Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 33.
33.
Lucky 33.
I'm sure those are so stuff I'm drowning in mucs.
Alrighty then.
First one is by Ney Mia or Ney Miawa.
Dunno.
This person puts, my aunt has worked as a cashier in a supermarket for 30 years.
30 years girl?
30 years?
You've been to the wars.
And one of her stories particularly struck me, stuck on me.
Uh oh.
One day, she was scanning products for a woman at a register.
The alarm that reacts to customer service.
Where else would you register and scan?
Scanning items in the bathroom.
You never know.
It could be Walmart stories.
And just scanning by yourself.
I don't know if there's some weird Walmart story there.
So the alarm that reacts to security tags going through went off.
The customer seemed surprised as she was still discharging her cart onto the conveyor belt.
But she stepped away from the alarm raising her hands to show that she had no items.
My aunt was very confused and looking at the alarm devices nothing seemed to be going through.
But the alarm was still going off.
She got up to check more closely.
She finally solved the mystery.
The toddler was pushing a pressure cooker on the floor through the alarm system encouraged
discreetly by her mom.
So wait, she was having her kids steal?
Yes.
Wow.
That is a wild story already.
The unashamed woman ended up paying for the pressure cooker to avoid the cops being called
and was never seen in the store again.
Was it a different woman or was it the one that was putting the stuff on top of the same
woman?
Yes.
That is something crazy.
A pressure cooker no less?
Yes.
How did she train her?
That is hard work.
Man, that is women.
People are wild.
With the stuff they plan out to steal.
Is a pressure cooker really worth it?
Some people come in with like strollers pretending to have a baby.
And there's no baby.
And they just start throwing shit in there.
Yup.
So I came in with this though.
I didn't steal it.
I'm sure you didn't.
Every bullshit lie you can come up with.
Next one is by Deep Lemon 323.
This person puts, I started work at a small retail store a few months ago.
I learned so much.
But one day I had to get a rude customer who wouldn't even listen to me as I knew what
to do.
A lady approached my manual checkout with a hanging plant basket that we sell at $24.99.
You can scan the barcode on the plant or use a 3 digit code on a piece of paper at our
checkouts for greenhouse items.
I use the code as either one of them will come up with the same price.
It rung up at $24.99.
But here's the catch.
We have a tax for greenhouse stuff.
It added the tax of $1.50.
So it had rung up at $26.49.
As we always do when it is time to checkout.
We said your total is the price.
I did that and the lady gave me an angry look.
Saying that isn't right.
It should be $24.99.
Don't taxes count though?
That's what she was saying.
I calmly explained to this lady that we had a tax for greenhouses and pointed her to the
second monitor mounted on our lamppost where there was a tax but the lady wasn't buying
it.
Now, with our rules and regulations we can't stand there and argue with the customer.
We have to leave it to the manager on shift.
I went to the customer service desk as the lady followed with the plant in hand.
Thinking I was grabbing the book or flyer we have for the greenhouse.
However, I already knew the prices by now.
My manager for the shift was sitting during doing the lottery.
To the lottery?
I called out as I walked over.
I explained that hanging baskets are $24.99.
He confirmed it.
The lady that followed behind him with the plants were $24.99.
It followed his.
God, how they write these things.
He needed, let's see here.
The lady followed behind said to him that the plants were $24.99 and were wrong on my
checkout.
He needed clarification and went to my checkout.
I explained to my manager that it was $24.99 plus tax.
And the manager said like, yeah, your total is $26.49.
I even asked him if I was right and he said yes.
The lady left with the plant all paid for and gave me a look that I was wrong and I
had scanned them.
But you get those kind of people sometimes I guess.
But everything has a tax basically.
What she's so upset about.
I don't know if it's maybe another country that doesn't normally have taxes.
Maybe.
But like if people figure out about the tax.
I mean, that's the only thing I can think of anyway.
Next person is Strawberry VFX.
So like a sex position.
Well they wrote it S-T-R-W-B-R-R-Y.
So it's screw bird.
Oh, strawberry, strawberry VFX.
I can't talk too good and I can't write too well either.
They absolutely cannot.
The title alone I actually had to include in this one.
Obviously I don't but it's moments where I have my answer to how stupid can people possibly
be?
You'd be surprised at the depths.
Customer.
I knew how stupid people could be when someone explained that the reason they couldn't make
a bear proof trash can at the national parks was because if they did, basically the guy
said that there's a heavy overlap between the smartest bear and the dumbest people.
So if they made one that a bear couldn't get to, it would rule out some of the dumb people.
That today is the greatest example of human intelligence compared at how low they can
be ever.
Like every time someone says how stupid can people be?
I'll tell you, they can't make bear proof trash cans at the national parks because of
how dumb people are.
Yes, I could definitely see that.
I just see a bear.
You see two videos of a bear trying to get into a trash can and a can and then a human
that could get in.
Oh humanity, you're so fun to watch.
So here's some examples.
The customer.
Isn't this item two for three?
Me, yeah.
They rang up a dollar fifty each so customer.
Huffy and puffy but they're going to be like, whatever.
Shows the money in my face.
Me, do you have any ID on you?
Customer, no.
I only have my driver's license on me.
Said by me.
Exactly.
Customer, just as his birthday, ain't really like I'm convinced that it's him and doesn't
give me his ID.
My store has big carts and small carts.
I can't tell you how many times people try so hard to shove them into each other and
then just give up.
Jesus.
Put item in bagging area.
Stands there confused until it finally calls to me over for me to clear it up with them.
Adding on to the customer is legitimate telling me it told me to put it in the bagging area.
I didn't know what it wanted me to do.
In the self checkouts?
Yeah.
Where it's like put item in bagging area.
Me just looking at it.
What do I do?
Jesus.
Next one that says, it says insert card.
What do I do?
It says please swipe card.
I pressed the red X and it canceled it out.
I don't know why.
Have you seen the one where a guy's like, we like to donate a dollar to save a dog.
And the guy's like, no.
So you're saying you don't want to donate a dollar to save a dog?
It's like, yes.
And like it keeps doing these things.
So you want the dog to die?
Yes.
No.
So you want the dog to live?
So you donate a dollar?
No.
And then like, I have to show you because it's too fucking like, it's too like explaining
it ruins the joke, but watching the, cause it's all facial expressions with the guy and
the monitor and there's no way to explain the joke.
So I'll show you later.
This one is a self checkout as card only customer tries to get cash back and it's confused and
angry that it won't give him cash.
I could go on, but what about you guys?
A lot of people have those kinds of things.
I'll see if you work in retail.
People cannot read fucking N pads or the damn monitors.
Yeah.
I'd be like, uh, like, like, how do I skip a great rent and then press ready.
Didn't you hear me say rent?
I heard me say great cause I sure heard me say great.
Like they will immediately hear red and hit red.
Yes.
I did not say red.
I said green.
Didn't I, it didn't even sound similar.
No, no, not at all.
But I'm like, you could, you have to be joking with me.
All right.
Next one is by Luke yellow person puts.
So this happened back in the end of August and went through the beginning of September.
I wasn't feeling well on Tuesday and was able to see my doctor on Wednesday and got tested
for flu and COVID.
And it turns out I had both at the same time.
Oh fuck.
Oh my God.
He was like, no, one out of 10 would not recommend.
No kidding.
Went home and was told to drink a lot of fluids.
Now usually I do drink a lot of water.
I go through a 32 ounce bottle every four to about four to five times a day and thought
it'd be fine.
It's a lot of water.
Holy shit.
Yeah.
That's a bit too much to me.
I was feeling super thirsty and proceeded not to drink much water.
That's how the sickness gets you.
It tricks you into not being thirsty.
Yes.
You got to fight it and drink as much as you can.
Come early Thursday morning, I get up, go to the bathroom and go wash my hands.
As I turn the faucet on, I realize that I'm just standing there.
I try to force my arms to move, but they won't.
Next thing I know, I hear water running and it's dark.
I had the lights off and I'm on the floor.
I attempted to get up and realize that I'm back on the floor.
I told myself to get back up and turn the water off to keep from paying more money on
my water bill.
They keep on drowning at this point.
It was actually only a few minutes and it's a flat fee to the set amount, but I wasn't
thinking straight and not used to the flat fee.
So I try to get up, grab the sink and wake up again on the floor.
Whoa, what the fuck?
This time I make it up, turn off the water and stumble back to bed.
Both knees hurt whenever I walk and then I almost fell again.
I get back to bed exhausted and lay there for a bit and fall back asleep.
Around six, I get up again and try to get water.
Go to the kitchen and grab my water container to realize once again that I'm just standing
there.
I couldn't get the water container in, so I fell and stumble and sit down again and don't
pass out this time.
After this fifth time I call 911 since I'm by myself and I don't know if anybody's gonna
fucking die.
Ambulance arrives and drives me to the ER, passed out two more times on the way there.
So thankfully I didn't drive as I would either have wrecked or died.
I get to the ER and they give me fluids and do lab work.
Turns out I was very dehydrated and that's why I passed out.
Spent the next day and a half in the hospital until my labs and heart rate were better.
Thankfully it didn't cost a lot but I was definitely scary and not something I want
to do again.
So PSA, if you're sick, drink lots of fluid so you don't make my mistake.
That was actually the scariest thing I've ever heard written.
Like I uh...
Was passing out?
Yeah, like the way he could explain like, uh, I'm just standing there and I'm just
on the floor and I wake up and I'm standing up and I'm falling again.
I'm like, oh my god.
Like, just like, like he just encapsulated like the blackout stages like, like, like
stuff happens like you're not really sure what's, you know?
The bad, yeah.
The good writer.
So now we go from that, which is serious.
Take it to some real shit.
Literally.
Oh god.
So the first one is Taco Guy Dave.
Oh fuck.
I had time, like they joke right, Taco Bell, oh it'll make it, it will make you fucking
shit.
No joke.
Like unless you're like, but you're buying a condition to eat it on a regular basis,
if you're like, if you're weeding off of it for years.
Yeah.
So same with milk.
Like if you stop drinking milk and then try to drink it, you'll be lactose intolerant.
Yes.
Like you just really, you can't drink milk ever again.
It fucking sucks.
I should have drank milk regularly.
But uh, like you'll just like, you'll just eat like three tacos from Taco Bell and just
dump them out on the ride home.
In your pan.
So we have, uh, Hempity.
My family was out of town for a week, so I made a large pot, the crock pot of beans with
ham chunks.
Something my mom cooked when I was a child.
I kept them simmering for three days and ate nothing else.
Oh, they'd be like, like beans and weenies?
Ham.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I played video games and ate beans for 72 hours.
Life was great.
Fuck.
The beans was good.
Life was great.
Those beans tasted fucking amazing.
The night of day three.
Jesus.
My body felt like it was being taken over by the Antichrist himself.
I got the sweats.
I spent so much time on the toilet.
I felt like I owed it rent.
My ass hurt and swelled.
I'm so bad that I was sitting on ice cubes trying to find a relief.
Jesus.
Things and smells were extruding from my backside.
I didn't know existed nor wish on my worst enemy.
After trying every medication I can find and experimenting with every homeopathic solution
Google suggested, I finally went to the emergency room.
The doctor in the ER that night looked to be about 28 and was model attractive.
After explaining my predicament, I was soon ass up, face down on an exam table.
So she's face up, ass down.
That's the way she likes to fuck.
Or what is it?
Uh, face down, ass up.
That's it.
And this is the-
I said face up.
That's why I make the joke.
You just got him plopped over.
Yep.
So I was soon ass up, face down on the exam table.
So she-
You did it wrong.
You gotta say face up, ass down.
Or no, face down, ass up.
But the way you wrote it-
You gotta do it first with the face.
On the exam table, so she and the nurse can get a look.
As she's using his hair and lick her lips, her licking her fingers.
She's poking the swollen mass that had grown out of my asshole and commenting how she had
never seen anything like it.
I felt a rumble I had experienced many times those past 24 hours.
I haven't seen an asshole that much since the porn convention of 2009.
And before I could react, I projectile vomited liquid shit from my butthole that splattered
all over the table and the doctor.
Twice.
Two times, huh?
Damn.
I was mortified.
So people have to pay for that.
Jesus.
I wonder how she reacted.
She's probably a doctor.
She's probably seen it all, but even not on her.
I mean, still.
You don't get it on you.
She got a hazard pack.
Where's the volume switch?
She knows the game.
After getting cleaned up by a male orderly, I was admitted and given meds, which helped
tremendously with the physical pain, but the emotional damage is already done.
I had another half dozen or so doctors and nurses look at my naked backside for the next
36 hours.
Let's have a look at this asshole.
That's how I imagined it when it went around the street like, I gotta see this asshole.
Projectile vomited.
You know what I mean?
Like, I gotta see how puckered up this asshole is.
Sometimes doctors are just curious too.
Yes.
Backside for the next 36 hours before I was released.
My out of pocket expenses for that visit were over $3,000.
God damn, that booty hole's expensive.
Making it the most expensive crock pot of beans that ever existed.
I'll be paying emotionally for the rest of my life.
Man, I've never shit that bad that my asshole just puckered up like a punch-dive off.
Yeah, Jesus Christ.
He must have been shitting for like eight hours straight.
Yeah.
Like, I get the diarrhea.
Like, your ass was just like done after like a dull day of shitting, but like, to that
level it must have just like bruised up.
Almost like a prolapse.
It's like, yeah, that's what it sounds like.
Jesus Christ.
Like, they had to almost take it to the corner like, does he beat you?
Like, you know what I mean?
That's God damn it.
Well, he did look directly in his eye.
Yeah, like someone just fucking sucker-placed his asshole.
Next one is by Fool Bull.
It's for some bits.
Saturday, I had some people over.
Some of us were in my room playing VR.
One of my dogs follows me around everywhere.
She has to be next to me at all times.
She loves to get in my way whenever I'm trying to sit down or walk.
A girl that I had never been over before was bent down playing with my other dog.
I get up to go to the restroom.
The girl is blocking the path, but I can get around her, of course.
While I'm trying to get by, my dog runs right into the small path that's left, and I have
to step over her.
I look down at her, my dog, and say, watch out, Chub Chub.
When the girl thought I was talking to her, I walk into the bathroom, stop and think.
She didn't just think I was talking to her, did she?
I walk back out and the girl is gone.
I'm standing there freaking out.
I don't know how to fix this.
I can't just run after her and tell her I wasn't saying that to her.
If I did, she would think that, if she did think I was talking to her, me realizing it
would confirm her thoughts, and if she didn't, that would be even worse.
So I grab my dog, walk into the living room, and jokingly say, who wants to give a Chub
Chub a bath?
And she looks at me and sees the realization hitting her and says, oh, you call her Chub
Chub?
I go, so you fixed it.
Chub Fram is a smart man.
You don't want to call the girl that you just started to name.
You fat bitch.
That's when you've been married.
Move, you big bone bitch.
And all right, the next one is by StockFerret6692.
StockFerret, yeah, person puts, many of you will be familiar with the sugar-free gummy
bear effect today.
Well, I learned the white chocolate effect.
White chocolate effect, huh?
What are you?
Quick science lesson.
White chocolate includes an emulsifier called lectin.
Call that the devil's chocolate.
In high doses, this can cause water shit.
I don't know how to spell it out, and I'm literally about to shit myself.
Cut me some slack.
This is a bad fuck up.
So today on my lunch break, I decided to treat myself to some white chocolate.
I hadn't had some in quite a while, so off I tried to the break room and sit there munching.
I ate about 70% of the bag before I decided I've had enough.
Then the cramping started.
It was a dull ache at first.
Nothing huge.
Probably gas.
Then I passed the warning fart.
I'm very good at this.
There's the guttural discomfort, and then there's the actual, like, everyone needs to
leave this fucking house right now.
I'm about to drop some bottles.
I need to get out.
The fart that means the next one will be shit.
So I run.
The child.
Well, more speed shovel.
What can I do?
Well.
You got this.
I guess I'm a child.
It sounds funny.
I get to the women's room and there's a cube.
I can't wait.
Oh, Q man.
Fuck all you bitch.
Oh my God.
So now it's a woman.
Let's see where this is.
She fucking just kicks one of the doors open and socks the woman in the face and throws
her out.
As fucking always, whenever I desperately need the toilet, I managed to get into the
cubicle where mere sick is to spare and rip my pants and underwear down and unleash hell.
Luckily, whoever had used it before me didn't flush, so there was toilet paper there that
masks the sound.
Well all the sounds that weren't me sobbing.
I clean up and get back to work and finish my day, which leads to us now.
Me speed shuffling home as the second wave breaks.
Speed shuffling.
Jesus, you conduct an electricity by kill somebody if she touches them.
As the second wave threatens to crash down like an aftershock close to Molly.
Jesus.
Like I said, I'm a child.
Those aren't just funny.
The funniest part for me is the descriptors.
It's like, yeah, you get that one fart and then the other.
The kind of fart that says the next one's gonna be shit.
Don't trust that second one, motherfucker.
Oh man.
So see, again, coming back to your thing, the white chocolate.
Guess what, my boy?
Guess what?
You're ready to get sucked.
She's talking to the stomach by diarrhea.
Anything else to add before we head out today?
Nah, those were some good ones.
Cool.
See you guys on the next one.