Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 35.
35 baby we may.
No 35.
Get to that 100.
We're Rick and Morty 100 years.
100 years.
Alright these are some Today I Fucked Ups.
First is by Wonder Embarrassed One.
As the person puts, Today I fucked up.
I was at a work event at dinner with a big group of coworkers.
We had a few beers and I was telling them a harmless story about a coworker from the
office Piper who accidentally threw away my badge.
No big deal.
Until I got some confused looks and then someone asked, who's Piper?
Do you mean Perry?
I was caught off guard and replied, oh yeah Piper is her first name.
They all informed me that her first name was Perry and that I must be confused.
And they told me Perry the porn star.
In an attempt to stop myself from looking too stupid I tried to justify my mistake and
said, oh I apologize I must have been thinking of the famous person Piper Perry.
Everyone knows Piper Perry.
She's the famous meme where it's the little white girl and then a whole row of black
men look at her and that's her.
Everyone knows Piper Perry.
Everyone accepted this and we moved on with the conversation and I decided to do this
and googled it to remind myself why that name was on my mind.
And of course there it was.
The reason I confused her name is that I probably watched Piper Perry porno recently.
Oh man.
I know I'm so much subconscious.
We finished dinner and I just got back home but I haven't ready to work in the morning.
Everyone's gonna be clicking Piper Perry when they get to home.
Faux shower.
That is hilarious.
It is.
Did you tell me how popular porn is?
It's like oh fuck I hate porn.
You know that famous super famous one.
Alright next one is by Will Anderson 419.
Looks like the most normal Will Anderson.
This person puts.
She told me straight up that she couldn't function without hitting her vape constantly.
She said she even slept with it so she could hit it first thing in the morning and right
before sleeping.
Girl we call that an addiction.
I thought she was joking.
I should have listened.
She proceeded to hit her vape mid hookup and it was the most unattractive thing I have
ever seen.
Insta boner killer.
So they're just going at it.
And she hits the vape.
And she's like shhh.
Yes.
You know what I saw recently on X was this like heavy set Hispanic guy right?
Right.
And someone is recording him as he's recording something else.
Like I guess like a behind the scenes type thing.
And he looks over at the camera.
He has this big grin on his face.
And he goes down and he grabs his doughnut.
Like one of those long ones.
What are they called?
Like a Claire's or a Bear Claw or whatever.
And he's like eat it right?
And he looks down and you realize that he's recording porno.
And he puts the girls laying on her back on the couch and the dude's like kind of like
kneeled.
He's on his knees and just kind of like just going at it.
Like pretty much like so he's like vertical and she's like horizontal.
Like a typical like I don't know what the position name is called.
But it's like partial missionary.
And the guy brings the doughnut up down to the porn star's face and he looks at him for
a second and he's like ahhh.
And I'm like what the fuck is going on?
That shit has popped up twice on my feed.
And it's so fucking funny.
Because then it stops on the woman's face and she's like in shock.
She's like what the fuck?
It's so goofy though.
Just like the innocence of the big guy getting the doughnut right.
And then you realize what he's doing.
He's recording you know.
He's being recorded.
He's recording porno.
It's fucking hilarious.
Here's the doughnut.
And then he feeds the porn star guy and the porn star guy at first he looks like he's
offended right.
But then he realizes like he understands the bit and then he's like oh he thinks I'm a
big ass bite of that doughnut.
It's all a girl.
You put her on.
And she's all fucking freaked out by it.
It's fucking hilarious.
So yes it's almost the second time.
Hey man you gotta make your job fun.
So this girl is hitting the vape though.
Right.
That's I don't know.
That'd be unattractive too.
I'm just saying it was hilarious isn't it.
But that would be funny yes.
The doughnut one is much funnier.
The vape thing would be like embarrassing.
You're hitting it so well you think.
And she's like.
And you just go limp like aw.
Add on the shitty music that was playing way too loudly.
The constant need to stop, readjust because her hips weren't flexible.
And just star fishing in general.
Safe to say it was the worst sexual experience I've ever had.
It's a bummer because she was kind and a very funny person outside of that.
But man switching positions or going on your stomach and then reaching to hit the vape
during sex is peak fiend behavior.
Or I'm bad at sex and she was just bored.
That's my life.
Here comes Razorhead yes.
That would be my assumption too.
I'm just horrible at it.
She's just hit the vape.
Next one is by Defiant Laugh 924.
Also just like humanity in general, the defiant laugh.
Rebelling against everything.
I'll leave out the age since they put it in parenthesis.
Is it bad?
No.
But since you hate it.
Just like there's no need.
If it's an adultish story I'm assuming you're an adult.
Yeah.
As far as it fits, I live in a dorm building that has communal bathrooms.
Well the college age is probably 18, 19, 20.
That everyone in the building uses.
FYI, I don't have a roommate.
Anyway.
I'd be blowing that fucking bathroom.
I would hate to do a communal bathroom.
I'd be blowing that toilet out.
They'd be like, oh what do I do?
I go to the bathroom.
You guys better scatter.
You're always an obnoxious fume.
Basically yeah.
When I shit, I shit.
Anyway a month or so ago, had to go to the bathroom but I didn't feel like walking into
the bathroom because there was not.
Not only was the bathroom kind of gross.
I didn't want to leave my room to walk to it.
Instead I found an empty bottle and peed in it.
Over the next few days I peed in more bottles and there was a collection of like four pee
bottles on my desk in my room.
The fuck bro.
At this point in your head you have a fucking problem.
When I ran out of bottles I poured them out in the trash and started over and kept this
pattern going.
What do you mean in the trash?
You don't put liquid in a fucking trash can?
Anyway a few weeks later I was studying with this girl in her lounge in her dorm building
and we were hitting it off pretty well.
I've never really had any romantic or sexual experience with women before because I'm usually
pretty awkward and not that attractive.
But I was getting a pretty strong vibe that she was into me so when we were done studying
I suggestively asked if we could go somewhere private and she was down.
So we walked up to her room.
She realized her roommate was asleep when we went in there so she asked to come over
to my place.
Especially since I didn't have a roommate.
I was about to say yes but then I remembered that there were bottles of pee sitting on
my desk and I realized I couldn't get rid of them with her there.
I would just be like we can but give me one.
I'm really embarrassed because my room is messy.
Give me one second to get it all nice and clean for you and then I have her sitting
outside my door you know what I mean?
What idiotic idea did he have?
So I made up some dumb excuse about me being tired and I said no but maybe later.
She was super bummed and asked for a few more times but I insisted that I was tired and
over the next few days I couldn't hang that much and now we don't talk much anymore.
Good job bro.
You nailed it.
Just so well.
You know I wish like we've been doing Reddit for like 35 episodes that one day we hear
a story right that reminds us of a former story and like it's hard to explain like you
know like the whole like interconnecting interconnectivity of like just in life.
Like we hear like a story about a couple here right that break up and all this and that
and then this other guy starts talking about that he saw something really he's talking
about the couple we heard about the last year I mean that would be awesome.
I'm sure it's gonna eventually happen.
As many stories as we've went over.
Like this couple's talking about how they almost ran over this one guy and this and
then this guy's like oh this couple almost ran me the fuck over one time.
That'd be fucking insane.
I could see up there.
It'd be awesome.
I could see it definitely happening though.
Next one is by a fairy bomb.
The best would be like if there's a cashier who has a bad customer right then the customer
says how you had a bad customer.
Yeah that would be fucking awesome.
He wanted to fucking fight me.
He's like I thought he just had a bad attitude.
I mean how hard is your job?
You know it was like the whole area.
I could definitely see up there.
I mean look how many we have done.
It's eventually gonna happen.
That'd be awesome.
All right so this person puts today I was putting on makeup whenever I realized that
my nose looked a little funny.
Upon closer inspection I saw that my septum was severely deviated.
I sprang into panic mode a little bit racking my brain for ways that I could have injured
myself but nothing came to mind.
I asked my fiance about it.
She said she hadn't noticed.
But now that you mention it damn it really is deviated.
True to my hypochondriac nature I fell down the WebMD rabbit hole.
Deviated what it just moved?
Slightly just moved a little bit.
It just crooked?
Like not fully crooked but like the ureceptum on the inside.
It's an opia.
Yeah.
Sometimes one of my nose it puffs up for some reason like a sore.
It could be like a heat pump or a pimple.
You ever have those?
Those are fucking painful.
They're annoying as fuck too.
Right into your nose.
Because I wear sunglasses all day so I know.
When you sweat in the summer?
Yeah.
Trying to figure out what could have caused this to randomly happen.
And what symptoms can come with having a deviated septum.
Breathing trouble, sleep apnea, bad headaches etc.
After fixating on this for a few hours and scaring myself with the possible symptoms
I felt I was destined to develop I was finally able to rub two of my brain cells together
long enough to call my mom.
I asked her if I always had one and that's how I found out that I indeed have always
had a severely deviated septum.
Severely?
Yeah.
You never noticed?
As does my mom.
And her mom before her.
29 years.
Never noticed it on myself or her.
I looked back at old photos of me and it was always there.
The matrix just fucking lined up for everything.
Oh my god.
Knowing that it's been like this the whole time eases the stress quite a bit.
I figured if I've been breathing okay this long I'll probably continue to do so for
the foreseeable future.
Mostly I'm just boggled that I had no idea and it never came up once in a conversation
because I tell you it's deviated as all hell.
One of those things I guess you can't unsee.
Yeah.
Like once you notice it.
Like when you notice something and you're like has that lamp always been there?
Yeah it's always been there right?
The one that your brain just like...
Hasn't been there?
Yeah you're like wait a minute.
It's just one of those things.
Especially if you've seen yourself your whole life on the mirror right?
You don't notice.
And then something just clicked in her head and it's like wait a minute what's wrong with
my nose?
Oh it's fucked up.
It's been fucked up forever apparently.
Next one is by Seripidis Zephyr.
Seripidis?
Yes.
First and first my boyfriend has mentioned he likes dirty talk and while I'm no pro I've
learned a thing or two from reading Smut.
I will hear you in concert piece of shit.
I want you to wash these dishes.
You never do anything around this house.
She goes into like all the stuff he never does.
Oh exactly.
Look it.
I have nothing to do with it.
I mean with actual erotica.
Yeah.
Let's see.
Whenever I started I was a bit rough at it but I think I've gotten better over time until
last night.
Back at square one.
She ended up at back at square one yes.
Well we were getting intimate.
I was whispering in his ear and saying some pretty intense stuff.
He seemed super into it.
I got too cocky.
They just started saying whatever came to my mind.
Which is a bad move as you know that that bitch can't be trusted.
I had just finished saying something some new additions to my dirty talk arsenal and
seeing as he enjoyed it decided to go off script and said you can fuck me and you can
fuck me in any hole.
Mouth ass pee.
Call me Jesus Christ because I'm holy.
It's a very.
He started laughing so hard they lost his erection.
You lose a wretch of laughter.
I kind of felt bad because I already got my oh but he did not.
However I started laughing too because it was just so ridiculous.
We had a nice laugh so I wouldn't want sleep.
I'll try again later and I'll limit myself to a list.
No deviating from the smut list no more.
I would highly recommend that.
Do not deviate from your pre pre scripted stuff pre scripted stuff.
Don't let your illusory will fair you good at ad libic.
Yes if you're not good at it and you know you can't do it.
You can't do improv don't try improv.
Do not try it.
That'd be the smart move.
Next one is by Web alarming four seven five nine.
This person puts I was sitting in my car and noticed a button with a cigarette.
I got curious if it actually worked.
I pushed on the button and noticed it wouldn't unpress.
I unscrewed it and touched the bottom of it to try to push it back up and I and it was
equivalent to touching a stove.
Shit I said fuck and throw away and throw it away as my reaction.
I immediately smelled burn skin.
It was awful.
The car is a 2018 BMW X5 so I thought that they had gotten away with it gotten rid of
real cigarette lighters a while ago.
My damn ass literally touched it in the last place you're supposed to.
I now have a really bad burn on my finger that is yellow.
This is the sun.
This is something that kids do and I'm 21.
Anyway if anyone has some tips on how to treat this type of burn please let me know.
Yeah the anti burn cream you get in the first aid.
Yeah if it's that bad go to the hospital.
That's one of those things like whenever you were a kid.
What degree are we talking about here?
Yellow skin what like first degree maybe?
Maybe.
Or is that the worst?
No the first degree is the worst.
Okay so like third degree.
I think.
What's degrees actually?
How many are there?
There's three.
Just three?
Yeah it's just three.
It's probably just third degree burn.
I've got third degree burn from fucking having a pizza land on my hand after out of the
microwave.
I mean that shit fucking burned because all the melted cheese landed all over my top of
my hand.
I was like oh god daddy.
Yeah because I know I can't remember if the degrees go forward or backwards like on intensity.
Right.
I can't remember if first degree is the worst or like the least.
The least.
Because I know that the worst it goes through all the way can go all the way to bone.
My guess is just a surface level burn.
The bandages still fucking hurt.
Well because you haven't burned off the nerves so of course they hurt.
The other degrees they burn through your nerves so you don't feel them.
Jesus.
Where they're painless.
That sounds even worse.
Next one is by Tyndwing.
This person puts, I'm an avid model builder and hobbyist and as such my young four year
old enjoys watching me build and paint models.
He has recently been a lot more interested in helping me out.
This morning I was building a model while lazily sitting on the couch with my son next
to me.
He pipes up and asks if he can help assemble a model by putting some glue on it.
No worries I thought.
I can help guide his hand to where he needs to go.
The glue I use is very thin and almost like water and it was sitting on top of the model
instructions on my leg.
Dumb idea.
The glue is applied with an applicator brush that is attached to the lid of the glue so
I handed it to my son and showed him where to apply it to the model.
Suddenly my son has shifted his whole body weight to get a better position and has knocked
the almost entirely full bottle of glue straight onto my crotch area.
Emptying it entirely in a fraction of a second.
It was a no I was annoyed but accidents happen.
I still beat the shit out of him.
I thought it would be no big deal as the glue evaporates very quickly.
Well, uncle's urn of magic just starts swinging up and I fucked up that one.
Well it also burns the fuck out of your skin very quickly when your undies are soaked in
stuff.
Ouch.
Almost immediately fell my nuts on fire.
I jumped up onto the couch and started trying to rip my jeans off and legged it into the
shower to rinse my now red balls.
Damn.
I'm currently nursing some painfully mild I think chemical burns on my balls while writing
this post.
Finger crossed it's not that bad.
So he doesn't even know how it's going to end yet.
Damn.
He didn't even know how beat up his son was.
He fucked that kid up.
You little bastard.
Last one is by Cookie Monstrosity 54.
Without cookies I'm just a monster.
A monstrosity.
This person fits.
So I want to preface this by saying I'm probably one of the most unserious people and that
this garnered and lost me a lot of friendships over the last few years.
Son of a cousin.
But I am a very good and loyal friend.
So when my oldest friend was having a mental breakdown over some family issues and Face
Timed me crying I immediately drove to her parents house where she was staying at the
time.
After an hour or two of having a good but heavy conversation about what was going on
in her life I excused myself to use the restroom.
I haven't been to her parents house in years so whenever I walked in everything was new
and remodeled and different including the bathroom.
I never really snooped around in people's bathrooms or anything but something caught
my eye as I was finishing up.
Hanging in the shower was a short dagger hanging from a rope around the head of the shower
head.
Naturally my dumbass brain goes to the reddit file compartmentalized deep in the psyche
and I immediately whisper to myself excitedly.
Poop knife.
Yeah I'll explain that after.
So I pull out my pants and wash my hands and run to the living room where my best friend
is and I ask her if that's a poop knife in her bathroom.
A poop what?
She asks naturally like a normal sane person.
So I explain the lore behind the poop knife.
This is the lore of the poop knife.
The lore is this person it's a different reddit post right.
And the other redditor that posted this is they put it that my family poops big.
Maybe it's genetic.
Maybe it's our diet.
That everyone births giant logs of crap.
If anyone has.
Wait.
This is to break up the shit in the toilet so it can flush.
Yeah.
So if anyone has.
This is fucking Christ.
That's a real thing.
I thought like every once in a while some shit's so big you just gotta find a way to break
it up.
You get like I don't know.
Plunger?
Yeah something.
Then you gotta clean the plunger.
But an actual knife to clean to break down your poop?
Well continuous.
If anyone has laid a mega poop you know that sometimes it won't flush.
It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl in the vortex so draining water merely
gives it a good spin as it.
Believe me yeah.
Growing up this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife.
It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on the nail in the laundry room only to be
used for that purpose.
It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call up.
Hey can you give me the poop knife?
I thought it was standard kit.
You have your plunger, your toilet brush and your poop knife.
Fast forward to 22.
It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at a friend's house.
My friend was the local dealer and always had guests over because you can't buy weed
without sitting your ass and sampling it for an hour.
I excused myself and laid a gigantic turd.
I looked down and see that it's sideways one.
So I cracked the door and call out to my friend.
He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
My what?
Your poop knife I say.
I need to use it please.
The fuck is a poop knife?
Obviously he has one.
But maybe he calls it a more delicate name.
A fecal cleaver, a dung divider, a guano wave.
I explained what I want and why I want it.
He starts giggling and then laughing.
Then lots of people start laughing.
It turns out the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas to the door.
It also turns out that none of them had poop knives.
It was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels.
Fuck my life.
They just fucking drop in tanks in the fucking toilet?
You might have those every once in a lifetime but every time.
Not every time though.
Fucking Jesus.
I told this to my wife last night who was amused and horrified at the same time.
It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and she had been using the
old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet for basic utility knives.
Like purposes.
Thankfully she didn't cook with it but used it to open Amazon boxes and stuff like that.
She will be getting her own utility knife now.
So now we go back to the former story.
You might want to buy her knife.
The poop what?
She asks naturally like a normal sane person.
So I explain her this poop story.
She just stares in the life at me and says that it's not a poop knife.
It's a kerpan.
Her dad usually wears one every day but the one in the shower is for whenever you take
your personal one off so you don't mess it up.
Because he's a Sikh.
One of those religious people.
And they have those swords around their collars.
Almost like a cross but it's a sword or dagger.
That's cool.
Let's do it.
I felt myself turn 30 shades of red and I apologize profusely for being a dumbass and
basically insulting her religion as a Sikh.
He must have been so excited that the poop knife is real.
That they found a poop knife.
There's too many people by the way in the world.
That one family would be the only one that had a poop knife by the way.
Oh I'm sure there's more.
I'm sure there's a whole group of families all over the world.
That also had some form of like there's a poop stick.
Put like outside the house you gotta go grab or some random shit like that.
Now there's one fucked up person.
There's a bunch.
She laughed really hard and said it was fine and I hugged her and told her I promised to
tone down my stupidity from now on.
Because she thought it was a poop knife.
I mean I guess like when you only hang her from the shower though.
Well you only have one frame of reference for something right?
And you see that something fits the requisite of your understanding.
You would just assume that what it is what it is.
She saw a knife in the bathroom.
The only time she's ever thought of a knife in a bathroom was because of a story about
a poop knife.
So she just, Occam's right.
Occam razored it.
The easiest answer was the solution.
But no it was a religious item not a poop knife.
The more you know.
That's why you should never jump to a conclusion.
No you should always study the evidence first.
And don't ever trust anything that you see on reddit.
Poop knife.
A poop knife.
You mind being at that dealer's house.
He's like a poop knife.
I got a big old shit bag here.
This thing must look fucking disgusting by the way.
Just caked from all kinds of fucking shit.
Is that even the same color anymore?
No it's dulled away.
Oh god.
You think they wash it and clean it or they just let it dry?
Well he said that it was a rusty one.
There you go.
He's cut the shit.
Cut the shit and put it back.
And then he's not in common for his family to call for it in the hole?
Yeah.
He got the poop knife.
How big of a massive shit are these people taking?
I've had one that uh.
From like.
They're like bam.
I've had one that was like.
Like three months worth of shit or something.
And it just blew out of me.
Cause I got sick once.
And I couldn't go to the bathroom for like two months straight.
And I got a blockage in my system so I had to use one of those fucking enemas to blow
it out.
And when I hit that bathroom that shit looked like a fucking anaconda.
Like it rolled all the way to the rim of the toilet.
There was so much shit.
I think I broke the entire neighborhoods sewage system.
I'm dead serious cause we had sewage problems from years after that.
We've asked neighbors.
Like they were like.
All of a sudden we have all these sewage systems.
I swear to god.
I think I blew out the fucking sewage system.
And they finally finally fixed it recently.
We had to replace the toilet by the way.
Cause I broke it.
I'm dead serious.
That's how bad.
That's how much shit there was.
Literally shit.
Like like.
I mean I've never seen so much shit from a human being in my life.
It's like the length of my leg in a roll.
It was like.
It was two months worth of shit.
And I was finally able to shit after all that medication and hospital visits.
I was like BAM.
And you know the craziest thing was.
You see it?
That was yeah.
Like it was like.
And it was like gone.
Like an entire fucking roll of shit came out in like 30 seconds.
Even no like 10 seconds.
Like you know I didn't even feel it come out.
Like I was like.
And that was it.
Like one quick grunt.
Like a baby dropping out of a vagina just gone.
Which reminds me of your.
I've seen that thing going around where it's.
What hurts worse pregnancy or getting hit in the balls.
Don't they say get hit in the balls.
Because you don't want to do it happen again.
Exactly.
Where you always hear a woman say I want another kid.
She's like I will never want to get hit in the balls again.
Exactly.
There's some freaks out there though.
You ever seen the movie Mope?
No.
I had no.
You should check it.
It is truly a dark glimpse at human nature.
Why you laugh diabolically?
No.
It is a general light hearted giggle.
Sure.
Like redoing a killer.
Anyway that's it for shit.
Cool.
No more personal stories.
By the way I'm sorry if you know what I'm talking.
If you're like the one that's at our house.
Yes I did blow out the fucking sewage system.
My bad.
Sorry.
Hey man a man's got to shit.
With that we will talk to you guys on the next one.
I blew that bitch out.