Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment, a podcast covering your favorite and end to
the movies, games, comic books, anime, and more weekly.
Let's go ahead and get started.
All right, guys.
You know how we do these nights.
We start with the news.
All these are from the News of the Weird by Chuck Shepard, John J. Kahoot, and Roland
Sweet.
Now, this will be my first of two last taking of this book because I feel like I'm cheating
by using other people's already compiled, you know, combinations.
So after these two weeks of this book, I'm going to retire these books and I'm going
to start finding new stories of my own.
Now they won't always be bangers like these because these guys have collected them over
years.
Right.
But every Sunday I'm going to go to the 7-Eleven and pick up some newspapers and whatever I
find, I'm going to try to spin it into some comedy.
So we start with this story about a former bank manager in Pittsburgh who would punish
customers who were falling back on their loan payments by spanking them.
What?
Yeah, he spanked 50 customers.
He said he had no problems with them afterwards.
And apparently the ones that did have problems, he was found guilty later of misappropriating
$88,000 in bank funds because he was paying the people that were going to talk about getting
spanked by him.
What grown man?
Just get your ass over here.
I bet over you, son of a bitch.
You're going to have to fall on the payment again and you're going to spank the fucking
rails off of him?
I don't know, man.
Remember, this is the greatest day of my life.
Hell is hot now.
I was going to say, some people probably could use that today.
No.
You don't want to go into a bank, it's like you defaulted again.
No, I just...
I don't know.
I had a girl and she...
The level of heart that you think right and what they can take is a whole different story.
You're practically fucking winding up and it's still not hard enough.
I'm like, God, your hand's fucking thronging.
And their booty cheeks are still clapping.
So you know, some like to get spanked real hard.
Shit is scary.
It's also oddly satisfying too when you reach a level that they like and they just involuntarily
moan.
But that's not to hear, you know what I mean?
It's like the recoil.
It's like, ah.
Ah.
I mean, I thought this ass was firm and there was no recoil.
You know what I'm saying for you, it's like recoil damage.
Oh yeah, it started to hurt.
It's like, this is not the time for water.
I ain't no quitter.
I licked my hand and go back.
All right.
So in Nigeria, these two dozen Nigerian fishermen were going to lynch a witch doctor by the
name of Ibrahim Hassan because they had alleged that he used magic to reduce the size of all
their penises.
Yeah, I know.
So they were going to kill him.
The cops get there, right?
And the Nigerian fishermen are like, you don't believe us?
And they all dropped their fucking pants to show them their dick size difference.
And I'm like, okay.
Like, I don't know how, do they measure it regularly where they're like, what the fuck's
wrong with my dick?
It's three inches smaller.
And why are they attributed to him?
No less, you know what I mean?
The witch doctor did it.
Yeah, like of all the people, it had to be the witch doctor.
And watch, it was just cold outside.
Maybe, I don't know.
Does it get cold in Nigeria?
It could.
It might be cold for them.
Yeah, I guess so.
But man, they must have been like, they had like fucking charts and diagrams like, here
officer C. We each lost a quarter of an inch.
Let's see, this next one is, so this unidentified man in a wheelchair, he rolls into a gas station
in Fremont, New York.
He hastily assembled a rifle.
So he put that bitch together as fast as he could.
And then he pointed in front of these two teenagers that ran the station and demanded
the money.
They gave him $200.
And then he forced one of them to roll him two blocks away to save it.
So there you go.
Imagine being the one to be forced.
So you, you with the titties, get over here.
It's just a random kid.
He was like 14, he was just a heavy said boy.
I want to feel him bounce behind my head as you roll me away.
How does he hold?
Like was he pointing?
That's what I was thinking too.
Like he's just like, if you fucking even dare.
The fact they waited for him to put that shit together, I would have knocked his fucking
teeth out.
So you put the gun together, huh?
Boom!
He had to have been quick about it.
Hastily.
They put in hastily assembled just here.
Come on, you son of a bitch.
Damn it.
God dang.
He's missing like the, he's missing the boys.
He's like, he just rolls away.
It's like, fuck.
All right.
Next up.
Damn it.
I forgot my fucking timer again.
I try to keep you within 30 and 35 minutes to have a level of consistency that I always
fuck up by forgetting.
So let me guys real quick put my timer on.
No, we're good.
We don't need to.
So how far are we in?
Five minutes in.
So that means this episode's over.
All right.
Fix that.
I'm done.
All right, guys.
Let's get back to it.
What the fuck was I doing?
Where am I?
There I am.
All right.
Let's get back to it.
So next up.
What do we got here?
So this guy named Fumitsu Okubo.
He's 65 from Toyama, Japan.
He ended up choking to death because he got trapped in his seatbelt.
And it was on the first day of Japan's enforcement of the mandatory seatbelt law.
So you know, there you go.
He just couldn't handle it, having a seatbelt, mandatorily attributed to him, I guess.
Some of these I forget why I added a clip.
I just put a little clip, paper clips to find the page and I forget what they're fucking
doing, I forget what I added for.
What was the story that was so compelling that I should have did like a different like
symbol to these fucking things?
But anyway, it's still fun to...
Here it is.
Oh, this is so badly.
Nothing against the guys that made the book.
Well, this book has fallen to pieces.
I don't know what kind of glue they use.
All these pages are ripped the fuck out.
This book has fallen apart on me.
So this high school teacher in Fairfax, Virginia, he got transferred to an administrative job
because they found a videotape.
He had made a videotape on China to show the class, but he had recorded it over a film
of gay sex and he had forgot to...
There were still like several scenes of the gay sex acts at the end of the movie.
So they got into some full-back, brokeback mountain type video in class.
They got into the Tom Holland stuff and they're like, no, no, what are they doing?
They got into Tom Holland taking back shots.
They're all like, why is this Japan?
This is what happens there.
Oh my God.
Or I mean China.
All right, let's see.
Next story.
Or I guess...
I am very haphazardly on today, but don't worry guys.
I'm always like this.
This is the normal.
This is nothing new.
This is every day.
I think it's cool.
This one is a fucked up story.
This Wisconsin judge...
These are two stories that I was mad about.
So this Wisconsin judge, he sent this 25 year old man to three years probation for sexual
assault on a five year old girl.
He assaulted his girlfriend's daughter.
He only got three years probation.
Really?
The judge said that the girl was unusually sexually promiscuous at five.
And he was unable to fend off the girls advances.
What?
For a five year old?
That's what I was thinking.
I was like, you sick sons of bitches.
Now this next story is like, what the fuck?
Because of the first one, right?
So he gets three years probation for that.
This guy got 35 years in prison for stealing a 12 ounce can of spam.
Two dollar can of spam.
12 ounces.
He got 35 years in jail.
I think those sentences should have been switched.
That's what I was thinking too.
I had something to get.
I'm like, this is ridiculous.
That is fucked up.
It is.
Oh, some men are fucking monsters.
I agree.
Disgusting sons of bitches.
God damn these papers are fucking filled to pieces, man.
Jesus Christ.
So the last story is these Buddhist priests in, in Buddhist, I don't know, it just says
Buddhist priests on here.
They're mostly like what from Nepal?
They could be from China.
They could be from India.
Probably Nepal would be.
So they, they blessed 200,000 used bras and a temple memorial service for cast off underwear
in Tokyo.
So it was a Japanese Buddhist.
Yeah.
I should have probably read further.
Before I just pretend they were from Nepal.
That's a lot though.
200,000 bras.
That's a lot.
That's a lot of titties.
That's 400,000 titties.
Oh man, I can only dream of so many titties.
Last story.
In 1985, a Catholic priest was arrested in Port Richey, Florida and charged with shoplifting
a package of condoms.
That's kind of ironic there, isn't it?
A little bit.
You find it fucking hilarious.
The officer, I was doing, I practiced same sex with the Lord.
I was going to say it's ironic for a couple of reasons.
One for the scandals that they had.
Two because Catholics don't believe in condoms.
He did.
He's got to be safe.
I feel bad for the regular priest.
They just bang women, right?
On the sly.
Now even they, they're like these sons of bitches were for all of us.
You know what the really sad part is, statistically, it's not a greater number than the general
public.
We just hear about it more because of the...
Well I mean they got a higher standard of morals.
Yeah, so you better show up.
Apparently they don't.
Apparently they do not.
It's a thing my mom wanted me to go to Catholic school.
Hell no.
Growing up.
I'd have been fighting for my life every day.
I'm gorgeous as fuck.
I feel like an asshole now.
By minimizing what they actually went through.
But still.
I apologize.
That's fine.
My fucking eyeballs are cheap.
Anyway, so now that's it for the news.
We move on to Cozy Kitchen.
I have three recipes, one from our very own Michael.
Did you poison it?
I did.
Damn.
So let's start off with his.
He, it's a homemade sloppy joes.
I got fucking papers everywhere.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I don't know where to put this stuff.
Just throw it around.
Just fucking shit.
I'm just throwing it around with shit.
I'm like Charlie from Always Sun in Philadelphia looking for Batmate Sylvia.
Alright, so to make this homemade sloppy joe, you need two pounds ground beef, 80-20.
What does that mean?
80% meat, 20% fat.
Lean ground beef basically.
Cool.
One yellow onion.
Diced.
One, one half tablespoon of barbecue seasoning.
One 10 ounce can road tail diced tomatoes and green chilies.
Are they together or something?
It comes together in one can.
Oh nice.
It's a Mexican specialty.
Two thirds?
One cup barbecue sauce, normal to thick preferred.
Two one half tablespoons yellow mustard.
How do you even make that shit?
Cause that shit never comes off.
How do you make it exactly two and a one half?
Sweden bottle.
I got a guess.
That's why I did you.
What the fuck you think you're gonna melt?
One cup shredded cheddar or pepper jack cheese.
Hamburger buns toast if you like.
Pickles for topping optional.
So in a large skillet or cast iron skillet, cook the beef over medium high heat until
browned drain the grease or drink it like I do.
Stir the stir the onion and seasoning.
Cook about a minute.
Add road tail, barbecue sauce and mustard.
Use heat to medium low and simmer for about 10 minutes stirring occasionally until heated
through and all ingredients have time to combine well.
I slowly mix in the cheese and let cook for a few more minutes on simmer until the cheese
begins to melt.
Spoon or finger the mixture.
Spoon the mixture.
Oh god.
Man's gotta do what man's gotta do.
Spoon the mixture into the hamburger buns and place pickles on top if you would like.
Serve hot and fresh.
So dig in.
He actually made me one so I'll tell you guys how it goes when I eat it.
Two episodes from now.
Don't ask why two episodes from now instead of one.
Alright next we got of course Women's World.
Woman's World.
The only magazine I can see and I follow religiously.
She doesn't ask the word woman.
Thought there'd be more titties.
But I wasn't disappointed.
So we got barbecue chicken pizza.
You need three tablespoons of oil.
One shallot.
Thinly sliced.
I don't know what a shallot is.
Small little onions that are expensive.
So just regular on your zen.
Or as Uncle Roger would say shallots are for not poor people.
Onions are for poor people.
Bad day.
One 10 ounce packaged thin pre-baked pizza crust.
12 inches.
Half a cup barbecue sauce.
One half cup shredded rotisserie chicken.
About 6 ounces.
One cup shredded cheddar.
4 ounces.
One small tomato.
Seeded and chopped.
One fourth cup fresh cilantro leaves.
And sliced chili peppers are optional.
So you heat oven to 450 Fahrenheit.
Line plate with paper towel.
And nonstick skillet.
Heat two teaspoons oil over medium heat.
And is it shallot or shal-ow?
Shallot.
Shallots?
Okay.
Or if you're English it's shal-ot.
Shal-ot.
I always have like a weird thing of like dropping certain words.
I feel like they're French.
So I just say shal-ow.
Like you know Les Miserables.
Yeah.
Yeah it's shallot though.
Okay so add shallot.
Cook stirring until golden and crisp.
5 to 6 minutes.
Using slotted spoon transfer to paper towel.
Meanwhile, place a pizza crust on baking sheet.
Brush top with remaining one tablespoon of oil.
How many tablespoons?
Three?
God damn.
Spread top with barbecue sauce.
Then sprinkle with one cup chicken and cheese.
Sprinkle tomato and remaining half cup chicken over cheese.
Bake pizza on baking sheet until cheese is melted.
And crust is golden about 10 minutes.
Prefer a crispier crust?
Skip the baking sheet and bake pizza directly on oven rack.
Or like my cousin just throw that bitch in there.
No fucking rack or nothing.
Watch that bitch melt on the fucking stove body.
Like a dumb motherfucker.
Ha ha.
I wonder why my oven's on fire all the time.
Oh I don't know you asshole.
Where's the fucking brain?
Just sitting on the corner.
Oh yeah.
Just sitting on the corner.
Fucking burning alive.
Top with cooked shallot and cilantro leaves and if desired sliced chili pepper.
And on you go.
You're looking at a serving of four?
Or for me one?
Active time 15 minutes.
Total time 25 minutes.
Doesn't actually not that much time.
No.
Tomato pizza wow.
Calories 470.
Protein 26 grams.
Fat 28.
6 grams.
7 grams saturated.
Cholesterol 70 milligrams.
Carbs 47 grams.
Sodium is 1030 milligrams.
Holy shit.
Get that high blood pressure while you can people.
God damn that's the highest we've had on one of these.
Oh my god.
Your fucking heart misses a beat.
And then fiber 1 gram and sugars 8 grams.
God that's a lot of sodium.
Holy hell.
Next up is.
Our last one is.
Some delicious Tex-Mex casserole.
So we are looking at 12 white corn tortillas from 25 ounce package.
I don't think it really matters.
As long as you have 12 of them right?
It's gotta be a 25 ounce package.
I'm sorry I'm nitpicking.
Three cups shredded rochester chicken, one 16 ounce jar salsa, one 15.5 ounce can red
kidney beans, rinsed drained, one 10 ounce can enchilada sauce, two cups shredded Monterey
jack cheese and fresh cilantro leaves are optional.
God you're gonna have the shits.
Your heat oven to 425 Fahrenheit.
Reserve four tortillas.
Coat both sides of remaining eight tortillas with cooking spray.
Place on baking sheets.
Bake flipping once.
Until lightly toasted three to four minutes per side.
Cut all tortillas into four strips each.
Reserving toasted and untoasted tortillas separately.
Reduce oven temperature to 350.
In large bowl mix chicken, salsa, beans and enchilada sauce.
Place half of toasted tortillas on in bottom of baking sheet.
Top with half of chicken mixture and one third cheese.
Repeat layering once.
Place untoasted tortillas on top.
Cook.
Bake until heated through about 30 minutes.
Uncovered.
Top with remaining cheese.
Bake until cheese is melted eight to 10 minutes.
If desired garnish with cilantro leaves.
Now you are looking at oh boy calories.
This is a serving of six for active time of 20 minutes total time an hour.
Calories is 410.
Protein is 35 grams so there you go.
It's all the protein you need.
Fat is 15 grams, seven grams saturated.
Cholesterol is 90 milligrams.
Carbs are 43 grams.
Sodium is 1020 milligrams.
Fibers three and sugars or fibers three grams and sugar four grams.
Holy hell what is with the sodium today?
You just want me to die huh?
Hey to be fair the recipe I gave you doesn't really have that much salt.
That's good.
You gotta be careful guys it's not just sugar.
You also have to watch the salt intake.
Everything in moderation.
Unless you're a goon like me.
Just guzzle the grease.
I mean like in the sexual tears.
You know what gooning is.
You know you know.
If you know what gooning is you are a goon.
What?
Good luck when you head out.
I recently found out a term that I've never heard before called the Mexican Flamingo.
I don't know what it is.
I'm too scared to look it up.
Alright so we're in the episode.
We still got some time a lot of time actually.
I must have fucked up on this one.
So we are going to.
We do have a shit load of time.
What did I do wrong?
What?
Alright so you guys remember the story of the woman hookah doing tricks in the bathroom.
Yes.
And that was a wild story.
And then the sequel was that I came in there and they had found out what she was doing
and they threw her out and she almost got into a fist fight with a homeless guy outside.
Yes.
Okay here's part three.
Oh God.
Part three of the trilogy.
Yeah.
Of the saga for all I know.
So I get I've never seen a sign like this in my life.
I get to the bathroom right and on the front of the bathroom it says I kid you not no showering.
No shower?
Yeah.
There's no there's just a sink in there and a toilet.
That's exactly what I thought.
I'm like huh?
They're having themselves some whore baths in these luggage.
I've never seen a no showering sign.
I could say no washing yourself in the sink or you know worded differently but no showering
that's a new one.
Like they're going in there and they're just fucking having themselves a bath.
By the way the floor is always wet.
Is that why?
I don't know if that's why but it is always soaking wet.
Hang on do they have a drain in the middle of the floor?
No.
It's just fucking soaked all the time on the floor.
Always by the toilet too.
I don't know if the guys can't fucking piss or it is always fucking wet in there.
I would not drop my pants for nothing.
I wouldn't drop my pants anywhere actually because I only go to the restroom.
Here's some too much information.
I only go to the restroom butt ass naked.
I do not like having any clothes near me when I'm taking a shit.
It's at home for you basically.
Or if I'm feeling if I got no choice I'm going to just put my clothes over the rail
of the fucking.
It's like I'm taking everything.
I'll just put it on the back of the toilet tank right.
Like I'll just put this here.
I'll keep my socks on of course.
But I can't because it doesn't feel clean.
If I wipe right and it's just on the back of my shirt.
I feel that all the time right in my head.
So I am always butt ass naked when I take a shit.
Don't bring it to my house.
You're going to catch me butt ass naked in the room and in the bathroom.
Oh man that was probably too much information but I don't really care.
It doesn't bother me.
Just let your Costanza in.
Costanza in?
Is that what he did?
He takes his shirt off.
Oh just his shirt?
Amateur.
That's close enough.
You just take it and just the next level.
Yeah man if I have to like I'll fold my clothes in the back of the tank and just fucking bomb
it out.
So yeah I would never go to the bathroom in this fucking.
I guess if I had no choice.
If you got a shit you got a shit.
Sometimes you just got a shit.
Alright so story two was at work a couple days ago and my coworker the manager and I
we switched places so she would cashier and I would do the recovery because I was exhausted
from being there all day.
And she didn't want to do if I had known there was all this stuff where I found it.
I would have never agreed to it.
So like I'm just zooming you know I'm just chilling no one's bothering me.
I'm just working and this customer this regular comes in right and he's talking and I realized
like 50 minutes into his little monologue he was talking to me.
I was like how is he talking to me?
I didn't mean to be rude.
I was like I literally had no idea that he was talking to me.
He's like no I didn't completely.
Yeah because at the end he was like so no answer huh and I'm just like I look around
and I'm like you talking to me?
I'm sorry sir I had no idea.
So he just like and we just like that's that.
I thought that was that.
He goes to cash out right he's got his cart and he's got his mat he was gonna buy and
my manager's cash taking the register right and this guy this tweaker comes in.
He comes in right and he grabs a bag from off of the rack like just a bag and he puts
it something they put their stuff in the bag no big deal if they want a free bag they can
just ask or they just grab it because they're assholes.
But he grabs his bag he puts his stuff in there and then he goes to the counter he's
like look at all these letters and he just starts throwing his letters in the bag.
I'm like uh oh.
Well I didn't see it I think because I heard it right because I was on the other side and
I was still doing my recovery stuff and I hear my manager start screaming like oh no
you don't sir because he like because I still don't know what the hell happened.
Basically the customer that was talking to me right he said he was off duty but I don't
think he was an off duty cop I think it was like a security guard or something.
Right.
He's like don't you go out that door if you go out that door I'm gonna beat your ass.
So he the customer drops his stuff right he runs out to follow the guy the guy drops
his stuff in front of the door right and he runs out too.
My manager follows him out there trying to tell the customer don't do anything we have
him on camera don't you know risk your life for anything.
And this is when I start hearing stuff so I go out to the I go outside right and I go
outside and the fucking tweaker is doing like the fucking rocky like you know like that
wind-up punch.
And he's like he keeps like doing the weird like side boxing like he's basically skipping
around the customer and the customer is trying to beat him up right and he's just skipping
around like you can't hit me.
I'm like oh my god.
That's a tweaker for you.
He's just you know that cartoon line up I'm like oh my lord.
So I get out there and the customer he's like if I had my gun on him it would be over like
please don't.
I'm just one capping that ass.
Like that's what I'm that's the last thing I want him to do is to shoot a random person.
It's gonna be like.
For a crackhead they won't go down.
That's what I was saying you can't beat a crackhead sir.
That's what I wanted to say.
I'm gonna shoot him he's still gonna be out.
So I was like oh god what the hell to do now.
So my the manager goes back inside once I go outside because the customer finally calmed
down and he walked back from the parking lot onto the sidewalk where the store is and the
crackhead starts following him right.
So I step between the customer and the crackhead and I just put my hand up to the crackhead
and to be like it's like the universe like okay you can chill and the customer's cussing
him out behind me.
The crackhead just looking at me now instead of him.
The customer goes back inside right and I just stand there with the fucking crackhead
for like 10 seconds he's looking dead in each other's eyes and we both realize there's no
violence here.
There's no need for violence either.
So once he realizes he can't come in I go back inside and he starts pacing outside the
door I want my shit back because he did have his own stuff in the back.
He just he's pacing I want my shit.
So he can't come in he knows he can't come in but he can't leave either.
So I'm like so the manager gives me his stuff.
She pulls out everything that's not his that he stole right.
He gives him I get his stuff right and I go back out there to give it to him right.
He's like my wife died my son died and he just he fucking disappears in the night like
fucking Batman.
He just turned around he's fucking gone.
I just thought it was parents dying.
I was like what the fuck.
Crack man.
Basically man like you just hear him like at night giggling.
It was so weird I really did not want them to get into a fight.
I didn't want the customer to shoot him.
I didn't want the crackhead to stab him.
I don't know why I stood in between them like I was like I was gonna do something I wasn't
gonna do shit.
Get shot and stabbed.
Yeah I get shot and stabbed.
But like because I was at the job I had to do something so I kept between both of them
and I was more worried about the customer because trigger happy people they will they'll
start blasting immediately and I'm like I'm not gonna get shot for any job and I and then
now I know for a fact that if he kills it again the customer he's gonna have his gun
on him and that's what I'm worried about now.
Yeah.
I'm like oh lord let me get the hell out of the way before you like he'll probably miss
and kill everybody but the guy.
See that's why whenever you get into a situation growing up in the hood you hear things that
sound like fireworks you drop to the ground.
He's no kidding.
Oh man I just I don't know it was just weird it was surreal very surreal anyway so as I
said it was a wild week part two or not part two it's like when the next story this happened
today.
Fuck God.
I was coming home from work right and I stopped at the outside I'm at the stop sign for the
parking lot or not but just like the outside not that they don't really have stops at a
parking lot that I know of.
Yeah I know what you're talking about.
Like the big ones do right but not like the smaller one and I'm waiting for you know the
traffic to alleviate enough for me to turn and a cop car rolls by real slow in front
of the in front of me going you know the lane out the way I'm going I want to go.
I'm like that's weird why is he going so slow.
So I turn I look left right it's like it's almost like a split second thing too right
like a cop car and like you know like it's not like you think like when I explain it
it sounds like it takes like an hour but like it's split second so like that cop car is
going real slow and like in my head I'm like why.
I turn left to see why he's going so slow and this fucking big bitch comes in the frame.
This big fuck I don't know what the fuck it was a fucking flatbed truck on this fucking
flatbed truck with a fucking house and there was a house on this fucking truck and it was
rolling down the fucking street.
I'm like what the fuck is going on.
Not only does that that one has a front and it has a cop escort on front right there's
one on the side because this big bitch is so fucking wide it took up both the lanes
I wanted to go and half of the opposing traffic's lane.
Good girl.
I was like you big motherfucker.
And I have a video to show you later and we'll try to put it into the into the actual video
but I was like you have got to be kidding me like it was just like I've never seen it
before it's just a it was a full fucking house like with no.
Was it a motor home?
No.
Or not a motor home like a mobile home on the back of a.
No.
No?
No that's what was scary.
Actually I'll show you now.
All right.
Well the timer's still going.
So after some expert opinion it is a mobile home.
Yeah looks like a double wide trailer.
It just fucking massive just rolling down the street.
Coming back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
I was like you have got to be kidding me.
And this car in front of me right.
I don't know what she was thinking.
She was going to try to go around because she had gone into the opposite lane to try
to get past it and there was cars coming.
I'm like Lane!
No!
She turned back so quick.
Yeah I would too.
Because one the cop car would have stopped you to begin with.
They would have beat the hell out of her.
Get out of the fucking car.
You don't see this trailer at all.
It just beat the brakes off of some random woman.
I mean I'll give them credit at least they had police escort.
Yeah that was what I was finding surprising.
That's interesting.
Like they at least had enough intelligence to hey we're going to need a police escort
to get through this area.
But you got it.
At first I was kind of worried like I don't know where they came from right.
But when I saw them stopped at the stoplight I'm like can they go under the stoplight?
Like I knew it would have had to because they would have had to come across a bunch of stoplights.
But in my head like by the way you know how big a stoplight is?
Way bigger than you think.
Fucking huge.
Way bigger than what you think.
Don't ever have one land on top of you.
It will fucking kill you.
Yeah they're tall.
They look so small hanging out there.
And then I did like I did a thing like I was like wait let me take that right in my head
right.
So I took the size of it in my head and then I put it against the fucking pole right.
I'm like hold on.
This is fucking high as fuck.
Like as like a comparison?
Yeah.
Like it looks tiny until you actually put it against something else in your head.
Yeah.
And like I'm like you can probably reach the fucking light or over it to you know for the
traffic for the walk light.
I mean that shit is fucking tall.
And wide as fuck.
I don't know why it looks so small.
Perspective.
Right.
I mean it looks like it's like tiny right.
But man them some big bitches.
Yeah because I think they're good what three feet tall or more.
Yeah they look like it yeah.
Yeah.
Three or four.
Yeah they're much much bigger than what you think.
Yeah.
See that's all about perspectives.
So that means my penis is bigger than what I.
Smaller.
It's much smaller.
Man that was the weirdest thing I've seen today.
Plus with the homeless guy or not that I don't know what he was I don't know if he was homeless
or what his deal was.
But like he was like he was ready to go.
Come on.
See.
But the fight like a 1940s boxing match.
Yeah.
I like a.
That's what I'll say in the three stooges.
Where it's whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.
That's exactly what he was doing.
You can see how nonchalant he was.
And he's like I don't like he didn't want to fight him at all but he was having fun.
He was having time in his fucking life.
Crack man.
Just fucking skimping as the guy.
The customer was serious as fuck is what I found so sad.
And the homeless guy like.
Oh my God.
That's where it's funny to me.
That's sad.
Yeah it is sad but I mean it's what you got to deal with sometimes.
It's his life.
Every day.
I miss Jessie Jade.
She'll be worse than.
I've been trying to find her obituary in the Oklahoman.
I don't think it's in there.
Problem with not.
Why how dare they discriminate.
It's like we don't save his horse.
Isn't it if she's paid is it a paid service.
I think so.
Generally.
I'm gonna pay for it.
You're gonna write a eulogy for her.
Teddy's word double D's.
That would be so fucking.
These are long.
I saw one once in a newspaper right.
Where this woman her kids had gotten her the obituary.
And it was it was the funny like she will not be missed.
I was like God.
Because she had left them for she had cheated on her their father with his brother had them
left them for another man and they just fucking tore into her.
The word count must have been priceless for them because they know the way she will not
be missed at the end was like the icing on the cake of everything else.
I can't remember what they said above that but they did not fucking like we didn't know
that they were like fuck this bitch.
This is too much of a luxury for her.
She could suffer for her.
She will be burning in hell.
That's basically what they said.
I was like I kind of wouldn't read like I don't want to read all the obituaries.
Well like it's free for that.
If I ever came across one is that brutal.
I'd be like God dang.
It was pretty fun.
So yeah isn't yeah you basically pay the newspaper right.
But do they have to like greenlight it or if you pay them it could be whatever you wanted
to say.
I don't know actually because I would I have some tasty words for certain people who when
they die imagine somebody you don't like and you just put to a bitch and be like fuck this
mother.
I think it has to be like done by somebody that they allow to do their day to worry.
Damn I can't just pay for someone I don't like.
I don't know.
I'd have to look into the obituary requirements.
I hope I hope Satan makes him his bottom bitch.
That was too good of a place for.
Well yeah if anyone knows if Jessie Jane has an obituary let me know.
I'll read it on there.
She seemed like a great person personality.
A normal middle aged woman.
Yeah.
I'm a thirsty man.
A thirsty man and the thirst can't be quenched.
The thirsty man.
I was just surprised that she died I was like damn that's wild.
You know what I mean.
Like she's what 43 and she's dead.
Shit is fucking crazy.
It'd be like if I like if I died of a heart attack.
Well I'm gonna steal this from Ralphie Mae but you wouldn't be shocked.
You know what I mean.
Like I thought she was like she was fit as hell for her whole career her whole life.
Oh indeed.
Drugs.
Like if I fucking died of a heart attack you'd be like yeah.
I thought it'd be sooner.
I thought that coronary would get him sooner.
But when someone healthy dies it's like a shock to people's system right.
Yeah a little bit.
Like if fucking David Goggins fucking dropped dead I'd be like what of what.
You know what I mean.
But like if a 95 year old guy died you'd be like oh of age right.
Or like if someone like 450 pounds fucking drops dead like oh you know his heart gave
out.
So when someone healthy died it's like it's like almost it almost makes you like why the
why am I trying to get healthy then.
I just fucking dropped dead anyway.
Anyway sorry for the rambles but it's what we do.
I hope you guys enjoyed.
If we were offensive we apologize.
We don't mean to be.
We never are.
We just we just say.
I'll be siding you do.
You may not brother.
Never mean to be offensive.
I just can't control myself.
I think it's funny so I always am.
It's cool.
So tune in next time and stay cozy.
Cool.
What you got for us in Urban Dictionary today.
All right.
Let me turn this timer on.
So Urban Dictionary we got a whopping 10 as always.
Of the tastiest furs I could find.
That's my new word now tasty.
We start with the cucumber forest.
When a bunch of guys have their dicks out.
Also known as a circle jerk.
Cucumber.
The next one is called Porch.
I don't know what this person did.
I think it's somebody's name.
It says to be a big fat piece of shit.
No regard for human life whatsoever.
Overall fat bastard tax evading piece of shit.
The last word I don't understand.
Why he so bad at the tax evasion.
He watches the IRS person that was trying to catch him for years.
Couldn't fucking find him.
Tax evading son of a bitch.
Dirty motherfucker.
Next one is a a boof train.
B-O-O-F boof.
It is multiple people butt fucking.
I guess in a train.
Oh.
Yeah like a human centipede.
Oh.
Holy dick ass.
Oh.
It smelled just as bad as a human centipede.
Well we don't know.
The next one is change purse.
That one's simple.
It's a dudes nutsack.
I mean there's no.
I mean yeah.
Change purse.
Next one is pocket liver.
And it's to me it's fucking hilarious because it says a tall slender man with a good sense
of humor no direct correlation to pockets or the vital organ.
So it's like why the fuck is he called pocket liver.
That's what I found so ironic.
He's like what is called there.
That's what I was thinking.
Next one is D-bag.
A person.
Yeah apparently it just says D-bag.
It says a person who goes out in New Balance tennis shoes and is unable to keep his feet
together along with that you also have to send threatening text messages have a 250 pound
girlfriend also have to be a hillbilly.
Symptoms of a D-bag are big and dumb weird goatees bipolar control figuring other douche
back reactions man titties as well.
They just look they just tore into whoever they saw one day and they just tore into this
person.
I can think of a few people that fit the description.
Next one is olive garden.
The act of pouring olive oil on your penis and then fucking a vagina then eating out.
Olive garden.
Enjoy.
I like this one.
This one is from log flogging.
It's a hand job on a well in down man.
You got to use two hands I guess.
Log flogging basically.
Next one is Super Bowl.
Named for the biggest professional sporting venue.
The national.
I just found the Super Bowl basically.
The national football league the Super Bowl debuted in 1966 to then has become the biggest
With the number of specters in attendance the amount of revenue created through TV ads
slash commercials.
How profile celebrity attendance and TV ratings that surpass any other sporting championship
ratings.
It's also because it's one and done.
Like there's no the best of seven like this is it.
It's not like the World Series or something.
Right.
This is all you got.
You got to give everything you have for this win.
And then that to people that for people that will always be more in you know than a fucking
like a three two out of three.
I've never liked that.
Yeah.
You fucking do it and you do it one time.
That's all you got.
Then you go cry when your team loses like it's just the way it is.
Just fucking ball your eyes out like damn it.
You can be like the Buffalo Bills lose four in a row.
The only team lose four Super Bowls in a row.
The greatest team to never win.
This one special came in the guy in prison with them.
I forgot.
I forgot what this was.
I just read it and how fucking shocked I was.
You caught your breath.
Yeah.
I was like oh I was like oh the guy in prison with the most couch like butthole.
He is the most proud of the pride of all the inmates.
Good Lord.
I'm going to become Dunster.
So the absolute fucking train wreck.
They must wear this man's booty called clean out.
Oh it'd be like that one dude where he's like I like you and I want you.
Like that one guy is like no Mr. Hanson I don't like I don't want a little boy booty.
I want your booty.
But he he snuck onto the Chris Hanson show to catch a predator.
To rape Chris Hanson.
He's one of the boondocks.
Like Chris Hanson comes out like why are you here.
You're here to have sex with a 12 year old.
No Mr. Hanson I don't want a little boy booty.
I want your booty.
I'm not into little children Mr. Hanson.
You.
Shit was fucking hilarious.
Did somebody really do that on the Chris Hanson show?
That shit would have fucking got all kinds of ratings.
Chris Hanson fighting for his life.
He called him police.
Yeah like in the show it took forever for the kind of thing out there.
But he got his hands on him all kinds of ways before the cops showed up.
All right so that's it for Urban Dictionary.
I hope I haven't ruined your life yet.
You didn't.
I'll find a way.
Maybe I'll look up Mexican Flamingo.
Oh god.
I'll tell you later.
That'll be in the next episode.
Mexican Flamingo.
Yeah.
Let's look at him now.
Mr. Doghead.
All right everybody give us give us a second.
I found him.
This was in the game Sherlock Holmes awakening like a detective game.
He's because I found a friend of you Sherlock Holmes right.
You're solving murder mysteries and stuff like that.
Right.
I found a note saying that some guy was caught doing a Mexican Flamingo with someone else.
This can't be the same thing.
It probably is.
Balancing a shot glass on the tip of a penis while pouring shot and then ramming into some
dude's ass.
Oh.
Poor Charlie received the Mexican Flamingo.
Throwing the note out with the boys.
It was never the same after that.
I would think so.
A fucking whole shot glass.
Good lord.
Oh.
I can do two.
He caught him beat.
I can do two.
Well that ruined my night.
Not as much as the last time.
That last episode we were fucked down after what we heard.
And talked about I was fucking devastated all day.
See I was more devastated to learn that apparently that ain't the only time they've ever done
it.
Yeah well that's it for that'll be news next time.
All right ready to move on to our breakdown for the week.
Yeah.
All righty.
This week we have Freyrin Beyond Journeys End.
What's that?
It's an anime.
I imagine as much.
I was like asking if like context.
A fantasy style anime that this basically takes place after the journey to kill the
demon lord.
Okay.
So this is what happens after.
Oh afterwards?
Yeah.
Huh.
Kind of a weird thing.
That's why it's called Beyond Journeys End.
And Freyrin is the the mage.
An elven mage.
So episode one is called the Journeys End.
After defeating the demon lord.
Hero Heimel.
Priest Heiter.
And dwarf warrior.
His name is say his name again?
Heimel and Heiter.
Oh okay so he's a nazi.
Like a german.
Yeah like exactly.
Henrik Himmler.
Oh my god.
It's Himmler Heimel.
I can't.
Oh my lord.
He's saying heyer.
So hero.
By the way have you ever played South Park the secret truth?
They put the actual dialogue from Adolf Hitler's speeches in the game.
Have you seen that they also redid it in english now with AI?
The game?
No the actual speech.
Does it sound horrendous?
It sounds even worse than what you would think from german.
I don't know how much.
German's pretty hardcore.
Yeah but you hear it in english so it's like damn dude.
It's like bruh.
So he has Heiter.
Priest Heiter.
Oh lord.
Dwarf warrior Eisen.
That's my boy right there.
I'm always the dwarf.
With a little like what you would expect from like a viking warrior where they have the
horns on the ends.
Yeah well I hate to break the news to people.
Yeah they didn't have that.
That's not historically accurate.
No it's not.
And the elephant mage Freyrin.
Welcome to the royal capital.
Heimel, Heiter and Eisen are ready to settle down after their 10 year adventure but.
10 fucking years.
Holy shit.
But Freyrin whose lifespan lasts thousands of years considers 10 years barely noticeable
and plans to travel and learn new spells.
Like a weekend for him.
Yeah basically like she's like oh okay.
They watch the era meteor shower together with Freyrin promising to show them a better
place to watch it during the next show a shower in 50 years.
50 fucking years man.
Yeah.
Wait how any humans?
Uh two of them were humans.
I mean they'll be dead by then.
Then one's a dwarf.
What's a dwarf lifespan?
They're pretty long too.
Pretty long but not.
Eternal.
Not as long as an elf.
Yeah because isn't it in the middle earth it's like elves are immortal.
Dwarves are long lived but humans were really long lived too.
Comparative to like regular humans.
Like to us now.
Like back then wasn't like uh wasn't freaking Aragorn like 90 years old?
I think so.
He was half elf.
Oh he was?
Yeah he was half elf.
Okay.
So that explains why he.
Because mom had done him a favor.
Because I know hobbits had a longer lifespan because Bilbo was like oh like he wasn't even
50 when he had his first adventure.
He was but also there's a thing where they think the ring extended his lifespan.
Just his?
Yeah.
Compared to his life.
They don't have as long of a lifespan as Bilbo Baggins did.
Oh yeah because Sméagol was like a hobbit but he lived for like almost like a hundred
years or something.
Right because of the ring.
That ring really fucked him up though.
Yes it did.
So 50 years later Freyrin returns and finds Heimel and Heidr are elderly.
No you don't say.
While Aizen is middle-aged.
The dwarf.
Middle-aged.
Now what is middle-aged?
Like actually like categorized as?
Middle-aged would be 30s to 40s.
Uh oh.
Like 30 through almost like 50.
I'm an old fucking man.
I would consider that middle-aged.
Okay.
Like younger middle-aged.
Well then again now with medical treatments.
Yeah I was about to say we gotta start like adding like a different.
Yeah.
People can live to like a hundred and be alright.
Yeah.
Like think about it.
Look at the things Betty White was doing at almost a hundred.
Man she was fucking at a hundred and two.
After she was dead already.
I don't know how old she was when she died.
99.
But she was laying piped in.
She was 99 but like she was up doing stuff.
Like she wasn't inactive.
Like obviously you still get a bunch of people like that.
I think it also takes some personality.
Like I know some people that are like in their 20s and I believe they're 50s.
Like 80 years old.
I agree.
They just want to be old.
Yeah that's why I don't look at age necessarily.
Like as I get older I don't look at it as like oh I'm getting older.
It's like I still do the same shit I used to do.
Still like the same things I used to like.
It hasn't changed for me.
With a caveat.
You have to you know like age doesn't matter.
The police will say different.
Obviously.
Highly different.
Obviously.
Like in that respect yes but I mean like physically I don't feel much different than what I've
always felt like.
I'm 97 years old.
It's been 97.
What about you White?
Yeah.
If I get up right now my fucking ass will explode.
So.
After retrieving a dragon horn from Heimel they go on one last adventure to watch the
meteors again.
Heimel dies of old age shortly after the trip.
At Heimel's funeral.
This fucking drum's dead.
Yeah.
I feel like he was old.
Well damn.
Why do you wait 50 years?
Why couldn't it be five?
Not for her.
At Heimel's funeral Freyrin tearfully realizes she never really got to know him and decides
to learn as much about humans as possible.
Twenty years later.
Oh my god it is just fucking booking it.
That's how we get to a certain point.
Does it finally like settle out?
A little bit.
Oh god.
Twenty years later she returns and finds the now elderly extremely elderly Heidr has
adopted a war orphan.
Nine-year-old Fern.
Heidr's the dwarf right?
No Heidr is the priest.
So he's extremely elderly at this point.
Like 90s.
All right because he was 20 years later.
Right 20 years after the 50s.
So 70 years later.
So he will have 90 to 100.
God dang.
And he's adopted a war orphan nine-year-old Fern.
Fern has potential as a mage and Heidr who has come to fear death in his old age asks
Freyrin to research life extending magic and tutor Fern in her spare time.
Freyrin agrees after finding Fern is already remarkably skilled despite her youth.
Good old prodigy.
And it's like Heidr used to drink and gamble and all the things you wouldn't expect from
a priest.
Or all the things you do expect from a priest nowadays.
But now he because he used to not worry about death and now that he's so old it's like yeah
once you get old you're like uh-oh.
Yeah he's fearing death at this point.
Episode two is it didn't have to be magic.
Is it type 11?
Or is it healthy living?
It is.
Well episode's ruined.
He dropped the papers.
We'll see you on the next one.
So um Freyrin spends four years tutoring Fern while translating an ancient grimoire concerning
immortality.
Heidr becomes bedridden and Fern trains non-stop wanting Heidr to see her become a mage.
She reveals after the deaths of her parents Heidr stopped her from committing suicide
so to repay him she needs to prove she can survive on her own.
And this is the nine-year-old girl.
Who is now 11?
Yeah well uh two years old.
Four years.
Oh so now she's four years of tutoring so 13.
Okay.
Ish.
Freyrin's translation reveals nothing about life extension.
Which Heidr already knew apparently.
It was just an excuse to have Freyrin train Fern.
It was the only way to get her to stay to train.
He just dies of a heart attack?
Heidr dies shortly afterward.
So Fern joins Freyrin on her journey on her travels but is confused by the effort Freyrin
puts into learning spells even silly ones because Freyrin likes to go and find unique
weird spells and like weird uh grimoires and stuff.
I like to find weird odd stories and news.
Yeah.
Uh in a certain village they find a statue of Heimel that Freyrin is compelled to decorate
with blue moon weed a flower from Heimel's village.
As it is extinct they spend six months searching for even a single flower so Freyrin can save
it.
Fern is frustrated Freyrin could be helping the world yet waste years on seamlessly pointless
tasks because again she's immortal basically like she doesn't think about time in the same
way.
Uh Freyrin reveals Heimel inspired her spell collecting to prevent the apathy caused by
her lifespan.
So it's like he's he told her it's like why don't you love like why don't you find spells
you like like unique random spells because it gives her life meaning her being immortal
and everything you know.
Uh eventually they find the flower and a seed rat nest allowing Freyrin to create a field
of them in Heimel's memory.
Fern realizes it is important to have passion but be it for magic or anything else.
So it's like a life lesson almost of don't uh rush through life trying to find stuff
that's useless.
Okay.
It's a good it's a good you know moral basically.
Uh episode three is called killing magic.
So Fern notices Freyrin acting suspicious and follows her on several unusual and dangerous
shops.
Freyrin admits despite her efforts she has learned almost nothing about Fern and was
trying to think of a gift for Fern's birthday.
Fern is happier knowing Freyrin at least tried to look learn about her because again like
Freyrin used to not care about humans at all she was just like no emotion about it like
she really just didn't give a shit.
Uh Freyrin decides to revisit places that she had visited with Heimel, Heiter and Aizen.
The first place is a village where Freyrin sealed away Qol the demon of corruption during
their 10 year.
So I thought they killed him.
Well it's a demon it's one of the generals that are they sealed him away though.
The seal will break soon so Freyrin must defeat Qol.
She is surprised to learn Heimel checked the seal every year until he had died and was
always confident Freyrin would visit before it broke.
So the hero coming through even as an elderly man checking to make sure the seal is still
good.
Is this fucking chicken lock set?
It's okay.
It's good.
Freyrin reveals Qol invented a killing spell that bypassed all barriers and armor to strike
the body directly which was so powerful at the time she could only manage to seal rather
than destroy him.
Qol the demon is unsealed but Freyrin reveals in the 80 years that since she had originally
sealed this demon he has been asleep.
Human mages learned and reverse engineered his spell allowing them to develop new defense
spells to block it.
Because it's been 80 years so they figured stuff out.
Unable to harm them Qol is easily killed when Freyrin uses her own spell on him which he
does not know how to block.
Cause it's been 80 years.
Especially if you've been trapped for 80 years like you've been contemplating.
Yeah.
The minute I get out I'm gonna fucking run up.
The minute the second I step out of this fucking room I guarantee I'm gonna tear this village
up and he steps out and gets completely smoked.
Pretty much yes.
Freyrin realizes the village elder is a boy she met at the village 80 years ago.
Jesus.
Reminding her fondly of Heimel.
Fern also points out Heimel must have had a deep trust in Freyrin to be so certain that
she would return to deal with Qol the demon.
She'll be back.
Basically he put trust in her even though she was kind of like apathetic to everything.
Episode 4.
The Land Where Souls Rest.
In exchange for cleaning a beach Freyrin received a grimoire written by the famous mage Flame
or Flame even though it is a fake.
The work is finished by New Year where the locals traditionally watch the sunrise.
Freyrin a notoriously late sleeper misses sunrise during her last visit upsetting her
friends.
Her hero group.
Cause she slept in cause she never wants to wake up for shit.
Cause again being immortal she don't care about least than a day or two.
This time she makes it but finds the sunrise dull until she sees Fern enjoying herself
and realizes why missing it last time upset everyone because they were supposed to go
together.
They then visit Isen's home not having seen him in 30 years.
He asks for help searching for Vol Basin for Flam's genuine grimoire as Flam supposedly
found a way to speak to the dead and he thinks it would be beneficial for Freyrin to speak
with Heimel one more time since Heimel's dead.
Freyrin recalls Flam was her human master a thousand years ago who instructed her to
find her home if she ever felt regret and wanted to speak to the dead.
Freyrin recovers the genuine grimoire which describes were all souls goal.
Oriol as the northernmost point of the continent where the Demon Lord's castle is located.
On the way home Isen is happy Freyrin is learning to care about people and is a good teacher
to Fern.
Freyrin asks Isen to accompany them to Oriol but Isen declines citing he would slow them
down in his old age.
However Isen also reminds them that their original adventure to the Demon King's castle
took 10 years which Freyrin acknowledges.
So it's like I can't do 10 years in Vegas.
Oh my god woman.
You want to go do this again?
I just did this.
Like the mind is willing with two bodies weak.
Episode 5 is called Phantoms of the Dead.
So Freyrin acknowledges 10 years is potentially a tenth of Fern's lifespan but Fern decides
to follow her.
A short way into the journey they enter a village where several people disappeared after seeing
ghosts of their deceased relatives.
Freyrin suspects an Ein Som, a monster that lures victims with illusion magic.
So basically tricks them into thinking that they see a loved one and kills them after
seeing the illusion.
They cast me and put a big ol' booty on there.
It's like here you go.
I'll be caught instantly.
The illusions are easily destroyed with attack magic but as this involves attacking the ghosts
of people that they loved, even experienced warriors cannot fight back and become its
prey.
So it's like their wives or their children it'll put an illusion of whatever you care
about the most.
I find how cold hearted I actually am.
This sucka seven year old.
The Fern is almost caught by Heiter's ghost but Freyrin easily shoots Heimel's ghost.
Shoots with what?
Magic.
Oh.
Like attack magic.
So Fern can't kill the priest that she's seen in this illusion but Freyrin just kills Heimel's.
I was a...
Well I used to play Morrowind a lot.
I had a regular Xbox and they have friendly fire in the game.
So you can actually hit one of your teammates or allies in the game and they will just aggro
on you and then you have to kill them and it's like oh shit.
So I was hired by the Mage's Guild to escort this mage from Serenine to Vivec or some shit
like that and we're walking and this creature in the distance...
We're walking between two mountain cliffs right?
Well there's like in between two mountain ridges and we're walking in this little path
between them and I noticed this creature in the distance and I run after it, pull my sword
out and I'm like here we go about to beat this ass.
This motherfucker mage behind me throws a fireball that kills me, kills the creature,
kills everybody in that fucking half mile radius and I'm thinking why do you need me
to escort you anywhere?
When you can already defend yourself?
You fucking blew up half the town with one blast.
I just remember running toward the creature and I remember a fireball igniting right next
to me and it was just going errrrr.
And you have that cut screen of you dying?
And it just drops there and it makes this noise but they drop that errrrrr.
I never understood that.
Like where you always escort people that are way stronger than you.
I guess they don't know the directions.
I don't know who the fuck knows.
I just don't know where they are.
I hope we make sure not to fucking get in his way.
You take care of him.
God that was crazy.
Alright so continuing on the journey, Freyvan decides to kill a dragon to collect a grim
war from its nest.
This requires a strong warrior so she seeks out Stark, one of Aizen's students who once
defeated the dragon in a staring contest and now lives nearby.
Tony, Tony Stark.
Stark admits he has never killed a monster before and only won the famous staring contest
because he was frozen with fear.
He's like oh shit.
Freyvan gives him until morning to decide to help.
Feren doubts he is capable but Freyvan is confident since thanks to Aizen's training,
Stark possesses the strength to cut through solid rocks with his axe.
So he was trained by the dwarf at one point.
So episode 6 is called the hero of the village.
Also Stark admits that even though he is strong enough to take on the dragon, he is too afraid
to.
Feren encourages Stark by telling him all he needs is resolve.
The next day Stark reluctantly agrees to dispel the dragon.
I mean he's resolved but he gets fucking smashed to pieces when he fucking runs into the dragon.
So the next day Stark reluctantly agrees to help him.
However Freyvan points out that Aizen was always scared as well before a major battle.
So even during their journey, Aizen the dwarf would be nervous where he'd be rubbing his
hands and stuff.
I don't blame him.
Stark then engages the dragon and manages to kill it without needing any assistance
from Freyvan or Feren.
Freyvan collects the grimoire and Stark agrees to accompany her on her journey.
The trio head north to the city of Wal but find out the checkpoint is closed due to increased
monster activity in the northern lands.
Freyvan is content to stay in the city and continue her magic research but Feren and
Stark are real concerned when they find out it may take up to two years before the checkpoint
can be reopened.
Stark reveals to Feren that he wants to go on an adventure so that he can return to Aizen
to regale him with his stories.
Fortunately the city's castellan recognizes Freyvan and believe in that she is headed
north to pass by the monsters, gladly opens the checkpoint for her.
Freyvan and her party are given a heroes send off which embarrasses Freyvan but Feren and
Stark are excited that this marks the official beginning of their adventure.
Yay.
Cause Freyvan hated it whenever Heimel and Heidr and Aizen all went on this trip to begin
with cause they did the same shit so many years ago from the same town.
Right.
Cause she was like fuck again.
Cause she hates being recognized as the mage of the heroes party.
She just don't like it.
How famous are they?
Oh like completely famous.
Like they have statues and shit built on them.
Nice.
So like there's episodes where they'll find statues of her and the rest of them.
She's like oh.
Like she doesn't want to relive it again.
Episode 7 is called Like a Fairy Tale.
So Freyvan and her party continue to travel north and Freyvan explains that the elven
race has been declining since due to their long lives they are too apathetic to even
reproduce.
Just take it in.
They pass by another village with statues of her and her original party who celebrate
liberation day.
Freyvan recalls a memory where Heimel was adamant the party leave behind statues of
themselves as reminders to Freyvan that they actually existed and are not simply fairy
tales.
So it was Heimel's idea.
It's like you know what get the good picture of me where he's doing all the posing and
shit because he wants a good statue.
So that way Freyvan remembers them.
Now you remember this now?
So heading to another city Freyvan spots demons and tries to attack them only to be arrested
by the city guards for threatening peace envoys.
Fern and Stark visit Freyvan in the dungeon and reveal that one of the demon lords lieutenants
Aura has recently regained her powers and has been waging war against the city for 28
years.
They came both sides to open peace talks.
God dude just add just huge amounts of numbers.
27 years ago.
For Freyvan 92 months ago.
It's like for her it's like decades and decades have gone by.
Yeah.
However, Freyvan warns from experience that demons are incapable of being reasoned with
since they only learn human language as a way to deceive humans.
Like they don't have no souls.
So you're gonna stab me?
Like no you stabbed me.
Pretty much.
Just as Freyvan predicted the demon peace envoy led by Lugner.
That's a German sounding name I've never heard in my life.
It's got the two dots over the U as well.
Oh boy.
Are simply there to trick the city into lowering this barrier so Aura can raise it with her
army.
However, one of his attendants Draught heads to the dungeon to assassinate Freyvan but
she warns him that she is far more powerful than Aura.
And that's how the episode ends where he's going down there saying I'll fucking kill
you basically.
So the next episode is called Freyvan the Slayer.
This was her name during the war.
Well that answered that question.
So Draught ignores Freyvan's warning and attacks her but she easily kills him and escapes the
dungeon at the same time.
The city's Graf, Granat, becomes suspicious about Draught's disappearance and Freyvan's
escape and confronts Lugner.
With his plot exposed, Lugner captures Granat with the intention of forcing him to disable
the city's barrier.
Meanwhile, Fern and Stark agree to warn Granat about Lugner when they come across Freyvan.
Freyvan refuses to help them against him, confident that the two of them are strong
enough to defeat him instead.
It's like nah you take on the demons that are in the city.
She believes in Fern and Stark to be able to do it though.
So instead, Freyvan leaves to confront Aura, this demon chief out in the fields, who is
waiting outside the city with her army.
That night, Fern and Stark sneak into the keep and work together to seriously wound
Lugner.
With Granat badly injured, the two adventurers decide to rescue him and withdraw.
As he heals his wound, Lugner finally realizes that Freyvan is in the city.
He recalls how Freyrin is also nicknamed Freyrin the Slayer, due to killing more demons than
anybody else in history.
Well, you're immortal and I'm sure that's easy.
You pretty much, the shit just stacks.
Yeah, it keeps stacking every year.
Outside the city, Freyrin confronts Aura face to face, and we end the episode with them
staring each other down basically.
Episode 9 is called Aura the Guillotine.
Aura the Guillotine.
Yeah.
He's the demon's name.
Yeah.
Guillotine and the Freyr.
The Flair.
Uh, Freyrin the Slayer.
Slayer, sorry.
And Aura the Guillotine.
He's in flair like she's just cutting skin off.
Just PAH!
Like, oh my god!
So Fern and Stark manage to get Granat to safety in the town church, where he warns that
Aura's trump card is a magic artifact called the Scales of Obedience, which measure the
amount of mana she and her opponent has.
The one with the greater amount of mana can then dominate the loser, which is how she
has created an army of puppets.
Dominate or dominate?
Not the, uh, not dominatrix type.
Comes out with leather strap, leather belt, I'm like, oh no!
I'm gonna dominate you!
I love you.
You ever seen that scene from, uh, what's the fucking movie?
The, uh, The Signs of the Lambs?
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, and he's dancing.
You're like, I'm like, oh god.
I'm like, you heard.
You know, the weirdest thing about that actor, he played such a normal character in the TV
show Monk.
He was the chief of police.
Oh really?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
The guy with the mustache?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the guy with the, you fag me, hey Veevee.
That's it.
I didn't know it was the same person.
I was shocked.
I'm like, Captain?
What were you doing?
I saw Monk before I saw that.
Yeah, so I was like, I didn't know that.
It breaks, like, you see them as a real person, right?
Right.
Not as an actor until you see them in something else.
Plus, when he's in the movie, he's like, I'm gonna dominate you.
I'm gonna dominate you.
I'm gonna comes you.
I'm gonna comes you...
roll it puts the lotion on the skin that's what he's gonna be known for
basically I guarantee of any monk conventions right and they just come up
with lotion it does what it's told I gotta see that movie again it is so
true because he like legit has his fucking dick and balls tucked in between
his fucking legs and he's like just whips it out he went so hard on that
like a roll that's why I said he's gonna be known for that more than anything
else now and he's like his name was Buffalo Bill in the movie yeah I
remember that he had four losses but it's super cool it broke him that was
that was the origin he brought the team lost and he thought it's like they decided to
start killing me yeah those four losses broken all right let's see here
Freyren destroys one of Aura's puppets and seeing that she still has no
understanding of humanity concludes that she can kill her like a monster back in
the city Lugner and his assistant Lenny ambush Fern and Stark just a regular
name Lenny L I N I think it's a Len I or Lenny I'm gonna Lenny I can't
remember how they pronounced it in the anime well the demons initially have the
upper hand Stark learns that Lenny copied I Isen's fighting style from
observing him in battle but lacks the strength to execute his moves with
killing force hmm and uses that to his advantage to purposefully take a blow
from her axe so that he can land a killing blow on her because again he was
so used to training with eyes and he knows the full force of one of eyes and
actual attacks he's like you don't hear like he does bitch he can't look in his
head clear cleaved off like oh Fern seizes the initiative by taking advantage
of her main strength of being able to cast her spells more quickly than even
Frayren can eventually overwhelming Lugner's defenses and killing them oh
no and then we go into episode 10 is called a powerful mage so mortally
wounded Lugner is left to wonder how Fern is so powerful until he comes to
the realization that she has been suppressing her mana to look weaker than
she actually is oh my god that or it's Phoenix from the X-Men Apocalypse where
what's the name apocalypse yeah tries to take over he does something and like
Phoenix she was he chose her first whole full force right yeah he's like if we
disintegrate or he says something like I like I'm gonna pit full a pitful I
can't see the word right I'm trying to make it up a pitful a pitful level right
where he's just like I see now or when you say strong she really right she's
like I see the truth now disintegrates it's kind of the way he sees it because
like the a lot of it didn't like X-Men apocalypse yeah but I thought it was
brilliant that if apocalypse was was an ancient Egyptian mutant right right who
would transfer his consciousness to other mutants therefore taking their
abilities on top of what he already had so he was stacking different mutant
powers and what he wanted above everything else was to have full
omnipotence in everybody on planet Earth to him as a God so he wanted to have
Xavier's body and he would take his you know telepathy and he wouldn't because
he could he'd also enhance their powers once he'd like that I guess his ability
was to enhance powers his base one and if he had had that he would have
basically been a god on earth because he could he could be in everybody's head at
the exact same time right that would have been I want to see an apocalypse
like an apocalypse like victory comic book tie-in where he actually won
right see what the world would look like if he could control like then you could
you couldn't hide from him you couldn't the only person that would be okay would
be Magneto with that fucking helmet so they'd be making those helmets
like as they'd be trying hard as hell to make those fucking helmets so you
always have a little like you have a little splinter group that tries to
oppose yeah but you can never keep the like in public you have to not have the
helmet on and everybody's mind would it would be fucking crazy like it would be
impossible to do anything to apocalypse because he could read your fucking mind
yeah and he could do it across the whole world without the Cerebro right and like
he didn't need like take over like and he threw all everyone's fucking nuclear
bombs into space yeah like fuck your powers yeah because he had connected to
make he's connected to Xavier to make him to Cerebro one time because he was
yeah cuz he got caught by apocalypse he tried to use Cerebro to find apocalypse
he's like like come on was like he had that weird like who's in my head and he
actually flipped it and took over his body and then he like took over
everybody in the world's brain right that shit is like terrifying to me
because you can't get in this is this place is a minefield of evil stay away
from my head they'd run as soon as I get in but no they're like so you fan your
fans are threesome with a clown in a mine brother so you leave my fantasies
load you just the worst most disgusting thing you could take or it'd be funny
if like they don't even comment they just could leave my head and they just
look at me and then they leave shaking their hand just not even shaking their
head like they just stare me down and it's like utter silence and they just
walk
are you the best there was like hey look at dip out yeah all right so in a
flashback to a thousand years ago god dang she was a flum it comes across a
destroyed elven village and finds Freyran the only survivor having managed
to kill the demon general attacking her flum decides to take Freyran on as her
apprentice and teaches her how to indefinitely suppress her mana so that's
where Freyran how to do this and then she taught Fern she also teaches Freyran
how to fight demons since demons are proud and self-confident in their own
magic and are incapable of suppressing their own mana she explains that by
suppressing theirs they can trick the demons into feeling a false sense of
security where they can be destroyed in a surprise attack demons are too pompous
I'll be here before I just get him in the eyes it's all you need and they're
like oh and her last instruction to Freyran is to keep training in
suppressing her mana and live in obscurity until she is powerful enough
to defeat the demon king okay so that's what happened that's how for a
nap came so powerful right but so like the demon king was killed before the
series started right yes so he's gone yes okay and these are like little
generals that were left that's a rival yeah yeah so a thousand years later
Heimel and his party tracked down Freyran and attempt to recruit her seeing
that Heimel is instinctively sense of it can instinctively sense her true power
Freyran decides to join them and that's how she joined their party originally in
the present aura uses the scales of obedience but is horrified when Freyran
shows the true extent of her mana because she was suppressing it the
entire time that is just like a little field around her when she was
suppressing it and then it's just like expands like fuck oh shit I was so blind
so then aura is dominated by Freyran and is forced to behead herself under
Freyran's order ouch that's what apocalypse would have done
get yourself over yourself on the farm yeah we're done with you so episode 11
winter in the northern lands is a title of it after paying proper respects to
aura's victims and enjoying granades hospitality Freyran and her party
continues on their journey but plans to drop by alburst or out of boosts if it's
German a large magical city in the northern lands to get a first-class mage
certification that will enable them to travel through the northern plateau
however on the way they get lost in a blizzard in a foot of the Schwimmer
mountains and Stark begins to suffer hypothermia oh it's real cold out here
fortunately they find an emergency cabin and meet an elven monk named craft
Freyran and her party stay with craft inside the cabin for six months to ride
out the winter craft then confides in Freyran that he decided to worship the
goddess of this world because with all of his old friends dead and his
accomplishments long forgotten only she can remember his deeds and praise him
whenever he finally goes to heaven that's why you got to write a book yeah
everyone should write their own autobiography he then asks about
Freyran's past offering to praise her in the place of the goddess this triggers
a flashback where heiter once said the exact same words to Freyran and she
decided declines crafts offer stating somebody has already praised her craft
advises that Freyran cherish her friends and companions before parting ways with
her and her party so he tried to worship what he was of her Freyran well no he
was saying that if you don't want the goddess to recognize you I will but you
think they're both so long-lived she's like no no he's a she's like somebody
else already praised me at one point heiter the priest just completely ruined
this man like he tried so hard like oh let me have this one courtesy to
worship you she's like nah well his response he's like oh I see
oh well fuck you and the last one we'll cover for today because there's a
there's no end to the actual series it just keeps going so episode one he's not
that far now how many of us do this one have I think at the moment it's got
somewhere around 20 ish episodes or more amateurs but the season's not through
yet so I'll go to season to episode 12 and then we'll finish it again whatever
the season actually ends okay so episode 12 is called a real hero so on their way
to our burst Freyran and her party stopped by the village of the sword the
resting place of the legendary heroes sword so that Freyran can fulfill her
obligation to regularly regularly clear out the monsters attracted by the sword
itself huh Sark sees the hero sword still embedded in the zone and is
confused because he was told stories that Heimel successfully pulled the store
of the sword from the stone so the whole you know yeah Arthur like type thing
three and legends yeah so that's incorporated into this so there's a sword
in the stone Freyran you know is a real one yeah in Italy and we'll let me pull
it out there apparently too many people have tried and they cause some problems
so now they have it encased in fucking glass though really you fucking assholes
I want chance to be the king of Italy so Freyran remarks that Heimel failed
failed at pulling the sword but stories claimed otherwise are the fact she then
recalls how Heimel was not discouraged at all simply saying that he will prove
himself a hero by defeating the demon Lord without the sword itself what if
like it was what if it wasn't like a stone right like a small one and he's
like fuck it so he just starts using it as a club if you know what I mean like
you never actually pulls it out if you think the people who want people's the
party then heads to the next town where Fern learns it is Starks 18th birthday so
she asks him what gift he would like Stark reveals that he is not used to
getting present because his warrior family never celebrated them believing
he was a foyer for it too once a year for my birthday my family would try to
kill me happy birthday they considered him a
foyer too for being a coward especially whenever he ran away whenever a monster
attacked her village Fern reassures him that she and Freyran will make sure he
will not run away and helps him buy a silver bracelet upon returning to the
end Freyran has prepared hamburger steaks which Eisen has always traditionally
done on birthdays Oh hamburgers hamburgers a random choice well
hamburger steaks hamburger steaks you know like we're without the bun and with
like a sauce on top huh interesting they're really good to
very the Freyran reveals to Stark that among warrior cultures a hamburger steak
or a Hamburg steak since it's Japan is given to those I want my fucking double
big man is given to those acknowledged by his trying their hardest this triggers
a memory of her older brother of his older brother Stoltz secretly cooking a
Hamburg steak on his birthday as well as being the person telling Stark to flee
the village so that he can live Stark then feels some closure realizing that
his brother truly did love him even though his father may have died but yep
that's where we'll go ahead and in the the dive into this anime until the anime
actually finishes out and we can finish this one all right already anything
else Ted before we head on to reddit would you bug me
normally this is so fucking grotesquely low we're done all righty uh these are
today I fucked ups again as always first one is by the dude LA so this person
puts so I met this knockout 510 Eastern European girl we hit it off immediately
she was smart successful and funny but guy she was gorgeous and could have been
in high fashion model it could have been a high fashion model except she had big
boobs and ass Stephanie a guy who do you think me why is this relevant after our
fourth date we were getting along great and she opened up to me about her
insecurity about her weight and how since she was 13 years old the other girls
made fun of her because of her boobs this was my dream how was that it seems
like an odd thing to make me make fun of somebody for you I'm gonna shoot with
your big fat
I guess any big women pick any I guess they found your one like insecurity my
guess is that she was like like like a knockout around them right mm-hmm so
they were so insecure you had to find something to make fun of her own and that
was the only good fine just big had to be apparently that bothered her and
there's a really really sad story in on writing by Stephen King about some girl
in school it is fucking depressing if anyone wants to read it have a look it
up but it is the saddest shit I've ever read I went home that night so happy I
had dreams of love and happiness ever after I'm never gonna dance again
cue the fuck up cue the fuck up I fucked up now I woke up in the morning
excited to start the rest of my life hard as a fucking rock rock I grabbed my
phone to text my girl and wish her good morning I typed rapidly and hit send
instead of sending good morning darling I fat fingered it and either type dating
or farling and the autocorrect changed it to fatling good job so good morning my
good fat lane good morning fatly good morning you fat titty bitch is what I
text a girl of my dreams the morning after she opened up to me about her
trauma I didn't even realize until she texted me what the fuck did you call me
nothing beautiful there was no explaining my way out I sincerely begged
her to understand that there is no way I would have ever wrote that it's not a
word in my vocabulary fat lane is the less us fatly she wasn't hearing any of
it I never saw her again damn cuz he caught her fatly he fucked up
next one is by mr. Zorg mr. Zorg yeah so this person puts last night I booked a
hotel to hook a booked a hotel to hook up with this really cute girl I met on
bumble long story short fucking bumble damn that's supposed to be the
legitimate one I know where the women make all the choice right
long story short they don't pick me this is my first hookup in over six years so
I was feeling quite a bit nervous about the whole thing to the point that I was
experiencing experiencing some ED in the days approaching the date which had
never happened to me before and so nervous your dick doesn't work mm-hmm
oh I told my closest friend about this situation and he gave me a little
land ram he laughed his ass off for 45 minutes straight so he gave me a 25
milligram viagra 25 give me give me two of those and if I didn't I cut it in
half to take it and take it about 30 minutes before hooking up well the
moment arrives and I take it I decided not to tell my date to avoid the obvious
embarrassment of Edie but instead of hooking up right away we decided to go
grab a drink oh we're sitting at the bar while chatting and sipping cocktails
whenever I start noticing my face get flush I ignore it and continue the convo
pretty soon I start feeling dizzy the oxygen starts to get sucked out of the
room I have a history of vessel Vogel what's the handle fuck I don't know
what it is let me say Vasa Vogel where is he fucking a
what the fuck is that I don't know do you have a vagina like VAG VAG AL like
vagina vaginal weird so so I chose so I know the signs of whenever I'm about to
pass out oh lord I took two steps off of the barstool and collapsed onto the
restaurant quite his dick so big he was just passing on the budget registered my
penis and I just fucking knock out I wake up in a pile of sweat seen my date
and this big guy standing over me they both helped me sit it just fucking hard
is a rock too I can already tell what you're gonna say they both have me sit
in the booth my legs elevated and waitress brings me some water obviously I
was quite embarrassed but I tried my best to own up to the sheer absurdity of the
situation by cracking jokes while I recovered luckily this girl was super
cool about it but we understandably did not have sex after that I'm not we just
went back to the hotel and smoked weed a Taco Bell talked and watched
documentaries which was honestly pretty chill and fun on its own
Taco Bell was he consummate oh no oh you know what you want to look up talk about
good for that you might just keep sitting there with a heart on it too
that's weird a little bit next one is by OV do hi oh we do hi this person puts me
and my girlfriend we're having some fun times like we usually do one position I
like to give her oral is her sitting on my face having some fun times I know
he's lying out his asshole no worries we had done it many times before but this
time was different she got carried away and dropped all her weight onto my face
slash chin and I was struggling and died like a man bro but she feels about she
was about to bust so I couldn't stop and be a loser I heard a crack but didn't
feel anything she got off after finishing and it broke his nose and I
tried to talk about my jar jaw hurt a lot she broke his jaw holy shit I
disjointed my jaw I'll give you an oral disjointed yeah just isn't it
dislocated no just like not dislocated like popped it all the way off good lord
yeah how are they frown after a couple of try you want to be a fucking hollering
no oh god after a couple of tries I managed to put it back in place but in
the following days it would come back to what it was and it was kind of hurting so
I panicked and wanted to make a visit to the dog yeah why are that shit shut now
so I panicked and after and wanted to make a visit to the doc but after a
couple of days it stopped hurting and I started to enjoy cracking my jaw like
you do with two fingers good lord oh so you're ruining his
fucking jaw yeah so I never went to the dock and I don't feel any pain today the
jaw is still disjointed you can't tell while looking at me but I can feel it
and crack it as much as I want it feels kind of good we joke about it regularly
now it's like dude go to a fucking doctor don't be funny I'm saying oh I can I
feel the pain like like even a y'all look it should just breaks completely
something punches him and his shit just fucking cracks it was gonna be so much
more to the fucking killed it next one is by ring jacket R&J CKT
they just put a whole bunch of fucking cons in this together and there you go
this person puts so I 21 and bisexual that's a male it was spring break and I
was staying with my parents place but as with many things my horny ass had gotten
the better of me I didn't wait until I left my parents so I was unfathomably
horny that I needed to have sex this week eventually I found a grinder a
grinder hookup I snuck out we met up the difference the person wanted to pay me
for the sex oh okay I said I was like hell yeah how much you paying never
expecting expected money but he wanted to pay me so I obliged what horrific acts
you want to commit certain to right after we did the deed he wrote the cat
he wrote and cashed a check but for some unknown fucking reason he wrote it for
way more than what he wanted to pay he said it's okay just transfer it back to
me the problem the one thing I use the account for his food and bus fares the
moment I tried to send anything more than a couple hundred dollars per day it
bounces back we went through every finance app to transfer the cash but
still couldn't give what he wanted back to him because it exceeded my daily
withdrawal limit I have to call my bank and do multiple withdrawals over
multiple days but he is threatening me with my personal info my email my number
the license plate I had used my brother's car because it was the only car
outside of the garage fuck my life getting my parents involved legal
threats because it was you know let's see legal threats I normally very cut
and dry with anything sexual I've never done a hookup before all of this is
coming crashing down because I was horny and gave too much money to given he
gave me too much money wait first of all don't you fucking yes sir yeah look you
fucking third me I'll go to the police and say you hired me as a hooker for
one don't you dare threaten me try as a cry for help advice I'm stressing the
the fuck out so edit this person puts thank you for all the comments saying
it's a scam you really miss the red flags whenever your mind is racing a
hundred miles per hour I will call my bank and hopefully get the money I sent
and get confirmation that his checks will bounce I'm still stressed that he
is some of he has some of my personal info I don't know what will come of it
but I will make updates it is he you he's got that video him blowing him off
so exactly it doesn't help either no edit to thank you for the amazing
comments and insightful advice every commenter has given to me regarding my
stupidity it's really inspiring seeing a large community address the needs of
someone in need of in need for the respect of compassion crazy under a
lawyer to address the immediate recommended actions given I've already
filed a police report for my area I can only hope the situation resolves
quickly I've contacted my bank and have disabled all bank accounts and finance
apps app accounts involved in my fuckup and currently transferring my remaining
money to new ones the situation for getting refunds for the money I lost is
in development I've contacted my medical care regarding potential diseases and
will be receiving medication in my test appointment dates this week he do you
have a narrow disease too oh my god and this boss would be cross-busted to our
scales good lord go for a thick companies and try to scam you yeah that's
pretty weird it's a weird set up yeah it makes me sound like it makes it sound
like it's a whole guy you are camera eating has my money please god no and
I'm gonna send it I'd be like do that's the one benefit if you were porn star
you would not give off I'm gonna send you I'm gonna send all these nude
pictures you love as opposed to the other thousand that are already on the
internet all righty next one if I become an a-list celebrity the first thing you'll
see is my dick so you can't threaten me now cuz everybody's everyone's seen it
ever seen my booty hole too oh they've seen everything no I would not give a
fuck after that be like I'd be the one guy if the sex tip got leaked I'd be
like oh damn that's the wrong angle be like jackass
basically like they've been but I've taken everything yeah they don't care
no more no one dude really loves to whip out his big audience Pawnee's yeah
little too much all right next one it says today I discovered a strange lump
perched on my asshole despite having never had one I straight away I per
right on his asshole perched he had a little bit perched despite never had one
I knew straight away that it was a hemorrhoid it took even less time to
piece together the chain of events that caused this to happen in the first
place let me take you back to just under a week ago I woke up and my morning
coffee with some breakfast and shortly after felt my bowels moving in a way
that would suggest that I was about to have a glorious shit as it often as is
often the case I eat a lot of we'd a Bix never heard of that cereal nope or no
whatever the hell it is I'm assuming this is serious it sounds like weed
thins or something right I made my way to the toilet sat down and got myself
comfortable now my booty hole exploded now I'd like to preface this by saying
that for 26 whole years I have never needed to sneeze whilst taking a shit
not once this day was different however as before I'd even started crowning my
nose started twinge thinking nothing of it allowed myself to sneeze not knowing
the dire consequences that would follow I sneezed hard the sudden spasm caused my
entire body to tense up Jim generating so much torque that the whole shit I
had been brewing fired out of my hole with the force of a 50 caliber round
hi-dash it must have hurt that shit must have literally hurt a burning sirian
sensation followed shortly after a pain which would be ingrained into my memory
and one that I'm sure will live with me for many years to come
now so he gave himself a hemorrhoid to that sucks yeah now this one this is an
update to one that we had last week we have an update to something we've
actually done before yes this is the one about the guy like my my stories at the
supermarket this is an update yes this is the update to the guy that was banging
his former boss and her husband shit I forgot about him the sadness involved the
absolute true fucking what's the word did that just embarrassment yes so
palpable that he gave us secondhand embarrassment yes yes such a degree we
thought we were in the room too yes so the original too long didn't read is
that he agreed to sleep with his ex-boss while her husband watched him but the
husband fell asleep mid sex too much yeah we could made her mad we're gonna
argue while he's still pumping away with where he went home with instant regret
right this is the update it's long as fuck so you might want to skip to the
new TLDR below but we're not gonna do that we're gonna go through the whole
story okey-dokey so there I was face to face with my former boss boss and her
flatulent husband once again oh god I agreed to the meet to meet them at the
same restaurant as the last time because the free food was the only good thing I
remembered the purpose of the meeting according to my former boss was to clear
the air following what happened a phone call or a message or no communication at
all would have been more than acceptable for me because I wanted to
move on but my ex-boss insisted restoring peace in person I eventually
said yes the husband was in the men's room whenever I showed up for the
meeting which made me laugh a little on the inside because it seemed like an
unintentional nod to how active his ass was during our previous interaction
you know a flatulent is fun my ex-boss thanked me for agreeing to meet with her
and said her husband would join us soon meanwhile she apologized for how
unfortunate things turned out whenever we had sex before telling me that she
had been brainstorming ways to improve the experience for next time you know
next time ma'am please and when do men learn their lesson we never do the
husband emerged from the men's room at that moment and greeted me with the
awkward fist bump hey bro how that busy fear and an unspoken hello again well
his wife was trying to convince me to accept another invitation into their
bedroom she persuaded me to at least hear her out before I said yes or no her
plan was to pivot her approached in the bedroom and embraced a dominant position
during sex because she believes her husband would be less likely to fall
asleep again he was watching her put on a show and take control my ex-boss he
paused at that point and looked at her husband like that was his cue to swallow
his sushi and add to what she was saying the husband pointed his chopsticks at me
and said he was expecting more energy from a young guy fuck him what kind of
Twilight Zone are we living in where was then but based on what he observed
while he was still awake I was fucking his wife the same way he fucked his
wife whenever he's more in the mood to masturbate Jesus he's so bad and say
yeah they both sides are terrible at it I said having sex with another man's
wife while the man is in the room was like trying to poop comfortably while a
random person was watching they just could kick the door and you chew shit
the husband asked me if I made moaning noises whenever I pooped
because he's making money noise cut the damn shot I said my bones big poops was
dependent on how hard it was to push and clog my coat it depends man if you're
like a good you're like a really good shit like good shit the husband said I
might need to start pretending that I'm pushing as hard as possible whenever I
sleep with someone because I never made a sound whenever I was intimate with his
wife which which contributed to his struggle to stay awake I said pretending
to poop during sex with some sound advice coming from a guy who was unable
to stop farting while I was fucked I got two points I want to say I just
realized something okay you don't really think about it in the moment but now now
with the retrospection I just realized how like okay so two points porn and
murders I know they don't make sense right now but but they will I promise you
this is how my brain works so imagine you you posted a video online of your
enamorous endeavors right and you're like oh this is the best sex I've ever
had right and then you you don't realize how many people just skip past it like
it's nothing right you're right like you like the little number of the number one
through a hundred or some shit of videos yeah like skip skip yeah and like I'm
like that I was just how heartbreaking that would be that you're you look so
lame in the video they just skip you over skip skip and two is the one with
the murders like you imagine you're so you're such a boring person that they
skip over your murder mystery on a fucking TV show yeah I was like that it
would be like so basically this old guy saying like you can't like that's how
boring he was it was a skip video yes we've all had skip videos in porn some
are just horrible horrible right now I am in a what a fucking shock now out of
the courtesy I would have to watch shit videos even if I don't like them you
got yourself into something damn it I hate my brain so my ex-boss pushed her
plate away and said she had lost her appetite listening to us I said are you
living in a fucking movie what they pushed her plate away like I can't do
this today did you fucking throw her napkin on top of the plate like they do
in the movies I said I didn't think I was sexually compatible with my ex-boss
and her husband and suggested that they get another guy for the job what I
think yeah my ex-boss pointed out that the two of us were very sexually
compatible with when we were when we had our one night stand prior to her meeting
her husband I said I wouldn't call that sexually compatible since she was my
boss back then and both of us were drunk the husband said now he lost his
appetite too that's a hard thing to do for that big fat mother I said I had
someone in mind that might be perfect for what they want the husband
sarcastically asked if it's another young employee his wife hooked up with I
said it was one of my more sexually experienced friends my ex-boss said if
it's not that me then it's no one the husband encouraged his wife to at least
allow me to provide more information about my friend before instantly
calling off the whole thing the information I provided prompted my ex-
boss and her husband to agree to meet my friend I contacted my friend the
following day and explained the situation he became interested as soon
as I showed him photos of her I shared his contact details with her with his
permission and thought that would be to the end of my involvement in the circuit
how do I leave this situation little did I know that my friend would call me a
few days later to ask me why the fuck I never warned him that the husband had a
pit bull I said I didn't know my friend said that he had to fuck my ex-boss in
front of the husband and his hell hound that's weird why did white pick why the
dog love us better fucker or at least the dog I asked my friend if the pit
bull did anything to hurt him he said the dog barked from time to time and the
husband would tell the it either to shush the dog or translate and tell my
friend that the dog wanted him to do or not do during sex I was at a loss for
words I'm starting to think that I'm starting to think that the couple this is
their little role-playing bullshit game they're doing yeah I did do this on
purpose I think it is awkward as possible I'm not because they get off on
all these evil motherfuckers I was at a loss for words my friend said the
husband slapped his butt whenever he finished he called him a good boy it
sounded so ridiculous but I was struggling not to laugh however I did
feel bad for my friend because I could relate my friend said he wouldn't it
would have punched the husband if the pit bull was not in the picture I
apologize for introducing him to my ex boss and her husband my friend thanked me
for the trauma and said bye bro thanks for ruining my fucking life thanks blah
I decided to do what I should have done after my last post and blocked I killed
both of them and blocked my ex boss she's crazy but I think she somehow
married someone even crazier it sounds like it I'm still working on a way to
make my friend like me again you can fuck him I guess you can slap him on the
other told him a good boy seems to fix everything and that's all I've got for
a fix today I just thought that you'd like the update yeah no I don't know I
think they do enjoy it though I think they do I think they do that shit on
purpose I'd like the awkwardness yeah the thing they get off on it and when the
guy leaves they just fucking go hell hound on each other clearly say they
haven't in twice is one once is one thing twice is another just her push in
her flight away I'm also his plate is empty I'm also don't have an appetite
anymore I also lost my appetite is like a throws a plate on the floor anything
else had before we head out I just realized how I'll go to this to lick a
plate but you know it the nasty like I've done it once as a kid is a head and
it now doesn't adore it looks like the saddest shit you could get the rest of
this fucking piece of pizza all right well with that we will see you guys on
the next part three my third friend that I'm really