Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity, we are number 29.
I got a couple more today I fucked ups along with a couple of retail stories for you.
Retail you son of a bitch.
I see these get a rise out of nowhere so I thought I'd bring some more up here.
Mostly the balloon one.
The balloon drove me to madness.
First one is by Federal Fisherman's 510.
Damn.
He went all sorts of all literations.
This person puts, just got off an 8 hour closing shift and kind of need to vent.
During the last hour or so of my shift, a lady walks into the store.
I greet her of course.
Hi there, how are you?
I don't even think she really, she even responded.
It just was silent and said fine.
Either way, I had acknowledged her presence and made sure to pay attention if she picked
up any clothes to try on so I could get her to the fitting room.
I remember actually the way she reacted.
I was, this woman had come over, this young girl, young woman, not a girl, and she asked
where the birthday candles are.
I'm like there at the blast aisle.
She leaves, later on she comes into my line and I ring up her stuff.
Then she's getting her stuff and I get the next customer and I say hi to the next customer.
She was being joking and smiling.
She's like oh you didn't say hello to me.
I'm like oh we just come, we already interacted so I thought it would be kind of weird.
That's in my mind.
I experience saying hello to someone I just talked to a second ago.
I never do that.
She's like oh and then she walks in and I heard her whisper.
I guess he goes, he only does, he really does.
You only get one.
I'm like oh that's fucking funny.
Yeah you only get one.
Oh they get one for me.
I'm Spider-Man bitch you get one.
She got one interaction for me and that was it.
But she said it's such a like to herself like interesting way.
He really does, he only gets one.
I never realized but I guess I do.
Like if I had to interact with you one time that's all you get from me.
What's one thing like if you say hi whenever they come in and then hey did you find everything?
Like that's still an interaction.
That's too much for me.
It's like you don't get fucking shit.
You get hello or you get help finding stuff that you don't get both.
You don't get both of them.
However she picked up no product and made her way to the door.
Now I thought the interaction was in there but suddenly she calls me over to the exit.
She passively aggressively tells me.
Passively aggressively that he wrote that fucked up.
Yeah I know.
I'm reading what they wrote so.
Fuck me it's not my grammar that's fucked up it's theirs.
I want to tell something else than passively aggressively.
He tells me if I was really going to leave her without asking if she needed help.
Passive aggressively.
And she just leaves.
Shame on you.
Like oh no man please we're about to go broke without your sale.
Needless to say I was baffled by this and asked my co-worker if I was rude or didn't
greet the customer to which she said that she had heard me very politely greet him.
Perhaps I could have been more attentive and proactive while she was in the store but I
was trying to fix my work email account and she was not she didn't seem confused or lost.
I guess I'm just baffled that some customers seem to take off take offense to the strangest
things they do and seem to make problems where there are none.
It really did.
I would have of course helped her if she if she really needed me to but clearly if she
needed it she would have said so since she had no problem going out of her way to insult
me.
Some people have sold you for no fucking reason.
You're clear to me.
Oh so it's like that huh.
It's like that huh.
You can't come over here and help me huh.
No not really.
I've seen that at Walmart.
That's a while.
To be fair it's Walmart though.
Next one is by Foxy Lady 315 Foxy Lady.
It's a dude.
I know more than likely.
All right this person pits.
So for the last dozen years or so I have been carrying this gorgeous vintage designer bag
I found online.
So it's a woman apparently.
I think I bought it in 2010.
I don't know why they have to add that but they add it in three years after the two years
after the economic collapse.
I love it and I will carry it until it falls apart.
I get a ton of compliments on it and it also causes this one crazy story.
I spent three years working in an Ivy League college town upscale clothing boutique that
cater to wealthy college students and their parents and tourists.
We didn't sell anything like this bag but I suppose I can see where it would have fit
in with the things that we did sell.
One afternoon I was getting ready to leave for my lunch break and I put this vintage
bag on the counter while I was putting my coat on.
An expensively dressed woman who had just walked up to the counter picked up my bag and
asked my co-worker who was at the register and how much it was.
I walked over and politely told her that it was my personal bag and it wasn't for sale.
She literally snatched it out of my hands and went off on both of us.
The bag was sitting on the counter.
It was for sale.
It was obviously much too fancy and expensive a bag for a retail loser to own and oh didn't
we just wish we were Ivy League students like her precious babies.
Which was actually funny because I didn't work there because I needed the money.
I worked there as a favor to the owner who was a friend of the family.
Basically as a fill in for one of her full time employees who had chronic illness and
called in sick a lot.
Chronic illness?
A lot of diarrhea huh?
Yeah she's blown up that shit.
Let me actually the other day this woman came into the store and we were in the bag working
on a truck and she went into the bathroom and she left and she's like don't go in there
because I blew that bitch up.
It's verbatim what she fucking said to me.
I was like and I walked by there and no my co-worker was like who hit that with the fabric?
It is strong.
And I'm like I'm not going anywhere near that side of the fucking store.
Then my co-worker she had to go to the bathroom right and I leaned into her like don't go
in there.
You know that woman that was in here that was acting weird?
Yeah she blew that bitch up.
Her words.
And she's like you serious?
She was so mad.
The man some women are like have some decorum man damn.
Dudes are even like there's a lot of dudes that fucks like shit like that.
Then she went into the bathroom she spit into the water fountain.
And you're like I'm going to the bathroom.
You nasty bitch.
She's just a nasty bitch.
Yeah just a nasty bitch.
We're a bitch with a big old me.
Fuckin' ruin that bucket toilet you whore.
Alright this entitled woman probably really would have flipped if I told her that my husband
was a professor at her beloved Ivy League school and I could easily afford that bag.
Thank you very much.
So yada yada yada.
This woman just kept screaming at us.
She wanted the bag so badly she absolutely refused to believe it belonged to me.
Started screaming about wanting to see the manager or the owner.
And didn't believe my co-worker when she informed the woman that she was the store manager.
We finally told her if she didn't give the bag back to me and leave the store we were
going to call the police.
She refused so police were called.
Oh damn you know those rich people they're like and they can't believe when they lose
to the police.
I don't understand but I'm rich.
Police get there.
Entitled woman gets even worse and doubles down on her particular form of insanity.
She tells them that it's her bag and she had bought it in with her.
She had brought it in with her and that we were trying to steal it from her.
Damn it was crazy.
The cop took the bag away from her and opened it up and dumped all the contents onto the
counter.
My cell phone which of course I knew the passcode to and she didn't.
Prescription medications with my name, my checkbook and everything else I carried on
a daily basis.
Oh have I some ID please.
How she had failed to recognize just from the weight of the bag that there was stuff
in it I don't know.
You could see the fear creeping into her face as the cop came up with one item after another
that proved the bag was mine.
When he got to my wallet and pulled it out and she clearly could see my license.
The woman jerked away from the second cop who had a hand on her arm and pretty much
ran out of the store.
She went out of tazer.
I kind of wish they had gone after her but apparently they didn't think the situation
warranted it because they had just asked us if we considered it worth pursuing her and
pressing charges.
Hell yeah tazer.
I know I would too.
I love seeing people like really entice them to get tazed.
They make the weirdest noise.
Like the disbelief of the accuser.
Sadly in that moment we didn't want to be bothered.
We just wanted it to be over with so we could go about our day.
I wish now that we had she needed to be totaled lesson or be forced to get mental help.
She wasn't the only crazy entitled customer we ever got but she was the most memorable.
Damn.
Talking about getting tazered from entitled people this woman I guess she was having an
argument with another woman and the cop was in between them right?
And so the woman on the porch had I guess called the cops to have her escorted away.
The woman that was leaving was like whatever bitch I'm leaving.
She pulls her whole fucking pants down and shows her full bare ass and of course that's
a decent exposure.
The crowd ran for her and she's like no no.
She couldn't believe she was about to get arrested.
No no no.
She's running and then you can see her run across the street across the other side of
a car right and then you hear the sound of her and she forgets the shit tazed out of
her.
I'm talking about her full fucking ass cheeks in front of a cop.
And you didn't think anything was going to happen?
And she's like yeah she couldn't believe it.
Like no you can't arrest me?
No no.
And then she got tazed.
See?
Karma.
Karma's a bitch.
And karma's a fickle bitch too.
Just like Lady Luck.
Lady Luck you fickle bitch.
Next one is by... let's see here.
This is a underscore throwaway.
What do you count?
I guess so.
What are you a spy?
You're not that important.
Nobody really cares.
This person puts my boyfriend and I have two young dogs.
One is a year old and the other seven months.
Like most pet owners I like to give them a voice.
Because they act like children and I usually speak to them like they are children.
Because of this I've gotten into the habit of referring to my boyfriend as daddy.
But not daddy in a traditional way and certainly not in a sexy way.
Hey cutie.
Like daddy.
I have to do it in a puppy way.
Oh my.
So I refer to him as daddy with hard D's.
Father.
To be honest I'm not quite sure where I got the idea from.
Isn't Peppa Pig like two of us for six?
Let's move on.
But I always thought it funny and innocent way to say daddy like a cartoon British pig.
So onward with dot A.
I went...
Oh I see okay.
Dot A.
The other day my boyfriend and I were getting frisky and he was hitting all the right spots.
Sometimes I call him daddy under my breath.
But this time I went yes.
Daddy.
All seductively.
Is he getting weird?
And I was instantly cringing.
Yeah it's all mine.
I had hoped he wouldn't hear me and my little fuck up.
But he just repeated what I said and then he couldn't stop laughing.
He was laughing so hard that he ended up laying next to me and wouldn't stop laughing.
Needless to say sexy time was indeed over.
Now it's a running joke and probably will be for a while.
We broke up two months later.
Well because she hadn't tried to sound like a pup a pig.
He gets his dogs on the weekend.
Pretty much yeah.
It's like you know what?
That means he's and then in the British accent.
Yeah weird.
I don't know where.
That does deserve a throwaway account.
Oh shit.
Next one is by Ruse Frost.
For you super villain?
I guess so.
This person puts a little bit of context.
I work standing for 12 hour double shifts 2 to 3 times per week.
Double shifts?
So 24 hours or 6?
Back to back.
It might be 6.
I would assume probably 6.
Like where it's a 12 hour double shift.
24 hours.
You need to fucking get home and die.
And there's a lot of lifting in my job.
So let's just say that a visit to the chiropractor for this old lady was vastly overdue.
Anyways.
Did you put old lady in parenthesis?
Yeah.
That means she's not actually old?
Where is she at?
Probably like 40s.
Anyways.
Feels old.
I get signed in and the chiropractor is super nice and wants me to be comfortable.
There's a little bit of small talk and I tell him about my back shoulder pain.
I've seen the TikToks where people like it'll be like there's all these chiropractor videos
like alright just take a deep breath.
And now they're doing like whether it'll be like people working like construction and
they have like a piece of plywood like alright now relax.
If I break the whole fucking board now they're just mimicking chiropractors.
What it sounds like.
She sounds painful.
The adjustment starts.
He's doing the classics that I've had before where my neck damn near breaks and then he
made cracking up to the top of my spine.
But the problem arose when he had me tilt my legs over and cracked my lower back.
I would say my biggest mistake was probably the iced caramel mochachito.
Mojito.
Get yourself on the way to the appointment.
Additionally the shorts I were wearing were loose and comfortable.
But to the big low back adjustment and nowhere around it I shit myself.
Of course you did.
Anytime I hear some food or like you know.
Like the big mistake was before like I didn't know you shit your pants.
Not only that I immediately looked down to see a trail of oozing bowel movement running
down the side of my thighs as the shorts I was wearing couldn't contain the tension release.
I make eye contact with my friendly young chiropractor and see a look of horror on his
face.
He never chiropractic again.
I stand up and make a break for the bathroom.
Stand up and have that shit falling everywhere you nasty.
I didn't even look back to see if I was leaving a snail trail.
If she was I can guarantee it.
Regardless I don't think I'll be coming back to this place.
No kidding.
I ruined his whole fucking day.
Now he's gonna be on retail of this nasty bitch.
Alright the next one is by unoriginality.
I thought it was gonna be uncut.
That's what she did.
She let loose.
Uncut Johnson's 45.
This person puts so to provide a little context me and my significant other have been together
since.
It's been a running to buy a little content with a running theme lately.
Yeah.
Like it does the whole fucking story.
It's gotta be the context.
What's the context that you're trying to.
Here's the context.
I'm a serial killer.
That's how you tell context.
It's a quick sentence.
No they have to let you know everything.
The whole thing is not.
Whatever.
I think I'm exhausted.
At least I didn't tell you the ages that they put in parenthesis.
Oh they're there aren't they.
Oh bitch.
We do this thing when someone says something like oh that's broken.
We immediately respond with you're broken etc.
So whatever part of the sentence.
Well.
Yeah.
So we're lying in bed and she asked me if I'd go get her a bandaid from the kitchen
drawer.
I brought her the empty pouch back where the bandaid used to be to which she tells me that
they are loose in the drawer.
I immediately reply you're loose.
She's had a kid before.
I realized my mistake mid stride towards the kitchen to retrieve the aforementioned bandaid
and come running back to my significant other looking at me with murder in her eyes.
I laughed but apologized so hard for not realizing what I implied.
Yeah I lose percys what I'm supposed to say.
She forgave me thankfully.
She seemed the funny side of it but dude.
He almost fucked up.
I wouldn't think that that's that big of a fuck up though.
I can I can tug a woman out.
I'm murderous rage.
You mad.
You sure you're mad.
You mad.
Next one is by dingus Barry Jones.
Dingus Barry Jones.
The best name I've heard so far.
Spurs and Pits.
Who is that?
That's our sheriff.
Dingle Barry Jones.
The fastest draw in the West.
And that's by a woman too.
The fastest draw is still the fastest draw in the West.
Spurs and Pits.
This happened a while back but it still haunts me.
I thrift very often.
I also have a very bad social anxiety and tend to be kind of bad at small talk.
Oh and drift.
He drifts so that's what I just did.
Oh he drifts.
I think he drifts.
He goes to thrift stores.
Yeah.
Oh he does?
Yeah.
I thought you said it.
Drift and I heard thrift.
It is thrift.
I think I'm slowly unraveling.
I'm so tired.
There was an employee.
That worked at my favorite Goodwill that checked me out fairly often.
She was very polite.
Like he's actually like cashier wise.
I assume cashier wise.
She was very polite.
Maybe 16, 17.
And kind of gave off Dugger Fuddy vibes.
Who the fuck is I?
Dugger?
Don't know.
I kept seeing cute Pinterest posts.
Don't know I kept seeing cute Pinterest outfits featuring denim maxi skirts and was super
excited whenever I finally found one of my size.
When the cashier was checking me out she held up at the skirt and said this is super cute.
I said yeah I love dong.
Yeah girl.
I'm so sorry.
I am legit tired.
I'm so tired.
You're legit…
Like a dillir.
Shh.
So you like nice dong.
Yeah nine inches.
Nine inches a hog.
I was trying to say I love long denim skirts.
No you weren't.
You said I like dong.
It was but nothing else.
She wanted everybody to know that she likes dong.
But her anxiety got the best of me and I fumbled my words even though I was mortified.
I don't think she picked up on what I said.
which was almost worse because I kept laughing at myself every few seconds.
The word dong is hilarious and makes me do it all the time.
Not only did this poor girl, did I tell this poor girl I love dong,
I proceeded to giggle to myself the whole rest of the transaction like a crazy berksom.
When I got to the parking lot I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.
I called my boyfriend and when he picked up the phone he was nervous because he thought I was crying.
He's like well come on.
Oh did you you found out huh?
That'll stop the crying that'll stop laughing real quick.
Last one for today we have average baiting.
Average baiting is the name.
Oh is it a masturbating?
You did average at it?
I like it.
So let's start off with some details.
I live with my parents and I'm just starting to get more into self-care options.
One of which was a backdoor play.
So I bought a few things online like a starting kid with a few different toys and douche
as well as a prostate massage.
There's a starting kid for anal plac-
I guess.
I dare you.
I thought you didn't go raw.
You learn as you go.
Now living with my parents hasn't presented many issues but one it definitely has
is that my mother doesn't always check who's on-
whose name is on the package.
You already know where this is going.
I forgot to let my mother know that I had a delivery because the tracking number said
tomorrow only to come home from work today to find a box on my bed
with a note taped to it apologizing for not checking the name.
The worst part is that the item on top whenever I opened it wasn't the starter kid
that just had a company name on it but it was a prostate massager that had a fucking image on it
of what it was right like on top of it.
Now I'm sitting in my room too fucking embarrassed to risk taking-
talking to her right now because she knows that he's into butt plac-
I'm gonna make sure that when I have children that I foster a uh open-
You can tell me anything and I'll be like you know what?
Well she didn't say anything that's the weirdest shit I've ever fucking heard of that damn life.
But I love you son so you can-
She didn't get mad at him.
She said I'm sorry for opening your box.
Yeah but to him that's what I'm saying like he's embarrassed.
I want to foster like they don't have to be embarrassed about it.
You can tell me anything.
Where you got just your dick stuck where?
What?
Oh how'd I foster it?
How the hell'd you do that one?
Kind of magic dick do you have?
So my kids never have to be embarrassed about whatever embarrassing thing they think they
have to be embarrassed about.
In American Pie, Jim's dad kind of fucking an apple pie.
You know he's just we'll just tell your mom we ain't at all.
He super glued his hand to his dick.
And then he you know he helped his daddy was the best father I've ever seen.
He has seen war stories.
Because of his fucking son.
Listen we've all been teenagers.
We've all done stupid shit.
I'll agree with that.
I don't know about a nanoplay stuff on an online.
No.
Starter kit.
But I won't condemn you for doing it.
I won't even shame you.
I don't that's the thing though.
I don't think she was at all.
It's just he was embarrassed.
So that sounds like more of a personal issue than like it seems like they're open.
Well she's opening boxes and I say oh my god.
What?
Duff.
Mac.
See because it's like she's left it.
Oh sorry I didn't mean to open your box.
Eat fuck you.
I don't know.
I think there's the things that you didn't see.
And didn't hear.
You fucking nasty son of a.
See your father found out.
And he's got a better one in there.
Dad gets here like you got this is not this is this is the bad starter kit.
You want the XD starter kit.
That's got the massaging balls.
Anything else dad before we head out today?
I'm so fucking tired that I don't even know if this is real.
With that we will see you guys.
I'll find out before we get demonetized.
See you guys later.