Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 28.
We have a couple more retail stories for you.
Let's begin in here and some more today.
I fucked up.
Retail.
Yes, yes, yes.
So, the first one we have is by fewlobster7961.
This person puts, I work in a grocery store and I'm standing in front of the dairy case
making the order for the weekend.
Customer comes up and asks me where the pints of coconut milk are.
I tell her we don't carry it refrigerated, but we have it in shelf stable in cans.
What we call the grocery aisle.
She insisted that she buys it here all the time.
The famous lie.
You know you're all lying.
You know damn way.
But you never want to be caught being wrong.
Always.
So you lie your ass off.
I respond by saying well I order all the dairy and dairy alternatives and I respond by saying
well you're a lying little bitch.
We don't carry it as I turn and walk away.
Like for fuck's sake I work here.
I thought that was her saying.
That's all the one saying.
Like for fuck's sake.
I own the whole fucking store.
I think I know all what we sell and what we don't.
While I'm at it another time a customer asked where the alcohol was.
I told him we don't sell alcohol.
He kept insisting that we did.
I looked at it and I went where is it.
I looked at him and said well since you know it all good luck finding it.
And walked away.
Our store is only five aisles.
Pretty obvious we don't here and carry alcohol.
Damn five aisles.
That shit would be a paradise.
The rudeness of some people is just insane.
I don't put up with it anymore.
Once it's apparent that they aren't listening I remove myself from the situation before
I say something to get in trouble.
That rings very true.
You've never been in trouble with the customers?
Wait that was the one time.
Next up we have Fennel.
This person works in a specialty store.
This particular store happened a while ago but I can't remember all the details so this
is as good as it gets.
I was behind the register and I noticed one of the assistant store managers has been on
the phone for a very long time.
Normally phone calls only take a few minutes as it's normally customers just asking a
question or two about our inventory, return exchange policy, etc.
Now you guys open?
That's always the one.
Yeah you guys open?
See what I do when I call a store to see if they're open if they say hello I hang up
because then I know they're open.
Also you're that one.
I've had that before.
You hang up before you sell a bitch.
Fuck I want an answer.
That shit drives me crazy dude.
You click out my answer.
You're open.
Okay.
Now the phones are behind the registers and there are two ways to get behind the counter
and to the registers and phones.
Because this is a very busy day all registers are being manned.
Sometimes during a lull in the crowd us cashiers will leave the counter to stock, fill, talk
to customers, etc.
When I see the lines getting long I start heading back to the registers.
However the assistant store manager is still on the phone with the customer and is looking
pretty irritated at this point.
Unfortunately for me she is in my path and the other way behind the counters is blocked
by customers and other cashiers.
Instead of asking her to move I decided to duck under her which ended up with me losing
my footing and hitting the counter but that's a different story.
When she finally gets off of the phone she sighs and gives me a very exasperated look.
She explains that the customer was trying to get to the store to do an exchange or something
but she didn't know where we were.
Instead of going onto Google Maps she decided to ask the manager for direction and wasn't
understanding the directions.
Later the phone rings and I was the unfortunate person to answer it.
It was the same lady.
Who dis?
The conversation goes something like this.
Me.
Thank you for calling store at shopping center.
How may I help you?
The lady.
I'm trying to get to the store.
Can you tell me where you are?
Me.
We are in shopping center between store one and store two.
Lady no the address is this and this.
No like can you tell me how to get there?
What?
Me.
I'm sorry ma'am I don't understand.
The lady.
I'm on highway whatever heading towards this major city.
What exit do I take and what road should I take?
Oh it's weird.
At this point I see my assistance to our manager was so peeved I was thinking oh no this is
going to be such pain.
Me.
So you exit on highway exit whatever onto the frontage road turn left onto the other
road follow that road for whatever distance turn right into the shopping center then left
and the store will be on your left between store one and two.
The lady.
I didn't get that.
What exit should I take?
I just thought you were in the wrong city.
After the next fifteen or so minutes I was repeatedly telling the lady instructions on
how to get to our store and she was not getting it.
I had customers to check out and other things to do but I was stuck on the phone with this
woman because everyone was busy and no one would be able to answer the phone.
I was so close to telling the lady to use Google maps or something and just hanging
up on her because of holy fuck this was so annoying.
I can't remember how the call ended but I told the manager about the woman who had called
and she laughed in sympathy.
I went off to my break not long after and the lady managed to get to the store.
I didn't get to see her but I was told that she was an older lady but not too old to not
know how to use a phone.
Sometime after I came back from my break the woman calls again and again I was the unfortunate
soul who had to answer the phone.
I can't remember what happened but apparently there was something wrong with the exchange
and she wanted to know what she could do about it.
Why are you guys showing up here?
I mean again I was stuck on the phone for a long time.
When she finally hung up I regretted taking my break because I was so irritated and needed
time to cool off.
I've dealt with those guy customers before.
So much fun.
I'm sure you've had a few like that.
I don't know if people are...
I once had a woman come in and say this flashlight don't work and I flipped the batteries.
There you go.
Well fuck it.
No she like legit just was like okay.
Oh and she wasn't one of those kind of people?
No she was like...
I didn't know how to use it.
She was just so dumb.
She went, you didn't even recognize that I fixed it for her.
Yeah it's not surprising.
Idiocracy.
That movie?
It fits.
It's a documentary.
Yes it is.
Alright next one is by ResponsibleB522.
This person puts, the company I work for has a policy.
We do not inflate outside balloons.
Oh well.
I know that story too well.
That's the Mylar foil balloons that we sell on display at the front of the store.
Did I run this?
We can't inflate the latex balloons we sell either.
I did right.
We are safety rated for anything but our foils and helium is getting scarce as it is.
I didn't for real think I run this.
Employees can be reprimanded or fired for filling outside balloons and our policy is
part of training for the balloon station.
And that's fine.
Corporate is training for balloon station.
You bitch.
Get on that motherfucker.
Start blowing them balloons up.
I'm first aid.
Don't blow your fucking dick off.
And that's fine.
Corporate is that friend and honest about that.
And it's their right to decide.
For the most part customers are understanding but.
No they're not.
But when the damn lie.
Bill is your problem customer the problem is balloons about a third of the time.
Yeah actually.
If it's any fae you know what they also say.
I don't know how they're braving.
Did your helium work?
I'm like yeah helium works fine.
It's just empty.
You dumb bitch.
So that women does helium not do their helium work.
Instead of saying do you have helium.
Yeah does your helium work.
I'm like what do you mean.
It's not a machine.
It's fucking helium.
I don't know.
It drives me crazy.
I could definitely see that.
Some people offer to pay for the helium straight up.
Which we don't have an option for.
Yeah I go I tell you there's nothing I.
You're gonna fucking sell me a ten dollar bill in my pocket.
What do you want me to do.
Or ask to have balloons rung up.
Then just fill the balloons that they have instead.
Yes.
Everything you're gonna say.
I've had it all.
Every single thing you just said I'm dead down with it.
I always tell them no.
It's not worth my job.
Had someone threaten to call corporate about it.
And I said please do.
I'm like what.
I'm like and do what.
Tell them that we can't.
You're gonna tell them you can't blow up outside balloons.
You stupid son of a bitch.
I'm sure they'll be happy to hear that I'm opening their policies.
Yeah like what.
That's the dumbest response.
But one particular lady takes the cake.
She came in one night.
While the cashier and I, a manager, were on duty.
She was either the.
How fancy.
Had three people on duty.
How fancy.
She was either the only one in the store or other customers were back out of earshot.
She came in with a spongebob figure old balloon and asked the cashiers to fill it up for her.
She appropriately told the lady no we can't.
The lady then asked to speak to the manager.
So she rang for me.
I gave her the same company policy.
And she got super polite.
Please wouldn't I fill this up for the little girl's birthday.
Ma'am fuck that little girl.
Not literally.
Well in the figurative sense of I don't give a shit.
She ain't paying my bills.
I told her I am sorry.
But it's not worth my job.
She goes.
Oh you're not gonna lose your job over this.
I'm thinking.
Yes I will.
Wow must be our new CEO if she can make that kind of call.
But again I told her no.
Offered to pay me extra.
Still said no.
How much are you talking about.
I'm not doing a funny business in my drawer and I can't mark something like that in the
register if I wanted to.
I kept saying sorry no until I until it was she seemed that she wasn't getting through.
She turned to walk away.
Then the super nice act went out the window.
Oh yes.
You know you can tell those actually.
Like you can feel them.
Yeah.
We've been in the type of business where we deal with people all the time.
You can feel the fake nice.
Yeah I know I know your tricks ma'am.
From behind me she says.
Yeah go ahead and leave.
I'll just do it myself and you're not looking.
Maybe if you touch that guy that he's in my crumb and drop it on top of you.
I silently turned back around and put my hands on the helium tank nozzle.
She immediately goes.
Oh thank you.
I knew you could come to an agreement.
And I removed the nozzle from the helium tank.
Yeah.
And didn't need to put it in the office if I needed to.
She goes.
You're an asshole.
You're lucky I'm on probation and have a kid.
Oh fuck.
And left.
I'm about to get shot.
That's also another thing like they're so rude and they also threaten your life.
What the fuck lady.
And she left.
The cashier goes.
Wow.
As she crashed her car into my fucking store.
So yeah that hit home.
You have felt this.
Yeah nothing getting threatened part.
I'll do it when you're not looking.
How about that?
Not that either.
No?
Like you're too dumb to manage this machine man.
You don't know what I mean.
Like a simple lingo or something.
People just they think that.
They think retail is just like.
Just like.
Like here you go.
Would you like to take a shit on my face ma'am?
There you go.
It's like there's policies.
Yeah.
And it's like yeah.
At times they're the worst policies known to man.
And you have to follow them because it's policy.
It's yeah.
And then they make us feel like we're the assholes and idiots because we have to follow
the policy that's been deemed down from the fucking corporate company.
And I'm like I didn't make this stupid policy.
But I'll lose my job if I don't fucking do this dumb policy.
Exactly.
It's like it's not that I want to do this policy.
Right.
You can take the whole fucking tank if you like.
I'll give the file.
But I got no choice.
It's part of policy too if they did want to steal it.
You can't stop them.
So.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
I'm not going to stop you.
No man please.
We're going to call the police back.
Oh no.
That's basically it.
No.
If it's like you just you can't come in the store again.
Then take everything you can while you can.
Exactly.
And by the time you leave the cops won't even be here yet.
So go ahead.
Well they won't be here anyway.
I'm not going to waste my time with the police.
For like fucking three items.
No.
They're not going to arrest you.
Well obviously you're going to have to go through more hell than they are.
Right.
So I'm like you know just don't like if we see you again you're not going back to the
store.
Exactly.
You've been told to leave and get out.
It'd be funny how like the thieves are the most courteous people.
Like you've been told to leave get out.
Oh you got me a gish.
They know the game.
Oh damn.
That's the sad part I guess.
I've seen that.
People that have gotten banned from Walmart.
Oh I can't go man.
It's the ones that are law abiding the worst to deal with.
Like I'm above the law so I actually get whatever I want.
Yeah.
You made me so angry.
Next one is by fluffy end 2406.
Fluffy end.
What end.
You're going to hurt your brain again.
Yeah.
This person puts I moved to East Asia last year and I recently got a girlfriend.
Now the language barrier.
You can do all the way to Asia.
You couldn't do it anywhere.
You moved all the way to another country to get laid.
Is what I just heard.
Yes.
Now the language barrier has been very difficult.
Wait and she does not sit.
This is already sounding the most sketchy game I've heard so far.
So basically it's a very difficult game.
Yeah.
I mean you can't do it anywhere.
You can't do it anywhere.
So basically you found a bride online.
No.
It's not one of those countries.
Okay.
It sounds sketchy though.
It's not the Philippines.
He met somebody and there's a language barrier.
How the fuck did you meet?
Well he said he moved there and then met her.
Right.
It's not like he went because of her.
But there's a language barrier.
So how do they know they're dating at all?
Well.
I'm real confused.
We have been dating for a month.
I think.
But despite the language the relationship is going well.
See like what do you mean?
They're using Google Translate.
That is a terrible way to date.
A lot can be lost in translation.
Well but.
Especially when you're fucking.
That's kind of what this has to do.
Oh son.
Oh.
Look.
The other day I saw some post about a dude jizzing on his own face or something and it
reminded me of the situation that happened to me recently.
You can do that?
About a week ago she was giving me a BJ and I felt like I was going to bust.
I wanted to tell her to slow down but I did not know how.
I had to get the ditches.
So what I did was I motioned her head to stop and was going to sit up and take a bit of
a break.
But as I was getting up I shot myself in my face.
Oh his face.
Hitting my chest and my face.
That's a weird angle.
I guess he's leaning forward.
Yeah.
So when the dick popped out of her mouth they fucking shot up.
Is how I'm fucking imagining.
But how would it shoot up that far.
How small is your.
Like because the angle would have to like.
You know what I mean.
Well when you're skinny you don't have to worry about that.
Even you know.
When I was fit right.
My dick would reach the bottom of my belly button.
That's how long it was.
So I'm thinking like how the fuck.
I don't know I'm confused.
She was shocked and had the surprise look on her face.
Probably because it looked like I had stopped her so that way I could do this on myself.
I laughed it off and cleaned myself up.
The next time we did it we were fooling around and she was jerking me.
And I did it again.
But I noticed her cupping her hand to collect it.
Oh no.
In my head I was like what is she doing.
I thought her throwing it in your fucking face probably.
After she had collected it she started rubbing it on my face.
She was laughing and smiling while she was doing this.
She looked so cute.
It was because she looked like she was happy to please me.
I just laughed awkwardly while she did it.
What.
Reddit.
I think it's time.
I think she thinks that I'm starting to enjoy this every time.
It's happened three times already.
Should I tell her to stop.
Yes.
That will be awkward in Google Translate.
So he is using Google Translate.
You cannot date somebody that you cannot speak to.
What in the fuck are you doing.
Oh fuck.
Do you guys think that I should.
I'm still trying to figure out how he shot himself in the chest with his dick.
There is no way.
Even if I pointed it directly I would have to be leaning.
No because my fucking stomach would get in the way.
Because he's laying down.
You can't hit your chest like.
Unless he's like no because he's standing up.
Something about this doesn't sound right to me at all.
I'll be damned if I don't figure this out.
I'm going to do a bunch of experiments later.
My detector brain is going off.
Do you guys think that she thinks that I like it.
If I shared her nationality would her reddit be down to help me.
What should I say.
Do you guys think that she's told her friends.
Probably.
What the fuck.
Any thoughts or comments from reddit would be appreciated.
Edit.
Added context is that she is Japanese and I live in Japan.
Also anyone here have any tips on how I should handle this or bring it up.
Yeah learn Japanese.
There you go.
Why she looks.
After.
Weird.
The little giggle.
Yeah.
You like to call it the guy where he's just giggling his ax.
I don't like the little giggle.
They better love that grown ass woman.
I'll be damned if I was a little girl giggle.
Next one is by South add 8256.
This person puts.
This was last night but I was hanging out with my girlfriend in my apartment and I had
to fart.
She asked me to fart somewhere else so she doesn't have to smell it.
So I went halfway into the bathroom while having fun.
I thought it would be funny if he started her directly in the eye.
That's true love.
But instead of farting I pooped my pants while making direct click.
So he shit himself.
I'll get directly at her.
Yeah.
Dead in the eye.
He fucking just I imagine in my head like he slowly puts his head back into the door
and closes the door behind him.
That's what you're thinking too huh.
Now that's not a nary a word.
I was fucking between the two of them over again.
I don't know what's like so bad.
Let's see.
I haven't done that in at least 10 years so it only makes sense to happen over a few
months.
I'll pay to my girlfriend in three months.
Real life it'll never be outbeating.
She laughed at me for a little while or so.
I did and so did I but I was still very embarrassed.
Luckily she seemed to forget about it but the horror I felt whenever I realized what
she said.
Oh yeah she won't forget when you guys have an argument.
Like why should I listen to you you shit your fucking pants.
You remember that time whenever you stared directly at me you fucking shit yourself you
nasty mother but you're just like your father.
That was funny though.
He decided to just pitch her in.
He was like just making direct fucking eye contact out the door.
Fucking just dropped a deuce.
I can just imagine in his face like fuck everybody's still making eye contact.
Next one is by backroom DT.
Backroom DT?
I don't know what the fuck the DT stands for.
My word Duff.
It's Kiprich?
I wasn't learning so much yet I don't want to know anymore.
This first input happened today.
Bit out of context my wife likes the foaming hand soap so we bought a generic soap pump
that she that makes the soap come out as foam.
Completely clear no markings.
She'll rotate through a few that she likes and picks up new ones every now and then.
It was a fun cuddly day today and we turned into a request to go to the bedroom.
I told my wife I had to clip and file my nails before we went and did this together.
How romantic.
Once I was done I washed my hands in the sink with a nice apple and spices soap.
We did our thing, cuddle, and went to clean up.
I always get a big handful of the foam in the bathroom and give my junk a good wash
after it.
What are you a fucking prostitute?
Writing your junk between clients?
Then it dawned on me.
She put peppermint soap in the pump.
I had about a second before it felt like I stuck my Johnson into a snow bank filled with
radio static.
He's uncircumcised.
I rinsed it off really well.
No luck.
I tried cold water.
Even worse.
I ran out screaming and laughing and we agreed maybe we don't use that hand soap anymore.
It's VR's later and it still kind of tingles.
Why would you use hand soap on your dick anyway?
Is it a different chemical balance?
Somewhat.
I wouldn't put hands on my anything other than my hands.
It's with a hand soap.
I have MS so sensations can stick around for a while.
I'm sure I will be laughing about this one in a while.
If I had washed my hands way back whenever I my hands way back whenever in the bathroom,
I would not have used this on my junk.
Because apparently there was two things of it.
I've used the wrong one.
He's the other one that had a different smell.
Well, next one is by D Smith 61.
Hey, but this happened a little while ago.
I was on my second dive during an open water scuba training and the instructor and myself
were split up from the rest of the group.
There was no problem as he was very experienced in the area.
We were down on the lake floor about 18 meters and I got a tap on my shoulder from the instructor
that he was going back to the surface but for me to stay where I was.
I did not think twice about this and continued to float around at the bottom of the lake.
A few minutes go by and I'm still waiting for him to come back down.
It is important to know that if you find yourself lost or alone while diving, then after a minute
you should surface until you find someone.
Anyway, it's now been about five minutes and I'm debating if I should go up or not as I
was told to stay down at the bottom.
Is he right there and he's down there?
It sounds like exactly what it sounds like.
I start to hear a funny noise coming from up above me and assume that it's just a boat
or a noise from within the water.
I start to ascend as I realize this is not normal to be left alone for so long.
As I'm coming up to the noise, it's getting louder and I realize that it's shouting and
screaming from the surface.
My instructor's suit was having issues and was not allowing air to be released from his
suit to go back down.
He was screaming and shouting for lifeguards and other divers as I was chilling on the
floor of the lake with not a worry in my mind.
If I see the person that's meant to train me in anything I'm supposed to learn, fucking
panic.
I think we're both going to die.
If I saw my pilot lose his shit as he's teaching me how to fly, I'm assuming that would have
rippled me with such fear if I saw my scuba diving instructor going apeshit.
You know what I mean?
The person that's supposed to be the most calm individual in the situation absolutely
loses it.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Lose it.
Right.
But now I can't because he took that for me.
So now I've got to be the calm and rational one.
Useful places.
In an absolutely unskilled environment.
Yeah.
I would never scuba dive again.
Ever.
My suit just fucking full of oxygen.
What the fuck did he say?
What was it?
He's having issues and was not allowing air to be released from his suit to go back down
to get him.
So they were worried about him.
So I'm guessing.
Like whenever he tapped him on the shoulder I think he meant for him to come up with him.
Probably.
Like basically it created a fucking balloon because his suit couldn't go back down at
all.
Exactly.
There was too buoyant.
Did he assume like I would go up eventually?
Did he assume I would stay in there until I fucking died?
Well I think that whenever he tapped because he didn't come up a minute after he was still
down there just fucking chilling for five minutes.
Well yeah I'll be like I'll be fine.
He was fucking freaking out.
I need to fucking get back down there and save him.
I gotta say like he was fucking out of oxygen or something.
I want to come up eventually.
Dead or not?
Well I floated up.
Some way or the other.
My fucking survival instinct would kick in.
I'm fucking bolt.
But I'm also highly OCD.
So whatever instruction they told me like you gotta wait five minutes between the lower
level and the higher level of water so you balance out your whatever bullshit so you
don't get the fucking the bends.
The bend and I'd be like ha ha ha ha ha in between the like ha ha ha ha.
You know how I know?
Because I played a game right where it was in Mars.
It was a horror game called the Moons of Mars and you had to put your suit on and you gotta
depressurize the fucking room and then you can go out into the fucking environment.
You go back in.
You pressurize the room again.
You can take your suit off and you fucking you take all you go into the facilities.
Now as I was learning to be a fucking astronaut I would sometimes forget to pressurize the
room when I take my helmet on.
I was like real quick.
I gotta pressurize this son of a bitch.
I love video games because you can do survival stuff or stuff like that and you'll be fine.
You'll get to do it in real life.
Yeah and I could probably do it in real life.
So after that I always be like I gotta pressurize this son of a bitch first.
I became an astronaut basically.
See it's training to go to Mars.
Yeah I probably would have died from the first depressurization.
Just aside from that.
Yeah.
Be like Star Lord.
Oh yeah my fucking face all puffed out.
That was the weirdest shit they decided to do.
Yeah I think he would have died in that time.
He's half celestial.
What a bullshit he is.
And they never show that him using anything that's part celestial or anything.
He can't.
He can only do it when he was attached to his dad.
Also that never made any sense either.
In the actual Marvel cinematic universe.
What's his name as a celestial?
Been in the comic books he's not.
Gigo?
MCU?
Yeah it's what I would call a loose adaptation.
Not a hardcore you know what I mean.
You gotta change stuff to fit in a context of live action.
You do but they've made some very...
That's why it's his own universe.
I mean you know they made the shoe hook work so you know 10 out of 10 for me.
Worst CGI in the world.
With that booty shape.
What was it even good CGI?
Hey man I'll watch it all.
I'll repeat.
Something that belongs on Tubi.
Yeah along with that guy fucking splattered out on the side of a god damn convenience
store.
He's just like cut!
Cut!
Before he's like you ain't gonna cut the scene?
No.
No he just fucking drags.
Out of frame.
He's all fucked up.
He's probably out of air too.
He's like eeeh eeeh eeeh.
Have you done that?
Where you fall on your chest and it just knocks the wind out of you?
Only once.
Once?
Yeah.
I'm highly uh as flabby and uncoordinated as I look I'm highly efficient physically.
Oh man as a kid I did it multiple times.
Once I was running and to get it it was back in Mexico and it was the little town we lived
in and this volleyball fell into the street that's the main road into the village and
it curves out so it went into the curve and I'm running and like we're on an elevated
platform like a plaza or just a courtyard and there's this huge fucking swathe of grass
just like just overgrown and I'm running and I'm assuming in my head that the draft
raids down forward.
No that it's like level to the grass uh but when I hit the grass I just fell into open
space so I led into the fucking cobblestones and I did a fucking barrel roll and landed
on my feet and then I fucking walked.
I ran over to the ball like I was I just got my ass beat by 18 people.
That was the only time I've ever been that uh the only time I cut him in the nuts I
was running full speed but the anger overtook the pain because I was gonna fucking throw
him through a play class window.
If my great grandma hadn't been there I'd have fucking killed him.
See I'm thinking of the time whenever I whenever me and my brother would go ride bikes going
25 30 miles an hour and then you hear pebbles that kind of makes them tired they go flying
over the handlebars.
Fools man.
I've done that multiple times in my life.
And then you just like I believe them.
You do fly too where it's like.
When you hit the ground like I believe I can touch the sky.
Yeah that's how I chipped my tooth a long time ago.
I chipped my tooth too but I fell in a pool.
One of those little kiddie pools we had like in our garage.
The fucking floor was super slippery.
I just fucking cracked the shit out of my teeth.
Never feels good people.
Never.
No.
Dennis said it's fine so there you go.
I never say anything about it.
Like you guys don't realize I chipped the shit out of my teeth.
Or is that just normal for you guys?
We see it every day it's fine.
Maybe stop shoving them things down my mouth while I'm you trying to ask me questions.
What am I supposed to say?
But anything else to add before we head out today?
Um.
I just want to say something pithy and inspiring.
I don't you know.
I reach a blank when I get to the stage and all I can tell you is you went in doubt eat
her out.
I don't know.
You have the best advice you can give.
Plus he's so nice you fucked it twice.
I don't know.
Alright we'll talk to you guys next time.