1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,720 Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 30. 2 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:13,720 I'm Michael. 3 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:14,720 Number 30. 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:15,720 I'm Noe. 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:16,720 All right. 6 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,720 Yeah, we're at number 30. 7 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,760 And we've got some more today. 8 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,080 I fucked up. 9 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:24,080 Retail. 10 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:25,440 They haven't been updating their stuff. 11 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:26,440 So we don't have any. 12 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,000 Yeah, something horrific has happened. 13 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,680 It's been real scary, actually. 14 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:31,920 It's been kind of quiet. 15 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:32,920 Yeah. 16 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:33,920 It's kind of freaking me out. 17 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,440 Like I'm worried about the holiday season. 18 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,600 You know what I mean? 19 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,960 You guys don't understand retail storms, unless you're in the field. 20 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:45,040 But when there's not a lot of people buying at the store for some reason. 21 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,040 It's creepy. 22 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,040 It's like, oh, oh. 23 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:48,040 What's going to happen? 24 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,960 It's about to get real serious here. 25 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,560 That hammer's getting ready to drop. 26 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,640 Once fucking Black Friday hits, after that it's a fucking avalanche. 27 00:00:55,640 --> 00:01:02,080 Like, yeah, like if it's quiet, like even at the flea market, if it's quiet. 28 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,200 It kind of worries you. 29 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,640 It's not a recession because I can tell. 30 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,320 You can tell a recession was when it's consistently quiet. 31 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,320 Yeah. 32 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,360 But this is like, I'm saving up money for the holiday quiet. 33 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,360 Yeah. 34 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:16,600 That's really scaring me. 35 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,600 All right. 36 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:23,760 Well, first one we have is by Gay Little Sorry. 37 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,760 What? 38 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,200 Gay Little Sorry. 39 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,560 S O I R E E. 40 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,840 Oh, OK. 41 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,600 This person puts, we have family visiting. 42 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,160 So yesterday I took my son and his cousins to the zoo. 43 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,800 My son said toy rubber snake there and really wanted it. 44 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,080 So I got it for him. 45 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:50,320 I meant to warn my husband, but forgot after a very long, very long day wrangling Rugrats. 46 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,320 Wrangling Rugrats. 47 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,240 Thanks a lot for that. 48 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:58,960 It was on his bedroom floor this morning when my husband went to get him up and ready for 49 00:01:58,960 --> 00:01:59,960 the day. 50 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:04,400 My husband, who is from Jordan originally, and had multiple run ins with venomous snakes 51 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,640 as a child, so is understandably scared of them. 52 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,160 He immediately screamed, grabbed it and threw it out the window. 53 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,160 Indy! 54 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:17,200 It took 10 minutes to calm him down and another 15 searching the yard while my son cried to 55 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,200 find the toy again. 56 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,200 Oh, it was a toy? 57 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,200 Yeah. 58 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,760 That was a real fucking snakey bottom. 59 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,800 His cousins were also crying because they were confused and didn't know what was happening. 60 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,400 I need coffee now. 61 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,400 It's all in the morning. 62 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,520 Yeah, random shit always happens. 63 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:36,320 Well, if your husband's from Jordan, why would you go buy a rubber snake? 64 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,400 Why not tell him beforehand at least? 65 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:42,040 Hey, there's a rubber snake over there, you know. 66 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,600 You're fucking terrified of them, which I know, but you know. 67 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,960 He puts on his whip and his hat. 68 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,920 It becomes Indy. 69 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:50,920 Yeah. 70 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,720 Next one is by Cigar Dude. 71 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,880 This person puts, so today I was eating lunch at this bomb ass Mexican restaurant in my 72 00:02:58,880 --> 00:02:59,880 area. 73 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:04,080 I absolutely love their food and they serve their chips with enchilada sauce on top with 74 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,400 melted cheese. 75 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,400 Good Lord. 76 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,160 That ain't no damn Mexican restaurant. 77 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,160 I never heard of that shit before. 78 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,160 It's called Tex-Mex. 79 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,280 Yeah, they ain't no guy putting fucking cheese over your chips. 80 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:20,680 You get a cup of cheese, a cup of chili and a fucking like 18 gallon drum of fucking chips 81 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:25,760 that you eat and then they give you like a fucking gallon of soda watered down and then 82 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,560 by the time your food actually gets there, you're so full from the chips and so you're 83 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,760 like, oh, I don't want to fucking eat anymore. 84 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,040 That's a real Mexican restaurant. 85 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,520 He's eating Tex-Mex. 86 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:39,800 Anyways, I get up to use the restroom, which is only a one person unisex bathroom with 87 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:40,800 a wooden door. 88 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:41,800 Unisex? 89 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,080 I'm standing behind waiting for my turn. 90 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,080 You know what else is unisex? 91 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:49,880 The hammer of justice. 92 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,800 I'm standing behind waiting for my turn and walk up behind me. 93 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:54,800 Hang on. 94 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:55,800 Let me reread that. 95 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:56,800 Okay. 96 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,560 I'm standing behind waiting for my turn and up behind me walks a hot girl. 97 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,400 Being a gentleman, I naturally let her come in front of me. 98 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:08,680 At no point in time was I hitting on her or was I expecting anything in return? 99 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,080 Simply trying to be a gentleman. 100 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,480 However, I will note that she was pretty attractive. 101 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:16,240 The person walks out and then she goes in. 102 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:20,000 A few minutes later, she quietly walks out, smiles at me as if she's thanking me and then 103 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,000 I go in. 104 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,000 Oh my God. 105 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,000 Did she blow that motherfucker up? 106 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,600 Good Godfather, Almighty maker of heaven and earth. 107 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,040 Just goes like, oh, oh. 108 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:35,480 Trying to find the door handle to get out. 109 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:44,800 And he fucking locks it by accident and turns off the light somehow. 110 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:52,120 So now he's trapped in this fucking noxious film. 111 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,480 Good Godfather, Almighty maker of heaven and earth. 112 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,480 I freaking blew. 113 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,000 I completely fell to the ground. 114 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,000 Damn. 115 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:03,680 The smell was absolutely horrific and could best be described as soggy salt water, sand 116 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,680 mixed with rancid meat. 117 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,680 That's very descriptive. 118 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:17,480 Yeah, like the way he's been hit with that before, that specific smell. 119 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:21,080 I immediately started to gag and breathe through my mouth. 120 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,440 You know how bad a shit is? 121 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,440 You know how you know a shit's really bad? 122 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,880 It's when you yourself who just took the shit, right? 123 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,240 Can't handle the smell. 124 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,960 I know, because your body's used to smelling your own. 125 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:41,680 But when you, that's how you know it is truly a noxious element. 126 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,240 So he started to gag and he started to breathe through his mouth. 127 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:48,400 This only made it worse because I started to taste the smell, which only made me more 128 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,400 sick. 129 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,400 He's like. 130 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:55,440 Then I look in the toilet and see the crime scene. 131 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,080 She didn't even flush the toilet. 132 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,600 Oh my God. 133 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,600 You nasty bitch. 134 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:07,520 I would fucking find her table and be like, you nasty fucking whore. 135 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,720 Fucking tears running down my face. 136 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,320 My eyes are all bloodshot. 137 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,080 It was like accidentally clicking on the worst not safe for work picture in a sleazy underground 138 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:24,000 unmoderated forum or clicking open the mysterious AVI file you downloaded from limewire back 139 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,000 in the 2000s. 140 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:28,840 Damn, that man is descriptive as fuck. 141 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:33,320 I kid you not that by this time I was having trouble keeping my eyes open as I flushed 142 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,320 the toilet. 143 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,320 I don't blame him. 144 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:40,640 I bet you were so powerful that it just blew the fucking toilet lid off when he tried to 145 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:41,640 close it back down. 146 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:42,640 Just fucking blew back up. 147 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:47,240 My mouth began to water as I gagged and dry heaved. 148 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,200 I'm over two years sober and I haven't felt this. 149 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,720 I haven't had this feeling since I quit drinking alcohol. 150 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:53,720 God dang. 151 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:57,480 She just, she just, he fell off the wagon. 152 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,920 I threw my hand over my mouth as my delicious food started to come out and expand my cheeks 153 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,960 like two balloons. 154 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,800 So on top of this shit, it's going to throw up. 155 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:07,960 It's going to be worse. 156 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,040 I emptied the contents into the toilet. 157 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,640 Oh, so you can throw up. 158 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,640 Damn. 159 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,720 Flush, unlike Miss Manners school dropout and bolt out of the door. 160 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:23,120 The feeling of relief was like walking out of a, out of a CS chamber complete with all 161 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,360 orifices dripping liquid. 162 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,120 God. 163 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:32,280 I go up to the restaurant staff and pull an Ace Ventura shouting, do not go in there. 164 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,240 They're going to think it's him. 165 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,240 Yeah. 166 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,240 Of course. 167 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,680 Then I think that they're going to think it's me. 168 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:43,360 So I tell them that I swear it wasn't me followed by demanding that somebody empty a bottle 169 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,800 of Febreze or air freshener into the bathroom. 170 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,880 Miss Chernobyl, but it was gone by this point. 171 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,880 What if like, it's so powerful when you got to use a Febreze, right? 172 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,880 Nothing comes out. 173 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,920 Like the leg gets stuck in the fucking, uh, 174 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,200 It's like I even fight that shit. 175 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,200 There's such back pressure. 176 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,200 Yeah. 177 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:05,480 Like it just fucking falls back into the fucking canister and blows up in your hand. 178 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:10,480 I also learned today that something small, innocent looking and pretty is capable of 179 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,680 making the worst smell ever created in mankind. 180 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,040 Typing this, I still have remnants of the lingering smell of my nose. 181 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,320 And when I got home, I threw all my clothes in the washer and took a hot shower. 182 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,320 Jesus Christ. 183 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,320 That bad. 184 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,120 It must've been a fucking. 185 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,120 Why she giggles and laughs when she leaves. 186 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:30,200 Didn't you say that kind of happened? 187 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,760 Where you are with the lady blew up the bathroom. 188 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:33,760 Yeah. 189 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:34,760 She looked me dead. 190 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:35,760 Yeah. 191 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:36,760 I blew that bitch up and she walked out. 192 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:37,760 Why you next? 193 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,640 But she had enough like self-awareness to say she did it. 194 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,840 And she fucking spit in the fucking water fountain. 195 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,040 I blew that bitch out. 196 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,360 But see you expected that to be an nasty bitch. 197 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:49,360 Yeah. 198 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:53,280 I expected nothing but good manners from her. 199 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,280 Right? 200 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,960 Uh, next one is by Serum 78. 201 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,920 This person puts, I own a bar and often work to register every year. 202 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:03,920 At this time. 203 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:08,600 I remember my fuck up from a couple of years ago at my bar customers order a, uh, at a 204 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:14,920 designated spot at the bar where the, um, the POS is, and the person walking towards 205 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,320 the register takes an expedites to drink orders. 206 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,280 It's kind of fast foodie, but also super fast and convenient. 207 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:25,760 Why are you trying to make it sound like he was doing some sort of clandestine, like a 208 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,400 super scientific, you serve drinks, right? 209 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,760 Is that what he's saying? 210 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:30,760 Yeah. 211 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:31,760 Why are you saying like that for? 212 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,440 I, cause it's a point of, uh, what do you call it? 213 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,480 The point of sale. 214 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,440 That's where they order drink, I guess. 215 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,800 Basically you go up and you order your drinks. 216 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,800 Yeah. 217 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,160 Why do you be so fancy? 218 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,760 I was working the register on Halloween a few years back. 219 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,600 I was commenting on everyone's costumes as they came up and telling the bartenders drink 220 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,560 orders based on the customer's costumes. 221 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,960 So example, Spider-Man, what can we do for you? 222 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,740 Uh, a daiquiri. 223 00:09:58,740 --> 00:10:03,960 We need six shots of tequila at table four for Jason mask, et cetera. 224 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,240 Dude comes up holding his hands in front of him at chest level. 225 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,180 Fingers are all crooked like he's not wearing any kind of costume. 226 00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:12,920 My customers are not wearing costumes. 227 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,480 Of course, or many customers are not wearing costumes. 228 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:16,480 Of course. 229 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,480 What the hell would make up? 230 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,160 It'd be a demand at the front of the bar. 231 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,200 I don't know why, but my brain registered this as some kind of low effort costume. 232 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,980 He comes up and I say, Hey, weird hands guy. 233 00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:26,980 What can I get for you? 234 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:29,760 Hey you with your fucked up fingers. 235 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,080 What can I get you? 236 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,840 He looks at me all taken aback and then orders a beer. 237 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,160 I relay the order to one of the bartenders. 238 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,920 We need a beer for creepy hands, man. 239 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,960 I hear critical fingers. 240 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:47,500 I look back at the customer and he struggles with his wallet, which is on a lanyard in 241 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,920 his shirt. 242 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,840 Then I know he's not weird hands guy for Halloween. 243 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:53,840 This is his everyday situation. 244 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,920 He's a weird hand guy for his whole life. 245 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,520 I just had no only made fun of a disabled person. 246 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:03,720 Needless to say, I never commented on a customer's costume ever again. 247 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:05,240 It still keeps me up at night. 248 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,320 I would imagine it's like I'd be so, I would feel so bad. 249 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,320 Yeah. 250 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,480 It's like if you said somebody, Hey, crooked eyes. 251 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,120 Hey, cross eyes. 252 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,720 Their eyes are just all fucked up. 253 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,320 Remember that guy I told you that had a hole in his throat? 254 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,320 Yeah. 255 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,120 And I was trying to be respectful and talk to him. 256 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,120 Right. 257 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,720 But he kept trying to, he kept sticking his finger in his throat to talk to me. 258 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:28,720 Yeah. 259 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:34,640 Now it's starting to get visibly like, like, like, like, like I didn't want you, right? 260 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:39,200 It's just making me nauseous watching that. 261 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,160 Just saying that like I do right now. 262 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:46,320 Oh, I thought the, the, the vomit cured all that. 263 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,000 And not, not certain things, man. 264 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,000 Can't handle. 265 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,320 Not the, he just kept sticking it in like his hand would come out like fucking strings 266 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:55,640 of spit with. 267 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,400 All right. 268 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,920 Next one is by chemical morning, eight zero five four. 269 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:06,320 This person puts throw away for obvious reasons. 270 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,440 So this happened two hours ago and I'm hiding in my room typing this now. 271 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:14,800 My parents are quite strict on jerking it. 272 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:21,200 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, 273 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,040 that would be none of their fucking business. 274 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:25,320 That's your private time. 275 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:32,000 And being the horny ass teenager that I am, I have always found ways to satisfy my needs. 276 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,660 My parents were out for the day. 277 00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:42,520 So I decided a good time to, you know, like the guy from American pie, so repressed, just 278 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:47,080 fuck something that shouldn't be fucked that just tears apart a watermelon and mom and 279 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,640 dad come home and like, what happened to the watermelon? 280 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:52,320 You're like, I just ate it all. 281 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,400 My parents were out for the day. 282 00:12:53,400 --> 00:13:00,960 So I decided a good time to, you know, I found some bubble wrap and my genius idea that I 283 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,000 thought was a great idea, which was great for about 20 minutes. 284 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,560 Let's hear it MacGyver. 285 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,120 So I grabbed the bubble wrap and rolled it into a tube. 286 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,440 I taped it pretty tight, grabbed the lotion and got to work. 287 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,960 Damn, I'm so low key. 288 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,200 Like a hand is that's, that's it. 289 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,200 Just a hand. 290 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:23,120 And as I'm about to bust, I hear a sound and brush it off as something unimportant. 291 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,800 I finished my business and hear the door opening. 292 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,160 Oh God, my parents are home. 293 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,840 God, you don't have good ears at all. 294 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:31,840 Do you shit? 295 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,560 He's in the throes of ecstasy. 296 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,120 He probably didn't hear anything. 297 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,560 I quickly stuffed the bubble wrap somewhere and hide everything. 298 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:41,080 Apparently they came home after finding out the store was closed. 299 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,080 Damn. 300 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:46,080 They asked me what I was doing and I say, Oh, my own motherfucking business. 301 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,320 Oh, homework. 302 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,400 I looked as it looked as if they had bought it. 303 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,200 He just like, he just covered in sweat. 304 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,680 This fucking t-shirt stain. 305 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:55,680 Oh, yeah. 306 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,760 I was just just hanging around. 307 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:03,600 I proceeded to go, go do my actual homework for real this time and forget about the tube. 308 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:08,720 But half an hour later, I hear my dad calling John Doe made up name. 309 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,280 Get over here right now. 310 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,280 I wonder what is wrong. 311 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,960 And I see him holding the makeshift flesh like that. 312 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,280 I'm going to jack it up to my fucking bubble wrap. 313 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,360 My heart drops to make matters worse. 314 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:24,600 And my pathetic or excuse me, in my panic, I had forgot to clean it out. 315 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,360 I can still see white liquid inside and some on the floor. 316 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:29,920 We fucking busted it. 317 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:30,920 Yeah. 318 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:31,920 Jesus. 319 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:35,760 Turns out my dad was going to use the packaging cushioning or the package cushioning. 320 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,280 Why was it not in his room? 321 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,280 Just hide in there is better. 322 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,040 So why did he where did he leave it? 323 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,040 In the living room. 324 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,520 What the fuck did you check off and look? 325 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,280 What the fuck is going on? 326 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:49,520 And I had that I had used to make a flashlight. 327 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:54,360 My parents yelled at me for an hour and all I could do was sink to the ground and die. 328 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,280 I thought I would die of embarrassment. 329 00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,880 They ended up they ended it with we'll talk about your consequences tomorrow. 330 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,840 Is the embarrassment enough? 331 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,160 Help what should I do to make this better? 332 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:10,220 I don't think that they're going to forget about my consequence completely. 333 00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:11,480 But how should I make this better? 334 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,440 I need help ASAP. 335 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,440 Yeah. 336 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:15,440 Help. 337 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,200 But there is no help, bro. 338 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,200 No. 339 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:23,960 The fact that you get now I know why they have rules of jacking off because you're a 340 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960 fucking freak. 341 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:25,960 Exactly. 342 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960 Jacks off with household fucking objects. 343 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:28,960 Exactly. 344 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,760 I thought it was weird. 345 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,800 The getting into your personal business. 346 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:33,800 Yes. 347 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,120 Your personal business all with a fucking house. 348 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,760 You fucking freak. 349 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:39,760 There's your problem there. 350 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:40,760 Yeah. 351 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,800 Keep us sustained in your fucking room. 352 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,160 Yep. 353 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:48,160 And here you're getting ready to take his height at the beginning and now look. 354 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,160 Well, shit changes. 355 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:50,160 Fucking nasty freak. 356 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,160 Dirty motherfucker. 357 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,160 Burn the evidence like we all do. 358 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,720 Apparently he's too stupid. 359 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,600 So next one is by Blue Incorporated. 360 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,800 This person bits. 361 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:02,800 Right now. 362 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:03,800 This person puts. 363 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:04,800 Right now. 364 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,800 This second. 365 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:18,400 The pain still lingers like bad breath on a bus. 366 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,920 Oh my God. 367 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:24,000 I'm chilling at home watching TV or excuse me watching Twitch and having dinner. 368 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,600 I don't know why you'd watch Twitch of all things. 369 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,400 But I was thinking it should be pretty entertaining sometimes. 370 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,080 Just like something in the background, watch someone like listen, someone play a game that 371 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,080 you like listening. 372 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,080 Yes. 373 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:36,080 But he's doing this while having dinner. 374 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,080 It's his hobby. 375 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,080 I guess. 376 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,080 Just watch a movie. 377 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,080 Fuck. 378 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,760 You talk about the bad breath on a bus, right? 379 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:42,760 Yeah. 380 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,040 And I had this guy, his fucking breath smell like garbage. 381 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,240 Like and he was like at least a good two feet away from me. 382 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:54,040 Well, every time they have really bad breath, they are always close talkers too. 383 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,920 This guy was not a close talker and it was they still hit me. 384 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,840 Hit me like a fucking hammer. 385 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:03,840 I'm almost fucking buckled trying to find out, trying to help me get some get a belt. 386 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,840 I'm just like. 387 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,040 I'm like, man, what is it? 388 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,200 Like it was just like that. 389 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,920 It was like fucking 11 in the morning. 390 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,680 And I'm like, man, your breath is fucking disgusting. 391 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,800 Was it like Chris Pratt's? 392 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,800 Chris Pratt. 393 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,000 Oh, moving on. 394 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,800 You probably shouldn't have named our real names. 395 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,280 Chris Pratt's also an actor. 396 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,280 Oh, yeah, he is. 397 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:33,280 We don't know who he went on home by anybody. 398 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,360 I'm asking, is the actor's breath does this thing? 399 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,360 I don't know. 400 00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:40,360 I never met him, but I have met his breath. 401 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,360 Smells like coffee, didn't it? 402 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:47,120 All right. 403 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:52,320 This person said, I'm completely in my own world, chilling alone, legs up with a plate 404 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,760 of sushi on my lap. 405 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:54,960 Here's the fuck up. 406 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,880 We'll score Jean away on my sushi. 407 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,160 I was completely oblivious to the placement of the wasabi on top. 408 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,920 I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I assume whilst picking up the final piece 409 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:10,840 from the crotchal Armageddon, I smeared a piece of wasabi onto my fingers. 410 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,280 Us men all know that feeling all too well of needing to readjust down there. 411 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:20,400 So whilst being hypnotized by the TV, oblivious towards to come, I repossessioned my flesh 412 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:23,200 nub, and I met with an immediate pain. 413 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,480 Why didn't you grab your bear dick? 414 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:28,760 Why didn't you grab it through your clothes? 415 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,440 Nobody said that he was wearing clothes sitting there watching Twitch either. 416 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,440 Guess not. 417 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,520 It's fucking hard as a rock. 418 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,320 Butt ass naked, eating sushi and watching Twitch. 419 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,320 Not just burning. 420 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:43,760 I'm talking about Krakatoa on my cock. 421 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,880 I still had wasabi on my fucking fingers. 422 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:51,640 I swear this wasabi is much more oily because washing it still has far less of an effect. 423 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,640 It's been five minutes. 424 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:57,400 I hate that feeling of something that's so slick that even the water can't get it off. 425 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,880 Shit fucking sucks. 426 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,840 Like yeah, like grease oil from a car. 427 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:02,840 Jesus. 428 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,600 Believe me, I work on enough cars that yeah. 429 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,280 Just in your fucking flesh. 430 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,880 That and then if you change your oil and stuff. 431 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,520 It becomes part of you. 432 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,120 And venom. 433 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:17,840 It just, it looks like venom, whatever. 434 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,840 Next one is by Moms Siberian. 435 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,840 It's person puts. 436 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,240 So I said mom's, mom's Siberian. 437 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,680 You know, little fucking riot thing. 438 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:27,680 They women riot. 439 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:28,680 Jesus. 440 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,600 I'm like, yo, what the fuck? 441 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,680 This person puts, nothing was giving any signs of trouble. 442 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,680 Hitting that place. 443 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,640 That's usually how it starts. 444 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,600 Hitting that place after a long day always feels right. 445 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,840 I pulled up to the drive through line and it wasn't long. 446 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,120 The evening sun was filling the car with joy. 447 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,120 Kids laughing in the back, on the back seat. 448 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,920 Wife cracking up jokes. 449 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,480 The girl asked me what I'd like to order. 450 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:59,360 I'll go with a two by two with grilled onions and ice coke. 451 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:00,360 Right on. 452 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,360 She replied after each item. 453 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:05,600 Who the fuck gives you a fucking water like ice less coke? 454 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:06,600 What the, what do you mean ice? 455 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,600 Yeah, ice. 456 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:08,600 What else? 457 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,520 I've never heard of that. 458 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,000 Like you have to specifically ask for ice in your coke. 459 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,040 It's always, you always have to ask for no ice. 460 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,040 Yeah. 461 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,560 Like what the fuck kind of establishment is this? 462 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,160 We don't give out ice like you asked for. 463 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,160 It's in and out burger. 464 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,160 It continues. 465 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,920 Another two by two plain cheeseburger. 466 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:25,920 Right on. 467 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,920 She was very consistent and confident in what she was doing and my order was not small. 468 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:34,600 At this point I started thinking about my order more and decided not to fail the girl. 469 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,800 And as confident as her, I am kind of a shy person. 470 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,360 A few more items were left. 471 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:42,480 What the fuck is he talking about? 472 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,180 He's basically saying that she's saying go on after each item. 473 00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:47,800 And he's worried he's going to fuck it up? 474 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:48,800 He did. 475 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:53,560 Can I get a sign of titties with the? 476 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,560 Right on. 477 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,680 She said after another item was entered. 478 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,280 An ice, an ice with cock, said I. 479 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:00,280 Oh, there you go. 480 00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:04,400 An ice with cock. 481 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:09,220 Right before I named an extra special sauce, a lightning struck me. 482 00:21:09,220 --> 00:21:12,900 My natural survival instinct forced me to attempt to continue like nothing has happened 483 00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:14,120 just now. 484 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:18,760 Like if I didn't order such an extravagant dish in front of everyone. 485 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:23,360 Then in just a moment, right whenever I was about to catch back on pace with my order, 486 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:33,400 my wife says from the passenger seat out loud, hey, did you just say an ice with cock? 487 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,120 She embarrasses the fuck out of him. 488 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,160 Why would he even matter? 489 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,280 Like if he's what's he talking about this woman for? 490 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,920 His wife is right there. 491 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,120 And the whole car filled with laughter. 492 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,120 Everyone was laughing. 493 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,340 His wife, kids, the girl got a smirk too. 494 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:49,720 Even lizards in the shrubs were stretching their dry lips. 495 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,520 Like a dog is rolling in the back. 496 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,400 I couldn't hold myself together either. 497 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:59,160 In a few seconds, when I was able, I apologized, finished my order with the properly said iced 498 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,520 coke and pulled up the line. 499 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:02,520 The burger was right. 500 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:06,880 So was the customer service after, after he ordered an ice, an ice with cock. 501 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:12,680 What if he was so insecure and like shy and he just gets out the car and walks away? 502 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,600 That would have been funnier. 503 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:20,520 Next one is by hot dog and ketchup. 504 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,600 So this is very embarrassing and I literally hate everything about it. 505 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:25,600 LMAO. 506 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,600 I think my ass off. 507 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:33,220 I don't know why you'd have to put it in a Reddit, but sure. 508 00:22:33,220 --> 00:22:36,920 So yesterday, my best friend Brent invited me to go to a bar downtown. 509 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,760 Since I live in Texas, everyone knows that it is scorching most of the time. 510 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,520 It was 90 plus degrees outside. 511 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:47,040 So I decided to put on a polo shirt, cotton shorts, which were very comfy and soft. 512 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,320 The usual bar outfit, except I didn't have undies on. 513 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,880 I didn't really think about anything that was going to happen or be bad. 514 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,120 Fucking rod dog in hiding. 515 00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:59,240 He, that slump ass must be fierce. 516 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,240 So I just went with it. 517 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:05,960 And yeah, 35 minutes I arrived at the bar and pay the Uber. 518 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,120 It was 7 45 Brent was waiting for me outside. 519 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:12,320 We went in, ordered some drinks, the timer, the fucking pay for the Uber. 520 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,960 So we thought 745 dollars. 521 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,960 Oh my God. 522 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:22,520 We went in, ordered some drinks and then went on and had fun chatting about life and stuff. 523 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,800 About 8 15. 524 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,040 This is where everything gets really, really embarrassing. 525 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:33,120 I don't know how much alcohol Brent had consumed, but let's say it was enough to make him dance 526 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,000 erotically like he was part of a strip club or something. 527 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,000 Okay. 528 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,960 It's like I started working. 529 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:44,280 He grabbed my waist and started grinding on my crotch, rubbing it in his ass, not knowing 530 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:47,240 I didn't have underwear on. 531 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:52,000 Every guy knows that whenever you've had a lot of alcohol, your sex drive kind of increases 532 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,000 or you get whiskey, Dick. 533 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,000 One of the two. 534 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,000 Yeah, that's what I have with this one. 535 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,000 I don't know. 536 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,320 I'm not much of a drinker. 537 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:01,480 While he was grinding on me, I felt my meat stick rising up and started to panic. 538 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,480 I said, fuck it. 539 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:03,960 I just pulled his pants down. 540 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,960 Then I remember him looking back and seeing my third leg fully stood up and looked at 541 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,440 me like, what the fuck is that? 542 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,960 I'm like, what the fuck you grinding me for then? 543 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,600 Then when he realized he started to burst out laughing like a maniac, getting everyone's 544 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:18,800 attention. 545 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:23,080 Then I remember like five people staring at my crotch, fully go up and awake. 546 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,840 I don't remember much after that, except me leaving the bar. 547 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,480 Then Brent bombarding my phone with messages like you really did enjoy that. 548 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:30,640 Did you buddy? 549 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,320 What the fuck kind of weird friendship is this? 550 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:33,320 I'm real confused. 551 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:34,320 I am too. 552 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,720 Followed with didn't know you go that way. 553 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:42,400 Then hope you enjoyed it with laughing emojis and smirking emojis and then a kiss emoji. 554 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,040 How was he mocking him when he was one grinding on his fucking dick? 555 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,560 What the fuck is going on? 556 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,880 But yeah, don't go commando whenever you go to the bar. 557 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,800 I regret it so much to me before we move on. 558 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:58,080 This sounds like they're probably just both gay, which is fine. 559 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,080 It is what it is. 560 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,080 But why would he? 561 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:03,360 Why would he will even be embarrassed at the weird? 562 00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:04,360 I'm so confused. 563 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,920 My question is why was the other dude grinding on him? 564 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,520 I'm so I'm all the aroused as well. 565 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,800 I don't know what's going on. 566 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:14,680 That's just a very weird story. 567 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,680 Yeah, I don't know. 568 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,200 I'm really like it does not make any fucking sense to me. 569 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,760 You go to the bar, you don't start grinding on another dude if you're not gay. 570 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:24,760 Yeah. 571 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:29,600 And yeah, that is the most confusing fucking story. 572 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:30,920 I fucking ever heard. 573 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:31,920 And I read it verbatim. 574 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:38,520 I haven't had a story that weird since that weird like Q and or femalian story I told 575 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:39,520 you. 576 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,520 It was like two different fucking stories. 577 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:41,520 It made no sense going together. 578 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:42,520 Mashed together. 579 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,520 Yep. 580 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,080 All righty. 581 00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,320 Last one for the day is by Kodak's. 582 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,760 This person puts a few years ago, but here it is. 583 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,760 What if we were finding a story that we you talk about right and it turns out to be a 584 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,840 secret code for spots? 585 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,880 We start getting fucking phone calls and fucking emails and stuff. 586 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,160 They go some weird activation code. 587 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,560 You never know sleeper cells. 588 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:05,560 I don't know. 589 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,880 There's enough channels that do Reddit and stuff that probably would have already happened. 590 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,880 That's why they're probably getting swatted. 591 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,320 All right. 592 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,120 This person put swiped on a girl on Tinder didn't match yet. 593 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:20,960 Her profile was memorable because I live in a small town and I didn't recognize her. 594 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,600 Fast forward two hours and I go to work to clock in. 595 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,920 My boss introduces me to the new girl. 596 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:26,920 It's her. 597 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:27,920 My God. 598 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:31,720 Since she since she either swiped left or she hadn't seen it yet. 599 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:36,160 I didn't want her to think I swiped on her after we met without just talking to him talking 600 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,720 to her in person. 601 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,800 My awkwardness got the best of me and I brought it up and we both had a laugh. 602 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,760 We ended up going on a date snowboarding where she broke her arm in four places. 603 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:46,760 She is. 604 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,640 I guess she had never been snowboarding before. 605 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,640 So I drove her down the mountain three hours with a broken arm to the hospital, which apparently 606 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,520 her mother works at. 607 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:58,800 The X-ray tech thought we were dating and handed me the X-rays and asked if her mom 608 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,240 knew she had nipple piercings. 609 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,560 Hell, I didn't even know she had nipple piercings. 610 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,520 You awkward moment with mom a few moments later. 611 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,280 An eight inch metal plate and several screws is what it took to fix her arm. 612 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:15,280 I felt terrible and I helped her with lots of things over the next few weeks while she 613 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:18,840 was practically disabled and we ended up dating for a few months. 614 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,440 I really actually liked her a lot, but I joined the army and she ghosted me whenever I was 615 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,440 in basic training. 616 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,440 But that's another story. 617 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,280 You had a dear John treatment, huh? 618 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:27,280 Yeah. 619 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:28,280 That's unfortunate. 620 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:29,640 Yeah, that'd be kind of awkward. 621 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,720 It's like, Hey, did you know she had nipple piercings? 622 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:32,720 No. 623 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,480 The mom's like, Yeah, I put them on myself. 624 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,480 Her mom went with it to go get them. 625 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:39,480 I got 15 of them. 626 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,480 I'm gonna pull out her titties. 627 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,480 They fucking like it. 628 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,040 Oh, just fucking done up with piercings all over her. 629 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,880 It's like I got piercings everywhere. 630 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,840 Well, this was nice. 631 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,040 I went to time for me to leave and I just walk out the fucking room. 632 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,560 Well, I would always do that. 633 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,440 Like if something weird, you know what? 634 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,680 You know what happened at the freaking store? 635 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,720 Some dude fucking smoked heroin in the bathroom. 636 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:07,720 You mean injected? 637 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:08,720 No, smoked it. 638 00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:09,720 Smoked heroin? 639 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:10,720 Smoked crack? 640 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,280 No, it was heroin. 641 00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:14,880 So he had to shut it up? 642 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,600 No, no, that's the crazy part. 643 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,960 There's a way to smoke it. 644 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,280 I looked it up. 645 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,160 So basically you take aluminum foil. 646 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,320 And give all the directions. 647 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:28,320 It's on the fucking safety guidelines. 648 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:33,680 I guess they put it on a little aluminum foil that they light it up underneath to get it 649 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:36,240 like into like a gas form. 650 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,080 And they say smoke it through a straw. 651 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:44,640 And that's exactly what was in the fucking toilet in the fucking trash was a burnt aluminum 652 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:48,160 foil piece and a fucking straw. 653 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,440 And I looked it up online and it's like a method of heroin smoking. 654 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,360 I grew up in the hood and I haven't even heard of that one. 655 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,600 And I was like, don't you better come back in the fucking store again. 656 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,720 Yeah, I was like, because I took the evidence that I found, right? 657 00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:04,720 Yeah. 658 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,920 And then I made it fit the theory. 659 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,840 And there's a way to smoke heroin. 660 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,120 Like the most ghetto-ish way. 661 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:14,160 So you can do crack that way. 662 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,160 I know that. 663 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:20,360 Huh, I hadn't heard that for heroin though. 664 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:25,040 Because the only way I could ever think of it is injecting it. 665 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:29,520 Because I typed in aluminum foil drugs and straw. 666 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,520 That's what they fucking told me. 667 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,120 See, that sounds more like meth though. 668 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:34,120 That's what I thought. 669 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,480 But when I clicked on it, it said heroin. 670 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,000 So a new form of heroin they're doing now. 671 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,000 There's always new drugs somewhere. 672 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:41,000 So it's not too strange. 673 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,640 Because I kept thinking like if it was smoke, I can't smell anything. 674 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,640 Right. 675 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,040 I can smell it fucking just right up to his fucking foot. 676 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:49,040 Yeah. 677 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,600 Because he was taking forever in the bathroom. 678 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:51,600 Like 40 minutes. 679 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,240 It was getting kind of weird. 680 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:54,240 Yeah. 681 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:57,560 Well, at least that one girl didn't walk out first. 682 00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:58,560 Which one girl? 683 00:29:58,560 --> 00:29:59,560 Oh, the one that blew up the bathroom? 684 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:00,560 I blew that bitch up. 685 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:05,160 And he thought it was so slick because he went past his girlfriend who came in with 686 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,160 him, right? 687 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,480 They both had thick ass backpacks on. 688 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:09,480 And he whispers something. 689 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:10,480 And he walks away. 690 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:11,480 And they caught me. 691 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:12,480 Or something. 692 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,480 And like he leaves. 693 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:19,960 And she's over here like the manager talked to her, asked if she was stealing. 694 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:20,960 Yeah. 695 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:21,960 And she's like, me? 696 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:22,960 Steal? 697 00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:23,960 Never. 698 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,960 And she was in the store like for a full hour and didn't buy anything. 699 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:27,960 Really? 700 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:28,960 I'm like, it's 10 o'clock. 701 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:29,960 We're closed. 702 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:31,960 And like, oh, but I was like shopping. 703 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:32,960 And I'm like, I couldn't. 704 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:34,400 I got accused of stealing. 705 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:35,400 I don't steal. 706 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:36,400 I say no to drugs. 707 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,640 And I'm like, but your boyfriend don't. 708 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,640 And I'm like, I'm sorry, man, but we got to take our tails down. 709 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,840 We got to go to the bank and take the money when we're done. 710 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:45,840 Right. 711 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,320 And she's like, you want to get your stuff and come to the register? 712 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,800 She's like, no, I don't want to shop yet. 713 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,480 And I'm like, so you have all the, you know, a basket full of stuff. 714 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,640 And she just left it on one of the shelves. 715 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:01,480 And when I came back to get the collected stuff after I let her out, fucking a bag of 716 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:02,480 pizza rolls. 717 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,680 Just laying on the fucking shelf. 718 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:05,680 They do that all the time. 719 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:08,080 They leave frozen food all over the fucking shelves. 720 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,240 And then you can't put it back in the freezer. 721 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:10,680 No, that shit is fucking ruined. 722 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:13,080 That'd be really bad to put it back in the freezer. 723 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:14,080 There we go. 724 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:16,400 But I was like, this is ridiculous. 725 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:18,280 I know you were, she was trying to steal. 726 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:19,560 She didn't get a chance. 727 00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:20,880 She just couldn't get a chance. 728 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,840 That dumb motherfucker was smoking heroin. 729 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:24,480 And he fucked it up for both of them. 730 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:25,480 Yeah. 731 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:26,480 Because then you noticed her. 732 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:27,480 Yeah, exactly. 733 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:28,480 It's his fucking fault. 734 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,680 She beat his ass when she saw him. 735 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:31,680 No, don't worry. 736 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,680 He probably beats hers. 737 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:35,640 He was shorter than me. 738 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:36,640 So I doubt it. 739 00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:37,640 Okay. 740 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:41,600 Stomps him out. 741 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:43,640 Anything else to add before we head out today? 742 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,400 I hate the night shift. 743 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:46,400 Yeah. 744 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:47,800 We get the weird ones. 745 00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:53,320 If they're not pissing in a New Year's Day hat and leaving it on the shelf, they're doing 746 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:54,320 something else. 747 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,840 If only I could say half of the things that I've seen. 748 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,320 It's not retail, but you're not allowed. 749 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:02,320 It's customer service. 750 00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:03,880 It's still customer service. 751 00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:04,880 Yeah. 752 00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:09,400 But it'd be too easy to pick out what I do for a living. 753 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,920 Other than that. 754 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:16,280 Alright, we will see you guys on the next one.