Hello and welcome back to the podcast.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment podcast covering your favorite and unknown movies,
games, anime, and more weekly.
We appreciate you being here and hope you enjoy the show.
All right, let's go ahead and get started.
All right, guys, we start, we always start cozy nights with some breaking news, as breaking
as it can be when it's weekly.
You know what I mean?
I get all this stuff from the Associated Press app.
So I will cite the source and I'll read it verbatim.
So it's more intelligent than I can say it from my own brain.
This one doesn't have an author though.
So it's, it came out January 11th, 2024.
Fruit Striped Gum to Bite the Dust After a Half-Century of Highly Abbreviated Rainbow
Flavors.
Really?
Oh, yeah, it's gone.
It's done.
This was, I guess it was written in San Francisco.
So Fruit Striped Gum, something of a childhood icon for many gum chewers over the past five
decades will soon head over the rainbow with its multicolored zebra mascot, Yipes, seemingly
for good.
I don't know that mascot's name was Yipes.
Right, me either.
I mean, I know about the gum.
Everyone, yeah.
It wasn't that good.
It was good for a second.
For like the first five seconds that you chew on it.
The manufacturer of Fruit Striped Gum, the Chicago company Ferreira Candy Co. gave the
magazine Food and Wine a statement Tuesday that is discontinuing the product on Wednesday.
So I don't know if it's last Wednesday or it's already gone.
So I'm assuming it's gone now forever.
So if you can find them, they're going to be worth something maybe eventually.
An unidentified company spokesman did the same for CNN.
Ferreira did not respond to multiple requests from the Associated Press on Thursday seeking
confirmation of his decision.
So they didn't really confirm or deny.
Right.
Even though they just told Food and Wine.
Yeah.
So Food Striped may have been best known for its oversized packs of spectral striped gum
sticks, each bearing distinct fruit flavor that was different flavors.
That bitch was one fucking flavor.
It's like Skittles.
And the minute it touched air, it was dry.
Each bearing distinct flavor, fruit flavor that typically faded away quickly upon chewing.
There you go.
So we are on the same page.
We all know.
For years, the packs contained temporary tattoos of brand mascot Yipes, a rainbow zebra that
kids could apply to their arms, legs, and faces.
I do remember that.
I didn't know they had tattoos.
Yeah.
Are those temporary tattoos?
Yeah.
Where you wet the back of them and they stick to you?
I didn't know they had them for gum.
Gum chewers often joked that the tattoos lasted far longer than the gum slayer.
That one got me.
So notorious for the gum's ephemeral taste that it ended up in a fitting brief gag on
the animated sitcom Family Guy.
I haven't seen it.
Yipes also had a minor cult following, especially once the company coined Yipes Stripes as a
commercial catchphrase.
The gum was first launched by a bygone candy maker, Beach Nut, in 1969, but ended up at
Ferrero following a series of corporate handovers and mergers.
Ferrero itself is a unit of the Italian conglomerate Ferrero.
Ferrero shape?
I don't know.
It just says Ferrero.
I think that's the one that makes those chocolates.
So there you go.
That was Stripe gum.
Just like their flavor.
I was wondering why at the dollar store they were all of a sudden they used to be there
all the time this last year and now they're all gone.
Isn't that weird?
Just finding out something randomly.
Yeah.
That was like a staple of human of American culture was stripes.
Like everybody knew that the flavor didn't last.
Everybody knew that the sticks of the gum were hard as hell.
Everyone knew that damn zebra.
They say it was red, but I could have sort of just black and white.
I thought he was black and white too for the longest.
Maybe the main.
Maybe one is.
Maybe.
Yeah.
All right.
So moving on.
There's no more gum then.
No more fruit stripes for anybody.
Not that anyone remembered.
I bet you now that it's gone, now people are like, oh, but it's my favorite.
No, it wasn't your favorite.
Don't you lie.
I feel like if you...
Even in the article they even say it's like, well, the flavor didn't last very long.
It's like a staple of that gum basically.
It turns to rubber.
It's the best gum ever.
Let's see.
Next one up.
This one's pretty dark.
This was written by Jonel Alessio, also from AP.
This was written yesterday.
Quaker Oats expands recall of granola bars in Ceres for salmonella risk.
So there you go.
Don't eat Quaker's granola.
The Quaker Oats company has added two dozen additional types of granola bars.
They have that much granola bars?
I thought it was like two, like chocolate, peanut butter, dirt.
Then you got s'mores, then you got...
Oh God.
There's a whole list of them.
Cereal and snack bars.
Let me start over.
The Quaker Oats company has added two dozen additional types of granola bars, cereals
and snack foods to a December recall over potential salmonella contamination.
Okay, so that includes the oat mills and everything then on the two dozen.
Yeah, that depends.
Probably, I guess there is a bunch of like strawberry and banana and stuff like that.
Yeah, you get all the oat mills.
You get the oatmeal bar.
Just when I was going to start eating oat and Quaker Oats for a healthy breakfast, who
figured I'm doing the whole thing about like now I just get out of my hand now while I
oh come on.
Going back, I guarantee you there's going to be a shit ton of people that want that
zebra gum now.
Yeah, probably.
The company which is owned by PepsiCo, which I didn't know, they don't Pepsi own fucking
Quaker Oats.
They're Pepsi own Lay's too.
And now they own Lay's?
Sick motherfuckers.
That's funny because if you work in Oklahoma City at the Lay's bagging place or the distribution
center, you can't even have a Coke product in there.
My last two weeks of work and I just break a Coke out at the break room.
Oh, they'd be so mad.
So the company which is owned by PepsiCo announced the additional recall in the US and Canada
on Thursday.
The expanded recall includes Quaker, chewy granola bars and cereals, Captain Crunch bars.
Captain Crunch and select cereals, Gammisa, Marvys cereal, Gatorade, peanut butter, chocolate,
protein bars, Munchies, Munch Mix and snack boxes that contain those products.
Well, fuck.
You think this will be a bigger news report, people dying from salmonella from eating Quaker
Oats.
The US Food and Drug Administration has received at least 24 reports of adverse events related
to the products initially recalled, but no illnesses have been confirmed to be linked
to the foods and agencies posted on Friday.
They're doing it preliminary then just in case.
Yeah, that's smart.
I prevented it like a preemptive thing.
Adversive events can include medical problems, but also complaints about off taste or color
of the product.
This looks weird.
I'm still eating.
The defective packaging of non-medical issues, the officials say.
FDA will continue to investigate the reports.
And it's only what 24 used?
What?
It's only 24 people.
24 people?
24 reports.
But think about that out of a hundred and something million, sorry, 300 and something
million people that live in the United States.
And Canada.
Plus you add Canada's population.
Well, they're so small, but vast area, but small population.
But you have that many in only 24 cases?
That's pretty lucky.
That's not much.
Salmonella infection can cause fever, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, and stomach pain.
In rare cases, the bacterial effects can be fatal.
Fuck.
So can go into Taco Bell.
The consumers should check their pantries for any of the products listed and throw them
away.
What about a refund?
The company's recall website has additional information, details of reimbursement.
Oh, there you go.
The Associated Press Health and Science Department receives support from the Howard Hughes Medical
Institute Science and Educational Medical Media Group.
The AP is slowly responsible for all content.
Okay.
How do they have to do that?
Is that a legal thing?
All right.
Let's see what else we got here.
Here's one.
No, I don't like that one.
Here's one.
This is from Peru.
Happened yesterday.
The title is No Author.
They're not aliens.
That's diverted from Peru officials who seize two doll-like figures.
So this is the lime of Peru.
Aliens they are not.
That's what forensic experts in Peru said Friday about two doll-like figures and an
alleged three-fingered hand that customs authorities in the South American country seized last
year from a shipment heading to Mexico.
The forensic experts from Peru, the prosecutor's office, said the officers made it with paper
glue, metal, and human and animal bones.
Fuck.
They tried to pass off aliens.
The findings quash some people's belief that figures come from an alien center or from
another planet, all of which is totally false.
So forensic archaeologist Flavio Estrada, that's a great name, who led the analysis.
The conclusion is simple.
They are dolls assembled with bones of animals from this planet with modern synthetic glues.
Therefore, they are not assembled during pre-Hispanic times, Estrada told reporters.
They are not extraterrestrials, they are not aliens.
There you go.
The prosecutor's office has not yet determined who owns the objects.
Officials on Friday would only say that a Mexican citizen was an intended recipient of
the objects before they were seized by customs agents in October.
So some guy tried to pass off with alien craze some fake dolls.
Why didn't he just make them at his fucking house?
Why do you have them shipped from Peru to Mexico?
That's stupid.
Mexican journalist Jose Jaime Masuna.
Hey man, some of these names are off.
And so Mexican Alhambra became the subject of international ridicule in September when
he went before the country's Congress to present two boxes of his supposed mummies found in
Peru.
Must be those two.
Maybe.
Or associated with it anyway.
He along with others came to the conclusion that they were non-human beings that are not
part of our terrestrial evolution.
In November, Masuna reported a return to Mexico's Congress a group of Peruvian doctors that
spent more than three hours pressing the case for non-human beings that he said were found
in Peru, where he made similar claims in 2017 and reported by the Peruvian Prosecutor's
Office that he had found that alleged alien bodies were actually recently manufactured
dolls which had been covered with a mixture of paper and synthetic glues.
They were the same fucking things.
He just did it again.
I'm not a detective, but man, if it's the same guy going to Mexico or from Peru to Mexico,
it's the same guy.
Yeah.
What's his name?
Where are you?
Yeah, this journalist, Jose Jaime Masuna.
That's you.
You did it again.
You tried to do it.
Why do you keep pulling him from Peru into another country?
There must be some like historical alien myth in Peru.
So for him to prove it, he has to find the things in Peru.
Isn't that where the, it's in Peru where the, what's the name of that place?
The ancient city.
Hooters?
Where the old ladies work now.
No, God, that's going to bother me.
All right, I'll keep reading.
They are not the remains of ancestral aliens that have tried to present.
The 2017 report stated, experts on Friday showed reports a couple of two foot tall,
long dolls dressed in red, orange and green clothes.
They said examination showed the bones of birds, dogs and other animals were used to
create the dolls.
What do you need bones, I guess to make it look like an actual entity?
Machu Picchu.
Sounds like a condom.
Meanwhile, an alleged three finger hand was subjected to x-ray examination.
The strategist said the very poorly built hand was created with human bones.
See, now you should go to jail, honestly, at this rate.
Weird.
We have a guy that's trying to pass off bones in 2017.
He did it again a few months ago, because I remember like last year, around October
maybe, there was a whole uproar on Twitter about aliens.
And now he tried to do it again.
What is the end goal here with him?
I don't know, some people want to feel special that they have discovered something, so they
want to be the Christopher Columbus, I guess.
Go deep sea diving.
You'll find some shit that hasn't ever been seen.
You'll find a fucking, god damn gigantic octopus that'll drag you to the depths of hell.
You'll also find a submarine.
Yeah, well, pieces of it anyway.
You'll find the Titanic too.
Alright, so that's the three news stories for today.
We stay with news, but we move on to historical articles.
I got this book here called Common, Curious, and Quirky by Rona Levin out in 2014.
Again, the subtitle is News Stories from Centuries Past.
Basically, she put together a series of stories from the years 1729 to 1930.
And the reason she wrote it is because how fascinating she was with how much society
changes, but how little human beings change in general.
So it's kind of a glimpse into the past of how much we've developed socially, but we
haven't really, human nature is always the same.
So I figured I'm going to pull out 18 stories, but two between every episode.
So I don't want to read every single one in here.
I don't want to do it to Levin, but if you like the stories, the little articles I read
for you, give the book a try.
So we start with article number one for us.
This is all the way back to 1813 from the Cambridge Chronicle and Journal, the 1st of
January.
The headline was Farmers Exploits Bring the House Down.
And by the way, this is Old English, so we'll interpret afterward.
On Saturday, the previous Saturday, Mr. Woodier, a farmer from the parish of Leviton in Devon,
having purchased 20 pounds, 9 kilograms, weight of gunpowder and bashburton, took it into
a bag, took it, can't even read this, took it in a bag to the shop of Mr. Chalk, blacksmith,
and while waiting for his horse, untied the mouth of the bag.
So basically he was waiting for his horse to get, I guess his hooves, iron, whatever.
And so he untied the mouth of the bag to put it in a stump for the purpose of balancing
the weight.
Unfortunately, a spark of fire from the ammo communicated to the powder, which instantly
blew up the house and another adjoining.
So basically he had a bag of gunpowder.
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
He went into the blacksmith's shop.
He was reshoeing his horses.
Yeah, reshoeing his horse.
He opened it up to throw a stone in there to balance the weight out.
And the guy was smashing away at an anvil.
And one of the spikes fell into the bag and it blew up two houses.
So Chalk, his apprentice, and three children were buried in the ruins but were dug out
without sustaining material injury.
Crazy, huh?
Yeah.
Wooded your head and arm broken.
The crash was tremendous and the shock was felt throughout the town.
So the whole town just blew up.
Why is it hurting?
Explosion.
Blow up two houses.
That's a lot of gunpowder.
Twenty pounds just for two houses.
Kind of like wild.
Twenty pounds of gunpowder is a lot of gunpowder.
Is it?
Think about it.
The people that are using muskets and stuff like that, like reenactment things, where
they have the pouch of gunpowder, that's a small pouch.
There's not much in there.
Like twenty pounds of it?
Think about how much twenty pounds of cat litter is.
It's a lot of cat litter.
I'm just saying like in the scope of it blowing up two houses, that's a lot.
My guess is that it also became a dust.
Like whenever...
Man.
I guess it must have been other stuff in the blacksmith shop.
It just blew up as well.
Oh yeah.
The horse must have been like, they didn't even explain the horse.
What happened to the horse?
It died.
Maybe.
Alright, this next story happened in 1830.
From written in the New Amtter Mercury, 11 September.
Fatal recipe for dinner date, which didn't pan out.
Not the best title for something as grievous as what happened here.
Right.
And this is bad by the way.
On Thursday last, Mrs. Shaw, wife of Thomas Shaw, Mercer and Draper boiled a leg of mutton
for the dinner of her family in a saucepan which had some days previous been used to
boil arsenic for the purpose of destroying vermin.
Oh fuck.
When the dinner was prepared, Mrs. Shaw sent part of the broth to a young man who was unwell
and partook of some herself.
The Reverend John Hughes, a Wesley minister who called in was invited to dinner.
He and Mrs. Shaw sat down and were in the act of eating the broth, but Mrs. Shaw was
taken suddenly ill and as the use previously made of the saucepan in which she prepared
the broth returned to her mind, she decided to eat no more.
So she realized, hey, I used this for...
She didn't even wash the pan.
I don't understand.
She made arsenic to kill rats, I'm guessing.
The next day she's like, let's make some delicious chicken broth.
And then it gets even worse.
A messenger was immediately dispatched for medical assistance.
The unfortunate woman lingered in gray paint until Saturday evening when she expired.
So she ended up dying.
The young man to whom part of it had been sent discovered his poisonous quality and
threw it away from his stuff.
So he threw himself up.
As did also the Reverend John Hughes.
They are out of danger, but Mr. Shaw continues to be very ill.
So they threw it up knowing it was arsenic, but the husband didn't, Mr. Shaw, neither
did the wife.
I don't know why.
I would have thrown like eight fingers in my mouth.
They may have not had the ability to really taste it.
She got ill immediately, is what the article says.
And then she told him not to eat anymore.
So the Reverend threw up.
The guy that she sent it to threw up.
The husband just kept eating it.
But he got sick, so he might not make it.
Maybe we don't know actually.
They're making it sound like it's a recent story.
Yeah.
He may have not made it either.
Maybe.
Does that not show you back in the 18, what was it, 1830?
They weren't using more running water then.
Let's be fair here.
People aren't as bright as it is today.
It's true.
People would do the same shit.
They would, yeah.
They'll mess with rat poison and then they'll rub their eyeballs or something.
Oh, good job.
Go blind.
Yeah.
All right.
So now that is it for the news today.
The start of our cozy nights.
We move on to, of course, the cozy kitchen where I like to go over a little history that
I found in a book.
I enjoy trivia, history, trivia, trivia in general.
And I've got here Uncle John's four ply bathroom meter.
One of the best.
It's still going on to this day.
They're still making new volumes.
I think they came out in 88, a volume every year.
Yeah.
I have like a spin off volumes and I have like 20 of them.
Yeah, I know.
And I figure if I find something interesting, I'll add it to the story.
So this one being food, I decided to add a page 33 of this book.
So I should tell you what the book is.
Uncle Plies Four ply bathroom meter by the Bathroom Reader's Institute.
So this is not my original property.
I will always say everything.
I'm not a plagiarist.
I don't yell out some random line from a movie, but everyone knows the line.
So this one's called The Food is Born.
These foods are common so that you've probably never seen or never even wondered where they
came from.
Here are the answers anyway.
So we find out where some of this food came from.
Bagels.
So bagels, according to the Bagels Bagel Book.
Bagels Bagel Book?
Yeah, they got it from the Bagels Bagel Book.
In 1683 in Vienna, Austria, a local Jewish baker wanted to thank the king of Poland for
protecting his countrymen from Turkish invaders.
He made a special hard roll in the shape of a riding stirrup, the Begel in Austrian, commemorating
the king's favorite pastime and giving the bagel its distinct shape.
So apparently the bagel is shaped like a stirrup for horses.
I didn't know that.
That's why I would have to explain why they're so weirdly curved and with the middle.
Yeah.
Cool.
Next up we got mayonnaise.
Originally brought to France by Duke, I can't even say his name, Ricilio, who tasted it
while visiting Mahon, a city on the island of Minaroka.
These are how you should probably pronounce these before.
It was eventually dubbed Mayonnaise with an H. By French chefs and considered a delicacy
in Europe.
In America, it became known as mayonnaise, but for over a century was still regarded
as suitable for only the most elegant meals.
Can you imagine mayonnaise considered an elegant, delectable meal, you know?
Well think of what it takes to make it.
You have to have good oil and vinegar.
Finally in 1912, Richard Hellman, a German immigrant began packing it and selling it
in a New York deli.
And now you can get that shit for $3?
The transformed mayonnaise from a carefully prepared treat for the select few to a mass
merchandise condiment.
Here you go, mayonnaise everybody.
And now it's almost on everything.
I love mayonnaise.
I love it with the hint of lemon.
But that's like Spanish.
That's like a Mexican thing that I can only get in a Mexican supermarket.
I tried to find a Walmart, they don't have it.
And we got, oh fuck, the page fucked off.
Fuck.
Let me go back.
The page fucked up.
Sorry.
You guys can hear me?
We got Gatorade.
Gatorade, the famous Gatorade.
I do know where this is from though.
According to 60s by Jordan and Jordan Javan, I guess they get it from other books as well,
their own data.
In 1965, Dr. Robert Cade was studying the effects of heat exhaustion on football players
at the University of Florida, whose team name is the Gators.
He analyzed the body liquid lost in sweating and within three minutes came up with a formula
for Gatorade.
Three minutes seems like nothing to come up with a formula, but okay.
Two years later, Cade sold the formula to Stokely Van Camp.
One annual sells well over 50 million and Gatorade can be found in the training tables of over
300 college sports teams, a thousand high school squads and all but two pro football
teams.
That's why it's called Gatorade.
Gatorade, yeah.
I remember the commercials they had for a long time too.
We called it Gatorade.
All right, next up is 7UP, a famous soda.
I know this one too.
According to Parade Magazine, in October 1929, just before the Stock Market crash, St. Louis
businessman Charles Lee Grib began marketing a beverage called Bib Label Lithium, no, Lithiated
Lemon Lime Soda.
His slogan, take the ouch out of grouch.
The drink was a huge success during the Depression, perhaps because it contained lithium.
I was like, when I heard that, I was like, oh, so it's cocaine like fucking Coca-Cola.
A powerful drug known for prescribed for manic depressives.
The drink's unwieldy name was later changed to 7UP.
The 7UP stood for its seven ounce bottle, the F for its bottoms up or for the bubbles
rising from its heavy carbonation, which was later reduced.
I want to try the original carbonation level.
That must have been strong as fuck.
Apparently it was like really, really, damn.
The lithium was listed on the label until the midnight in the mid forties.
They used to just do whatever back in the day.
You could eat arsenic out of a broth.
You could drink, they just gave you morphine for no reason.
They put it in your toothpaste and stuff.
God, they used to be free of this back in the day.
No one, no one regulations on it.
No wonder life expectancy was so short.
Jesus.
You're drinking lithium in your soda and coke in your Coca-Cola.
God.
Next up is chewing gum.
So this one's American Indians chewed resin from a freshly cut spruce bark and colonial
settlers occasionally chewed a limp paraffin, but it wasn't until the late 1860s that chewing
gum became a commercial success.
A Staten Island inventor named Thomas Adams noticed that his visiting neighbor from Mexico,
the deposed dictator Santa Anna, seemed to enjoy chewing lumps of gum from the sapodilla
plant now known as chicle.
Adams said chicle was better than paraffin and went to market with Adams New York gum,
stabbing and stretching.
Later he tried adding flavor and found that licorice tasted best.
Still later he invented a gum making machine that made a mass production possible.
So a deposed dictator from Mexico was just chewing gum like substance and some random
guy was like, how did you become friends with a disposed dictator?
That'd be like if freaking Saddam Hussein had lived next door to me.
You know what I mean?
Does that not sound weird?
It does.
Oh Santa Anna.
Oh fuck.
That was so weird to me.
He's over there chewing the chicle.
This one, this one's wild by the way, popsicles.
Because of the age of the person, how long they kept it in their memory until they implemented
in mass production.
So 11 year old Frank Epperson accidentally left a mixture of powdered soda mix and water
on his back porch one night, one winter night in 1905.
The next morning, Frank found the frozen, the stuff frozen with the stirring stick standing
straight up in a jar.
He pulled it up and had the first Epperson icicle or Epsicle.
He later renamed it popsicle since he had made it with soda pop.
It was painted in 1923, 18 years later.
So he invented the popsicle and he just kept it to himself for 18 fucking years.
Probably shared it with his friends and stuff, right?
He's lucky no one stole the idea and he patented it in 1823.
Weird huh?
Yeah.
It makes me surprised how people, there might be people with great ideas out there, they
just use it for personal use that we'll never know about.
Last one is the ice cream cone.
This one came out of necessity as opposed to like invention.
It happened at the 1904 World's Fair in St. Louis where the hot dog and the hamburger
were also popularized.
An ice cream vendor who was selling cups of frozen dessert had so many customers in the
hot weather that he ran out of cups.
In desperation, he looked around to see if another nearby vendor would have some spare
containers, but all he could find was waffle concession.
He quickly bought some waffles and began selling them wrapped around a scoop of ice cream.
The such became even more popular than the original and spread around the world, the
country.
So out of necessity because he needed, he ran out of cups, he invented the fucking ice
cream cone.
I love invention.
I love history because it's a random way people find inventions.
Usually it is that way too because it's things that you don't expect to happen, like just
some random shit happens.
And there you are.
The world has changed forever.
For better or worse.
Sometimes both.
Alright, so move on.
Like think about it, the inventor of TNT.
He's like, well fuck.
It was a great invention, but it was also one of the worst things he said that he ever
invented.
I don't blame him.
I mean, it made him a fucking weapon.
He had to have known people would be like, well, you know what I could do with this?
The first time someone fucking sharpened a stick, the first time someone sharpened a
stick they're like, you know what I could do with this?
I could start stabbing people with this.
Alright, so we end Cozy Nights with a recipe.
From Women's World.
Don't ask me why I read Women's World.
That's my own business.
This one is from the January 1st, yeah, 2024 copy of Women's World.
I'll actually explain after this why I read Women's World.
Pig in a blanket.
These mini francs are rolled up with a dab of apricot preserves for a hint of irresistible
sweetness.
You are looking at a serving of six, active time 30 minutes, total time 45, calories 327,
protein 8 grams, fat 22 grams, 8 grams saturated, cholesterol 55 milligrams, carbs 19 grams,
sodium 842 milligrams, that's a lot, fiber 1 gram, sugar 3 grams.
You basically need half of an 11 ounce package of pie crisp mists, 1 1 third cups, 2 tablespoons
of apricot preserves melted, 24 cocktail francs, 1 egg beaten, beaten to absolute death, half
a cup of spicy brown mustard.
So heat oven to 375 Fahrenheit, lined baking sheet with parchment paper, prepared pie crust
mix according to package directions for one crust, on lightly floured surface roll out
dough from 12 inch to 9 inch rectangle spread, god that's a lot of complicated shit.
Pie preserves are rolled to edges, cut dough into 24, 3 inch to 1 half, how are you supposed
to know this stuff out of your eyeball?
To 1 half inch stripes, place one franc on each stripe, roll up overlapping dough and
slightly then press slightly to seal.
Place seam sides down on baking sheet, brush with egg, that's what the egg is for, ok.
Bake until lightly browned about 15 minutes, place mustard in small bowls, serve with francs
for dipping, yay.
I guess you do ketchup too, you don't have to be, you don't have to be.
Yes but that's a huge debate between people with the ketchup and mustard thing.
Do both, that's what I do.
That's also an easy variation, make them sweet and smokey pigs in a blanket in a skillet
cook 6 strips of bacon over medium heat, flipping once until browned, 6 to 8 minutes, cut each
into 4, wrap francs with bacon, continue with recipe.
That sounds delicious.
Yes but what's also really good is that you get chicken breast, you wrap that in bacon,
then you coat it in brown sugar and chili powder.
Nice.
There you go, two recipes for you guys.
And that's an easy one.
Not for me, I am horrendous.
I could ruin bacon toast.
It just comes out either it's still the same or completely blank.
I could ruin a cup of water.
That makes any sense to you people?
So the reason I read Women's World magazine, why I have it delivered to my house, is because
a while back I was at Walmart and they had these little digests for these things called
two minute mysteries.
It was little two page mysteries, like 40 mysteries in total and they were little solve
it yourself mysteries which I love to do.
I love anything that involves me solving instead of just reading a mystery.
I love mystery games because I get to solve it.
Yeah I feel so smart.
And they had these two minute mysteries and in the back it said where the mysteries came
from was Women's World.
Lo and behold there was a Women's World copies all over the Walmart too.
So I started getting Women's World and then I realized it was cheaper to get Women's World
delivered to your house as opposed to getting it at Walmart.
Plus they give it to you like two weeks in advance so I'm like on the 15th of January.
That one's over there and Walmart is still on the January 8th.
And so I read, so now I basically on page, there's no pages on here, 47.
Every time, I love reading cozy mysteries is what I call them.
And it's a genre where like it says intellectually taxing is a regular mystery without the gore
or the profanity or the crazy sex scenes.
So if you love mysteries like I do, I say check out Women's World.
The stories are amazing.
Not always though.
So the story for January 1st, 2024 on Cozy Mysteries is called New York Splash written
by Janice Coran.
And some of them aren't even murders, they're just random.
Whatever is something that happens that you have to solve.
This one being like a New Year's Eve party at a company called So It All where this woman
Trish and her companions were all trying to vie for like the win of an award.
And the lights go out during the award, before during some weird like glow in the dark limbo
competition, sounds like fun actually.
And someone gets knocked over and all their drinks fall on their shirts and have to figure
out who knocked the drinks on the, it basically is really, the way she wrote it is like, it's
really confusing as I'm reading it.
But there's like three, it's really obvious.
Sometimes you have red herring, sometimes you don't, this one did not.
And I solved it in a minute.
But give it a try.
I don't know what else to say.
I love Cozy Mysteries and I'll be reading all of these from this book, these books for
a while.
So that is it for Cozy Kitchen.
Cozy Kitchen was over a while ago actually.
This was Cozy Mysteries.
So that's it for Cozy Mysteries.
That's it for the news.
That's it for Cozy Kitchen, the news, Cozy Mysteries, which is the new segment I'm doing.
And we go to the main segment, which is history.
I'll do a quick little story.
Also from the 4Ply bathroom meter from the Bathroom Institute.
This one is a doozy by the way, if I can find it.
Here it is.
The title is a movie of doom.
Getting a job in a movie can be hazardous to your health and unexpected ways.
Hope I'm not cutting out all the way.
I am cutting out a lot because I'm turning away from the mic.
So if you guys can't hear me, half the time I'll fix it on the next show.
I'm always improving.
Anyway, the victims are more than 90 of the 220 working on the film The Conqueror, including
director Dick Powell, stars John Wayne, Agnes Moorhead, and Susan Hayward, and dozens of
secondary players and crew members.
The circumstances.
I can't get a good Cozy Reading spot.
On May 19th, by the way, if you've ever seen The Conqueror, it's where John Wayne dresses
up as Genghis Khan.
You heard of that movie?
You ever seen John Wayne?
Imagine him in Mongol face, apparently.
But as bad as they didn't care.
He didn't even want to do the movie, apparently.
Really?
Yeah.
Makes me wonder if it was a curse or not.
It was basically about Genghis Khan.
So on May 19th, 1953, the US government tested a powerful A-bomb at Yucca Flats, Nevada,
in St. George, Utah, 100 miles to the west.
People were fascinated by the event.
As McLean's magazine described it, some of the people went up the hillside outside town
to watch the blast.
Imagine being outside and watching a nuclear explosion.
Man.
Is that going to happen now, not unless there's one in a war?
Yeah, because they watched the blast because no one told them not to.
A few hours later, great ash began to sift over the black hill west of the city.
It drifted across the lawns, clogged the laundry on the lines, burned the skin of people in
the streets.
The town citizens were instructed to wash off their ash off their body and their automobiles.
They were urged not to worry.
Don't you worry.
It's just radiation.
It'll be alright.
A year later, the cast included the film The Conqueror, a schlock version of the life of
Genghis Khan.
John Wayne was Genghis.
If you ever look up what he looks like, it is fucking hilarious to me.
They arrived in St. George to film on location in a nearby desert.
They and the full-time residents of St. George were unaware that the radiation levels were
extraordinarily high in the area and that in fact the entire perimeter may have been
contaminated by fallout.
The result?
John Wayne and almost 100 others, about 45% of the people associated with the filming
died of cancer over the next 30 years.
St. George also had an unusually high incidence of cancer.
So basically, they went to do a film and they ended up in an irradiated area and like 45%
of the crew…
That's a lot.
It goes on to say that maybe it was something else that happened, but it's too coincidental.
Of all the people that went in the film crew…
Well, it's directly correlated.
You had the blast, you had the film crew.
Yeah, and then you have like how many like over the 30 years, then 45% of them died of
cancer.
That's a high statistic.
I can't, sorry.
That's a really high statistic for, you know, in such a concentrated group.
Yeah, that's…
It's almost easily.
It's like that episode of Blue Banister when they all were getting like…
What was it?
When they get chlamydia?
Yeah.
Because they were all fucking the same sex doll, the six toy.
Yeah.
Like, you know, that's the bottom line was the sex toy.
The bottom line here was that they were all filming in an irradiated zone.
With fallout.
And look what happened.
John Wayne died of lung cancer or something.
Or he got some type of cancer.
What's a lung cancer?
I think so.
So yeah.
There was a lot of people that assumed that it was because he smoked.
Must have been smoking that just again.
Over there rolling those unfiltered cigarettes.
No kidding.
Oh man.
You ever tasted those?
I used to have a friend that used to smoke those, right?
And like he used to smoke cigarettes all the time.
And I got used to the regular filtered ones.
You just get accustomed to someone smoking next to you.
And then one day he couldn't find them.
So he just got some unfiltered ones.
You can just taste…
He takes it in there.
…the fucking thickness of it.
Alright, so that is it for Cozy Nights.
We'll try to do a better tightening up of the show.
I'm trying to do a 30 minute show for you guys every week.
But I need a timer or something.
You know what I mean?
And I need something so I know how far I'm going, which way.
So that was the…
I'm still tweaking Cozy Nights, but it's going to be here to stay.
Next week will be more news, more cooking kitchen, more cozy mysteries, and a little
interesting historical event.
Cool.
And if any of this copyrighted stuff that I used, if you guys want us to keep using
it, please call us.
So Bathroom Reader, if you don't mind us using your content, please let us know.
Women's World, let me write one of the mysteries for you.
It's like this is all just deployed into that way you can write a woman.
Women's World mysteries, yeah.
The CNGator.
I mean, I love this stuff.
If they give us the free go ahead, I would appreciate it.
I don't want to feel like I'm stealing their content, so I'm not going to do everything
in the book or anything, everything in their magazine.
But I mean, this stuff is awesome to me.
I got a lot of books.
And I was going to use this one.
What?
I said it never hurts.
And there's Rona one for the comic Queers and Quirkies.
I love this book.
So please, don't copyright strike us.
I beg you.
See, now you're just inviting it in.
Not really.
I'm laying out the what's the word, the peace tree or the peace pipe.
Sit down with us.
Let's have a conversation.
About the olive branch with the peace pipe.
Oh, yeah, that's the word, olive branch.
You're trying to get them all drunk.
I'm just trying to give them, I don't know, their good graces, I guess.
Getting their good graces.
End up getting fucked.
If I do something for Nintendo, you can guarantee they'll sue the shit out of me.
Oh, you have to just go, did I hear a da-da-da?
Oh, yeah.
That's all it takes.
That's all it takes for Nintendo.
Did I hear a nut?
Just the first little note.
Yeah.
All right, guys.
So next week, we'll do some more Cozy Nights.
Cool.
What you got for Urban Dictionary today?
Ten more.
Ten more?
Always ten.
Where am I?
There they are.
Let's start with the first one.
Yard sale.
Verb.
He even said it's a verb.
The act of pushing the cum just delivered from a man out of your vagina after sex while
taking a dump at the same time.
Oh.
Oh, god.
I don't think they're going to like switching from this to that.
We want sponsorship or whatever.
Because, hey, man, you told me to look these up.
These are fucking horrendous.
I tried to find the worst one.
What else?
People love the worst one.
This one is called piabetes.
Immediate onset diabetes related from bulk pie consumption.
You get the betas from five.
You know, good old piabetes.
This one is pornosynthesis, the process of absorbing energy from porn.
They're getting stronger the more porn you watch, I guess.
This next one is a shout out to this company, which I don't use, but the fact that they
put it in here is hilarious to me.
Computer Chick Productions, a YouTuber content creator that does graphic design and video
editing.
You're welcome.
A shout out from the most popular podcast in the world.
Next one is AM stripper.
Here we go.
A low grade exotic dancer, usually not the most attractive dancer in the establishment
who performed for the hungover non tipping patrons during morning hours.
Oh yeah, I've seen that.
It's sad to be honest.
How many strippers do you go to?
It's not for, like, not for that reason.
Oh.
That I've had to go to those during the middle of the day.
That would be the most depressing.
Like you go in and it's like dark, the lights are on.
You know the lights are all on.
Oh, God.
Yeah, can you see the shit all over the floors and stuff?
Rose, because they're in their vacuum and stuff while there's a person up on page.
So depressing.
The next one is called the wedge.
A girl shaped like a chicken nugget that has no ends and literally a wedge.
I don't know.
That's kind of mean, but whatever.
I've never seen a wedge before.
Next one called the breakfast monkey.
Here we go.
A superhero cartoon Scandinavian monkey who wants to spread the goodness of breakfast
to the world.
It was drawn and co-created by my chemical romance singer, Gerard Way.
Really?
Yeah.
The cartoon was rejected and now only the sample episode exists.
You can watch it at thebreakfastmonkey.com.
See, that's not a bad one, though.
No, I just, it was just long.
It was like a lot of big words.
Like, oh, here we go.
Next one is called bitch.
A female dog.
Don't call her, don't call your girl this because dogs are loyal and they are not.
So he's real mad at his girlfriend, that's what I'm guessing.
We got two left.
This one's called pen slut.
This one's me, I guess.
Someone who has an obsession with fancy writing implements and typically uses a strange pen
every day or even every hour.
Every hour?
Yeah, I don't go that far.
I just like, I just love pens.
You can spot a pen slut easily for his or her desk contains at least a dozen pilot precisions,
PhD retractable signo gel sticks or swank souvenir pens.
If you ask the pencil to borrow one, he or she will probably fish around for a big ball
pen rather than let you waste your precious ink of his say his or her YNC gel extreme
0.7.
Man, I do love pens though.
I'm into needle points right now.
Last one is called Cody.
A white Mexican boy.
White Mexicans don't usually be packing, but Cody, he is packing.
He is very gay boy.
He is very shy, but very sexy.
He is naturally good at video games and will destroy you in any game, even if he has never
played it.
So I don't know.
I guess this guy named Cody just wrote it in here.
This sounds like a very, it sounds like they love him and hate him at the same time.
Maybe.
Maybe they hope he's gay so they can also be gay with them.
I don't know.
Yeah, because every Cody I've met, it's either they're gay or they're really big.
Cody.
Those are the two Cody's.
Two Cody's we knew.
I knew two Cody's.
Remember in high school?
Yeah.
One was an asshole.
One was also an asshole.
One that I've seen is almost on the verge of Down syndrome and the other one is, yeah.
I've met plenty of Cody's.
I've never met a Mexican guy named Cody though.
I haven't met Mexican though.
Wait, was?
Is that a white Mexican boy?
Yeah.
That's what made me fucking laugh.
But whatever, that's it for-
I mean Cody is a very, very white name so.
Huh.
I thought Brandon was the whitest name.
No John probably is.
John?
Jacob Jingle Otter Smith?
All right, that's it for Urban Dictionary.
Cool.
Let's move on.
All righty.
We are going to go into our anime breakdown for the week or recap I guess is what you'd
call it.
This is one that I don't know if you have actually seen.
You may have seen clips but I don't know if you've seen the actual anime.
Goblin Slayer.
Oh fuck.
Everybody knows Goblin Slayer.
I don't know if you've seen the actual-
I'm not watching that either.
Especially not with the first story when I hear it.
First episode.
Hearing to doozy.
Yeah.
Goblin Slayer it's been around for about a year I think.
A year or two years.
Something like that.
It's got 12 episodes.
13 if you count a recap episode.
A recap episode?
Yeah.
Here's what happened.
Done.
For the first 10 episodes.
So it's a 10.5.
Why bother?
I don't know why they did that.
I think it was because-
You think they would recap one piece?
They don't give a fuck.
She just keeps trucking on.
So we start off with episode one.
It's called The Fate of Particular Adventurers.
Alright so a young priestess joins a group of rookie adventurers who decide to raid a
cave infested with goblins.
Things quickly go awry when the inexperienced party is ambushed by goblins, resulting in
all of them except for the princess being killed, raped, and captured.
All three?
All of them?
They were either killed, raped, or captured.
They got all three of the business.
Jesus.
So the dude that had the little sword, he was killed.
The girls were taken advantage of.
Ugh.
The priestess is rescued by a sudden arrival of a goblinslayer, that's what they call him,
who swiftly kills the goblins attacking her.
She decides to follow him.
Doesn't he pull out an Atticus Skywalker?
And kill the kids too?
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
He's got no remorse for these goblins.
And the women?
And the children too?
He shoves a torch up their ass and it's like, Jesus Christ, he does not care.
Is hentai?
No.
There's plenty of hentai about it.
No this is not hentai.
She decides to follow him as he proceeds deeper into the cave, killing more goblins and teaching
her about their psychology and battle tactics.
Because that's what he does, he kills goblins.
With the priestess' help, Goblin Slayer is able to kill the remaining goblins, including
a goblin shaman and hobgoblin.
So two higher ranking ones.
They then discover several goblin infants, which Goblin Slayer mercilessly kills to prevent
them from becoming threats in the future.
Because I guess why can't you raise them to be better?
Yeah.
His thing is that if I let them go, because they look like they were huddled in fear,
basically these goblin kids, and he's like, if I let them go, they're going to come back
and attack everybody for what we did.
So we just kill them.
Geez.
It's like damn.
It's logic.
Yeah.
Despite the traumatic experience, the priestess decides to join Goblin Slayer as his adventuring
companion at this point.
Episode 2.
It's titled Goblin Slayer.
We're real innovative here.
I'm confused.
Is Goblin Slayer the main character?
Okay.
That's what they call him.
Goblin Slayer.
Goblin Slayer accompanies his childhood friend, Cowgirl.
Right on, Cowgirl.
Which is a girl that lives on a farm.
Boring.
To sell her uncle's farm produce in the city.
He later heads to the Adventurers Guild to find work, where he is treated by the rest
of the adventurers as an outcast due to his low quality armor and his habit of only accepting
Goblin related quests despite his status as a high ranked adventurer.
Are there more stuff to fight or just Goblins?
No, there's a bunch of other things to kill.
So why Goblins so fucking predominant in this?
That's his thing.
The only one.
He's like, you got Goblins to kill.
It's a very specific niche job he decided to stick to.
Yeah.
He sticks to it too.
Nevertheless, the Guild Girl, a member of the staff of the Guild, is glad for his dedication
towards Goblin extermination since most Adventurers don't take the Goblin quest due to their low
bounties and those that do are often inexperienced.
Hmm.
So since he's a high ranked adventurer willing to do it, they're actually happy that he does
do it.
Doesn't she pay him a little more, shouldn't they?
It reminds me of the first mission in the Fighters Guild in Merowind.
Yeah.
Where they send you to some house to fight some rats.
Yeah.
And they'll beat the brakes off of you.
Just to have some fun?
Yeah, just anything in that game, I swear.
That's why you have to have the cheat code.
Goblin Slayer reveals that when he was a young boy, his village was attacked by Goblins who
killed nearly all of the villagers, including the Cowgirl's parents.
They are.
So that's one reason why he hates- Is that her name?
They didn't mention her name in this part.
Oh, okay.
So like, you just see her.
They don't actually say her name at this point, so they just call her the Cowgirl.
Cowgirl.
Two separate words, though.
Not together.
They said cow and girl.
Is it hyphenated?
No.
Spider-Man wouldn't like that.
No, he wouldn't.
There, he witnessed the gang Grape, because I'm not going to repeat that word over and
over.
And subsequent murder of his elder sister by Goblins.
So that's one reason why he don't like Goblins too much.
This led him to train himself and learn how to kill Goblins, but also resulted in him
becoming socially awkward and obsessed with killing them, which Cowgirl's uncle warns
will be why Goblin Slayer will never be normal.
He's like, yeah, he's always going to be weird.
Insane.
Yeah.
Cowgirl intends to support her friend despite her uncle's warnings, as she wishes to apologize
to him for not bringing him with her to the city on the day before the Goblins attacked
their village, because she had left the village to do stuff.
Later, Goblin Slayer and the priestess attack a fortress occupied by Goblins, burning it
down and preventing the Goblins from escaping.
Elsewhere, a High Elf and her companions are looking for an adventure named Orcbolg.
Orcbolg?
Orcbolg.
Is it an Orc?
Or is it a Goblin?
That's who they're looking for is Orcbolg.
So we go into episode three.
It's called Unexpected Visitors.
Is it Goblins?
I bet you it's Goblins.
So, the High Elf Archer, a dwarf shaman.
So this is basically a legit, like, regular fantasy series.
No crazy Japanese spinoff thing they do.
No.
It's just like this guy just wanted to just decide that...
He is the Goblin Slayer.
But in a world that's pretty Americanized fantasy, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's not nothing super crazy.
Nobody is reincarnated into this world.
Nothing weird, yeah.
It's straightforward, but his specialty is fucking killing Goblins.
And stand Goblins.
So you have this High Elf Archer, a dwarf shaman, and a lizard priest ask the Guild Girl for an adventurer called Orcbolg.
And Beardcutter.
Actually referring to Goblin Slayer in their races native tongue.
Races native tongue?
Yeah.
Oh, their races.
Their races.
Is that what you said? Races native tongue.
Their races native tongues.
So Orcbolg is, I believe, the archer?
Something like that.
But each one of them, like one of them calls him Beardcutter, which I think is the dwarf.
And then Orcbolg is what the lizard priest and the High Elf Archer no Goblin Slayer has.
That's what his name is in their language.
Oh, okay.
So he's got nicknames basically.
While Goblin Slayer talks to the trio, the priestess gets defended by a witch, an acquaintance of Goblin Slayer,
when some rookie adventurers try to convince the priestess to leave Goblin Slayer and join them,
assuming he is only using the priestess as bait.
That's what the other adventurers think anyway.
Wow.
The High Elf Archer explains to Goblin Slayer that their races have united with the human kingdoms to fight against the resurrected Demon Lord's army
and want to hire him for the related quest.
I don't thank you. Only Goblin Slayer.
He obviously refuses him first, much to the High Elf Archer's anger,
as demons are not his concern until the dwarf shaman and lizard priest mentions runes in the elven lands occupied by goblins.
Goblins, you say?
Goblins, huh?
Yes.
That's all you have to hear.
Since the elves cannot mobilize their army due to political concerns,
the priestess also joins their quest after calling out Goblin Slayer for not asking if she wanted to join.
As the group make camp and enjoy their races—not racist, but races—foods,
a drunken High Elf Archer berates Goblin Slayer for his rude behavior while the others talk about where goblins come from.
The next day, the High Elf kills the goblin sentries at the runes and the group enters.
The runes?
The runes.
Episode 4 is called The Strong.
So Goblin Slayer's group enters the runes, where he notices there are no totems, suggesting a shaman does not lead these goblins.
So he looks for these things as soon as he—
Like an expert goblin's hunting over here?
Yes.
After rescuing an elven prisoner tortured by these goblins, an angry High Elf Archer vows to avenge her fellow kin.
So they find this elf that the goblins have raped.
Hmm.
Yeah.
The group finds a hall where the goblins are resting.
Goblin Slayer's group uses sleeping and silent spells to kill the sleeping goblins without alerting the others.
So they're being stealthy, too.
Somebody just started stabbing him in the neck.
He does.
What are they talking about?
No, he just goes up to them and just shoves his sword into their chest.
Okay.
From the south.
Ah!
However, their silence alerts the goblin's leader, an ogre, one of the Demon Lord's generals.
Ogre, huh?
Mm-hmm.
The ogre attacks the—
He's like, no, thank you.
I don't fight ogres, and he'll kill me.
No, y'all got this.
The ogre attacks the group using his Strength and Fire magic and proves difficult to kill due to his large size and ability to heal quickly.
So it's literally like high fantasy from the Western—
I don't know.
Do ogres have a high healing factor?
Generally, yeah.
Hmm.
With his—
I didn't have it in God of War.
No.
With his allies at their limit, Goblin Slayer uses his trump card, a magic teleportation scroll given to him by the witch from the guild.
Which sends strong jets of water from the bottom of the ocean to damage the ogre before giving him the killing blow.
He's gonna rip his ass off.
I'd press your water—
Well, yeah, like off.
Ah!
Can't hope from that.
As elvish reinforcements arrive to take over the ruins, and Goblin Slayer's group heads back to the city.
Her experience with Goblin Slayer and his obsession makes the high elf want to take Goblin Slayer to a proper adventure at the end of this episode.
About goblins?
Like that one?
No.
Then I don't want to go.
Fuck it.
Fuck all that shit.
Episode 5 is called Adventures and Daily Life.
So after recovering from his wounds, Goblin Slayer helps the cowgirl cart supplies to the town.
There he meets the high elf, the dwarf, and the lizard priest and tells them he is open to the idea of exploring some of the ruins with them.
The priestess informs him that she has been promoted to the next adventurer rank and formally thanks Goblin Slayer for saving her life.
Yay.
From the very first episode, so she properly thanks him.
Oh, the chick from the first one?
Yeah, the priestess.
Okay.
He then encounters two young adventurers who's lost a sword in the sewers and advises them to use a club as an improvised weapon so that they can go and retrieve it.
Like, know what you do?
Do you grab this lake right here and go get a club?
The guild girl asks him to act as an observer on a promotion exam where she pushes a Ria scout for stealing loot from his party.
The Ria scout considers attacking the guild girl but is dissuaded by the Goblin Slayer's presence there.
So just him being there and him being such a high rank adventurer, people is like, ah, yeah, no.
Meanwhile, the two young adventurers recover the sword thanks to Goblin Slayer's advice.
Goblin Slayer then retrieves a special Goblin Slayer request from the sword maiden herself.
More Goblins, huh?
More Goblins.
That's the shit I live for.
It really is what he lives for.
Episode 6 is called Goblin Slayer and the Water Town.
So, ten years ago, a group of heroes including the sword maiden slew the original Demon Lord.
Currently, the new hero and her companions slay the resurrected Demon Lord in another part of the world and crush his army, though some generals remain on the loose.
Goblin Slayer and the rest of the party journey to the Water Town where they meet the sword maiden, now retired.
The sword maiden informs him that there are a string of violent murders in the town recently and they suspect the culprits to be Goblins in the town's sewer system.
He just smells the air.
Goblins here.
Yeah.
That is kind of what he does.
He literally can smell them.
Like...
Jeez, that man is upset.
Jesus Christ.
Since the army won't mobilize to fight Goblins and other adventurers have failed, she decided to reach out to him specifically.
Goblin Slayer agrees to the quest and leads the party into the sewers where they discover the Goblins have learned how to use boats to navigate the sewers.
They're evolving.
You're all fucking losing this shit.
They're evolving.
Yes, and this is what... this puzzles Goblin Slayer as Goblins have never been smart enough to use boats before.
That must be being led by somebody they can.
Yeah.
After seeking the Goblin boat, the party attracts the attention of a giant alligator which they take advantage of by tricking it into destroying the rest of the Goblin fleet.
That's a very regular world.
Like there's no minute it's getting this alligator to destroy these boats.
Exactly.
So weird.
As they return to the surface, Goblin Slayer is troubled that the Goblins knew how to use the boats, yet were unaware of the alligator.
So it's like how were they smart enough to know how to use boats but didn't know that that monster was down there?
Leading him to conclude that somebody had placed the Goblins in the sewers and that they didn't go there specifically themselves.
Right.
So episode seven is called Onward Unto Death.
After a brief rest in town, Goblin Slayer and his party venture back into the sewers to investigate the source of the Goblins.
Goblin Slayer brings along a canary to warn him of any poison gas as a precaution.
Like an actual canary.
They do that to the bides back in the day.
Yeah.
The party delves deeper into the sewers but is led into a trap and locked into a tomb.
The Goblins also begin pumping poison gas into that room where the canary warns the party of and successfully seal off the vents to prevent the gas from entering.
I would have a like a talking bird like, yo, yo, there's gassing, like a parrot.
Hey motherfucker, we're gonna die out here.
You know what's funny?
Like, not funny, but in the canary in the mines type thing, people assume like, you know, these poor canaries would die, but they actually had ventilation systems to revive them back up when they were, they got knocked out by gas.
Yeah.
So they had like little like air like, like pretty much like CPR machines for little canaries.
Yeah.
Because the miners got, you know, attached to the canaries.
Yeah.
So they didn't just throw them in there.
No, it's not like they had no heart.
They wanted to keep their pet.
Oh yeah.
And plus it'd be good luck if the, if the canary could make the noises as it was getting ready to faint.
Yeah.
It's good luck to keep the same one that warned you already once.
All right, moving on.
The goblins then resort to attacking the party directly, revealing a goblin champion is leading them.
The goblin champion critically wounds Goblin Slayer and attacks the priestess as the goblins overwhelm the rest of the party.
Motivated by the priestess's screams, Goblin Slayer regains consciousness and attacks the goblin champion from behind, tearing his right eye out in the process.
But he just shiv-a-sorb his ass or something.
He's prone to that.
The goblin, the goblin champion and his minions flee, giving the party the chance to recoup.
Aye.
The priestess's wounds are healed, but Goblin Slayer collapses from his own wounds.
Episode eight, whispers and prayers and chants.
So two ands, that just bothers me.
Should have been whispers, prayers and chants, but it's whispers and prayers and chants.
Goblin Slayer wakes up in the Temple of Law, having been healed with a resurrection miracle.
Because the heal that he could run back to life.
Yeah.
He healed him with a thing that resurrects you.
He was fucking dead.
So the sword maiden confides in Goblin Slayer.
She has been captured, raped and tortured by goblins ten years ago.
Damn.
Which is the source of her scars and partial blindness.
Despite being one of the heroes who slew the Demon King, she is still deathly afraid.
That she's already done with?
Well, the original demon.
The main, like the main, oh that was before?
Yeah, there's another one that just was killed by the new heroes.
I guess they don't really...
I like that, like they don't fixate on the world ending stories, but rather the...
It's all about goblins.
It's all about this man.
So even though she was able to kill the Demon King, she's still deathly afraid of goblins.
Because of what happened to her.
Quite the hero then.
Yeah.
The High Elf Archer, the Dwarf Shaman and the Lizard Priest decide to continue scouting the sewers
while Goblin Slayer and the Priestess spend the day in town recovering and repairing their gear.
The witch and the spearman from the guild arrive to deliver a mysterious package to Goblin Slayer.
Meanwhile, the cowgirl continues to wait for Goblin Slayer's return
despite her uncle's warnings he may not come back in one day.
The following day, the whole party heads back into the sewers and finds a room guarded by a powerful demon.
Goblin Slayer uses the package which contains fine flour and spreads it around the room to create a dust explosion.
We've had a dust explosion before.
In a blacksmith shop.
Yes, yes, only black powder.
I mean, that really does happen on Mythbusters, I believe.
They actually tested that myth about an explosion in like a baking company or something like that.
Where they got a fan, they put flour on top of it, let it spin and it will explode.
Ouch.
Which, yeah.
The explosion kills the demon and the party investigates a mysterious mirror that was guarding.
So we go into episode 9.
It's called There and Back Again.
The party discovers the mirror is actually a gate linking the sewers of Water Town with the Green Moon, allowing goblins to enter.
It's the Green Moon.
It's the moon literally above in the skies, but that's where goblins come from.
The moon?
Yeah.
And it's green.
How'd they end up on Earth?
Just a mirror? That'd be more than that.
No, no, it's more than just a mirror, but...
Well, I guess once they get here, they can just pipe-lay it down here.
So I don't have to...if the mirror gets broken, there's already goblins infested.
Yeah.
So it's like a hostile invasive species from another planet then.
Kinda, yeah.
Interesting.
As the lizard priest works to remove the mirror from the wall, the rest of the party repels the goblin counterattack led by the goblin champion.
Which is back again.
This was back.
Back again.
Once the mirror is loose, goblin slayer has the party take shelter under the mirror while the dwarf shaman collapses a roof once the mirror is loose.
The goblins are crushed, but the mirror protects the party, leaving them unscathed.
Yay.
The party encases the mirror in cement and sinks it into the river, as they can't guarantee other goblins won't try to learn how to use it.
Goblin slayer reports to the sword maiden, revealing he suspects she knew more than she led on to the original...
You lied to me.
Yeah.
The sword maiden admits the giant alligator is her familiar that guards the sewers, while the mirror was placed by a cult of demon worshippers who the hero already wiped out.
Even though the masterminds were taken out, sword maiden delayed doing anything about the goblins because she secretly wanted other people to understand the cruelty of goblins, what they're capable of.
So she allowed them to...
You'll learn.
You'll all see.
You'll all see what I see.
Goblin slayer merely replies he cannot save her from her trauma, but he will kill goblins if she asks him to.
Even in her dream.
You don't even have to ask him.
He'll just kill him anyway.
Pretty much, yeah.
Even in her dreams, which alleviates her worries.
On the way back to the town, goblin slayer tells the rest of the party he plans to make ice treats, and the party promises to help him.
Ice? What the fuck? On a random set? Who was that?
You.
It'll make some popsicles if you do it with me.
Episode 10 is called Dozing.
The heroes defeat the demon lord.
This is separate from goblin slayer, but the heroes, they defeat the demon lord and his army are confirmed.
She, uh, and she becomes the 10th person ever to achieve a platinum rank.
Festivities are held across the land at this point.
Yay!
Meanwhile, goblin slayer continues his daily, so he's still fucking up goblin.
And accompanies the cowgirl to town to get his armor repaired.
While there, he sees veteran adventurers training rookie adventurers, which he encounters the rest of his party, who invite him out to lunch.
With cowgirl and the girl from the guild also joining.
During the meal, the guild girl notes the guild has started a program to have retired adventurers train rookie adventurers, so retired adventurers they employed and rookie adventurers have a better chance of surviving.
Instead of just going out and trying to kill goblins because they all think it's so easy.
It's like, oh, killing a goblin is easy, and then they're the first ones that get graped.
Horrifically violated.
And you see, I'm not using the word, I'm using a fruit.
I'll grab you for decades and decades and decades.
Demonetization.
You ever seen that, the White Kids You Know skit show?
There was this, it's really like goofy, and this guy was dressed up as a grape.
Right.
And he kept telling, he was going to imprison his whole family in the basement, and he's going to grape them for decades and decades and decades.
They also use grape a lot.
It's a way to avoid the demonetization that comes along with that specific word.
So the next day, Goblin Slayer performs more tours around the farm and reads a letter from the sword maiden, thanking him for his help and telling him she no longer sees demons, or demons, goblins and her dreams.
Nice.
So just him going out and killing all these makes you feel better?
Yeah.
That night, Cowgirl shares a moment with Goblin Slayer and tells him that he should think about his future and not just mindlessly drone on and killing goblins every day.
Going to bed, she reflects on the fact that Goblin Slayer can't kill goblins forever and wonders what will happen when the time comes.
The next day Goblin Slayer does his daily patrol around the farm and discovers Goblin footprints now.
Oh, here we go.
It's all exciting.
He's been like, since his sister was killed by him and everything, it's one of those kind of like traumatized things for him.
He turned it into anger obviously toward goblins, but every day he would go around this farm, checking like certain spots kind of like a damn OCD, like constantly checking all these spots, because he knows goblins come up from this kind of an area so he'd make sure there's nothing there.
Like, he would do this all the way around the farm every single day.
This time he actually found Goblin footprints.
So be ready for it.
We have also episode 10.5 but it's just a recap, summarizing the events up to the through the first 10 episodes.
Episode 11, a gathering of adventurers is the title.
So Goblin Slayer concludes that the horde is over a hundred goblins will attack the farm soon.
Damn.
He warns the egg this girl on the farm, he cannot fight that many goblins in the open and urges her to run, but she refuses to abandon her home for a second time.
Goblin Slayer heads to town to ask the other adventurers for help.
They refuse at first, since there is no quest or reward posted for fighting the Goblin horde.
Goblin Slayer then offers everything he owns equipment assets knowledge and time as a reward for helping him fight.
So he's not too ashamed to actually ask for help.
Sensing how serious Goblin Slayer is at this situation, the spearman and the witch agree to fight with him as well as the two rookie adventurers Goblin Slayer helped.
The ones that went and got their sword back.
You think they help him get out of the goodness of their heart?
Yeah.
Assholes.
They're doing it kind of out of the goodness.
They see that he's willing to give up everything so they're willing to do it.
And Goblin Slayer's party also joins.
So the lizard man, the archer.
Yeah, well, stinking language.
You want to join just out of friendship?
Yeah, they will too.
Without question for the rewards of food and drink afterward for joining him on the...
The Luffy stable.
Yes.
The guild girl then announces that she's posted a bounty of one gold for each dead Goblin.
Shit, I'd be raking it in.
Yeah, which convinces the rest of the adventurers to join.
Goblin Slayer warns the horde's adventurers after being led by a Goblin Lord.
A highly intelligent Goblin specialized in leadership.
He devises an effective strategy for the adventurers to fight the horde.
The Jabin didn't make it from the rubble?
No.
That would be cool.
I guess he was back.
Back for a third time.
Like his nemesis?
And the first few waves of Goblins are easily defeated.
The Goblin Lord then sends several Hobgoblins and Goblin Champions as adventurers...
Uh oh.
...at the adventurers and attempts to flee but is intercepted by Goblin Slayer.
Episode 12 is called The Fate of an Adventurer.
While the veteran adventurers slay the Hobgoblins and the Goblin Champions,
because they're actually powerful enough to kill them too,
since they're out in the open.
So like the magicians and stuff like that, they can actually use full force magic.
Whereas Goblin Slayer, he's a high ranking adventurer,
but he's specialized only in killing Goblins in their caves.
That's his thing. He uses super short swords.
He doesn't worry about open air fighting.
Fighting for the most part.
So he also like, he knows that he'll carry torches,
he'll carry like gunpowder like materials and stuff.
Just like a whole bunch of random shit.
Where he'll specialize in?
Like he will fuck up these Goblins in their...
Yeah, in their environment but not...
Out in the open it's like...
Changed to the bottom.
However, when Goblin Slayer is about to be killed,
the Priestess casts two protection spells to trap the Goblin Lord.
The Goblin Lord...
Please protect my bow.
The Goblin Lord attempts to trick the Priestess by begging for mercy,
but this fails, and the Goblin Slayer kills him.
It's revealed that this was all part of his plan,
acting as a bait so the Priestess could trap the Lord.
So what did he want with him?
He basically tricked the Priestess into helping him.
The Goblin Slayer?
I drew it out just so that way you could trap it.
Between two walls of a barrier,
to where you're like just smacking it to where it can't move.
Why even trick her at all?
Not like a true trick, but like he wanted her to use these spells,
but he put himself out as bait the entire time.
What did he just told her?
Like, here's the game plan.
But he also didn't want to say it in front of the Goblin Lord,
since the Goblin Lord has enough intelligence to know what he's doing.
Well, that goes in Spanish.
After all the Goblins are killed and the farm is secured,
the Adventurer is returned to the guild to celebrate,
where the Goblin Slayer confides in Cowgirl,
who has started to pick up an interest in becoming an Adventurer.
He removes his helm at the Priestess' request as her reward.
If he was just ass ugly,
the funniest shit if he's just fucking fuggliest.
She's like, oh, thank you.
He is a Goblin.
Yeah. She's like, oh, thanks.
And the other Adventurer is surprised to see his face for the first time.
Oh my God, look at that ugly motherfucker.
It's like, it's back when, you know, we had like the whole pandemic
and people had the masks on, right?
Yeah.
And then you wanted, you like somebody,
you need to take the mask off.
That's what I'm guessing for him.
There it is.
I was like, oh God, put that bitch back on.
But then think about that though.
Nobody has ever seen his face.
What about Cowgirl?
She has obviously, but nobody else,
like in the Adventurer's guild, nobody in this town.
That always like, it's always a letdown for people actually.
If you haven't seen them in an ever.
Yeah.
I remember one time I was streaming, you know, Dreamer or Dream.
He showed his face and everyone was like,
everyone fucking tore his ass all over.
I'm like, God, they let him have it.
Then he went back to not being in the face.
Or like whenever they wanted, everybody wanted the Mandalorian.
They wanted to see his face.
And we know what he looks like.
I'm fucking sure I'm dead gorgeous.
All right.
She says that the fact that the Mandalorian is a goblinslayer
is just another pawn on the board to the gods.
But the gods have taken an interest in him due to his refusal
to let the gods roll the dice on his actions,
meaning his fate is completely unknown to them.
She then remarks the goblinslayer is still out there fighting.
Yeah, he's still out there whooping ass.
Still killing goblins.
And there is a season two.
It is like, you would think like, oh,
he's killing goblins for such small money,
but he probably has a fucking fortune by now.
He should have just add up.
He gives it all to that girl on the farm.
He like to where he's paying his wife basically at this point.
With her dad there.
But they believe it?
No.
No, not at all.
But they took him in whenever after his situation.
Yeah.
So it's kind of like you understand,
like by the end of the season, you understand why he does what he does.
Like he's got that drive to kill specifically goblins.
But one of the big reasons is I feel like at the end of the
last episode, right?
It goes into a monologue where he's like running through like the darkness.
And it's like the it's it's basically the monologue from the dark night,
but it's implemented on.
He's not the hero if we want him.
He's the hero we deserve.
God, yes.
Wouldn't be so fucking funny to me.
But yeah, he like I said, he was doing it.
Like everybody assumes that goblins are just these weak creatures that
we can kill them anytime we want.
But then you see what they can do when they actually are left
with their own devices.
They're odd ones for sure.
It's basically a thing saying don't underestimate weak creatures for the
most part, even though like because everybody assumes,
oh, even a rookie adventurer can kill them.
They're just goblins.
But it's like they're devious little fuckers.
Yeah.
And they're not even native to the planet now, which is really weird.
Who knows what they do up on the green moon?
Yeah.
Weird.
I think they might talk about it in season two, but I haven't.
I've made it through like the first day in the series.
It might have ended with a war on the moon.
You know that he would love to live up there or just just killing
them left and right.
Just kill them the entire time.
That'd be perfect for him.
Yeah.
That's a goblins.
I recap for season one.
Cool.
All righty.
Ready for Reddit.
Yep.
All right.
These are going to be some more retail stories today.
See what's going on in the life of retail.
All righty.
This person is by or this post is by disappointed true.
This person puts what's the most brazen thing you've ever seen a
customer do for me.
It's the time a customer asked for a partial refund for the stupid
as reason.
He initially emailed and said I was in your store months ago and
Bob promised me a discount code.
Can I please have it?
Cool.
It's Bob.
There's never been a Bob.
Hey, he does like little fucking Bob and I wasn't in the mood to
honor a fake promise from a fake employee for a fake discount code.
So I just deleted the email a few days later.
I brought some stuff after that.
He sent me another email saying I went ahead and made the purchase.
You need to refund me 20% on the order since I didn't get the code.
You can bet your ass I deleted that email as well.
Can you beat that?
Hmm.
Who the hell thinks they can just make up a random by this person told
me the most generic person Bob.
What's the last thing the builder.
Yes, we can.
Next one is by the 08 5 chicken lady.
Complicated.
This person puts now I am become death destroyed her of worlds.
Lord of the minor irritations, ruiner of days.
All right.
Oppenheimer.
So let me tell you how I yes me single handedly ruined a grown man's
day yesterday.
Man comes to the channel and he told me he had a small day.
He just pissed him off first thing in the morning.
Man comes to the check now with two items.
His total is under five dollars.
He goes to go pay as starts off immediately putting the card in wrong.
It honks but man yeah I try to correct him nicely.
The card reader keeps screaming.
First he jams it into hard like hard enough to knock the reader back.
Then he immediately yanks it out and tries to swipe it which you can't do
are chipped cards you on chip cards.
You have to try the chip three times before swiping is an option.
Thank you.
Three times you get three times.
So he swipes it and it honks.
He shoves it into the reader too hard again like three more times.
Desperately I ask him if it must be amazing in the bedroom.
Yeah.
Just jams it out.
Desperately I ask him if he has tap to pay on his card.
Yes but it never fucking works.
Watch.
He begins to slap his card on the screen like a drumstick.
Yeah that don't work that way.
That's not how you tap to pay.
That's a problem.
It's pretty much like tap it whole not just tap it.
They will legit just be like smack that shit like a dozen times while I'm like screaming.
Then I ask him if I can try and he gets mad and starts swiping the screen with it
and telling me that it never works.
Just rub his other fucking nerve to break down.
Rack.
No shit.
He's pushing every single button on the screen while using his card as a paper towel on the screen.
And he starts to raise his voice while I finally just said sir we apologize but it looks like
the machine cannot accept your payment method today.
Why not?
Because you're dumb as fuck.
He sighs.
Like he sighs like I told him his dog didn't love him anymore.
Dog.
Pete.
Haha.
Haha fuck.
I knew it.
He puts away his credit card.
It was not a debit card.
Here comes the cash.
He pulls out a very large fold of cash.
Why don't we just do this from the beginning.
I'm talking hundreds tens twenties and he peels off a five dollar bill for his total
of four eighty.
Not how bad.
Why don't you do that from the beginning.
We've been dicking with this card for at least six or seven minutes and he has this five
dollar bill the whole time.
I thank him for getting the money out and he said he knows shit instead of putting it
into my outstretched hand throws it on the belt by the courtesy clerk.
So that I would have to reach down or stretch over and go pick it up.
He's he's he basically is acting like the guy who throws dollar bills of strippers instead
of placing them on the tip rail.
He's being rude.
I sigh for this guy's dog at home who probably does indeed not love his owner and get the
bill and finish his stupid transaction.
But I'm a professional.
I am still smiling.
Me.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice day.
I have a nice night now sir.
Yeah I regret him.
I don't see what's impossible after all this shit.
My name is ruined my whole week's ruined.
He then yells at my manager for nothing in the store works including the people and
huffs off into the night.
He runs out the night.
God was killed my parents.
Damn it.
So I ruined this man's entire night if not his life by not being able to make the credit
card reader read his incorrect insert is incorrectly inserted swiped and tapped card.
Next one is by low for 72 low for 72.
Tell me you've never worked in retail without telling me what habits of customers scream.
I have never worked in retail.
I'll start.
Hey it's four fifty five p.m.
I've been out and I'm doing nothing much all day.
This is the perfect time to go and wander endlessly around the shop.
I filled this basket with things that don't that I don't actually want.
I know I'll just drop them randomly around the shop.
Extra points for frozen chill items in the warm section.
Yeah I know.
Well then people there'd be an end cap where the frozen frozen section is and they'll put
it on the end cap instead of just turning around and putting it back where it went.
Why don't you sell parts for a 1972 dishwasher.
It would still 1972 dishwasher.
Why do you still have a 1972 dishwasher.
I would have thought you would because no one in the past 30 years has asked for it
because I have no suppliers to sell such things.
And finally because this is a craft shop not an appliance repair.
Yeah I can see that.
People feel weird.
Yeah they want to make sure they get every single item on their list regardless of what
it is in one place and they get upset if they can.
All right next one is by left star to 240.
This person puts our store closes for lunch because we almost always work alone.
Our lunch break is part of the posted hours and it's the same time every day.
It has been this way for almost four years.
I'm done working through my lunch lunch break and I'm done apologizing for it.
Today someone walked in as I'm closing the door.
I referred her to the posted hours and said that unfortunately I had to keep my schedule.
Get out bitch.
I'm sure I'll get a complaint and I'm going to get out.
I got to eat too big.
Next one is by secret golf six eight three six.
Secret golf.
Yeah person puts.
So it is Sunday.
I had four hours of sleep because I was working late on Saturday and it takes one and a half
one and a half hours or one one an hour.
One and it takes one hour.
I'm assuming one and a half hours maybe two hours.
It took me one and then another one took me to commute to work.
We open the store.
It takes you two fucking hours to get to work.
Where the fuck do you work.
We open the store and the first customer comes to my till.
I ask him whether he needs a bag for his shopping.
He replied angrily and I flirt.
He already angrily art from the get go.
It is because I am Arab.
You are asking for bag.
Do you think I will carry these in my hand.
I don't know.
Do you want to.
Who does that.
God I want to punch that one so hard.
He then started talking about the country and you people are always bad to foreigners
and blah blah blah.
The best part of this drum roll.
I am not from this country.
I don't even look like that.
So I really don't know what he is talking about.
Thankfully the rest of my customers were really good throughout the day.
God if you're getting mad because somebody asked you if you want a bag.
Of course I want a fucking bag.
We don't want to carry these in my asshole.
Some people like.
Some people don't want bags.
You'd be surprised how they are.
I am going to save a tree.
You are not saving shit.
The tree is already fucking dead.
Take the bag.
See for me I usually like if it is like two or three items.
It is like do you want a bag.
No I am good.
It is not worth it.
It is more trash for me.
I thought you would get a bag anyway.
Fuck you are going to be a douchebag.
Well if you are going to give me one regardless this is what it is.
You are going to get a bag no matter what you say.
Don't even ask.
Some people autopilot it and say they don't want a bag.
You still do.
And I see them like oh fine.
Next one is about God damn it.
This person puts.
I don't respect the idea of secret shoppers.
They come to my checkout, actively hide things from me and lie to me.
They are expecting me to have a full blown conversation with each of my 300 to 400 customers a day.
Then push the loyalty app which will be another full blown conversation.
Because Harold 75 doesn't know how to use smartphones even though he has willingly bought one for himself.
There is way too much information here.
With not enough context.
He is talking about this dude named Harold he hates.
No no I think it is because there is an old man at 75 that they are just throwing out a random man.
I hope so.
Look I am done.
I am done.
I am a podslut you fool I am.
Look I am doing my best with the time I have.
If everything is done exactly perfect every single time.
The tills are going to come to a grinding halt.
It is funny how secret shoppers never seem to be the ones that have to work in a retail proper.
Secret shoppers are at best trying to help things be more efficient and at worst professional snitches.
It feels more like the latter.
It feels more like they just do stuff to make your job even more difficult.
So I am fucking annoying.
Yeah yeah.
Next one is by Chef Wifey.
So it is a wifey that is a chef I guess.
Or maybe the guys wife is a chef I don't fucking know.
Or maybe it is the chefs wife.
That would be funny if they were trying to spell chief.
But they spelled chef.
Close enough.
You know how many people came and they don't know the difference between chef and chief.
People can barely spell it as it is.
It is true.
This person pips. I get it.
Trying to find a relationship and you never know unless you shoot your shot.
But god damn for reference I work at an arcade and I never thought I was pretty.
After being...
Damn. Out the gate.
I know I am not dead out of town but damn I am not a fucking goblin.
Or am I?
Hobgoblin?
After being out of high school...
Fuck you Spider-Man.
I would always love the level of pain and hatred that Norman Hartford has for Spider-Man.
Fuck you Spider-Man.
After being out of high school for like five years I have been hit on quite often.
And every time it ranges from being annoying to very creepy.
Also I am a lesbian and a happy relationship with my girlfriend for four years.
Congratulations.
I wear four promise rings to kind of help but still get hit on.
And I can't really be rude because I am on the clock.
But fuck man.
Just don't ask the employees out or ask for their number.
And if you do and I say no please don't make it awkward by lingering around.
By lingering around huh?
What you supposed to do?
Like I guess I better fucking leave.
Fuck. I just got a bed for my stumps.
That is hard to tell nowadays.
You like somebody and they turn out to be you know gay or something?
You're like well fuck.
That one I'll fuck.
You gotta move states.
Completely fucked up.
Next one is by Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
That one I like.
It's obviously abbreviations and stuff.
Very unique though.
At least I knew what it said.
I knew what this one was going for.
This person pits.
I was having diarrhea.
Like Taco Bell stable.
Cheesy Gordita.
I have IBS.
I put a sign on the door that said computer problems.
Because I thought it sounded better instead of putting a sign that said sorry.
I'm having explicit diarrhea in the bathroom.
And I was only in there for like ten minutes and of course some bitch Karen came by and she called corporate to complain.
And then I got wrote up.
How wonderful.
Damn I got wrote up for taking a dump.
I would have been having intestinal problems.
Having explosive shitting.
Or you're saying having personal issues.
And it doesn't have to be computer problems.
Yeah but Karen's don't care.
No Karen.
It's my health on the line.
So you're saying I would go straight to HR.
She's causing she made me have to shit my pants.
I would shit myself and then blame my purpose.
Yeah.
I had explosive diarrhea.
Look what you did Karen.
All right and last one is by self soothing it.
So you're checking off.
First in post.
I'm 19 and I just started working pickup in a grocery store.
My first week of training was five eight and a half hour shifts in a row.
Which I didn't mind because it allowed me to learn very quickly.
On my first five hour shift after finishing training I was asked if I could stay beyond the end of my shift.
For a little background I'm a massive pushover so I have never been good at saying no.
All my previous jobs have taken advantage of me because of this.
But I also thought this one would be different because my shifts had actual scheduled starts and end times.
So when my manager asked me if I could stay extra three hours I of course thought it was an optional thing.
A few of my co-workers had called out that day so they were getting really swamped.
I hope you can find somebody.
Good luck.
Bye.
See ya.
I was carrying a lot of workload even though it was only my sixth day.
So I looked forward to the end of my shift.
That was how I could keep from over exerting myself because I knew I'd be done within a couple of hours.
When the manager asked I told him I couldn't because I had plans with family.
Which was half true.
I felt good because the previous day I had also made sure to leave at the end of my shift and resist the temptation to stay and help out.
He then proceeds to tell me that the shifts I actually scheduled for online are more of a formality.
And that I am contractually obligated to stay beyond my shift if asked.
I was really surprised and confused because no one had informed me of this obligation and I didn't even know something like that was actually legal.
I ended up allowed to leave on time that day because I had plans.
But the idea that I could be asked to stay far beyond my shift without giving any choice really upset me.
Now I'm anxious because it feels like all the shifts I'm scheduled for aren't binding at all and I'll end up working until everything is done.
Just like my old jobs.
If I had known about the contractual obligation I would have never taken the job to begin with.
I won't go into retail.
Just quit then.
There's other retail jobs out there related to one another.
They're almost like that anyway.
Can you stay an extra 57 hours?
No.
Well you got to.
You're like aw fuck.
Okay bye.
See if I'm forced to then it's like oh well you're forced to find a new person again.
Have fun.
You know what forces me is I saw this meme once where there's a version of you saying you don't want to take those extra hours.
And then there's a scene of Chris Rock slapping some guy.
And it's basically on the top it says me and it says you're leaving right.
On the bottom it says Bills on Chris Rock and then it's me getting slapped by Bills.
Get in there god dang it.
Fucking hilarious.
Instead of keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth it's keep those thoughts of ever leaving out of your fucking head.
Something like that.
I got to fight it but it's fucking hilarious.
Basically you're yourself you're like damn those extra hours I need that money though.
I got to pay these fucking gas bills.
You know my cousin had a fucking $250 gas bill during the summer.
Gas bill?
Yeah I'm like what the fuck were you doing?
What the fuck were you doing?
Gas bill dude?
I was like what?
I couldn't believe it.
Like what the fuck you better check your fucking pipe seat for neighbors or that's actually part of your gas because in no fucking way.
Must be cooking nonstop.
How many hot showers were you taking shit?
I don't fucking know what he's up to.
Like god that's high.
Yeah.
And it's summer too.
That's what I was saying in the summer?
Like boy there's been boiling hot water while he takes a shower in 100 degree weather.
Electric bill?
I can see the double that's fine.
Like that doesn't surprise me one bit.
But gas?
That is weird.
The hell are you running off of gas in the summer?
Guess we'll never know.
I want to know now.
What the hell were you using that much gas in the summer for?
Nobody's out there.
And that's power your damn car either.
That's a good question.
Alaska would be like I don't know.
Because during the summer whenever I had gas.
My dad's nephews I guess so my cousin on my dad's side they had moved to America for the first time.
They got an apartment in his name to help him.
He wanted to help him out.
And he got a phone call saying like the water company was like yeah you guys got a pool?
He's like a pool?
Yeah $500 water bill.
Like $500?
That is a high water bill.
He was like what the fuck are y'all doing?
I guess they're in Mexico.
They didn't have good running water so they must have been just limited on just drinking that.
What the fuck?
That's a lot of water.
Most water bills are like 40 bucks.
They work generally and then they go up to like you know depending on the size of a house.
An average size house probably about like 100 bucks.
They must be running the shower nonstop all month.
Shit just in the backyard he's flooding.
Maybe I don't know that's a lot for even if it's like four or five of them.
I know businesses that don't have that high of a water bill.
Damn.
Yeah so he was a little bit upset about that.
So now you got to explain the gas bill and the water bill.
Well I can't my dad's dead so unless I can find a Ouija board I'll never know.
I mean I can understand electric bills those things.
Yeah those always fluctuate.
You can always jack up the price of an electric bill easily.
If you've ever been in a house with no AC for a day at 100 degrees outside you're like fuck.
You think like oh I got this fan on the ceiling I'm going to get my fuck.
That fan will just be like a fucking heat vortex.
You'll be waking up in a cold like warm sweat like huh huh.
That fan don't do shit without it without some AC backing it up.
That fan just like yeah I guarantee you won't do a damn thing.
Just squeaking in pain because it's been on for so long.
Yeah.
Yeah because last year our AC went out for like oh it was just a day though thankfully.
Just a day.
Yeah because the fucking fan was just running and it's like yeah what they doing a damn thing.
Just fucking sitting there just hot.
So I had to go to work where it was at least even hotter actually it worked.
But then you come back and it feels better.
Makes it seem like you actually got some AC by leaving out of the hot building.
Maybe.
That's a good one.
I got off work the AC was fixed so thank God for that.
Yeah being in anywhere like from Oklahoma South through the southern states there ain't no way in hell you can make it through the summer with no AC at all.
I don't know how they do it in Nevada and Phoenix but man.
Or to be fair unless you live in a retirement community where they already have their heater still on in the summer then that's the only way.
Because God bitch.
Just go like for my type of job you go to different places but God you go into nursing homes and retirement communities.
Fuck.
Like that shit is so hot.
That's what keeps us alive.
That's the hate.
It's the only thing keeping their joints and organs in place.
It's the only body warmth thing.
Yeah basically.
It's on a death's door basically.
That's why they moved to Miami and shit because it's like almost 96 degrees all year round which is your body like 98.6 where it's somewhere in there body temperature.
It's a substitution for our own lack of warmth.
I've been into these.
I aced into this one old lady.
She used to have her thermostat set to 87.
Fuck.
All year round.
Jesus.
87.
It's like you go in there and it's like.
Just fucking a little stung in here man.
It's like the temperature is just right.
You go into a nursing home that's got a bunch of heaters and stuff like that on.
It's like it's hot but it smells like piss.
Oh God.
Ain't gonna be fun when we get old is it.
I won't let myself get to that point.
Well we get old eventually.
I mean the oldest man alive 150.
Well there's other ways to record living.
There's ways to prevent that.
Go to Canada and you go into one of their their booths up there.
Their booths.
You know I can't say it on here because it'll get.
Anybody the booths the booths of the Futurama booths.
Yes.
No thanks.
That's gonna have to tag me kicking the screaming.
Let's fucking go.
But anything else that before we head out tonight.
No that's it for today.
We will talk to you guys on the next one.
Adios.