1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:13,960 Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 33. 2 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:14,960 33. 3 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:15,960 Lucky 33. 4 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:20,080 I'm sure those are so stuff I'm drowning in mucs. 5 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,640 Alrighty then. 6 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:27,200 First one is by Ney Mia or Ney Miawa. 7 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:29,560 Dunno. 8 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:33,840 This person puts, my aunt has worked as a cashier in a supermarket for 30 years. 9 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,840 30 years girl? 10 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:36,840 30 years? 11 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,680 You've been to the wars. 12 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,680 And one of her stories particularly struck me, stuck on me. 13 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:43,680 Uh oh. 14 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,680 One day, she was scanning products for a woman at a register. 15 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,400 The alarm that reacts to customer service. 16 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,920 Where else would you register and scan? 17 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:53,920 Scanning items in the bathroom. 18 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,920 You never know. 19 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,120 It could be Walmart stories. 20 00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,800 And just scanning by yourself. 21 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,440 I don't know if there's some weird Walmart story there. 22 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:08,720 So the alarm that reacts to security tags going through went off. 23 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:13,760 The customer seemed surprised as she was still discharging her cart onto the conveyor belt. 24 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:18,600 But she stepped away from the alarm raising her hands to show that she had no items. 25 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:22,680 My aunt was very confused and looking at the alarm devices nothing seemed to be going through. 26 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,820 But the alarm was still going off. 27 00:01:24,820 --> 00:01:26,420 She got up to check more closely. 28 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,920 She finally solved the mystery. 29 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:32,240 The toddler was pushing a pressure cooker on the floor through the alarm system encouraged 30 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,240 discreetly by her mom. 31 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,640 So wait, she was having her kids steal? 32 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:37,640 Yes. 33 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,640 Wow. 34 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,640 Wow. 35 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,820 That is a wild story already. 36 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:46,960 The unashamed woman ended up paying for the pressure cooker to avoid the cops being called 37 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,080 and was never seen in the store again. 38 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:55,120 Was it a different woman or was it the one that was putting the stuff on top of the same 39 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,120 woman? 40 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,120 Yes. 41 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,080 That is something crazy. 42 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,880 A pressure cooker no less? 43 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:01,880 Yes. 44 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:02,880 How did she train her? 45 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:03,880 That is hard work. 46 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:04,880 Man, that is women. 47 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:05,880 People are wild. 48 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,880 With the stuff they plan out to steal. 49 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,640 Is a pressure cooker really worth it? 50 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:15,480 Some people come in with like strollers pretending to have a baby. 51 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,480 And there's no baby. 52 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,160 And they just start throwing shit in there. 53 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:19,160 Yup. 54 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,640 So I came in with this though. 55 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,840 I didn't steal it. 56 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:23,840 I'm sure you didn't. 57 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,840 Every bullshit lie you can come up with. 58 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,360 Next one is by Deep Lemon 323. 59 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:35,480 This person puts, I started work at a small retail store a few months ago. 60 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,000 I learned so much. 61 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:41,440 But one day I had to get a rude customer who wouldn't even listen to me as I knew what 62 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:42,440 to do. 63 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:49,240 A lady approached my manual checkout with a hanging plant basket that we sell at $24.99. 64 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,480 You can scan the barcode on the plant or use a 3 digit code on a piece of paper at our 65 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,920 checkouts for greenhouse items. 66 00:02:55,920 --> 00:03:00,480 I use the code as either one of them will come up with the same price. 67 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,680 It rung up at $24.99. 68 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,840 But here's the catch. 69 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,000 We have a tax for greenhouse stuff. 70 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,260 It added the tax of $1.50. 71 00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:11,640 So it had rung up at $26.49. 72 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,880 As we always do when it is time to checkout. 73 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,680 We said your total is the price. 74 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,760 I did that and the lady gave me an angry look. 75 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,280 Saying that isn't right. 76 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,480 It should be $24.99. 77 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,000 Don't taxes count though? 78 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,840 That's what she was saying. 79 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:31,800 I calmly explained to this lady that we had a tax for greenhouses and pointed her to the 80 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:36,760 second monitor mounted on our lamppost where there was a tax but the lady wasn't buying 81 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,760 it. 82 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:42,640 Now, with our rules and regulations we can't stand there and argue with the customer. 83 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,560 We have to leave it to the manager on shift. 84 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:48,680 I went to the customer service desk as the lady followed with the plant in hand. 85 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,000 Thinking I was grabbing the book or flyer we have for the greenhouse. 86 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,440 However, I already knew the prices by now. 87 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:58,120 My manager for the shift was sitting during doing the lottery. 88 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,920 To the lottery? 89 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,680 I called out as I walked over. 90 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,560 I explained that hanging baskets are $24.99. 91 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,920 He confirmed it. 92 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,960 The lady that followed behind him with the plants were $24.99. 93 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:10,960 It followed his. 94 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,000 God, how they write these things. 95 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,200 He needed, let's see here. 96 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:20,120 The lady followed behind said to him that the plants were $24.99 and were wrong on my 97 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,560 checkout. 98 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,040 He needed clarification and went to my checkout. 99 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,920 I explained to my manager that it was $24.99 plus tax. 100 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,800 And the manager said like, yeah, your total is $26.49. 101 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,640 I even asked him if I was right and he said yes. 102 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:40,200 The lady left with the plant all paid for and gave me a look that I was wrong and I 103 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,980 had scanned them. 104 00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:45,120 But you get those kind of people sometimes I guess. 105 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,160 But everything has a tax basically. 106 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,160 What she's so upset about. 107 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,880 I don't know if it's maybe another country that doesn't normally have taxes. 108 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:53,880 Maybe. 109 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,080 But like if people figure out about the tax. 110 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,600 I mean, that's the only thing I can think of anyway. 111 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,000 Next person is Strawberry VFX. 112 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,560 So like a sex position. 113 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,200 Well they wrote it S-T-R-W-B-R-R-Y. 114 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,600 So it's screw bird. 115 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,480 Oh, strawberry, strawberry VFX. 116 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,560 I can't talk too good and I can't write too well either. 117 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,740 They absolutely cannot. 118 00:05:20,740 --> 00:05:23,140 The title alone I actually had to include in this one. 119 00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:27,720 Obviously I don't but it's moments where I have my answer to how stupid can people possibly 120 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:28,720 be? 121 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,200 You'd be surprised at the depths. 122 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,200 Customer. 123 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:35,800 I knew how stupid people could be when someone explained that the reason they couldn't make 124 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:44,240 a bear proof trash can at the national parks was because if they did, basically the guy 125 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:52,900 said that there's a heavy overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest people. 126 00:05:52,900 --> 00:06:05,280 So if they made one that a bear couldn't get to, it would rule out some of the dumb people. 127 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:14,120 That today is the greatest example of human intelligence compared at how low they can 128 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,120 be ever. 129 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,440 Like every time someone says how stupid can people be? 130 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:22,920 I'll tell you, they can't make bear proof trash cans at the national parks because of 131 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:23,920 how dumb people are. 132 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,200 Yes, I could definitely see that. 133 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,200 I just see a bear. 134 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,200 You see two videos of a bear trying to get into a trash can and a can and then a human 135 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,200 that could get in. 136 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:36,640 Oh humanity, you're so fun to watch. 137 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,000 So here's some examples. 138 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,000 The customer. 139 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,640 Isn't this item two for three? 140 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:41,640 Me, yeah. 141 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,840 They rang up a dollar fifty each so customer. 142 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:49,480 Huffy and puffy but they're going to be like, whatever. 143 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,480 Shows the money in my face. 144 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,560 Me, do you have any ID on you? 145 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,560 Customer, no. 146 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,200 I only have my driver's license on me. 147 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,200 Said by me. 148 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,200 Exactly. 149 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:05,520 Customer, just as his birthday, ain't really like I'm convinced that it's him and doesn't 150 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,320 give me his ID. 151 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,880 My store has big carts and small carts. 152 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,000 I can't tell you how many times people try so hard to shove them into each other and 153 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,000 then just give up. 154 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,000 Jesus. 155 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:19,280 Put item in bagging area. 156 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:25,320 Stands there confused until it finally calls to me over for me to clear it up with them. 157 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,200 Adding on to the customer is legitimate telling me it told me to put it in the bagging area. 158 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,000 I didn't know what it wanted me to do. 159 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,600 In the self checkouts? 160 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:33,600 Yeah. 161 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,360 Where it's like put item in bagging area. 162 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,440 Me just looking at it. 163 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,440 What do I do? 164 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,440 Jesus. 165 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:47,200 Next one that says, it says insert card. 166 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,680 What do I do? 167 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,280 It says please swipe card. 168 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,520 I pressed the red X and it canceled it out. 169 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:53,520 I don't know why. 170 00:07:53,520 --> 00:08:01,920 Have you seen the one where a guy's like, we like to donate a dollar to save a dog. 171 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,800 And the guy's like, no. 172 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,480 So you're saying you don't want to donate a dollar to save a dog? 173 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,480 It's like, yes. 174 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,200 And like it keeps doing these things. 175 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,120 So you want the dog to die? 176 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,120 Yes. 177 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,120 No. 178 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,120 So you want the dog to live? 179 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,120 So you donate a dollar? 180 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,120 No. 181 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:25,280 And then like, I have to show you because it's too fucking like, it's too like explaining 182 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:31,240 it ruins the joke, but watching the, cause it's all facial expressions with the guy and 183 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,280 the monitor and there's no way to explain the joke. 184 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,360 So I'll show you later. 185 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:42,000 This one is a self checkout as card only customer tries to get cash back and it's confused and 186 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,320 angry that it won't give him cash. 187 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,960 I could go on, but what about you guys? 188 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,480 A lot of people have those kinds of things. 189 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,080 I'll see if you work in retail. 190 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,040 People cannot read fucking N pads or the damn monitors. 191 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,040 Yeah. 192 00:08:56,040 --> 00:09:01,480 I'd be like, uh, like, like, how do I skip a great rent and then press ready. 193 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,840 Didn't you hear me say rent? 194 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:08,320 I heard me say great cause I sure heard me say great. 195 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,120 Like they will immediately hear red and hit red. 196 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,120 Yes. 197 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,120 I did not say red. 198 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,120 I said green. 199 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,120 Didn't I, it didn't even sound similar. 200 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,440 No, no, not at all. 201 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,040 But I'm like, you could, you have to be joking with me. 202 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,560 All right. 203 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:28,200 Next one is by Luke yellow person puts. 204 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,720 So this happened back in the end of August and went through the beginning of September. 205 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,840 I wasn't feeling well on Tuesday and was able to see my doctor on Wednesday and got tested 206 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:37,840 for flu and COVID. 207 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,320 And it turns out I had both at the same time. 208 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,320 Oh fuck. 209 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,320 Oh my God. 210 00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,600 He was like, no, one out of 10 would not recommend. 211 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,840 No kidding. 212 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,920 Went home and was told to drink a lot of fluids. 213 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,200 Now usually I do drink a lot of water. 214 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,040 I go through a 32 ounce bottle every four to about four to five times a day and thought 215 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,040 it'd be fine. 216 00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,040 It's a lot of water. 217 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,040 Holy shit. 218 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,040 Yeah. 219 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,040 That's a bit too much to me. 220 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,160 I was feeling super thirsty and proceeded not to drink much water. 221 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,760 That's how the sickness gets you. 222 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,240 It tricks you into not being thirsty. 223 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,240 Yes. 224 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:11,640 You got to fight it and drink as much as you can. 225 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,640 Come early Thursday morning, I get up, go to the bathroom and go wash my hands. 226 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,400 As I turn the faucet on, I realize that I'm just standing there. 227 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,280 I try to force my arms to move, but they won't. 228 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,720 Next thing I know, I hear water running and it's dark. 229 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,600 I had the lights off and I'm on the floor. 230 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,800 I attempted to get up and realize that I'm back on the floor. 231 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,800 I told myself to get back up and turn the water off to keep from paying more money on 232 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,800 my water bill. 233 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,200 They keep on drowning at this point. 234 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:41,120 It was actually only a few minutes and it's a flat fee to the set amount, but I wasn't 235 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,240 thinking straight and not used to the flat fee. 236 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,600 So I try to get up, grab the sink and wake up again on the floor. 237 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,220 Whoa, what the fuck? 238 00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:52,160 This time I make it up, turn off the water and stumble back to bed. 239 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,760 Both knees hurt whenever I walk and then I almost fell again. 240 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,780 I get back to bed exhausted and lay there for a bit and fall back asleep. 241 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,280 Around six, I get up again and try to get water. 242 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,600 Go to the kitchen and grab my water container to realize once again that I'm just standing 243 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:06,600 there. 244 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,360 I couldn't get the water container in, so I fell and stumble and sit down again and don't 245 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,160 pass out this time. 246 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,560 After this fifth time I call 911 since I'm by myself and I don't know if anybody's gonna 247 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,720 fucking die. 248 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:24,920 Ambulance arrives and drives me to the ER, passed out two more times on the way there. 249 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,320 So thankfully I didn't drive as I would either have wrecked or died. 250 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,520 I get to the ER and they give me fluids and do lab work. 251 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:35,120 Turns out I was very dehydrated and that's why I passed out. 252 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,600 Spent the next day and a half in the hospital until my labs and heart rate were better. 253 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:43,160 Thankfully it didn't cost a lot but I was definitely scary and not something I want 254 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,160 to do again. 255 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:49,440 So PSA, if you're sick, drink lots of fluid so you don't make my mistake. 256 00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,600 That was actually the scariest thing I've ever heard written. 257 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:53,600 Like I uh... 258 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,600 Was passing out? 259 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,080 Yeah, like the way he could explain like, uh, I'm just standing there and I'm just 260 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,680 on the floor and I wake up and I'm standing up and I'm falling again. 261 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:01,680 I'm like, oh my god. 262 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:08,600 Like, just like, like he just encapsulated like the blackout stages like, like, like 263 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,320 stuff happens like you're not really sure what's, you know? 264 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,320 The bad, yeah. 265 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,660 The good writer. 266 00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:15,720 So now we go from that, which is serious. 267 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,720 Take it to some real shit. 268 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:19,720 Literally. 269 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:20,720 Oh god. 270 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,360 So the first one is Taco Guy Dave. 271 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,040 Oh fuck. 272 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:29,400 I had time, like they joke right, Taco Bell, oh it'll make it, it will make you fucking 273 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,400 shit. 274 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,400 No joke. 275 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,680 Like unless you're like, but you're buying a condition to eat it on a regular basis, 276 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,600 if you're like, if you're weeding off of it for years. 277 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,600 Yeah. 278 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:39,600 So same with milk. 279 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,000 Like if you stop drinking milk and then try to drink it, you'll be lactose intolerant. 280 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:43,000 Yes. 281 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,560 Like you just really, you can't drink milk ever again. 282 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:45,560 It fucking sucks. 283 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,160 I should have drank milk regularly. 284 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,760 But uh, like you'll just like, you'll just eat like three tacos from Taco Bell and just 285 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,760 dump them out on the ride home. 286 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,600 In your pan. 287 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,440 So we have, uh, Hempity. 288 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:03,800 My family was out of town for a week, so I made a large pot, the crock pot of beans with 289 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,000 ham chunks. 290 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,960 Something my mom cooked when I was a child. 291 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,440 I kept them simmering for three days and ate nothing else. 292 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,000 Oh, they'd be like, like beans and weenies? 293 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,000 Ham. 294 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,000 Ham. 295 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 296 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,000 Yeah. 297 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,160 I played video games and ate beans for 72 hours. 298 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:22,160 Life was great. 299 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,160 Fuck. 300 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,960 The beans was good. 301 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:26,960 Life was great. 302 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,640 Those beans tasted fucking amazing. 303 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,440 The night of day three. 304 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,680 Jesus. 305 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,360 My body felt like it was being taken over by the Antichrist himself. 306 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,360 I got the sweats. 307 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,360 I spent so much time on the toilet. 308 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,600 I felt like I owed it rent. 309 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,600 My ass hurt and swelled. 310 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,160 I'm so bad that I was sitting on ice cubes trying to find a relief. 311 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,160 Jesus. 312 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,560 Things and smells were extruding from my backside. 313 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,640 I didn't know existed nor wish on my worst enemy. 314 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:59,120 After trying every medication I can find and experimenting with every homeopathic solution 315 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,540 Google suggested, I finally went to the emergency room. 316 00:14:02,540 --> 00:14:08,080 The doctor in the ER that night looked to be about 28 and was model attractive. 317 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:12,440 After explaining my predicament, I was soon ass up, face down on an exam table. 318 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,120 So she's face up, ass down. 319 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,560 That's the way she likes to fuck. 320 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,960 Or what is it? 321 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,560 Uh, face down, ass up. 322 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,560 That's it. 323 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:24,560 And this is the- 324 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:25,560 I said face up. 325 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,560 That's why I make the joke. 326 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,000 You just got him plopped over. 327 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,000 Yep. 328 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,800 So I was soon ass up, face down on the exam table. 329 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:34,800 So she- 330 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,800 You did it wrong. 331 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,800 You gotta say face up, ass down. 332 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,800 Or no, face down, ass up. 333 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,000 But the way you wrote it- 334 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,880 You gotta do it first with the face. 335 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:48,800 On the exam table, so she and the nurse can get a look. 336 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:53,920 As she's using his hair and lick her lips, her licking her fingers. 337 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:58,240 She's poking the swollen mass that had grown out of my asshole and commenting how she had 338 00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,920 never seen anything like it. 339 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:03,440 I felt a rumble I had experienced many times those past 24 hours. 340 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:09,160 I haven't seen an asshole that much since the porn convention of 2009. 341 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:14,800 And before I could react, I projectile vomited liquid shit from my butthole that splattered 342 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,680 all over the table and the doctor. 343 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:17,680 Twice. 344 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,960 Two times, huh? 345 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:19,960 Damn. 346 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:20,960 I was mortified. 347 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960 So people have to pay for that. 348 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960 Jesus. 349 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960 I wonder how she reacted. 350 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:28,960 She's probably a doctor. 351 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:33,040 She's probably seen it all, but even not on her. 352 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,040 I mean, still. 353 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,400 You don't get it on you. 354 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,400 She got a hazard pack. 355 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,400 Where's the volume switch? 356 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:39,400 She knows the game. 357 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:46,560 After getting cleaned up by a male orderly, I was admitted and given meds, which helped 358 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:50,680 tremendously with the physical pain, but the emotional damage is already done. 359 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:54,640 I had another half dozen or so doctors and nurses look at my naked backside for the next 360 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,640 36 hours. 361 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:56,640 Let's have a look at this asshole. 362 00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:00,920 That's how I imagined it when it went around the street like, I gotta see this asshole. 363 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:01,920 Projectile vomited. 364 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:02,920 You know what I mean? 365 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,320 Like, I gotta see how puckered up this asshole is. 366 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,040 Sometimes doctors are just curious too. 367 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,040 Yes. 368 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,680 Backside for the next 36 hours before I was released. 369 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,400 My out of pocket expenses for that visit were over $3,000. 370 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,920 God damn, that booty hole's expensive. 371 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,440 Making it the most expensive crock pot of beans that ever existed. 372 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,880 I'll be paying emotionally for the rest of my life. 373 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:32,720 Man, I've never shit that bad that my asshole just puckered up like a punch-dive off. 374 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,280 Yeah, Jesus Christ. 375 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,760 He must have been shitting for like eight hours straight. 376 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,760 Yeah. 377 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,240 Like, I get the diarrhea. 378 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:47,480 Like, your ass was just like done after like a dull day of shitting, but like, to that 379 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,720 level it must have just like bruised up. 380 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:51,720 Almost like a prolapse. 381 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,600 It's like, yeah, that's what it sounds like. 382 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,600 Jesus Christ. 383 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,200 Like, they had to almost take it to the corner like, does he beat you? 384 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,200 Like, you know what I mean? 385 00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,200 That's God damn it. 386 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,200 Well, he did look directly in his eye. 387 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:07,600 Yeah, like someone just fucking sucker-placed his asshole. 388 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,200 Next one is by Fool Bull. 389 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,960 It's for some bits. 390 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,040 Saturday, I had some people over. 391 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,440 Some of us were in my room playing VR. 392 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,920 One of my dogs follows me around everywhere. 393 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,720 She has to be next to me at all times. 394 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,000 She loves to get in my way whenever I'm trying to sit down or walk. 395 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,520 A girl that I had never been over before was bent down playing with my other dog. 396 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:28,960 I get up to go to the restroom. 397 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,760 The girl is blocking the path, but I can get around her, of course. 398 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:38,280 While I'm trying to get by, my dog runs right into the small path that's left, and I have 399 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,400 to step over her. 400 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:44,000 I look down at her, my dog, and say, watch out, Chub Chub. 401 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,360 When the girl thought I was talking to her, I walk into the bathroom, stop and think. 402 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,120 She didn't just think I was talking to her, did she? 403 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,360 I walk back out and the girl is gone. 404 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:54,640 I'm standing there freaking out. 405 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,080 I don't know how to fix this. 406 00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:59,560 I can't just run after her and tell her I wasn't saying that to her. 407 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:04,400 If I did, she would think that, if she did think I was talking to her, me realizing it 408 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,220 would confirm her thoughts, and if she didn't, that would be even worse. 409 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:12,400 So I grab my dog, walk into the living room, and jokingly say, who wants to give a Chub 410 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:13,720 Chub a bath? 411 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,560 And she looks at me and sees the realization hitting her and says, oh, you call her Chub 412 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:18,560 Chub? 413 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,200 I go, so you fixed it. 414 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,200 Chub Fram is a smart man. 415 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:26,160 You don't want to call the girl that you just started to name. 416 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:27,160 You fat bitch. 417 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,680 That's when you've been married. 418 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,920 Move, you big bone bitch. 419 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,440 And all right, the next one is by StockFerret6692. 420 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:42,920 StockFerret, yeah, person puts, many of you will be familiar with the sugar-free gummy 421 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,400 bear effect today. 422 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,080 Well, I learned the white chocolate effect. 423 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,080 White chocolate effect, huh? 424 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,080 What are you? 425 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,080 Quick science lesson. 426 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:54,040 White chocolate includes an emulsifier called lectin. 427 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,960 Call that the devil's chocolate. 428 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,000 In high doses, this can cause water shit. 429 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,720 I don't know how to spell it out, and I'm literally about to shit myself. 430 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:02,720 Cut me some slack. 431 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,480 This is a bad fuck up. 432 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,520 So today on my lunch break, I decided to treat myself to some white chocolate. 433 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:12,640 I hadn't had some in quite a while, so off I tried to the break room and sit there munching. 434 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:16,360 I ate about 70% of the bag before I decided I've had enough. 435 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,360 Then the cramping started. 436 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,760 It was a dull ache at first. 437 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:20,760 Nothing huge. 438 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,760 Probably gas. 439 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,760 Then I passed the warning fart. 440 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:35,560 I'm very good at this. 441 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:42,000 There's the guttural discomfort, and then there's the actual, like, everyone needs to 442 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,800 leave this fucking house right now. 443 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,960 I'm about to drop some bottles. 444 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:52,800 I need to get out. 445 00:19:52,800 --> 00:20:00,040 The fart that means the next one will be shit. 446 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,040 So I run. 447 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,560 The child. 448 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:15,520 Well, more speed shovel. 449 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,520 What can I do? 450 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,520 Well. 451 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,160 You got this. 452 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,280 I guess I'm a child. 453 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,280 It sounds funny. 454 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,880 I get to the women's room and there's a cube. 455 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:30,880 I can't wait. 456 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:31,880 Oh, Q man. 457 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:32,880 Fuck all you bitch. 458 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:33,880 Oh my God. 459 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:34,880 So now it's a woman. 460 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:35,880 Let's see where this is. 461 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:46,000 She fucking just kicks one of the doors open and socks the woman in the face and throws 462 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,000 her out. 463 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,600 As fucking always, whenever I desperately need the toilet, I managed to get into the 464 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:56,800 cubicle where mere sick is to spare and rip my pants and underwear down and unleash hell. 465 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,400 Luckily, whoever had used it before me didn't flush, so there was toilet paper there that 466 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,000 masks the sound. 467 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,000 Well all the sounds that weren't me sobbing. 468 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:10,200 I clean up and get back to work and finish my day, which leads to us now. 469 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,720 Me speed shuffling home as the second wave breaks. 470 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,720 Speed shuffling. 471 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:20,960 Jesus, you conduct an electricity by kill somebody if she touches them. 472 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:26,800 As the second wave threatens to crash down like an aftershock close to Molly. 473 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,800 Jesus. 474 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:33,120 Like I said, I'm a child. 475 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,840 Those aren't just funny. 476 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,920 The funniest part for me is the descriptors. 477 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:43,280 It's like, yeah, you get that one fart and then the other. 478 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:48,080 The kind of fart that says the next one's gonna be shit. 479 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,080 Don't trust that second one, motherfucker. 480 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,080 Oh man. 481 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:56,400 So see, again, coming back to your thing, the white chocolate. 482 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,400 Guess what, my boy? 483 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,400 Guess what? 484 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,400 You're ready to get sucked. 485 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:06,280 She's talking to the stomach by diarrhea. 486 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,560 Anything else to add before we head out today? 487 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,280 Nah, those were some good ones. 488 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,280 Cool. 489 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:17,880 See you guys on the next one.