Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 26.
We got some more today I fucked ups.
Just for no way.
He might learn some new words, maybe learn some new things, who knows.
Maybe rattle his entire existence.
Mental state.
First one is by spacedout1024.
They put
I used to be a general manager at a chain restaurant.
One afternoon I was home from work, stoned, and feeling frisky and sent my husband a booty
pick when I was getting in the shower.
I never realized he never replied because I was stoned.
Three days later I was doing orientation with a new hire.
He arrives in high heels and fake nails.
He gives me a hug and proceeds to tell me he's really sorry for not replying, but thought
because he was newly hired it was okay to talk in person.
It's not that he's trying to reject me, but he's gay and not interested in women.
At first I was confused because I obviously had gathered there was some flair to his sexuality
when we were married at the time.
I said this was an inclusive workplace and he will feel right at home.
He then proceeds to say he was confused because I sent him that picture.
And cue my absolute horror as it all begins coming together that my husband never replied
because I sent the picture to the poor sweet gay kid.
All that dung under the line.
Have you ever had an epiphany?
Yeah, I have.
But are you sure you've had one?
Yes.
For everyone, an epiphany is basically the easiest way to explain it is a sudden intuitive
understanding.
You know in those scenes where they show a light bulb going off in people's head?
That is 100% accurate.
It is truly one of the most phenomenal.
I've only had an epiphany one time because I overthink a lot.
So I come to the conclusion out of brute force.
But when it all just like convalesces in your head naturally and you get hit with an epiphany,
you're like wait, it all makes sense.
Watch American Vandal on Netflix, I believe, season two.
American Vandal was a mockumentary about these high school kids who were trying to, in the
first season, they were trying to help this guy, this other kid, who was like classified
as like the school deadbeat or bully or whatever.
And he was framed for drawing dick pictures with spray paint on everyone's cars.
So he got expelled for it or something.
So they were trying to solve who really did it.
And it's a comedy mockumentary, so it's supposed to pretend to be real.
Season two had another story.
The first season, they published a documentary apparently, and season two was them being
so popular from the documentary they got invited to this other school to find out who has been
leaking fake, all this stuff from people's information from their phones to the rest
of the school.
Like it was dick pics and nude pics and fucking emails and stuff.
And the very last episode or the episode before that, he's like, so who could have access
to everyone's phone?
And like he said that, right?
Like boom, it hit me.
I wasn't even thinking about who it was.
I was just listening to what they were saying.
And I was like, wait, there's only one person that access to all their phones.
And lo and behold, it was like a second later, like you said, it was that guy.
That's beautiful.
She just said, she just connected the dots.
If you never had an epiphany, and you say you did, you're probably lying.
Because an epiphany is truly...
It doesn't happen every few minutes.
It is profound.
I knew immediately who it was.
In the back of my brain, it connected the dots for me and it just shoved them to the
front of my head.
It was fucking beautiful.
I had to smoke a cigarette after that.
This is four years ago and I'm lying awake at 10 30 PM.
We live in the embarrassment right now.
Yeah, I feel for her.
Some people never forget their most embarrassing moments.
Especially when you're having a lot of fun, right, like remember that time you did that
one thing, you're like, oh, fuck the fun.
All right.
Next one is by Catalina icon.
Catalina wine mixer.
This person puts, I had a 24 year old male love my girlfriend.
Twenty five.
She is so beautiful.
I don't know why I just don't like read it.
I was like, I am this age and this is personal.
Just tell me the damn story.
Yeah, I know.
I'll infer from there.
If it's bad or not.
Yeah.
You say what age are they?
Like yeah, like when I asked what age that's when the suspicious stuff.
But if it's one of those to just tell the story where they put the parentheses with
their and they're like, I don't care.
I looked at something really bad that you need to know the age of.
Yeah, I've seen a couple of those.
But most stories are just stories.
Yeah, I've never loved anyone.
I assume you're of legal age.
Let's hope.
Yes.
I've never loved anyone as much as I love her.
And I believe the feeling is mutual.
Wait two years.
Maybe on her end until today.
You see, I was in bed this morning while working on something and asked her to pick out a shirt
for me to wear.
She brought me one of her shirts as a joke, but wanted me to put it on as I was putting
it on.
She's putting the shirt on.
She was scared that I'd stretch it.
I told her, I think it'll be fine.
You have big arms, too.
You dumb son of a bitch.
Terrible mistake.
I meant to say it's my arms aren't much bigger and it should be fine.
I don't know.
Even that sounds bad.
I was just trying to say I won't stretch it and I didn't.
I'm wearing it right now.
I tried explaining that I misspoke and that she's perfect and her arms aren't big, but
it was too late.
It's always too late, sir.
She cried and told me how self-conscious she was about her body right now because her medication
has made her gain some weight this year.
I want to out the toothpaste back into the tube, but I fear it's too late.
She seems fine now, but I know she'll probably never forget this.
I want her to feel beautiful.
How can I fix this?
You know, TikTok assumes that I really like muscular women.
I mean, they're not wrong.
I'm going to say, are they wrong?
Like muscle mommies.
They just can't get enough.
That's what you even know the name for.
Of course.
I'm a dignified pervert.
I'm a gentleman pervert.
Muscle mommies.
Muscle mommies, muscle barbies, whichever one you want to say.
I'm just like, huh, just keep showing me the same ones.
I bet you don't.
Are you searching for them?
No, like it's because it's basically a feed, right?
You just go up.
Yeah.
And so like every time one of them pops up, it's like, well, I guess I'll be here for
a few minutes and then I'll move on.
So the algorithm's like, well, you need to see some more of that same one.
You liked it.
So, you know.
I watched it.
I never go to their page.
I just keep moving.
Yeah.
And I was like, man, and there was one with like this.
Damn, she was, she was just thick and she was just like, like just, and then she was
had like, like a sundress on with like the shoulders that were showing.
And she's like, her back's like, God, you never know what you're into until it comes
into your face.
You're like, well, I like this.
I do enjoy this all of a sudden.
All right.
Next one.
And as you know, it starts with the face for me.
Yeah.
And after that, it's like, like everything else, you know what I mean?
It's like a bonus.
So when I saw her face, I was like, wow.
And then I saw that.
I'm like, oh, wow.
You sure are strong.
Can you open this can of pickles for me, ma'am?
Can you reach up and grab something for me?
Can you do a couple of squats over me while I sit?
She probably could.
I'm sweating.
I feel the vapors.
Next one is by optimal emu 142.
This person puts, so our office has a designated heads down room that is like a library for
deep work.
Barely anyone ever uses it because the chairs are super uncomfortable.
So most early mornings, I just would get the chairs.
So most early mornings, I have the whole space to myself to Zen out and prep the day.
And I must have a hard ass.
Yeah.
I'm a person.
I don't know if it's a matter of life.
It's a guy.
I also tend to think out loud whenever I'm alone and I, I had a big meeting coming up
and was really getting into preparing for it, drawing notes, muttering about possible
responses and just generally in my flow state, feeling completely relaxed and clicking.
Also I have a sensitive digestion.
And so my rush breakfast plus feeling nervous about the meeting meant the tummy was a, was
a talking.
And so to release some of the abdominal pressure, I did what any human does afforded.
You gotta be a real careful.
Like you gotta make sure like this could be a silent part.
It's going to clap my cheeks.
We'll come before, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like for some reason in public, like your body knows.
Oh, it already knows.
So sometimes it's like, we'll go quiet stealth mode.
So it's like, but like when you're home, it's like,
I do fucking like 10 pound hams just slapping each other.
Just slapping ass.
Yeah.
The cheeks just vibrate.
But like when you're like, but then, but sometimes it's like, you can't like it just like when
you're like, it just has to be noisy.
Even in public.
It's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
It's not like a trumpet.
Yeah.
It's not big, not record breaking, but distinctive, consistent, solid butt puffs, beautifully
articulated amplified by the uncomfortable molded plastic chair I was sitting on.
What a noise it makes.
Pressed up against a hardwood chair.
Like the popping sound.
Oh yeah.
It's like, it's like almost like airtight.
Oh God.
Didn't even think of that.
And multiples.
Where it rides up your back.
Oh God.
Okay.
It's shit.
Like a fart bubble up your back.
All the while never breaking my train of thought and continually muttering about how that meeting
was going to go.
I definitely thought I was alone.
I was not.
Who's slurring here?
I'm a few minutes later after my third rectal vent.
Oh my God.
Three parts.
There was a shuffling sound behind me to my left and a guy started to get up to leave
looking incredibly annoyed.
No, I gasped.
Nasty motherfucker.
He was not wearing headphones and I immediately realized with horror what had happened.
Then being the double down awkward that I am, I asked, have you been there this whole
time?
He says, yep.
He replied, not smiling then left.
I'm pretty sure I'd find the new job.
Now.
I'd be laughing my ass off if it was farting.
Farting is hilarious.
Well, if you sat down in front of somebody, not knowing they're behind there, just blowing
cheeks the entire time.
Oh, were you here the entire time?
I'm like, huh?
Who's farting?
Like that old man that farted at a half price books right in front of me.
Like I had to hold my laugh until he left and I was like, well, I was rolling.
You'll like the name of this next person.
Golf thick.
MILF 666.
Golf thick?
I have to write that down.
Golf thick.
She's a girl.
She's a got girl.
That's a thick.
Is it CC or CK?
CC.
So she's thick.
MILF.
666.
I'll take it all.
MILF.
GILF.
That's pretty much all I see.
I've heard one recently that was funny.
Damn it.
I can't remember what it was now.
I'll think of it later.
All right.
So she puts a spiteful pregnancy test or I guess it's him.
A spiteful pregnancy test turned into quite a surprise when we found out that my partner
was pregnant and seven months along.
I intentionally left out the ages for you.
Wait.
So this is a guy's account and he decided to be goth thick?
Because that might be what he likes.
My man.
Man after my own heart.
And seven months along.
That's a story for another time.
Anyways, her OBGYN put her on iron and blood pressure medication.
OBGYN.
And gave her stool softeners because constipation could be a side effect of the medications
they gave her.
Well, I felt a little backed up the other day.
I usually struggle in the bathroom if we're being honest.
So I decided what's the harm in taking a pregnancy strength stool softener?
A lot of harm actually.
They're not chemically balanced for you.
Is what I'm assuming.
So nothing happened that night.
Thought they were a fluke and went to bed.
I woke up and was fine for a while.
Felt ready to tackle the day until a fever hit and I started sweating.
Started shivering.
You know, you know how we show that like in like a short film form?
So he takes the pill, right?
Right.
And like the sequence will be like throughout the, from when he took it to the rest of the
day until he goes to bed.
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, right?
And so he wakes up that morning, he gets out of bed, right?
And then out of the door, some guy comes in like, guess what, motherfucker?
And he punches him in the gut because that person signifies the shit coming.
So the door just busts open, guess what, motherfucker?
And he's just, oh shit.
That's I'm gonna write up, I'm gonna do that.
That was a good one.
I'm gonna take that story and make a short film.
Guess what, you son of a bitch?
It just fucking catches him in the fucking stomach.
Started shivering.
I felt like I was encroaching on death's doorstep.
The gates of Mordor were upon me.
My stomach rumbled and as a construction worker who was thankfully there that had a working
bathroom on my job site.
Oh, having at work?
When he started working, yeah.
I have to change it.
Well, I don't have to change it because the story would be my own spin off.
I had started a vicious cycle of expelling my immune system.
Oh God.
It happened 15 minutes before I went to lunch.
15 times.
I'm sorry, it happened 15 times before I went to lunch.
So he shit 15 times?
How much shit?
There's not enough shit in any man's body.
15 shits after that point, just shit in there.
15 times.
On the way home, I had to stop twice to use the restroom.
Another two.
Even after I had stopped shitting my brains out, I felt like a soldier coming home from
war.
I'm pretty sure my asshole wasn't destroyed.
I think I'm coming down sick because my entire immune system has left me.
It looks like a Wikipedia light and crackers for me.
Jesus, man.
Don't take a pregnancy.
Still a flop in there.
Yeah, laxative because them shits is for real.
Next one is by Inkelberg Humperdinck.
I'm Ted Dimadome.
Don't know this.
Tim's El Dimadome.
This person puts.
So here we go for a bit of context.
Here we go.
I am just about to finish a hellish 112 hour work week.
I am truly exhausted.
112 hours.
Holy shit.
That's a bunch of double shifts.
That's a bunch.
He just leave the work that week.
It's actually some of them are triple shifts.
God almighty.
Falling asleep spontaneously throughout the day.
Sometimes with my eyes open.
My diet has just been awful and I haven't been able to look after myself at all.
I'm just going to go to sleep.
I'm going to sleep.
I can't look after myself at all.
Long story short, my body is in tatters.
In tatters.
Good way to say it.
So this morning, I rise at my usual time and I feel I can go to the gym, you know.
Try and get a bit of normality back in my routine.
I head to the kitchen.
I was better at shape.
I just do calisthenics.
Some squats, some push ups, some running.
I mean, if people like the gym, they like the gym.
I head to the kitchen and have some breakfast and guzzle down a double scoop of pre-workout
to help get me going.
As I leave, I throw away the containers from last night's takeaway.
Not a muscle mommy's at the gym, actually.
I'm not going to rethink this.
Remember this will be important for later.
I hit the gym.
I feel like death.
But I push through as best I can and call it when my little tummy starts to tell me
it's not well down there, boss.
I listen to my body and I head home.
I make it to the toilet.
I'm real tired, boss.
The caffeine and the motivation have worn off and there I sit upon my throne.
My ass falling apart like wet newspaper, tears in my eyes.
It's okay, dude.
One more day and you have a break.
You can rest tomorrow, I tell myself.
I look at the shower.
I've been on the toilet for nearly 20 minutes.
My legs are dead.
But I have to flush the honey chili chicken, silly amounts of coffee, and pre-workout fueled
mess I have created.
I must make it to the shower.
She just melts through the fucking porcelain.
I can wash off this filthy feeling and get back to bed for an hour.
I finish my ablutions.
I wave goodbye to the contents of my haggard body as I make my way to the shower.
But what's this?
An itch in my nose?
My left nostril, to be more specific.
Without thinking, I jam my little finger up there to get a good dig at it.
I smell.
What's that?
No, it can't be.
It dawns on me.
The all too familiar smell of shit.
What, did he just shove a piece of shit up his nose?
I look at my finger in disbelief.
I wash my hands.
How is this happening?
A streak, nay, a nugget of poop with the consistency of hot tar has been lodged into my nostril.
Jesus, that must be fucking, that must be quite the smell.
My eyes begin to burn.
Remember the chili chicken takeaway?
God dang.
Can I smell it, you ask?
We've gone way beyond smell.
I can fucking taste it.
I wretch.
But not too loudly.
My partner is asleep.
And God forbid I wake her because I have wedged my own shit up my nose.
She rushes to the bathroom.
What happened to my shit in my nose?
Frantically, I get to the shower head and body wash.
I try to flush out the dirt from my poor nostril.
I finish my shower, but I am shaken.
Here I lie in bed.
My nostril burning from the clean up and the strong sense of disgust washing over me.
I've got chili in my eye before, who hasn't?
Hell, I've even managed to get a little bit of toothpaste in my eye before.
But this, this is a new one.
Chili now.
I feel like a literal shit brain zombie.
Have a blessed Monday, internet people.
Make sure to wash your hands.
You know why I never have chili on my eyes or anywhere?
Because I once saw this movie called Apollo 18, I think.
And it was like, like apparently something happened in a, like this guy was telling a
story how he, he was chopping chili peppers.
They went to the bathroom to take a piss and he grabbed his dick while his hands were still
covered in the juices of the chili pepper and burned his dick.
So ever since then, I always, anytime like I have that conscious mental image of like
no God dang way I'm going to have fucking chili on my God dang penis.
So anytime I'm anywhere near chili, it would be at hot Cheetos, anything hot.
I always wash my hands before I pee.
Yeah.
You don't want that burning.
You don't want it to feel like fly up.
Yeah.
Cause apparently he said like the only solution was to pour milk on it.
I'm like, nah, I'm good.
Yeah.
I don't want to be pouring milk on my dick.
Imagine any movie can teach you something.
Yeah.
And to this day, I've never had any, any chili on my eyes or my penis.
My asshole, sure.
You know, when you eat something, I should burst out your ass.
Well, apparently that's what happened to him.
Yeah.
Only he got the nuggets stuck up in there.
They're not, nuggets surprisingly show up out of nowhere.
They're elusive as fuck.
All right.
The next one is by throw away awkwardness, but he uses two fives at the end.
I wish you could throw away my awkwardness.
I'd be the mother greatest man alive.
This person puts dragon fruit is a pretty popular exotic fruit.
Some are as fuck too.
Yeah, they are.
Some are attracted to it by the bright colors it comes in.
Some by the not too overpowering, but nice sweet taste.
Others by pure curiosity to try something new.
Yellow dragon fruit is pretty difficult to find.
You know, dried green, uh, uh, even on cream, green cactus, uh, pears.
Yeah, they are delicious.
It's a Mexican thing.
They don't need, I just ate some today.
You're talking about the pair of leaves.
No green cactus bears, the pair itself.
Uh, it is a pair that grows on a cactus.
Okay.
I know what you're talking about around instead of flat.
You don't want the green cactus leaves.
No, man.
I hate that shit.
I know by this, I can't stand that shit.
They sell it in every Mexican.
Yeah.
They also sell those fucking band-aids, there's such a huge difference in texture and flavor.
Yeah.
It's weird.
They come from the same plant.
Cause I was going to say the leaves aren't that great.
No, they're fucking disgusting.
But the green cactus pairs go to the store down south where I just came from.
Six for a dollar.
At least see also.
Uh, yellow dragon fruit is pretty difficult to find, usually as the white and pink varieties
are much more commonly sold.
However, you bet your ass that I grabbed myself some whenever I found a pack of yellow
dragon fruits.
The only ones I haven't tried will shopping.
Life's too short not to learn to cook.
Yeah, it is.
I was excited to try.
I tried as I had heard that the taste is much more vibrant than the other killers.
Now beforehand, I'd seen many TikTok videos of people saying, do not eat.
I whole one due to the fact that they are pretty hefty natural laxative.
However, fuck.
All the videos I have seen of people warning of this had eaten whole large varieties of
the fruit.
Well, the ones I had were small and probably half of the size of the white and pink ones
I have tried before.
Probably just a higher concentrated version of the vernacular at that point.
And I've never had any bowel issues with those kinds.
I consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach.
I will try any food once I eat blue stakes, 30 seconds sear on each side.
Blue stakes.
Yeah.
And we'll eat lamb medium rare to rare.
I mean, you fucking vampire.
I know I'm invincible when it comes to food.
No little fruit is going to change that.
Oh God, I was wrong.
I ate the whole yellow dragon fruit.
It was delicious.
That was about three and a half hours ago.
All was well until my stomach began to develop.
Guess what?
Motherfucker.
The guy comes back.
Guess what?
Motherfucker.
I'm gonna do a whole series.
My stomach began to develop that strange sensation a short while ago.
Everyone has experienced when it's time to excrete your digested food.
Nothing too desperate.
I'll finish when I'm currently reading up on my phone and then head to the toilet.
By the time I stand up, there's a small sense of urgency.
By the time I make it to the bathroom, that urgency is insisting that it's time to sit
on that porcelain throne now.
Oh man.
Sometimes like you sometimes like it hits you, right?
You're like, oh man, I might not make it.
That's a scary feeling.
I might not make this one.
They'll have to clean shit out of their fucking drawers.
Nobody wants to do that.
I'm throwing these out.
Exactly.
Trash can.
Now, no sooner than my ass cheeks hit the seat, does the ordeal begin.
Molten hot lava explodes from my insides.
Why is it always hot?
It's always the worst if they're fucking boiling.
Although super cold would not probably be great either.
Oh yeah, it's a shiver down your spine.
You know those cold winter mornings when you can be settled on the toilet?
My bowels are in a state of pure torture and my anus becomes a ring of pure fire.
By the time the first round is over, I'm practically gasping for breath.
The relief in my stomach is immense, but little do I know it isn't over yet.
Surprise mother fucker.
Round two begins and I fear that it will, that I will take off like a rocket if it doesn't
end soon.
I feel responsible for 99.9% of greenhouse gas emissions in the world as I suffocate
in the air filled with my own stench.
I sit on the toilet, expelling every single tiny seed and bit of juice from that dragon
fruit.
God dang.
Staying on my seat for a good 10 minutes after I finally end, just in case another bowel
decides to hit.
Wiping is torture.
Imagine laying your stinger ringer on a pit of hot goals and then scooting it across sandpaper.
Stinger ringer.
That's why you use wet wipes.
It feels so good.
Make sure to put a little water on them.
They feel even better.
It's a pain enough to make a grown man cry, that grown man beating myself.
When it's finally over, I stand up and turn around to see what demon of the deepest pits
of hell has just left my body.
I feel truly pity and empathy for those people involved in the swamp of dogabaw incident
as I hold my breath, desperate to escape the mess I made.
It takes three full flushes, three whole toilet tanks, to finally rid the toilet of the beasts
that I have left behind.
Jesus, four of them?
God dang, they must have been a monster.
I wash my hands as many times as I can before I finally feel clean and leave.
The water seems to make it stronger instead of flushing it away.
Shutting the door firmly behind me and desperately hoping that no one else uses the restroom
for at least the rest of the day, whilst the evil nostril destroying stench dissipates.
The moral of the story, and I mean never, eat a whole yellow dragon fruit.
It's not worth it.
It is never going to be worth it.
Save yourself whilst you can.
It's too late for me.
All I can do is hope that my message can get across to whatever poor soul may need to hear
it.
Too late for you?
I mean it's over.
You're fine.
Unless it rearranges his fucking bowel cycle.
Just, ah.
Every time he touches his fruit, he just shits himself.
That's possible.
That's a good dragon fruit, huh?
That powerful concentrated laxative.
Yeah.
Damn.
Be careful about that.
This is the person that eats raw lamb almost.
Yeah, that's wild.
Raw?
God dang.
Might as well just like snap his neck and drain the blood for yourself.
Well, that's blood for me.
God made fire for a reason.
Okay, cook your food.
Yes, mostly pork.
Whoever did, pork and chicken, like pork and poultry.
If there's anybody that's stupid enough to give you partially raw like chicken.
You mean able enough?
And then raw pork, the same thing.
Pork can have certain things in it that, like parasites.
That when you cook it fully, you would never know.
Right.
If you watch Black Mirror, it also has a full male penis inside of it when he fucked a pig.
You ever see that episode?
Yeah.
I was like, man, what a shit job he got.
Yeah.
And he was, he was like, it wasn't like two hours he was fucking it.
Cause he couldn't.
Oh God.
Oh my days ruined.
You know what we should do?
You ruined my day today.
You know what we should do is we should go deep sea fishing.
I want to catch me a big old fish.
Yeah.
Good luck with that.
You're not getting my ass out in the middle of the ocean.
Oh, come on now.
Hell no.
Adventure.
Adventure my ass.
Send me to space.
Let's go fight Cthulhu.
I know you're talking to me about deep sea and stuff like that.
You're the first one that would cry if you see Cthulhu.
Don't need to cry.
He's gonna get these hands from the little man, the little PI, the knee high PI.
Hank didn't go, only except cases from women.
But anything else that before we head out?
Nah.
That was a nice, a simple day that hasn't completely rearranged my entire metal mainframe.
I thought I would give you a little bit lighter day today.
Yeah.
I've truly taken him to my absolute core.
Alright.
We'll see you guys on the next one.
This one's a lie.