1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:14,200 Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 26. 2 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,200 We got some more today I fucked ups. 3 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,400 Just for no way. 4 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:23,060 He might learn some new words, maybe learn some new things, who knows. 5 00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:25,720 Maybe rattle his entire existence. 6 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,680 Mental state. 7 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:33,720 First one is by spacedout1024. 8 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:34,720 They put 9 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,580 I used to be a general manager at a chain restaurant. 10 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:42,040 One afternoon I was home from work, stoned, and feeling frisky and sent my husband a booty 11 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:46,440 pick when I was getting in the shower. 12 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:50,040 I never realized he never replied because I was stoned. 13 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,680 Three days later I was doing orientation with a new hire. 14 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,200 He arrives in high heels and fake nails. 15 00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:00,320 He gives me a hug and proceeds to tell me he's really sorry for not replying, but thought 16 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:04,760 because he was newly hired it was okay to talk in person. 17 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:09,360 It's not that he's trying to reject me, but he's gay and not interested in women. 18 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:14,760 At first I was confused because I obviously had gathered there was some flair to his sexuality 19 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:19,360 when we were married at the time. 20 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:23,840 I said this was an inclusive workplace and he will feel right at home. 21 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:28,000 He then proceeds to say he was confused because I sent him that picture. 22 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:34,440 And cue my absolute horror as it all begins coming together that my husband never replied 23 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,160 because I sent the picture to the poor sweet gay kid. 24 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,640 All that dung under the line. 25 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,600 Have you ever had an epiphany? 26 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,480 Yeah, I have. 27 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,240 But are you sure you've had one? 28 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,240 Yes. 29 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:55,560 For everyone, an epiphany is basically the easiest way to explain it is a sudden intuitive 30 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,120 understanding. 31 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,560 You know in those scenes where they show a light bulb going off in people's head? 32 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,480 That is 100% accurate. 33 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:07,920 It is truly one of the most phenomenal. 34 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:12,000 I've only had an epiphany one time because I overthink a lot. 35 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,200 So I come to the conclusion out of brute force. 36 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:21,040 But when it all just like convalesces in your head naturally and you get hit with an epiphany, 37 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:24,880 you're like wait, it all makes sense. 38 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:31,720 Watch American Vandal on Netflix, I believe, season two. 39 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:37,560 American Vandal was a mockumentary about these high school kids who were trying to, in the 40 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:42,600 first season, they were trying to help this guy, this other kid, who was like classified 41 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,320 as like the school deadbeat or bully or whatever. 42 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:52,880 And he was framed for drawing dick pictures with spray paint on everyone's cars. 43 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,320 So he got expelled for it or something. 44 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:59,080 So they were trying to solve who really did it. 45 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:03,480 And it's a comedy mockumentary, so it's supposed to pretend to be real. 46 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,920 Season two had another story. 47 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:12,080 The first season, they published a documentary apparently, and season two was them being 48 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:16,320 so popular from the documentary they got invited to this other school to find out who has been 49 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:22,120 leaking fake, all this stuff from people's information from their phones to the rest 50 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,120 of the school. 51 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:27,480 Like it was dick pics and nude pics and fucking emails and stuff. 52 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:34,640 And the very last episode or the episode before that, he's like, so who could have access 53 00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,840 to everyone's phone? 54 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,400 And like he said that, right? 55 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,200 Like boom, it hit me. 56 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,760 I wasn't even thinking about who it was. 57 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,240 I was just listening to what they were saying. 58 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,320 And I was like, wait, there's only one person that access to all their phones. 59 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,840 And lo and behold, it was like a second later, like you said, it was that guy. 60 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,840 That's beautiful. 61 00:03:54,840 --> 00:04:01,280 She just said, she just connected the dots. 62 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:05,040 If you never had an epiphany, and you say you did, you're probably lying. 63 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,440 Because an epiphany is truly... 64 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,080 It doesn't happen every few minutes. 65 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,960 It is profound. 66 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,480 I knew immediately who it was. 67 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,560 In the back of my brain, it connected the dots for me and it just shoved them to the 68 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:19,560 front of my head. 69 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:20,560 It was fucking beautiful. 70 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,240 I had to smoke a cigarette after that. 71 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,520 This is four years ago and I'm lying awake at 10 30 PM. 72 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,120 We live in the embarrassment right now. 73 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,080 Yeah, I feel for her. 74 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,800 Some people never forget their most embarrassing moments. 75 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,800 Especially when you're having a lot of fun, right, like remember that time you did that 76 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:44,240 one thing, you're like, oh, fuck the fun. 77 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,680 All right. 78 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,200 Next one is by Catalina icon. 79 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,880 Catalina wine mixer. 80 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,440 This person puts, I had a 24 year old male love my girlfriend. 81 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:55,560 Twenty five. 82 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:56,560 She is so beautiful. 83 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,600 I don't know why I just don't like read it. 84 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,920 I was like, I am this age and this is personal. 85 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,240 Just tell me the damn story. 86 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,240 Yeah, I know. 87 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,000 I'll infer from there. 88 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,600 If it's bad or not. 89 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,600 Yeah. 90 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,200 You say what age are they? 91 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,840 Like yeah, like when I asked what age that's when the suspicious stuff. 92 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:18,080 But if it's one of those to just tell the story where they put the parentheses with 93 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,680 their and they're like, I don't care. 94 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,200 I looked at something really bad that you need to know the age of. 95 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,720 Yeah, I've seen a couple of those. 96 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,280 But most stories are just stories. 97 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,120 Yeah, I've never loved anyone. 98 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,640 I assume you're of legal age. 99 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:31,640 Let's hope. 100 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:32,640 Yes. 101 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,640 Yes. 102 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,640 I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. 103 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,280 And I believe the feeling is mutual. 104 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,360 Wait two years. 105 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,440 Maybe on her end until today. 106 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,800 You see, I was in bed this morning while working on something and asked her to pick out a shirt 107 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,080 for me to wear. 108 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:50,040 She brought me one of her shirts as a joke, but wanted me to put it on as I was putting 109 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:51,040 it on. 110 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,080 She's putting the shirt on. 111 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,400 She was scared that I'd stretch it. 112 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,800 I told her, I think it'll be fine. 113 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,800 You have big arms, too. 114 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,640 You dumb son of a bitch. 115 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:01,640 Terrible mistake. 116 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:06,040 I meant to say it's my arms aren't much bigger and it should be fine. 117 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,040 I don't know. 118 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,040 Even that sounds bad. 119 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,560 I was just trying to say I won't stretch it and I didn't. 120 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,000 I'm wearing it right now. 121 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:17,400 I tried explaining that I misspoke and that she's perfect and her arms aren't big, but 122 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,400 it was too late. 123 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,040 It's always too late, sir. 124 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:25,280 She cried and told me how self-conscious she was about her body right now because her medication 125 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,920 has made her gain some weight this year. 126 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:35,280 I want to out the toothpaste back into the tube, but I fear it's too late. 127 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,120 She seems fine now, but I know she'll probably never forget this. 128 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,600 I want her to feel beautiful. 129 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,600 How can I fix this? 130 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,600 You know, TikTok assumes that I really like muscular women. 131 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,600 I mean, they're not wrong. 132 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,560 I'm going to say, are they wrong? 133 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:52,560 Like muscle mommies. 134 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,560 They just can't get enough. 135 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,560 That's what you even know the name for. 136 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,560 Of course. 137 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:56,560 I'm a dignified pervert. 138 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:57,560 I'm a gentleman pervert. 139 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:58,560 Muscle mommies. 140 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:03,560 Muscle mommies, muscle barbies, whichever one you want to say. 141 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,960 I'm just like, huh, just keep showing me the same ones. 142 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,440 I bet you don't. 143 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,160 Are you searching for them? 144 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,440 No, like it's because it's basically a feed, right? 145 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,440 You just go up. 146 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,440 Yeah. 147 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,040 And so like every time one of them pops up, it's like, well, I guess I'll be here for 148 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,720 a few minutes and then I'll move on. 149 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,320 So the algorithm's like, well, you need to see some more of that same one. 150 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,320 You liked it. 151 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,320 So, you know. 152 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,320 I watched it. 153 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:24,320 I never go to their page. 154 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,320 I just keep moving. 155 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,320 Yeah. 156 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,600 And I was like, man, and there was one with like this. 157 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:37,400 Damn, she was, she was just thick and she was just like, like just, and then she was 158 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:41,560 had like, like a sundress on with like the shoulders that were showing. 159 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:47,480 And she's like, her back's like, God, you never know what you're into until it comes 160 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:48,480 into your face. 161 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,480 You're like, well, I like this. 162 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,480 I do enjoy this all of a sudden. 163 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:53,480 All right. 164 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,480 Next one. 165 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,920 And as you know, it starts with the face for me. 166 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:58,920 Yeah. 167 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,680 And after that, it's like, like everything else, you know what I mean? 168 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:01,960 It's like a bonus. 169 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,600 So when I saw her face, I was like, wow. 170 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:04,600 And then I saw that. 171 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,360 I'm like, oh, wow. 172 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,360 You sure are strong. 173 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:12,320 Can you open this can of pickles for me, ma'am? 174 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,720 Can you reach up and grab something for me? 175 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:18,120 Can you do a couple of squats over me while I sit? 176 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,800 She probably could. 177 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,800 I'm sweating. 178 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:22,800 I feel the vapors. 179 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:29,960 Next one is by optimal emu 142. 180 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:36,320 This person puts, so our office has a designated heads down room that is like a library for 181 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,480 deep work. 182 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,200 Barely anyone ever uses it because the chairs are super uncomfortable. 183 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,640 So most early mornings, I just would get the chairs. 184 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:50,040 So most early mornings, I have the whole space to myself to Zen out and prep the day. 185 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:51,600 And I must have a hard ass. 186 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:52,600 Yeah. 187 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,600 I'm a person. 188 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,600 I don't know if it's a matter of life. 189 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,600 It's a guy. 190 00:08:55,600 --> 00:09:00,760 I also tend to think out loud whenever I'm alone and I, I had a big meeting coming up 191 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,680 and was really getting into preparing for it, drawing notes, muttering about possible 192 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:10,280 responses and just generally in my flow state, feeling completely relaxed and clicking. 193 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,760 Also I have a sensitive digestion. 194 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:18,600 And so my rush breakfast plus feeling nervous about the meeting meant the tummy was a, was 195 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,680 a talking. 196 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:27,320 And so to release some of the abdominal pressure, I did what any human does afforded. 197 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,600 You gotta be a real careful. 198 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,960 Like you gotta make sure like this could be a silent part. 199 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:32,960 It's going to clap my cheeks. 200 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,960 We'll come before, you know what I mean? 201 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,960 Yeah. 202 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,160 Like for some reason in public, like your body knows. 203 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,520 Oh, it already knows. 204 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,040 So sometimes it's like, we'll go quiet stealth mode. 205 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,880 So it's like, but like when you're home, it's like, 206 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:55,400 I do fucking like 10 pound hams just slapping each other. 207 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:56,400 Just slapping ass. 208 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,400 Yeah. 209 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,400 Yeah. 210 00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,400 The cheeks just vibrate. 211 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:04,040 But like when you're like, but then, but sometimes it's like, you can't like it just like when 212 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,840 you're like, it just has to be noisy. 213 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:06,840 Even in public. 214 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:07,840 It's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 215 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,840 It's not like a trumpet. 216 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:10,840 Yeah. 217 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:16,840 It's not big, not record breaking, but distinctive, consistent, solid butt puffs, beautifully 218 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:21,120 articulated amplified by the uncomfortable molded plastic chair I was sitting on. 219 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,040 What a noise it makes. 220 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,760 Pressed up against a hardwood chair. 221 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,760 Like the popping sound. 222 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:29,760 Oh yeah. 223 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,960 It's like, it's like almost like airtight. 224 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:32,960 Oh God. 225 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,960 Didn't even think of that. 226 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,960 And multiples. 227 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,520 Where it rides up your back. 228 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:41,520 Oh God. 229 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,520 Okay. 230 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,520 It's shit. 231 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,960 Like a fart bubble up your back. 232 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,960 All the while never breaking my train of thought and continually muttering about how that meeting 233 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,280 was going to go. 234 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,000 I definitely thought I was alone. 235 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,000 I was not. 236 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,000 Who's slurring here? 237 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,680 I'm a few minutes later after my third rectal vent. 238 00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:58,680 Oh my God. 239 00:10:58,680 --> 00:10:59,680 Three parts. 240 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:05,040 There was a shuffling sound behind me to my left and a guy started to get up to leave 241 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,360 looking incredibly annoyed. 242 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,360 No, I gasped. 243 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:08,360 Nasty motherfucker. 244 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:16,600 He was not wearing headphones and I immediately realized with horror what had happened. 245 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,520 Then being the double down awkward that I am, I asked, have you been there this whole 246 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,520 time? 247 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,320 He says, yep. 248 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,400 He replied, not smiling then left. 249 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,080 I'm pretty sure I'd find the new job. 250 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,080 Now. 251 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,880 I'd be laughing my ass off if it was farting. 252 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:33,880 Farting is hilarious. 253 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,360 Well, if you sat down in front of somebody, not knowing they're behind there, just blowing 254 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,680 cheeks the entire time. 255 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,600 Oh, were you here the entire time? 256 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,600 I'm like, huh? 257 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,600 Who's farting? 258 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:49,160 Like that old man that farted at a half price books right in front of me. 259 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:55,080 Like I had to hold my laugh until he left and I was like, well, I was rolling. 260 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,880 You'll like the name of this next person. 261 00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:58,880 Golf thick. 262 00:11:58,880 --> 00:11:59,880 MILF 666. 263 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:00,880 Golf thick? 264 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:01,880 I have to write that down. 265 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:02,880 Golf thick. 266 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:07,560 She's a girl. 267 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,400 She's a got girl. 268 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,400 That's a thick. 269 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,800 Is it CC or CK? 270 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:14,800 CC. 271 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:15,800 So she's thick. 272 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:16,800 MILF. 273 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:17,800 MILF. 274 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:18,800 666. 275 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:19,800 I'll take it all. 276 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:20,800 MILF. 277 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:21,800 GILF. 278 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,800 That's pretty much all I see. 279 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,920 I've heard one recently that was funny. 280 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:28,920 Damn it. 281 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,240 I can't remember what it was now. 282 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,760 I'll think of it later. 283 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:35,760 All right. 284 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:40,400 So she puts a spiteful pregnancy test or I guess it's him. 285 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:48,120 A spiteful pregnancy test turned into quite a surprise when we found out that my partner 286 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,800 was pregnant and seven months along. 287 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,640 I intentionally left out the ages for you. 288 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:54,640 Wait. 289 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,880 So this is a guy's account and he decided to be goth thick? 290 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:02,520 Because that might be what he likes. 291 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,560 My man. 292 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,080 Man after my own heart. 293 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,080 And seven months along. 294 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,040 That's a story for another time. 295 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,880 Anyways, her OBGYN put her on iron and blood pressure medication. 296 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:13,880 OBGYN. 297 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:18,520 And gave her stool softeners because constipation could be a side effect of the medications 298 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,520 they gave her. 299 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,720 Well, I felt a little backed up the other day. 300 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,960 I usually struggle in the bathroom if we're being honest. 301 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:30,000 So I decided what's the harm in taking a pregnancy strength stool softener? 302 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,080 A lot of harm actually. 303 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,720 They're not chemically balanced for you. 304 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,640 Is what I'm assuming. 305 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:37,640 So nothing happened that night. 306 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,200 Thought they were a fluke and went to bed. 307 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,440 I woke up and was fine for a while. 308 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,480 Felt ready to tackle the day until a fever hit and I started sweating. 309 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:46,480 Started shivering. 310 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:51,060 You know, you know how we show that like in like a short film form? 311 00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:53,200 So he takes the pill, right? 312 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,200 Right. 313 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,520 And like the sequence will be like throughout the, from when he took it to the rest of the 314 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,000 day until he goes to bed. 315 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,840 Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, right? 316 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:08,140 And so he wakes up that morning, he gets out of bed, right? 317 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:12,840 And then out of the door, some guy comes in like, guess what, motherfucker? 318 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:18,060 And he punches him in the gut because that person signifies the shit coming. 319 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:21,360 So the door just busts open, guess what, motherfucker? 320 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,480 And he's just, oh shit. 321 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,160 That's I'm gonna write up, I'm gonna do that. 322 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,160 That was a good one. 323 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,520 I'm gonna take that story and make a short film. 324 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:32,520 Guess what, you son of a bitch? 325 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:37,760 It just fucking catches him in the fucking stomach. 326 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:38,760 Started shivering. 327 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,760 I felt like I was encroaching on death's doorstep. 328 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:47,760 The gates of Mordor were upon me. 329 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:53,120 My stomach rumbled and as a construction worker who was thankfully there that had a working 330 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,800 bathroom on my job site. 331 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,200 Oh, having at work? 332 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,680 When he started working, yeah. 333 00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,680 I have to change it. 334 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:03,640 Well, I don't have to change it because the story would be my own spin off. 335 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,320 I had started a vicious cycle of expelling my immune system. 336 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,640 Oh God. 337 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,320 It happened 15 minutes before I went to lunch. 338 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,000 15 times. 339 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:19,200 I'm sorry, it happened 15 times before I went to lunch. 340 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,840 So he shit 15 times? 341 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:22,840 How much shit? 342 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,680 There's not enough shit in any man's body. 343 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,240 15 shits after that point, just shit in there. 344 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,280 15 times. 345 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,560 On the way home, I had to stop twice to use the restroom. 346 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,560 Another two. 347 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,520 Even after I had stopped shitting my brains out, I felt like a soldier coming home from 348 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:42,520 war. 349 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,760 I'm pretty sure my asshole wasn't destroyed. 350 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,120 I think I'm coming down sick because my entire immune system has left me. 351 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,960 It looks like a Wikipedia light and crackers for me. 352 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,080 Jesus, man. 353 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,080 Don't take a pregnancy. 354 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,080 Still a flop in there. 355 00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:02,560 Yeah, laxative because them shits is for real. 356 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:08,600 Next one is by Inkelberg Humperdinck. 357 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,600 I'm Ted Dimadome. 358 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,600 Don't know this. 359 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,400 Tim's El Dimadome. 360 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,520 This person puts. 361 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,240 So here we go for a bit of context. 362 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,240 Here we go. 363 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:21,960 I am just about to finish a hellish 112 hour work week. 364 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960 I am truly exhausted. 365 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:23,960 112 hours. 366 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:24,960 Holy shit. 367 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:25,960 That's a bunch of double shifts. 368 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:26,960 That's a bunch. 369 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:27,960 He just leave the work that week. 370 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:28,960 It's actually some of them are triple shifts. 371 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:29,960 God almighty. 372 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,960 Falling asleep spontaneously throughout the day. 373 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:31,960 Sometimes with my eyes open. 374 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:32,960 My diet has just been awful and I haven't been able to look after myself at all. 375 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:33,960 I'm just going to go to sleep. 376 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:34,960 I'm going to sleep. 377 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:35,960 I'm going to sleep. 378 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960 I'm going to sleep. 379 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:37,960 I'm going to sleep. 380 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,960 I'm going to sleep. 381 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:39,960 I'm going to sleep. 382 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:40,960 I'm going to sleep. 383 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:41,960 I'm going to sleep. 384 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:42,960 I'm going to sleep. 385 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:43,960 I can't look after myself at all. 386 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,360 Long story short, my body is in tatters. 387 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:48,360 In tatters. 388 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,680 Good way to say it. 389 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:56,720 So this morning, I rise at my usual time and I feel I can go to the gym, you know. 390 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:00,480 Try and get a bit of normality back in my routine. 391 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,480 I head to the kitchen. 392 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,480 I was better at shape. 393 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:03,680 I just do calisthenics. 394 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,320 Some squats, some push ups, some running. 395 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,600 I mean, if people like the gym, they like the gym. 396 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,200 I head to the kitchen and have some breakfast and guzzle down a double scoop of pre-workout 397 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,680 to help get me going. 398 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,080 As I leave, I throw away the containers from last night's takeaway. 399 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,080 Not a muscle mommy's at the gym, actually. 400 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,400 I'm not going to rethink this. 401 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,520 Remember this will be important for later. 402 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:29,520 I hit the gym. 403 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,800 I feel like death. 404 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,960 But I push through as best I can and call it when my little tummy starts to tell me 405 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,520 it's not well down there, boss. 406 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,840 I listen to my body and I head home. 407 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:40,840 I make it to the toilet. 408 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,440 I'm real tired, boss. 409 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:47,840 The caffeine and the motivation have worn off and there I sit upon my throne. 410 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,400 My ass falling apart like wet newspaper, tears in my eyes. 411 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,160 It's okay, dude. 412 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,560 One more day and you have a break. 413 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,000 You can rest tomorrow, I tell myself. 414 00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,000 I look at the shower. 415 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,440 I've been on the toilet for nearly 20 minutes. 416 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,440 My legs are dead. 417 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:08,160 But I have to flush the honey chili chicken, silly amounts of coffee, and pre-workout fueled 418 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,160 mess I have created. 419 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:11,160 I must make it to the shower. 420 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,800 She just melts through the fucking porcelain. 421 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,320 I can wash off this filthy feeling and get back to bed for an hour. 422 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,320 I finish my ablutions. 423 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:27,840 I wave goodbye to the contents of my haggard body as I make my way to the shower. 424 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:28,840 But what's this? 425 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,840 An itch in my nose? 426 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,360 My left nostril, to be more specific. 427 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:36,040 Without thinking, I jam my little finger up there to get a good dig at it. 428 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,280 I smell. 429 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,280 What's that? 430 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,280 No, it can't be. 431 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,280 It dawns on me. 432 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,000 The all too familiar smell of shit. 433 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,880 What, did he just shove a piece of shit up his nose? 434 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,960 I look at my finger in disbelief. 435 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:47,960 I wash my hands. 436 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,280 How is this happening? 437 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:54,720 A streak, nay, a nugget of poop with the consistency of hot tar has been lodged into my nostril. 438 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,720 Jesus, that must be fucking, that must be quite the smell. 439 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,320 My eyes begin to burn. 440 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,120 Remember the chili chicken takeaway? 441 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,960 God dang. 442 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,480 Can I smell it, you ask? 443 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,920 We've gone way beyond smell. 444 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,680 I can fucking taste it. 445 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:10,680 I wretch. 446 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,680 I wretch. 447 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:16,280 But not too loudly. 448 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,320 My partner is asleep. 449 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:22,320 And God forbid I wake her because I have wedged my own shit up my nose. 450 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,760 She rushes to the bathroom. 451 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,360 What happened to my shit in my nose? 452 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:30,040 Frantically, I get to the shower head and body wash. 453 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,640 I try to flush out the dirt from my poor nostril. 454 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,680 I finish my shower, but I am shaken. 455 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,200 Here I lie in bed. 456 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,920 My nostril burning from the clean up and the strong sense of disgust washing over me. 457 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,320 I've got chili in my eye before, who hasn't? 458 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,480 Hell, I've even managed to get a little bit of toothpaste in my eye before. 459 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,920 But this, this is a new one. 460 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:49,920 Chili now. 461 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,920 I feel like a literal shit brain zombie. 462 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:57,240 Have a blessed Monday, internet people. 463 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,240 Make sure to wash your hands. 464 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,400 You know why I never have chili on my eyes or anywhere? 465 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,760 Because I once saw this movie called Apollo 18, I think. 466 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:09,040 And it was like, like apparently something happened in a, like this guy was telling a 467 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:12,320 story how he, he was chopping chili peppers. 468 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:17,960 They went to the bathroom to take a piss and he grabbed his dick while his hands were still 469 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:22,400 covered in the juices of the chili pepper and burned his dick. 470 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,480 So ever since then, I always, anytime like I have that conscious mental image of like 471 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:33,080 no God dang way I'm going to have fucking chili on my God dang penis. 472 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:37,160 So anytime I'm anywhere near chili, it would be at hot Cheetos, anything hot. 473 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,960 I always wash my hands before I pee. 474 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:39,960 Yeah. 475 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:40,960 You don't want that burning. 476 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,840 You don't want it to feel like fly up. 477 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:43,840 Yeah. 478 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,560 Cause apparently he said like the only solution was to pour milk on it. 479 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:47,560 I'm like, nah, I'm good. 480 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:48,560 Yeah. 481 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,080 I don't want to be pouring milk on my dick. 482 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,520 Imagine any movie can teach you something. 483 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,520 Yeah. 484 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,280 And to this day, I've never had any, any chili on my eyes or my penis. 485 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,720 My asshole, sure. 486 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,240 You know, when you eat something, I should burst out your ass. 487 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,280 Well, apparently that's what happened to him. 488 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:06,280 Yeah. 489 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,480 Only he got the nuggets stuck up in there. 490 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:13,160 They're not, nuggets surprisingly show up out of nowhere. 491 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,160 They're elusive as fuck. 492 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,480 All right. 493 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,960 The next one is by throw away awkwardness, but he uses two fives at the end. 494 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,760 I wish you could throw away my awkwardness. 495 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:27,960 I'd be the mother greatest man alive. 496 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:33,120 This person puts dragon fruit is a pretty popular exotic fruit. 497 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,720 Some are as fuck too. 498 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,100 Yeah, they are. 499 00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:39,120 Some are attracted to it by the bright colors it comes in. 500 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,960 Some by the not too overpowering, but nice sweet taste. 501 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:47,000 Others by pure curiosity to try something new. 502 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,000 Yellow dragon fruit is pretty difficult to find. 503 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,440 You know, dried green, uh, uh, even on cream, green cactus, uh, pears. 504 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,400 Yeah, they are delicious. 505 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,920 It's a Mexican thing. 506 00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,520 They don't need, I just ate some today. 507 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,680 You're talking about the pair of leaves. 508 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,800 No green cactus bears, the pair itself. 509 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,720 Uh, it is a pair that grows on a cactus. 510 00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:08,720 Okay. 511 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,480 I know what you're talking about around instead of flat. 512 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,000 You don't want the green cactus leaves. 513 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,000 No, man. 514 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,000 I hate that shit. 515 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,520 I know by this, I can't stand that shit. 516 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:23,960 They sell it in every Mexican. 517 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,960 Yeah. 518 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:30,560 They also sell those fucking band-aids, there's such a huge difference in texture and flavor. 519 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,560 Yeah. 520 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,560 It's weird. 521 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,560 They come from the same plant. 522 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,880 Cause I was going to say the leaves aren't that great. 523 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,040 No, they're fucking disgusting. 524 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:43,520 But the green cactus pairs go to the store down south where I just came from. 525 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:44,520 Six for a dollar. 526 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:45,520 Six for a dollar. 527 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,520 At least see also. 528 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:52,980 Uh, yellow dragon fruit is pretty difficult to find, usually as the white and pink varieties 529 00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:54,680 are much more commonly sold. 530 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,320 However, you bet your ass that I grabbed myself some whenever I found a pack of yellow 531 00:22:58,320 --> 00:22:59,960 dragon fruits. 532 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,840 The only ones I haven't tried will shopping. 533 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,840 Life's too short not to learn to cook. 534 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,000 Yeah, it is. 535 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,360 I was excited to try. 536 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:12,240 I tried as I had heard that the taste is much more vibrant than the other killers. 537 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:16,880 Now beforehand, I'd seen many TikTok videos of people saying, do not eat. 538 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:21,160 I whole one due to the fact that they are pretty hefty natural laxative. 539 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,120 However, fuck. 540 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:27,240 All the videos I have seen of people warning of this had eaten whole large varieties of 541 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,240 the fruit. 542 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,880 Well, the ones I had were small and probably half of the size of the white and pink ones 543 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:33,880 I have tried before. 544 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,640 Probably just a higher concentrated version of the vernacular at that point. 545 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,920 And I've never had any bowel issues with those kinds. 546 00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,840 I consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach. 547 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:48,160 I will try any food once I eat blue stakes, 30 seconds sear on each side. 548 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:49,160 Blue stakes. 549 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:50,160 Yeah. 550 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,200 And we'll eat lamb medium rare to rare. 551 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,480 I mean, you fucking vampire. 552 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,440 I know I'm invincible when it comes to food. 553 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,080 No little fruit is going to change that. 554 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,240 Oh God, I was wrong. 555 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,920 I ate the whole yellow dragon fruit. 556 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,360 It was delicious. 557 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,480 That was about three and a half hours ago. 558 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,200 All was well until my stomach began to develop. 559 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,200 Guess what? 560 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:12,200 Motherfucker. 561 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,200 The guy comes back. 562 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,200 Guess what? 563 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,200 Motherfucker. 564 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,200 I'm gonna do a whole series. 565 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:23,360 My stomach began to develop that strange sensation a short while ago. 566 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,840 Everyone has experienced when it's time to excrete your digested food. 567 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:27,840 Nothing too desperate. 568 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,960 I'll finish when I'm currently reading up on my phone and then head to the toilet. 569 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,680 By the time I stand up, there's a small sense of urgency. 570 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,820 By the time I make it to the bathroom, that urgency is insisting that it's time to sit 571 00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:40,320 on that porcelain throne now. 572 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,320 Oh man. 573 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,840 Sometimes like you sometimes like it hits you, right? 574 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,840 You're like, oh man, I might not make it. 575 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:48,840 That's a scary feeling. 576 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:49,840 I might not make this one. 577 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:54,840 They'll have to clean shit out of their fucking drawers. 578 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,320 Nobody wants to do that. 579 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,320 I'm throwing these out. 580 00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,320 Exactly. 581 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:00,320 Trash can. 582 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:05,200 Now, no sooner than my ass cheeks hit the seat, does the ordeal begin. 583 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,000 Molten hot lava explodes from my insides. 584 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,000 Why is it always hot? 585 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,080 It's always the worst if they're fucking boiling. 586 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,400 Although super cold would not probably be great either. 587 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,440 Oh yeah, it's a shiver down your spine. 588 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:23,680 You know those cold winter mornings when you can be settled on the toilet? 589 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:28,920 My bowels are in a state of pure torture and my anus becomes a ring of pure fire. 590 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:33,640 By the time the first round is over, I'm practically gasping for breath. 591 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:37,400 The relief in my stomach is immense, but little do I know it isn't over yet. 592 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,400 Surprise mother fucker. 593 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:43,880 Round two begins and I fear that it will, that I will take off like a rocket if it doesn't 594 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:44,880 end soon. 595 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:50,240 I feel responsible for 99.9% of greenhouse gas emissions in the world as I suffocate 596 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,920 in the air filled with my own stench. 597 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,680 I sit on the toilet, expelling every single tiny seed and bit of juice from that dragon 598 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,680 fruit. 599 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:58,680 God dang. 600 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:03,800 Staying on my seat for a good 10 minutes after I finally end, just in case another bowel 601 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,920 decides to hit. 602 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:07,360 Wiping is torture. 603 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:14,080 Imagine laying your stinger ringer on a pit of hot goals and then scooting it across sandpaper. 604 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,080 Stinger ringer. 605 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,880 That's why you use wet wipes. 606 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:17,880 It feels so good. 607 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,400 Make sure to put a little water on them. 608 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,760 They feel even better. 609 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:27,080 It's a pain enough to make a grown man cry, that grown man beating myself. 610 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,640 When it's finally over, I stand up and turn around to see what demon of the deepest pits 611 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,040 of hell has just left my body. 612 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:40,200 I feel truly pity and empathy for those people involved in the swamp of dogabaw incident 613 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,680 as I hold my breath, desperate to escape the mess I made. 614 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:49,560 It takes three full flushes, three whole toilet tanks, to finally rid the toilet of the beasts 615 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:50,560 that I have left behind. 616 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:51,560 Jesus, four of them? 617 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,000 God dang, they must have been a monster. 618 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,000 I wash my hands as many times as I can before I finally feel clean and leave. 619 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:02,160 The water seems to make it stronger instead of flushing it away. 620 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:06,240 Shutting the door firmly behind me and desperately hoping that no one else uses the restroom 621 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:12,000 for at least the rest of the day, whilst the evil nostril destroying stench dissipates. 622 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:18,120 The moral of the story, and I mean never, eat a whole yellow dragon fruit. 623 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,480 It's not worth it. 624 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,600 It is never going to be worth it. 625 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,720 Save yourself whilst you can. 626 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:24,720 It's too late for me. 627 00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,480 All I can do is hope that my message can get across to whatever poor soul may need to hear 628 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,480 it. 629 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,480 Too late for you? 630 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,480 I mean it's over. 631 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:32,480 You're fine. 632 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,200 Unless it rearranges his fucking bowel cycle. 633 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,200 Just, ah. 634 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:40,680 Every time he touches his fruit, he just shits himself. 635 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:41,680 That's possible. 636 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:42,680 That's a good dragon fruit, huh? 637 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,400 That powerful concentrated laxative. 638 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,400 Yeah. 639 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,400 Damn. 640 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:47,400 Be careful about that. 641 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,680 This is the person that eats raw lamb almost. 642 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,280 Yeah, that's wild. 643 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:52,280 Raw? 644 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:53,280 God dang. 645 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,040 Might as well just like snap his neck and drain the blood for yourself. 646 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:01,720 Well, that's blood for me. 647 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,400 God made fire for a reason. 648 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,280 Okay, cook your food. 649 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:08,760 Yes, mostly pork. 650 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,800 Whoever did, pork and chicken, like pork and poultry. 651 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:16,920 If there's anybody that's stupid enough to give you partially raw like chicken. 652 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,040 You mean able enough? 653 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,320 And then raw pork, the same thing. 654 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:28,600 Pork can have certain things in it that, like parasites. 655 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,040 That when you cook it fully, you would never know. 656 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:32,040 Right. 657 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:40,200 If you watch Black Mirror, it also has a full male penis inside of it when he fucked a pig. 658 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,200 You ever see that episode? 659 00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:44,200 Yeah. 660 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:50,720 I was like, man, what a shit job he got. 661 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:51,720 Yeah. 662 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:56,680 And he was, he was like, it wasn't like two hours he was fucking it. 663 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,280 Cause he couldn't. 664 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,280 Oh God. 665 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,480 Oh my days ruined. 666 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:04,480 You know what we should do? 667 00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:05,480 You ruined my day today. 668 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,160 You know what we should do is we should go deep sea fishing. 669 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,440 I want to catch me a big old fish. 670 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,440 Yeah. 671 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:12,440 Good luck with that. 672 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:13,440 You're not getting my ass out in the middle of the ocean. 673 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:14,440 Oh, come on now. 674 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:15,440 Hell no. 675 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:16,440 Adventure. 676 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:17,440 Adventure my ass. 677 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:18,440 Send me to space. 678 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:19,440 Let's go fight Cthulhu. 679 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:24,240 I know you're talking to me about deep sea and stuff like that. 680 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,120 You're the first one that would cry if you see Cthulhu. 681 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:28,520 Don't need to cry. 682 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:36,680 He's gonna get these hands from the little man, the little PI, the knee high PI. 683 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:43,040 Hank didn't go, only except cases from women. 684 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,040 But anything else that before we head out? 685 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,040 Nah. 686 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:50,280 That was a nice, a simple day that hasn't completely rearranged my entire metal mainframe. 687 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:55,120 I thought I would give you a little bit lighter day today. 688 00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:56,120 Yeah. 689 00:29:56,120 --> 00:30:00,680 I've truly taken him to my absolute core. 690 00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:01,680 Alright. 691 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:03,880 We'll see you guys on the next one. 692 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:26,800 This one's a lie.