Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite or none of
the movies, games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
Let's go ahead and get started.
All right, everybody.
So this is our new show.
I know this is replacing Cozy Knights.
For those of you that loved it, I'm sorry.
It's over.
Move on.
Just like the Sopranos.
We got us to move on.
I wanted to focus to make nightly news because I just love keeping myself well informed
like on actual news, but also on the randomest stories I could find.
But it'll take me a while to get used to like actually researching constantly because I
spent all week like looking up three stories a day and I'm exhausted and try to verify
that the stories are real or if anything changed in the stories, I had to keep checking the
day after.
If there's been any redactions.
Like any redactions or updates or anything.
So it's a hassle.
Hopefully one day I'll get some researchers to help me out and make this show a daily
thing so it's more up to date because once a week is not, I mean, it's called nightly
news.
It's not very nightly if it's on one day, but you know, we got to get started somewhere.
We got a Patreon.
Give us money and we'll make better news.
We don't have a Patreon, do we?
We'll get a Patreon.
Whoever buy me a coffee.
I know that.
I don't like coffee, but you can buy me.
That's a mead.
Buy me a mead.
Buy me a coffee.
But yeah, so I love news.
I don't know why.
I just love reading stuff.
That's true because I have an expression somewhere that I found.
Let me see if I can find it real quick.
Yeah, this quote from Streamplay by David S. Cohen where he wrote, truth doesn't have
to be believable, fiction does.
So that means that no matter how ridiculous a story is, if it happened in real life news-wise,
you have to believe it.
You got no choice.
Like you see someone saw it, someone witnessed it, someone recorded it, somebody talked about
it, you know what I mean?
Well, think about the old saying, sometimes reality is stranger than fiction.
And sometimes it is real strange.
And so yeah, nightly news will be your source of comedic commentary on the world at large.
So I suppose, so we'll start with a feel good story from KOC News.
I'll try to cite my sources as best I can so that I forget.
I'm not trying to plagiarize or anything.
None of this stuff is my own actual research.
I'm not on the field researching people getting-
No, you're a comedic commentator.
I'm a comedic commentator who dislikes news.
So anyway, this is a feel good story from KOC News, Channel 5.
Or I said KOC, K-O-C-O News 5, written by Elsie Jones.
So in honor of his late wife, this man by the name of Sean Cummings has basically dedicated
the rest of his life to canceling the lunch debt on all sorts of schools around Oklahoma.
So far he's canceled, he's basically paid for him out of his own pocket for 20 schools
to, because I don't know what the hell lunch debt is.
I didn't look into it deep enough, but apparently when kids have their own debt at school, it
rolls over to the next month and sometimes it affects them to graduate or whatever if
they don't pay their lunch debt.
So he decided to just take it upon himself because his wife used to be a chef and her
main goal in life was to feed people.
And now she's dead, so he decided to start paying their lunch debt.
One check for two grand on one school, and he just moves on to the next one like a god
dang Robin Hood.
So good on you Sean Cummings, you're a good man.
That's a good story.
Next up we have a one for you.
There is a new anthology graphic novel coming out called Joker the World, where Joker is
going to, different stories of Joker in different parts of the world.
It's coming out September 17, 2024, and it's going to have him going to Spain, Germany,
Italy, Brazil, Mexico, the Czech Republic, Turkey, Japan, Korea, Cameroon, Poland, and
Argentina.
So we'll see how he causes mischief and mayhem all over the world, which I'm sure he's really
good at.
Even if he doesn't speak the language at all.
So he's taking a trip outside of Gotham?
He's probably getting away from Batman.
His jaw probably hurts from getting sucked in the face.
So we'll see, it's going to be written by people that are local to the area.
So if it's written in Korea, it's going to be a Korean writer maybe and a Korean artist.
So you know that the Korean one, the Japanese one, and a couple of the other ones are going
to be pretty good.
But Czech Republic and Poland, I don't know.
We'll see how that goes.
We'll see how they do.
I mean, I'm not buying it.
I don't, not really my genre anymore.
Yeah, but we'll see how they do.
So breaking news.
I know nothing about women.
I found out.
I'm very entirely, what's the word, in the dark when it comes to the female form.
I recently found out something called the P spot and the A spot.
Not barely near the G spot.
Now I'm back to square one.
No longer am I a Casanova.
I am a student with a composition notebook.
I was watching some videos on YouTube about like, and it was like sex therapist talking
and I'm like, oh, let's see what they, let's see what I can learn.
Probably not a lot.
And I was like, I had a notebook with eight pages.
I'm like, God dang it.
You thought we were taking notes?
So yeah, I'm going to have to go back to my old training days and start learning more
about women.
Back to notes of the grindstone again, huh?
Yeah.
What is a P and A spot?
What is going on?
I was so confused and that's how sad I was.
Not only that, that P spot and A spot on top of this that I learned was the fact that male
porn stars in the industry, some of them have replaced their penis with an actual valve.
Yeah, they had an operating, that's the face I made too.
So the real pros in male pornography, well the males in pornography, they have replaced
their veins with a balloon or something and underneath their ball sack, there's a valve
they turn and it fills their dick with blood.
Then they close it back up to make it flaccid again.
His full life, well first of all what I learned.
So yeah, they went like, cause like apparently the male stars were doing needle injections
to get hard, right?
Quicker.
I know it puts a timestamp on your dick, like an expiration date, but because they're pros,
they're like, this is what we gotta do to keep up with the business.
Yeah, fuck that.
And now the real pros have their own little safety valve, their little valve and it's
an actual little device.
Cause the porn star I was talking about, it was saying like, if you guys think I have
really light balls, not really.
I'm looking for the valve to make it the right size that I like.
So she was turning it to the size that she enjoyed.
That's why she was always playing with their ball.
I was like, I was like, wait, so we're only one step away from the androids at this point.
Probably.
But, uh, yeah, it turns out I know nothing about women and I know none and I can never
compete in the porn industry.
Cause I ain't got no valve.
Because the ones that can take them like 20 minutes to get hard, that's 20 extra minutes
for the production team to be waiting around.
So they get less work.
So if you're just a regular, you know, natural born, you're like, you got no chance.
You got the needle guys and the valve guys.
Hey, there's probably a civil war over it.
I don't know, man.
Scared the hell out of me.
I know nothing goes.
No, no, no, no, no, nothing around that area.
Mostly a surgery to install a fucking valve.
Yeah.
Like the replace or two this kiss.
I don't even, I don't even know how it works.
That's how inept I am.
I just know it gets hard and it goes in places.
As far as my knowledge of it goes.
Things you don't want to know.
I did.
I'm always interested to keep, to make myself more knowledgeable of the sexual, what's the
word, sexual category.
This is for your porn industry goals is what it is.
I guess.
I just want to be well informed.
So you want to know about a valve?
I'm interested.
Let me see.
Let me see how it works.
All right.
This one, they call me by surprise.
They caught everybody's surprise.
Surprise.
The Francis Scott Kew Bridge in Baltimore.
Yeah.
God dang coming down.
They caught me by surprise because I had woken up that day to go to the restroom.
It was like three in the morning, right?
I got to pee.
It's one of those pees where like you can't hold it anymore.
And like you start dreaming about peeing in your dream.
Yes.
And then they hope you don't pee is what I'm going to say.
I wake up, I go.
It's dark.
It's late.
I'm like, let me turn on the news real quick just to keep some ambient noise in the background
so I can go back to sleep.
And the minute the news comes on, like breaking news, I'm like, oh, it's probably some stupid
like legal story or something.
Right.
Like breaking news.
That means nothing.
Yeah.
Because like it's 24 hour news channels.
The breaking news is like benign sometimes.
And then it comes out of the, I see the bridge just come down.
I'm like, oh, that looks legit.
Well, it took, I think, what, five years to build or something like that.
It took 10 seconds to destroy.
That's life, I guess.
Man, that thing.
And like six workers got trapped and died there.
Yeah.
Really depressing story.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It wouldn't surprise me if there was foul play involved, but we don't know yet.
So.
I doubt it.
It's just an accident.
That would be the best bet.
Yes.
Breaking news.
Everybody, I've been reading a little bit here and there.
I don't know what he did to get Homeland Security of all people.
You don't know?
Well, they wanted his business.
I know what he did.
You know what he did.
Like allegedly.
Let's go with allegedly with the era.
But a very gigantic quotation mark.
Allegedly.
It's so bad though that you got 50 cent out there trolling too.
He can't stand P, did he?
You can feel this motherfucker trying to take me out shopping.
Yeah, I heard I saw that story.
What are you saying?
Buy stuff for me.
You look mad as hell.
You feel like I'm a bitch.
But I don't know.
Like Homeland Security is like legit.
Like they're after him now.
It's not the FBI.
It's like Homeland Security.
That sounded different to me.
I don't know.
I don't know what that is.
That's like terrorism level.
Isn't it?
What was the need for a Homeland Security be over like a local SWAT team?
So because it's international, that the Homeland.
That's wild.
Yeah.
It just goes to show you no matter how powerful you are.
There's a lot of people that were saying that Justin Bieber is going to probably come out
in the next couple of months.
Like it's like no matter how powerful you are, the minute the government's like nah,
it's like game over.
Yeah.
And if you don't believe me, El Chapo was the most powerful drug lord in probably the
entire world.
Yes.
The one place he did not want to go to jail was in America.
Yeah.
And that was the last thing.
He would have done anything not to go to jail in America.
He would have gone to jail everywhere else except for America because he ain't getting
out of wherever he is right now.
He never will.
So yeah, I'm sorry, Mr. I don't know, is it Combs?
Yeah.
Sean P. Diddy Combs.
I don't know what you did was, it's a wrap I guess.
They're probably going to Epstein him.
Yeah.
Remember Epstein didn't kill him so.
Yeah he did.
He hung himself by with his hand tied behind his back.
It's highly blocked.
He turned off the security camera and he put the security guard on his back.
He stabbed himself 42 times in the back.
Next up is this is because of my cousin, which is this is the reason I want to stay well
informed and like not fall into like whatever all this like random news, right?
But like really well informed.
Like I may joke around, but you know, I like to be well informed.
Breaking Bad.
There's a poster going around of what looks like a movie of Breaking Bad coming out in
August 2024.
And it's got Walter White.
If you don't know what Breaking Bad was, and I'm sorry, spoilers, but it's been years.
It was the show about this chemistry teacher who got cancer and was dying.
He got lung cancer and he was a high school chemistry teacher, regular family guy, middle
class, you know, gorgeous wife, son, a baby on the way.
He's like in his 50s.
He's working two jobs.
He's got school and he's got a wife down cars at a goddamn car wash.
Some of his students come in and Mr. White is saying you make it embarrassing the hell
out of him.
And he gets cancer, lung cancer, inoperable.
And so he just breaks bad like Breaking Bad.
He literally just lost it.
He's like, I have to leave my family with something.
I can't.
I can't just die.
And you know, so he started his granddad was just start making meth.
So he starts making meth for five seasons and he becomes one of the biggest drug kingpins
in that universe.
And by then his moniker Heisenberg, his nomenclature, his woman say, and he and he was making he
made like at least like it had to be like over 200 million dollars, like just in barrels,
just barrels of barrels of money everywhere.
And at the end at the end of the series, because he lost his money to some white supremacist
and they killed his, his DEA stepbrother.
He had to get he had to get his get back and they had they had kidnapped his partner and
they were forcing him to make the because he made a specific chemical.
This chemical formula of meth called blue.
It was called blue sky blue.
And it was like 99% pure.
It's like like this other chemistry guy was like between 98 99.
That's a huge difference.
No, because he was like making his 97% pure and Walter was making it 99, which is like
a vast like like it's like like like golf.
It's like the difference between a million and a billion.
Yeah.
And so Walter White was the guy.
And so then it all fell down in season five and he had to he had to go on the run.
And because he was so famous as a criminal that he had he had to hire this guy to get
him like a fake identity.
And but it didn't take a long time because he was a lot more well known than other people
that he the guy worked for the guy that did like I don't know how to call it like like
false.
I did like it's called like a criminal witness protection program like a witness for
criminals.
Yeah.
And so he realized he gets cancer again.
He finds that the blue sky still being made in Albuquerque, which is it's all said in
Albuquerque.
And he goes back.
He he takes out the white supremacist with this ingenious attack from a car.
He somehow made automated machine gun in the trunk of the car to turn on from the press
of his key button from one of those little fobs.
And he turns it on and just toot toot toot toot toot toot.
It just lights up the whole building.
It killed everybody except for him and his partner who he lets go.
His partner hates him because he did a lot of horrible stuff to his partner.
His partner was one of his chemistry, one of his students back in the day, Jesse Pinkman,
who he dragged into the end.
He he brought Pinkman up to like he was like a low level drug, like a meth maker.
Yeah.
He would have never amounted to anything.
Walter Wright brought him up to like, you know, the the top echelons of like the drug empire.
And but he really did a lot of horrible stuff to Jesse.
Like he killed one of his girlfriends, one of his other girlfriends.
He tried to poison his his his girlfriend's son.
He did a horrendous amount of stuff to him.
And so at the end, Walter jumps in to save his partner, Jesse, and he takes a bullet
in the side from the automated gun and he supposedly dies at the end of the series.
Right. He's got cancer.
The police are coming to the little hideout where the white supremacists had their little base.
And Jesse escapes.
Walter dies on the floor of a laboratory, which is like his favorite thing was the lab.
Yeah.
And in the poster, it's basically Walter White in like a hospital gown with tubes in his nose,
head shaved.
And like he looks like he's he's he's not healthy, but he's alive.
And that's what that poster looks so realistic that it looks like it's real.
Like there's going to be like he actually survived the attack and it's going to be a Walter White movie.
And I looked into it and it's not it's made from a fake account on a fake Facebook page.
And I'm like, well, I have to make sure my cousin wouldn't believe me.
He always does stuff like that.
He just sent me like, oh, my God, you see the look at this movie coming out.
I mean, that's the fake shit I've ever seen in my life.
What are they going to have? DC versus Marvel, Captain America versus Batman.
Like the fake is like it's trying to just keep him keep him from not because any like over sensual.
What is the hover?
Since I can't even say the word right.
Like over sensationalism, you know, like you just it just gets people and give people's brain and like they just accept it without looking further into it.
So I looked into it and it's not real. I wish it was real.
And he was Walter White didn't survive.
And we got a movie in August twenty twenty four.
But now, unfortunately, now no Walter White coming back.
He's dead. I'm sorry that I'm spoiling for everybody.
I'm sorry to burst everybody's bubbles.
I mean, it's a great looking poster, too.
I want like it looks legit.
Like it's like the AI is incredible on it because it looks like a real person.
And I was going a little too good now.
Yeah, it's pretty scary.
All right.
This is this is a tester episode, by the way.
I'm trying to do these episodes for like 30 minutes, 30 to 35.
This one's not going to be that long because we're testing it.
I guess I didn't have enough news stories.
I only got two left.
But as long as you enjoy the first test episode, you guys can be back next week.
Anyway, let's end up with these last two stories from Florida.
Oh, Florida.
One I don't think is true because I could not find any information on it, but I heard about it.
The first one is true.
This this airboat in Florida near Cooper Town just flipped like it flipped over.
And like just all the passengers ended up in the water.
Basically, the this passenger was like, hey, there's an alligator over there.
So the driver or the pilot or whatever is called in an airboat, he did a sharp U-turn and capsized the whole boat into the water.
Nobody was hurt or no one was injured severely.
One guy wasn't you know, one guy was injured, but it was minor and he didn't need any hospitalization.
But I mean, there was a gator in that water.
So, you know, I mean, there's also going to be some Burmese pythons.
There's going to be. Yeah, that we know we can put in pythons bang in war in gang bangs all the time as we covered in cozy nights.
One of our news stories.
I guess you guys don't know about that. We lost that episode.
Come to think of it, if you didn't know, there's these they're made, they're called mating balls and pythons.
They bang in gang bangs. It'd be one female and like 15 males.
I'm dead serious. It is horrific to watch.
But you watch. Well, it was a video of the news story. Yeah.
I got to stay informed.
My last story is I could not find any actual news outlet that confirmed it.
But this couple in Florida, Adam McDonald's, they got into it with a cashier over a mass dispute.
And before they assaulted the cashier, they allegedly did the Dragon Ball Z fusion dance before they beat the brakes off of him.
So I don't know if I imagine the cashier had a scouter right.
Like you go, you probably was 40 and 17. You can't beat me.
And then they do the fusion dance like, oh, my God, it's over nine.
And they beat the hell out of them. They did it in honor of a curatorial.
I don't know. I don't know. This is like from three years ago. So. Oh, really? Yeah.
That's why I can't find anything about it. Huh. I saw it on X.
So then when I saw it, I'm glad I went to on actual Google, which is as far as I can go with my actual search skills.
Yeah. I'm sure there's deeper search engines that I haven't become aware of.
I'm a novice news verifier.
So I don't know. Like I imagine just standing there watching them do a fusion dance and they start beating the shit out of you.
You think it would be funny. Let's see it. It would be like, what the hell are they doing?
Fusion. I imagine they do it at home, butt ass naked all the time. I feel like I can already tell they probably do that shit.
Yeah. That's it. That's it for the first episode of nightly news.
Our bit of a prologue episode. We'll be back with episode two next week and I don't really have an outro.
Oh, I guess the other should be always stay informed.
What you got in the urban dictionary today? All right. Urban dictionary.
Let's see what we got. Got 13 today.
Overachiever here. Oh, really? No. I just like the number 13.
The first word is school school masa.
I don't know how to say it, but it's basically a circumcised penis.
It's like S Q W U A M Z A.
My God dang, that's weird.
Anyway, next one is pothead.
Someone who is worthless with a job and has to pick a ball about every 10 minutes.
They steal from the cell. They steal from their family and sell their shit just so they can buy some weed.
So people like grew up around you. That's fine. Pothead.
Yeah, I know. I just I just need a dime, just a dime.
You give them a dime like no, like a dime bag. I'm sorry.
A $10 bag because they can't afford nothing.
Next one is turkey thigh.
One of us died like a turkey. Thick thighs.
Basically the example.
We're chicken legs. I hope this one isn't offensive. It sounds like it is. It's called preggy.
It's like it's a gay word for a girl that's pregnant.
That's what people call each other all the time. Where they say, are you preggy?
I would have I would have pie sawed him by someone else. How fucking did you call me?
Go up to a fat guy. Are you preggy?
I had a coworker once who he was a he was on the spectrum and he was highly intelligent on like mechanical engineering and stuff.
But not too good with the social skills. Yeah. And he just walked up to one of our coworkers like, are you pregnant?
And she was just fat. What she said. I was like, oh God.
Next one is called beer run is like to steal beer late at night from a 24 hour grocery store.
Yeah. 24 hour grocery store. I would be fucking exhausted.
In the middle of the night, the weirdest of people come out. That's what Crest is.
Crest is 24 hours. You Walmart used to be 24 hours. Used to be. Must have been nice.
Walmart now they close at fucking 11 o'clock. Yeah, man. I can't get there in time.
I work too late. Yeah. What's like 1030? And then I get there like they're like, where we close and they fucking they spit in my face.
They go in there like in the middle of the night because whenever I'd whenever I was working the certain position at work, I'd get off really late.
So it's like, OK, I'm away home. I can stop at Walmart. I get whatever little thing I need.
They're open and you go in there and it's like a circus because you get to see some weird looking people that are dressed like fucking crazily.
Like it was just a Walmart experience. Like a Walmart man.
You get to go in there and you see the golf couple in there where they look like they've been out for vampires and stuff.
I had a friend of mine who works at Walmart. He's like higher management now.
But back when he was a stalker at night, right, because he stalked overnight, he had a guy come in who was who reeked so bad that he started
a gagging as you get like, you know, where the toothpaste is.
I've been around been around a Walmart worker like that. He couldn't like go near him.
Yeah, that sucks. Yep. Nice word is sluck. Is what? Sluck. Sluck. Yeah.
To suck, lick and fuck someone at the same time. Sounds like fun. Sounds like fun.
Actually, that's an easy way to do it because as you're banging her, right, you can sluck on her nipple and lick on the or suck on her areola and lick on her nipple at the same time.
They enjoy that. I think I don't know shit about women anymore.
Apparently, no, I don't even know what sluck is no more. I don't know what anything anymore.
Now, this is some weird thing you've never even heard of.
This was called Fuck Boy and it just says, Hi, my name is Toby.
The one that says Toby is a fuck boy.
That's when his herogasm basically is when when you stage saving someone's life under the tent that they will have sex with you as a reward.
Seems like that's something Spider-Man does all the time.
He rarely gets laid. If I'm being honest.
I've seen there was a one of those stupid polls that they have on YouTube where it said, whose life would you like to have?
If you could, would you rather have like Iron Man, Batman, Spider-Man or the Hulk? Right.
And the whole list was everybody wanting Spider-Man's life. It's like, do you all know what kind of shitty has been through his personal life?
Truggled a lot. Like, yeah, Tony may have been an alcoholic, but I'll take that over.
Like the the mental torture that Spider-Man's had.
Next time is DSK. His dick sucking knees.
The effect that performing he spelled fellatio wrong, by the way, he's like fellatio fellatio.
On the person has on the performers knees, the knees tend to develop irritation from kneeling for an extended period of time.
You know, you sit down, right? Crisscross apples.
It's gonna be a while.
Next one is Chukaka. It's Chewbacca's gay brother.
This one is your mom is a your mom is like a taxi and he did well. Your mom is like a taxi.
Do you know why? Because I write her all day. That's right.
All right. Whatever. Everybody has to pay the fare.
You gotta pay that fee.
Next one is a word that seems so offensive, but it's called Dami Mommy.
Now, these are your fetishes coming out here. You want a Dami Mommy?
Not really. A gentle dominant woman, a woman who will hold you until you come.
A woman that will spoon you when you're cold and kiss your neck to make you a shiver.
A woman that will love you for who you are while saying having wonderful quality of dominance that a subby male craves. Subby male.
A woman that will let you have her tits as a willow.
Sounds like fun, I guess.
A woman that will wrap you in her thighs or sit on your face and make you feel loved and wanted.
A perfect woman.
Last one is Buckle Bunny. You ever heard of that one? It's a female groupie or rodeo catboys.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I want to see if I can become the fastest gun in the West.
Like, I feel like I gotta like, if I have a weighted gun, right, that weighs twice what my regular gun was, I just quick draw that some bitch.
You have to, it's not only being a quick draw, right, but also accurate aim.
Yes.
The minute that gun comes out, you gotta hit that bulls eye, boom.
What was that one lady's name that was part of the Wild West with Wild Bill and all them?
Annie Oakley.
Yeah, where she could shoot a silver dollar out of the air.
Allegedly.
No, she really could. I mean, there's like actual accounts of it, so.
I mean, you can only give so much credence, but.
And it has a lot.
If I remember right, I think Mythbusters did it at like a, they tried to see if they could do it.
You can do it. Just saying, easy.
But they had a quick draw guy that could do it.
Yeah. Be fun though to be a quick draw guy.
I guess it's due to our American like upbringing, cause like it just, the whole cowboy aesthetic is so
ingrained in our society.
Yeah.
Just being able to shoot a gun like for the quickest draw, bam, put that bitch back.
You know what's really funny is, do you know how long the Wild West actually was?
Probably like 40 years.
30, that's it.
Not even that long. Not even that long.
It's got so much iconography behind it and everything, but it wasn't even that long of a time period.
He's been shooting a lot of guns out.
But watch it too much.
The movie that really, well, it wasn't a movie.
It was Red Dead Redemption 2 that really brought the cowboy aesthetic as a real interest to me.
No, it was your Mexican heritage.
Not really.
Every Mexican I know on the South Side has a pair of cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.
Yeah, but none of them are.
And they shoot guns on the birthday, so.
Ain't none of them me.
I can't be this fucking just like I just drip with Chattismo.
Chattismo.
It's the chorizo coming out of your boar.
You just drip with it.
She goes shooting someday.
Just be blasting guns all day.
Yeah, we need to.
There's a range not too far from your house.
Cool.
Well, that's it for Urban Dictionary.
That's it for Urban Dictionary?
No, I bet it was a down kick today.
I am exhausted.
We are streaming.
We are recording late.
I worked all day.
I fuck all night.
Hey, we work long hours, okay?
He works at a different business than I do, but.
One of them, William.
William de Marriott.
Yeah.
I mean, too many people.
All right, moving on to our breakdown for the week, we have Akame Gakiel.
Ever heard of this one?
Yeah.
It's all the chick with the superpowers.
Well, someway, yeah.
Sounds familiar, yeah.
Yeah, let's call the chick though.
Akame.
Like black hair, right?
Yeah, and no sub.
All right, so episode one is called Kill the Darkness.
I do that every day.
The darkness in your soul.
Yeah, I have to.
A cost of battle between good and evil in my personal being.
So a swordsman named Tatsumi travels to the capital in hopes of raising money for his impoverished village.
After he is robbed by a blonde girl in a tavern, damn, he is forced to flee from the streets.
But he is soon invited by a rich girl named Aria to stay at her manor.
While waiting for his friends or his best friends, Sayo and Iyusa, sorry, how do I pronounce that?
Iyusu?
Yeah, you only see the name once or twice in the anime, so it's not like it's a recurring character.
But he's waiting on them to arrive to the capital as well.
Tatsumi learns of Night Raid, a group of assassins known to attack at night.
Hence the name Night Raid.
Come nightfall, Night Raid appears at the manor and kills Aria's guards and parents.
During this time, Tatsumi shields Aria while facing off against Night Raid's member Akame.
Only to be interrupted by Night Raid member Leone, the blonde girl from the tavern.
Leone reveals to Tatsumi that Aria and her parents have tortured several people from the countryside,
including his friends, with Sayo already dead.
Damn.
Tatsumi kills Aria without hesitation or mercy.
The girl that he was just protecting, he just kills her.
Just before his other friend dies.
Eat.
So Leone invites Tatsumi to join Night Raid against his will.
It's like, you know what, you killed the girl that we were supposed to kill, so.
Wait, why'd he kill her?
Because she killed his friends.
Ah, okay, okay.
Locked in this like, like other building.
Well damn, that was quick.
With torture and shit like that.
So yeah.
Episode 2 is called Kill the Authority.
So Leone...
Eyes up!
So Leone takes Tatsumi to the hideout of the Night Raid and introduces him to the other members,
all of whom Tatsumi views as freaks.
He's like, he's like, he's like, fucking freaks.
Night Raid leader Naginda convinces Tatsumi to join Night Raid.
Since it is their mission to open a shitty superhero team,
like part of Night Raid,
driving other superheroes,
well, assassins.
Like the fucking B-Team of a superhero.
Justice League International.
I thought that was a horrible series.
It just, like we're the Wonder Woman in that even?
Oh my god, do you remember that?
No, I don't remember a little about it.
It's like the B-Team, wasn't like a Justice League tax force that was like, always on secret missions?
Yeah.
And there was like a guy that was like, always like, he used to be a bad guy, but he became a good guy.
So there was a few of those.
Like Major Disaster or something, I forgot what he's called.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Where he, I think he really was a Major in the Army or something like that, yeah.
Oh.
DC has done some things, but nothing can be as bad as the New 52.
So I'll always consider that to be the worst thing ever to happen.
Alright, so Naginda assigns Akame to train Tatsumi,
as Tatsumi ends up merely cooking and fishing the entire time.
So they fought?
Tatsumi is later given the assignment to assassinate the corrupt captain of the Imperial Police named Ogre,
while often framed innocent people as criminals.
Who often framed innocent people as criminals?
At night, Tatsumi finds Ogre in the streets, where they draw swords on each other.
Where Ogre becomes arrogant, Tatsumi kills Ogre with the slash of one, one slash from his sword.
As Akake Tatsumi reports back to the hideout, Akame does a strip search of him, making sure he is not wounded.
She's looking just about home.
I gotta strip search everything.
Strip search about here.
Since he has survived thus far, she accepts him as a member of Night Raid at this point.
Episode 3, Kill Your Carers
So Naginda dispatches Night Raid to take down eight tribal assassins trying to invade the hideout.
The next morning, Tatsumi is assigned to train the Night Raid member, Mine.
While roaming the streets, Tatsumi becomes frustrated because he is mainly shopping around town with Mine for some clothes the entire time.
Huh.
So they spend the entire time just shopping for clothes.
Just fill her up a sec.
Later on, they witness the Prime Minister Honest ordering the execution of a man who thought that...
who saw through Minister Honest's true colors.
The tyrannical de facto ruler of the Empire.
Later on, Naginda sends Night Raid on a mission to assassinate Yoko, a distant blood relative of Prime Minister Honest of the Empire.
Yoko is responsible for kidnapping women, women and abusing them to death.
At the mansion, Tatsumi watches as Mine uses her Imperial Arms Pumpkin, a powerful rifle gun...
to snipe Yoko to death.
Jesus.
I'm gonna snipe him to death. You know I'm not snipping an angel.
Despite Yoko being surrounded by innocent women, he captured.
Tatsumi also listens to the story of how Mine was abused in her childhood for her half foreign blood...
and ran away to join the Revolutionary Army in hope that no one else would suffer the same discrimination and torture that she had done.
What year is this set in?
It's a fantasy world. So it's not...
Oh.
Historical.
The last one of the five bodyguards ambushes Tatsumi and Mine, having escaped from being killed by the rest of the members of Night Raid.
Tatsumi restrains the bodyguard, giving Mine the opportunity to snipe.
However, Tatsumi is upset that Mine grazed his hair whenever with her shot.
It's like...
Fucking hair.
Beautiful hair. Luscious locks.
Because he's like that main character of like... where he's got the kind of hair like Yu-Gi-Oh! would have or something.
He's not colored or anything.
He's got the way ass fucking hair.
They just have a certain style of their hair.
She fucked it up.
Episode 4 is called Kill the Imperial Arms User.
So the members of the Night Raid discuss about their next target, the infamous Zankuu, a former executioner who became addicted to beheading several victims at night.
Eesh.
Naginde explains to Tatsumi about the origin of the Imperial Arms.
Powerful relics that are wielded of each of the members of Night Raid all currently possess one.
The Imperial Arms are so lethal that if two wielders choose to duel, one of them will ultimately perish no matter what happens.
D-d-d-d-duel.
Eeeeww.
In the streets, Tatsumi and Akame pair up and find Zankuu.
Tatsumi is led away by an illusion of Sayo, one of his friends that died.
Soon falling into a trap set by Zankuu who uses his Imperial Arms Spectator, a headpiece that grants precognition to predict every attack.
Damn.
Tch.
Akame finds Tatsumi whenever he becomes wounded and takes his place to battle Zankuu alone.
Zankuu tries to trick Akame by creating the illusion of Akame's younger sister, Kurome.
Akame quickly destroys the illusion and then kills Zankuu, using her Imperial Arms Murosami, a sword with a poisonous blade.
He, uh, rests in peace, uh, now that he is no longer driven mad by the voices of the executed victims.
Damn.
So her, uh, her relic is a sword. A poisonous bladed sword.
Episode 5 is called Kill the Dream.
So we've already killed the Imperial Army.
Apparently.
That's how every title starts to kill.
Kill the Dream is the title of this for episode 5.
Tatsumi is surprised that he will be training under Night Raid member, Shile, for the day.
After Tatsumi learns how to swim while in a suit of armor, Shile mentions her inability to do various chores, which explains her clumsiness.
Shile first discovered her abilities as an assassin whenever she rescued her best friend by killing her best friend's ex-boyfriend.
Aye, sir.
But later Tatsumi tries on Zankuu's recovered spectator, but it rejects him whenever he attempts to activate it.
Because they kind of have a mind of their own.
The, the relics do.
Uh, the top priority of Night Raid is to collect every Imperial Arms known in existence, which are all documented in a book.
However, Tatsumi is upset upon learning that none are capable of resurrecting the deceased.
The next day, Tatsumi becomes separated from Leon while patrolling the marketplace.
He is aided back to the marketplace by Sir U, Ubiquitous of the Imperial Police.
Ubiquitous?
Yes.
Who possess the Imperial Arms, uh, uh, what's that word that you said you wouldn't know how to pronounce if you said, if you seen it?
Hecatocles or whatever it is?
Oh, Hecatonchores.
Yeah, that's the name of it.
It is?
Hecatonchore.
Hmm, interesting.
A dog-like, uh, pet named Kuru. Uh, when she runs off, Sir U intends to seek to kill all of the Night Raid for the death of her mentor revealed to be Ogre.
Episode 6, Kill the Absolute Justice.
Tatsumi and Leon infiltrate a temple to assassinate the gang of dreaded smugglers who have incapacitated and drugged a large group of women.
Leon uses her Imperial Arms, uh, Lionel, a belt which gives her feline-like abilities to take out the gang.
Meanwhile, Mine and Shilei are ambushed by Sir U, in which her Kuro can regenerate and increase in size.
While Mine uses Pumpkin, this big-ass rifle that she named Pumpkin, to attack Kuro, Shilei uses her Imperial Arms, uh, X-Tace, a pair of giant scissors to chop off Sir U's arms.
So that's her Imperial Arms, a giant pair of scissors.
It's an odd choice.
Although it is revealed that Sir U was concealing guns inside of her arms, Shilei deflects the gunshot and slices off the guns.
Kuro goes berserk, grabbing Mine and nearly crushing her to death.
So it's basically a fight scene at this point.
Uh, when Shilei rescues Mine, Sir U fires a shot from a gun concealed in her mouth.
Shilei.
Gross as packing everywhere, huh?
This bitch has guns everywhere.
She bends over and her fucking candy comes out her ass.
It wouldn't be surprising.
Mine watches in horror as Kuro bites Shilei in half.
Shilei is able to use X-Tace to emit a blinding light as her trump card, allowing Mine to flee as Shilei is, uh, is killed after being devoured by Kuro.
As it rains, the other members of Night Raid are in shock whenever Mine informs them of the death of Shilei.
Episode 7. So one of the Night Raid members have died at this point.
Damn.
Episode 7.
Such good people.
Sure.
Episode 7 is called, uh, Kill the Three.
Alright, so the Emperor of the Empire orders General Ezdeth of the Empire to hunt down Night Raid in exchange for a marital suitor.
Tatsumi, assuming that Akame is calm and composed ever since the death of Shilei, is surprised that Akame has been utterly devastated.
Which gives him the ambition of protecting her and staying alive.
Ezdeth dispatches the three beasts, uh, Daedara, Nyao, and Liver.
Nyao.
N-Y-A-U.
Nyao.
An elite group of Imperial arms users to take out Prime Minister Chori and his daughter Spear from the Northern Tribe, who were political rivals against Honest.
The three beasts then spread flyers to frame Night Raid for the murders.
Nagenda sends Tatsumi and Night Raid member Bula- uh, Bulat aboard a massive luxury liner.
There, uh, Nyao uses her Imperial- Nyao.
Her Imperial arms scream, a flute that weakens those who hear its melody, but Tatsumi resists its sound.
Tatsumi is then confronted by, uh, Daedara, who uses his Imperial arms, Belvarch, an axe that splits into two blades.
Balut, uh, or, uh, Bula-
Bula-
He's the guy that has one of those, uh, those, like, spiral hair things that come out at the front that they were-
Little Shae, yeah.
They- they try to give, like, the gangster type, Kyr- yeah.
So Bula- intervenes and uses his Imperial arms, uh, and Kyr-sio, a sealed white sword that releases, uh, into a suit of armor.
It's all like a fucking Harry Potter spell, like, Kyr-sio!
To kill Daedara, Bula- recognizes Liver as a formal general of the Imperial police.
Episode 8, Kill the Three, Part 2.
Liver uses his Imperial arms, Black Marine, a ring that controls any form of liquid in which Bula- has the disadvantage due to being surrounded by an ocean.
Cause they're on a- on a cruise liner base.
I hope.
Meanwhile, Tatsumi fights against Nyao.
Nyao?
That was very quick.
I'm gonna find you now?
I'm gonna fight Nyao.
Nyao?
But you'd rather fight somebody now, and I'll fight someone now.
I gotta fight Nyao now!
It was very quick on his feet.
Liver unleashes a special attack which causes Bulaat and Liver's Imperial arms to wear out due to critical damage.
After Bulaat turns down Liver's offer to join Esdeth's army, Bulaat and Liver engage in a sword fight to the finish.
Bulaat manages to mortally wound Liver, who dies after revealing that he joined Esdeth because of his respect and admiration for her.
Bulaat realizes that Liver injected poison into his blood as a last resort, in which Liver manipulated his spilled blood to pierce through Bulaat, since this person could use, like, control liquids.
So they po- they- they po- Liver poisoned Bulaat's blood, basically.
As Nyao used to scream to bulk up his body, Bulaat entrusts Incursio to Tatsumi, who successfully activates it and manages to kill Nyao.
He kills Nyao.
Damn.
Bulaat-
He's my favorite character.
Bulaat succumbs to his wounds soon after, and Tatsumi sorrowfully mourns.
What was really funny is Bulaat had a, uh, crush on Tatsumi.
He pr- he was constantly trying to be around it.
How you doing, girl?
Even though they're both dudes.
How you doing, bro?
Alright, so episode 9 is called Kill the Last for Co- uh, Kill the Lust for Combat.
So, as Mine has her arm fully recovered, she sees Tatsumi and the Night Raid member Lubbock doing pushups with Akame and Lyon, literally on their backs.
Maginda assigns-
They do a pushup on their back.
With Akame and Lyon, they're on their back.
Oh, on their back, okay.
Yeah, but they're not just on their backs figuratively, they're on their backs.
Literally.
Maginda assigns Akame as temporary leader before planning to leave to recruit new members.
Meanwhile, the Jaegers-
Wave, Kurama-
Uh, uh, uh, like-
Jaegun?
Buh.
Wave, Kurame, Sarayu, Dr. Stylish-
Run and Boles.
Dr. Stylish has the best name of the group.
Assemble and Ezdeth brutally introduces herself as a leader of the group, whose mission is to hunt down the enemies of the Empire.
Lubbock invites Tatsumi and Lyon into his library, where he explains that Maginda was disgusted with Ezdeth's excessive cruelty against the Southwestern Tribal Army many years ago.
Ezdeth sponsors a tournament, secretively to find her marital suitor.
Tatsumi enters the tournament under the guise of a blacksmith.
Tatsumi flawlessly kills a bullheaded opponent in the arena and wins the tournament.
Ezdeth suddenly becomes infatuated with his power-
Uh, problem.
All is victory.
Yeah.
As she approaches him, she shackles him and takes him inside the palace.
Doesn't speak, will ask to have-
Akame, Lyon, Maginda, Lubbock-
Screams could be heard throughout the court.
Just the-
That's all you hear?
Uh, Maginda and Lubbock learn about this and discuss whether or not they should rescue Tatsumi.
Ezdeth and the Jaegers raid and destroy the fortress of bandits, and Tatsumi is forced to watch.
Later-
I don't know, I don't know, I'm forced to watch.
Is that an off to me?
Yeah.
Later, as Ez- as Ezdeth tries to get intimate with Tatsumi in her bedroom, Tatsumi resists temptation and tries to convince her to join his side.
Well-
However, she slaps him.
I bless you, man, when I've slapped this cock clean.
She will never change for him, despite his debate that the Empire is corrupt.
The next day, Ezdeth assigns Tatsumi and Wave to the western part of the mountains, tasking them to take a group of tree- to take out a group of tree beasts.
Although Tatsumi uses Incursio to escape into the forest, Wave uses his Imperial arm's Grand Shariat, a sealed-like sword that releases into a suit of armor to follow Tatsumi.
Releasing into a suit of armor?
Jesus.
After Tatsumi manages to swiftly run away, he encounters a Jack-o-Leo.
A Jack-o-Leo? What the hell's a Jack-o-Leo? Is that a jaguar with corn horns or what?
Monster.
Huh.
Akame kills the Jack-o-Leo, while Lubbock takes Tatsumi and Akame back into the mountains.
At the palace, Ezdeth punishes Wave brick by brick for allowing Tatsumi to-
I'll build that ship brick by brick.
Yet Ezdeth is still determined to get Tatsumi back.
At the library, Tatsumi tells Akame, Leon, Mayan, and Lubbock about Ezdeth and the Yeagers.
So he's given them all the information at this point.
Episode 11 is called Kill the Mad Scientists.
Dr. Stylish and Team Stylish-
My favorite character.
And Team Stylish-
Team Stylish-
He has to have a team.
I thought she looked so fabulous.
Hana, Kaku, Mei, Mimi, Tobi, and Truma find the attack and hideout of Nihraed.
Tatsumi struggles to fight Kaku-
No. He doesn't struggle to fight Kaku.
I struggle every day to fight Kaku.
Who is in possession of Shilei's X-Tays, the scissors.
But Mind steps in and uses Pumpkin to blast him down.
Meanwhile, Akame battles Tobi, whose mechanical body is equipped with guns and swords.
Lubbock uses his Imperial Arms Cross Tail, a reel of strings that can be manipulated-
I turned into a pseudonym arm.
That's what he does.
To form a spear and stab Tobi in the chest.
Truma tries to attack Mind from behind.
It's the only way you can play Dark Souls.
You can get behind him.
But Leon intercepts with a surprise attack and kills him with a single blow.
Dr. Stylish's foot soldiers surround Tatsumi, Akame, Leon, Mind, and Lubbock.
And all but Tatsumi are afflicted by Dr. Stylish's paralytic poison injected into the foot soldiers.
Paralytic.
Yeah.
Nijinda rides on an air manta and dispatches Susanoo.
Not Naruto's Sanoo either.
I'm so confused with all these names.
Lots of motherfuckers.
Amazing.
Yeah, well, I don't know what the fuck's going on.
Who easily defeats the foot soldiers.
Soon, Dr. Stylish-
Soon after, Dr. Stylish injects himself with a vial that transforms him into a danger beast.
A gigantic beast basically.
A danger beast as opposed to what?
A non-danger beast?
A few.
And he consumes Hana, Mi, and Mimi to become even stronger.
After Susanoo is unable to attack, Tatsumi, Akame, and Mind work together to kill Dr. Stylish's human body inside of the danger beast.
Oh, Dr. Stylish, you have a fair character.
And the last episode that we'll cover today, because there's 24 episodes total, episode 12 is Kill the Newcomers.
What happened to Dr. Stylish?
He's dead.
Dr. Stylish wasn't Stylish enough.
Damn.
So Tatsumi, Akame, Leon, Mind, and Lubbock are introduced to Chelsea and Susanoo.
Nijinda's newest recruit and a humanoid Imperial Arms.
Meanwhile, Ezdev Comforts serve you over the death of Dr. Stylish.
He's my favorite character.
Tatsumi and Leon take out a horde of marked dons in the forest.
Marked dons?
Cocks would like tattoos?
Marked dons?
Chelsea uses her Imperial Arms Gaia Foundation.
It turns into a marver.
A cosmetic box that allows her to take on any appearance to change into a cat and steal cake from Mind.
A cat can turn into a suit of armor.
Chelsea later berates Night Raid for being incompetent, mentioning the deaths of Sheelei and Bulat.
Mind convinces Tatsumi and Lubbock to teach Chelsea a lesson for what she has said about them.
Lubbock tells Tatsumi to sneak up on Chelsea while she is bathing in the hot springs bath.
Don't do that.
It turns out that Chelsea uses Gaia Foundation to take on the appearance of Susanoo to confuse Tatsumi at first.
She reveals to be the only survivor of her former team that was massacred in the past, hence why she berated Night Raid in the first place.
Not because she hates them, but because she wants them to do better and not die.
Elsewhere, Ez death is told by Run, another character, about a list of lookalikes of Tatsumi.
But she declares that there is only one Tatsumi whom she loves.
She still laughs.
She wants little bro's dick that bad.
Thirsty girl.
She's like, nobody else is good enough. It must be Tatsumi.
Ah, sound questionable thirst.
We'll cover the larger.
She's like a spin-off for Dr. Sty...
Who is Dr. Stylus?
Who is Dr. Stylus doing Dr. Stylus stuff?
It's the only Dr. Stylus can do.
I'm surprised Oda hasn't made a spin-off of what's his name from One Piece.
Uh...Vagapunk? Isn't that his name?
Vagapunk?
Yeah.
It's surprising that they haven't made a spin-off for that.
I doubt they will.
There's already fucking 60,000 episodes.
It just keeps going.
He just ain't got time. He doesn't have the time anymore.
He's probably like...he is probably...
Let me get a little bit offensive here.
He's probably rock hard to get to that finale.
Imagine you have something in your head that only you know about for 20-something years.
He's been edging for a long time.
He is fucking rock. So he just wants to get the fucking burst all over the planet.
Ha ha ha ha.
Man, those fucking next few panels of...
When those fucking chapters come out and we find out what the One Piece really is...
It's gonna crash the fucking internet.
Yeah. Yeah, it really will.
Like the fucking One Piece.
Well look, in Naruto they killed off Kurama.
Did you see that?
I don't know who that is.
The fox.
Oh, they did?
Yeah, he's dead.
Motherfucker.
Yeah?
It's my favorite character.
Kurama.
Yeah, every character's favorite character.
Yeah, you noticed that huh?
I noticed a long time ago, yeah.
Well, I guess we'll find out what the One Piece really is.
Hopefully in our lifetime.
Just don't hold your breath.
Your skeleton's still gonna be holding his breath waiting for Oda.
But yeah, we'll finish the other half of it next week.
Yeah.
Cool.
Alright, moving on to Reddit Insanity for this week.
Got a few?
My nose is hurting, but...
Mr. Reddit Insanity's nose is fucked up.
Got any allergies?
By time of the year, spring.
Yeah.
Alrighty, first one is by Nebula Vagabonds.
So tell us what...
If you don't want to whisper, I'll crack my best to you.
I can get my breath out.
Alright, this person fits.
Take my boyfriend.
Ha ha ha ha.
Took my boyfriend out to eat at the InsaneRat...
At this insane restaurant with a view.
Candlelight, and a $90 steak.
$90 steak?
That bitch better be the whole fucking thing.
My plan was to sweep him off of his feet, so that I might get lucky for once.
Yes, I do go above and beyond just to get him in the mood.
Yeah, what is it?
Well, wait, whaa?
This is because the meds he is on are decreasing his sex drive.
Hi, poor man.
Anyway, I would there's no level of medication. I wouldn't know care what it's for
This don't dance. I don't take the pills
So anyway, we would we got when we got home from the restaurant I did indeed get lucky
I made out with him for a while then laid on his stomach and reached for the lube
But we hadn't had any in ages. So I guess I got too excited because right before going in
I said something along the lines of I'm about to fuck the demons out of you. Huh? It's a good line
Next thing I know
Next thing I know though. My nexus is grown by the noctum d without your pussy
The next use be outside
Well
Next thing I know next thing I know though. My boyfriend was sitting up on the bed visibly in distress
This is because he has had paranoid schizophrenia and he hauls around a trauma. That's to explain the pills
Hauls around the trauma of his super religious parents hammering it in it
Hammering it into him that he is possessed and trying to exercise him
I was aware of this but I honestly didn't have his medical condition in mind whenever I said it
I just said it and then he to the moment needless to say I did not get sex
which is even more of a bummer because we sort of in a rough patch and
I have been saving up to even be able to take him to the fancy restaurant. How it just sucks
Oh, you done fucked it up on that one, didn't you?
Wonder how the relationship works
But now what she's the one that goes and pays that one dude
He's the one that sits there and watches
That was her
Weird
That'd be weird
It's just a like never-ending fucking saga these two god damn people
All right. Next one is by
Dav t4
This person puts I live in a rural area with quite a bit of underdeveloped land rural rural
I can't have that word rural rural. They knew what they were doing when they made that word
They knew it was gonna be country people saying it
Rural area
In the past I've had problems with rattlesnakes, especially this time of the year as their temperature warms
Thanks. God dang. I'd lose my shit
As I was driving home last night, I came across a fairly large king snake in the road for those not familiar with king snakes
They are proficient hunter of other snakes, especially rattlesnakes
Interesting. Mm-hmm. I have a bucket with a little card and cannibal. Yeah
Well, not cannibal. They don't need to sell
because in the sake of steak
He needs other snakes and still cannibalism. I mean chimps eat monkeys. Have you seen that? Those are apes. Those are monkey
Sassy different. I could beat any monkey in a fight. I can't beat an ape
You can't reach a band. It'll guide that way
They're like you're anything that drives that golf cart. No, you can't beat an ape in a fight. I
Have a bucket with a lid in the car and gently guided the king snake into it when I got home
I released him on a portion of the property where we have encountered rattlesnakes in the past and wished it happy hunting
He's like, okay
I've been waiting about the road. He goes back home and like the next day he finds the king snakes head
I like that on this on this porch, right with a warning from the rattlesnakes
A few hours later my wife and I were grilling and she went out to pull the chicken off the grill
I hear her scream and the sound of the plate dropping
She runs back inside yelling that there is a snake on the patio. I tell her that it might be the king snake
I released earlier. Maybe you never know
Seriously, you don't think you should tell me whenever you release a snake on our property
Apparently no, whatever the best apparently no was not the best answer
Next one is by re six
Re six or I I I I I I I six
First of all, it's so angry right now
First of all, it's my girlfriend and I made Mexican food for dinner tonight and she has a lower spice tolerance than me
So we made the food a little more mild and I heaped multiple jalapeno slices on my plate later
jalapeno slices
jalapeno
Much later in the night. I'm going down on her. She's having a great time. Then suddenly
Yeah, we're gonna fucking ruin her vagina
What's your fucking mouth who is suddenly instead of pulling my head towards her?
She's putting away saying how many jalapenos do you eat? I think it's burning
One frantic toothbrush and in two freaked out showers later. She is currently laying spread eagle on the bed with ice
There for the wrong kind of spicy reasons whispering. I can't believe you burned my vagina
Oh
Yes
But shit happens also. No, don't cut up jalapeno then fucking take a piss
Wash your hands for you
This is speaking from experience. No, no, you're very smart. You know, you don't want to touch yourself after never done that now
Yeah
All right. Next one is by
My a Tiberium leader spurs and puts this week
I'm eating my girlfriend's family and staying with her mom and uncle in the country
It is also the first time I'm meeting them as my girlfriend and I and I met in a country
And it met in my country and have been together for approximately 10 months on the first day there
We landed yesterday late night. I decided to drop the kids in the pool
My girlfriend was still in bed whenever I went to and her mom was eating breakfast in the living room
It was big dump and I tried to flush but it wouldn't go down. I decided to try again. I'm still nope
Damn, in other words in a fucking flush. I won't go down in a fucking house. You don't live in the best start to panic
Exactly. We all fuck and I wait until the water is fully replenished and press it down at that moment
I hear my girlfriend and mom talking
Like though you just like your ear just like every every noise in the house is like your ears is more adaptive hearing
The most right, you know, I mean, yeah
Meaning I can't ask my girlfriend or her with help without for help without notifying the mom
I panic inside her text my girlfriend that I need help, but I hear her phone ring in her bedroom
I'm gonna do key. Well, yeah, I then decided to go to get get her in a subtle way when her mom went to the kitchen
She is like god damn
It and she goes with me to the toilet. She flushes it and still stuck obviously
She walks away into her shit. So she walks away to her mom at this point
I realized I should have just been up front immediately as now. It looks like I'm hiding behind my girlfriend
The mom says it's absolutely no problem and gather supplies to unclog the toilet and goes to get groceries as she was planning
So do lies
But shit you need a fucking plug a toilet
The unclogging doesn't work with this vlog. God dang man. What did you fucking just dump a god dang?
neighborhood breaker like I did
Yeah
So my girlfriend is like I'll call my dad because the uncle is also not home
He the dad goes in there like he opens up the fucking toilet, right? He's like god damn it
You know shit like that since now
Now you need to know that I have never met her dad either he lives in a different country entirely parents are divorced
How many fucking people living there? I kind of have the we are nations in this house
So I hear her dad and his girlfriend laugh with my girlfriend over the phone and in their language
Well, God dang funny. Well, so I'm still working on the toilet
At that point. I realized I need to laugh with her
I'm like I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go clean on the toilet at that point. I realized I need to laugh with them or else
It's just gonna turn awkward. So I introduced myself and tell them that I
Tell them both and we start to have a good laugh. He tells me that the toilet has never clogged before
Yeah broke my fucking bathroom
But advises to cut the turns
Odd
Yeah, that's all I do. Unfortunately, it works. Thank God. I flush and clean a every kind of way. He doesn't say he just gets a knife
for the kitchen gets the bones on and they just fucking a nasty fucking thing I
Flesh and clean everything with my girlfriend and we laugh in the meantime after everything is clean
I come to realize that I shit so much on the first day of meeting both her parent that I include that I clogged the toilet
And I'll be here. We established that already and I'll be hearing this for the rest of my life
From her her parents uncle and siblings forever known as the big pooper
Hey, they go to the family holidays, right? They tell all their kids
You dirty bastards
He needs to go get a poop knife like that one person had from that story a long time ago
Yeah, you remember the poof knife story, don't you? Yeah that weird at where he thought you musta musta
Good. He mistook a
Specific item in a friend's house to be an also on like also like oh everyone has a food knife in that night down
Everybody's supposed to have a poop knife or anything
It's like mmm
No, I don't know how many horrendous shits your family has to have to incorporate a fucking knife
bathroom routine
You don't do that come on Jesus Christ
Yeah, yeah
Alrighty and the next one is a a relationship advice post on reddit. We're those
Please say go I was so good at giving advice to people again. You may have heard this one
I don't know yet cuz it's been going around recently, but what did you take on Bucca? All right
So this person pits this might be a long post and it is I can attest to that. It is a long deal is I
Am at a loss on what I should do. Hello
Don't worry, I
I met my husband whenever I was 20 at a gym. I was trying to lose some weight
He eventually noticed that I was sticking to my New Year's resolution
Two months later we were dating learn that he was from Indiana
And he had been stationed in Texas for just over two years at this point
Eventually, he met my family and my parents instantly liked him
My two younger sisters took a bit longer to woo over but my older brother and him clashed over sports and loved to trash-talk each other
so
All in all my family's family. What I'm kind of fucking her brother
He was incredibly patient and kept me motivated not to go to the gym
And kept me motivated not only at the gym but in school as well. He had to work late on his birthday 9 p.m
So I took him out to Buffalo Wild Wings. How late at all to not particularly know to me
So I took him out to Buffalo Wild Wings for his birthday and we had a great time
I had also set up a surprise birthday party for him the next day his actual birthday
Nothing extravagant, but his two roommates the lady
I thought that he was dating and the other co-worker of theirs
Were immediately on board and had told him that they were going on a trip for the weekend
She'd be the lady. He thought he was dead
One of the housemates he thought she thought he was dating her yeah
Yeah, she thought he was dating her whenever they first met that's it. She just kind of breeze do that
Like no context whatsoever. I was weird. Yeah
So they told him that they were going on a couple's trip for the weekend, okay, that's what he thinks already
My family wanted to come and be there for the surprise and cake before heading home and a handful of other friends
Everything was in place and the plan was that we would hide behind the door and jump on his back and cover his eyes
Then the lights would come on and everyone would yell. I'm fucking getting by lose this shit. Start swinging on everybody
Looking back that was such a dumb idea, but it sounded funny at the time
I heard his truck pull into the driveway and everyone hid it was almost pitch black in the house
He opens the door and shuts it and takes a few steps in and I jump on his back
I was fucking swinging on me everything happened so fast
I was immediately flipped over and slammed onto the ground as the lights came on
I felt the sharp intense pain in my shoulder and my earverine
That was horrible. He was horrified at what happened and my brother and dad started yelling at him
He was trying to help and my mother and his roommates had to get between him my father and brother
He just kept apologizing to me
So we spent his birthday in the ER. I had a separated shoulder and a broken collarbone
I was initially furious at him for doing that and didn't want him to be around me
So he sat in the waiting room, but then my brother and father had calmed down and realized it realized it for what it was
What was he supposed to think walking into a house believing it to be empty and get jumped on from behind?
I'll fucking let go of the clevel
Yeah, cook cook and he's a military vet
And he's a military vet. Yeah, exactly why I thought that would be a bad idea. Yeah
Fucking stupid. So eventually I agreed to let him come back in and he immediately started to cry and tell me how sorry he was
That he I would never do that to me again. Unless you come on back again unawares. I
Want to make this clear to everyone reading this this was no way his fault
Yeah, I didn't think it was like you don't have to put it into writing. I I read it and didn't think it was his fault
It was a natural reaction and I wish I had never jumped on his back
He struggled more than I did to put this behind us
But I kept the up with this my school work and we continued to grow close over the next year
I would listen to him vent about work and he would do the same for me about my schoolwork
We went on weekend trips sometimes just us and sometimes with friends
Sorry, I'm trying to keep this short. No, you're not. Oh
But how could they what the what the part of the advice that she wants you will get to it because
just
She's gonna cut out all of that. Yes, she could have well
It has nothing to do with shortening it will put it had nothing to do with the question
The part of it does part of it, but okay, she's added that part
Sorry, I'm trying to keep this short, but I have so many happy memories that I want to share
But I'll get to the reason why I'm posting this eventually. He asked me to marry him and it was a no-brainer
He was and still is the love of my life and the only man for me
We got married in a small ceremony with family and a few friends when his second enlistment ended
We decided the opportunity for him to be
The opportunity for him as a civilian air traffic controller was a guy too good to pass up
So going for the military to air traffic controller, so brutal ass job air traffic control
Yeah, and I've seen some of the people training for it. So the don't fly
You know, that's a scary part
It was hard for him to say goodbye to the Air Force, but he wanted us to finally settle down we had to move
We had a move between our wedding and when he finally left the service
By then I was working and he had a very large
amount saved up as
He waited to find out where the FAA wanted him to go. We stayed with my brother and his wife back in my hometown
Eventually, he got the email and to our surprise he would be working fairly close to where
See
blah blah blah
He'd be working fairly close to where we already were so how far went no problem
He knew how much I had missed my hometown. So we decided to buy a house and he would commute almost an hour and a half
Each way. It was a huge sacrifice on his part
2020 happened and I lost my job, but my husband made more than enough to cover my lost wages
We weren't getting any younger and I just we decided decided to start a family
It took a bit but eventually I got pregnant and we had a wonderful two-year-old son
Let's me other not Mexican
What I think about time at all
You know eight of them by that three sets of triplets basically he mankins a fuck
First year was you think I'm joking. They're like you go you go you work at retail
You see how like one mom with like 15 fucking kids. Yeah, it's not a joke. It's definitely not a joke
We just be fucking pumping children out
Just pumping in general if you ever need to send to start a space force and send us to fight like
Extraterrestrials just send us the Mexicans. We can replenish our losses real quick Mexican and Chinese
How we did before unstoppable?
Oh
God imagine the strain of a Mexican Chinese person
Be a bunch of kids be highly fucking functional for sure
So first year was a struggle for us
Both as we tried to adapt parenthood my husband struggled more than I did, but I helped him
If you have kept up with the news, the FAA is short-staffed with not enough controller. So my head up with the news
What am I?
Maybe the random and music you love when yeah, I got a little bit listen in place. Ah
Wow
What would I do by the random escape? I don't why I find out somebody
She's very long-winded obviously
So
Yeah, so my husband works mandatory overtime and usually most shifts are 10 hours
legally the
Riton got day and 10 hours legally the max and each Wednesday he gets off work at 11 p.m
And how he is working late. Yeah, and has to be back to work at 8 a.m
That's most five hours of sleep if he drove home. So on those nights, he sleeps over at a co-worker's house. I look male
not and
He has a
Parallel and dirty he is offered to make the drive, but I don't want him driving tired or working tired either
It's like you want those planes crashed. No
Honestly, it did suck on those nights whenever he wasn't home and our son just wouldn't sleep
He encouraged me to reconnect with old friends that I have which leaves us to the reason of the for this post
What old friend to seek reconnect with
It turns out not like that. So what old friend is she what old friend he reconnect with who's fucking who and why?
It's not even that that's the scary part
scary
Two weeks ago. I met up with some old girlfriends for a playdate to in which
Our kids crawl around on the floor. Basically
Most of the most were complaining about their husbands fiancees or boyfriends not help helping around the house
I do most of the housework, but my husband has always helped me whenever he is home
I changed the subject and asked one of my friends. I'll call Lana Lana
How often does her daughter wake up in the middle of the night?
This eventually led to me telling them that my husband stays near his work on
Wednesdays and some of those nights were rough on me, especially earlier on
They got me a good lot of sympathy and I don't know why but it felt good for to hear someone
I
Let's see that wasn't
Family say those things I kept my mouth shut whenever they said my husband should just suck it up and take care of his kid
And that their husbands commute two hours to work each way
Four hours. Yeah
one fucking desolate
That's what tell you people live in fucking travel like 87 fucking miles each way
Yeah, like damn so they're putting in her mind that he doesn't he should make that fucking drive
Anyway, our husbands do what car accident did he have that ruined his fucking life?
I
Wanted to say well your husbands have the same hours every day and aren't responsible for others lives. Yeah
Instead I just had an agreement what car what what play crash any cause that ruined their fucking life?
I'm trying to figure out what happened
It makes me sick that I did that my husband woke up just as much as I did and still does whenever our son needs him
Last week my husband had a very rare Saturday and Sunday off
My parents offered us a child free weekend to include Thursday and Friday and we took it
Oh my god, my husband was working and I met my sister-in-law the Thursday for lunch to invite them over for dinner on Friday
I tripped on the curb and had to a had to twist to make sure my son didn't hit the cement
I banged my right knee pretty hard. It's still purple, but not hurting too much
We wanted to have some people over for dinner and I invited my older brother's sister-in-law as well as two of my friends
From the previous week and their husbands going back to getting slammed by my husband. He mentioned that he hates that story
He doesn't like her to say
You fucked him. I fucked her up basically. Oh weird. What what?
What implication of him being his wife is gonna pop up for these people? I don't know what's happening
But I'm getting really close. I think yeah
That even if it wasn't intentional it's really that he seriously injured me
So I stopped telling this story out of respect for him Friday rolls around and my husband picks up everything
We need to make a large pot of spaghetti and a few bottles of wine
We had been discussing trying to have another child
So I was planning on getting a bit tipsy and jumping my husband's bone after our guests left
Tim say hey, I wore a white halter top dress that he loves
Risky to wear when eating pasta and drinking red wine
But I felt good our guests arrived and we are ourselves a class of win and small talk making small talk
I noticed Lana whispering something to her husband, but ignore it figuring maybe I was feeling can it should be?
Ignoring I figured that maybe she liked something and she was asking her husband if they could get something similar
The dinner starts and everything is going well at the end of dinner late. You want to stay with us for the weekend?
Get it from your husband
My husband is a big drinker, but he went to get himself a second glass and tongs to make getting seconds easier
I
Was almost done with my fourth. That's my sister-in-law
As was my sister-in-law and Lana my other friend Sarah fake name
Was sipping her first and their husbands were taking it slow. My brother got a call from work and stepped into
Let's see
Into the guest room to take the call
That's whenever my sister-in-law asks me to tell a story of how I broke my collarbone and separated my shoulder
I figured since my husband was out of the room. There was no harm. No harm. No foul. No harm. No foul
Yeah, I tell the story and I'm laughing my sister-in-law is laughing and Sarah and her husband seem amused
Lana and her husband are laughing the shock on their face my god
Lana reaches across the table and grabs my hand and says I saw your knee and how bruised it was
I feel fear that would play into it
My sister-in-law snorts as Lana continues you see he doesn't help with your
You see he doesn't help with your son and now he has you believing that he did to your shoulder in some kind of accident
Husband walks in and asked what we're talking about and Lana tells him that she knows that he is abusing me
But he doesn't help with our son, but he obviously shoved me down and breathe my knee
That I should have left him whenever he broke my shoulder
My husband immediately looks at me and asked what the hell did you tell her?
And that's whenever Lana's husband speaks up and tells my husband to lower his voice
Because he won't tolerate verbal abuse and that if you lay a finger on her, I'll beat your ass
I'm not the best thing to say to a former military man. Okay. Yeah, remember they're in the military dude's house
Yeah
I'm too shocked to speak and stick out for my husband
My husband didn't take kindly to getting told that being I
I say my husband didn't take kindly to that and told them to get the fuck out of his house
Which is reasonable?
But when you're saying that I beat my wife, yeah, that's kind of everything. Yeah, but we get out
Brother here's the confrontation and Lana and Sarah's husband stand between my husband and I my husband tells them again
Don't make me repeat myself. I'm not gonna tolerate being called a wife abuser
Get the hell out wife abuser wife beaters. What do you yeah?
My wife beaters sounds more, you know off like a rolls off the top. Yeah as bad as it sounds. Yeah
Yeah
Roll off
That was so much worse a little bit
My brother tries explaining that my husband doesn't hit me and I just turtle like a coward
My husband is trying to calm down and eventually my sister-in-law gets Sarah to drag her husband out of the house
Lana is still trying to keep uh
Keep my husband riled up. I remember my husband looking at me
As if he was pleading with me to speak up for them, but I just sat there unable to do anything
I don't know why
And you sure fucking text a lot though
She texts a fuck ton, it's annoying too
I've never been in a situation like this before
Lana and her husband start telling me that I need to leave with them
So my husband doesn't hurt me
My husband flips his shit at that and tells my brother-in-law
And my brother-in-law, uh had to almost tackle him
He's here ready to go beat their ass
Probably not because he started beating up on the woman too like well
Well
Tell them the tell them the truth be I don't walk out
Be don't walk out the door because I guess her name starts with a B. Yeah
Uh, my husband's voice was surprisingly calm. I followed them out the door
So he tells her don't don't do this and she follows these people out the door weird
I almost uh, I was almost in the car with them with my sister-in-law who seemed to sober up
By uh, then pulling me back and my brother forcing Lana and her husband to finally leave
I get back inside and just start crying
I look at my husband and the love in his eyes is gone
He looked like a stranger to me
I tried to hug him and he pulled away and said he's not my husband
He's a stranger to me. I tried to hug him and he pulled away and said he needed some space
I remember telling him that perhaps he could stay with my brother
I I
I was insulted in our home. You stood by and let your friends lie and you didn't say a word
You walked out of the door and follow them. You chose them over me. If anyone needs to leave, it's you
I'm not saying you have to leave. Uh, you have to leave but i'm not leaving our house tonight
I need some time and space to think about how we move forward
Is what his response is
To me, I find that reasonable
Like she tells him it's like okay. I just let them accuse you of uh, domestic potlucks. Can you stay with my brother now?
like
bitch like weird
My brother agreed escalation
For no reason like think about it you walk out of the room
You'll get some more food and you come back and the people are saying i'm gonna beat your ass. It's like what what?
what
My brother agreed with my husband I left with them my brother didn't say a word as we rode to his house
I couldn't stop crying and wondering why I let them uh into my
Let them in my husband and our marriage like that
When we got home, my brother went off on me asking me the same questions. I had asked myself
That my husband never did
um
Let's see
My husband never did any of that
um
See god the way she writes this shit
Blah blah blah
um
Did the things that my friends accused him accused him of I didn't sleep that night every call and text went unanswered
I told my parents what happened. They reacted in a calmer manner, but they weren't happy with me right now
Anyway, my family is supported but firmly on my husband's side and honestly, I don't blame them. I have no excuse
For not defeating uh defending him and trying to de-escalate the situation
My husband wants space and i'm trying to give him that but I miss being near him
I have stopped by every day to see our son, but he has been avoiding talking to me
I got a call from him today saying that he is deeply hurt and feels betrayed
But he isn't sure if he can trust me again. He still loves me, but he needs to sort of sort things out on his end
But he was considering separation
I told Lana and Sarah to fuck off and never contact me again. I'm so hurt and angry very angry at myself
I want my husband back, but i'm not sure that it's possible. I need some advice, please
I want things to be back to normal. I want to pick up and be slung over his shoulder as he grabs my ass
I want him to kiss my stretch marks and tell me that he loves me even more. What do I do?
How can I save my marriage?
Dumb enough. I'm not a marriage counselor
You have to talk to them and you uh, it sounds almost like uh construed like a story
It doesn't sound believable enough. I'm being honest. I really don't do well, uh structured
Well when you go into the comments, apparently she's been divorced. So
I wouldn't want to be to be accused of domestic violence either
Not really, but once the once you understand once the ball starts rolling on a on something someone believes about you
You you had nothing really doing nothing. No, really. You said well fuck. I don't fuck charles
I'm nothing you can do about it. She's gotta go roll with the roll with the uh, you know roll with the boat
Or roll with the ocean river, whatever
Yeah
Just thought it'd be a an interesting story to read. Yeah, it is. It's a long story a long
She does this bitch is long-winded. She talks a lot which I guess she had a lot to get out for chest
What's funny is that it's already to write something you're feeling
Really? I don't know what the advice is though. It's like nobody can really give you advice on this part
Yeah, this is way too complicated. Like you need you ended up you ended up with a goddamn stockholm syndrome
Situation you started believing a couple that you knew was not true, right?
I don't know what you want me to tell you lady. I don't know. You're highly malleable a little too
By the look of it
I don't know what you want me to tell you
When you get your own like family like what the fuck is wrong with you?
What what can any normal person tell you at that point? Like who's normal?
I don't know relative relatively normal. I should say no advice for I guess
Yeah, nobody else did like
Apparently the story got deleted too
The legal reasons i'm sure probably yeah, the husband probably got him taken down legally
It's like oh I asked you not to tell the story and then you go tell everybody. Oh god dang world, huh? What?
That is funny that the story that he so much hates is now a global
Instinct of like, you know the mainframe of the internet. Yeah, like it's there forever now
Yeah, and for me, I mean I thought like if you were accused of uh domestic violence
Do you know how hard it would be to clear your name?
Like they're impossible. Yeah
It's almost like being accused of rape, you know, it just
Like you can't like how do you clear your name at that point?
Like even if you do eventually clear your name like legally
Like there's that rumor then what and you know what I mean? Unfortunately
Like I don't know like I'm glad that has never happened to me in any way shape or form
But my god, I feel sorry for the people that are innocent and then it recused. It's like yeah, it sucks
Nobody wants to be a Harvey Weinstein, that's why I have my dick on the locking key
And three three several people have the locks or the keys to it so I have no I have no access to it
to myself personally
Until I need it
I need confirmation from all three in a written letter and I do I need to wait seven days in states. You need optical scans and everything
It's behind the wall. I don't know. It's it's tough gonna be you meet somebody right?
Yeah, you have a great time and then it goes bad and then they can accuse you of everything. You're like well you're fucked
Yeah, like that actually happened to a college kid once. Uh, there was a big story about it where
This girl and him they were both kind of messed up, right?
They go back to his place. Uh-huh and
they fuck
Well, then she goes out the next day and says that he raped her like
Unfortunate but then there he was exonerated through footage. No one's a video. What matter though? What a well
The college kicked him out exactly
Uh, even though legally there was proof that she was all over him and not the other way around. There was a camera in there
There in the dorm room. Yeah, god like not the room itself, but the hallway like where they fucking in the hallway
She was trying to get his clothes off. Yeah, so
it's like they're both fucked up drunk like it's not like that's a
Either side my advice is never fucked drunk. That would be the smart thing
No, if I get anyone drunk either
Yeah, don't fuck it all. Let's all be celebrate
Uh, let's be honest here. Let's get into that point. It really is
Yep, that's all I got for reddit today. Anything else before we head out tonight?
You know, there's a p and a a spot
I didn't
Do now the more, you know rainbow. They'll be the right before you know
Yeah, we'll put that in the world. No hard spelling. You know love our bird. You know, that's right
No, it's like love
This is Dave Wright lavar burnt lavar burn, yeah, okay lavar. Okay. Yeah
Star trek. It was creepy rainbow. Yeah, that's my boy. That shit lasted like nine seasons apparently
Yeah, I really read was like nine knee like like it was like 20 years. I think yeah, I couldn't I can't believe that
That's like a while until they lost funding. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah
Well with that we will see you guys on the next one