Hello and welcome to Reddit Insanity number 34.
34 baby!
Alright, we start off with NoPie420.
NoPie420, I don't know what the fuck that means.
This person puts, a couple of days ago I had a grumpy old man come through my line.
I ring up his item and he goes to go pay with his debit card.
He puts the card into the machine and the chip malfunctions.
The pen pad tells him to remove it.
Insert card, remove card, which one is it?
He asks me.
What does it say on your end?
I ask.
Insert.
Then you'll want to insert it.
Card error sounds, oh fuck.
Says to remove it.
Nah, it's not working, go ahead and take it out.
The old guy grumbles, something under his breath.
Does your card have a tap function?
I ask.
The old guy raises his voice at me.
I don't know.
He shows the card to me.
Here's the card since you're the genius here.
What is it Johnny Knox?
Old man, I take the card from him, irritated.
I look for the tap symbol, it has him.
And hold it to the corner of the pen pad.
It goes through successfully.
Ta da!
I explain.
I'm shoving the card back to him, he looks embarrassed.
Please learn to use your cards folks.
It really isn't that difficult.
And if you're going to choose to remain ignorant, don't take it out on somebody who's just doing
their job.
Ignorant.
Yeah, so ignorant, ignorant.
You're so ignorant.
I've never been able to say it the same ever since.
Ignorant.
Don't be so ignorant.
Moving on, we have Effective Phase 5012.
Cool, these names make no sense, but I'm sure you enjoy them.
Yeah, they really don't make a lot of sense, but sure.
This person books.
My store does not give the option to back stock the merchandise we carry.
I work for a discount store that is technically low volume, but we receive high volume quantities
per day.
Pause it.
This fourth quarter, we receive between two to three trucks per day now.
Jesus fucking Christ.
What are you, working a warehouse?
Please don't tell me a store.
I do not recall the last time we received this much in a week.
It's double of what we received last October-November.
The stock room is full of pallets and our carts, rails, totes, etc. are full of new
merchandise.
Every department is quickly running out of empty space.
We are consistently busy, but not enough to make a dent in our departments.
Are.
I am in different departments per shift.
The houseware area gives me the most anxiety.
I am nervous when stacking anything seeing how many shelves are beginning to bend.
Oh fuck, he's like legit just moving them up there.
The candle section alone is a liability lawsuit waiting to happen.
I think I piss off my leads and managers whenever I mention it to them.
They just laugh and tell me it's fine.
Customers complain about the mess.
People drop stuff or knock things off because they bumped into someone or something to get
around the chaos.
In return, we're told to make it pretty and shoppable.
This sounds like an impossibility.
You can't keep a store clean while also having an endless amount of customers every single
day.
It's like it's truly an impossible battle to win.
Yes it is.
I do my best to the options I have.
I guess that was like Batman trying to fight crime.
It's never ending, it never ends.
I'm getting slower.
My reflexes are dulling.
But crime never stops.
Neither will I.
My knees are blown out.
My feet are blown out from jumping off a building.
I should have thought of a better way to do that actually.
I guess that with all my previous retail jobs in big box stores, I'm still accustomed to
having larger space and everything having a designated spot.
When you ran out of room, it went to the back.
Now it all just feels wrong.
I wear a diaper now.
I can't stop.
I gotta shit and piss while I'm fighting crime.
I step in my car.
Alrighty I'm your fucked up Batman.
I sit here and I piss in my car.
What is a colossal bag?
Yeah.
Oh god.
The fucking Batman books are full of fucking wrappings of Twinkies.
Fucking energy drapes, a monster in a Twinkie keeps a man awake at night.
It's my Batman.
I'll never forget there's one comic with Batman, whatever they're chasing down.
Asriel.
Where I, what was it, Alfred gives him a bowl of, what is that?
By oatmeal.
Man, I love eating oatmeal.
Despacho.
Despacho?
That old pea soup?
Have you handed him to him?
I hate that shit.
Well he got Bruce, he's like, it's cold.
He's like, it's supposed to be cold sir.
It's despacho.
Like Batman just crashes in the crock of his head.
I want it, I want it.
I said why am I cold, sir?
Well they were in the winter area so he's like, it's fucking cold.
Next one is by Prince of Veneer.
This one I actually left the title of.
So this person puts, a customer followed me into the goddamn bathroom.
What the fuck?
She asked me her questions about products that I threw up, while I threw up, low blood
sugar and stress.
Fuck you lady.
Update.
So we are now staying late because a customer forced her way past the shut doors and used
a self checkout after we closed.
Fuck you too lady.
You can say salant?
Apparently.
Fuck.
I figured they would have closed them out.
Yeah, like I thought they shut down at a certain time.
Wait she all ripped through the fucking, god dang.
They apparently were locked.
They were just closed.
She's like, ahhh.
She will make her way in.
Next one is by Wreck.
WR.
Wreck it Ralph, I'm gonna wreck it.
This person puts, I work in a smoke shop.
We sell filters.
Do you think a girl has ever had a fantasy with Wreck it Ralph so she dressed up her
boyfriend and she's just laying there and he's like, I'm gonna wreck it.
I didn't ruin Wreck it Ralph for myself.
That's a given though.
I guarantee you that's happened.
You know, you know the human centipede in the movie?
Where they sew buttholes to their mouths?
Is there a porno?
What are you talking about?
No I will not.
I'm just really curious if there's a porno, a human centipede.
I'm sure there is.
Where like it's not only they don't even have to sew their mouths to right over, it's just
like a daisy chain.
Like an estimated mass of like 18 women.
Oh my god, oh that is a bad mental picture.
I ruined everything.
Yes you do.
With that, yes.
I ruined an episode of that's gonna be coming out at the end of this week for you.
So yeah.
So this person puts, I work in a smoke shop.
We sell filters.
I asked the customer what filter he wants.
He says the orange ones.
I asked him to specify which one exactly and he says the ones that are orange.
He's kidding.
He says anyone I hate that fucking question.
Does it matter?
I tell him that the prices are different.
Customer pays in leaps.
Guess what?
It takes less effort to give a normal fucking response to a normal fucking question than
to be a prick about it.
Do you understand how little brain capacity they actually have?
If they have very little I know.
Believe me I know.
They can't breathe and talk to us and blink at the same time without passing out.
No not at all.
Next one is by dead on arrival 0088.
Jesus.
This person puts, I am 16 but you will get mistaken for 18 to 20.
Customer in question was probably in his 40s.
He came into my lane.
I was waiting for him to get closer so I could greet him and he started rattling off his
phone number so I just entered it and started ringing his shit up without saying anything.
I usually don't have any reaction to this but in the end of my shift and I was so tired
so I was acting a little huffy and he could tell I was getting irritated.
He got up to the register, picked up his groceries I had bagged.
I put a bag of cookies and some vegetables because I didn't want to have to bag with
only one item.
Or have a bag with only one item.
He took it out and said like items with each other.
LMAO.
Guy started staring at me in the LMAO.
He said that out loud?
He said LMAO.
No this is what they put.
No this is after the quotation marks.
Guy started staring at me in the eye and said do you have an attitude with me?
Because that's what I'm sensing.
I said what happens if I do?
I didn't know you were saying.
He was taking it back and said huh?
He could say I repeated myself.
By now he's been wide eyed staring at me the entire time.
He told me I'll go talk to your manager about it.
I said go ahead.
I haven't said or done anything to you.
He got finished paying and started walking off towards service desks staring at me the
entire time in a way that was clearly challenging.
I haven't broken the eye contact either.
I don't care about this job.
Hell I'm still staring at him right now while I'm typing this.
If he decided he wanted to do something we could get it on.
You can't get it on?
You're going to start fucking?
You gotta be careful with your terminology there.
Yes yes.
Nothing came of it.
I just thought it was a crazy idea.
They fucked and nothing came.
Nobody came after it.
Like damn it.
I would have just rang up his shit and probably told him to have a good night if he didn't
start acting like I was his servant and I had to respect him.
What a fucking idiot.
You're not that guy pal.
You're not that guy.
No you're not.
You're not that easy.
That was the thing I was trying to do.
Yeah.
And then the little guy said like what if I do have a problem with you.
He's like oh fuck.
He's like oh no.
What do I do?
Next one is by UnfairFace6411.
This guy looks like a troll.
If he's an UnfairFace.
Look at the face.
God damn it.
Not face.
Face.
Oh UnfairFace?
Yeah.
UnfairFace?
Fuck.
What face are you going through?
Is it the Godface?
Probably.
First and put it's kind of rude to do I know.
But it's always frustrating to me when you look like you're leaving for the day.
Carrying lunch pail, coffee mug, jackets on, keys in hand, etc.
And a customer decides to stop me as I'm walking out.
It's almost always never a quick question either.
Most of the time people will think it was complicated.
Fuck you.
You could never ask you.
Yup.
Like I was in here three years ago and I saw these little delicate elves for Christmas.
Yup.
And I was at this other store on the south side but I didn't get them then.
Do you guys have them now?
These little elves.
I'm like what the fuck are you talking about?
It's almost never a quick question either.
Most of the time people will either ask where everything is, ask a million more questions
about something else, I'm pretty ass.
Complain about everything or try to catalyze chat with you for funsies.
Funsies.
I've gotten really fed up with having my time wasted and people liking common sense.
So we're just starting to just ignoring customers whenever I'm leaving for the day.
Can't do that.
Don't get me wrong.
I absolutely will help customers out with everything whenever I'm on the clock.
But once I'm done for the day I just want to get out of the, get the fuck out of the
store and go home.
Once I'm punched out, I'm done.
I don't blame the dude.
Don't blame the dude at all for that one.
Or a woman, whatever.
But don't blame him.
I'm the same way.
Because people always ask some of the dumb shit.
Next one is by bornbake3582.
It's a person puts.
At my work we allow dogs.
A group of high schoolers came in and they had a little dog with them.
I was watching them because they were messing around making a mess of things.
All of a sudden I see on the floor brown spots.
I take a closer look and the dog has shit on the floor.
Shit!
Nothing came up to me or my co-worker saying that the dog had pooped.
No, no sorry or anything.
I went up to them and I was like, um, your dog, uh, you got, uh, I was like, um, guys,
your dog pooped on the floor.
So you guys want a bag?
They all just stared at me and one of them said, oh, the girl who had the dog took it
outside but didn't clean out.
So I had to clean up dog shit.
Once I took a closer look, the dog had stepped in the shit and there were brown footprints
trailing from the small spot all the way through the front door.
Damn.
When they left, no one said sorry or anything.
All was just walking out laughing.
I don't get paid enough for this shit.
I mean, you cleaned up the vomit.
Yeah, but you know, maybe I struck them right.
Man, the next one is by Maggie Noah.
For what?
Maggie Noah.
Huh?
N-A-G-I and then N-A-O-E.
Wow.
Is this an attack on me?
Maggie Noah.
This first one is close.
Last night I was working at 2 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Around 9 p.m., the Star of Entitlement came in.
The Star of Entitlement?
Oh no.
He thought I was a male customer who comes in.
He hates me.
He has made fun of me being short and laughs if I need a stuff store.
I wonder if I wrote this.
No, because no one...if it was like verbal jousting, I am truly...if I'm on my game, I am unstoppable.
That's why I never got bullied in school because they know I would hit him back just as hard.
Oh, you know how it works.
I know.
I'd say something mean as shit.
That's usually what an evil motherfucker like to do.
So tonight he made it hard to see his ID.
Then he said...then I said I have to see it.
He threw it at me.
I decided I had had enough and said, we are done.
I am not doing this.
His response, fuck you, you fat ugly troll.
God dang, this is me.
He smashes his ID while three local customers who have come in for their cigarettes and such defended me.
Entitled customer came in with an attitude that I don't need to be insulted.
I know I'm short and also I was nothing but nice to him from the start.
I sincerely hope his daughter is short like myself so he knows his words can hurt her too.
He comes in after work and he is fine with having a rough day.
But why take it out on me?
Don't be such a bitch, bro.
Yeah?
Tell that motherfucker how it is.
Yeah.
Look at you entitled sack of shit.
He called you a fucking fat ugly troll?
I know.
I would have tore that motherfucker apart.
I'm like, let me just fight the fucking hell with this Shakespeare.
Fuck, I'm gonna tear Rose to pieces and he walks out.
Next one is by RainbowBean5678.
First and first, the amount of times I have gone shopping at Walmart or some other store while I was still in retail mode is just bonkers to me.
I'll be walking around with my shopping cart expecting random people to ask me for something or for help for something only to realize I'm fine and not at work.
And I'm like, I'm fucking panicking.
It's me.
I see a customer.
I've almost reached out and said, hey, can I help you find anything before I realized I'm at a completely different store on a day off?
And it's just so I don't even know.
Just because about being surrounded by bright as fuck lights and hearing the retail equipment beeping just flicks in my brain into retail mode like a trance and laughing my ass off.
Anyone else?
Edit. Just went to the store and wanted to figure out how much something was.
So I instinctively grabbed my phone to try to scan the barcode before realizing I'm yet again not at work.
Jesus, someone works longer than me.
Next one is by Middleoflittle.
Middle of little.
Yes.
He's written books.
Had a corker yesterday.
I'm assuming this is England since they're saying corker.
Is that a crazy person?
Every time we do a return, we sample the new receipt to the old one.
This lady had a whole book of receipts.
Jesus.
Seriously, about 50.
Jesus.
She's buying a pair of shoes, exchanging them for a new pair the week later and on and on it goes.
Spent 20 minutes with this crazy woman trying to find a pair of shoes.
I know she'll return next week.
Another woman has printed off a screenshot from her laptop of a 20% off code on top of our online site.
The sort you get on ASOS, which is a site for shoes and stuff like that.
That you add at the end of your checking out your basket online.
So it's an online code.
I spent half an hour trying to explain how this is an applicable in store and our prices are already reflective of the 20% off.
Another woman asks for a for two size five shoes.
I find her one pair doesn't have the other.
She asked for the other in a size four.
And whenever I present her with this, she says she doesn't need it.
Then she says she doesn't need a bag.
And whenever I give her her shoes, she goes, Where's my bag?
An older man comes in and demands things for free because he's a veteran who went to war.
I say thank you, but I can't do discounts.
Then he says he went to war for me.
So what can I do for him?
And I told him that I worked at a minimum wage job.
So we're equal.
I was joking, but the user is now he wasn't mad as hell.
He submitted a complaint.
What did you go ahead?
Another lady wants a pair of shoes that haven't been tried on from the back.
I tell her that all of our shoes are out on the shop floor.
She says she wants a new pair.
I tell her if I did manage to find a pair through the back, they will have been tried on as well.
Every shoe and shoe store has been tried on.
Putting it through the back just means putting it through the back.
She leaves furious.
Do you mean all the other shoes I've bought and tried on before?
Yeah, I can't believe that.
Tell me they can't have all tried on.
You know what I mean?
I forgot me a fresh pair somewhere.
A Jehovah's Witness.
So basically we're paying for you shoes.
What you're telling me?
Yes.
A Jehovah's Witness gives me her business card.
And after a day of dealing with inane inquiries and shoe mad pensioners,
I'm beginning to consider being converted just to find out some meaning in all of this nonsense.
This is a Jehovah's Witness.
Geez, that man was going through it.
And the last one for today is by Zyclor.
This person puts, it finally happened to me.
Someone peed in the fitting room.
It smelled so strong I almost erupted.
Geez, how strong can pee smell?
The only asparagus one is the only one I've ever been hit with.
Nothing stronger than that.
We spent maybe 30 minutes sopping it up and cleaning the floor.
It was on the walls.
We have another store location about 15 to 20 minutes away
and apparently someone peed in their shoe there.
My God, it's a fucking serial pisser.
Yes.
Oh my God.
When someone says, your job isn't that bad, it's just hanging up clothes,
I'll remind them of this incident.
Oh, can't forget the three separate occasions of finding used tampons on the fucking floor.
You nasty woman.
This is your way that she just falls out when you're changing clothes?
No, I don't.
I should not just fall out.
You are.
Bitch, it's a large hole.
But anything else before we head out today?
No, man, I'm all kind of devastated with all these retail stories.
I have war flashbacks.
All right, with that, we will see you guys on the next one.