Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite and unknown
movies, games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
Let's go ahead and get started.
All righty.
So for our breakdown today, we have Identity Crisis.
DC Comics.
It was from June to December in 2004.
It ran for seven issues.
Okay.
The main characters...
Sure redefined everything too.
A little bit, yeah.
It kind of gave you the darker side.
For such few issues, like about half a year, completely just like changing the trajectory
of the entire DC canon.
Until Reaper.
Yeah.
And then like unrebirthed.
So stupid.
God, it was so stupid.
Why they call it like DC abortion instead of Reaper.
Got it the monotone in the first couple seconds.
What did I do?
Now we're going to have an abortion like a fact thing at the bottom of the video.
Oh, God dang.
I can't use the word abortion?
No.
Well, bam.
This is America.
Not unless you want to...
This is my area.
Not unless you want to have a bunch of people in the comments section arguing back and forth.
That's the one thing that we do try to avoid on this channel is we don't really try to
talk about politics.
Right.
Exactly.
So politics don't matter really when you're talking about...
I only follow that the politics of the one true king of Westros, status Baratheon.
All right.
So the main characters in the series are going to be the Justice League, Green Arrow, Batman,
Elongated Man, Dr. Light, and Gene Laurie.
Elongated Man?
Yes.
Instead of Plastic Man.
Why the fuck would he have a...
Yeah, like that's such a fucking like a random choice.
Like could we get Plastic Man because it's so, you know, unique and simple and quick
to say.
Yeah.
Actually Elongated Man.
He's basically the knockoff version of Mr. Fantastic.
Elongated.
Like it just like it doesn't roll off the tongue.
It's Elongated Man.
You know what I mean?
Like when a villain sees him, well, if it isn't my arse now it's Elongated Man.
They just shorten it down to E-Man.
Yeah, because they realize Elongated Man is a mouthful.
Or you get the illiterate people that can't pronounce nothing.
I don't know.
Like for superheroes it has to be a quick, simple like, oh my god, it's Batman.
It's Superman.
Flash.
Green Lantern.
The Flash Wonder Woman.
Elongated Man.
Even the Spectre and he's not even a main character.
Spectre, like it's quick.
You got to be quick with your, you know, with your hero name.
It's like that fucking movie, that cowboy movie with Brad Pitt.
The Assassination of Jesse J. by the Coward.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
It's like 50 words long.
Oh my god.
Yeah, it's a long, look up the Brad Pitt Western title.
It's a long ass title.
It's like that's a little bit too long of a title for me.
I'll look it up while you keep going.
All right, so the creative team on this was created by Brad Meltzer, Rags Morales, and
Michael Bear.
Written by Brad Meltzer.
The artists were Michael Turner for the cover.
That means 60 years old, Brad Pitt.
I know.
Jeez.
The penciler was Rags Morales.
The inker was Michael Bear.
The letterer was Ken Lopez.
The colorist was Alex Sinclair.
And the editor was Mike Carlin.
All righty, so Identity Crisis is a seven issue comic book limited series published by DC
Comics from June to December in 2004.
One of DC's top selling series, the first issue was released in June 2004 and was ranked
first in comic book sales for that period with pre-order sales of $163,000.
Nice.
Which is quite a bit.
So here's the title.
The Assassination of Jason James by the Coward Robert Ford.
Oh my god, that's too long.
That's the full title.
That's just too long.
Can I get a ticket for The Assassination of Jason James by the Coward Robert Ford?
Thank you.
My god, they always say make movie titles short too.
Short and simple.
Like even one of the longer ones.
Oh, that's your Indiana Jones.
That's the Indiana Jones aunt.
But it's Indiana Jones.
So when you go to the theater you say Indiana.
I need the Indiana Jones film.
I need the Indiana movie.
I need my fix.
But you can at least say that rather than the entire series.
My name is the Avengers 15.
The Unavenged.
But again, even though it says Avengers you can go up there when the new movie comes out.
Hey, I want a ticket to Avengers.
You ever see that?
Super simple.
There's a new trailer for Deadpool where it's got that huge base that's made out of the
body of Ant-Man and Ant-Man being portrayed by Paul Rudd in the movies.
And it opens up and then of course Deadpool is like well it looks like Paul Rudd finally
aged because it's like just a skull inside the suit as it opens up.
So just Ant-Man being meta.
Or not Ant-Man but Deadpool being meta.
It's like yeah he's finally aged you know.
He's a skeleton.
Because I think they changed the, they're changing the format of the multiverse.
Like they're saying that, I don't know if Deadpool is setting the precedent or not,
but they're saying that every universe in existence in the Marvel series, each universe
has its own specific superhero.
It's not like, none of them are like, they're not all like the MCU which was like all a
bunch of heroes consistently.
Which is probably how they're going to say that that's the main universe because there's
so many of them.
But like apparently everyone's going to have their own like specific, like one is just
going to be the X-Men or one is just Deadpool.
Because Deadpool, well he's part of the X-Men too.
They're doing it so that they can cover their own ass in the future whenever film's bomb
and they'll say no no no no no no no no no that was a standalone.
That had nothing to do with this universe at all.
I would do that too if it was I had to watch Morbius again.
Oh god don't bring that shit up.
I fell asleep the first time I fell asleep in a movie theater.
That movie sucked.
And they also tried to make him like an anti-hero.
Like why?
He didn't really fit much as an anti-hero.
He didn't much fit as a superhero either.
That's what I'm saying.
But he wasn't a villain though.
Oh by the way, the diddler did do it.
I've seen the scariest sight in the world and that was him running down a hall.
Fucking almost butt ass naked.
Imagine if you see that shit running towards you.
It's the diddler.
It's funny because the name is sticking now.
The diddler.
Well.
Everybody's calling him the diddler.
Now if I die in a car explosion it was the diddler.
If you've seen him running towards you and then all he has to do is start throwing his
hands up and doing that dance that he used to do.
Oh lord.
Oh god.
A towering survivor.
That was a fucked up video.
How come it took him that long to show it?
Should have showed that all those years ago.
You would think.
I guess whenever it's like the most profitable to show a video I guess.
Yeah.
That is a big thing.
Like someone just has it in a vault.
The diddler did it.
That was pretty bad.
He just comes out of the fucking room like ahhh.
And he had time to put socks on at least.
I noticed that part.
Funny shit.
Now you didn't put any socks on but you were in a towel with your socks on.
He was right in there trying to get freaky.
I guess.
Oh shit.
He had all those other wrappers back in the back.
Of course.
Geez.
There's somebody that Justin Bieber in there singing baby.
Baby baby baby.
Fuckin' had tears falling down his eyes.
That's so fucked up.
Yeah it is.
That was still funny though.
That was a crazy news week.
So many things came out.
That's still funny though.
Oh you guys have to excuse me I'm fucked up right now.
Go ahead.
Alright so the story also adheres to the continuity changes introduced by Crisis on Infinite Earths
and Zero Hour, Crisis in Time.
This is when they still had continuity in DC Comics before everything got fucked up
with the New 52.
I imagine like it would be so funny if there was one guy in the bowels of the DC headquarters
right and he's like the continuity caretaker.
He's just sitting there.
He's got like a whole wall of stuff connected.
It's all webbed.
Just strings everywhere and he's just chain smoking.
He's like 22 but he's also 73 years old.
So in 1973 Batman finally met the new Robin Tim Tret.
The door creaks open and like you know Dan Dido comes in.
So I need to talk to you about continuity.
Well thank God he's not there no more.
What do you know about continuity?
I'm so glad that he's not there no more Dan Didio.
Dan Didio?
Did you?
I think that's how you pronounce it a lot.
He probably did it too.
He probably did.
He was part of the Diddler.
The Diddy trio.
And now it's uh what's his name?
Samuel L Jackson.
He runs DC Comics.
If it works for Marvel it would be funny.
I would love like random like facts like that.
That would be like no one knew right?
You know fucking Samuel L Jackson writes the new Nick Fury comics?
That would be weird.
You know what I mean?
Like just random facts that no one knew.
That would be hilarious though too.
Like that golf guy getting arrested the other day.
And then they still he's like you got to go play golf.
And I'm like well damn bro.
It was a random you know random shit like that.
It was like okay you drug a cop on your car.
He dragged him?
Yeah he drug him.
Yeah he still got to go play golf.
It's like well if I had done that I would have fucking lit my car up.
They would have lit my car up.
They would have lit 150 bullets and then they would find 17 grams of cocaine in my fucking
lips or something.
They would just sprinkle that shit on my fucking chest.
And three acorns.
Talking three acorns.
They're going down man.
I should make an acorn gun.
Just to be an asshole.
Like when the police arrest me right they find a slingshot of some acorns.
Yeah I did it.
So she can pierce through body armor apparently.
I don't know.
You think he quit?
I think he went out on fire didn't he?
I hope so.
Yeah I think he can whip the fuck out of his own car.
And still miss?
I'm glad if it was me like I'm glad you're a shit shot.
That's what everybody said though.
It's like damn dude that many shots and you still missed every one of them?
Oh bro.
Jesus what a wild night.
Yeah but it would be funny like random tidbits of famous people like we didn't even know.
Yeah.
Just random shit you've never even heard of.
You fucking hilarious.
Alright so like fucking Brad Pitt has a fucking show on public access or some shit.
You know what I mean?
Just a random fucking thing.
You just sit to the chair and talk to other celebrities.
I guarantee you there's facts out there like that though.
Just random shit that you've never even heard of.
The celebrities do.
Just for fun I guess.
I mean I guess they're real people too.
They gotta be complex and multifaceted.
I mean you don't really hear about Scientology from Tom Cruise no more.
Because he knows not to talk about Scientology.
Now?
The first rule of Scientology is you don't talk about Scientology.
No like Leah Remi when she came out.
Oh yeah.
Man I used to have such a crush on her when the King of Queens.
I was like oh!
Yell at me all you want.
Cause that was actually an emotion.
That was a verbally abusive relationship by the way.
Yeah it really was.
And nobody realized it.
The same thing with Raymond.
It was.
Deborah where she was always yelling.
The one episode that turned me off of Everyone Loves Raymond was that her life was great.
He didn't even beat the shit out of her.
He paid his bills.
He didn't cheat on her.
He took care of the kids.
It was a nice cozy family life right?
And then one day he comes out to the house and he looks through the window and he sees
her crying on the couch.
And she's like sometimes I feel like crying on the couch.
I'm like bitch for fucking what?
Yeah that's true.
That turned me off of the entire show.
Like she always complained about his mom and stuff like that.
I gave him a fucking open the door and cried.
I'll give you something to cry about.
I fucking pulled his belt out.
But that shit made me so fucking mad.
Cause why are you crying?
Exactly.
Like your life is fine.
She's got a nice house.
Big house.
In New York.
But some days I just feel like crying why are you still...
I was so mad.
Cause at the end they lived on Long Island.
Did they?
Yeah.
Like they lived in a nice house.
Expensive ass houses in Long Island.
I know.
Raymond was a sports broadcaster or journalist.
Okay.
Yeah cause they would cross over a little bit with King of Queens.
Yeah.
Like set in the same universe.
Yeah.
Like he had his mom living across the street which apparently annoyed her cause they were
kind of like wacky.
Right.
Whatever.
And whenever they would like anytime she needed a break the motherfuckers would be like go
to your grandparents house.
Or if she ever needed food made or dinner made they would have...
Marie would have made it.
But no.
I felt like I had to cry on the couch for whatever.
I was so angry.
That was the dumbest fucking plot line.
You were even safe because the brother was a damn cop.
Yeah.
Like a six foot nine.
What up?
Hey Raymond.
Hey Ray.
Fucking voice.
If his voice was one decibel deeper you shit your pants.
Pull the car over.
Oh fuck I shit myself I'm sorry.
And then he always cried.
You know what it was?
It was like if he was blackbolt that's how deep his voice was.
Yeah.
Opened his fucking mouth and fucking disintegrated everybody.
Hey Ray.
Sound like what a fucking Golden Retriever would sound like.
I don't know why.
Great Dane is what I thought.
Cause he's almost like lovable like a Golden Retriever most of the Great Danes.
I don't know much about their personality.
Depressed.
Hey Raymond.
I tried to hang myself but I got no thumbs.
A great name would be like Marmaduke.
Oh yeah but he wasn't that depressed.
No but.
That dog loved fucking stuff up.
So did.
So did Robert.
Remember he hooked up with some woman once and his fucking pants were so high like it
reached up to her fucking bra like her breast size and shit.
Remember like her pants like his pants cause the parents had caught him at the house.
So she was coming up with his fucking pants and that fucking shit the fucking belt buckle
reached all the way to her titties.
I'm like God dang Robert how fucking tall are you.
And then she had the weird brother.
She did?
Yeah she did.
His girlfriend.
That became his wife.
Oh.
She had the weird dude as her brother.
Care my brother.
I didn't know she had a brother.
Yeah cause remember her family was super Christian.
No.
You never made it that far.
And once I saw her fucking crying for no reason I was like you know what I'm done with this
bullshit.
Yeah if you watch the later episodes though.
Yeah they're funny.
I liked her in the show The Middle.
I fucking love that show.
That's her mom.
Yeah.
It was a perfect dynamic that time.
Patricia I think is her name.
Yeah I think so.
Patricia Heating I'm pretty sure.
I loved The Middle.
I loved Malcolm in The Middle.
I couldn't stand Everyone Loves Raymond.
Go figure.
Maybe I just like this fun she little ish family.
Yeah.
I guess like because the functional fans are more real.
Yes.
And no family is perfect.
Well I like.
They're also like they're not also like the show Shameless.
They're not all fucking that bad.
No.
Well a lot of people even came and pointed out that in Malcolm in The Middle their dad
was actually a good dad overall.
Which is fucking insane.
Yes.
But he was a good dad to them.
Like he tried to show them the right things to do.
He did anything that they wanted for him you know.
I think my favorite part was when Lois was pregnant again.
And he's like honey it's gonna be fine.
We got this.
Like he's trying to be as encouraging as he can.
Then he goes to his car.
He gets in.
The minute the fucking door locks right because it's almost like those cars are almost soundproof.
Yes.
Like not 100 percent so don't be fucking in the car.
But they're almost soundproof.
And he fucking just starts fucking bawling.
He starts fucking shanking the fucking steering wheel.
He's so mad that he's having another kid because he can't handle it.
You ever see that scene?
Like he just fucking collapses in the chair or like in the seat in the driver's seat.
He's just like I can't fucking do this.
And of course Malcolm's sleeping in the back.
Yes.
Because he couldn't find it because there was so many people over that he couldn't find
a place to sleep at night.
And then he didn't even know that he was back there.
Exactly.
That was the funniest part.
Because you got Malcolm with wide eyes where he's like oh shit.
I watched Hal fucking bawl his eyes out.
I watched that shit like on repeat on YouTube for like a month straight.
Every time I was feeling down or bored I would just watch him fucking disintegrate emotionally.
Because that makes you feel like my life could be that.
He could be there like on the fucking dead end job about to have another fucking kid.
He can't handle the kids he has now.
One's a fucking master chef.
One's a fucking master genius.
One's a fucking master musician.
All three of his kids were something.
Well the oldest one was not.
He was like the most plain one.
Francis was...
I think didn't it end with him being in Alaska?
No that was like halfway through the series.
Is that halfway through?
Yeah because he left military school.
I know that.
Then he hooked up with that super gorgeous wife of his.
And what happened after that?
After that the very last episode was them.
It was Malcolm graduating.
And he was being offered this high paying job.
Like multi like million dollar like signing bonus.
And his parents, his whole family somehow made him look so unappealing that they turned
down the offer.
And he's like why would you do that to me?
And like apparently they need him to suffer so that when he becomes president that he'll
understand the common working man.
Now that was how the series ended.
And he's like being president is hard and I'm like you'll be alright.
You're already a genius.
Yeah.
And it started with Red Paint being put in his chair in the first episode.
It did?
Mmhmm.
They also had that weird scene where his mom was topless.
When she opened the door.
I don't know what angle they were trying to...
They dropped that angle real quick.
They never had topless mom walking around ever again.
No.
Because it made no sense to me.
Well you only did later on.
Well I know they did the Burning Man topless scene.
Well they did that again too though with her.
I'm pretty sure.
Did they?
Yeah.
It's just a weird angle.
Because they're not like a nudist family so it made no sense.
No I think it was because she was doing clothes though at the time.
Like she was still putting stuff up.
To the fucking titties flapping left and right?
I don't know.
Weird.
Didn't have time to?
I guess not.
Bro.
Because I'm trying to figure out what the meaning was.
Like is it like this is nonchalant?
This is how it happens sometimes with kids.
You don't have time to get dressed.
I don't know.
Never assumed that.
She was wearing like regular clothes still at the bottom.
At the bottom.
I just heard titties were just fucking swinging out.
Because I think it was when she opened the door the guy was like oh she's got them some
titties.
He was like what you have them too?
I was like not as fucking immaculate as you.
That's basically what she said.
I think it was that she was trying to get a brawl out of the clothes.
I think that was the whole thing.
From a storytelling perspective I always wonder the angle of why.
I'm pretty sure it was just because they're.
That's how sad I've gotten these last few years.
Like instead of being the pervert I used to be.
Like oh titties for no reason.
I'm like why are there titties?
But why are there titties?
Yeah like but why are there titties?
You go from the where and when can I find them to the why.
Exactly.
Like how does this fit the story narrative I wonder.
That's the first thing I've got.
I guess that's how much my storytelling has tried to develop into an actual like what's
the point?
It's like instead of the where and when it's the how why.
You remember that Keira Noir movie I told you about where it's two separate movies
mashed together?
Yes.
I bought the full DVD right?
And I'm watching I'm like why?
I don't understand the like because it's it drives me insane that there's two different
movies.
Right.
Like every other scene every scene would be the next the movie.
So it'd be movie one scene one movie two scene one then movie two movie one or no movie two
scene one then it'd be movie one scene two then movie two scene two.
I'm like what the what what what?
To this day I'm still I'm like I watch it sometimes not for any like actual like because
I've seen it all right.
Yeah.
You see one titties he all titties and I'm just like I don't understand the actual narrative
of what you're trying to do here.
You could have just done the two movies and just split them up.
Yeah.
It just like I feel like I literally feel like buying the rights to it and rewriting
it so that they fit together.
And the rights probably are not very expensive.
Right now like eighty dollars.
It's free just like it's on TV it's free anyway.
I realize why they don't think of the you know it's going to be a dirty movie or like
a softcore movie when it's like forty five minutes long.
They have to cut out everything.
Yeah.
You're like huh that's a short movie.
They cut all the dirty things.
There's one called the teeny weeny bikini squad.
I think they changed the title and they and it's like thirty five minutes long.
They brought it down from a two and a half hour.
Yeah.
We're going to have our epic to a short little concise story.
That's hilarious.
Well that goes back to Justice League we got really sidetracked which is always nice for
me to talk about whatever we can film wise.
All right.
Tune in next week when we have Cure Noir here to talk us through this movie.
All right.
Let's see here.
The story adheres to the continuity changes introduced by Crisis on Infinite Earths and
Zero Hour as a heroine Wonder Woman.
Heroine.
She's just taking heroin.
Yes.
And sad thing is it's spelled the same too.
Black tar.
Mm hmm.
God dang.
She got it from the gods.
Is this is a dealer.
Yeah I got that.
I got this shit you need.
He called it lightning.
I bet he did.
Because it'll light up your life.
It's going to ruin your life too.
Oh you know about that Houston you see the videos of the Houston storm.
Yeah.
Like a fucking apocalypse opened up.
Holy shit.
And that storm lasted all the way to Florida.
I never knew like I've never seen it get that dark like here.
I have one time.
I never want to see that.
The only time I've ever seen to get that dark was during May 3rd 1999.
Bet it was.
I will never forget the way the sky looked that day.
Like the strongest storm that's ever been through.
Fucking like Houston was like a major city just getting like oh you see that skyscraper
just fucking windows knocked the fuck out.
Yeah.
Jesus.
Wow right there by the ocean.
So yeah.
Welcome to the hurricane season.
Exactly.
As the hero Wonder Woman was retconned out of the pre-crisis JLA.
Mm hmm.
She was?
Yeah.
And all because of her mother right.
Uh huh.
Right.
So her reference to Wonder Woman is replaced by a black canary.
Yeah.
Following Infinite Crisis however Wonder Woman is restored as a founding member.
Okay.
Uh one of the major plot threads to break down of relationships within the Justice League
of America is examined in the storyline Crisis of Conscience in JLA 115 through 119 August
December of 2005.
The miniseries is followed by the crossover event Infinite Crisis which had um Dark Side
I think in it.
One of those final crisis.
So.
Okay.
But this took place before that.
Oh yeah?
So basically we start off while elongated man.
Jesus.
Is on a stakeout during which a minor villain called Bolt is shot and wounded by criminals.
His wife Sue Dibny is murdered in their apartment.
Apparently dying of burns.
Oh.
Yeah.
The DC superhero community rallies to find the murderer.
Was this that one really bad storyline where Dr. Light rapes one of the heroes why this
is the one?
God dang it.
I hate that storyline.
Yep yep yep.
With a recurring villain Dr. Light being the prime suspect.
Green Arrow reveals to The Flash Wally West and Green Lantern Kyle Rayner that Light once
raped Sue Dibny.
Oh.
In the JLA satellite headquarters.
God dang it.
Yeah.
That's some like real dark shit.
I know.
Like the hero would not like, especially like their level of heroism.
Yeah they don't put up with it.
They're not used to that.
No.
Like I mean like if you imagine like the old 1940s heroes.
And then walking into some real horrific shit.
I don't know though the original Joker is pretty bad.
Was he?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Like the way you look at it right, like heroism right.
There are certain like things that you have to keep because you have to keep it lighthearted
escapism.
Yes.
So it can't be something like truly fucking dark.
Really really really dark.
Like you can't have a Spider-Man walk in and a bunch of murdered babies.
Although Spider-Man gets dark as fuck too.
Does it?
Like you've read Spider-Man comic books.
You've been cut through so much hell.
Yeah but like within the context of superheroism.
Yeah.
Like his girlfriend dying is sure.
Like him almost losing, you know he lost Uncle Ben and all that.
But not like.
But not like something truly fucking dark.
Yeah.
But within the context of real life like it gets dark in real life.
There are certain limits within the hero world that they would like if they were trapped
under like they landed on our planet they'd be like what the fuck is wrong with you people?
Watching like cartel people get fucking like skinned alive.
Yeah because the only other dark thing like that that I've seen before is like whenever
Jason Todd got the shit beat out of him.
And even that was just like an ass whooping.
Yeah.
Like everyone gets their ass beat eventually.
Yeah.
I mean like it'd be like if Jeffery got that fucking crowbar shut up his ass or something.
It'd be a whole different story.
We don't know what actually happened.
Within the context of superhero antics that would never happen.
It would never cross their mind.
Even villains have that limit because you can't make them that real.
You know what I mean?
Yeah that's true.
And so like something like that Dr. Light that's too real.
It completely offsets that like the escapism and the suspension disbelief.
And now I'm like God you need to put that motherfucker in jail.
Yeah.
So yeah basically I'll see here.
This happened in the jail a satellite headquarters.
So to ensure this could not happen again to sue another Justice League member or their
loved ones the members at the time Adam which was Ray Palmer at the time.
Black Canary Hawkman Green Lantern which was Hal Jordan at the time and a reluctant Flash
which was Barry Allen voted to allow the sorceress Zatanna to mind wipe the villain and alter
his personality to an ineffectual buffoon before again sending him to prison.
So they made him the weirdo?
Like D-level villain?
Yes.
Because of that?
Yes.
So he was that legit villain?
Yes before that.
Before that like he actually had intelligence.
Yeah well he was a fucking rapist.
Yeah.
So further discussion reveals that a mind wipe was also done on at least another occasion
when the secret society of supervillains which were the Wizard, Floronic Man, Star Sapphire,
Reverse Flash and Blockbuster they captured the JLA members of Superman, Batman, Flash,
Green Lantern, Hal Jordan at the time, Zatanna and Black Canary which was the Wonder Woman
in the pre-crisis continuity.
So that's where that continuity happened.
HIPAA whatever what's your name?
HIPAAlata?
Yeah so where it wasn't her no more it was Black Canary.
Yeah.
And switched bodies with the heroes allowing the villains to learn their secret identities
by casually removing the heroes masks.
How simple.
Although the heroes defeated the villains Zatanna once again erased the villains memories
of the incident and their knowledge of their secret identities.
So they're just playing mind wiping.
Yeah with everybody.
It's all of a sudden the men in black.
Kind of yeah.
Got to have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith pop out.
They've actually been part of the DC universe for years but no one knows because they haven't
been.
Everyone's mind has been wiped consistently.
That would be funny.
Would that be Fungalwild?
So Green Arrow's words also imply that they have done this on other occasions with their
secret identities were threatened by magic or other means.
The heroes locate Dr. Light who has hired the mercenary Deathstroke to protect him.
So got a little bit of intelligence at this point now.
During the ensuing battle Light regains his memory and enraged by the violation uses his
formerly lost powers to escape.
So now he's not an underegated villain at this point.
Back to normal.
Like powerful.
Like he controls light instead of just ray of light.
I'll show you with my sunshine.
He has Superman Superman like bro mother fuck you.
Well he just gets stronger pretty much.
Every time he's Superman with the ray of light you can see his titties get harder.
Like his nipples.
Thank you I needed that.
He just fucking clobbers him.
I mean I guess he could since he can control light he probably can control like parts of
the light spectrum which would also include like radiation and stuff.
So kryptonite radiation.
Maybe.
If it was in D level.
That's what I'm saying but now that he's got his intelligence back.
So although questioned by Superman Wally West continues to protect the heroes and their
secrets but Superman has learned them after eavesdropping on the conversations between
him and green arrow with his enhanced hearing.
So even Superman didn't even know about this.
I bet you.
Actually I don't know what Superman would do.
I don't think you would mind the welcome.
He's not that kind of a person generally.
He'd just throw him in jail.
Yeah he'd put him in the phantom zone.
Superman finds his estranged wife Jean Lorin hanging from a door blindfolded and gagged
and revives her just in time but she is unable to describe her attacker.
But I'm assuming it's Dr. Light.
If I remember well I remember that story now.
A little bit yeah.
I do love me a mystery.
A death threat is then sent to Superman's wife Lowe's Lane.
Captain Boomerang Digger Harkness is hired by the third rate villain the calculator on
behalf of the real killer to assassinate Jack Drake.
Father of Robin.
I bet you the calculator finds Superman.
I got a 0.17% chance of beating Superman right now.
Let me calculate this out.
I'm like how they put on here if he's the third rate villain.
Yeah I'm assuming he is.
I got a negative 17% chance of surviving this ass woman.
So Jack finds a gun and a note warning him of the impending attempt on his life and fatally
shoots Boomerang who also kills him.
So they kill each other.
You know I always found that to be a little bit dramatic right.
But one time I was playing this old UFC game.
UFC on the disputed three.
And me and the CPU were fighting and we legit knocked each other down.
Like at the exact same time.
I went down right and he got knocked out but I was so confused as to what happened until
I realized whenever you get knocked down you kind of pin your head up.
Like up against your chest because you're still like a were right.
But when you're knocked out you lay there like a ragdoll.
And I realized oh wait I'm still conscious so I get up and the ref finally stops the
fight.
And I'm like it was the why I wish I could have recorded it.
Because I've never had a dual knock down before.
Like we just landed at the that's probably the best UFC game of all time by the way.
UFC on the disputed three is the most realistic one.
Like that's real life stuff.
We just dropped each other at the same time.
Like where there was still a couple of those kind of things added into the game.
Yeah but then they fucking EA ruined everything.
EA ruins everything though.
God dang you EA.
We're making the new Batman game.
EA Batman.
So after this Tim Drake comes upon the aftermath of this and is comforted by his partner Batman
who confiscates the note before the authorities or the media can learn of its existence.
I did like the fact that Tim Drake was the more detective one of the group.
You know Nightwing was the more agile like quicker one.
Athletic.
Probably the better fighter.
Yes.
The tougher.
Like I take a assful of him.
You got to grow up or shut up his ass.
More weapon oriented character.
And more I guess like criminal minded.
Yeah I understood criminals better than.
Better than Nightwing.
I grew up as a criminal family type thing.
Then Tim Drake was the detective that found out Batman's identity.
And Tim Drake was like extremely intelligent too.
Like he doesn't get enough credit for how smart he actually was in the series.
Because there was times that he actually figured stuff out before Batman did and you know that
pissed him off.
Yeah my battle hair.
He's a little silver pitching.
You know him while I'm the knight.
But I think hasn't Tim Drake lasted around the longest as actual Robin?
I don't remember.
I know he had like a I had one issue of Robin.
It was like issue like a hundred something where he fought some guy that would like get
up on a horse.
He could like summon like a demon horse once a night.
But it was like a split personality.
And he was on there for a long time like over a hundred issues.
Yeah.
As Tim Drake, Batman or Robin.
Yeah because I think I think like obviously Jason Todd wasn't around for that long.
He was Robin.
Oh my god his ass fucking hit him.
By the way that's all your fault Vance.
You're the ones that voted.
Whoever voted for him to get his fucking ass beat you weren't accomplished to murder.
Attempted murder alright.
Let's get that one.
Let's get that settled 100% right.
You weren't accomplished to murder.
You all said yes killed that little boy.
Yes.
Don't you ever forget that.
I don't want you to say jack shit.
And then Dick Grayson he was like he was known at like in comedy based much longer.
But I think that his run as actual just Robin was shorter because he became Nightwing faster
I think.
And then of course Tim Drake.
Yeah that weird fucking like V neck weird ass first.
Where it looked like ammo strapped around.
Yeah I'm like what the fuck are you wearing?
Like the newest iteration looks so much better.
Am I with three chest hairs?
Yeah that's weird.
What one looks better?
Batman with like a fucking like titties full of chest hair or fucking fully shaved?
I'd probably say shaved.
Does it make more sense?
Because I've never had that type of you know those guys that just fucking pull their shirts
off and they're just fucking chested just fucking looks like a fucking silverback gorilla
just full of hair.
Well the only reason I would say that is because of the like the the utility of it.
Like you're wearing a suit every night.
Shit must chafe.
His fucking butt cheeks must be fucking raw.
That's what the talcum powder is for?
Yeah like just like fucking he just keeps like he's not the only supply of talcum parnal
and gopher can he buy it for no?
He slaps somebody in his white powder.
Probably.
What the fuck was that Batman?
Nothing.
Don't ask questions.
Like Jim Gordon has always known who Batman was because he just falls a fucking talcum
powder troll back that's goddamn Wayne Manning.
That's the only way he can pull on the tights.
Oh man that would be tight to put on.
That's why I said I don't know if he would have the chest hair because it'd snag every
time.
That shit would fucking hurt.
He goes to go peel it off and it's like ahhh.
Oh yeah that would I guess he would be shit.
That's why I said utility wise.
He just so canonically he's fully hairless from like the neck down.
I mean that was utilitarian wise I would think so.
I don't think it was ever drawn that way though.
Fucking when the Flash comes in and talks to Batman and you see him put rubbing baby
oil on his chest and ass.
What can I do for you Wally West?
So that way you can slide in and the Flash is fucking traumatized.
How can I help you?
He's the fucking rubbing baby oil on his legs on his fucking shiny ass legs.
I'd be like what the fuck.
So that way you can slide it all on.
Fuck I gotta wear my z.
It's like we know you do it too Wally.
My suit's elastic it just comes on.
Fuck I started crying.
Superman I don't think he can shave his chest hair.
He had to laser that shit off.
Yeah remember that's did you know that's canonical now?
Like the way he shaves.
He has to use the laser because he can't shave.
You know in a mirror.
Like whenever it comes up as a thing of how would he do that?
And then it's like he turns the mirror so he can shave.
It should be awkward.
I gotta shave my back hair.
Like 50 beers in this fucking bathroom.
He was hitting every single one.
He's gonna be like you gotta be a master of calculus and geometry.
It's like if I angle this I can hit my ball sack.
Oh that one got me.
If I angle this right I can hit my ball sack.
Oh man.
That'll look good for Lois Lane.
Oh but you're trying to shave his ass hairs and stuff and just it hits the wrong spot.
Oh my fucking ball sack.
He hits the back of his ball sack.
He must have fucking grapes for balls I can already tell.
I can tell.
Just fucking hanging.
You can hear him hammer each other when he walks.
Clank clank.
Alright where were we?
So after Tim Drake finds his dad dead.
Oh fuck.
I got depressing quick.
So during the questioning of several villains by the heroes, former league member Firestorm,
which is Ronnie Raymond, is stabbed through the chest by Shadow Thief with Shining Knight's
Sword.
God dang.
Everyone's just getting fucking murdered.
Yes.
The nuclear powers reach critical mass and he detonates in the atmosphere.
Wally West questions Green Arrow again after accidentally seeing a snapshot of the battle
on the satellite in Light's mind, which reveals that Batman was also present during the entire
mind wipe and stuff like that.
He'd have to be yeah.
Yeah.
Which.
Assuming his mind isn't wiped.
Well his mind was wiped.
Oh he would have been fucking livid.
He was.
What the fuck up Batman.
So Green Arrow confesses that Batman had left immediately after the battle but unexpectedly
returned just as the mind wipe was taking place.
He disapproved of this and nearly attacked the other heroes.
He was then magically restrained and his memory of the incident was removed.
He was fucking livid.
Yeah.
Batman locates the Calculator's hideout at this point but discovers the villain anticipated
this and abandoned it.
I would have been a 30% chance no one would find me and then Batman would come and say
fuck.
Fuck.
The autopsy of Sue Dindy's body by Dr. Midnight and Mr. Terrific, two characters you don't
really see very often.
Mr. Terrific.
He never gets a lot of play in the actual mainstream universe.
He doesn't but he's a good character.
You can actually do I think a pretty good movie with just him.
Mr. Terrific.
Like if it was just like about him and like maybe a couple of JSA members thrown in there.
Sounds like a good superhero name too.
Mr. Terrific.
Yeah.
Dr. Midnight too.
You don't really hear about him but he was a pretty decent character for what he was.
Wow cat.
Was that his name?
Oh yeah the one that like wow cat.
The one that taught Batman how to box canonically.
Yeah.
They realize as does Batman in the course of his own investigation that Dibny was murdered
by someone who had access to Ray Palmer's technology which was the atom that he used
to shrink himself to subatomic size.
Almost simultaneously Palmer learns that Gene is aware of the note that was sent to Jack
Drake which was it had been kept a secret by the League themselves and realizes that
she's the killer.
Some shady shit going on.
Yes.
So Lorraine claims that she did not mean to kill Sue and that it was not her intention
for Jack Drake to be killed as well arguing that she sent the note and the gun so that
he could protect himself.
Lorraine states that she and I like that here's a gun with the most powerful beings in all
of existence.
Here's a gun.
Yeah.
This is okay.
Just look at him.
Lorraine and her friend Alexander took the plan including faking an attempt on her own
life in order to bring Ray back into her life.
Realizing that Lorraine is an insane person at this point.
Hopefully yeah.
They had a normal actual reactor.
Bitch are you fucking crazy?
He has her committed to Arkham Asylum before being wracked by guilt over his former wife's
actions and then disappearing.
That's fucking wild.
Because he disappeared into the subatomic realm.
Basically.
So he just fucking dipped.
I'll see you guys later.
Yep.
My man.
So in the Justice League, this Justice League series, Wally West is awkward in the presence
of Batman who is suspicious of his behavior after this.
So then we have some aftermath right?
The ramifications of Identity Crisis are depicted in the title Flash as his rogue's gallery
villains that band together.
They have a funeral for Boomerang.
So it's actually shown for them.
Also in the one shot Countdown to Infinite Crisis as well as the tie ins.
The OMAC project and the title JLA which reveals that Batman remembered the events in question
at some point afterwards.
So like he actually regained his memory as well about how they wiped his mind and all
that kind of shit.
He's taking a shit like what the fucking.
What the fucking.
Which explains his paranoia against both heroes and villains that lead to him creating a Brother
Mark MK1 satellite.
So the Brother satellite.
The OMAC.
Did he make some OMAC too?
Yeah that's part of OMAC.
It's basically to monitor super humans which is an important factor in the 2005-2006 crossover
storyline of Infinite Crisis.
It is revealed that the storyline of the Justice League's mind manipulation, Gene Loring's
turn to villainy and Sue Didney's rape by Dr. Light were three of the many indirect
actions affected by Alexander Luther Jr. and Superboy Prime which were caused by the overlaps
of parallel timelines from their pocket universe since the Crisis on Infinite Earth series.
Eesh.
It's a mouthful.
So it's all because of the actions of Alexander Luther Jr. and Superboy Prime.
Or Superman Prime at one point.
But they all led to that kind of stuff.
And it also had a until the New 52 reset every fucking thing.
It also had when you would have Zatanna and Batman in the same vicinity.
Like she was a love interest at one point for him but he never trusted her fully after
that.
After he learned that she mind wiped him.
What else have you done?
Did you try to peg me?
Did you wipe my mind?
You bitch.
And then Gene Loring went on to become Eclipso and the Day of Vengeance series.
Oh that was her?
Yeah.
He lived on the fucking dark side of the sun?
Yeah.
I love that series.
It's one of my favorites.
Yeah that's Identity Crisis.
I had all the issues the night that I sold them back to Vintage Stock.
But I actually bought all the Day of Vengeance issues.
I still have them too.
I'm fucking mad I gotta go back and get them.
They're probably still there.
Nobody bought them.
Yeah exactly.
And for me personally it's just an overlooked little mini series.
One of those things that's like niche enough but still mainstream enough that it's known
but it's not as well read.
Like people know the events that took place somewhat in it but they don't actually know
everything because it was like a tie in to so many other things.
But it's also how you have a lot of the older Magiccasters and stuff die off.
Oh yeah because on top of the issues isn't there a countdown to Infinity something?
Yeah Infinity Crisis.
So it was part of the whole countdown to Infinite Crisis itself which was Alexander Luther Jr.
and Superboy Prime.
Superboy Prime.
He's like I'm a man now.
I'm a man I'm Superman.
So man's like fuck you.
You're just a boy.
You ain't a man so you have to shave your own balls with your laser beams.
I say you know you're a man.
You gotta use your laser beams.
This shit must be thick as fuck too.
Just don't fuck at Farris down there.
Imagine what he can swamp ass.
I bet you he calls the Thor's hammer too his cock.
Thor's I don't you ever call it that.
It's like we'll lift it then.
Only the warden can lift it.
It's like Mjolnir.
Basically yeah.
Alright you ready for some Reddit?
Yep.
These are all from today.
Oh no consequences.
Oh no the consequences of my own actions.
I actually found some good ones though.
Somewhat good ones we'll see how they go.
Oh man my back okay.
Your back you're cracked.
What is it like my neck my back my pussy and my crack.
Or no what is it?
My neck my back.
I don't remember the actual line.
I don't either.
Alright so this person there's a person that posted this and somebody put on there like
with the tag oh no consequences.
So this person said we have been in Washington state for almost eight months now.
Full timers.
And this place never stops raining.
In eight months we have only probably seen the sun for two weeks only.
Fuck I would love it if like where we live right rain usually accompanies some other
horrific stuff.
But I just love some just nice rain.
I want to sit down on my porch and like smoke my tobacco and watch the rain in my wheelchair
in my like little rocking chair like it's good rain.
They also put it's a beautiful state if people say to me well it's green and I'm like yeah
well that's because it never stops raining.
This place has been so depressing and I feel like I'm going through depression.
We have a 280 square foot gray wolf I'm assuming like camper.
And I honestly can't wait to get out of this state.
We come here to work our traveling business with our friends and I don't know how they
do it.
We're from Cali and we have never seen so much rain.
Thanks for listening though.
But the person that responded to this put oh no consequences you go to a rainforest
area and it rains.
Because Washington state is like a rainforest area.
Is it?
Yeah it's technically considered a rainforest almost.
Okay.
I think it's considered a temporal rainforest.
So like northern style rainforest because they get so much rain.
Like that's the point.
Be nice just live with the rain.
I fucking hate the rain.
Now if I didn't work where I work I wouldn't mind it as much but.
Fucking hate the rain.
Alright this person next one puts.
Let's see.
Blah blah blah.
Alright so this person puts.
Shaking my head this one is short and sweet.
I live in a small apartment building a few blocks north of Wrigley Field where the Cubs
play.
And the season has unfortunately just begun.
Our building has a small private unfenced lot for private residents parking and due
to our proximity to the ballpark we are frequent targets of out of towners looking to park
close to Wrigley Field for free.
Most of us know better than to leave our spots during a ballgame but tonight one of my neighbors
had left his spot.
Only to find some jackass from out of town had parked in his spot.
Well unfortunately the spot seller was nowhere to be found in my neighborhood whenever my
neighbor returned.
And so in a particularly inspired stroke of genius my neighbor simply parked him in.
Where he couldn't get out.
Our lot is an odd diagonal block which means my neighbor was able to pull a behind the
spot seller without his own SUV hanging out into the alley.
It was tight but it worked.
Cut to several hours later.
The Cubs game is over.
Throngs of people are spilling out into the streets and I'm at home getting some work
done whenever I hear some particularly aggravated honking.
My office looks out onto the back lot.
Elevators first floor and I annoyingly ignored the first few honks but after 15 minutes or
so of this honking I went over to the window opened it and shouted at the car to quit honking.
The spot seller who rolls down his window and gestures to the SUV blocking him in.
Do you know whose car this is?
He asks.
No but dude you gotta knock it off there's kids sleeping.
There were no kids.
He's like fuck them kids.
There were no kids but it's 10pm and I'm deeply annoyed.
And then I shut my window.
Sure enough no more honking but I kept peeking out every few minutes.
After about half an hour I heard a car door slam and I looked out to see the spot stealer
and his girlfriend frustratedly leaving the car, look around in desperation and eventually
leave.
Oof.
Enjoy taking public transit back to Napperville and coming back in a $150 Uber for your car
tomorrow jackass.
Hopefully he's now learned what happens whenever you park in a spot that isn't yours.
Oh no consequences.
Someone fucking writes you're kinda welcome around here on this shit windshield.
Alright next one is by oh I didn't catch the name on that one.
By Diddy.
Diddy Diddy.
Yeah.
The diddler.
The post is this is somebody that caught a post right.
I hate my fucking apartment complex.
They just towed my fucking car.
I was parked in a handicapped stop which I park there all the time.
I'm over it.
$155?
In the headline.
Non-handicapped person parks in a handicapped spot.
Gets towed.
Oh no consequences.
What can you do?
Don't park in a handicap.
You're not handicapped.
Exactly.
What did you expect was going to happen?
Alright next one.
I'm not sure why I am posting this but I probably want some validation as my life turned upside
down recently.
I a 32 year old male was married to my wife at 33 for a 14 year old female.
Oh that's the diddler.
That would completely change the whole trajectory of the story.
Yes it would.
For four years.
Oh my lord.
The synergy of the son is like oh you don't want to say that.
No.
No no no we don't want to go there.
It's like that fucking storyline in that Transformers movie with Mark Wahlberg.
Yeah.
And then after his daughter was dating some guy that was older than her by apparently
enough age that they had to be pretended to be Romeo and Juliet law.
And the boyfriend had the law laminated in his wallet to tell people like if they ever
asked him why they were dating.
Because we had a pre-existing date back in high school so now it's protected under the
law.
Like look at you fucking pedophile.
If you need a fucking laminated little thing to somehow what's the word I'm looking for.
Just to justify ow that my back.
Oh that one bit me.
Oh.
To justify your morally wrong relationship.
Well think about it though there's a lot of seniors that date freshmen.
That's exactly yeah so what happened.
He was a senior he aged out and then they hooked back up later on and she's like much
younger or something.
It was so fucking weird.
Yeah.
Maybe she was 16 he was 20 or something.
But it's like come on bro you couldn't find someone your own age.
Apparently not.
So let's see I was madly in love with my wife.
She fell into depression mainly due to her job in 2022.
I tried to support her in every way and suggested her going to a gym or doing any kind of sports
to de-stress.
I had my own depression episode before we got married and what saved me.
What's his choices?
What saved him is going to the gym.
So it was like from experience saying hey I want to start working out and feel better.
You know you read a book learn to paint garden but he's like you should work out because
you're fat as fuck.
What do I feel like he's trying to do.
She agreed to that and we started going together.
So I guess not even him saying go by yourself.
He's going with her.
I can not go as frequently as in my past since I had a workload got heavier after my promotion.
However I tried my best to be there with her.
She used to be a bitch heavy.
I fucking knew it.
Which I loved.
I love him.
I love me some big girls.
I know.
So I sent you that one little clip.
Yeah.
And after seeing some changes with her body she started to go there regularly.
It also helped with her depression and she got better.
I was really happy to see her get better and livelier.
She looked more confident got more aggressive in bed and so on.
God dang.
My asshole hasn't been the same since.
However after a while that confidence level started to affect our relationship for worse.
She started going to the parties and going outside to a point she completely stopped
doing her share share in the house.
That proceeded with me seeing her getting flirty with a guy at a meetup.
We went.
That we went to.
I never understand that.
Like I've been thin.
I've been as low as like 154 pounds.
I'm like 280 now.
And I've never changed my personality.
But I never became a fucking douche bag.
Right.
Like so there's something about certain people that you know like when they lose that type
of weight right.
Their real personality comes out and it's fucking terrible.
So the same thing about you know people getting rich.
Yeah.
Like it changes them.
No it just shows who they really are.
Because like my cousin was kind of like that.
Like he lost a few pounds and he became a douche bag.
He got fat again.
He's back to normal.
Confidence went away real quick.
But it's not even confidence.
It's like an arrogance.
Yeah.
Well it's like confidence taken to the extreme.
It's I guess.
But I don't know.
Like it just it would probably be the wrong way.
So now she's like she fucking left me.
She took the kids.
The dog.
Well he put I communicated my feelings with her and she dismissed these.
After several of these I had a sit down with her and she told me that she was riding high
on her newfound confidence and emotions right now.
I clearly stated that she not make decisions or actions according to that confidence right
now and think it over.
I know it well.
Basically I guess after he lost weight too he kind of had that same kind of thought process.
It was one of my worst traits.
I used to be extremely emotionally driven in the past.
I suggested we go to marriage counselor and all hell broke loose.
She said vile things to me like how she realized she settled down with me after getting back
in better and that she could do much better than me.
Damn.
I said I am insecure and other things.
This woman used to be the sweetest person on earth and I was shocked after hearing these
things that she said to me.
She filed for divorce the following month and I did not hear much from her other than
some lawyers talk or lawyer talks I guess.
Our court scene scene is scheduled to be next month and my lawyer told me there is a high
chance I'll be it'll be concluded then.
There is not much to share.
Similar income, only shared asset is our joint account of our bank account, similar savings
and no kids.
House is my mom so it's out of the division.
Yay.
So he's kind of getting like out of it.
Like scoff free almost.
Or as good as you can.
I accepted my marriage is going to end like that.
Last week she called crying and told me that she regrets everything.
Was she getting she came 15 pounds?
Probably.
She apologized over and over but I felt disappointed.
Not angry, not sad, but just disappointed.
She did not text me or even call me once since the divorce started up until this point.
He's just like you know what don't tell me tell it to the diddler and you f*****g hang
thing.
I did not even know where she had been since she had left my home.
I told her there is no going back now.
She has been messaging me nonstop.
My family supports my decision and tell me that I should not back down.
My in-laws were shocked whenever they heard about the divorce.
They are now telling me to rethink everything.
No you should have raised your daughter better.
Yeah.
How f**k was that?
Was that you?
I'm like what?
Because it's not over here on my right side.
Is that your phone?
Uh oh.
That was weird.
That's what it was.
Oh okay.
I want 99.9% not back down but as I said just looking for valid.
I'm ready to go 100.
And maybe one at a vent.
Thank you for reading this though.
By the way you know what some say they give 110%?
You know what the 10% is?
Steroids.
Yes.
Every time.
That or cocaine.
Or crack.
So the title for this one by the person that reposted this from Am I the Asshole is.
My guess is yes.
Well the guy that posted it anyway was part of the Am I the Asshole and everybody is like
you're not the asshole.
There she is.
But the person that reposted this to Oh No Consequences they titled it.
Waf left me after she got in shape and now wants to get back together.
Oh no.
She got out of shape.
She got back out of shape again.
Weird.
Alrighty.
Next one.
This person puts.
I, a 42 year old female, have a daughter Mia, 17, who attends all my school.
I have a daughter, 47.
I would be fucking around with people so much.
I, a 37 year old man, have a daughter, a 32 year old daughter, who attends all my school
and her best friend Emily, who's the same age, who she met in 6th grade.
Last year Mia started slipping with her grades a lot.
She did have trouble in school before but it was usually just math and science based
subjects.
Jesus math.
You have this fucking brutal.
Can you relate to that?
I'm so good at like, well, no I used to be good at science because back in 6th grade
the teacher would yell out your grade depending on, well while she was grading in the class.
So it'd be like Steven, 86.
And then like Noir, 89.
I was always the number one back then and I guess I just fell off.
So I'm like I'm relatively smart if I apply myself.
I just don't do it.
Just math doesn't stick for you.
Uh, yes, but not like, practical math.
Practical math, yes.
Like you know working in retail, you know like you can knock out change no problem.
Here you go, here you go, here you go.
Like at the top of my head.
It's the algebra.
It's like it's the random stuff.
Like I don't need to know jigonometry.
What?
The fuck is jigonometry?
It's like beyond trigonometry.
It's god damn trigonometry.
It's the science of the, it's the math.
It's the math.
It's the mathematics for time travel jigonometry.
It's the 8 dimensional map.
But uh, like stuff like that, like geometry and like trigonometry.
I'm like okay I'm not gonna be a fucking architect.
Like if you learn it fine but I don't think you need to, like you need to learn it for
normal basic everyday shit.
Like those, those, those, those guys in ancient times using the fucking trajectory of the
sun to find out the fucking earth is round.
Like I won't even, I won't even know.
It's like well I live here.
I don't know.
That bitch is flat.
She's like fuck you.
Alright so uh, she struggled in these two classes right?
And reached out for help whenever she needed it.
This was due to a mental health crisis since our house had burned down.
God.
A lot of valuable things were lost.
You shoulda left with that.
Also varying health scares and surgeries with close family members also contributed to this.
I put Mia into counseling and worked out a deal with her school where in short she only
had to keep her grades passing or above passing in order to graduate.
So not straight.
So just regular fucking clarifying?
Yeah.
Passing?
Yeah that's normal.
That's how you pass.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
So she, D's?
Oh yeah.
Like oh thank you.
Passing or barely above passing.
Right.
That's, that's, that's the given.
Apparently not here.
I don't know.
What the fuck?
Mia improved a lot after that and she kept her grades above passing ever since then for
graduation this next month.
Susan, Emily's mom, had gotten the same deal but Emily hadn't bothered to keep up.
Emily also is struggling in school but from what Susan and my daughter says she doesn't
actually try to improve.
Mia herself has tried to help Emily on subjects that she does well in like history and English
in the past and it did work a little.
I have one two good things.
History and English.
It was for her too.
And it did work for a little bit but then her grades dropped again.
I was on the phone with Susan earlier and she was venting to me about how if Emily didn't
complete her overdue work and her grades in the next two weeks she wouldn't graduate and
would have to repeat her senior year.
She then asked me if Mia could take on the responsibility of getting the majority of
Emily's work done so that Emily can have passing grades and graduate.
I'm like no.
So she basically wanted her daughter to do her daughters full schoolwork.
Yeah fuck that.
Yeah I'm like what the fuck are you talking about?
I was really shocked that she would ask and asked her if she was joking about this.
Susan confirmed that she was in fact not joking.
She said that it would be really nice if my daughter would help out her best friend like
that.
Hey man I got some best friends I'm not doing your fucking schoolwork.
Fuck that no.
You'll be alright bro.
Take it slow.
It'll be cool.
Just catching fucking crying in the fucking locker room.
Will you help back again?
I'm twenty seven years old.
Forty.
What's a legitimate old age to be still in high school?
Nine twenty.
Oh lord.
Still in high school twenty fucking years old.
Or imagine you're twenty one drinking and still in school.
You come in to your morning class with a beer.
What we learned today teach.
I gave her a hard no.
Not only was that super against the school's policies and could get them both kicked out
before graduation but Emily has an insane amount of overdue work and Mia has her own
work to focus on that would really hurt her grades if ignored in favor of Emily's.
Susan tried to argue with me and plea her case to me but I hung up on her without thinking.
Later on Susan sent me multiple screenshots of Emily's overdue homework.
Twenty eight in total and said that Mia would only have to do half of that.
Fucking fourteen.
I ain't doing fourteen and nothing.
I told this to my husband thinking that he'd agree with me that it's an insane request
but to my surprise.
I didn't like the fact that when you were thinking that he would.
I didn't like that phrase at all.
But to my surprise he said that I should consider it since Mia is doing way better than school
than she was before and Emily has been her best friend for seven years.
I would stop right there right?
I'd be like are you fucking Emily's mom?
Exactly.
Like are you fucking Susan?
Yeah like I'm gonna stop the whole conversation.
They know fucking why you side with someone else's wife.
No.
Over your own.
Absolutely.
You're dead fucking wrong and you gotta stand on that hill and hold that fucking line like
a dumb moron.
And then say something behind it in private.
Yeah like best you fucking stupid.
Fuck you thinking.
You don't do it in front of everybody though.
He also thought that it would probably make both girls feel horrible if one graduated
while the other one was left behind.
I wouldn't feel that bad.
Fucking stupid.
I don't think I'm an asshole but Susan and my husband seem to think otherwise.
What the fuck is up with the husband all of a sudden?
Turn the page here.
I would greatly appreciate outside perspective.
And then there's an edit.
Yeah it says your husband's fucking her by the way.
This is the deal that they get half of their credits waived if they keep their grades at
or above passing in their regular courses and credit recovery courses along with extracurricular
work.
So their GPA gets to be a bump too.
So they get like credit basically.
So even if they have D's if they get passing grades on everything they raise them up on
their GPA.
So I'm guessing before that they were doing really bad.
Yeah.
To the point that their GPA and their passing grade was so low.
So they had to be passing or above.
So I understand like the logistics of it.
Right.
But at the same time it was very earlier like if you get a passing or above passing like
yeah you mean the actual thing that you have to get?
Yeah.
Mandatorily.
And then when it was posted into Oh No Consequences they put am I the asshole for not forcing
my daughter to do her friend's homework so she can graduate.
That's another thing.
You don't have to ask anyone on Reddit.
You know damn well.
You know the answer.
Yeah there's no fucking way.
Just like whenever you are an asshole and you still ask the question you know you're
an asshole.
Am I an asshole?
Yes you are.
Aww.
Alright next one is the title for Oh No Consequences is cheaters who use website designed for cheaters
get blackmailed for cheating.
Well well.
There was the consequences of my own actions.
And the guy's this lady's husband was cheating with Susan.
Probably.
So this starts off.
Ashley Madison promotes itself as an...
Oh yeah Ashley Madison.
I've been there 17 times.
Promotes itself as a dating site that helps people cheat on their partners.
But newly released consumer complaints filed with the FTC obtained exclusively by Gizmodo
should probably give any potential cheaters pause.
The site is lousy with extortion attempts to put it mildly.
Gizmodo filed a Freedom of Information Act request for all complaints lodged with the
FTC over the past five years and the federal agency says it located 282 in total.
The FTC released 200 complaints most involving extortionists who trick users into giving
them naked photos or having a video chat.
Ha ha ha.
Can I just solve everyone's problem here?
I know it's tough but like the people that consistently cheat the problem isn't that
you're a cheater it's that you're probably in the wrong type of relationship.
Yes.
Like if you're constantly need to explore extramarital affairs then you need to find
a relationship of equal found base I guess.
So like if you like to have sex with people outside your marriage you either need to be
a swinger you need to find a polyamorous relationship you need to you can't if you can't you know
don't keep staying with the same person if you're just gonna cheat.
Yeah you can't it's not fair to them it's not fair to you just figure you gotta figure
out you know what I mean.
You know I had a notebook right and I put an upside down pineapple on it you know there's
a swinger symbol and I'm completely single I just do it just to fuck with people when
they see me outside walking with my notebook with a fucking upside down pineapple.
I was like oh did you swing?
It's like no I don't I just I'm just saying I like pineapples.
I like okay I like upside down pineapple cake.
It's not even the fact it's an upside down pineapple right but it's under this like this
group this specific type that's called the butts on cheeks or cheeks on butt cheeks on things.
So it's an upside down pineapple with a butt cheek so it's got like a fat ass on the butt
so it's like an upside down ass now because I bought the whole collection right I got
a basketball with an ass cheek I got a gumball machine with a butt cheek and every gumball
inside has a butt cheek I got a football with a butt cheek a pickle with a butt cheek
I got a cupcake with some ass like it's just like it's called butt it's like cheeks on
things or something yeah they were it was at the retail store I worked at and I it was
in the vending machines and I bought them all and I got the whole collection I got a
snowman with an ass cheek and I just thought it'd be funny to take the pineapple and turn
it upside down on my notebook because every time they see it there it's like the most
it's like I don't know it just fits.
It's a conversation starter.
It is like sir do you swing like no but damn it do I like confusing people but I'm just
saying like it's but it's difficult like in our day and age you know marriage is monogamous
relationship between two people yes and they can't you know swing like outside the boundary
well the problem too is that it seems like marriages recently have become more of what
you would have considered a contract well it's like dating at this point it's like don't
get married unless you're fully committed really committed yeah like yeah it might be
hard to to actually commit to something but if you're going to get married there's a reason
that there is marriage there's a reason I don't have I don't have a tattoo right because
tomorrow I'll be like oh fuck right like it's the same kind of thing though it's you should
think of it as something like it's not just for fun or oh for this is for tax reasons
and all that kind of bullshit yeah for my green card even then because then they're
gonna get the green card later but well but seriously like if you're gonna get married
and you know you can't be with one person right don't get married don't cheat then you
won't be cheating exactly if you don't get married like so I know I'll never understand
extramarital affairs it's like you're all you should only get married if you're going
to be able to be with one person forever and if you need a green card moving on no it's
no way I'll pay for it it's fine if you need a green card just hit him up look I'm gonna
get a green card both need one all right so so let's look at this dirty bastard cheatin'
the extortionist then turn around and demand money telling the victims that if they refuse
they'll be exposed to friends family and employers oh not my friends and family you gotta pick
one she took a screen recording my face and my genitals and they started demanding I
paid her and she would upload or she would upload the video and ruin my life one typical
complaint from a user in Texas reads I'm like too late I won't see my dick moving on most
of the sextortionist as they label it extortionist sextortionist oh sextortionist appear something
a fucking limited series on Playboy TV they have the weird they had the weirdest shows
on Playboy TV back when I used to watch it when I had it on the dish yeah it'd be like
the boy next door they'd be having this guy named Danny Vegas yeah it was like a scripted
show like a comedy show like like a sitcom oh god without the like the laugh track yeah
of Danny Vegas trying to make it big as a porn star in the small town like on the outskirts
of Chicago and like I don't know I found I'd never liked the character him yeah but I liked
everyone else around it and so it was basically a sitcom with hardcore sex it worked his
parents kept catching him in the basement trying to make videos you can't do this in
his house it's like but I gotta be famous he tried to get on the dating website but
instead of like doing like regular stuff like I like to go you know I like to read ride
bikes he's like I like deep fuck I like DPs and deep throating and I like the I'm like
god damn he had everything instead of a picture of his face it's a picture of his fucking
cock I'm like you don't really know how to date a real person do you now just be considered
controlling and I have my fucking back so most of this extortion of spirit to be asking
for roughly a thousand to two thousand dollars at first then though they can escalate quicker
even if their initial payment is made fuck that and there you can't beat an extortionist
no in terms of like you can't stop them and they're always keep asking for more money
why wouldn't they tell me you might just do the letterman then go to the police right
and they show up on your show the next day be like listen people I have been fucking
some of my employees but hey at least they came forward yeah a lady messaged me and told
me she found out my wife's name Facebook and our home address and she is demanding two
thousand dollars or she was going to send the information of our profile to my wife
another complaint from Arkansas explains people who say that they pay the extortionist often
complain that it didn't stop the scammers from demanding more payments no I didn't
know it wasn't fair fair square again that's why this is all under under oh no consequence
yeah let's see here and that the results in a predictable downward spiral of futility
for the victims gizmodo file a downward spot of futility well what a fucking good set of
words gizmodo filed another freedom of information after request all the complaints logged with
the FTC another one puts she took a screen recording to my oh no that's the same why
does it show okay let's see after I pay them they asked for more money they still want
more money I don't understand I have a feeling this isn't going to stop and I don't know
what to do one user from Michigan wrote my man it's not a fucking payment plan when you
pay enough they stop it's never gonna end Ashley Madison has long been a target for
extortionist and moral crusaders with the site suffering a massive data breach back in 2015
after it got hacked the anonymous that's how I got caught the data breach damn it the anonymous
hackers demanded the site be taken down or they'd release detailed information about
the users after about a month the hackers made good on their threat releasing roughly
10 gigabytes of information yeah dang oh it doesn't seem that much in the long scheme
of things on the sites 37 million users yeah about 10 gigabytes if it was like a fucking
80 these are these are 10 gigabytes of names oh that's a lot of names like not oh that's
a lot actually you don't need that much gigabytes for just words these are text documents oh
lord these aren't pictures these are text and I everybody that 37 million users damn
that led to that me that led to the high profile consequences including everything from the
registration of a state attorney in Florida to the suicide of a pastor in New Orleans
yeah but even after they even got Anthony wiener that dude I fucking love that documentary
I love the fact that the documentary if you ever seen the documentary wiener about that
uh that guy that was running for office in New York Anthony wiener yeah the documentary
it's just called wiener so I thought it was a porn I'm like this is a point and like so
the document is about him trying to come back from a scandal a sex scandal before the the
they started filming the documentary yeah and it was him trying to come back and it
was going great right like it was like an actual like awesome like he's like he's rebuilding
the trust with the people his wife and everybody like he's gonna be running from air right
during the filming of the documentary of Anthony wiener who was trying to recover from a sex
scandal that almost ruined his political career he had he got hit with another scandal during
the filming of the scandal that was trying to try to recover from so during the filming
of the documentary trying to recover from a sex scandal he got he got caught in the
next scandal.
What was it like Carlos Danger was his username but then again with a name like Anthony wiener
what do you expect and like you know where you know what sold the entire documentary
because it was like a movie right like you like because you can't write that stuff that
like you did the fucking whole documentary was him recovering from a sex scandal and
in the fucking documentary he got caught with it I think it's just he writes himself it
was the the pivotal moment being the scene that he'd like encapsulated the entire documentary
in one like few like 30 seconds was they had CNN had the photos of the the woman that he
was hooking up with she had taken he had sent her a screenshot of his cock right and they
pulled it up on CNN or some website or some channel that was uncensored right yeah and
was sold the documentary from was his wife Huma was there right the minute his his because
it's his wife the minute the picture came up she's she looked at it for a split second
and looked dead right back at him because she knew damn well that was his fucking was
like well he's just like looking at the screen he's not even he's not looking at her at whatsoever
he's like how do I get out of this just like the way like it was a millisecond she saw
it and she looked right back at him because she knew it was his because there was no face
in it just as you know that's got to be embarrassing it was watching him there and it ruined his
political career for the second time and then he tried for a third time if you don't recall
and he got caught with a sex with an underage woman that's in jail so either this man cannot
catch a break well like I said with the name like Anthony Weiner man was the thirstiest
politician I've ever seen no think about it though there's a you're you're named out of
everything in your last name's Weiner and that's what you send pictures of to everybody
man was Richard Weiner so dick Weiner would have been hilarious but I feel bad for his
wife because the minute that picture came up all she took is one second to know yeah
like that's his all right it's like you son of a bitch she must have been so well she
was fucking pissed I'm not to mention she was like a close associate to Hillary Clinton
so that kind of you know I'm surprised Hillary and have her do as she did she had her she
tried to convince her to divorce Anthony Weiner well that would have been smart yeah especially
after the 16 year old or whatever how old she was yeah all right so we met our fucking
animals most of the complaints were like what were like one calamity from a fucking going
back to being feral yeah yeah like pigs back to fucking caveman oh it's like pigs you know
how pigs have for one generation they're feral again yeah that's gonna be us I swear we met
our fucking beast like fucking watching like watching the war the Planet of the Apes movies
that's basically oh oh oh yeah kind of what oh well you know that fucking what a wonderful
day I've been watching that Oliver tick-tock yeah say his words say his words I just been
walking around like a gorilla like a monkey yeah that one bit oh that my back sorry guys
I'm a little bit under the weather all right continuing on but after yeah but even after
such a devastating hack the site is still around and scammers seem to be everywhere
Kobo weaker some of the complaints involve victims who at first refused to pay only to
see the scammer then claimed to be a minor for their cause well it's fucked for which
the consequences could be much greater than embarrassment much yeah you mean yeah jail
real time most of the complaints are about attempts at extortion but not all of them
for are from people and committed monogamous relationships giving the way for Ashley Madison
is marketed it's easy to understand why extortionists believe the site is a target rich environment
for people who are trying to conceal affairs some of them are swingers probably uh-huh
yeah the FTC we're just like me I'm a fun what you call a foe swinger I thought it was
only a fa you X I'm not really a swinger because I'm not in the relationship yeah I'm actually
a virgin that would be funny the FTC redacted sensitive and private information and the
complaints before they released to gizmodo making it impossible to in it independently
verify each claim but given the common a common experience is reported from the users across
the country we feel is valuable to see what consumers are saying about any given product
or service whether it's hidden cameras that air and B and B's deadly flea callers or crypto
platforms like FTX I would be that asshole journalist right that would like I would look
at the names right so is it I would go to the houses of the men yeah while they're like
get home on Sunday with their family like sir this you want Ashley Madison right can
I get your comments on how you like the site they'd be so fucking pissed at me all righty
and I think let's see here oh if you don't die first let's see blah blah blah okay to
make his words we got two more here say his words we gotta go see that movie I will a
his words you'll be walking out of there like a chimpanzee fucking crazy yeah basically
next one is titled am I the asshole if I was as strong as a chimp you imagine at my height
being actually as strong as a chimpanzee I'd be terrifying no kidding right so I'm getting
terrified I'm fucking six for that guy like what you gonna do and I just fucking pick
him up and throw him across the fuck around oh and chimps are strong I know why do you
think Konga so strong yeah we's a gorilla isn't it it's still an ape the apes are stronger
than chimpanzees fucking yeah gorillas are fucking yeah aren't chimpanzees and apes chimpanzees
are they're not monkeys they're part of apes but gorillas are like great apes gorillas
are yeah like some big boys yeah it's like a silverback like that one that one that little
girl was like pounding her chest and that gorilla slammed into the fucking window screen
remember that yeah Jesus Christ you see the couple of people walk away a brown spot running
down their legs you know what makes them so scary is how fucking fast they are I know
for as big as yeah they are fucking quick that shit is terrifying all right this one
is am I the asshole for getting that elsewhere since my wife didn't want to have sex anymore
that's a tough one yes you can't cheat but I mean if you can't live without it you have
to talk to her and you know you got them I have to amic amicably move apart all right
so let's see what you think after the little mature I'm a mature adult in the little boy's
body that sounds so wrong I did that's the nastiest thing I've ever fucking said actually
got a bad rating in court oh my god your honor that's not what I meant I mean I I have a
physical body of a child but I'm a grown man I'm not in a child you're on it it's like
let the core recorder fork this down all right so this person puts a few months ago I posted
my relationship advice for another sub basically my wife had decided to unilaterally she decided
unilaterally that we are done having sex we raised the limit huh she found out that she
cannot have kids due to a choice that she made whenever we met and kids apparently are
the only reason that she is still willing to have sex what the fuck I'm gonna be gone
I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her but it was making our marriage untenable
for two years of this so I posted for advice I got a lot of great supportive suggestions
about how to talk to my wife I tried a lot of it I started going to for counseling for
myself as well but no matter how I approached her about the situation she would not try
to see it from my point of view every discussion would end with her crying or screaming in
my face and that I am trying to emotionally manipulate nothing like gaslighting yep I
then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for a counseling
session to seek it to seek it for herself perhaps go to see a doctor I was kind of loving
in the letter the last thing I wanted to do was set her off I work on the wording with
my counselor to make sure it wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted
or misinterpreted later she read the letter then scrawled across it with red sharpie go
get it elsewhere because you're not getting it from me oh I see how it is then she walked
out I sat there for about an hour doing nothing then I told myself that what I what was I
going to do divorce I guess I mean there's no other option we are both fairly successful
in our jobs I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker I took a while but I
met someone we started out as just friends but it became physical I made sure she was
a I made sure that she knew that I was married she is not interested in a relationship so
I guess I am safe I'm a safe option for her because she's not looking for a relationship
and he just wants them he just wants a day bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb my wife found out
because I did not try to hide it she was crying whenever I got home one night when I came
in she asked if I was going to leave her I said no like probably she asked if I was cheating
on her and I said I was getting sex elsewhere she said that I was cheating and I did not
disagree with her no I used a condom into the account I asked her what she wanted to
do she said I had to stop I asked her if she was going to start having sex with me then
that would like there's no like because like if she if she doesn't want to you can't force
her so you're in an impasse yeah you're still you know sexually active or you still want
to be yeah and she's not something there's nothing you can do but others get split up
yeah I'm sorry but that's the only option you guys have she said I was an irrational
asshole I'm a I have a degree of psychology if I thought that she would have sex with
me after I cheated I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I wrote with
her answer on it and the red sharpie why not just pull out the actual letter that's what
he did he pulled it well he apparently he made photocopies of that letter we just saw
him throwing them around the house just hanging them everywhere I went to have a shower and
go to my room to sleep because apparently they're sleeping in separate rooms I would
have met so whenever I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk she said that
she had reread the letter and that she realized that she had not before that she didn't read
the letter last time what the fuck did she just mark out and fucking red marker yeah
apparently she may read like a couple of lines and the first one we fucking or not and that
was the first she assumed it was just a letter begging for sex she said that she would go
for counseling alone and with me all I had to do was stop having sex elsewhere I said
I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor and that if I saw
progress in our relationship I would break it off completely she said that she would
not agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman first it almost turned into
a fight so I just went for my run before I left I asked her what would compel her to
go to counseling if I stopped having sex elsewhere whenever I got back she said that she still
did not have an answer she couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving I don't
want to divorce but I am willing to leave over this I'm 28 I am not going the rest of
my life without sex no kidding she refuses to see my side of it still yeah I mean like
at that point you might as well like yeah because even if she agrees to it the level
of like comfort and it to some intimacy would be gone yeah so it'd be like oh you're fucking
terrible I mean I wouldn't consider you necessarily an asshole for it but no you might as well
go ahead and miss that divorce get that divorce and move on if you don't have kids like obviously
she can't so you don't have to what she wants to have so it's like what's the point right
and she if she doesn't love you or anything like really not doesn't even enjoy it I mean
what are you that bad I don't understand they just don't make it he couldn't have been too
bad I don't know if they got married oh hey no but she only wanted it for the children
but he had to have been decent at it though and then so I can't have kids I don't want
to have kids anymore well that means he was bad at her like if you fucking rocked her
world she'd be like I don't give a fuck yeah she's probably better at herself could be
so I don't know like it's it's it's pointless like at that point there's if trying to like
trying to like come to an agreement like we can only have sex on weekend and it would
just be terrible if it's more of like a contract right like there's it fucking sucks yeah and
you're only 28 you might as well as we're going Ashley Madison you won't give a fuck
if you get blackmailed exactly like some of the other people who's like go ahead and blackmail
me it's fine and the last one we have here today was a it was a post that somebody grabbed
off of I think one of the like a Yelp type thing right a Yelp yeah god dang they reposted
it on reddit obviously but always a Yelp huh and this is on PetSmartz oh lord what happened
so this person Sarah L the one that posted this horrible oh no consequences thing she
put my husband and I have shopped here consistently for years but we will be using a different
location from now on ain't no one else a girl it's only PetSmart you know Walmart for your
dog food they will literally lock the doors right in front of your face if you show up
two minutes after closing hey man I've done that before we closed hey we closed we closed
I knew you'd love that one we closed I don't make the rules I just follow them yeah I mean
even whenever I worked in retail a lot of the businesses they have computer systems
that say everything has to be done at a certain time yep and the alarms the alarm company
if you're there after 10 minutes after closing because you gotta get everything done right
if you're not out of that building the alarm sets I'm sorry man we closed we opened from
this to this if you can't be here within this and this that's your fault exactly they get
so mad at you like it's your fault like what did I do did I make you you know not manage
your time well exactly but apparently a lot of people do that I remember it though I remember
somebody threw brakes in the window so like if you open that like like here's the problem
like if you open if you close at 9 mm-hmm people will get there at 850 yes if you closed
at 11 they get there at 1058 like they just do that on purpose yes because they're assholes
exactly that's when they wander around and look around it's like the fucker you know
they don't want to grab anything just want to fucking meander around the goddamn store
oh yeah like don't get me wrong I have been to businesses when it's like 15 minutes to
close time but as I know what I want I've run in there go straight to what I want come
straight back to the register and I'm out still with like 10 minutes to spare exactly
like if I'm if I'm gonna be pushing the time limit on a business closing I'm going to make
every use of that minute I'm running to the back and come into the front because it's
like you know like when you get off work late or something like that and you're trying to
hurry but at least I'm putting some effort into you know hustling through the damn store
I had a guy be like I gotta get some toilet paper please please I'm like well you gotta
wipe your ass come on in didn't buy a liquor toilet but he bought some fucking Christmas
wrapping paper oh my god you're gonna wipe your ass with Christmas wrapping paper huh
he's gonna make it festive that fucking liar are you ready to play a pick your poison game
I hope so oh fuck oh that one bit oh damn that hurt all right you ready yeah out of
these two right no would you rather find six live webcams streaming from your bathroom
I'm okay with that or offer oral sex to the fifth person you see every day the fifth person
how wait that's all whatever the fifth person is every day huh it's a lot of dick I'd be
sucking which of the poisons I don't mind a webcam hey six of them why not they get
every angle my asshole it's like it's already on the internet it's fine we're cool with
that all right would you rather drink a bag of blood from the blood bank I don't like
blood or be unable to pee without looking into someone else's eyes I open up them eyes
good we piss in I can't do blood in any context oh really hmm I'm surprised why was surprised
I don't like blood bla bla that's why you can't watch a gore films right I can't watch
a gore film cuz I feel like after I'm after I do I can't eat anything I imagine it in
my fucking brain you see all you have to do is watch one of those PETA videos and you'd
never be able to eat meat ever again I take a lot to top that and burgers all right next
poison would you rather have your nose replaced by a permanently erect penis or have every
dog you meet immediately start humping your leg hmm I can stop the dog I can't stop a
penis on your nose yeah you don't wanna be called penis fakes there was that guy that
had like the longest nose in history oh yeah seven and a half inches I know man well must
have been quite the life at the party his oral sex must have been phenomenal he could
please at least two women yeah maybe more well I mean we say that but we don't like
there's no way the nose would be like too like malleable I know to be stiff enough to
you know but that doesn't mean there's cartilage that far up to either maybe it might just
be like a tissue he's hot so you may not be able to fill it would be a fucking like why
did you mean like they give wouldn't be you stiff enough that's what I'm saying hmm just
like a tumor tissue probably I had a tumor growing out so you're taking the other one
which one oh the dog yeah yeah every dog you need immediately tries to hump your leg please
I get the fuck off me you animal be like I was a baby joker from Friday where it's like
the fuck are you doing to my dog oh yeah and nothing man nothing all right next one uh
Reggie would you rather have a family member walk in on you getting off to animal porn
or see dead people wandering around everywhere you go I can take the second one the dead
people have the people that retail are dead people it's true that's very fucking existence
in life zombies as it is yeah all right would you rather be tart and feathered or never
be able to have sex without a condom on ever again hmm I can do both actually I can do
both while using the car give me both you know what turn and feather is all right yeah
what am I British well hot tar so that's all right pain I like it which one um I guess
I take the first one be tart and feathered and I get free all right next one would you
rather draw a penis between your first and last name every time you rewrite your name
or wake up in the middle of the night only to find your significant other masturbating
to a photo of their ex hmm number two just for the lolz just for the lolz all right next
one would you rather be required to kill one person per year or you must kill yourself
or have undeniably ugly offspring so well the second one's impossible because I'm pretty
sure my jeans are just we have that gorgeous I'm not sure you're going to have undeniably
ugly offspring but I can't because they're gonna be Adonis so it's in I'll just go to
the second one you have undeniably ugly offspring I took him out be drop dead gorgeous or it's
like like that episode of Seinfeld where they went to go see the baby I don't remember that
one you have to see that one again with Cranberry's like oh god all right would you rather experience
the pain of childbirth every time you poop or be sexually attracted to another species
wait man so first of all I'm already attracted from like the the Mass Effect series so you
already know what you're choosing there you go but I got if I had to struggle every time
I go shit I was like every that would be the most it's every day every day there's no fucking
way that shit would fucking kill yes it's like childbirth every time you take a poop
there's no there's no one could take that all right would you rather have taste buds
on your butt or poop a little bit every time you fart go with one you want to taste it
then might as well I don't want to fuck shit every time I fucking feel like doing anything
you know the number one rule never trust a fart exactly well but I mean like every time
I fart like what if I get you had those pass some gas I just shit myself it doesn't poop
a little it doesn't say I'll poop it all I'm farting let's I'm on the toilet all right
thanks for only be able to have sex if a family member is watching gross or have your doppelganger
become the world's most famous porn star I already know which one you're choosing I don't
even have to guess I know the answer to that shit everybody that listens knows you know
damn well I don't buy anything pornographic oh would you rather pull all your teeth out
of your mouth yes you know the other one moving on or have sex with your most attractive cousin
I don't do family members you want to be that thing that I'm being being being being I won't
be my uncle you don't want to be bad uncle I don't want to be that uncle all right next
one would you rather hand out fortune cookies with bigoted saints oh fuck that's freaking
Halloween ain't that gonna be a story every guy can go in your grandpa could do it and
he wouldn't mind exactly or be permanently high the first one I don't know they'll be
in the state of altered state of reality exactly say we're on the same thing at the okay I
already know which one you're choosing out of these two as well so who would you rather
use a cell phone case shaped like a penis or have sex with the sheep how good looking
as the sheep looks like Mary from Pokemon no thank you no one would you rather have
everyone's name you have ever kissed tattooed somewhere on your body okay or have a bird
poop in your mouth every time you yaw Wow what great fucking choices so every time I
fuck a yard I just give a fucking shit on you give me the tattoos come on now people
all right would you rather have a friend or family member die every year on your birthday
fog that happened already my grandma died on my birthday oh really be married on my
birthday oh yeah done and done or put your hand in a blender and turn it on gee I left
me a real sad birthday is coming up you want to be one-handed no hell no I think I fucked
up you wouldn't be noble at your family limb no fuck these motherfuckers this is not a good
choice right here they don't be ready I'll take them all would you rather lick it on
my butt hole yeah I do that all the time or be a little every time someone says your name
let's get a taste on it then unwipe my asshole hey man them girls be wild it never says like
it's shitwiped it just means like she hasn't wiped it so maybe she took a shower you're
going for the best circumstances hey man you don't have to wait you can wash it in the
shower would you rather have a nuclear war break out tomorrow yes I love playing fallout
for right now or do everything you can to convince everyone in your life that you have
cancer after a year you tell them that you're faking it wow they would love that first one
nuclear fallout by the way there's no such thing as a nuclear war no it's not gonna
last very long absolutely not it'd be a nuclear exchange and then that'd be the aftermath
oh god would you rather marry someone of a gender that you're not attracted to yes or
poop out a billiard ball here we go who we marrying a lot of people here wait what if
I'm attracted to both so you're back what if I'm attracted to everything what if I'm
a try a try you could do a try give me all right would you rather drink 10 ounces of
someone else's chewing tobacco spit or secretly have sex with a partner of someone at the
table no thank you so you're choosing the first till the second one you choose the first
who is your partner's name all right next one drink a gallon of breast milk that has
your yes that your mom has been saving some now or an inf never mind this is an easy one
for you or have sex with someone 40 years old shit done it done dolly pardon for you
already done what do I get extra punches I've already done it okay I know what you're gonna
choose out of these two probably as well would you rather drink a diarrhea milkshake or be
sexually attracted to an inanimate objects enough else like a mattress sure why not give
it a try who take for your one oh I would hope I would know what you would choose for
that yeah that's how you get surprised never have sex again done or or register yourself
as a sex offender shit oh interesting choice what kind of sex offender say I whipped out
my dick and a playground but I was trying to take I was trying to take a piss it's fucking
midnight and there's no children there right so get said it's a registered sex offender
hmm interesting choice I think I would never have sex again I think I'd have to be on the
sex offender I'm not gonna people's order she has me I am I said let me let me explain
why you're gonna take two hours all right would you rather poop a pile of parasitic
worms and eat one niche or have penises from fingers on one of your hands at least the
first one is like only one time like the other ones like like the King Charles and his fucking
sausage fingers you know what dick's for fingers no thanks I've seen what it looks like would
you rather give a eulogy for someone you didn't know sure or receive a naked selfie from a
family member one day well what is with the family member choices they know damn well
as they always knows you don't want to fight no this whole this whole faux incest that's
such a fucking popular disgusting it's not for me all right would you rather accidentally
find a video of your grandma on your favorite porn website no what the fuck or have an incurable
STD of your choosing might as well give me give me gonorrhea that ain't careful the clap
not only am I positive I'm HIV positive for that for South Park it was Kyle hated it Kyle
was fucking livid I'll never forget the fact that Carmen gave Kyle AIDS yes and keep carbon
tried to play it off like it was no big fucking deal did hard right why are you so fucking
mad Kyle he thought it was funny yeah so funny now is he he was laughing not the fact that
he got AIDS but the fact that it happened to carpet you know probably deserved it more
than anybody it wasn't because of the agents all right and like Carmen could not accept
that all right would you rather smash your pinky finger with a hammer or have everyone
you've ever dated move into your neighborhood so it would be an empty neighborhood number
two I don't date I just all right would you rather find out your partner is really a prostitute
hired by your parents yes or make out with someone who hasn't brushed her teeth for two
months I've done that before you don't know what I'm freaking do you you're over here
licking the teeth basically you gotta get over like certain bodily stuff like you know
sometimes the breath isn't the best I had no way so uh the first one the first one that
should come like that movie with Jennifer Lawrence mm-hmm she got hired by the family
to fuck that is our son doesn't know funny and that actually has happened in real life
their stories out there I'm sure there he is would you rather and I hope I know the
answer to this but you never know so would you rather go down on your grandpa or walk
half a mile barefoot through two feet of maggots and I'll be fine with the maggots they don't
go do anything exactly all right would you rather get a tattoo or teardrop beneath your
right eye or kill somebody or have your child catch you cheating on your spouse I don't
have a spouse or a child if you do oh if I did mm-hmm I get the fuck out of this room
I don't know play the first one I'm well I hate tattoos oh well a teardrop get a teardrop
you just fit in with all the other Mexicans on the south side of probably would you rather
be tried for treason in North Korea yes or call your partner's mother right after you
have sex every time they tell her how it was I do both I'll do it a while I'm in North
Korea just for the hell of it yeah during my trial every phone call they give me would
you rather change your name your last name to Hitler or have your mother forget about
your existence why Hitler huh it's fine I would have that life would like to with that
that would mean that I'm actually like related to Adolf Hitler yes interesting he would hate
that he would hate that I mean who's racist there was he though I know he just hopped
up on coke he just did not like you people said yes god dang Jews would you rather spend
all your free time as a religious picketer or clean all the dirt off a homeless person's
feet with your tongue hmm they never said I was religious so let's just go with the
first one would you rather get a notification every time anyone in the world says anything
negative about you or fuck there's be a long ass list of notifications find out you'll
die in one year from today first one it is just a word I want to see love negative comments
because they that would find them fucking hilarious I would do to be honest with you
would you rather play Russian roulette with all of your closest family members yes or
only be able to use the bathroom once a day well nice once a day yeah so I just piss in
a water bottle hey go piss outside go with the second one like that's do you mean people
don't understand loopholes exactly next one use a cheese grater to remove all the skin
from your left forearm god dang or attend a local yoga class and get naked halfway through
I naked the minute I get in before that yeah I mean they get walking in I do let me some
naked yoga all right would you rather have your firstborn child grow to be a terrorist
yes or show up to work on Monday and only a bath towel and do that no problem give me
the second one all right would you rather have your phone number published in a phone
sex hotline yes or become extremely addicted to heroin both of them that's how you ended
up with a phone sex operator job all right would you rather be forced to shout God isn't
real and every person who blesses you after a sneeze or experience heroin withdrawals
for the next two weeks well I'm going off of my job from phone sex operators and buy
the second one would you rather have a set of six milk producing cow udders on your chest
or never masturbate again on to I can get laid so why not number two all right get poked
by a used needle gee or receive a notification every time any one of your exes has sex no
second one so blue oh good for her she getting any oh lucky her all right would you rather
this is a second to last would you rather poop next to every dog you see pooping proceed
to yell at the dog owner for not picking it up or cut off your own arm with a pocket knife
oh thanks number two I mean number one no thanks I'll take number two no fucking bodily
damage all right and last one would you rather switch lives with the next person that asks
you for spare change or call your parents every time you're about to have sex and ask
them for permission I am number 20 is you don't want to call your mom either be a fucking
quantum leap where you just keep changing bodies like God dang it stop vacula how did
you ever escape I guess he never did did he I don't think so the very last episode had
him jumping like on his own like he could jump consciously yeah so he never returned
back to normal and that's the game pick your poison as you know I'm doing I care so I'll
do whatever he's a freak so he's good and minus family with half of these aren't even
freaky for him so hey basically I know it's not family related I'm good to go he's gonna
vote against the family ones every time that and bodily harm yeah all right anything else
to add before we head out tonight no my back is killing me good night he got he got his
back blown out so I blew my back out like goddamn Tom Holland she was like this he's
like you brought the broke back three thousand and I was like I couldn't say no you lost
a bet for Tyson Fury and Osk