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All right, guys.
Welcome back to Cozy Nights.
I know we had a bit of a hiatus without any explanation, but it was Sunday, you know,
Super Bowl Sunday, and we all had to watch the Super Bowl.
Fan or not, everyone has to watch, it's a tradition.
It's actually law in the whole world.
Everyone has to watch Super Bowl.
Whatever your team is, whatever you like, you got to watch Super Bowl, at least for
the commercials.
But anyway, let's get started with the news as always for Cozy Nights.
We'll get started with an interesting one that I found yesterday on CNN.
They already revealed the cast for Fantastic Four.
So we got my boy Pedro Pascal as Reed Richards, Mr. Fantastic himself.
Pedro Pascal, isn't he the one that plays Mandalorian?
Yeah, and Joel from The Last of Us.
He can play everything.
We got Vanessa Kirby as Invisible Woman Sue Storm.
We've got Ebon Moss Bachrock as The Thing Ben Grimm.
And we got Joseph Quinn as the guitar guy from The Stranger Things as the Human Torch,
Johnny Storm.
The movie is slated for July 25, 2025.
Or July 25, 2025.
So next year.
Just be prepared for another Michael B. Jordan version.
Or don't be.
You never know, they could be gold.
You're going to get people's hopes up now.
Hey man, Pedro Pascal can pull off anything.
He can play JFK in an actual fucking autobiographical adaptation.
All right, next up on the news, this one comes from a from KFOR in Oklahoma, in Pals Valley,
Oklahoma.
This man, Michael Cardin, he received a water bill for a whopping $4.89 million.
My God.
You'll see, I guess he used so much water in the whole fucking world that he got a $4
million bill.
He drained a full aquifer.
I guess he's Aquaman.
The worst thing is it was dated for auto withdrawal on Thursday.
So he would have just been hit with a negative from the bank.
No, the bank wouldn't even let that go through.
Yeah, it turned out it was a, he got it sorted out with the water department.
The whole city is having a citywide computer problem and all the customers around there
are having weird bill fluctuations.
Think of the person that only had their bill changed by like 50 bucks.
So they're like, oh fuck, another 50.
Yeah, that's true.
Like that one at least stood out.
They probably just paid him and was like, fuck yeah.
Exactly.
Now it's like, where am I?
$50 at.
You mother fucker.
All right, next we got from the Associated Press.
This happened in Jasper, Alabama.
This one is fucking wild.
These thieves stole a 200 foot radio tower.
A what?
A 200 foot radio tower.
How did he steal that?
With I guess determination.
I mean, well, it was, it's in a place called Jasper, Alabama.
It's a very secluded, small community and the radio tower is like in a secluded woods
along with the actual station and no one goes out there that often because it's a small
market so they don't have as much traffic.
And these two guys from maintenance went out there to check on the radio tower and it was
gone.
It was gone and the building next door to the radio tower with all the recording equipment
also stolen.
And the poor guy that runs the place, Brett Elmore, who took over from his dad, who did
it in the 1950s.
This radio station has been around since the 1950s.
Brett Elmore, the WJLX general manager, took over the place from his father and he's like,
well, they just ruined his whole fucking community is what he says because the station has no
insurance.
It's like 60 grand to 100 grand to get it.
He said like you could have just stolen the radio equipment, but the tower is the one
that's the real.
Right.
The hard to get back.
Because it's a radio tower that's 200 feet tall.
I thought I think I've heard this story or there is another story similar to it.
Probably similar.
Where somebody stole a TV antenna, I think.
But where they just took the whole thing because they were taking it for the metal.
Yeah, that's probably what they were doing, too.
He said that most likely they cut the wires that held it up.
It came crashing down.
No one would have heard it that far away.
Right.
And they just cut it into smaller pieces and shipped it out.
But man, a whole fucking tower, 200 feet long.
That is crazy.
People are determined that when they steal, they steal.
God, crack is a hell of a drug.
No kidding.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Meth.
Who's fucking, I'll get this.
Don't get that battery powered jigsaw.
Imagine driving past it or something like, you know, we could probably steal that.
It had to be more than one guy, even more than two.
It had to have been more than a couple.
So it done it like in a whole night.
I mean, I'll put it this way.
I've seen meth heads re-roof an entire roof faster than Mexicans can do.
So imagine Mexicans on meth.
I know.
My God.
We could pay for the tower of Babel.
They do coke.
They don't do bath.
That's the difference.
All right.
The next story comes from Boston, so the Associated Press as well.
That's where I get most of my news stuff is from the Associated Press.
They got an oddity section.
I love the oddity stories.
This passenger tried to smuggle mummified monkeys from the Democratic Republic of Congo
into Boston for his own consumption.
For his own consumption?
Yeah, it's called bush meat.
Yeah.
Bush meat is illegal in the United States because of the high levels of disease in
my cause like Ebola.
Right.
So he wanted some mummified monkeys.
Huh.
Which reminds me, you saying the mummified part.
Did you know that there used to be a paint color called mummy brown?
The reason it was called mummy brown is because they used real mummies to make it.
From where?
Where they just find the mummies to who would pay?
Who would sell them mummies?
To grind in the paint?
How long ago was this?
Early 1900s?
Yeah, because it wouldn't be now.
You would just cry.
Like you guys are just eating, breaking down mummies, huh?
Like all these tombs in Egypt just fucking broken into.
My point is, why is that your, you know what, good brown paint?
That's a good point.
What is wrong with these people?
They always have the weirdest idea.
They want to eat mummified monkeys.
They want to make paint with the mummies.
I'm still wondering exactly what the, what the monkeys would do beneficially for you
other than give you Ebola.
You know, you get a worse strain of HIV.
It gets the full of us.
I mean, let's be honest here.
Don't be eating mummified anything.
No.
Bush meat.
The fact that I haven't found out what bush meat is upsets the hell out of me now.
It's like, apparently it's either raw or very low processed meat.
They call it bush meat, but you're not in a situation that you'd even if I was in the
woods, I still cooked the meat I was eating.
My point is this guy is flying from the Congo, flying to Boston is where you said, right?
Yes.
Where he, they caught him.
Okay.
You have the money to fly back and forth, but yet you don't have money to buy.
Buy regular meat.
That's the point I don't get.
I guess there's something special about the mummified monkeys.
It's a mummified monkey.
I'm just saying like some bullshit medic medicinal benefit he heard from somebody.
You know, it'll get your dicks so hard bro.
Bro bro.
He probably told you.
Yeah.
Like I was like, I'm dead.
I'm dead.
This is exactly what happened.
I'm probably dead serious.
Like bro, you know, bro, it'll get you so hard.
Like he tried, he's tried Viagra.
He's tried a, what's it?
He tried mummified monkey.
It'll get you a dick hard.
You know what they were talking about some kind of other like chemical that had nothing
to do with it.
It's like it's a street drug called mummified monkey.
And it's just Viagra with fentanyl or some shit.
But he took it as literal and went to go get a fuck.
He went all the way to the Congo.
You'd be surprised the links men would go to to be able to still, to be able to still
fuck.
I know.
My gosh.
Not being able to get to your dick hard is a true embarrassment for a guy.
At that point I'd just say fuck it, I'm done.
But you can't though cause you can't fuck anything.
Exactly.
So you can't, you can't say fuck it, you're done cause you can't.
So you gotta keep going.
Okay.
You say I can't fuck it.
This next one is also from the Associated Press.
New York City man named Calvin Batista.
No relation to Batista the wrestler.
38.
He was placed on one year probation to find $5,000 for trying to smuggle Burmese pythons
in his pants.
From Canada to back to New York.
Man paid $2,500 for these snakes.
He put them in a bag and he put them in the inner thigh and he tied it with the little
drawstring of the pants.
Are they illegal there in America?
No, I know they're not illegal in America.
I guess there's because they're part of a thing called, they're regulated by the international
treaty and by US federal regulations.
Right.
Cause they fall under, they're listed as injurious to human beings.
I mean they're Burmese pythons.
Right.
They will fucking kill you when they get big enough.
Right, but my, okay he was coming from Canada to New York?
Yeah he was smuggling them in.
My whole point though is you can buy a Burmese python in the US.
I don't know what he was doing.
Why would you cross a border thinking, oh my.
I'm not a stupid man, I don't know.
The link's stupid, they go to for bullshit.
You would not imagine.
Cause Burmese pythons are not illegal in the US to own as far as I know.
Cause the only reason.
Maybe he couldn't get the permits that he needed.
Not that permit.
The fucking thing.
Not to just own one.
Well he did something wrong then.
And the reason I say that is because that's why they're an invasive species in Florida.
Because you never had to have a license to get them then.
You do now in Florida, yes.
But that's Florida though, not New York.
New York they'll die if they're left out of spite.
Like that's why they're not an invasive species there.
I don't know, it's weird.
But he had to try to smuggle them in.
Maybe they're cheaper.
He got like a bunch for like $2500.
Maybe like 10 grand a piece or something, who the fuck knows why.
Now he's fucking, now he's paid 5 grand extra on top of the 25.
He's fucking down $7500 and still has no snakes.
Plus a one year probation.
That's why I'm saying it's more of just stupidity.
Like what, you can't think like a dumb person, it's just hard to do.
That's what I'm saying, like it would never cross your mind, you know what I mean?
Right.
That's why we can't cause a blip.
Number one, I wouldn't want a snake.
Number two.
I wouldn't want a fucking Burmese python.
It gets big enough it'll kill my dog.
Then it gets even bigger, it'll kill me.
You wake up one day and it's just wrapped around your neck.
And they are deceptively strong.
Be like fighting a bodybuilder with actual work strength and not show strength.
It's a scary thing to die by constriction.
I mean do you remember, no you weren't in that class in school.
But she had pythons in the class.
But she had ball pythons too.
She had one giant Burmese python in Albino one.
How big was it?
13 feet.
That's a big boy.
Oh man.
She used to let it go across the floor.
Fuck all that, you better put that motherfucker in the back of this goddamn cage.
Before I crack its fucking skull with a chair.
I remember being in class and I'd tap somebody's leg underneath the table.
I remember that.
Like distinctly I remember doing that.
Gimmick meant a fucking heart attack.
But where I was going with that is that even the ball pythons, because you could put them
on your arm and then just sit there.
Because they were not giant snakes.
They were not two and a half feet.
I hate snakes.
But you'd let it sit there on your arm and they would wrap around and just sit there.
Like they had nothing else to do.
But they were strong.
Even as small as they were.
Even as small as they were is my point.
So imagine getting constricted by a giant snake.
I also have a PSA.
You cannot out roll a fucking gator.
They probably think like if it gets me right, there's a death throw, I'll roll with it.
Now you will rip your fucking limb off.
The only way you can beat it.
Or shove your hand even farther into its mouth.
So the gator's like, ooh kinky huh?
And they fucking eat so hard.
No the reason I say that is one of those gator wrestlers or whatever.
It's that flap that's at the back of their throat.
They close it when they go to go bite you because of the water.
But if you pop the like extra layer of skin in the back, it forces their airway to open.
So they release automatically because they don't want water down into their lungs.
Like it's a reflex.
I'd be like you show me first then see if I have the mental capacity to remember that
as I'm jiggling for my fucking life.
Yes.
I'm like oh my god.
Well there's a guy that did it.
That's the only reason I even know about it.
Lucky man.
I don't even know what my strategy would be if I got fucking caught by an alligator.
What if my strategy would be to die?
That's my strategy.
It'd be the same like you can learn all these skills and like survival tips and like or
like if you're a fighter all these boxing techniques and all that.
And then like you just you watch them fight.
They forget everything.
Get the hell beat out of them.
Yeah.
Like it's so much different when you're there.
That's why the those jujitsu fighters in MMA.
Uh huh.
They irritate me.
Because what was the there's a stat that says 80 percent of all fights land on the ground
or start end up on the ground.
That's only for police.
It's also for sexual encounters.
Fuck.
You're in the following ground with your fat young ass though.
80 percent of the time it's on the ground.
Sometimes it's standing.
But they always quote that percentage wrong.
They always say it's 80 percent of all fights end up on the ground.
That's only police encounter fights.
Because cops like drinking take them down huh.
Exactly.
They love their fuck.
They're like oh it's a face down ass.
But street fights do not always end on the ground.
Sometimes it takes one hit and then the other person just falls.
That seems to happen a lot by the way.
Yeah.
On these on these X videos for like Fight Club and all that.
Yeah.
Someone's always getting knocked the absolute fuck out.
Yes.
And I'm like damn how is weak people's chins or how strong are these motherfuckers swinging.
Because like it's always someone like they have the most cartoonish fucking knockout.
Yeah.
Or they kiss their knee when they go to and then they hit the floor.
You know what I mean.
Some weird thing.
Eat his buckle.
Or like a buckle and it looks so like inhuman.
Yeah.
Like a sack of potatoes hitting the ground.
Yeah.
I've also seen a lot of jumpings.
Jumpings?
You see people whipping someone's ass?
Yeah.
It's like all the same thing.
Or a lot of sucker punches.
Those are those are well known yeah.
And those are those are pitch punches I think.
Hey man if my life is in danger you're getting sited in the face.
If your life is in danger.
But to go out behind somebody and just smack them from behind.
What if it was a pedophile and I knew it.
It's a motherfucking pedophile.
Boom.
If they were in the process maybe.
They were like they had a little app on my thing that every time I'm two feet away from
a pedophile like a sex offender pops up.
Oh it's a fucking sex offender three feet from me and I fucking put my spider-man helmet
on.
And just like fucking beating the hell out of him.
Are you fucking pedophile?
Yeah.
We should run in on tangent about Burmese.
I don't know how we ended up on people getting me beaten up pedophiles but welcome to Cozy
Nights.
It all comes back to the Burmese python.
Yeah we start with Burmese python.
Went to alligators and went to fist fights for some reason.
Then we went to fucking 80 percent of the time and the 20 percent of the time.
The standing fucks.
You ever had a standing fuck?
This shit is exhausting.
You have her like in a fireman's carry practically.
Shit is fucking grueling.
It's like damn grandma back is killing me.
And when you got to power through a cramp.
Powering through a cramp fucking kills.
You're like ahhh.
Anyway so we're done with the news and we move on to Cozy Kitchen.
And I have a fucking awesome story for all you about the double Big Mac.
Yeah you know it will.
Because you were there.
So it was the last couple Saturdays ago.
And my good friend Mike and I we decided to go have ourselves a little snack after our
session.
So we decided to go to McDonald's.
We went to the mall or Walmart too didn't we?
I bought a six pound.
Six pound.
I think it was a fucking six pound bottle of ketchup.
Holy crap I forgot about that.
For four dollars.
For four dollars I bought a six pound bottle of ketchup.
I bought ketchup to last me a year.
Shit it was only $3.98.
Of course I bought it.
Six pounds.
That's a deal.
And so we go to Walmart and then we go to McDonald's.
And I shouldn't have known something wrong.
I wanted to try the double Big Mac.
And if you guys haven't heard what the double Big Mac is.
It's basically a double Big Mac.
It is two, no it is four patties and like 15 pieces of bread.
It's what it looks like.
And it's only limited time.
So I was like alright let me get it before they stop making it.
And by the way I want to call it the Big Big Mac.
They went with a double Big Mac.
And so it's like 10 o'clock at night.
There's no way to go in because they closed the lobby.
So we go through the drive through and I shouldn't have known there was something wrong.
Because I was like excuse that do you guys have the double Big Mac?
And she's like yes.
I should have known.
I should have known from the heavy side of defeat.
It's not exasperation.
I could have known from that moment that there was something absolutely wrong.
And so by the way it's my fault for not checking my food before we left.
So I get a double Big Mac and you get like a big double or something.
You get an order of fries.
I get a large order of fries and a small order of fries.
We said for something they gave me a large and a medium.
Which was a big and yours they gave you like half of fries.
You didn't notice you got home like hey hey hey you had a medium and it was only half
of it was half way full.
They done fucked us over.
So we go back to my place and we're dividing up the food because he's about to go home.
And I open up mine and I'm like what the fuck is this?
Because you know you give me the box and I'm like this box is real small for what we would
have to hold a double Big Mac.
It's like it was smaller than a Big Mac box.
Yeah smaller than a quarter pounder.
And I'm like what is up with this box?
It's weird that they flatten this motherfucker down.
And so I open it up and not only is it not a double Big Mac it's not even a Big Mac.
It was three slices of bread and one piece of meat.
I was like I was in absolute disbelief.
You got a half Mac?
I got a mini Mac.
These bastards.
I was devastated.
And like the top there was one patty on the top bun and the middle bun and there was like
a hole in the middle of it.
They didn't even form it enough to actually cook it right.
They like punched a hole in the middle just to be an asshole.
And the bottom was just the lettuce and the sauce.
I was like man.
Soggy as fuck.
The soggiest goddamn mini Mac I've ever had.
And I was like I didn't take that to heart though.
I know like by principle we should have gone back and got our proper food because that's
what we paid for.
Right.
But you know the stuff like that doesn't bother me that much.
I just found it funny.
I ate it regardless with my two fucking orders of fries.
Dry ass fries and fucking dry ass big mini Mac I mean.
I don't know.
Like I just let you.
I just found it funny.
Because it just shows that you shouldn't get super mad about stuff but it's like more of
like come on guys.
Yeah like man it didn't be dirty.
Because it's just like not that big a deal.
Like it is but it's not.
It's funnier than it is making you mad.
Right.
It's like serious.
It's more of a disbelief.
Because I once went to Taco Bell and asked for some nachos right.
And I don't know what the fuck I did to them.
I went home right because I didn't check in my food again.
And it was like the chips right.
And like the cheese was pre-dried on it.
Like they melted it.
They burnt it in the microwave.
And it was all one solid piece of like like like 30 pieces of chips.
It was all together.
Yeah.
It was all stuck together because of the cheese.
And I was like what the hell did I do to you?
Well you know Burger King uses microwaves in the back.
Well.
Because I've seen it was like.
So yeah like you know food stuff never bothers me as long as it's edible.
Right.
But man I still have not gotten a double.
I want a double big Mac before they go away.
And I've said.
You got your own mini Mac.
They gave me a God damn mini Mac.
We went to McDonald's just now and I was too afraid to get a double big.
I got two McChickens instead.
They never do me dirty on McChickens.
You can't mess up McChicken really.
But except for adding too much mayonnaise on to it.
Or when you ask for a McChicken and they give you a spicy one and you're like.
Man it's a hot one.
Why is it so spicy?
They did it to me once too.
They gave me two spicy McChickens.
Not a regular.
I was like.
Because I wasn't expecting I was like I was halfway through.
I'm like oh shit.
It's harder than what you would think too.
Yeah you're like oh yeah it does doesn't it.
You wouldn't think it'd be spicy like they say spicy like foods right.
Right.
But you actually eat it and you're like oh that's a spicy boy.
You know what got me with spicy because I'm so used to it being Hispanic.
Those black bags of hot Cheetos.
Like they got the regular hot Cheetos right.
They have these hotter ones in a black bag.
And you have to even touch them.
If you put like a thermometer up to them.
You can actually show it under the normal.
But like I ate like three or four right.
I was like wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
And like they were fucking hot.
And then I took them to my.
I bought my coworker one because she didn't believe me.
And she ate like a bunch of them at first right.
And then she stopped.
And then what I tell you she was like.
It's like the what is it the the Takis.
You know they have the different levels of heat for those.
Doesn't it go to like the thing blue.
Then they start immediately to like just hot.
Well they're hot but then there's like the blue ones which are like inferno.
Blue ones taste like ass.
Do they?
They don't taste like anything.
I mean they're like regular Takis hot right.
But they're blue.
I do that I do this other I'm blue every time I say anything blue.
Yeah.
Now I'm very annoying with that.
It's like hey the sky's blue.
Some little kid.
Some little kid tells his dad that oh dad the sky's blue.
And I just come by.
And then he starts saying that every time.
Where it whispers like brick.
Oh man.
So yeah we got I got done dirty with a mini mac.
Always check the food that they give you at McDonald's.
But I feel like I should trust I should trust McDonald's over anybody.
Should.
McDonald's never does you wrong.
The bank will do you wrong.
The lawyer will do you wrong.
Your insurance will do you wrong.
Not McDonald's.
They always do you right.
They did you Mcdirty.
They did.
Mcdirty as hell.
They Mcbet me over and Mcfuck me.
Mcflown down.
They got the Mccondoms and just went to Mctown.
Oh God dang it.
McDonald's.
You're all I have in life.
Don't fail me like this.
You're all I have in life.
Oh man.
All right.
So that's it for Cozy Kitchen.
I forgot to get a recipe so I'll have to do one next week.
So we'll do a little bit of life stories I have for you guys.
If you remember the story last the last video for Cozy Nights.
I talked about that homeless woman that was turning tricks on the supermarket bathroom.
Well I have an update actually.
Oh God.
Yeah they they caught her.
They caught her last week during Super Bowl Sunday.
I mean threw her out.
We're walking in me and my cousin right and she's walking out like me stupid motherfuckers
man you can't throw me out man what the fuck.
She's just swearing up a storm.
So she leaves right and we shop for like 20 minutes and we get out and she's outside almost
fist fighting another homeless man.
He's like she's like man I'm gonna knock you the fuck out.
The guy's like you better not fucking touch me or I'll knock you the fuck.
Yeah.
She's going off right next to the fucking door of the supermarket.
They're just fucking screaming.
Yeah I feel bad that they have to be out there in the snow and cold right.
But I mean you know.
Well when you're turning tricks on the bathroom.
Yeah of course they're gonna throw you out.
Try to get that dick and some money and she got tossed out this time.
I wonder how she's been tossed out since then.
She's probably not coming back.
She's probably banned from the store.
Although I would love a third update.
So you're out there with a sign next time.
Five dollars.
That's all it says on her sign.
Have you seen that one.
That clip going viral right now where it's got this one lady and she's got a head on
the go.
Head on the go.
Yeah.
How's that mean.
Where she's got a service where she'll come to you and give you a hit.
Oh God.
1-800-HIT-NOW or something like that.
You know you say that and there's a phone number in the bathroom at the flea market
I go to that says I love to serve as senior Mexican men.
So some person put up some other person's phone number up there just to be an asshole.
I'm guessing a friend did it to another friend.
About they like to serve as senior Mexican men.
Because someone came in and tried to erase the number.
And I don't know if it was a prank.
Like imagine somebody put your phone number up in the bathroom.
Yeah.
I'd be mad as hell.
Girl I'm stuck there.
So I don't know whether it was a prank or if it was real because I never called the
number.
Like why would I.
I don't want some random fucking hugger.
And so yeah she got tossed out this time.
Super Bowl Sunday.
Alright so my last story is because of Super Bowl Sunday.
It was that we were at the flea market me and my cousin and it was we had quite the
snow storm.
I mean it wasn't that bad but it was literally nothing really stuck.
Yeah and it was just really cold.
And of course how ironic on one of the coldest days of that time frame my cousin's car overheats
when he gets up to the flea market.
So we go out there to put coolant in the system right.
And it is just pouring horizontal rain.
I'm like God dang it wouldn't be during this time would it be.
It just would have happened bro.
And I was like man it is fucking pouring.
So it took a whole like gallon of coolant.
Yeah like yeah.
God what the hell was it.
Where was it leaking from.
I don't know.
Because when he got home the next day and checked it he was empty again.
It's all leaking into his oil.
I guess so I don't know.
And so we're watching the Super Bowl.
This is all after.
My aunt had left because she's afraid of the snow so she wanted to get home early.
Well it was still raining and hadn't transitioned to snow yet.
And we just manned the fort while she was gone.
We were watching the Super Bowl and that was this commercial because that's what I want
to watch Super Bowl for.
I should have watched it on Nickelodeon by the way.
It was a much better commentary team than the regular Channel 9.
And the commercial was like showing various people washing other people's feet.
So it was like a cop washing a nurse's feet.
A preacher watching little boy's feet which was probably a bad idea.
It was a mom washing a stranger's feet.
Like it was all people washing someone's feet right.
And then at the end this was like five minutes long.
It probably wasn't but in my head it was.
And the commercial at the end was like Jesus didn't hate he washed feet.
And I was like you've got to be kidding me.
It was the stupidest.
You know what you're talking about?
You guys decided to give Jesus Christ a foot fetish with the internet now.
As savage as the internet is now you did not think that someone you did not cross your
fucking mind.
Well not just that but I know I have some Christian people that I know and like devout
Christian.
Like obviously you know everybody can have their own religion but they're like devout
Christians and Catholics and they were pissed.
I imagine so.
Because like they said it's not that Jesus just washed feet it's that he also condemned
the sins they were doing.
Like what are you talking about just washing fucking feet for?
Yeah he could also you know make furniture.
He could be the carpenter.
What the fuck are you people doing?
I could not like because I knew how the internet is.
Yes.
And then we're gonna give Jesus a foot fetish and again lo and behold the next day.
Yep.
Oh man.
Yep.
Because it's one line in the Bible that has nothing to do with the feet itself.
Like they made the whole fucking commercial about feet.
And I was like really taken aback.
I'm like what is the point?
Like where is this commercial going?
Really what I wanted to know.
Right.
And then Jesus gets us.
Like is he gonna wash my feet?
Because I don't want anyone touching my feet.
Exactly.
It's the last thing I want somebody to do.
And in fact put some socks on.
I don't even want to look at you for the hell of a reason.
I don't even want to see your fucking feet.
Like that.
During the summertime I hate it so badly.
Like you go outside and you'll see the fattest motherfucker wearing flip flops.
Put on some fucking shoes.
Nobody wants to see that nail that's all fucked up and shit.
Nobody wants that.
Some people have seen some crud feet.
Some people have got white tarantula or the tail dactyl toes.
Just could shock on the bottom of your foot because you're so dry.
Ouch.
Yeah it was an odd commercial.
Like I understand the message is like you know you should accept everybody.
Regard it and don't spread hate.
Spread love.
But I mean the washing feet part I don't understand.
I don't want to touch anybody's feet.
No and like I said a lot of the Christians that I do know it's like you focused on the
wrong part of this.
It's like you even worded it wrong.
So yeah that was weird.
We had a weird Super Bowl.
This all happened by the way.
The hooker getting tossed out.
The snow storm.
The coolant problem and the commercial.
All on Super Bowl Sunday.
Well that is it everybody for Cozy Nights.
So please I hope you guys enjoyed and tune in next week for more.
What do you have for Urban Dictionary today?
Alright let's have a look here.
This always scares me.
The part where it's like oh shit what have we gotten into?
Alright Urban Dictionary.
Here we are.
Nope wrong one.
Alright so we start with number one.
Chapstick.
It's not going to just be like oh it actually is.
It's going to be even funnier.
A tube of substance that relieves dry chapped lips.
One of the most addictive substances known to mankind.
Addiction to said substance rather than a crack.
To satisfy Chapstick addictions, individuals will often ask their friends if they have
any Chapstick.
Be wary of said individuals because HPV can live on Chapstick for 30 minutes.
You don't want to have an STD.
When Chapstick is lost, used up or stolen, an addict will display a few of the following
withdrawal symptoms.
Extreme dry lips.
Redness surrounding the mouth.
Licking of lips.
Panic lips with water.
Irritability.
Anger, sorrow and sometimes death.
If you or your friend is addicted to Chapstick good luck.
Yeah I've seen those kind of people.
This one is an odd one.
It's called birthday wig.
It's a vagina.
That's all it's said.
A birthday wig?
I guess I don't know how you would put your head in a vagina.
I mean I know your head.
The penis head but your whole actual head.
You know wigs go on your head.
It wouldn't make no fucking sense but whatever.
It's a play on words.
Maybe.
Next one is called ringing.
When a usually male individual dons a mask and exposes their prior parts to a ringed
doorbell camera system.
Haven't done that yet but.
Next one is shit and split.
The act of taking a dump in someone else's house on the way out of the house without
the person directly realizing it until they hear the toilet flush and by that time you're
gone.
It's like you motherfucker.
Next one is called.
This one is just a complete diss on somebody.
His name is Juvenal.
A short dick motherfucker who doesn't give a fuck about his life.
So he just tore this man down.
There's a lot of those in her dictionary.
This one is called Mr. P. A man with a dick so large that he can skewer women.
We call that a John Holmes.
Next one is called a spun ducky.
Someone who is tweaked out on math, been up all night and is needing to go to bed for
several days or several days ago.
So I guess they're called spun duckies.
I like that cracker.
I guess so.
Next one is Williams middle school.
The shittiest place you could ever go.
A fucking hell hole to be exact.
The teachers harass you and yell at you all the time.
The food is trash.
The piece is made from cardboard and half the teachers don't even have high school diplomas.
You could kiss my hairy balls.
So whoever went to Williams high school fucking hated it.
There's a lot of high school life out there.
One two three.
We have two left.
Make sure it's ten.
I'm not repeating ones I've done already.
Right.
Next one is called zingers.
People who constantly yell out punch lines from movies, commercials and television.
I know some people like that.
Hey man, I felt like a good line from a movie or a book or something.
In fact, I want to share it.
I wasn't trying to condone you.
Just say random.
When condone me, mean that you will accept me?
Condone?
You mean condemn?
Condemn us.
Next one is called moon landing.
My muggle and my not too good.
Moon landing.
Accidental unintentional contact between your naked ass cheeks with another individual's
naked ass cheeks.
Oh.
It's resulting in a panicked moment of pause, sudden development of perfect posture on bolting
upright butthole puckering and the grunted sorry cough being elicited.
What the fuck does this happen?
Commonplace in such a time as gyms or work locker rooms.
Like when you're bending down.
I don't know man.
People put butt cheeks.
There's butt cheeks everywhere.
People like to put the asses on the cats for self-port.
There's asses everywhere.
I mean they had a moon landing in the modern family.
Between Jay and Cam.
So they ended up having a moon landing.
Cam like you never had a moon landing?
You guys have a name for it.
You know Jay being Jay.
So yeah I've never actually had a moon landing.
It'd be kind of fun with a woman though.
Butt to butt.
But you don't want to.
But I don't know what you would do after you press your butt cheeks together.
It's like that's it.
There's nothing.
There's no sexual gratification of butt to butt slapping.
No.
Maybe watch a two woman slap bus together.
It would be better.
You're getting yourself ideas.
Something like that.
Alright that is it for Urban Dictionary.
The new stuff for the fan fiction.
My 3000 page opus on sexuality.
Moon landing.
Story chapter 9.
You chapter 994.
I can write pornography like Shakespeare.
But anything else on Urban Dictionary today?
That's it.
Other than I know that I've not been on TikTok.
Someone took my damn idea and they're posting the funniest Urban Dictionary stuff on TikTok.
You fucking thieves.
Yeah a lot of people didn't do Urban Dictionary.
I invented that shit.
Everybody's done Reddit.
My god dang idea.
They'll probably make you have more followers than I do.
Probably.
Mother fuckers man.
They always have more followers than I do.
Like comment and subscribe.
Alright ready?
I'm ready.
So.
My nose is killing me.
Go ahead.
It was the theater that did it.
Oh yeah we went to go see Maddenway guys.
10 out of 10.
That's only because you liked the action.
Alrighty so for our breakdown today we have JLA New World Order.
New World Order.
This was from 1997.
The series ran from January 1997 in JLA number 1 through JLA number 4 of April 1997.
How many tie-ins?
Uh.
That sounded like 32 tie-in issues.
No it was just a straight j-
Oh that's wild.
It did not have tie-in.
They tie-in so fucking hard you gotta need a fucking directory.
Again this was 1997 though so not everything tied in.
Which is cool.
And it wasn't a big um.
World shattering one?
Right it wasn't like the-
Or a medical changing.
Right it wasn't War of the Gods, Crisis on Infinite Earths.
It wasn't like that.
This is literally just a JLA like set.
Cool.
For four issues.
Let's hear it.
It's one that you've probably heard of before but we'll go through it again.
So the main heroes in this are Aquaman, Batman.
Aquaman the fact that he's on the top makes him upset.
It's alphabetical.
Okay just making sure.
I was thinking like from like uh importance.
No.
No this is all alphabetical.
But Aquaman, Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Superman, and Wonder Woman.
So like the core.
Yeah the literal core.
So it's almost like the core from uh the Justice League TV show.
Yeah.
Although for whatever reason they never had Aquaman as like a mainstream.
And if I remember right it was uh Kyle Rayner of Green Lantern?
No it was uh no it was uh John Stewart.
Was it John Stewart?
My boy with that voice.
In 97?
Uh I'm talking about the TV show.
Oh the TV show yeah yeah yeah.
I know Kyle Rayner was never in it.
And neither was Aquaman which is weird.
Like he was in it but like as a side character.
Yeah he was never a main character and that was a surprise.
Yeah huh.
I never thought about that.
But he really wasn't.
And whenever they did the JLA and the DC animated movies they used Hal Jordan.
Which was odd too.
Huh.
As is.
But.
Alright so um JLA New World Order was a four issue story arc and the inaugural event of
the 1997 ongoing JLA title.
The story was written by Grant Morrison with illustrations and cover art by Howard Porter
and John Dell.
Uh Peg um Garaghy and uh Heroic Age provided the coloring and Kent Lopez provided the lettering.
Heroic Age.
I guess that's a pseudonym.
F**king damn I've never heard of a pseudonym.
The story was edited by Ruben Diaz.
All four issues chronically in the event were collected in a trademark paper bag form in
1997 and in a hardcover edition in 2008.
Which is the first time I've seen it.
Years ago.
Yeah.
It was years after.
The story arc is significant for not only being the first major story of the new title
but also for regrouping the Justice League of America known as the JLA at this point
with a familiar and popular team roster.
So that's when we finally got back to having the original seven instead of having Justice
League uh what was it Justice League United and all those other JLAs that had existed.
You mean like Justice League Unlimited?
Like 6,000 superheroes in the show?
Dude I love the-
So many.
I love the question though.
You have the best character arc.
Yeah until you told me the origin story that they're in now.
F**king stupid.
Just oh my god.
It is the first time that heavy hitters such as Aquaman, Batman, Martian Manhunter, Superman
and Wonder Woman have all been teamed up on one team since the mid 1980s at this point.
So we get them all back together in this 1997 beginning again for JLA.
The leaders are back.
The series also introduced the concept of the White Martians.
An aggressive more predatory race of the Martians dramatically different and more uh dramatically
more different than the the green Martians like Martian Manhunter.
Yeah.
Aye.
That must have been the basis for the show then.
Cause the first two episodes were about the White Martian invasion.
It was wasn't it?
Yeah.
So what they did-
And it was it was them meeting uh John Jones for the first time?
Yeah only in this John had already existed for a while.
So uh we start off a team of galactic super beings calling themselves the Hyper Clan have
come to the uh to earth.
White Martians.
That's the-
I know but I know who they are.
The Hyper Clan is what they call themselves.
So the Hyper Clan and I'll give No Way a picture here to see what they look like whenever they
make their way up.
No.
I like the do love me some nudity.
They they they try and make themselves look like superheroes.
Crazy looking superheroes.
Like fail miserably.
Yes.
Uh so they come to earth and they make a showy spectacle of themselves at the National Mall
introducing themselves to the world.
They told the tale of how their home world had been decimated by ecological irresponsibility.
Ecological.
That's a great fucking wording.
I like it.
Equal logical irresponsibility.
And that they now pledge themselves towards preventing the same catastrophes from happening
to other planets.
They announce that they were here on earth to heal the world.
That's their whole concept here.
Back to your own planet ya fucking hippies.
The general populace of earth immediately take a like take a liking to the Hyper Clan
but earth's superhero population they start to become dubious about their intentions as
soon as they meet them like Superman's like the fuck is this like who the hell you think
you are.
So the Hyper Clan they start gaining massive respect whenever they start pulling their
talents toward terraforming the Sahara Desert.
They start having like Instagram and like TikTok videos.
People are loving them.
Superman's got like 800 followers and they got like a thousand.
God dang.
They start posting the gram instead.
Yeah he's like damn they got more subscribers than I do.
So they start terraforming the Sahara Desert turning the arid barren wasteland into a virtual
paradise at this point.
So they take they freeze water from lakes and stuff like that with like their like Superman
esque like freeze breath and stuff like that.
They take it and then melt it over the Sahara Desert turn it into like a rainforest like
where things just start regrowing.
Does that even work?
I mean don't they need plants first or like seeds?
I think they go through and find a way to plant trees and stuff like that all within
the Sahara.
They can't just throw water somewhere and expect something to grow.
Right.
Superman then goes on record expressing his concerns over these demonstrations citing
that there is no way one could determine the long term geological or social ramifications
of such a massive change to the environment.
He goes like Instagram live like look you guys gotta listen to me.
Everyone's like boo boo.
He's like you don't know the ramifications.
You don't know the ramifications.
So despite the legitimacy of the Man of Steel's concerns most people thought that he was just
having sour grapes.
So am I just fucking ragging us?
Don't be like a big Superman.
Well you couldn't do it so they did it.
No that's not that's not going to just fly away.
That's not true.
They basically said that he's jealous of hyperclans.
So he's writing exactly why I went up.
Exactly.
He's just jealous of hyperclans' goals to improve life rather than simply slugging it
out with supervillains all the time.
I'm just being.
No I'm not just all fist.
I'm also a brain.
Two plus two is four.
Two plus two is five.
He's getting completely wrong.
Like a hundred and a hundred and sixty thousand dislikes on Instagram.
Damn.
Dislike button is getting worse.
He can go into town on his TikTok videos.
And then the hyperclan they also use their abilities to serve as law enforcement catching
dangerous criminals and executing them.
Public support for them.
Let me guess.
They're like yeah you gotta get extreme with these villains.
No you have to be extreme.
Public support for their actions increased exponentially.
Yeah you did it in 2024.
Superman and his colleagues in the JLA soon discover however that there were more to the
hyperclan than what they've seen.
They suspect that a connection between the hyperclan and the unidentified groups of invaders
who came from out of nowhere and destroyed the Justice League's previous satellite headquarters.
Damn.
So when they came through they destroyed the satellite headquarters first.
They just went and ran it over.
They didn't even see it.
They went in and tried.
They just went oh what the fuck was that.
Superman and Batman.
He's like I fucking paid for that.
Oh my god that's three billion dollars down the fucking drain.
This incident resulted in the disbanding of the previous league.
You know the fact that Batman funds most of it right.
In my head I imagined him somewhere in the middle of the night.
It's like Saturday at night right.
And he's just got a big stack of receipts and a little like cash.
God damn.
A hundred and fifty grand for what.
He's just fucking.
Wouldn't that not be fucking funny.
He's just fucking.
God damn man.
Well it wasn't a thing.
Was it family guy that made fun of that.
Where it's like we need to buy a new headquarters and it's like you have who was the Superman
saying Bruce Wayne he would be able to pay for it and no he wouldn't.
I know who he is.
No he wouldn't.
No he wouldn't pay for that.
No.
Batman just broke his head like that.
So this incident results in the disbanding of the previous league and the apparent death
of the team member Metamorpho.
The hyper clan meanwhile continued to maintain a foot hold on the planet.
They erected a massive watchtower of citadels all across the globe and headquartered themselves
in a fortress in Antarctica named Zanzor.
Damn they're just fucking making tracks all over everywhere.
The Justice League soon learned that the hyper clan were not the benevolent beings they pretended
to be and were using mind control technology to deter public opinion against the league.
Thus embracing the hyper clan as Earth's preeminent champions.
So it wasn't long before the league and the hyper clan came to blows.
So they start wailing on each other.
To me it's like finally.
Aquaman fought against their leader Protex which he's like a yellow glowing dude.
That's that one?
Okay.
Yeah where he looks like he's like...
Like he's un-lying.
Yeah yeah.
Wonder Woman and Aquaman fight against the female hyper clan members Primade and Tronix.
Like that big Hulk looking one?
And the red one with the titties out?
The flashing green lanterns had their hands full with Zhin-Turion and the super speed
stir zoom.
And I can tell which one that one is.
Yeah that's easy.
Looks like Quicksilver.
Yeah.
While the Martian Manhunter swaps blows with the armored Armec.
Batman concentrated his efforts on the wraith like a mortal.
Okay I see that one yeah.
On the top of the skull.
Yeah like a grim reaper looking...
Yeah.
How many are there?
One two three.
Same number as their own.
Okay okay.
So they fight against their own counterpart space.
Right.
And then the Protects place the League members inside of an ancient torture device called
the Flower of Wrath.
After this that happens though after let's see here because I skipped ahead of my my
the stuff that I wrote down.
So you have Batman fighting against a mortal but lost the initial round whenever a mortal
destroys his bat plane.
The type of my bat plane?
Yes.
Okay 200,000 200 million dollars down the fucking drain.
So in total the hyper clan squirted defies a divisive victory over the League.
Protects brought all of the captured members back to Zanzor and that's where they put the
Martian Manhunter he's missing in action and Batman is presumed dead.
Ouch.
After his bat plane caught fire.
Protects placed the League members inside of an ancient the ancient torture device known
as the Flower of Wrath.
Although his victory over the League seemed to be complete his downfall was soon forthcoming.
Because he he made one one mistake in his calculations and you already know who that
was against.
So Aquaman?
Batman.
Batman?
He assumed Batman was dead.
So that was probably the dumbest thing you could have done.
Batman had survived the crash of the bat plane and had infiltrated Zanzor.
So he made his way into this this tower that they had in Antarctica.
Creepied about the lower levels of the Citadel he discovered the truth about the hyperclans
origins they were Martians.
So of course Batman's the one the detective to figure out they're not some super far off
alien race they're just white Martians.
As such Batman knew that they were vulnerable to the fires.
So armed with his new and valuable knowledge he began conducting surgical strikes against
that team.
All for lots of nukes.
Taking them down one at a time.
Because they do their weakness is fire.
They start throwing fire at him.
He started using lighters and matches.
The Martian manheader meanwhile had disguised himself as a hyperclan member Armec and was
waiting for the opportune time to strike.
So he wasn't missing in action either.
He just shapeshifted into one of them.
So he beat the hell out of one of them?
And took his place?
And while imprisoned Superman learned for himself that his captors were Martians he
was able to break free of his bond and fight back.
The Martian manheader switched back to his normal form and deactivated the flower of
wrath freeing the rest of his teammates.
But the funniest part that I find in all of it is that whenever you have this guy telling
Superman like you know Batman is dead.
Like we killed him.
Like he's not coming back while they're sitting in this torture device.
And you have Superman do you think or do you know?
And he's like no we think he's dead.
And he's like you just basically released the most dangerous man in the world on you
by not checking to see if he's dead.
And Batman the only reason he even figured out that they were weak to fire is because
they didn't check the plane crash.
Because it was on fire.
So they just oh he's dead.
They didn't even go look because there's fire right there.
To be fair if someone bursts into flames I'm like well I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Batman?
Nah.
Hold my beer I'm coming back.
Just fuck them all up.
So the JLA and the hyper clan have their final battle on the frozen wasteland surrounding
Zanzor.
They succeeded in defeating them but quickly became aware of an even more pressing concern.
Prior to the battle, Protax had sent a signal to the Martian invasion fleet waiting to attack
Earth from a hyperspace pocket called the Still Zone.
The Martians began striking at a major populist center and the people of Earth stood little
chance against him.
Back at Zanzor, Superman broadcast a global message telling the world about the Martians
and their vulnerability to fire.
As nearly everyone had access to some kind of flammable accelerant, it wasn't long before
the people of Earth were able to repel the Martian force.
I think they would have thought like you know maybe she was talking about special suits.
Maybe a retardant type of thing to keep it from bursting into fucking flames.
No no.
I remember the dumbass aliens from science.
Yeah.
Horrible afflicted by water.
Yes.
They come to a planet that fucking rains a lot.
Exactly.
Fucking genius.
So with the crisis passed, the League was tasked with the responsibility of what to
do about the hyper clan.
Superman Manhunter psychically lobotomized the team members of the hyper clan completely.
Based on us huh?
Yep.
Forcing them to assume mundane humanoid forms.
Hows.
Forged with their new identities and no knowledge of their Martian heritage, they were sent
out into the world to join the human race.
Fucking bogged down by bills and...
It's like you know what?
Terrible fucking jobs.
That would be more torture.
No kidding.
It's like you know what, how about no prison for you.
I'm gonna lobotomize you and you're gonna go work.
You're gonna go work a mundane job.
We're gonna Sonic just fucking slam the car off.
Like daaah.
But since he lobotomized them they also don't have their fear of fire.
But they should still have a fear of fire.
I'm afraid of fire.
Not like, I mean like a debilitating weakness to fire anymore.
Cause that's the whole thing with John Jones too.
Is that I can't remember how late it was but they actually got him to overcome his fear
of fire.
Because it was a psychological thing.
It wasn't really any actual weakness to fire itself.
Cause I know during Batman, like when Batman in Justice League Tower of Battle where he
has his whole plans of how to defeat every member of the Justice League.
He used that psychological fear against Martian Manhunter and he lit his ass on fire too with
magnesium.
Magnesium.
Where the fire doesn't go out in water.
More space.
Not particularly.
Still oxygen in space.
Doesn't have to.
Whatever that's what I'm saying, whatever chemical he coated Martian Manhunter in, it
was enough to keep burning everywhere.
It didn't need oxygen.
It was like a chemical fire it wasn't.
Chemical compound.
Yeah.
What about sand?
I'll find a way.
You know what, just kill me.
Well yeah, that was the hyper clan thing.
Hyper clan.
I mean you see what they look like though.
Yeah.
They look like, some of them look like horrible versions of the character.
I'm not kidding.
Although the A-Mortal doesn't look too bad.
The grim maneuver one.
It doesn't look too terrible.
They got two heavy hitters too.
That Hulk looking one and the Mr. Thing looking one.
Yeah.
Or not Mr. Thing, the thing.
Hmm.
Okay.
These are the first four issues of that new Justice League book set.
Roster?
Was it like a, was it the start of a new ongoing series or was it just about stand alone?
Yeah it was the new series of Justice League.
And like I said they hadn't been together, these core members since the mid 1980s.
Damn.
So this is them bringing them back into one team again.
But they were back.
Obviously it gave rise to Justice League Unlimited and all that kind of stuff.
This was moving away from like Justice League of America.
Justice League, what was it?
International.
Justice League Sacred.
Right.
They were like Task Force.
Justice League, not the Justice League but sort of Justice League.
Right.
It was.
Justice League's Junior Division.
Because with the whole like death of Superman in the early 90s, they started having so many
different versions of Justice League that this was back toward, instead of just saying
Justice League, it went back to JLA.
Talk about like the craziest fucking character decision for anybody, fictional character,
is making Superman blue and red.
Oh that was weird.
Was it not?
That was very weird.
Weirdest decision I've ever seen for a character ever.
They took the Man of Steel and made him some weird like split personality of two different
entities.
Yeah.
A blue run and a red Superman.
I thought he came back together again.
And I'm back.
It was such a weird choice.
I don't remember though, after the New 52.
None of them.
They must have done a line of fucking cocaine and they were like I got a fucking idea.
Whatever it was, Tuesday's fucking grinding his teeth back left to right.
You ever see anyone do that?
Yeah.
Like the people with dentures like click their teeth left to right.
Yeah.
I had this old lady one day, she was like, she was clicking away.
I'm like are you doing Morse code?
Do you need help?
It was like just clickety clack.
Sure.
Must be nice to be able to click your teeth and not worry about them getting cracked,
you know?
I wouldn't want to do it.
Imagine like clicking your teeth together, your real teeth.
They can do that with dentures because they don't feel it.
But man that shit would hurt.
I mean I can click my teeth a little but I don't want to do it too hard.
Yeah.
It's like crack teeth.
How?
Oh shit.
I totally want to do all that.
But like I said, all this now, it has no effect on the canon of DC Universe.
I thought it was cool but if I cover any more comic books or anything like that, I'll
go back to the ones that actually were more interesting compared to what we have now.
I looked at some of the stuff.
Like you have High School Batman now, where it's like a manga.
Goddamn trigonometry.
I can't figure it out.
Oh so stupid.
Oh.
Oh which reminds me, did you see what Disney did to the 1997 X-Men?
No.
They took away the ass that Rogue had.
She had an ass?
You couldn't even see that.
The ass in the comic.
One of the rare times where I wasn't highly sexualized was when I was watching the 1997
X-Men.
I'm just saying they took away the crease of how her ass would have looked.
Like they desexualized all those characters completely.
That's alright.
They weren't sexualized to begin with really.
Hey bub.
Look at my hairy ass chest.
Well yeah, that's all I got on our dive today.
Hard ass devils.
Out of man-tire.
Alright, you ready to get into some Reddit today?
Yeah.
Alright.
First one is by Divine G. Jesus is that you?
This person puts, one day a coworker brings me a bunch of one chip challenge chips and
says if anyone wants to eat them.
Oh lord.
We're all going to watch.
Being the Mexican that I am.
Oh no.
I was overconfident in my spice towerings.
Okay man.
That is no problem man.
Somebody did that in the Philippines where they gave them one.
Fucking dang man.
I fucked up man.
I can see you soon man.
I decided to take the challenge and see if I can outlast my other coworker.
Everyone is gathered around my coworker and I waiting in anticipation to see our red hot
faces.
Oh I see.
You can just burst into flames.
Got they magnesium man.
We both eat the chips and wait a minute.
Yeah, it's pretty hot I guess.
Nothing crazy.
My face is a little sweaty doing some slight mouth panting but nothing crazy.
It's just pain.
Everyone is disappointed that we didn't react more but I still have my spicy pride intact.
I prove my
Fl inside sent Advent looks to see,
Then I started to feel a slight stomach disruption.
Oh ha ha.
Probably got a poop or something right.
I start walking towards the bathroom and realize this is no ordinary stomach movement.
This is pain reflected from the devil himself.
I start getting this gut-wrenching pain in my gut,
and it doesn't even feel like spice.
It just feels like someone took a knife
and was just fucking around in there.
God dang!
He must've got him in a,
he must've had an ulcer or something.
Could have.
Just reacted to it.
That's a bad idea.
What the hell is the man?
What's going on?
What the fuck is going on with me?
What the hell, man?
My fucking asshole, man.
I have to get out of the building
because my entire body is starting to sweat.
So I'm starting to get tunnel vision.
It's pouring rain outside and this feels amazing.
I try to put my butt cheeks into the sky, man.
The water will drip into my asshole, man.
I'm just gonna get my life being read.
I start vomiting aggressively.
God dang!
In the war parking lot,
in the pouring rain,
and eventually just lay down near the vomit
and try surviving the pain.
He just fucking dies.
That was for three minutes, man.
I started taking off my shirt
because the whole experience is so overwhelming.
Jesus Christ, man.
What the fuck happened to you?
Having a fucking out of body life experience.
I am laying there hyperventilated
and for some reason what's on my mind is my pride.
I can't let my co-worker see me like this.
I won the damn chip challenge.
Here we go, Zagorale.
I'm all right, man.
Very stupid, I know.
I should have had someone take me to the ER
right then and there,
but nah, I'm gonna do it.
I would probably cost a lot of money too.
I crawl into my car shirtless,
pouring sweat,
but you can't tell because it's raining so much
and I managed to turn on the car somehow.
It took me a while to move the vehicle.
I was just sitting there processing this.
It was happening.
I'm gonna keep my asshole closed.
It was just shocked as I didn't know
this amount of pain was possible
and I didn't expect to feel it at work.
I remembered I had a bottle of pesto.
Oh, he says pesto.
It's supposed to be Pepto.
Okay.
Pepto, I had a bottle of Pepto.
Pesto Bismol.
Kills diarrhea, upsets the stomach and bugs.
My guess is that it was probably
Spellcheck that corrected that for him,
but it's supposed to be,
I had a bottle of Pepto Bismol in my car.
This is some weird Hispanic thing
that even I don't know about.
I had Pesto Bismol.
You gave me the pesto, man?
I'm fucking done with you, man.
You could have just put it in wrong.
You make me think it's called pesto.
Probably.
I need some pesto Bismol.
Shit, you know what my day used to call Gatorade?
Used to call it Genny Gay.
Genny?
I don't fucking know.
You're gonna get gayed?
That's tricky.
Yeah, that's how he called it.
Had an argument with a guy
at a fucking supermarket trying to look for it.
Where's the Genny Gay at?
What the fuck are you talking about?
So he chugs it all down in a futile attempt at recovery.
It did nothing.
It's very stupid of me to drive in this condition,
but I was in a crazy head space, okay?
And terrified of what was happening.
I'm shivering and writhing on my drive home,
which is only a seven minute drive away.
I'm not fucking sure though, that's why.
I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving.
Just fucking dipped.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It takes a lot for a Mexican to leave work.
You must have been on the verge of death.
I must have looked insane to anyone who saw me in my car,
but I managed to get home.
Me driving shirtless, making grotesque faces,
and screaming.
Is it fucking weird?
While screaming while I have pee stuff all around my mouth
and pesto bismol that escaped my mouth.
Jesus Christ.
I can't explain it, but it hurt to walk
because it would shift things in my stomach so much.
I basically crawled into my house
and then got in my bathtub.
I turned on the shower, the shower headset.
I turned on the shower head,
set it to the coldest temperature,
and for the next few hours,
I started to have what I call spice visions.
The pain became so unbearable
that I kind of just floated away from it
and entered a dreamlike state
and was just reliving various memories
and felt like physical sensations in my body
that I felt out of this world.
It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced
and I have some gamely energy.
This is me, game injuries.
Gamely injuries.
In the past, like completely destroying my ACL
and falling on it during recovery.
This was something else.
I now realize I probably had an ulcer
that my spice was leaking into.
Hard way to learn.
Baha.
Fuck.
Has anyone else had a similar experience, the pain?
Nobody else has cried in the parking lot after.
Did you take your shirt off me?
They're not weird as yet.
Someone comes out after work, right, to go home.
There's a fucking just a shirt on the fucking floor.
Well, the title would have given it away,
but it said,
today I fucked up by eating the world's hottest chip
and destroying my insides at work,
then tripping balls.
All right.
Next one is by a really good sandwich.
This person puts,
this is honestly kind of two,
today I fucked ups, in one.
I accidentally gave myself a yeast infection
from using one of my sex toys.
Damn girl, calm down.
Well, I'm assuming it's a woman.
Yeah.
So women have more sex toys than men.
But nowadays, the flesh lights everywhere.
Well, you don't get a yeast infection, though.
I don't know what you do with a flesh light.
I know what you do.
I don't know what you do with it.
I usually use toy cleaner
before running under some hot water, but this time-
Oh, they got toy cleaner.
They use it for water.
Oh, lord.
But this time I used regular hand soap instead.
I wash my toys before and after use.
I have some fun one night, woke up,
and the next day was oncoming symptoms of a yeast infection.
My vajayjay hurt.
Oh, praise the Lord.
It was a little itchy,
and it felt like I constantly had to wipe myself.
Jesus, girl, I was in the bathroom doing exactly that.
When I finished, I turned around
and noticed the alcohol sitting on the shelf.
I thought to myself,
well, what exactly is a yeast infection?
A fungal infection?
And what is 91% isopropyl alcohol?
An antiseptic?
Perfect.
This is a no-brainer.
I ripped off a piece of paper towel
and got it soaked with the alcohol.
I threw my foot up on the counter,
confident in the fact that I had outsmarted the infection.
I needed the leverage to get real deep in there.
I pressed the paper towel up in my vajayjay.
Before I even got the chance to pull the paper towel away,
I immediately regretted every decision I had ever made
leading up until this point.
My vajayjay was burning.
Bad.
This was a horrible idea.
It just kept getting worse.
I thought it was gonna swell shut.
Ouch.
I ripped off a new piece of paper towel
and soaked with that one in water.
Dabbed that one with that instead.
It felt like Satan was clawing at my insides.
Hell was metaphorically my vajayjay in that moment.
This went on for about five to 10 minutes.
I cringed thinking back to the sounds I was making.
The whimpers and the pleas for one,
for someone to help me.
And no one in the way to help me.
Just going to Walmart and got a monistat three inch chain.
Eesh.
My God.
That must hurt.
Two points.
Don't ever rub alcohol anywhere near yourself.
Ever.
It's gonna burn.
Yeah.
Number two.
My cousin used to shave my head, right?
With a razor.
Yeah.
And fucking slapped the back of my head
with an alcohol swab.
Fuck.
Oh.
Oh, it hurts.
Yeah, I should fucking kill.
Number two.
My God, girl, you use your sex toys too much.
Yeah, girl, you get it on to you.
You gotta get laid.
My Jesus Christ.
Fuck.
You're gonna get the vagina arrest.
It's like you got the clear.
You got toys with a...
Pour on your ass.
My God.
And you probably wouldn't get it
if you didn't stick it somewhere else.
It's like the goddamn broke back three thousand.
All right, next one is by Hammer of Justice.
I'm very...
So this was a little while ago.
It took me some time to recover.
I have bad kidneys, so my nephrologist
makes me regularly do what they call
a 24 hour urine collection.
You are given a 10 liter plastic bottle
containing some hydrochloric acid.
There's a long-winded scientific explanation
for why it is done,
but it's not important for the story.
And you urinate into it for 24 hours.
And then return the bottle
to the pathology center for testing.
I had to do this on a weekday,
so brought the bottle into the office with me.
Oh no, is there a way you go?
Left it in my bag in the disabled toilet
with a note saying, do not touch,
and started the regular trek
between my desk and the toilet.
I have to drink about eight liters a day,
so it's a lot of toilet visits.
Late in the afternoon, the bottle was getting full,
and I'm in the process of making it fuller
when I get splash back on the tip.
I don't think even Shakespeare is capable
of describing how eye-wateringly painful
getting even diluted hydrochloric acid onto your tip is.
Fortunately, I was in the disabled toilet,
so my screams were muffled,
and I was able to stagger to the basin
and put my junk under the stream of cold water.
I can't remember how long I stood there
splashing water over it while crying in pain
and damning the litany of poor life choices
that it led to this moment.
How high did he have to like...
Fill it?
No, I mean, like he said he put his water,
his dick underneath the water faucet, right?
Yeah.
It's a disabled one, so it probably sits lower.
Okay, because I'm like, there's no way I could reach
being as short as I am.
I'd have to fucking shove my dick into the fucking...
Jump?
Yeah.
You can go over and over and over.
Like, no, I think it's how high a sink is
till you need to use it for something you don't know
about us to.
Eventually, I turned the water off,
very gently patted it dry with paper towels
and staggered back to my desk,
unaware that the front of my trousers were soaking wet.
I then collapsed into my seat,
having lost the function of speech,
while desperately looking for something alkaline
to stick my dick in.
Look, just...
Sadly, no one had a turnip at their desk.
Work colleagues took one look at my profuse sweating,
whimpering man with the saturated trousers
and wisely kept their distance.
I don't think there is any long-term damage
to the old hammer of justice,
but don't mind me if I sit out any upcoming
ordecent invitations.
I guess I better rest in that low orgy invitation.
Yeah.
Let's see here.
Next one is by Don't Have a Soul 666.
Oh, please.
All right, this person puts...
Let's see...
What would T.W.?
What the hell does T.W. mean?
Oh, trigger warning.
Now we have trigger warnings in Reddit.
We just talked about a girl running alcohol on her for JJ
and a dude getting acid on his dick.
Now we have trigger warnings.
No.
Okay.
Maybe it's suicide or something.
No, no, it's about vomiting.
Well, people are, you know...
All right, this person puts...
When I got to bed, I remembered
I forgot to put the leftover soup away.
So I headed downstairs and packed it up into the fridge,
foolishly thinking that I hadn't been that long
since I left it out.
I saw the bowl and I had left out
and decided to heat it back up in the microwave and eat it.
Such a big mistake.
I go back to bed only to wake up an hour later
with the worst stomach cramps and realizing
if I didn't get to the bathroom right now,
I'm going to puke all over the bed.
I get into the bathroom and go through the dilemma of,
do I sit on the toilet or do I throw up first
and risk shitting my pants?
And a lot of soups gonna be there to you.
How quick did they go bad?
I didn't think it would go bad.
Like from a couple of hours?
My God.
What did you put in there?
It must have been bad from the beginning.
Right.
I decided to sit on the toilet first.
I've always had a weak stomach and just a few hours ago
made the mistake of throwing up first
and having an accident.
A few months ago, sorry.
Oh, well, she's already fucking with you.
You know what I should have said.
God dang.
Nope, I'm throwing up now.
So I quickly spin around and violently throw up
everything in my stomach.
Beans and corns are the worst thing
to eat before throwing up.
They get stuck in the back of my throat,
in my sinuses and in my nose.
God dang.
The sensation of corn and beans covered in stomach acid
make me vomit even more,
causing more chunks to get stuck in my throat and sinuses.
I was just a cycle of trying to get the vomit chunks
out of the back of my throat and aggressively gagging.
I finally get done with the gagging.
Now it's time to blow my nose as hard as I can
to get the corn out of my sinuses.
God, corn in your side?
Should have fucking shot the wrong way.
Yeah.
Oh.
I blow and blow and blow.
It takes forever to come out.
Then I noticed that there's a burning sensation
near where my sinuses meet my throat.
I have to keep trying to snort the corn back into my throat.
And whenever it finally does,
of course it triggers me to gag and vomit
and the cycle begins again.
God dang.
Eventually the torture is over
and I can finally go back to bed.
My sinuses back in my throat and my lips are burning
from the long exposure of stomach acid.
I wake up this morning feeling weak, my throat in agony.
And whenever I looked into the mirror,
there was a burst blood vessel all over my face.
Now it's like, just yeah, blood vessels all fucked up.
I look horrible.
I should be, it should be common sense,
but if you're stupid like me,
please don't eat that snack
that's been sitting on the counter for hours.
It is not worth it.
Edit.
It probably was more of an hour
after I ate the soup whenever I got sick.
I was goofing around with my cats for a while
before I went to sleep.
My daughter also ate the soup whenever it was fresh
and did not get sick.
I had a busy day and the soup was the only thing
I had eaten.
Edit two.
I should probably be checked
for cyclic vomiting syndrome, IBS and allergies.
This happens a lot more often
than I'd like to admit.
So maybe you just get sick easily.
Right.
So on the edit, you're just saying basically
this happens with a lot of things.
Yeah, so it wasn't the soup.
No.
From an hour ago.
No, I would say out of the soup though,
it does say that you wouldn't want to, you know,
vomit up corn and beans and.
Like I get that part,
but it's just not enough time for it to go bad.
No, that's what I was gonna say.
What if it's left out?
I think this more has to do with her, this person.
I've left shit.
I've left.
We're being realistic here.
But I've left KFC on the counter all night.
It came in after this morning.
No, but this shit is fucking delish.
Exactly.
You go to bed, it's like, you know what?
Fuck it.
I'll eat it later.
In the morning.
Man, all we hear is,
put an asshole out for about an hour.
Yeah, man, that's it an hour.
It's like.
The stuff that sits out at like Sprouse supermarkets
since they're all fucking dead.
He fucking bred from like the seven days over.
It's still good.
You eat it and then you notice the mold.
It's like.
Oh, well this one didn't have any mold.
Alrighty, next one is by angrymouse567.
This person pits.
The toilet in our apartment sometimes doesn't flush right.
It is gross and I always check,
but today I forgot.
And I happened to be on my period.
My roommate is a lovely gay guy
who has also one of my best friends.
So today he knocks on the door
and he looks like he's going to pass out.
He asks me if I'm all right and if I'm in pain.
Safe to say I have no clue what he means
and he explains that he saw an embryo in the toilet.
Hell.
I was quiet for a moment and asked him to show me
and he proceeded to show me
the very small blood clot in the toilet.
I almost cried laughing.
It gave him a lesson in female anatomy.
Please don't.
But my poor sweet roommate was completely prepared
to console me with chocolate.
By the way, he thought the blood that came out
was only liquid, bright red and not that much.
Bless him.
Wait, did he, wait, you know what?
I don't want to know.
I don't either.
I'm not even gonna.
I thought that, I thought, wait.
Look, look.
I'm so scared.
So there's more than just blood that comes out
during a period?
Yeah.
Oh.
It's the lining of the uterus.
The more you know.
Yeah.
Reading room science class.
Heh, heh, heh.
Alrighty, and last one for today is by Meteor Catcher.
Who has he caught?
I don't know.
It's person puts.
Hopefully this isn't overly vulgar.
I personally think it deserves as a,
it serves as a cautionary tale.
This happened a few years ago
while I was on a strict keto diet.
Oh boy.
I used to eat a lot of sunflower seeds.
Sorted.
My condesmit.
Wait now, you gotta try these sunflower seeds.
My mouth is all cut, all kinds of cut up,
but you gotta eat these sunflower seeds.
Why don't you just eat them and you'll be all right.
Yeah.
But eating them, he's like,
oh fuck, I pounded a sunflower seed today.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I love sunflower seeds.
You're a little out of character.
But I also don't eat the shells.
You're a little out of character.
This helped him cur,
let's see.
Let's see.
I used to eat a lot and sunflower seeds
sort of helped curb that since I was taking
significantly longer to eat them
than chips, candy, or et cetera.
I like to eat this full sunflower seed shell included.
Oh Lord, oh Lord.
Which spoiler alert?
Your shits must be fucking jacking as fuck.
You're not supposed to do, at all.
I ate three bags of seeds over the course of two days,
shells included.
I wonder how big of bags we're talking here,
like the full bag.
Yeah.
It's a lot of fucking shell.
The salt split my lips and the tongue
and I was constipated for about a week afterward.
I was foggy.
Then the day came where I knew something had to be done.
I hadn't been shit in such a long time.
I was having severe stomach pain.
Once I sat on the toilet and started pushing,
it didn't take long for me to realize
exactly how much trouble I was in.
Oh no.
The seeds had accumulated into one huge, hard,
cylindrical tube in my ass.
Like a goddamn tree branch.
I'm taking splinters, I'm talking splinters and thickness.
You know you can eat salt, you can eat a pumpkin seeds,
all you want, you'll be all right.
I guarantee you'll be fine.
Every push sent me through a more agonizing pain.
I turned on the shower so maybe the steam would help me push.
That's the irrational things people do
when they know they're in trouble.
Just randomly, maybe if I turn the lights off,
it's gonna help me shit better.
You know what I mean?
Like for random shit they can think,
oh I'm gonna sleep on the shower.
And the water just gets right, like somehow.
He's just hoping and praying for anything.
But I would strain for several more minutes.
Get most of this hell cylinder out,
then lose the strength to finish the job
and it would shut the fuck up.
He's just like.
He's all fat.
Back up his asshole and he made no progress.
That's when you gotta clench your butt cheeks.
And hold it in play.
Fight way back.
Oh man.
It felt like I was actually shitting out a tree brand.
It's time I failed to get it out.
It would shoot back up into my house.
Ouch.
I read somewhere that squatting makes it easier to do.
Oh man, is there anything you can think of?
So I eventually made my way over to the bathtub,
balanced on the edge of it, squatted and pushed.
It was bloody.
Boom.
It was painful.
Ouch.
And it was exhausting.
The sound of it hitting the bottom of the tub was heavenly.
But it wasn't over yet.
All the food that I accumulated after that, yeah.
After the sunflower seeds came out,
a solid stream for about two minutes straight.
Oof.
The aftermath was horrible.
It felt like I had barbed wire in my underwear
for weeks after that.
Ouch.
I know, my asshole will never be the same.
In that surgery.
No.
A gnarled tree.
It's coming out of my ass.
Oh man.
God.
The water in the center of the thing.
The fucking sunflower seeds, Jesus.
What in any way, shit, before, do they look edible?
Sunflower seeds?
No, the fucking shells.
The shells.
The shells?
No.
When did they, you can just tell.
See, I made the mistake of that when I was a kid.
I ate some of them, like with the shell on there.
And one got slodged in my gum.
So it's like, eh, I'm trying to pick it back out.
It comes out bloody out of your gum.
You never eat them again with shell.
It's just like, sometimes you can just taste it
and you realize this is not gonna,
but you bite into it and you can realize they're not edible.
Right, they taste like tree branch bark.
You can eat some, you can eat pumpkin seeds
for fucking days.
That shit'll blast out your ass.
That's what he should have done to counteract it.
It would have been even worse.
He just piled it backwards.
Now pumpkin seeds, you can eat those for like,
a pound of them would be fine.
Right, because the shells are soft.
Yeah, but not fucking.
Also, if you eat too many pumpkin seeds,
like for some people, myself included,
but if you eat them, just too many of them,
like your tongue starts burning like really bad.
So.
I guess because of the.
I ate them by the fucking barrel.
Rawr rawr rawr rawr.
It's a Mexican thing.
So lesson learned, do not eat sunflower seeds
with the shells.
Don't fucking eat them with the shells on.
Three full bags.
I wish they didn't even sell them with the damn shell on
with how dumb people are.
Yeah, people are, yeah.
Yeah, people are not the brightest.
You gotta take everything in the food market
just to help them out so they don't fucking kill themselves.
Yeah, like there was just recently a clip I seen
where it was from one of these cooking shows
with like Gordon Ramsay, I think,
where this bitch is in there with an avocado
cutting through the sea.
Oh.
We got Ramsay looking at her like,
what the fuck is wrong with you?
Jesus.
So yes, people are stupid.
Take a friend line to me once,
just told me that the fucking seed in the middle is poisonous.
Not poisonous, but I wouldn't eat it.
Of course I wouldn't eat it.
But there's nothing to fucking see.
There's also the thing that people thought,
they believe that there is more avocado
on the inside of the seed.
If we cut into it, there's more.
And then I realized, I was like, if this is poisonous,
why would we even have the seeds in the middle?
Right.
I was like, you lying son of a bitch.
But to be fair, apples are.
Poisonous?
Cyanide.
I'm still alive.
Yeah, but you don't eat apple seeds though, constantly.
No, it's a slow dosage, I guess.
If you eat, I think it's, I think it's a relatively small.
I wouldn't even eat any fucking apple seeds.
I hate fucking seeds, except for pumpkin seeds.
Right.
I don't think it's even a high dosage.
Like it doesn't take, let's see here.
Yeah, it looks like it would take about 15 to 20 apples.
God damn it.
If you ate just the seeds out of the core.
I wouldn't be eating 15 apples.
In one sitting, I'm like, I'm fucking tired of apples.
No, but think about like if you were only eating apples
as part of your diet.
Right.
And dumb people, I eat the apple core too.
I eat the apple core.
No, you don't.
Well, when you cut it in the middle,
you take the seeds out.
Yeah, that's the core.
That's what I take out the seeds.
You take the full thing away.
I don't know what horse would eat a fucking whole apple,
including the core with the seeds and all.
I've seen him eat the whole apple.
No, I'm saying I don't know what like horse of a human.
Oh, I don't know.
Like when you cut the apple in the middle, right?
And just like take out the seeds.
Yeah, that's the core there.
So that's just consider the core.
Yeah.
Just the seeds.
Yeah.
Like the what that like a fiber is hard shit
in the middle of an apple.
Nobody's really eating that.
I don't like the ways of an apple though.
So I just cut it in the middle.
I hollow out the fucking middle.
Yeah, that's the core there.
All right.
Well, I guess I'll live.
Exactly.
Because it's the seeds themselves.
It's 80 to 500 seeds.
In a shit hole.
That's where they get cyanide though.
From apple?
Yeah.
From apple.
That's where they get cyanide though. From apples?
Well, from things like apples.
But you've been a fucking murderer.
You sure are buying a lot of apples lately.
I'm buying a bunch.
Maybe like a hundred, a hundred apples.
He's fucking taking all the seeds out trying to make points.
Somebody would be dumb.
You wouldn't be fucking determined enough to do that.
I'm gonna kill everybody.
With apples.
I'm gonna cut these darts.
What do you think Johnny Appleseed was really doing?
Just fucking murdering people with apples.
He had all the seeds.
Remember the bags of seeds?
Oh Lord.
That's all I got for Reddit today.
Anything else to add before we head out?
Yes.
If it's, if you eat it and you die, it's poisonous.
If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
It's not that hard to figure that out.
They mean different things.
Poison and venom are two different separate things.
Yes.
Yes they are.
Damn you, Madam Web.
That's gonna bother you for a while.
It's so annoying.
Terminology.
Yeah.
Proper word usage matters.
For some people, yes.
For others it does not.
And also she looks like Professor X.
But with that, we will see you guys on the next one.
Bye.