much water as usual.
Happy birthday.
This morning, whenever I had my bowel movement, my poop was larger and drier than normal.
And whenever I wiped, there was blood.
What if like it was so dry like when he opened, when he looked out, it was just an empty fucking
bottle with no water.
He absorbed it all.
He took it all.
He like fucking splashed it all.
He was drinking water.
Solidest.
How hot that would be fucking wild.
I've never seen an empty bottle.
I'm like, I'm gonna go get some water.
I've never seen an empty bottle.
I'd be like, God damn it.
I decided to pop three stool softeners to help make sure I didn't bleed next time I
poop.
Eesh.
I've been taking these before, but I usually take them at night so I can poop normally
in the morning.
After I took these, I went out with my brother to the store.
I blew the back of my ass out.
After I took these, I went out with my brother.
As soon as we got there, I felt my tummy start rumbling and I basically had to run around
and start rumbling.
That's a weird.
Yeah.
I had the worst diarrhea in that stall.
There was no person beside you that had even the worst diarrhea.
The kind that has you sweating and shaking.
Jesus.
Apologies to the poor old woman who was also in the bathroom with me.
Oh, it's a woman.
Yeah.
That's why it seemed like a woman expression to say my tummy was rumbling.
Yeah.
It would be something like, my tummy was rumbling.
I thought it might find like an MMA fighter.
That'd be funny though.
I thought that would be the only time, but boy was I wrong.
We went to the gym after the store and I was fine the first 10 minutes.
Then the poop gods called me again and had me go to the bathroom mid exercise.
Again, it was the worst shit that I've ever had.
I felt like I was dying.
My butthole feels so raw.
In my butthole, in my butthole.
Oh, there's a song I have to show you later.
It reminds me, which is sad, but yes.
Next one is by Voltage Wolf.
Voltage Wolf.
I'm trying to be dumb.
Sorry.
I'm so fucking cool.
I'm voltage.
Voltage Wolf.
Shut up bitch.
You ain't no goddamn superhero.
First and fifths.
The past few days I have been experiencing a nasty cold.
I've been taking Dayquil during the day and Nightquil at night.
I ran out of Dayquil and decided to take Nightquil and drink my morning Red Bull.
I thought this would be okay.
Wait, did it start over?
I heard something that was the worst idea he could possibly have.
Restart from the beginning?
Yeah.
All right.
The past few days I have been experiencing a nasty cold.
I've been taking Dayquil in the day and Nightquil at night.
I ran out of Dayquil and decided to just take the Nightquil and drink my morning Red Bull
instead.
All right.
That's what I heard.
So now, off the bat, we know he's fucked up beyond recognition.
You don't take Nightwil in the daytime that's designed to fucking make you drowsy.
Yes, but the Red Bull's supposed to perk you up.
So he must have been in a state of fucking limbo between fucking tired and awake.
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep.
I thought this would be okay and it would cancel out the drowsiness effect of the Nightquil.
I bet you were fucking wrong.
It did not.
Bet you were fucking exhausted, but you couldn't close your eyes.
What I did instead was make myself feel like I was slightly drunk.
I couldn't stand up without leaning over and I could barely form a sentence.
I had to cancel my plans today because I did not feel comfortable driving in this state.
My grandmother thought I was high and I had to strongly convince her that I was not.
Get out of my fucking house, you pothead.
She didn't believe me, but she still gave me the benefit of the doubt, which I'm grateful
for.
I was in a fully conscious state, so it's not like I was being crazy or things like
that.
However, I felt that I had a very little control over my body and generally felt wacky.
I looked it up and apparently doing this often can damage your liver.
So now I'm scared.
It's mostly worn off now, but I feel weird and now my friends are mad at me.
Mad at you?
Fuck those people.
Because you had to cancel all his plans?
Fuck those plans.
All right, last two here.
This person is hyena trick 3956, this person puts.
I gained some weight over the last year and I'm trying to get back into shape.
I hear you.
I hear you, brother.
I hear you.
It's been pretty good so far.
The number on the scale hasn't been moving much, but I swear my clothes are getting a
smidge looser.
So maybe I'm exchanging small amounts of fat or small amounts of muscle before small amounts
of muscle because muscle obviously is denser than fat.
So sure, I've been physically feeling better since starting to work out and need better
at least, which is something anyways, moving on to how I fucked up today.
I went on a run.
It's a weekend morning and I woke up early so I wanted to try out a 5k, about 3.11 miles
since I had the day off and that's more time.
I used the bathroom before I left my house, figured that I was sufficient and I'd be fine
in that regard.
At mile one, I was feeling good, slow pace, but I was not going for speed here, just working
on endurance.
Around mile two, I started to feel discomfort and I needed to go number two.
What is this about jogging that always makes me want to take a shit?
I still have over a mile left.
I give myself a pep talk.
I got this.
I can contain everything until I get home.
The discomfort and pressure got worse.
By the time I was within direct eyesight of my home, I was outright sprinting and my rectum
clenched as tight as physically possible and I felt it begin to happen.
I cursed the choice of pants I had selected on this morning, being gray instead of the
black that I usually favor.
I bound up the three steps to my frontage porch hoping the elderly woman who was across
the street sweeping her stoop wouldn't notice that I had a big brown spot on my backside.
He didn't make it?
He should have so.
I made it inside the bathroom where I finished the evacuation on Bob Ells and more comfort
that I had on the road.
Relieved to be home on the bright side, my run time this morning was a personal record.
The last mile was like, oh, fuck.
What if you had just started walking?
I would think so.
Had not had so much pressure?
I would think so.
It had to do with the running and the gravity and the bow's moving.
It could have just pushed down on your shit.
If you just started walking, maybe you wouldn't feel so bad.
Remember, it was just that bad.
Don't get me wrong.
I've had those days where it's like, oh.
For me personally, when you're out in public, there's something in you that can just, it
will force you to hold it in.
Now, once your ass hits that toilet, there'll be a goddamn seatbelt there for you so you
don't fucking fly off.
There's no stopping it once it starts.
I don't know.
I could not love myself.
I have too much dignity to allow myself to shit myself.
No, no, no.
All right.
And last of the reddits today, we have this one is by dayofdingus.
Dayofdingus, person votes.
I was doing some yard work today and I noticed that I had some poison ivy on my hands, legs,
so I took a shower whenever I went outside.
I scrubbed my arms and legs to remove the oils.
I even used a little pack of poison ivy removing stuff I had lying around.
After I thought I had scrubbed it all away, I decided to have a classy shower wank.
Fuck, I'm gonna ruin my genitals.
Selection come attached for a tablet for viewing a pretty good investment if you're one who
enjoys soapy nuts.
Anyways, it's a few hours later and I decided to rub the poison ivy oils deep into my dick
skin as it feels like it's on fire.
Damn.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
I'll probably apply some cream.
I don't think I'm getting laid anytime soon, so I don't have to worry about explaining
why my dick's covered in pus bubbles and itchy.
Ouch.
Closet ivy's no joke.
You don't want it anywhere near your junk.
Ever.
That's like a...
You know those guys that wipe their ass with the fucking leaves and it turns out to be
poison ivy.
Oh.
Puckers their asshole up.
Look, I've seen a video recently where there's a dude messing with poison ivy, but apparently
whenever it's winter time, you don't really have to worry about it because the bark or
whatever it is on the actual poison ivy is not enough to actually cause poison ivy to
happen to you.
Well, this div shit was so dumb.
He's like, see, I can rub my arm all over and it doesn't do anything and it didn't.
Right?
He decided to, you know, let's scrape some of the bark away to where it's fresh stuff
on the inside.
Did it again and had all this poison ivy all over and it's like, dude, are you that stupid?
It's a fog.
I fucked up.
Pretty much.
He fucked up pretty badly on that one.
Walked into the woods and never came back.
Did an apple at you.
An apple at you.
Ah, fuck.
My back is killing me.
My back, my crack.
Everything that last week had.
Alrighty.
And we will finish up with a couple of picker poisons.
It all went so well last week.
I thought we did them all.
No.
You got more?
Same.
I didn't do all the cards.
Okay, cool.
I saved some.
I ain't gonna sit here for three hours going through all...
God dang, how many are there?
Quite a few.
I'm not going through that many, so don't worry.
Alrighty, ready?
Yes.
Alrighty, we're gonna go with pick your poison.
So drink a pint of someone else's vomit or instinctively know when everyone you know
is going to die, but be unable to do anything about it.
Kiss number two is five.
I can't do vomit either.
It's just like a fucking immortal.
Alrighty, next one.
Get every partner from now on cheat on you or post a family photo on Facebook where everyone
is naked.
Easy.
I'll be a swinger on the first one.
Done and done.
You can't beat me.
You don't want to nude his family portrait?
No thanks.
I think that'd be a nightmare for you.
Alrighty, have someone snip your Achilles tendons with garden shears.
Ouch.
Or chop off your pinky toe with a dull axe.
Well the Achilles heel would heal eventually.
It would just fucking hurt.
The Achilles tendon?
I'll heal forever.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
That's the one that if you like it pops and you hear it pop like breaking, it's apparently
extremely horrible pain.
But my pinky.
You can do without your pinky toe.
No, I need my pinkies.
Your pinky toe?
Take my Achilles.
Wait, you just don't walk?
I'll heal.
I'm Wolverine.
Alrighty.
Hey, bub.
Alrighty, cut off one of your ears with a pair of children's safety scissors.
No thanks.
Or have everyone be convinced that you've had sex with a family member even though you
haven't.
Fuck.
Take the ear then.
Then go in.
It's like no.
Vincent Van Coo.
See, that's why you should never say no to the first option.
Because the second one may be really bad.
But I didn't though.
No you didn't.
But do you want everybody to think it?
But I didn't though.
So I can go with the first one.
The second one I'd be fine.
I'm morally justified.
But they're convinced.
But I didn't though.
Put me on the lie detector.
I didn't though.
You go with the second one.
Yeah.
But I didn't though.
That'll be the most fancy thing.
But I didn't though.
You may think it but I didn't though.
Alrighty.
Only be attracted to people who think you're ugly.
Or be required to sneeze the ass.
Be required to squeeze the ass of every person you hug.
You don't mind a handful of ass?
Male or female?
I think two.
I'll squeeze it if I have to.
You don't want to be attracted to people who only think you're ugly?
Attracted to people that only think I'm ugly?
So that I never get hooked up with them because they think I'm fucking like trailer trash.
Like a dumpster fire.
So you're going with the second option.
The booty grab?
Yeah.
Shit why not.
I don't do hugs as dead as it is.
I just won't give hugs.
I'll be like Fizzbump.
Alright ready?
They don't understand loopholes.
Alright.
Have a condom fall out of your pocket immediately after anyone compliments you.
That never happens so nevermind.
I never get complimented.
Shit I'll be iron clad in my pocket.
I have to hit a friend's leg without painkillers.
And be at a friend's leg?
Yeah.
That's not that bad.
It ain't my fucking problem.
Exactly.
So get ready.
Todd I got you.
I can do both.
Oh.
Ready?
Yeah.
Eat a puppy.
Fuck.
Or remove one of your eyeballs with a spoon.
How?
Well.
It's like well I went Chinese today.
Fuck.
I don't like my own body being emulated.
Man I gotta eat a dog?
A puppy too.
Not even a dog.
Fuck man.
Not an old dog that's getting ready to die but a puppy that was just born.
Probably tastes like chicken.
I don't know why they have to put pitbulls on this because it could be any other dog.
Get mauled by a pack of stray pitbulls.
Fuck cause they're the most vicious to people's minds.
Or get mauled by a pack of old grannies.
Blow a horse completion.
Get mauled by a pack of p...
I guess I gotta fight some pitbulls then.
At least the pitbulls are gonna die.
I'm Wolverine.
Alright next one.
Only be able to orgasm whenever you're alone.
Or train daily with the judge until you can put your whole fist in their anus.
With a judge?
What?
With the judge.
What the fuck is the judge?
What the fuck is that?
The judge is gonna be over that sexual assault case.
Number one it is.
Alright ready?
Be forced to remove your pants before sitting down.
Excuse me one second before I sit down.
I'm trying to get on the bus.
Hold on one second.
This could go either way for you though.
Only sleep with people twice your age.
I don't think I did the second one.
What's the matter?
That's what I'm saying.
Done and done.
I can do both.
It's fine.
I'll take my pants off while I come with a person twice my age.
This is a weird one.
Poop a hundred gallons of Heinz ketchup.
That looks gross in the toilet.
Or die in 2035.
2035?
That's not that long.
They didn't say I'd say that.
They gave me resuscitated.
Number two.
Eat all the hair from a stranger's shower drain trap.
Oh thanks.
I don't know how you might like this other one then.
Time to sue a wrestler's ass.
Never said it was a male.
That's true.
I mean loopholes.
Loopholes it is.
Alright.
Give pedicures to an entire nursing home.
Or get three tattoos of your mother's face surrounding your genitals.
Number one it is.
Get ready to see them old lady feet.
I already have.
You say that but with contemplation.
Being hungover for the rest of your life.
Or Google publishes your search history.
Number two I don't give a fuck.
I already knew the answer to that one though.
That's an easy one for you.
Make a look up Hannah Hilton.
The poor star.
Randomly find a dead body in your closet.
Or lose a week of your life every time you have sex.
First of all there's already been a dead body in my closet.
So number one.
What dead body you got in there.
How about we don't talk about that and the law doesn't get involved.
Alright participate in a nursing home orgy.
Done.
Been there done that.
Swallow a used condom you found on the sidewalk.
Number one what.
You would meet yourself in a pair of granny panties as a souvenir.
Depends.
Depends panties.
Depends.
I don't know which one of these you take.
Have sex with a dead person.
Or take five shots of tequila every morning at breakfast.
Damn I'm always gonna be fucking shot ruggling with the second one.
You'll be fucked up every morning.
I might build a tolerance.
I already know the answer to this one too.
Like some of these are just too easy because you are a freaks.
You're a goon so it's not a hard day.
I'm the goon.
Lose your sex organs.
Or become a prostitute for a year.
And now blow jobs.
God I'm McDonald's.
Alright have triplets with someone you only met once.
No problem.
Or pretend you're a cat and give someone in the room a tongue bath.
Number one.
I can raise three kids.
I got it.
I already see what this one's gonna go to.
Die alone.
Or wear a ball gag for the next 72 hours.
Shit I can't do that.
You did that for five years.
For 75 hours.
You beat that record already by three hours.
Stare and salivate uncontrollably every time you smell a fart.
Doesn't happen that often.
Other than the bathroom.
Have a corkscrew twisted into your belly button.
That won't hurt that bad.
Number two probably.
I think I'll pull it out.
You don't want to stare and salivate every time you smell a fart.
Stare and salivate?
Stare and salivate like staring at the fucking aroma of it.
Stare and salivate uncontrollably every time you smell a fart.
Oh yeah.
Oh god.
Eat a Twinkie filled with Manspunk.
Or have a fat bald man appear out of nowhere and hit you every time you sneeze.
I might get used to number two.
Like actually, if I can start swabbing and weaving.
Alright, have a stranger wipe your butt every time you poop.
That makes my job easier actually.
What the fuck.
Have your significant other leave you for your best friend.
I don't have any friends.
I'm a loner.
What if my wife has my best friend?
She'll leave you for herself?
She's got to work on her.
Only be able to eat things you find in a public trash can.
I might find some good fucking delicious food.
Or drink a cup of your father's junk.
What the fuck.
It dumpster diving it is.
Exactly.
Well, I can only eat things out of here and that's the way it's going to be.
Use bananas.
Find a banana fucking rolled up into a condom.
I got that.
Alright have everyone in the room discover your darkest secret or vomit every time you
orgasm.
My darkest secret?
Everybody knows your secret.
You might not want to hide.
Vomit when I orgasm.
You know Will Smith had that problem?
Did he really?
He was apparently having so much sex during the shooting of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
He was so popular, he was young, he was handsome and tall and all that that he started having
like a gag reflex from like orgasming.
I thought it was whenever J.Va's hair came out.
I guess his body just couldn't take it anymore.
I just figured it would be whenever J.Va's hair fell out.
Maybe, I don't know.
How it feels about a bald woman.
Alright have sex with the first person you see after leaving the room or.
I have to keep my eyes closed.
Be forced to announce whenever you have to poop with everyone you will.
I can always do it.
Dude no problem.
I got shit on me right there.
Exactly.
It's not that bad.
No.
Fly in a field of puppies with a steamroller or develop a massive cold sore in your mouth
every Monday.
Only Mondays?
Yeah.
I can deal with that.
You don't want to roll over a field of puppies?
I had to eat one.
I don't want to fucking kill the rest of them.
You took one out of a creep and you ran over the rest.
Fuck.
I already know.
I know the answer to this.
It's hard whenever I know the freak that you are.
And you'll do these things.
Have a naked picture of you published on the front page of the New York Times.
Fuck you.
No problem.
Or get a tattoo of your most recent ex's face and initials.
I can do both.
While I'm taking a picture of it.
Alright.
Or being on a family member getting off to a family photo album.
Like an Adam Sandler scene.
Or cut off your nipples with a butter knife.
I guess number one it is.
Where it's like what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck are you doing you fucking freak?
At least it isn't you.
At least it isn't me.
But it wasn't though.
But I didn't though.
Accidentally grab crazy glue instead of lube.
Oh fuck.
Or kill ten people and get away with it.
I've done that in the second one already.
Be unable to have sex without getting pregnant.
I'm a man so it's a lube pull right there.
Exactly.
Or pull your fingernails out one by one.
Number one it is.
It'd be like fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie where he was pregnant.
What was the name of that movie?
Get to the nursery home.
Instead of the chopper.
Tell everyone you're a registered sex offender.
Or have your partner write a review on their public blog every time you have sex.
Number two I don't give a fuck.
I know the answer to these.
You don't care if I...
Yep.
Can you give me my dick size, my ball length?
I don't give a fuck.
Throw a temper tantrum the first time you meet your in-laws.
That'd be a great first impression.
Or find out that your parents pay for all your friends to like you.
I can do number two no problem.
It's like I got friends to leave.
They gotta be here now.
They got no choice.
Get caught with the terrorist training websites and your browsing history.
Or let a smelly fart every time you orgasm.
Damn.
Guess I'm getting put on that watch list.
You don't want to let one out?
Nah it'll ruin the mood.
It's already done though for you son.
But we're good.
Proceed your real name with the real every time you say it.
Oh fuck.
I'm either a fucking douchebag.
The real No Way.
Or have a Korean sex dream about your mother every night.
I don't know what it is.
I'm gonna be like fucking George Costanza.
Weird as fuck.
The George?
The No Way.
Sorry, the real No Way.
The real one.
Alright.
Be known as that person who had sex with a cow despite never having had sex with a cow.
But I didn't though.
Or swim in a pool of warm urine.
But I didn't though.
Go with the first one.
But I didn't though.
You show me a fucking camera and then I'll believe you.
This is when you were fucked up.
But I didn't though.
Eat cigars.
Eat cigarette butts out of a public ashtray.
Jesus.
Or pee through a catheter for the rest of your life.
Number one it is.
Let me have a taste here.
Start a one year sentence in solitary confinement tomorrow.
That sounds like a nice time.
Get walked in on every time you go to the bathroom.
I mean either one for you to smile on.
I mean mad as fuck actually.
Can't you see I'm fucking brushing my teeth?
Get the fuck out.
Can't you see I'm shit.
Alright I have ten nipples in random places on your body.
No.
Or die while being burned at the stake after living a full life.
Fuck.
It's quick though.
Hopefully I have that fucking X-58 for us to leave the smoke.
Maybe.
So you're going with the stake one?
Yeah I'll be a hundred and nine.
Alright.
A shower for two minutes with boiling hot water.
That might feel decent.
Or watch parents have sex.
How hot is it?
Number one it is.
We're going with number one then.
Alright and that is all the picture poison for today.
I think that's enough.
Yeah.
We got things for no way to contemplate for today.
Maybe or if I just forget about tomorrow.
Exactly.
You're going to be thinking about that Cal that everybody's going to assume.
But I didn't though.
Alright.
Anything else to add before we head out tonight?
That's it for now but don't you guys worry next week we're going to have a full good
episode.
I'll have my own stuff that I have because I've been lacking lately these last two weeks
with personal issues but we'll pick it up.
Alright.
With that we will see you guys on the next one.