Hello and welcome back to the podcast. I'm Michael. I'm Noe. And we are the Knights of
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Oh, shit on my shirt. All right, welcome back to Cozy Nights. So we start as always, Cozy
Nights with the weirdest of news I could find. By the way, the other day on Sunday, I went
to go buy four newspapers. Them bitches called me 1750. And I didn't even find a single story.
Really?
I don't know how they do it in the news of the weird, those three guys. They must just
burn through newspapers every day. Because I'm going to try it just on the weekends because
you know it's expensive. But it's not like if it's just four newspapers on the weekend,
it's still 80 bucks almost in a month. So I'm gonna do it a little slower. But I didn't
hit much gold this time. But there's always next Sunday. Anyway, so I've got some stories
from the news of the weird by Chuck Shepard, John J Kahoot and Roland Sweet. I said five
of their stories that they uncovered, five news stories. The first one is, so this 22
year old kid in Wichita, Kansas, he tried to pass off two counterfeit bills. The bills
were a $16 denomination.
What the hell?
Like at first I thought he was a moron, right? But then I started thinking like maybe he's
not maybe like a lot of people don't know a $2 bill is real. So maybe he thought they
gave us like, Oh, yeah, it's a $16 bill. And it's got like Abe Lincoln on it or something.
And so that's what I'm thinking. Like, but still, I would have been like, this is this
isn't real.
I mean, I had whenever I was working in retail, there was a person that said, you know, it's
funny as a $2 bill. It's like, so it's true. Like, he's a good, he's just devastated his
whole life. It was everything real valued. I ruined his little saying that he had because
it's supposed to be as funny as a $3 bill. But it's funny as $2 bill. And he's just like,
real. And you just pull out, you just randomly put it out. I'll be the way.
I also have the same thing to where a guy was paying with $2 bills. And at the time
I was collecting them because it's like, you don't see them very often. Right. So it's
like, I'll pay you you know, the exact amount for those $2 bills. He's like, you know, those
are fake. So like, no, no, no, no, no bills are real. He starts crying. Yeah. That would
say but yeah, like, I guess he thought like he but I guess he he he ran into someone that
was a little bit smarter. He says things aren't real. They don't even look real. Well, think
about the people that don't know dollar coins are real and 50 cent pieces are real. Those
are real. Yeah, so he got arrested. Turned to pass two of them to a whopping $42 or $32.
I'm not too good with the math. All right, so this next one is this was kind of funny.
So these two guys, they broke into a slaughterhouse and they stole 1200 meat parts. I say meat
parts because they were 1200 animal rectums. They didn't know they were stealing basically
they were stealing inedible rectal tissue called the renettes which are used to cure
cheese. Oh, so they couldn't even use it or eat it. Just had a whole bunch of asshole
that they couldn't do anything with. One of them even tried to appeal at the Colorado
Court of Appeals because when the officers arrested him and they found out what they
stole, they laughed at him. So he said that that was an infringement of his constitutional
rights. What constitutional right? That's what the judge said. A constitutional right
cannot be laughed at? I guess so. You know what's funny? When I read the word animal
rectum, I burst out laughing because I also would have fit in. You stole some animal asses
animal assholes. Good Lord, he was eating ass. They took eating ass to a whole other
level. 1200? See, that's socially unacceptable. Eating that much kind of ass? That's the level
that we found. That's the final level? You're just going to be eating all that kind of ass.
Remember when we talked about that it's like what was socially acceptable? To eat ass.
Yeah. Oh man, that's crazy. Forgot to add my little timer. Hold on. So yeah, she shouldn't
be eating pig assholes. I guess not. That's crazy. 1200. You come home one day right in
your room and it's like why are there 1200 assholes in this fucking room? Rennets, I
guess. Yeah, it's a secure cheese. I guess to make cheese. That's even worse. It's like
what cheese are they using? What cheese are they making with these? Big booty dairy. I
don't know. I couldn't find a B word. I can tell. Because they got some big booty dairy.
All right, next one is a, this one's fucking crazy. So there's a law in Italy back in the
70s. I don't know if it's still in there now or if they just got rid of it, but you could
not arrest a woman if she was pregnant or had a child that was under six months old.
So this female thief avoided arrest for seven straight years by having seven babies back
to back. Oh my gosh. This woman's iron uterus was just pulling them out for seven straight
years and they could do nothing to her because you know, the minute she had one, right, she
would get ready for the next one and she would, the other one was still within the six months.
So she was like good until 1979 when they were like, oh, it's been seven months. Guess
where you're going. They still arrested her eventually. Could you imagine the cop that
would just wait seven years to arrest her? But hang on, how does that math even work?
I don't know. That's what it said. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because yeah, within seven, it
only takes nine months. So well, I was thinking, cause if she's pregnant too, you're right.
I was thinking it's like, how do you have a kid? Plus, I mean, like she could wait like
four months and then have another kid and right there as long as she is pregnant and
she has a kid that's under six, she's fucking sad. She was separate. She could have been
free to this day if she was still knocking them out. Just a hallway. He's like 57 kids.
That's a lot of children. Yeah. This next story is, so in Crown Point, Indiana, this
guy was so mad at his wife or not at his wife, but at the fact that his wife got a parking
ticket that he cocked his shut 102 parking meters. He took the, I don't know how long
it took him. It must have taken him all night, but 102. Now, if you look at it logistically,
right? That means that he was, he went to every single one. He cocked his shut and he
moved on to the next one. There could have been cars constantly going by, even if it's
late at night, right? There's always somebody, there'll be a homeless guy, the cops. That
means he got to 102 before they arrested him. He got 102. Can you imagine? That's a lot.
I can't fucking take my trash out or leave my parking lot in my house with seven cars
behind me, but this motherfucker can cock 102 parking meters and no one finds him until
he's done. That's crazy. Was it a small town? I don't know. 102, probably not. Wait, where
did you say it was? Crown Point, Indiana. He was just cocking away. Imagine if he ran
out of cock and went through the store and bought some, he probably had bags of it, just
fucking, did you imagine? He's got to reload the cocking gun. Imagine the guy at the fucking
store, he was like, cock it. So yeah, you got a new part of my house. I'm like 80 bottles
of cock. Oh God. You might waste more money than the parking ticket costs. Yeah, because
each tube of cocking is about four or something. And we don't even know what years this is
because it's on top of the year. Yeah, it could be like 1985, it costs like $15 now.
It isn't cheap now. It's at the dollar store. If you ever get your hands on it. It's the
most liquidy water. It's worse than if you just use toothpaste. Oh God. You can probably
actually think about it. You could probably use some of that dollar like the from like
Family Dollar, dollar store, Dollar Tree, any of those really, really cheap toothpastes
probably work just as good because like concrete fog. All right, last story for the day for
the news anyway. So in 1984 in East Hanford, Connecticut, this female stripper was charged
with animals cruelty and sexual assault. Yeah, I see that you're like, wait a minute, one
of the other. You're probably thinking that she bang a donkey on stage because she's a
stripper. No, no, I was thinking the gerbil. What she did was that she had a monkey in
her act that will pull her dress down and expose her breasts straight to jail. That
was much, much more tame. Yeah. Right. I was like, that's it. It's like, oh, did the monkey
fucking slap both titties before he hopped off her back or something? And even then it's
like a chimpanzee would do that anyway. So yeah, she got in trouble for that. I don't
know what happened to her, but that's just they said that she was charged. Yeah. I mean,
oh my God, I can already tell like you'd have to demonstrate to the judge, right? Yeah.
So here you go. He's gonna be watching the show with a donkey, a monkey and a woman.
Right? Because like they would have to demonstrate like your honor, she has to demonstrate to
the you know what I mean? Yeah. Don't you look it up. No, I'm not. No, I go. You open
up that can of worms. Oh God, no, no, no, no. Actually, I had a piece of weird news
for you. Oh, from Oklahoma. You know, I'm a connoisseur. It's pretty bad. Is it recent?
Literally a few hours ago. Does it involve children? Yes, it does. And does it involve
children? Yes, it does. Yes, I'm well aware. I told you about weird news connoisseur. I
am well aware of the fucking disgusting video of little kids licking people's toes. Did
you hear what they were licking off of it? It was something off of the toes. Peanut
butter. Hell, I know. Was it some fundraiser? Right? They said or supposedly? Yes. This
is this is their the district's response. The district. The district said I would have
been like y'all some fucking freaks. Yes. The district said that on Thursday, Deer Creek
High School hosted an assembly called Clash of Classes. First to pay to attend students
in ninth through 12th grades volunteered to participate in different class competitions,
according to the district. Deer Creek Schools noted that every student who participated
signed up for the games they played ahead of time. They claimed that they played ahead
of time and that no Deer Creek faculty or staff participated during the assembly. I
did never see my fucking face. The district also said students were paired up with corresponding
grade levels for the competition where students were seen in the video licking toes that had
peanut butter on them. Of what other students or? Yes. What kind of freak shit is this?
I don't know. That's some people's fetishes. Why? That's a lot of people's fetishes. People
pay for toe stuff. They pay high dollars. But in school? I don't fucking I don't know.
That's not that you would do. That's not me licking toes. I don't like toes at all.
No. That's fucking. They're gagging on toe. I'm not a foot connoisseur as one would say.
That is weird. It's a weird like it's not. It's not something you do in a school. I'm
sorry. Right. It's not something you do in a public place either. Because like how do
you go back to school the next day? It's like if you're on camera and shit. Yeah. They were
all on camera. Oh, whenever I seen it though it came through on my feed because I don't
usually get Oklahoma news like on X or anything like that. I love dinner. Kind of just glancing
through some stuff and it's like what the fuck is that? And it's like oh that's in like
China or something. I don't know. I saw it on the local news yesterday. Oh and today.
See I thought it was the third world country they were doing this in. I don't know what's
happening in the world. I don't either. I don't even know the context to this. It's
a fundraiser. They all signed papers. Papers for fucking what? What the fuck cancer? What
the fuck is going on? Like what is the fundraiser here? I don't know. Who wins here? The people
licking or the people being licked? I cannot think of any excuse that they could ever conceive
of that explains this. Like a little Nickelodeon defense. That don't even work in this case.
It does. It did for years. Do you know the Nickelodeon case? I haven't seen it in a while.
So for a time in like the early 2000s, mid 2000s maybe. Right. 07 is what I want to say
for some reason. During the time of iCarly and shows like that like Drake and Josh. Oh
okay. A little bit after that. Yeah. One of the major executive producers of Nickelodeon
if you remember there was a random foot symbol Nickelodeon for a long time. And for whatever
reason a lot of the kids shows had a lot of foot content. And it turned out that one of
the executive producers was a huge disgusting foot fetish guy. Not saying it's disgusting
to have foot fetish but the fact that he had children. Right. Right. Right. Right. You
can like tell us all you want. Just make them sure they're of age. But he had a massive
foot fetish and he made these kids do all these weird foot fetish type challenges and
stuff throughout the shows. Like foot fetish content in the shows for some reason. Right.
And until I guess I don't know what happened to him. Hopefully they beat the hell out of
him with a phone book. But uh. So there you go. Foot fetish is everywhere. I mean Quentin
Tarantino likes feet but they're all you know legal. That man have you ever seen the movie
there's more toes than that movie. Than in like any other. They mention the times you've
seen toes in movies. Oh the worst is Constantine though. What? With uh what's her name whenever
she's stepping on his head. Oh yeah. Full barefoot. Ugh. It's like it's like it's kind
of like this shit and it like goes in his mouth first. Like it does it but that'd be
fucking hilarious. Fucking junk. His mouth wide open. He wouldn't be a fucking freak
wouldn't he. And then he real jumps off and I'm gone. Oh my god he wouldn't do that shit
too. It's like now slap me on the other side. I'm fucking devastated now. I forgot about
that stuff too you reminded me. Yeah. As far as it from my memory I thought. When you're
talking about weird news it's like that's some fucking weird news right there. Yeah
and I knew about it but I just I was gonna talk. If anybody wants to look it up it's
in the. Don't. Don't. Don't. No if you want to see the responses for Deer Creek Public
Schools in Edmond Oklahoma. Some nasty shit. Question mark smiley fish. Talking about
news recent. I didn't talk about it because there wasn't enough time to like really research
it. Right. I don't want to just like jump on fucking people lick and toe. But it's too
late now. There's another one that I was going to talk about till I knew more about it was
that Willy Wonka thing in Scotland. You heard about it? I seen that. I seen that. Everyone
lost their fucking mind. Because it was the most poorly fucking put together amusement
park in the history of mankind. I seen it. Like fucking like it was a warehouse the size
of a fucking air air hangar air hangar with like fucking three three people working there
and like fucking two or three fucking decorations and that's it. It's the unknown. The unknown.
I'm like who the fuck is the unknown. What a lot of people pointed out is you thought
this was going to look like a CGI AI create like a beautiful like Willy Wonka esque. But
they were they looked at they showed the pictures. It's like that ain't real. What were you people
thinking? Some people travel traveled like like miles to be there. I know. Spent forty
dollars. They were going to get a handful of jelly beans and a quarter glass of lemonade.
Probably pissed on their face too. At this fucking rate. So a lot of people were saying
in the comments because I saw mostly on TikTok was like traumatized children angry parents
just like Willy Wonka in the Juggle Factory. The mission accomplished. You do the justice
basically. Oh God. All right. So we're done with the news for today. We'll move on to
we might be done for the news forever. You nasty bastards. We can move on to the cozy
kitchen and I have a little bit of a history story for those that wonder about Kentucky
Fried Chicken and it turns out the Colonel's Secret's recipe is not eleven herbs and spices.
Go figure. Because the Lord goes that the KFC is made from a combination of eleven herbs
and spices. Right. Turns out all is made of is salt pepper flour and mono sodium glutamate.
MSG. Good old MSG. That's all they make. That's all they make fucking KFC out of. I was at
it and MSG is salt on crack according to Uncle Roger. Salt on crack. What is MSG? It gives
more of like an umami flavor to stuff. So like whatever you put it in it kind of accentuates
the flavor a little bit. They actually said that way the KFC is so fucking KFC. Yeah.
But this chicken tastes like so much chicken. Yeah. What's funny is that you can probably
buy it at different places but like at Walmart they don't sell it as MSG. They sell it as
accent. Accent. Accent. That's the name of the product. They don't put just MSG but that's
what it is. Isn't it because it has like some terrible conditones to it or like undertones.
People are like oh that machine is bad for you. Everybody assumes that it was bad for
you for a long time but it's not. It's the same thing like salt's bad for you if you
eat high doses of it. You know everything in moderation. Yeah like if you had a table
spoonful of salt you're dead. Don't do it. But just in general you know like it depends
on how much of everything you eat so if you use it the same way you would with salt just
on different stuff you're fine. Moderation people that's all you need in life. Just moderate
yourself. The next one is Coca-Cola. Now yes it does come from Coca-Leaves and back in
the day it used to have cocaine in it and they say that now it's 99.5% sugar water but
even if they took all of the cocaine out of it even if 99.99% of the cocaine from the
coca leaves was removed there's still millions of cocaine particles would still be floating
in the cocaine. And what's funny too is another fact with that. They actually take the they
ship the coca leaves to somewhere up like. Oh I know what you mean. They drain out all
the fucking cocaine and give it to a laboratory for research. Then they get the leaves. Yes
and then they turn that stuff from the laboratory into codeine and stuff like that. Right. Yeah
and then they snort it or something. So basically one so the researchers or like this medical
facility or whatever they get the cocaine and Coca-Cola gets the leaves. Yep. With no
cocaine so they say. But I mean like Coca-Cola sells out like nothing nobody's business so
you tell me if they have cocaine or not. And you can't compare Coca-Cola to Pepsi they're
not the same. You don't get that same fucking rush and grit in your teeth as you do. Coca-Cola
doesn't make you like taste your teeth. Yeah it doesn't make you rub your teeth together.
That's a good coke right there. You don't feel that fucking tinge of a disappointment
when you hit the last drop of coke. Damn. Your Pepsi's like oh I'm out of Pepsi cool
but when you're out of Coke you're like ah damn. It's even proven that ants there was
somebody that did that experiment on YouTube where they put the drops of Pepsi in Coke.
The ants drank the coke first. Gotta love that cocaine. Even ants love it. Everyone
loves cocaine. And they allegedly that that ant that jumped on that spider to fight it
that screamed out Valhalla he had a bit of Coke the Coca-Cola before he jumped on it.
His dad. You ever seen that video. Yeah. He's just like Valhalla and he jumps on that spider.
He fucking took a hit of Coca-Cola before he hopped on. It was mercilessly eaten to death.
Alright now we move on to the I got two recipes today. Oh you don't want to disappoint the
people in the comments this time. What he didn't like zucchini? Why I was that my fault?
I didn't make the recipe. I'm just reading it as is. I'm not Gordon Ramsay god damn it.
I thought that was funny. He was mad as hell. I don't like zucchini either though. I agree
with that. Let me tell you the first one's okay. The next one's got one ingredient and you'll know
exactly what it is when I say it that you might not want to add to it. Right. I wouldn't but the
fact that it's on here I was like huh? So let's start with the first one. This one's Alfredo mac
and cheese. So you need 12 ounces of large elbowed pasta. One 15 ounce jar garlic Alfredo sauce. One
one one and a half teaspoon of paprika. Two cups shredded cheddar eight ounces. Two cups shredded
rotisserie chicken six ounces. Three cups chopped kale about one ounce. Grated Parmesan cheese
optional. So you heat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Coat two and a half quart baking. Is that right?
Quart baking dish with cooking spray in large pot of salted boiling water. Cook pasta according to
package directions for al dente. Reserve one cup pasta cooking liquid. Drain pasta well. Return
pasta to pot. In pot with pasta stir in Alfredo sauce. One tablespoon one teaspoon sorry of
paprika. Reserve cooking. I just gave the wrong ingredients and they fucking blow their brains.
Their taste buds explode. One teaspoon paprika. Reserve cooking liquid. One and a half cups
cheddar then chicken. Transfer half a mixture to the baking dish. Top with two cups kale. Top with
remaining pasta mixture cheddar and kale. Sprinkle with remaining paprika. Bake until hot and bubbly
about 20 minutes. Boil two to three minutes if desired. Top with Parmesan. Let stand 10 minutes.
Now as an easy variation you can make it a chicken and broccoli mac and cheese if you sub in the two
two frozen cups of broccoli florets thawed for instead of kale. So you're looking at a serving
of six. Active time 20 minutes. Total time 45 minutes. Calories for 550. Protein 30 grams so
there you go. Fat 26 grams. 13 grams saturated. Cholesterol 105 milligrams. Carbs 49 grams.
Sodium 760 milligrams. Fiber 3 grams and sugar 3 grams. So you got some delicious Alfredo mac
and cheese. Now we have the next one. This one is a barley chicken stew. Sounds fucking delicious.
Sort of. Till you get to the end. So you need three carrots. Two celery ribs. Two tablespoons
olive oil. Half of one 12 ounce package frozen chopped onion thawed, drained. So it's like one
and a half cups. One tablespoon curry powder. Two 14.5 ounce canned chicken broth. Three cups
shredded rotisserie chicken about nine ounces. Three fourth cup quick pearled barley. Six cups
whole leaf spinach. One three cup plain nonfat yogurt. Don't you look at me or talk to me. Don't
you say nothing to me. That's what it says. One third cup plain nonfat yogurt and then chopped
celery is optional instead of the yogurt being optional. Chopped celery is optional. So you peel
carrots, diced carrots and celery in pot heat oil over medium heat. Add onion. Cooks. Cooks
stirring occasionally until softened. About five minutes. Add carrots, celery and curry powder.
Cooks stirring often until softened. Seven to eight minutes. Stir broth in two cups water into
vegetable mixture. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium low. Partially cover. Cook until flavors
blend. About 10 minutes. Stir in shredded chicken and barley. Cook until barley is tender. Ten
minutes. Stir in spinach and yogurt. If this is stir it chopped celery. I don't make these up.
This is exactly what it says. You got a serving at six. After time of 20 minutes. Total time 45
minutes. Calories 250. Don't put in yogurt. I wouldn't. No because that'd be like getting a
creamy. Yeah it says that. A swirl of yogurt gives this warming bowl like delightfully creamy
texture. But if that was the case wouldn't you use like a heavy cream or something? I don't know
you gotta yell at the person who wrote this. I don't know for no idea. Maybe they like nonfat
yogurt. It's gonna be like adding zucchini to the dimples. So we're like calories 250. Protein 25
grams. A lot of protein in these. Jack is the damn yogurt. I got protein from the yogurt. Fat is 7
grams. 2 grams saturated. Cholesterol 60 milligrams. Carbs is 23 grams. Sodium 410 milligrams.
Fiber 4 grams. Sugar 4 grams. Dig in. In fact put 2 and 2 third cups of yogurt in there. Well it
depends on what kind of like soup you're making but I've seen like adding milk to like cheddar
like broccoli cheddar soup and stuff or. Oh yeah. Like powder. Yeah. Stuff like that but. Yogurt's an
interesting choice. Yeah. Especially if it's plain like you ever tried Greek yogurt just plain? You'll
fucking shit your pants. That is the sourest shit I've ever tasted in my life. Take a cum shot before
I take fucking yogurt. You're thinking about that though? It also adds sour to it. It isn't just. Oh
yeah. It'd be sour as fuck. Like I can see adding like you can want to add cheese or something like
to get it to be creamier or even milk. That would make more sense than kind of take jizz before I
take fucking yogurt in my fucking soup. Just fucking blast one in there. I wonder what it would look
like if you shot a load into a soup. It just fucking would have glopped. See now whoever makes this
recipe they're gonna be thinking about this while they're adding yogurt. I don't know. Yogurt's
an interesting. Yogurt's like its own thing. I just don't want it near my soup. Maybe like if I went
home right. Right. I went to no I go to Walmart and I buy those delicious fucking cans of like
pre-made soup. Like. Just put some yogurt in there. Yeah wild rice or like some fucking wild turkey
and like what's that word like gumbo or something. Uh-huh. I go home I fucking put it in the microwave.
I fucking take it out. I taste it. It's missing something. I look in the fridge and I grab the
fucking green yogurt and shove that shit in there. There it is. It is a very weird choice. Maybe
in other parts of the world we could be wrong. But I'm forever wrong. I'm always right. I know what
you call common sense. You know. Goddamn yogurt in my fucking soup. I feel like putting yogurt on a pizza.
People do put Philadelphia cheese sometimes. How bad is Philadelphia cheese. Why are they called Philadelphia cheese.
Do they use animal rectums to make them. No. Nobody. I don't even know what the hell you'd use those for.
What cheese. Cheese that you don't want. The kind of the fucking bot flies on them. I don't know man.
Like they must like they just drape them over cheese or something until they fucking drain them.
They're called renettes. I've never heard of renettes before. They probably use it for that cheese that they make out there in France or Italy where it's got the maggots in it.
I don't know. The maggot cheese. No maggots are good to heal wounds as long as you don't leave them in there.
I delete to like the dead tissue. You gotta throw them out. I'll delete the recipe.
Bleaches are also gonna drain your blood but you know we don't do that no more either. No.
Maggots. Anyway. I'm a little bit like devastated because all in my head is just fucking people licking toes.
I still haven't gotten over it. I haven't had yogurt to the fucking stew. You got people licking tails. You got the unknown.
I'm fucking devastated today.
So we're gonna end the day with a new segment. Or not a new one but the one I haven't done much is Travels and Curiosities.
Where we travel the world from the comfort of our couches so we never leave the couch. Or what we call armchair nomads.
So these are a couple of locations I found that were interesting to me. I got these from Instagram. Atlas Obscura's Instagram.
On Instagram. I don't know how to say it without too well. So in Scotland there's a medieval abbey that had restorations done back in the 1990s.
And one of the stonemasons thought it'd be fucking hilarious. They had his own touch to one of the gargoyles.
So he made a xenomorph from the Alien series. So if you go there you're like that one looks that was not like the others.
So if people didn't know he had done this in the 90s. People would go there like do you see that?
They made that abbey in the 1540s and there's an alien on there. Like yeah okay calm down. That means aliens are real.
But no some guy did that in the 90s. He loved that movie. I love those movies.
Fucking Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in the first one. Alien. Oh six foot. She couldn't get it. I love them tall.
But like heights is what I should say. Getting into the alien stuff like Cat Williams and Rogan.
I'm too busy with the world right now. What to do with aliens?
Next one is in Barcelona Spain. There's a cemetery that has this really cool statue called the kiss of death statue.
It's basically a skeleton with wings just kissing some dude on the cheek and like whispering you're fucked.
Time to die. That's what it looks like to be honest. Like the guy's on his knees and he's like oh I'm dying.
The skeleton with the wings is just like a little pick on the cheek right before he rips his spine off his asshole or something.
Next one is in Boise Idaho. Close to home. There is in Boise Idaho the big Idaho potato hotel.
This is a big potato in this fucking farm that you can rent out. It's inside of the hotel.
It's shaped like a potato. It's just a fucking potato. I know yeah. That's how boring I know it.
I'm sorry I know I'm sorry. This is coming from people that live in Oklahoma.
Yeah you get to live in a potato. You can hang yourself on the fucking ceiling. In a potato.
In a potato. It's a good it's a good like uh part of your fucking list you want to fuck a potato.
Mash it. I don't know. You can make mashed potatoes. It's weird because like the hole in on the side right looks like you have to bend down to get in.
So it's like it's like it looks like really low until you go in and it's like it's higher in the middle.
Right. So it's just like it's just like a it's just a hotel like it's like a fucking it's just a tube that they put a couple of beds in.
And like a lamp a fridge maybe some sex toys I don't know a swing. Use a potato.
Use potato with a hole in the middle for some reason.
But it's just a potato that's all it is. God really. Plus imagine like if it's like like metallic right.
Everything you hear is like amplified like echoing. You can clap your cheeks and you can
and you can be clinging everywhere. They just be like you just be like
and then you gotta you gotta get the rhythm and then you get the
and then you'd be hearing that too yeah they're clinging like uh oh.
Oh they really doubled down on the potato thing didn't they.
And I don't know the only thing we have more of is that potatoes is more potatoes. We don't have nothing else.
This last one is uh well me being a uh a bibliophile and that means I like books.
I'm not a pedophile but whatever weird thought you thought uh like maybe like oh he matches
the base of the bible or something. No. A Biblophile? He jerks into Matthew Luke. Oh god.
A bibliophile is a person that really enjoys books. I have more books than I have time to read.
And I never have time to read. I can vouch for that.
So this is in Toronto Canada. There's a bookstore called the Monkey's Paw and they have a custom.
It's called the BibloMat. It is a custom vending machine that they had made where you take a token
which is worth about five dollars. You put it into the BibloMat and you get a free book.
A completely random book. With my luck it'll probably be Twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey
or some shit I don't want to read. A copy that they're trying to get rid of? Exactly.
Like the copy like oh damn it. Like I put in like three coins for 15 dollars. I get back
all three volumes of fucking Twilight. Like oh dang. Fifty Shades of Grey. I'll probably
read Fifty Shades of Grey. I kind of want to see that because I saw What's Her Name Dakota Johnson
when we saw Madame Webb. I want to read Fifty Shades of Grey. I want to. No I don't. What am I?
Who am I fucking kidding? I don't want to read that shit. All right guys so that's it for uh
well nothing that's it. I guess we can do a little bit of afterthought. I'm fucking
devastated right now. My brain can't get over it. I just imagine.
Don't take another tapas.
Fucking he like licks over a corn and he's like.
I gotcha. Don't you fucking vomit here. Then we'll all be fucking throwing up.
I thought you didn't throw up no more after your incident.
He means that I had to clean up vomit at work. Does that mean something else?
You're gonna go to the worst possible place. Oh god the incident. People always look for the worst.
And what could be the incident? The incident really was from a kid where he just oh he fucking
chucked all these carrots. Then they just left. They fucking did. We're sorry. We're so sorry.
I fucking cleaned the shit out of it. Like you had to harden your stomach. If not I'd have vomited
too. Be cleaning up your own as well. Yeah be cleaning up my mask. Everything. So yeah like
it hits me sometimes because like sometimes something's just nasty. Like the lick of the
peanut butter toast. What did they go like? They go like in between each one. Did you see in the
video? I did not actually. I watched on the local news. I didn't watch it that close. No it was on
the like the everything was blurred. I know but I'm not even blurred. It's like oh oh.
Where did you get a lot of explaining? Yeah. Oh god. These are these high school kids. It's like
what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah they're all freaks anyway. You can already tell.
They all consented to this I guess. I don't remember a class. I would never like it. They
just go like all right students who wants to lick toast? You know what I mean? Like what the
how did this fucking conversation? That's what I'm saying. How did this even come about? Like
there is no good. There's no good answer they can give. No good spin on this fucking ring at all.
Fire they made. There's no silver lining. There's you know nothing. It's like we raised 18 dollars
from the one guy that wanted to speed lick. From the one guy that fucking videotaped it all.
Oh god. Well that's it for Cozy Nights. I'm gonna take a shower.
All right everybody we uh we'll see you next week so as always uh what was my outro? I don't
remember anymore. I'm fucking devastated right now. My day can't be softer. It's like the reverse of
soft. It's deflating. So uh you know stay cozy. See you next time. All right what do you have in
Urban Dictionary? I can't go on from that. Urban Dictionary? Let's see.
As long as it doesn't involve toes.
What is it? Urban Dictionary. Where is it? All right so what we got? What did I do here? Holy shit.
All right I looked up for some reason I added this massive one off the back called Maryland's
Eastern Shore and is uh known by some as Bumblefuck or the Vortex. It's a place where most people who
are born there want to get the hell out of there but can't and no one else thinks that it's the
most fun place in the world which would explain why real estate values keep down or doubling.
They wrote the book on the fisherman's way of life so don't try trash talking, pick up trucks,
sailing, crabbing, or just sitting in a little rowboat with a cooler full of worms and beer.
However the area's quaint feeling natural insular behavior or background are the perfect conditions
for the influx of culture going on at the moment. This is the island the wedding party went back to
in wedding crashes. Oh that's why I added this. Politicians love the area especially in Tolba
County where there's a lot of republican sympathies as opposed to the western shore
but also a fair few music producers stay to chill out and enjoy very low maintenance lifestyle.
Only warnings don't get too violent if anyone pipes you. Don't know what that means. There's
a distribution of normal old people and cops hate teenagers who get so like arrested for things like
loitering and underage possession of cigarettes. Solution boat parties. Disclaimer avoid cameras at
all costs unless you feel like investing in condoms to wear as gloves you'll need them.
Okay I don't know what that last part man must be filthy in Cambridge. Before you touch anything
put a condom on. I guess so. Orange YouTube the pornhub. It's used by people that cannot mention
the word pornhub on the platform they use because they will censor them so there you go. Orange
YouTube is pornhub. We've been censored a long time ago so. Have we? I haven't even noticed.
This one's called little stud. It puts on a small penis and likes to use it a lot on people.
It also has a strong like in the door handles. I don't know I don't know that but maybe like
to stick the dick in the lock or something. Give him a gap. This one I'm proud I don't have thankfully
it's called swamp face. It's uh swamp face is someone whose facial hair grows in like patchy
semas. As you can see I have a luxurious fully formed beard. Your bro a hoe. Worse than your
sister and mister or your dad lesbian your mom gay your grandpa your grandpa have a tramp or
your granny a tranny. So apparently your bro a hoe is the worst one. Your granny a tranny though
that's a that's a good combination of words. I do love me I do love me fucking uh what's the word
language. I love the English glamour. I can't even say English glamour. English glamour. Gramour.
Glamour English grammar. This one someone wrote just to be an asshole that Mr. Ramos
this this guy is an asshole this is an asshole math teacher. So Mr. Ramos sorry but you suck at math
apparently. And he probably teaches it. This one's called Mississippi long river. What? When your shit
when your chick shits on your dick. Mississippi long river. No I'm good. I don't need that no.
Encore what you call a really really bad case of the clap. The encore. Because it came back for a
second. I guess uh you get another round of it. Three four five six seven eight all right nine
just making sure I'm on the right number. Ten at a time. This one's called a dirty Spartan. It's when
you're fucking a girl from behind and all of a sudden you yell this is spartan kick her off the bed.
That's a good one. Yes.
He's fucking kick her in the back of the ass. You could just make her go flying.
This one's called hoochie. It's an off brand of uh uh Gucci for the hoochie mamas.
It's a knockoff brand from China. Basically. You want some hoochie?
Kind of like Fubu. Or is it foe boo? What is it like uh bofu like buy us fuck you.
Yeah because the original was foe boo. From uh how high. Yeah. I love that movie. Uh because
the guy that uh created foe boo he's on shark. Or is it boo foe? Buy us fuck you. Yeah I think
it's buy us. Yeah. It's boo foe. Is that a foe boo? Yeah. So that's it for uh urban dictionary.
Right. You guys might not know this but we're devastated from a recent video on Monday.
We haven't fully recovered. If you're listening to the full podcast you just heard all about it.
You heard all the fucking horror. Now there are three things that I would like to uh to bring up
that don't have to do with anything um any segments that we have right. But there are
a couple things right. Number one Wendy's has forgot what company they are. I don't know if
you've seen this article going around recently but they tried to have um what would you consider it uh
pricing based on how busy they are. Interesting. So they would raise the price if they're busier.
So if it's low no one goes. It's a regular price. Wait so it's just a default like it goes higher.
When they're busier. They have lost the fact that they're a fast food company.
Heesh. And nobody wants to pay extra. No. Like what the hell. Especially not for fucking Wendy's.
Right. This probably would have gone on Cozy Kitchen.
Well that's why I said I don't know what segment or anything would have went in but still.
Okay Wendy you must have lost your goddamn mind. And then I also heard I don't are you familiar
with uh who Hassan Piker is. No. Don't know who Hassan or uh Azmingle. Oh that guy yeah.
Okay they're streamers right. Oh Hassan the crazy one yeah. Yeah yeah the the communist.
Communist with asterisk marks even though he makes me. Regardless he uh he went on stream and uh he's
like you know it's hard being a streamer and it just takes away it just robs my souls.
And he said that his job is harder than a regular job. Yeah it must be nice. Yeah. Do you know how
many people came out like bro what the fuck did you just say. You said and he said it just drains
my social battery. You know how rich you have to be to have a social battery. Most people you go
to work. You fucking deal with the absolute fucking uh what's the word I'm looking for here. The
absolute fucking roller coaster that is mankind. Yes. And then you go home and you fucking cry and
you go back the next day. And if you have something that you have to do after work you go do it.
Regardless if you want to or not. Regardless of what your social battery level is at.
You have to go do it. He came out after that he's like well you know I could just it just robs my
social battery. And like if I had to do physical manual labor after doing this I could just I would
do that. I think I'll do it then. If everything is so easy go do the go do the manual labor jobs.
He acts like uh streaming like don't get me wrong I understand that streaming and you know all that
kind of stuff if you're doing it for hours at a time it might get taxing after a while. But as a
streamer that you're as big as Hassan Pyker or Asmongold or any of them. How big is he? He makes
millions he makes 200,000 plus a month. Like never heard of him. Yeah must be nice making millions.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. With a limited limited fucking uh uh world uh what's the word I.
Yeah and see I have two points with this though. One I understand that you can feel drained and it
can be taxing in different ways right. Like you can think god I have to constantly do streaming
and stuff like that. But the response to that you can also cut it down. Like you have the luxury of
not having to work as much every day if you don't want to. Maybe we don't know. They could have
contracts in place they have to like do a mandatory whatever. I know Twitch is like that. Like if
you're a Twitch affiliate you have to do a certain amount of like hours a month you're like fuck.
Yeah but he does this every day. Well he'd be all right. That's what I'm saying. You could if
you're doing nine hours a day supposedly cut it down to five. You're gonna still make the same
amount of money because people buy your stuff they steal and then half the time they're just
letting the video play whether or not while they're eating and like bro you're not working
but working. He watched my mukbaka videos. Yeah kind of. Yeah it's more of that kind of thing.
I don't know. But regardless you know. No idea. I have no idea what he's up to. That was my point
though and my rant is if everything is just so damn easy aside from streaming go do it. Like I
don't care. You can come with me for a day. I'd be crying by the end of the damn day. You could work
it where no way works. Oh my god that would ruin you for the rest of your life. Or I'll make
you stronger. Sure will make me stronger. You know I think you'd collapse. I don't know. I don't
know the guy. I've seen uh seen not necessarily a lot of his stuff but he comes up regularly on X
and stuff like that like clips. Or it's like bro. Bro. That's easy. I watch porn stars on X.
What are you up to today? Oh some titties.
I'm gonna move on with my. If I'm not writing or reading uh uh books or scripts or watching
pornography. I don't know shit what's going on in social media. But like I said those it's two
things that don't fit into necessarily a category or anything but two things that lost their.
Maybe Wendy's. That's what I was gonna say. Two things that have lost what the meaning of what
they are. A streamer you're supposed to stream. Wendy's your fucking fast food. How the hell do
you think that you're gonna raise the price of your burgers during high traffic? I'd be putting
cocaine in them burgers. With their their fresh patties. Their square fresh patties. Oh yeah the
square patties. I could never get over those. Like where do I start? Where do I bite? What corner?
Because if you bite the center you're just like oh why did I bite the center of it? We can't go to
McDonald's. They'll give me a fucking mini mac again. We can't go anywhere. We can't go to
Wendy's. We can't go to McDonald's. That's what I'm saying. The fast food place has lost what they
are. See the fucking line with the lemon service and spices. They had crack. It's. I can't cook
my own meals. What am I supposed to do? But that's my little little short little rant that didn't go
with anything else. Look at this fucking hair. Like right underneath my leg where my beard is.
This motherfucker always goes into my mouth. Every fucking time. At least it ain't a toe. At least
it's not a toe. God imagine in the video one guy one person stops and they take a hair a toe hair out
and then they go back to the leg. Oh you know somebody has one too. I'm so fucking devastated.
All right moving on to our breakdown for the week. We are covering
uh it is Sukumichi Moonlit Fantasy. What is that? It's an Isekai. What's an Isekai?
Die and go to another world. Oh one of those. Yeah there's always a bunch of those. What is
with that weird genre? It's like my life wish. I'm 13 years old and I died and I went to a better
life. You're definitely starting your life at all. I don't understand if you were 89 right? Well a
lot of the new ones and a lot of what there's a lot of them that is middle-aged like salary workers
that pass away. Is that not kids? So we're gonna die. What if we die we go to a worse fucking place?
There's some other Isekais out there. They're just brutal like even more like uh. Well remember we do
a fantasy or redo a healer I mean. I think so. The one that we never aired. Oh yeah yes. That was one
of those. Remember it was a horrible one. Wait I thought he was he from somewhere else? I think
originally yeah. Where he died and became a healer they abused him like the the pigs that we talked
about in the first segment. I know. Yeah they never aired. Yeah you guys will never hear that
because that shit was fucking dark as hell. The darkest Isekai. I mean look Overlord has some dark
moments in it like uh where Demiurge uses uh human skin to make scrolls but that's still nowhere near
as dark as the redo of a healer. Yeah. So this one's the Tsukimichi moonlit fantasy. The thing is moonlit
fantasy is what's kind of like offsetting me. It's not that dark. I don't know. I felt like that
it's not like that was freaky is what I'm saying. Uh no it's not like that really either. Boring then.
Uh it's got some comedy elements to it and stuff like that but uh episode one is called failed hero.
Failed dot dot dot hero. So uh Mizumi Mikado uh is transported into another world to become a hero
by the god uh Tsukiyomi. The other world's goddess deems Maka Maka no too ugly and banishes him to her
world's wasteland. Jesus yeah. Is it a guy or a girl getting wasted? You went ugly. You went ugly
motherfucking. Like huh? God dang how fucking ugly is it? He looks kind of normal but just gets fucking
shit and puts a paper bag over his head and throws him out. Basically that's what she does to him.
Infested with uh non-humans and monsters in the wasteland. She sets him to this area because it's
so ugly. Uh giving him only the ability to understand all language except for human. Gee thanks.
Please. He's so fucking ugly. I can't understand 90 percent of the population.
Because every human apparently in this world is like model level. It's like beautiful. Wow so.
So she looks at him and he's like oh god you're ugly. So they're all like a fucking 11. He's like
a seven. They're like oh six maybe. A six. God dang. So uh Sukiyomi intervenes which is the
god that's of earth. Basically the the god of earth that he uh he sent him to that other this
new world with this goddess because it was like part of their deal or something like that that
the gods had. So Sukiyomi intervenes explaining in uh Japan uh Makoto's abilities were restricted
by modern life but in the new world he is quite powerful and free to do whatever he pleases in
this new world. So after wandering the wasteland for three days Makoto saves a young orc named Emma
where she's got like a she's a pig kind of looks like uh Miss Piggy. Only little.
Wolf uh she he saves her from a two-headed wolf monster which he kills discovering how strong he
actually is. Emma explains she was supposed to be a sacrifice to the god Shin to dispel the fog
around her village so crops would grow her crops would grow. She takes him to her village where
Makoto begins to learn magic like fireball the basics that you would normally get in all
uh dead lord in these uh fantasy style anime. Makoto decides to destroy Shin turns out as a
giant dragon who uses the fog to create illusions. So like think Chinese dragon type dragon.
Lollahs?
Yeah.
Uh he becomes intrigued I mean uh by his memories of Japan. So uh this Shin dragon
uh can see Makoto's memories basically. Uh Makoto breaks the illusion and is surprised when Shin
offers to make a contract with him to become his familiar because they're interested in his life
basically and the memories that he's got. So Makoto agrees and they form a contract with Shin
transforming into a busty samurai girl looking forward to what Makoto will do in the future.
So then we go into episode two that's called Black Spider of Disaster. So Makoto discovers Shin is
obsessed with his memories of historical dramas and samurai. Like that's what she's with she's
focusing all on the samurai and stuff like the new like movies that he has seen. Oh yeah. And it's
like oh what is this oh what is like it intrigues her so much. Turning into seven samurai. So she
teleports Makoto to the alternate dimension where she normally lives but finds it now resembles
Japan's countryside. So by being making a contract with Makoto basically his influences turned her
alternate dimension into what he wanted which is Japan's countryside basically. He wanted feudal
Japan? Or like just the the way Japan looks like uh top uh topographically you know like mountains
stuff like that. So Makoto informs the orcs he defeated Shin who offers for the orcs to live in
her dimension which is now ideal for farming because it's like the farmlands of Japan at this
point. Shin continues watching Makoto's memories but demands they figure out how to build a
television where she can store his memories. A television? Because she sees what a television is.
How the fuck do we make a television? Half of the stuff we use in this modern world we don't know
how to fucking make. Exactly. So uh Makoto decides to discover more about his parents whom Tsukiyomi
the god told him were born in this world that he's in now before moving to Japan. So apparently they
dimension hopped at some point and that's why he would that's why Tsukiyomi the god of earth
had the deal with this goddess of this world to send him back because his parents moved to
to earth. Ah dang this is going just everywhere. Yeah yeah are you following this so far? Sort of
it wasn't hopping dimensions left and right like Rick uh Rick Sanchez. Dick.
Uh Shin appears when an injured dwarf explaining their dimension is being attacked by a spider
called the black the black disaster that is cursed with eternal hunger and consumes everything.
Okay. My bad lad. I wish it was this Scottish like the Mike Myers character from uh you know
me a fucking hilarious. Get in my belly. It's basically the way it is though. So Makoto manages
to completely obliterate the spider but collapses as the spider regenerates. Shin tries to intervene
but the spider suddenly declares the extreme violence has satisfied its uh uh what would be
masochistic hunger. He's just like I'm hard as a rock right now see you guys later.
And she is determined to stay with Makoto forever at this point. Oh fucking like a spider companion?
Uh Shin suggests the spider also form a contract with Makoto to gain a human form
and she agrees with Shin performing the ritual despite Makoto being unconscious.
Fucking titties just flop out. No she's kind of like more like a uh one of those traditional
Japanese girls like from the like old school feudal. Boy geishas? Uh not geisha just the
dress like a kimono and stuff like that. Makoto awakens and finds he has a new similarly busty
female servant. I bet your titties be flopping out. It makes him slightly nervous. So he's got
Shin which was a dragon and then he's got the he's got the other one now where uh she was a spider,
a giant spider and they're both like forces of nature in this new world. It'd be cool if they
each had a back tattoo. One was a dragon then one was a spider. So we go into uh episode three.
It's called Human Shock. It's not a harem one is it? No. It's a harem one at this point.
By the end of the series like 107 women. It's not like not that far now. It's not it's not classified
as a harem anime due to the fact that there's a bunch of different races that end up living
in this world and they're not all female so they can't really you can't class all right.
He's got the two basically. Those are the two main characters with him. Episode three Human Shock.
The dwarf is revealed to be Baron an elder dwarf capable of crafting artifacts. Baron also moves
his artifacts aren't they there by nature artifacts to be old? I'm sorry I'm reading too
much English grammar. Remember this is from Japan. I know I'm just saying an artifact is an item
that's old. You can't just make them. It's an artifact. You know god dang artifact.
It's a fucking watch you made an hour ago. Baron also moves his village into Shin's dimension.
The dragon's dimension now. Shin and the spider request personal names so Makoto renamed Shin
Tomoe after Tomoe Gozen which is a character of a belief samurai type thing. Tomoe oh that's a
that's the female samurai. Tomoe Gozen. He's a real person. Yeah he was a real person and names
the spider Mio. Makoto discovers while he is unconscious that Tomoe and Mio go recruiting
in his village is now populated by orcs dwarves mist lizards and similar spiders. Oh shit. So
Makoto returns to the normal world and finds a human village but they attack him. Tomoe explains
that Makoto's magical aura is so strong that humans probably mistook him for a demon lord. Ouch.
So not only is he considered ugly in this world. He's now considered a demon. His looks and his power.
Shit. So Makoto spends months learning the human language. Oh yes demon will be as ugly as you.
He can't be a human. But since he can't speak the language either he speaks. Oh yeah that bitch
do that. Get your shit away. So Makoto spends months learning the human language and has the
dwarves craft items to suppress his aura because they have the ability to make magical items
basically like all dwarves. I mean not you but. I would just find just make him one where like he
just like breathes into a like a little like uh gourd. He's like oh and then like he puts it away
right and all his powers are in that little gourd then he takes like a little vape and he fucking
powers up again. Simple. Like if you put all your powers in this gourd and then you have like a
little situation where he loses the gourd. So he's powerless. You gotta find him for that episode.
Now if I could get to the war bag. No these are rings that they make him where they absorb his
power throughout the day. God dang che che. Yeah yeah and then they eventually have like chains
going to each one of them because they keep breaking because they have so much power. This is right in
line to be complicating. Yeah so entering the human village posing as merchants they register
at the adventurers guild. Tomoe and Mio break records by being four times as powerful as the
next strongest adventurer. What Makoto due to his suppressed aura ranks level one weaker than a child.
Holy shit weaker than a child. Because they say oh maybe his aura is too strong we need to get
this other scroll and then he gets the other scroll and it bends too because he's just stupid.
There's no power. Shit. Because he's being suppressed by these artifacts that he's got now.
So Tomoe learns a dragon she knew Lancer has been killed by an adventurer named Sophia Bulga.
Makoto notices the price of commodities is unusually high and that people have begun following him.
Tomoe prepares to foil a night attack on their wagon while buying food Makoto and Mio
are approached by a young girl. That's how the episode ends. Episode four is called too late.
So the girl Rinon reveals her sister Toa disappeared. Tomoe confronts the thieves but
kills but kills three by accident and captures a fourth. Well not bad because she's too strong.
They're like oh I didn't know that they would die that easy. You're gonna slash one in the face and
fucking brace her neck. They kind of yeah. Rinon sketches Toa and Makoto deliver uh determines
from the thieves memories their group is holding a captive and sends Mio and Tomoe to retrieve her.
Makoto is concerned Toa resembles a girl named uh Hasegawa that he knew in Japan. That they kind
of look similar even though they're not the same person they look similar. Um Mio and Tomoe uh
locate Toa and her captor. Mio's ace the current strongest adventurer in this town.
Like or maybe in this entire area. Uh Rinon sneaks away and tells the thieves Makoto's wagon is full
of expensive fruit but he has already sold it. The thieves insist she steals Makoto's gold to pay
Toa's debts. Mills uh the thief's secret leader reveals a demon lord recently approached the city
and had a bounty placed on his head so he wants Mio and Toa and Tomoe to help hunt it. Not realizing
the demon lord was Makoto. Yeah I figured it would be. It's like there was a new demon lord go hunt him down.
Um careful with your eyes this is so ugly your eyes may burn. Like the bounty.
Rinon decides she cannot steal from Makoto after he has been so nice to her. So Mio uh Mio and Tomoe
defeat Mills and his thieves and destroy part of the city competing to see competing to see who has
defeated the most enemies. So they literally destroy the entire half of the city just by throwing
shit off and stuff like energy attacks and stuff. Yeah just destroyed the whole fucking city.
Rinon reunites with Toa uh Toa who is identical to Hazagawa apart from the hair killer. Makoto
praises Mio and Tomoe for rescuing Toa but then violently blasts them back into the wasteland
to repent for their foolishly destroying the entire human city. Because they're both kind of
like it's like that comedic moment of like uh team rocket flying off. Oh yeah definitely.
Because he just knocked them back into the entire wasteland because he's super strong. Team rocket.
I wonder if they saw Ash win the championship. I'm gonna be the main. They're fucking elderly
at this point. He's like he fucking did it. I told you Jesse. So you're right James. They're
like three kids now. All right uh episode five is called the greedy wagon's journey.
So Tomoe alters everyone's memories so the world believes a monster horde destroyed Zetsugaya.
That town. Zetsugaya's guild was destroyed by Makoto. As that was destroyed Makoto must
re-register in Sigi the next closest town. Makoto sprigs Tomoe into training alone in the wilderness
while he travels to Sigi with the other adventurers. Mio and Makoto kill many monsters that Toa
harvested as that harvest Toa harvests for valuable parts including rare ruby-eyed ants.
Like it's this weird ant type thing that's got these like emerald or not emerald ruby eyes that
are super valuable basically. Uh re-registering in Sigi Makoto celebrates with adventurers uh
Louisa the elven archer, Hazel the human alchemist, and Ranina the dwarf priest knight.
It's a little dwarf.
Uh Makoto decides to sell the ruby eyes to the Rembrandt trading company but is warned by Toa
that Rembrandt has a bad reputation. Returning to his village Emma reports on their progress.
The alke which are these uh the spiders that uh what do you call it um Mio brought to this realm.
Yeah. They're like uh think centaur but with a spider so top half is human-esque and then
Oh bottom half is a spider? Yeah. Fucking gross.
So uh the alke are said to make a match the character in Dark Souls yeah that's one of them's like that.
Is it? He has some big old tinnies.
So the alke are settling in the mountains the dwarves have begun constructing buildings and
the mist lizards are clearing farmland while the orcs have begun constructing Makoto's castle.
Makoto worries Tomoe has been gone a long time. Makoto is giving a merchant outfit by the dwarves
to further suppress his aura but his magic is too powerful and destroys the outfit.
And whenever it destroys the the the running joke with the stuff that this uh that the dwarves are
making him there's one specifically that's like this expert craftsman right.
And everything that he makes he wants it to drain so much magic from uh Makoto that it kills him.
He's like you put this on this will kill you and he puts it on and just destroys it.
It's like next time he keeps trying to find shit that'll kill.
Like that's this dwarves goal. To kill the guy that he's helping?
Yeah but he because he keeps uh destroying his uh like super prize that he makes.
He's like this is strong enough to kill you then it's not.
It's like it's this running gag through the whole thing of every time he puts it on
it's like or like a new ring or something it's like this is enough to drain all your magic.
And then when it blows up.
Yeah pretty much.
Um so Makoto discovers magical ingredients grown in the demiplane are more potent than normal or in
the normal world. Makoto takes the ruby eyes to the Rembrandt and finds the manager difficult to
deal with. Is it a carrot? No like just his reputation uh Rembrandt's reputation basically.
So we go into episode six which is called the uh the melancholy of the handsome middle-aged men.
We call that midlife crisis.
Yes the manager Patrick Rembrandt is dismissive until he sees the ruby eyes and apologizes.
He happily reveals the eyes make ambrosia a cure for his wife and daughter's curse by a witch.
That's why he's been acting this way is his wife and his daughters are cursed.
So Makoto goes to register as a merchant passes the written exam easily as it is basic middle
school mathematics in this world. The second test is to gather four dangerous items but he takes
advantage of a rule saying he can substitute items of equal value and substitutes to ruby uh ruby
ants instead. Makoto returns to the demiplane where he plans for to set up a hidden portal
to trick traveling merchants into thinking the demiplane is a hidden city. So they can come to
the demiplane but they think it's a hidden city through mist. Where it's like you go into this
valley and what do you want them there for to rob them? No to sell stuff. But he doesn't want
them to know that it's an actual different plane existence. So he creates this portal to be able to
do that. Um traded demiplane items and then returned home creating a demand for demiplane
products. Locating Tomoe with Mio, Makoto realizes Mio has some uh has become addicted to his
memories of anime and children's cartoons. Tomoe and Mio are confused when Makoto chooses to sleep
alone rather than pick one of them to have sex with. They just don't understand why he doesn't
want anything from them. He's like no I'm good. Maybe he's just homosexual who knows? Well no
it's that whole comedic thing again where he's like bright red whenever they try to
play something to him. The famous uh yeah trope. And they decide to come up with a seduction plan
between the two of them. Oh forewarning it doesn't work. I imagine not. Uh Hazel agrees to Makoto's
request for help uh to brew the ambrosia as uh adventurer watches Makoto and decides to gather
as many adventurers as he can to stop whatever Patrick is doing with Makoto. So episode seven
is called uh wondrous medicine production. So Patrick secretly has the witch doctor who
cursed his family uh dead. Hazel brews the ambrosia and Makoto can uh he restrains Patrick's wife
which is Rembrandt. He has him dead. Confused that he kills him? Yeah yeah Patrick discovers that the
witch that the witch doctor found him dead. His family is dead. Okay. I'm sorry if I read it weird
but he he discovers that the witch the witch doctor who cursed his family is dead at this point. He's
like fuck. Yeah. Fuck. So Hazel brews the ambrosia. Makoto uh can restrain Patrick's wife Lisa who has
become a monster and Patrick successfully administers the ambrosia to her. Using this
method they also cure Patrick's daughters the same way they did. It'd be funny if a joke was that
his wife never changed. He just always assumed she was that crazy. He was just like oh my god
she was that crazy. You know what I'm saying? She's got bold hair bold head and stuff and hair falling out
red eyes. Yeah. He just never acknowledges she's cursed like she's always like that.
That's just her. She's that time of the month you know. Women am I right? She fucking throws a fireball out of me.
Um Makoto then returns home uh returns to Tomoe and Mio but they're attacked by an adventurer
Lime Latte. Lime Latte? Lime Latte? Must be refreshing. You think it's funny because Mokoto's like Lime Latte?
He put lime in their latte and gets a fucking fireball thrown at him.
And his numerous allies after defeating all 200 enemies Lime claims he only wanted a sleeping
curse to be put on Lisa and her daughters as revenge for Patrick preventing adventurers who
displeased him from finding further work. Uh many of whom later died on quests far too dangerous for
them to handle and has no idea why the witch doctor cursed them into monsters. Yeah fucking a black
ball the hell out of them. Yeah. Lime apologizes to Patrick who decides to let him live and Lime
retires from adventuring at this point. He opens up a little uh unironically or he ironically opens
up a uh a fucking uh soup kitchen or something instead of a coffee shop. That's something that
didn't make any sense. Welcome to Lime Latte we make the best soups in the city.
But shouldn't you make me coffee? Coffee why? No reason. So Tomoe who has seen in Lime's memories
that he sends his wages to the orphanage where he grew up gives him a katana forged by the
dwarves and hires him to spy for her. Meanwhile despite his gratitude to Mokoto Patrick considers
what to do with Mokoto starting a competing company in his town. Returning to the demiplane
Emma informs Mokoto yet another problem has arisen. That's where we end on episode seven.
Episode eight is called Demiplane Ranking. Ranking. The warriors in Mokoto's village are
depressed after training and Mokoto learns it is his it is his fault as during training he
overwhelms them so completely that they lose their self-confidence when they try to spar with him.
He just destroys the shit out of them. So he also realizes the various species do not train with
each other so he arranges weekly competitions inspiring them to strengthen themselves and each
other so that way they can learn different tactics and stuff like that. Yeah since they're
different species and they've never really fought aside from maybe wars and stuff like that in this
world they're they're not used to like showing their secrets to each other so he gets them to
start doing that. Mokoto, Mio, and Tomoe re-register as adventurers and are immediately asked to train
an adventurer to replace Lime Latte. Fucking Lime Latte, got they? Fucking Legend of Lime Latte.
Mokoto chooses Toa and asks Tomoe to train her. Though Tomoe is troubled as she she knows Toa
resembles a girl from Japan and worries Mokoto misses his former life. Kapan? Mm-hmm. Tomoe puts
Toa and her team through a brutal training regime and then tests their new abilities by ordering
them to defeat a nest of 108 monsters. 108? Or 108? Ape. What if it is Caesar and his legion from Planet of the Apes?
And this proves them to be the strongest adventuring team. Apes don't want war.
Yes they do. They always want war. Mokoto decides to collect Ambrosia flowers. The flowers
eaten by the Ruby Ants to make their eyes valuable. He also decides to rent shop space from Patrick,
the rent brand. Hi I'm Patrick. Who realizes Mokoto wants to rent, who wants to rent as
buying would bring him to the attention of the Siki Kingdom who would ask him to spy on Patrick.
Basically he's like oh so you just want to rent rather than buy because then it wouldn't look
as bad like for the government. Like he does this whole thing in his own mind.
Sounds weird. He's doing it. This is perfect. It makes perfect sense if I don't buy it,
I won't have to sign the paperwork and it won't be in my name so when they find out it's me
they'll never find the greatest spy ever. He fucking climbs up a chimney and escapes.
What the fuck is he doing? So Patrick agrees to arrange the shop space for Mokoto in a neutral
city not allied to any kingdom. And that's where we end that one. Episode 9 is called Eat or Be
Eaten. So the village throws a party to celebrate that it's a lot of oranges.
You either eat or you're eaten. The village throws a party to celebrate Mokoto opening his
trading company. Akane reveals they have located ambrosia flowers in the outside world but decided
not to harvest any as they are protected by elves. Mio and Tomoe sense Mokoto dying repeatedly during
archery training. So apparently while he's training his archery skills they perceive him as he's dying
constantly which is real weird. Weird? Right. Real weird. So basically what it is is Tomoe deduces
that whenever Mokoto clears his mind to focus on the target he unintentionally merges with the
environment and dies for a split second. Even though he doesn't realize like he's his mind is
becoming so clear that he kind of like dissipates and comes back whenever he fires arrows which is
real weird which feels to Tomoe and Mio as if he has committed suicide. This has caused his mana to
increase to God's level so every time he dies he's like reborn and his levels keep going up higher
and higher without him even noticing it. We call it mana. Miami. A bit of mana. He has a little bit of mana.
If he continues the goddess who banished him to the wasteland will see him as a rival and try to kill him.
The one that called him ugly. He's just like oh. She comes and meet him for a piece of cords right?
He's like if it isn't the ugly mother fucker.
So Mokoto returns to the human world and is approached by a prostitute who he is
driving. Three-fitting. So he's driven away by the furious Mio and Tomoe. He's like oh hell no.
Oh hell no. They declare they are tired of waiting so they don't beat the shit out of the hooker.
They declare they are tired of waiting for him to grow up and will have sex with him immediately.
Mokoto panics and flees through a portal. I don't blame him. He's like oh hell no.
Oh stay off my fucking dick you whores. And he fucking dips. Like clappers but chimneys escapes.
The dwarves forge more powerful mana suppressing equipment for Mokoto. Mio apologizes for her and
Tomoe's behavior so Mokoto invites her to help negotiate with the elves that have these ambrosia
flowers. Other adventurers also appear to steal the flower one of whom is the prostitute.
Oh shit. Is that one person you can never fucking get away from? The last person you want to see
is the person that constantly runs into you like fuck. You found the loose friend. Yeah like fuck.
And calls the elves to attack immediately.
You just fucking walked in and you're like get this motherfucker.
Episode 10 is called Hidden Ogre Village. So Mokoto teleports the adventurers to the demiplane
and then makes peace with the elves Aqua and Eris. Mokoto meets Nilga Story and other elders.
Nilga Story's son, I don't know, is angry the barrier protecting the forest is weakening.
Mokoto meets Aqua and Eris's master Mondo, a powerful warrior. Mio the spider, the lady,
uh suspects Mondo is possessed and overhears a telepathic conversation between
Ondo and an unknown person about demons. Later a spirit frees itself from Mondo's body
and drains the life from Ondo, Adano, killing him for associating with demons. Mokoto identifies it
as a lich and captures it. So Tomoe reveals that she was the dragon who created the barrier
at Nilga Story's request many many years ago. It was me Barry. It was me all along. Because these
uh these ogres are like we had a dragon create this barrier and it's like oh that was me. Oh okay.
The lich explains he accidentally became a lich while trying to become a grant,
a human that can freely travel between alternate worlds like a god. That's why he became a lich.
Just research. He fucking failed or he tried? He failed miserably. Yeah Tomoe reveals uh
he has it the wrong way around. Grants are not humans who could travel. They are normal humans
who accidentally traveled and so learned that earned the title of grant. So it's never a power
that they had it's just accidents that happened. Probably the worst thing he wanted to hear.
It was? All the years years of fucking dedication and with hard work wasted.
Again the comedic element came in. He goes to his room and just fucking throws all the shit
off his desk. Fucking waste. Realizing he has wasted his entire life.
On an impossible goal. The lich happily accepts Tomoe's suggestion of forming a contract with
Makarou and teaching him about magic. The adventurers decide to escape the demiplane that
Makarou had forced them to. Uh the forming a contract returns the lich from his a skeleton
to a young and attractive dude and says he's like fuck he's like son of a bitch
because he's since he's ugly right well fuck he's like he can't be ugly too
A magical explosion occurs in the village causing Tomoe to collapse at this point. An unexpected
explosion right? So episode 11 is called goodbye. Goodbye. So Makarou and the lich can heal the
injured. Um Makarou realizes the explosion forced open the portal to the outside world.
Examining the memory fragments of the racist prostitute. Racist? Wait what does this part?
Because she hates all the the demi humans. I thought she's a racist. I had no idea I didn't
even I've glossed over that part. A prostitute? A racist prostitute.
I'm getting funny. Is that a random issue? I ain't taking your money. I don't like orcs
or elves or dwarves. So Makarou sees that she and her comrades attempted to steal magical items
and whenever the guards intervened one of the rings full of Makarou's magical
powers exploded killing Tomoe's child fragment and an orc. Ouch. Because she can create for Tomoe
can create like these little fragments that have their own like consciousness almost but they're
like mini kid versions that run around to go do whatever they want to do. Right. And one of
those were guarding this warehouse storage basically. Makarou follows the follows and
coldly kills the prostitute in revenge. Damn. Sounds like a character. Yeah he just killed her.
After the funerals because again these people died. After the funerals Makarou learns from
Lich now named Shiki that he can see the prostitutes memories because memory viewing is one of Tomoe's
powers. A sign they trust each other implicitly. Though this makes Mio jealous. That makes the
spider girl jealous about it. Makarou orders walls constructed so that any adventurers who
visit the demi plane to trade are kept separate from the village itself. Makarou visits Patrick
who has arranged Makarou shop space in the neutral town of Rottgaard academy.
Makarou hopes to visit the academy to learn more about the world the goddess and the humans at
this point. As he may be gone for a considerable time he takes only Shiki with him and gives Mio
and Tomoe more memories as gifts so that way they can keep themselves preoccupied while he's gone
because otherwise they may destroy every fucking thing. As they prepare to teleport the goddess
suddenly locates Makarou and tampers with his teleportation sending him to a distant battlefield
where two demon warriors attack him and sever two of his fingers. Ouch. They take their fucking
helmets off and they're fucking drop dead gorgeous and he's like he looks like ass.
Well he's like he's ready to teleport to it's a Rottgaard academy he's like he's got the
teleportation thing set up and he's getting ready to go and then all you hear is found you and he
gets teleported to somewhere he wasn't even intending to go. Damn that sucks. So episode 12
is called guided by the moon which is where the like the moonlit part of the show comes from.
Oh yeah I forgot the title of the show. The moonlit fantasy. Yeah.
Again there's season two already out too which is still going on right now so it does continue
after this but episode 12 final episode of the season the two reveal they are Sophia Bulger and
uh Mitsurugi the strongest adventurer in the world and the superior dragon she became famous
for supposedly killing. They explain they have joined the demon army to destroy humanity.
Makarou removes all his mana suppressing equipment overwhelming Mitsuguri and his magic
and shattering Sophia's legendary sword because he's like my daddy gave me that sword.
So he takes the shit off he's like okay motherfuckers. By the way I'm about to pull a
goku I take all his weights off. Pretty much yes and then all his true like true ugly looking demon
like ultimate ugly. Right before he kills right he's like you butt ugly and fucking
devastates him. So uh Makarou manages to teleport away and leaving Mitsuguri and Sophia alive
who swears revenge but the way he did this is he uh he was falling from this like from a super high
place or whatever I can't remember exactly how he got there but uh he was falling so he got these
rings that he had he just chucked the motherfuckers down exploded so that way he didn't like die on
the impact like because he has this um this ability to create like barriers almost around himself
and he was able to protect himself from like the explosion but the explosion created a fucking crater
like because it was so powerful just from the rings that he had uh which again these two people
were left to survive obviously but and they're swearing revenge at this point. You still ugly.
Patrick receives word of the army's destruction from a powerful mage but does not realize it is
Makarou. Shiki doesn't realize his lime with lime latte so you got a story to tell you.
Hey uh Tomoe uh Shiki believes the goddess used Makarou to destroy the army and maybe watch them.
Tomoe reveals that she created another fragment named Komoe uh using Makarou's mana uh from a
Komoe or Komoever. What a girl's Komoe. Her hair is just combed up a little side because she's bald on
top. She created him uh or created her him. He's been Komoe-re-thrown.
She created Komoe uh using Makarou's mana that from a discarded ring and Mio is furious when Komoe
calls Makarou papa. Papa? Makarou finally opens the shit. Am I gonna be as ugly as you?
You little mother fucker. Makarou finally opens a shop which is an instant success and learns
about uh learns after he teleported away that the demon and human armies did massive damage to each
other and that two other goddess summoned heroes took part in that battle as well. The village
throws a feast to celebrate Makarou's shop and he decides his uh if his future is looking bright.
Still the feast is interrupted by another fight between Mio and Tomoe causing Makarou to change
his mind that his media future is is quite annoying. Okay. So it ends on a kind of not
necessarily wholesome note but. It should make an anime where a supremely powerful entity right?
Who's terrorized the world for years finally like gets fed up with being evil so he opens up a little
shop in the town and the town is constantly under siege from powerful entities. All he wants to do
is have his little shop and there's like a running gag where some little kid always steals gum and he's
like you little son of a bitch and like yeah like every time like like there's like conspiracy in
the castle of like demon lords trying to take over the the king's throne and he's like all he
wants to do is open his shop and and but every time so he gets pulled and does all this bullshit
so all I want to do is fucking open my little shop and sell my little trinkets because I'm
retired and they just won't let me stay retired. It's like Michael Corleone. Anybody out there?
Yeah I know there's an anime that's like that. Send me the title. I guarantee you there's one out there.
Like every day like like he opens up at eight in the morning and by fucking nine o'clock at night
he's gotta fight some monsters. It's like damn it. Yeah and like I know there's an anime out there
called Couldn't Make It as a adventurer so I decided to open up a shop. There you go there's one.
There's there's I guarantee you there's one out there I just don't know the title.
There's probably one that's like just common sense that I can't even think of.
Oh yeah and that's uh Tsukamichi Moonlit Fantasy. Like it's like the end crisis him just like
like over the table like looking at the fucking bill like but the fucking calculus
kind of like One Punch Man but like uh him having to struggle in there keep his shop open for bills.
Like like $8.95 for what?
Oh he's constantly looking for the deals and stuff like that. Like probably making sure
we get the best deals for his shop. So that's how you buy this toilet paper at the other shop
for four and you sell each pack for a dollar and then that was a four pack you're selling each
fucking roll for a dollar fifty. What the hell you doing? So what you're you're lying. Yeah I
know there's one out there just if you know it put it in the description or in the comments I mean.
Let me know. But yeah what do you think so far? Not too bad. No it's good. I mean it's at least
comedic that's the biggest thing. It's got uh harem-esque stuff in there but it's not like to
the extreme or anything. Yeah like I said he's got two girls that love him but everybody else
like respects him more than anyone and he's like according to this world. That's fucking fabulous.
Oh fuck. Why do you mean like the most average looking guy?
That's the funny part. You want an ugly motherfucker.
He's just like fucking just like this campaign.
Let's see.
Yeah that's him. He is pretty fucking ugly.
Just kind of like. It's about averages you can look for anime character. Like he's not super
super like crazy looking or anything like five six. To the typical character. Yeah like five or
six you know nothing like like on looks wise just normal. Like there's literally nothing like
special about him but she looks at him like she's almost to the point like yeah.
Like where the fuck did you come from? What are you burnt from the ugly trees?
Basically yes. All right you ready for some reddit? Close up a night. All righty.
Oh well we're halfway through. Just wake me up. Give me some lime latte. Wake me up inside.
Wake me up inside. Can't wake up. Save me. Save me.
All right first one is by elegant shoshon. Shoshon. This person puts. Last friday. It's an elegant man.
Last friday I had the day off work and decided to surprise my girlfriend at her job by stopping
in to take her out. That would just be random. Like last friday I tried to suck my own dick and
broke my back. And that's all that's that's it. That's the whole thing. Just comes in high and
fucking leaves early. Okay. So I decided to take her out for lunch as a swift day as her shift was
about done. What's the category for these? Today I fucked ups. So yeah he did something wrong. She
works at a very large and popular wholesale store that has hot dogs. Hot dogs. So my guess is probably
Costco. Okay. They have the hot the dollar 50 hot dogs like. Also have like the fucking endless
fucking piles of humanity. I know you see that. By just to get to a goddamn register.
She told me beforehand that I could come see her at work anytime and there would be no trouble.
I walked in the front door and walked past the car checker girl. So yeah this is Costco.
She did a double take and asked me if I worked there. I said no I do not. I'm here to see employee.
However I'm looking for blank in blank. To my girlfriend meaning I put my dick in her. Something
she did is dildo with me. She she she officially got on her radio and said management to front
entrance non-emergency. Oh oh. The manager with the largest tablet I have ever seen strapped on
her arm walked up. She's a guy that's 30 years TV. And explained again why I was there. She called
her to see my girlfriend. She called for my girlfriend on the radio but she was not near her
radio. I apparently kicked the hornets nest and could hear a chatter on the other employees radios.
Oh. Who's that guy here to see? Who is that jumping out the sky? Are you are we being audited? He
looks important. Guys look busy. These are all the things that he heard on the radio. It's like
even if he was somebody there for an audit they hear it. All right. I caught glances from about
every worker nearby and could feel them trying to figure me out. I was it was uh about this time
my girlfriend got back on her radio and heard the commotion and stepped out of her office and made
eye contact with me. Uh oh. She wrapped up her work and we went out for lunch finally. I asked
her why there was such a ruckus. She said that I dress nicely and I'm very polite which are
characteristics of a corporate rep who comes in to fire people. Oh not too bad. No that's uh that's
when she also admitted to me that I sometimes have asshole resting face. Oh shit. I guess I need to
smile more. Asshole resting face. So yeah resting bitch face is another word for it.
Uh I have my face is like yeah yeah I had a kid. I have yeah yeah I had a kid resting face.
I wouldn't need twice the sucker kid face.
All right next one is by nude at noon.
No that one's mine I think. All right so this person puts my former boss contacted me a few
days ago with an unusual request. She wanted to know that I suck.
I just thought how absurd that would that's 100% what these nasty motherfuckers would say.
She wanted to know if I was interested in sleeping with her while her husband watched us.
If I was interested in sleeping with her while her husband watched us.
I said I was the wrong guy for the job. But she disagreed and said I was the perfect guy based on
a random one night stand we had years ago before she remarried. Oh damn. She said her new husband
wanted to watch her fuck another guy and she was into it. I agreed to discuss the possibility in
person especially whenever she offered to pay for dinner. I forgot how attractive she was until I
saw her face to face. She introduced me to her new husband who wanted me to understand that all he
wanted was to be an observer in the bedroom. I had to study take notes about it. Write my next
novel of it. He made it sound like the worst case scenario was that I have sex which I believed.
So yeah I said yes. That's the worst case? That's what he made it sound like. Why just
getting laid that's as bad as it gets. Fast forward to the fucking. Don't ever fast forward to the
fucking. I need context. Don't just go in there dry. Just fast forward. Just fast forward to the
fucking. I hope that's my new fucking phrase. How about you just fast forward to the fucking
part where I get a fucking. When you're ready when the IRS calls you can we just fast forward
to the part where you fuck me bend me over and f*** the hell out of it. Just somehow ended in that
way every time. Doesn't it have like different fucking versions of you just getting fucking railed.
A couple of days has now passed since I said yes. I was in the missionary position whenever I heard
snoring and farting come from my so-called observer. You feel like he fell asleep? Apparently.
That's not. The husband passed out at some point but obviously not quietly. God imagine being such
a boring fuck that the guy walks in like. He fucking sucked. Which affected my concentration
on the second. I told you. Because the snoring was distracting and the farting was disgusting.
My ex-boss apologized on her husband's behalf before grabbing the box of tissues next to the
bed and aggressively. Wiping his ass off. And aggressively hurling them at her unconscious
husband. Oh that must have hurt. Aim was off. Tissue box missed the target prompting my ex-boss
to hysterically scream her husband's name over and over into my ears while I was. Derek. Derek.
Still lying. Pipe. Lame pipe and trying to pretend that absolutely nothing weird was happening.
I've never got soft faster. The husband eventually woke up after my ex-box managed to scream his
name at the top of her lungs. Cue all out war. My ex-box. My ex-box. Ex-boss called her husband
reamed for falling asleep. The husband said he had a long day at work. Like I sleep better fucking
from animals than fucking balls. My ex-boss scoffed and said she had no clue what a long
day of work looked like. Oh no. Big eater. I would have fucked that bull argument while he's fucking
balls deep. The type of argument that would be embarrassing in a public situation. Even worse
though in this context here. This is about as bad as if you're sitting in between the husband and
wife in a fucking airplane. Only worse. Only fucking worse right. Literally fucking worse.
You're just sitting there in between the aisles just like. So my ex-boss scoffed and said he had
no clue what a long day of work looked like because what he did in one day was nothing
compared to what she had to do every day as an independent business woman. Uh oh.
The husband said he had zero energy for another boss bitch speech.
He went the boss bitch speech. They've had this argument before. My ex-box. My ex-boss.
Oh he's got an ex-box right now.
So I go play while they fucking argue.
Looked at me and said her husband had zero energy on a permanent basis.
I asked both of them. Can I leave please? If they want to be there to stop fucking.
So I tried to stop huh. They gave me a privacy because I was awkwardly thrusting in silence.
Man this man went through it. My ex-boss said I should ask her husband since the whole
idea whole thing was his idea. The husband unexpectedly slapped my butt on his way towards
the bedroom door and said I should come and call it a night. I didn't come. Um I doubt he did.
But I did call it a night whenever I realized that my desire to get away from my ex-boss
and her husband outweighed my desire to get off. So they used to say I climbed up the chimney
and escaped. One night stand should have been enough but I just had to come back for more which
I now regret. You dumb son of a bitch. That is a bad today I fucked up. That was the day I fucked
up. You're getting close to fucking sight down. That whole fucking thread is done. He wins. Yes
he does. I mean that seems a bad one. Oh my god man. That's a good one though. It's a very good
one. Alrighty. I don't know how we're gonna move on from that one. You know the crazy part is
that's actually done with George Clooney. What's that happen to him?
Alrighty. The next one is by RedBlue9 too. We gotta stop the show. We got it. I know that was a good one. We can't top that one. I doubt it.
Um Spurs and Puts. I'm going to be really vague here because I have to gossip about the gossip
of my neighbor is cheating on her husband and I left in one too many details in that post. They
weren't cheating. That was actually a couple from the other story. It just went into another full context of the story.
He comes over while her husband's at work. It was a global Facebook group. If that wasn't bad enough in the comments I elaborated on her activity and her job.
I did not name her but clearly I said enough to single her out. Well somebody noticed my city and tagged the sister of the husband and I of course didn't post anonymously.
You motherfuckers. I could understand if it was a local tea group but globally. The family I remember was from the other side of the world.
I fucked up because it points to me. She will know it is me and I'm just waiting for her to come to my door and give me an air full.
Clearly leaving the country is my only option. Find a new name. A new name? A new fucking address? Yeah.
Next one is by StopSignSleddingMan. That's a weird name. Person puts. I was in Mexico and I was on the rooftop.
That was the first moment you fucked up going to Mexico. Believe me anybody who didn't hear the story about the Mexican military almost lit me up.
I was in Mexico and was on a rooftop club with some friends. We were drinking hard and eventually during the night I started to feel ittle.
So I left the club to score some tacos. Having eaten the tacos I felt better and was ready to return to the party.
But upon returning to the club I learned that they had closed the doors and they wouldn't let me back in.
Obviously I was thoroughly bummed since all of my friends were still inside and I didn't feel like going back to the hotel.
Now this is whenever I in all my glorious drunken wisdom looked up at the night club on the roof and thought to myself I can climb up there.
Boiler I could not. Boiler I wasn't a spider man.
So I went around to the back of the building. I quickly scouted my route and started climbing.
I made it a respectable 10 feet up before I lost my balance and fell hitting something that knocked the wind out of me on the way down.
Shit. He hit some old grandma just fucked killed it.
You know well I just like knocked the breath out of him and she's just fucking laying there dead.
I hate you it's me. You little fucking hippie shit.
As I was laying there on the ground hurting and trying to catch my breath I was abruptly assaulted by someone I hadn't seen or heard.
By the old grandma you one of the fuck.
It was the bouncer from the club. Violent was lifting me up and yelling at me in Spanish.
I was flummoxed.
Good word Thorne. Thorne on here very often.
I didn't understand him and while attempting to break in attempting the break in.
What was it?
And while attempted break ins tend to be frowned upon.
No kidding even in Mexico.
I hadn't done anything to warrant this strong of a reaction.
That was until the bouncer led me back around to the main street in front of the building and witnessed the absolute chaos that I had been oblivious to until this point.
There was at least a thousand people in the street.
There were ambulances and fire trucks drunken people running around in panic.
What the fuck did he just run on the way down?
Did he knock the power out?
You see remember that thing I hit whenever I fell.
Apparently it was the main glass pipe to the building.
I was trying to scale whenever I hit it.
I broke it and caused a massive gas leak.
The entire block including two nightclubs a couple of bars and restaurants were all evacuated.
A Casolina!
So the police were called or probably already on their way to be honest.
And the last thing my friend saw of me that night was two policemen with machine guns leading me to the back of a pickup truck.
Ah policemen with machine guns that sounds familiar.
Right as they were about to drive me off I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out 30 pesos.
Handed it to my friend and said buy me out bro.
I'd like to offer 30 pesos.
Any bits on here a dollar seven US dollar.
Oh man you don't want to go to a Mexican prison.
Oh fuck.
We don't got your papers or your passport it's gone.
What do you mean it's gone?
It's just gone.
You have some frijoles.
Like even some tetanedron getting rid of cross.
Oh god fucking.
Mexican prisons aren't exactly the most up to standards of justice.
Alrighty next one is by Borg Cube Cubed.
Borg huh?
Going into Star Trek territory.
So this person puts,
Today an adult woman managed to get my arm stuck behind the couch so tightly that I needed help to get out.
What?
I wonder what she's saying.
Oh okay.
I thought some random woman just fucking trapped him somewhere.
No did I miss the I part?
It was today I an adult woman.
I just thought some random woman just captured some man.
We're about to have some fun.
He's like no.
I wanted to plug something into the outlet behind the couch so I pulled it away from the wall a little and reached my arm down.
It was snug but I could almost reach the cord so I pushed harder.
I managed to plug it in but whenever I tried to get my arm out I realized I was stuck.
My elbow joint was just a bit too big to squeeze out.
The back of the couch had pinned me.
Why didn't you just pull the couch out?
She was probably laying on top of it so it probably would have fucking stuck for real.
Yeah I pulled and pulled but I couldn't free my arm.
I couldn't shift the couch because I was kneeling on the seat to reach behind it.
Yeah.
There's no way I.
What about pushing your arm against the wall and pushing out?
That might have helped.
I guess so.
There's no way I could move it with all my weight on it and one arm incapacitated.
I couldn't get my feet onto the floor.
I couldn't slide right or left.
I couldn't twist and wiggle free.
I was completely stuck.
Okay Dr. Seuss.
Why is it a steering blade?
That's what it sounded like.
Read that again.
It doesn't have to sound like Dr. Seuss.
I couldn't slide right or left.
Fuck.
It does?
Oh man.
After struggling for a few minutes I psyched up my embarrassment and called my husband.
He easily moved the couch in one second.
My arm is.
Oh my god you baby fucking throws it off and picks up the couch and tosses it.
With her on it.
He's like I'm a man.
My arm is all bruised from struggling and I feel like a dumbass.
Oh he kicks the door down.
But you're just doing too much sir.
Next one is by Dim Slug.
Dim Slug.
So this actually happened during the beginning of the pandemic of 2020 while I was working in the pickup department.
Ah the great pandemic of 2020.
If there was a ghost town, was that traveling around the city as one of the ones that still had a job?
Yeah.
Oh it was quiet.
Oh believe me I know.
The highways were clear.
There was never anyone on the street that actually scared the fuck out of me.
I mean it was just how bad it was on like traffic right.
Whenever 2020 was going on I was able to get to work in about seven minutes.
It takes 30 now.
Man.
Big difference.
I would go into like Walmart after work right.
When they didn't close at 7 o'clock at night.
I was like come on now it used to be 24-7.
And now that's never coming back.
It's never coming back.
They realize they don't have to.
Exactly.
A lot of companies realize what they can do without and they fuck this all over.
But man trying to just get there in the right amount of time.
I mean everyone wearing masks or something like beyond would wear like a full hazmat suit.
I seen a guy come in one time with a full hazmat suit.
Yeah it got crazy.
But it was still fun.
There wasn't much to do though.
But when you're a bibliophile like me, that does not mean I fuck books.
It just means I read them a lot.
It was paradise.
Alright so but just discovered this sub and well this is pretty fitting.
Oh plus it got us a higher level of internet.
Like default.
Back then it would take like 100 gigabytes.
It would take like 30 hours.
And now because of like the heavy use of the internet during the pandemic.
They had to give us a higher bandwidth.
So now 100 gigabytes takes like 7 minutes.
Like my shit is fucking unbelievable.
And it was just that they it wasn't a raising price either.
They just had to up the default.
The capacity levels.
So now it's like a hole that's just empty.
I'm just like hell yeah.
So to set the scene I was a grocery picker.
Fulfilling customers orders for a large grocery chain.
Not Walmart thankfully.
I got in about 4 a.m. and started my first route.
Through the store apparently.
One of the orders wanted Klausen dill pickles.
Which were handled by the meat department since they need to be refrigerated.
And I don't know that's just where they are.
Side note.
I was also in my last year of university with only two classes left.
It's not like he's in England.
It could be like.
Last year in university.
Because they were just like in hospital instead of saying at the hospital.
So anytime they say in universities.
You know what I mean.
So anytime they say in universities.
Usually English.
Well it's last year of university.
Yeah that sounds pretty English to me.
Of university.
My last year in the university.
So more American.
Maybe I'm just overdoing it in my head.
Yeah.
Because they're saying not Walmart.
There's not Walmarts anywhere else.
Could be English then.
Hey Walmart.
Thankfully.
I'm not saying Walmart is a murder.
I think it's in America.
Because if they're saying don't think Walmart.
I guess you're right.
Regardless.
Let's see here.
Side note.
I was also in my last year of university.
Which only had two classes left.
And I was pulling 12 to 16 hour shifts at the store.
Because well.
COVID.
So I did not have.
I did not have sleep.
I did not have a sheet.
For just taking a shit.
Shaving.
Shaving shower. That's all a man needs.
And if you're like me and get four hours of sleep every night.
I need more than that.
If I didn't have more than.
If I didn't have my at least nine hours of sleep.
You would see a heretically different version of myself.
That would be bat shit crazy.
More than I am now.
Like a standalone.
I'd be like Ernest Hemingway.
Except not drunk.
Be fucking insane.
So the shelf was out.
But I knew the meat manager was in the back.
So I decided to ask him if they had any back there.
And this y'all.
Is where everything went wrong.
That's all you need is.
This is what happened y'all.
In the south.
Them guns came out and we just started blasting.
I walked back there.
And it's pretty loud.
So I know I'm going to have to talk loud.
Whenever I looked the meat manager dead in the eye.
I was like.
Do y'all have any dickles back there?
He dickles?
He proceeded to suck me in the face.
Meat manager looks me right.
It looks right at me with the most confused look.
He goes.
Do we have any what?
What the hell are dickles?
Me. You know what.
You know what. I'm just going to leave.
Ten minutes later.
The store is not open yet.
So employees only inside.
And I was trying to say dill pickles.
He really like pulled that out of his ass.
Like what did he want?
He just sat back there with a fucking white board.
He's like.
Dickles.
Because most people would just be like.
They would brush it off right.
But he's like.
What the fuck are dickles?
And he just sat there and wrote it out.
Dilled pickles.
Got it.
Had a euphoric orgasm.
Like he had a fucking epiphany.
Dilled pickles.
So he pages over the intercom.
OP please return to the meat department.
I have located your dickles.
I have them dickles here.
Yo I still never.
I still never lived this down.
And I live 24 hour drive away from the store.
Damn a 24 hour drive?
What the fuck bro.
Where the fuck do you live in California after this?
Jesus Christ.
24 hours to get to your job?
I live 24 hour drive.
I've never lived this down.
So maybe they moved.
Weird.
So the only advice I can give in life.
Is never try to combine words.
Dilled pickles.
Because you just get dickles.
And now it's almost the 4 year anniversary of this crap.
And everyone I worked with.
Still tells a story.
People still.
I'll never be able to forget it.
Remember that time whenever they wanted a dickle.
They'll never let you forget it.
It's all a different thing.
You'll forget it. No one else will.
Exactly.
Alright next one is by Kaz1967.
This is one of the last two that we got here.
Yes.
First puts.
Friday after work I quickly came home, got dressed.
And went to the bathroom.
I had a date with my boyfriend in another city.
And had to be ready at his place in under an hour.
This meant that once I finished my business.
I didn't have time to unclog my toilet.
Once I realized it was plugged.
Unfortunately for me.
This happens often.
The pipes growing you just bombing them toilets huh?
Let's be honest here.
You just fucking blowing that bitch out?
Let's not fucking skirt past that.
She is fucking devastating the toilet.
Every time her ass touches it.
But she tries to brush over this.
And she says.
The pipes here are old.
Sometimes a single piece of toilet paper.
Will plug the toilet paper in.
Sometimes a single piece of toilet paper.
Will plug the toilet paper in.
Sure let's go with that.
Just beasts.
Just fucking mammoths.
Coming at her asshole.
Usually I will let the toilet sit for an hour.
The type that absorb all the water in the toilet.
So it's just a fucking pile of shit.
It looks like fucking concrete.
When you try to flush the toilet.
Eee.
So usually I will let the toilet sit for an hour.
And then flush it again.
And that all is well again.
Well not this time.
I left for the weekend figured.
That by the time I come back all would be well.
I didn't think about it much until today.
Sunday.
I show up in my apartment late expecting to play some games with friends.
I at this point have completely forgotten about the toilet situation.
She gets back and like there's a fucking hazmat crew out there.
The boys have cornered off the area.
Get back man to the chemical fucking detail.
It's shit.
I never see so much shit in my life.
Until all hell broke loose.
At some point I realized I needed to use the bathroom.
Thankfully.
It wasn't anything dire and I figured I'd be in and out quickly.
I told my friends I'd be right back.
And left the chat.
After using the restroom I flushed the toilet to find that nothing went down.
Mind you the water is clear.
At this point I realized shit.
I never unclogged my toilet.
So I get my plunger and get to work.
Nothing happened so I leave the toilet to be.
I return fifteen minutes later and try again.
Water begins to recede and I figured I'd been enough.
I flush the toilet and I swear on everything I've ever known.
The most awful smelling putrid brown and black viscous liquid comes pouring up.
Through the pipes of my toilet.
The smell.
Oh God the smell.
It just says her name Elaine.
The smell.
It was like an outhouse you walk into on the beach.
Except this outhouse.
Oh God you picked the perfect fucking outhouse.
An outhouse on the beach.
Wouldn't be fucking right.
Except this outhouse has been sitting in the sun for weeks.
Oh my God.
A skunk died in it.
A dog ate the skunk and then puked it up.
And then that all rotted over the course of a month.
It was hell.
Pure and holy hell.
I cursed my foul mother would probably.
I cursed.
I cursed so foul my mother would probably slap me.
I began plunging like my life depended on it.
But to no avail.
Just fighting it back and trying to struggle up.
I spent at least an hour.
At least.
God just fucking going to war with this shit huh?
I finally gave in.
Took up the toilet and took it to the restroom.
I had to grab the toilet maintenance ticket
so that I could get it fixed.
Unfortunately, maintenance isn't open on Sundays.
So whenever I decided to use the restroom
all of a sudden I had to drive 10 minutes
to the nearest supermarket to use their bathroom.
Moral of the story.
If you uh.
If your toilet has plugged.
Unclog it.
Do not wait like I did.
Maintenance should be here tomorrow.
And I pray to God they get a raise
in to fix whatever I fucked up. He goes into the bathroom and he's like oh my
god I've only heard of these. They're real. They're just like all the blood
leaves his face. Like not again. He's fallen before in 93. That's why he lost his eye.
It's the worst of that patch. The worst pink eye he's ever gotten.
Just fucking ruined his life. Alrighty and last one for tonight is con man in
chief. Con man in chief. Person puts. This fuckup happened today and is still
haunting me. I needed some moderate dental work. I ended up taking about two
hours. My appointment was in the morning and I ate my normal breakfast of
overnight oats. It's just a habit and I didn't even consider the repercussions
of my actions. I love my oatmeal with dried fruits, nuts, and other goodies but
it has the unwelcome side effect. What could come wrong from some delicious oatmeal?
But it has the unwelcome side effect of making me so gassy girl. Oh yeah that
sucks. I showed up to the dentist at 9 a.m. with a rumble already. Fucking shit
myself right there with the dental table. I got to the chair about 930 and I knew
I was in trouble. She's like she just does that thing like in like a sitcom
which is like oh am I right and but then it's like what the fuck. After about an
hour of constant activity and people in the room I had already passed on three
or four requests from my body to open up the release valve. We finally got to
the point where some cement had set in so the room cleared out. I guess the
tooth cement. I'm like what the fuck is she talking about? Yeah it where it had to set so the
room cleared out for a while. I thought it would be a few minutes. This is my
opportunity. I did my best to keep it quiet but of course I couldn't control
the quality. Brum brum brum brum. It was pungent and no sooner than the deed was
done the cute dental assistant came back to take x-rays. He just walks into the
fucking invisible cloud. She leaned over to stick the x-ray thingy into my mouth
and let out a oh. The fucking horror of that oh. She's a two letter war. Oh that shit must have hit her
like off fucking Mike Tyson plush. She went up her nose and burned her fucking nose
hairs off. I tried to act like I didn't hear her but there was no dog in the room
to blame it on. It was an awkward silence for the rest of my time. You nasty bitch.
To my dental assistant Chris I am truly sorry my teeth feel great. To all the
readers what would be the proper etiquette in this case? Don't eat oatmeal
if you're gonna get the fucking fart all night or all day. Eat that shit at night.
You'll fart all night long. You know the last time I went to the dentist they took a cavity out
and they had to put a they had to stab me with a fucking needle. You
know I don't like needles and they put two of these motherfuckers in my fucking mouth.
To numb the area and they got to work right and like they dug deep.
It was so far into my fucking tooth that I could feel like I can smell the smoke.
They got through the whole cavity right?
They got to my actual tooth and I started actually feeling the drill.
I was like it wasn't any pain right? I was like if I had that
Novacaine or whatever they put in my mouth I'd have been like.
If I could feel it even with all that fucking numbing.
Oh my god that shit would have fucking killed me.
Did they do a root canal or what? No they just took out the cavity and put a you know the cap in.
So no root canal itself? All they need it for not being in the dentist ever.
When I first went all I had was two cavities. They were like these teeth are fucking they should be on a museum.
Yeah as long as you take care of yourself. Yeah brush my teeth daily.
Just don't kill the damn doctors when you're there. They don't fucking fart in their fucking face.
Imagine like you get hit with a fucking smell that you're just like God.
The funniest part is apparently this is so dense it stayed around them.
Yeah like when they walk in the room oh there's nothing.
Like there's a fucking cloud around her head.
The fact that it trebled up. Yeah because you usually lay on your back for the dentist.
So the fact that it went up for fucking instead of going up in the air it must have been so fucking heavy.
It just lingered by the fucking table or by the chair.
It's like that dome. It's like oh it's a dome of shit.
Oh man. But that's all I got on reddit this week. Anything else Ted before we head out tonight?
Still doesn't beat the first guy. No it doesn't. That man went fucking through it.
Yes in the middle of an argument that he didn't want to be a part of.
Imagine he was just still thrusting it. He was. The whole time. He was.
That's the weird part.
Then he gets smacked on the ass. Hey finish up.
Fucking smacks him on the ass and the guy walks out right and he's like
Look at his fingers. He's like oh.
I love that in worse things. The situation that's already bad.
That would like destroy my self confidence.
You fucking suck. You fucking suck.
We get some fucking shut eye. Yeah like how boring.
That would be the worst part for me instead of the arguing.
He ain't got no gay. No kidding. That sucks.
But anything else? I don't know man. The whole day has gone by.
It has. I've heard too much shit. I've seen too much shit.
We got the toe licking and we got the lame dick. We got lime lemonade. Lime latte.
Lime latte sorry. I don't know what the fuck is going on today. I am burnt out.
Get up early in the morning. Go to work. Help my aunt.
Go to 7-Eleven buy four newspapers in 1750.
Hope I can find some stories to collect. It will be a slow process but I'll get it.
I'll get some wild ones. Alright well with that we will see you guys on the next one.