Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 27.
We got a couple of retail stories and we got a couple more today.
I fucked up.
So starting out we have a baby MDMA.
Okay, as far as it goes, I work at a retail chain.
The Saturdays are our biggest and busiest days of the week.
I had a group of older women along with an older man come into my job and I was just
letting them know that we had everything that we had in store.
Super high energy, just trying to have fun and the ladies were matching the vibe.
I told them to let me know if I could help them with anything and let them check out
the merch.
Well, I noticed after about 10 minutes they were pulling props out of the wall.
So I asked them if I could help them and find anything that they didn't.
Repeat that.
So I asked them, because it's the way it's written, so I asked them if I could help them
find anything to which they didn't reply.
I then said, well, let me know if I can help.
And the guy goes, they just want a shop without you yelling at them.
I was so dumbfounded.
It's like, what do I even say to that?
I wanted to say something along the lines of you should just turn down your hearing
aids or yeah, I got paid to be this loud.
But you know, as well as I do that you can't do that.
He made it a point to cover his ears every time I said goodbye to a customer, no matter
how loud, quiet or far away I was from him for the rest of the time he was in the store.
It didn't ruin my vibe or day.
I just thought it was hilarious because I was definitely not being loud considering one,
how busy it was and two, how loud the music was.
So he was a little bitch.
So what, what props would have taken up the wall?
Uh, could be clothes or something like that.
There ain't no telling.
It could be like a boutique shop.
They call them props.
I just call them products.
They can take whatever they want.
Everything is not bolted down.
And they will, they will, they will move some of the shit.
Like, why the fuck are you touching that?
Is this for sale?
Basically.
Yeah.
No, no, it's not.
Uh, next one is by old man and his dog.
This person puts, I was working in a liquor store in Florida.
A guy came to the register with a soft drink.
I guess he thought he was slick and pocketed two bourbon miniatures.
They cost 49 cents each.
I rang up his drink and two liters of the same brand of bourbon, 7.99 each.
He yelled asking, uh, what that was.
And I told him that it was for the two bottles he sold.
He said those were just 49 cent minis.
I told him pay what I rang up or we can let the police see what size he has in his pocket.
He opted for the police screaming.
I was trying to rip him off.
He ended up arrested handcuffed and taken to jail because he was too cheap to pay 98
cents for two shots.
Hmm.
Damn.
Don't steal from liquor stores.
That's just stupid.
Yeah.
It's very, very fucking retarded.
Like there's no reason.
You just bought two full things of it for 7.99.
You can't pay for the two.
Weird.
Itty bitty ones.
Doesn't make no damn sense to me.
All right.
Next one is by, uh, let's see.
Choose name when drunk.
This person puts the customer comes through with a basket full of groceries or chatting
as I scan and bag them.
Get to the end.
It comes to 32 40 me.
That'll be 32 40 cash or card customer or check.
You gotta love the check people.
Yeah.
They don't, they don't hold up the line at all.
No.
And at 45 minutes, right?
Your God dang check.
And the funny thing is that most retail companies that I can think of with checks now, you don't
even have to fill them out.
You just run the barcode along the edge and it does like a debit card would do.
I should try that.
So you don't even have to fill out the full thing.
So this person puts, uh, the customer says, I'm going to give you $50.
Okay.
Me.
Okay.
Hold out my hand.
Customer.
Can I have my change?
Me.
As soon as you pay me, you can't customer.
No, I've been short changed too many times.
I need my change before I give you any cash.
Fuck that.
You give me the money first.
Then you get to change.
That's how, that's how, that's how life works in such a logical sense.
Here, let me give you the money that I owe you before you give me the money that you
owe me.
Sure.
Me.
I need to give you, I need you to give me the cash before I can open the till to give you
your change.
At this point, I still have not actually seen the $50 customer.
You don't even know how much change I need.
Do you?
The customer grabs a bag of groceries off of the counter.
I suspect where this is going and I open the intercom to the office.
Let me, let me, let me try to solve it.
So $50 minus what's the other one?
Uh, 32 40, I think.
I think that's what it was.
Yeah.
32 40.
So $50, 32 40, uh, 16, uh, 16 60.
Yeah.
You want me to give you 17 60.
17 60.
Um, 32 or is it 15?
Wait, 32.
No way.
I thought I completely fucked it up.
My math is wrong.
I've never been good at math.
It was never your strong suits.
I guess you're right.
This is 17 because it would go up to 18.
18 plus 32.
Yep.
You're right.
I would have lost a dollar or not.
What a short and then he would have flipped out a customer.
You don't even know how much change I need.
Do you?
Yes.
Me.
When you give me $50, then I will, you will receive 17 60 and change.
Yay.
Customer, if you know how much it is, give me the change first.
What is his obsession with the boss to the customer always shows up whenever money's
involved cash.
What is he?
Mr. Crabs?
Money, money, money.
I'm sorry.
You need to pay first customer.
Fine.
I'll just put in a card.
Me.
I would.
Yeah.
That's actually a good like, okay, if you keep getting shortchanged, you're not going
to get shortchanged in a card.
Exactly.
Just use your card from now on.
Why is it someone else's responsibility?
Because these people are fucking retarded.
Fucking I guess it's a responsibility to give you the right change.
But like you're telling me like if it's happened, like how many times you've been shortchanged?
Yeah.
You might as well switch the cards.
Yeah.
If you're that horrible about getting your change back.
Like if somehow you're the most unluckiest person in the world that has the worst cash
you've ever dealt with, take the equation out of it and just use your own card.
Yeah.
They can't shortchange you on a card.
No, but people are stupid.
And some people can't even count.
So I just sure can.
I just missed it off.
There's a viral video that's been around for a long time now where it's got the news and
they're talking about car park things.
If like where you pay for parking, where the guy's like, it says that it's a dumb
dollar or for 15 minutes and not for the guy.
Like what is it?
Uh, for a quarter of an hour.
Yeah.
And a quarter of it's, it's not 15 minutes.
It's like, but yeah, it is.
Cause he was thinking about that.
He was thinking about the quarter.
I saw that.
Yeah.
He thought it was supposed to be for 25 and 15.
Cause most people don't know what a quarter of an hour is anymore.
15, 15.
And then he's like, Oh, Oh, please don't put that in.
Please.
Oh God.
He's like, Oh, I'm not stupid.
He just knows you messed up.
Everyone's messes up every once in a while.
Just don't go in with so much conviction.
Hey man, you gotta go in hard.
And if you come out limp, that's your own.
Next one is by a white boy.
The third there's been three of them apparently.
Now we're onto some today.
I fucked up.
So this person puts I work as a camp, a camp counselor for the YMCA and every group leader
has a walkie so we can talk to each other and other group leaders to know where everyone
is at.
Of course, the radio was given was broken.
It had a broken antenna, but I had no clue.
It easily would just fall off and on, but I hadn't touched it.
So I didn't know that.
Well around lunchtime, this third grader named Hunter was standing at about six feet from
me, minding his own business.
When he looked at me and pretending to throw a baseball, I saw him do it.
And I turned into a batter stance and swung my radio by the antenna so hard as I could
as hard as I could like swinging a bat.
Well the radio flew off of the antenna straight towards Hunter and knocked his two front teeth
out.
Oh fuck.
Not only did his teeth come out, but since it hit him square, they shot right down his
throat.
Oh damn.
That is a quite the golden today I fucked up story.
Yeah.
Legit fuck up.
One of them coughed up, but the other one down all the way.
I had to file an accident report and explained to my boss and Hunter's parents what happened
to knock this fucking teeth out.
His mom was so angry and upset at me that she almost wanted to press charges.
His dad told me he wasn't upset and that's one less to buy back as the tooth fairy.
Go figure.
And that's like, well, I mean like how young as a kid, I mean, he gets the third grade.
So what he's, what, when they, what age did the teeth start growing back?
There's probably about that age somewhere.
Baby teeth fall out somewhere.
I hope so.
Cause I mean, well, if his dad's saying that he doesn't have to buy him back as a tooth
fairy, that's what I'm thinking.
Yeah.
Like, uh, all right.
I'd be like, you just knocked out my son's fucking teeth.
Cause what?
Ninth grade is about 14 or 15.
So drop that down by six years.
Damn how young were we?
God dang.
Yeah.
I'm so old.
Yeah.
Cause ninth grade is 14 or 15.
They ain't growing back if they already fully out.
Those bitches knocked out.
He got knocked out young.
Well, okay.
That'd be like six, six years.
Jesus.
That kid must have been like, God dang.
Yeah.
Uh, let's see.
All in all, it wasn't too bad, but I absolutely destroyed what kids teeth, that kid's teeth.
And I pissed off my boss and the kid's mom.
Uh, TLDR.
I accidentally flung my walkie at a third grader's tooth and it fell out and he swallowed
one of them.
Yeah.
You don't have to repeat.
Yeah.
We just, you don't have to summarize the whole God dang.
I don't know why they do that.
It's annoying, but I know.
Next one is by Asura in 1958.
This person puts this happened two months ago, but I am still depressed over this.
I hooked up with a woman who was on the thicker side and I stupidly suggest that we should
do a 69.
Why?
But damn, it's a good way to go.
Because I had a root canal on my front tooth years ago.
And if you guys don't know a root canal tooth without a crown is prone to fracture since
it is very weak because the procedure effectively kills the tooth by removing the pulp, which
is what keeps the tooth strong and alive.
A root canal tooth can be break easily break without a crown.
If it's under a lot of stress, like regular chewing.
Why'd you get a crown then?
So what happened was when she was trying to exit the 69 position after several minutes
of us enjoying it, she sat upright, which caused her to accidentally sit on my face
and the weight and pressure from her ass crack.
Dan, that must have felt good for him.
Cracked my root canal tooth below the gum.
It's a big girl.
Because of that, I now need to remove the tooth and pay around $6,000 plus for a dental
implant, which is going to take seven months for the whole procedure to be done.
And seven months without a front tooth is going to make me really insecure.
So yeah, if any of you guys have a root canal on any of your front teeth, avoid doing 69s
and also take care of your teeth.
Please.
Root canal teeth are fucking weak as hell.
Edit.
I'm not going to do dental tourism guys.
It's too risky, especially for a major procedure.
I have the comments like, why don't you go to Mexico and what have them fucking, I mean,
fucking closed up in a goddamn barrel or to take the kidneys.
You go to sleep for the tooth.
Yeah.
You wake up and he took both your balls.
You're like, Oh man, I'm Mexican.
So believe me, don't go down there for anything.
You type of don't do not go to Mexico for surgery unless you want to get your hair replaced
with fucking gold chains.
Did you see the dumbest shit I've ever seen?
Well, there was that other rapper that put that diamond in his head.
Remember that?
I would love to see him.
And then somebody snatched it.
Yeah.
That's what's going to happen to this guy.
He's going to fucking jump in the crowd and they're going to fucking rip his fucking hair
off.
He's going to be bleeding in front of the head.
Your fans do not love you to the, to such a level that they will not harm you if they
get a chance.
Well, there was a, a video of, I think it was Beyonce where she has some super expensive
sunglasses.
She was doing one of her dance moves and she turned her head real fast and those glasses
went flying and the look on her face was like, fuck.
But she had to keep doing the performance.
All the single ladies.
But she's married, which is funny.
All the single ladies, but she's married.
All the single ladies.
I guess she's not home by herself.
No.
Next one is by exotic situation 743.
I call that a, that is a 69 standing.
This person puts my wife and I sell intimate videos and photos.
Basically, only fans.
Yeah.
Basically we were received requests from customers with their own fetishes and record or photograph
them depending on the price that they are willing to pay.
We've been doing this for three years and we've never had any kind of problem because
we're from the beginning.
We never showed our face or reveal our true identity.
You can do that.
Wait a minute.
You can do not put your foot.
Wait a minute.
I got any career choice.
We sent the video to a client with a foot fetish and shortly after we received a response
from the client saying he knew who we were.
I figured you guys out from your toes.
How I thought I went to check the video and to my amazement, there it was a photo of my
parents that we have next to our sofa, completely visible and uncensored.
Damn.
Now he has, he was been blackmailing me and asking for a huge amount of money.
So as to not reveal our identities.
The problem is that I don't know who the customer is.
Transactions are anonymous and I don't even know if he's telling the truth as it would
be very bad luck for our content to end up in the hands of people we know.
Either way, I think there's no other option but to pay.
Damn.
Or just don't do OnlyFans if you don't want people to know who is doing it.
Yeah.
Don't do it.
That is true.
People, like base it is the detective levels of people on the internet.
Yeah.
They got nothing better to do but to ruin other people's lives.
Yes.
The internet never loses the thing.
They will find where you fucking live by just the fucking glint of the sun light coming
out of your window.
The sound of the wind on trees.
Yes.
That's an oak.
Those only appear in these certain places at a certain time.
Have you seen those videos of those geolocators on YouTube?
Yeah.
Where you can find a fucking plain looking fucking sign with a tree behind it and those
motherfuckers can find out exactly where it is.
There it is.
It's like how the fuck?
Like I get it if it's something that's unique, like a statue or something.
Why can't they use their power for good?
Because that's all I can do.
Let's catch these goddang child predators.
Throw them all in jail.
I know that wouldn't be nice, wouldn't it?
Just find them all.
It's like, yep, I know exactly where he lives by the way that.
Here's his fucking backlog on his computer of all his child pornography.
Six thousand pages.
Put that man in jail.
That would be nice.
We should be able to do that.
Next person, uh, Finos, uh, Finos, P H E N.
What do you say?
Finals.
P H E N.
I thought it was an I at first.
P H E N O L S.
This person puts, I live in a house with one bathroom, which is upstairs.
I woke up from my nap on the couch around 5 p.m., had a day off and really had to pee,
like bad.
Two options.
Sink it is.
Two options to avoid pissing my pants.
Go all the way upstairs to the bathroom, which is about a hundred feet or go 20 feet to the
back door and pee on the free inside my privacy fence.
Obviously I chose the latter.
How bad did he have to pee?
I mean, I can still hold it and make it to the bathroom.
Yeah.
I don't understand.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Like, oh, I headed outside and proceeded to relieve myself on the tree.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed my post-nap evacuation.
Filling.
Ain't nothing like that.
That like real piss.
Well, you're just like, oh, you have to hold on to this, like you gotta hold on to this.
Filling the sun on my face and a member was relaxing.
Suddenly my enjoyment was cut short by a stabbing pain on my Johnson.
I looked down and saw there was a mosquito bite in my shaft.
Oh, fuck.
Rage filled my heart.
Having pain though.
I've never, I've never felt a mosquito bite me anywhere.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm just getting bit.
I feel I've had one on my fucking ball sack.
Like, damn it.
But I've never rage filled my heart as I instinctively slapped a little asshole.
So he just slapped his cock failing to connect the dots in my head.
As my hand was speeding towards not only the ill fated mosquito, but also my family jewels
due to my post-nap brain fog.
My reaction was not fast enough to stop the assault on my genitals.
That was about to take place.
My hand connected with extreme prejudice on both the mosquito and my exposed meat stick.
I simultaneously cried out in pain and dropped like a sack of potatoes.
I stayed there for five minutes reevaluating all my life choices to this point.
Oh, come on.
You've been hitting the balls before.
I don't drop down.
I once ran into my cousin's knee full speed.
Oh, I fucking threw him across the fucking sofa.
I didn't fucking crumble in a heap.
I can take a nut shot.
They fucking hurt.
So the pedophiles are not a pedophile.
Somebody that's enjoying it.
Slap.
It's like ball torture.
You never slept a dick before.
Slap your own dick.
No.
Boom.
Get that shit.
Get that shit ready to go.
Give it a back hand for a little extra fucking added.
I've said too much.
Next one is by the real big JC22.
This person puts Thursday, my dumb ass woke up late and missed the bus into town.
No.
So I waited for the next bus into town and all of a sudden.
He tracked in a town called Amberwood or Amberwhatever.
Amberhead.
So I waited for the next bus into town and all the rotten weeks I had to make a poo poo,
but I couldn't just turn back home and make poop.
My bus was coming.
I couldn't hold it and yet my dumb ass had to hold it.
I held my shit pipe on the bus all the way to the bus terminal and whenever I finally
let that doodoo and went to wipe, I had a big time blood and shit on the toilet paper
on top of a pocket blood clot on the toilet paper.
I literally tried to go through the day, paying no attention to the fact I was bleeding near
my asshole.
When I made it home, I took a shower because I felt dirty and put on fresh pajamas.
When my aunt made dinner and I sat down on the chair and Jesus H. Christ it looked like
I sat on cherries and stained the poor chair.
I ate dinner and my aunt took me to the hospital.
Nearly seven fucking hours of waiting in the hospital and my bleeding stopped while I waited.
When I finally got to see the doctor, he told me it wasn't anything serious, it was a hemorrhoid.
But my dumb ass had to wait an hour and a half more just for the nurse to give me a
pill and my discharge papers.
I don't recommend waiting in the emergency room while bleeding out of the asshole because
with all due respect, emergency room workers really don't act like the namesake whenever
they're part of that hospital.
Emergency.
Hey man, an emergency or emergency, if it's an emergency you take an ambulance.
Do not just walk to the emergency room, but believe me, you'll spend like 15 hours waiting.
For nothing.
Real emergency requires an ambulance.
There's a tip for you.
If it's really emergency, you need an ambulance, they will get you immediate help.
Don't go to the emergency room on your own.
Because they're not going to look at you seriously with it.
No.
I mean, there's a life tip for you.
I guarantee it.
I mean, I've been into emergency rooms for my job whenever I go into them and I've seen
a dude that had a spike through his hand.
So there you go.
And he's just sitting there waiting.
It's not bleeding.
But if you take an ambulance, they'll get you immediately to whatever doctor you need.
Yes they will.
So if it's an emergency and also do not hold your shits like that.
If you really, really, really have to go, just go.
Also don't piss on a tree outside.
Just fucking go.
Just take a shit.
Yeah, it's not worth all the hassle.
Really isn't.
But anything else before we head out for today?
Try it with the last time I hit my dick.
No, it's just fun.
You give it a little smack while it's hard.
Ask the grassy girl to slap it real quick.
No, you're supposed to slap her with it.
Nah, what weight could I get behind a slap?
If I slap it between her titties, maybe pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
No, you cock slap them.
There's a difference.
Yeah.
You don't slap it, it slaps them.
I slap it, it slaps them, it's all slapping.
I'll slap it all the time.
But with that, we'll see you guys on the next one.