Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 25.
We have some more fuckups today.
And after we, after NoA learned a new word last week.
So hopefully none of these throw you into that kind of a head space.
First one by Ted Bab.
This person puts, this happened a few days ago.
I had been talking and meeting a Tinder date and everything was going well.
The vibe was good between us and we decided to have some fun.
After some foreplay, she undressed and I start to undress too.
But whenever I took off my pants, I heard her kind of do a nervous laugh and asked a
hey, I asked her what the matter was.
Bitch, you laughing at my dick.
And she says, you don't seriously wear that, right?
The problem was that I had raving rabid boxers that my mom gifted me because she thought
it'd be funny.
Ma'am, that is a red flag.
You know this stuff is gold.
I asked her what's wrong with her, with them.
And she said that she didn't want to do it with a man child and that she wanted to leave.
Ouch.
I guess I was just like, well, there's the door.
I was quite shocked because I didn't think there was anything wrong with them.
Although in retrospect, it is pretty childish.
So she put her clothes back on left and blocked me.
Damn girl.
I guess if she does not into it, she's not into it.
Unless you can do.
Just better ado and go on with your life.
All right.
Next one's a little bit long.
And uh, all right.
This guy puts my nose, I'll make it stuffy.
Always.
Look, I don't know if it's allergies or what, but I hate it.
That's from speaking for a while.
Oh, uh, this, uh, this person, uh, corn axis one joke.
Okay.
But to preface, I'm not proud of this.
Believe me.
Additionally, this didn't really happen today.
It's been about a month now and I let the scenario fully marinate inside my head.
Ah, a man of equal strength as me.
You'll be turning it in your head for fucking centuries.
Yeah.
Despite this, there hasn't been a single passing second where it hasn't replayed in my mind
over and over.
Ah, yeah.
So I came here to talk about it.
Here it goes.
Maybe if I, maybe I'll, maybe one of them will be mine one day.
And I'm like, surprise Michael, that was me.
I wrote that.
Uh, he says, I, a, uh, 18 year old male was getting my normal Sammy, a semi-annual checkup
at the doctor's office.
You know, the usual, the boring wait in the lobby, the crying baby, nowhere to sit except
by some pregnant lady.
What's funny about that is like, that's true.
Yes.
You will be at a, you will sit down and there will be somebody with a baby and that baby
will be bawling his eyes out.
Yup.
Like it's like, it's one of those like human, like, uh, like a universal, it's a constant.
Yeah.
Like a universal, yeah, a universal human constant.
Yes.
Like that will happen.
It's going to happen.
The same way.
Like if you work in retail, there will be a customer at the last minute.
Yes.
You can't do anything about it.
It is what it is.
Yep.
It's usually a guy in a truck too.
Yes.
Or a woman in a big old truck.
Yep.
Oh, or a big old SUV.
Yes.
Always.
Like there's just human universal constants that we just have to accept as a reality.
Nope.
It's not a simulation.
It's just typical human.
This is what happens.
Human society.
Yeah.
Like, uh, after about 10 minutes, my name gets called, I get up, sit in the room and
wait even longer.
Again, another baby.
I would have flipped that baby off.
This is for crying at three AM or no, what?
Like it'd be like eight, eight 30 in the morning.
I went to the dentist at 10 AM.
They $109 from the beat the shit out of my teeth.
It almost feels good.
At one point you're like, okay, cause you, you, you leave right and you just keep playing
with your teeth for the rest of the day.
I guess I was cathartic.
They had to like, I guess I wasn't brushing behind my teeth.
So I had to pull out the gunk from the backside.
Yeah.
The man she yanked it.
She was fucking me up.
Do more.
And then I go home and then I'm driving home like, Hey, play with my teeth.
I look like a crazy person.
If somebody looked at that shit, so after about 10 minutes, my name gets called.
I get up, sit in the room and wait even longer.
Then the doctor finally walks in.
Also really quick, let me make this clear.
At this point, I still don't know that I have a prostate exam incoming.
Oh, I'm relatively healthy.
Aside from slight stomach issues, you can probably see where this is going and have
never had a prostate exam before.
So did he water or shit himself?
Anyway, more of the usual happens.
The doctor asks me a few broad questions and finally gets down to the more specific questions
regarding my health and issues I've discussed with the checkups prior.
And that's in that one of something a little bit like this.
It's all the blur to be honest.
So it isn't a hundred percent accurate and worse.
A blur.
What do you black out?
Welcome to the store asshole.
How was your stomach problems?
Any changes?
No, not much.
Oh, okay.
That's good.
Actually, I don't know how I forgot to mention this, but I've actually had bloody stool.
The doctor, oh, okay.
Well, we're going to have to take a look at that for in a quick second.
My heart dropped.
I began to scramble.
Oh, uh, will, will there be a prostate exam?
Well, maybe.
I was supposed to check your asshole.
That would be, that could be required.
Are you, are you good with that?
Did I ever tell you I went to a doctor and being Hispanic, right?
Yeah.
We have doctors just regular we go to every Hispanic person goes to them.
And uh, I was like, it was a hemorrhoid and I knew it was a hemorrhoid and I just need
some whatever I need just give you the stuff, the anti inflammation pills and the suppositories.
Let me get like, I'm not embarrassed or anything.
Life happens.
So you've pushed too hard.
And the guy's like, the doctor's like, all right, bend over, let me check.
And I'm like, sir, there's two women here.
There's a child.
There's a child here as well.
Your son, I'm gonna say you've told me he's your son, your grandpa, the old man who's
the main doctors here and his mom or his wife.
So there's five people, six people in this fucking room.
And I'm like, I need two women to leave.
I need the little kid to leave too.
Which he was kind of like, like the kid to my kid to put my dick out with my whole ass
and everything.
I'm not going to jail.
It was so surreal, right?
Having to get butt naked, like bend over, right?
Pull your pants down.
And there's like 15 people here.
And I'm like, yo,
am I the crazy one?
No.
I just wanted the two women and the kid to be gone.
And the doctor was like, the women understand.
He didn't, like, because it was a boy, I guess.
He doesn't know what a dick looks like.
He doesn't know what my dick looks like.
He doesn't know what my asshole looks like.
Yeah, I don't want him to put me out of the line though.
That's the one?
That's a dick right there.
Like nowadays you get a rap chief for anything.
Exactly.
I just wanted to be, you know, like everybody.
I should just be like, you know, I can check my own asshole.
Actually, I'm good.
Just give me the medication.
It was so weird.
And right when I pulled my pants up, the fucking door opened.
Another patient came in.
The, the, like, no, it wasn't a patient.
It was the guy's wife, his girlfriend, right?
Came to pick up the kid.
And I guess they were separated.
And I'm like, so I just put my ass out for everybody to see, huh?
This is what we're doing in life.
God dang it.
I'm taking told it was a Mexican doctor.
They were Asian.
Mexicans go to Asian doctors.
And the last time the, the, the, the man, this guy was in, we'd been gone to this doctor
for let's just a general practice.
Anything serious, we go to an actual, like professional, like, never, I don't mean like,
I don't mean to say like, I mean like a specialist.
My bad.
They're legitimate doctors.
I'm not, I'm just being, I didn't mean to like that.
He's the original practitioner, right?
We've known for years.
He's old.
Like they had to wheel him over to me once to check my hands.
I'm like, you want a shot?
Fucking hands shaking.
I don't know.
I don't want a shot.
He wanted to give me a shot.
I'm like, I'm vibrating.
I'm like, no, I'm good.
That's why, that's why the, the son is or the nephew or whoever he is is now the main
practitioner because I, there's that old man should have to stick around my ass.
He'd be vibrating it.
He'd fucking probably massage my prostate.
And I'm like, it'd be a whole kind of accident.
The moral of the story is stay healthy.
Exactly.
That way you don't have to deal with it.
So she asked him if he's good with it.
He says, I mean, I'd rather not, but if you think it's important, then at least he was
in a closed room with one doctor instead of 15 people.
Fucking Jesus.
At this point, I've kind of accepted my fate.
Even if I don't want to do the prostate exam, I still have to get my asshole inspected.
Yeah.
That's what I had.
Like, are you sure?
He's like, I got to check that booty hole.
Spread your butt cheeks.
After having some time to get ready, I assumed the normal position for an asshole inspection.
I presume.
I like that asshole inspection.
He's been so flowery with his, or so formal with his, and that'd be my asshole inspection.
And laid on the table, butt ass naked in the fetal position, and had seriously tried to
brace myself for impact.
I had myself a little moment of silence while the doctor gave me time.
But once I heard the knock, I knew my prostate virginity was soon to expire.
My doctor opens the door, takes a chair, lifts me up on the table higher as if to display
on a museum, and takes a flashlight to glare down my shit dispenser.
Some time passes.
I feel a few weird, sensational-wise touches on my asshole.
But that's about it.
I was ready to be done considering my doctor didn't say much.
I assumed this was a good thing, but no, it was the complete opposite.
So I don't see anything.
We might have to do a prostate exam to fully ensure everything is okay.
I thought that was the prostate exam.
I would have been mad as fuck.
What do you mean?
What the fuck was that then?
Okay.
I would be scared shitless.
At this point.
Doctors scare me enough as it is.
Right.
But when they're so fucking like, secretive?
Yeah.
Like, you need to tell me what the fuck is going on right now.
At this point, life didn't even feel real.
I've had some weird irrational phobia of prostate exams ever since I learned they exist.
So I knew this was not going to be a fun time.
Also, I'm not going to lie.
I could tell my asshole was in constant clench mode when my doctor was checking it out.
And I'm surprised that she didn't say anything.
Oh, it's a female.
Yeah.
That was a guy doctor.
No.
The female.
The last doctor, the female, that checked my asshole, she shoved her finger all the way
up my ass with no motion.
Just dry.
She's like, boom.
My damn girl.
Either way, the doctor had left and walked back in again.
And now I was desperately, desperately struggling to get my mind off of it or to distract myself.
She put on the gloves, did the gel, gave a countdown.
But to be honest, all of this, except the prostate exam, was a blur.
Huh.
As I remember, as hardly acknowledging the countdown and boom.
One small step for man, one giant leap for my asshole.
That sounds familiar, that expression.
Like someone else from one of your stories had said the same thing.
Similar, yeah.
Yeah, it sounds oddly familiar.
Think of a finger, right?
Now imagine said finger increased by triple its size.
What did you?
Then shoved up your ass.
What did you say?
You shoved three of them?
This is how a prostate exam feels.
Oh, the item or the device.
This is how the prostate exam feels.
Everything feels huge up there and the sensations I got were indescribably and overwhelmingly
strange.
I tried to get my mind off of it, go to a safe place or whatever, but I ended up mega
clenching.
I don't know what got into me, but I've never knew my fucking device got into you.
I never knew my asshole had a auto lock feature.
They do.
I believe me.
We will clinch up quick and break whatever's inside.
Like what's it need?
Face ID.
And the less some long forgotten primal instinct kicked in and my entire ancestry's line worth
of force was all concentrated into that one asshole muscle.
And then I could tell my doctor was trying to move her finger.
So he just held her finger in his asshole.
It was legitimate.
He was stuck in my asshole.
Funny story.
I won't over exaggerate this by acting like it lasted over 10 seconds and that they had
to spray WD 40 on my asshole to loosen it up.
Like Hank Hill having to spray WD 40 on the WD 40.
Yeah.
You remember that?
I do remember that there.
But every single second felt like he's here to me.
Finally, I learned how to tame the beast and loosened up for half a second.
But that was more than enough time for the doctor to abort the mission.
My doctor was in disbelief, still was confused.
I was confused.
My prostate was confused.
I don't know.
My doctor and I kind of just mutually agreed to not touch my asshole anymore and just finish
up the session.
So I could scream for my mommy and go home or cry or whatever and yeah, I really wish
I had some sort of smart answer as to why this happened.
But I could honestly, it could be honestly be a combination of a lot of things.
Again, this is my first and only prostate exam.
So I don't know if she used the FDA approved amount of gel or whatever.
But all I know is that there is an unsolved mystery up my butt and I need Scooby Doo
on the case or something.
So he still doesn't know what's going on?
No.
Jesus.
After all that blood in the stool is a big red flag to go to the doctor.
Yeah.
Next one is by Yaseer B. This person puts so this is probably one of the most embarrassing
moments in my life and I have to share it.
Ever had to drop your pants in front of a crowd of people?
The most embarrassing thing.
I don't like seeing myself naked.
Last thing I want to do is show everybody else.
My girlfriend and I have always been open about our desires and fantasies, but there
was one particular thing that was always a bit self-conscious about.
Let's just say it's every guy's dream to be suffocated to death by ass cheeks.
After a few drinks one evening, the best way to tell it about Holla brothers.
The ass was truly tremendous.
She was drunk to the extent that to an extent and she said yes, that might be dangerous
because she might just fucking sits on your ass.
Thanks for getting heated.
And as I was about to dive into a life changing experience, I felt something unusual.
Being a medical doctor, I've seen and examined a lot of asses.
I'm gonna get a stop right there.
Was he licking a hebroid?
A polyp?
Oh, God.
And my professional instincts kicked in.
I paused, took a deep breath and told her that something felt off.
I put it on my professional face, brought out the gloves and asked if I could examine
her.
I know, not the most romantic moment.
That sure could have killed a mood.
Got to the chase, she had hemorrhoids.
We ended up going to the hospital and she scheduled for surgery in a few weeks.
Surgery?
You don't need surgery unless it's chronic.
It could be.
The aftermath?
She's incredibly embarrassed to the point that we can't even look each other in the
eyes.
And needless to say, our romantic evening came to an abrupt halt.
She licked her asshole.
I mean, how much?
I mean, dear, there.
I guess you can't get over some things.
Next one is by the Reddit lawyer bitch.
Is that how he checks for hemorrhoids?
He just licks the asshole?
He knew exactly what he had.
It feels a little like a hemorrhoid.
Yeah, that was weird, like the licking part.
I would just imagine it's the original asshole.
I wouldn't imagine something medically.
And so he just checks people's assholes by looking.
That's now what I'm thinking in my head.
Right.
That would be bad though.
Because like doctors have to look at it and then with their finger feel it.
Mm hmm.
Whatever.
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I'm not a medical professional.
I just get finger shut my asshole by him.
Well, this person fits.
Things happened many years ago whenever I was younger and stupider man.
I had been to be younger.
I mean, I got older, but I'm sure 90s.
I had been at the bar with some friends and had gotten very drunk.
So I decided to walk home.
This was in the days before Uber and I got motion sickness in the back of cabs at any
rate.
So what would Uber do if you get the same thing?
It's still a vehicle.
Right.
But you can sit in the front seat.
Oh, that'd be weird.
And some.
That'd be weird.
So I'm walking along and this van pulls up and the passenger side window rolls down.
I hear the voice say, I got some candy.
Need a ride?
In my stupor, I approached the van and look in.
The driver is a little person and to say, uh, and to this day, I don't know what sort
of tools little people typically use to drive cars, but I don't imagine that it's usually
what appeared to be stills made out of two by fours.
He just made his own.
Like I know they have like the actual like devices.
Apparently this guy used to buy fours agents.
I fuck it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm a little bit surprised, but I think to myself, this little dude isn't going to hurt
me.
Sure.
I live a few miles up the road.
I get in and we're driving along without saying much of anything.
We arrive at a good corner and I say, Hey, this is good.
He stops the van and says, Hey, do you mind if I suck your dick?
God, to the point, huh?
What?
I am sure I had misheard being drunk as I was.
Do you mind if I suck your dick?
I really feel like I need to suck one right now and I'm sure yours would be great.
You might reach your own.
You don't need me.
He says, Oh, uh, no thanks.
Yeah.
What else?
Like, no, thank you.
I started to open the door.
Yeah, too bad.
He says only the bitchy Queens ever say yes.
I start to nod and say, Oh, sorry about that.
And stumble out of the van.
He drives off and I walk another block to my apartment.
And it was at this point that I realized my wallet was gone.
I imagine I probably just dropped it somewhere, but sometimes I wonder if he somehow managed
to get it out of my pocket and offered the BJ to help with the guilt, TLDR declined the
mini hammer.
Fuck my wallet.
We're at least I'm not a bitchy queen.
The real weird.
And you know, it's true cause that's a weird story.
And we're the weirder, the story, the realer it is.
Cause it's hard to make shit.
Yeah.
Like it's hard to like, it's hard to suspension of disbelief.
It only goes so far movies, right?
But if someone told you a real story, you're like, that is fucking wild.
Next one is by apprehensive East one four seven.
They put today our bathroom decided to take a vacation and went under maintenance just
when my girlfriend had an urgent need for a number two to shit.
She looked at me with eyes wider than a UFO sighting beads of sweat forming on her forehead
and face pale as a goat.
She had the shit shit.
I know that level of shit.
Like I gots to go.
I don't care if it's a fucking bucket or a sink.
I gots to go.
Panic mode activated with no time to waste.
She grabbed a plastic bag and proceeded to conduct an impromptu bathroom session right
in front of me.
Damn, damn that was a next level.
I would have still made it to the bathroom.
I witnessed the ungodly creation complete with a fragrance that could rival a perfume
aisle in response.
My stomach decided to perform its own acrobatics and I ended up staging an impromptu regurgitation
session right then and there.
Well, there you go.
You got the bag.
Establishing dominance in the most peculiar of ways.
But the tragedy didn't end there.
After this bizarre performance, I had the inevitable task of cleaning up the scene of
the crime before dashing off to work.
Armed with cleaning supplies and a determination to erase all evidence of our bathroom escapade,
I embarked on a mission more daring than a secret agent's.
All the joys of living in an apartment where every day brings a new adventure.
TLDR.
She just pooped in the living room in a plastic bag.
It was so disgusting.
I threw up.
Yeah, I got that from the story.
Actually, you could have just said that sentence.
That would have been it.
You'd have to tell me the whole story.
I would have just believed it.
With the sweat beading on her forehead like.
Why didn't you just, I would have just gone in the toilet and just had it closed until
we could flush it again.
Or put the plastic bag in the toilet.
That would work too.
All right, last one.
I guess I wouldn't because you don't want to leave shit in the toilet just lingering
there.
True.
Oh, we got another one by the Reddit lawyer bitch.
We have one before.
Yeah, actually just one back.
Oh really?
Yeah.
Paying attention to these fucking horrendous names.
Yeah.
Apparently this person collected them, I guess, and put the stories on.
Cool.
Reddit.
This is where you're going to learn a new word.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
Good.
Fuck you, gay.
This person puts.
I respond so well to new fucking kinks I've never heard of.
You'd probably be okay with this one though.
I never am.
This person puts, greeting Redditors.
Yesterday I learned about swaffling.
Oh my God.
I can already tell it's going to be on that bullshit.
A Dutch term meaning to hit one's soft or semi hard penis, often repeatedly, against
an object or another person's body.
Oh, I can do that.
This struck me as amusing.
Just slap it on her face.
My wife has a nice round butt.
So today, when we hopped into the shower, I asked if I could swaffle her ass.
I explained what it meant.
She immediately divorced me.
I explained what it meant and she being patient and with a good sense of humor herself said,
okay, as long as she could try to hit me with her boobs.
I readily agreed.
Gay mod.
Having never swaffled before, I really wound up my hips and gave my dog a good swing.
At which point I slipped and fell on my ass.
I'm typing this from the ER where I'm waiting to get an x-ray to see if my coccyx is broken.
His ass?
His ass bone?
Never got to slap my putt against a fine ramp or get slapped in the face by some titties.
Terrible.
So he fucked himself up.
I guess so.
And you learned a new word.
Isn't it one of those things like instead of just asking, because they're like in a
marriage right?
Yeah.
Like you just slap it against your butt.
I didn't know there was a word for that though.
Swaffling.
Or do you still need to ask permission even though you're married?
Why would you need permission if you're married?
Well, I mean, like if she's not consenting.
Who gives a fuck?
You're married.
Hell nah.
Consent is still consent.
Not in a marriage it is not.
If she can say no.
She can say no, yes, but like not for that kind of stuff.
That's all just like slapping you.
Weird.
Why?
That's why it's hard.
That's why it's really extremely hard to prove rape in a marriage.
That's because you're married.
Like you see each other naked.
Yeah.
Every day.
But no means no.
So if you get woken up by her doing any of the three, is that right?
The three.
Or the BJ or just getting on you.
No, I'm a guy so it doesn't count.
Exactly.
So if you did the same.
I wouldn't.
I wish she's asleep.
Jesus Christ.
Any of the three?
No.
But it can be happened to you.
I don't mind.
She's my wife.
Exactly.
She probably thinks the same thing.
I'm also a tremendous pervert.
Exactly.
So I'm game on all the time.
I don't know.
It's a slippery slope that I'm still.
It's not CNC at least.
Everything is CNC to me right now.
Every little thing is going through my fucking brain at CNC.
I don't want to touch or be touched by anybody right now while I process CNC.
You're still going on with that though.
It's just you're never going to learn the consequences of that.
I know the consequences of that.
Like you can't reconcile them.
Because like if you do it right.
That means you're capable of non-consensual assault.
So that makes you a rapist.
And then you're like am I a rapist?
And it's like what the fuck.
And they had a blade.
So they can't it can't be.
I'm slowly I don't know.
I'm going to start just I'm just going to start fucking watching cartoons and I'll
never think about sex again.
I don't know what the historic brings babies.
That's all I know.
Because I do not have the capacity to reconcile the vast scub of human sexuality.
I can't do it.
I'd rather not do it and just you know absolve myself of it and just sit home and eat some
fucking fostered flakes and watch some Bugs Bunny.
All you have to do is become a monk.
They're probably freaks too.
If I'm being honest.
You don't want to be a monk?
A Buddhist monk?
No.
You know how I know people are freaks even in religion is that they still have that painting
of that preacher banging that nun through a gated fence.
But that's all the red that I got today.
Anything else to add?
I don't know anymore.
I don't even know if I'm real.
It's like what is this?
Is this a simulation?
Could be.
Because it's C and C right?
But it's it's wrong.
But it's supposed to be not be wrong because it's it's it's the C but then the NC is the
wrong part.
That's that's what that's I don't know.
And then you got marriage and then you got and then you.
So while No Way figures this out, we will catch you guys.
What the fuck is going on?
Why he why he tries to reconcile this.
We will catch you guys on the next one.